All language subtitles for Smartless.On.The.Road.S01E06.WEBRip.x265-ION265

God, are we old. Jesus God.

I mean, I'm just fucking
sitting here,

making sloppy joes, waiting
for my friends to come over.

So sad.

Hopefully there's enough
for everybody.

Oh, I have chips.

This is like coming
to Grandma's house for lunch.

Sloppy joes and chips.

Anybody want some juice?

SmartLess.

SmartLess.

- How are you?
- Pretty good.

All right, I need keys, and
I need a phone.

- Hi.
- Hi.

It's not a great day
to wear a Swade shirt,

but I'm assuming it's gonna be
air-conditioned on the inside.

Jay.

So hilarious.

Gas-X.

- Hi!
- Hi.

- How was your rest
last night?
- It was great.

- Yeah?
- How about yours?

- Pretty good. Seven hours.
- Yeah?

How does it feel right now?
Doesn't it feel weird to have

- taken a couple days off, and
now we're back?
- Yes.

And we're here. We just came
from our own homes.
It's bizarre.

Self-drive, you know?

It feels like, "Oh,
should we bother?"

With the
shows?

Yeah.

Like, do we need to do this?

- Right, Jay?
- Yes, yes.

- Don't you think?
- You wanna cancel?

Is that an option?

No, I'm actually friggin'
pumped for tonight.

Me too. I'm super excited.

God, I'm gonna be the one dragging.

You wanna take a quick nappy
after we're done with this?
You have time.

- You have two hours.
- I'll be fine.

Are you sick? Did you not
get rest last night?

- I'm just tired.
- Oh...

...don't mind if I do.

Careful of the sugar.
It'll drop you off a cliff.

Not me.

Homework, okay?

It's important.

And it had to be done in
these chairs.
I had them flown in.

Um...

This is what
keeps me classy.
I need to be in classy stuff.

- I'm gonna go potty.
- What day off?

- Somebody in here?
- You have to shit
again?

- No, I gotta go potty.
I gotta evacuate.
- I did. Twice.

- Since we've been
here?
- Yeah.

Will you just move
this way? Just a little bit?

- Twice. In there.
- What'd he say?

Nothing. Don't tell him yet.
'Cause he sits.

- 'Cause he sits.
- 'Cause I sit?

That was free shit.

Everything okay?
You tear anything?

- Yeah, a little bit. I tore
one up in there.
- I know.

I'm sorry, the building asked
me to take a photo.

It's just for insurance.

Jason, since you're a guest.
And you're gonna sit far side
of the couch?

I think so, yeah.

Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna sit far
side as well, 'cause I spent
the last

- four shows looking at the
back of the guests.
- Oh, okay. Okay.

And so, like, I'm mad at it
and I'm dressing it up with
a smile.

- But I was super angry.
- Uh, seems like you're still angry.

No, I'm not. I'm smiling.

Wait. Can I just ask
you something? Can we talk
through the thing?

- Yeah, we're gonna walk it.
- We're gonna walk it.

When we land in our
spot, we'll be able to pause.
And then we can do our...

They'll give us the sign that
our mics are hot and

we'll do our regular cold
opens. Everybody cool with
that? Is that kosher?

- I guess. It passes the test.
- Well, let me tell you something.

Sometimes in life,
things come at you. And you
gotta be ready for 'em.

Because you never know,
when you're gonna
get another chance.

Sorry, I turned it into
The Musical.

- Isn't that how all they all
start in Broadway?
- Chance. Chance, chance.

Musicals. They always start
like that.

- Hey don't worry about
shutting the door.
- Sometimes it's harder,

- to take
a chance.
- Hey, man.

This is a family show.

Oh, come on in!

- Oh, Archie A!
Archie Abel!
- Hi, bud.

- Hi, Abe. Hi, Watt.
- Hi, dad.

What's up?

Success.

No. Let me show you what the
move of a germaphobe is.
You ready?

This is something I've just
incorporated into my program.

Right here. Ready? Oh.

This doesn't count because
it doesn't have a faucet.

But if it had turnies on it,
what you do is,

you wash your hands. You get
'em all clean.

And you dry your hands while
the water is still running,
so you don't touch

the little hoo-hahs.
The little levers.

The faucet. The handles.
Whatever the--

So the water would still be
on, the water would still be
on, I'm wasting water, but I'm

okay about it for
a brief moment.

Then you turn them off
with this.

You then go handle, here,
kick, and throw.

Backstage?

Yeah, that'll be cool.

They can stand on the
side if they want to.

Yeah.

Love you, love you, love you.

See you soon. Bye bye bye. Okay.

You see Archie coming in, he's
like... When you see he's got
his buddy with him, he's like,

-"Hey, Dad."
- I know.

Is he not normally like that?

No, he's just being very,
like, "Hey, Dad. What's going
on?"

- So cute.
- I know, so sweet.

My baby.

- I love both of them so much.
- Yeah.

- Hey, J. Did we figure out
your mic yet?
- I mean...

For fuck's sake. Hello?

- Okay.
- Will they be walking past
here?

Will they be here by
the end of tonight?

Okay. Hey, thanks
for working with us.

- Oh, Jesus.
- You're really fast.

- Sammy.
- Watch your head.

- We're ready?
- No, we're not...

Did you say the guest
is ready?

- Okay, so it's a he.
- Oh, is it a male?

So it's a he. Great.
Good to know.

Hello Los Angeles!

We legit can't believe you
guys listened to the podcast.

Yeah, that's really been
a min-blower.

So, first of all, thank you
for doing that.

