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1
00:00:34,392 --> 00:00:35,725
Dearly beloved,
2
00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:40,183
we are gathered here today to mourn
the passing of a devoted husband,
3
00:00:40,767 --> 00:00:45,267
a loving father, a doting
grandfather and loyal friend.
4
00:00:46,725 --> 00:00:49,392
I was lucky enough to
spend some time with Arthur
5
00:00:49,433 --> 00:00:50,892
towards the end of his illness
6
00:00:50,933 --> 00:00:56,100
and, despite the sad circumstances, I
always looked forward to those visits,
7
00:00:57,017 --> 00:01:00,683
knowing that I would be greeted
with the joy and happiness
8
00:01:01,225 --> 00:01:03,183
for which he and Irene were so...
9
00:01:04,308 --> 00:01:06,225
Look, I'm sorry, this won't do.
10
00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:09,183
This family is grieving. You
need to show some more respect.
11
00:01:09,225 --> 00:01:12,725
This family has paid for a
high-quality funeral video.
12
00:01:12,767 --> 00:01:14,600
A lasting memory of a fond farewell.
13
00:01:16,933 --> 00:01:20,308
I got you as far as, "I always used
to look forward to the visits."
14
00:01:21,642 --> 00:01:23,267
Look, go away.
15
00:01:25,642 --> 00:01:27,642
Piss off!
16
00:01:27,683 --> 00:01:31,850
Yeah, Bags, I think we've got enough.
This family needs some space to grieve.
17
00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:33,142
OK.
18
00:01:33,183 --> 00:01:35,558
Good job. Thanks,
everyone, for your patience.
19
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,308
That's great. Could you not
look directly in the camera?
20
00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:40,642
I told you to piss off!
21
00:02:00,308 --> 00:02:02,142
Hey, Baggy! Wait up!
22
00:02:03,142 --> 00:02:04,433
Bags!
23
00:02:07,058 --> 00:02:09,017
All right?
24
00:02:09,058 --> 00:02:10,933
So, good news.
25
00:02:10,975 --> 00:02:14,683
Fat Kenny Radford's grandmother died.
Her funeral's on Saturday. Are you in?
26
00:02:17,350 --> 00:02:19,308
No. Right.
27
00:02:19,350 --> 00:02:22,433
I still think it's a good idea.
Everyone's doing wedding videos.
28
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:26,017
Funeral videos are a niche market.
We just got a touchy family.
29
00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:27,767
I just want to make my own film.
30
00:02:27,808 --> 00:02:30,933
Come on, Bags. Do you think
George Lucas never struggled?
31
00:02:30,975 --> 00:02:34,892
Ridley Scott, right, had to sell a lung
to buy his first camera. That's a fact.
32
00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:37,767
We'll laugh about this when
we shoot The Love Storm.
33
00:02:37,808 --> 00:02:39,225
Are we? Are we?
34
00:02:40,683 --> 00:02:43,308
There he is, having a
little laugh already. Good.
35
00:02:43,350 --> 00:02:46,892
We'll make the first Oscar-winning
end-of-term project in history.
36
00:02:47,392 --> 00:02:49,850
We can't stop now, man. We're this close.
37
00:02:49,892 --> 00:02:52,267
You are going to be up on
that podium, thanking your mum,
38
00:02:52,308 --> 00:02:54,267
your agent, your producer.
39
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:56,308
Thank you? Thanking you for what?
40
00:02:56,808 --> 00:03:00,183
- Making me do shit I don't want to do?
- Bags, you're welcome.
41
00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:05,642
Uncovering The Language Of A Visual Event.
42
00:03:06,642 --> 00:03:08,850
Yep, I know what you're thinking.
43
00:03:08,892 --> 00:03:12,142
A major yawnathon, but hear
me out, because this stuff
44
00:03:12,975 --> 00:03:14,683
is effing cool.
45
00:03:14,767 --> 00:03:18,767
So, fasten your seatbelts, we're about
to take a trip into the avant-garde.
46
00:03:19,183 --> 00:03:22,683
In the words of Vanilla Ice,
"Stop, collaborate and listen,"
47
00:03:22,725 --> 00:03:26,392
because the film I'm about to show
you here is important for two reasons.
48
00:03:26,767 --> 00:03:27,683
Uno.
49
00:03:27,725 --> 00:03:32,308
It paved the way for the experimental
Austrian animation of the 1950s.
50
00:03:32,767 --> 00:03:35,600
And, dos, it's a short film.
51
00:03:35,642 --> 00:03:40,433
The very same medium we shall be
exploring in our end-of-year projects.
52
00:03:40,475 --> 00:03:43,683
"What's that, Mr D?
Short films? Two minutes?"
53
00:03:43,725 --> 00:03:45,642
"No sweat. Easy."
54
00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:47,933
Wrong, sailor, incorrect.
55
00:03:47,975 --> 00:03:51,350
Because it's not about
how long it is. Is it?
56
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,308
It's about what you do with it.
57
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:04,558
So, yeah, granted, it's slightly
different from previous years, shorter.
58
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:07,142
But it's a challenging format and I...
59
00:04:07,183 --> 00:04:11,100
Excuse me, Mr Dulberg, sorry. Our
script's a feature film, 90 minutes.
60
00:04:11,975 --> 00:04:16,683
Well, if it isn't Leatherhead's
very own Spielberg and Weinstein.
61
00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:18,808
We've been working on it for three years.
62
00:04:18,850 --> 00:04:20,558
Yes, sorry about that, lads.
63
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,142
My bad. I think you've
got some editing to do.
64
00:04:23,183 --> 00:04:25,558
What? To two minutes?
65
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,058
Guys, can we, can we have
a bit of realism here?
66
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:32,683
This is Leatherhead
University, OK? Not UCLA.
67
00:04:32,725 --> 00:04:35,142
If you want a calling
card, go to the printer's.
68
00:04:38,933 --> 00:04:40,808
Maybe it's for the best, darling.
69
00:04:41,808 --> 00:04:44,017
It was going to be our ticket to Hollywood.
70
00:04:44,058 --> 00:04:46,558
- Can I speak for you, Val?
- Always, Stephen.
71
00:04:48,892 --> 00:04:53,392
The entertainment industry is an
impossible road, full of obstacles.
72
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,475
Now, we admire your ambition,
Joe. Ambition is everything.
73
00:04:57,517 --> 00:04:59,058
You've got to follow your dream.
74
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:04,100
That way, when you fail, you can
always say, "Well, at least I tried."
75
00:05:04,642 --> 00:05:06,808
Gotcha. Thanks, Dad.
76
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:10,600
Why don't you come in
to work with me tomorrow?
77
00:05:10,642 --> 00:05:14,183
Get the feel of the place. Start learning
the ropes. It might cheer you up a bit.
78
00:05:14,225 --> 00:05:17,225
That's a wonderful idea, Dad.
79
00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:19,350
Joe?
80
00:05:19,392 --> 00:05:20,808
Yeah, Dad, it sounds great,
81
00:05:21,475 --> 00:05:22,850
but I think I've got to...
82
00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:25,767
do things all day.
83
00:05:27,183 --> 00:05:29,183
Well, let's do it soon, all right?
84
00:05:29,225 --> 00:05:32,767
Term ends in a couple of months and
then I want you trained up, quick-smart.
85
00:05:32,808 --> 00:05:35,142
After that, it's you and me.
86
00:05:35,183 --> 00:05:37,892
Clarke r Son School of Motoring.
87
00:05:37,933 --> 00:05:42,475
Seven top-of-the-range Fiestas.
Walnut dash and a growing client base.
88
00:05:43,433 --> 00:05:45,433
You're set for life.
89
00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:01,558
Could you two find somewhere else to
mope? You're depressing the regulars.
90
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,767
Three years of film school, Lila,
and I'll end up a driving instructor.
91
00:06:04,808 --> 00:06:06,183
At least it's a job, Joe.
92
00:06:06,225 --> 00:06:08,808
- It's a shit job.
- It's an amazing job.
93
00:06:08,892 --> 00:06:13,392
It's the only job that is not only extremely
boring, but, at the same time, very dangerous.
94
00:06:14,142 --> 00:06:17,183
- I'll be trapped in Leatherhead forever.
- Hey, hey, don't knock Leatherhead.
95
00:06:17,225 --> 00:06:20,642
Sure, Hollywood's all right,
but do they have a Kebabsolutely?
96
00:06:20,683 --> 00:06:21,933
Does it have a big Tesco?
97
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:26,433
No. No, you're right, it's
rubbish. It's all just bright lights
98
00:06:26,475 --> 00:06:29,600
and cool parties and
premieres and beautiful women.
99
00:06:29,642 --> 00:06:32,183
Grace Kelly, Cameron Diaz. Jessica Rabbit.
100
00:06:34,933 --> 00:06:38,058
Yeah, you know you would. You'd
do Jessica Rabbit in a heartbeat.
101
00:06:39,017 --> 00:06:42,100
You two are pathetic. You
go on and on about Hollywood,
102
00:06:42,142 --> 00:06:44,642
but all you ever do is sit
around here bugging me all day.
103
00:06:44,683 --> 00:06:46,100
You're all bark and no bite.
104
00:06:46,142 --> 00:06:48,267
"All fart and no follow
through," as my gran would say.
105
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,850
I follow through. I am doing stuff.
106
00:06:51,183 --> 00:06:53,850
- Pestering the recently bereaved?
- It's a niche market.
107
00:06:54,683 --> 00:06:58,225
What I'm saying is, why are you
letting some bitter, jealous,
108
00:06:58,267 --> 00:07:00,600
dead-end college
lecturer stand in your way?
109
00:07:00,642 --> 00:07:03,933
Did Tarantino ask his teacher for
permission to make Reservoir Dogs?
110
00:07:03,975 --> 00:07:05,517
London is 20 miles down the road,
111
00:07:05,558 --> 00:07:08,392
crammed full of film companies
desperate for good ideas.
112
00:07:08,433 --> 00:07:09,808
Yeah.
113
00:07:09,850 --> 00:07:11,600
Bags, don't be so negative.
114
00:07:11,642 --> 00:07:15,975
No, no, you're right. We need to get out
there. We need to get up in their faces.
115
00:07:16,017 --> 00:07:17,767
Let's take this mountain to Mohammed.
116
00:07:17,808 --> 00:07:21,225
Baggy, start the car, because
we are going to London.
117
00:07:24,975 --> 00:07:28,142
The film industry is just
like any other business, Bags.
118
00:07:28,433 --> 00:07:30,183
It's all about supply and demand.
119
00:07:30,558 --> 00:07:34,725
Film companies demand a great script and we
are about to supply them with exactly that.
120
00:07:34,975 --> 00:07:37,475
We're like a dream
come true for these guys.
121
00:07:37,517 --> 00:07:39,600
And we're going straight to the big dogs.
122
00:07:39,642 --> 00:07:44,017
Working Title. The most successful
British film company ever.
123
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:58,058
So, we're just going to walk in there,
pitch the film and get the money?
124
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,183
Come on, Bags, don't be so negative.
125
00:08:00,225 --> 00:08:03,142
It's like God said to Moses,
"You've got to have faith."
126
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:05,183
Wasn't that the fella from Wham?
127
00:08:05,225 --> 00:08:07,892
- No, Moses was never in Wham.
- No, I mean...
128
00:08:11,225 --> 00:08:13,392
Hi, there. Joe Clarke, producer.
129
00:08:14,517 --> 00:08:16,600
Oh, my God, do men get lost in your eyes?
130
00:08:16,975 --> 00:08:21,600
If you keep pointing those things at me, I'm
going to need a search party, because I'm lost.
131
00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:24,392
And I'm hungry. I may
have to eat my friend here.
132
00:08:25,767 --> 00:08:27,308
Tasty!
133
00:08:27,350 --> 00:08:29,350
Hello, Working Title.
134
00:08:29,683 --> 00:08:30,642
Yes.
135
00:08:34,933 --> 00:08:37,183
Wonderful. OK, Chris, putting you through.
136
00:08:38,475 --> 00:08:41,933
- Sorry, sir. You were saying?
- I may have to eat my friend here.
137
00:08:42,642 --> 00:08:44,517
What?
138
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:46,683
Because of the eyes thing.
139
00:08:47,183 --> 00:08:48,725
You've got massive eyes.
140
00:08:49,892 --> 00:08:54,142
- Sorry, can I help you?
- Yes, we're here to pitch a movie.
141
00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:57,850
- Right. Do you have an appointment?
- No, but we do have a fantastic script.
142
00:08:58,267 --> 00:09:00,808
- Really?
- Yes. It's perfect for Working Title.
143
00:09:01,350 --> 00:09:03,475
Hang on, because we're Working Title.
144
00:09:03,808 --> 00:09:05,100
This is fantastic news.
145
00:09:05,142 --> 00:09:09,017
I'll ring Mr Bevan and Mr Fellner, the
head of the company, really important.
146
00:09:09,058 --> 00:09:13,267
They're in a big meeting with Universal Studios,
but I'm sure they won't mind if I drag them out.
147
00:09:13,308 --> 00:09:15,975
I'm going to get them to read
your script straight away,
148
00:09:16,017 --> 00:09:18,933
then the guys and the girls
can start casting and budgeting
149
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:21,308
and we'll all go out for
champagne and teppanyaki.
150
00:09:23,017 --> 00:09:25,100
- Are you being sarcastic?
- Yes, I am.
151
00:09:25,558 --> 00:09:27,142
You do need an appointment.
152
00:09:27,183 --> 00:09:29,767
I can't see your name here, Mr Clarke.
153
00:09:29,808 --> 00:09:32,142
- I'm sorry.
- Well, keep looking.
154
00:09:32,183 --> 00:09:36,225
Just think, they could have stopped checking at
Preparation G... they would have had nothing.
155
00:09:36,933 --> 00:09:40,142
No? OK. Well, Mr Brown, it
looks like we're in trouble.
156
00:09:40,392 --> 00:09:43,683
- Our appointment's not in the book.
- Are you Ian Brown?
157
00:09:45,058 --> 00:09:46,725
I'm Mr Brown.
