All language subtitles for A Countess from Hong Kong (1967) (1080p BluRay x265 Garshasp)_Legendas01.ENG

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)

What's the charge, sister?
Half a dollar a dance.

You mean them women
are countesses?
Some are.

No kiddin'.
Give me five bucks' worth.

Thank you, sir.

Well, I got a ticket to dance
with a countess.
Go to it, buddy.

Want to tell the folks
back home I'm movin'
in high society.

Oh, pardon me.
Can I sit down?
Please.

I've got a ticket to dance.

You a countess?

No kiddin'.

Tell me, how many countesses
are there around here?

Oh, quite a few.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

Every statesman,
every minister and diplomat
should dedicate himself

to the cause of world peace.
(KNOCKING RHYTHMICALLY
ON DOOR)

Ogden, it's Harvey!
Oh, Ogden, are you still
at that speech?

Now, here we are, China,
Hong Kong, and you're still
trying to save the world.

Let's get out of here.
See the town. We're only
staying 24 hours.

AII right, Crawford.
We'll finish this
after Iunch.

Okay, sir.

Can ya believe it? Hong Kong.
By golly, I can see
a Chinaman out there.

I wouldn't be
at all surprised.

Look at them.
Packed together
like sardines.

That's what I dislike
about the poor.
They have no taste.

They indulge in squalor.
They pick the Worst
neighborhoods to live in,

eat the worst kind of food
and dress atrociously.

That's the first time
I've seen you smile
since we've been on this trip.

That wasn't a smile.
That was a gas pain.

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)
How do you feel, buddy?

Depressed.

You should be
the happiest man
in the world.

In six weeks
you'll be divorced

and possibly the next
Secretary of State.

We'll wait and see.
Here's the day's paper.

"Ogden Mears,
multi-millionaire,

"son of the richest oilman
in the world

"will be the new
Secretary of State."

Let me see that.

You didn't
finish the sentence.

"According to
the latest rumor."

"Son of the richest oilman
in the world."
They won't let you forget it.

That's the burden
you must carry.

(LAUGHS) Harvey,
you're a corrupting influence.

Maybe,
but I didn't lead you
into politics.

What else is there to do?
Murder, arson, rape.

There's plenty
of other worthy occupations.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Crawford, sir.
Come in, Crawford.

Just came over the wire.

The President has appointed
Mr. Patrick Dowling

Secretary of State.
Dowling, huh?

Well, that's show business.

Who the devil
is Patrick Dowling?
OGDEN: Secretary of State.

L'll check for more news.

Thank you, Crawford.

Well, Harvey,
I guess you're right.

I think I'II give up
trying to save the world.

Tonight we're gonna celebrate
Patrick Dowling's appointment.

Excuse me, sir.
Mr. Clark has telephoned.

Mr. Clark? Where is he?

Up in the lounge, sir.
He says he's on his way down.

Well, show him here.
Yes, sir.

Who's Clark?
He's one of Father's
senior directors.

Avenerable old gentleman.

Listen, we don't want to
get stuck with that old boy

for the rest
of the evening.

No, no,
I'Il get rid of him.

Remember you just
got over the flu.

Took a long sea voyage
to get away from it all.

We don't want to be
visiting parks and museums.

Mr. Clark, sir.

Ogden, my dear boy, I haven't
seen you since you were
in swaddling clothes.

I must say
you're the replica
of your father. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, Mr. Clark, may I present
my friend Harvey Crothers,
Mr. Clark?

How do you do?
I beg your pardon.

Well, sir.

Hudson tells me
you're under the weather

and here I am ready
to show you the town.

Unfortunately,
this is my first day up
after the flu.

And I think perhaps
I'd better stay inside
and just take things easy.

Of course, my dear boy.
I'II not disturb you.

But before I go,
I'd like to introduce some
very dear friends of mine.

They're waiting
inthelounge.
(MOUTHING)

Well, certainly.
Hudson, would you show
Mr. CIark's friends in?

CLARK:
They're alone in the lounge.
You can't miss them.

HUDSON: Yes, sir.

Well, Ogden. Too bad
you're not up to scratch.

I was looking forward
to showing you
around Hong Kong.

Yes, well, I'm disappointed.
I was reading about it
and it sounds fascinating.

The botanical gardens
and the museums...

Oh, dear, dear me,
dear me. (LAUGHS)

Botanical gardens?
(LAUGHS) I think we can do
better than that.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)

I guess I've been reading
the wrong book.

Ogden,
these are my friends.

This is Mr. Ogden Mears.

Mr. Harvey Crothers.

Countess Chiedoff.

Countess Natascha Alexandrov.

Baroness Cavanotchy.

Hello, I'd like a drink.

No, no, Baroness.
It's too early.

Excuse me. Uh...
What will you have, Iadies?

Champagne.
Champagne, champagne.

(TU RNS RADIO OFF)

No, no, don't turn it off.

Music complements
the champagne.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC RESUMES)
Ladies, would you be seated?

Too bad you're just
getting over the flu, Ogden.

I thought we might go on
somewhere this evening
and take the Iadies along.

But then the night air
might be dangerous for you.

Oh, I think
if I wrap up well
it'll be all right.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Where are the girls?

I don't know. I think
they went to the Iadies' room
as soon as you left.

I must have inspired them
with the same idea.

Let me tell you about
these Iadies. Harvey.

They are the daughters
of Russian aristocrats.

Their titles
are absolutely genuine.

Their parents
escaped to Shanghai during
the Russian Revolution.

Shanghai was a nasty place
in those days.

An international settlement
run by seven nations.

Because they had no country,
their Iife was worthless.

They could
be robbed, murdered.
Nobody bothered.

Countess Natascha,
the one sitting next to you

has had rather a sad Iife.

She was the mistress
of a gangster
at the age of 14.

OGDEN: How did the others
manage to live?

Many starved,
others committed suicide.

Some of the women
worked in dance halls.

The men had to compete
with the cheapest labor

because they couldn't
leave the country.

I think Harvey
is very good-looking.

A Iot of good that'II do you.
He's penniless.

So what? Haven't you
any romance in your soul?

Money makes me romantic.

I thought Harvey
was the one with the dough.

You have poor instincts,
my dear.

It's the other one,
Ogden Mears,
who has the money.

He's the son of the richest
oilman in the world
and Nataschás got him hooked.

Mr. Ogden?
He's very attractive.

(SCOFFS) Leave it to Natascha.

She's like a divining stick
finding water.

Only in her case,
she's found oil.

Well, you can have
your big oilman.

He's here today
and gone tomorrow.

But I shall stick
to old Papa Clark.

He took me away
from the dance halls.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

Listen, Milton...
Pardon me, Mr. Milton Clark.

Would you like to dance?
(CHUCKUNG)

Natascha.

You're very quiet
this evening.

Am I? I'm sorry.

Don't apologize.
I like quiet people.

They're either clever
orduw

I would say you're
one of the Clever ones.

Thank you.
I'd better keep silent.

Well, whatever you do,
it's very attractive.

Would you like to dance?
No, I'd like to sit here
and talk with you.

I regret I speak English
so badly.
You speak it beautifully.

I understand
you were born in Shanghai.

Yes. But my parents
came from Russia.

And now they've moved
to Hong Kong?

My parents died in Shanghai
when I was 13.

Haven't you
any brothers or sisters?
I was an only child.

Thirteen, a little young
to face the world.

We must all face it
sooner or later.

Some more sooner.

How did you come
to live in Hong Kong?

Well, there was another war,
another revolution.
So here we are.

But Iet us talk of
something more cheerful.

I'm sorry.

Would you like to dance?
I'd love to.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Congratulations,
Your Excellency.

You are now a Plenipotentiary
Extraordinary.

Harvey, will you ring
for the steward

and have him bring
some ice water?

Oh.