We do feel like when you
listen to the podcast,

since you could fast forward
all the crap parts,

or just go to a different
episode, here you're trapped.

- Yeah.
- So we feel like we do have
to juice it a little bit so--

Do you feel like people maybe
double time or double speed
your questions?

They have to.

'Cause that's a really good
SmartLess hack.

They did laugh and applaud
like they know exactly what
you're talking about.

But Sean, you got a hard out
tonight, right? 'Cause you
gotta get back to camp?

- I...
- Yeah, 'cause you're
dressed like...

- He's got his whistle in his pocket.
- Yeah.

- And the other
one is giving a high five.
- No.

You look very, very cute.

I look a little child-like,
which is very scary for
a 51 year-old.

I was trying to think of
a good LA story, like when I
first moved here.

Oh, settle in, everybody.

- Somebody's prepped
a little bit.
- No.

I was... Just before I...

Does it involve the 101?

- Boy, traffic is terrible.
- Oh, God.

No, when I first moved here
and I got Will Grace,
I went to--

- Hold for applause.
- Yeah.

I didn't have two
nickels to rub together. I had
no money.

And the producers invited us
out to a dinner.

So I drove my Toyota Corolla,
which had a hubcap missing,
and a window out...

- ...with the, you know--
- Plastic?

- Yeah, plastic.
- And duct tape?

Yes, absolutely. 100 per cent.

- Come on.
- I swear to God.

- And so I drove--
- Is that the car you drove
from Chicago?

- Yes, yes. And it broke down
in Colorado.
- It is?

- And I paid some guy,
I don't know.
- A mechanic, hopefully.

I don't know.

Not just some guy on the road.

So I get to the restaurant,
extra early because I'm so
nervous about--

- Were you embarrassed about...
- I was embarrassed of my car

because it was, like, pieced
together with scotch tape.

So I got there, I went in.
And then before the dinner
was over, I kinda left early

so that I could get my car
from the valet and leave
before they could see me.

So, I'm like, "Bye, everybody.
Oh, my God I'm so excited."

I come out to the valet and
I'm standing there.

And then Jimmy Burrows,
Debra, Megan, Eric,

the producers, couple writers,
and now we're all
standing there.

I'm like, "Oh, my God."

And so, he pulls the car up,
and it's, like, you know,
barely getting there.

The last hubcap rolls off.

And I say to the valet, I go,
'What did you do to my car?"

Oh, my God.

First of all, it was a Porsche
and now it's not a Porsche anymore.

Now, ironically you did end up
getting a Porsche?

- They gave everybody a Porsche
on the show.
- Right.

Which is also embarrassing,
but I also didn't have money
when they gave me a Porsche,

so I'm like, give me the
fucking money. What do
I need another car for?

But it was very, very kind
of them.

- You sold it, right?
- Right away.

I had to pay my rent.

- So let's get a guest
out here.
- All right. Let's get a guest.

Our guest tonight is a force,
a comedic firehose.

This man can't be contained.
His energy and positivity is
infectious, y'all.

He's done tons of movies,
TV shows, released multiple
comedy albums and specials.

He's got 45 nominations for
everything from Emmys
to Grammys.

He's got a frickin' video game
I think. Somehow though,
he's been nice enough

to pull it over to the side,
give us a little time for a
chat and giggle.

Here on the SmartLess couch,
gang, buckle up it's the one
and only, Kevin Hart!

- Will!
- Hey, buddy.

Man, I can't wait. He owes me
a movie.

Right?

- Hello, hello, hello.
- Kevin Hart!

What up?

I want you...

I want you guys to lower your
expectations because I've been drinking.

- Just lower. Lower 'em down.
- That's fair. Fair warning.

- It's tequila.
- Whoa.

- Wow. Good for you.
- Is that really?

- And then behind there is just
a chest full of weed, right?
- Some shit. Some shit here.

- Good for you.
- Sit back on the couch.

What? What's your fucking
problem?

Yeah!

- Sean's in charge of blocking.
- Yeah, he really just pushed
me back.

Get the fuck back, Kevin.

By the way, I'm such a huge
fan. You've been on my list
to come on as well,

but I can't believe Jason
had you out.

I cornered him and he really
didn't have a chance to say no
I apologize for that.

No, you didn't corner me.
Look, you guys got a good
thing going here.

You got a great thing.
Actually, you got a fantastic
thing. You got a fucking crowd

full of people to support you guys.

That's them.

And I'll be honest.

I'll be honest. And this is
only for you guys, I thought
it was Ozark.

I did.

I just found out just now
this isn't Ozark.

No, on a serious note,
Jason Bateman, to me,
is Hollywood Royalty.

- That's the tequila talking.
- Definition. Will falls in
this category too.

- Sean...
- Uhh...

- You shouldn't have pushed him.
- He did push me.

Congratulations, you guys.

Now, this is very foreign
to us.

- But you have spent a lot of
time in front of audiences.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Doing stand-up,
doing specials.
- Yeah.

You played in front of 55,000
people in Philadelphia for
your last special?

Yeah, I'll tell you guys.
This is intimate.
This is nice.

Kevin, we first met over 20
years ago.
You were a stand-up.

Wha...?

- True. It was true.
- Do you have an apology
to make?

And I got this great photo
that's now at my house.

And, like, Kevin, Seth Rogen,
me, Amy, January Jones,

Jason Segal, Nick Stoller,
Judd Apatow...

Guess who I was. Guess.

No. Not gonna do it.

- Take a guess. Say it. Say it.
- You're not gonna get me
cancelled tonight.

