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Taken and improved from the DVD subtitles
2019.12.21 - FUNKSW
1
00:00:40,372 --> 00:00:42,181
Fuck, yeah!
2
00:00:44,843 --> 00:00:48,256
This is such a big night for you.
3
00:00:50,649 --> 00:00:51,855
but I'm celebrating.
4
00:00:51,884 --> 00:00:55,195
I finally just slept
with my high-school crush.
5
00:00:55,220 --> 00:00:56,255
Right?
6
00:00:56,288 --> 00:00:57,392
Thank you.
7
00:00:57,423 --> 00:00:59,596
Thank you, but I swear, now he, like,
8
00:00:59,625 --> 00:01:02,765
expects me to go to his graduation.
9
00:01:05,531 --> 00:01:08,102
Like I know where I'm gonna
be in three years, right?
10
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,443
I'm like, "Whoa!"
11
00:01:10,469 --> 00:01:12,676
Slow it down.
12
00:01:12,704 --> 00:01:14,445
Fucking kids, right?
13
00:01:14,473 --> 00:01:19,149
Fucking small kids.
14
00:01:19,178 --> 00:01:20,714
You look, like, upset.
Like, I don't fuck kids.
15
00:01:20,746 --> 00:01:21,781
That's a joke.
16
00:01:21,814 --> 00:01:24,351
Like, I would never...
17
00:01:24,383 --> 00:01:25,953
I shouldn't say never.
18
00:01:25,984 --> 00:01:28,794
That's like... you don't know...
19
00:01:28,821 --> 00:01:30,732
I feel like I just painted
myself in a corner there.
20
00:01:30,756 --> 00:01:33,669
But... that's not a good way to start.
21
00:01:33,692 --> 00:01:35,069
This is a beautiful theater.
22
00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:36,198
I should be really grateful.
23
00:01:36,228 --> 00:01:38,208
I worked at a fish restaurant last week.
24
00:01:38,230 --> 00:01:40,039
Like, I did stand-up
at a fish restaurant,
25
00:01:40,065 --> 00:01:41,669
just so you guys know.
26
00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:42,701
That's not a joke.
27
00:01:42,734 --> 00:01:43,906
People were, like, eating mussels,
28
00:01:43,936 --> 00:01:45,381
and they were just like, "Check".
29
00:01:45,404 --> 00:01:48,180
And I was like, "Can you just
let me try and pursue my dream?"
30
00:01:49,241 --> 00:01:51,778
And this place is so beautiful.
31
00:01:51,810 --> 00:01:52,982
I should have started off
32
00:01:53,011 --> 00:01:54,217
with something other than kid fucking.
33
00:01:54,246 --> 00:01:56,954
You guys are right.
34
00:01:56,982 --> 00:01:59,155
Start over. Class it up.
35
00:01:59,184 --> 00:02:01,824
My mom's a cunt. Hear me out.
36
00:02:03,956 --> 00:02:05,663
Go with me on this, you guys.
37
00:02:05,691 --> 00:02:10,037
I know, like, not everyone's
comfortable with that word.
38
00:02:10,062 --> 00:02:11,803
Half of you were like, "Ugh," right?
39
00:02:11,830 --> 00:02:13,070
"No, don't say that".
40
00:02:13,098 --> 00:02:14,600
And the other half of you
were like, "Oh, my God.
41
00:02:14,633 --> 00:02:17,079
What a coincidence".
42
00:02:20,172 --> 00:02:23,551
"That cunt should meet my cunt mom".
43
00:02:25,344 --> 00:02:27,415
I just... I brought her to a soccer game
44
00:02:27,446 --> 00:02:29,892
'cause I wanted her to see
what boundaries looked like,
45
00:02:29,915 --> 00:02:32,327
you know?
46
00:02:32,351 --> 00:02:35,457
I was like, "Look,
stop wearing my clothes".
47
00:02:35,487 --> 00:02:36,761
Ugh.
48
00:02:36,788 --> 00:02:39,325
She's always bragging
about the dumbest stuff.
49
00:02:39,358 --> 00:02:40,598
The other day she was telling
me, she was like,
50
00:02:40,626 --> 00:02:43,266
"You know, I can still fit
in my wedding dress,"
51
00:02:43,295 --> 00:02:47,437
I was like, "Oh, my God.
Who cares?" Right?
52
00:02:48,367 --> 00:02:50,472
I mean, it is weird
that she's the same size now
53
00:02:50,502 --> 00:02:53,244
as she was when she
was eight months pregnant,
54
00:02:53,272 --> 00:02:55,343
but I just...
55
00:03:00,746 --> 00:03:02,817
I don't think bragging's cool.
56
00:03:02,848 --> 00:03:03,883
Are you okay?
57
00:03:03,916 --> 00:03:05,486
You're, like, choking. No?
58
00:03:05,517 --> 00:03:07,622
Are you allergic to talent?
59
00:03:09,688 --> 00:03:12,225
Hi. Hi.
60
00:03:12,257 --> 00:03:13,930
I'm just kidding. Are you okay, really?
61
00:03:13,959 --> 00:03:15,996
You need anything? Okay.
62
00:03:16,028 --> 00:03:18,167
Oh, God.
63
00:03:20,065 --> 00:03:21,874
I don't need
another death under my belt.
64
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:24,437
Speaking of me taking
Plan "B" last week,
65
00:03:24,469 --> 00:03:26,813
I...
66
00:03:26,838 --> 00:03:27,839
I did.
67
00:03:27,873 --> 00:03:29,318
You know... you know what it is?
68
00:03:29,341 --> 00:03:32,185
There are some people here...
it's the morning-after pill.
69
00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:34,623
I take it the night before
'cause I'm smart.
70
00:03:34,646 --> 00:03:36,648
But...
71
00:03:36,682 --> 00:03:39,561
some people like to...
I'm with you good people.
72
00:03:39,585 --> 00:03:41,826
I believe birth begins at conception.
73
00:03:41,853 --> 00:03:43,662
So I just, like, beat that shit.
74
00:03:49,561 --> 00:03:50,665
Plan Bizzle.
75
00:03:50,696 --> 00:03:53,540
Who's taken it? Who's taken it?
76
00:03:53,565 --> 00:03:54,703
Thank you.
77
00:03:54,733 --> 00:03:56,235
Oh, sorry, a room of heroes.
78
00:03:56,268 --> 00:03:57,474
Everyone's like,
79
00:03:57,502 --> 00:03:59,641
"Eh"
80
00:03:59,671 --> 00:04:02,083
This place is old. There's probably...
81
00:04:02,107 --> 00:04:03,347
you're probably being inseminated
82
00:04:03,375 --> 00:04:06,322
by the seats right now, let's be real.
83
00:04:06,345 --> 00:04:08,825
I did, I took it.
84
00:04:08,847 --> 00:04:09,951
It's over the...
85
00:04:09,982 --> 00:04:12,428
I went to my normal pharmacy. I walk in.
86
00:04:12,451 --> 00:04:14,294
The pharmacist is like, "Hey, Ame".
87
00:04:14,319 --> 00:04:17,129
I'm like, "Please
don't call me a nickname".
88
00:04:17,155 --> 00:04:18,930
He's like, "What do you want, Ambien?"
89
00:04:18,957 --> 00:04:20,766
I'm like, "No, I'm not addicted to that.
90
00:04:20,792 --> 00:04:24,103
"You guys know that.
91
00:04:24,129 --> 00:04:25,972
I only take that when I'm drinking".
92
00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:29,574
They're like, "What do you want?"
93
00:04:29,601 --> 00:04:31,376
I was like, "Plan and they were like...
94
00:04:31,403 --> 00:04:32,404
they didn't even hide it.
95
00:04:32,437 --> 00:04:34,747
They were like, "Ew, you whore".
96
00:04:34,773 --> 00:04:36,309
I was like,
97
00:04:36,341 --> 00:04:40,721
"You can't... you can't say that".
98
00:04:40,746 --> 00:04:42,521
They're like,
"You're gonna feel nauseous".
99
00:04:42,547 --> 00:04:43,582
I was like, "Ugh".
100
00:04:43,615 --> 00:04:47,256
I took it, I felt fine.
101
00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:50,324
I went to yoga.
102
00:04:50,355 --> 00:04:51,993
I'm like, "Can these people tell
103
00:04:52,024 --> 00:04:53,867
"I'm, like, mid-aborsh right now?
104
00:04:53,892 --> 00:04:54,996
This is..."
105
00:05:00,999 --> 00:05:03,878
This is not good. It was easy.
106
00:05:03,902 --> 00:05:08,976
They should call it Plan
That's how I used it.
107
00:05:09,007 --> 00:05:11,783
It's a great plan.
Let's start with this one.
108
00:05:11,810 --> 00:05:14,848
I... I don't...
109
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:15,915
I don't think that's, like,
110
00:05:15,947 --> 00:05:17,984
adorable that I just took Plan
111
00:05:18,016 --> 00:05:20,428
I'm 31. Like, that's not cute at all.
112
00:05:20,452 --> 00:05:23,661
That's cute when you're, like...
you're, like, 21, right?
113
00:05:23,689 --> 00:05:25,327
You go, you sit on your mom's bed,
114
00:05:25,357 --> 00:05:26,597
you cry, you're like,
115
00:05:26,625 --> 00:05:29,629
"Oh, the condom broke".
116
00:05:29,661 --> 00:05:32,141
I'm like, "The what broke?"
117
00:05:34,466 --> 00:05:38,278
"What now? What's this you speak of?"
118
00:05:38,303 --> 00:05:41,443
I do, I still think I'm
20. It's so gross.
119
00:05:41,473 --> 00:05:43,510
Like, every bar I go to, I show my I.D.
120
00:05:43,542 --> 00:05:46,614
They're like, "No, that's okay".
121
00:05:46,645 --> 00:05:50,525
Like, "Wow, they're really relaxed here.
122
00:05:50,549 --> 00:05:52,722
"I hope they don't get raided.
123
00:05:52,751 --> 00:05:55,459
This place, I don't know".
124
00:05:55,487 --> 00:05:56,761
But the girls I grew up with,
125
00:05:56,788 --> 00:05:58,665
they're living normal
adult lives, you know?
126
00:05:58,690 --> 00:06:01,227
So they call me now, and they're
like, "Ame, I'm pregnant".
127
00:06:01,259 --> 00:06:03,899
And I still react like,
"What are you gonna do?"
128
00:06:06,231 --> 00:06:08,643
"No..."
129
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:12,046
I'm like, "I'll drive you, I guess".
130
00:06:14,072 --> 00:06:15,779
They're like, "No, you're gross,"
131
00:06:15,807 --> 00:06:19,755
I'm like, "Oh, we keep them now".
132
00:06:19,778 --> 00:06:21,883
Keep them.
133
00:06:23,882 --> 00:06:25,122
That's my favorite reality show.
134
00:06:25,150 --> 00:06:26,458
You know the show Teen Mom?
135
00:06:26,485 --> 00:06:28,556
Or if you're from the South, Mom.
136
00:06:31,990 --> 00:06:34,334
They don't wait, right?
137
00:06:34,359 --> 00:06:35,895
This is poor planning on my part.
138
00:06:35,927 --> 00:06:37,338
I'm kind of dizzy.
139
00:06:37,362 --> 00:06:38,898
I donated blood today.
140
00:06:38,930 --> 00:06:43,606
That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
141
00:06:43,635 --> 00:06:44,841
I know, that j...
142
00:06:44,870 --> 00:06:47,783
people, like, hate
that joke if they have AIDS.
143
00:06:51,109 --> 00:06:54,886
So if you didn't laugh, get tested.
144
00:06:54,913 --> 00:06:57,621
Check it out.
145
00:06:57,649 --> 00:06:58,855
Check it out.
146
00:06:58,884 --> 00:07:01,330
You have it. You have it.
147
00:07:02,888 --> 00:07:05,027
I'm a healer.
148
00:07:07,492 --> 00:07:09,335
I went through a breakup this year.
149
00:07:09,361 --> 00:07:10,431
I was dating this guy.
150
00:07:10,462 --> 00:07:12,908
I walked in on him masturbating.
151
00:07:12,931 --> 00:07:14,774
Yeah, he's like, "Are you mad?"
152
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,746
I'm like, "No, but you seem to be.
153
00:07:16,768 --> 00:07:19,009
Holy shit".
154
00:07:23,175 --> 00:07:24,813
I'm like, "Does it owe you money?
155
00:07:24,843 --> 00:07:27,483
"Why are you..."
156
00:07:29,881 --> 00:07:31,656
"Is that waterboarding?
157
00:07:31,683 --> 00:07:34,061
I don't feel safe".
158
00:07:35,554 --> 00:07:38,364
Me and this guy, we were so different.
159
00:07:38,390 --> 00:07:40,529
I knew we were... like, he
was, like, really into family.
160
00:07:40,559 --> 00:07:44,598
You know, and I mentioned my mom.
