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1
00:00:01,518 --> 00:00:04,280
[♪♪♪♪♪]
2
00:00:04,418 --> 00:00:06,799
Okay, here's something
you didn't wanna know.
3
00:00:06,937 --> 00:00:09,112
Martin Glazer
in apartment 5C
4
00:00:09,250 --> 00:00:11,045
wears a size 44
underpants.
5
00:00:11,183 --> 00:00:12,357
Ew.
6
00:00:12,495 --> 00:00:13,703
He leaves them
in the washer
7
00:00:13,841 --> 00:00:15,670
for, like, six hours
after they're done
8
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,810
like it's a pot roast.
9
00:00:17,948 --> 00:00:19,502
So finally I had to
take them out myself.
10
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:23,230
What they don't have
in the laundry room-- Tongs.
11
00:00:23,368 --> 00:00:25,163
How did you know
whose underwear they were?
12
00:00:25,301 --> 00:00:27,510
Because it said right
in the elastic band,
13
00:00:27,648 --> 00:00:31,100
"I belong to Martin Glazer,
apartment 5C."
14
00:00:31,238 --> 00:00:32,170
Oh.
15
00:00:32,308 --> 00:00:33,964
I touched another man's
unmentionables.
16
00:00:34,103 --> 00:00:35,690
Are you washing
your hands?
17
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:37,727
Like I'm Silkwood, baby.
18
00:00:37,865 --> 00:00:39,211
What are you
doing there?
19
00:00:39,349 --> 00:00:40,764
I'm wrapping
a certain somebody's
20
00:00:40,902 --> 00:00:42,835
wonderful Valentine's
Day present.
21
00:00:42,973 --> 00:00:44,906
That's sweet,
but can I just warn you?
22
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,770
Whatever you got me,
what I got you,
23
00:00:46,908 --> 00:00:48,393
it's more wonderful.
24
00:00:48,531 --> 00:00:51,085
Pretty wonderful what I got you.
Not even in the same league--
25
00:00:51,223 --> 00:00:53,294
We don't have to argue.
No reason to argue. Okay.
26
00:00:53,432 --> 00:00:54,951
Why don't we take them out
and compare?
27
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:57,022
I'm ready
when you're ready.
28
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,902
You know, it's going
straight to me.
29
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,421
Happy Valentine's Day.
30
00:01:16,559 --> 00:01:18,250
Happy Valentine's Day
to you.
31
00:01:18,388 --> 00:01:19,941
All right. I'm gonna
guess a necktie.
32
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,289
Oh, you think
you're so smart.
33
00:01:22,427 --> 00:01:25,085
It's not a necktie?
Just open it.
34
00:01:25,223 --> 00:01:26,672
You go first.
No. You.
35
00:01:26,810 --> 00:01:29,434
You're right. You know why?
'Cause what I got you
36
00:01:29,572 --> 00:01:31,643
is gonna be too tough an act
for a necktie to follow.
37
00:01:31,781 --> 00:01:33,162
You're gonna feel
so silly.
38
00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:34,577
What, 'cause it's not
a necktie?
39
00:01:34,715 --> 00:01:35,854
Open it.
Hey, a necktie.
40
00:01:35,992 --> 00:01:37,097
Yes, it's a necktie,
41
00:01:37,235 --> 00:01:38,891
but it's a Paul Smith
necktie.
42
00:01:39,029 --> 00:01:41,860
Oh, that's a beautiful
necktie.
43
00:01:41,998 --> 00:01:44,345
It's great, isn't it?
He's a genius, Paul Smith.
44
00:01:44,483 --> 00:01:46,071
That's just a gorgeous
necktie.
45
00:01:46,209 --> 00:01:47,141
You know, he's English.
46
00:01:47,279 --> 00:01:48,970
I love a nice
English necktie.
47
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,800
Aren't the colors
great?
48
00:01:50,938 --> 00:01:52,457
Really, really
nice colors.
49
00:01:52,595 --> 00:01:55,080
Vibrant, but they're subtle.
Yeah. You know what it is?
50
00:01:55,218 --> 00:01:57,600
They're aggressive, but, like,
there's a humility there.
51
00:01:57,738 --> 00:01:59,947
Exactly. And it's
got that smooth weave,
52
00:02:00,085 --> 00:02:01,535
so it's makes
a small little knot.
53
00:02:01,673 --> 00:02:02,846
This is a fantastic
necktie.
54
00:02:02,984 --> 00:02:04,469
Oh, do you like it?
I love it.
55
00:02:04,607 --> 00:02:07,127
I'm so glad. Second I saw it,
"that's what I wanna get him."
56
00:02:07,265 --> 00:02:08,507
And you were
absolutely right.
57
00:02:08,645 --> 00:02:10,060
This is gorgeous.
Thank you so much.
58
00:02:10,199 --> 00:02:12,270
You're welcome.
Open up yours.
59
00:02:12,408 --> 00:02:13,719
Okay.
60
00:02:15,652 --> 00:02:16,619
What did you do?
61
00:02:16,757 --> 00:02:19,311
You'll see,
and you'll know.
62
00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:26,456
Ooh, picture of a house.
63
00:02:26,594 --> 00:02:27,630
No.
No?
64
00:02:27,768 --> 00:02:28,941
A house.
65
00:02:29,079 --> 00:02:30,322
A picture
of a house.
66
00:02:30,460 --> 00:02:32,117
No.
No?
67
00:02:32,255 --> 00:02:34,188
A house.