What's this
PIeni-pli-plen-what?

Oh, itjust
came over the radio.
You've been appointed

Plenipotentiary Extraordinary
to the Court of Saudi Arabia.

I'II never get away
from the oil business.

You been sleeping
on that couch all night?

What's this?
Telephone numbers.

Some of your first
official appointments,
Iguess.

And this?

Some roughneck guy got fresh
with Natascha in the nightclub
and you clipped him.

I clipped him?
A brawl in a nightclub?

Well, I'm off to a fine start
as Ambassador.

Steward, sir.

Steward, would you bring me
some AIka-Seltzer and some
ice water, please?

Yes, sir.

Who's Natascha?

You don't know Natascha?
You ought to.

You were pretty clubby
with her last night.

What do you mean "clubby"?
From the verb "club."

To form an association
united by a common interest.

That's enough. I don't
want to hear any more.
Where are we?

Way out at sea.
When did we leave Hong Kong?

Two hours ago.
(BELL RINGING)

That's the first call
for Iunch. Coming down?

No, I'm gonna take a bath
and get myself together.

I'II call ya later then.
Yeah.

Uh, Hudson.

Just fixing
your bath, sir.

What are you doing,
Hudson?

Just making a note
of the telephone numbers.

Oh, don't bother with them.

Oh! I beg your pardon.

Did I startle you?

Who are you?

I'm Natascha.

Oh, well, how do you do?

Are we alone?

I don't know.
Maybe there's
somebody under the bed.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.

Yes, well, what are you doing
in that closet?

Well, sir,
if you'll allow me,
I'll explain everything.

Go ahead.

I don't know whether you
remember the Baroness,
the Countess and me?

Yes. Well, get to the point.

After leaving the Pantheon,
we finally finished up here.

And then?

Then you fell asleep,
so everyone Ieft,

but I came back
to look for my handbag.

Enough of that. Why are you
hiding in that closet?

Well, let's face it.
I've stowed away.

You what?
I'm going to America.

Are you crazy?

Please don't get excited.

If you let me stay
until the purser's Checked
all the passengers,

I'II leave your Cabin
and will never
bother you again.

And if anyone comes,
I can hide in the bathroom
or in the closet.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Who is it?

Hudson, sir, with the menu.
In case you should want Iunch
before the kitchens close.

Thank you.
Call later, Hudson.

You see how simple it is.

After the purser's
Checked everyone,

no one will know
whether I'm a passenger
or not.

Now look, the best thing
for you to do

is go straight to the Captain
and tell him what happened.

You were visiting friends
and you were left aboard.

But isn't it awkward
if he wants to know
where I slept all night?

Of course not!
What do you mean?

Tell him the truth.
There's nothing to hide.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Who is it?
STEWARD: Alka-Seltzer, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Look, I must take my bath
and get dressed now.

Yes, of course.

Do you mind leaving?

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I can wait in
the next room.

Just a minute.
You don't seem
to understand.

You cannot wait
in this suite.

I have friends coming.

But where can I go?
That's your problem.

Please Iet me stay
until the purser's
Checked everyone.

No, no.
I promise. After tonight,
you'll never see me again.

Ybu1Ihavetoleave
these premises
immediately.

Ican1Ieave
dressed like this
in the middle of the day.

However,
you can't stay here.
I must!

Well, if you insist,
I shall have to ring
for the purser.

If you do,
I'II Scream,

I'II tear my clothes
and swear you tried
to attack me.

This is blackmail.
Yes, blackmail.

Oh, no, no,
I didn't mean it.

That was a stupid
thing to say.

Certainly was.

Of course it isn't blackmail.
I don't want your money.

I want to get away
from Hong Kong.

I tried to tell you that
last night but you...

You've told me enough.
(BURPING)
You wouldn't let me explain.

I'm gonna give you
one more chance.

Are you going
to leave this Cabin?

No. And if you
ring the bell,
I'II Scream.

We'll see about that.
Please, please,
I never meant it.

Stand away
from that bell.
No, I won't.

Then I'II ring from
the next room. (BURPS)
Oh!

Please, please, I beg you!

Now go ahead and scream.

Where is that steward?

Steward, would you please
send for the purser?

Yes, sir.
Thank you.

Don't bother. I'II go.

Well, I'm sorry,
but if I succumb
to Sympathy

I'd have the whole world
on my neck.

Now, if it's just a question
of paying your fare

to wherever
you want to go,
I'II do that.

But you have to get off
at the next stop.

It's no use.
That's Japan.
They'II arrest me.

Why?

I haven't a passport.

You haven't a passport?

Well, how do you
expect to land
in the United States?

I'II get in some way.

My dear young lady,
you haven't a chance.

Now the best thing
for you to do
is return to Hong Kong.

Neven

I'II talk to the purser
and see if we can
get you a Cabin.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)
Who is it?

The purser,
Your Excellency.
Oh.

Here, in...
Oh, yeah.

Good afternoon,
Your Excellency.

Good afternoon, purser.
I'd like to know if you have
an extra berth or a Cabin.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
We haven't a thing.
We're completely full up.

There might be something
at Kobe, but I doubt it.

When do we get to Kobe?

Tomorrow morning
at 11:00, sir.
Thank you.

Is there anything else
I can do
for Your Excellency?

No, not a thing. Thank you.

Well, they're full up.

FuHup?
Yeah.

Oh, well,
we'll manage somehow.

Will we? Where do you think
you're gonna sleep tonight?

As soon as it's dark,
I can sleep in one
of the Iifeboats.

Whatever made you think
you could get away with this?

I didn't think.
It was an impulse.
A chance to escape.

Escape?
Escape from what?

Have you committed
a crime?

Of course not.
Escape from despair,
hopelessness, no future.

Nothing to look forward to
but dance halls
and prostitution.

But I am determined
not to slowly die and rot.

Well, that's no excuse
for your actions.

There's no excuse
for many things
in this world.

Oh, well,
you're getting off at Kobe,
the next stop.

Then I can stay?
Stay? I can't get rid of you.

Now do you mind
going in the other room
while I take a bath?

Not at all,
Your Excellency.

And if anyone knocks,
don't answer.
No, Your Excellency.

And lay off
the "Excellency."
Yes, sir.

What are you going
to do about food?

It's no hardship to miss
a meal occasionally.

You want me to
break down and weep?
No,buL_

Well, then, mark down
what you want on the menu
while I lock the door.

Now, when you hear
a knock like this,
you'll know it's me.

(KNOCKING SEVEN TIMES
IN RHYTHM)

(KNOCKING REPEATED OUTSIDE)

CRAWFORD: It's Crawford.

Come in, Crawford.

Harvey says not to wait
for him for Iunch.

He's not feeling too well.
I think he's got
an upset stomach.

I've got a little
upset stomach myself.

Excuse me, sir.
The kitchens will be closed
in 10 minutes.

Oh, well, here it is.

"Chicken a Ia king,
potato au gratin,
string beans,

"cauliflower,
a glass of milk
and caramel ice cream

"with hot
chocolate sauce," sir?

That's about it.

That's not bad
for an upset stomach.

(KNOCKING FIVE TIMES
IN RHYTHIVI)
Ogden.

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

(FINGERS TAPPING)

(TAPPING CONTINUES)

(TAPPING CONTINUES)

(TAPPING CONTINUES)

(TAPPING STOPS)

(BOOK THUDS)

Oh, excuse me.

(YAWNS)

Why don't you go to bed?

Well, I thought
I'd wait for you.

Oh, that is, I...
I don't know
where to go.

You'd better run along
to your Iifeboat.

(CHUCKUNG)
It's no Iaughing matter.

However, you can sleep
in the next room.

Where are you
going to sleep?
That's my business.

There's another bed
in the other room,

if you'd care
to sleep there.