161
00:07:44,629 --> 00:07:46,939
Like, he'd never come on
the road with me on the weekends
162
00:07:46,965 --> 00:07:49,571
'cause he wanted to spend
time with his wife.
163
00:07:49,601 --> 00:07:51,376
And I just...
164
00:07:51,403 --> 00:07:53,576
I'm better.
165
00:07:54,706 --> 00:07:55,946
No, the truth is
166
00:07:55,974 --> 00:07:57,009
I thought he was gonna break up with me
167
00:07:57,042 --> 00:07:58,851
the whole time for the lamest reason...
168
00:07:58,877 --> 00:08:01,289
because I wouldn't swallow.
169
00:08:01,313 --> 00:08:04,522
But I have a nut allergy.
Like, what did he expect?
170
00:08:12,123 --> 00:08:15,400
I'm gonna risk my life...
171
00:08:15,427 --> 00:08:17,100
for his empty calories?
172
00:08:17,128 --> 00:08:18,232
No!
173
00:08:21,066 --> 00:08:23,171
Stop telling us it's good for our skin.
174
00:08:23,201 --> 00:08:25,647
Fuck you guys.
175
00:08:30,041 --> 00:08:32,885
One girl was like, "Oh, okay".
176
00:08:37,382 --> 00:08:38,986
Guys are so gross, right?
177
00:08:39,017 --> 00:08:40,189
Guys are gross.
178
00:08:40,218 --> 00:08:42,391
You're gross, okay?
179
00:08:42,420 --> 00:08:43,558
They're so gross.
180
00:08:43,588 --> 00:08:45,363
I had sex with a guy recently,
181
00:08:45,390 --> 00:08:48,860
more semen than you've
ever seen in your life.
182
00:08:48,894 --> 00:08:51,465
I was like, "Did you
just get out of jail?
183
00:08:51,496 --> 00:08:56,275
What's... what is the meaning of this?"
184
00:08:56,301 --> 00:08:57,371
"It's a compliment".
185
00:08:57,402 --> 00:09:01,111
"No, no".
186
00:09:01,139 --> 00:09:03,380
But that's what guys want
'cause they're so gross.
187
00:09:03,408 --> 00:09:05,149
If it were up to them,
we'd all look like Carrie
188
00:09:05,176 --> 00:09:07,019
in the prom scene at the end, just,
189
00:09:07,045 --> 00:09:09,252
"Ugh"
190
00:09:12,384 --> 00:09:14,330
No girl wants that. We don't want that.
191
00:09:14,352 --> 00:09:15,831
We're lazier than you.
192
00:09:15,854 --> 00:09:17,026
If it were up to me,
193
00:09:17,055 --> 00:09:18,295
the cleanup would be me taking a Q-tip
194
00:09:18,323 --> 00:09:19,825
going, boop, asleep.
195
00:09:19,858 --> 00:09:21,496
That's it.
196
00:09:21,526 --> 00:09:25,235
Instead I was like, "I've been slimed".
197
00:09:28,133 --> 00:09:31,774
"I feel like a contestant
on Double Dare right now".
198
00:09:38,443 --> 00:09:42,619
"Let me just get this
self-worth off me real quick".
199
00:09:44,482 --> 00:09:46,052
That's why I don't like porn.
200
00:09:46,084 --> 00:09:47,154
Well, I like to watch porn.
201
00:09:47,185 --> 00:09:48,823
Like, what girls in here like porn?
202
00:09:49,888 --> 00:09:51,162
Thank you. I love it.
203
00:09:51,189 --> 00:09:52,930
All the... all the whores
are in the front.
204
00:09:52,958 --> 00:09:54,938
This is the best.
205
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,633
Girls in the back are, like,
206
00:09:56,661 --> 00:09:59,608
reading books.
207
00:09:59,631 --> 00:10:03,135
They're like, "50 shades of what?"
208
00:10:03,168 --> 00:10:04,943
That reference will not be funny
209
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:06,381
by the time this show comes out.
210
00:10:06,404 --> 00:10:08,611
People will be like, "What a hack.
211
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,641
Oh, God".
212
00:10:09,674 --> 00:10:11,950
More references about right now,
213
00:10:11,977 --> 00:10:14,389
how about Sandusky... no.
214
00:10:15,847 --> 00:10:18,760
Wasting everyone's time
in the editing room.
215
00:10:20,852 --> 00:10:22,627
So, yeah, I like porn.
216
00:10:22,654 --> 00:10:24,827
I like that casting director
one, that's funny.
217
00:10:24,856 --> 00:10:28,269
He never finds the right girl.
218
00:10:28,293 --> 00:10:30,364
What do these girls have to do?
219
00:10:30,395 --> 00:10:32,238
I don't like to watch the end of porn.
220
00:10:32,263 --> 00:10:34,140
I don't like to
watch the end of any porn,
221
00:10:34,165 --> 00:10:36,702
'cause guess what happens
at the end of the rainbow
222
00:10:36,735 --> 00:10:38,339
every time.
223
00:10:38,370 --> 00:10:40,646
Spoiler alert, he cums on her face.
224
00:10:40,672 --> 00:10:41,742
Oh!
225
00:10:41,773 --> 00:10:46,654
What an amazing
choose-your-own adventure
226
00:10:46,678 --> 00:10:49,488
that always ends exactly the same.
227
00:10:49,514 --> 00:10:51,926
There's never a twist, right?
228
00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,361
He's never like... the guy
is having sex with her,
229
00:10:53,385 --> 00:10:55,058
and he looks off camera
in her backpack, he's like,
230
00:10:55,086 --> 00:10:58,966
"Oh, are you reading that
Nicholas Sparks book too?"
231
00:11:00,659 --> 00:11:03,663
"Oh, my God. What are the chances?
232
00:11:03,695 --> 00:11:05,572
Let's start a bed
and breakfast together".
233
00:11:05,597 --> 00:11:06,598
No.
234
00:11:07,666 --> 00:11:10,237
He just cums on her head.
235
00:11:11,803 --> 00:11:14,113
We don't wanna see that. I don't want...
236
00:11:14,139 --> 00:11:15,550
'cause we think about that girl.
237
00:11:15,573 --> 00:11:17,018
Like, that poor girl,
238
00:11:17,042 --> 00:11:19,750
and we know, as soon as
the director yells "cut,"
239
00:11:19,778 --> 00:11:21,849
that she's just
stumbling around like Helen Keller
240
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,656
looking for a towel, just where...
241
00:11:27,652 --> 00:11:28,756
"Did you guys go to lunch?
242
00:11:28,787 --> 00:11:33,099
"This isn't cool.
243
00:11:33,124 --> 00:11:36,401
You promise this is good for my skin?"
244
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,674
That's so funny.
245
00:11:43,702 --> 00:11:45,181
Am I the only person who ever
walked in the audience
246
00:11:45,203 --> 00:11:46,876
during their special?
247
00:11:46,905 --> 00:11:48,885
Three little Asian chicks
were just like...
248
00:11:54,879 --> 00:11:56,358
And that's not racist, that's just...
249
00:11:56,381 --> 00:11:58,827
I'm just saying that that's
how all Asian people walk.
250
00:11:58,850 --> 00:12:00,295
Just very creepy.
251
00:12:00,318 --> 00:12:03,356
I know I'm in San Fran.
I should watch my back.
252
00:12:03,388 --> 00:12:05,299
But...
253
00:12:05,323 --> 00:12:08,896
I think I could take those girls.
254
00:12:08,927 --> 00:12:10,406
That was funny. I was watching them.
255
00:12:10,428 --> 00:12:12,533
Like, every time I referenced
semen, they were just like,
256
00:12:12,564 --> 00:12:15,044
"Oh, no".
257
00:12:15,066 --> 00:12:17,444
Yes.
258
00:12:20,939 --> 00:12:23,215
It's not for shock value.
This happens, right?
259
00:12:23,241 --> 00:12:24,720
Come on, you guys,
260
00:12:24,743 --> 00:12:27,019
we've all taken a load
somewhere we're not proud of.
261
00:12:27,045 --> 00:12:28,251
So...
262
00:12:31,483 --> 00:12:33,485
Like, my mom's here.
263
00:12:37,856 --> 00:12:39,597
So the guy I was dating,
he was, like, so lazy.
264
00:12:39,624 --> 00:12:42,571
He was one of those dudes,
like, he wouldn't go down on me.
265
00:12:42,594 --> 00:12:45,939
I had to become a climber
every time, you know?
266
00:12:45,964 --> 00:12:48,171
Head up there, just holding
on to the headboard
267
00:12:48,199 --> 00:12:51,772
like a nosy neighbor
peeking over the fence.
268
00:12:51,803 --> 00:12:53,714
I feel like Wilson
from Home Improvement.
269
00:12:53,738 --> 00:12:58,278
I'm like, "Hey, Tool Man, what's..."
270
00:12:59,577 --> 00:13:01,250
That was embarrassing up there.
271
00:13:01,279 --> 00:13:02,952
That's the worst dismount in the biz.
272
00:13:02,981 --> 00:13:06,451
I don't care how you slice it.
273
00:13:06,484 --> 00:13:07,963
So I'm, like, single now. I'm dating.
274
00:13:07,986 --> 00:13:09,431
I suck at dating.
275
00:13:09,454 --> 00:13:10,797
I go outwith these guys.
276
00:13:10,822 --> 00:13:12,802
This guy wanted to go dancing
the other night.
277
00:13:12,824 --> 00:13:14,929
Like, have you ever had a guy
who's trying to date you
278
00:13:14,959 --> 00:13:16,063
be like, "Let's dance"?
279
00:13:16,094 --> 00:13:17,334
It's like, "I don't know".
280
00:13:17,362 --> 00:13:18,773
I'm like, "It's..."
281
00:13:18,797 --> 00:13:21,539
I'm like, "Look, I think you
wanna go to the parade".
282
00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:26,781
And it's also 'cause
I'm the worst dancer.
283
00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:29,547
I dance like your...
like your aunt at a wedding.
284
00:13:29,574 --> 00:13:31,520
Like, every move I do,
I'm surprising myself.
285
00:13:31,543 --> 00:13:32,544
I'm just like,
286
00:13:32,577 --> 00:13:35,751
"Oh, wh... what?
287
00:13:35,780 --> 00:13:37,418
"Whoa, whoa.
288
00:13:37,448 --> 00:13:40,088
Nobody saw it going this way".
289
00:13:41,686 --> 00:13:43,427
Everybody saw it going that way.
290
00:13:45,023 --> 00:13:47,128
It's so awful. So I'm, like, dating now.
291
00:13:47,158 --> 00:13:48,159
I'm, like, going on dates.
292
00:13:48,193 --> 00:13:50,298
Whenever I start seeing someone,
293
00:13:50,328 --> 00:13:52,171
I'm, like, this alternate
version of myself.
294
00:13:52,197 --> 00:13:53,733
It's just like... I'm just, like,
295
00:13:53,765 --> 00:13:56,245
you know, trying to be
super-cool new girl.
296
00:13:56,267 --> 00:13:57,575
I'm like, "Let me just sweep
this crazy under the rug
297
00:13:57,602 --> 00:13:59,013
"for a couple months.
298
00:13:59,037 --> 00:14:01,210
"You don't need to...
you don't need to see this
299
00:14:01,239 --> 00:14:04,083
till month three".
300
00:14:04,108 --> 00:14:06,088
I went on a date with a guy recently,
301
00:14:06,110 --> 00:14:07,646
and he was, like, really hot.
302
00:14:07,679 --> 00:14:10,683
So I was pretending to be
a good person, you know?
303
00:14:10,715 --> 00:14:11,853
I was saying things like,
304
00:14:11,883 --> 00:14:14,159
"I love kids, and I'm not racist".
305
00:14:15,653 --> 00:14:17,633
Just vague lies.
306
00:14:19,057 --> 00:14:21,037
And you have to, like, pretend
like you wanna use a condom.
307
00:14:21,059 --> 00:14:23,972
I like to say something fun
when I bring it up, but honest.
308
00:14:23,995 --> 00:14:25,599
I'll be like, "You're
gonna wanna wear this.
309
00:14:25,630 --> 00:14:27,303
I've had a busy month".
310
00:14:34,739 --> 00:14:36,548
"It's like a Petri dish right now.
311
00:14:36,574 --> 00:14:37,985
I don't know what's happening".
312
00:14:40,311 --> 00:14:42,484
People are so upset
about my vagina right now.
313
00:14:42,513 --> 00:14:43,514
They're like, "No!"
314
00:14:43,548 --> 00:14:45,118
Here... but this guy, we went out,
315
00:14:45,149 --> 00:14:46,253
and he was like...
316
00:14:46,284 --> 00:14:47,456
you can tell when a guy dates a lot.
317
00:14:47,485 --> 00:14:49,260
He had, like, date questions.