I'm gonna make it
one more day.

I've got...

I've got questions that I've
gone over here that are
cancel-proof.

All right,
you passed that test.
All right.

Can I guess?
You're the black one!

There you go!

Yes. Yes. By the way,
you're done, buddy.

You're done. That's right.

By the way, I'm a huge
Shark Tank fan,

- and I saw you on Shark Tank,
and I was blown away.
- Thank you, man.

Were you pitching something
or judging?

- No no.
- What the fuck is that?

- I've not seen the show.
- I'm the shark.

So you weren't pitching, like,
"I got an idea?"

- I don't know!
- No, no, no.

I'm Kevin Hart, bitch!

I'm not pitching the idea.

But hang on. If I've got some
great idea for the new Swift
or something,

I don't wanna fund that.
I want Mark Cuban
to fund that.

So I'm gonna go on the
show and I'm gonna pitch him.

That's stupid 'cause you could
just call Mark Cuban.

If you go on national television...

It's true, I've built an
extra step there.

It's stupid.

I always knew you had all
these things going on,
but I just didn't know

at that extent. I mean,
you have this huge successful
company that makes

all off these projects and
these things come to life.

Is there a goal in mind where,
like, if I can reach that,

I can maybe settle down and
calm down a little bit?

There definitely is. But I
think that for me, that would

be very selfish, knowing my background.

If I go, "I'm done," I tap
out, and I'm just gonna ride
out and be good,

when I have the opportunity
to create other opportunities,

then I think I'm doing a
disservice to those that need
a service.

It's my fucking job to try
to give to those that can
benefit off of it.

That's my job.

It's why I do this podcast.
To help these guys out.

Good for you, Will.

So you say you're not gonna
pack up and retire
anytime soon.

Are you gonna squeeze in any
more of these great movies

- with Dwayne Johnson before
that?
- Yeah.

'Cause the chemistry is just awesome.

You guys think this
relationship is so great.
My back hurts.

Carrying that guy is tough.

Carrying that big mother
fucker to the finish line
is tough.

So, not to be creepy, but if
you took all your clothes off
right now, are we looking at--

- Not creepy.
- Not to be creepy.

You basically have body
builder shape. Have done for
a while. That's admirable.

That takes a lot of discipline.

Here's the thing, man.
It's all about the walk away
to the bathroom, right?

Like, if you're married,
every morning you get up.

And you go to the bathroom.
That bathroom walk away is
always viewed by your partner.

And, in my mind,

You're working out
a lot on the back of yourself.

Hands, buttocks, back, black.

- The fuck are you talking
about, man? All right.
- Hey, let him finish, man.

You wanna know where
to fuck your life up?

You walk to the bathroom and
you hear suddenly, "Ugh!"

It will destroy you.

So in the back of my mind,
I don't ever wanna hear that.

So when I walk away, I tiptoe.
And I make sure that I don't
hear my wife go, "Ugh!"

Right.

That means she's no longer
happy with that.

It's also all about keeping
it in shape.

When I walk away
I need you to know,

that's what you just fucked.

Like, that's, that's...

- Like, that's my--
- Okay.

Yeah, that's my take away.

You know, so, I'm just doing
the math here.

- So you're walking away
from her...
- Go ahead.

- She's looking at your rear
and she's saying...
- Yeah

-"I just fucked that so..."
- Take that in.

I'm just doing the math.

- Wait a minute, hold on.
- Yeah, exactly.

- Yeah.
- Let's go back.

- Still rolling.
- All right, let me switch
it up.

My husband
understands that.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Oh, shit!

I love...

- I love a cancelled checkmate.
- All right.

By the way.

He's off the...

He's no longer on
the cancelled, need, or read.

As black people,
we've given him a pass.

- Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
- All right.

- Now we should--
- Checkmate.

By the way, the walking away
thing I love because you don't
ever look behind you.

You just walk away.

If you ever look back,
that's a sign of insecurity.

- That's right.
- Yeah, you don't ever wanna
look back.

How do you feel... Jason,
how do you about Amanda
as you walk away?

He looks back all the time.

You check it all the time.

My move is a little bit
more like a moonwalk
to the bathroom so...

Do you...

If you walk backward
just T-shirt and your
shirt talking?

I don't think, Jason,
wears drawers.

I think it's just a T-shirt,
dick and ass out.

And he's just like...

- That's how I picture it too.
- Yeah, yeah.

This body showers
with a T-shirt on.

Winnie the Pooh.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Winnie the Pooh
is what I picture you as.

Yeah.

Wait, do you all...
Does anybody sleep naked?

- Do you sleep--
- I'm a naked sleeper.

- Do you?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, fuck yeah.
- Really?

Would you keep all this
enclosed?

Oh, no.

Are we looking at your sleep
outfit right now?

Absolutely, I'm going night
night in between shows
in this.

Do it. By the way,
just a favor,
don't say night night.

What do you...

Sean, what do you wear?

Always the same thing.

I wear shorts and
a long sleeves, like,
loose shirt

because Scotty leaves the air
conditioning at, like,
you know, 20 below.

Okay and what kind of shorts?

- What?
- Shorts?

- I know, I know.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because when
the air conditioning is on

and you wear sweats
and then the comforter
it's too hot

- So, I wear shorts
with one leg in, one leg out,
- Yeah.

and then a long sleeve

- so you don't have to have
the cover on you.
- Yeah.

It acts as the cover.

What kind of shorts?

Are we talking, like,
a thick shorts are we, like,--

Yeah, like,
a flannel shorts

Just because, to really match
my... Don't look at me
like that.

