All language subtitles for Smartless.On.The.Road.S01E03.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

And people from Boston
like that's how we felt.

What about my
glasses on the end of your
nose and you're reading

'cause you haven't fallen
asleep yet, like you're dad.

It's my fantasy.

"It's my fantasy."

You know that the,
the tale of that, you said,
"That's my fantasy."

What?

- Oh, really?
- I feel like we got it.

- Yeah...
- Yeah, we got it.

Okay.

Can we get a housekeep,
housekeeping up here to go
change my fucking sheets...

I'm so sorry, we're in there
with our day clothes.

Ugh.

You need to see if it
was in my bed, we'd have to do
full change out of linen.

Smart... less.

Smart... less.

- So, Jay, for your
second guest...
- Yeah.

...at a certain
point, we're going to go,
we got a question from,

from somebody
who's also a fan of the show
and they're actually here.

Have Bradley walk on...

- Bradley Cooper
- Bradley Cooper.

Okay.

Bradley just texted, he said,

"I come out,
I sit down and say,

'to be honest, I,
I don't really have
a question.

I just wanted to sit
with you guys.-"

- Great. Even better.
- Yeah.

Is that enough of a cover
for the original guest

to feel like they're--

I, I want to protect
their feelings...

Well, well, he,
so he also was very
aware of that when,

when we just thought
that he doesn't want to,
like, step on her,

on her toes, he was very,
that was the first thing
Bradley said...

Do you think
it's a female?

- Well, yes.
- Why?

Because somebody said she.

Yeah. Okay.

It only, it narrows it down
to half the population...

It, it has to.
52 percent.

You know what?
I'm bummed about last night.

It was tough.
I just don't want to talk
about it.

I mean, I would with you,
not with them around.

Yeah, yeah.

No, there he is.

There she is.
Oh, that's...

What up, bitch?

Gentlemen, how are we?

The second show was a brutal.

We got killed
on social media.

Yeah.

It is to be expected.

Huh?

That's what happens.

We had a conversation.

We're back on track.

And I reminded everybody
that we're in show business.

Here. Love you.

We also have a secret
weapons guest surprise
that I put together,

who's going to come on
in the middle.

- Tonight?
- Tonight.

So, I thought
a little bit further about
what the intro should be

for Bradley, so that it's not
a wah-wah, because I'm going
to have to do it,

is we have a friend
who's a huge fan of yours,
wanted to meet you,

so come on out and meet
blah, blah, blah
and then boom, he's on.

And that, that way it makes
the guest feel great...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, that's...
- Cool.

You're cool with that?
Okay, good.

I see the theater.

Oh, there's our little,
we, we're on the...

- Marquee.
- Marquee.

I can feel the energy.

Good morning.

- Hi.
- Good morning.
Good morning.

Hi.

Holy shit.

- Nice.
- Pretty, wow.

Holy...

This is amazing.

Beautiful.

No, I meant
that they will be able to get

all the Ozark fans
together in one place.

Why don't we go
down a size?

Yeah,
let's go down a size.

- All right, now...
- You know,
we'll just hide all the--

- You okay?
- Yeah.

I'm just fucking tired.

I, I just did not sleep a lot.

Yeah.
We have now almost an hour.

You want to close your eyes?

I don't know.

I'm gonna sleep.
You wanna sit in here?

How is this following
us everywhere?

I can't, I can't resist.

- Did you sleep, Eli?
- Oh, yeah.

- Did you?
- I slept till, like, 2:30.

- No way.
- Yeah.

Last night
just killed me.

I'd just come off that bad
show and then stuck
at the airport all night.

- It's just, what a blow.
- I know, right?

Really kind of sucked
the air out of the tour
a little bit.

We all have got to find
it tonight.

I mean, what a fucking
awful evening...

You know,
when you're the most tired,
you pull...

That's true.
That's true.

You guys are going to be,
it's going to be a runway...

But that's a lot of rabbits
for six hours.

It's going to be a runaway
train though. It's gonna be...

It's, what time
is it now, five?

Five twenty-six.

So, we have 5:30, 6:30,
7:30, 8:30, 9:30,
10:30, 11:30.

I always worry
when things are too good.

- Yeah, about 8 hours.
- Just think, tomorrow.

Tomorrow is free, clear.

- I know that's true.
- A day of rest.

