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1
00:00:03,267 --> 00:00:05,000
Well, that is it.
It's not my apartment,
2
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,100
it is officially ours.
3
00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:08,133
The closet and drawers
are all divvied up.
4
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,701
Mm-hm. And I think
the 80/20 split is very fair.
5
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,267
Uh, you...
6
00:00:16,267 --> 00:00:17,767
Me.
7
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:21,367
When you proposed,
you knew I was a girl.
8
00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:25,200
Oh, yes, I did. One of the
things I love most about you.
9
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,601
Mm, mm.
10
00:00:26,601 --> 00:00:28,701
Hey, why don't you
put the clothes you're wearing
11
00:00:28,701 --> 00:00:30,701
into one of your drawers?
Oh, and why don't you
12
00:00:30,701 --> 00:00:33,367
put the clothes you're wearing
into one of your drawers?
13
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,734
Because my drawers
are in the kitchen.
14
00:00:37,634 --> 00:00:39,667
But-- But maybe we could
use this shelf
15
00:00:39,667 --> 00:00:41,267
if we find somewhere else
to put this.
16
00:00:41,267 --> 00:00:42,968
Oh, I forgot I had that.
17
00:00:42,968 --> 00:00:46,167
My dad gave it to me. He wanted
me to document my valuables.
18
00:00:46,167 --> 00:00:48,667
But this is, uh, interesting.
19
00:00:48,667 --> 00:00:49,801
How so?
20
00:00:49,801 --> 00:00:52,534
Well, we were gonna,
you know,
21
00:00:52,534 --> 00:00:54,868
and then you found
this video camera.
22
00:00:54,868 --> 00:00:58,334
You want to document our
valuables before we do it?
23
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,434
No.
24
00:01:01,434 --> 00:01:03,434
Oh, I get it.
25
00:01:03,434 --> 00:01:04,901
I mean, you really want
26
00:01:04,901 --> 00:01:07,267
to videotape us?
I don't know. What do you think?
27
00:01:07,267 --> 00:01:10,634
I-- I think lights,
camera, sexy action,
28
00:01:10,634 --> 00:01:11,567
you know?
29
00:01:13,267 --> 00:01:16,434
This will be great because I can
watch it when you're not here.
30
00:01:16,434 --> 00:01:20,000
Adam Rhodes, I did not know you
were such a dirty little perv.
31
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,868
Ooh, surprise.
32
00:01:21,868 --> 00:01:25,133
Okay, but I don't want
anyone to know that we did this.
33
00:01:25,133 --> 00:01:26,267
Of course.
34
00:01:26,267 --> 00:01:27,834
Unless some funny blooper
happens,
35
00:01:27,834 --> 00:01:29,767
then we send it
to thathome videosshow.
36
00:01:29,767 --> 00:01:31,601
Yeah, I mean 10 grand
is 10 grand.
37
00:01:31,601 --> 00:01:33,267
Good. And now
I won't have to imagine
38
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:35,133
you doing those
provocative yoga poses.
39
00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:36,734
You imagine me doing yoga?
40
00:01:36,734 --> 00:01:39,234
Oh, yeah, honey.
You, stretching,
41
00:01:39,234 --> 00:01:41,968
black spandex, like a cat.
42
00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,868
Meow.
43
00:01:43,868 --> 00:01:47,100
Like a silent cat.
44
00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:48,767
All right, press record
and get in bed.
45
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:16,567
Yeah, I heard what the German
and the fed said
46
00:02:16,567 --> 00:02:19,200
but I don't think
we have to overreact.
47
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,734
Look, I'd love to, uh,
discuss your portfolio with you
48
00:02:21,734 --> 00:02:24,234
for another hour, but I'm
just stepping into a meeting.
49
00:02:27,634 --> 00:02:30,701
Uh, my secretary
just opened a beer can.
50
00:02:30,701 --> 00:02:33,901
There goes, uh,
her 30-day chip.
51
00:02:33,901 --> 00:02:35,300
So I gotta go.