What do you mean?

- What?
- What do you mean?

In the one area your ass needs
to be clean, you sweating
it out.

- You got a flannel shorts.
- No!

It's too cold to sweat anywhere.

Bullshit, that's a flannel
shorts, under a fucking duvet,
with a cover.

You stink.

- You fucking stink.
- You know what?

You stain your sheets sleeping naked.

By the way,

good point,
which is why we go black.

Black sheets.

I thought about that.

You just got recancelled Sean.

Recancelled.

I'm back on top, bitch.

Everybody who sleeps naked,
you're staining your sheets

from getting up in the middle
of the night and going to pee.

- You know, what I'm saying?
- Only if you don't shower before.

There's a couple drops there,
so you're gonna have to change
your sheets more often.

Next question.

Wait, no wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

- Who's staining your sheets?
- Who's dropping what?

- Do you pee blood?
- No, no

Who's dick is still dripping
when they get back in the bed?

- I'm saying if you don't shake
it off enough...
- What are you doing?

But I don't have to worry
about that
because I wear shorts.

Now, do you pee sitting down?

- I almost punched you
in the fucking face just now.
- No.

You pee sitting down, right?

You're not old enough yet.

I'm 42.

I peed sitting down for years
because I think it's rude
when, like,

somebody comes over to your...
Like, a guy is coming over
to your house or whatever,

and they pee and it splashes
and the don't clean it up.

So, you know what guys?
Just sit down, it takes care
of all the splashing.

There he is.
Uh-oh

And it stretches out
your back.

- Yeah.
- Your back's gonna
start getting tight on you

at about 50.

Sean, did you just say

- just wanna make sure
I heard this.
- No, you misheard me.

I know I fucking heard you.

I fucking heard you.

A lot of guys are, like, "Bah,
I don't fucking care, bah."

And then it's just, like...
And then they walk away.

So, you know, whoever comes
into my house I always say,

"Hey please be neat
and wipe the seat."

Wait, is there a sign?

Did you have a sign?

No, but that's a good idea.

Um, all right, come on,
all right, so we're out
of the bathroom,

we're out of the bedroom

I'm traumatized
because he said--

Wait, what about, what about--

I'll let it go.

I'll let it fucking go.

But I don't like you saying
that we're all nasty
and pee on the seat.

I've never peed
on the fucking seat.

No I'm not saying,
I'm not saying

He's got better aim.

It was very racist what
he said.

He suggested
that black people--

You're on thin fucking ice Sean.

It's gonna be tonight and
it's gonna be,

"Dear diary, Kevin Hart scares
the shit out of me."

By the way, by the way

Sean has been growing on me
more and more

- as I've been spending time
with him.
- I know, I know.

Oh, thank you.

- Come on, man, right?
- Thank you.

- Me and you, you already know
where we sit.
- Yeah, yeah.

- That's right, that's right.
- Right?

I didn't cancel you,
you didn't cancel me. No.

All right, we're back
on track.

Jesus Christ, what a shitshow.

He did not look good.

These guys don't know
what the fuck their doing
out there.

What a fucking shitshow.

Jesus Christ,
who's producing this thing?

It wasn't that good
or what?

One more?

- But we're gonna Q and A it.
- Okay.

What time is the T and A?

In the next five,
10 minutes.

Does that guy
have a sense of rhythm
onstage or what?

Yeah, so good.

Good guest, good show.

He reads the room so well.

Yeah, that was a great guest.

From doing standup
for 20 years.

Right.
...or longer.

He knew we had
to punch him in the neck,
right away.

He knew when to do it,
how to do it.

Yeah, it was great,
super fun.

- Dad.
- Hi, boys.
What'd you guys think?

How was it?

Did you hear that,
at the end he was like...

Are you guys gonna stay
for the second show?

No, might as well go home.

Go chill, I'll be home after.

Are you guys
gonna get some dinner?

Yeah, get some pizza.

Okay, come here.

Are you guys ready?

Yeah.

I'll see you guys
at home later.

You guys gonna split?

- Yes.
- Thank you.

- Thank you so much.
- Of course.

Um, and I'll see you guys
at home after.

- Okay.
- See ya later.

Oh, my gosh,
look at this.

An actual ticket.

Now hang on a second.

What the fuck is up
with this bigger font?

Jason Bateman,
Sean Hayes--

And then in the biggest font
on the whole ticket--

Well, that's the draw dude.

- Oh.
- They're gonna put the draw
in big.

And it's free?

We're not charging anything?

Zero.

It must be the backstage.

No, I really have
an issue with the font.

The font's way too big.

Let me see it.

Save that for my scrapbook.

Put it in your hope chest.

That's two flushers
by the way.

- It's a double.
- Fuck off.

Somebody loves...

Inspector said it to me,
"Your name that size, huh?"

About the font on the ticket.

Yeah, what the fuck?

- Why is his name
bigger than ours, Sean?
- Oh, that's so funny.

Yeah, that's--
It's not funny.

- It's clearly a mistake.
- I don't think
it's funny.

It's a mistake.

- And it says on the back,
Bateman is raging.
- Who did you contact?

Who did you contact
to make that happen, Will?

That's not a mistake.

It's a mistake.

Mitch said, "We heard
the fans--

And we fonted appropriately.

He said, Mitch said,

"We did an exit poll
from the first couple
of shows

and we said to the fans,

Who really stood out
on the ticket?"
they called it.

They didn't actually mean
the physical...

And then people said me.

I didn't wanna say anything,
obviously, 'cause I love you
guys a lot.

