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1
00:00:00,793 --> 00:00:02,002
[♪♪♪♪♪]
2
00:00:04,487 --> 00:00:07,455
Murray, it's just
dental hygiene.
3
00:00:07,593 --> 00:00:09,699
Oh, come on.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
4
00:00:09,837 --> 00:00:12,219
Oh, come on!
5
00:00:13,082 --> 00:00:15,187
You've changed.
6
00:00:15,325 --> 00:00:16,223
[♪♪♪♪♪]
7
00:00:22,091 --> 00:00:23,506
MAN:
Physics for 200.
8
00:00:23,644 --> 00:00:26,509
TREBEK:
This isotope is used
to make an atomic bomb.
9
00:00:26,647 --> 00:00:27,510
Okay, uh, no, no.
10
00:00:27,648 --> 00:00:28,994
What is kryptonite?
Kryptonite?
11
00:00:29,132 --> 00:00:30,547
No, no. The hot stuff
that gets hot--
12
00:00:30,685 --> 00:00:32,825
MAN: What is uranium 235?
TREBEK: Yes.
13
00:00:32,963 --> 00:00:34,379
All right, like
I'm gonna know that.
14
00:00:34,517 --> 00:00:35,863
MAN: Okay. Abbreviations for 300.
15
00:00:36,001 --> 00:00:37,106
TREBEK:
In the military,
16
00:00:37,244 --> 00:00:39,384
it's what the initials
G.I. stand for.
17
00:00:39,522 --> 00:00:41,386
G.I., G.I.--
18
00:00:41,524 --> 00:00:43,319
Gee, your hair
smells terrific.
19
00:00:43,457 --> 00:00:45,217
G...general,
general, general...
20
00:00:45,355 --> 00:00:46,391
Get me out
of the army now.
21
00:00:46,529 --> 00:00:47,909
[BUZZ]
22
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,084
MAN: What is "government issue"?
TREBEK: Right.
23
00:00:50,222 --> 00:00:51,844
Government-- all right,
G.I.-- G.I.Joe.
24
00:00:51,982 --> 00:00:52,949
[BUZZ]
G.I.Joe.
25
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:54,571
Of course. Well,
what is Guadalcanal?
26
00:00:54,709 --> 00:00:55,710
That's the doorbell.
27
00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:58,299
MAN: Okay. Hail to the chief for 400,
28
00:00:58,437 --> 00:01:00,405
the easiest one
on the board.
29
00:01:00,543 --> 00:01:02,165
TREBEK: This was L.B.J.'s middle name.
30
00:01:02,303 --> 00:01:03,373
I know it!
31
00:01:03,511 --> 00:01:04,650
Barry? No. Boo boo?
Bob, Bob.
32
00:01:04,788 --> 00:01:05,686
Biff?
33
00:01:05,824 --> 00:01:06,928
Billy Bob?
Lyndon Billy Bob?
34
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:07,929
Lyndon Bristol--
35
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:08,930
Hays, Hays, Hays.
36
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:09,966
I think it's Hays.
37
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,795
B...L.B.J.
38
00:01:11,933 --> 00:01:13,142
Not Hays.
Not Hays.
39
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,419
[BUZZ]
40
00:01:14,557 --> 00:01:16,076
MAN: What is "Baines"?
BOTH: Baines!
41
00:01:16,214 --> 00:01:17,767
I knew that.
42
00:01:17,905 --> 00:01:18,940
Were we always
this stupid,
43
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:19,941
or is this recent?
44
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:20,942
What?
45
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,358
What what?
46
00:01:24,049 --> 00:01:25,913
Hello, skunkie. Hi.
47
00:01:26,051 --> 00:01:27,673
All right,
which one of you
48
00:01:27,811 --> 00:01:30,469
picked Moby Dick
for the book club?
49
00:01:30,607 --> 00:01:31,746
Okay, that was her.
50
00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:33,921
I wanted
I Like Lollipops
51
00:01:34,059 --> 00:01:35,854
by Telly Savalas,
but no...
52
00:01:35,992 --> 00:01:37,338
Moby Dick.
53
00:01:37,476 --> 00:01:39,444
Moby Dickis a classic.
54
00:01:39,582 --> 00:01:41,963
Hey, Telly Savalas--
pretty complicated man.
55
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,172
What do you got there?
56
00:01:43,310 --> 00:01:45,933
A little gift for my niece.
57
00:01:46,071 --> 00:01:49,385
Buchman and Stemple
family trees.
58
00:01:49,523 --> 00:01:50,455
Wow!
59
00:01:50,593 --> 00:01:51,456
Look at that!
60
00:01:51,594 --> 00:01:52,733
Yeah, isn't that
something?
61
00:01:52,871 --> 00:01:54,044
See how far back
they go?
62
00:01:54,183 --> 00:01:56,495
Look at that.
Yeah, Spartacus Stemple.
63
00:01:56,633 --> 00:01:58,635
Who knew?
You mock,
64
00:01:58,773 --> 00:02:01,397
but this way your daughter will
know from whence she came.
65
00:02:01,535 --> 00:02:02,570
From Holland, apparently.
66
00:02:02,708 --> 00:02:04,193
So you're really--
you're part
67
00:02:04,331 --> 00:02:06,816
Holland-- Hollandish--
Holl-- Hollandarian?
68
00:02:06,954 --> 00:02:08,404
Holl-- Hollandaise...
69
00:02:08,542 --> 00:02:09,750
Dutch?
70
00:02:09,888 --> 00:02:11,752
Dutch! Okay,
'cause all right...
71
00:02:11,890 --> 00:02:14,996
I want to point out just
a little sort of anomaly.