52
00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:36,534
All right, bye.
53
00:02:41,434 --> 00:02:42,968
Oh, hey, hon.
54
00:02:42,968 --> 00:02:44,667
We're out of those
pretzel nuggets
55
00:02:44,667 --> 00:02:46,534
with the peanut butter inside.
56
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,834
Oh. So annoying.
57
00:02:48,834 --> 00:02:51,133
Tell me about it.
I stick my hand in the bag...
58
00:02:52,067 --> 00:02:54,601
Nothing but nugget dust.
59
00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,200
I'm sensing your irritation
is not nugget-related.
60
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,734
What's the matter?
61
00:03:02,734 --> 00:03:06,334
It's-- It's nothing.
Just forget it. Forget it.
62
00:03:06,334 --> 00:03:09,300
Ten years ago, I would've
fallen into that trap.
63
00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:12,400
Come on, bend my ear.
64
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:16,234
Okay, when you say "hi"
to someone in an elevator,
65
00:03:16,234 --> 00:03:18,033
how should a normal person
respond?
66
00:03:18,033 --> 00:03:20,234
Oh, the woman
with the purple hat?
67
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:23,868
Again. I say "hi" to her,
I get nothing back.
68
00:03:23,868 --> 00:03:25,934
You know, last week I even held
the elevator door
69
00:03:25,934 --> 00:03:28,400
so she could make it on.
Still, silence.
70
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:29,400
Look, maybe she's deaf.
71
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,400
She's not deaf.
72
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:31,634
She's just rude.
73
00:03:31,634 --> 00:03:34,300
You can be both.
74
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:37,701
In college I had this really
obnoxious blind friend.
75
00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:43,667
Look, why do you care if
a stranger talks to you anyway?
76
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:46,634
I don't even care if people
I like talk to me.
77
00:03:46,634 --> 00:03:48,767
Well, I'm not you.
78
00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:50,567
I'm glad you're not.
79
00:03:50,567 --> 00:03:53,901
If you were, that would make me
gay for myself.
80
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,467
Right?
81
00:03:57,434 --> 00:03:59,234
Look, I know it's stupid
82
00:03:59,234 --> 00:04:01,434
and it shouldn't bother me,
but it does.
83
00:04:01,434 --> 00:04:02,834
And that bothers me.
84
00:04:02,834 --> 00:04:05,267
All right, you want me to talk
to her? I'll talk to her.
85
00:04:05,267 --> 00:04:06,300
Boom, problem solved.
86
00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:07,434
No, no boom.
87
00:04:07,434 --> 00:04:09,601
No, I don't want you
to talk to her.
88
00:04:09,601 --> 00:04:11,434
Ah.
Then what do you want me to do?
89
00:04:11,434 --> 00:04:13,334
Nothing, I--
90
00:04:13,334 --> 00:04:14,734
You know how I always tell you
91
00:04:14,734 --> 00:04:16,701
I don't need you
to fix everything?
92
00:04:16,701 --> 00:04:18,701
This is one of those times,
okay?
93
00:04:18,701 --> 00:04:22,501
I just need you to listen
and understand.
94
00:04:22,501 --> 00:04:24,667
I don't understand.
95
00:04:24,667 --> 00:04:26,834
After 12 years of marriage,
96
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:28,634
I would think you would
get it by now.
97
00:04:28,634 --> 00:04:31,200
I would think by now you would
get that I don't get it.
98
00:04:33,267 --> 00:04:36,801
You know, Dian Fossey
had an easier time
99
00:04:36,801 --> 00:04:38,801
communicating with apes.
100
00:04:38,801 --> 00:04:41,033
I'm sure Dian Fossey didn't
complain to the apes
101
00:04:41,033 --> 00:04:43,667
that the villagers
didn't say "hi" to her.
102
00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:47,334
You know, I am so glad
I shared with you.
103
00:04:47,334 --> 00:04:49,167
Give me another chance.
104
00:04:49,167 --> 00:04:54,100
Give me another chance
to listen and understand.
