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1
00:00:06,592 --> 00:00:08,560
Do I look like
somebody's mother to you?
2
00:00:08,974 --> 00:00:10,286
Yes.
3
00:00:12,081 --> 00:00:13,047
No.
4
00:00:16,361 --> 00:00:17,465
Yes and no.
5
00:00:19,502 --> 00:00:20,744
Excuse me, won't you?
6
00:00:34,448 --> 00:00:38,728
♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do
7
00:00:38,866 --> 00:00:41,662
♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart
8
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:43,146
♪ As much as you
9
00:00:43,284 --> 00:00:45,459
♪ Let's take each other's hand
10
00:00:45,597 --> 00:00:48,531
♪ As we jump into
the final frontier
11
00:00:51,258 --> 00:00:52,811
♪ Final frontier ♪
12
00:00:59,507 --> 00:01:01,613
Honey, does this
look clean to you?
13
00:01:01,751 --> 00:01:03,546
Uh-huh.
14
00:01:03,684 --> 00:01:05,479
'Cause I was looking
for the green one,
but I couldn't
15
00:01:05,617 --> 00:01:07,412
you didn't, by any chance,
get to the dry cleaners,
did you?
16
00:01:09,586 --> 00:01:12,106
Well, I was gonna,
but then I gave birth.
17
00:01:12,244 --> 00:01:13,866
Okay. All right.
18
00:01:14,004 --> 00:01:15,661
Nuff said.
Point made.
19
00:01:16,145 --> 00:01:17,215
Gotcha.
20
00:01:17,353 --> 00:01:18,354
What are you doing?
21
00:01:18,492 --> 00:01:20,425
Writing a letter
to Mabel.
22
00:01:20,563 --> 00:01:22,703
She's right there.
Just talk to her.
23
00:01:22,841 --> 00:01:25,430
It's for her to read
on her 18th birthday.
24
00:01:25,568 --> 00:01:27,535
Really?
She's gonna grow up
so fast,
25
00:01:27,673 --> 00:01:30,400
and I want her to know
all the things I was feeling
her first few weeks.
26
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,506
Oh, that's so sweet.
27
00:01:32,644 --> 00:01:33,990
Let me know
when you're finished.
I'll sign it, too.
28
00:01:37,856 --> 00:01:39,202
Write your own letter.
29
00:01:39,582 --> 00:01:40,652
What?
30
00:01:40,790 --> 00:01:42,205
This is private
between me and Mabel.
31
00:01:42,343 --> 00:01:45,070
Oh. Okay, okay.
32
00:01:45,208 --> 00:01:47,486
So, uh, what time do
we have reservations
tonight?
33
00:01:47,624 --> 00:01:49,488
I told everybody 7:00.
And don't be late
34
00:01:49,626 --> 00:01:50,938
'Cause then
the restaurant
gets too crowded,
35
00:01:51,076 --> 00:01:52,422
and it's too noisy
for the baby.
36
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,493
She's really something,
isn't she?
37
00:01:54,942 --> 00:01:56,150
She really is.
38
00:01:56,875 --> 00:01:59,119
She looks so... wise,
39
00:01:59,257 --> 00:02:02,639
and yet
absolutely innocent
at the same time.
40
00:02:02,777 --> 00:02:05,194
She's like this
flesh and blood
expression
41
00:02:05,332 --> 00:02:06,540
of both our lives,
42
00:02:06,678 --> 00:02:09,750
but starting over with
limitless possibility.
43
00:02:13,443 --> 00:02:15,169
Yeah. See,
I was gonna say
44
00:02:15,307 --> 00:02:16,377
she's small.
45
00:02:20,105 --> 00:02:21,693
PAUL: All right, mom,
we'll redo this line,
46
00:02:21,831 --> 00:02:23,039
and it will be
the best thing
in the movie.
47
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,247
Here's what
we're gonna do.
48
00:02:24,385 --> 00:02:25,524
You'll watch the clip
a couple of times.
49
00:02:25,662 --> 00:02:26,594
Yeah, and then what?
50
00:02:26,732 --> 00:02:27,733
And we'll just
do a pickup.
51
00:02:27,871 --> 00:02:29,010
We'll re-record
the last part
52
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,253
that was drowned out
by the siren.
53
00:02:30,391 --> 00:02:32,359
You can do that?
You can record
just that part?
54
00:02:32,497 --> 00:02:34,464
Sure.
And it won't interfere
with the rest?
55
00:02:34,602 --> 00:02:36,432
No.
Huh. Fancy.
56
00:02:38,434 --> 00:02:41,195
Once, Burt and I
were in a hotel
in Florida,
57
00:02:41,333 --> 00:02:42,783
and I stepped into
the elevator,
58
00:02:42,921 --> 00:02:44,129
and guess who's there.
59
00:02:44,612 --> 00:02:46,407
Ingrid Bergman.
60
00:02:46,545 --> 00:02:49,755
And she says something
I will never forget.
61
00:02:49,893 --> 00:02:51,171
She says to me,
62
00:02:51,792 --> 00:02:53,000
"Six, please."