Thank you.
I'm Sleeping on the sofa.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)

I suppose you have
nothing to sleep in.

Oh, don't bother.

Here, you can use these
and this.
Thank you.

I'm sorry I don't have
any hairpins or toothbrush.

I feel terrible putting you
to all this trouble.

Hmm. You can write me
to that effect when
you're off this boat.

Come in.

Ogden, you mustn't.

(RADIO VOLUME INCREASES)

(RADIO VOLUME DECREASES)

Please don't turn
the radio down.
Keep it up. Keep it up.

Sorry.

(RADIO VOLUME INCREASES)

Get up out of there.

Oh, Iwish
you'd Iet me sleep here.

I feel I'm robbing you
ofyourbed.

You're robbing me
of my sleep.

Look. I'm very
comfortable here.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Ooh! Ah!

CRAWFORD: Mr. Ogden,
are you asleep?

Yes. What is it?

It's Crawford.
Harvey's been in bed all day
with an upset stomach.

Can you give him something?
Just a minute.

Tell him to take this.
He'II feel 1000/0
in the morning.

Thanks.

Good night, Crawford.
Good night, boss.

Now, you get
in the other room
and stay there.

Be careful.
These pajamas
are transparent.

So are you.

(SIGHS) Good night.

Come in.

I believe this is yours.

Good night.
Good night.

Up, come on, get up.
We're gonna be in Kobe
in 15 minutes.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYS ON RADIO)
Yes, sir, I'II tidy up first.

(RADIO VOLUME DECREASES)
(WATER RUNNING)

(RADIO VOLUME INCREASES)

Now, what are you
going to have
for breakfast?

Oh, anything, sir.

Two boiled eggs,
four minutes,

a little bacon,
toast and coffee.

Eggs,bacon,
toast and coffee.

Oh, and hot milk
to go with the coffee.
Hot milk.

Oh, yes, and marmalade.
And marmalade.

Boiled eggs.
I suppose they're fresh?

I don't know
about the eggs.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

(DOOR SLAMS)

Who is it?
Steward, sir.

Good morning, sir.
Breakfast?
Yes.

"Two eggs, bacon,
toast and coffee,
hot milk, marmalade."

(PIPES SQUEAKING)
That all, sir?

Yes, and would you serve it
in the next room, please?

Very good, sir.

What were you doing?

The bath was overflowing.
So I turned the taps off.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)
(GASPS)

Good morning, boss.
I just came down to tell you
a batch of reporters

got on with the pilot
and they're waiting now
to interview you.

Morning, Ogden.
I just came down
to tell you

a batch of reporters
got on with the pilot.

They're waiting
to interview you.

I can't see anybody
before breakfast.

Say about 11:00'?
Look, they're up
inthelounge.

And I can probably keep them
busy for a while,

but I think it might be
a good idea
to bring them

down here
and give them a little drink
and a Sandwich

just to sweeten them up.

AII right,
you fix that up.

Harvey, I'II see you
after breakfast.
I have to collect myself.

Oh, how do you feel?

Oh, great. You know,
the stuff you gave me

fixed me up fine.
Good. I'II see you
after breakfast.

(STAMMERING)
Right after breakfast.

(EXHALES)

What... What do
you want, Hudson?

To prepare your bath, sir.
I've had my bath.

Just a moment.

May I have the key,
if you don't mind?

It's Ogden.
I beg your pardon,
Your Excellency.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Is that all, sir?
Yes, that's all.

Thank you, sir.

It's Ogden. Hurry up.

This door is broken.
I know.

Hurry up
and eat your breakfast.
Yes, Your Excellency.

Oh! Like a silver garden.

(SOFTLY) How lovely.

Hurry up and eat!
Oh! Yes, sir.

I ordered boiled eggs and
they've scrambled them,
but it doesn't matter.

Will you please hurry up?
We're gonna be in Kobe
in just a few minutes now.

I'm doing my best, sir.

You should have been up
and dressed an hour ago.

But I haven't got
any clothes to wear.

What? You...
You have a dress in there!

That's for the evening.

I can't appear at 11 .OO
in the morning
in an evening dress.

Well, you should have
thought about that before.

Now, wait a minute.

There's a dress shop
at the top of the stairs.
Ladies' dress shop.

What are your measurements?
Hmm?

How tall are you?

What about around here?
(CHUCKLES)

Never mind that.
What about here?

Modesty forbids.
Oh!

Now, listen.
Remember when I leave,
lock both doors.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Good morning, sir.
Good morning.

I'd Iike to have a Iady's suit
for someone about 5'7".

I'm afraid
we've nothing in stock.

Well, what's all this?
Samples, sir.

Our main stores
are in London
and New York.

Oh, I'II take
anything you have.

A complete Iady's outfit
will be fine.

Yes, sir.

(SHIP HORN BLOWS)

(KNOCKING FIVE TIMES
IN RHYTHIVI)
Ogden!

Here. Here's some clothes.

Now, hurry up and get dressed.
The press is going to be here
in five minutes.

Yes, Sir. (EXHALES)

Aren't you ready yet?
I'm trying to
get ready, sir, but...

You are not
trying to get ready.

I've had just about
enough of this.

I'm not gonna stand...
I gave you
my measurements, but...

Listen, I'm not interested
in the problem
of your measurements.

I'm interested
in you getting...
What is this for anyway?

...out this door right now.

If you're not
off this boat
in two minutes...

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Who is it?
Steward, sir.

Yes, sir?
Clear these things away.

Yes, sir.

(SIGHS)

Aren't you ready yet?
But it's all too big!

Haven't they got
something smaller?

That's the smallest
they have.

What am I to do?
"Do"'? Get dressed
and get off the boat!

This is absurd.
I can't go ashore like this.

I'd be arrested.
They don't fit.

Then you'll go as you are.

'N YOUF pajamas?

Take off those pajamas.
Would that look nice?

Take off those pajamas
or I'II tear them off.

(GASPS) Oh!
You heard what I said.
Take 'em off.

Oh, please, my nerves.

Take them off.
Oh, this is silly.

You'll see
how silly this is.
Oh!

Ahhh!

Take 'em off.

Oh, please. Do you want me
to call the Captain?

Oh, but this
is absurd, really.
What are we doing?

Ooh! Ooh! Oh, dear! Ooh.

You'll get off
this boat if I...

(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Who is it?

It's Crawford, sir.

Come in,
Iadies and gentlemen.
Please be seated.

How do you do?
Good morning.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I introduce
His Excellency, Ogden Mears?

WOMAN: How do you do?
Good morning.

How many
in your party, Mr. Mears?

There are three of us,
Mr. Crothers,
Mr. Crawford and myself.

Mr. Mears, I understand
you've been made Ambassador
to Saudi Arabia.

Yes, that's right.

Are you going
directly there now?

No, I'II go to Washington
for the usual formalities.

WOMAN: Is your wife
going with you?
I hope so.

MAN: Mr. Ambassador,
what is your solution
for peace?

The solution for peace
lies in man himself.

In this atomic age
(CORK POPS)

and the power
of military might...

Wait, I'II get you a towel.

...Iiberty,
freedom and Justice

are generalities
that have been

quoted as an excuse
for aggression.

NATASCHA: Ah!
OGDEN: Nature has
given us the, uh,

technological ability to

military might, but is built
on the foundation of peace

and goodwill to all men.

And in this atomic age,

only the morality of man
can help him to survive.

The solution for peace
is in truth

and tolerance
and understanding.

Thank you, gentlemen.

CRAWFORD: That will be all,
Iadies and gentlemen.

STEWARD: Refreshments
over here, please.

Ogden,
I've got to talk to you.

Not now, old man.
But, Ogden!

I'm sorry. I need rest.
I'm going back to bed.

Are you kidding?

A dame in your bathroom.
I went to get a towel.

I'II talk to you about that
later on the Promenade Deck.