72
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,895
If you look at the Stemple
73
00:02:17,033 --> 00:02:18,483
great-great-great-
grandmother--
74
00:02:18,621 --> 00:02:19,587
Hester.
75
00:02:19,725 --> 00:02:22,521
She is connected
by a squiggly line to...
76
00:02:22,659 --> 00:02:23,522
Irwin Buchman.
77
00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:25,317
That's funny.
So then, if you go
78
00:02:25,455 --> 00:02:27,526
to the Buchman great-
great-great-grandfather--
79
00:02:27,664 --> 00:02:28,907
Irwin Buchman--
80
00:02:29,045 --> 00:02:31,185
his son Maximilian...
81
00:02:31,323 --> 00:02:33,774
known as Jorge to his friends,
which is interesting.
82
00:02:33,912 --> 00:02:36,984
Is also connected
by a squiggly line to...
83
00:02:37,122 --> 00:02:39,538
Eleanor, daughter of
Romulus and Alexa.
84
00:02:39,676 --> 00:02:40,677
Exactly.
85
00:02:40,815 --> 00:02:42,541
I don't know what you're
talking about.
86
00:02:42,679 --> 00:02:43,715
What, what, what?
87
00:02:43,853 --> 00:02:45,337
You're cousins.
88
00:02:46,683 --> 00:02:47,960
We're all cousins.
89
00:02:48,098 --> 00:02:52,310
And worse yet, in fact,
we are descended from cousins.
90
00:02:58,316 --> 00:03:00,456
I told you
we were stupid.
91
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,011
PAUL:
Honey, I can't
believe you waited
92
00:03:04,149 --> 00:03:05,875
till the day before
the book club
93
00:03:06,013 --> 00:03:07,256
to read Moby Dick.
94
00:03:07,394 --> 00:03:08,912
On the off chance
we don't make it
95
00:03:09,050 --> 00:03:10,224
all the way
through the books,
96
00:03:10,362 --> 00:03:11,915
maybe we should pick up
the Cliff Notes.
97
00:03:12,053 --> 00:03:14,366
The Cliff Notesfor this
are gonna be 200 pages.
98
00:03:14,504 --> 00:03:16,713
Is there, like, a pop-up book
or something we could get?
99
00:03:16,851 --> 00:03:18,439
Next thing, we'll be
renting the movie.
100
00:03:18,577 --> 00:03:20,061
Good idea.
Hey, look at this!
101
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,271
So You Think You Married Your Cousin.
102
00:03:24,273 --> 00:03:25,895
That's a joke book.
103
00:03:26,033 --> 00:03:29,347
No, it's n-- Oh, Jeff Foxworthy.
Okay. All right.
104
00:03:29,485 --> 00:03:30,796
Come here.
105
00:03:30,934 --> 00:03:32,971
The Complete Guide to
Genealogical Relationships.
106
00:03:33,109 --> 00:03:34,973
Let's just look
and see exactly
107
00:03:35,111 --> 00:03:37,078
how disgusting
and immoral we are.
108
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,079
Okay, right here.
109
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,080
So if we're...
110
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,566
So according
to this, we are--
111
00:03:41,704 --> 00:03:43,568
Fourth cousins
once-- once removed.
112
00:03:43,706 --> 00:03:45,811
No, not-- not removed.
You're only removed
113
00:03:45,949 --> 00:03:47,986
if you're not
the same generation.
114
00:03:48,124 --> 00:03:49,090
So we're fourth cousins?
115
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,471
I think so.
116
00:03:50,609 --> 00:03:52,646
So that means I'm a cousin
of somebody who is a cousin
117
00:03:52,784 --> 00:03:55,269
who has as their cousin somebody
who is a cousin of yours?
118
00:03:55,407 --> 00:03:56,512
Huh?
119
00:03:56,650 --> 00:03:58,928
Maybe children of cousins
are not the best people
120
00:03:59,066 --> 00:04:00,654
to be figuring this kind
of thing out.
121
00:04:00,792 --> 00:04:02,759
We're fourth cousins,
Paul.
122
00:04:02,897 --> 00:04:04,416
Okay, so we're
fourth cousins.
123
00:04:04,554 --> 00:04:05,624
Big deal.
124
00:04:05,762 --> 00:04:06,936
Not a problem. Fine.
125
00:04:07,074 --> 00:04:08,075
Ugh!
126
00:04:08,213 --> 00:04:09,732
Gaaaaa,
I don't like this.
127
00:04:09,870 --> 00:04:12,010
This is not supposed
to happen to people like us.
128
00:04:12,148 --> 00:04:13,908
Not to use stereotypes
or, you know, labels,
129
00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:15,082
but this is
the kind of thing
130
00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:16,601
that generally happens
to people
131
00:04:16,739 --> 00:04:18,775
a little more hillish
and a little more billyish.
132
00:04:18,913 --> 00:04:20,121
I'll tell you this much.
133
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,571
We are hiding
those family trees,
134
00:04:21,709 --> 00:04:23,297
and we're swearing
Debbie to secrecy.
135
00:04:23,435 --> 00:04:26,093
Oh, believe me. Can you imagine
what my mother's gonna say?
136
00:04:26,231 --> 00:04:28,129
Oy. So what do
we do now?
137
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,443
Go home, grab our banjo,
and brush our tooth.
138
00:04:34,550 --> 00:04:35,447
[♪♪♪♪♪]
139
00:04:37,104 --> 00:04:38,519
PAUL:
All right, congratulations.
140
00:04:38,657 --> 00:04:40,349
We've been reading Moby Dickfor 2 hours.
141
00:04:40,487 --> 00:04:41,350
What page are you on?
142
00:04:41,488 --> 00:04:42,420
Four.
143
00:04:42,558 --> 00:04:43,421
Good for you.