68
00:02:34,326 --> 00:02:36,397
Right. A picture of a house.
A house.
69
00:02:36,535 --> 00:02:37,640
Right.
70
00:02:37,778 --> 00:02:39,366
No.
No?
71
00:02:39,504 --> 00:02:41,885
A house.
72
00:02:42,023 --> 00:02:43,715
A house.
73
00:02:43,853 --> 00:02:45,199
Of which this
is a picture.
74
00:02:45,337 --> 00:02:47,201
It's in Westchester.
In Irvington, actually.
75
00:02:47,339 --> 00:02:50,135
Open up the envelope.
Look what's in the envelope.
76
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:55,934
Look at that.
77
00:02:56,072 --> 00:02:57,763
We've been in escrow
for the last six weeks,
78
00:02:57,901 --> 00:02:59,489
and we close on Tuesday.
79
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:04,805
Oh, a house.
Yes!
80
00:03:04,943 --> 00:03:07,083
Happy Valentine's Day.
81
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:08,774
Uh...
I know.
82
00:03:08,912 --> 00:03:11,052
You have reservations
about moving to the suburbs,
83
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,296
which is why I have arranged--
I'm not stupid, okay.
84
00:03:13,434 --> 00:03:14,953
I have arranged
with the sellers--
85
00:03:15,091 --> 00:03:16,230
Mr. and Mrs. Dichristophoro,
86
00:03:16,368 --> 00:03:17,887
who, by the way,
lovely people--
87
00:03:18,025 --> 00:03:20,372
They're gonna let us
spend a night in the house
88
00:03:20,510 --> 00:03:22,685
before we buy it
just to put your mind at ease.
89
00:03:22,823 --> 00:03:23,824
Won't that be great?
90
00:03:23,962 --> 00:03:25,412
How happy are you
with me right now?
91
00:03:25,550 --> 00:03:28,863
No, honey. No,
don't sell yourself short,
92
00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:31,970
'cause the necktie
is also really nice.
93
00:03:35,974 --> 00:03:37,665
[♪♪♪♪♪]
94
00:03:37,803 --> 00:03:41,497
This is the kitchen,
the custom kitchen.
95
00:03:41,635 --> 00:03:43,568
We had a lot of good
times in this kitchen,
96
00:03:43,706 --> 00:03:45,432
huh, Ramona?
Yes, we did.
97
00:03:45,570 --> 00:03:47,951
Look at this, honey.
This is all Formica.
98
00:03:48,089 --> 00:03:49,884
You can't get that
anymore.
99
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:53,543
Show them
the intercom system.
100
00:03:53,681 --> 00:03:55,545
This is
the intercom system.
101
00:03:55,683 --> 00:03:58,238
There are intercoms
located throughout the house.
102
00:03:58,376 --> 00:04:01,068
It's in mint condition.
Would you like to try it?
103
00:04:01,206 --> 00:04:03,104
Yeah, sure.
104
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,900
Kevin, we got a spill
in aisle 7.
105
00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:08,178
You can't get those anymore.
Mm.
106
00:04:08,317 --> 00:04:09,939
Tell them about
the living room, Frank.
107
00:04:10,077 --> 00:04:11,458
This is the living room
108
00:04:11,596 --> 00:04:14,254
where we do most
of our living.
109
00:04:14,392 --> 00:04:15,703
Oh, God.
110
00:04:15,841 --> 00:04:18,050
Remember that, Ramona?
Uh-huh.
111
00:04:18,188 --> 00:04:19,707
I took a misstep once
in the attic
112
00:04:19,845 --> 00:04:22,192
and fell through
into the living room.
113
00:04:22,331 --> 00:04:23,573
Oh, look.
114
00:04:23,711 --> 00:04:26,542
You can still see the line
of the replastering.
115
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:27,646
Frank.
116
00:04:27,784 --> 00:04:30,028
Why don't you tell
them about something
117
00:04:30,166 --> 00:04:32,030
besides the hole
in the ceiling?
118
00:04:32,168 --> 00:04:33,134
Okay.
119
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,551
Over here is the first
thing we purchased
120
00:04:35,689 --> 00:04:38,485
when we moved in--
This table and chairs.
121
00:04:41,039 --> 00:04:42,143
You're not
gonna believe--
122
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,939
These...they're
made from barrels.
123
00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:47,873
Get outta here.
No. Really.
124
00:04:48,011 --> 00:04:49,530
Oh, listen, you're
gonna love this.
125
00:04:49,668 --> 00:04:50,600
Listen to this.
126
00:04:50,738 --> 00:04:52,775
[WHEEZES]
127
00:04:54,224 --> 00:04:56,330
[WHEEZES]
128
00:04:57,745 --> 00:04:59,816
That is great.
Try it.
129
00:04:59,954 --> 00:05:02,612
That's okay.
No. Try, try, try, try it.
130
00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:05,546
[WHEEZES]
131
00:05:05,684 --> 00:05:07,237
Boy,
that is fantastic.
132
00:05:07,376 --> 00:05:09,999
They don't
make these anymore.
133
00:05:10,137 --> 00:05:12,864
[WHEEZES]
134
00:05:13,002 --> 00:05:14,210
Listen,
Mr. Dichristophoro--
135
00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:16,039
[CHAIRS WHEEZING]
136
00:05:19,802 --> 00:05:21,217
Sorry.
137
00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:23,495
Mr. Dichristophoro,
I can't help noticing
138
00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:25,808
you seem upset at the prospect
of selling your home.