- Yeah, that's true.
- It's the Lord's Day.

- Yeah, yeah...
- Yeah.

All right.
All right.

Welcome to the Smartless
VIP Q

So, I'm Jaime.

My question is for Jason.

I was in Boston
for both shows last night.

Okay.

Well, so word on the street
is that this was like
a cancellation for someone

- who couldn't make it.
- Not true.

So what,
what was the rationale?

Just like, we, we're going
to learn something?

- The rationale was...
- I'm so glad you asked.

Well, you know, to be honest,
we hear from some of
the people that we trust that,

"Hey, you know,
it's great that you can
get your big, fancy,

famous friends on the show,
but it's really great
when you guys get people

on the show that, that,
you know, are not.

Scientists who's actually
taking big swings
and changing the world.

Yeah.

And sometimes
it's not a big shiny person,
but it's someone

who's actually doing
something really, really cool.

And I think last night
that crowd was late

and they'd been
drinking or what?

I don't know.

Uh, and they were angry
that it wasn't,
you know, and, and...

Yeah,
they're from Boston...

That's the way the show goes.

You know,
we went on tour
with the podcast.

Last night was the podcast...

Right, right.

And it was, it's a grab bag.

It's always
a mystery guest.

It was great.
And he was awesome.

- He really was.
- So...

Bye to you.

You guys thank you so much...

Thank you so much.

So, two shows
last night in Boston,
went to the airport,

10:45, supposed
to get on the plane.

We eventually took off
at 5:45 this morning...

Oh, come on.

And we got to the hotel
this morning at 7:30.

- Are you kidding?
- No.

It wasn't weather, was it?

- Yeah...
- No, it was his...

- It was weather and...
- All his luggage.

- All of his products...
- Luggage.

All of his clothes.

And, and, and I said,
"Where are my 100 Grand Bars?

The whole plan was that
we're going to finish
the second show.

Not even go backstage,
just straight
to the private plane.

They had two deicing
trucks catch on fire...

Wow.

So, we sat in the airport
from 10:30 at night
until six in the morning.

Ten-thirty at night
until six in the morning?
Yeah.

Ouch!

- Ow.
- Oh. Oh, my God.

No.

There's, there's nothing
worse than thinking
that it couldn't be more

convenient than having
our own jet plane.

And then, the next thing
you know, they're putting
a blanket over you...

watching the sun come up.

I got to do
all my audience kills
before every show

and I can just go,
"Her gone, him gone,
them out, them out."

And I just do it purely
by just gut.

That guy, sleeper cell.

Hey, we're going
to hold the show 15 minutes
to get everybody in.

Okay.

I'm just so,
my nerves are fried.

I'm just exhausted.

Yeah.
You'll find it.

You want to do a couple of
laps around the table?

Yes.

Oh, my God, SmartLess...

All right.
Quick power naps, guys.

Oi.

Ten minutes to showtime.

Ten, let's cut
that in half, dog.

Yeah, can we do five?

No, well, let's, they got a,
they got a message.

They got a reason for it.

It's getting crowds in.

There were a lot of people
still loading in last night
when we started too.

Is that what all
the chatter was?

Early on.
The chatter later...

- No, I think it was--
- ...was we were being booed,

quite literally.

I think it was, there were
a lot of people coming.

Texted like,
"My whole section left."

Bullshit.

Well, great.
You know, who...

That's not that many people.

You know who doesn't
trolled on Twitter?

People that loved it,
which is most of them.

Wait,
whose guest was Max?

- It was Jason's guest.
- Ha.

Yeah, wait until you hear
the chatter after me.

What's that old fucker
doing out there?

Tonight,
it's my guest.

So, I get the middle.

That's not always good news.

I am very excited about
my guest tonight.

I am, my heart
is pounding, pounding.

And it's not just
the diet Red Bull.

All right,
granddad needs notes too.

Gang, dash...

Wow, you, you work
hard on these...

No, not these...
Not the punctuation, too.

You don't have to...

We've been going
to different cities,
and in each city,

we are trying to invite
a guest that is part of
its fabric,

its spirit, its soul.

This guy, so now
you know it's a man...

Uh-huh.

Checks the boxes.

- He is also--
- Giuliani!

Is it Giuliani?

Don't, don't turn them
against us already.

He's also an enormous
hero to each of us.