She says she's a stowaway
and she's going to America.

How did she get
into your pajamas?

Hmm... Like a fool,
I Ioaned her a pair
of my pajamas to sleep in.

(BELL DINGING)

VVeH,youWlhave
to pay her off.

I offered to pay her expenses
back to Hong Kong,
but she won't take it.

That's peanuts.
She's out for big dough.

Why don't you
get off the boat
and leave her flat?

(SHIP HORN BLOWS)

Too Iate.

Now listen,
I've gotta do something.
I just can't leave her

downstairs in that Cabin
with my pajamas.

I mean,
it puts me in a terrible spot.
What am I gonna do?

AII right. Let's go to Iunch
and afterwards you
let me talk to her.

(KEY RATTLING)

(KNOCKING FIVE TIMES
IN RHYTHM)
Mr. Mears.

Oh!
That's all right.
This is Mr. Crothers.

You met him this morning
in the bathroom, I believe.

How do you do?
Well, I see you've been
playing Chess.

Alone?
Yes.

I took the liberty
of putting on another pair
of your pajamas

after the other one
had been ripped off.

Where's the torn one?

Oh, I hid it.
I didn't think you wanted
anyone to see it.

(YELLS) You think
I give a damn
who sees it?

You spoiled my move.

Now, now, Ogden.
Let's settle this thing
without any bitterness.

Natascha,

I understand you want
to go to America.

Yes.
Good.

Now, Ogden tells me
that you have neither
a passport nor a visa.

I don't need them.

What makes you think
you don't need them?

Because I haven't
got them.
Fair enough.

You see, she's insane.
Because I haven't
a passport?

What's this use
of arguing with her?

Natascha, don't you realize
that you'll be caught?

I have no intention
of being caught.

But you have to pass
the immigration officers.

So what?
(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Who is it?
Chief Steward, sir.

Excuse me.
Do you mind closing
all your portholes, sir?

Yes, it seems to be
blowing up out there.

Just a little sloppy.
Nothing serious. (CHUCKLES)
Yes.

AII clear.

What are you hiding for?
Me? I don't know.

However, let's get down
to business.

Natascha,

I like you.

And I think
I'm a good judge
of character.

You mustn't mind Ogden.
He's a little abrupt,
but he means well.

Well, you mean well,

but he hasn't
approached you
in the right way.

I'm sure you don't
want to ruin his career.

AII Iwant
is to get to America.

Well, that can be arranged,

if you'll get off at Tokyo
and take another boat.

If you get off at Tokyo,
I'II give you $25,000.

You don't seem to understand.
I don't want money.

This is a trick
and you're not
getting away with it.

Natascha,
how much do you want?

I don't want money.

And I don't want this.

We'll give you $50,000.
Oh, there's no use
in arguing.

Best thing to do
is go to the Captain
and tell him the whole story.

Then I'II tell him my side.
How you kidnapped me,
looked me in your Cabin,

and after attacking me,
tried to get rid of me.

Do you think I give a hoot
for your threats?

(GROANS)

Now, wait a minute.

This is getting us nowhere.

Ogden,

you can catch
more flies with honey

than you can with...

With What?

HARVEY: Well, I'd say
mustard or vinegar.

Mustard and vinegar?

What's that
got to do with it?

Well, you can get more
with honey. Honey, huh.

Now, listen, Natascha.
If Ogden goes
to the Captain,

he'II believe him
before he'II believe you,
and you'll be sent to jail.

If you'll get off the boat
at Tokyo without a scandal,
we'll give you $75,000.

I don't want money. (HICCUPS)

Ogden, you're dealing
with an odd character.

This is a hold-up. I'm going
straight to the Captain.

Don%do
anything rash, Ogden.

Ogden?

Ogden,
before you do anything...
(OGDEN GROANS)

(WIND HOWLING)

OGDEN: Out!

What do you think
you're doing?

Oh.

Harvey,
ring for some ice water.

You leave this Cabin
immediately.

Well, good morning, Ogden.
Hello, Harv.

How do you feel?
Wonderful.

Good.

Say, you had quite
a siege of it.

You know, for a while there,
I thought it was serious.

Well, it was a touch
of the old malaria.

I get it every
once in a while.

But now I feel great.
Good.

Say,uh,
how's the situation
down below?

I don't know
what to think.

You know, she stayed up
two days and nights
dosing me with quinine

and taking my temperature.

She even wanted to send
for the ship's doctor

when she thought
it was getting serious.

Of course I stopped her.

Well, in three days
we arrive in Honolulu,

then she says
she'II disappear.

I'II miss her.

So Will l.

I'II miss the tension,
the excitement of it all.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)

We were wondering
what had become of you.

Well, I...
I hope you haven't
been seasick.

Actually, it was quite
something else.
Everybody's been seasick.

At least it'II give them
something to talk about
at dinner.

How sick they were,
what they ate.

Daddy says it's surprising
what people will talk about

to make
themselves interesting.

(SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

I can't do that.
Oh, yes, you can.

I'II show you.

There. Isn't it wonderful?

I think dancing
stimulates conversation.

Wasn't it Aristotle
who used to walk and Iecture

around the Lyceum
and talk of the soul?

Though Daddy says
he never had a clear idea
of what the soul is.

But Daddy has.

He says the soul is desire.

And that the whole
of life is desire.
(VOICE VIBRATES)

I think it's a wonderful idea.

Well, if you can't shimmy,
we'll just dance ordinary.

Do you believe
in the immortality
of the soul?

Well...
Daddy does.
He believes that when we die,

our souls go on until they're
reborn again through love.

Love?
You don't believe in love?

Well, I...
Daddy does.

He loves everybody,
except the communists.
(LAUGHS)

You're in the diplomatic
service, aren't you?
Yes.

How boring it must be
to be diplomatic
to everyone.

But you're
Ambassador to Arabia,
aren't you?

Yes, I...
Have you been there before?

Oh, yes.

Do tell me about it.
I adore Arabs.

Well, the Arabs
are very inter...

Quite a Crowd tonight.

You'd never suspect
that most of them
have been seasick.

One passenger has been
confined to her Cabin
ever since we left Hong Kong.

Her empty chair
is next to mine
in the dining room.

I'm so intrigued to see
what she looks like.

(KNOCKING FIVE TIMES
IN RHYTHIVI)
It's Harvey!

Peek-a-boo.

Well, I... I see
you're enjoying yourself.

I just thought I'd come down
to see that you weren't
getting into any mischief.

Mischief?
Well, it's a difficult
situation.

(SIGHS) I'II be glad
when it's over.

You really think
you'll be able
to land in the States?

Oh, yes.

I sincerely wish you
all the luck in the world.

And I know Ogden does.

Ogden?

Oh, yes, he...
He speaks very well of you.

That's surprising.

Well, it's all difficult.

These close quarters.
He's very suspicious.
You're very attractive.

That's what
he's fighting against.

He seems to have won.

Unfortunately,
it started out
the wrong way.

But he'll miss you.
Hmm.

Oh, yes.
He said so himself.

He'II be only too glad
to get rid of me.

Mmm... I don't know.

What's he doing upstairs?
Dancing with some
young blonde.

Is she pretty?
Well, she's young.

Hey, what are you doing?
You put the five
in the wrong place.

(DOOR UNLOCKING)

Oh. Electrician, sir,

to fix the lights
in the sitting room
and the bedroom.

Could you come back
in half an hour?
Very well, sir.

It's the electrician
to fix the lights here
and in the bedroom.

They've been here
every 'IO minutes,
rapping on the door.

Now they have a passkey.
I don't like
that passkey business.

I think you'd be safer
upstairs dancing.

Ogden would be furious.

Oh, no. Not when I tell him
about the electrician
with the passkey.

Well, if I'm caught,
it's better to be upstairs
than down here.