318
00:14:49,287 --> 00:14:51,233
He was like, "if you could
have lunch with anybody,
319
00:14:51,256 --> 00:14:53,463
living or dead, who would it be?"
320
00:14:53,491 --> 00:14:54,492
I thought about it.
321
00:14:54,525 --> 00:14:55,663
I answered honestly, I was like,
322
00:14:55,693 --> 00:14:57,434
"Mark Twain. I think he was hilarious".
323
00:14:57,462 --> 00:15:02,207
And he goes, "Pfft, Amy,
it's got to be somebody real".
324
00:15:05,136 --> 00:15:07,275
I was like, "Oh, you're legit retarded.
325
00:15:07,305 --> 00:15:09,114
That's so cute".
326
00:15:10,408 --> 00:15:14,515
"I'm gonna sleep
with a retarded person".
327
00:15:14,545 --> 00:15:16,547
I did.
328
00:15:19,217 --> 00:15:22,289
So I've been on the road a lot lately,
329
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:23,993
and every town I go to,
you have to do, like,
330
00:15:24,022 --> 00:15:25,592
local press, you know?
331
00:15:25,623 --> 00:15:27,603
The, like, Greenville Who Gives A Shit.
332
00:15:27,625 --> 00:15:29,332
Like, everybody has a paper.
333
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:32,500
And they all ask the same
questions every week.
334
00:15:32,530 --> 00:15:33,668
They ask me the same, exact question.
335
00:15:33,698 --> 00:15:35,109
They're just like,
336
00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:38,512
"What's the hardest part
about being a female comedian?
337
00:15:38,536 --> 00:15:40,914
What is it? What's the hardest part?"
338
00:15:40,939 --> 00:15:42,418
And, like, what would you guess?
339
00:15:43,608 --> 00:15:45,349
Well, it's the rape.
340
00:15:55,086 --> 00:15:57,862
The three Asian chicks
just walked back in here,
341
00:15:57,889 --> 00:16:00,733
and I said that, and they went...
342
00:16:03,895 --> 00:16:06,501
No, but it is. It's all the rapings.
343
00:16:06,531 --> 00:16:08,010
No... but they ask...
they're just like...
344
00:16:08,032 --> 00:16:09,136
and I guess it's a normal question,
345
00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:10,475
"Is it harder for female comics?
346
00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:11,673
Is it harder?"
347
00:16:11,703 --> 00:16:12,704
And it's not.
348
00:16:12,737 --> 00:16:14,216
Like, they think we just get up here
349
00:16:14,238 --> 00:16:15,649
and just bleed all over the stage.
350
00:16:15,673 --> 00:16:17,675
I'm just, "Oh, my ovaries.
351
00:16:17,709 --> 00:16:20,588
How do I keep them in my body?"
352
00:16:21,679 --> 00:16:23,352
Like, it's totally not harder.
353
00:16:23,381 --> 00:16:26,521
It's harder to be a chick
in general, for sure.
354
00:16:26,551 --> 00:16:28,827
That sucks. That's not fun.
355
00:16:28,853 --> 00:16:30,628
Right? Right girls?
356
00:16:30,655 --> 00:16:32,100
No, it is. It sucks.
357
00:16:32,123 --> 00:16:33,466
Just in terms of laziness.
358
00:16:33,491 --> 00:16:35,528
Like, look at the guys
you're here with tonight, okay?
359
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,301
Some of them bangable, not all of them.
360
00:16:37,328 --> 00:16:38,864
Let's be real.
361
00:16:38,896 --> 00:16:42,400
Let's keep it honest, okay?
362
00:16:42,433 --> 00:16:45,505
But, like, what did you do
to get ready, you know?
363
00:16:45,536 --> 00:16:47,516
Like, how long did it
take you to get ready?
364
00:16:47,538 --> 00:16:50,781
You didn't get ready is the answer.
365
00:16:50,808 --> 00:16:53,584
Guys don't do shit.
366
00:16:53,611 --> 00:16:54,885
They put a shirt on,
367
00:16:54,912 --> 00:16:57,324
give themselves one of these
in the mirror, they're out.
368
00:16:59,384 --> 00:17:01,057
They're like, "I did it, bro.
369
00:17:01,085 --> 00:17:03,122
I fucking did it".
370
00:17:03,154 --> 00:17:05,532
"What did you do?"
371
00:17:07,325 --> 00:17:08,963
Some guys take a little more time.
372
00:17:08,993 --> 00:17:10,802
I dated a guy from Philly for a while.
373
00:17:10,828 --> 00:17:12,171
Is anybody here from Philadelphia?
374
00:17:12,196 --> 00:17:13,197
Yeah?
375
00:17:13,231 --> 00:17:15,268
Okay, some sassy babes.
376
00:17:15,299 --> 00:17:16,334
No dudes, though.
377
00:17:16,367 --> 00:17:17,641
But tell me if I'm right about this.
378
00:17:17,668 --> 00:17:20,672
Well, just agree, 'cause
this is for my TV special.
379
00:17:23,608 --> 00:17:24,951
Like, those dudes will beat you to death
380
00:17:24,976 --> 00:17:27,286
with a sack of batteries,
381
00:17:27,311 --> 00:17:29,348
but they get their eyebrows waxed.
382
00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:31,553
You know the kind of guy
I'm talking about?
383
00:17:31,582 --> 00:17:34,859
I was at a Met game... thank you.
384
00:17:34,886 --> 00:17:37,992
And... it was Mets, Phillies,
385
00:17:38,022 --> 00:17:40,024
and I'm sitting behind third base.
386
00:17:40,058 --> 00:17:43,301
And these huge Philly meatheads
are heckling David Wright.
387
00:17:43,327 --> 00:17:45,238
They're like, "You suck,
Wright. You're the worst.
388
00:17:45,263 --> 00:17:46,435
We hate you".
389
00:17:46,464 --> 00:17:49,877
And so I said,
"You're very attractive!"
390
00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:53,542
And the biggest one
of them goes, "True".
391
00:18:00,478 --> 00:18:02,424
But most guys don't do shit.
392
00:18:02,447 --> 00:18:04,154
Like, look at the shirts
you guys are wearing.
393
00:18:04,182 --> 00:18:05,593
Every one of you that I can see,
394
00:18:05,616 --> 00:18:06,993
you could have worn that
when you were a toddler
395
00:18:07,018 --> 00:18:08,019
on picture day.
396
00:18:08,052 --> 00:18:10,123
Every one. No difference.
397
00:18:10,154 --> 00:18:12,395
Check it out.
398
00:18:12,423 --> 00:18:14,425
But look at the
beautiful girls you're with.
399
00:18:14,459 --> 00:18:16,268
Look at... it's so much work for us.
400
00:18:16,294 --> 00:18:19,207
It takes me 90 minutes
to look this mediocre.
401
00:18:19,230 --> 00:18:22,404
90 minutes.
402
00:18:22,433 --> 00:18:24,777
Tonight it took eight hours, okay?
403
00:18:24,802 --> 00:18:26,611
I slept sitting up. I slept like this.
404
00:18:26,637 --> 00:18:28,275
It's so much work.
405
00:18:28,306 --> 00:18:30,183
Oh, we're like clowns.
406
00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:32,347
We are circus freaks, women, we are.
407
00:18:32,376 --> 00:18:36,347
We... we put paint on
our faces like warriors.
408
00:18:36,380 --> 00:18:37,984
We're... I'm wearing stilts.
409
00:18:38,015 --> 00:18:40,017
We wear stilts. We wear heels all night.
410
00:18:40,051 --> 00:18:42,031
And we put a string
in our buttholes, just...
411
00:18:44,889 --> 00:18:46,732
"Ah...
412
00:18:46,757 --> 00:18:49,431
am I pretty?"
413
00:18:49,460 --> 00:18:51,371
We wear jewelry, shiny shit...
414
00:18:51,395 --> 00:18:52,999
"Look over here.
Follow me to the altar".
415
00:18:58,302 --> 00:18:59,713
Ugh.
416
00:18:59,737 --> 00:19:02,980
It sucks. It sucks.
417
00:19:03,007 --> 00:19:04,350
I think as a woman as you get older,
418
00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:06,719
you get lazier just by looking around.
419
00:19:09,881 --> 00:19:12,225
No, I just... I work in Vegas a lot.
420
00:19:12,250 --> 00:19:15,527
That doesn't sound awesome.
421
00:19:15,553 --> 00:19:17,533
But I do stand-up in Vegas a lot,
422
00:19:17,555 --> 00:19:19,728
and I see these packs of young girls
423
00:19:19,757 --> 00:19:21,759
that still have the energy, you know?
424
00:19:21,792 --> 00:19:22,793
Just a pack of girls
425
00:19:22,827 --> 00:19:24,932
all wearing tube dresses, right?
426
00:19:24,962 --> 00:19:26,942
And just... the heels they can't handle.
427
00:19:26,964 --> 00:19:30,173
They have to hold each other
and do, like, Wizard of Oz walk,
428
00:19:30,201 --> 00:19:33,910
chain gang kind of...
429
00:19:33,938 --> 00:19:35,349
They all look identical.
430
00:19:35,373 --> 00:19:37,375
It looks like a whore computer
just shot out a prototype,
431
00:19:37,408 --> 00:19:38,648
and they just started walking.
432
00:19:39,844 --> 00:19:42,654
"Tonight, tonight's
the night, you guys".
433
00:19:45,149 --> 00:19:47,095
I like seeing them
at the end of the night,
434
00:19:47,118 --> 00:19:49,291
you know, like it didn't work out.
435
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:51,698
They're carrying their heels.
436
00:19:51,722 --> 00:19:53,360
They're crying their makeup off.
437
00:19:53,391 --> 00:19:54,631
It looks like they're melting.
438
00:19:54,659 --> 00:19:56,195
"Why didn't anyone pick me?"
439
00:19:59,030 --> 00:20:01,203
"You have puke on your tube, Amber".
440
00:20:05,770 --> 00:20:07,113
It's all work.
441
00:20:07,138 --> 00:20:09,049
It's work having a vagina. That's work.
442
00:20:09,073 --> 00:20:11,849
Guys don't think
that it's work, but it is.
443
00:20:11,876 --> 00:20:13,685
You think it just shows up
like that to the event?
444
00:20:13,711 --> 00:20:16,351
It doesn't.
445
00:20:16,380 --> 00:20:17,688
Every night it's like getting it ready
446
00:20:17,715 --> 00:20:21,128
for its first quincea�era, believe me.
447
00:20:23,421 --> 00:20:26,459
Gets an updo, it cries.
448
00:20:26,490 --> 00:20:27,798
It's a lot of work.
449
00:20:27,825 --> 00:20:29,361
It didn't used to be work.
450
00:20:29,393 --> 00:20:31,100
I know that from watching vintage porn.
451
00:20:31,128 --> 00:20:34,234
It was no work.
452
00:20:34,265 --> 00:20:35,869
Zero.
453
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,574
I even... I remember my mom
bottomless when I was a kid.
454
00:20:38,603 --> 00:20:39,604
And it was just...
455
00:20:39,637 --> 00:20:42,584
poof!
456
00:20:42,607 --> 00:20:44,746
It looked like the black
smoke monster from Lost
457
00:20:44,775 --> 00:20:46,379
was just following her.
458
00:20:50,615 --> 00:20:53,459
It's like, "Is Mom being
swarmed by bees?
459
00:20:53,484 --> 00:20:54,929
"What is...
460
00:20:54,952 --> 00:20:57,364
"Is that a tumbleweed?
461
00:20:57,388 --> 00:20:59,959
We're not even in the West".
462
00:21:01,726 --> 00:21:03,831
And then something happened.
I don't know.
463
00:21:03,861 --> 00:21:05,499
Like, 10, 15 years ago,
464
00:21:05,529 --> 00:21:08,066
all the dudes got together
and had, like, a meeting.
465
00:21:08,099 --> 00:21:11,911
Like a fantasy football
draft about our privates.
466
00:21:11,936 --> 00:21:13,574
They were like, "We can't get in there.
467
00:21:13,604 --> 00:21:16,642
"It's like Vietnam trying to...
468
00:21:16,674 --> 00:21:19,120
What do we do?"
469
00:21:19,143 --> 00:21:20,816
And then they just came to
us, and they were just like,
470
00:21:20,845 --> 00:21:24,452
"Ladies, would you mind
471
00:21:24,482 --> 00:21:27,929
looking like babies again?"
472
00:21:30,921 --> 00:21:33,424
And we were like...
473
00:21:33,457 --> 00:21:34,561
"Like, what do you mean?
474
00:21:34,592 --> 00:21:38,267
Just clean up the sides
a little bit or..."
475
00:21:38,296 --> 00:21:41,300
"The whole enchilada".
476
00:21:41,332 --> 00:21:45,781
And we were like,
"Yeah, that's not super weird".
477
00:21:45,803 --> 00:21:48,215
So now we go, we get it done.
478
00:21:48,239 --> 00:21:50,014
We have to go get it done.