144
00:04:43,559 --> 00:04:44,698
It starts on 3.
145
00:04:44,836 --> 00:04:46,424
I understand. Ask me
what page I'm on.
146
00:04:46,562 --> 00:04:47,425
What page?
147
00:04:47,563 --> 00:04:48,426
Three.
148
00:04:48,564 --> 00:04:50,428
Why does he type
so small?
149
00:04:50,566 --> 00:04:51,843
He shouldn't.
150
00:04:51,981 --> 00:04:53,569
No. You write
a book, be proud.
151
00:04:53,707 --> 00:04:54,570
And be clear.
152
00:04:54,708 --> 00:04:55,674
You know,
how about this?
153
00:04:55,812 --> 00:04:57,331
You want to maybe
split it up?
154
00:04:57,469 --> 00:04:58,815
I'll read half,
you read half,
155
00:04:58,953 --> 00:05:01,922
and later we'll tell each other
what happened in the other half.
156
00:05:02,060 --> 00:05:04,959
All right, so that would
be half of 857,
157
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:06,444
so that would be 430...
158
00:05:06,582 --> 00:05:07,445
It's 4...
159
00:05:07,583 --> 00:05:08,756
No, actually 20...
160
00:05:08,894 --> 00:05:10,482
Is that 420?
161
00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:12,450
Four, six-- you didn't
carry-- carry the one.
162
00:05:12,588 --> 00:05:14,141
Four-- hold it.
What did you say, 850?
163
00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:16,488
It's a lot of pages.
Whatever it is.
164
00:05:16,626 --> 00:05:17,903
How about this,
how about this?
165
00:05:18,041 --> 00:05:19,974
I'll read the end,
and you read the beginning,
166
00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:21,321
and we'll just skip
the middle.
167
00:05:21,459 --> 00:05:23,012
You're not gonna
understand the end
168
00:05:23,150 --> 00:05:25,083
if you don't read the beginning
and the middle.
169
00:05:25,221 --> 00:05:26,671
Oh, I'm not gonna
understand the end
170
00:05:26,809 --> 00:05:28,949
even if do read the beginning
and the middle.
171
00:05:29,087 --> 00:05:30,778
You would just skip
the whole middle?
172
00:05:30,916 --> 00:05:32,262
Yeah! What happens
in the middle?
173
00:05:32,401 --> 00:05:34,541
Nothing happens in the middle,
nothing important,
174
00:05:34,679 --> 00:05:36,197
otherwise you wouldn't
need the end.
175
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,993
I am not ready to throw in
the towel and cheat.
176
00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:40,754
All right.
Let me tell you,
177
00:05:40,892 --> 00:05:42,618
you can run from
the chromosomal mistakes
178
00:05:42,756 --> 00:05:44,378
of our ancestors,
but you can't hide.
179
00:05:44,516 --> 00:05:46,311
The fact that we
can't read Moby Dick
180
00:05:46,449 --> 00:05:47,864
has nothing to do
with being cousins.
181
00:05:48,002 --> 00:05:49,141
So what is it?
182
00:05:49,279 --> 00:05:50,557
Part of it is aging.
183
00:05:50,695 --> 00:05:52,800
Scientists say the older you
get, the less you retain.
184
00:05:52,938 --> 00:05:53,905
What scientists?
185
00:05:54,043 --> 00:05:55,251
I read a thing.
Where?
186
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:56,321
60 Minutes.
187
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,289
[♪♪♪♪♪]
188
00:06:05,951 --> 00:06:06,780
PAUL:
Sweetie?
189
00:06:06,918 --> 00:06:07,988
Yeah?
190
00:06:08,126 --> 00:06:09,921
Do you suppose we
could call up Cliff
191
00:06:10,059 --> 00:06:13,131
and ask him what the hell
he's talking about?
192
00:06:13,269 --> 00:06:15,616
Maybe they have Cliff Notes
for the Cliff Notes.
193
00:06:15,754 --> 00:06:17,480
Yeah. Let me know when you're
ready to give in
194
00:06:17,618 --> 00:06:19,068
and watch the movie.
Warm up the VCR.
195
00:06:19,206 --> 00:06:20,138
[MUTTERS]
196
00:06:21,277 --> 00:06:24,073
MR. MAGOO:
Thar she blows!
197
00:06:24,211 --> 00:06:27,387
It was a great
white whale, Moby Dick.
198
00:06:27,525 --> 00:06:30,251
And tonight in the story
of the same name,
199
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,977
I play the part
of Ishmael...
200
00:06:32,115 --> 00:06:35,464
I can't believe you got
the Mr. Magoo version.
201
00:06:35,602 --> 00:06:37,949
...Queequeg. That's it.
202
00:06:38,087 --> 00:06:39,260
It's a little loud.
203
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,539
That's the only way
to enjoy Magoo.
204
00:06:41,677 --> 00:06:43,541
He would take
his trusty harpoon,
205
00:06:43,679 --> 00:06:45,335
and standing in the prow
of the whale boat,
206
00:06:45,474 --> 00:06:47,337
he'd let fly
with unerring aim!
207
00:06:47,476 --> 00:06:50,168
And then there
was Captain Ahab.
208
00:06:50,306 --> 00:06:52,204
Oh, that man had
terrible problems
209
00:06:52,342 --> 00:06:54,724
battling the great
white whale--
210
00:06:54,862 --> 00:06:56,346
a hurricane and a storm,
211
00:06:56,485 --> 00:06:58,210
and then his ship
was hit--
212
00:06:58,348 --> 00:06:59,660
All right, that's enough.
213
00:06:59,798 --> 00:07:01,144
I'm enjoying this!
214
00:07:01,282 --> 00:07:02,422
It's not gonna help.
215
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:03,699
How do you know?