Oh.

He is comedy royalty.

- I know exactly who it is.
- Bullshit.

You don't know who this is...

- I know.
- Fuck you.

Then don't
guess it yet.

- Hold on.
- Mouth it to me.

- And he is...
- No.

...the undisputed
best at what he does.

Sean keeps going
like this. "Martin Short."

Martin Short.

Short.

- Are you finished?
- Sorry.

Gang, dash.

Look...

- Thank you, Sean.
- All right.

He's the undisputed
best at what he does.

No one better.

Period. He has 52 Emmy
nominations to prove it,
along with 12 wins.

He's got a Kennedy Center
Honor, a Mark Twain Award.

Will, Sean, Brooklyn,
please welcome
Mr. David Letterman.

Wow!

Come on, Dave.

Oh!

Wow!

Oh, my God.

- Holy shit, right?
- Jason.

I'm, I'm sitting backstage
listening to you guys...

Thinking about
the mistake you made?

No, and I'm, all I can think
of is I hope this doesn't cut
into my time.

Yeah, sorry.

We have run a little long.

I, I should say that,
and I think I speak for Sean,

but it is such an honor
to have you here.

You have always
truly been one of my...

- Oh, please.
- You know what?

He said he'd speak
for me, but I've never
said anything like that.

Oh.

Sean,
the last few times you were
on the show,

you came on with such
enviable energy,
such good-natured,

likable excellence as a human.

That's the coke.

- Yeah and...
- Fair enough.

when, whenever we would
be talking after the show,
the comment was always,

"Why doesn't Sean
have his own talk show?"

Well,
that's very kind of you.

And if I ever did it,
you are one of the biggest
reasons why I would do it.

The biggest.

Yeah, you are
such a hero of all of us.

Thank you, enough horse shit.
Thank you.

Now, you were on the show
many, many, many times
and wow, can the guy talk?

It was like talking to Charles
Dickens for God sake.

Uh, and then at 10:45,
the people would be
in the broadcast center

editing because
he had gone so long.

I've always
wanted to ask you this.

Some of your colleagues
visit with a guest
before they come out.

You never did that when...

Never would do that. No.

So there was a question
10, 15 minutes ago,

"You're going to go down
and say hi to Dave?"

And I said, "Well, no, he,
he never did that
with any of his guests

I think,
so I probably shouldn't."

- No, I, I appreciate.
- Yes, it was absolutely.

In my case, I can't speak
for the world, but in my case,
that was a good decision.

So 10 minutes ago,
you're down

in the dressing room,
what are you doing?

Everything I know
about, uh, uh, well,
that's none of your business.

But everything I know
about running a talk show,
I learned from Johnny Carson.

Mmm.

- I want the, oh, hi, welcome
to the house moment...
- Sure, right.

And that initial electricity
or lack there of should,

should come naturally.

I will watch reruns
with my husband.

I'm gay, Dave.

I, I would watch.

Still?

Yeah, still.

Yeah.

I am taking every medication,
it's not working.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Oh, my God.

This is awful.

By the way,
if he gets canceled, Dave,
will you fill in for Will?

Dave, you just missed
that cancel culture,
just at the end, yes,

it was happening,
but not at the, at the rate
it's happening now.

- Right.
- Right.

Um, that's all.

Yeah,
do you think the writing...

No, no.

- Do you think...
- Good point.

- do you think that
your writing process...
- Good point.

Do you think
that your writing process
with your staff each night

would have been different
in today's culture?

Yes.
Yes, without question.

And my personal
feeling about this is...

Careful.

And you hear quite
a lot of discussion about,
"Oh, are we too woke or is,

is, are we canceling
too quickly
or are we overcorrecting?"

And I feel like, you know,
let's overcorrect
and see what happens.

There are many,
many things a person
needs to be smart

and sensitive about
that heretofore
perhaps we were not.

- Right, right...
- For sure.

- For sure.
- Yeah, yeah,
agree, agree.

You know,
everybody knows the grind
of a talk show that

you work your balls
off like five days a week.

You're always there.

And because of that,
you tend to have
a more reclusive life.

And people are kind of
amazed when you appear
anywhere because it's like,

"Oh my God, Dave,
it's like a magic trick."

- It's like, somehow--
-"Oh my God,
he's walking upright."

But what do you think
has changed since your show?