105
00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:55,801
Go ahead,
bitch about something else.
106
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:00,767
Ha-ha-ha. Wow.
107
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:02,100
Thank you. Thanks.
108
00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,501
Purple-hat lady is no longer
109
00:05:03,501 --> 00:05:05,234
the most annoying person
of my day.
110
00:05:08,033 --> 00:05:10,667
I hear you
111
00:05:10,667 --> 00:05:12,834
and I understand.
112
00:05:18,634 --> 00:05:20,000
Hey, I found you.
113
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,534
Where's my pot of gold?
114
00:05:25,834 --> 00:05:28,801
OS. That's text talk
for "one second."
115
00:05:28,801 --> 00:05:31,367
Oh, yeah.
116
00:05:31,367 --> 00:05:32,901
She liked that one.
117
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,734
Who is she
and what are you doing?
118
00:05:36,734 --> 00:05:38,300
Uh, this is text dating.
119
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:39,567
It's when you text a woman,
120
00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:42,601
then you decide who you want
to meet face to face.
121
00:05:42,601 --> 00:05:45,033
Isn't it easier to meet a woman
the old-fashioned way?
122
00:05:45,033 --> 00:05:47,167
Oh, conk them
over the head with a club
123
00:05:47,167 --> 00:05:49,167
and drag back to cave?
124
00:05:52,133 --> 00:05:53,534
How well do you think
you'll text
125
00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:56,567
with that thing
lodged in your colon?
126
00:05:56,567 --> 00:05:59,200
Well, it's got Bluetooth,
127
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,200
so it gets reception anywhere.
128
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,634
I'm liking this one.
She's smart.
129
00:06:04,634 --> 00:06:06,100
She laughing at all me jokes.
130
00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:08,534
laugh out loud.
131
00:06:10,501 --> 00:06:11,734
Dude, this thing is great.
132
00:06:11,734 --> 00:06:13,033
When I'm getting to know a girl
133
00:06:13,033 --> 00:06:14,801
she can't see me yawning.
134
00:06:14,801 --> 00:06:17,067
Maybe I should
get Audrey one of those.
135
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:20,901
Ooh, trouble in scare-adise?
136
00:06:20,901 --> 00:06:22,868
Yeah, she's mad at some woman
in the building.
137
00:06:22,868 --> 00:06:25,000
I wanted to help fix things,
she didn't want me to.
138
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,334
When she's upset,
I gotta do something.
139
00:06:27,334 --> 00:06:28,434
You want my advice?
140
00:06:28,434 --> 00:06:31,033
I already know
how to download porn.
141
00:06:32,968 --> 00:06:34,133
Here's what you do:
142
00:06:34,133 --> 00:06:36,067
When Audrey gets mad at you
about something,
143
00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:39,033
you get even madder
about that same something.
144
00:06:39,033 --> 00:06:41,367
Why?
Because it disarms her,
145
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:42,968
turns the tabes,
146
00:06:42,968 --> 00:06:45,434
then suddenly
she has to calm you down.
147
00:06:45,434 --> 00:06:47,200
Food for thought.
148
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:48,667
Well...
149
00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:50,868
Now food for belly.
150
00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:54,901
Oh, no, she's getting nasty.
151
00:06:56,601 --> 00:06:58,501
A little privacy, sir.
152
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:06,601
Oh.
153
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,167
Okay.
154
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:16,400
Time for the world premiere
of our sexy sex tape.
155
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,734
Oh.
156
00:07:17,734 --> 00:07:19,934
And I have a feeling
there's gonna be a sequel.
157
00:07:19,934 --> 00:07:22,234
Oh, it's already
in the works.
158
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:23,400
Mm.
Mm.
159
00:07:24,901 --> 00:07:27,501
And here we go.
160
00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:38,133
Is it just me,
or is this not hot?
161
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:40,567
It's a lot of things.
162
00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:42,133
Hot is not one of them.
163
00:07:44,133 --> 00:07:47,100
I'm just laying there
like a lox.