Ah. Now that's the spirit!
Listen, if you stay down here,
you'll go stir crazy.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING
WALTZ MUSIC)

You stay here.
I'II find Ogden.
Don't leave me alone!

No,no,no.
I'II only be a minute.

Excuse me. May I have
the pleasure of this dance?
(GAS PS)

Harvey! Harvey!

No, no. It's all right.
Go ahead.

How do you do?
Thank you.
I'II meet you back here.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Why aren't
you dancing, Captain?

I was just about to ask
this very attractive
younglady.

You better be nice to him.
We're all under his control,
you know.

I've been wondering about
the immortality of the soul.

BANDLEADER:
Change your partners.

Change your partners.

I don't think I've seen you
throughout the voyage.

But of course,
you're the lady who's been
confined to her Cabin.

Yes, yes.

It's a pity you're such
a poor sailor.

However,
that's our misfortune.

Change your partners.
Thank you so much.

Why did you leave the room?

The electricians
wanted to fix the lights.
They have a passkey.

You mean they saw you?
Of course not.

Harvey answered the door.
What was he doing in there?

I'm Iucky he was there.
Othervvise, they would
have seen me.

What were you
and the Captain
talking about?

He asked me
if I was enjoying the trip.

What did you tell him?
I said every moment of it.

Change your partners.

Natascha! What are you doing
away from Hong Kong?

I'm going to San Francisco.
Alone?

I'm looking for a job.

You don't have
to look far, honey.
l'II give you a job.

Oh, no. I'm not looking
for that kind of work.

(CHUCKUNG)

Where have you been?
I haven't seen you around
the whole trip.

I've been confined
to my Cabin.

What, have you been
hiding from someone?

Mmm... I've been
very, very sick.
Where is your Cabin?

None of your business.
AII right, I'II find out
from the purser.

(TRUMPET PLAYING)

Let's go to the bar
and have a drink.

Oh, no, I'm very tired.
I'm going to bed.

Then l'll go with you.
Oh, no, you won't.

Then have a drink.
No, I'm going
straight to my Cabin.

Listen, you can't
get rid of me that easy.

I'm either
going to your Cabin

or we're going
to have a drink.

I'II have a drink.

I told her
to meet me here.
Where are they?

Oh, there they are
at the bar.

I wonder what
they're talking about.
Let's go and listen.

(COUGHING)

Yes, sir.
A martini.

And you?
Beer

Hey, come on now, honey,
where is your Cabin?

Wouldn't you like to know?
Oh, come clean, honey.
Don't play the Virgin.

Virgin? What's that?

I see
I'II have to teach you
the facts of life.

Now listen, honey, I...

Still playing
hard to get, eh?
No, hard to please.

What's wrong with me?
Have I got Ieprosy
or something?

Yes.

Whether I have or not,
I'm going with you.

They must be
in the other corridor.

I'II go round,
meet them face on.

OkaY-

Oh, Natascha, come on.
Really, I must say
good night.

Why the anticlimax?
Hey, hello, chum!
How've you been?

Say, how's the wife?
Who are you?

Are you kidding?
I'm the brother of that guy
who sold you the used Pontiac.

Come on now.
Let's have a drink.
I don't know you.

Of course you do.
You've been talking
to my sister all night.

That's not your sister.
It's not my uncle.

(KNOCKING SEVEN TIMES
IN RHYTHIVI)
Ogden.

I hope you enjoyed yourself,
Ietting everybody know
you were here.

Flaunting and parading
around this ship.

What are you trying to do?
Ruin my career, destroy me?

You know, I was beginning
to believe in you,
to trust you.

I thought there was
something decent,
something worthwhile.

But you're just
a common harlot.

Dragging me into
your sordid intrigues.

Leering into the face of that
stupid paramour of yours.

Why don't you go and hide
in his Cabin?

Why don't you torment him?

I won't torment you
anylongen

It has not been cheerful
for me either

having to endure
your contempt every day.

I thought I could take it,
but I can't.

You win.

(GROANS) No. No, I won't.

You're crazy.

Maybe.

Where are you going?
To the purser
and give myself up.

Oh, don't worry.
I'II keep your spotless
reputation out of it.

I'II tell him
I've been hiding
in second class.

Why this sudden change
of attitude?

Why yours?
You know why.

Good morning, purser.
Could you tell me the Cabin
number of Ms. Natascha...

I don't know her other name,
but I know her quite well.

Perhaps you mean
Ms. Gaulswallow.
Who?

Gaulswallow.

Uh, yeah, I guess so.
I don't think she wants
to be distu rbed.

Okay, but I'd like to
send her some flowers.

(SNIFFING)

Flowers for
Ms. Gaulswallow.

Oh, dear, dear.
I don't know him.

Oh, take them away.
They take up all the oxygen.

They take up
all the oxygen.

Anna Pooh, my old friend.

Oh, that red tongue!

Nurse!

Oh, take my Russian
friend away.

He's too big

and I don't Iike
his red tongue.

Oh, oh, more colors.

Oh, not that.
No more of that. No.

Idon%Hke
the green either.
Put that right away.

Ooh! How awful.

In the drawer, please.

Give me the chocolates.

The Captain, madam.

Well, I... I...

Captain!
Oh, how nice of you.

Chocolates.

Oh, how perfectly charming.

(SIGHS) Nurse, will you
put these by the porthole?

Just the sort of thing
my nephews will enjoy.

Nurse! My thermometer.

Give it to me.
l'll shake the thing myself.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Nurse, where's my thermometer?

I've lost my thermometer.
Or did I swallow it?

MS. GAULSWALLOW: Come in!

What was that?
Something flew in
and then flew out.

Must have been a bat.
(LAUGHING)

The man that looked after you
since you were 14,
was he a White Russian?

Yes.

Was he married?

Yes.
Separated from his wife.

He was a desperate man.

They say he was a gangster,
but he was very kind to me.

God knows
what I would have done
without him.

Did you love him?

I was too young.

How old was he?

Sixty-three when he died.

What's the matter?

Me? Nothing.

Are you sure?
Of course.

At 10:00, I have to look
for Crawford and send
some cablegrams.

You look worried.

(SIG-HS) I'm just wondering
how you're going to land
in the States.

Please don't worry about it.

You have to be realistic.
In two days, you're going
to be in Hawaii.

Yes, I'm getting off there.
It will be easier getting
into the States that way.

Suppose you get into trouble.
Whatever happens,
you won't be involved.

You have to be
realistic, face facts.
What are your plans?

I can supply you with money,
but suppose you do get
into trouble?

I'd Iike to be of some help.
Please don't feel obligated.

The moment
we arrive in Honolulu,
I shall have vanished.

You're so remote,
so alone.

That's what saddens me.

Don't be sad.
That's too easy.

Be like me.

At this moment,
I'm very happy.

This moment.

That's all we can ask for.

This moment.

(CHUCKLES)
There'II be many moments.

I wonder.

Of course.

Our lives are so different,
so far apart.

No need to be,
if we're discreet.

I hate to leave,
but it's 10:00

and I have to send
those cablegrams.

Oh. Don't worry.

I want to help, and I can.

But I must
know your plans.

And meanwhile, don't vanish.
We still have two more days.

I won't.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
It's Harvey.

(LAUGHS) Good morning.

I just met your boyfriend
who pursued you last night.

He's still roaming
all around the boat,

looking for
your room number.

Am I intruding?
(SNIFFLES)

Two more days.

Yep. I could see it coming.

Both of you falling in love.

I don't know about Ogden,

but this is
a new experience for me.

Well, it happens in the best
of regulated families.

I don't want
to fall in love.

I think he's very
fond of you.

However, if you ever
got into trouble,

his friendship
could be very useful.

Oh, it's all so hopeless.

I don't agree.

Well, in two days,
it will be over.

