All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S05E12.What.Good.Are.You.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS

[car chase sound effects
over tv]

- Going to eat all of that?

- I asked you
if you wanted one.

- All right, fine.

I was just thinking that

Right now I could go
for some orange

Or some sex.

Thank you.

- [coughing]

[turns up volume]

- You all right?

What's the matter?

What is it?
Wrong pipe or something?

- [gasps]

[coughs once]

- There you go.

- [gasps]
you drew that yourself?

- They're coming!

[beethoven's "ode to joy"]

[music stops]

[heart beating]

["ode to joy" resumes]

- Ray, why didn't you
do something?

- What? What do you
want me to do?

- You just sat there
and turned up the tv!

- There was
a lot of noise.

- Is that how you react
in an emergency?

- It wasn't an emergency.
The thing came out.

Want me to pick it up,
so you don't slip on it?

- I was choking.

- You were coughing.
I mean, coughing's not choking.

All right, I'm sorry.

I guess
I-I should've done more.

- More than nothing, ray?

- Aw, come on.
You're okay now.

You don't got
to be mad at me, right?

Mukluk?

- You know, is it too much
to ask for you

To save my life
once in a while?

I mean, I think it's the least
you could do around here.

- Hey, come on.

You know
you can always count on me.

- Oh, I can? When?

- When it counts.

When the chips are down.

Everybody knows that.

I'm the chips-are-down guy.

- Mm, oh, really?

Well, where was
the chips-are-down guy

When the squirrel got
in the house the other day?

Hmm, I believe he was
in the closet screaming,

"get it out! Get it out!
It's after me!"

- It was after me.

I had been eating nuts.

- I mean, face it.

You're useless
in an emergency.

- This wasn't an emergency.

You--you coughed.
You went, "pwah!"

Right?
That's not choking.

- Okay,
and if I had been choking,

What would you have done?

- If you had really
been choking,

I'm sure that I would
have known what to do.

- Oh, it would come to you
just like that.

- Yeah, yeah,
like the grandma

Who suddenly can lift
the truck off the grandson.

- Okay, grandma.
What would you do?

- I would have done
the maneuver thing.

- Yeah, how do you do
the maneuver thing?

- [stammers] you get around
behind them, and you--

Listen, my specialty
happens to be

Mouth-to-mouth.

- Hey.

- Robert, can you do
the heimlich maneuver?

- Of course. Why?
What's the problem?

- Nothing, all right?

Relax, sergeant show-off.
Everything's fine.

- Yeah, no thanks to ray.
- You were choking?

- No.
- Yeah, and he just sat there.

- Well, he's never been good
in an emergency.

- Unless you can't hear a tv
during your emergency.

Then he's your man.

- Hey, the chips weren't down!

- Don't worry, deb.
You're family.

I'm watching out for you.

- Thanks, robert.
- Oh, please.

- You know that a person can
perform the heimlich maneuver

On themselves
if they have to?

- Yeah?
Better show me how.

- I hear you.

Okay, you want
to use the chair, right?

You just got to lean over--

- I hear you too, yeah.
Hey, robert.

There's another maneuver
you can perform on yourself.

Hey, ma.

- Hello, raymond.
You want something to eat?

- No, I'm not hungry.

- You'll have a sandwich.

- Let me get that for you.
Here.

[grunts]

[grunts]

There you go.

- Thank you.

Actually, I had
just closed it.

- All right,
maybe I'll just hang out here

For a little while.

Oh.

"celebrate with celery."

Hmm.
Thanks.

- What's wrong, raymond?
What did she do?

- Nothing. She's mad at me.
She was--

She was eating an orange,
and she started coughing.

But not big coughing,
you know?

And I guess
I should have done something

Or something.

- Is that
what she said?

- No.

She said
she was choking,

And I should have saved
her life.

- Well, you know,
raymond,

I've always found debra
to be very demanding.

- You know,
so I didn't know

The exact right thing to do
at that particular moment.

I'm still...

You know...Right?

- What, dear?

- Well, like,
in an emergency situation,

You'd still want--
you want me around, right?

- What kind of emergency?

- I don't know.

I save you from something--
a flood, a fire.