63
00:02:53,828 --> 00:02:55,658
PAUL: So what happened?
64
00:02:55,796 --> 00:02:57,177
I pressed six.
65
00:02:57,315 --> 00:02:58,833
I told you
it's not a story.
66
00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:01,181
It's a beginning
of a story,
and it just stops.
67
00:03:01,319 --> 00:03:02,803
It has no point.
68
00:03:03,942 --> 00:03:05,909
What? The point is,
69
00:03:06,047 --> 00:03:09,396
[SIREN WAILS ON RECORDING]
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?
70
00:03:09,534 --> 00:03:11,121
Do I really
sound like that?
71
00:03:11,674 --> 00:03:13,020
You sound beautiful.
72
00:03:13,158 --> 00:03:14,124
Really?
73
00:03:14,263 --> 00:03:15,298
You sound like
Julie Andrews.
74
00:03:15,436 --> 00:03:16,541
Don't be fresh.
75
00:03:16,679 --> 00:03:18,232
All right.
76
00:03:18,370 --> 00:03:19,992
When did I sound
like Julie Andrews?
77
00:03:20,130 --> 00:03:21,339
When I said "elevator?"
78
00:03:21,477 --> 00:03:23,203
Exactly.
I thought so. Yeah.
79
00:03:23,996 --> 00:03:25,170
All right.
So that's all it is.
80
00:03:25,308 --> 00:03:27,068
Just practice the line
a couple of times,
81
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,484
get comfortable,
and then when
you're ready,
82
00:03:28,622 --> 00:03:30,244
give me a signal,
and we'll do it, okay?
Yeah.
83
00:03:30,382 --> 00:03:32,004
PAUL: Let me ask you
a question.
Yeah.
84
00:03:32,142 --> 00:03:35,560
If you found out that
your wife was writing
a letter to your kid
85
00:03:35,698 --> 00:03:37,044
that you were not
allowed to read,
86
00:03:37,182 --> 00:03:38,908
how would that
make you feel?
87
00:03:39,046 --> 00:03:40,220
Why, I'd think
it was very sweet
88
00:03:40,358 --> 00:03:41,945
and I had married
a terrific lady.
89
00:03:44,154 --> 00:03:45,121
No. You know
what I'm saying.
90
00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:47,606
Wouldn't it
make you feel...
91
00:03:47,744 --> 00:03:50,091
You don't think it'd
make you feel excluded
or even...
92
00:03:51,334 --> 00:03:53,129
No, excluded.
Wouldn't it make you
feel excluded?
93
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:54,682
No. I would understand.
94
00:03:54,820 --> 00:03:56,512
In fact, it might
inspire me to write
my own letter.
95
00:03:58,168 --> 00:03:59,273
You've really changed.
96
00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:01,862
Hello! Mr. Demille!
97
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,450
I'm ready for my pickup.
98
00:04:03,588 --> 00:04:05,900
Okay, ma, let's do it.
Here's what happens.
99
00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:07,281
You're gonna hear
three beeps,
100
00:04:07,419 --> 00:04:08,903
and then you talk
on the fourth one.
101
00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:10,698
Why do we need beeps?
102
00:04:10,836 --> 00:04:12,666
Just so you can
get ready.
103
00:04:12,804 --> 00:04:14,909
I'm ready. I got up,
I ate breakfast, I came.
104
00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:17,291
I don't need beeps.
It's very confusing.
105
00:04:17,429 --> 00:04:19,017
Well, that's the way
they do it.
106
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,882
No wonder
movies are so terrible.
107
00:04:23,504 --> 00:04:25,575
Dare you to put
a little bullet
in my head, all right?
108
00:04:26,887 --> 00:04:28,751
[BEEPING]
109
00:04:28,889 --> 00:04:30,511
[SPEAKING IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
What? The point is,
110
00:04:30,649 --> 00:04:33,687
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?
111
00:04:35,896 --> 00:04:37,311
Button?
[REWINDING TAPE]
112
00:04:37,449 --> 00:04:38,899
Uh, good.
You know what?
113
00:04:39,037 --> 00:04:40,418
Just try it again,
and maybe just
a little more natural.
114
00:04:40,556 --> 00:04:42,351
More like yourself.
Here we go.
115
00:04:42,937 --> 00:04:44,629
[BEEPING]
116
00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:46,147
[SPEAKING IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
What? The point is,
117
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,219
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button.
118
00:04:51,049 --> 00:04:52,361
[REWINDING TAPE]
119
00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:56,675
You know, again.
Just maybe even
more like yourself.
120
00:04:56,813 --> 00:04:59,057
Just talk like you.
Here we go.
121
00:04:59,437 --> 00:05:00,817
[BEEPING]
122
00:05:00,955 --> 00:05:02,267
[SPEAKING IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
What? The point is,
123
00:05:02,405 --> 00:05:05,512
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?
124
00:05:12,139 --> 00:05:13,174
Perfect.
125
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,870
Let me ask you a question.