139
00:05:25,946 --> 00:05:26,843
Oh, honey, no.
140
00:05:26,981 --> 00:05:28,949
No, honey, no. No.
141
00:05:29,087 --> 00:05:30,468
Well, it's just...
142
00:05:30,606 --> 00:05:31,917
you cut the grass
143
00:05:32,055 --> 00:05:34,299
and you shovel
the driveway
144
00:05:34,437 --> 00:05:37,164
and you pooper-scoop
the lawn for 29 years
145
00:05:37,302 --> 00:05:38,648
because it's yours,
146
00:05:38,786 --> 00:05:42,238
and then...one day,
it isn't anymore.
147
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:43,722
I know how you feel.
I think--
148
00:05:43,860 --> 00:05:45,862
To everything there is
a season, okay, Frank?
149
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,830
Turn, turn, turn.
150
00:05:47,968 --> 00:05:50,108
[CHAIR WHEEZES]
151
00:05:52,075 --> 00:05:53,353
You see, folks,
152
00:05:53,491 --> 00:05:56,977
the time has come for us
to move out of this house.
153
00:05:57,115 --> 00:06:00,152
Our children Jennifer,
Jessica, Chuckie--
154
00:06:00,290 --> 00:06:02,120
Married, married,
dancer--
155
00:06:02,258 --> 00:06:04,985
Are all grown.
156
00:06:05,123 --> 00:06:06,952
What do we need
with three bedrooms?
157
00:06:07,090 --> 00:06:09,161
Three bedrooms.
And besides,
158
00:06:09,299 --> 00:06:11,440
there's a little
piece of heaven waiting for us
159
00:06:11,578 --> 00:06:14,304
in a town called
Delray Beach, Florida.
160
00:06:14,443 --> 00:06:15,720
[MOANS]
161
00:06:15,858 --> 00:06:17,100
Florida.
162
00:06:17,238 --> 00:06:21,070
Please. Don't start with
the Florida-bashing, okay?
163
00:06:21,208 --> 00:06:23,141
Frank is scared
of Florida.
164
00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:25,971
He thinks
Florida kills people.
165
00:06:26,109 --> 00:06:27,697
I'm just saying,
all the time,
166
00:06:27,835 --> 00:06:30,390
you hear about people
going there.
167
00:06:36,361 --> 00:06:38,052
But you never
hear one word
168
00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:40,296
about them coming back.
169
00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:44,300
Florida is a state
in the union.
170
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:45,853
How could
a state in the union
171
00:06:45,991 --> 00:06:47,510
kill people
pathologically?
172
00:06:47,648 --> 00:06:49,581
What am I, a scientist?
173
00:06:49,719 --> 00:06:52,308
It's the sunshine state,
for crying out loud.
174
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:53,516
That's not sunshine.
175
00:06:53,654 --> 00:06:57,037
That's the white light
you see before you die.
176
00:06:57,175 --> 00:06:59,902
All right, get your things.
[CHAIR WHEEZES]
177
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,835
The Buchmans are
waiting for us
178
00:07:01,973 --> 00:07:03,112
to leave them alone.
179
00:07:03,250 --> 00:07:05,425
"Buchman"?
Uh-huh.
180
00:07:05,563 --> 00:07:07,461
That's the name you're gonna put
on the mailbox?
181
00:07:07,599 --> 00:07:09,601
Thought we might.
182
00:07:09,739 --> 00:07:11,431
And on the welcome mat,
it's gonna say,
183
00:07:11,569 --> 00:07:13,018
"the Buchmans"?
184
00:07:13,156 --> 00:07:14,986
Seems the natural
thing to do.
185
00:07:15,124 --> 00:07:16,297
And when people drive by,
186
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,334
someone in the car will say,
"who lives there?"
187
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:20,440
And then someone else
will say,
188
00:07:20,578 --> 00:07:22,303
"the Buchmans"?
189
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,512
I don't know
exactly what--
190
00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:24,754
My God.
191
00:07:24,892 --> 00:07:25,997
Frank!
192
00:07:26,135 --> 00:07:29,483
Mr. and Mrs. Dichristophoro--
[CHAIR WHEEZES]
193
00:07:29,621 --> 00:07:32,900
I had a canary for lunch.
Forgive me. I, um...
194
00:07:34,315 --> 00:07:36,352
I wanna thank you both.
It's so nice of you
195
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,354
to let us have a trial night
in the house.
196
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,114
Well, let me
tell you something.
197
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:42,323
You two are good buyers,
198
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,464
and a good buyer
is hard to find.
199
00:07:44,602 --> 00:07:45,948
[MUFFLED]
Nice of you to say that.
200
00:07:46,086 --> 00:07:47,156
[MUFFLED]
Thanks a lot.
201
00:07:47,294 --> 00:07:48,675
Frank?
202
00:07:48,813 --> 00:07:50,297
[SIGHS]
203
00:07:50,435 --> 00:07:52,886
[WHEEZES]
204
00:07:57,546 --> 00:07:59,617
JAMIE:
Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Oh, God!
205
00:07:59,755 --> 00:08:00,997
[TOILET FLUSHES]
206
00:08:05,208 --> 00:08:07,728
Okay. Guess where
I have been.
207
00:08:07,866 --> 00:08:10,317
Where?
The laundry room.