164
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:50,234
And what--? What is--?
What is that face I'm making?
165
00:07:50,234 --> 00:07:51,801
Am I--? Am I crying?
166
00:07:54,868 --> 00:07:56,400
We are not tan.
167
00:07:57,868 --> 00:07:59,634
I should be at the gym.
168
00:07:59,634 --> 00:08:01,734
All the time.
169
00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:03,367
Don't we make any noise?
170
00:08:04,267 --> 00:08:07,434
Move! Do something!
171
00:08:07,434 --> 00:08:08,868
Oh, not that!
172
00:08:10,901 --> 00:08:12,000
Turn it off!
173
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,200
Uh, okay. It's off.
174
00:08:23,801 --> 00:08:25,567
Wow.
175
00:08:25,567 --> 00:08:27,434
Maybe the problem's
the lights.
176
00:08:27,434 --> 00:08:29,334
Yes, they were on.
177
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:30,968
All right,
so should we just move
178
00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:33,534
to the "having sex now" part?
179
00:08:33,534 --> 00:08:35,901
Yeah, I mean,
180
00:08:35,901 --> 00:08:37,968
maybe that will help us
forget what we just saw.
181
00:08:45,634 --> 00:08:47,801
It's too soon.
182
00:08:58,634 --> 00:08:59,634
Hey, what's up?
183
00:08:59,634 --> 00:09:01,501
Game. Baseball. Close.
184
00:09:01,501 --> 00:09:03,200
Ninth inning.
185
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,033
Hey, you remember
Trish from work?
186
00:09:05,033 --> 00:09:06,834
We just had
her going-away party.
187
00:09:06,834 --> 00:09:08,133
It was so much fun.
188
00:09:08,133 --> 00:09:10,167
Uh-huh.
Oh, I know.
189
00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:11,901
She's moving to Tampa
to be near her mom,
190
00:09:11,901 --> 00:09:13,801
but she's my closest friend
there,
191
00:09:13,801 --> 00:09:15,200
so it's a little upsetting.
192
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,434
Upsetting? You're upset?
193
00:09:16,434 --> 00:09:17,868
Yeah.
No, no, no.
194
00:09:17,868 --> 00:09:19,601
Don't be upset. Uh...
195
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,767
I'm sure she'll say "hi" soon.
196
00:09:25,334 --> 00:09:26,868
Were you even listening to me?
197
00:09:26,868 --> 00:09:28,300
Yeah, I was listening.
198
00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:31,200
And, uh... I'm mad.
199
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:32,968
At what?
At what you're upset about.
200
00:09:32,968 --> 00:09:34,801
Trish?
Yeah, where does she get off?
201
00:09:34,801 --> 00:09:36,968
I'm steamed as hell at her.
I'm madder than you are!
202
00:09:36,968 --> 00:09:38,100
Why?
203
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,667
Because of what she did
to upset you.
204
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,834
I mean, come on!
205
00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:43,834
Trish is moving to Florida
206
00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:45,400
to take care
of her dying mother.
207
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,434
Yeah, well, I'll tell you
what I'm mad at:
208
00:09:48,434 --> 00:09:51,234
The doctors who are
just giving up on her.
209
00:09:51,234 --> 00:09:55,267
I mean, come on.
210
00:09:55,267 --> 00:09:58,200
What--?
What are you doing?
211
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,834
Getting madder than you.
212
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,434
Trying to turn the tabes.
213
00:10:06,334 --> 00:10:10,000
Every conversation with you
is-- Is a new adventure.
214
00:10:11,734 --> 00:10:12,901
I know that you're mad at me,
215
00:10:12,901 --> 00:10:15,767
but not half as mad
as I am at myself.
216
00:10:15,767 --> 00:10:19,901
I mean, what kind of stunt are
you trying to pull here, Jeff?
217
00:10:26,434 --> 00:10:29,100
Hey, Russell, let me--
Let me ask you something.
218
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:31,267
Uh, I'm busy, son.
