All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S04E06.Mac.and.Charlie.Die.2.480p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BTN

The only way that my dad
is not going to kill us is if
he thinks we're already dead.

- [Dee] What is that?
- A glory hole.

A hole to stick your dick in?

What is the password?
Orgy.

I'm gonna gun this car
as fast as it goes
directly into that wall.

[Tires Screech]

According to the
Philadelphia Police Department,
Mac and Charlie are dead.

I can't believe they're dead.

- You got any plans
for the outside?
- I got some big plans.

♪♪ [Classical]

Um, okay.
Well, I guess this is probably...
this is probably gonna be it.

So, we should get started.
Uh, what to say about Mac.

Um, he certainly was...

angry.

- Burn the duster!
- I'm not burning the duster!

Okay?
I'm not burning the duster.
All right? That's crazy.

That's like... That's insane.
Why would I ever burn...
I mean, come on.

I will continue to wear it
in his honor. And I will
burn some other things.

You know, maybe like
these stupid, goddamn
sleeveless T-shirts...

that he wants "retired"
and hung up in the bar,
I'll burn these.

But I am not burning
the duster, okay?
So forget it.

It probably won't even burn
anyway. It's not supposed to.
It's flame-retardant.

That's like the whole point.
It's like a shield of armor.

So stop asking me
to burn the duster.
I'm not gonna burn it!

So, end of story.
You know?

Let's just move on.

♪♪ [Classical Continues]

Okay?

So, yeah.

All right.
Well, uh, thank you.

Come on.
No. I'm not doing it.

Come on!
No!

Deandra, get on that stage!

Before Mac and Charlie died,
they made a slide show.

And, uh, we're gonna play a song
that was a favorite of theirs.

Go ahead.
Yeah.

[Man]
♪ It's all the same ♪

♪ Only the names will change ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ It seems we're wasting away ♪

♪ Another place ♪

♪ Where the faces are so cold ♪

♪ I drive all night ♪

♪ Just to get back home ♪

♪ I'm a cowboy ♪

♪ On a steel horse I ride ♪

♪ I'm wanted ♪

♪ Dead or alive ♪
[Frank]
I'm gonna miss you, Charlie.

[Mac]
This is bullshit, dude.
No one's mourning me properly.

What are you
talking about, man?
There's nobody here.

Your mom's sitting
right there, man.
She's mourning you.

Yeah.
She watched an entire episode of
Mama's Family and fell asleep.

- Yeah.
- And now I'm gonna give
them the one-gun salute.

No, no, no, no.
No, you're not.
Okay. All right. I got it.

Oh, my God! Let go!

Wow. That was great
and very touching.

Thanks so much for coming,
both of you.

- Time to go.
See you at the next one.
- [Grunts]

Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie.
[Sighs]
It's gonna... be okay.

Tell you what. Why don't you
go into the bathroom,
go into the center stall.

I got a little surprise for you.
It's gonna cheer you up.

That's okay, Frankie.
I don't need to go potty.

No?

Oh, damn it.

[Exhales]
Wow.

Can you believe it, Sis?
They're actually gone.
This changes everything.

I need a ride home.
Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

No, no, no.
Can't do that, Sis.
Gotta get back home A.S.A.P.

I'm meeting a couple of
potential new roommates.
Hot ones.

You know what I'm saying?
[Chuckles]
All right.

Hey, it's time to move on.

[Panting]

Would you mind not breathing
directly into my mouth?

No thoughts on that?
You're not gonna say anything?

You're just gonna stare at me?
That's what you're bringing
to the table.

That's great.
I'm gonna...
Could you excuse me?

Excuse me. Just for a second.
Thank you. Okay.

Excuse... Excuse me.

Sir. Goddamn.

Thanks. I'm just gonna...
Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm just gonna...
Okay.

Of course, let me do it.

Thanks.

Hi. Oh, my God.
It's a freak show back there.

Ma'am, I'm gonna need for you
to step behind the line.
Yeah, look.

As you can probably tell,
I'm not really a "bus person."

It's just a couple of dicks
destroyed my car and forced me
to lower myself to this.

So, if you could just
cut me some slack because...

I don't know if
you've been back there,
but animals.

You're touching me.
This isn't weird for you?

Ma'am, either
you get behind the line
or your ride ends here.

I'm behind the line.
You're on the line.

On the line, behind the line,
who cares?

That's it.
I'm pulling the bus over.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Goddamn it!
Don't pull the bus over.
Really?

Okay, fine. You know what?

I will go back
behind the line with the rest
of the filthy degenerates.

But I am not happy about it,
lady. Excuse me!

Oh, my God. Really?
Oh, my God.

Oh, no. You stay put.
I'll get it.