158
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:50,975
I'm terribly sorry. It's under
Mr Brown's name and not yours.
159
00:09:51,808 --> 00:09:54,433
- 11 o'clock to see Graham Rose?
- That's right.
160
00:09:54,475 --> 00:09:56,850
- Do you want to go through?
- Yes. Thank you.
161
00:09:57,183 --> 00:09:59,392
It's The Big Chill meets
Remains Of The Day.
162
00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:04,350
It's kind of a noir romance, but with
elements of Welles, Capra, Soderbergh.
163
00:10:04,392 --> 00:10:06,392
It's a drama, but it's witty.
164
00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:09,308
Classic themes, but
with a contemporary edge.
165
00:10:09,350 --> 00:10:11,142
Baggy, set the stage.
166
00:10:11,933 --> 00:10:13,892
Night. Thunder.
167
00:10:14,475 --> 00:10:16,642
Lightning. Rain.
168
00:10:17,308 --> 00:10:21,058
A secluded farmhouse on the edge of
town. Our heroine walks to the door.
169
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:24,100
Hands bound, face muddied,
a haunted look in her eye.
170
00:10:24,350 --> 00:10:26,183
This is the story of an enigmatic woman
171
00:10:26,225 --> 00:10:29,517
who enters the lives of two
people and changes them forever.
172
00:10:29,558 --> 00:10:32,225
- Enemies become friends...
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
173
00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:34,350
I've got to be honest with you, Mr Brown.
174
00:10:34,392 --> 00:10:37,225
I thought you were just going
to sell me some print cartridges.
175
00:10:38,933 --> 00:10:40,808
That's it, Joe. I want to go home now.
176
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:44,142
Do you know how long it took
Attenborough to make Gandhi?
177
00:10:44,183 --> 00:10:45,975
It took him ten, long, painful years
178
00:10:46,017 --> 00:10:48,642
and we've been at it for,
like, two and a half hours.
179
00:10:49,350 --> 00:10:52,100
The good news is we're not
making some boring, cry-baby movie
180
00:10:52,142 --> 00:10:54,183
about a bald bloke in a nappy.
181
00:10:54,225 --> 00:10:56,975
Yeah, I know it was a masterpiece,
but you get the picture.
182
00:10:57,017 --> 00:10:59,142
Full steam ahead, my friend, full steam...
183
00:10:59,767 --> 00:11:01,433
Bags! Bags!
184
00:11:02,392 --> 00:11:04,225
It's like a sign.
185
00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:05,892
It is a sign.
186
00:11:08,850 --> 00:11:13,100
If you're looking for Angeline, she's next
door. I should warn you, she used to be a bloke.
187
00:11:13,142 --> 00:11:15,642
No, we've come to see
you, Mr President, sir.
188
00:11:15,683 --> 00:11:17,850
We're filmmakers. We've got an appointment.
189
00:11:17,892 --> 00:11:20,642
Producer Joe Clarke. This
is the director, John Bagley.
190
00:11:20,933 --> 00:11:23,308
We've got a very exciting
project for you, The Love Storm.
191
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,100
Baggy, do the pitch.
192
00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:27,975
Night. Thunder. Lightning. Rain.
193
00:11:28,017 --> 00:11:30,850
- Show these two wankers the door.
- No, no. Look...
194
00:11:30,892 --> 00:11:33,683
I know you're a very busy man,
but we just want two minutes.
195
00:11:33,725 --> 00:11:37,642
This is a great pitch. We're
talking big money, yeah?
196
00:11:37,683 --> 00:11:39,975
Accolades. Awards.
197
00:11:40,017 --> 00:11:41,975
All right, Tweedledee. Two minutes. Go.
198
00:11:42,017 --> 00:11:43,808
Night. Thunder.
199
00:11:43,850 --> 00:11:45,808
Lightning. Rain.
200
00:11:45,850 --> 00:11:48,392
A secluded farmhouse on the edge of town.
201
00:11:48,433 --> 00:11:50,267
This is the story of an enigmatic woman
202
00:11:50,308 --> 00:11:53,475
who enters the lives of two
people and changes them forever.
203
00:11:53,517 --> 00:11:57,183
Enemies become friends.
Friends become lovers.
204
00:11:57,225 --> 00:12:00,017
- She was a stranger...
- Then she shagged the lot of them.
205
00:12:02,225 --> 00:12:05,350
Yeah. Am I sensing there isn't
enough sex in this movie for you?
206
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:08,475
You two tadpoles come wandering in
off the street like Hansel and Gretel.
207
00:12:08,517 --> 00:12:12,225
You've got chutzpah, I like that. I
give you two minutes, you never know.
208
00:12:12,267 --> 00:12:15,225
You might have some girl
next door banging yard dogs.
209
00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:17,350
Or a colony of midget
friends shagging each other.
210
00:12:17,392 --> 00:12:19,350
You're calling it Itty Bitty Gang Bang.
211
00:12:19,392 --> 00:12:21,517
Then you start talking about awards,
212
00:12:21,558 --> 00:12:24,183
without one single mention
of the word "pussy".
213
00:12:25,350 --> 00:12:26,892
Do you see that?
214
00:12:27,350 --> 00:12:31,308
Now that is the only thing that gets
the Academy's juices flowing around here.
215
00:12:33,683 --> 00:12:36,642
- Candy Fiveways.
- Do you know who Candy Fiveways is?
216
00:12:36,683 --> 00:12:39,100
Yes. She was in I Candy 2.
217
00:12:39,142 --> 00:12:40,933
- And?
- And...
218
00:12:41,433 --> 00:12:43,100
It was her sexiest role yet.
219
00:12:44,267 --> 00:12:46,433
"We laughed, we cried,
we tugged ourselves dry."
220
00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:49,808
Listen, Candy Fiveways is the
biggest name in adult entertainment.
221
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:52,600
The patron saint of the
old Nescafé handshake.
222
00:12:52,642 --> 00:12:54,308
She's got three Cocks.
223
00:12:56,392 --> 00:12:59,642
Golden Cockerels. The Oscars of
the adult entertainment industry.
224
00:12:59,683 --> 00:13:01,683
A first-class ticket to the big time.
225
00:13:02,308 --> 00:13:04,683
Now, if you had her in your
film, we could do business,
226
00:13:04,725 --> 00:13:06,517
but you don't, so we
can't and I'm a busy man.
227
00:13:06,558 --> 00:13:08,683
Now your two minutes ended two minutes ago.
228
00:13:08,725 --> 00:13:10,558
Robby, sling 'em out.
229
00:13:17,225 --> 00:13:20,517
That went well. We just got a movie offer.
230
00:13:21,892 --> 00:13:23,058
What?
231
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:25,142
In amongst the tough-guy
stuff was a message.
232
00:13:25,183 --> 00:13:28,058
"A bit of a rewrite, the right
cast, we'll make your movie."
233
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:30,350
No. No, no. No way.
234
00:13:30,392 --> 00:13:32,642
No, I can't make a film like that.
235
00:13:32,683 --> 00:13:36,183
Everybody started somewhere. What's
wrong with starting in erotica?
236
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,392
Not a chance. I can't do that.
237
00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:48,058
You don't have to do that.
The actress will do that.
238
00:13:50,558 --> 00:13:52,642
Baggy, don't give up on me now.
239
00:13:52,683 --> 00:13:55,308
Sex does not automatically ruin the movie.
240
00:13:55,350 --> 00:13:59,267
Well, Scorsese did have to cut
nude shots into his first feature.
241
00:13:59,308 --> 00:14:00,475
There you go.
242
00:14:00,517 --> 00:14:03,475
They all did. You could take
porn apart, give it a heart.
243
00:14:03,517 --> 00:14:06,850
Could reinvent the genre for a
cine-literate, postmodern audience.
244
00:14:06,892 --> 00:14:10,683
Or you could take the The Love
Storm and pop in some shagging.
245
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:14,517
- Hello, we're home! Hi, Baggy.
- Hi, fellas. How's it going?
246
00:14:14,850 --> 00:14:17,683
You missed another exciting day
at Clarke's School of Motoring.
247
00:14:17,725 --> 00:14:19,725
Three passes and one fail.
248
00:14:20,392 --> 00:14:21,808
- What are you watching?
- This?
249
00:14:21,850 --> 00:14:25,308
It's nothing. Just some stuff for
college. Quite boring, actually.
250
00:14:25,850 --> 00:14:28,517
I see. One of those old,
black-and-white foreign jobs?
251
00:14:28,558 --> 00:14:31,600
- A little bit highbrow, is it?
- Yeah, something like that.
252
00:14:31,642 --> 00:14:34,225
- Where's the remote?
- You had it. Find it. Make it stop.
253
00:14:34,267 --> 00:14:39,433
- We like a good thriller, don't we, Valerie?
- Or a comedy. I do love that Ben Stiller.
254
00:14:39,475 --> 00:14:41,850
Yes! Yes! Yes!
255
00:14:45,517 --> 00:14:47,767
Well, then, you wouldn't
be interested in this.
256
00:14:47,808 --> 00:14:51,308
This is just academic,
highbrow, intellectual stuff.
257
00:14:54,892 --> 00:14:58,600
Yes, that's right. Nothing
like a good comedy.
258
00:14:59,017 --> 00:15:00,642
We love a good laugh.
259
00:15:03,058 --> 00:15:04,642
Soapy Tit Wank.
260
00:15:05,517 --> 00:15:08,225
- You call this highbrow?
- Yes.
261
00:15:08,558 --> 00:15:09,808
Yeah, that's...
262
00:15:09,850 --> 00:15:14,308
That's a Czechoslovakian, pre-war,
monochrome, low-budget movie...
263
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:16,975
about hygiene.
264
00:15:20,683 --> 00:15:23,808
The Shawshank Redemption.
Tragically overlooked by the Oscars.
265
00:15:24,267 --> 00:15:27,058
American Beauty. Well, Kevin
Spacey is amazing in that.
266
00:15:27,558 --> 00:15:29,517
Shaving Ryan's Privates?
267
00:15:30,517 --> 00:15:32,642
Baggy, Shaving Ryan's Privates?
268
00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:36,225
- Research material.
- Research material?
269
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:38,975
Do you want American Beauty
and Shawshank or just that?
270
00:15:39,017 --> 00:15:41,183
No. Yeah. Of course I do.
271
00:15:41,225 --> 00:15:45,433
It really is research for my
script, you know, The Love Storm.
272
00:15:45,933 --> 00:15:49,392
The Love Storm? Isn't that a
psychological romance, with a girl?
273
00:15:49,433 --> 00:15:53,933
Yeah, except the narrative has
expanded to accommodate a sub genre.
274
00:15:53,975 --> 00:15:56,975
Genre splicing. Good idea.
Increase your potential audience.
275
00:15:57,017 --> 00:15:58,850
It's more of a character piece.
276
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:01,433
So, more emotional depth?
It still doesn't explain...
277
00:16:02,975 --> 00:16:05,350
It's more of a porn film.
278
00:16:05,808 --> 00:16:10,267
Right, right, a porn film. You should have said.
But you don't want Shaving Ryan's Privates.
279
00:16:10,308 --> 00:16:11,808
A I bit too much cock in that one.
280
00:16:11,850 --> 00:16:15,308
But if you want to know about porn,
I'll tell you about porn. Come round.
281
00:16:17,475 --> 00:16:19,475
Welcome to my world.
282
00:16:19,975 --> 00:16:21,975
This'll be a voyage of
discovery for you, boy.
283
00:16:28,975 --> 00:16:32,767
- Hi, I've come to meet Miss Fiveways.
- I wish I could help, but she isn't here.
284
00:16:33,267 --> 00:16:37,017
You're good. You are very good.
285
00:16:37,308 --> 00:16:40,558
A Candy Fiveways film. Your address.
286
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,850
- Busted.
- No, we're the distribution company.
287
00:16:43,892 --> 00:16:46,433
We distribute films made by other people.
288
00:16:47,392 --> 00:16:48,933
You distribute?
289
00:16:50,058 --> 00:16:52,850
That's excellento. That's
valuable work, distribution.
290
00:16:53,392 --> 00:16:55,350
But you must know how to get hold of her.
291
00:16:55,392 --> 00:16:57,600
- Do you have a number?
- We're not really supposed...
292
00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:58,892
Tiffany.
293
00:16:58,933 --> 00:17:01,433
Hey, it's me. It's Joe. Remember?
294
00:17:02,183 --> 00:17:04,558
Hey, look, there. Look at that smile!
295
00:17:05,683 --> 00:17:08,142
That smile is wasted here.
You should be in movies.
296
00:17:08,183 --> 00:17:09,808
- You really think so?
- Yeah.
297
00:17:10,808 --> 00:17:13,058
Come on. How about that number?
298
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:15,100
I'm not really supposed to, but...
299
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:18,683
we do have a number here for...
300
00:17:18,725 --> 00:17:20,517
Fiveways International.
301
00:17:20,558 --> 00:17:21,808
This is it.
302
00:17:21,850 --> 00:17:23,058
Tiffany?
303
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:27,767
Without you, this company would
sink without a trace and you know it.
304
00:17:28,225 --> 00:17:30,350
Love you, Tiffany Thomas.
305
00:17:30,392 --> 00:17:32,267
And I love you...
306
00:17:34,017 --> 00:17:35,600
Joe Clarke.
307
00:17:43,392 --> 00:17:45,767
Fiveways International. Clive Purves.
308
00:17:45,808 --> 00:17:49,392
Hello there, Clive. Tell me,
do you handle Candy Fiveways?
309
00:17:49,808 --> 00:17:52,392
- Yes, we do.
- Excellent!
310
00:17:52,433 --> 00:17:55,142
I'm a film producer, making a film and...
311
00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:57,183
Well, how do I put this?
312
00:17:57,517 --> 00:17:58,850
I want Candy.
313
00:17:58,892 --> 00:18:01,683
Well, let me see. Candy Fiveways...
314
00:18:02,308 --> 00:18:03,433
Yeah.
315
00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:09,183
She's available. Do you want single
entry, double entry or the full executive?