219
00:10:32,934 --> 00:10:35,834
Have you ever videotaped
you and a girl having sex?
220
00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:43,467
Why, yes I have.
Why do you ask?
221
00:10:43,467 --> 00:10:45,167
No, I'm just--
222
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:47,801
I'm curious what
homemade stuff looks like.
223
00:10:47,801 --> 00:10:49,601
You know, probably all
pretty bad, right?
224
00:10:49,601 --> 00:10:51,501
Wrong.
225
00:10:51,501 --> 00:10:52,934
Check out my work.
226
00:10:52,934 --> 00:10:55,100
Oh, whoa, whoa, I don't--
227
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:56,334
I don't wanna see that.
228
00:10:56,334 --> 00:10:58,567
What?
It's very tastefully done.
229
00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:01,734
Okay.
230
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,234
Oh, good God!
231
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,767
Oh, starting now.
232
00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:12,300
Well, it's good quality.
233
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:14,000
Yeah.
Pretty small, though.
234
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,534
Ah, she has big hands.
235
00:11:18,234 --> 00:11:19,334
I--
236
00:11:19,334 --> 00:11:21,968
I meant the screen is small.
237
00:11:21,968 --> 00:11:24,000
Oh, the screen is small.
Yeah, it's tiny.
238
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,334
Um, so, what's the deal?
239
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:28,133
Are you and Jen
thinking about making a
240
00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:30,100
sex tape?
241
00:11:31,367 --> 00:11:33,434
Oh, dude, you already made one.
242
00:11:33,434 --> 00:11:35,834
Nice. Did you go Hilton
or Tommy Lee?
243
00:11:35,834 --> 00:11:37,567
Uh, what?
244
00:11:37,567 --> 00:11:39,634
With the camera.
Did you go tripod or hand-held?
245
00:11:39,634 --> 00:11:41,033
Oh-- Oh, uh,
a little of each.
246
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:44,734
Oh, good work,
Martin Scor-sleazy.
247
00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:47,534
So when can I come
and check it out?
248
00:11:47,534 --> 00:11:48,868
You can't.
249
00:11:48,868 --> 00:11:51,634
Oh, Jen's uptight about it.
250
00:11:51,634 --> 00:11:54,434
You know what, I'll watch it
at home. What's the website?
251
00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:56,701
There's no website.
252
00:11:56,701 --> 00:11:58,601
You know, and if Jen finds out
that you know,
253
00:11:58,601 --> 00:12:00,834
I'll tell everyone about
your calf implants.
254
00:12:00,834 --> 00:12:01,968
Ah! Shh!
255
00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:07,133
We understand each other.
256
00:12:07,133 --> 00:12:08,567
Yeah, all right.
257
00:12:08,567 --> 00:12:09,968
No, we just--
We just, you know,
258
00:12:09,968 --> 00:12:12,033
wanted to do something
to spice up our love life,
259
00:12:12,033 --> 00:12:14,934
but it-- It's bad, man.
I mean, it's very bad.
260
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:16,400
I can't get it out of my head.
261
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,801
Yeah, you know, the key to a
good tape is that it's a movie,
262
00:12:18,801 --> 00:12:20,267
not a play.
Okay.
263
00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:21,734
First you make love
to the camera,
264
00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:22,901
then the woman.
265
00:12:22,901 --> 00:12:24,901
Then the other woman.
Then bring your friend--
266
00:12:24,901 --> 00:12:25,901
Okay.
267
00:12:25,901 --> 00:12:27,367
Okay, yeah, I get it.
268
00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:28,667
Suit yourself.
269
00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:30,100
Check out how cool this is.
270
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:33,167
I tap on her naked body and
all her contact info comes up.
271
00:12:33,167 --> 00:12:34,334
Ha-ha!
272
00:12:34,334 --> 00:12:35,434
Cool.
Isn't that cool?
273
00:12:35,434 --> 00:12:36,534
Hey, guys.
Hey.
274
00:12:36,534 --> 00:12:38,834
Listen, I finally set up
a face to face
275
00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:42,200
with that chick that was LOLing
at all my text messages.