And I think you guys
have been doing a great job.

It's great to meet you too.
I'm right here man.

It's great to meet you too.

- Are you a--
- Okay?

- I just washed my hands.
- Are you a friend
of Scottie's?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Hey, guys, save a little
something for the stage, huh.

Oh Okay, thanks man!

First today in showbiz
and everything's so...

Really appreciate the note
you fucking dick.

Where'd you get that?

What this lip balm?

- Give me some of that.
- I brought it from home.

Because I thought about
what am I doing tonight,

Oh, I'm doing a show,
maybe I should have some
lip balm.

That's where I got it

Oh, so wait let's keep it.

Are we all three?

What? I'm just wiping it off.

- No, not on the inside
of your palm.
- You pathetic

motherfuckers,
you're my fucking stick.

Why do you move it,
not your face?

- Isn't this how you do it?
- That's how I wash my legs
in the shower.

I put my thing here
and I move my leg like that.

Huh.
Yeah.

Um.

- What are you listening?
- Calm down about it.

Now again, check in
with your face very quickly.

Right now, I'm smiling.
Am I not?

It is the definition
of a furrowed brow.

But I'm elated right now.

Okay, again, it doesn't...

I've gotta go get
some work done.

- Oh, my God!
- It comes across as so heavy.

What if I had some sort of,
like, strings put and
there's just a little thing...

Like hula hoop
and you just pull 'em.

That goes eyebrow and side,
so, I'm smiling.

To do what? Start now?

Here we go.

Here we go.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Last show, last show.
- Last show, I hope
there's not a lot of stares.

But if there are stares
it's good
because I haven't exercised

- in about six months.
- You know
what's amazing?

Terrible,
finish strong.

I feel like we've come,
like, a really long way.

Like, I feel
like this journey...

Can I just talk a second
about the journey

- with you guys?
- No, please don't.

- Wasn't that what your
original podcast gonna be?
- Yeah.

But why won't you
be open to talk about

your feelings
and about the journey?

Not right before
we go on.

Why? It's journey time.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- I think
it's the other way.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's definitely
the other way.

All I'm saying
is an experience,

an experience is something
that you have.

And so when you're having
an experience, you should talk
about it.

- Hi, hi, hi.
- Hi.

We should share.

- Well, the experience
we're doing right now,
- Share.

is we're walking underneath
the stage to get up
to the stage.

Yeah, so we were just underneath
where we're gonna be.

I mean, that is a great

- metaphor for life.
- This is such a boring conversation.

It's, like, Sean, is life not
to you just like a...
It's, like, life.

Try to have better material
when we're onstage.

Nobody wants to talk
about life anymore.

One, two testing.

Testing, testing one,
two testing.

Is this mike hot?

Is it hot?

Are we hot?

- Testing one, two, testing, testing.
- Testing, testing one, two.

Testing one, two.

They can hear us.

Oh, okay wait, so wait,
I got a really quick game.

It's called Quick Quick Quick.

I'm gonna say Quick Quick
Quick, name three something, right?

- Okay, okay.
- So, for you, so,

Quick Quick Quick
name three brands of soap.

Um, Dove, Ivory and, um,

Quick, okay.

So, Quick Quick Quick
name three problems
with dental problems,

go, name three dental problems.

- You've got an abscess,
you've got a cavity.
- Quick Quick Quick.

And you've got a punch
in the mouth.

- Okay, what about you?
Quick Quick Quick
- Quick Quick Quick...

Three great sports teams.

- Quick!
- Uh, the birds...

- The dinosaurs, okay.
- No.

- Okay.
- Oh, God.

The dinosaurs!

Listen, let's just forget this.

Let's just get down
to what we came here to do.

The last show of...

SmartLess!

Hello, Los Angeles!

It's our last show of...

We're so excited that you guys
wasted your money to
come here tonight.

- A lot of money.
- Yeah.

We've been on the road
for the last couple of weeks.

And we went all over
the country.

We started in DC.

And then we went to Boston,
and then we went to New York

and Chicago and Madison, Wisconsin.

- Huh!
- Yeah, great place.

We had an incredible special appearance

- by, Tracey.
- By my sister Tracey.

And, uh, I think that Tracey
got a warmer reception
than we did.

- Yeah for sure, for sure.
- Definitely.

People were freaked out.

Anyway thank you
for coming here.
Yeah, yeah.

We're gonna sit down
and start the show.

Oh, boy. Ugh.

Are you happy to be done
with the tour, both of you?

- Yeah.
- Well I'm happy and sad.

What's the happy part?

The happy part is that...
Uh, the happy part is the--

- We're really searching
for the happy part.
- No, no, no.

I'm happy because I feel like
it was a success,

I had a great time
with you guys.

I feel very happy
that we did it.

- But sad
because it'll be gone.
- Yeah.

It could've really been
a shit show. Right?

Yeah.

We didn't know...
We still don't know
what the hell we're doing.

And to think that people
would be engaged and
entertained with us talking,

uh, is stunning.

People are so nice.

They come backstage and they
say nice things all through
this whole tour.

Sometimes I do think
I have a little bit
of face blindness.

Because sometimes
I really truly don't recognize people

and I make an ass
out of myself.

Remember Traci Lords
the pornstar?

- Sure.
- No.

No, no.

Did I say sure?

You did, really quickly.

I said it pretty fast.

- Yeah.
- It was a little fast.

Are we still rolling?
Can we go back?

So, she came on as a guest
star in Will and Grace.

And I'm such an idiot.