You're leaving
at Honolulu?
Yes.

Have you thought about
what you're going to do?

I have a plan.

Well, it better be
a good one.

Harvey?

Ifl tell you, promise me
you won't tell Ogden.

Why?
He's very conservative.
He might object.

What are you going to do?
Dive off the boat.

Oh, honey, where did
you get that idea?
You'll break your neck!

Oh, no, no. In Hawaii,
they come around in little
boats and dive for money.

Some climb aboard
and dive off the boat.
I can do that.

(ON RADIO)
J" Why do stars
shine so bright

J* Why does the nightingale
sing at night

J" Because they believe
in Iove J”

(MUSIC FADES AWAY)

(MUSIC STARTS LOUDLY)

J" Why should I
look and sigh

How fortunate that
my chair's next to yours.

J” I believe in Iove J”

Here, l'll turn this off.

Now we can talk.

But I'm interrupting
your reading.
How inconsiderate of me.

Nothing's more annoying
than to have someone
interrupt your reading.

Daddy says it's a lack
of consideration
for other people.

Where's your friend,
the Ambassador?

He seems to have
erased himself completely
during the voyage.

Daddy says that people
who erase themselves usually
have a profound shyness

which really means
that they're afraid
of exposing themselves.

Hmm.

Oh, the silence
is frightening.

Would you like
some more music?

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Mrs. Martha Mears,
wife of Ambassador Ogden Mears

will await
her husband's arrival
in Honolulu this evening.

Rumors have been rife that
the Ambassador and his wife

are getting a divorce.

Nevertheless, Mrs. Ogden Mears
says she will accompany
her husband to Washington.

He's getting a divorce!
Excuse me.

Your wife's waiting
for you in Honolulu.
It just came over the radio.

I know.
I just got a telegram.

She's coming aboard
this evening

and she's not
getting a divorce.

What about Natascha?

Oh, that's the problem.

You've got to think fast.
We arrive at 9:30.

You've got to get her
out of your Cabin!
Oh, where's she gonna go?

Well, she can sleep
in my Cabin.
That's out.

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

You didn't Iet me finish.

I could double in
with Crawford or Hudson.

Crawford and Hudson
are staying
with two other fellows.

You can't let her stay
where she is.
Well, obviously not.

I've got it. You can say
she's married to Hudson.

Hudson?

Say, that's an idea.
You know, if she was married
to an American Citizen

she could get
into the States
without any trouble.

You wish to see me, sir?
Yes, Hudson. Sit down.

Thank you, sir.

Would you like a drink?
Uh, no, thank you, sir.

Uh, Hudson, you are
an American Citizen,
aren't you?

I've been
an American Citizen
for the past 16 years, sir.

Good. I want you
to do me a favor.
Yes, sir.

You remember that extremely
attractive lady that I was
dancing with last night?

I do, sir.

Well, Iwant you
to marry her.

Marry who, sir?
The lady I just mentioned.

It'll only be
a temporary affair

and then aftervvards,
you can get a divorce.

If I may say so, sir,
this is rather sudden.

I think I will take
a brandy after all, sir.

I agree it's somewhat
extemporaneous,

but it's a matter
of urgency.

You see,
if the lady is married
to an American Citizen

she'II have little trouble
getting into
the United States.

And when does
all this happen, sir?

Oh, in about 10 minutes.

I still have to speak
to the lady, of course.
She doesn't know yet?

Oh, no, not yet.
But, uh, don't worry.
We're arranging that.

I think you should
be married before Iunch.

Uh, you will
have a brandy?

Make it a double,
if you please, sir.

Double brandy, please.
I'II have the same.

Yes, sir.
Thank you.

If I might ask a rather
connubial question, sir,

what happens this evening,
that is, tonight?

After the marriage.

Oh, nothing that
concerns you, Hudson.

You'll be sleeping
in the same room,

but in different beds,
of course.

I think you should be
getting yourself ready.

Uh, I think you can wear
an Ordinary lounge suit
for the wedding.

Yes, sir.
Fine.

And, uh, while
you're getting dressed,
I'II talk to the lady.

Thank you.

(KNOCKING SEVEN TIMES
IN RHYTHM)

What's this I hear?
I'm to marry Hudson?

Well, it's an emergency.
Yes, but Hudson!

Well, I think it'll solve
all our problems.

You'll be married
to an American Citizen.

You'll have little
or no trouble
getting into the States

and, uh, aftervvards
you can get a divorce.

But I've got nothing to wear.
I mean, I can't get married
in your pajamas.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Harvey!

Well, it's all arranged.
Captain'II be down
in a couple minutes.

What did you tell him?

I gave him aline
about how her papers
blew overboard.

She met Hudson,
they fell in love.
Well, the Captain's on.

He pretty well understands
the situation,
but it's gonna cost you dough.

Well, how's the happy bride?

Oh, Iwish I were back
in Hong Kong.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

That's the Captain.

How do you do, sir?
How do you do?

Captain, you understand
this is to be kept
strictly confidential.

I quite understand,
Mr. Mears.

Mr. Harvey
has explained everything.

Good. And I assure you
it will be deeply
appreciated.

We're only too pleased
to help out in such matters.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Who is it?
Hudson, sir.

Hudson, you're Iate.
I'm sorry, sir.

Captain, I'd like
to present Hudson,
the, uh, bridegroom.

How do you do?
Now, uh, where's
the bride?

Oh, I believe
she's still dressing.

Are you ready?

Oh, the Captain.
It's all too big.
Nothing fits! Look!

You're losing weight.
You've been dieting too much.

Well, let's get on with it.

Countess, bridegroom.

Mr. Harvey,
you're the best man.
Mr. Ogden, the Witness.

We'll fill out
the forms later.

Now then, um...

Do you, uh,
Henry Lewisham
Arthur Hudson

take this woman to be
your Iawful wedded wife

till death do you part?

Oh! Oh!

OGDEN: Well,
he's just over-excited.

Water!

Hudson, whatever
made you faint?

I'm sorry, sir. I suppose
it was the excitement
of those drastic words.

Drastic?
"Till death do us part."

That's no reflection on you,
madam, of course.

Now what's going to happen?

Well, that's what
I would like to know.

Nothing's going to happen.
You'll retire as usual.

Hudson will sleep
in the same room,

but in the other bed
of course.

I hope so.
The other bed.
The one near the door.

Just not
to obfuscate matters.

Listen, this marriage
is just a formality.

The moment we get ashore,
I want a divorce.

Madam, whatever
your desire is.

I am always
at your service.
(NATASCHA SCOFFS)

Hudson,donWIet
the champagne
go to your head.

Better go to bed.
Very well, sir.
Good night, Mr. Ogden.

Good night.
Good night, Mr. Harvey.

Madam, I presume
I'II see you later.

OGDEN:
Where are you going, Hudson?
There's the bedroom.

The whole thing
is an awful mess.

Well, this is
Harvey's idea.

Why can't I sleep
on the sofa?

Natascha, let's not go
into all that again.
Where do you sleep?

I have to sit up and explain
the situation to Martha.

Well, why don't you have
the Captain explain?
(CAR HORN HONKING)

He's gone ashore.

If Martha finds you here
without an explanation,
it's gonna create scandal.

I hate to interrupt.
But I think Martha just
drove up in a Cadillac.

Natascha, please,
please go to bed!
How can I with that man?

(DOORBELL BUZZING)
(NATASCHA GASPS)

(GASPS)

There's no lock
on this door.

That man is crazy.
Oh, Natascha,
please go to bed.

To think of having
to do all this to get
a passport. Huh!

Ice water, sir.
Oh.

I'II check to see
if Martha's arrived yet.
Okay.

(HUDSON GARGLING LOUDLY)

Good night.

Oh!

In the excitement,
I forgot to brush my teeth.