316
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:12,100
- As in?
- Well, sir, the more you spend,
317
00:18:12,142 --> 00:18:13,725
the more positions are possible.
318
00:18:13,767 --> 00:18:15,850
I mean, she does it all, but for a price.
319
00:18:15,892 --> 00:18:19,058
Yes, silly of me. I don't think we
should limit ourselves at this stage.
320
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:22,225
- How much for the full executive?
- Let me see. Full executive...
321
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:24,308
£250 plus VAT.
322
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:28,100
So, it's that easy?
323
00:18:30,142 --> 00:18:31,933
Tell me, what's she like?
324
00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:36,683
Well, she's got blonde hair,
325
00:18:36,725 --> 00:18:38,433
red lips,
326
00:18:38,475 --> 00:18:40,100
a nice bum.
327
00:18:40,142 --> 00:18:42,392
Is she smart? You know, funny?
328
00:18:43,517 --> 00:18:45,100
She's a doll.
329
00:18:45,142 --> 00:18:46,725
Yeah.
330
00:18:47,725 --> 00:18:49,183
I hear you.
331
00:18:52,267 --> 00:18:56,100
Adult entertainment, erotica, blue
movies, you can call it what you want.
332
00:18:56,142 --> 00:18:58,517
Essentially, all porno is exactly the same.
333
00:18:58,558 --> 00:19:01,558
It's boy meets girl. They kiss.
334
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,433
She smokes a little cock, he eats
some hairy pie and then they have sex.
335
00:19:05,475 --> 00:19:07,558
Vaginal first. Romance is not dead.
336
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:09,933
Then, one up the bum, no
harm done, then more oral.
337
00:19:09,975 --> 00:19:11,600
I don't make the rules. It happens.
338
00:19:11,642 --> 00:19:14,058
Finally, bukkake. She's left embarrassed.
339
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,642
Egg on her face, so to speak.
340
00:19:16,308 --> 00:19:19,975
- Yeah, well, I want to change all that.
- Two pounds, love. You'll enjoy that.
341
00:19:20,017 --> 00:19:22,642
So you want him to come on
her first? How will that work?
342
00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:25,017
You don't understand the
basics of pornography.
343
00:19:25,058 --> 00:19:27,850
It's not based on the same
criteria as regular films.
344
00:19:27,892 --> 00:19:30,017
If someone rents a normal movie,
345
00:19:30,058 --> 00:19:33,142
watches it for ten minutes, switches
it off, it means it was shit.
346
00:19:33,183 --> 00:19:36,267
With pornography, quite the
reverse. It means job done.
347
00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:40,100
I want to make the first adult movie
where people want to watch to the end.
348
00:19:40,517 --> 00:19:42,267
They'll tug themselves numb!
349
00:19:42,308 --> 00:19:45,100
But, if you can do it, you'll
have changed the way people think
350
00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:47,683
of gentlemen's special-interest cinema.
351
00:19:47,725 --> 00:19:49,433
If anyone can do it, you can, mate.
352
00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:54,225
One more thing, Baggy.
353
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:57,683
There's a saying in show business,
"Never work with children or animals."
354
00:19:57,725 --> 00:19:59,392
Nowhere is that truer than porno.
355
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:09,100
"The sharpest sword cuts silk, not stone."
356
00:20:13,642 --> 00:20:16,267
"The warrior must live
like he's already dead."
357
00:20:16,308 --> 00:20:18,017
Come.
358
00:20:21,142 --> 00:20:22,600
Mr Perry,
359
00:20:23,225 --> 00:20:26,433
I know you're a very busy man, so I
won't take up a second of your time.
360
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,558
- I've got Candy.
- Bollocks.
361
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,642
For The Love Storm. You said
if I could get Candy Fiveways.
362
00:20:32,683 --> 00:20:33,892
Well, I've got her.
363
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,850
I spoke to her management.
Discussed terms. Agreed a deal.
364
00:20:36,892 --> 00:20:38,517
Bollocks you have!
365
00:20:38,558 --> 00:20:40,642
Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right.
366
00:20:41,350 --> 00:20:43,892
I've had the people at Bell
End Pictures on the phone.
367
00:20:43,933 --> 00:20:46,017
Probably more their sort of thing, anyway.
368
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,100
Robby, get Mr Clarke a chair.
369
00:20:58,767 --> 00:21:00,308
You've got Candy?
370
00:21:01,392 --> 00:21:04,933
Her agents drove quite a hard
bargain, but, yeah, everyone's happy.
371
00:21:05,225 --> 00:21:08,058
She's very excited. I'm very excited.
372
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,725
Well, well, well.
373
00:21:12,308 --> 00:21:13,142
Doughnut?
374
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:44,808
Congratulations, Joe. I'm
a difficult man to impress.
375
00:21:45,433 --> 00:21:47,767
I look forward to working
with Miss Fiveways.
376
00:21:47,808 --> 00:21:51,267
And I'm sure Miss Fiveways is looking
forward to working with you again.
377
00:21:51,308 --> 00:21:53,850
- Robby!
- You've worked with her before?
378
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:58,767
Yeah. You're a producer. You know it's
all about keeping plates in the air.
379
00:21:59,058 --> 00:22:03,058
We did experience a few minor difficulties
with her on our last production.
380
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:05,350
Cash flow. You know the sort of thing.
381
00:22:05,392 --> 00:22:10,100
I bear no grudge, but I do think it would
be best if our involvement was limited
382
00:22:10,142 --> 00:22:12,725
to our subsidiary film-developing arm.
383
00:22:14,725 --> 00:22:17,308
Big Bang Pictures.
384
00:22:17,350 --> 00:22:20,725
- Big Bang Pictures?
- Yeah, Big Bang Pictures.
385
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,683
Think of us as a silent partner.
386
00:22:23,725 --> 00:22:25,683
"Silent" being the operative word.
387
00:22:25,975 --> 00:22:27,892
No-one hears about this deal. Understand?
388
00:22:30,017 --> 00:22:31,850
What deal?
389
00:22:32,267 --> 00:22:34,892
I do not understand. Why would...
390
00:22:35,725 --> 00:22:39,225
Hi, guys. What's the haps?
Can we have a little chat?
391
00:22:39,267 --> 00:22:42,225
We make a film, a political allegory.
392
00:22:42,267 --> 00:22:48,100
The chicken, he represent the
suffering of the flightless masses
393
00:22:48,142 --> 00:22:51,725
and the sky, she represent the hope.
394
00:22:51,767 --> 00:22:54,975
- And the balloons?
- It's Gabi's birthday.
395
00:22:55,017 --> 00:22:57,558
- Hi.
- So I hear you get money for The Love Storm.
396
00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,933
You top-student, filmmaker guys.
397
00:22:59,975 --> 00:23:02,850
And you, top sound, camera, lighting guys.
398
00:23:03,767 --> 00:23:06,183
Listen, we're going to need a crew.
399
00:23:08,808 --> 00:23:09,767
Chicken!
400
00:23:09,808 --> 00:23:12,350
- Brilliant. Are you in?
- No.
401
00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:16,433
Sorry, no. The cinema is
like a window to the soul.
402
00:23:16,475 --> 00:23:20,142
For us to make a commercial film
would be to ask big-time chef
403
00:23:20,183 --> 00:23:21,558
to make chicken nuggets.
404
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:23,808
We make chicken in a basket.
405
00:23:23,850 --> 00:23:25,350
Fair enough.
406
00:23:25,392 --> 00:23:27,642
It's not your sort of thing, anyway.
407
00:23:27,683 --> 00:23:30,183
There will be some girls in it and nudity.
408
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:33,017
Imagine shooting that first scene.
409
00:23:34,808 --> 00:23:36,600
She's walking towards you.
410
00:23:36,642 --> 00:23:39,933
Long hair cascades down,
staring right into your eyes.
411
00:23:40,475 --> 00:23:44,225
Swinging hips, fertile, with
all of a woman's promise.
412
00:23:46,142 --> 00:23:49,892
Then, she leans forward and
just whispers in your ear...
413
00:23:49,933 --> 00:23:51,850
"It's time for your bed bath."
414
00:23:52,433 --> 00:23:55,808
Her crisp, white nurse's
uniform can barely contain her...
415
00:23:57,100 --> 00:23:58,683
heaving breasts.
416
00:23:59,767 --> 00:24:01,767
She wants you.
417
00:24:03,475 --> 00:24:06,100
She wants you.
418
00:24:07,433 --> 00:24:11,017
- But we'll find someone else.
- No, no, we will do it.
419
00:24:11,392 --> 00:24:13,683
- Your chicken's getting away.
- Hey!
420
00:24:41,392 --> 00:24:42,558
OK, people.
421
00:24:42,767 --> 00:24:44,475
Everyone ready? Everyone excited?
422
00:24:44,517 --> 00:24:47,683
If a member of staff so much as
glances our way, what's the signal?
423
00:24:48,933 --> 00:24:53,350
Then we get rid of anything that doesn't
look like a Ukrainian art-house audition.
424
00:24:53,767 --> 00:24:56,308
Like the girls with their boobies out?
425
00:24:56,642 --> 00:25:00,517
For God's sake, Lila. Grow
up. We're making a film here.
426
00:25:00,558 --> 00:25:04,850
I know Baggy is, but you're awfully
excited about this casting thing.
427
00:25:04,892 --> 00:25:07,308
I can't help thinking it's the boobies.
428
00:25:07,350 --> 00:25:10,058
Hey, I'm realising a dream here.
429
00:25:10,100 --> 00:25:13,683
I was staring at a life in the
suburbs, working for my dad,
430
00:25:13,725 --> 00:25:17,558
with nothing to show for myself
except crippling mediocrity,
431
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:21,308
failed ambitions and the overwhelming
desire to have a bath with a toaster.
432
00:25:21,350 --> 00:25:23,933
And now, now, we're all
actually making the movie
433
00:25:23,975 --> 00:25:26,808
that is going to get us out of
Leatherhead and into the big time.
434
00:25:26,850 --> 00:25:29,308
That is why I'm excited, Lila, OK?
435
00:25:30,308 --> 00:25:32,100
That and the boobies.
436
00:25:33,142 --> 00:25:35,350
You have never known
what it is to be happy.
437
00:25:36,350 --> 00:25:37,600
But wait.
438
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,808
Uncle Vanya, wait!
439
00:25:41,517 --> 00:25:43,850
We shall rest.
440
00:25:47,308 --> 00:25:50,433
That's great, Lucy, really,
really great. We'll be in touch.
441
00:25:51,183 --> 00:25:54,058
Sorry. Baggy, didn't you have
something else to ask Lucy?
442
00:25:54,100 --> 00:25:55,933
What? No. No.
443
00:25:55,975 --> 00:25:58,017
That's all for today. Thank you, Lucy.
444
00:25:58,058 --> 00:26:00,683
Hang on. Sorry. Don't you
need to see her without...?
445
00:26:00,725 --> 00:26:02,725
No. No.
446
00:26:02,767 --> 00:26:04,850
- Yes. You definitely said...
- No, I didn't.
447
00:26:04,892 --> 00:26:07,600
Definitely didn't. It's not
the kind of thing I'd say.
448
00:26:08,058 --> 00:26:11,100
- Joe, maybe you should.
- Where's my pen?
449
00:26:11,767 --> 00:26:14,183
Thank you, Lucy. That's all
we need. We'll be in touch.
450
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,892
OK, so you don't want to see my tits, then?
451
00:26:17,975 --> 00:26:20,392
- That won't be necessary.
- That would be great.
452
00:26:20,433 --> 00:26:22,308
- Won't be necessary.
- We'd love to.
453
00:26:42,308 --> 00:26:43,892
Atten-shun!
454
00:26:45,808 --> 00:26:47,392
Left! Right!
455
00:26:48,392 --> 00:26:50,142
Left! Right!
456
00:26:50,183 --> 00:26:52,683
Left, right! Left, right!
457
00:26:52,725 --> 00:26:55,558
Left, right! Left, right!
Left, right! Left, right!
458
00:27:03,933 --> 00:27:07,725
I think about what might have been,
but the Jezebel packed her bags...
459
00:27:10,558 --> 00:27:12,433
and went away
460
00:27:12,475 --> 00:27:15,392
and I've never been the
same again since that summer.
461
00:27:15,433 --> 00:27:17,433
Thank you...
462
00:27:17,475 --> 00:27:20,100
Carl, that was, that'll be all.
463
00:27:22,142 --> 00:27:23,725
Excuse me.
464
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:26,975
Carl, that was a very brave performance.
465
00:27:27,017 --> 00:27:28,725
I know.
466
00:27:28,767 --> 00:27:30,767
I wrote it myself.
467
00:27:30,808 --> 00:27:32,850
It's just about this really,
468
00:27:32,892 --> 00:27:35,475
really emotional time in my life.
469
00:27:35,517 --> 00:27:40,142
I like to draw on everything I can to make
my acting as deep and as real as it can be.
470
00:27:40,183 --> 00:27:42,808
- Could we see you without your shirt on?
- Absolutely.
471
00:27:45,558 --> 00:27:46,683
Thank you, Carl.
472
00:27:47,767 --> 00:27:49,558
Very nice.
473
00:27:49,808 --> 00:27:51,183
- Joe?
- Yeah. No.
474
00:27:51,225 --> 00:27:53,058
Sorry, mate, you're not really...
475
00:27:53,100 --> 00:27:56,517
- We're looking for something different.
- Great. We'll be in touch.
476
00:27:57,017 --> 00:27:58,308
Yeah?
477
00:27:59,475 --> 00:28:00,725
- Great.
- Great.
478
00:28:03,850 --> 00:28:05,100
Great.
479
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:06,433
Next!
480
00:28:42,308 --> 00:28:44,558
That's great. We'll be in touch.
481
00:28:45,558 --> 00:28:46,725
Did you like it?
482
00:28:46,767 --> 00:28:49,558
Great choice. It's very powerful, very now.
483
00:28:49,892 --> 00:28:51,392
I made a shield.
484
00:28:51,683 --> 00:28:53,558
I love the shield.