She sat down and
I literally said,

"Oh, my God, I loved you
in The Hand that Rocks
the Cradle.

I thought she was Rebecca
De Mornay.

It's not nearly as bad,
uh, uh...

Some fancy folks have come out
and seen us.

Peter Dinklage came
and said hi to us.

In New York.

And I was talking about
the kids.

And I said, "And how old
are your little one?

- Just about the dumbest thing
you could possibly say.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No?

The dumbest thing
was repeating it right now.

Yeah.

That was...

That was the dumbest.

Yeah, good note.

But you know what?

- They got your back.
- Yeah.

Because if there's one thing
I know about this day and age,

is that people
on the internet...

- They don't talk.
- ...they got your back.

Yeah.

So, thank you.

We have a lot of fun,
we have a lot of fun together,

we have a lot of fun
with you guys.

And for the first time,

we all know who the guest is.

Because we're at the end
of the tour and we've invited
a really good friend,

our pal, the hilarious,
the kind,

the generous, the amazing,

Mr. Jimmy Kimmel.

Jimmy Kimmel!

I appreciate it.

I have to say,
this is very exciting for me

because I've never seen Jason
up this late.

And by the way can I tell you
one thing?
Not that this is a...

If I had, like, if I had one
magic wish in my whole life...

- Like one.
- You would be at home.

...for my whole life,

- It's right now, right?
- One.

It would happen right now.

And it would be... I'd say,
ladies and gentlemen welcome
Peter Dinklage.

That would be my...
I would spend it...

On...

On that.

- Very special.
- Great merch by the way.
So great.

Which mall kiosk did you
get this made in?

And I didn't know Zazzle
was making motel keychains.

Guess who's idea
the keychains were?

Who use this?

Hang on a second.

I may have said "Key fob."

- That's like a "motel,
destroy-my-marriage, and-cheat
- on-my wife, key fob."

Wait, wait, what's happening?

- No, but that's,
like, terrible.
- Oh, there we go.

There's a "key fob"
for the audience.

Um...

- Jimmy, I got--
- Oh, you have mugs too.

Yo, yo, yeah.

My oldest, she...
So, Jimmy, you were one
of-- you were on our show

quite early on.
Not as early as you should
have been.

But you were an early listener
and you were somebody who
had a lot of notes.

Yeah, I still do.

First of all, I love
the podcast. Honestly,
no kidding around.

I love listening to it.

You're sweet.

And doing it in person
with you guys, like, 'cause
when you're listening

or doing it on Zoom
as we did it, you don't get
to smell the cigarette smoke

coming off of Will.

Or [scoffs] or the feet.

Or get to see his feet.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You have no socks on
or do you have those weird
sort of hide--

- That just hide in the bottom
of the shoe.
- Oh, no seams?

Yeah.

Right?

No, prove it to me right now.

Okay.

Oh, oh-oh. Oh.

You know what I feel like
right now?

We're going to find some
weird sex thing about you
that you, like,

you're really into, like,
showing women your feet
or something, like...

No, I, uh,

You show the feet because
people who get spray tanned,

and I know some people
who've had it done,

you can see streaks
on their feet.

- Jimmy, I--
- You know what--
Sorry, go ahead...

Oh, no no. I was gonna
ask a real question.

Now, you've been doing
your show for so long,

and I've heard rumors that
you're going to be done
in a year.

I've heard other rumors that
you're going to do for seven
more years, like...

What, how, what're
you feeling?

Yeah, let's make
some news, Jimmy.

- Right here.
- I want to...

- Die.
- Talk very slowly.

- I wanna die.
- Die on stage.

On stage?

You wanna die on live TV.

Wouldn't that be the best?

I mean, the show itself
is pre-taped, right?

So what does ABC do if I die

- during the show?
- Do they air it?

Do they run that night's show?

- Yes, of course.
- Sure.

Yes.

We wanna see that.

- Of course.
- They tease the hell
out of it.

- Yeah.
- I mean, the ratings would
be tremendous.

I once had an overdose
of Advil on the show.

Where my head,
I know it sounds ridiculous.

What's that look like?

My head started to swell up,

and by the end of the show
my head was really big.

- Come on.
- And then I went directly
to Cedars-Sinai.

Sean there,
by the way, we did.

- I have seen Sean at the...
- Have you really?

Yeah!

Sean, how well do you know
your way around Cedars?

Oh, like the back
of my hand.

- Absolutely.
- You do? For real?

Yeah, because I get--
here we go.

I get A-fib, right?

You know what
atrial fibrillation is, right?

Where your heart
goes like this...

- Yeah. Exactly.
- I don't know
what we're talking.

It goes like this and so
I'm like Norm from Cheers.

I just go in there like,
"Hey, Sean."

Come on right and..."

Uh, and they put propofol in
which is fantastic.

And then they
knock my heart back

and I go home.

And it happens all the time.

- They do that--
really with the padels?
- Yeah. They do.

Yeah, one time they put me out
and I don't think
they gave me enough.

And I'm not kidding,
they went...

and I woke up and I go,

"This is amazing."

Yeah, I thought it was--

I thought it was
the most incredible feeling
in that moment.

Wait, do they say clear,

- like they do in the movies?
- I don't know. I'm out.

Sean, do you have a nickname?

- Sean, do you have a nickname?
- Do you have
a nickname?

Well, cause I feel like
I just came up with
a great nickname for Sean.

- Is it paddles?
- It's paddles.

Paddles.

- I mean, come on.
- That's so good.

Oh, now, you're having us
over tomorrow

for, uh, Superbowl.