208
00:08:10,455 --> 00:08:11,629
I wouldn't have
believed it
209
00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:13,631
if I hadn't seen it
with my own-- They have a room
210
00:08:13,769 --> 00:08:16,012
with nothing but
a washer and a dryer
211
00:08:16,150 --> 00:08:17,704
waiting for us to use.
212
00:08:17,842 --> 00:08:19,015
Us and nobody else.
213
00:08:19,153 --> 00:08:20,983
Oh, honey, this is
the greatest thing.
214
00:08:21,121 --> 00:08:23,848
There's no quarters.
There's no elevators.
215
00:08:23,986 --> 00:08:27,334
There's no Martin Glazer
and his big-boy pants.
216
00:08:27,472 --> 00:08:29,301
I was so moved,
217
00:08:29,439 --> 00:08:30,786
I did a load
of colors.
218
00:08:30,924 --> 00:08:33,374
They have washing machines
in Manhattan, you know.
219
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,687
It's not just the washing
machine. Don't you see?
220
00:08:35,825 --> 00:08:37,102
We own land now.
221
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:38,725
We're landowners.
222
00:08:38,863 --> 00:08:42,176
Like the O'Haras
in Gone with the Wind.
223
00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:43,730
It's a third of an acre.
224
00:08:43,868 --> 00:08:46,111
It's the rich
red earth of Tara.
225
00:08:46,249 --> 00:08:48,700
[IMITATING ECHO]
Tara, Tara, Tara.
226
00:08:48,838 --> 00:08:50,944
Oh, it's so--
Oh, it's brisk in here too.
227
00:08:51,082 --> 00:08:52,290
Wait till you go
to the toilet.
228
00:08:52,428 --> 00:08:54,119
It's like peeing
on a frozen lake.
229
00:08:54,257 --> 00:08:55,983
Ah, it's good
for you.
230
00:08:56,121 --> 00:08:57,191
Good for you.
231
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,331
Look at that.
What?
232
00:08:59,469 --> 00:09:01,126
A little spider on the wall.
Ah! Spider!
233
00:09:01,264 --> 00:09:02,956
Oh! Cold!
234
00:09:03,094 --> 00:09:05,303
Aw, come here, little guy.
Oh, kill it!
235
00:09:05,441 --> 00:09:07,547
Kill it and then
set me on fire.
236
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,792
You don't kill a spider. Spiders
kill other insects.
237
00:09:11,930 --> 00:09:13,691
So kill all of them.
Kill 'em all.
238
00:09:13,829 --> 00:09:16,003
Open a window.
Gladly.
239
00:09:16,141 --> 00:09:17,453
Ohh!
Colder still!
240
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,524
Okay. Here you go,
little guy.
241
00:09:19,662 --> 00:09:22,285
Out into the world.
Close the window.
242
00:09:22,423 --> 00:09:24,425
Okay. Bye, Spidey.
Excuse me.
243
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,358
No!
244
00:09:29,396 --> 00:09:31,225
Sorry, Spidey.
245
00:09:33,538 --> 00:09:34,850
Mm!
246
00:09:34,988 --> 00:09:36,990
Mm-mm-mm.
247
00:09:37,128 --> 00:09:38,198
Listen to that.
248
00:09:38,336 --> 00:09:40,027
What?
Exactly.
249
00:09:40,165 --> 00:09:41,960
It's so quiet.
250
00:09:42,098 --> 00:09:44,653
I never knew there was
a world this quiet.
251
00:09:44,791 --> 00:09:46,171
[OWL HOOTING]
252
00:09:46,309 --> 00:09:49,105
An owl hoots.
253
00:09:49,243 --> 00:09:51,556
[DOG BARKING]
254
00:09:51,694 --> 00:09:53,558
A dog barks happily.
255
00:09:53,696 --> 00:09:56,285
[LOUD CLANKING]
256
00:10:01,152 --> 00:10:04,431
Chains are dragged
violently across a floor.
257
00:10:04,569 --> 00:10:06,571
What the hell was that?
I don't know.
258
00:10:06,709 --> 00:10:08,780
[CLANKING]
259
00:10:10,575 --> 00:10:11,714
Okay. Is it me,
260
00:10:11,852 --> 00:10:13,578
or is the noise coming
from inside the house?
261
00:10:13,716 --> 00:10:15,028
Oy, gevalt!
Let's go.
262
00:10:15,166 --> 00:10:16,236
What? Where?
263
00:10:16,374 --> 00:10:17,686
Let's go see
what the noise is.
264
00:10:17,824 --> 00:10:19,826
Why?
What do you mean, why?
265
00:10:19,964 --> 00:10:22,863
So there's chains being dragged
violently across a floor?
266
00:10:23,001 --> 00:10:26,487
What is that our business?
You wanna just sit here
267
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,213
and wait for the chains
to come after us?
268
00:10:28,351 --> 00:10:29,559
Maybe they won't
come after us.
269
00:10:29,698 --> 00:10:31,009
Maybe they'll
just go away.
270
00:10:31,147 --> 00:10:32,666
We'll have the element
of surprise.
271
00:10:32,804 --> 00:10:34,288
I don't want the element
of surprise.
272
00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,118
I want the element
of hiding under the bed.
273
00:10:36,256 --> 00:10:38,327
You hide under the bed.
I'll go see what the noise is.
274
00:10:38,465 --> 00:10:40,985
No. No splitting up. That's what
always happens in the movies.
275
00:10:41,123 --> 00:10:42,538
They split up,
and two minutes later
276
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,954
I gotta find you
with an ax in your head.