The word "bouillabaisse,"
126
00:05:19,008 --> 00:05:20,837
are there really like
11 Ls in the middle there?
127
00:05:20,975 --> 00:05:22,218
What are you doing?
128
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:23,668
I'm writing
my letter to Mabel.
129
00:05:24,634 --> 00:05:25,842
Bouillabaisse?
130
00:05:27,292 --> 00:05:28,500
Yes, bouillabaisse.
131
00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:34,679
How do you spell "Paella?"
132
00:05:40,098 --> 00:05:41,237
What did you write
that came so easy...
133
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:42,928
Hey, hey, hey,
you can't read that.
134
00:05:43,066 --> 00:05:44,102
I don't care.
It's private.
135
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,069
Okay, okay.
Oh, deciton.
136
00:05:46,207 --> 00:05:48,727
I already know it's private,
you don't have to bark
at me. I understand
137
00:05:48,865 --> 00:05:52,282
when something's private.
138
00:05:52,421 --> 00:05:55,044
I'm not the kind of person
you tell something once,
you have to say it again.
139
00:05:56,701 --> 00:05:58,841
Hey.
You are pathetic.
140
00:05:58,979 --> 00:06:00,049
Wait a second.
What is this?
141
00:06:00,187 --> 00:06:01,602
How could you?
142
00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:03,708
"If I ever denied you
anything, I want you
to know
143
00:06:03,846 --> 00:06:05,365
how much it hurt me
to do so
144
00:06:05,503 --> 00:06:07,850
though others, others
always seem to take
the easy way out
145
00:06:07,988 --> 00:06:11,060
and say yes. A mother
sometimes has to say no."
146
00:06:11,198 --> 00:06:12,717
How could you read that?
Wha... what?
147
00:06:12,855 --> 00:06:14,684
So in other words,
a father's just incapable
of saying no?
148
00:06:14,822 --> 00:06:16,099
All right.
Give me the letter.
A father's just
149
00:06:16,237 --> 00:06:18,826
a big, mushy weakling
who can't help himself?
150
00:06:18,964 --> 00:06:20,725
Place the letter in my hand.
151
00:06:20,863 --> 00:06:22,520
I can't believe
you talked behind my back
152
00:06:22,658 --> 00:06:24,418
to my daughter
18 years in advance.
153
00:06:26,765 --> 00:06:29,009
I'm getting the baby
and we're going to dinner.
154
00:06:29,147 --> 00:06:31,460
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Besides, that's so
not even true.
155
00:06:31,598 --> 00:06:33,289
I can say... I can say no.
156
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:35,602
Whenever I want to,
as good as anybody.
157
00:06:36,603 --> 00:06:37,776
Hi, are you ready?
No.
158
00:06:37,914 --> 00:06:39,537
No?
You heard me. No.
159
00:06:39,675 --> 00:06:41,608
We're ready.
We're ready, we're ready.
160
00:06:41,746 --> 00:06:43,092
Hi.
Hi.
161
00:06:43,230 --> 00:06:44,611
[COOING]
162
00:06:44,749 --> 00:06:46,440
Look at her.
She looks like you.
163
00:06:46,578 --> 00:06:49,132
And like Paul.
She likes you and Paul.
164
00:06:50,306 --> 00:06:51,480
All right,
do we have everything?
165
00:06:51,618 --> 00:06:52,757
You have snuggly?
No.
166
00:06:52,895 --> 00:06:53,827
[DOORBELL RINGING]
You don't have a snuggly?
167
00:06:53,965 --> 00:06:55,104
All right, take it easy.
168
00:06:55,932 --> 00:06:57,106
Hey.
No!
169
00:06:57,244 --> 00:06:58,694
What?
Just like that... no!
170
00:06:59,660 --> 00:07:01,110
All right.
171
00:07:01,248 --> 00:07:02,249
Paulie, for you.
172
00:07:02,387 --> 00:07:04,044
What is it?
173
00:07:04,182 --> 00:07:06,529
James got me thinking.
I realized I had some letters
to write, too.
174
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:07,703
Oh, no.
175
00:07:07,841 --> 00:07:09,049
James, one for you,
176
00:07:09,187 --> 00:07:11,292
one for you, Joan,
and for you, Debbie.
177
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,675
And of course,
one for Mabel.
178
00:07:15,538 --> 00:07:16,608
Give me a kiss.
179
00:07:16,746 --> 00:07:19,266
It's your favorite
letter writing uncle.
180
00:07:19,404 --> 00:07:22,027
Now you cannot read
these letters
until after I die.
181
00:07:24,754 --> 00:07:26,446
Are you kidding me?
Now you're writing letters?
182
00:07:26,584 --> 00:07:28,378
You have nothing to say
to these people.
183
00:07:30,519 --> 00:07:31,692
What happens if we die first?
184
00:07:31,830 --> 00:07:33,832
Well, if you're dying
or have a premonition of dying,
185
00:07:33,970 --> 00:07:35,178
you can go ahead
and read it.
186
00:07:35,316 --> 00:07:37,387
What if you had a really
throaty cough?