479
00:21:50,041 --> 00:21:51,520
Ugh, yeah, like, that does... she...
480
00:21:51,542 --> 00:21:52,714
we go and get it done, guys.
481
00:21:52,743 --> 00:21:53,881
Like, it doesn't just happen.
482
00:21:53,911 --> 00:21:55,254
I don't care how cool your girl is.
483
00:21:55,279 --> 00:21:57,316
She doesn't have, like,
alopecia of the crotch.
484
00:21:57,348 --> 00:22:00,727
It just falls out in
the shape of your initials.
485
00:22:00,751 --> 00:22:02,890
That's not what happens.
486
00:22:05,156 --> 00:22:07,466
That's not how it goes down, no.
487
00:22:07,491 --> 00:22:09,266
We get it done.
488
00:22:09,293 --> 00:22:10,772
We have to go see a woman,
489
00:22:10,795 --> 00:22:15,266
usually from a third-world country.
490
00:22:15,299 --> 00:22:16,801
It's never from, like...
491
00:22:16,834 --> 00:22:18,313
like, it's never me
that comes and gets you
492
00:22:18,336 --> 00:22:19,644
from the waiting room.
493
00:22:19,670 --> 00:22:21,172
Like, I'll never be like,
"Hi, I'm Ashley.
494
00:22:21,205 --> 00:22:22,411
I'm here to take care of your pussy".
495
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:23,817
Like, no.
496
00:22:27,511 --> 00:22:28,581
"Pussy!"
497
00:22:28,612 --> 00:22:31,092
No, it's not...
498
00:22:31,115 --> 00:22:32,526
that's not how it goes.
499
00:22:32,550 --> 00:22:34,496
Like, the chick who
does it to me in New York,
500
00:22:34,518 --> 00:22:36,862
I think she's from, like,
the killing fields of Cambodia.
501
00:22:36,887 --> 00:22:38,696
Like, this poor woman...
502
00:22:38,723 --> 00:22:42,466
I can tell, like, she has
seen some shit, you know?
503
00:22:44,862 --> 00:22:46,205
She has been through it,
504
00:22:46,230 --> 00:22:49,837
and she was, like, a doctor there.
505
00:22:49,867 --> 00:22:53,838
And now she does this, and she hates me.
506
00:22:53,871 --> 00:22:56,545
And she doesn't even hide it.
I walk in, she's like, "Ugh".
507
00:22:56,574 --> 00:22:58,417
I'm like, "Sorry".
508
00:23:00,044 --> 00:23:02,024
But she should, she should
hate me because I'm like...
509
00:23:02,046 --> 00:23:03,957
we're the worst, white, entitled girls.
510
00:23:03,981 --> 00:23:05,358
I walk in chewing gum,
511
00:23:05,383 --> 00:23:06,384
I'm on my phone.
512
00:23:06,417 --> 00:23:09,159
I'm just like...
513
00:23:09,186 --> 00:23:11,427
I'm like, "Don't get any
wax on my new UGGs.
514
00:23:11,455 --> 00:23:13,901
What?"
515
00:23:16,394 --> 00:23:19,238
She's like, "My parents
were murdered in front of me".
516
00:23:19,263 --> 00:23:21,243
I'm like, "I'm on the phone. What?"
517
00:23:24,602 --> 00:23:26,604
"It's about True Blood.
Give me one sec".
518
00:23:27,938 --> 00:23:29,781
She hates me, but she wins.
519
00:23:29,807 --> 00:23:31,878
Like, those chicks win every time,
520
00:23:31,909 --> 00:23:33,479
'cause what they do,
and I always forget this,
521
00:23:33,511 --> 00:23:35,855
they go... she goes and gets a mirror,
522
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,690
and she shows it to me.
523
00:23:38,716 --> 00:23:41,890
She shows me my own vagina.
524
00:23:41,919 --> 00:23:45,230
And I have to act
like I'm not horrified.
525
00:23:47,258 --> 00:23:50,000
And I'm horrified.
526
00:23:50,027 --> 00:23:51,938
It's the worst thing in the world.
527
00:23:51,962 --> 00:23:53,964
And what she's saying in that moment is,
528
00:23:53,998 --> 00:23:57,571
"Are you happy now, you dumb bitch?
529
00:23:57,601 --> 00:24:00,605
You just paid me to assault you".
530
00:24:01,939 --> 00:24:03,941
"And now you look like a toddler.
531
00:24:03,974 --> 00:24:08,081
Is that what... is that cool, yeah?"
532
00:24:08,112 --> 00:24:09,386
And it's not cool.
533
00:24:09,413 --> 00:24:11,450
It's the worst thing
you'll ever see in your life.
534
00:24:11,482 --> 00:24:13,120
It's red.
535
00:24:13,150 --> 00:24:14,322
It looks angry.
536
00:24:14,351 --> 00:24:15,955
It looks like an old man frowning.
537
00:24:15,986 --> 00:24:18,364
Just, "No!"
538
00:24:20,658 --> 00:24:24,037
"Visit me!"
539
00:24:28,065 --> 00:24:29,373
"Birds!"
540
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,141
I don't know. Old
people like birds, right?
541
00:24:31,168 --> 00:24:32,374
I don't know.
542
00:24:32,403 --> 00:24:34,508
They're always like, "Oh, look, a bird".
543
00:24:34,538 --> 00:24:38,247
Ugh. It's so much work.
544
00:24:39,076 --> 00:24:40,487
I think guys have it easier.
545
00:24:40,511 --> 00:24:41,956
I'm not sure.
546
00:24:41,979 --> 00:24:44,550
What do you guys think? Yeah, you do?
547
00:24:44,582 --> 00:24:46,960
Did you ever see an
uncircumcised penis?
548
00:24:46,984 --> 00:24:48,895
You did? Did you know...
549
00:24:48,919 --> 00:24:50,262
did you know you were gonna see it?
550
00:24:50,287 --> 00:24:53,131
No, it's always a
fucking surprise party, right?
551
00:24:54,959 --> 00:24:56,461
It's a big... it's him, right?
552
00:24:56,494 --> 00:24:59,202
It's him.
553
00:24:59,230 --> 00:25:00,800
Wait. Here's the funniest thing.
554
00:25:00,831 --> 00:25:02,777
I'm sorry that everyone knows
about your penis now.
555
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:04,302
But here's the best part,
556
00:25:04,335 --> 00:25:06,542
he's wearing a shirt
that says "Browncoats".
557
00:25:06,570 --> 00:25:08,880
Now, if that's not funny...
558
00:25:11,175 --> 00:25:12,176
And that's what it looks like.
559
00:25:12,209 --> 00:25:15,383
It looks like your penis is
wearing a little brown coat...
560
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:19,286
if you've seen one.
561
00:25:19,316 --> 00:25:21,125
You just... nobody ever
tells you, right?
562
00:25:21,151 --> 00:25:22,789
He didn't tell you.
They don't tell you shit.
563
00:25:22,820 --> 00:25:23,890
They're just like, boom,
564
00:25:23,921 --> 00:25:26,299
reunited with Snuffleupagus, enjoy.
565
00:25:26,323 --> 00:25:29,065
Enjoy.
566
00:25:29,093 --> 00:25:30,629
You guys are so cute.
567
00:25:30,661 --> 00:25:32,197
Why don't they tell us?
568
00:25:32,229 --> 00:25:33,606
Tell... tell me.
569
00:25:33,631 --> 00:25:35,542
We have to become
award-winning actresses.
570
00:25:35,566 --> 00:25:36,772
Like, "Oh, no. That's totally cool.
571
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,110
"Mom, can you come pick me up?
572
00:25:40,804 --> 00:25:44,183
"I don't know. It's wearing,
like, a hat or, like, a cape.
573
00:25:44,208 --> 00:25:46,916
Like, a brown coat type thing".
574
00:25:52,850 --> 00:25:54,352
Why don't they tell us?
575
00:25:54,385 --> 00:25:57,025
I would tell you if I had
an extra flap over my clitoris.
576
00:25:57,054 --> 00:25:59,330
I'd give you a heads-up. I would.
577
00:26:01,692 --> 00:26:03,501
I'd be like, "You're gonna
encounter a wizard.
578
00:26:03,527 --> 00:26:06,371
"Keep going.
579
00:26:06,397 --> 00:26:09,173
"Go.
580
00:26:09,199 --> 00:26:10,769
Take this compass".
581
00:26:10,801 --> 00:26:13,577
I'd make it exciting,
582
00:26:13,604 --> 00:26:14,639
play the music from Zelda.
583
00:26:14,672 --> 00:26:15,878
It'd be great.
584
00:26:17,841 --> 00:26:19,514
Men don't care. They don't tell you.
585
00:26:19,543 --> 00:26:24,219
I hooked up with a guy one
time that had no testicles.
586
00:26:24,248 --> 00:26:29,561
Count them, zero "testicalo".
587
00:26:29,587 --> 00:26:30,861
You think he brought that up at dinner?
588
00:26:30,888 --> 00:26:31,889
'Cause he didn't.
589
00:26:31,922 --> 00:26:34,402
I got to find out in real time.
590
00:26:36,493 --> 00:26:38,029
It was dark in the room.
591
00:26:38,062 --> 00:26:41,043
Let me paint the romantic picture here.
592
00:26:41,065 --> 00:26:44,274
And I went right to the spot
I know them to always be,
593
00:26:44,301 --> 00:26:47,805
no GPS necessary.
594
00:26:47,838 --> 00:26:50,910
I picked up the main event and noth...
595
00:26:50,941 --> 00:26:52,420
I felt like a girl learning Braille.
596
00:26:52,443 --> 00:26:54,013
I just kept...
597
00:26:57,147 --> 00:26:58,592
And, like, we don't...
598
00:26:58,616 --> 00:27:00,061
like, girls don't care about your balls.
599
00:27:00,084 --> 00:27:01,358
Like, no one care...
600
00:27:01,385 --> 00:27:02,955
like, I would never call
my sister the morning after
601
00:27:02,987 --> 00:27:03,988
and be like,
602
00:27:04,021 --> 00:27:07,332
"Hey, okay. So, like, the sex was lame,
603
00:27:07,358 --> 00:27:10,931
"but this guy's balls..."
604
00:27:15,933 --> 00:27:17,606
No.
605
00:27:17,635 --> 00:27:21,412
But when they're
not there, you miss 'em.
606
00:27:21,438 --> 00:27:23,884
They're like grandparents.
607
00:27:34,218 --> 00:27:35,959
Thank you.
608
00:27:35,986 --> 00:27:38,364
I like that that's the one
that was too much for you guys.
609
00:27:38,389 --> 00:27:39,959
You're like, "Rape, AIDS, whatevs.
610
00:27:39,990 --> 00:27:43,062
Grandparents? Whoa!"
611
00:27:45,429 --> 00:27:48,535
So, yeah, the way I saw
an uncircumcised penis...
612
00:27:48,565 --> 00:27:51,409
I had met this guy
at a bar. He was French.
613
00:27:51,435 --> 00:27:52,573
So I should have known,
614
00:27:52,603 --> 00:27:53,707
but I didn't know
he was actually French.
615
00:27:53,737 --> 00:27:54,875
I thought we were
both just, like, wasted
616
00:27:54,905 --> 00:27:56,543
and faking the accent, you know?
617
00:27:58,442 --> 00:28:01,889
I was like, "Rosetta Stone!"
618
00:28:01,912 --> 00:28:04,324
'Cause I do, I can
only drink beer and wine now
619
00:28:04,348 --> 00:28:05,554
'cause I, like, my parents are...
620
00:28:05,582 --> 00:28:07,152
anybody have alcoholic parents?
621
00:28:07,184 --> 00:28:08,720
Anybody in here?
622
00:28:08,752 --> 00:28:10,390
Oh, no, everybody was raised awesomely?
623
00:28:11,822 --> 00:28:12,823
Like, my dad
624
00:28:12,856 --> 00:28:14,392
used to apologize to me
625
00:28:14,425 --> 00:28:18,373
for missing
volleyball games that he was at.
626
00:28:18,395 --> 00:28:21,501
So, anyway, I meet
this French guy and...
627
00:28:21,532 --> 00:28:23,978
'cause I don't think that's
a cute accent on dudes, right?
628
00:28:24,001 --> 00:28:25,480
The French accent.
629
00:28:25,502 --> 00:28:27,607
It just... it makes my vagina
shut like a steel trap,
630
00:28:27,638 --> 00:28:29,743
Just pshh!
631
00:28:29,773 --> 00:28:32,617
I mean, thank God
for that other hole, but...
632
00:28:35,112 --> 00:28:37,615
My butthole.
633
00:28:37,648 --> 00:28:38,718
Oh, you knew.
634
00:28:38,749 --> 00:28:40,319
Okay, you knew.