277
00:10:45,092 --> 00:10:47,025
Well, I wouldn't wanna
put you through that.
278
00:10:47,163 --> 00:10:49,718
We're not splitting up,
I'm saying.
279
00:10:49,856 --> 00:10:51,202
So come with me.
280
00:10:51,340 --> 00:10:52,997
Okay.
281
00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:04,802
Really?
Yeah.
282
00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:06,838
You're gonna hit an ax murderer
with a trout?
283
00:11:06,976 --> 00:11:09,323
They hate that.
284
00:11:19,886 --> 00:11:21,957
I sure wish
I had my pants.
285
00:11:25,443 --> 00:11:26,651
[CLANKING]
Ah!
286
00:11:26,789 --> 00:11:28,929
Intercom, intercom.
Intercom, intercom, intercom.
287
00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:31,621
I'll just go back
and pick up my ovaries.
288
00:11:35,453 --> 00:11:37,558
[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]
289
00:11:39,215 --> 00:11:40,561
What is that now?
290
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,218
I don't know.
291
00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:47,499
[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]
292
00:11:47,637 --> 00:11:49,432
It's like a voice.
293
00:11:49,570 --> 00:11:51,296
A voice?
Oh, my God.
294
00:11:51,434 --> 00:11:54,575
A voice dragging chains
and a moaning voice.
295
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,543
What are you saying,
that the house is haunted?
296
00:11:56,681 --> 00:11:57,889
Uh-huh.
297
00:11:59,615 --> 00:12:01,686
[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]
298
00:12:01,824 --> 00:12:03,930
What is it saying?
299
00:12:04,068 --> 00:12:05,966
[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]
300
00:12:09,038 --> 00:12:11,765
Have some peanut butter
and jelly.
301
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:14,872
Honey,
we're looking for a ghost.
302
00:12:15,010 --> 00:12:16,563
I'm not gonna stop
and make a sandwich.
303
00:12:16,701 --> 00:12:18,323
That's what
the thing is saying, I think.
304
00:12:18,461 --> 00:12:19,808
Have some peanut butter
and jelly.
305
00:12:19,946 --> 00:12:21,741
Have some peanut butter
and jelly?
306
00:12:21,879 --> 00:12:24,019
Yeah. What do you
think it's saying?
307
00:12:24,157 --> 00:12:26,504
[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]
308
00:12:27,885 --> 00:12:32,786
Go away, Paul and Jamie.
309
00:12:32,924 --> 00:12:34,892
It's not saying that.
Well, I'm calling 911.
310
00:12:35,030 --> 00:12:36,928
What are you gonna do,
tell them we're standing
311
00:12:37,066 --> 00:12:38,999
in our underwear with a trout
looking for a ghost?
312
00:12:39,137 --> 00:12:40,276
I wish we
were safely hidden--
313
00:12:40,414 --> 00:12:41,484
Ohh!
Aah!
314
00:12:41,622 --> 00:12:42,831
Not a ghost!
Not a ghost!
315
00:12:42,969 --> 00:12:44,453
It's Beethoven.
Beethoven, see?
316
00:12:44,591 --> 00:12:45,592
Nice. Nice Beethoven.
317
00:12:45,730 --> 00:12:47,836
I can't believe
you did this!
318
00:12:47,974 --> 00:12:49,078
What?
319
00:12:49,216 --> 00:12:51,184
I can't believe you came up here
to the North Pole
320
00:12:51,322 --> 00:12:52,633
and bought a house--
A house--
321
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,877
Without consulting me.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
322
00:12:55,015 --> 00:12:56,189
It's not
a birthday party.
323
00:12:56,327 --> 00:12:59,192
You don't throw somebody
a surprise house.
324
00:12:59,330 --> 00:13:01,090
It happens to be a very
expensive present.
325
00:13:01,228 --> 00:13:03,644
The least you could do is be
a little more gracious about it.
326
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,060
I don't wanna
be here, Paul.
327
00:13:05,198 --> 00:13:07,441
I wanna be in Manhattan.
Where you don't own land.
328
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:09,547
You own cubic feet
50 stories above the ground
329
00:13:09,685 --> 00:13:11,791
like a normal person.
330
00:13:11,929 --> 00:13:14,414
Where all the ghosts have gone
away, where you don't walk--
331
00:13:14,552 --> 00:13:15,967
[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]
Shh!
332
00:13:16,105 --> 00:13:17,348
Shh, shh, shh!
Wait a minute.
333
00:13:17,486 --> 00:13:18,383
What?
334
00:13:18,521 --> 00:13:21,352
The noise is
coming from there.
335
00:13:21,490 --> 00:13:22,802
Careful.
336
00:13:22,940 --> 00:13:24,596
Lead with your fish.
337
00:13:28,393 --> 00:13:29,360
[YELLS]
338
00:13:29,498 --> 00:13:31,672
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
339
00:13:33,433 --> 00:13:36,091
Okay, honey, come here.
340
00:13:36,229 --> 00:13:38,369
Here is your
big bad ghost.
341
00:13:38,507 --> 00:13:41,061
[WHIRRING]
342
00:13:41,199 --> 00:13:42,545
You had to do
a load of laundry?
343
00:13:42,683 --> 00:13:44,547
It was beckoning
to me.
344
00:13:44,685 --> 00:13:47,827
[CLANKING]
345
00:13:47,965 --> 00:13:50,105
It's the quarters
in a pocket from--
346
00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:53,004
What are we gonna
do about this?