187
00:07:38,665 --> 00:07:40,321
Come on, let's go.
188
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,496
It's important that
you're dying, that you're
not going to recover
189
00:07:42,634 --> 00:07:44,498
'cause if you recover,
then I'll have to write
another letter.
190
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,121
Of course,
if it's an unexpected death,
191
00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:49,779
like getting hit by a bus
or a flash flood, then
I can't help you.
192
00:07:56,165 --> 00:07:57,269
What are you doing?
Writing a letter.
193
00:07:57,407 --> 00:07:59,306
Oh, isn't that sweet.
194
00:07:59,444 --> 00:08:01,826
Thank you.
I was going to write you
one too.
195
00:08:01,964 --> 00:08:03,344
Oh, actually it's to Ira.
196
00:08:04,863 --> 00:08:06,451
He wrote me one to read
when he's dead
197
00:08:06,589 --> 00:08:08,315
so I feel like I should
write him one, too.
198
00:08:08,453 --> 00:08:10,490
No, that's fine.
I understand.
199
00:08:10,628 --> 00:08:11,939
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, what does it say?
200
00:08:12,077 --> 00:08:13,976
It says it's kinda private.
201
00:08:14,114 --> 00:08:17,600
I understand. Sometimes
you have to keep things
from your soulmate.
202
00:08:19,015 --> 00:08:21,293
Listen, lying by omission
in this way
203
00:08:21,431 --> 00:08:23,675
can be the backbone
of a healthy relationship.
204
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,850
Listen, I...
205
00:08:25,988 --> 00:08:27,265
Kidding. It's fine.
206
00:08:27,403 --> 00:08:28,508
Good.
207
00:08:29,612 --> 00:08:30,682
What does it say?
208
00:08:30,820 --> 00:08:32,477
Deb...
[MUMBLES]
209
00:08:32,615 --> 00:08:34,237
No, I... I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
210
00:08:34,375 --> 00:08:37,793
I know you'd show it to me
if I really wanted to see it.
211
00:08:39,933 --> 00:08:42,832
I know that
there are no thoughts
that you'd not share with me.
212
00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:46,111
Let me see it.
213
00:08:46,249 --> 00:08:47,354
No.
214
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,737
"Dear Ira,
just between you and me
215
00:08:50,875 --> 00:08:53,429
now that I'm gone,
it can't hurt to tell you, Ira,
216
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,465
that every once
in a while
217
00:08:55,604 --> 00:08:57,813
I would look over you
and think to myself,
218
00:08:57,951 --> 00:09:01,575
"Gee, in another time
in another place,
in another life,
219
00:09:03,025 --> 00:09:04,371
you never know."
220
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:12,379
Are you kidding me?
221
00:09:12,517 --> 00:09:14,864
Oh, please. Don't even
waste your time
being jealous.
222
00:09:15,002 --> 00:09:16,935
Oh, no, no,
not jealous, no.
223
00:09:17,073 --> 00:09:19,455
No, flabbergasted
at the scope
of your taste.
224
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,491
But jealous...
225
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,983
All right.
Here we go.
226
00:09:32,330 --> 00:09:34,332
"Dear Mabel,
[CLEARS THROAT]
227
00:09:34,470 --> 00:09:36,610
"When did you get
to be a beauty?
228
00:09:36,748 --> 00:09:38,578
"When did you grow up
to be so tall?
229
00:09:44,135 --> 00:09:46,240
"Wasn't it yesterday
that you were small?"
230
00:09:48,070 --> 00:09:49,347
Honey, can you help me
with this?
231
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:52,799
And then,
could you do the hustle?
232
00:09:58,528 --> 00:10:00,151
All right,
it's the only shirt I had.
233
00:10:00,289 --> 00:10:01,531
I'm going to the cleaners,
I swear.
234
00:10:01,670 --> 00:10:03,948
[BABY GURGLING]
Listen, listen to her.
235
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,192
[BABY GURGLING]
236
00:10:09,194 --> 00:10:10,368
Excuse me.
237
00:10:14,579 --> 00:10:15,718
Are you writing
a second letter?
238
00:10:15,856 --> 00:10:16,995
Uh-huh.
239
00:10:17,133 --> 00:10:18,169
Just from the gurgling now?
240
00:10:18,307 --> 00:10:19,998
Uh-huh.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
241
00:10:20,136 --> 00:10:22,691
I mean, all right,
that is really rubbing
my nose in it.
242
00:10:22,829 --> 00:10:24,382
Not only can I get
a letter going,
243
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,384
my failure
seems to inspire you.
244
00:10:28,075 --> 00:10:30,491
Hi, I couldn't resist.
I got you a snuggly.
Snuggly?
245
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:31,838
Thank you.
246
00:10:31,976 --> 00:10:33,529
I don't know
if it will fit
so try it on.
247
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,186
How can it not fit?
I don't know.
248
00:10:35,324 --> 00:10:37,222
But read the directions,
it's very important that
you read the directions.
249
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,845
I don't have to read
the directions.