276
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,901
I think there's
a connection there.
277
00:12:43,901 --> 00:12:45,367
Oh, good, good.
I hope it works out
278
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:46,934
better than that advice
you gave me.
279
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,100
I tried that getting-madder-
than-she-is thing.
280
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:50,334
It totally backfired.
281
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:53,067
I have no idea what to do now.
282
00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:56,133
Just run, dude.
283
00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:00,434
Why do I keep listening
to your advice?
284
00:13:00,434 --> 00:13:03,133
It's like those people who keep
calling the Three Stooges
285
00:13:03,133 --> 00:13:05,801
to fix their plumbing.
286
00:13:05,801 --> 00:13:08,000
They never make it better.
287
00:13:09,901 --> 00:13:12,133
Hey, have, uh, you ever made
a sex tape with Audrey?
288
00:13:12,133 --> 00:13:13,133
No.
289
00:13:13,133 --> 00:13:14,534
It was, uh, bad enough
290
00:13:14,534 --> 00:13:17,300
watching us dancing to Wham!
on our wedding video.
291
00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:21,400
Hey, check out the one
Russell made.
292
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,534
Ah.
293
00:13:23,534 --> 00:13:26,701
That's nice.
A little girl on girl.
294
00:13:31,934 --> 00:13:33,434
That's Russell.
295
00:13:35,334 --> 00:13:37,200
I'm sorry.
It's just so small.
296
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,667
It's the biggest screen
they make.
297
00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:42,367
I wasn't talking
about the screen.
298
00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:47,634
Sex tape? Why are you
watching that again?
299
00:13:47,634 --> 00:13:48,801
I'm trying to learn from it.
300
00:13:48,801 --> 00:13:50,567
The same way I study a tape
of my golf swing
301
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:51,567
to try to improve it.
302
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:56,901
I-- I-- I gotta
rotate my hips more.
303
00:13:58,467 --> 00:14:01,100
We are not talking
about golf here.
304
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,601
You're thinking about it
too much.
305
00:14:02,601 --> 00:14:04,667
Sex should be spontaneous
and fun.
306
00:14:04,667 --> 00:14:05,868
Before we made this tape,
307
00:14:05,868 --> 00:14:07,567
we were doing it
here in the living room,
308
00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:09,501
up on the roof,
at that boring bar mitzvah.
309
00:14:09,501 --> 00:14:12,868
Yes. Yes, two of us
became men that day.
310
00:14:12,868 --> 00:14:14,868
Well, where is that man now?
311
00:14:14,868 --> 00:14:16,067
He is right here, honey!
312
00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:17,100
Come on, let's do it!
313
00:14:18,033 --> 00:14:19,901
Damn it!
314
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:22,067
You shanked it.
315
00:14:41,734 --> 00:14:42,667
Hey.
316
00:14:48,534 --> 00:14:49,467
Hi.
317
00:14:51,801 --> 00:14:54,467
You own a purple hat,
don't you?
318
00:14:54,467 --> 00:14:55,868
Yes, why?
319
00:14:55,868 --> 00:14:57,100
Look, you don't know me,
320
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:59,501
but I was wondering
if I could ask you a favor.
321
00:15:05,534 --> 00:15:07,067
Hey, Russell.
322
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:08,200
Care to join me?
323
00:15:09,567 --> 00:15:11,067
Don't beg.
324
00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:12,167
Hey, where's Adam?
325
00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:13,834
He's at the apartment
watching a movie
326
00:15:13,834 --> 00:15:15,968
that I've already seen and hate.
327
00:15:21,234 --> 00:15:22,834
Movie, huh?
328
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:26,033
Was this an, uh,
indie or a major mosh?
329
00:15:27,534 --> 00:15:28,701
It doesn't matter.
330
00:15:28,701 --> 00:15:31,033
No, no, it does.
I'm a bit of a cinephile.
331
00:15:31,033 --> 00:15:32,567
Tell me about it.