I'm on the floor of a bus.
On the floor of a filthy bus.
Excuse me for just a second!

Damn it. I can't believe
Dee finally caught on
and canceled her credit card.

This is really not good, dude.
Now we don't have any beans.

We don't have any beer.
We're shit out of luck.
Tell you what.

We'll get back
to the bar, get beer there.
At least we'll have that.

That's not a bad idea.
In the meantime,
I need a popper.

I gotta get my head straight.
I got bad news on the popper
front. This is the last one.

Shit. Really?
Yeah.

All right. Well, I think
I should get it.
No.

I gotta... Not going to happen.

Can I just have it?
Can I just have it?
Bro.

Will you let me
do the poppers?
I just want it.

I just need it, dude.
Will you let me
be the popper person?

Give me the popper, dude!
I need that popper!

I gotta have the popper!

Oh, you son of a bitches!
Hey, look out!

Look out!

Hey! Hey!

[Banging Window]
Hey, you jerks!

Goddamn it!
Move out of the way!

Hey, no! Stop the bus!
Stop the bus!

[Woman]
Shut up, stupid!
You shut up, bitch!

Stop the bus!
I need...

Sir. Sir.
I need to pull the cord to get
off the bus. This is my stop.

You're in my way.
Can you get out of the way
so I can pull the cord?

I'll get out of your way as soon
as I get off... Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?

Goddamn it, you bitches!

[Gasps]

I hate the bus.

Good-bye, Mac's shit.
Good-bye, Mac's shit.

Good-bye, Mac's shit.
Good-bye, Mac...

Come on, dude.
When were you ever
gonna use nunchakus?

Are you kidding me?
Jesus Christ.
[Knocks]

Uh, yeah.
Hang on one second.

All right.

Yeah, it's perfect.

Pow. Hello.
Oh.

Uh, hi.
Um, can I help you?

[German Accent]
You're looking for
a roommate, right?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I was looking
for two, actually. Female?

I believe I was pretty clear
in the ad here.

"Male, 30, looking for
Three's Company type deal.

Did Odd Couple thing
for past decade.
Looking for something new."

Yeah. I did the
Three's Company thing once.
Oh, yeah?

It was pretty cool,
for like a week. And then
I banged one of them.

Oh. Nice.
Not nice.

Do you know what this is
like, banging a chick
that you live with?

It's terrible, man.
Bah-bah-bah.

Every day you have
to deal with this.
Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah.

[Spits]
"Get out, lady."
Hmm, yeah. Yeah.

Wow, yeah. I guess
I never really thought
about that before.

You know, you're much smarter
than my old roommate.

Yeah, look.
I'm gonna be up front
with you.

I run with a pretty wild crew.

There's probably gonna be chicks
over here, like, all the time.

Yeah?
I'm into some
pretty crazy shit.

[Laughs]
Here's the best part.

I don't even know
most of their names.
Oh.

Mm-mmm.
Yes, it's like...
Wow, yeah.

I've been trying to get into
the anonymous sex thing lately.
Oh, yeah?

Now are you, uh, European?

Oh, I'm sorry.
What gave it away?

[Both Laugh]

Nice. Yeah, well...
You know,

I could probably consider
like a Perfect Strangers
type of deal.

Hmm?
Look.

I like this by the way.
This is a sweet duster.

First he doesn't burn
the duster, and now he's
looking for new roommates?

Why did you want to burn
that duster anyway?

Because he always
wears it with no shirt
and a shit load of cologne.

- It's totally ruined.
- Hello, bitches!

Jesus Christ, Dee!
Whoa!

You scared the shit out of me.
I almost dropped all my beer.

I knew you two weren't dead.
What are you doing
popping out of our tent?

Not cool, Dee!
Oh, not cool?

I'll tell you what's not cool.
Crashing my car into a building,

exploding a grenade
inside of it,

and then convincing
your friends and your
family that you're dead.

That's one of the cooler things
you could ever do.
Unbelievably cool.

I suggest you try it.
Cooler than I originally
thought it was.

I don't know why you're
up here doing whatever.
And I don't care.

What I do care about
is my 1997 Dodge Neon.
So here's the deal.

You two monkeys are going
get me a new 1997 Dodge Neon.

Or I'm going to tell
Frank and Dennis that you
faked your own deaths...

and you're hiding
up on the roof.

Now you're just talking crazy.
You can't buy
a new 1997 Dodge Neon.

You can't buy a new one
unless you had a time machine.

New to me.
Dee, you got
bigger problems.

Because my dad
just got out of jail,
and he's coming to kill you.

What? Me? Are you sure?
Yeah.

Kill you, kill us,
kill everybody really.
He's gonna kill everyone.

Why would you not tell
me this news earlier?
Oh, my God.

