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1
00:00:06,039 --> 00:00:09,024
Oh, Isaac, just
who I was looking for.
2
00:00:09,044 --> 00:00:10,048
I have something for you.
3
00:00:10,068 --> 00:00:12,025
A gift for me?
Whatever for?
4
00:00:12,045 --> 00:00:14,098
I just got the advance for your
biography from the publisher
5
00:00:15,018 --> 00:00:17,025
and I wanted to give you
something to say thank you.
6
00:00:17,045 --> 00:00:18,072
Ooh, classy move, babe.
7
00:00:18,092 --> 00:00:21,042
Can I open it since
Isaac can't use his hands?
8
00:00:21,062 --> 00:00:22,062
I know Jay's
offering to help,
9
00:00:22,082 --> 00:00:24,029
but it feels like
he's rubbing it in.
10
00:00:24,049 --> 00:00:26,039
Oh...!
11
00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:28,016
Nice, babe.
A scented candle.
12
00:00:28,036 --> 00:00:29,090
Because they can smell.
13
00:00:30,010 --> 00:00:31,066
Mm.
14
00:00:31,086 --> 00:00:33,027
So how much was the advance?
15
00:00:33,047 --> 00:00:35,000
$20,000.
16
00:00:35,020 --> 00:00:37,040
My God.
You could buy Delaware.
17
00:00:37,060 --> 00:00:40,004
Okay, hold on, Sam,
you get $20,000
18
00:00:40,024 --> 00:00:42,018
and all Isaac gets
is a candle?
19
00:00:42,038 --> 00:00:44,074
Which cost...?
$12.
20
00:00:44,094 --> 00:00:46,005
Plus tax.
21
00:00:46,025 --> 00:00:48,018
Sasappis brings up
an interesting point.
22
00:00:48,038 --> 00:00:50,088
I am the subject of the book
and your collaborator.
23
00:00:51,008 --> 00:00:54,019
Shouldn't I be entitled to
half the compensation?
24
00:00:54,039 --> 00:00:56,076
Isaac thinks we should split
the advance with him.
25
00:00:56,096 --> 00:00:59,039
A ghost wants $10,000?
26
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,043
I stand with Isaac.
27
00:01:01,063 --> 00:01:03,006
You can't just
exploit his labor
28
00:01:03,026 --> 00:01:05,066
and take all the profits
for yourself.
Agreed.
29
00:01:05,086 --> 00:01:07,080
He's not a child
in your iron foundry.
30
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,024
I mean, none of this
would be happening
31
00:01:10,044 --> 00:01:11,047
if it weren't for Isaac.
32
00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:13,004
Ooh, she's about to
surrender.
33
00:01:13,024 --> 00:01:14,071
Nigel, this must
take you back.
34
00:01:14,091 --> 00:01:15,087
Okay, fine.
35
00:01:16,007 --> 00:01:17,074
Isaac, we can
split the advance.
36
00:01:17,094 --> 00:01:19,041
Huzzah!
37
00:01:19,061 --> 00:01:21,008
We haven't been on
a vacation in three years
38
00:01:21,028 --> 00:01:23,068
but now
a ghost has $10,000.
39
00:01:23,088 --> 00:01:25,042
I can buy Rhode Island.
40
00:01:32,023 --> 00:01:33,084
Hello, Alberta.
41
00:01:34,088 --> 00:01:38,030
Okay, I know that
you're mad about the whole
42
00:01:38,050 --> 00:01:40,060
"my son murdering you
and me not telling you
43
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,010
about it for
a hundred years,"
44
00:01:42,030 --> 00:01:44,044
but, but... how long do you
intend to freeze me out?
45
00:01:44,064 --> 00:01:45,067
Flower, can you please
tell Hetty
46
00:01:45,087 --> 00:01:47,007
I'm still not talking to her?
47
00:01:47,027 --> 00:01:50,091
Hetty, Alberta wants me to
tell you that--
48
00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:52,018
Wait, I just had it.
49
00:01:52,038 --> 00:01:53,038
Never mind.
50
00:01:55,031 --> 00:01:57,025
Hi.
Hi.
51
00:01:57,045 --> 00:01:59,019
I'm Sam,
can I help you?
52
00:01:59,039 --> 00:02:00,049
I'm Kelsey Foster.
53
00:02:00,069 --> 00:02:02,022
Okay, this is gonna sound
kind of weird,
54
00:02:02,042 --> 00:02:04,096
but my mom was an exotic dancer
back in the '90s.
55
00:02:05,016 --> 00:02:06,036
I don't know
where this is headed,
56
00:02:06,056 --> 00:02:07,059
but I like
the way it started.
57
00:02:07,079 --> 00:02:08,083
Anyway, I only
recently found out
58
00:02:09,003 --> 00:02:10,073
that she had
a sort of office romance
59
00:02:10,093 --> 00:02:12,053
with a client named
David Woodstone.
60
00:02:12,073 --> 00:02:13,097
That was my Uncle David.
61
00:02:14,017 --> 00:02:16,067
And my boy.
Who dump your body
in lake.
62
00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:18,017
Just that one time.
Yeah, well,
63
00:02:18,037 --> 00:02:20,017
I think we're related
because your Uncle David
64
00:02:20,037 --> 00:02:23,018
knocked up my mom, and then
nine months later... ta-da.
65
00:02:23,038 --> 00:02:25,011
Oh, my God!
Little family history,
66
00:02:25,031 --> 00:02:26,068
"ta-da" is actually
what my mom used to yell
67
00:02:26,088 --> 00:02:28,015
when she would take her top off
onstage.
68
00:02:28,035 --> 00:02:31,038
And I am now realizing
what exotic dancer means.
69
00:02:31,058 --> 00:02:34,059
So nice to have that
in the gene pool.
This is amazing.