635
00:28:40,350 --> 00:28:43,797
So I went home with this French guy,
636
00:28:43,821 --> 00:28:45,528
'cause he said something adorable like,
637
00:28:45,556 --> 00:28:47,035
"I have an apartment".
638
00:28:48,726 --> 00:28:50,205
I was like, "Oh".
639
00:28:50,227 --> 00:28:53,003
So we go... I go home with him,
640
00:28:53,030 --> 00:28:54,441
and we're, like, making out.
641
00:28:54,465 --> 00:28:55,876
He was very sensual.
642
00:28:55,899 --> 00:28:58,140
He's one of those dudes,
like, he started to pick me up,
643
00:28:58,168 --> 00:28:59,772
and then he realized
he was in over his head,
644
00:28:59,803 --> 00:29:01,805
and I got planted back down.
645
00:29:03,607 --> 00:29:06,087
It's hard to feel sexy
when a dudes winded
646
00:29:06,110 --> 00:29:08,351
from trying to hoist you.
647
00:29:08,378 --> 00:29:09,982
His, like, legs are shaking.
648
00:29:10,013 --> 00:29:12,015
He's, like, wiping sweat.
649
00:29:12,049 --> 00:29:13,585
I'm like, "Can you just put me..."
650
00:29:13,617 --> 00:29:15,290
I tried to land cute like a gymnast.
651
00:29:15,319 --> 00:29:17,299
I was like...
652
00:29:17,321 --> 00:29:19,232
No, but I do...
653
00:29:19,256 --> 00:29:20,360
but I know I have a body type.
654
00:29:20,390 --> 00:29:22,267
Like, I know, like, I'm not a twig.
655
00:29:22,292 --> 00:29:24,169
Like, if a cheerleading
pyramids being made,
656
00:29:24,194 --> 00:29:25,605
I know I'm a base.
657
00:29:25,629 --> 00:29:28,075
Like, I get right down...
658
00:29:28,098 --> 00:29:29,338
I'm not like, "Hoist me up on top
659
00:29:29,366 --> 00:29:30,811
"like a star tonight, you guys.
660
00:29:30,834 --> 00:29:31,835
I wanna fly".
661
00:29:31,869 --> 00:29:33,576
Like, I know where I am.
662
00:29:33,604 --> 00:29:37,518
I know my body type the way
guys hit on me at bars,
663
00:29:37,541 --> 00:29:38,542
like, when it happens.
664
00:29:38,575 --> 00:29:39,576
And it's usually my idea.
665
00:29:39,610 --> 00:29:40,680
I'm usually like, "Hey".
666
00:29:40,711 --> 00:29:41,712
And they're like, "No, thanks".
667
00:29:41,745 --> 00:29:42,746
And I'm like, "Hey!"
668
00:29:42,780 --> 00:29:44,259
And they're like, "Oh".
669
00:29:48,252 --> 00:29:49,663
But when I do get hit on...
670
00:29:49,686 --> 00:29:51,427
Like, this guy just came
up to me, and he was from,
671
00:29:51,455 --> 00:29:53,435
like, Texas or somewhere I'm not going.
672
00:29:53,457 --> 00:29:57,166
And...
673
00:29:57,194 --> 00:29:58,571
and he comes over, and he's like,
674
00:29:58,595 --> 00:30:01,599
"Hey, I like you.
675
00:30:01,632 --> 00:30:03,873
You're sturdy".
676
00:30:07,070 --> 00:30:08,481
I'm like, "I'm sorry?"
677
00:30:08,505 --> 00:30:09,950
He's like, "You look like
you could take a punch".
678
00:30:09,973 --> 00:30:11,975
I'm like, "Oh".
679
00:30:12,009 --> 00:30:15,183
Oh, don't I feel like
the belle of the ball.
680
00:30:18,582 --> 00:30:20,789
So I'm making out with Frenchinator,
681
00:30:20,818 --> 00:30:22,525
and... he did...
682
00:30:22,553 --> 00:30:23,964
he put... he, like, gave up right away,
683
00:30:23,987 --> 00:30:25,625
'cause he's French, I guess.
684
00:30:25,656 --> 00:30:28,227
And...
685
00:30:29,893 --> 00:30:33,807
Oh, my God. Thank you.
686
00:30:33,831 --> 00:30:35,833
So we're making out, and... he...
687
00:30:35,866 --> 00:30:37,812
he pulled his dick out immediately.
688
00:30:37,835 --> 00:30:41,647
He must have been thinking
like, "She's the one".
689
00:30:41,672 --> 00:30:43,117
And I'm looking at it.
690
00:30:43,140 --> 00:30:46,553
I'm just like, "What... what is that?"
691
00:30:47,578 --> 00:30:49,649
"Are we having, like, a pillow fight?
692
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:51,125
"What's...
693
00:30:51,148 --> 00:30:54,686
Why is the gnome from
Travelocity in your underpants?"
694
00:30:57,588 --> 00:30:59,568
But, like, you can't...
guys are sensitive too.
695
00:30:59,590 --> 00:31:01,297
I couldn't do what I was,
like, thinking, like...
696
00:31:01,325 --> 00:31:02,360
"Aah!"
697
00:31:02,392 --> 00:31:05,032
Like, run down the
five stories of his walk-up.
698
00:31:05,062 --> 00:31:06,973
I had to be, like, a team
player and be like,
699
00:31:06,997 --> 00:31:08,340
"All right, here we go".
700
00:31:08,365 --> 00:31:09,844
Just, like, fighting through the skin
701
00:31:09,867 --> 00:31:11,312
trying to find his actual pe...
702
00:31:11,335 --> 00:31:13,747
I felt like a magician
with the scarves, I'm just...
703
00:31:18,242 --> 00:31:21,314
Waiting for a dove
to hit me in the face.
704
00:31:24,748 --> 00:31:26,819
It sucks getting older as a chick.
705
00:31:26,850 --> 00:31:29,160
In your 20s, you're
just like, "Life is awesome.
706
00:31:29,186 --> 00:31:32,724
Everybody wants to fuck me, you guys!"
707
00:31:32,756 --> 00:31:34,463
Then you turn 30, and you're like,
708
00:31:34,491 --> 00:31:36,732
"You guys?"
709
00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:39,502
It's like a bus that never comes.
710
00:31:39,529 --> 00:31:41,475
But as I'm getting older,
what I'm doing now
711
00:31:41,498 --> 00:31:43,535
is I'm just making sure
I'm the best-looking one
712
00:31:43,567 --> 00:31:44,568
of my friends.
713
00:31:44,601 --> 00:31:46,205
It's really easy.
714
00:31:46,236 --> 00:31:49,877
I cut certain people out of my life.
715
00:31:49,907 --> 00:31:53,377
And I now hand-select
strangers off of Facebook
716
00:31:53,410 --> 00:31:56,016
and surround myself with
real trolls and reptiles.
717
00:31:56,046 --> 00:31:58,151
You should see these monsters.
718
00:31:58,181 --> 00:32:00,491
I had a friend, Nikki,
she kept losing weight.
719
00:32:00,517 --> 00:32:04,294
I took her out of my phone.
Fuck her, I'm sorry.
720
00:32:04,321 --> 00:32:06,426
But there's one chick
I've been friends with forever.
721
00:32:06,456 --> 00:32:07,799
Her name is Sabina.
722
00:32:07,824 --> 00:32:09,394
Like, she's gorgeous,
723
00:32:09,426 --> 00:32:11,133
and of course she is,
with the name Sabina.
724
00:32:11,161 --> 00:32:13,971
Like, what a white,
annoying name, right?
725
00:32:13,997 --> 00:32:15,670
You have to be so hot to
pull off names like that,
726
00:32:15,699 --> 00:32:17,406
like Sabina, Priscilla.
727
00:32:17,434 --> 00:32:19,380
You can't have, like,
a bum knee and a lazy eye
728
00:32:19,403 --> 00:32:21,815
and be like, "I'm Sabina".
729
00:32:23,807 --> 00:32:25,150
It's like, "Nice try.
730
00:32:25,175 --> 00:32:26,347
"We're gonna call you Bertha, bitch.
731
00:32:26,376 --> 00:32:28,788
"But that was cute.
732
00:32:28,812 --> 00:32:30,416
That was cute".
733
00:32:30,447 --> 00:32:31,926
Guys go crazy over her.
734
00:32:31,949 --> 00:32:33,724
I never get hit on like that.
735
00:32:33,750 --> 00:32:36,492
The only time I get hit on
is last call at the bar.
736
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:37,760
Right?
737
00:32:37,788 --> 00:32:40,632
That's when I shine, I'm telling you.
738
00:32:40,657 --> 00:32:42,136
What a weird time of night, right?
739
00:32:42,159 --> 00:32:43,729
The lights go on.
740
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:46,639
It just feels real rape-y
all of a sudden.
741
00:32:46,663 --> 00:32:48,108
Post-apocalyptic.
742
00:32:48,131 --> 00:32:49,337
Something happens to the men.
743
00:32:49,366 --> 00:32:50,902
They're just like, "I need a woman".
744
00:32:50,934 --> 00:32:52,607
Like, they all just start
pacing like gorillas.
745
00:32:55,272 --> 00:32:58,116
Their eyes widen.
746
00:32:58,141 --> 00:33:00,246
It looks like they can only see by heat.
747
00:33:00,277 --> 00:33:03,315
They're like, "What?" Like Predator.
748
00:33:06,049 --> 00:33:08,154
I see some dude in a full blackout
749
00:33:08,185 --> 00:33:09,323
just walking at me,
750
00:33:09,353 --> 00:33:11,424
like a zombie just pointing
at his own dick.
751
00:33:11,455 --> 00:33:13,298
Like, "Here".
752
00:33:16,059 --> 00:33:18,039
I'm like, "I'll get us a cab".
753
00:33:23,900 --> 00:33:26,005
I know I make it sound
like I'm so slutty up here,
754
00:33:26,036 --> 00:33:27,777
but I'm... I've
only been with four people,
755
00:33:27,804 --> 00:33:29,715
and that was a weird night.
756
00:33:31,641 --> 00:33:33,086
That's my business.
757
00:33:34,077 --> 00:33:36,421
Oh, it doesn't matter
what you do, ladies.
758
00:33:36,446 --> 00:33:38,187
Every guy is gonna
leave you for an Asian woman,
759
00:33:38,215 --> 00:33:40,024
and you know that.
760
00:33:40,050 --> 00:33:41,154
That's right,
761
00:33:41,184 --> 00:33:43,892
I'm saying it in San Francisco,
in the hotbed.
762
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:46,298
In the hotbed.
763
00:33:46,323 --> 00:33:49,236
I get it. I can't compete
with an Asian chick.
764
00:33:49,259 --> 00:33:50,761
I can't. They're better.
765
00:33:50,794 --> 00:33:52,273
I've been thinking
about this. I did the math.
766
00:33:52,295 --> 00:33:54,866
I know that's their thing, but I did it.
767
00:33:58,602 --> 00:34:00,604
I've been thinking about
it. I can't win.
768
00:34:00,637 --> 00:34:02,173
How can I compete with an Asian chick?
769
00:34:02,205 --> 00:34:03,616
They're smarter.
770
00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:05,779
They have naturally silky hair.
771
00:34:05,809 --> 00:34:09,552
This Jew denial took
me, like, 40 minutes.
772
00:34:09,579 --> 00:34:11,058
They laugh like this
773
00:34:11,081 --> 00:34:14,688
'cause they know men
hate when women speak.
774
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:18,531
They're better.
775
00:34:18,555 --> 00:34:20,535
They're just better.
776
00:34:20,557 --> 00:34:22,764
And how do they bring it
on home for the win?
777
00:34:22,793 --> 00:34:25,967
Oh, the smallest vaginae in the game.
778
00:34:25,996 --> 00:34:27,566
I can't compete with that.
779
00:34:27,597 --> 00:34:29,599
What do I have? What am I...
780
00:34:29,633 --> 00:34:31,442
I've got a B.A. in Theater and HPV.
781
00:34:31,468 --> 00:34:34,915
No one's buying my stock.
782
00:34:34,938 --> 00:34:37,646
I am plummeting.
783
00:34:37,674 --> 00:34:38,948
I'm going to black guys.
784
00:34:38,975 --> 00:34:40,420
That's what I'm trying to do.
785
00:34:40,444 --> 00:34:41,821
That's what I'm doing, yeah.
786
00:34:41,845 --> 00:34:43,290
I've... I can't believe
I've never done it.
787
00:34:43,313 --> 00:34:45,919
I'm built for it. It
seems weird I haven't.
788
00:34:45,949 --> 00:34:48,486
Gotta go for the black guy.
789
00:34:48,518 --> 00:34:50,122
Have you ever... black guy? Yeah.
790
00:34:50,153 --> 00:34:51,632
She's like, "Yeah".
791
00:34:51,655 --> 00:34:53,635
She's like, "Yes, look at my shirt.
792
00:34:53,657 --> 00:34:54,965
You know I fuck black guys".
