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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,067 --> 00:00:03,135 [Ted Narrating] Kids, for years your Uncle Barney... 2 00:00:03,136 --> 00:00:05,838 had reveled in mocking Aunt Robin 's heritage. 3 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:10,175 To have to grow up in Canada- with America right there. 4 00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:12,645 It's like an entire country without a tailor. 5 00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:16,480 Why? Why do we let you be a country? 6 00:00:16,549 --> 00:00:18,884 But all that was about to change. 7 00:00:18,885 --> 00:00:22,021 Guys, I have a very important announcement to make. 8 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:25,958 - I was on Facebook- - Nobody cool is on Facebook anymore. 9 00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:29,395 Well, you know who is on Facebook now? Everybody's parents. 10 00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:31,964 And, um, I just happen to be friends... 11 00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:35,034 with Barney's long-lost father- Mr. Jerome Whitaker. 12 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,202 - Me too. - He's gotten really good at Bejeweled Blitz. 13 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:40,940 And guess who thought my status update about Manitoba... 14 00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:42,942 was so interesting... 15 00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:46,445 because his mother was born in Manitoba. 16 00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:49,973 - What? - Which means your grandmother- 17 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,084 - No. - Which makes you- 18 00:00:52,085 --> 00:00:54,386 - Don't say it! - one-quarter Canadian! 19 00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,721 ## ["O Canada"] 20 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:59,892 - [All Laughing] - Welcome to the tribe, hoser. 21 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:03,124 No. It's not true. 22 00:01:03,196 --> 00:01:05,696 That's impossible! 23 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:09,066 [Moans] 24 00:01:09,302 --> 00:01:11,802 ## [Upbeat Pop] 25 00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:15,873 ## [Man Vocalizing] 26 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,414 ## [Ends] 27 00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:25,150 [Ted Narrating] Once upon a time at a Halloween party... 28 00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:28,921 I met a girl dressed like a pumpkin- a slutty pumpkin- 29 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,789 and she was extraordinary. 30 00:01:30,790 --> 00:01:32,825 But she gave me her number on a Kit Kat bar... 31 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:35,794 which was tragically given away as Halloween candy. 32 00:01:35,795 --> 00:01:39,164 So every year, I return to that same party hoping I'd see her again. 33 00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:42,468 But with every passing October, that hope grew a little dimmer. 34 00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:46,409 Then one day, after 10 years of searching- 35 00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:48,440 Oh, my God. 36 00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:50,709 [Whispering] The slutty pumpkin. 37 00:01:50,710 --> 00:01:52,444 This might sound creepy... 38 00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:55,114 but do you have a record of who rented it in 2001? 39 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,615 Hmm. 40 00:01:57,817 --> 00:01:59,685 Wow. That was easy. 41 00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:02,621 You're not the first lovelorn young man to walk through that door. 42 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:04,790 Three girls got proposals... 43 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:07,092 off my wife's slutty artichoke costume. 44 00:02:07,093 --> 00:02:11,296 Two others disappeared, but I focus on the positive. 45 00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:14,533 I couldn't believe it. I actually had her address. 46 00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:16,201 I knew I had to play this right. 47 00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:21,592 It's not like I could just walk up and knock on her door. 48 00:02:23,576 --> 00:02:26,812 Hi. Uh, you probably don't remember me, but- 49 00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:30,010 Halloween, 10 years ago. 50 00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:32,583 Now that's a slow play. 51 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:36,088 The next day, Lily and Marshall headed out... 52 00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:38,123 to Lily's grandparents' for dinner. 53 00:02:38,124 --> 00:02:40,025 Marshall loved it out in the burbs. 54 00:02:40,026 --> 00:02:41,727 Look how many fireflies I caught! 55 00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:45,664 Don't forget to poke holes in the jar this time. 56 00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:48,995 Now we have a nice surprise for you. 57 00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:52,104 Whatever it is, we're saying no. 58 00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:54,306 - What? - You know what. 59 00:02:54,307 --> 00:02:56,408 Every time we're here, my grandparents stick us... 60 00:02:56,409 --> 00:02:59,011 with some big old piece of junk they're getting rid of. 61 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:02,181 It's like the world's worst Showcase Showdown. 