70
00:02:34,079 --> 00:02:37,019
I can't believe this.
I hardly have any family.
71
00:02:37,039 --> 00:02:39,036
I know, I'm so excited.
You should totally stay.
72
00:02:39,056 --> 00:02:41,006
We have some openings
this weekend.
73
00:02:41,026 --> 00:02:42,070
And it's on the house.
74
00:02:42,090 --> 00:02:44,066
So, you own this place?
Yeah.
75
00:02:44,086 --> 00:02:46,030
I inherited it
a couple years ago
76
00:02:46,050 --> 00:02:49,010
from my Great Aunt Sophie,
who was actually David's mom.
77
00:02:49,030 --> 00:02:53,014
Which would make Sophie
this woman's grandmother.
78
00:02:53,034 --> 00:02:54,021
Yeah.
79
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:56,001
That's actually why I'm here.
80
00:02:56,021 --> 00:02:58,054
See, the thing is,
I'm actually more of a Woodstone
81
00:02:58,074 --> 00:02:59,095
than you are, turns out.
82
00:03:00,015 --> 00:03:02,008
What are you saying?
83
00:03:02,028 --> 00:03:03,088
You seem really cool,
84
00:03:04,008 --> 00:03:06,022
and I don't want this to affect
our relationship, but...
85
00:03:06,042 --> 00:03:08,015
I think this house,
86
00:03:08,035 --> 00:03:09,096
technically,
87
00:03:10,016 --> 00:03:11,056
belongs to me.
88
00:03:13,003 --> 00:03:14,049
Hetty and Alberta...
89
00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:16,060
It's been a week
and the rift between you guys
90
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:18,010
is starting to
affect the whole house.
91
00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:19,063
That's why we've
asked you here today.
92
00:03:19,083 --> 00:03:20,090
In keeping with the bylaws
93
00:03:21,010 --> 00:03:22,074
outlined in
the Woodstone Accords,
94
00:03:22,094 --> 00:03:26,007
we've decided to
convene Ghost Court.
I'm sorry, Ghost Court?
95
00:03:26,027 --> 00:03:27,074
When two or more ghosts
have a conflict
96
00:03:27,094 --> 00:03:29,031
that there doesn't seem to
be a resolution for,
97
00:03:29,051 --> 00:03:30,051
we convene a council
98
00:03:30,071 --> 00:03:32,038
to agree on an
appropriate punishment
99
00:03:32,058 --> 00:03:33,078
so we can put
the matter behind us.
100
00:03:33,098 --> 00:03:35,051
How wonderfully bureaucratic.
101
00:03:35,071 --> 00:03:36,068
Is this really necessary?
102
00:03:36,088 --> 00:03:38,005
Oh, it's necessary.
103
00:03:38,025 --> 00:03:40,072
It's time to pay the piper,
Hetty Woodstone.
104
00:03:40,092 --> 00:03:43,062
Then it's official.
Ghost Court is in session.
105
00:03:43,082 --> 00:03:45,079
Although, it is almost noon.
106
00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:47,063
Should we figure out what
we're smelling for lunch first?
107
00:03:47,083 --> 00:03:49,009
Great point, uh...
108
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:51,006
We smell lunch and then,
Ghost Court is in session.
109
00:03:51,026 --> 00:03:54,023
Although, does an afternoon
start feel like
110
00:03:54,043 --> 00:03:55,077
might get
a little bit sleepy?
111
00:03:55,097 --> 00:03:57,010
Ah.
112
00:03:57,030 --> 00:03:58,017
Hit the ground
running tomorrow.
Great.
113
00:03:59,054 --> 00:04:01,094
The wheels of justice
grind slowly.
114
00:04:02,014 --> 00:04:03,088
So, what do we do here, Dan?
DAN Well, look,
115
00:04:04,008 --> 00:04:05,061
if she's telling the truth,
she has a claim.
116
00:04:05,081 --> 00:04:07,021
Now, that being said,
there's a lot scammers.
117
00:04:07,041 --> 00:04:09,011
So, I'm gonna send
my DNA guy up there.
118
00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:12,015
Absolute best in the biz.
Does all of Jeter's stuff.
119
00:04:12,035 --> 00:04:13,052
Are you allowed to tell us that?
120
00:04:13,072 --> 00:04:15,019
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Who's the lawyer now, Jay?
121
00:04:15,039 --> 00:04:17,006
Okay? I love it. I love you.
122
00:04:17,026 --> 00:04:20,023
He remind me of guy I knew
who sold used longships.
Okay.
123
00:04:20,043 --> 00:04:21,053
Well, that's a relief.
124
00:04:21,073 --> 00:04:22,053
So, you think it's
probably nothing?
125
00:04:22,073 --> 00:04:23,076
Well, you know what? Look.
126
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,086
The only thing that does
give me pause is
127
00:04:26,006 --> 00:04:27,067
our firm has been representing
128
00:04:27,087 --> 00:04:29,050
the Woodstone family
for decades.
129
00:04:29,070 --> 00:04:31,004
And without
getting into details,
130
00:04:31,024 --> 00:04:33,047
I do know that Davey Woodstone,
let's just say,
131
00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:38,008
had... an enthusiasm for
exotic dancers.
132
00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:39,024
Yeah, he did.
133
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:41,048
Again, he dump
your body in lake.
134
00:04:41,068 --> 00:04:44,002
Doesn't mean I can't be
proud of my bro.
135
00:04:44,022 --> 00:04:45,035
Pizza oven.
136
00:04:45,055 --> 00:04:46,062
You got to use your money
to buy a pizza oven.
137
00:04:46,082 --> 00:04:49,002
I've never been
overly fond of pizza.
138
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:51,076
Now a quail oven, though,
is that a thing?
139
00:04:51,096 --> 00:04:53,096
You should donate the money.