250
00:10:38,983 --> 00:10:40,950
These things are done
by engineering students
251
00:10:41,088 --> 00:10:42,503
after years of study.
252
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,436
You don't put it on
without reading the directions.
253
00:10:44,574 --> 00:10:45,679
Honey, read the directions.
254
00:10:45,817 --> 00:10:46,922
Okay, this is not right.
255
00:10:48,475 --> 00:10:49,787
I told you
to read the directions.
256
00:10:49,925 --> 00:10:51,961
If you were smart,
you'd read the directions.
257
00:10:52,099 --> 00:10:53,618
Okay, could you sound
more like ma?
258
00:10:54,999 --> 00:10:56,241
Why?
259
00:11:00,763 --> 00:11:02,662
Here's a crazy idea.
260
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,147
How would you like to come
down and record mom's voice
for ten seconds today?
261
00:11:05,285 --> 00:11:06,700
Really?
[DOORBELL RINGING]
262
00:11:06,838 --> 00:11:08,495
Yeah, because you do it great
and if I got to go through it
263
00:11:08,633 --> 00:11:10,842
with her again, I'm going to
end up crying in a pile
of my own dirt.
264
00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:12,430
All right.
265
00:11:12,568 --> 00:11:13,707
Bless you.
DEBBIE: Great.
266
00:11:13,845 --> 00:11:15,088
Hi.
JAMIE: Hey.
267
00:11:15,226 --> 00:11:16,330
How's it going?
268
00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:18,160
Well, if it isn't Mr. Love.
269
00:11:22,612 --> 00:11:23,683
I'm sorry?
270
00:11:24,580 --> 00:11:25,685
Nothing, forget it.
271
00:11:25,823 --> 00:11:27,721
Forget it?
What, forget Mr. Love?
272
00:11:27,859 --> 00:11:29,171
No, I shouldn't have
said anything.
273
00:11:29,309 --> 00:11:31,552
About what?
Stop it. Joan's gonna kill me.
274
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,520
Joan?
Oh, Jesus.
275
00:11:33,658 --> 00:11:37,213
Come on, Debbie.
You gotta tell me.
Mr. Love is begging you.
276
00:11:37,351 --> 00:11:40,009
All right.
But you forget this
the instant you hear it.
277
00:11:40,147 --> 00:11:41,252
I forgot already.
278
00:11:41,390 --> 00:11:44,358
All right. Last night,
Joan admitted to me,
279
00:11:45,152 --> 00:11:47,258
that sometimes,
[LAUGHING]
280
00:11:48,155 --> 00:11:50,537
she fantasizes...
[LAUGHING]
281
00:11:51,987 --> 00:11:54,299
sometimes, she fantasizes
sleeping...
[LAUGHING]
282
00:11:55,784 --> 00:11:57,440
Sleeping?
What she fantasizes
about sleeping?
283
00:11:57,578 --> 00:11:58,787
Sleeping with Ira.
284
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:02,860
Wow.
Wow.
285
00:12:02,998 --> 00:12:05,034
Wow.
Joan?
286
00:12:05,172 --> 00:12:08,382
Joan you mean,
for all intents and purposes,
your wife, Joan?
287
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,212
You'll take this
to your grave, Ira.
288
00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:11,592
Absolutely, I will.
289
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:12,870
Thank you.
Wow.
290
00:12:13,008 --> 00:12:14,664
Anyway, listen.
It'll only take ten minutes.
291
00:12:14,803 --> 00:12:16,287
Just come down,
you know.
292
00:12:16,425 --> 00:12:17,633
What do you think
to be the best time, Ira,
about 12:00?
293
00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:20,498
[SINGING]
♪ Me and Mrs. Joan
294
00:12:20,636 --> 00:12:21,706
Stop that.
295
00:12:21,844 --> 00:12:25,330
♪ We got a thing going on.
296
00:12:25,468 --> 00:12:27,747
♪ We both know
that its wrong
297
00:12:27,885 --> 00:12:29,472
You see what you started
with the letters?
298
00:12:43,452 --> 00:12:46,179
I wonder what kind of fantasy
Joan has about me.
299
00:12:46,317 --> 00:12:48,664
Is it slow and sexy like
300
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,666
nine and a half weeks
with the ice cubes?
301
00:12:52,219 --> 00:12:55,015
Or is it sweet, like
Lady and The Tramp
with the spaghetti?
302
00:12:57,431 --> 00:12:59,675
Have you not had
relations in, like,
18 years?
303
00:13:02,126 --> 00:13:04,507
You wear a shirt like that
you're not allowed to make fun
of anybody.
304
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,891
Let me tell you something,
Justus, okay?
305
00:13:09,029 --> 00:13:11,998
A lot of ladies have said
a lot of things about me.
306
00:13:12,136 --> 00:13:15,104
But nobody from the other camp
has ever admitted to having
a fantasy about me.
307
00:13:15,242 --> 00:13:18,521
Now, that... [CHUCKLES]
that is truly, truly sexy.
308
00:13:20,006 --> 00:13:21,662
All right, here we go.
We're ready.