216
00:07:03,837 --> 00:07:05,804
Because this is totally
different from the book.
217
00:07:05,942 --> 00:07:07,012
You didn't read
the book.
218
00:07:07,150 --> 00:07:08,669
No, but I'm guessing
that in the book
219
00:07:08,807 --> 00:07:11,189
Ishmael doesn't try harpooning a
goldfish instead of a whale
220
00:07:11,327 --> 00:07:13,916
'cause he's
so nearsighted!
221
00:07:14,054 --> 00:07:16,539
Well, fine. The book club
is in 16 hours,
222
00:07:16,677 --> 00:07:18,576
so what
do you suggest?
223
00:07:18,714 --> 00:07:20,543
All right, come here.
224
00:07:20,681 --> 00:07:23,684
I suggest a little
visual aid.
225
00:07:23,822 --> 00:07:25,997
The problem with this book
is there's too many words
226
00:07:26,135 --> 00:07:27,239
and not enough pictures.
227
00:07:27,377 --> 00:07:29,138
Yes, there's, like,
virtually no pictures.
228
00:07:29,276 --> 00:07:30,519
Mm-hmm. We have
to encapsulate.
229
00:07:30,657 --> 00:07:33,556
We have to summarize.
We have to hone in
230
00:07:33,694 --> 00:07:36,214
on the few facts that we're
absolutely sure of.
231
00:07:36,352 --> 00:07:37,491
All right, great.
232
00:07:37,629 --> 00:07:39,597
Which-- What-- what
would those facts be?
233
00:07:39,735 --> 00:07:41,253
Okay. All right.
234
00:07:41,391 --> 00:07:44,705
This...is the ship,
the Pequod.
235
00:07:44,843 --> 00:07:46,431
Pequod.
236
00:07:46,569 --> 00:07:47,950
Okay. And this...
237
00:07:49,089 --> 00:07:50,470
is the whale.
238
00:07:51,609 --> 00:07:52,541
Moby.
239
00:07:52,679 --> 00:07:53,542
Moby Dick.
240
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:57,925
And this is
the captain...
241
00:07:58,063 --> 00:07:59,306
Ahab.
242
00:07:59,444 --> 00:08:01,481
Doesn't look like
a captain, but...
243
00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:13,113
that's all I'm asking.
244
00:08:13,251 --> 00:08:14,148
All right.
245
00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:17,013
From what I understand,
Ahab...
246
00:08:17,151 --> 00:08:18,636
on the Pequod...
247
00:08:18,774 --> 00:08:19,947
Yeah?
248
00:08:20,085 --> 00:08:22,156
Hunts Moby...
249
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:25,159
who kills Ahab.
250
00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:27,127
Okay. And?
251
00:08:27,265 --> 00:08:28,956
And that's it.
End of story.
252
00:08:29,094 --> 00:08:30,613
That can't be it.
253
00:08:30,751 --> 00:08:31,683
That's too simple.
I...
254
00:08:31,821 --> 00:08:33,064
you must be
missing something.
255
00:08:33,202 --> 00:08:34,514
Of course I'm missing
something.
256
00:08:34,652 --> 00:08:35,515
I didn't read the book.
257
00:08:35,653 --> 00:08:36,723
Which in a book club--
258
00:08:36,861 --> 00:08:38,483
that's really the whole point,
isn't it?
259
00:08:38,621 --> 00:08:39,622
Honey, come on. It's fine.
260
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,728
We'll wing it.
Let's go to sleep.
261
00:08:41,866 --> 00:08:43,937
All right, all right.
Good night.
262
00:08:44,075 --> 00:08:45,352
Good night, cuz.
263
00:08:47,216 --> 00:08:48,148
Night, sweetie.
264
00:08:48,286 --> 00:08:49,149
Okay.
265
00:08:49,287 --> 00:08:50,150
What?
266
00:08:50,288 --> 00:08:51,185
What? Nothing.
267
00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:53,256
What, you don't
want to kiss me?
268
00:08:53,394 --> 00:08:55,086
No, no, I do, I do.
269
00:08:55,224 --> 00:08:56,087
Good night.
270
00:08:56,225 --> 00:08:57,433
What?
271
00:08:59,297 --> 00:09:00,850
No-- No-- Nothing.
272
00:09:00,988 --> 00:09:02,472
What is it?
273
00:09:04,647 --> 00:09:06,718
You look like
my Uncle Lenny.
274
00:09:11,861 --> 00:09:14,174
Apparently Queequeg is some
sort of mystical character.
275
00:09:14,312 --> 00:09:16,659
Oh, honey, don't
do this to yourself.
276
00:09:16,797 --> 00:09:19,420
Do what I do--
embrace your stupidity.
277
00:09:20,421 --> 00:09:21,595
Look. I made sandwiches
278
00:09:21,733 --> 00:09:23,873
in the shape
of little boats.
279
00:09:24,011 --> 00:09:26,635
I'm embarrassed
to be your cousin.
280
00:09:28,257 --> 00:09:30,190
MAN:
Hey, finally!
281
00:09:30,328 --> 00:09:33,469
Look what I made
for you nice people.
282
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,298
Look, Burt, they
made the sandwiches
283
00:09:35,436 --> 00:09:37,300
look like
little hats.
284
00:09:37,438 --> 00:09:39,130
They're little--
little boats.
285
00:09:39,268 --> 00:09:40,131
How are they boats?
286
00:09:40,269 --> 00:09:41,304
How are they hats?
287
00:09:41,442 --> 00:09:42,443
Can I eat it yet?
288
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,238
Yeah, all right.
Sure.
289
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,206
Okay. I thought we would open
290
00:09:46,344 --> 00:09:48,449
with some general impressions
of the book.