62 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,049 It's a perfectly usable... 63 00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:07,042 - lawn mower! - [Laughing] 64 00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:09,455 We live in an apartment. 65 00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,457 Well, but maybe someday, when we move to the suburbs- 66 00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,792 We're never moving to the suburbs. 67 00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:16,795 And you also get... this skinny microphone! 68 00:03:16,796 --> 00:03:19,296 Oh! 69 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:22,034 Before we head out to our place in Florida... 70 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,670 we wanted to give our favorite granddaughter... 71 00:03:24,671 --> 00:03:26,238 a little something. 72 00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:28,006 - Oh! - Ooh, it's so small. 73 00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:30,507 I love it! 74 00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:34,213 - A key? - We're giving you the house. 75 00:03:34,447 --> 00:03:36,715 Lily, I know you've always hated the suburbs, but- 76 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,216 We'll take it! 77 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,820 [Ted Narrating] For my first date with the slutty pumpkin... 78 00:03:41,821 --> 00:03:43,589 I took her someplace special. 79 00:03:43,590 --> 00:03:45,824 Ted, this is so romantic- 80 00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:49,228 - the spot where we first met 10 years ago. - Mmm. 81 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,330 Do you remember the song that was playing that night? 82 00:03:51,331 --> 00:03:54,133 I remember how beautiful you looked. 83 00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:56,902 # It's been one week since you looked at me # 84 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,738 # Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry" # 85 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:01,740 Wow. Is that, uh- The Barenaked Ladies, huh? 86 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,308 # Five days since you laughed at me # 87 00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:06,145 # Saying, "Get that together Come back and see me" ## 88 00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:09,781 [Ted Narrating] Kids, it took me 10 years, but I finally kissed her... 89 00:04:09,782 --> 00:04:13,240 and it was... terrible. 90 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,161 Lily, you hate the suburbs. 91 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:24,663 I know, but my grandparents giving us a house... 92 00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:26,231 right when the baby's on the way? 93 00:04:26,232 --> 00:04:28,500 - It's perfect timing. - This is great. 94 00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:31,170 I'm finally gonna be able to barbecue with proper ventilation. 95 00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:32,871 [Smoke Alarm Beeping] 96 00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:35,652 Marshall! Oh, my God. Marshall. 97 00:04:35,708 --> 00:04:38,977 - We're moving to the suburbs, baby! - Aw. 98 00:04:38,978 --> 00:04:41,478 - Be right back. - Okay. 99 00:04:41,514 --> 00:04:44,349 - Baby, you're not moving to the suburbs. - Why not? 100 00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:47,519 Lily is only agreeing to all this because of pregnancy brain. 101 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,555 Pregnancy brain? That's not a thing. 102 00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:51,490 It's totally a thing. 103 00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:55,427 Her brain is marinating in a cocktail of hormones... 104 00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:57,963 mood swings and jacked-up nesting instincts. 105 00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:03,068 I mean, yes, right now, Lily is a goddess bestowing the miracle of life... 106 00:05:03,069 --> 00:05:05,569 but damn, she dumb. 107 00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:08,905 Well, I have noticed some stuff. 108 00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:12,744 I can't find my keys or wallet anywhere! 109 00:05:12,745 --> 00:05:16,025 I found them... here in the freezer. 110 00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:18,250 Hey, where are the ice cube trays? 111 00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:20,751 No idea. 112 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,413 Those poor ice cubes! 113 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,158 [Sobbing] 114 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:29,561 - I guess she has been a little off lately. - A little? 115 00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:34,032 She just texted me wanting directions back from the bathroom. 116 00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,831 Oh. We're over here. 117 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,205 You're doing great, sweetie. 118 00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:43,141 That moron should not be making big life decisions right now. 119 00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:44,910 If you let her move to the suburbs... 120 00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:48,247 it would be like taking advantage of a helpless, drunk chick. 121 00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:49,815 What? Where? 122 00:05:49,816 --> 00:05:53,206 [Groans] I got a girlfriend. Right. 