Save the narwhals.
140
00:04:54,016 --> 00:04:56,036
Screw that,
get a new water heater.
141
00:04:56,056 --> 00:04:57,080
Let's party.
142
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,037
Okay, thank you
for your suggestions,
143
00:05:00,057 --> 00:05:01,073
but this is Isaac's money
144
00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:03,007
and I think
he should spend it
145
00:05:03,027 --> 00:05:04,014
as he sees fit.
146
00:05:04,034 --> 00:05:05,050
Thank you, Nigel.
147
00:05:05,070 --> 00:05:07,001
And the truth is,
148
00:05:07,021 --> 00:05:09,004
I've already decided what
I'm spending the money on.
149
00:05:09,024 --> 00:05:10,004
Oh.
150
00:05:10,024 --> 00:05:11,041
A new daybed!
151
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,035
A new daybed?
152
00:05:13,055 --> 00:05:16,001
I saw it in a catalog
for this emporium called
153
00:05:16,021 --> 00:05:17,092
the Pottery Barn,
and I must have it.
154
00:05:18,012 --> 00:05:21,072
And this daybed would
presumably sleep just one?
155
00:05:21,092 --> 00:05:24,029
Like your current daybed?
156
00:05:24,049 --> 00:05:25,086
I mean, I guess so.
157
00:05:26,006 --> 00:05:30,001
Mm. Well, that's
just lovely!
158
00:05:31,085 --> 00:05:34,053
Okay, does anyone know
what that was about?
159
00:05:34,073 --> 00:05:35,080
Isaac, don't you see?
160
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,077
This daybed
is not just a daybed.
161
00:05:37,097 --> 00:05:40,061
It's a sign that you don't
want to get more serious.
162
00:05:40,081 --> 00:05:41,084
I recently had
a girlfriend for a week,
163
00:05:42,004 --> 00:05:43,044
so I know what
I'm talking about.
164
00:05:43,064 --> 00:05:46,014
I mean, I did just
ask Nigel to move in.
165
00:05:46,034 --> 00:05:49,011
Yeah, to the mansion,
but not into your room.
166
00:05:49,031 --> 00:05:52,059
And now by getting this
new bed that only sleeps one,
167
00:05:52,079 --> 00:05:56,056
you're showing you're nowhere
near making a real commitment.
168
00:05:56,076 --> 00:05:58,006
Which, honestly,
169
00:05:58,026 --> 00:06:01,089
I respect as a "hit it
and quit it" kind of girl.
170
00:06:02,009 --> 00:06:03,023
Oh, dear.
171
00:06:03,043 --> 00:06:05,083
This money,
it's complicating everything.
172
00:06:06,003 --> 00:06:07,080
I'd be better just
washing my hands of it.
173
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,017
Ironic.
174
00:06:09,037 --> 00:06:10,080
If you'd washed your hands
250 years ago,
175
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,044
you wouldn't have
pooped yourself to death.
176
00:06:12,064 --> 00:06:15,027
Thank you, Sass.
177
00:06:15,047 --> 00:06:16,094
Okay, so,
178
00:06:17,014 --> 00:06:18,071
inside this
manila envelope
179
00:06:18,091 --> 00:06:21,031
are the results
to Kelsey's DNA test.
180
00:06:21,051 --> 00:06:22,065
What is DNA?
181
00:06:22,085 --> 00:06:26,010
Stand for
deoxyribonucleic acid.
182
00:06:26,090 --> 00:06:28,059
They explain on
O.J. Simpson episode of
183
00:06:28,079 --> 00:06:29,092
How 'Bout Those Nineties.
184
00:06:30,012 --> 00:06:31,049
I just want to say,
185
00:06:31,069 --> 00:06:34,063
no matter what happens, Sam,
we'll always be family.
186
00:06:34,083 --> 00:06:36,036
Thank you, Kelsey.
187
00:06:36,056 --> 00:06:38,053
But if this does
go my way,
188
00:06:38,073 --> 00:06:39,057
is the furniture included?
189
00:06:39,077 --> 00:06:40,057
This was all here, right?
190
00:06:40,077 --> 00:06:41,083
Absolutely.
191
00:06:42,003 --> 00:06:42,097
Dude, whose lawyer are you?
192
00:06:43,017 --> 00:06:44,020
Well, technically I represent
193
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,034
the Woodstone Estate.
194
00:06:45,054 --> 00:06:46,087
So I guess... Hey-oh!
195
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:49,034
We're about to find out.
196
00:06:49,054 --> 00:06:51,011
God, it's like
an episode of Maury.
Who?
197
00:06:51,031 --> 00:06:54,021
TV show host also from '90s
who reveal baby daddies
198
00:06:54,041 --> 00:06:56,045
and send problematic teens
to boot camp.
199
00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:57,045
Oh, my.
200
00:06:57,065 --> 00:06:59,038
What? What is it?
201
00:06:59,059 --> 00:07:00,072
Wow.
202
00:07:00,092 --> 00:07:02,012
Oh, I mean, this is
frustrating for y'all,
203
00:07:02,032 --> 00:07:04,079
but as an entertainer,
I respect his showmanship.
204
00:07:04,099 --> 00:07:06,091
And the owner of
the mansion is...
205
00:07:11,038 --> 00:07:13,053
Ooh, this guy's good.
206
00:07:13,073 --> 00:07:14,083
She's in this room.
207
00:07:15,003 --> 00:07:16,030
Dan!
It's Kelsey, I'm sorry.
208
00:07:16,050 --> 00:07:17,050
It's Kelsey, it's Kelsey.
209
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:20,079
Congratulations.
210
00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:27,008
I can't believe this.
I finally get a cousin,
211
00:07:27,028 --> 00:07:29,035
and one day later,
she's taking the house from us?
212
00:07:29,055 --> 00:07:31,028
What about us?