485
00:28:59,475 --> 00:29:01,767
Well, that was some of our best moves.
486
00:29:03,225 --> 00:29:04,892
We've set the standard.
487
00:29:11,225 --> 00:29:14,017
That's a very unusual
audition piece, Mai Ling.
488
00:29:14,058 --> 00:29:16,850
You can roll me around
like a choo-choo train.
489
00:29:16,892 --> 00:29:19,100
The Ping-Pong balls are the steam.
490
00:29:21,850 --> 00:29:24,433
You want even better? I go get peach.
491
00:29:52,558 --> 00:29:56,100
All right, what the hell's going
on and who the hell are you?
492
00:29:57,100 --> 00:29:58,558
Lila Owens.
493
00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,142
It's a huge honour.
494
00:30:00,183 --> 00:30:03,767
These two have told me so much about
you. You're a bit of a hero to them.
495
00:30:03,808 --> 00:30:06,308
They admire your ability to
deconstruct modern cinema.
496
00:30:07,933 --> 00:30:09,350
Really?
497
00:30:10,808 --> 00:30:12,808
Well, "hero" is a big word.
498
00:30:13,100 --> 00:30:14,850
I'm just a guy doing his job.
499
00:30:30,350 --> 00:30:31,558
Good job, guys.
500
00:30:31,892 --> 00:30:33,558
Continuez-vous.
501
00:30:44,558 --> 00:30:46,308
Why don't you roll back on in this way?
502
00:30:46,350 --> 00:30:48,892
She's fine, son. Leave
her be, yeah? Leave her be.
503
00:30:52,058 --> 00:30:54,433
OK, good. Then this is our cast.
504
00:30:55,142 --> 00:30:57,308
- What about Candy?
- You said she'd be here.
505
00:30:57,350 --> 00:31:00,558
I have to sort out costumes. We
haven't even got a location yet.
506
00:31:00,892 --> 00:31:03,683
Come on. She said she will
be here. She will be here.
507
00:31:04,683 --> 00:31:06,683
Package for Joe Clarke.
508
00:31:06,933 --> 00:31:10,392
Yeah, over here. Lila,
let me tell you something.
509
00:31:10,433 --> 00:31:12,517
Not only have I negotiated a fantastic deal
510
00:31:12,558 --> 00:31:16,100
with her representative
at Fiveways International,
511
00:31:16,142 --> 00:31:21,308
but he also assured me that
she would be here any time now.
512
00:31:21,350 --> 00:31:26,392
So, how's about you trot along and
production manage a place for her to relax,
513
00:31:26,433 --> 00:31:29,475
while I prepare myself
for the imminent arrival
514
00:31:29,517 --> 00:31:32,183
of one of the most
beautiful women in the world?
515
00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:34,142
Yeah?
516
00:31:44,392 --> 00:31:46,433
I think she's just arrived.
517
00:31:49,433 --> 00:31:50,558
No.
518
00:31:54,017 --> 00:31:55,933
Wow. I'm in shock.
519
00:31:55,975 --> 00:31:58,183
She looks taller on film, don't you think?
520
00:31:58,225 --> 00:32:00,308
You're in shock? Look at her.
521
00:32:01,267 --> 00:32:03,267
Joe! Do you think this is funny?
522
00:32:03,308 --> 00:32:05,017
No. No.
523
00:32:05,058 --> 00:32:07,350
I don't. I'm just saying that...
524
00:32:07,392 --> 00:32:11,058
Look, hey, I'm a producer, yeah?
So, I'm going to step up and produce.
525
00:32:11,100 --> 00:32:13,850
There's always problems on a
movie shoot. Everything'll be fine.
526
00:32:14,017 --> 00:32:18,142
We saw loads of people today who will
be just as good as Candy Fiveways.
527
00:32:18,183 --> 00:32:21,350
Come on, yeah? Let's cheer up, shall we?
528
00:32:21,392 --> 00:32:23,808
You, with your little down face. Come on!
529
00:32:24,225 --> 00:32:26,767
Hello. What's this?
530
00:32:26,808 --> 00:32:28,975
It's Miss Candy Fiveways. Hello.
531
00:32:29,017 --> 00:32:32,850
Look at your pretty
chops. Hello! Mr Bagley.
532
00:32:32,892 --> 00:32:34,892
Look at her.
533
00:32:34,933 --> 00:32:36,350
Hello.
534
00:32:36,767 --> 00:32:40,225
Miss Owens. Oh, my God, I'm hot
for some lezza action right now.
535
00:32:41,267 --> 00:32:42,683
It's OK.
536
00:32:44,850 --> 00:32:46,350
Joe! Stop it!
537
00:32:46,392 --> 00:32:47,767
Joe, stop!
538
00:32:51,350 --> 00:32:53,100
- Seriously, Joe...
- Yeah?
539
00:32:53,142 --> 00:32:55,975
Our investors are expecting
a Candy Fiveways film
540
00:32:56,017 --> 00:32:59,225
and you've provided them
with a blow-up doll.
541
00:32:59,267 --> 00:33:01,517
Sweetheart, it's going to be fine.
542
00:33:01,558 --> 00:33:03,267
We've got a great cast.
543
00:33:03,308 --> 00:33:05,142
Just leave the money to me, OK?
544
00:33:06,933 --> 00:33:09,350
Many people think the butterfly suffers,
545
00:33:09,392 --> 00:33:12,392
but the chloroform dulls its
senses and it feels nothing.
546
00:33:12,433 --> 00:33:16,600
This way, it won't struggle
when the pin punctures its body.
547
00:33:17,767 --> 00:33:19,725
So, how's my film?
548
00:33:19,767 --> 00:33:23,475
The film? It's great. Yeah. Fully prepped.
549
00:33:24,267 --> 00:33:28,225
Friends become enemies and
enemies have sex with each other.
550
00:33:28,767 --> 00:33:30,142
And our star?
551
00:33:30,183 --> 00:33:33,017
Candy? She's great. She
can't wait to get started.
552
00:33:33,767 --> 00:33:35,267
I find that very surprising.
553
00:33:35,308 --> 00:33:39,100
That's all water under the bridge.
We're thick as thieves, these days.
554
00:33:39,225 --> 00:33:40,933
That's wonderful news.
555
00:33:41,642 --> 00:33:42,975
I find it surprising, Doug,
556
00:33:43,017 --> 00:33:47,058
because she's taking a break from films
to promote some book she's written.
557
00:33:47,100 --> 00:33:51,517
She fancies herself as an author. She's
in town doing book signings at this moment.
558
00:33:51,725 --> 00:33:53,725
You should probably give her a call, Doug.
559
00:33:54,142 --> 00:33:57,392
No, there's no need, Mr De Vere. I've
been on the phone to her all week.
560
00:33:57,433 --> 00:33:59,475
She's very excited.
561
00:33:59,517 --> 00:34:01,850
We're very excited. Aren't we?
562
00:34:02,267 --> 00:34:05,225
That's very good, because I paid
you for a Candy Fiveways film
563
00:34:05,267 --> 00:34:06,808
and I expect you to deliver.
564
00:34:11,392 --> 00:34:13,058
Yeah, this is the place.
565
00:34:14,392 --> 00:34:16,058
Don't look much of a film company.
566
00:34:25,975 --> 00:34:28,350
- Are you Mr Dulberg?
- Guilty as charged.
567
00:34:28,392 --> 00:34:31,767
I'm looking for Joe Clarke. The
lady at the desk said to talk to you.
568
00:34:31,808 --> 00:34:33,933
Right. Yeah, Joe's one of my students.
569
00:34:34,683 --> 00:34:37,475
Not in at the moment. Probably
gone home. Sorry, you are?
570
00:34:37,517 --> 00:34:39,058
I'm his dad. This is his brother.
571
00:34:40,017 --> 00:34:43,225
Right, well, great kid. A
lot of fun. Well done, you.
572
00:34:44,267 --> 00:34:47,808
We were hanging out in the rehearsal
room earlier, having a right laugh.
573
00:34:47,850 --> 00:34:49,933
Always got something to
say. Can't shut him up.
574
00:34:49,975 --> 00:34:53,433
Well, I'll see if I can shut him up
for you. What's his address again?
575
00:34:54,975 --> 00:34:57,392
I thought Joe lived at home
with you and Mrs Clarke.
576
00:34:57,642 --> 00:34:59,558
Yeah, of course he does. Where's that?
577
00:35:00,100 --> 00:35:02,558
- What?
- What?
578
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:03,933
You don't know where you live?
579
00:35:03,975 --> 00:35:06,933
We both know I know where I live,
but do you know where I live?
580
00:35:08,392 --> 00:35:11,142
Well, I can't just give
out students' addresses.
581
00:35:11,517 --> 00:35:15,558
We have the old student-teacher
bond of trust, yawn, but...
582
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:19,392
But it's not his address, is it? It's my
address. Surely you can give me my address?
583
00:35:25,433 --> 00:35:27,100
8, Chester Crescent.
584
00:35:28,225 --> 00:35:29,475
Hello. Can I help you?
585
00:35:29,517 --> 00:35:32,308
Mr Clarke? I'm Mr Dulberg,
Joe's teacher from college.
586
00:35:33,017 --> 00:35:37,225
Right. Well, it's a bit late, Mr
Dulberg. No trouble with Joe, I trust?
587
00:35:37,392 --> 00:35:40,392
- Joe? No, no, good as gold.
- You've just missed him.
588
00:35:40,433 --> 00:35:42,933
He won't be back for a while.
I'll tell him you called.
589
00:35:42,975 --> 00:35:45,600
No, don't put yourself out
on my account. I'll wait.
590
00:35:57,892 --> 00:35:59,933
There he is!
591
00:35:59,975 --> 00:36:03,683
I was telling Valerie and Stephen what
a Jack-the-lad you were at college.
592
00:36:03,725 --> 00:36:06,017
Mr Dulberg here has been
waiting for over an hour.
593
00:36:07,850 --> 00:36:09,517
Mr Dulberg?
594
00:36:10,767 --> 00:36:15,350
Yes. He very kindly dropped by to...
What exactly did you drop by for?
595
00:36:15,392 --> 00:36:18,267
I would very much like to talk
it out with you, one to one.
596
00:36:19,183 --> 00:36:22,558
Show Valerie and Stephen into
the dining room, would you, Robby?
597
00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:24,892
- You want us in the dining room?
- Please.
598
00:36:24,933 --> 00:36:26,933
Got any Wagon Wheels?
599
00:36:29,017 --> 00:36:30,058
Nice suit.
600
00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:35,142
Mr Perry, whatever deal we have is
between us, so leave my parents out of it.
601
00:36:35,183 --> 00:36:38,350
Joe, as the executive partner of our film,
602
00:36:38,392 --> 00:36:41,933
I've dropped round to double-check a
couple of things before we start rolling.
603
00:36:41,975 --> 00:36:46,308
Chiefly, whether you do,
indeed, have Candy, as you say.
604
00:36:47,308 --> 00:36:50,725
- Any particular reason?
- We've got a little issue with our investor.
605
00:36:50,767 --> 00:36:52,433
He's not as easy-going as I am.
606
00:36:52,475 --> 00:36:55,392
He's what we, in the trade,
call "an evil bastard".
607
00:36:55,433 --> 00:36:59,725
If he thought you'd been spending his
ill-gotten gains on flash suits and hair gel,
608
00:36:59,767 --> 00:37:02,725
let's just say he'll find
you and your friend...
609
00:37:02,767 --> 00:37:04,392
Baggy, is it?
610
00:37:04,683 --> 00:37:06,017
Well, that's...
611
00:37:06,058 --> 00:37:09,017
That's lucky, then, because we've got her.
612
00:37:10,017 --> 00:37:11,392
Yep.
613
00:37:11,433 --> 00:37:14,392
Rest assured, she is
signed, sealed and delivered.
614
00:37:14,433 --> 00:37:16,558
How long have you been
working at the college?
615
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:17,892
I don't work at the college.
616
00:37:17,933 --> 00:37:20,600
We thought you were an
associate of Mr Dulberg's.
617
00:37:20,642 --> 00:37:22,850
I only just met him. I
don't know Mr Dulberg.
618
00:37:24,642 --> 00:37:27,225
- Why are you here, then?
- I don't know.
619
00:37:27,767 --> 00:37:30,600
- Ask Doug.
- Who's Doug?
620
00:37:32,767 --> 00:37:34,850
I don't know!
621
00:37:35,850 --> 00:37:37,100
More 'Bena?
622
00:37:38,100 --> 00:37:41,558
I spoke to her this morning, actually,
and she's really looking forward to it.
623
00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:43,892
Jets in tomorrow from LA.
624
00:37:43,933 --> 00:37:47,808
No more bullshit! She's in
London, promoting her poncy book.
625
00:37:47,850 --> 00:37:50,058
Now, you promised me a Candy Fiveways film.
626
00:37:50,100 --> 00:37:54,475
I've promised our investor a Candy Fiveways
film. And that's what we're going to get.
627
00:37:54,517 --> 00:37:58,100
- Or?
- Or I'I kill you.
628
00:37:59,850 --> 00:38:01,808
Can I come in now?
629
00:38:03,433 --> 00:38:06,892
You little monkey. What
am I going to do with you?
630
00:38:06,933 --> 00:38:10,725
Now, look, Mr Dulberg, we'd like to
know what the blue blazes is going on.
631
00:38:10,767 --> 00:38:12,850
Keep your knickers
on. Our job is done here.
632
00:38:12,892 --> 00:38:16,058
Valerie, now, you've got a
great kid here, good as gold.
633
00:38:16,100 --> 00:38:18,933
Always brings me an apple,
stays late to wipe the blackboard
634
00:38:18,975 --> 00:38:20,558
and doesn't fuck about too much.
635
00:38:21,017 --> 00:38:23,933
I'm covering the visual
event, Mr Dulberg. I'm on it.
636
00:38:25,892 --> 00:38:28,933
Don't worry. We'll see ourselves out.
637
00:38:33,725 --> 00:38:35,808
Bye, Robby.