You chose to end
your show from then,
and now,

have you evolved
into other than your Netflix,
other than business-wise,

what do you reflect upon now
and think differently about?

Your Honor, can I hear
the question again, please?

- Is that what I sounded like?
- That was not even close...

- That was better.
- oh, that was...

So, it's worse than that?

That was Reader's Digest
compared to you.

I will say that, you know,
many, many things
that are more important

to me now than I knew
they were when I had a show.

I, I really want to know,
what'd you do today?

Are you an early riser?

- Let's start there.
- No, not an early riser.

- Really?
- I go to bed late.

I stay up late watching
climbing movies.

- Truly?
- Oh... oh...

Oh, no, no,
shut up, Will.

Will, oh, God, he loves
climbing stuff.

- Will, wait.
- Alpinist. 14 Peaks.

What about Solo?

Yeah, 14 peaks.

- Excellent. Yeah.
- And we're good.

Did you get heckled
a lot last night...

- For the physicist?
- Yeah, well we did.

I mean, if, if, if, you know,
the sound of seats emptying
counts as heckling, sure.

Sure...

Clearly, there were quite
a few people
that left our set.

Let's go, Carol.

It's your, it's your first, Ellen.

I will say there
is something about

Mount Everest
that's magical to me.

I, I know quite a lot about
Mount Everest
from the two dozen films

I've watched about
climbing Mount Everest.

- Would you?
- Oh, God, no.

- Really?
- Like, well, well,
what do you like about the...

The scenery,
typically lovely.

And the kind of things
I will not see probably
in my lifetime.

Yeah, I felt that way
like when I went to Paris
for the first time,

I was like, "Well,
there's an Eiffel Tower.

It's just like every movie
and postcard.

Got it. I'm ready to go."

Well, when you're climbing
Mount Everest,

every, every film about
climbing Mount Everest, did,

I'm sorry, did I lean
on your laugh there?

No.

You get into what they
call the death zone...

The death zone, yeah.

- Where, where your body
starts consuming itself...
- Yeah.

And, and the air is so thin
and you get dizzy
and you get block-headed.

And I heard one man
describe he was coughing up
tissue from his own throat.

Oh.

So you see why I can't live
without 'em.

Now, you don't do climbing, right?

I don't do climbing either.

My dad climbed Kilimanjaro
when he was about 73...

Oh, 19,000 feet.

What?

Yeah, I always tell these guys
stuff about my dad
and they're like, "What?"

And I'm like,
"Well, you never ask."

You guys never ask
about my dad.

Well...

- It's not, it's not
a happy story.
- Oh.

How do you describe
a black hole?

You know what I mean?

Listen, uh, I don't want
to take any more of your time.

- You're just
an incredible guy.
- I know...

I mean, 58 minutes into this,
you don't want to take
any more of my time?

David Letterman, everybody.

Thank you.

- Woo.
- Thank you.

Oh, my God. I'm still...

I was shaking, man.

- I was shaking
when he came out.
- Vibrating, right?

So, you earned this one.

Oh, my God.

That's a mind blower.

It was the craziest,
most surreal...

And I was like...

I know.
Isn't it wild?

You know, I really
tried to be in the moment
because my go-to thing

in my head my whole life
is to just be like,
"Oh, it's no big deal."

You know what I mean?

It's the thing
where it's like,

"I can't believe
this is happening to me."

So, um, all of this anyway,
by the way.

But so I deflect it because
I don't feel like
I deserve it kind of thing.

And then, but today
I really tried to just
be like, in the moment,

just look at him and go,
"He's sitting right here."

And then I said to Will
as he was walking up,
I go, "Look at him exit,

we'll never have
this view again of,

of this icon just
kind of walking."

Hello. Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I, I, I just
want to thank you,
um, and I'm serious

for the last year,
the people that I know,
they all say,

"Have you been listening
to SmartLess?

You should try
and be on Smartless."

- Okay, Dave, 3, 2, 1.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you, gentlemen.

- Thanks again.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Good luck
and continued success.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

Incredible.
Congratulations.

Thanks, bro...

- Hi, pal...
- Hi.

Have you ever met Sean?

- No, we've never met.
- How are you?

Lovely to meet you.

How was it?
It was good?

Great.

We needed it after last night.

Rough.

It was rough,
but anyway, is what it is,
fucking, you know.