We're going to lose you.
213
00:07:31,048 --> 00:07:32,082
Just when we finally
got a Living
214
00:07:33,002 --> 00:07:34,085
who can serve us...
215
00:07:35,005 --> 00:07:36,079
See us. See us.
216
00:07:36,099 --> 00:07:38,046
Thor and I have a plan.
217
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:39,076
You push Kelsey
down the stairs.
218
00:07:39,096 --> 00:07:41,059
Either she dies
and your problem is solved,
219
00:07:41,079 --> 00:07:43,046
or she can see ghosts,
and then our problem is solved.
220
00:07:43,066 --> 00:07:45,080
Though we will miss you.
221
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,033
Even though we now have
Kelsey to help us.
222
00:07:47,053 --> 00:07:49,054
Okay, interesting development.
223
00:07:49,074 --> 00:07:51,014
Dan says Kelsey is
willing to pay us
224
00:07:51,034 --> 00:07:53,064
a settlement to avoid
dragging things out in court.
225
00:07:53,084 --> 00:07:55,094
Way less than what
the house is worth,
226
00:07:56,014 --> 00:07:57,021
but at least we'd get something.
227
00:07:57,041 --> 00:07:58,081
I can't believe
this is happening.
228
00:07:59,001 --> 00:08:00,095
Yeah, it's like the weirdest
butterfly effect ever.
229
00:08:01,015 --> 00:08:03,072
Some '90s douche finance bro
falls in love with a dancer
230
00:08:03,092 --> 00:08:05,072
at Scores and now
we're out of a house.
231
00:08:05,092 --> 00:08:08,095
Wait, what did he say?
Get over it, Trevor,
you were all douches.
232
00:08:09,015 --> 00:08:10,052
No. No, no, no.
Scores?
233
00:08:10,072 --> 00:08:12,069
Woodstone wouldn't
have been at Scores.
234
00:08:12,089 --> 00:08:14,033
He got banned from there
when he tried to get
235
00:08:14,053 --> 00:08:15,096
autographs from Gary Dell'Abate
and Jeff the Drunk.
236
00:08:16,016 --> 00:08:18,023
Jeff the Drunk?
From the Wack Pack?
237
00:08:18,043 --> 00:08:19,080
We got a Howard Stern fan
in the house?
238
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,027
Okay, so the ban
happened in like...
239
00:08:21,047 --> 00:08:22,050
Baba Booey.
Jay, please,
240
00:08:22,070 --> 00:08:24,020
I'm getting important
information here.
241
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:25,057
Trevor's saying that
242
00:08:25,077 --> 00:08:26,067
David Woodstone was
banned from Scores.
243
00:08:26,087 --> 00:08:28,054
So, what are we saying here?
244
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:30,071
That David Woodstone
isn't actually the father?
245
00:08:30,091 --> 00:08:32,044
But how would
we prove that?
246
00:08:32,065 --> 00:08:35,075
Short of asking the ghost
of David Woodstone himself--
247
00:08:35,095 --> 00:08:37,088
Oh, right.
That's what we should do.
248
00:08:38,008 --> 00:08:39,012
I wonder where he died.
249
00:08:39,032 --> 00:08:40,062
Do we think perhaps Kelsey
250
00:08:40,082 --> 00:08:42,092
might spring for the upgraded
cable television package?
251
00:08:43,012 --> 00:08:44,012
I'm sorry,
252
00:08:44,032 --> 00:08:45,029
but we must emotionally
gird ourselves
253
00:08:45,049 --> 00:08:47,003
for a Sam-free future.
Okay.
254
00:08:47,023 --> 00:08:49,009
According to his obituary,
255
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,090
he died in Upstate New York
256
00:08:51,010 --> 00:08:52,077
at a gentlemen's club.
257
00:08:52,097 --> 00:08:55,073
Ooh, gentlemen's club.
That sounds classy.
258
00:08:55,093 --> 00:08:58,057
Just hope he didn't get
sucked off.
259
00:09:01,004 --> 00:09:02,044
Ugh. Of course this
is where he died.
260
00:09:02,064 --> 00:09:03,084
This place is so depressing.
261
00:09:04,004 --> 00:09:06,014
I've seen more
depressing.
262
00:09:06,034 --> 00:09:09,038
On TV. I've never been
to a strip club.
263
00:09:09,058 --> 00:09:12,038
Check it out, Schmitty,
new talent.
264
00:09:12,058 --> 00:09:13,080
Excuse me?
265
00:09:14,074 --> 00:09:16,076
W-Wait...
Are you a ghost?
266
00:09:16,096 --> 00:09:19,059
No. Are you
David Woodstone?
267
00:09:19,079 --> 00:09:20,073
Uh-huh.
268
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,096
I'm your descendent.
We're related.
269
00:09:23,016 --> 00:09:26,013
You mean, he's
actually here?
It would appear so.
270
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:28,007
Wow, we're so lucky
he didn't go up to heaven.
271
00:09:28,027 --> 00:09:30,099
This isn't heaven?
272
00:09:32,052 --> 00:09:34,001
In summation,
273
00:09:34,021 --> 00:09:37,051
for a hundred years, Hetty's
been pretending to be my friend.
274
00:09:37,071 --> 00:09:40,001
Withholding the truth
about how I died.
275
00:09:40,021 --> 00:09:41,081
This was a century
276
00:09:42,001 --> 00:09:43,055
of betrayal.
277
00:09:43,075 --> 00:09:44,085
And I hope this court
remembers that
278
00:09:45,005 --> 00:09:46,053
when it comes
time to sentence her.
279
00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:49,010
Hetty, do you deny
these charges?
280
00:09:50,011 --> 00:09:51,006
I do not.
281
00:09:51,026 --> 00:09:53,036
But I ask that the court
282
00:09:53,056 --> 00:09:55,053
consider the following.