What's the plot?
332
00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:35,300
How does it end? Happily?
333
00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:38,434
Why are you here?
334
00:15:38,434 --> 00:15:41,734
I'm meeting my text date
for the first time.
335
00:15:41,734 --> 00:15:44,133
We really get along well,
she gets all my jokes.
336
00:15:44,133 --> 00:15:48,133
And I just hope grill-wise
she's, you know...
337
00:15:50,734 --> 00:15:52,701
Oh, because you're so,
you know...
338
00:15:55,868 --> 00:15:56,801
Exactly.
339
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,734
Oh, is that her?
Oh, that better be her.
340
00:16:00,734 --> 00:16:02,834
Jill?
341
00:16:02,834 --> 00:16:04,167
Ha-ha. Russell?
342
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:05,567
Hey! Over here.
343
00:16:05,567 --> 00:16:07,634
Oh, she's coming over.
Beat it.
344
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:08,934
It's my booth.
345
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,100
All right, well,
I'm 31 and I race cars.
346
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:12,434
Hey.
347
00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:16,000
Ah, nice to see you
in person.
348
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,033
And send.
349
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,501
LOL.
Ah, ha-ha.
350
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:23,467
Nice to meet my LOLer
in person.
351
00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:27,834
Hey, this is my friend's
fianc�e, Jennifer.
352
00:16:27,834 --> 00:16:29,667
Hi. I love your purse.
353
00:16:30,734 --> 00:16:31,667
Oh.
354
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:33,868
Do I have something in my teeth?
355
00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:35,901
No.
356
00:16:37,334 --> 00:16:38,801
All right,
why don't we sit down?
357
00:16:38,801 --> 00:16:40,601
You're funny.
358
00:16:40,601 --> 00:16:43,000
Well, sometimes,
but not that one.
359
00:16:44,434 --> 00:16:46,033
That one either.
360
00:16:47,601 --> 00:16:49,100
I'll go hang up my coat.
361
00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:55,968
She laughs at everything.
362
00:16:55,968 --> 00:16:58,501
I know, what a drag.
363
00:16:58,501 --> 00:17:00,234
I thought I was special,
364
00:17:00,234 --> 00:17:02,434
but she even laughs
at stuff that you say.
365
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:05,400
I'm funny.
366
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,968
No, I know.
367
00:17:10,801 --> 00:17:13,667
You know what?
In my mind, she was perfect.
368
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:16,100
Some things are best left
to the imagination.
369
00:17:18,067 --> 00:17:19,667
That's true.
370
00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:22,400
You know,
you just gave me an idea.
371
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,501
So, uh, how are you gonna
get rid of her?
372
00:17:25,501 --> 00:17:28,267
Actually, I'm still gonna
try to sleep with her.
373
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,367
That ought to do it.
374
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,267
I appreciate you
accepting my apology
375
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:40,167
for all of my
recent behavior.
376
00:17:40,167 --> 00:17:42,000
Come on, I know you mean well.
377
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,701
And I appreciate you
doing the dishes.
378
00:17:43,701 --> 00:17:45,334
And I really loved
that foot rub.
379
00:17:45,334 --> 00:17:47,534
Oh, and the flowers didn't hurt.
380
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,634
Well, the bill did.
I mean, they're just flowers.
381
00:17:49,634 --> 00:17:51,234
So they'll be dead--
Don't undo it.
382
00:17:51,234 --> 00:17:53,234
Sorry.
383
00:17:53,234 --> 00:17:55,667
Part of my apology,
you get to choose the movie.
384
00:17:55,667 --> 00:17:57,534
Oh, uh,
385
00:17:57,534 --> 00:18:00,100
we could see
the Jane Austen movie at 7:15.
386
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:03,000
And you could
see me sleeping at 7:20.
387
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,734
You just said
I could pick the movie.
388
00:18:04,734 --> 00:18:07,367
You're right. Jane Austen it is.
Forbidden love and bonnets.
389
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:08,901
Awesome.