309
00:13:22,663 --> 00:13:25,218
"Dear Mabel,
310
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,229
[SNICKERING]
311
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:40,164
You're gonna eat that
or you're gonna marry it?
312
00:13:41,890 --> 00:13:43,684
I happen to love it.
313
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,617
All right, now I gotta go
get me something to eat.
314
00:13:46,549 --> 00:13:47,792
Hey.
Give me a minute.
315
00:13:47,930 --> 00:13:49,414
You want a sandwich
or something?
Yeah, sure.
316
00:13:50,484 --> 00:13:51,589
Hey, Ira.
317
00:13:51,727 --> 00:13:53,936
Hi Deb.
How you doing, listen,
318
00:13:54,074 --> 00:13:55,696
before we begin,
319
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,353
I just want to say,
that I...
320
00:13:57,491 --> 00:13:59,597
I hope there's
no hard feelings about
this whole Joan thing.
321
00:13:59,735 --> 00:14:01,599
Oh, don't be silly.
Where do I go?
In here?
322
00:14:01,737 --> 00:14:03,083
Oh, Deb, wait a minute.
323
00:14:03,221 --> 00:14:04,809
We're a family.
We can work this through.
324
00:14:04,947 --> 00:14:07,536
Ira, it's nothing.
I've got about three minutes
to do this.
325
00:14:07,674 --> 00:14:08,675
You want to sit down?
326
00:14:08,813 --> 00:14:10,850
Here? Thank you.
Yeah, good.
327
00:14:10,988 --> 00:14:13,162
Look, remember...
[SIGHS]
328
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:15,958
remember that I'm saying this
to you as someone
who loves you.
329
00:14:16,096 --> 00:14:17,822
This is really cool.
What, do I talk into here?
330
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,031
Debbie, come on,
we can't hide behind
nervous talk.
331
00:14:20,169 --> 00:14:22,309
Why don't we just
face the truth, huh?
332
00:14:22,447 --> 00:14:25,347
I mean, you and I,
we do have a great deal
in common.
333
00:14:25,485 --> 00:14:30,352
Not the least of which
are the affections
of a certain lovely, lanky
334
00:14:30,490 --> 00:14:32,319
albeit Jew hen,
by the name of Joan.
335
00:14:32,457 --> 00:14:35,150
Oh, for God's sake.
I know, I know
this is difficult for you.
336
00:14:35,288 --> 00:14:39,085
I do, but believe me
none of this was intentional
on my part, I mean.
337
00:14:39,223 --> 00:14:42,191
You have to understand,
with me, sometimes
338
00:14:42,329 --> 00:14:45,160
sometimes, chicks,
they do nutty stuff.
339
00:14:45,298 --> 00:14:49,889
You know! And it is
my fondest hope...
My fondest hope that
340
00:14:50,027 --> 00:14:52,753
somehow this whole thing
will bring us closer together.
341
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:53,893
Okay, Ira.
342
00:14:56,171 --> 00:14:58,242
Okay, good.
343
00:14:58,380 --> 00:15:00,865
It is like the greatest
single thing I ever heard
from a chick.
344
00:15:01,003 --> 00:15:02,280
All right. Enough.
345
00:15:02,418 --> 00:15:03,799
Oh, come on,
think about it.
346
00:15:07,561 --> 00:15:09,529
[EXCLAIMING]
You told him?
347
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:11,876
If you'd have been there,
you'd have got a big kick
out of it.
348
00:15:12,014 --> 00:15:13,153
What did he do?
Nothing.
349
00:15:13,291 --> 00:15:14,637
What did he do?
350
00:15:14,775 --> 00:15:17,847
He set out on
an ego trip
of mythic proportions.
351
00:15:18,987 --> 00:15:20,333
Oh, Lord... [MUMBLING]
352
00:15:20,471 --> 00:15:22,404
I've got to go...
I've got to go
and talk to him.
353
00:15:22,542 --> 00:15:25,407
How am I ever
going to look him
in the eye again?
354
00:15:25,545 --> 00:15:26,960
I don't know
but I can tell you this,
355
00:15:27,098 --> 00:15:28,272
it'll be winking at you.
356
00:15:33,415 --> 00:15:34,968
[BEEPING]
357
00:15:35,106 --> 00:15:36,694
[JAMIE'S VOICE] What?
358
00:15:36,832 --> 00:15:39,145
The point is
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?
359
00:15:40,836 --> 00:15:42,389
What? The point is,
360
00:15:42,527 --> 00:15:44,909
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?
361
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,325
What? The point is,
362
00:15:47,463 --> 00:15:49,638
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button.
363
00:15:54,022 --> 00:15:55,264
Perfect.
364
00:15:55,402 --> 00:15:57,025
PAUL: Great.
365
00:15:57,163 --> 00:15:59,165
Sadly, you and I
can never have sex again,
but that was perfect.
366
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,791
Nice job, you.
367
00:16:04,929 --> 00:16:07,173
On one hand, Joan
is a woman who likes me.