Get off our case, Dee.
What's done is done.
Mac and I are hobo drifters now.

- We don't dwell on the past.
- Hobo drifters live
in the present.

If you really want to
get back at Frank and Dennis,
you gotta fake your own death.

I don't want to get back
at Frank and Dennis!
I want to get back at you two!

Really?
Is that what your plan was?
Yes!

I tuned out during
the whole tirade.

The 1997 Dodge Neon thing...
It threw you for a loop?

No, come on!
I tell you what.
Here's the plan.

Why don't you fake
your own death like us?
Yes.

It really is the only thing
you can do now 'cause
you're in this too deep.

Look, you want to die?
Okay.

Now, what's your bean situation?

Yeah.
You got some beans on you?
Or what's up?

Good-bye, Son.

[Chuckles]

♪♪ [Dance Rock]

Hey, Jan.
Oh, man, I gotta tell you,
this is awesome.

It's making me forget that Mac
ever even died.
Oh, yeah.

Just relax, roommate.
I'm gonna relax.

I'm gonna relax all over
the place in a second.
[Knocks]

What?

Oh, shit. Jan?
[Knocks]

All righty.
I gotta get this.

Hey, Dennis.
Really? What do you want?

Wanted to let you know
I was gonna go for a quick jog
in Fairmont Park by myself.

Great. Okay. Have fun.
It's kind of dangerous.

I got it, Dee. Go jogging!
I'm not wearing
anything reflective.

What does it have to do with me?
Just go jog!
Just me out there...

in the middle of the night
by myself.
Goddamn it!

Sorry about her.
She's a bag lady.
I hate her.

Whoa, Dennis! Which one
do you want first, huh?

Greta or Sasha?
Oh, shit!

Why'd you do that, bro?
Come here, man.
What did I do?

You said their names.
Oh, come on, man.
That kills it for me.

Look, bro.
Can I be honest with you?

This is great,
but I was really hoping
for more of like...

an anything-goes,
crazy, European, sex-party
kind of a thing.

Something a little kinkier?
Kinky? Yeah.

Oh, yeah.
Kinky.
Yeah, yeah, I like this.

You like this.
We both, we like this.

Oh, oh! Yeah, let me
make some calls.

You think you can put something
like that together?

Of course I can.
I'm European.
Oh, man.

Huh?
Oh!

That's... [Hissing]

[Both Laughing]

Wow.
Yeah.

Looks like he's got
a lot of new friends.
Yes, I can see that.

Some of them are
really pretty girls.
Yes, they are very pretty.

Wow, that's tough, man.
That's a tough thing
to see, huh?

Shut up, dude.
I'll bet you Frank
is throwing a party too.

It's your turn to take
the bedpan out tonight.

[Imitating Charlie]
No, no, Frank!
I did it last time!

No, Charlie. I got up
in the middle of the night...

and I walked down
the hallway with the bedpan.

[Imitating Charlie]
All right, Frank!
I'll do it!

Only because I like you so much!

[Crying]
I like you, too, Charlie.

I like you, too, new Charlie.
New Charlie.

You know what, man?
I'm kicking it up a notch.
We're haunting these bitches.

- Haunting's cool, man.
- Boom! Coming back
from the grave, bitch.

That's cool. What is this?
What are you doing?
Like Poltergeist or something?

Awesome, right?
Craig T. Nelson!
No, not awesome.

Craig T. Nelson is the best,
dude. But Poltergeist?
[Blows Raspberry]

Why?
It's not scary.

It's all about
psychological damage.
Big deal.

Look at me.
Psychological damage up to here.

Doesn't do anything for me.
Physical damage, that's what's
gonna irritate people.

What do you suggest?
If anything, maybe we tie
some knives to our fingers,

and we get a little more
serious about
this whole murder thing.

Haunting. We're gonna haunt.
Haunting!
I was thinking "dead."

You guys! I'm so happy
to see you! Oh, God!
I had the weirdest night!

It was crazy! As soon
as I left Dennis's place,
I realized I don't have a car.

So I do have to run
home through the park
in the middle of the night.

So I'm on Spring Garden Street
and this big car full
of gangbangers...

Gangbangers,
that is an awesome story, Dee!
That's the end of it, right?

Charlie and I are right
in the middle of something.

We're gonna put some knives
on our fingers
and start murdering people.

- Haunting people.
We're gonna haunt people.
- Whatever.

- You're gonna do like
a Poltergeist thing.
- Shh!

[People Laughing]
It's Dennis.

That's Dennis.
Back office.

- [Dennis] All right!
- Oh, yeah.

This is wunderbar!
Ladies!

[Dennis]
Pop 'em off!
Start poppin' 'em off!