- Very nice of you. Thank you.
- Yeah.

I'm making
smoked chicken wings,

vegan chili, ribs,

big sandwich that
has grilled zucchini
and melted cheese

and arugula on it.

Could we do part of that
with no zucchini?

Yeah, can you take
the zucchini off?

- Just if I can make a request.
- Yeah.

First of all,

I made it for you

because you eat
like a princess.

Yeah.

Is half
of that marinating right now?

Like, did you prep today?

I grilled the zucchini today, yeah.

- Okay. Toss it. Yeah.
- You can toss it out.

Wait, but why--

Who makes the--
what--

- Look how mad you are.
- I've never even heard--

Why you so mad?

- Because who's heard
of a zucchini sandwich?
- I think he's hungry,

he needs popcorn.

He hasn't had anything to eat
like for 45 minutes.

- My blood sugar's dropping.
- You know what I mean?

Let's get some popcorn.
Can we get some popcorn?

- I just wanna get some
popcorn for Jason.
- Can we get some popcorn?

Let's get some popcorn.
Thanks, ma'am.

Oh, this is great.
Thank you so much.

Bring it right over here.

Oh, thank you.

Hold on! Who's that?

- Wait, wait,
can we just--
- Jennifer Aniston?

- What?
- What?

Join the table.

Which way do we go?

- Go this way.
- No, no, no.

I just wanna say--

Are you not mic'd?

So you're not gonna
sit down and talk?

- Look, oh--
- Talk into this.

Looking a little snacky, JB.

Yeah. He's looking snacky.

Give me your shoes
right now.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- You want my shoes?
- Give 'em.

There he goes
with his feet again.

- No streaks!
- No streaks.

Zero tan on the feet.

I'm gonna take these.

Okay. Yeah.
I don't need 'em.

- Jennifer Aniston!
- Jennifer Aniston!

Oh, my God, Jenny!
Oh, my God!

I thought I heard that laugh backstage.

- That's a good food delivery.
- Can we grab
his sparkling water, please?

By the way,
it's so funny,

because it was so nice
of you guys plotted

when I came out
when these guys came out

and it felt
like real enthusiasm

- and it definitely
made me feel good.
- I know.

And then Jennifer Aniston
comes out

and you're like...

The best.

Here you go, buddy.

When we were on the road,

the food chain
was off the charts.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Constantly engaging,
"What are you having?
What are you eating?

"I'm not gonna have that now.
It's way too late."

It was crazy.

Well, I get nightmares
if I have it too late.

Right?

You eat too late
and the demons come.

Jason Bateman might be
the most interesting person
I know.

- And I'm not joking.
- Yeah.

You know,
it's like you did play
Teen Wolf

and it's like in a way
you are a teen wolf.

Because you appear
to be normal

and then
there's this other guy

who's this raging maniac, right?

Right?

Yes! Right!

You never--
you never met the maniac.

I didn't meet the maniac

but I didn't know
the maniac,

the maniac might have
been doing something
illegal backstage.

I remember that.
I was there that night too.

Andy Dick.

- Were you there that night?
- Yeah.

- Wait a second!
- Yeah.

With you, dude.

This reminds me
of the other time

- I think we've already
told this on the podcast.
- Yeah.

I think we were doing
Arrested Development
and he's like,

"Man, I wish
we partied together."

Because Will had shut it down

and I was still
a year or two away.

It would have been awesome,
if we put in and I go,
"We did."

We went out
and we had a big night

and we got all hammered
and then he like...

Not cool.
But he got into his car

and he sped away
and I was like,

"This guy's a badass."

You know?

He doesn't give a shit.
He had a candle
on his dashboard.

Oh!

So bad!

He had a lit candle
on his fucking dashboard.

Yeah. Wait a minute.
Why did you light a candle
on your dashboard?

Oh...

Were your headlights out?

I don't know.

I was driving a vehicle

that had a dashboard

that had a little cut out
on top of it.

That just screamed
for put a regal candle
on there.

That was just
my roadie candle.

What a fucking idiot.

And I would light that thing

and it would be blazing
on my dashboard

while I'm driving
when I shouldn't,

so that the cops can see,
"This dick's got a candle.

I gotta pull--"

It's so stupid.

By the way, instead of mugs,
instead of keychains,

maybe dashboard candles,

that's the SmartLess.

- You're gonna sell
a lot of those.
- That's a great idea.

Jimmy, it's been so fun
having you.

- Thank you for--
- Jimmy!

- We-- we love you.
- Jimmy Kimmel!

We thank you.
You're the best.

Wow. Thanks.

I know, you know what?

I appreciate it.

I appreciate all of you
coming here tonight and...

I also wanna make
one more comment

- about the show if you will?
- Yeah. Go ahead.

Thank you, Jen.

- You can't do the rest
without shoes?
- You guys realize...

No.

I'll tell you what,
America's sweetheart
can't throw.

She can do a lot
but she can't throw shoes.

Go ahead, Jimmy. Yeah.

Now, I love this show,

I'm glad that I feel like,

it's so exciting
to see all these people

come to see you guys do this

and which really came out
of just a very
private conversation

between the three of you

and sometimes really good

and sometimes
not so good guests.

And--

And I'm so happy for you

and I hope you guys
are appreciative of this--

- of the magic that this is.
- Beyond.

- Because it is magical thing.
- Yeah.

These people are here.

And to hear the way,
the dismissive way

you talk about them
off the air is just...

- I just find it offensive.
- I know. Me too.

And I tell them all the time.

I find it very offensive.

I'm with you.

But these are the best.