(BRUSHING TEETH)

(HUDSON SPITS)

Boo!

Good night.

Ah!

(DOOR OPENS)

Hudson, find me
some pajamas.

Oh, you've got mine on.
Well, find me something
to sleep in.

Hasn't she arrived yet?
No, not yet.
Expected momentarily.

I'm so nervous.
Natascha, don't worry.

Please, don't worry.

Everything will work out
the minute we Can
get you ashore.

Do you require
a valise, sir?
Uh, no, I'II take them.

Thank you.

Now, trust me.

Good night, Hudson.
Good night, sir.

HARVEY: Harvey.

I just heard from Martha.
She won't be coming aboard
till 12:00 tomorrow.

(CLEARS TH ROAT)
Good night, Harv.

Hudson_.
(GASPS)

In the other room.
I'm Sleeping here tonight.
Oh.

Yes, sir.

Good night, sir.
Good night.

Oh! Oh.

May I come in?
(GASPS)

Excuse me.
My medicine.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)
STEWARD: Mr. Hudson?

(GRUNTS)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)
Mr. Hudson,
your tea, sir.

Oh! Wait a moment!
Oh!

Good morning, sir.
Congratulations.

Huh.

Good morning, madam.
Your tea.

Mmm.

Would you like
to order breakfast, sir?
Hmm?

Oh.

I think I'II have
the oatmeal porridge,
the English pork sausages...

Oh, pardon me, madam.
What would you like
for breakfast?

Eggs and bacon,
toast and coffee.

Eggs and bacon,
toast and coffee.

(HORNS HONKING)

I hate to disturb you,
Mr. Ogden, but there's
a little trouble

about Mrs. Hudson's papers
having been blown overboard.

They say the marriage
is not legal

unless she produces
her identification papers.

Well, what do they expect
the lady to do,

jump in the middle
of the Pacific Ocean
and recover her papers?

They were
blown overboard.

Unfortunately,
there's a report

that a lady stowaway
is aboard,

and of course
they're taking
every precaution.

Well, what's a stowaway
got to do with it?

AII that's involved here
is a marriage.

You were witness to that,
and you married them.

Nevertheless, they want
to see the Iady's passport.

Passport? She doesn't
need a passport to go ashore
in Honolulu.

She's married
to an American Citizen.

Quite so. But if her papers
of identification are missing

then a marriage at sea
is not recognized.

She's an alien and will have
to go before an Immigration
Board of Inquiry.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

The purser's asked
to see you, sir.

Yes, of course.
l'll see him right away.

If you'll excuse me,
Iadies and gentlemen.

It's time for me
to disappear.

Why? The Captain
married you
and that's a legal fact.

But the marriage has not yet
been consummated, sir.

Yet? (SCOFFS)

Hudson, your mind
is running in
another channel.

Now, the important thing
is the papers.

What are you gonna tell them
about the papers?

Mr. Ogden didn't tell me
anything about papers, sir.

Her identification papers,
her birth Certificate,
herpasspod!

We've been
all through that with you.

Now, what are you
gonna tell them?

Oh, that.
I shall tell them the truth,
as you told me.

As I told you?

No, sir. As you told me
to tell it.

Look,
I didn't tell you anything.
Now, you remember that.

Yes, sir.
Now, go ahead.

Well, I can only tell them
how I met my first wife.

How you first
met your wife. Oh!

Well, it was
a breezy afternoon.

I was walking
on the top deck,

and there she was,
holding down some papers
in her lap,

it was love
at first sight.

Ugh!

Hurry up and get
to the point, Hudson.
Yes, sir.

Suddenly, there was
a gust of wind,
and the papers blew overboard.

Hudson, you have
Iiterary talent.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

I think we better go,
Mr. Hudson.

The immigration officials
are waiting.

No, now wait
just one moment.

I think I should go
with Hudson.

An excellent idea,
Mr. Mears.

Your presence
will be efficacious.

Would you like me
to go along, too?

No, no,
I want you to stay here
and look after Natascha.

Don't worry.

Mr. Mears,
I think we better go.

Come along, Hudson.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Harvey, you remember what
I told you about Honolulu?

You're not going
to dive off the boat?
Now is the time.

While they're
questioning Hudson.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(CROWD GASPING)

Hey, I'II see you
on the beach at Waikiki.

Mmm-hmm.

If I'm far off,
you'll jump up and down,
then I'II recognize you.

Mmm.

So ifl make it,
I'II see you later.

MAN: Hmm.
Here's another one.
(CROWD MURMURING)

If you make it?

Wait a minute!

What do you mean,
if you make it?

I'm scared.
What?

And here goes.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(APPLAUDING)

What's going on out there?
That's a Hawaiian
diving off the boat.

Now, Mr. Hudson,
we'd like to see
your wife.

I believe she's taking
a bath, sir.

Oh, my. How nice.

Maria?
Oui?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

Ah, Martha!
Hello, Harvey.

Oh, what comfortable
quarters you have.
Oh, yes.

Lovely. Where's Ogden?

Uh, he's up in the lounge
with Hudson.

Of course, you know,
Hudson's married now.

Hudson married?
Oh, really? That's odd.

Yes. Ah, well,
the Captain married them.

Can I get you something?

No, it's much too early.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Captain, this is
Mrs. Ogden Mears.

How do you do? Pardon me.
How do you do?

We're still waiting
for Mrs. Hudson.
Oh, she's taking a bath.

Uh, she should
be finished by now.
I'II go and see.

Well.

Can I get you something,
Captain?

No, thanks. But if you
don't mind my waiting.

It's quite all right.

(EXHALES)

Hello, Martha.
Hello, Ogden.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, you've met
the Captain.

Yes, of course.
We're looking
for Mrs. Hudson.

You see,
the immigration officers
are out in the lounge

and I don't Iike
to keep them waiting.

She's not in the bathroom.
I looked all over.

Well, it's very serious.

It means that without her
identification papers,

she can't
land anywhere.

She doesn't exist.

Well, if she doesn't exist,
there's no problem.

Well, I think we should
look for her.

It might be a good idea

if you had another look
at the bathroom.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Martha, would you
excuse us for a moment?

AII right, Captain.

Hey!

Waikiki?
DRIVER: Hop in
the back, sister.

Thank you!

Whew!
That's the strangest thing
I've ever known.

She's disappeared.

Well, I think
we better search
the entire boat.

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

Good morning, madam.

Congratulations, Hudson.
I hear you're married now.

Well, in a way, yes.

Hudson, what do you mean?

The marriage has not yet
been consummated.

What is she,
an American?

No, madam,
she is from Hong Kong.

Chinese?
I shouldn't think so, madam,

I believe she is
a Russian emigre.

Well, I should like
to meet her.

I'II do my best, madam.

(CHUCKLES) Well.

Well, Hudson,
it seems as though
your wife has disappeared.

Oh, that's awful.
Poor Hudson.

I was beginning to grow
very fond of her.

Hudson, what have you
done to the lady?

Oh, nothing, madam.
The marriage
was never consummated.

Hudson,
you've got "consummated"
on the brain.

Well, I think l'll go ashore
and do some shopping.

I think I'II go
with you, Harvey.

Oh, don't go yet, Ogden.
I've just ordered some Iunch,

and there's one or two things
I'd like to discuss with you.

Very well, I'II stay
and have something
with you.

What has madam ordered?
A consummated soup, sir.

What's that?
(STAMMERING) Consomme, sir.

Cold chicken, asparagus
and a bottle of Chablis.

AII right,
I'II have the same.
I'II see you both later.

At the Waikiki Hotel,

Uh, you may go, Hudson.

Did you hear
from Washington?

I, uh, got this letter
this morning.

Well, here's
the substance of it

"To allay
rumors of divorce,

"I think Martha and you
should return
to the States together.