283
00:09:55,073 --> 00:09:59,046
The Hetty of a hundred
years ago stayed silent
284
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,003
for many reasons.
285
00:10:01,023 --> 00:10:04,037
But the Hetty that stands
before you today did not.
286
00:10:04,057 --> 00:10:06,097
Thanks to women
like Alberta and Flower
287
00:10:07,017 --> 00:10:09,031
and Samantha
and a washing machine,
288
00:10:09,051 --> 00:10:11,064
I have changed.
Aw.
289
00:10:11,084 --> 00:10:13,081
In my time, women
were competition.
290
00:10:14,001 --> 00:10:15,068
But I now know
that they are friends.
291
00:10:15,088 --> 00:10:16,095
And I couldn't sit back
292
00:10:17,015 --> 00:10:18,072
and let my friend
Alberta believe
293
00:10:18,092 --> 00:10:20,069
her sister had killed her,
no matter the cost to me.
294
00:10:20,089 --> 00:10:22,097
And I know that may not
change the way you feel...
295
00:10:24,017 --> 00:10:26,029
...but I am deeply
sorry, Alberta.
296
00:10:26,049 --> 00:10:28,016
Wow.
297
00:10:28,036 --> 00:10:30,066
Not sure how the washing machine
got mixed up in all that,
298
00:10:30,086 --> 00:10:32,003
but still I was moved.
299
00:10:32,023 --> 00:10:34,020
The washing machine
gave her an orgasm.
300
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:36,017
Oh, cheese and crackers.
301
00:10:36,037 --> 00:10:37,080
Now, Alberta, you have a choice.
302
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,017
You can accept
Hetty's apology,
303
00:10:40,037 --> 00:10:41,044
put this matter behind us,
304
00:10:41,064 --> 00:10:43,001
house harmony restored.
305
00:10:43,021 --> 00:10:44,081
Or we can move
to the punishment phase.
306
00:10:45,001 --> 00:10:46,095
Punishment phase.
Are you sure?
307
00:10:47,015 --> 00:10:48,065
You can take some time
to think about it.
308
00:10:48,085 --> 00:10:51,025
Punishment phase.
Your girl wants blood.
309
00:10:51,045 --> 00:10:54,089
I'm just vexed
by this Nigel situation.
310
00:10:55,009 --> 00:10:57,012
Moving in together
as a ghost is different
311
00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:58,089
than moving in
together as a Living.
312
00:10:59,009 --> 00:11:00,066
The stakes are
much higher.
313
00:11:00,086 --> 00:11:02,039
I mean, what if
things go south?
314
00:11:02,059 --> 00:11:05,046
I will be heartbroken
for eternity.
315
00:11:05,066 --> 00:11:09,003
Taking chance at love
always carry risk.
316
00:11:09,023 --> 00:11:11,047
Like when I catch
Danish man with cousin.
317
00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:14,014
We disembowel the Dane
and force him to march
318
00:11:14,034 --> 00:11:16,037
until entrails wrap around tree.
319
00:11:16,057 --> 00:11:19,014
Okay.
For him,
320
00:11:19,034 --> 00:11:20,065
risk not work out.
321
00:11:20,085 --> 00:11:23,028
But sometimes risk do work out.
322
00:11:23,048 --> 00:11:24,065
Like with Thor and Flower.
323
00:11:24,085 --> 00:11:26,018
Isaac,
324
00:11:26,038 --> 00:11:27,079
relationships are
like sharks.
325
00:11:27,099 --> 00:11:30,066
Either they move forward
or they die.
326
00:11:30,086 --> 00:11:32,046
That's from
a Woody Allen movie.
327
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,046
And that guy knows
relationships.
328
00:11:34,066 --> 00:11:36,053
Did you ever move in
with anyone?
329
00:11:36,073 --> 00:11:39,070
Almost. Once.
330
00:11:39,090 --> 00:11:41,033
She wanted to
get engaged first.
331
00:11:41,053 --> 00:11:43,000
She wanted that commitment.
332
00:11:43,020 --> 00:11:45,064
I was only in my 30s,
had my whole life ahead of me.
333
00:11:45,084 --> 00:11:48,031
I thought.
334
00:11:48,051 --> 00:11:51,093
Very funny, because actually
die soon after.
335
00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:56,087
You two have been very helpful.
336
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,079
Hmm. Strip club sushi.
337
00:12:01,099 --> 00:12:04,056
It shouldn't look good.
But it does.
338
00:12:04,076 --> 00:12:06,026
That's what
I thought, man.
339
00:12:06,046 --> 00:12:08,016
Before it killed me.
340
00:12:08,036 --> 00:12:09,069
So, this chick just
shows up out of the blue
341
00:12:09,090 --> 00:12:12,000
and says
she's my daughter?
Pretty much.
342
00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:13,057
But there's something
off about her story.
343
00:12:13,077 --> 00:12:14,067
How old is she?
344
00:12:14,087 --> 00:12:16,033
She was born in '97.
345
00:12:16,053 --> 00:12:18,037
No, she can't be mine.
346
00:12:18,057 --> 00:12:20,004
I've been
shooting blanks since '93.
347
00:12:20,024 --> 00:12:23,004
Oh, okay.
What happened in '93?
348
00:12:23,024 --> 00:12:25,054
I dipped my balls into
a scalding hot coffee pot.
349
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,018
Why?
350
00:12:29,038 --> 00:12:30,085
Uh, my boy Ari said
that I wouldn't, so...
351
00:12:31,005 --> 00:12:34,019
Freaking love that guy.
Okay, this is huge.
352
00:12:34,039 --> 00:12:36,082
So she definitely
can't be your kid.
353
00:12:37,002 --> 00:12:38,062
No.
Uh, excuse me.