Yeah.

And then, but this tonight
was just like the,
like the perfect antidote.

And it was just like, "Oh."

I love you, guys.

Sean, thank you so much...

- Best night ever.
- Well, we'll chat later.

- Are we going?
- Yep.

- We loved that so much.
- That was so sick.

Here's the reality,
it's awkward no matter what.

- Correct.
- Like, vibing out.

This is the hometown,
you know, team.

It may just breeze through
an hour and just so, you know,
don't be like,

"Oh shit, there's
10 minutes" when that's--

Because you're,
because I was thinking,
if we did bring you out

at minute 30, you're now
obligated to talk about...

What we're thinking,
we just vibe it...

That's what I'm saying,
but I'm saying vibe it,
don't go like 30...

We might save you
for the cherry on top.

If that, is what I'm saying.

If it's going well,
then like...

No, no, no, no.
Don't worry.

- You're coming out.
- You're coming out.

- It's a question of when.
- We're going
to come out.

Hey, listen, I've never really
fully noticed this before
until tonight.

How incredible this is.

Your hair on the outside
of your ears.

No, it looks fucking great.

Yeah, it goes over
the ears, not--

- You look feral.
- You should let it grow.

- He looks fucking feral.
- No, I like, I love it.
It's incredible.

You look feral as shit.

You're the wild man
in this trio.

When are we,
when are we walking?

- At 10:05.
- So, we got 10 minutes.

So, it's just that I'm, I'm,
I've been friends
with these guys

for 20 years,
and he just wants
to be a saint.

Wanted to say hi...

- He's just in
the neighborhood.
- We're so slammed.

Kind of hope you run
into a door again.

Hey, hey...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I better just put out.

Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, my God, wait...

Oh, no.

And I'm telling you,
it's a good guest.

Stuff's been a challenge
for the last few years,
but there are heroes

out there that are working
tirelessly to try to make
it better.

We got one of them
here tonight.

She's one of yours, New York.

She's born in the Bronx,
educated in Boston,
lives a lot in D.C.

And in fact, at 29,
she was the youngest elected
ever to the Congress.

Guys, welcome
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Woah!

Oh!

Thank you
for having me!

This is crazy.

I wish he brought
on somebody with opinions.

Well, first of all,
how often do you get to live
in your home city

and versus living in D.C.?

This is one of the most common
questions I get asked.

- Well.
- It depends on the year...

Yup, off to a great start.

- Right now, it's about half
and half because of COVID.
- Yeah.

Congress is able to vote
by proxy.

Is it like a, a, a button
on Zoom, you just go,
yes or no.

It's yay.

- I'm sorry.
- It's yay or nay.

But imagine
being a millennial
in Congress

and having all of your
colleagues that have been
there for decades

trying to do Zoom
for the first time...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I swear, it's been a journey.

How old were you
when you did your
first primary or whatever?

You were like 27?

I was 27 when I started...

- That's crazy.
- Yeah, that's...

I mean, 27, Sean,
you were making
millions of dollars

a year on Will and Grace.

You know, like everybody's got
humble beginnings, right Sean?

Yeah, and by the way,
and still renting.

No.

So, wait. Let's say there's
a subject that you would like
to pull one of the Republicans

over and meet in the middle.

How does that happen?

- Do you call...
- Or do you text?

"You up, let's
meet in the middle."

A little bit of all of it.

There are group chats,
like that's...

- Really?
- Oh yeah, that's a thing.

Oh, put me in one.

- Yeah.
- Wait a minute,

- that's a dick pic.
- But sometimes...

Yeah.

But it is kind of like
a high school cafeteria,
where sometimes

you're talking to somebody
and somebody's like,

"Well, you know,
you should talk
to that guy over there."

And it's very informal
in that way.

God, I would do really
well there.

You know, there's rules
about being
on the House floor.

You can't, you can't wear coats.

Why?

You can't wear coats,
you can't wear denim,
you, until very recently,

women could not wear
sleeveless dresses.

- Oh.
- Oh, God.

Yeah. It's just, you know,
it's old school like that.

So there's something
called a cloakroom.

- Oh, here we go.
- Harry Potter.

Yes.
There's a lot of Harry
Potters out there...

No, no, Sean, it's not
Harry Potter shit. No.

No, but he's right,
it does sound dope as hell.