"I advise this because
of my great affection
for you both." Etc, etc, etc.

So...

Well, if this arrangement
doesn't work out

how will it affect
my divorce settlement?

You can put that in escrow.

Unfortunately, Ogden, the only
interest I have is money,
having had no children.

Am I to blame for that?
No.

No, neither one of us
is to blame.

The desire for happiness
fooled us both.

Happiness, eh?

I was going to say "Iove,"

but I don't think
either one of us knows
what the word means.

Well, in any case,
what are you gonna do
about Washington?

Well...

I don't look forward
to spending the rest
of my life in Saudi Arabia.

Listen, she has
long dark hair,

wears a sarong and looks
very much like a Hawaiian.

There's a Iot of dames
look like that around here.

But she said she'd meet me
on the beach at Waikiki.

(CHUCKLES) I think
she's kidding you.
Maybe.

Where's the beach
at Waikiki?

Well, that's
the Waikiki Hotel.

Can I check
this suitcase, please?
Certainly, sir.

(BELL RINGING)
What name?

Uh, Harvey Crothers.

Check Mr. Crothers' case
into the cloakroom.

Is the Waikiki Beach
near here?

It's just outside, sir.

That's strange.

I can't stop!
Oh.

Oh! AII this jumping
up and down
is like running 10 miles.

Harvey, it's so good
to see you again.

Let's sit down.
(PANTING)

(BOTH EXHALE)

I didn't think
I'd see you again

after that dive.
It was perfect.

What's happening
on the boat?

Oh, they're still waiting
for you in the lounge.

And Ogden?
He's with his wife.

Yes.

On the way down,
I bought you some clothes.

Oh, I know the other ones
were too big.

These are smaller.

There's a place
you can change
right next to the pool.

Meanwhile, l'll book you
a room at the hotel.

They might be looking
for Mrs. Hudson.
Not a chance.

I'II book them
under my name.

For the time being,
you're Mrs. Harvey Crothers.

Remember me? Mr. Crothers.
Yes, sir.

I'd like an outside suite.
Certainly, sir.
For yourself?

No, for my wife. I'm leaving
for the mainland.
Very well, sir.

Do you wish
to see the rooms now?

Oh, no,
I'II wait for my wife.

Fine.
Well, here she...

Well!
Itdoesn%fH.
This is too tight.

(BREATH ES HEAVILY)

I can't breathe.
(COUGHS)

You dropped your change.

(CLEARS TH ROAT)
Will you sign the register,
Mrs. Crothers?

C-R-O...
T-H...

She's not here.

Let's have some tea.
Yeah.

Ah, there he is.

Harvey,
I'm so sorry I'm Iate.

I had to leave Ogden
with the immigration
authorities.

It seems they're still
looking for Hudson's wife.

Ah, yes.
(SUITCASES THUD)

There she is.

Oh, Hudson, you haven't
been drinking before Iunch,
have you now?

The poor man is so distressed
since his wife went away.

Do you know
that's the third person
he's mistaken for his wife?

(CHUCKLES) Oh...
I beg your pardon.

Martha, this is my wife,
Mrs. Crothers.

Mrs. Ogden Mears.
How do you do?

How do you do?

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

You know,
Harvey is so secretive.

He never told me a word
about his marriage.

Oh, well,
there's not much to tell.

We haven't been
married long, have we?

But as soon
as something develops,
we'll let you know.

No, I mean,
when did you marry?

(LAUGHS) That's the secret.

Well, however, you must bring
your wife to Arabia once
we've refurbished the Embassy,

but not before,
otherwise you'll have
to sleep

in a tent
like the rest of us.

A tent? Well,
that's rather romantic.

Thatdepends
with whom
you share it.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)
Hmm.

Martha, would you
like to dance?
I'd love it.

It'II give me a chance
to give some advice
to the Iovelorn.

This is the first chance
I've had to speak
to you alone.

There's very little time,
and I've a Iot to tell you.

Harvey will be staying behind,
so I'II be in touch with you
through him.

He'll be working
on a passport for you.

Martha's coming with me.
That's...

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

I got a letter
from Washington
saying that Martha

should go
with me to Saudi Arabia

for appearances' sake.
Of course.

Please try to understand.

Of course.

For appearances' sake.

For the esteem of people
I don't give a damn about.

If I had the guts,
I'd rid myself
of the whole thing:

Washington, Saudi Arabia
and everything.

You can't do that.

Be careful,
we're being watched.

The legal eye is upon us.

But you must believe me
when I tell you

that this is the first
real happiness I've known.

I love you very much.

Your wife looks sad.
You think so?

What nonsense.
She's not your wife.

Martha,
now you're being silly.

Not as silly
as you think.

I've been talking to someone
who knew her in Hong Kong.

The boat passes here
at 11:00.

I'II be on deck imagining
that you're sitting here
at this table.

Let's dance.
I can't.

I must go to my room
before your wife returns.

I can't say goodbye.
I can't trust myself.

Will you excuse me?

Well, goodbye.
Harvey will take care
of everything.

AII right. Thank you.

What's happened
to Mrs. Crothers?

Oh, she had
a splitting headache

and asked
to be excused, Martha.

She won't be
seeing us off?
I don't think so.

She's going straight
to her room to bed.

Well, can't we just go up
and see her for a moment?

Well, I think
it'II be best
to let her rest quietly.

Pardon me, madam,
but it's time
to leave for the boat.

Oh, so soon? Well...

Hudson, Iwill need
these three closets

and Mr. Ogden Mears
can have the end one.

Very well, madam.

Your big trunks
I'm having put
in the hold, sir,

so there'II be more room
for madam's Wardrobe.

Okay, Hudson.

Voila.

Hudson, have you found
your wife yet?
Not yet, madam.

Well, surely you're not
going to leave without her.

Whatever happens,
madam,

I shall deport myself
as a husband
and a gentleman.

Maria.

Merci.

Oh! What's this?

Hudson, does this belong
to your wife?

Ihaven%
the faintest idea, madam.

We haven't been married
that long.

(CHUCKLES) Oh!

Perhaps you might know
something about this,
Your Excellency.

It looks like
a two-ring Circus.

Ogden, you must be losing
your sense of propriety.

You not only humiliate me
in front of people,

but you insult my intelligence
by introducing that woman
as Mrs. Harvey Crothers,

and then again as Mrs. Hudson
when she's sleeping here
in your Cabin.

As Ambassador
to Saudi Arabia,

it is not exactly
comme il faut

to include in your entourage
the mistress of a gangster.

A prostitute.

I wonder what your fate
would have been if you'd been
in similar circumstances.

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)
(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(BAND PLAYING AULD LANG SYNE)

(CHEERING)

Hello.

Hello, Harvey? Ogden.
Ogden, haven't you Ieft yet?

No, I got off
with the pilot boat.
Well, what happened?

I don't know.
I just couldn't take it.

Aren't you
going to Washington?
What about your career?

I'd rather be happy
than president.
Listen, where is everybody?

You know who, your wife.
Pardon me, sir.
I think you mean my wife.

Hudson's giving me
an argument here.

Tell him she came down
to the cabaret after you left

and she's been sitting
by the window,

looking out at the sea
ever since.

Did you tell her the news?
Oh, yes.

I told her there was
nothing to worry about.

The immigration people
have given her the benefit
of the doubt.

She's now Hudson's wife,
married to an
American Citizen.

Listen,
don't tell her I'm here.
I want to surprise her.

Ogden!

Well, buddy, I hope
you're doing the right thing.

Where is she?

Right where you Ieft her,
sitting by the window.

Good, listen,
I'II see you
in the morning.

(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)

Yes, sir?

I'm looking
for a young lady.

Ibeüeve
she's sitting alone
by the window.

Yes, sir.

(INAUDIBLE)

Ogden!

See, you can't
get rid of me.

May I have this dance?