- Yeah. These are the best.
- These guys are best.

- Uh, thank you, buddy.
- Thanks, guys.

Thanks for having me.

- Jimmy Kimmel!
- Jimmy Kimmel!

Good times.

That was fun.

Thank you guys so much.

I mean
it's just been incredible.

I'm not-- No.

I'm feeling
Sean thinking right now.

There's a fucking smoke
coming out of his ears

- trying to work a bye.
- You know
what he's trying to do.

No.

You know, I just wish
we could have spent more time
with Jen.

- You know...
- Yeah.

But...

It feels so nice to...

...to be here.

Get on here!

Keep going. Keep going.
Keep going.

Come on! Come on! Yeah!

I don't wanna do this.

Just say,
"Hi, everybody.
Thank you for coming."

Hi, everybody.
Thank you for coming.

And if you were...

Okay. I think this has been
really a lovely,

lovely evening

and I wish I just could
come up with something--

something sort of--

- Something simple.
Something really simple.
- Something to say simple.

What's something you say
at the end of something?

Oh, like...

goodbye?

Bye!

Oh, my God, Jimmy.

Thank you, dude.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much!

I'd been like nervous
about this actually.

- Were you really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was so good.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yeah. That was fun.

The first night we were
just like, "What the fuck?"

Right?

That's it. That's a wrap.

Nice going. Great time.

Bye!

So what is sloppy joe?

Is it ground beef
and tomato sauce?

No. It's ground beef,
tomato paste, tomato soup,

chili sauce, white vinegar,
salt and pepper,

- brown sugar.
- Wow.

You can have
one bite. It's not that bad.

When do you put
the Alpo in it?

Is it before or is it...

...as a finisher.

I've ice cream after
if anybody wants some.

What are we? Is there
a four year old's birthday?

Yeah. Congratulations.

What kind? What brand?

Haagen-Dazs.

- Haagen-Dazs? The best.
- Mm.

This is why Haagen-Dazs
is better than any ice cream

because you look at the label
on the vanilla...

It's egg, yolk, sugar
and cream. That's it.

Egg and yolk?

I think so.

Or egg yolk?

Is it egg yolk?

- Probably no comma in there.
- Oh, yeah.

Egg, yolk, uh...

Dumb.

Crea...m.

Crea...m.

Oh!
Played golf yesterday.

With Giles?

With Giles and Josh
and Harry Chung.

I dated a a guy
with a harry chung.

You don't need to tee it up
high for him.

No! No, no.

Do you have any tattoos?

No.
I've always wanted one.

- Have you really?
- Should we get one?

Hmm.

He's got a couple.

Wouldn't it be kind of fun
to get a SmartLess one?

- Not really.
- All right. Do you wanna
think about it?

- Nope. Just did.
- Okay.

You should get the recipe
to sloppy joe.

Too long.

- Hey, you don't have
any tattoos, do you?
- I do not.

You took the one
off your toe?

Not--
Not this guy.

Oh, really? Cause you wanna
get another kingdom.

Isn't that a thing?

Wait.
Do you have a tattoo?

I just got Maple
and Francesca.

Oh, that's right.
Isn't that nice?

But you got it on the most
sensitive part of your arm.

- That's just pure bone
here, right?
- Yeah.

It's well-done flab.

They were like,
"We've never tattooed
into bone.

But I guess."

Dust came up
as they were doing it.

The only reason I have
this here and this here

is that they're never
going away.

- You're right.
- You know?

Now I hope
this goes on forever.

- But what job does?
- Right.

We're not talking about job.
We're talking
about friendship.

Yeah.

Well, I'd rather get
Will and Sean tattooed

than SmartLess.

With our faces.

- Like the logo.
- We'll just see our faces.

Oh, that! Yes.

See this is a great example

of you being hard headed
about something,

because you're like,
"What if this job goes away?"

You can't think
of it like that.

Well, my friendship
with you is not gonna go.

I mean I'll put fucking
Will and Sean
on my goddamn forehead.

- Let's do it.
- Let's get the guy in here.

Yeah. Don't threaten me.

And would you want lower left
or upper right
in that scenario?

- Lower left. Upper right.
- Lower left.

You want lower left?

Yeah, cause it's gonna be
more in your eye line.

Cause you usually look
people in the eye.

I think upper right usually
ends up being

- the one that is
perceived as...
- In Billing--

...that is top billing.

In the movie poster
one sheet for sure.

But in this case,

it's the first one you see
is the closest
to the person's eye.

- Huh.
- You probably
didn't catch that wink.

Nope.

- So how do you feel
about the experience--
- Of being an actor?

I--

No. Of going on tour
now that we've had
distance time.

I've been thinking actually
a lot about doing it again.

- Really?
- Like, I can't wait
to do it again.

Oh, that's cool.
Well, what about it?

I haven't been on a boys trip
since I was in my early 20s.

We could go to England

and we could go to Australia.

- Whatever you like.
- Ireland.

That be really fun.

How stupid is it though

that this goes all the way
across the Atlantic.

I know.

I mean, I can't believe--

Do they have to translate
in other--

Do other people do our voices?

- Like in other languages.
- Yeah.

But do you honestly think
that they'd dub our voices

for the podcast
in other countries?

Well, not English speaking.

No, I know.

I'm talking about
the ones that
don't speak English.

Yes, well how would they
understand it?

Well, only the people
that understand English

- are turning it on.
- All right.

Right?

I don't know.

You know what the number one
speaking language
in the world is?

Well for you,
it's not English.

SmartLess.

SmartLess.