793
00:34:54,991 --> 00:34:56,299
How cute are you?
794
00:34:56,326 --> 00:34:57,930
You're so cute. You're hot.
795
00:34:57,961 --> 00:34:59,406
I'm not gay.
796
00:34:59,429 --> 00:35:01,500
I've caught a finger,
but you get what I'm saying.
797
00:35:03,900 --> 00:35:06,005
Black guys are the future.
798
00:35:06,036 --> 00:35:07,174
Some chicks are scared.
799
00:35:07,204 --> 00:35:09,013
You know what they say,
"Once you go black,
800
00:35:09,039 --> 00:35:10,347
your parents don't talk to you anymore".
801
00:35:10,373 --> 00:35:12,512
Something like that. I don't know.
802
00:35:12,542 --> 00:35:15,284
I don't know.
Something, like, to that effect.
803
00:35:15,312 --> 00:35:17,223
But black guys...
804
00:35:17,247 --> 00:35:18,624
No, I want to do it.
805
00:35:18,648 --> 00:35:20,559
I almost did it last weekend.
806
00:35:20,584 --> 00:35:22,086
I was... like, after the show,
807
00:35:22,119 --> 00:35:25,726
I was standing out, and...
and I was trying to sell my CDs,
808
00:35:25,755 --> 00:35:27,860
and people were like, "No, thanks".
809
00:35:27,891 --> 00:35:31,361
And not even of my stand-up.
810
00:35:31,394 --> 00:35:33,499
Just, like, some shit I needed
to get rid of, you know,
811
00:35:33,530 --> 00:35:35,942
like, the Forrest Gump soundtrack,
812
00:35:35,966 --> 00:35:37,570
just some Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott.
813
00:35:37,601 --> 00:35:38,705
I'm like, "I don't need this".
814
00:35:38,735 --> 00:35:41,011
But, no, this dude comes up to me,
815
00:35:41,037 --> 00:35:42,812
this black guy, and he was into it,
816
00:35:42,839 --> 00:35:44,284
'cause, come on.
817
00:35:44,307 --> 00:35:45,809
And...
818
00:35:45,842 --> 00:35:50,018
he walks over, and he's
like, "I'm Derek".
819
00:35:50,046 --> 00:35:52,151
And I was like, "Derek?"
820
00:35:52,182 --> 00:35:54,321
He's like, "Derek".
821
00:35:54,351 --> 00:35:56,456
And he had on, like, a nice shirt,
822
00:35:56,486 --> 00:35:59,262
and he had, like, a job.
823
00:36:00,590 --> 00:36:06,199
And I was like, "No, I want a brotha".
824
00:36:06,229 --> 00:36:10,041
If I'm gonna do it, I wanna
really do it, you know?
825
00:36:10,066 --> 00:36:11,272
Not Derek.
826
00:36:11,301 --> 00:36:12,541
I want him to, like,
not even have a name,
827
00:36:12,569 --> 00:36:13,570
just like nicknames.
828
00:36:13,603 --> 00:36:14,741
Everyone's like, "Pookie!"
829
00:36:14,771 --> 00:36:17,183
He's like, "What's up?"
830
00:36:17,207 --> 00:36:18,686
No job.
831
00:36:18,708 --> 00:36:21,211
We need, like, a ton of lube,
but just, like, for his elbows.
832
00:36:21,244 --> 00:36:23,155
You know what I'm talking about?
833
00:36:24,614 --> 00:36:26,150
Oh, that was insanely racist?
834
00:36:26,183 --> 00:36:29,062
You're right. You're right.
835
00:36:30,720 --> 00:36:32,529
I love joking about race.
836
00:36:32,556 --> 00:36:33,660
It's, like, my favorite.
837
00:36:33,690 --> 00:36:34,998
I was talking about this the other day.
838
00:36:35,025 --> 00:36:38,199
I was hanging outwith
literally all my black friend.
839
00:36:38,228 --> 00:36:41,437
And...
840
00:36:41,464 --> 00:36:45,207
And... and I remember
I was like, "Tamambe,"
841
00:36:45,235 --> 00:36:47,215
or whatever.
842
00:36:47,237 --> 00:36:51,242
Tapestry... it's something
wild, you know?
843
00:36:52,542 --> 00:36:54,044
It's something crazy.
844
00:36:54,077 --> 00:36:56,182
I mean, that's why they need
Google in the delivery room,
845
00:36:56,213 --> 00:36:57,214
I think, right?
846
00:36:57,247 --> 00:36:58,248
It's everywhere else.
847
00:36:58,281 --> 00:36:59,555
Why not there, right?
848
00:36:59,583 --> 00:37:00,687
So when her mom was like,
849
00:37:00,717 --> 00:37:03,823
I'm gonna name you "Tamambo".
850
00:37:03,853 --> 00:37:07,801
Google would show up and say,
"Did you mean Jennifer?"
851
00:37:13,697 --> 00:37:15,176
And her mom would be like,
852
00:37:15,198 --> 00:37:17,508
"Yes, Google, I did mean Jennifer.
853
00:37:17,534 --> 00:37:19,377
Thank you".
854
00:37:21,338 --> 00:37:22,612
No, Tamambe.
855
00:37:22,639 --> 00:37:27,281
So I'm hanging out with Tapioca and...
856
00:37:27,310 --> 00:37:29,551
Tempura or something,
and what was she saying?
857
00:37:29,579 --> 00:37:31,081
She... she was like, "Girl".
858
00:37:31,114 --> 00:37:33,151
Like, I won't do some racist impression,
859
00:37:33,183 --> 00:37:34,184
so don't worry.
860
00:37:34,217 --> 00:37:35,992
But she was like, "Girl!"
861
00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:45,233
I mean, we were, like,
mid-double Dutch,
862
00:37:45,262 --> 00:37:48,471
and...
863
00:37:48,498 --> 00:37:49,499
And I'm just like,
864
00:37:49,532 --> 00:37:52,012
"Stop yelling. We're not at the movies".
865
00:37:56,706 --> 00:37:59,710
Thank you.
866
00:37:59,743 --> 00:38:02,155
Thank you.
867
00:38:02,178 --> 00:38:03,680
I'm glad you guys laughed at that.
868
00:38:03,713 --> 00:38:06,922
That does not always work,
I'll be honest with you.
869
00:38:06,950 --> 00:38:09,191
I mean, nothing works
100% of the time, right?
870
00:38:09,219 --> 00:38:10,596
Except Mexicans.
871
00:38:10,620 --> 00:38:12,429
I've noticed...
872
00:38:13,423 --> 00:38:14,766
That's the one?
873
00:38:14,791 --> 00:38:16,236
Boo! Right?
874
00:38:16,259 --> 00:38:17,738
Boo, Mexicans.
875
00:38:17,761 --> 00:38:18,796
I hear ya.
876
00:38:18,828 --> 00:38:20,330
You guys are
877
00:38:20,363 --> 00:38:22,468
preaching to the choir.
878
00:38:26,069 --> 00:38:28,049
So, ass play, you guys,
what do you guys think?
879
00:38:28,071 --> 00:38:29,175
For or against?
880
00:38:29,205 --> 00:38:31,811
Every night? Okay.
881
00:38:31,841 --> 00:38:33,616
I've dealt with two kinds of guys
882
00:38:33,643 --> 00:38:36,556
when it comes to my personal asshole.
883
00:38:38,415 --> 00:38:41,191
There's the kind of guy that
never acknowledges it, right?
884
00:38:41,217 --> 00:38:43,197
Like, the whole time
you're together just never...
885
00:38:43,219 --> 00:38:45,221
which is awesome because who
needs the extra maintenance?
886
00:38:45,255 --> 00:38:46,461
Can I get what-what, ladies?
887
00:38:46,489 --> 00:38:47,729
What-what!
888
00:38:47,757 --> 00:38:50,738
Thanks, sister friends.
889
00:38:52,896 --> 00:38:54,500
That guy's awesome, right?
890
00:38:54,531 --> 00:38:55,976
You know what you're
getting with that guy.
891
00:38:55,999 --> 00:38:57,774
And then there's the other kind of guy
892
00:38:57,801 --> 00:39:00,975
who goes for it immediately.
893
00:39:01,004 --> 00:39:03,006
Like, you're not even fully kissing yet,
894
00:39:03,039 --> 00:39:05,383
and he's trying to grab
you like a bowling ball.
895
00:39:05,408 --> 00:39:07,911
You're like, "No!"
896
00:39:10,780 --> 00:39:12,885
He's like, "You said
you like Jeff Dunham".
897
00:39:12,916 --> 00:39:15,624
You're like, "No!"
898
00:39:17,854 --> 00:39:20,801
You can't trust those guys, all right?
899
00:39:20,824 --> 00:39:22,394
So I was dating the first kind of guy,
900
00:39:22,425 --> 00:39:23,802
no ass play.
901
00:39:23,827 --> 00:39:25,431
Like, the sex was very vanilla.
902
00:39:25,462 --> 00:39:27,874
There was no funny business,
no dirty talk.
903
00:39:27,897 --> 00:39:30,138
If I sent him a naughty photo,
he would just write back,
904
00:39:30,166 --> 00:39:34,080
"Thanks," like I
sent him a fax he needed.
905
00:39:34,104 --> 00:39:37,051
Like I had forwarded him an e-vite.
906
00:39:38,274 --> 00:39:39,912
So we were together for, like, years,
907
00:39:39,943 --> 00:39:41,616
and one night, out of nowhere,
908
00:39:41,644 --> 00:39:43,123
we're at dinner, and he's like,
909
00:39:43,146 --> 00:39:45,183
"I'd like to talk about something.
910
00:39:45,215 --> 00:39:48,355
I'd like to talk about ass play".
911
00:39:48,385 --> 00:39:50,626
And I'm like, "Is that a Broadway show?
912
00:39:51,821 --> 00:39:55,735
"That show sounds awesome.
Let's go see that show".
913
00:39:55,759 --> 00:39:57,261
And he's like, "No, ass play".
914
00:39:57,293 --> 00:39:59,170
And as I'm asking him questions,
915
00:39:59,195 --> 00:40:01,038
I realize he hasn't thought
it through at all.
916
00:40:01,064 --> 00:40:02,907
'Cause I was just like,
"Do you mean on you or me?"
917
00:40:02,932 --> 00:40:04,070
And he was like, "Oh".
918
00:40:04,100 --> 00:40:06,478
I was like, "Oh, Jesus, no".
919
00:40:08,171 --> 00:40:11,277
This is not a brainstorm sesh here.
920
00:40:11,307 --> 00:40:14,811
Your PowerPoint, buddy.
921
00:40:14,844 --> 00:40:16,653
So that night, I was like,
922
00:40:16,679 --> 00:40:17,953
"I'm gonna call him on his bluff".
923
00:40:17,981 --> 00:40:19,654
I don't usually joke
around in the bedroom,
924
00:40:19,682 --> 00:40:21,423
but I was like, "Fuck this guy".
925
00:40:21,451 --> 00:40:22,759
So...
926
00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:27,590
I'm like, "This J.V. player
is gonna get it from me," so...
927
00:40:31,494 --> 00:40:33,167
So we're, like, making
out, and I'm just like,
928
00:40:33,196 --> 00:40:37,303
"Psst, where is all the ass play?"
929
00:40:37,333 --> 00:40:42,112
And like a frightened child,
he goes, "Tonight?"
930
00:40:44,107 --> 00:40:46,747
And I'm like, "Uh-huh".
931
00:40:46,776 --> 00:40:50,019
And he can't think... he goes,
"Well, did you shower?"
932
00:40:50,046 --> 00:40:51,582
I said, "I'm not gonna answer that,
933
00:40:51,614 --> 00:40:53,287
'cause I'm not a homeless woman".
934
00:40:53,316 --> 00:40:56,695
Just some schizophrenic
with a cart like,
935
00:40:56,719 --> 00:40:59,825
"Wash me!"
936
00:41:03,126 --> 00:41:05,265
So he can't think of any
other way to stall,
937
00:41:05,295 --> 00:41:06,774
so this is what he does, okay?
938
00:41:06,796 --> 00:41:08,070
This is my asshole.
939
00:41:08,097 --> 00:41:12,705
This is his finger. He goes like this.
940
00:41:12,735 --> 00:41:14,942
And he holds it there,
941
00:41:14,971 --> 00:41:17,508
like he was checking it for a pulse.
942
00:41:19,275 --> 00:41:20,811
Like he thought a groundhog
might pop out,
943
00:41:20,844 --> 00:41:22,414
and he'd have
to Whac-A-Mole it.
944
00:41:25,348 --> 00:41:27,521
And then I fist him
945
00:41:27,550 --> 00:41:30,997
like you wouldn't believe.
946
00:41:35,225 --> 00:41:37,262
He's dead.
947
00:41:39,295 --> 00:41:41,297
Oh, God, you guys are awesome.