Back in the day,
uh, kind of, you know,

in the 1800s and whatnot,
members of Congress,

they would drop their cloaks there.

There used to be chests
where you put it up

and you pull out
huge bottles of booze

and put the booze
in the thing, uh, before
you went on the House floor.

- Little booze cubby.
- They don't have this anymore,
but that's how it was.

And so that's like this
informal socializing space.

And does it feel
a little high school-ish
where like,

you know,
there are people there
that you don't get along with,

they don't get along with you,

they can go nameless.
But I mean, like what happens
when you pass her

in the hallway,
you know, like,

is there a look, is there ever
like, "Hey, you know what?

- Let's hang out this weekend."
- Yeah.

"We can fix this together,"
and, you know?

Some people,
like, actually want
to get to know each other.

Um, but yeah, I mean,
some I mean, listen,

what happens
is that you're sitting
right next to a person,

and it's a really bizarre
experience because the reality
in front of them

is like completely divorced
from the rhetoric

and like all this other stuff
that sometimes
they go on TV and say.

It's weird, but it's like
completely divorced.

- And there's this one
member of Congress...
- Who is it?

I won't say.

He would call me or ask
me a question or something,

and I would walk over
to th Republican side
of the aisle,

sit next to him and freak out
all the other Republicans
in the area.

They'd be like...

Mmm, mmm...

And when January 6th happened,
I just didn't really go over

to that side of the aisle
much anymore.

And he was like, "Hey, Cortez,
why don't you sit down
and talk to me no more?"

And I'm like, "Bro."

Yeah.

Yeah, shit went down.

Remember the bullet holes
that were right there?

- Yeah.
- My God, like...

Remember how you haven't
denounced it once
since the day?

Yeah, like, why?

Why? Like...

Right.

Why did they all leave
once they got in?

Is it because
they couldn't find you guys?

They were hiding
in the cloakroom.

Did they leave because
you guys were properly
stowed away?

Well, like Harry Potter.

- Yeah.
- Like Hogwarts.

Now you got
his attention.

It's very Byzantine.

It's actually really hard
to navigate.

Yeah, that was a crazy,
crazy day.

- And I think we all...
we all remember--
- Oh, was it, Will?

Well, we all remember
where we were that day.

Jason, do you remember,
where you were?

I was with you on the golf course.

Why do you tell yourself...

Well, why do you get
on your high horse

about it with me?

Well, because you said
it was a crazy day,

like, we get it.

Oh, oh, Sean, there's look,
look at the epilepsy.

The epilepsy is coming on.

Just close your eyes, angel.

We got a light flipping out.

We got a light flicker...

Go tap
it and it's gone...

It's gone.

Okay, so you're spending
99 percent of your time

being super duper smart.

What do you do
to be a dumbass?

Because work is so crazy
and, and like,

emotional, etc.,

I have to watch,
like, dumb television.

Yeah, yeah, please say Ozark.

No, like...

I like to watch great comedies.

One of my favorite
is a film that a mutual friend
of ours is in.

And this guy
who is in one of my favorite

comedy movies, comedy
trilogies, um, it's not him.

Oh, wait.

But then, let's thank him, anyways.

It is him.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Bradley Cooper.

Ooh!

Oh, Bradley...

- I had to fix
the light.
- Oh, thank you very much.

That was a setup?

No, I saw, I saw...

- Okay, that was so...
- That was perfect.

Oh, my God.

So, Bradley
called and he said,

"I hear you guys are coming
to town.

Let's all hang out."

And we said, "Well, we're only
in town for a few minutes."

He said, "Well, let me come
by and say hi before
the show."

And I said, "Well, no,
then they're going to know
the guest."

I said, "The only time we got
is on stage,

so please come out
and say hi."

Yeah.

That's amazing.

We kicked off
this whole tour in D.C.

and it's like, wow,
there's so much history

and so much respect once
you go there and see it...

Yeah, man, it's the capitol.

No.

Sean, Sean kept going.

He kept going,
he's on a tangent going,

-"What is this place?"
-"This is where they make
the laws."

"This is where they make,"
and he's, like literally,

"they make the laws there.

They make the laws."

Right?

I mean, this, guys...

And we're like,
"Yeah, we know, man."

I'm like this.

I just want to say
one thing.

And these guys have all been
gun slingers for 20 years.