347
00:13:53,142 --> 00:13:54,212
We shut it off
mid cycle,
348
00:13:54,350 --> 00:13:55,524
we take out
the quarters.
349
00:13:55,662 --> 00:13:57,906
This. No, no, no.
This. All of this.
350
00:13:58,044 --> 00:13:59,597
[SIGHS]
351
00:13:59,735 --> 00:14:01,530
Well, we can still
back out of the deal
352
00:14:01,668 --> 00:14:03,877
if that's really what you want.
What are you saying?
353
00:14:04,015 --> 00:14:05,845
This is really your idea
of the perfect future?
354
00:14:05,983 --> 00:14:07,812
That's exactly
what I'm saying.
355
00:14:07,950 --> 00:14:10,159
What do you say?
You have to have the city?
356
00:14:10,297 --> 00:14:11,678
Yes.
357
00:14:14,992 --> 00:14:18,788
Well, this is a chance
for one of us
358
00:14:18,927 --> 00:14:20,376
to be a a really big person.
359
00:14:20,514 --> 00:14:22,654
Yes, indeedy.
360
00:14:41,397 --> 00:14:43,710
Oh,
let's buy the house.
361
00:14:43,848 --> 00:14:45,539
Seriously?
362
00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:48,335
Yes.
Let's buy the house.
363
00:14:48,473 --> 00:14:49,716
Why?
364
00:14:49,854 --> 00:14:51,200
Because it will
make you happy,
365
00:14:51,338 --> 00:14:52,753
and when you're happy,
I'm happy.
366
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,583
So I'll be happy.
367
00:14:54,721 --> 00:14:56,550
You're really...
368
00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:57,793
you're a big person.
369
00:14:57,931 --> 00:15:00,382
Yes, I am.
370
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,108
You're a bigger person
than I am.
371
00:15:02,246 --> 00:15:03,212
If you say so.
372
00:15:03,350 --> 00:15:05,387
I say so.
373
00:15:05,525 --> 00:15:06,664
It bothers me a little
374
00:15:06,802 --> 00:15:08,493
that you're a bigger person
than I am,
375
00:15:08,631 --> 00:15:10,047
but you are.
I know.
376
00:15:10,185 --> 00:15:12,566
Thank you for letting me
buy you this house.
377
00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:14,568
You're welcome.
I won't forget it.
378
00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:15,915
I'm not gonna
let you forget it.
379
00:15:16,053 --> 00:15:17,433
I'm kidding,
I'm kidding.
380
00:15:17,571 --> 00:15:19,884
Oh, I love you.
I love you so much.
381
00:15:20,022 --> 00:15:21,782
I love you too.
382
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,646
So guess what.
This is our house.
383
00:15:23,784 --> 00:15:24,889
Yes, it is.
384
00:15:25,027 --> 00:15:27,478
This is Tara.
It's Tara.
385
00:15:29,790 --> 00:15:31,240
Would you mind then
386
00:15:31,378 --> 00:15:34,312
if I carried you
across the threshold?
387
00:15:34,450 --> 00:15:36,521
Of the laundry room?
388
00:15:36,659 --> 00:15:38,040
Would you mind?
389
00:15:38,178 --> 00:15:39,593
Okay.
390
00:15:41,768 --> 00:15:42,803
Would you mind
if we just
391
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,806
walked hand-in-hand
across the threshold?
392
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,636
MAN:
I'd like to welcome everyone
393
00:15:47,774 --> 00:15:50,363
to the closing of escrow
of number 31 Sharon Drive,
394
00:15:50,501 --> 00:15:52,123
Irvington, New York.
Thank you.
395
00:15:52,261 --> 00:15:54,022
And we're very excited
to be here.
396
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,645
Now, Mr. and Mrs. Buchman,
I have in my hand here
397
00:15:56,783 --> 00:15:59,303
the transfer disclosure
statement,
398
00:15:59,441 --> 00:16:00,925
the title search,
399
00:16:01,063 --> 00:16:03,100
and the wood-destroying
pests and organisms
400
00:16:03,238 --> 00:16:04,584
inspection report.
401
00:16:04,722 --> 00:16:07,483
All of which require
both of your signatures.
402
00:16:07,621 --> 00:16:08,553
Not a problem.
403
00:16:08,691 --> 00:16:10,866
[SIGHS]
Frank.
404
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,730
There you go, sweetie.
Okay, thanks.
405
00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:14,559
[SIGHS]
Frank!
406
00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,564
You good?
Yeah.
407
00:16:19,702 --> 00:16:22,222
I have here the check
for the down payment
408
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,467
and a second check from
the lender Chase Manhattan Bank
409
00:16:25,605 --> 00:16:27,434
for the balance of
the purchase price.
410
00:16:27,572 --> 00:16:28,608
[WHISTLES]
411
00:16:28,746 --> 00:16:31,093
There it goes, sweetie.
Bye-bye, money.
412
00:16:31,231 --> 00:16:33,026
This is so exciting,
isn't it?
413
00:16:33,164 --> 00:16:34,752
Yes. Yes, it is.
414
00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:36,581
[WHISPERING]
Can I talk to you for a second?
415
00:16:36,719 --> 00:16:37,651
Sure.
416
00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,515
Folks, we'll be
right back.
417
00:16:39,653 --> 00:16:40,792
Is everything
all right?
418
00:16:40,930 --> 00:16:43,071
Oh, it's fine.