123 00:05:54,954 --> 00:05:57,222 Baby, we should put off moving. 124 00:05:57,223 --> 00:06:01,126 - Why? - Because I think the pregnancy is affecting your judgment. 125 00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:02,694 No! 126 00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:05,097 Marshall, this is an amazing opportunity... 127 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,032 that we have to take advantage of. 128 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:10,469 I mean, just because my body is growing a fungus- 129 00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:13,238 - Fetus. - doesn't mean my metal factories- 130 00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:17,479 - Mental faculties. - are in any way funicular. 131 00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:20,944 No idea. 132 00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:24,483 Mm-mmm. [Slurping] 133 00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:26,218 This is nice. What is this? 134 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,719 Canadian whiskey. 135 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,724 I want scotch... 136 00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:34,626 American scotch... 137 00:06:34,627 --> 00:06:36,228 from Scotland! 138 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,530 Get-Get that swill away from me. 139 00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:41,031 [Hissing] 140 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,002 Why are you doing this to me? 141 00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:45,904 You have been rippin' on Canada... 142 00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:48,874 since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower... 143 00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:50,876 so now this Canuck's gonna beat on you... 144 00:06:50,877 --> 00:06:55,580 Iike the drummer from Yukon Blonde hopped up on Timbits. 145 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:56,782 - Hi. - Hey. 146 00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:58,550 Hey, how was your big date with the snuffy tuffkin? 147 00:06:58,551 --> 00:07:02,885 I mean the sniffy napkin. The slouchy foreskin. 148 00:07:02,955 --> 00:07:05,705 - Oh. Lily tie-tie. - Mm-hmm. 149 00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:09,193 It was good... ish. 150 00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:12,331 Look, there's Orion's Belt. 151 00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:13,965 Oh. 152 00:07:13,966 --> 00:07:16,101 [Thinking] Why does holding hands feel this weird? 153 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,037 Should our fingers not intertwine? 154 00:07:19,038 --> 00:07:21,707 What's causing that pinching feeling? 155 00:07:21,708 --> 00:07:24,009 I'll just cup her hand. 156 00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:27,309 There. That's... not great. 157 00:07:29,482 --> 00:07:31,616 - M mm. - M mm. 158 00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:34,052 Her hair's up my nose. 159 00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:37,823 Oh, her shoulder is jabbing into my windpipe. 160 00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:40,324 Maybe if we reposition. 161 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,395 [Ted Grunts] 162 00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:44,963 - [Sighs] - Uh- 163 00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:48,133 I have to say something. She must be feeling it too. 164 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,068 This feels so right. 165 00:07:50,069 --> 00:07:52,671 We fit like two puzzle pieces. 166 00:07:52,672 --> 00:07:54,239 Yeah. 167 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,942 Ted, I know you've waited 10 years for this girl... 168 00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:59,511 but some things just aren't meant to be. 169 00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:00,746 Not so fast. 170 00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:03,081 At the end of the night, when I leaned in... 171 00:08:03,082 --> 00:08:05,751 and somehow accidentally kissed her open eyeball... 172 00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:07,586 there was a slight flicker of something... 173 00:08:07,587 --> 00:08:10,287 I might even call chemistry... 174 00:08:10,289 --> 00:08:12,789 adjacent. 175 00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:14,159 Thank you. 176 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,428 Wait. 177 00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,330 Wh-Where is my cash? 178 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,365 Oh! Look. 179 00:08:20,366 --> 00:08:23,135 I did a little exchange for ya, canucklehead. 180 00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:26,605 This Canadian dollar here is called a loonie. 181 00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:29,641 And this two-dollar coin? A toonie. 182 00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:31,309 True story. 183 00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:33,945 It's federal currency, and you people talk about it... 184 00:08:33,946 --> 00:08:36,014 Iike it's a Hanna-Barbara character. 185 00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:38,779 Not "you people," Barney. 186 00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:40,719 - Our people. - [Sighs] 187 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,322 [Ted Narrating] Even though my first date with Naomi was a little awkward... 188 00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:46,625 our second date was a lot awkward. 