638
00:38:40,933 --> 00:38:43,517
He's a bit eccentric, but
he's a bloody good teacher.
639
00:38:55,517 --> 00:38:59,308
How are we going to recognise her? Think she
looks like the doll? Shall we stick a pin in her?
640
00:38:59,350 --> 00:39:02,808
Stop being so negative, Bags.
She'll be the one signing the books.
641
00:39:02,850 --> 00:39:07,433
We'll approach her directly this time,
skip the agent. Trust me, I'm a producer.
642
00:39:08,975 --> 00:39:10,558
She's the one signing the books.
643
00:39:12,142 --> 00:39:14,850
OK, there are minders either side of her...
644
00:39:30,142 --> 00:39:31,350
Bags?
645
00:39:32,183 --> 00:39:35,392
- Come back...
- Well, this is lovely. Thanks for inviting me.
646
00:39:35,975 --> 00:39:40,058
- You do know how to charm a lady.
- Lila, I need your help.
647
00:39:42,267 --> 00:39:43,725
I'm in a shitload of trouble.
648
00:39:44,892 --> 00:39:46,725
- Hi. What's your name?
- Sam.
649
00:39:47,725 --> 00:39:49,142
Sam?
650
00:39:49,808 --> 00:39:52,558
- Did you enjoy the film?
- Yeah.
651
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:56,017
I've probably watched it about a
hundred, a hundred and fifty times.
652
00:39:56,058 --> 00:39:57,892
I've nearly worn out the disc.
653
00:39:58,142 --> 00:39:59,392
Well...
654
00:39:59,433 --> 00:40:01,600
Play it again, Sam.
655
00:40:03,100 --> 00:40:04,767
OK, I will.
656
00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:08,058
Could you make it out to
my wife? Her name's Dave.
657
00:40:09,933 --> 00:40:12,975
That was a misquote from Casablanca.
I don't know if I can look at you.
658
00:40:13,017 --> 00:40:15,933
- Yes, I can.
- My, a punter with a brain.
659
00:40:15,975 --> 00:40:19,225
- "It's my second favourite organ."
- Woody Allen's Sleeper.
660
00:40:19,267 --> 00:40:21,183
I knew it was a misquote, by the way.
661
00:40:21,475 --> 00:40:24,558
- Yeah. Sure. Of course you did.
- I did!
662
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,517
Well, as Oscar Wilde once said, "Whatever."
663
00:40:27,558 --> 00:40:30,975
I can't believe you've got us making
a porno for a bunch of gangsters.
664
00:40:31,017 --> 00:40:33,517
This is unbelievable,
even by your standards.
665
00:40:33,808 --> 00:40:35,600
What are you going to tell Baggy?
666
00:40:35,642 --> 00:40:39,683
You can't tell him, Lila. You know what
he's like. He'll freak out. He'll crumble.
667
00:40:39,725 --> 00:40:41,517
He's a stammering
wreck at the best of times.
668
00:40:41,558 --> 00:40:44,350
You're out of your mind,
Fiveways. It must be the heat.
669
00:40:44,392 --> 00:40:49,517
And you call yourself a film buff? You're
clearly insane. I should call security.
670
00:40:49,558 --> 00:40:53,100
I'm sorry. Mission To Moscow was
never as good as Citizens On Patrol.
671
00:40:53,142 --> 00:40:55,183
Miss Fiveways, the queue.
672
00:40:55,475 --> 00:40:56,975
Sorry. Duty calls.
673
00:40:58,558 --> 00:41:00,017
You want me to sign this?
674
00:41:00,058 --> 00:41:03,142
I want you to read it. I wrote it for you.
675
00:41:05,225 --> 00:41:07,975
Well, I'm on sabbatical.
676
00:41:08,017 --> 00:41:10,350
No porn films till next
year. Publisher's orders.
677
00:41:10,392 --> 00:41:12,267
Don't think of it as a porn film.
678
00:41:12,308 --> 00:41:15,017
Think of it as a film with
scenes of an adult nature.
679
00:41:16,767 --> 00:41:19,850
- Please, just read it, yeah?
- OK.
680
00:41:20,808 --> 00:41:22,142
Cheers.
681
00:41:23,767 --> 00:41:26,142
Hello. I came here from
Düsseldorf to see you.
682
00:41:27,392 --> 00:41:32,558
Please write as follows.
"To Rudi. Last night was unglaublich.
683
00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:35,100
You have the greatest balls in Germany."
684
00:41:35,683 --> 00:41:37,058
OK.
685
00:41:37,142 --> 00:41:41,225
Yes, I know. OK, I'm an
idiot, but I don't want to die.
686
00:41:41,267 --> 00:41:46,725
Just give them their money back. Forget the
whole thing. You've still got the money, right?
687
00:41:46,767 --> 00:41:49,017
- Right?
- What?
688
00:41:49,433 --> 00:41:51,392
You don't have the money, do you?
689
00:41:51,433 --> 00:41:53,392
The suit, the watch, the mobile.
690
00:41:53,683 --> 00:41:55,642
The blow-up doll I thought was an actress.
691
00:41:55,683 --> 00:41:58,225
- You're not taking this seriously.
- I am. I promise.
692
00:41:58,683 --> 00:42:01,683
- That's for lying to us.
- I'm sorry and I was wrong. Again.
693
00:42:01,725 --> 00:42:05,142
- For letting down your best friend.
- Deserves more than that. One more.
694
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:06,892
- One more.
- No.
695
00:42:06,933 --> 00:42:09,225
- You're enjoying it, you pervert!
- I am, yeah.
696
00:42:09,267 --> 00:42:11,267
- Dirty...
- Hi, guys. What's happening?
697
00:42:11,308 --> 00:42:13,725
- Hi, Baggy. We were just chatting.
- Chatting.
698
00:42:15,267 --> 00:42:18,183
Yeah, I spoke to Candy.
I gave her the script.
699
00:42:18,225 --> 00:42:19,767
You? Really?
700
00:42:19,808 --> 00:42:21,767
She's reading it. She's going to call us.
701
00:42:27,183 --> 00:42:29,225
That's it. She's not going to call.
702
00:42:29,267 --> 00:42:31,600
She hates the script.
We might as well give up.
703
00:42:31,642 --> 00:42:34,642
Well, on the plus side,
I've found us a new location.
704
00:42:34,683 --> 00:42:37,975
That's brilliant, Liles.
Great. What shall we use it for?
705
00:42:38,017 --> 00:42:41,767
A massive party? A bring-and-buy
sale? A charity sales-a-thon?
706
00:42:50,808 --> 00:42:52,308
Hello. Hi.
707
00:42:55,433 --> 00:42:57,975
Yeah. They're, they're called...
708
00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:01,808
- Big Bang Pictures.
- Big Bang Pictures of Soho.
709
00:43:02,433 --> 00:43:05,683
A high-end, professional
production outfit. OK. OK.
710
00:43:05,725 --> 00:43:08,308
Yeah, that sounds, that sounds reasonable.
711
00:43:08,350 --> 00:43:09,392
OK.
712
00:43:09,892 --> 00:43:11,350
Bye. Bye-bye.
713
00:43:11,808 --> 00:43:13,392
What happened?
714
00:43:13,433 --> 00:43:15,350
A busy day as a top
director is what happened.
715
00:43:15,392 --> 00:43:17,600
- What did she say?
- She read it.
716
00:43:17,642 --> 00:43:19,850
She likes it. She'll meet us tomorrow.
717
00:43:23,058 --> 00:43:26,017
Take the library books back
before nine or there's a surcharge.
718
00:43:26,058 --> 00:43:27,683
Don't forget Joe's trousers.
719
00:43:27,725 --> 00:43:31,183
Jeepers Creepers! It's 7:34.
Time to slip into gear, Valerie.
720
00:43:32,183 --> 00:43:34,392
Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.
721
00:43:35,058 --> 00:43:37,933
- Come on, love.
- Have a good day at college, darling.
722
00:43:41,600 --> 00:43:43,808
Have a great day.
723
00:43:52,017 --> 00:43:54,517
Morning, Liles. We can't
be late. Where are we going?
724
00:43:54,683 --> 00:43:56,892
Yes. Actually, I wanted
to talk to you about that.
725
00:43:57,475 --> 00:43:59,975
Morning, Bagster. You all right?
726
00:44:00,017 --> 00:44:01,642
All set for the big day?
727
00:44:01,725 --> 00:44:02,975
Cristi.
728
00:44:03,017 --> 00:44:05,017
- Looking good.
- Thank you.
729
00:44:05,058 --> 00:44:07,392
Liles, focus. Location.
Where are we going to go?
730
00:44:07,433 --> 00:44:09,017
Just try and keep an open mind.
731
00:44:12,933 --> 00:44:14,392
Hello, Joe.
732
00:44:14,767 --> 00:44:16,808
- It's here, innit?
- Hiya.
733
00:44:16,850 --> 00:44:18,350
No. No way. I'm not...
734
00:44:18,392 --> 00:44:22,767
No sets to build, no location fees. You can
set your watch by your parents' routine.
735
00:44:22,808 --> 00:44:24,142
They'll have no idea.
736
00:44:27,433 --> 00:44:28,850
I'm going to kill you.
737
00:45:00,267 --> 00:45:02,850
Joe, I need to talk to you. In private.
738
00:45:02,892 --> 00:45:04,725
- Can we go upstairs, please?
- Hold on.
739
00:45:04,767 --> 00:45:07,267
This could be the moment
we've been waiting for.
740
00:45:12,850 --> 00:45:16,892
I didn't sleep last night. Can we
discuss this? This is important.
741
00:45:17,392 --> 00:45:19,475
Fasten your seat belts, Bagster.
742
00:45:21,350 --> 00:45:22,975
The Fiveways has landed.
743
00:45:24,142 --> 00:45:25,767
Oh, my God.
744
00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:02,058
- Hi.
- Miss Fiveways, Joe Clarke, producer.
745
00:46:02,100 --> 00:46:03,642
Hi, Joe. Nice to meet you.
746
00:46:03,725 --> 00:46:05,517
Welcome.
747
00:46:06,683 --> 00:46:08,683
- Should we go in?
- Go inside?
748
00:46:09,183 --> 00:46:10,642
Thank you.
749
00:46:13,225 --> 00:46:16,142
Morning, Mr Rogers. Lovely day for it.
750
00:46:23,183 --> 00:46:24,225
So...
751
00:46:24,267 --> 00:46:26,558
this is Sound Stage 1.
752
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:28,433
It's compact, but it's efficient.
753
00:46:29,808 --> 00:46:32,600
Make-up's on the mezzanine level.
754
00:46:32,642 --> 00:46:35,142
- And these are two of our talented cast.
- Hi.
755
00:46:35,183 --> 00:46:38,183
- And catering's towards the rear.
- Hi.
756
00:46:38,225 --> 00:46:42,100
- Let me show you to the beverage counter.
- Baggy? Baggy, are you OK?
757
00:46:42,142 --> 00:46:45,100
No, I'm not. This whole
thing's not going to work.
758
00:46:45,142 --> 00:46:47,683
The character motivation
is not fully developed.
759
00:46:47,725 --> 00:46:51,517
The second act through-line is
weak. The subplots are underwritten.
760
00:46:51,558 --> 00:46:55,267
- Just calm down.
- I want this to stop. It's stopped.
761
00:46:55,308 --> 00:46:56,600
- Come on.
- The script...
762
00:46:56,642 --> 00:47:01,350
May I introduce you to three of the hottest
creative technicians in the business?
763
00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:05,017
This is Gabi, our sound
recordist. He's big news in Poland.
764
00:47:06,392 --> 00:47:10,558
This is Cristi, cinematographer.
He's award-winning, multi-talented.
765
00:47:10,850 --> 00:47:13,475
And this is Vlad, our lighting technician.
766
00:47:14,433 --> 00:47:17,350
- Sorry.
- Where's John?
767
00:47:17,392 --> 00:47:18,850
Baggy?
768
00:47:18,892 --> 00:47:20,517
He must be fine-tuning the script.
769
00:47:24,808 --> 00:47:27,017
Come on, Baggy, just relax.
770
00:47:27,058 --> 00:47:29,933
Sex is the most natural thing in the world.
771
00:47:29,975 --> 00:47:31,767
I'm trying, Lila. I just can't.
772
00:47:31,808 --> 00:47:34,392
- It's not hard, Baggy.
- I know. I know.
773
00:47:35,183 --> 00:47:37,892
Baggy, it isn't hard
and I know you can do it.
774
00:47:37,933 --> 00:47:40,517
I just feel so inadequate.
775
00:47:40,558 --> 00:47:43,183
- It's not hard.
- I know. I know. I'm sorry.
776
00:47:43,225 --> 00:47:44,475
Back in a sec.
777
00:47:44,517 --> 00:47:46,850
- Baggy, come on.
- I'm all out of juice.
778
00:47:46,892 --> 00:47:49,392
You just need to take yourself in hand.
779
00:47:53,558 --> 00:47:54,975
...say this is the way in...
780
00:47:59,308 --> 00:48:02,267
Baggs, you have got to snap out of it.
781
00:48:03,433 --> 00:48:06,808
How long have we wanted this?
There is an actress downstairs,
782
00:48:06,850 --> 00:48:09,725
who'll think we're the
biggest bunch of amateurs ever.
783
00:48:09,767 --> 00:48:12,808
She's going to walk any
second unless we do something.
784
00:48:12,850 --> 00:48:14,642
- Is there anything wrong?
- Candy.
785
00:48:15,308 --> 00:48:17,725
Hello. No. Just having a...
786
00:48:17,767 --> 00:48:20,642
- It's a budget meeting.
- Listen, we need to talk.
787
00:48:22,642 --> 00:48:25,558
I can see you've put a lot
into setting up this film.
788
00:48:26,725 --> 00:48:30,558
I mean, it's pretty impressive
for a bunch of film students
789
00:48:31,642 --> 00:48:35,350
working on a shoestring budget
with little or no experience.
790
00:48:35,558 --> 00:48:39,808
And it can't be easy shooting in your
parents' house while they're at work.