- Are there
other people around?

- Oh, come on, ma.

- Well, it was just that

When it comes to acting
under pressure,

You're not exactly--

But robert happens
to be very capable.

- Yeah, but that's his job.
He's had training.

- Even before the training.

- All right, let's say
robert's not here.

He's--he's giving cpr
to a kitten, okay?

Then--
then you want me.

- Is your father available?

- What?

- Well, listen,
say what you will about him,

But when it comes
to something like this,

He can be very impressive.

I mean, he's a fighter.
He's got that inner rage.

Actually, he's just looking
for an excuse to use it.

- And you like that?

You're the one
always complaining

That he isn't sensitive enough.

- But you just don't want
sensitive.

I mean, sensitive doesn't
scare off a burglar

Or--or a peeping tom.

- That's a big problem
around here, is it?

- How long does it take

To make
a frickin' sandwich?

- You can't rush
the love, frank.

- He's not the only fighter,
okay, ma? I'm tough too.

- Chair.

- I'm tough
when the chips are down.

- What are you
talking about?

Marie, chips.

- I'm talking
that I'm tough.

- Tough to resist.
[kisses]

- Yeah, you're tough.
[chuckles]

- Yeah, what of it?

- All right, let's go.
- What?

- Come on, big shot,
arm-wrestle.

- Oh, frank, take your elbow
off the table.

- Relax.
You can have winners.

Come on.
I'm waiting, sadie.

- Look, I'm not arm-wrestling
you, okay, you maniac?

I don't have anything
to prove.

- Well, then that proves
something, doesn't it?

- Don't--don't listen to him.
Don't listen to him.

You're a sweet boy,
and that's what you do.

- I'm not sweet!

- All right,
don't get upset.

What I meant to say
is that you're sweet,

But you're also manly.

You're a strapping,
virile man.

- Said his mommy.

- I'm not only
his mommy, frank.

I'm also a woman.

- Oh, god.

- And you always do things
like that.

I remember you getting
in fights all the time.

- Getting picked on,
you mean.

A wedgie is not a fight.

- Do you remember that boy
who was bothering you,

And you walloped him?

- Oh, yeah,
that's right,

Robert's friend
albert gomez.

- How old
was this bruiser, 10?

- For your information, dad,
I was 10, okay?

He was 12 1/2.

- Ooh.

- He called me
"big-nose barone,"

And I said, "stop."

He said--
he said, "okay, b.N.B."

I knew
what that meant, yeah.

So I punched him
in the stomach,

And he went down
like a sack of doorknobs.

Yeah. It wasn't
"big-nose barone" anymore.

It was "super punch."

- And you don't have
a big nose, dear.

It's perfect
for your face.

- It's perfect
for two faces.

- Oh, frank.

- All right, dad, huh?

Knock it off.

- Easy there, super punch.
- Yeah.

- What did they call you, huh?
Super paunch?

- I'm right here.

- All right, let's go.

- Oh, come on, now.
I don't like that.

Stop it.
And not on my egg salad.

- Ready?

- Go.

- I'm just playing
with you.

- Yeah. Yeah, sure.

- Three, two, one.

- Oh.

- [laughs]

What did you expect, kid?

It's my tv arm.

- You're a bully, frank.

- Come on,
two out of three.

Ahh, my funny bone!
Ahh, ahh.

- Frank, see what you did?
- Oh, it's tingly.

- He's hurt.
- Ahh, tingly.

- I'll take
his sandwich too.

- Hey.
- Hey, nemo.

You know what to do
if somebody's choking?

- Change the special.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Hey, ray,
how's it going?

- Hey, you were late.

We ordered pizza
with jalapenos, deal with it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What, you wear the uniform
everywhere now?

- I'm on a lunch break.

They make us wear these
for work.

- [scoffs]

- What's with you?

- Nothing.

You're a bad brother.

- Hey, don't say that.

A brother is a friend
given by nature.

- All right, look,
raymond's mad at me

Because I showed debra
the heimlich maneuver.

- Is that a euphemism?

- You don't come
into my house

And try to show me up
in front of my wife.

- He let her
almost choke to death.

- Well, that's not right.