189 00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,527 Mmm. 190 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,896 [Thinking] This is the worst kissing of all time! 191 00:08:50,897 --> 00:08:53,532 - M mm. - How could she possibly be into this? 192 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:57,235 - M mm! - She sounds like those cows in Temple Grandin's hug machines. 193 00:08:57,236 --> 00:09:01,496 - Do you wanna listen to some music? - Uh-huh! 194 00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:08,447 - ## [Country Pop] - Ted, this is our song. 195 00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:11,168 Let's make love to this song. 196 00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:14,486 [Singing Along To Radio] # Chickity China, the Chinese chicken # 197 00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,154 # Have a drumstick and brain stops # 198 00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:17,823 Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom. 199 00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:19,324 #...X-Files with no lights on We're dans la maison ## 200 00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:22,005 ## [Radio Continues, Muffled] 201 00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:24,129 Hey, doofus! 202 00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:26,198 It's me- you at age 15. 203 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:30,735 And we made a deal we would always boink any chick that wants to boink us. 204 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:33,805 Yes, she's beautiful. It's just there's no connection there. 205 00:09:33,806 --> 00:09:35,974 - I don't feel intimate with her. - lntimate? 206 00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:40,145 Let me remind you of some things you did feel intimate with when you were 15. 207 00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:42,047 A catcher's mitt. An oven mitt. 208 00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:43,782 A glass of warm water. 209 00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:45,517 A half-open hide-a-bed sofa. 210 00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:47,352 A top-loading VCR. 211 00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:48,587 It's not gonna happen. 212 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:52,024 [Groans] Come on! 213 00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:54,761 It'll take, like, 30 seconds! 214 00:09:55,862 --> 00:10:00,026 - Naomi, listen. - Shh. 215 00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:03,268 Oh. 216 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:06,529 - You like that, Ted? - [Chuckles] 217 00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:09,140 Do you like it when I caress your hair? 218 00:10:09,141 --> 00:10:12,542 Your hair is so nice to caress. 219 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,646 [Thinking] Why is she saying that word? 220 00:10:14,647 --> 00:10:17,275 I like to caress your hair. 221 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:18,984 There it is again. 222 00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:20,952 Caress! Who says that? 223 00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:23,453 [Whispering] Caress. 224 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:27,559 The thing is, I like her. 225 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,161 Okay? I really, really like her. 226 00:10:30,162 --> 00:10:33,732 I just don't seem to like anything she says or does. 227 00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:35,700 I have to break up with her, don't l? 228 00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:39,137 - [Together] Yes! - After you sleep with her, yes! 229 00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:42,040 Marshall, I've been thinking about what you said. 230 00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:44,309 You're right. We shouldn't move to the suburbs. 231 00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:47,379 Let's not make any huge life decisions right now. 232 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:50,582 Is this because you tried to make waffles with the laptop this morning? 233 00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:53,685 Anyway, I'm gonna call a real estate broker... 234 00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:55,687 to come look at the house tomorrow. 235 00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:59,524 Oh, by the way, I ordered those Minnesota Vikings drapes. 236 00:10:59,525 --> 00:11:03,028 You're right. They're totally gonna class up our apartment. 237 00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:05,529 Babe. 238 00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:08,233 Okay, yes, it's wrong to bang the drunk chick... 239 00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:13,638 but you're an idiot if you don't get, like, a little somethin'. 240 00:11:13,639 --> 00:11:15,040 Yo, Canada. 241 00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:16,808 What? Damn it! 242 00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:18,843 Ha. You answer to "Canada" now. 243 00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:20,845 [Sighs] 244 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,414 Make you a deal. 245 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:25,383 You wear this costume to the Halloween party tomorrow night... 246 00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:27,419 I'll drop it forever. 247 00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:30,389 [Muttering] 248 00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:32,557 You can't be serious. 