791
00:48:40,308 --> 00:48:45,183
But I'm here because this is a great
script that deserves to be made.
792
00:48:45,767 --> 00:48:51,100
So, I'd like for you all to leave now,
so that I can speak with my director.
793
00:48:51,475 --> 00:48:54,267
- That's first-night nerves. He'll be fine.
- Alone.
794
00:48:54,975 --> 00:48:57,058
We'll be outside.
795
00:49:07,100 --> 00:49:10,767
I'm sorry. I'm a failure.
"I give failures a bad name."
796
00:49:11,517 --> 00:49:14,683
It's time you stopped quoting
other people's films, John.
797
00:49:14,725 --> 00:49:17,183
And start quoting from The Love Storm.
798
00:49:17,225 --> 00:49:18,850
John, this is your big chance.
799
00:49:19,392 --> 00:49:21,308
You don't understand.
800
00:49:22,850 --> 00:49:27,100
You think Fellini never doubted himself?
You think Spielberg was never scared?
801
00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:30,975
We were all first-timers once,
Baggy, Fellini, Spielberg...
802
00:49:31,808 --> 00:49:34,600
- Micklewhite.
- Yeah.
803
00:49:34,642 --> 00:49:37,475
- Who?
- Alice Micklewhite.
804
00:49:37,517 --> 00:49:40,850
Bottom-of-the-class Alice,
pigtails-and-freckles Alice.
805
00:49:42,058 --> 00:49:42,850
Me.
806
00:49:44,767 --> 00:49:46,892
So where did "Candy Fiveways" come from?
807
00:49:48,142 --> 00:49:51,683
Haven't you ever played the
"what's your porn-star name" game?
808
00:49:52,058 --> 00:49:55,725
You take the name of your first
pet and the street you grew up on.
809
00:49:56,725 --> 00:49:58,725
Candy was this horrible cat,
810
00:49:58,767 --> 00:50:00,517
but I loved her.
811
00:50:01,683 --> 00:50:05,267
And I grew up on the corner of
this busy intersection, Fiveways.
812
00:50:05,308 --> 00:50:08,308
- "Candy Fiveways."
- So it is just a made-up name?
813
00:50:08,350 --> 00:50:11,808
There aren't really five ways?
814
00:50:14,808 --> 00:50:16,892
I've got so much to teach you.
815
00:50:23,392 --> 00:50:26,183
The Love Storm. Slate
one. Scene one. Take one.
816
00:50:27,558 --> 00:50:29,725
- Camera set.
- Action.
817
00:50:38,642 --> 00:50:40,975
Even the way she walks is sexy.
818
00:50:44,475 --> 00:50:47,017
Hello. Can I help you?
819
00:50:48,017 --> 00:50:50,142
I need someone to please undo these...
820
00:50:50,808 --> 00:50:52,475
Cut!
821
00:50:53,267 --> 00:50:55,892
Can we do that again
without the old guy, please?
822
00:50:55,933 --> 00:50:57,350
Take two.
823
00:50:58,683 --> 00:51:01,850
- OK. Camera set.
- Action.
824
00:51:07,892 --> 00:51:10,183
What do you think she
did to Baggy up there?
825
00:51:10,225 --> 00:51:13,350
By the looks of him, I'd
say she did all five ways.
826
00:51:14,350 --> 00:51:16,183
All five?
827
00:51:17,767 --> 00:51:19,850
"Hello. Can I help you?"
828
00:51:19,892 --> 00:51:21,892
I need someone to please help me.
829
00:51:23,933 --> 00:51:27,183
- But I, but I've never met...
- Cut!
830
00:51:27,267 --> 00:51:29,350
Lila, go and talk to our friend, please?
831
00:51:32,808 --> 00:51:35,392
Sorry, we're just trying
to make a film over there.
832
00:51:35,725 --> 00:51:37,142
Would you mind...?
833
00:51:37,767 --> 00:51:39,517
Action.
834
00:51:44,350 --> 00:51:45,725
Hello.
835
00:51:45,767 --> 00:51:48,767
- Can I help you?
- I need someone to please undo these.
836
00:51:48,808 --> 00:51:51,933
But this is the first time
I've met you in my entire life.
837
00:51:52,850 --> 00:51:54,808
But I need you.
838
00:51:55,683 --> 00:51:58,725
In that case, you'd better come inside.
839
00:52:02,767 --> 00:52:03,933
Cut! Fantastic.
840
00:52:05,600 --> 00:52:08,808
Thank you, sir. How much are these?
841
00:53:00,850 --> 00:53:05,142
Apparently, it was some kind of localised
power surge. The college wasn't affected.
842
00:53:05,183 --> 00:53:08,142
It'll be Mr Harper at No. 12
with his industrial strimmer.
843
00:53:08,183 --> 00:53:10,017
I know. I know. He's so selfish.
844
00:53:11,017 --> 00:53:12,600
Damn you, Mr Harper!
845
00:53:32,558 --> 00:53:34,433
That's mine!
846
00:53:35,142 --> 00:53:37,725
Miss Fiveways, sorry,
can I have a quick word?
847
00:53:39,058 --> 00:53:42,725
All things considered, I think you
know me well enough to call me Candy.
848
00:53:43,600 --> 00:53:45,725
Candy.
849
00:53:45,767 --> 00:53:46,975
I just wanted to...
850
00:53:47,017 --> 00:53:49,933
I just wanted to thank you for
"helping" Baggy the other day.
851
00:53:50,933 --> 00:53:52,933
- It's my pleasure.
- Was it?
852
00:53:54,058 --> 00:53:55,308
Was it?
853
00:53:55,350 --> 00:53:56,850
Because...
854
00:53:57,558 --> 00:54:01,600
you know, we all need a little
bit of help, once in a while.
855
00:54:08,433 --> 00:54:10,433
Thank God!
856
00:54:10,767 --> 00:54:13,642
You don't know how long I've
waited to hear you say that.
857
00:54:14,558 --> 00:54:16,308
Really?
858
00:54:17,100 --> 00:54:20,183
I really want you.
859
00:54:21,933 --> 00:54:23,183
This is...
860
00:54:23,475 --> 00:54:24,850
That is amazing!
861
00:54:25,475 --> 00:54:27,350
Go on, go on, teach me.
862
00:54:27,392 --> 00:54:29,517
Yeah, show me the fifth way.
863
00:54:37,517 --> 00:54:38,725
OK.
864
00:54:41,225 --> 00:54:44,183
So, Baggy, what am I supposed
to be feeling in this scene?
865
00:54:44,225 --> 00:54:47,308
When you come in, you should be
like, "Whoa, what's going on?"
866
00:54:47,350 --> 00:54:50,017
But don't say it. Do it with
your eyes, like, "Whoa."
867
00:54:52,142 --> 00:54:53,683
Joe?
868
00:54:55,975 --> 00:54:57,517
What are you doing?
869
00:54:57,683 --> 00:54:59,725
- Candy. I'm waiting for Candy.
- What?
870
00:55:02,308 --> 00:55:04,392
She's going to show me the fifth way.
871
00:55:04,433 --> 00:55:05,725
- Really?
- Yeah.
872
00:55:06,058 --> 00:55:09,142
She said I needed to be fully lubed up.
873
00:55:09,183 --> 00:55:12,308
I couldn't find any baby oil,
so I used a little bit of butter
874
00:55:12,350 --> 00:55:14,725
and she said that's even better, so...
875
00:55:15,100 --> 00:55:17,058
- Wow! You're a natural.
- Yeah.
876
00:55:17,850 --> 00:55:22,267
It's actually going to happen,
Liles. A film-star woman!
877
00:55:22,308 --> 00:55:23,475
Jessica Rabbit.
878
00:55:23,517 --> 00:55:27,058
Jessica Rabbit went home 20
minutes ago. She's done for the day.
879
00:55:28,517 --> 00:55:29,433
Pardon?
880
00:55:29,725 --> 00:55:32,475
Yeah. I think she's messing with you.
881
00:55:32,517 --> 00:55:35,308
No. No. Cos...
882
00:55:35,350 --> 00:55:37,433
She meant it. I could
tell. She was really...
883
00:55:37,475 --> 00:55:39,475
I don't know, she was sexy.
884
00:55:39,808 --> 00:55:41,392
She meant it.
885
00:55:41,433 --> 00:55:43,267
Well,
886
00:55:43,308 --> 00:55:47,517
seeing as we're alone
and you're all greased up,
887
00:55:48,517 --> 00:55:50,475
it seems a shame to let you go to waste.
888
00:55:52,183 --> 00:55:53,767
I want you.
889
00:55:54,975 --> 00:55:56,558
God, Joe, I want you.
890
00:55:58,017 --> 00:55:59,017
Really?
891
00:56:00,975 --> 00:56:03,600
No. Just messing with you.
892
00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:18,850
No, I've mentioned hoover bags,
893
00:56:19,183 --> 00:56:21,808
Yes. We need some more cleaning
tablets for the dishwasher.
894
00:56:23,183 --> 00:56:25,350
I'm sure we had a full
tub of this yesterday.
895
00:56:25,892 --> 00:56:26,975
Dad!
896
00:56:27,475 --> 00:56:28,517
It's...
897
00:56:28,558 --> 00:56:31,142
It's 7:34. Shouldn't you
be slipping into gear?
898
00:56:31,850 --> 00:56:34,100
"Mirror, signal, manoeuvre."
899
00:56:35,475 --> 00:56:38,892
Someone wants us out of the way so
they can get on with their special film.
900
00:56:40,850 --> 00:56:44,100
Yes. Your mother and I are very excited
about it. We can't wait to see it.
901
00:56:44,558 --> 00:56:46,308
You want to see it?
902
00:56:46,350 --> 00:56:49,975
Well, of course we want to see it.
It's your two-minute masterpiece, innit?
903
00:56:51,517 --> 00:56:55,225
We can't wait to see what you've
come up with for your college film.
904
00:56:56,142 --> 00:56:57,517
Shooting it today.
905
00:57:00,850 --> 00:57:05,225
OK, guys, this is going to be the
two-minute film short for Mr Dulberg.
906
00:57:05,267 --> 00:57:07,350
Take one.
907
00:57:12,850 --> 00:57:14,850
- Cut.
- Sorry. Sorry.
908
00:57:16,225 --> 00:57:18,725
- Yeah. Hello.
- One more week, then you deliver.
909
00:57:19,725 --> 00:57:22,475
OK, Mum. That's, that's not a problem.
910
00:57:23,183 --> 00:57:29,225
Well, if you don't, I'm going to find you and
then, if I find you, I'm going to kill you.
911
00:57:31,392 --> 00:57:32,808
That sounds great.
912
00:57:33,850 --> 00:57:37,517
- Looking forward to it. Can't wait.
- Yeah. I bet you can't.
913
00:57:39,058 --> 00:57:41,600
Baby. Sweetness.
914
00:57:42,975 --> 00:57:44,975
- See you soon.
- OK.
915
00:57:45,558 --> 00:57:47,100
Yeah, I'll see you soon.
916
00:57:48,475 --> 00:57:50,642
Love you.
917
00:57:50,683 --> 00:57:53,100
Yeah, I love you, too. All right.
918
00:57:53,142 --> 00:57:54,267
Bye. Bye.
919
00:57:59,600 --> 00:58:02,642
- Everything all right?
- It's fine. It's all fine.
920
00:58:02,683 --> 00:58:04,058
She's a super lady.
921
00:58:04,808 --> 00:58:06,433
- Turn it off.
- OK.
922
00:58:07,892 --> 00:58:08,558
Again.
923
00:58:11,683 --> 00:58:13,058
Candy, are you happy?
924
00:58:13,100 --> 00:58:14,933
Happy.
925
00:58:14,975 --> 00:58:16,808
Carl, are you ready?
926
00:58:16,850 --> 00:58:18,642
I was born ready.
927
00:58:24,267 --> 00:58:25,433
Wow.
928
00:58:28,642 --> 00:58:31,267
- Scene...
- Wait! Wait. Wait.
929
00:58:40,183 --> 00:58:42,058
Scene 23. Take one.
930
00:58:44,267 --> 00:58:46,767
And action.
931
00:58:48,100 --> 00:58:50,225
My wife thinks I should ask you to stay.
932
00:58:51,142 --> 00:58:54,267
- Are you going to?
- I haven't decided yet.
933
00:58:56,850 --> 00:59:00,350
- What do you think?
- Depends.
934
00:59:00,392 --> 00:59:02,058
How good are you with rejection?
935
00:59:21,933 --> 00:59:24,642
Lila, could we have some
Wet Wipes over here, please?
936
00:59:25,975 --> 00:59:27,058
Take two.
937
00:59:27,850 --> 00:59:29,558
Just a couple more minutes.
938
00:59:30,058 --> 00:59:31,017
Maybe.
939
00:59:32,892 --> 00:59:34,183
Take six.
940
00:59:34,683 --> 00:59:37,392
Come on, Carlito. Wake up, little man.
941
00:59:37,642 --> 00:59:38,892
Up. Rise.
942
00:59:40,933 --> 00:59:42,100
Take seven.
943
00:59:49,600 --> 00:59:51,975
Maybe this'll help.
944
00:59:56,308 --> 00:59:58,975
I don't even remember seeing
that on the props list.
945
00:59:59,017 --> 01:00:01,017
Joe, that's not one of our props.
946
01:00:01,058 --> 01:00:03,058
She just got that out of the drawer.
947
01:00:03,100 --> 01:00:04,683
What?
948
01:00:04,725 --> 01:00:07,600
Well, why would there be a
vibrator in my parents'...?
949
01:00:07,642 --> 01:00:09,642
God, no! No, no, no, no!
950
01:00:09,683 --> 01:00:11,350
Cut! Cut! Cut!
951
01:00:11,392 --> 01:00:13,017
That is disgusting!
952
01:00:17,767 --> 01:00:19,767
Hey, morning, Joe!
953
01:01:02,142 --> 01:01:03,725
It's delicious.
954
01:01:30,183 --> 01:01:34,767
- Are you sure it's all right?