I love it, I love it.
Hey, feel free to be free.
No American judgments here.

The only rule is
don't tell me your names.

I don't want to know
your names, okay?

[Imitating Charlie]
Hi, I'm Charlie.
Oh, I love these girls!

Frank! What are you doing, man?
You're freaking the girls out
with this mannequin.

Get rid of it!
Dennis, these girls
are German.

German!

[Imitating Charlie]
We're gonna have demented sex,
right, Frank?

- Yeah!
- ♪♪ [Dance Rock]

That is the greatest party
I've ever seen.
These sons of bitches!

Is he gonna take that stupid
little mannequin everywhere?
That is freaking me out!

They're hanging out with
half-naked ladies and I just ran
and sweated for nothing?

I don't sound like that.
Goddamn it! Get past it!

Who cares about the mannequin?
I care about the mannequin!

I look like a jerk
in front of those girls.

I'm putting an end
to this right now.
Screw your dad.

Let him eat our asses.
Let him eat my butt
into smithereens.

I'm ending this.
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's not be rash.
I mean, come on.

If we're not gonna haunt them,
we should have a little fun,
right?

Let's scare the shit
out of them.
Yeah.

- We gotta make an entrance.
- Oh, let's scare the shit
out of them.

♪♪ [Continues]

Dennis!
Jan, this is what I want, man.

You've given me
what I want!
Ja. Shh, shh.

Look, I have this very kinky
surprise for you, my friend.
Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I've arranged
for you to use...
the glory hole!

[Laughs]
I forgot about the glory hole.
Ja. Ja, ja, ja!

I've just sent someone
in there now.
Yeah?

Totally anonymous.
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh!

Jan, there are no words, man.

That's right. I'm the boss.
But I'm a good boss.

And I'm gonna allow you
to watch.
[Door Opens]

[Imitating Charlie]
Okay, Frank, I...

[Door Closes]
Shh! Somebody's coming.

Any minute now, the German broad
is gonna knock on that wall,

which is my signal
to go in my pants,

take out my penis,
and stick it through the hole.

[Laughs]
Then she can go to town!

[Dennis] Hey, honey.
You want to take care of
this monster for me or what?

There's no way I can picture
that is a girl.
Frank?

- Dennis!
- What the hell are
you doing here, man?

Jan sent me!
Jan sent me too!

- This is bad.
- Everybody out!

There has been
a major miscommunication!

Get your European, sex, freaky
asses out of the bar. Let's go.

Come on. Come on.
Move it. Move it.
That's right.

Let's go, ladies.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Get out!

Get out! Get out!
Get out! Get out!
Hey, you, too, Jan.

Hey, beat it!
What did I do?

What did you do?
Jan, you were gonna have him
glory hole me!

Ja.
Yeah, my ass!
Get out of here!

Are you kidding me?
You sex freak!
You Americans are so uptight!

You ruined our glory hole.
Beat it. And shut the door.

Sick freak. You didn't know
anything about that?
Weirdo. What?

Kaboom!
Surprise, bitches!

We're alive!
And it's blowing your minds
right now!

[Cackling]

It is not blowing
our minds at all.
I knew you guys were alive.

- [Mac, Dennis] Huh?
- I knew you guys were
alive, okay?

- I figured it out right
before the funeral.
- How?

I could hear you guys rustling
around in the vents. You were
speaking at full volume.

Did you think you were being
crafty? I could see you staring
at me through the window!

I can see through my windows.
I wanted to piss you off.

What about me?
Did you want to piss me off?

Uh, you, I thought might've
actually been murdered.

That's what I thought.
So hold on a second.
Frank, you knew too?

Yeah. I knew.

And some of the stuff you've
been doing with this mannequin
here, that's, like, um...

To teach me a lesson, or...

Yeah.

Did I see you
bang that thing?
All right, you know what?

Why were you guys pretending
that you were dead anyway?
That's a messed-up thing to do.

My dad got out on parole
and he's coming to kill me
and Charlie.

You got a letter the other day.
He sent a letter.

- Who sent a letter?
- I got it. I got it.
It was sent to the bar.

"Dear Son, I asked you
to leave me be."
Yada, yada, yada.

"Forced me to do something that
I hoped I'd never have to do."
Oh, yeah. Here we go.

"I just got out of prison
and I'm heading to Tijuana.

"I wanted to get as far away
from you as I could so that I
could learn how to forgive you.

"Please do not try
to contact me ever.

"I promise that
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Love, Dad.

P.S. I still love you."

Hmm.

Oops.
[Both Laugh]

Because we... This whole thing...

- We didn't have
to do all the...
- Yeah, yeah.

Sorry about your car, Dee.

♪♪ [People Singing In Spanish]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

[Voices Speaking Backwards]