I mean, they used to talk
about, like, our dreams

and would we ever
be able to fulfill them.

Yeah,
I could only imagine

how fulfilling
it is to be able to celebrate

a friend's victory
when you know

what they went through
to get that.

You know, you're not
meeting someone

at the peak when you've met
someone when they were just,

you know, at their lowest sometimes...

I'm glad you mentioned
Teen Wolf, too, because...

That took a lot of guts.

- Will, she never, she never
said Teen Wolf.
- She didn't say it?

Okay. Forget it.

Forget it. Forget it.
Forget it.

And that's how a bill
becomes a law.

Did you know
that was Bradley?

I did not know
that was...

I tell you,
we were standing there

and he was, he was like...

It took the crowd a minute.

- To figure out who it was.
- Yeah.

Because I go take, I go...

It took Jason a minute
to figure out who it was.

- Well, did they even--
- Well, by the way, you too,
you started the intro,

and then I see
the guy's ass, and then I see

Sean's reaction.
I was like, "What the fuck?"

And then I'm looking
at him like, "Is this guy
fucking for real."

It literally was his boots
and I am like, "Oh."

Did they hear his name?

Did they hear the intro
or did they have to wait
to see?

- I don't think
they heard.
- It seemed like it kinda went

through the crowd.

Why are you sad?

Oh, okay. Sorry.

Thank you.

- I can't wait
to see your movie.
- Oh, okay.

Now, bye-bye, guys.

Yeah, people that chase cars
are, are bad news.

I just came up from D.C.,
and I got AOC, boo.

Like, what the fuck
are these people
talking about?

- That's pretty sad.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a mystery guest,
you get what you get

and you don't get upset.

Yeah.

When we first started
talking about this tour,

I'm the idiot that was like,

"Hey, do we need to put
like a projection screen
in the back?"

And Sam said very sweetly,

"You're forgetting
that you three are enough.

Like you three coming out,

that's what they bought
a ticket to see."

How fucking wrong was he?

And how about, how quickly
did we buy it?

Yeah, I know.

Apparently we're not enough.

We're canceling Madison.

Hold on.

Yeah. You wanted to cancel
the entire show.

I freaked out.

Well,
because I triggered

a reckoning that, that we went
through by, by inviting

what would be probably
an unsurprising guest
on the podcast.

But on stage,
there were some crickets,

and, more importantly,
some Twitter feedback

that gave us a little scare.

So we have thought
about our upcoming guests.

And you have made a pivot.

Yes, to...

- Don't tell us.
- No, no, I won't.

I would never tell.

You made a pivot
away from...

Yeah, away from that
to, to, to someone

that would maybe
as we're learning

be an appeal to this
particular tour that...

Well, also just to understand
the idea of, of bringing it

making it more of a show
as you had said,

like making it more of a...

I'd hate to put both
us and her in a repeat

situation and as we're, like
you said, as we're learning.

And in your process
of that pivot,

you ended up revealing
to us who that guest was.

You've talked to her since,
have you?

And how was she about it?

- Fantastic.
- Really?

Yeah, we were good friends,
so she's like, totally yeah,

like I'll just come
on the podcast.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Pretty gracious of her.
- Because I was thinking
it might be semi-classy

of us might be to follow
up with a little email

or text now that we know
who the guest was.

Who has time for a text?

Then, I got to pick up
my phone

and I got a face ID
and then I go...

what's the number?

And then, I got to fucking
like click, click, click...

- Face ID.
- And before you know.

And it, it doesn't read
because you're in a hat...

Hey, I'm just saying
this curling isn't going
to watch itself, man.

- Curling.
- Sweep.

Sweep.

Hurry, hurry hard, hurry,

hard, hard, hard.

Now leave it,

leave it.

Okay, I think I know
what I want here.

It's a Bibb lettuce salad.

And one of the protein options
is turkey meatballs.

You ever had a meatball
in a salad?

No. In a salad?

I'm going to do that.
Maybe a poached egg
in there, too.

You're going to do all that?

Why, does that
sound fatty?

Actually, I had three eggs
this morning

- so I'm not gonna do that.
- Did you bring your
fat jeans too?

Yeah, I'm wearing
them right now.

Turkey meatballs.
How about and salmon?

- Or is that gross?
- That's gross.

Do I want a smoothie
on top of a salad,

or is that a bomb?