354
00:12:38,082 --> 00:12:40,053
You might want to
tell your husband
355
00:12:40,073 --> 00:12:42,043
that sushi was on top of
a stripper last night
356
00:12:42,063 --> 00:12:43,073
at a bachelor party.
357
00:12:43,093 --> 00:12:45,093
Babe, they got
all-you-can-eat sushi.
358
00:12:46,013 --> 00:12:48,065
It's better than you'd think.
359
00:12:53,052 --> 00:12:54,077
Matters are on my mind,
360
00:12:54,097 --> 00:12:56,098
and we must speak.
Let me get right to it.
361
00:12:57,018 --> 00:12:58,064
Nigel, it seems apparent
362
00:12:58,084 --> 00:13:00,091
that you wish for us
to move in together.
363
00:13:01,011 --> 00:13:04,035
You read my storm-out
correctly, Captain Higgintoot.
364
00:13:04,055 --> 00:13:05,072
I don't know
how else to say this,
365
00:13:05,092 --> 00:13:07,042
but I fear that
our relationship is not
366
00:13:07,062 --> 00:13:08,085
at the stage in which
I would feel
367
00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:10,071
comfortable cohabitating.
368
00:13:12,011 --> 00:13:13,039
I see.
369
00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:17,055
So let's take our
relationship to that stage.
370
00:13:18,035 --> 00:13:19,058
I'm sorry?
371
00:13:21,022 --> 00:13:23,077
Now it is I who gasp.
372
00:13:23,097 --> 00:13:25,014
Nigel...
373
00:13:25,034 --> 00:13:26,079
Yes, Isaac?
374
00:13:27,079 --> 00:13:29,041
Will you make me
375
00:13:29,061 --> 00:13:33,045
the happiest ghost
on the entire property?
376
00:13:33,065 --> 00:13:34,068
No.
377
00:13:34,088 --> 00:13:36,021
I will make you
the second happiest.
378
00:13:36,041 --> 00:13:39,075
Get up so I can look
my fiancé in the eye.
379
00:13:39,095 --> 00:13:41,062
Oh, my only regret is
that I lack the ability
380
00:13:41,082 --> 00:13:43,096
to physically place
a ring on this finger.
381
00:13:44,016 --> 00:13:47,076
You've already embedded a shiny
metal object deep in my heart.
382
00:13:47,096 --> 00:13:50,053
You're referring to the bullet
I killed you with.
383
00:13:50,073 --> 00:13:52,023
Or, as Samantha would say,
384
00:13:52,043 --> 00:13:53,033
our meet cute.
385
00:13:53,053 --> 00:13:57,020
So, we can move in
together now?
386
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,060
My fiancé?
387
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,044
Absolutely.
388
00:14:00,064 --> 00:14:02,057
Oh, and I'll ask Samantha
if we can just use
389
00:14:02,077 --> 00:14:04,038
one of the extra
guest rooms.
390
00:14:04,058 --> 00:14:06,028
If she says no, I'll tell her
she's being homophobic.
391
00:14:06,048 --> 00:14:07,068
It gets stuff done.
392
00:14:07,088 --> 00:14:09,095
And perhaps we can use
that money of yours
393
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,092
to buy a king-sized bed.
394
00:14:12,012 --> 00:14:13,032
That might be nice.
395
00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:14,049
Yeah, nothing better
than a king.
396
00:14:14,069 --> 00:14:16,055
Oh, I see what
you did there.
397
00:14:16,075 --> 00:14:18,069
It's hard to beat me
in a battle of wits.
398
00:14:18,089 --> 00:14:21,053
Well, a battle of armies
on the other hand...
399
00:14:21,073 --> 00:14:23,043
We will have fun.
400
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,063
We've reached a verdict.
401
00:14:25,083 --> 00:14:28,003
Henrietta Woodstone,
for your crimes,
402
00:14:28,023 --> 00:14:31,007
you are hereby sentenced
to banishment in the woods
403
00:14:31,027 --> 00:14:32,077
for a period of one year.
404
00:14:32,097 --> 00:14:34,061
A year?
405
00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:37,048
Thor only got three days
for chopping Peter in half.
406
00:14:37,068 --> 00:14:39,051
Ended up staying entire week.
407
00:14:39,071 --> 00:14:43,008
Bonded with family of beetles
that taught me life lessons.
408
00:14:43,028 --> 00:14:45,098
Wow. A year.
Y'all don't mess around.
409
00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:48,000
It is quite harsh.
410
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,036
But I accept my fate.
411
00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:54,036
And do not worry about me.
412
00:14:54,056 --> 00:14:56,033
When the weather turns
I shall take shelter
413
00:14:56,053 --> 00:14:58,096
in the old outhouse
we reserved for the help
414
00:14:59,016 --> 00:15:00,047
and foreign-born guests.
415
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,050
Hey, guys.
416
00:15:01,070 --> 00:15:02,094
Did you hear the big news?
417
00:15:03,014 --> 00:15:04,074
Isaac and Nigel
are engaged.
418
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,061
What?
Yes.
419
00:15:07,081 --> 00:15:09,031
They're moving in together,
the whole megillah.
420
00:15:09,051 --> 00:15:11,014
That's incredible.
We should all celebrate
421
00:15:11,034 --> 00:15:12,074
after Thor dumps Hetty
in the woods.
422
00:15:12,094 --> 00:15:13,090
Wait, what?
423
00:15:14,073 --> 00:15:16,015
She's been convicted
by the Ghost Court.
424
00:15:16,035 --> 00:15:17,038
Thor, take her away.
425
00:15:17,058 --> 00:15:18,095
Can't it just wait
a moment?
426
00:15:19,015 --> 00:15:21,055
I would like to take part
in the celebrations.
427
00:15:21,075 --> 00:15:23,099
You celebrate with
beetle friends now.