[CHAIRS WHEEZING]
419
00:16:44,727 --> 00:16:46,522
Just give us one sec.
420
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:48,835
[SIGHS]
421
00:16:48,973 --> 00:16:50,492
What is it? Are you okay?
Uh, yeah.
422
00:16:50,630 --> 00:16:52,597
What, are you nervous
about spending the money?
423
00:16:52,735 --> 00:16:53,909
Well, yes, but--
424
00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:55,704
Worried we're getting in
over our heads?
425
00:16:55,842 --> 00:16:57,706
Of course, but--
You think we should have gone
426
00:16:57,844 --> 00:17:00,053
with the adjustable-rate
mortgage?
427
00:17:00,191 --> 00:17:01,675
Probably,
but that's not it.
428
00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:03,470
What, then?
429
00:17:03,608 --> 00:17:05,162
I changed my mind.
430
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:08,613
If it's okay with you,
I don't wanna buy the house.
431
00:17:08,751 --> 00:17:10,477
Really?
You love this house.
432
00:17:10,615 --> 00:17:11,927
You know,
but not really.
433
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:14,102
It's cold
and there are spiders
434
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:17,208
and I don't think
that's real Formica.
435
00:17:17,346 --> 00:17:19,038
You're lying.
No, I'm not.
436
00:17:19,176 --> 00:17:21,005
You're lying through your teeth.
No, I'm not.
437
00:17:21,143 --> 00:17:22,627
I know you're lying.
You're lying.
438
00:17:24,733 --> 00:17:27,011
All right. Listen to me.
439
00:17:27,149 --> 00:17:29,186
If this is not your dream,
440
00:17:29,324 --> 00:17:31,464
then I don't want it
to be my dream.
441
00:17:31,602 --> 00:17:33,707
I want us to find
another dream,
442
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:36,538
a beautiful dream
that will be... our dream.
443
00:17:36,676 --> 00:17:39,023
You know, your dream
and my dream together.
444
00:17:39,161 --> 00:17:42,509
Okay?
445
00:17:42,647 --> 00:17:46,479
You couldn't let me
be the bigger person, could you?
446
00:17:46,617 --> 00:17:48,343
What's that?
447
00:17:48,481 --> 00:17:50,276
You couldn't stand
that I was able to step up
448
00:17:50,414 --> 00:17:52,657
and be the bigger person--
What are you talking about?
449
00:17:52,795 --> 00:17:54,349
Now we can't live
in the city, either.
450
00:17:54,487 --> 00:17:55,902
Why not?
'Cause you come in
451
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,456
with a gesture like this, you
think I'm gonna act like a jerk?
452
00:17:58,594 --> 00:18:00,389
You'd love that, wouldn't you?
Love what?
453
00:18:00,527 --> 00:18:02,011
Then you could be
the bigger person--
454
00:18:02,150 --> 00:18:04,393
Okay, you know what?
You're unstable.
455
00:18:04,531 --> 00:18:05,946
Pardon me?
456
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,053
You are emotionally
and mentally unwell.
457
00:18:09,191 --> 00:18:11,607
And by the way,
a little transparent.
458
00:18:11,745 --> 00:18:13,230
What?
Why don't you just admit it.
459
00:18:13,368 --> 00:18:15,784
You're upset because
I got you a big beautiful house,
460
00:18:15,922 --> 00:18:17,993
oh, don't do it.
and you got me a tie.
461
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,960
Oh!
You went for the tie!
462
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,101
That is just the lowest
of the low.
463
00:18:22,239 --> 00:18:24,068
Well, you know,
I'm not a big person.
464
00:18:24,206 --> 00:18:25,138
Clearly.
Yeah.
465
00:18:25,276 --> 00:18:26,657
RAMONA:
Hello, Mr. Buchman.
466
00:18:26,795 --> 00:18:30,109
Hurry up. We're running out
of crap to talk about in here.
467
00:18:30,247 --> 00:18:31,765
We'll be
right with you.
468
00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,664
Look, why don't we just
go deal with them now,
469
00:18:33,802 --> 00:18:35,286
because we're gonna
need a good fight
470
00:18:35,424 --> 00:18:37,633
for the ride home anyway.
What are we gonna say to them?
471
00:18:37,771 --> 00:18:40,774
There are only 1,500
of these in the world.
472
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:43,743
Half of them
are in communist China.
473
00:18:45,089 --> 00:18:46,849
All right.
I have an idea.
474
00:18:46,987 --> 00:18:48,644
Just follow me.
475
00:18:50,439 --> 00:18:53,097
Okay. Sorry about that,
everybody.
476
00:18:53,235 --> 00:18:54,478
Very sorry.
477
00:18:54,616 --> 00:18:56,825
[CHAIRS WHEEZING]
478
00:18:56,963 --> 00:18:58,309
We were actually
just discussing
479
00:18:58,447 --> 00:19:00,484
where we're gonna
put this beautiful barrel table
480
00:19:00,622 --> 00:19:02,037
when we move in.
[CHAIR WHEEZES]
481
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:03,659
I'm sorry?
482
00:19:03,797 --> 00:19:04,798
The barrel table.
483
00:19:04,936 --> 00:19:07,007
What?
What are you talking about?
484
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,940
It looks great here
in the living room,
485
00:19:09,078 --> 00:19:10,804
but I was thinking it might go
in the kitchen
486
00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:13,255
or maybe even outside.
Is it waterproof, do you know?
487
00:19:13,393 --> 00:19:16,983
Buddy! You're not getting
the barrel table.