948
00:41:41,331 --> 00:41:42,332
I... seriously,
949
00:41:42,365 --> 00:41:43,776
sometimes that goes so awkward,
950
00:41:43,800 --> 00:41:45,507
and during a set, I
just want to, like, tap out.
951
00:41:45,535 --> 00:41:46,980
I've had this image.
952
00:41:47,003 --> 00:41:48,710
Not like a wrestling tap-out,
953
00:41:48,738 --> 00:41:50,843
but just sort of soft-shoe
out of the room
954
00:41:50,874 --> 00:41:52,319
in an awkward situation.
955
00:41:52,342 --> 00:41:54,049
Like, why can't we do that?
956
00:41:54,077 --> 00:41:56,148
I was working at this club,
957
00:41:56,179 --> 00:41:57,852
and... I walked in the first night.
958
00:41:57,881 --> 00:42:00,555
And I realized at this club,
there was a bathroom attendant.
959
00:42:00,583 --> 00:42:01,823
Have you ever been like,
960
00:42:01,851 --> 00:42:04,559
"Oh, dope, a bathroom
attendant works here".
961
00:42:04,587 --> 00:42:05,827
No, you're like,
962
00:42:05,855 --> 00:42:06,959
"Ah, it's awkward".
963
00:42:06,990 --> 00:42:08,492
They hate you.
964
00:42:08,525 --> 00:42:10,368
You hate... you're just
like, "Oh, please".
965
00:42:10,393 --> 00:42:11,565
Like, you know, it's unnecessary.
966
00:42:11,594 --> 00:42:12,834
Are you ever peeing like,
967
00:42:12,862 --> 00:42:15,138
"How am I gonna leave here
without a Starburst?"
968
00:42:17,100 --> 00:42:18,807
"I don't like going
without somebody listening".
969
00:42:18,835 --> 00:42:20,439
No.
970
00:42:20,470 --> 00:42:22,143
I go in the bathroom the first night,
971
00:42:22,171 --> 00:42:24,947
and the bathroom attendant
stops me at the door.
972
00:42:24,974 --> 00:42:27,181
And she's like,
973
00:42:27,210 --> 00:42:29,656
"They're all full right now,
974
00:42:29,679 --> 00:42:33,024
so you're gonna have to wait a minute".
975
00:42:33,049 --> 00:42:35,529
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah,
I know how bathrooms work".
976
00:42:37,086 --> 00:42:39,191
Like, if she hadn't said that,
I was just gonna go rogue
977
00:42:39,222 --> 00:42:41,498
and start pounding on all the stalls,
978
00:42:41,524 --> 00:42:43,561
up and down with a shiv.
979
00:42:43,593 --> 00:42:45,971
"No!"
980
00:42:45,995 --> 00:42:46,996
Peeing in the sink.
981
00:42:47,030 --> 00:42:50,500
"I do what I want,
982
00:42:50,533 --> 00:42:52,979
bathroom attendant!"
983
00:42:55,438 --> 00:42:57,577
I come out. She hands me a paper towel.
984
00:42:57,607 --> 00:42:59,587
"Thank you.
985
00:42:59,609 --> 00:43:01,714
"If you hadn't saved me,
I would have just bled
986
00:43:01,744 --> 00:43:02,848
"and dripped like stigmata.
987
00:43:02,879 --> 00:43:05,052
Thank you".
988
00:43:06,883 --> 00:43:08,362
So unnecessary.
989
00:43:08,384 --> 00:43:10,386
So, the last night I'm at this club,
990
00:43:10,420 --> 00:43:11,421
I go in the bathroom.
991
00:43:11,454 --> 00:43:12,592
She's, like, facing the wall.
992
00:43:12,622 --> 00:43:13,623
So I'm like, "Oh, good".
993
00:43:13,656 --> 00:43:14,999
I go right in the stall.
994
00:43:15,024 --> 00:43:16,833
And I'm not gonna say anything gross.
995
00:43:16,859 --> 00:43:20,363
But I'm in there just
dropping a ton of heat,
996
00:43:20,396 --> 00:43:22,842
Just...
997
00:43:22,865 --> 00:43:24,173
massacring this bowl.
998
00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:26,271
Just...
999
00:43:29,405 --> 00:43:30,782
I'm texting people, like,
1000
00:43:30,807 --> 00:43:31,911
"Am I dying?"
1001
00:43:34,043 --> 00:43:35,454
It's like, "Your sister's a nurse".
1002
00:43:35,478 --> 00:43:39,119
Things like that.
1003
00:43:39,148 --> 00:43:42,425
To a lot of my family,
I just wrote, "Good-bye".
1004
00:43:45,822 --> 00:43:48,496
Like, whatever you're picturing,
like, triple it.
1005
00:43:51,327 --> 00:43:53,432
I'm sorry. None of that happened.
1006
00:43:53,463 --> 00:43:54,999
You guys, none of that happened.
1007
00:43:55,031 --> 00:43:57,238
You two, you two, none of that happened.
1008
00:43:57,266 --> 00:43:59,644
Hey, did you know there's a show?
1009
00:44:03,072 --> 00:44:06,315
Come on, you're pretty.
Just stop talking.
1010
00:44:06,342 --> 00:44:09,255
No, I appreciate you
supporting live comedy.
1011
00:44:09,278 --> 00:44:12,191
No, none of that happened.
1012
00:44:12,215 --> 00:44:13,387
I didn't really...
1013
00:44:13,416 --> 00:44:15,828
you guys... oh, my God,
you guys, then just...
1014
00:44:15,852 --> 00:44:17,092
what's go... what are
you guys talking about?
1015
00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:18,121
What's happening?
1016
00:44:18,154 --> 00:44:19,531
Oh, you love me? It's...
1017
00:44:19,555 --> 00:44:21,535
It's their anniversary.
1018
00:44:21,557 --> 00:44:23,298
Oh, my God, do you remember
that I don't care?
1019
00:44:23,326 --> 00:44:24,771
No, I'm just kidding.
1020
00:44:24,794 --> 00:44:26,501
No, that's exciting.
1021
00:44:29,132 --> 00:44:30,839
How many years?
1022
00:44:30,867 --> 00:44:34,110
I'm just kidding. I don't
care. I don't care.
1023
00:44:35,238 --> 00:44:36,581
No, I don't care.
1024
00:44:36,606 --> 00:44:37,744
No, do you guys care?
1025
00:44:37,774 --> 00:44:38,912
No? Okay, sorry.
1026
00:44:38,941 --> 00:44:40,249
Sorry, nobody cares.
1027
00:44:40,276 --> 00:44:42,756
Nobody cares.
1028
00:44:42,779 --> 00:44:44,690
No, but seriously, thank you
guys so much for coming.
1029
00:44:44,714 --> 00:44:45,715
Nobody cares.
1030
00:44:48,117 --> 00:44:49,323
What's your name?
1031
00:44:49,352 --> 00:44:50,422
Erin.
1032
00:44:50,453 --> 00:44:52,797
That was a test. Nobody cares, Erin.
1033
00:44:54,590 --> 00:44:55,864
You guys are so cute. I'm sorry.
1034
00:44:55,892 --> 00:44:57,371
Thank you for spending
your anniversary with me.
1035
00:44:57,393 --> 00:44:58,701
Mom, thank you.
1036
00:44:58,728 --> 00:45:00,207
I'm sorry you have to sit
next to your daughter
1037
00:45:00,229 --> 00:45:03,142
when I'm talking
about semen the whole time.
1038
00:45:03,166 --> 00:45:07,478
Where do you stand on ass play, Mom?
1039
00:45:07,503 --> 00:45:08,573
You're good?
1040
00:45:08,604 --> 00:45:10,845
Okay, you don't want her to
know, but you can't get enough?
1041
00:45:10,873 --> 00:45:12,546
Okay.
1042
00:45:14,644 --> 00:45:17,716
You guys won't forget this anniversary.
1043
00:45:21,884 --> 00:45:23,522
What am I... what am I talking about?
1044
00:45:23,553 --> 00:45:24,691
Like, what was I talking about
1045
00:45:24,721 --> 00:45:25,791
before I just talked to you guys?
1046
00:45:25,822 --> 00:45:27,199
Does anybody remember? Shitting.
1047
00:45:33,129 --> 00:45:35,109
I love you guys.
1048
00:45:35,131 --> 00:45:36,667
I fucking love this crowd.
1049
00:45:41,404 --> 00:45:43,281
The sweetest voice too.
1050
00:45:43,306 --> 00:45:45,308
"Shitting".
1051
00:45:46,909 --> 00:45:48,752
Oh, God, I wish that happened.
1052
00:45:48,778 --> 00:45:50,724
Like, I wish I was
able to... to do that.
1053
00:45:50,747 --> 00:45:52,624
But I did, I just...
1054
00:45:52,648 --> 00:45:53,956
she was facing the wall,
1055
00:45:53,983 --> 00:45:56,224
and I'm like... I hear
that she's crying,
1056
00:45:56,252 --> 00:45:57,663
so I'm like,
1057
00:45:57,687 --> 00:46:01,362
"Excuse me. I'm about
to wash my hands, so you...
1058
00:46:01,390 --> 00:46:02,596
"you better get fucking ready."
1059
00:46:08,631 --> 00:46:09,974
No, she's crying.
1060
00:46:09,999 --> 00:46:11,205
No, I was like, "Well, what's wrong?
1061
00:46:11,234 --> 00:46:12,406
"Like, is it your choices?
1062
00:46:12,435 --> 00:46:14,540
Like, what's..."
1063
00:46:16,839 --> 00:46:18,750
No, I asked her what was
wrong, and she was like...
1064
00:46:18,775 --> 00:46:20,652
she told me, she
was like, "My dog died".
1065
00:46:20,676 --> 00:46:22,713
So I was like, "I'm so
sorry. I've been there.
1066
00:46:22,745 --> 00:46:24,019
"I'm gonna go get us some shots.
1067
00:46:24,046 --> 00:46:25,525
"We're gonna get weird
in here tonight, okay?
1068
00:46:25,548 --> 00:46:27,391
You and me".
1069
00:46:27,416 --> 00:46:29,657
And she goes, "it
just really doesn't feel
1070
00:46:29,685 --> 00:46:32,063
like six years ago".
1071
00:46:34,557 --> 00:46:35,695
What do you say?
1072
00:46:35,725 --> 00:46:36,965
I just looked right at her and just...
1073
00:46:40,696 --> 00:46:41,834
What do you do?
1074
00:46:41,864 --> 00:46:43,002
I found the owner, I was like,
1075
00:46:43,032 --> 00:46:44,773
"She's doing a ton of blow in there.
1076
00:46:44,801 --> 00:46:47,281
You should get rid of her".
1077
00:46:51,340 --> 00:46:53,183
I...
1078
00:46:53,209 --> 00:46:54,813
I've been really enjoying
being on the road
1079
00:46:54,844 --> 00:46:57,791
ever since the roast, because
I've been on the road, like,
1080
00:46:57,814 --> 00:47:00,090
for years, but...
1081
00:47:00,116 --> 00:47:01,652
but people had no idea who I was,
1082
00:47:01,684 --> 00:47:03,288
so they would see a picture
of me, and they'd be like,
1083
00:47:03,319 --> 00:47:04,457
"Oh, she looks sweet.
1084
00:47:04,487 --> 00:47:07,263
"She kind of looks, like,
Amish, you know?
1085
00:47:07,290 --> 00:47:11,568
"Like... kind of
Cabbage Patchy up top, right?
1086
00:47:11,594 --> 00:47:12,937
"We should bring the family.
1087
00:47:12,962 --> 00:47:14,305
I bet she talks about, like, shopping".
1088
00:47:14,330 --> 00:47:16,776
And then they get here,
and I'm like, "My pussy..."
1089
00:47:22,772 --> 00:47:24,012
but it's way better now,
1090
00:47:24,040 --> 00:47:25,451
'cause, like, a lot
of people saw that roast,
1091
00:47:25,474 --> 00:47:27,454
and they just are like,
"Oh, she's, like, a bad person".
1092
00:47:27,476 --> 00:47:29,717
So that means you guys are dirtbags too,
1093
00:47:29,745 --> 00:47:32,589
and I appreciate you coming out.
1094
00:47:32,615 --> 00:47:34,151
You are bad people.
1095
00:47:37,753 --> 00:47:41,223
Thank you, bad people.
1096
00:47:41,257 --> 00:47:42,600
But I've been really lucky.
1097
00:47:42,625 --> 00:47:45,572
Like, my whole life, I found
friends just like me.
1098
00:47:45,595 --> 00:47:47,597
Like, at a young age, I found
girls that were just like me.
1099
00:47:47,630 --> 00:47:49,166
Like, we were all whores.
1100
00:47:49,198 --> 00:47:50,233
You know?
1101
00:47:50,266 --> 00:47:52,769
Just little drunks running around.