428
00:15:26,002 --> 00:15:27,074
Wait.
429
00:15:28,074 --> 00:15:29,069
Uh...
430
00:15:29,089 --> 00:15:31,050
So, like...
431
00:15:31,070 --> 00:15:35,017
can I still meet up
with Hetty for our daily walks?
432
00:15:35,037 --> 00:15:36,050
Yeah, that's not really
433
00:15:36,070 --> 00:15:38,030
how the whole
banishment thing works.
434
00:15:38,050 --> 00:15:39,070
What about conjugal visits?
435
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:44,051
Not in this situation,
obviously.
436
00:15:44,071 --> 00:15:45,088
But if I ever get banished
437
00:15:46,008 --> 00:15:47,098
and there's a Swedish
bikini team ghost
438
00:15:48,018 --> 00:15:50,012
that I'm schtupping?
439
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,062
There is no
outside contact allowed.
440
00:15:51,082 --> 00:15:55,039
So like, I can't even
watch TV with her sometimes?
441
00:15:55,059 --> 00:15:57,069
Who am I gonna make
my naughty Momoa comments to?
442
00:15:57,089 --> 00:16:00,026
I'm around and ready to
objectify that man.
443
00:16:00,046 --> 00:16:01,056
It's not the same.
444
00:16:01,076 --> 00:16:03,073
You said you wanted her
punished, Alberta.
445
00:16:03,093 --> 00:16:04,086
I think.
446
00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:06,043
Sometimes I hear things.
Yeah.
447
00:16:06,063 --> 00:16:08,083
But I don't want to go
a whole year without...
448
00:16:09,003 --> 00:16:09,097
my friend.
449
00:16:10,017 --> 00:16:13,001
Well, you could forgive her.
450
00:16:13,021 --> 00:16:15,089
That would allow the court
to vacate her sentence.
451
00:16:16,069 --> 00:16:20,005
Okay, I might be able to
forgive you, Hetty.
452
00:16:20,025 --> 00:16:22,068
But I want something if you're
going to stay in this house.
453
00:16:22,088 --> 00:16:23,082
Anything.
454
00:16:24,002 --> 00:16:26,088
Well, if Isaac's moving in
with Nigel,
455
00:16:27,009 --> 00:16:29,009
then you've got that big
room all to yourself.
456
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:32,019
So how about I get your room,
and you move in with Flower?
457
00:16:32,039 --> 00:16:33,056
New roomie?
458
00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:36,079
I'm gonna braid your hair
while you're sleeping.
459
00:16:38,026 --> 00:16:39,026
Well, what's it
gonna be, Hetty?
460
00:16:39,046 --> 00:16:40,083
Flower or the woods?
461
00:16:41,003 --> 00:16:43,084
If I could just see if
the outhouse still has a roof.
462
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:45,017
Seriously?
Fine.
463
00:16:45,037 --> 00:16:48,036
Fine.
Thank you, Alberta.
464
00:16:49,032 --> 00:16:50,071
I truly am sorry.
465
00:16:50,091 --> 00:16:52,014
I know.
466
00:16:52,034 --> 00:16:54,055
And it's a good thing you've
embraced female friendships
467
00:16:54,075 --> 00:16:57,018
'cause you're going to get
a lot of practice with Flower.
468
00:16:57,038 --> 00:16:58,048
Oh, oh, oh...
469
00:16:58,068 --> 00:16:59,095
Do you want to be
the engine or the caboose
470
00:17:00,015 --> 00:17:01,019
in the massage train?
471
00:17:01,039 --> 00:17:02,065
It just doesn't even
make any sense.
472
00:17:02,085 --> 00:17:04,029
There's only
the two of us.
473
00:17:04,049 --> 00:17:06,076
Not every conversation
has to make sense.
474
00:17:06,096 --> 00:17:08,083
We're gonna have
so much fun!
475
00:17:09,003 --> 00:17:10,063
Yay!
476
00:17:10,083 --> 00:17:13,003
Ooh, God.
477
00:17:13,023 --> 00:17:15,050
So he was shooting blanks?
478
00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:16,083
That makes so much sense!
479
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,037
That's why he was always
raw-dogging it.
480
00:17:18,057 --> 00:17:22,004
A life without
consequences.
481
00:17:22,024 --> 00:17:23,051
What a gift.
482
00:17:23,071 --> 00:17:26,074
So, how he die
in strip club?
483
00:17:26,094 --> 00:17:29,025
I like to say I died
in a motorboating accident.
484
00:17:29,045 --> 00:17:33,032
I had an aneurism with my head
pressed between two boobs.
485
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,077
I didn't ask.
486
00:17:36,064 --> 00:17:38,039
So, you wanted to talk
about my offer?
487
00:17:38,059 --> 00:17:40,023
Yeah, uh, we did.
488
00:17:40,043 --> 00:17:43,043
We just thought before
we make our final decision,
489
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:45,030
we want to do
another DNA test,
490
00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:46,040
just to be sure.
491
00:17:46,060 --> 00:17:48,070
Okay, why?
492
00:17:48,090 --> 00:17:50,030
Because we've recently
uncovered evidence
493
00:17:50,050 --> 00:17:53,004
that suggests
David Woodstone was sterile.
494
00:17:53,024 --> 00:17:54,077
We're not accusing you
of anything.
495
00:17:54,097 --> 00:17:56,041
We just want you to
take another test
496
00:17:56,061 --> 00:17:58,003
from a different company.
497
00:17:59,016 --> 00:18:01,028
Dan, what should I do?
498
00:18:01,048 --> 00:18:02,071
Why is she asking him?
499
00:18:02,091 --> 00:18:04,058
Why is she asking you?
500
00:18:04,078 --> 00:18:06,078
I have no idea.
Dan, you said
this would work.