488
00:19:17,121 --> 00:19:18,916
What do you mean?
489
00:19:19,054 --> 00:19:20,228
This isn't
a furniture store.
490
00:19:20,366 --> 00:19:21,677
You're buying the house.
491
00:19:21,815 --> 00:19:23,300
We're taking
the barrel table.
492
00:19:23,438 --> 00:19:26,026
Ooh, boy.
Uh, Mr. Dichristophoro,
493
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,442
I was just
under the impression
494
00:19:27,580 --> 00:19:29,237
that the barrel table
came with the house.
495
00:19:29,375 --> 00:19:32,412
Well,
that's a dopey impression.
496
00:19:32,550 --> 00:19:34,725
What'd you think, you get
the whole kit and caboodle--
497
00:19:34,863 --> 00:19:36,347
The car, the cat, Ramona?
498
00:19:36,485 --> 00:19:37,797
No, of course not.
499
00:19:37,935 --> 00:19:39,039
Look, Mr. Buchman,
500
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,489
if you want
the barrel table,
501
00:19:40,627 --> 00:19:42,629
you can have the barrel table.
Well, thank you.
502
00:19:42,767 --> 00:19:44,597
Sure. What else do you want?
The tchotchkes,
503
00:19:44,735 --> 00:19:46,357
pictures of my nephew?
Take my sweater.
504
00:19:46,495 --> 00:19:48,808
I don't want your sweater.
Mr. Dichristophoro, please,
505
00:19:48,946 --> 00:19:51,259
I just want the barrel table.
Frank, put your sweater on.
506
00:19:51,397 --> 00:19:52,674
It's not my sweater.
It's his.
507
00:19:52,812 --> 00:19:55,159
Selling the man the sweater.
I don't want the sweater.
508
00:19:55,297 --> 00:19:57,230
I don't want the sweater.
What's the matter,
509
00:19:57,368 --> 00:19:59,198
you don't like the sweater?
510
00:19:59,336 --> 00:20:00,440
It's a very nice sweater.
511
00:20:00,578 --> 00:20:01,821
Then take it.
Take the sweater.
512
00:20:01,959 --> 00:20:03,098
Frank,
give him the sweater.
513
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:05,894
Ramona.
You still have your cardigan.
514
00:20:06,032 --> 00:20:07,965
[CHAIR WHEEZES]
515
00:20:08,103 --> 00:20:10,347
The barrel table
dies with me in Florida.
516
00:20:10,485 --> 00:20:12,245
Oh, really? Well,
let me tell you something.
517
00:20:12,383 --> 00:20:14,005
If this doesn't stay,
we go.
518
00:20:14,143 --> 00:20:15,386
Mr. Buchman,
please sit down.
519
00:20:15,524 --> 00:20:16,801
Please don't tell him
what to do.
520
00:20:16,939 --> 00:20:18,562
I've never seen
anything like this.
521
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:20,426
Nor have I.
Sit down.
522
00:20:20,564 --> 00:20:21,772
[CHAIRS WHEEZING]
Sit down.
523
00:20:21,910 --> 00:20:24,084
You two sit down.
Frank, sit down.
524
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,362
I can't sit down.
525
00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,398
Watch me. It's easy.
[WHEEZES]
526
00:20:27,536 --> 00:20:30,298
I know how to sit down.
I'm just not sitting down.
527
00:20:30,436 --> 00:20:31,816
Well, if you're not
gonna sit down,
528
00:20:31,954 --> 00:20:33,887
I'm not sitting down, either.
No. Me, neither.
529
00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,958
You know what--
What do you think you're doing?
530
00:20:36,096 --> 00:20:38,098
Enough standing
and sitting.
531
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,894
[CHAIRS WHEEZING]
532
00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:42,862
The barrel table is not
part of the sale.
533
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,726
Now, if you can't
accept that, Mr. Buchman,
534
00:20:44,864 --> 00:20:46,624
I will call this deal off
right here and now.
535
00:20:46,762 --> 00:20:50,421
Oh, God!
Be still, Ramona.
536
00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:52,147
[CHAIR WHEEZES]
537
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:54,701
Mr. Dichristophoro,
I'm sorry.
538
00:20:54,839 --> 00:20:56,738
It really hurts me to say
that I feel betrayed,
539
00:20:56,876 --> 00:20:59,637
and I'm indignant.
I cannot agree to that.
540
00:20:59,775 --> 00:21:01,294
I'm with him.
Oh, my God!
541
00:21:01,432 --> 00:21:03,158
I'm sorry. This deal
is hereby unsolved,
542
00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:05,022
insolved, unresolved,
and dissolved.
543
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,921
You're gonna blow this deal
over that table?
544
00:21:08,059 --> 00:21:10,855
[CHAIRS WHEEZING]
545
00:21:12,857 --> 00:21:14,618
So let it be written.
546
00:21:14,756 --> 00:21:17,310
So let it be done.
547
00:21:17,448 --> 00:21:20,002
[CHAIR WHEEZES]
548
00:21:20,140 --> 00:21:22,073
[♪♪♪♪♪]
549
00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:29,598
[♪♪♪♪♪]
550
00:21:34,085 --> 00:21:36,467
[PLAYING/WHEEZING
"JOY TO THE WORLD"]
551
00:22:02,424 --> 00:22:04,599
[CHAIR WHEEZES]
552
00:22:09,707 --> 00:22:11,606
Closed Captions:
Sarah Cannon
38772
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