- She was coughing
on a piece of fruit!

Only thanks to this boy scout,
she thinks I'm useless now.

- I'd rather be a boy scout
than a girl scout.

- What are you saying?

- I'm saying

I'll take a box
of thin mints, sweetie.

- That's funny.
What does that mean?

- What do you want
to drink, ray?

- I'll have a coke.

- You want to arm-wrestle
for it?

[laughter]

- That's good.
That is good.

- Dad had me paged
at work.

- Did he tell you
that he cheated, huh?

He was using
his whole body,

Not to mention
his breath.

- Your dad's a real man.

He does what it takes
to get the job done.

- I get the job done.

- Oh, we're getting
some conflicting reports.

Apparently you're weaker
than a feeble old geezer,

And you almost lost
your bride to an orange.

- Yeah, all right.
Just shut up.

- Come on, ray.

Our bodies are covered
with hair for a reason.

- To nauseate
your fellow diners?

- 'cause we're supposed
to be men,

And, ray,

As your friend,
I can honestly say,

Unless you can provide for
and protect your woman,

You should get out of the way
and give me a shot.

- All right.
- All right, all right.

Look, look, come on.
Debra would never go for you.

- Oh, and who would she
go for, you?

- I don't even think
that's a question.

- All right,
would you both shut up?

- [stutters]
I'm serious.

My legs are taller
than you.

- Oh, yeah?
You're a real man?

Check this out.
I shaved an hour ago.

- Again with the hair?
What else you got?

- All right, raymond,
who would debra pick first, huh?

Me or gianni?
- Whoa!

- Hey, I'm not necessarily
out of this.

- If raymond goes,
I'm the brother.

I get her.
It's in the bible.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Okay.

- All right,
all right, look,

Would everybody
just leave raymond alone?

He's obviously sensitive,

And at the end of the day,

That's what
the ladies like.

- Andy,
at the end of the day,

You have
to blow up your lady.

- I do fine
with the women.

They find me
cuddly and cute,

And when they poke me
in the belly,

I go--
[giggles]

[giggles]

What did you think?
I wasn't going to back it up?

Don't listen to them,
raymond.

You are not useless.

Guys like us
don't have to get caught up

In these stereotypical
gender roles

Where the man has
to take care of the woman.

- Yeah, okay.

Thank you, andy,

But you're really not
helping me

With the me-to-you
comparison, okay?

I don't want to be
taken care of.

- [laughs]

- What are you laughing at?

- I'm just noting the irony
in your statement,

In the light of the fact

That you live across the street
from your mother.

- What are you
talking about?

You lived there
for 35 years.

- Lived, lived--
past tense.

I'm now
miles away from them...

1.38 miles.

- Yeah, yeah,
you're the person

I should be
taking advice from, robert.

- Look, we're just trying
to help you out here, raymond,

But you got to bring
something to the table.

Now, andy,
he's cute and squishable,

Gianni is hairy and scary,

And I happen to be
the perfect amalgam.

You heard me, amalgam.

You, you're
neither here nor there.

- Yeah, okay, look,

I don't have
to defend myself to you idiots.

I'm not the perfect man,
but I-I'm pretty sure

I'm the only one sitting here
who has a woman.

- For now.

- Oh, yeah.

Ha ha.
Very funny, cousin it.

Debra happens
to like the fact

That I have
just the right amount of hair

In just the right amount
of places.

- Oh, I'm sure that was
a comforting last thought

Before she blacked out.

[imitating debra choking]
raymond's body's so smooth,

Like a hairless...Cat.

- Yeah, bye.
Bye-bye.

- Hey, come on,
where you going?

The pizza's coming.

- Yeah, I'm going home
to my wife, okay?

My wife, all right?

And everything is fine
in my house.

I happen to be
all the man she needs.

Anytime, anywhere.

- Hey, there, slim-fast.

Oh, give me those bags.
Here.

- It's okay. I got them.
- No, let me take them.

- I got it.
- I want them. No.

Where do they go?

- Right here.
- Oh.

All right.
Anything else?

- No. What are you doing?

- Oh, just taking care
of a few things.

You know, I checked
the smoke detectors.