501
00:18:06,098 --> 00:18:09,009
Okay, clearly,
this woman is having
502
00:18:09,029 --> 00:18:11,019
some sort of
a mental breakdown.
No, I'm not.
503
00:18:11,039 --> 00:18:12,062
He said he'd give
me $10,000
504
00:18:12,082 --> 00:18:14,043
if I pretended to be
your cousin.
What?!
505
00:18:14,063 --> 00:18:15,079
Dan, you were in
on this?
506
00:18:15,099 --> 00:18:17,010
No!
Yes!
507
00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,046
Normally, I would stand up
and confront you,
508
00:18:18,066 --> 00:18:20,040
but I ate strip club
sushi, and...
509
00:18:20,060 --> 00:18:22,053
my stomach's not feeling
so good right now.
510
00:18:22,073 --> 00:18:25,014
So, why don't you tell us
what's going on?
511
00:18:25,034 --> 00:18:27,021
Okay, you know what?
Fine.
512
00:18:27,041 --> 00:18:29,017
Recently,
I was contacted
513
00:18:29,037 --> 00:18:31,044
by a major hotel chain with
an offer to buy your home
514
00:18:31,064 --> 00:18:33,055
for way over market value.
515
00:18:33,075 --> 00:18:35,075
Simultaneously,
the New York Knicks
516
00:18:35,095 --> 00:18:38,002
have been blowing some very
large second half leads.
517
00:18:38,022 --> 00:18:40,052
Yeah, they're resting their
starters, it's driving me nuts.
518
00:18:40,072 --> 00:18:43,022
But that is not what we're
talking about right now.
519
00:18:43,042 --> 00:18:45,016
So, you were trying to trick us
into selling you our house
520
00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:47,043
for basically nothing
so you could turn it around
521
00:18:47,063 --> 00:18:48,079
and sell it at a huge profit,
522
00:18:48,099 --> 00:18:50,096
all to pay off
some gambling debts?
523
00:18:51,016 --> 00:18:52,013
Well summarized, babe.
524
00:18:52,033 --> 00:18:54,013
That's all water under
the bridge, okay?
525
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,047
What is important is,
526
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:58,000
there is a very substantial
offer on the table
527
00:18:58,020 --> 00:19:00,024
for your house
from the Four Seasons.
528
00:19:00,044 --> 00:19:01,081
Now, look.
529
00:19:02,001 --> 00:19:03,098
There is no one better
to help you navigate
530
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:06,011
that tricky sale
than your man Dan.
531
00:19:06,031 --> 00:19:08,031
No!
Get out of our house!
532
00:19:08,051 --> 00:19:09,051
Both of youse.
533
00:19:09,071 --> 00:19:10,075
When you say,
"Get out of our house,"
534
00:19:10,095 --> 00:19:12,035
do you mean after
my free weekend stay?
535
00:19:12,055 --> 00:19:14,012
Just go!
536
00:19:14,032 --> 00:19:17,051
I'd walk you to the door,
but I am afraid to stand up.
537
00:19:23,035 --> 00:19:24,073
Thank you for coming with me
538
00:19:24,093 --> 00:19:27,000
to get Pepto Bismol.
You're welcome.
539
00:19:27,020 --> 00:19:29,073
I can't believe
we almost lost the house.
But we didn't, babe.
540
00:19:29,093 --> 00:19:31,090
Your dead uncle dipped
his balls in a pot of coffee
541
00:19:32,010 --> 00:19:34,077
and everything
turned out fine.
Yeah, that's true.
542
00:19:34,097 --> 00:19:36,064
It was scary though.
Yeah.
543
00:19:36,084 --> 00:19:38,021
And just to be clear,
544
00:19:38,041 --> 00:19:39,094
we're not gonna take the offer
from the Four Seasons?
545
00:19:40,014 --> 00:19:42,035
Come on, we could
never leave the ghosts.
Yeah.
546
00:19:42,055 --> 00:19:45,032
I love those stupid
invisible bastards.
547
00:19:45,052 --> 00:19:47,025
Think about how much
our lives have changed
548
00:19:47,045 --> 00:19:48,085
in these past two years.
549
00:19:49,005 --> 00:19:52,089
Each one of the ghosts has come
to mean so much to me.
550
00:19:53,009 --> 00:19:54,069
I never had a lot of family.
551
00:19:54,089 --> 00:19:56,073
But the truth is,
552
00:19:56,093 --> 00:20:00,006
these days we're
surrounded by family.
553
00:20:00,026 --> 00:20:01,050
And yes, they can be frustrating
554
00:20:01,070 --> 00:20:04,000
and demanding and childish.
555
00:20:05,057 --> 00:20:07,000
But I've also seen them grow.
556
00:20:07,020 --> 00:20:10,024
Seen them be loving and giving
557
00:20:10,044 --> 00:20:12,021
and sweet.
558
00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:14,048
And the thing is,
559
00:20:14,068 --> 00:20:16,051
for as much as we help them,
560
00:20:16,071 --> 00:20:18,092
they've made our lives
so much richer.
561
00:20:19,012 --> 00:20:23,012
Not in the financial
sense, but sure.
562
00:20:23,032 --> 00:20:25,036
I just can't imagine
not having them around.
563
00:20:25,056 --> 00:20:27,056
Yeah, I feel
the same way.
564
00:20:27,076 --> 00:20:28,056
I mean...
565
00:20:28,076 --> 00:20:30,063
Oh, my God.
566
00:20:30,083 --> 00:20:31,085
What?
567
00:20:33,062 --> 00:20:35,047
I think one of the ghosts
just got sucked off.
568
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,013
What? Who?
569
00:20:37,034 --> 00:20:39,020
I have no idea.
570
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:42,032
I hope it's Trevor.
571
00:20:51,065 --> 00:20:54,025
and TOYOTA.
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