249 00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:35,393 Oh, I am as serious as a poutine shortage... 250 00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:38,029 in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel. 251 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:41,700 I don't know what any of those words mean. 252 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,201 Yes, you do. 253 00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:50,875 - [Doorbell Rings] - Oh, that must be the broker. Marshall, will you get it? 254 00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:53,376 Sure. 'Course. 255 00:11:53,579 --> 00:11:55,981 [Together] Trick or treat! 256 00:11:55,982 --> 00:11:58,383 Oh, my gosh. How cute. 257 00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,218 I'm sorry. We don't have any candy. 258 00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:03,054 We forgot about trick-or-treaters. We don't get any where we live. 259 00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:07,765 Yep. Only get this kind of cuteness in the suburbs. 260 00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:11,824 Oh, look at how sweet and happy... 261 00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:14,265 and unarmed they all are. 262 00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:18,336 Are you using adorable little children in costumes to manipulate me? 263 00:12:18,337 --> 00:12:20,739 - Bye. - I mean, did you even call a real estate broker? 264 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,674 No. 265 00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,576 I've got pregnancy brain like a fiddle... 266 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:28,037 and I've been playing you like a fox. 267 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:34,542 # O Canada # 268 00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:41,188 [Whimpering] # Our home and native land ## 269 00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,461 [Sobbing] 270 00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:46,598 [Ted Narrating] I knew it would be tough to break up with Naomi... 271 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:51,329 but when it's just not there, you can 't force it. 272 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,339 Happy Halloween. 273 00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:57,942 And just like that, I was taken back 10 years... 274 00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:00,745 to the hopeful kid in the "hanging chad" costume... 275 00:13:00,746 --> 00:13:03,782 falling head over heels for the slutty pumpkin. 276 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,283 I made you something. 277 00:13:09,488 --> 00:13:12,190 - Ohh! - Your costume from that first night. 278 00:13:12,191 --> 00:13:15,026 Although you do realize that even 10 years ago... 279 00:13:15,027 --> 00:13:17,662 that "hanging chad" reference was, like, almost a year old. 280 00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:19,931 [Chuckles] Wow. 281 00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:22,033 I can't believe you made this. 282 00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:24,502 I can't believe you found me. 283 00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:26,304 [Thinking] Stay strong, Teddy. 284 00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:28,506 We can do this. 285 00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:32,844 - l- - "Have to break up with you." Just say it. 286 00:13:32,845 --> 00:13:34,546 - love- - Wait. What? 287 00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:37,816 No. No, no, no, no! Say sunsets. Pancakes. Anything. 288 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,884 - Just don 't say- - you. 289 00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:43,013 No! 290 00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:48,693 - ## [Stereo: Dance] - Barney, where are you? 291 00:13:48,694 --> 00:13:50,795 You're moving slower than John Diefenbaker... 292 00:13:50,796 --> 00:13:53,098 climbing Mt. Hungabee on Boxing Day. 293 00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:55,834 [Laughing] Those are all real references to our shared homeland. 294 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,402 [Barney] I'll be right there. 295 00:13:57,403 --> 00:14:00,672 Can't wait to see you in your costume, Dudley Do-Right. 296 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,374 [Man On Stereo] # Living in America # 297 00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:05,043 Ow! 298 00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:06,945 # Eye to eye # 299 00:14:06,946 --> 00:14:09,347 # Station to station # 300 00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:11,908 # Living in America # 301 00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:15,386 # Hand to hand# 302 00:14:15,387 --> 00:14:17,522 # Across the nation # 303 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:20,754 # Living in America # 304 00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:25,219 # Got to have a celebration # 305 00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:27,797 # Rock my soul ## 306 00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,236 Ow! 307 00:14:31,237 --> 00:14:33,571 If we move here, you're just gonna have that baby... 308 00:14:33,572 --> 00:14:35,807 and then you're gonna hate me for letting you do this. 309 00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,876 I'm gonna love it here. 310 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:41,212 Oh, we'd have so much room in the suburbs. 