291
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,211
Who would like
to start? Henry?
292
00:09:51,349 --> 00:09:54,179
Me? Oh, boy! Pressure.
293
00:09:55,284 --> 00:09:57,493
Lead-off. Center ring.
294
00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:00,392
Flop sweat.
Panic attack.
295
00:10:00,530 --> 00:10:02,498
Gotta go home.
296
00:10:04,431 --> 00:10:06,398
I'm just kidding,
of course.
297
00:10:06,536 --> 00:10:09,436
Um...I liked the book.
298
00:10:09,574 --> 00:10:12,957
I was fascinated
by the idea
299
00:10:13,095 --> 00:10:15,235
that, um, that water
is somehow tied
300
00:10:15,373 --> 00:10:17,237
to human meditation,
301
00:10:17,375 --> 00:10:20,792
that the truth
is lying out there
302
00:10:20,930 --> 00:10:22,414
hiding somewhere
by the sea,
303
00:10:22,552 --> 00:10:24,727
and until you go,
you're left behind
304
00:10:24,865 --> 00:10:27,799
in the dark, alone,
always asking questions.
305
00:10:27,937 --> 00:10:31,251
Is today Tuesday? Where'd
you get those pants?
306
00:10:31,389 --> 00:10:33,356
Is that turkey salad?
307
00:10:33,494 --> 00:10:35,807
That's very profound,
Henry.
308
00:10:35,945 --> 00:10:37,878
No, I'm asking.
Is that turkey salad?
309
00:10:39,846 --> 00:10:40,985
I'll tell you what.
310
00:10:41,123 --> 00:10:43,090
I'm gonna make a long story
short, okay?
311
00:10:43,228 --> 00:10:46,507
Moby Dickis
about dating, period.
312
00:10:47,405 --> 00:10:48,855
I'm sorry?
313
00:10:48,993 --> 00:10:50,339
Ahab is the ultimate
bachelor.
314
00:10:50,477 --> 00:10:51,996
The whale is
the ultimate chick.
315
00:10:52,134 --> 00:10:55,068
Hoo-ah!
316
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,726
Hoo-ah!
317
00:10:58,899 --> 00:11:02,006
Who...uh, can argue
with that?
318
00:11:02,144 --> 00:11:03,801
It's a very valid point.
319
00:11:03,939 --> 00:11:05,630
No, really. Seriously.
320
00:11:05,768 --> 00:11:08,737
Think about it. This guy Ahab,
he goes out there,
321
00:11:08,875 --> 00:11:10,566
he gives everything
he has for this whale,
322
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,326
even though he knows
it's gonna kill him.
323
00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:14,259
It's like a moth
to a flame.
324
00:11:14,397 --> 00:11:17,021
Or like a guy named Ira
to the girl across the street
325
00:11:17,159 --> 00:11:18,747
who won't
close her blinds.
326
00:11:20,334 --> 00:11:22,820
Thank you, Ira.
327
00:11:22,958 --> 00:11:23,993
Marvin?
328
00:11:24,131 --> 00:11:26,789
Well, I have to say
that I don't like
329
00:11:26,927 --> 00:11:29,343
that they kept
on calling Moby a whale.
330
00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:32,208
Every page-- whale, whale.
331
00:11:32,346 --> 00:11:33,969
"Hey, look at
that big whale."
332
00:11:34,107 --> 00:11:35,971
"Did you see the size
of that whale?"
333
00:11:36,109 --> 00:11:38,214
"Hey, whaley! Hey, whaley!"
334
00:11:38,352 --> 00:11:40,113
Marvin, he is a whale.
335
00:11:40,251 --> 00:11:43,288
Well, don't you think
he knows that?
336
00:11:43,426 --> 00:11:45,325
Pa? What do you think?
337
00:11:45,463 --> 00:11:47,603
Well, to me Ahab is a man
338
00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:51,814
who squeezed the very last drop
out of life right to the end.
339
00:11:51,952 --> 00:11:54,748
If you're gonna die,
that's the way to go--
340
00:11:54,886 --> 00:11:57,509
strapped to
this massive animal,
341
00:11:57,647 --> 00:12:01,859
surging through the ocean
at 60 miles an hour,
342
00:12:01,997 --> 00:12:04,827
staring death in the face.
343
00:12:04,965 --> 00:12:07,761
Either that, or you go
in your sleep.
344
00:12:10,453 --> 00:12:12,559
Paul, Jamie,
what do you guys think?
345
00:12:15,562 --> 00:12:17,288
I-- I like--
I like what--
346
00:12:17,426 --> 00:12:18,841
These are were
very provocative...
347
00:12:18,979 --> 00:12:20,498
Oh, oh.
You know, sure.
348
00:12:20,636 --> 00:12:22,224
Things to say.
You know, I get it.
349
00:12:22,362 --> 00:12:23,743
Perfectly,
perfectly valid.
350
00:12:27,091 --> 00:12:29,507
I will say this.
351
00:12:29,645 --> 00:12:33,718
Um...Ahab
on the Pequod...
352
00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:37,411
hunts Moby,
who kills Ahab.
353
00:12:40,380 --> 00:12:41,761
Uh-huh.
354
00:12:41,899 --> 00:12:46,179
And, uh, Quentin to me seemed
like a mystical character.
355
00:12:47,180 --> 00:12:48,043
Who?
356
00:12:48,181 --> 00:12:49,527
Quentin. Quentin
was a mystical.
357
00:12:49,665 --> 00:12:50,666
He was
sort of mystical.
358
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:52,392
Queequeg?
359
00:12:52,530 --> 00:12:55,153
Queequeg, yes.
He was mystical.
360
00:12:55,291 --> 00:12:56,845
What did you make,
for instance,
361
00:12:56,983 --> 00:12:58,225
of Ahab's leg?