368
00:16:07,311 --> 00:16:09,934
On the other hand,
she's a lesbian who
lives with my cousin.
369
00:16:10,521 --> 00:16:11,591
Is he serious?
370
00:16:11,729 --> 00:16:12,902
Just ignore him.
He'll talk himself out.
371
00:16:13,041 --> 00:16:15,250
Hey, if Joan wants me
who am I to play God?
372
00:16:15,388 --> 00:16:17,907
Maybe I should make myself
available to her.
373
00:16:19,116 --> 00:16:20,462
Ira?
Yeah.
374
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,084
No, no, no.
375
00:16:22,222 --> 00:16:24,224
You understand me? No.
376
00:16:24,362 --> 00:16:26,123
Banish the thought
from your mind.
377
00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:27,883
Okay.
378
00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:30,161
First of all,
you have no shot.
379
00:16:30,299 --> 00:16:31,818
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
380
00:16:32,405 --> 00:16:33,716
No.
381
00:16:33,854 --> 00:16:35,753
And second of all,
even if you did, no.
382
00:16:37,168 --> 00:16:38,687
Okay, fine.
No, no, no. Ira.
383
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:42,691
No.
384
00:16:44,072 --> 00:16:48,283
No.
385
00:16:48,421 --> 00:16:49,870
Okay.
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
386
00:16:53,598 --> 00:16:55,600
[SINGING]
♪ Joan, Mrs. Joan... ♪
387
00:17:00,433 --> 00:17:01,537
Hi, Joan.
388
00:17:06,611 --> 00:17:08,544
So, so you heard
about my letter?
389
00:17:08,682 --> 00:17:10,408
Yeah, yeah.
390
00:17:10,546 --> 00:17:13,308
It's okay, you know.
I've kind of always known.
391
00:17:15,275 --> 00:17:19,348
Uh, you weren't supposed
to read it until I was dead,
you know.
392
00:17:19,486 --> 00:17:21,316
I know.
393
00:17:21,454 --> 00:17:24,008
So, I mean we both know
the difference between
something serious and just a
394
00:17:24,146 --> 00:17:25,285
harmless little flirtation.
395
00:17:25,423 --> 00:17:26,562
Of course.
396
00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:28,254
Okay. I just...
I just wanted to make sure.
397
00:17:28,392 --> 00:17:30,118
I just don't want there to be
any weirdness between us.
398
00:17:30,256 --> 00:17:31,567
Hey. Not a drop.
399
00:17:31,705 --> 00:17:32,844
Good.
[SIGHS]
400
00:17:32,982 --> 00:17:35,399
So, we're cool?
Joan, don't be silly.
401
00:17:35,537 --> 00:17:37,366
Joan, we're both
mature individuals.
402
00:17:37,504 --> 00:17:39,161
We're practically
related, for God's sake.
403
00:17:39,299 --> 00:17:42,130
I mean, for all of us,
there's a line, you know,
[CLICKS TONGUE]
404
00:17:42,268 --> 00:17:44,373
You just...
you really shouldn't
405
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,514
you shouldn't cross.
406
00:17:47,652 --> 00:17:49,275
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
407
00:17:49,413 --> 00:17:51,070
Ira, Ira, get off me, Ira!
408
00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:52,726
You're not dreaming, Joan.
409
00:17:52,864 --> 00:17:55,074
You're not dreaming.
This is not a fantasy.
410
00:17:55,212 --> 00:17:56,765
I can make your dreams
come true.
411
00:17:56,903 --> 00:17:59,285
I'm telling you.
Get off me!
412
00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:11,020
So, we're cool?
413
00:18:21,824 --> 00:18:23,861
Okay, honey, remember
this is from Daddy, okay.
414
00:18:23,999 --> 00:18:25,069
This is not from Mommy
and Daddy.
415
00:18:25,207 --> 00:18:27,692
This is just from Daddy.
416
00:18:27,830 --> 00:18:30,178
What's that?
That's my letter to Mabel.
417
00:18:30,316 --> 00:18:31,627
When did you do that?
418
00:18:32,180 --> 00:18:33,526
At work, after you left.
419
00:18:34,561 --> 00:18:36,253
Pretty heavy letter.
Uh-huh.
420
00:18:36,391 --> 00:18:37,392
Can I see it?
421
00:18:37,530 --> 00:18:38,772
Uh, no.
422
00:18:40,188 --> 00:18:41,810
I'm saying no
like a trooper now, huh?
423
00:18:43,294 --> 00:18:44,364
Here, you know what...
424
00:18:44,502 --> 00:18:46,677
I got it, sweety. I got it.
Ready to go.
425
00:18:46,815 --> 00:18:48,610
Bye.
Where are you going?
426
00:18:48,748 --> 00:18:50,750
We're gonna... we're going
to the bank to put this
in the safe deposit box.
427
00:18:50,888 --> 00:18:52,372
Oh, don't go to the bank,
it's such a nice day
428
00:18:52,510 --> 00:18:54,374
and I'm going tomorrow
anyway.
429
00:18:54,512 --> 00:18:56,859
Okay. Good. You know what?