Get it.

Because I don't want to shower
again today.

- You, what, here's an issue.
-"Is that a bomb?"

You don't need to shower
every time.

Not everybody in the world
showers every time they

- drop a deuce, man.
- Get a smoothie, get
a smoothie, so you have it.

And if you're showering
every time,
then the problem's bigger.

Yeah.

Do you get some fingerling
potatoes?

I did, wait, nuts for nuts milkshake.

Are you done? No?

- You want it one more time?
- Maybe.

Let me just... I will
just see if I can do this.

Did you want a second lunch?

Did...

- All good, man?
- Yeah. Sorry.

How is your letter
to the kitchen going?

It won't let me click
the add order, add order.

Hi, Crystal.
Um, we're trying to make
a lunch order

on one of the iPads up
here in 2411, um,

and it's not going through.

So should I just kind of read
it to you?

Okay.

This is... God, I love
it when they call
me Mr. Umbguy.

Her name on the thing is D...

- Umbguy.
- Umbguy.

Yes, Mr. Umbguy.

No, no, no, no, no.
It is, it's, it's just,
it's a, it's a fake name.

And the first initial
is D, and the, the hilarious
joke is dumb guy.

He's explaining it to the...

Yes, okay, let's start
with one Bibb lettuce salad, please.

Add turkey meatballs.

Okay, let's just add
some chicken to it, please.

And the dressing
on the side, please.

Can we add one
chocolate chip cookie...

Oh, wait.

Get a bunch of
chocolate chip cookies.

Okay.

Change that to four
chocolate chip cookies.

Yeah, come on.
We're all going to eat,
everyone's going to have some.

Yeah. I see an order
here for braised short ribs.

That's me.

And then I see a mistake
here for a Caesar salad?

Caesar salad, chopped
and tossed, please. No egg.

The diner would like
it chopped and tossed, please.

I then have a smashed
and herbed fingerling
potatoes for...

No, do they have French fries
instead or no?

Oh, the shit pig
would like to know

if you have French fries
instead?

No.

What about some truffles
for the pig?

That's a yes, no.

No, regular fries,
regular fries.

Just regular
French fries.

And, boy, someone
would like an apple cranberry crumble.

And then, also a black
and white cookie shake.

And then, um,
we'd also like...

...a burger medium, well.

You need to get another
piece of paper, I'll bet.

- The pen ran out.
- Yeah, okay,
we'll wait.

They're tracking down
another cow to slaughter.

They've, they've got to hire
another sous chef.

Okay.

Yeah, no, we're going to go
back to cow, um, a burger.

- Medium well.
- Medium well.

Ketchup only.

Ketchup only.

- And nothing else on it.
- And nothing else on it.

But the ketchup comes
on the side.

No cheese.

So, he just wants a burger
and bun.

- With ketchup.
- With ketchup, right.

And, unless they have American
cheese, American cheese.

Do you have American?

Make sure it's not Canadian.

Fries.

- Regular fries.
- So, regular fries.

- Diet Coke.
- Diet Coke.

Right American cheese on it.

Yeah, I think American...

Go for it.

- No, no.
- No other toppings.

Zero.

- Uh, Diet Coke.
- Diet Coke, yes.

Ironically enough
and then the fellow

that ordered the black
and white cookie shake,

the braised short ribs,
the apple cranberry crumble,

would like a full sugar
Coca Cola.

This order is taking so long,
it's, it's dinner now.

You don't have any
chess paddles down there,
do you?

Okay.

If you find any before
you send up the cart,

could you include?

Hi.

Hi, papa.

Come, give me a hug.

Come.

We'll look out the window.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

By the way, do you want
to have a little bit of treat?

Yeah.

Okay.

Heart melter.

Mmm.

You're going to fill up
on the short rib

and not have enough
of your salad.

I thought you were
going to say not enough
room for my shake.

Whose shoes are those?

Ah!

You're walking,
and you're so big!

Okay, ready?

Yay!

Okay. I have a normal drink.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, oh, what the heck?

Deni,
you're going to have a drink?

Yeah.

Okay, let's see.

Wa, wa, wa...

Well, wa, wa, wa...

Oh, you got it, I know
sometimes, it is embarrassing
when you do a bit.

Did you poop?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Pee-ew.

Does the baby
need a shower?