- Three cancellations in one day, Val?
955
01:01:34,808 --> 01:01:39,058
I think somebody up there is ordering
us to take a little much-needed RandR.
956
01:01:39,767 --> 01:01:42,392
Stephen. You're a bad boy.
957
01:01:44,308 --> 01:01:45,892
104. Take three.
958
01:01:50,850 --> 01:01:53,350
And action.
959
01:01:53,975 --> 01:01:57,267
- Do you love him?
- How am I meant to know?
960
01:01:57,308 --> 01:01:59,392
You feel his breath on your neck,
961
01:02:00,517 --> 01:02:04,267
and your skin reaches for his touch.
962
01:02:05,308 --> 01:02:07,100
He brushes your arm
963
01:02:08,225 --> 01:02:11,017
and his fingerprint tingles for a minute.
964
01:02:13,017 --> 01:02:16,808
You can't close your
eyes without seeing him.
965
01:02:18,225 --> 01:02:20,933
But you wouldn't change a thing,
966
01:02:20,975 --> 01:02:23,850
because everything's brighter
than it was a week ago.
967
01:02:37,933 --> 01:02:40,975
Shit. Everybody, back door!
968
01:02:41,767 --> 01:02:43,017
I didn't agree to that.
969
01:02:43,767 --> 01:02:47,183
Don't cut. And, Candy, pick up
that line from... "and you churn".
970
01:02:47,225 --> 01:02:50,600
No! No! My parents are here.
Everyone, we have to go now.
971
01:02:50,642 --> 01:02:52,267
- Now!
- Ten seconds. Go.
972
01:03:02,100 --> 01:03:06,433
While we've got the house to ourselves, why
don't you give me some special driving lessons?
973
01:03:06,475 --> 01:03:08,975
You do need some help
with your parallel parking.
974
01:03:17,850 --> 01:03:19,392
Here, hold this.
975
01:03:19,892 --> 01:03:21,267
It tickles.
976
01:03:22,975 --> 01:03:26,267
Afternoon, Mr Rogers. Nice day for it.
977
01:03:29,017 --> 01:03:31,600
...everything's brighter
than it was a week ago.
978
01:03:34,183 --> 01:03:36,642
- We've got it. Cut.
- Go! Go! Go, go! Go, go, go!
979
01:03:36,683 --> 01:03:38,267
We're going!
980
01:03:51,808 --> 01:03:54,058
- Get out! Get out!
- Run! Run!
981
01:04:10,475 --> 01:04:14,808
- You're coming with me, Mrs Clarke.
- Meow, Mr Clarke!
982
01:04:17,850 --> 01:04:20,350
We need a little music.
983
01:04:20,392 --> 01:04:21,433
There.
984
01:04:26,183 --> 01:04:29,725
I think if I just undo
this little thing here,
985
01:04:29,767 --> 01:04:31,975
and take this down here.
986
01:04:37,975 --> 01:04:41,100
Hello, Joe. Why have your parents...?
987
01:04:53,600 --> 01:04:54,642
Stephen.
988
01:04:59,017 --> 01:05:01,225
Your whole family want
to be in the porn star.
989
01:05:02,725 --> 01:05:04,100
Doctor...
990
01:05:05,975 --> 01:05:07,975
- Doctor!
- Doctor?
991
01:05:09,933 --> 01:05:13,392
- I'm going to lick you like a stamp.
- That's right.
992
01:05:13,933 --> 01:05:17,683
- Give me your shirt.
- I'm going to flip you over like a pancake.
993
01:05:18,308 --> 01:05:20,350
Trousers, too. Trousers!
994
01:05:20,392 --> 01:05:22,058
We need to make a rope.
995
01:05:24,392 --> 01:05:26,975
Now, how about if I...
996
01:05:30,767 --> 01:05:32,142
Come on, help me.
997
01:05:32,183 --> 01:05:34,350
- No.
- Not even if I do this?
998
01:05:34,850 --> 01:05:37,225
Who's your driving instructor?
999
01:05:39,267 --> 01:05:43,225
- Who's your driving instructor?
- Hold that end. Hold it tight, OK?
1000
01:05:43,267 --> 01:05:45,433
You, Daddy! You!
1001
01:05:57,600 --> 01:05:59,808
Your mum is a dirty vixen!
1002
01:06:13,683 --> 01:06:17,183
It's no good. I can't wait
any longer. I'm bursting.
1003
01:06:17,225 --> 01:06:19,808
Hold it in. Do the breathing.
1004
01:06:22,225 --> 01:06:23,933
No, is no good. Is coming.
1005
01:06:23,975 --> 01:06:26,100
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.
1006
01:06:55,433 --> 01:06:57,100
Thank God.
1007
01:07:00,933 --> 01:07:02,183
Whoops.
1008
01:07:05,558 --> 01:07:08,433
Mum. We didn't hear you come home.
1009
01:07:12,308 --> 01:07:13,642
This is Vlad.
1010
01:07:13,683 --> 01:07:15,183
Plumber.
1011
01:07:15,225 --> 01:07:17,433
Just popped in to fix the toilet.
1012
01:07:19,600 --> 01:07:21,225
I didn't know it was broken.
1013
01:07:21,558 --> 01:07:24,683
It's not any more. He's
a very good plumber.
1014
01:07:27,725 --> 01:07:29,475
- Do you want me to show you out?
- Yes.
1015
01:07:29,517 --> 01:07:31,600
- OK, it's just this way.
- Thank you.
1016
01:07:35,183 --> 01:07:36,767
Dad, Vlad. Vlad, Dad.
1017
01:07:40,475 --> 01:07:42,892
Ladies and gentlemen, The Love Storm.
1018
01:07:42,933 --> 01:07:44,933
The Love Storm!
1019
01:07:44,975 --> 01:07:46,725
Joe, wrong one.
1020
01:07:46,767 --> 01:07:48,642
No, it's not that. That is...
1021
01:07:48,683 --> 01:07:50,517
That's the second-best film ever made.
1022
01:07:50,558 --> 01:07:52,975
That's two minutes of
teacher-pleasing magic.
1023
01:07:53,017 --> 01:07:59,225
But this, this is, without doubt,
the most intelligent, moving,
1024
01:07:59,267 --> 01:08:02,892
and downright-horny little adult
film that Lila has ever seen.
1025
01:08:02,933 --> 01:08:06,142
That's saying something, because
she's a dirty little monkey.
1026
01:08:06,433 --> 01:08:11,808
So, here's to you guys, the wonderful
cast and crew of The Love Storm.
1027
01:08:11,850 --> 01:08:14,975
- Thanks, everybody.
- The Love Storm!
1028
01:08:15,017 --> 01:08:16,350
The Love Storm.
1029
01:08:17,100 --> 01:08:20,058
- Candy, I want to tell you that I...
- I know.
1030
01:08:28,183 --> 01:08:32,725
Greetings, fellow pornographers. We
having a party, are we? Very nice.
1031
01:08:32,767 --> 01:08:36,725
- What the hell are you doing here?
- It's been a long time.
1032
01:08:36,767 --> 01:08:39,600
Honestly, woman, you don't
phone, you don't write.
1033
01:08:39,642 --> 01:08:42,058
I don't know what's going on here, but...
1034
01:08:42,100 --> 01:08:45,350
- What is going on here?
- All right, Van Damme, calm down.
1035
01:08:45,392 --> 01:08:48,642
What? A new admirer, is
it? Yeah, he's very cute.
1036
01:08:48,683 --> 01:08:50,767
Can't I have a drink with my leading lady?
1037
01:08:50,808 --> 01:08:53,517
Wishful thinking, but my
agent already told you.
1038
01:08:53,558 --> 01:08:57,267
- I don't work for low-rent pimps like you.
- But, sweetheart, you just did.
1039
01:08:58,975 --> 01:09:02,558
Joe, what a pickle we've caused
with our little deception.
1040
01:09:02,600 --> 01:09:06,725
- Joe, what?
- You bastard. I trusted you.
1041
01:09:10,183 --> 01:09:12,058
I trusted you.
1042
01:09:15,392 --> 01:09:17,142
Time of the month, is it?
1043
01:09:18,183 --> 01:09:21,058
Lads? Yes? No?
1044
01:09:22,225 --> 01:09:24,308
Suit yourselves.
1045
01:09:24,350 --> 01:09:26,517
Now...
1046
01:09:26,558 --> 01:09:30,392
- Where's my film?
- No way. We had a deal, silent partners.
1047
01:09:31,308 --> 01:09:35,683
- This is our film. This is Baggy's film.
- We've got a contract and it's my film.
1048
01:09:35,725 --> 01:09:37,058
There you go. Take it.
1049
01:09:37,100 --> 01:09:39,100
Baggy, what?
1050
01:09:39,142 --> 01:09:41,725
It's over, Joe. Forget
it. This is all bullshit.
1051
01:09:41,767 --> 01:09:43,683
- Good luck with the screening.
- But...
1052
01:09:45,225 --> 01:09:47,225
Trouble in paradise?
1053
01:09:47,267 --> 01:09:49,058
You know what, Joe?
1054
01:09:49,517 --> 01:09:51,850
You remind me of me when I was your age.
1055
01:09:51,892 --> 01:09:55,975
Except I didn't make so many cock-ups
and I was a little better-looking.
1056
01:09:56,017 --> 01:09:57,350
And I wasn't such a twat.
1057
01:10:03,183 --> 01:10:04,808
Is yours on soon?
1058
01:10:05,600 --> 01:10:08,058
- Where's Baggy?
- I don't know. I haven't seen him.
1059
01:10:08,392 --> 01:10:11,767
Yeah, big up Diego Meriachi.
Where are you, buddy?
1060
01:10:11,808 --> 01:10:14,850
There he is. Respect is
due, brother. Radical stuff.
1061
01:10:14,892 --> 01:10:19,392
OK, next up, and a
highly-anticipated collaboration.
1062
01:10:19,433 --> 01:10:20,892
John Bagley and Joe Clarke.
1063
01:10:20,933 --> 01:10:23,433
This one has been shrouded in mystery,
1064
01:10:23,475 --> 01:10:27,267
so I guess we're looking at
a world premiere, here, folks.
1065
01:10:27,725 --> 01:10:33,100
What do you say we kick back and enjoy
Uncovering The Language Of A Visual Event.
1066
01:10:37,975 --> 01:10:40,142
- Baggy!
- Joe, I had to come and speak to you.
1067
01:10:40,183 --> 01:10:44,225
No, I know. It's been tough.
Doug, Candy, Lila, it's my fault.
1068
01:10:44,267 --> 01:10:47,100
I switched the films. I had
to see it on a big screen.
1069
01:10:48,350 --> 01:10:50,475
- What?
- Yeah.
1070
01:11:07,267 --> 01:11:08,725
That looks like our house.
1071
01:11:10,475 --> 01:11:12,808
It is our house! Joe didn't
tell us he was using...
1072
01:11:15,600 --> 01:11:18,017
Hello. Can I help you?
1073
01:11:18,058 --> 01:11:21,558
I need someone to please
undo these. Please let me in.
1074
01:11:21,600 --> 01:11:25,433
The sound isn't very good, but picture
quality is better than I expected.
1075
01:11:28,767 --> 01:11:31,642
I think you're going to
be impressed, Mr De Vere.
1076
01:11:31,683 --> 01:11:33,850
It's different from our usual product.
1077
01:11:33,892 --> 01:11:36,808
It's got heart. It's got soul.
1078
01:11:36,850 --> 01:11:41,225
It's got a pile of hard-earned cash
resting on it, so shut up and put it on.
1079
01:12:10,350 --> 01:12:12,433
You're a dead man.
1080
01:12:14,517 --> 01:12:16,058
Maybe this'll help.
1081
01:12:20,225 --> 01:12:21,392
Bend over.
1082
01:12:39,933 --> 01:12:42,975
- Oi! Where's my porno?
- Doug.
1083
01:12:48,558 --> 01:12:50,017
No way!
1084
01:12:50,058 --> 01:12:52,475
- Holy shit!
- Will you shut up?
1085
01:12:52,517 --> 01:12:55,475
- Not bad.
- You're not wrong there, Robby.
1086
01:13:13,808 --> 01:13:15,600
What was she doing with that pear?
1087
01:13:25,183 --> 01:13:29,933
- Joe, Joe, congratulations. What a premiere!
- Joe, could we have a word?
1088
01:13:29,975 --> 01:13:33,100
- Joe, what...
- Good, Mr Clarke, a quick chat.
1089
01:13:33,142 --> 01:13:34,850
Mr Dulberg, I think we need to talk.
1090
01:13:34,892 --> 01:13:37,225
Excuse me. I'd like a word with Joe's...
1091
01:13:37,267 --> 01:13:38,517
- Teacher.
- Dad.
1092
01:13:38,558 --> 01:13:40,225
- I'm Joe's teacher.
- I'm Joe's dad.
1093
01:13:40,267 --> 01:13:42,142
- This is Joe's dad.
- This is Joe's teacher.
1094
01:13:42,183 --> 01:13:43,892
- Mr Clarke?
- Mr Dulberg?
1095
01:13:43,933 --> 01:13:45,558
Who is this man?
1096
01:13:45,600 --> 01:13:48,100
Listen, I am telling
you, I am Joe's father.
1097
01:13:48,975 --> 01:13:51,933
I did come here with the
express purpose of killing you,
1098
01:13:51,975 --> 01:13:55,725
but, seeing as you produced a
work of such outstanding quality,
1099
01:13:55,767 --> 01:14:00,475
and I'll probably have to stand in line for
the privilege, I'm going to leave you to it.
1100
01:14:00,517 --> 01:14:03,225
But Mr Dulberg came to my house.
1101
01:14:03,267 --> 01:14:06,267
Rewind. I've never been
to your house in my life.
1102
01:14:07,225 --> 01:14:07,975
Right.
1103
01:14:08,017 --> 01:14:10,975
- How dare you use our house...
- You think you're pretty clever.
1104
01:14:13,517 --> 01:14:15,558
- She's talking about Florida.
- Stephen.