362
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:00,780
Us.
You, yes.
363
00:13:00,918 --> 00:13:02,195
Oh, uh...
364
00:13:03,196 --> 00:13:04,645
Wh-what was
the question?
365
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:05,992
What did you make
of the leg?
366
00:13:06,130 --> 00:13:07,407
What do we make
of it?
367
00:13:07,545 --> 00:13:08,546
How do you mean?
368
00:13:08,684 --> 00:13:09,650
What do you think
of it?
369
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,722
I think
it's a fine leg.
370
00:13:12,861 --> 00:13:14,276
It's a good leg.
371
00:13:14,414 --> 00:13:15,967
No, no,
but symbolically.
372
00:13:16,105 --> 00:13:18,901
Well, symbolically, yeah,
you know, 'cause...
373
00:13:19,039 --> 00:13:22,249
well, think about it.
You hav-- You have to have legs.
374
00:13:22,387 --> 00:13:24,182
Yeah. Otherwise
it's just Ahab
375
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,426
standing on the prow
of a boat, legless,
376
00:13:26,564 --> 00:13:29,809
which is like sitting,
basically, so...
377
00:13:29,947 --> 00:13:31,811
So he'd have to go out,
and he'd have to get legs?
378
00:13:31,949 --> 00:13:33,847
Where's he gonna get 'em,
like, go to some island
379
00:13:33,985 --> 00:13:35,435
where they sell 'em?
I don't think so.
380
00:13:35,573 --> 00:13:36,436
No, that's--
381
00:13:36,574 --> 00:13:37,713
MARVIN:
Guys?
382
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:39,991
Ahab had a wooden leg.
383
00:13:41,544 --> 00:13:42,407
I know.
384
00:13:42,545 --> 00:13:43,995
I'm saying, yes.
385
00:13:45,548 --> 00:13:46,446
What?
386
00:13:46,584 --> 00:13:47,481
Because, you know,
387
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:48,931
how...I mean,
it's so hard to--
388
00:13:49,069 --> 00:13:50,415
to-- to chase a whale
anyway,
389
00:13:50,553 --> 00:13:52,383
so imagine with a wooden leg.
How hard is that?
390
00:13:52,521 --> 00:13:53,384
Yeah, you try it.
391
00:13:53,522 --> 00:13:54,730
Yeah.
392
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,732
You two didn't read
the book, did you?
393
00:13:58,044 --> 00:13:59,079
No, no, you know--
394
00:13:59,217 --> 00:14:00,874
Isn't this just great?
395
00:14:01,012 --> 00:14:03,083
You know, you picked the longest
book ever written,
396
00:14:03,221 --> 00:14:04,429
you make all
of us read it,
397
00:14:04,567 --> 00:14:06,466
and then you don't bother
to read it yourselves?
398
00:14:06,604 --> 00:14:07,536
Golly.
399
00:14:07,674 --> 00:14:08,882
I am really offended.
400
00:14:09,020 --> 00:14:10,780
Me, too.
Double golly.
401
00:14:10,919 --> 00:14:12,472
You didn't read
the book?
402
00:14:12,610 --> 00:14:13,645
Honestly!
403
00:14:13,783 --> 00:14:15,613
What is the matter
with you people?
404
00:14:19,962 --> 00:14:21,550
Tell them.
We're cousins.
405
00:14:27,694 --> 00:14:28,626
[♪♪♪♪♪]
406
00:14:31,594 --> 00:14:33,010
Oh, this
is hilarious.
407
00:14:33,148 --> 00:14:35,184
She's my cousin,
she's my wife.
408
00:14:35,322 --> 00:14:37,462
She's my cousin, she's my wife.
She's my--
409
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,775
I'm glad you think
it's so funny.
410
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,950
This affects all of us--
You, me, everybody.
411
00:14:42,088 --> 00:14:43,813
We're practically
circus people.
412
00:14:45,367 --> 00:14:46,886
Well, it doesn't affect me.
413
00:14:47,024 --> 00:14:49,371
My family knows well enough
414
00:14:49,509 --> 00:14:51,718
to go outside the tent
to get their nookie.
415
00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:53,685
IRA:
Right, Marvin.
416
00:14:53,823 --> 00:14:55,411
Like you have
not been in love
417
00:14:55,549 --> 00:14:56,930
with your mother
your whole life.
418
00:14:57,068 --> 00:14:58,656
In love with her, yes,
419
00:14:58,794 --> 00:15:01,210
but I never even
asked her out.
420
00:15:01,348 --> 00:15:04,489
Uh, may I raise the banner
of sanity for a moment here?
421
00:15:04,627 --> 00:15:06,008
Please.
422
00:15:06,146 --> 00:15:08,977
I would like to comment
on this sort of thing.
423
00:15:09,115 --> 00:15:12,359
I once had an aunt-- Uh, she
wasn't exactly my aunt.
424
00:15:12,497 --> 00:15:14,120
Actually, she was
a friend of the family,
425
00:15:14,258 --> 00:15:16,501
but I called her "aunt"
426
00:15:16,639 --> 00:15:19,470
until one summer
afternoon on Nantucket
427
00:15:19,608 --> 00:15:22,991
when I accidentally saw her
step out of the pool shower.
428
00:15:23,129 --> 00:15:26,477
After that
I called her Rita.
429
00:15:29,411 --> 00:15:31,275
But I digress.
430
00:15:31,413 --> 00:15:33,035
My problem is--
May I?
431
00:15:33,173 --> 00:15:34,209
Please.
432
00:15:34,347 --> 00:15:36,107
I am puzzled by
these squiggly lines.
433
00:15:36,245 --> 00:15:37,798
We don't see them
anywhere else
434
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,145
on either family tree.