311 00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:45,717 You can get that pinball machine you've always wanted. 312 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:48,453 You can put it anywhere you want. 313 00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:51,122 Stop it. You don't know what you're saying. 314 00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:55,685 Anywhere. Upstairs, downstairs- 315 00:14:55,761 --> 00:14:58,481 You can stick it in the back. 316 00:14:59,665 --> 00:15:02,967 Lily, I wanna be inside this house so bad. 317 00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:07,098 [All] U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 318 00:15:07,173 --> 00:15:08,673 Go on! 319 00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:10,675 Okay, so rather than wearing a Mountie costume... 320 00:15:10,676 --> 00:15:12,243 and end this forever... 321 00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:14,012 you show up shirtless to an outdoor party? 322 00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:15,580 It's practically November. 323 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:18,016 No biggie. I ain't cold. 324 00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:21,282 Huh. Interesting. It's fascinating. 325 00:15:21,353 --> 00:15:24,289 Almost as if your body was accustomed to low temperatures... 326 00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:27,191 after generations of adapting. 327 00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:30,126 - [Whispering] Canada. - No. 328 00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:32,964 Guys, hey. Robin, Barney, this is Naomi. 329 00:15:32,965 --> 00:15:34,332 - Hey. - Hey. 330 00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,927 So nice to meet you guys. 331 00:15:37,002 --> 00:15:40,338 I'm gonna go make some Tootsie Rolls. It's a drink I invented. 332 00:15:40,339 --> 00:15:42,040 There's a song and dance that goes with it... 333 00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:44,008 but I have to drink three of them before I can do it. 334 00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:46,377 [Chuckles] 335 00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:47,946 - Oh. - Okay, to your right. 336 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,447 This way. 337 00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:54,209 Sounds delicious, in theory... 338 00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:56,654 but you never know until you taste it. 339 00:15:56,655 --> 00:15:59,724 Ted, have you tasted her Tootsie Roll? 340 00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:02,060 - [Groans] - Of course not. 341 00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:05,087 - Ow. - Wait. Have you? 342 00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:08,800 [Gasps] You had sex with someone you had zero feelings for. 343 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,169 U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 344 00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:12,837 - Ow! - Stop it! 345 00:16:12,838 --> 00:16:15,006 Just no part of it felt right. 346 00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:17,475 At first there was too much eye contact, then not enough. 347 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,477 Where do you look during sex? 348 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:24,082 Uh, into the hidden camera at "future me" watching it. 349 00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:27,719 Okay, wait. How does saying "l want to break up with you" lead into sex? 350 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,922 I didn't say "l wanna break up with you," exactly. 351 00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:33,423 What did you say, exactly? 352 00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:36,427 "l love you." 353 00:16:36,428 --> 00:16:38,928 Classic Schmosby. 354 00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:42,958 Marshall, this house wants you so bad. 355 00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:46,271 "Mow my lawn. 356 00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:47,839 Rake my leaves. 357 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,741 Winterize my pipes." 358 00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:51,576 Yes! Yes! 359 00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:54,345 I'm coming... to terms with this decision. 360 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:56,247 - [Doorbell Rings] - Ooh! 361 00:16:56,248 --> 00:16:58,850 - [Together] Trick or treat! - [Gasps] 362 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,919 Whee! Okay. 363 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:04,014 Hmm! Ooh. 364 00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:06,589 Happy Halloween. 365 00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:10,395 - Lily? - Yeah? 366 00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:13,731 You just gave those children a stapler... 367 00:17:13,732 --> 00:17:17,302 a pair of sharp scissors and a pretty decent Pinot Noir. 368 00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:19,570 I did? 369 00:17:19,571 --> 00:17:21,739 Oh, my God. 370 00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:25,243 [Crying] I'm gonna miss that stapler so much! 371 00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:27,744 It's okay. 372 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,949 [Sighs] I'm not doing so great, am l? 373 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:33,450 Maybe not. 374 00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:39,457 We shouldn't make any huge life decisions right now, should we? 375 00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:42,325 Hey, look, I love you... 376 00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:45,063 and l-I love the idea of raising our kids... 377 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,698 with a lawn and a white picket fence... 