430
00:18:56,997 --> 00:18:59,690
I'm gonna go outside and
parade my daughter's dangling
legs to the general public.
431
00:18:59,828 --> 00:19:00,829
Have fun.
432
00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:02,693
All right. See you. Come on.
433
00:19:02,831 --> 00:19:05,040
Remember, be very careful
not to kick
434
00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:07,974
because if Daddy
doubles over, nobody wins.
435
00:19:30,445 --> 00:19:32,067
Happy Birthday, Mabel.
436
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:35,346
You're 18 now and
I know what you're thinking.
437
00:19:35,484 --> 00:19:37,279
I was pretty cute with hair.
438
00:19:37,417 --> 00:19:41,352
Well, though you're watching
this in the year 2000 and
439
00:19:41,490 --> 00:19:45,770
something, as I speak
to you today, you are
still very small.
440
00:19:45,908 --> 00:19:47,600
You are truly like a little
441
00:19:49,878 --> 00:19:51,086
you're very small.
442
00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:52,881
And so I wanted
to give you
an overview
443
00:19:53,019 --> 00:19:56,125
of all the things that
we'll be doing together,
you and I.
444
00:19:56,264 --> 00:20:00,578
So, I made this film
for you and I just
put it together, you know.
445
00:20:00,716 --> 00:20:02,304
Like that.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
446
00:20:02,442 --> 00:20:06,653
Which, by the way,
something I don't think
your mother can do.
447
00:20:06,791 --> 00:20:10,554
This is Yankee Stadium,
well, you won't believe
how green it is there.
448
00:20:10,692 --> 00:20:14,385
This is Broadway,
where we'll be going
to the theater, you and I.
449
00:20:14,523 --> 00:20:17,388
Not the one
with the three Xs on it.
The other one.
450
00:20:17,526 --> 00:20:19,839
This is the Manhattan Bridge,
just as nice as
the Brooklyn Bridge
451
00:20:19,977 --> 00:20:21,289
but without the crowds.
452
00:20:22,807 --> 00:20:24,947
These are the tulips
on Park Avenue.
453
00:20:25,085 --> 00:20:26,328
Look how I look
the same in every shot.
454
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,366
This, I think is my thumb.
455
00:20:29,504 --> 00:20:31,368
As I said,
I did this very fast.
456
00:20:31,506 --> 00:20:33,956
This is a restaurant
that I'm hoping to God
will be open in 18 years
457
00:20:34,094 --> 00:20:36,683
because they make
a lamb sandwich
458
00:20:36,821 --> 00:20:38,823
crusty on the outside,
juicy on the inside.
459
00:20:38,961 --> 00:20:40,653
Believe me,
you're gonna thank me.
460
00:20:40,791 --> 00:20:43,621
This is the river.
You know Manhattan
is an island, right?
461
00:20:43,759 --> 00:20:45,796
We'll get us some ducks
at Yun-Fat's.
462
00:20:45,934 --> 00:20:48,143
Then, while we're
in the neighborhood,
get a couple of cannolis.
463
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:51,491
And then to top it off,
couple of laps
around the lake.
464
00:20:51,629 --> 00:20:53,562
So, as you can see
by the time you're 18,
465
00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:56,807
you're gonna think
I am just swell.
466
00:20:56,945 --> 00:21:00,535
But the best present
I can ever give you
is right here.
467
00:21:00,673 --> 00:21:03,020
This nice lady.
468
00:21:03,158 --> 00:21:06,126
I discovered her.
I conned her into
marrying me
469
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,888
and subsequently
made her your mom.
470
00:21:09,026 --> 00:21:11,131
And I am sure
for your 18th birthday,
you were thinking
471
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:14,031
you were gonna get
one of those flying cars
all the kids are driving.
472
00:21:14,169 --> 00:21:18,967
But today, like everyday, I'm giving you the best gift that I could possibly think of.
473
00:21:19,761 --> 00:21:21,625
Your mom.
474
00:21:21,763 --> 00:21:24,179
And to your mom,
who I am sure, put the tape
into the machine
475
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:26,871
six seconds after
I walked out the door,
476
00:21:27,009 --> 00:21:31,013
I'm gonna stop and pick up
the shirts because I...
I can't live like this.
477
00:21:31,393 --> 00:21:32,498
Love you.
478
00:21:42,853 --> 00:21:45,131
[PAUL'S VOICE ON TAPE]
Your mom.
479
00:21:45,269 --> 00:21:47,478
And to your mom,
who I am sure, put the tape
into the machine
480
00:21:47,616 --> 00:21:49,860
six seconds after
I walked out the door,
481
00:21:49,998 --> 00:21:54,347
I'm gonna stop and pick up
the shirts because I...
I can't live like this.
482
00:21:54,796 --> 00:21:55,900
Love you.
483
00:22:00,905 --> 00:22:04,184
So, in other words,
letters and video tapes
are my birthday present,
484
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,497
but flying car,
not so much.
485
00:22:09,535 --> 00:22:11,433
All right. Very good.
36374
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