390
00:18:10,467 --> 00:18:12,634
Oh. Hi.
391
00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:15,367
Oh. Hello.
392
00:18:15,367 --> 00:18:16,667
There, happy now?
393
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:23,367
I'm not happy.
394
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:26,467
You made her say "hi" to me?
395
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,467
I was just trying
to fix the problem.
396
00:18:32,467 --> 00:18:34,400
I specifically
asked you not to.
397
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,133
When my wife is upset,
I gotta do something.
398
00:18:37,133 --> 00:18:38,767
You don't take your car
to a mechanic,
399
00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:41,033
tell him what's wrong and then
say, "But don't fix it.
400
00:18:41,033 --> 00:18:42,801
Just listen and hug me."
401
00:18:42,801 --> 00:18:45,901
You know, I should be able
to share things with my husband
402
00:18:45,901 --> 00:18:48,667
without worrying he's gonna
go do something crazy.
403
00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:53,400
Or you could be more amused
when he does something crazy.
404
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,167
Let's not forget
about the beautiful flowers,
405
00:18:57,167 --> 00:18:59,400
one of which is already dead.
406
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,801
Okay.
407
00:19:00,801 --> 00:19:02,801
Honey, I just want to be able
to move on from this
408
00:19:02,801 --> 00:19:04,734
knowing it's not
going to happen again.
409
00:19:04,734 --> 00:19:06,901
It won't. Trust me.
410
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:10,100
It might.
I know.
411
00:19:12,667 --> 00:19:17,000
I'm sorry. Look, I'll, uh,
keep trying to do better.
412
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:20,601
All right, you keep trying
to do better
413
00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:23,501
and I'll keep trying to remember
the man I married.
414
00:19:23,501 --> 00:19:27,334
Mr. Good Intentions,
Lousy Execution.
415
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,434
Hey, you're right
about that woman.
416
00:19:29,434 --> 00:19:31,434
A stranger says "hello,"
you say "hello" back.
417
00:19:31,434 --> 00:19:33,567
It's what separates us
from the French.
418
00:19:34,868 --> 00:19:36,100
Couldn't agree more.
419
00:19:36,100 --> 00:19:38,067
At least one good thing
came out of all this.
420
00:19:38,067 --> 00:19:39,100
What's that?
421
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:41,100
We've blown
the Jane Austen movie.
422
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:43,133
Oh, there's another showing
at 8.
423
00:19:44,334 --> 00:19:45,934
Awesome.
424
00:19:54,534 --> 00:19:56,300
Okay.
425
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:02,767
Adam, if you're watching this,
426
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:05,000
it means you're still obsessed
with the damn sex tape.
427
00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:10,000
But I've recorded over it,
428
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:14,300
because instead of the reality,
which is so harsh and pasty,
429
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:18,334
I think you need
a little more fantasy.
430
00:20:23,067 --> 00:20:24,934
Oh, Downward Dog.
431
00:20:27,067 --> 00:20:29,200
Into Chaturanga.
432
00:20:30,067 --> 00:20:31,400
Hey.
433
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,067
I hope I'm not
interrupting anything,
434
00:20:33,067 --> 00:20:36,267
but I could use
a little help stretching.
435
00:20:41,133 --> 00:20:43,000
We are back!
436
00:20:53,367 --> 00:20:56,400
Well,
that was the last room.
437
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,801
Now the apartment's
officially ours.
438
00:21:03,701 --> 00:21:05,400
Wait a minute.
439
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,868
That was my drawer.
Did you take one of my drawers?
440
00:21:07,868 --> 00:21:09,000
Yeah.
441
00:21:10,868 --> 00:21:11,968
When?
442
00:21:13,234 --> 00:21:15,067
When I was on top.
443
00:21:17,267 --> 00:21:19,968
So is this how it's gonna be
for the rest of my life?
444
00:21:19,968 --> 00:21:21,534
Uh-huh.
445
00:21:22,734 --> 00:21:24,400
Do you want another drawer?
446
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,434
Yeah.
31018
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