378 00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:51,336 but we have our whole lives to decide when and if we want to do that. 379 00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:53,837 Do what? 380 00:17:53,872 --> 00:17:56,372 Let's get you home. 381 00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,714 Ooh! 382 00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:05,350 [Child] That's for the stapler! 383 00:18:05,351 --> 00:18:07,851 I hate the suburbs. 384 00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:13,524 - Naomi- - We have to end this. 385 00:18:13,525 --> 00:18:15,293 - Wh- Huh? - I'm sorry. 386 00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:18,524 Tootsie Rolls make me really honest. 387 00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:21,164 Ted... 388 00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:24,267 I know you're super into me... 389 00:18:24,370 --> 00:18:27,538 - but we are terrible together. - Wait. What? 390 00:18:27,539 --> 00:18:29,640 I've been trying... 391 00:18:29,641 --> 00:18:33,811 saying things felt good that didn't, just to- 392 00:18:33,812 --> 00:18:38,449 I thought saying it was good would make it feel good, but... 393 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,950 it always felt off. 394 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,657 [Thinking] Why won't he stop sniffing my hair? 395 00:18:46,658 --> 00:18:48,493 And what's up with the hand holding? 396 00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:51,896 It's like he 's trying to win a thumb war. 397 00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:54,832 Ted, this is our song. 398 00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:57,568 [Thinking] Oh, no. He thinks I'm actually into this song. 399 00:18:57,569 --> 00:18:59,470 Does he not get sarcasm? 400 00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:02,565 Let's make love to this song. 401 00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,743 I'll just be even more ridiculous to make it clear it's a joke. 402 00:19:05,744 --> 00:19:07,745 # Chickity China the Chinese chicken # 403 00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:11,215 - l- - Uh-oh. Where you going with this, buddy? 404 00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:12,350 Iove- 405 00:19:12,351 --> 00:19:14,485 Nope. Too soon. Say basset hounds. 406 00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:16,854 - Pretzel Crisps. Anything but- - you. 407 00:19:16,855 --> 00:19:20,665 Oh, God. Just kiss him before he proposes. 408 00:19:22,594 --> 00:19:26,030 Ted, I've been looking for the hot hanging chad for the last nine Halloweens. 409 00:19:26,031 --> 00:19:29,967 I've waded through a sweaty parade of Big Lebowskis... 410 00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:32,236 Harry Potters, Antoine Dodsons... 411 00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:34,872 and that jackass who always dresses as laundry. 412 00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:36,340 Oh, I hate that guy. 413 00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:39,831 That's why once I finally found you... 414 00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:42,939 it was hard to let you go. 415 00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:46,883 Good-bye, Ted. 416 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,757 Let's just not touch ever again. 417 00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:55,258 Probably a good idea. Yeah. 418 00:19:56,728 --> 00:19:59,797 [Ted Narrating] Kids, after spending a decade dreaming of the wrong girl... 419 00:19:59,798 --> 00:20:05,870 I wanted more than ever for the next woman I met to be the real thing. 420 00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,905 [Chuckles] Yeah, I don't know, Barney. 421 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:09,874 She doesn't seem like my type. 422 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,143 I will kill you. 423 00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:13,878 I'll see what I can do. 424 00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:16,379 [Mouthing Words] 425 00:20:25,190 --> 00:20:27,690 [Exhales] 426 00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:31,495 - [Whooshing] - [Groans] 427 00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:34,964 [Groans] 428 00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:38,102 [Canadian Accent] Oh, hey there. I'm Barney. How are ya? 429 00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:40,603 No. I'm Barney. 430 00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:46,077 Whoa. You pack quite a wallop there. 431 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,012 Hope you didn't hurt your hand. 432 00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:50,777 Why are you so nice? 433 00:20:50,849 --> 00:20:52,450 [Grunts] 434 00:20:52,451 --> 00:20:54,519 Oh! Sorry about my thick noodle there. 435 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,988 How about we split the cost of the vase, eh? 436 00:20:56,989 --> 00:21:00,057 [Grunts] Holy Zamboni! [Chuckles] 437 00:21:00,058 --> 00:21:01,893 Oh, you really put your weight behind that one. 438 00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:04,495 - That was a really good one. - [Grunts] 439 00:21:04,496 --> 00:21:09,606 Oh, heavens to Gretzky. That was a real Chiclet rattler! 30761