I changed a light bulb,

Squashed a bug,
uh, yeah...

Made a crackling noise.
Didn't bother me, yeah.

What else?
Any bags left in the car?

- Uh-uh.
- Hey, how's the car driving?

You want me
to pop the hood

And check
under the, uh, thing?

- No, the car is--
it's really fine.

Where's the ketchup?

Oh, come on.
I know I bought ketchup.

I bet they didn't put it
in the bag.

- Those sons of bitches.
I'm going to go down there.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait. Found it.

- You got it?
All right.

'cause I'd go down there.

I'd come back
with two ketchups.

- You okay?

- Yeah, everything's cool.

You know, just taking care
of things.

- All right.
- What are you doing?

- Just going to put
the stool back.

- No, no, no, I'll take it.
- I got it, honey.

- No, no, you don't
have to carry it.

- Ow!
- What?

- Splinter.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

[chair crashes]

Splinter?
No, I can do that.

I can do that.
- What's the matter with you?

- You got a splinter.
I'm on it.

- Yeah, that's okay.
I can get it out.

- No, look, don't worry.
Uh, everything's under control.

I'm here, okay? Tweezers,
where are the tweezers?

- They're in the drawer
over there.

What are you doing?
- Just calm down.

Where are the tweezers?

- They're right there,
right there.

- Okay, I got them.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow!
You're hurting me.

- No, don't worry.
I can do this.

- Listen, I can get it out.

- Will you let me do it, please?
- I got it, honey.

- No, I happen
to be good at this.

Please, will you stop it?
Now, stop it!

Sit down!
- You are freaking me out.

- The chips are down here!

Come on!

- Get away from me!
What are you doing?

- Chips are down!

- Get away from me!

Ray!
Ray, look.

Honey, honey.

What, do you want
to prove that you're a man

By taking
my splinter out?

- Just admit it,
that you need me.

Now, give me the splinter!

- Ow!
Ray, get off of me!

What are you doing?
You're totally insane!

- [grunting]

Give me the splinter!

Stop it!
- I'll get the tweezers.

- Please!

- Ray! [screams]
- I'm trying to help you!

- I--stop it!
- Just stop it.

- You stop it.
- No, you stop it!

- Please, ray.
Honey, come on!

- Come on,
just give me the tweezers.

Stop it. Stop it.

- Honey,
it's the wrong hand!

- Well, stop struggling!

You got me
all turned around here!

Just relax.

- Your knee is in my rib.

- That's okay.

- Just stop it
for a minute.

Just a minute.
Just one minute.

- What?

- Look, I know
what you're trying to do,

But you don't have
to do it.

I mean, I think
I overreacted yesterday,

And I'm sorry
if I did, honey.

- No.
No, you didn't.

I should have
done something.

I screwed up.

- No, you didn't.

No, honey, I think
you're a wonderful husband.

- No, you don't.

- Oh, yes, I do.

[pats him]
you're a good man.

Hmm?

Come here.

Can I get up now?

- I got to get
that splinter.

- Oh, honey, please.
- I'm going to get it.

- Sweetie, no, no, no, no.

- I'm getting it.
I'm getting it.

- Don't do it.
It's hurting me!

- Got it! Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, you picked
the wrong guy's wife

To go into, splinter.

Whoo-hoo!

And stay out!

Look at the size of that!

- Thanks, ray.

- You see? Goes one way,
and it juts another way.

That's why it was hard
to rip out of you.

- Yeah.
Okay.

- All right.
Where are you going?

- Got to go get a band-aid now
'cause it's bleeding.

- Oh, there is blood.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. You all right?
- Yeah?

Yeah.
- You want me to help you?

- No, no.
- All right.

Fine.
That's okay.

- All right.

I'm right here
if you need me.

I don't like blood.

And then
the beautiful princess said,

"oh, brave
and handsome knight,

"thank you for taking
that painful wooden spike

"out of my hand.

"I will marry you.

I'm lucky to marry you."

And the townspeople rejoiced,

Except for the giant,

Evil, cowardly brother,

Who was banished
from the kingdom forever

And had to live
1.38 miles away.

- Yay, yay, yay.
- Yay.

- [sarcastic]
my hero.