435
00:15:39,283 --> 00:15:40,491
Because they mean
436
00:15:40,629 --> 00:15:42,527
that somebody did something
very wrong.
437
00:15:42,665 --> 00:15:43,804
SYLVIA:
Excuse me.
438
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,152
There's something
that simply must be said.
439
00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:47,394
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
440
00:15:47,532 --> 00:15:48,637
It wasn't her fault.
441
00:15:48,775 --> 00:15:54,470
I want to welcome you
to the family now.
442
00:15:55,713 --> 00:15:57,301
Now?
443
00:16:00,580 --> 00:16:03,376
I'm telling you,
this is very bad.
444
00:16:03,514 --> 00:16:05,826
Jamie and her
new cousin Mom,
445
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,552
they're, like,
they're inseparable.
446
00:16:07,690 --> 00:16:09,313
Don't you think
you're overreacting?
447
00:16:09,451 --> 00:16:11,384
PAUL: No!
ALL: Hey.
448
00:16:11,522 --> 00:16:12,695
How was your lunch?
449
00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:14,283
I have to tell you,
450
00:16:14,421 --> 00:16:16,941
your mother-- once you get
to know her, 8 shades of nifty.
451
00:16:17,079 --> 00:16:18,978
Help me, lord.
452
00:16:19,116 --> 00:16:20,393
Would you stop?
453
00:16:20,531 --> 00:16:22,257
Just ignore him. He's being
very childish.
454
00:16:22,395 --> 00:16:23,568
Yes, he is.
455
00:16:23,706 --> 00:16:25,018
What's that?
456
00:16:25,156 --> 00:16:26,571
Oh, Sylvia
gave it to me.
457
00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:28,573
She said it was
in the family.
458
00:16:28,711 --> 00:16:29,609
It's lovely.
459
00:16:29,747 --> 00:16:30,955
Isn't it?
460
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:33,958
I gotta go call her.
461
00:16:37,065 --> 00:16:38,652
Ma gave her
grandma's broach!
462
00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:40,033
I told you
this was very bad.
463
00:16:40,171 --> 00:16:41,793
I have always been
promised that broach!
464
00:16:41,931 --> 00:16:42,898
I know.
465
00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:44,313
Do you know the things
I've had to do
466
00:16:44,451 --> 00:16:45,349
to get that promise?
467
00:16:45,487 --> 00:16:47,075
The mother-daughter
fashion shows.
468
00:16:47,213 --> 00:16:48,559
I know.
469
00:16:48,697 --> 00:16:49,663
The matching culottes...
470
00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:52,459
the freakin' bakeoff
of '92.
471
00:16:52,597 --> 00:16:54,496
She's breaching
on your broach.
472
00:16:54,634 --> 00:16:56,153
Something has
gotta be done.
473
00:16:56,291 --> 00:16:57,533
That's all I'm saying.
474
00:16:57,671 --> 00:16:59,328
Enough's enough, sister.
Cousin.
475
00:16:59,466 --> 00:17:00,743
Right.
476
00:17:14,861 --> 00:17:17,036
[BED CREAKING]
477
00:17:19,141 --> 00:17:22,248
[CREAKING LOUDLY]
478
00:17:23,663 --> 00:17:26,528
[THUMP]
Ow! Ow! Ow!
479
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:30,635
[TOY SQUEAKS]
480
00:17:30,773 --> 00:17:32,085
Shh, shh, shh!
481
00:17:37,401 --> 00:17:38,678
[DRAWER SLIDES LOUDLY]
482
00:17:38,816 --> 00:17:40,059
Sheesh!
483
00:17:54,935 --> 00:17:56,730
[FLOORBOARDS CREAK]
484
00:17:59,181 --> 00:18:00,458
[WINDOW RATTLES]
485
00:18:00,596 --> 00:18:03,082
Oh, just open!
486
00:18:04,324 --> 00:18:06,671
I got a pain right there.
487
00:18:06,809 --> 00:18:08,156
Okay.
488
00:18:09,329 --> 00:18:10,917
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
489
00:18:11,055 --> 00:18:12,746
Quiet, quiet.
490
00:18:17,268 --> 00:18:18,545
[DOOR SQUEAKS]
491
00:18:18,683 --> 00:18:19,581
Shh!
492
00:18:19,719 --> 00:18:21,169
Did the doorman see you?
493
00:18:21,307 --> 00:18:22,170
Sleeping.
494
00:18:22,308 --> 00:18:23,826
Good. In general,
that's bad,
495
00:18:23,964 --> 00:18:25,069
but tonight that's good.
496
00:18:25,207 --> 00:18:29,004
Do you have the broach?
Yeah.
497
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:31,662
Broach. Also a couple
of little extra trinkets
498
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,733
just so it wouldn't
look suspicious.
499
00:18:33,871 --> 00:18:36,045
Some old cheap necklaces.
That's an old watch of mine.
500
00:18:36,184 --> 00:18:38,807
Burglar takes a Taco Bell
novelty watch?
501
00:18:38,945 --> 00:18:40,222
I left the window open
502
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,362
so it'll look like the burglar
used the fire escape.
503
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:43,639
It's perfect.
504
00:18:43,777 --> 00:18:45,124
The broach
will disappear,
505
00:18:45,262 --> 00:18:47,126
and Ma will
tear Jamie apart.
506
00:18:47,264 --> 00:18:49,162
You're very sweet
to say that.
507
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:50,543
Yeah.
508
00:18:51,371 --> 00:18:52,579
Go, go, go! Shh.
509
00:18:52,717 --> 00:18:53,960
[DOOR CREAKS]
510
00:18:54,098 --> 00:18:56,065
[MURRAY WHIMPERS]
Quiet.