1105
01:14:18,100 --> 01:14:21,433
You, the pair of you, can
forget about your diplomas.
1106
01:14:21,475 --> 01:14:24,058
You can forget about coming
back to class. That...
1107
01:14:24,100 --> 01:14:26,350
That was totally uncool, guys.
1108
01:14:31,975 --> 01:14:34,350
It's good. It's really very good.
1109
01:14:35,517 --> 01:14:38,642
And you made this yourself?
You're a dark horse, Douglas.
1110
01:14:38,683 --> 01:14:41,183
I think we might be in the
running for a Golden Cockerel.
1111
01:14:41,225 --> 01:14:44,225
A Cock? What, for me?
1112
01:14:44,267 --> 01:14:45,767
I mean, for us?
1113
01:14:45,808 --> 01:14:47,392
And the winners are...
1114
01:14:47,433 --> 01:14:50,392
Michael De Vere and Douglas Perry.
1115
01:14:50,808 --> 01:14:53,767
You keep this up, Doug, and I
might actually start to like you.
1116
01:14:58,808 --> 01:15:00,892
It's my best work.
1117
01:15:10,475 --> 01:15:13,017
- You made a great film.
- For a bunch of gangsters.
1118
01:15:13,058 --> 01:15:16,433
You humiliated me. I've lost
Candy. I got thrown out of college.
1119
01:15:18,142 --> 01:15:21,767
Bags, who cares about
college? We made a movie!
1120
01:15:21,808 --> 01:15:23,308
You don't know how lucky you are.
1121
01:15:23,350 --> 01:15:26,350
You were born with talent.
I'd kill for an ounce of it.
1122
01:15:27,642 --> 01:15:30,017
Listen, Baggy, I've been thinking.
1123
01:15:30,058 --> 01:15:32,058
We should start a new film.
1124
01:15:32,642 --> 01:15:34,767
I'll get the money, from
a safe place this time.
1125
01:15:34,808 --> 01:15:38,100
- We'll call up Candy and...
- Stop, Joe. Just stop. Please.
1126
01:15:39,725 --> 01:15:41,767
Look at me. I'm John
Bagley from Leatherhead.
1127
01:15:41,808 --> 01:15:43,517
We had an excellent adventure,
1128
01:15:43,558 --> 01:15:46,683
more than some people have in a
whole lifetime, but it wasn't real.
1129
01:15:47,683 --> 01:15:51,350
- I'm not talented. They hated it.
- They didn't hate it.
1130
01:15:51,392 --> 01:15:53,100
- Leave me alone.
- They were shocked,
1131
01:15:53,142 --> 01:15:56,808
because it was a dirty movie.
But it was a great dirty movie!
1132
01:15:56,850 --> 01:15:58,850
You got it right! Bags!
1133
01:16:15,433 --> 01:16:17,267
She would not sink with those, huh?
1134
01:16:22,350 --> 01:16:23,600
Wow!
1135
01:16:25,267 --> 01:16:27,475
- It's The Love Storm!
- The Love Storm!
1136
01:16:28,142 --> 01:16:29,475
We'd better tell Joe.
1137
01:16:29,517 --> 01:16:30,850
- Go and tell Joe.
- Quick.
1138
01:16:42,392 --> 01:16:44,475
We too would like to speak
with Joe, please. Now.
1139
01:16:44,850 --> 01:16:47,267
- I'm sorry?
- The bad man want Joe's Cock.
1140
01:16:47,308 --> 01:16:48,892
What did you say?
1141
01:16:49,225 --> 01:16:51,808
The bad man, OK, he want
1142
01:16:52,558 --> 01:16:53,850
Joe's, Joe's Cock.
1143
01:16:53,892 --> 01:16:56,308
No. No, no, no. You saying it wrong.
1144
01:16:56,600 --> 01:16:58,350
Let me explain it, please.
1145
01:16:58,975 --> 01:17:00,850
Your son, Joe,
1146
01:17:00,892 --> 01:17:03,267
all his life, he dream of Cock.
1147
01:17:03,308 --> 01:17:04,892
He talk about it all of the time.
1148
01:17:04,933 --> 01:17:08,225
- "Cock, Cock, Cock. I want Cock."
- "I have to have Cock all to myself."
1149
01:17:08,267 --> 01:17:11,725
But the bad man, he want Joe's Cock.
1150
01:17:12,350 --> 01:17:15,933
And he is taking Joe's Cock tonight.
1151
01:17:18,017 --> 01:17:19,475
Joe! Come here!
1152
01:17:20,225 --> 01:17:23,058
His mother and I, we've always
had a bad feeling about all this.
1153
01:17:25,683 --> 01:17:27,725
- What's going on?
- For you.
1154
01:17:31,475 --> 01:17:33,433
Best film nomination: The Love Storm.
1155
01:17:33,725 --> 01:17:36,142
Directed by Doug Perry.
Produced by Michael De Vere.
1156
01:17:36,225 --> 01:17:39,725
- He's a bastard.
- More of this stuff, Joe? Why?
1157
01:17:39,767 --> 01:17:42,392
Look, Dad, listen, it's fine.
I'll bin it. Don't worry.
1158
01:17:42,433 --> 01:17:47,308
No. Hold on, hold on. I mean, much as
I keenly disapprove of what you did,
1159
01:17:47,350 --> 01:17:50,850
I have to admit that your
film did have a certain...
1160
01:17:55,225 --> 01:17:57,267
Yeah, it did, didn't it?
1161
01:17:57,308 --> 01:17:59,767
Now, you know I'm not a
fan of this kind of thing,
1162
01:17:59,808 --> 01:18:03,017
but it seems to me, you have to get
up to London and reclaim your film.
1163
01:18:03,808 --> 01:18:06,475
Here. Take the Mondeo.
1164
01:18:10,975 --> 01:18:13,683
Guys, I'm going to need you. OK?
1165
01:18:15,725 --> 01:18:16,975
Thank you.
1166
01:18:24,350 --> 01:18:26,392
Lila, I really need your help.
1167
01:18:26,433 --> 01:18:28,933
Do you know what? Forget
that. Baggy needs your help.
1168
01:18:28,975 --> 01:18:32,767
- I've told you already. I'm not interested.
- He say that you would said this.
1169
01:18:32,808 --> 01:18:37,433
And he said he have a special message for you
that it is all set and he have this big plan.
1170
01:18:37,475 --> 01:18:39,475
Yeah, yeah. I love his big plans.
1171
01:18:39,517 --> 01:18:40,892
Love his big plans.
1172
01:18:40,933 --> 01:18:42,933
We can have the Cock. Mr Baggy!
1173
01:18:43,933 --> 01:18:46,017
- Baggy!
- Baggy!
1174
01:19:01,142 --> 01:19:05,433
It's great to see you. All right? We'll
speak soon. Personally, I love the jacket.
1175
01:19:17,267 --> 01:19:18,683
Amazing.
1176
01:19:19,017 --> 01:19:21,267
- Hi, Joe.
- You look fantastic.
1177
01:19:21,308 --> 01:19:23,267
Where's Baggy? Why isn't he here yet?
1178
01:19:23,308 --> 01:19:24,892
- Joe! Joe!
- Lila.
1179
01:19:24,933 --> 01:19:26,392
Lila!
1180
01:19:26,433 --> 01:19:28,433
He not make it.
1181
01:19:28,475 --> 01:19:30,642
I'm sorry, Lila, but we fail.
1182
01:19:31,642 --> 01:19:33,225
Baggy, he say, no.
1183
01:19:33,267 --> 01:19:35,142
He not want Joe's Cock.
1184
01:19:35,183 --> 01:19:38,392
You don't understand, Vlad. This
is for him. We're here for him.
1185
01:19:38,433 --> 01:19:41,350
It's my fault, all of this.
1186
01:19:41,392 --> 01:19:43,892
I'm going to make it right.
1187
01:19:43,933 --> 01:19:45,517
Right now.
1188
01:19:46,933 --> 01:19:48,558
Candy! Candy! Candy!
1189
01:19:49,808 --> 01:19:51,850
- Hey.
- What do you want?
1190
01:19:51,892 --> 01:19:54,100
- Leave me alone.
- Please, hear me out.
1191
01:19:54,142 --> 01:19:56,767
I'm sorry for what happened.
I shouldn't have lied to you.
1192
01:19:56,808 --> 01:20:00,142
Well, if you're here to pick
up an award, you're out of luck.
1193
01:20:00,183 --> 01:20:01,683
Looks like you got screwed, too.
1194
01:20:01,725 --> 01:20:05,350
I don't care about the awards,
Candy. I'm here because of Baggy.
1195
01:20:05,392 --> 01:20:08,600
I had to let you know. He didn't
know anything about Doug Perry.
1196
01:20:09,350 --> 01:20:14,767
I lied to him too. I'm not asking you to
forgive me, but you have to forgive him.
1197
01:20:15,808 --> 01:20:19,308
Look, I was an idiot for getting
involved with you guys in the first place.
1198
01:20:19,350 --> 01:20:22,600
You're just kids. We're
from different worlds.
1199
01:20:27,225 --> 01:20:28,850
Ladies and gentlemen,
1200
01:20:28,892 --> 01:20:32,600
welcome to the Fifteenth
annual Golden Cockerel Awards.
1201
01:20:32,642 --> 01:20:37,683
The ultimate recognition of achievement
in adult-orientated entertainment.
1202
01:20:37,725 --> 01:20:41,308
So, please take your seats
and I'd watch where you sit,
1203
01:20:41,350 --> 01:20:45,058
as we honour this year's
outstanding individuals.
1204
01:20:47,933 --> 01:20:53,725
So, saw The Love Storm. Got to
say, I loved it, very impressed.
1205
01:20:53,767 --> 01:20:56,850
Watched it beginning to
end. I'm a little sore.
1206
01:20:56,892 --> 01:20:59,850
Yeah, well, it's a porno.
It's not proper filmmaking.
1207
01:20:59,892 --> 01:21:03,308
You made a great film. What's wrong
with getting your start in erotica?
1208
01:21:03,350 --> 01:21:05,350
My customers think it's a masterpiece.
1209
01:21:06,475 --> 01:21:09,683
I'm serious. They love
it. Can't get enough.
1210
01:21:09,725 --> 01:21:13,058
The story, the characters,
the classic denouement
1211
01:21:13,100 --> 01:21:16,058
and there are some very good dirty bits.
1212
01:21:16,267 --> 01:21:19,350
You know what they say, sex is
only dirty if you're doing it right.
1213
01:21:33,017 --> 01:21:35,683
Presenting our Best
Film Award this evening,
1214
01:21:35,725 --> 01:21:39,642
please welcome on stage
the divine, the delightful,
1215
01:21:39,683 --> 01:21:42,683
the delicious Miss Candy Fiveways!
1216
01:21:50,475 --> 01:21:53,350
Thank you, everyone,
and thank you for coming.
1217
01:21:53,392 --> 01:21:55,975
It's an honour to be here with you tonight.
1218
01:21:56,433 --> 01:21:59,683
The nominees for best film are:
1219
01:22:00,642 --> 01:22:03,225
We All Know Who You Did Last Summer.
1220
01:22:04,767 --> 01:22:06,767
There's Something Up Mary.
1221
01:22:08,392 --> 01:22:10,475
Ram Raiders Of The Lost Park.
1222
01:22:12,183 --> 01:22:13,642
And...
1223
01:22:13,683 --> 01:22:15,017
The Love Storm.
1224
01:22:15,058 --> 01:22:16,683
Yes.
1225
01:22:17,433 --> 01:22:18,808
Yes!
1226
01:22:19,392 --> 01:22:21,058
And the winner is...
1227
01:22:27,100 --> 01:22:30,600
- The Love Storm.
- Yes!
1228
01:22:31,850 --> 01:22:32,892
Yes!
1229
01:22:51,808 --> 01:22:55,183
Produced by Joe Clarke and
directed by John Bagley.
1230
01:23:12,517 --> 01:23:16,433
Congratulations to the real
team behind The Love Storm!
1231
01:23:27,975 --> 01:23:29,683
Thank you, everyone.
1232
01:23:30,392 --> 01:23:31,892
Thank you.
1233
01:23:36,392 --> 01:23:37,642
This is a...
1234
01:23:37,683 --> 01:23:39,558
This is a fantastic award.
1235
01:23:39,600 --> 01:23:40,808
It's a really...
1236
01:23:40,850 --> 01:23:43,142
It's a really chunky prize.
1237
01:23:43,183 --> 01:23:44,558
But...
1238
01:23:44,600 --> 01:23:48,850
It belongs to someone who can't
be with us tonight, unfortunately.
1239
01:23:48,892 --> 01:23:51,975
But, nevertheless, this
stands as real, concrete,
1240
01:23:52,017 --> 01:23:54,725
undeniable proof of the
talent behind the camera.
1241
01:23:55,142 --> 01:23:56,600
And that's a guy...
1242
01:24:00,392 --> 01:24:02,100
And that's a guy called John Bagley.
1243
01:24:04,642 --> 01:24:06,725
Please, you're embarrassing me.
1244
01:24:07,058 --> 01:24:10,892
Sorry I couldn't be here in person
to accept this award, but, thank you.
1245
01:24:10,975 --> 01:24:15,058
Making this film has been
an unbelievable experience.
1246
01:24:15,100 --> 01:24:18,100
I've learnt so much. I've
seen some amazing things.
1247
01:24:18,142 --> 01:24:20,892
One horrific thing, but
I won't go into that now.
1248
01:24:20,933 --> 01:24:23,600
Thank goodness for Wet Wipes.
That's all I'm going to say.
1249
01:24:23,642 --> 01:24:28,642
I'd like to thank the cast and crew and
most of all, my best mate, Joe Clarke,
1250
01:24:28,683 --> 01:24:31,100
for making me do shit I don't want to do.
1251
01:24:32,517 --> 01:24:34,100
God bless erotica!
1252
01:27:35,058 --> 01:27:36,725
Go, guitar, go!
1253
01:27:42,642 --> 01:27:44,058
Come on, now!
100454