511
00:18:56,204 --> 00:18:57,170
[BANGING]
512
00:18:57,308 --> 00:18:58,516
Shh! Shut up.
513
00:19:01,554 --> 00:19:04,729
Quiet. Quiet.
Very, very quiet.
514
00:19:04,867 --> 00:19:06,006
[TOY CAR SQUEALS]
515
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,732
Shh. Shh!
516
00:19:10,735 --> 00:19:14,118
[HEAVY SNORING]
517
00:19:14,256 --> 00:19:16,155
God bless her.
518
00:19:21,090 --> 00:19:21,953
It's all right.
519
00:19:22,091 --> 00:19:23,265
But Grandma's
broach.
520
00:19:23,403 --> 00:19:25,267
Now, don't blame yourself.
521
00:19:25,405 --> 00:19:26,751
I feel so bad.
522
00:19:26,889 --> 00:19:29,582
No, the important thing
is that you're all right.
523
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:31,618
You're so wonderful,
Mommy.
524
00:19:31,756 --> 00:19:35,760
No, no, no.
It's nothing, it's nothing.
525
00:19:35,898 --> 00:19:38,763
Look. Here,
take my watch.
526
00:19:38,901 --> 00:19:40,075
Oh!
527
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,422
[DOOR BUZZES]
528
00:19:45,908 --> 00:19:46,875
DEBBIE:
Stop.
529
00:19:47,013 --> 00:19:50,603
All right, we get it.
You can stop.
530
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:52,363
Hi. Avon lady.
531
00:19:52,501 --> 00:19:53,778
Just kidding.
532
00:19:53,916 --> 00:19:55,677
What's up?
533
00:19:55,815 --> 00:19:56,988
Well, I was inspired
534
00:19:57,126 --> 00:19:59,577
by your little announcement
the other day
535
00:19:59,715 --> 00:20:02,270
to do a little deeper
genealogical research,
536
00:20:02,408 --> 00:20:05,100
and, uh, could possibly put
these down somewhere?
537
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:06,274
Sure.
538
00:20:06,412 --> 00:20:08,517
Avon lady.
Just kidding.
539
00:20:09,553 --> 00:20:10,968
It's like Avon calling.
540
00:20:11,106 --> 00:20:15,421
You know, actually, there are
a lot of arcane abbreviations
541
00:20:15,559 --> 00:20:16,939
used in genealogy.
542
00:20:17,077 --> 00:20:19,287
For instance, the caret
indicates a second marriage.
543
00:20:19,425 --> 00:20:21,599
Now, the brackets
indicate a maiden name,
544
00:20:21,737 --> 00:20:23,083
and those
squiggly lines--
545
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,293
also known
as a swung dash--
546
00:20:25,431 --> 00:20:27,950
indicate quite
fascinatingly--
547
00:20:28,088 --> 00:20:29,918
and how do I put this
delicately?
548
00:20:30,056 --> 00:20:32,438
Um...servitude.
549
00:20:33,715 --> 00:20:35,026
Wh-wh-wh...
550
00:20:35,164 --> 00:20:38,167
Irwin Buchman and Hester Stemple
were never married.
551
00:20:38,306 --> 00:20:40,031
He was actually
her valet.
552
00:20:40,169 --> 00:20:41,170
What?
553
00:20:41,309 --> 00:20:43,000
Her valet! He picked
up her clothes--
554
00:20:43,138 --> 00:20:44,312
No, I know what
a valet is.
555
00:20:44,450 --> 00:20:46,348
The same with Maximilian
and Eleanor.
556
00:20:46,486 --> 00:20:47,660
They were not married.
557
00:20:47,798 --> 00:20:49,834
He waited on her
hand and foot.
558
00:20:49,972 --> 00:20:52,251
There's quite a history
of Buchmans being bossed around
559
00:20:52,389 --> 00:20:54,529
by Stemples here,
but I make no judgment.
560
00:20:54,667 --> 00:20:56,324
I'm just kidding,
of course.
561
00:20:56,462 --> 00:20:59,465
Wait, wait. So our family
is not inbred?
562
00:20:59,603 --> 00:21:00,776
That's right.
563
00:21:00,914 --> 00:21:03,538
So-- So we're just
naturally stupid.
564
00:21:03,676 --> 00:21:05,333
Yes.
Oh!
565
00:21:05,471 --> 00:21:07,162
Oh, hon, isn't
that great?
566
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:08,163
Oh, god, yes.
567
00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:09,854
Mommy, isn't that great?
568
00:21:09,992 --> 00:21:12,340
Yeah. Gimme the watch.
569
00:21:13,513 --> 00:21:14,411
[♪♪♪♪♪]
570
00:21:22,142 --> 00:21:23,005
Come here, you.
571
00:21:23,143 --> 00:21:24,006
Yeah.
572
00:21:24,144 --> 00:21:25,318
What's the matter?
573
00:21:25,456 --> 00:21:26,871
Mmm, nah. Mmm...
574
00:21:27,941 --> 00:21:28,839
You okay?
575
00:21:28,977 --> 00:21:29,840
Yeah.
576
00:21:29,978 --> 00:21:31,082
Mmmmm...
577
00:21:31,220 --> 00:21:32,498
You got a headache
or something?
578
00:21:32,636 --> 00:21:33,568
Mmmmmm...
579
00:21:33,706 --> 00:21:35,432
You know,
we're not cousins.
580
00:21:35,570 --> 00:21:37,088
Mmmmm...
581
00:21:37,226 --> 00:21:38,089
What is it?
582
00:21:38,227 --> 00:21:40,333
I miss Mommy.
583
00:22:03,218 --> 00:22:04,150
Captions:
M.P.
39165
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