1102
00:47:52,802 --> 00:47:54,839
But in every group of girlfriends,
1103
00:47:54,871 --> 00:47:57,545
there's always, like, one
that's the sluttiest, you know?
1104
00:47:57,573 --> 00:47:59,985
If you don't have that friend,
you're that friend.
1105
00:48:00,009 --> 00:48:02,011
Let's be real.
1106
00:48:03,379 --> 00:48:05,359
And it wasn't me in my group of friends.
1107
00:48:05,381 --> 00:48:07,327
Shocker was my nickname.
1108
00:48:14,023 --> 00:48:15,696
But, no, in my group
of friends... in my...
1109
00:48:15,725 --> 00:48:17,534
the sluttiest of us was this girl Katie.
1110
00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:19,335
And... we didn't judge her for that.
1111
00:48:19,362 --> 00:48:20,932
But she... she wouldn't own it.
1112
00:48:20,963 --> 00:48:23,068
Like as soon as she
would have a boyfriend,
1113
00:48:23,099 --> 00:48:25,545
she'd start acting like Mother
Teresa, you know?
1114
00:48:25,568 --> 00:48:26,774
She'd, like, walk different.
1115
00:48:26,802 --> 00:48:28,213
She talked differently.
1116
00:48:28,237 --> 00:48:29,238
Like, I remember one time
1117
00:48:29,272 --> 00:48:30,444
she walked over with her new boyfriend,
1118
00:48:30,473 --> 00:48:31,508
she was like,
1119
00:48:31,540 --> 00:48:35,647
"Adam and I are thrilled
you could join us for brunch".
1120
00:48:35,678 --> 00:48:38,659
I was like, "I've helped you
get cum out of your hair".
1121
00:48:43,953 --> 00:48:45,591
"Remember, we tried using peanut butter
1122
00:48:45,621 --> 00:48:47,123
'cause we're stupid, remember?"
1123
00:48:50,293 --> 00:48:54,571
We didn't talk about that
at brunch with Adam.
1124
00:48:54,597 --> 00:48:59,205
So she moved to Connecticut
and, like, was getting married,
1125
00:48:59,235 --> 00:49:00,646
and she had a wedding shower there.
1126
00:49:00,670 --> 00:49:02,581
And I was the only friend
from home that could go.
1127
00:49:02,605 --> 00:49:05,381
So I met all of her new,
fancy Connecticut friends.
1128
00:49:05,408 --> 00:49:06,751
And, like, you know women like this.
1129
00:49:06,776 --> 00:49:08,084
Like, these girls,
1130
00:49:08,110 --> 00:49:10,454
they were all, like,
very Stepford wife, you know?
1131
00:49:10,479 --> 00:49:12,015
They all, like, wore, like,
1132
00:49:12,048 --> 00:49:15,120
pastel cashmere cardigans and pearls
1133
00:49:15,151 --> 00:49:17,961
and Burberry, like, tampons.
1134
00:49:19,989 --> 00:49:22,799
And they all spoke like this,
like almost in a whisper.
1135
00:49:22,825 --> 00:49:24,168
Like, they all were...
1136
00:49:24,193 --> 00:49:26,503
everybody just walked around
whispering to each other.
1137
00:49:26,529 --> 00:49:28,031
Like, "Oh, I guess we were just born
1138
00:49:28,064 --> 00:49:29,839
"with different vocal cords
1139
00:49:29,865 --> 00:49:31,173
'cause I was raised better.
1140
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:32,611
Do you ski?"
1141
00:49:36,372 --> 00:49:38,249
So I'm at this party,
1142
00:49:38,274 --> 00:49:40,117
and I'm, like, mainlining chardonnay,
1143
00:49:40,142 --> 00:49:41,883
trying to remember fun.
1144
00:49:44,180 --> 00:49:45,955
Just like, "Why?"
1145
00:49:45,982 --> 00:49:49,953
So one of the girls was like,
"Let's play a game".
1146
00:49:49,986 --> 00:49:53,092
And I'm like,
"Suicide pact? I'll go first.
1147
00:49:53,122 --> 00:49:55,625
This party's the worst".
1148
00:49:55,658 --> 00:49:57,467
And she goes, "No, let's all go around
1149
00:49:57,493 --> 00:49:59,837
and admit something".
1150
00:49:59,862 --> 00:50:02,069
And I'm like, "Oh, no".
1151
00:50:04,633 --> 00:50:06,044
So these girls are going around.
1152
00:50:06,068 --> 00:50:07,877
They are... the shit
they're admitting is so boring.
1153
00:50:07,903 --> 00:50:09,541
I can't... like, one girl was like,
1154
00:50:09,572 --> 00:50:11,552
"Once, I forgot to let
the dog out all day!"
1155
00:50:11,574 --> 00:50:14,111
And they were all like, "No!"
1156
00:50:16,946 --> 00:50:20,052
I'm like, "Is this
happening right now?"
1157
00:50:20,082 --> 00:50:23,029
So the girl that goes right
before me, Bridget,
1158
00:50:23,052 --> 00:50:25,157
the worst human I've ever met.
1159
00:50:25,187 --> 00:50:26,393
I hope she sees this.
1160
00:50:26,422 --> 00:50:28,732
That's how bad of a person she is.
1161
00:50:30,026 --> 00:50:33,098
Like, Bridget, I
hope you're watching this.
1162
00:50:33,129 --> 00:50:34,130
But she wouldn't.
1163
00:50:34,163 --> 00:50:37,906
She wouldn't be up this late.
1164
00:50:37,933 --> 00:50:39,037
She spoke the softest.
1165
00:50:39,068 --> 00:50:40,376
You had to, like, lean in and squint
1166
00:50:40,403 --> 00:50:41,882
and read her lips, 'cause she just...
1167
00:50:41,904 --> 00:50:44,885
Bridget talked like an angel
1168
00:50:44,907 --> 00:50:46,682
was sleeping on her tongue.
1169
00:50:51,414 --> 00:50:53,587
# No one wake the angel
1170
00:50:53,616 --> 00:50:56,426
# On my tongue
1171
00:50:56,452 --> 00:50:57,590
That's not a real song,
1172
00:50:57,620 --> 00:50:59,031
Comedy Central.
1173
00:51:02,625 --> 00:51:04,127
So, anyway, she's like,
1174
00:51:04,160 --> 00:51:05,537
"All right, you guys, it's my turn.
1175
00:51:05,561 --> 00:51:07,063
Bring it in".
1176
00:51:07,096 --> 00:51:08,632
And we're like, "We're
in 'cause we have to be,
1177
00:51:08,664 --> 00:51:10,701
'cause you talk like Fievel".
1178
00:51:12,535 --> 00:51:15,311
Use your diaphragm, Bridge.
1179
00:51:15,337 --> 00:51:16,338
So she's like,
1180
00:51:16,372 --> 00:51:17,749
"I'll admit this.
1181
00:51:17,773 --> 00:51:21,220
"Sometimes after Richard falls asleep,
1182
00:51:21,243 --> 00:51:23,917
I get up and eat ice cream".
1183
00:51:25,881 --> 00:51:28,361
I just wanted to find one
other pair of eyes being like,
1184
00:51:28,384 --> 00:51:31,092
"What a dumb cunt, right?"
1185
00:51:31,120 --> 00:51:32,929
But nothing. No one.
1186
00:51:32,955 --> 00:51:37,233
They're all looking at her like,
"Bridget! You should be asleep".
1187
00:51:39,562 --> 00:51:44,102
"Bridget, it's night. Carbs? Come on".
1188
00:51:46,035 --> 00:51:47,241
So then it's my turn,
1189
00:51:47,269 --> 00:51:49,806
and... I don't look at my friend Katie.
1190
00:51:49,839 --> 00:51:52,911
I just feel her just glaring
at me, just like,
1191
00:51:52,942 --> 00:51:56,913
"Don't be yourself right now, bitch!
1192
00:51:56,946 --> 00:51:59,017
This is my new life".
1193
00:51:59,048 --> 00:52:00,288
And so I'm like,
1194
00:52:00,316 --> 00:52:03,195
"Okay... first of all, Bridget,
1195
00:52:03,219 --> 00:52:05,699
thank you for being so brave".
1196
00:52:11,660 --> 00:52:13,571
"I'll admit this.
1197
00:52:13,596 --> 00:52:16,736
"It's kind of like your ice cream thing.
1198
00:52:16,765 --> 00:52:19,473
"One time
1199
00:52:19,502 --> 00:52:23,211
I let a cab driver finger me".
1200
00:52:39,655 --> 00:52:40,963
And Katie's like,
1201
00:52:40,990 --> 00:52:42,628
"That's not how you play, Amy".
1202
00:52:42,658 --> 00:52:44,660
I'm like, "Really?
'Cause I feel like I won.
1203
00:52:44,693 --> 00:52:47,401
I feel..." You guys,
you were an amazing crowd.
1204
00:52:47,429 --> 00:52:49,272
Thank you so much.
1205
00:53:21,730 --> 00:53:25,542
I feel like this is
what I would feel like,
1206
00:53:25,568 --> 00:53:28,549
like, if I ever kept a baby.
1207
00:53:28,571 --> 00:53:31,347
You know, like, this kind of joy.
1208
00:53:49,325 --> 00:53:51,737
Thank you guys so much.
1209
00:53:56,432 --> 00:53:58,139
Thank you.
1210
00:53:58,167 --> 00:54:00,169
Fuck, thank you.
1211
00:54:02,905 --> 00:54:06,682
Oh!
1212
00:54:06,709 --> 00:54:09,690
I want to jerk you
all off, even the girls.
1213
00:54:09,712 --> 00:54:11,453
Even the girls.
1214
00:54:11,480 --> 00:54:12,959
Guys, thank you.
1215
00:54:12,982 --> 00:54:14,290
I really, really appreciate it.
1216
00:54:14,316 --> 00:54:15,886
I know you guys are thinking like,
1217
00:54:15,918 --> 00:54:17,226
"What are you doing back out here?"
1218
00:54:17,253 --> 00:54:18,596
And some of you were just thinking like,
1219
00:54:18,621 --> 00:54:22,000
"You're so pretty".
1220
00:54:22,024 --> 00:54:23,503
Thank all of you.
1221
00:54:23,525 --> 00:54:25,562
But I wanted to come out
and just sort of, like,
1222
00:54:25,594 --> 00:54:27,904
give you an opportunity if
anybody wants to ask a question,
1223
00:54:27,930 --> 00:54:29,341
like, now it's the time.
1224
00:54:29,365 --> 00:54:31,311
It doesn't have to be about my set.
1225
00:54:31,333 --> 00:54:32,505
Yeah? What's your name?
1226
00:54:32,534 --> 00:54:34,241
And what... what actor are you?
1227
00:54:36,772 --> 00:54:38,149
I'm Cubed.
1228
00:54:38,173 --> 00:54:39,174
What?
1229
00:54:39,208 --> 00:54:40,482
My name's Cubed.
1230
00:54:40,509 --> 00:54:42,216
Cubed?
1231
00:54:42,244 --> 00:54:44,383
Does anybody different have a question?
1232
00:54:45,481 --> 00:54:46,983
With a name that makes sense?
1233
00:54:47,016 --> 00:54:49,121
No, I'm just kidding.
What... what happened?
1234
00:54:49,151 --> 00:54:50,824
Where... where are your parents from?
1235
00:54:50,853 --> 00:54:51,957
What are you doing later?
1236
00:54:51,987 --> 00:54:52,988
What am I doing later?
1237
00:54:53,022 --> 00:54:54,092
Ooh, Cubed.
1238
00:54:54,123 --> 00:54:56,034
Do you have HPV? Do you want it?
1239
00:55:00,696 --> 00:55:03,802
I haven't drank in two months,
getting ready for this.
1240
00:55:03,832 --> 00:55:06,642
So I'm gonna, like, black out.
1241
00:55:06,669 --> 00:55:08,671
If anybody wants to get down with me,
1242
00:55:08,704 --> 00:55:10,274
like, sexually,
1243
00:55:10,306 --> 00:55:13,344
tonight is not the night.
1244
00:55:13,375 --> 00:55:15,446
But, yes, I'm gonna tie one on.
1245
00:55:15,477 --> 00:55:18,924
Anybody... yes, you,
sir. What's your name?
1246
00:55:18,947 --> 00:55:20,392
- Rick.
- Hi, Rick.
1247
00:55:20,416 --> 00:55:22,293
I want to give you a standing
1248
00:55:22,318 --> 00:55:24,764
I think we all should
give you a standing ovation.
1249
00:55:27,089 --> 00:55:29,660
This guy's sad 'cause he's wasted.
1250
00:55:29,692 --> 00:55:32,798
You don't have to... thank you.
1251
00:55:32,828 --> 00:55:36,105
This is good for the camera.
1252
00:55:38,934 --> 00:55:40,436
Wow.
1253
00:55:40,469 --> 00:55:42,142
Thank you.
1254
00:55:44,807 --> 00:55:46,718
Okay, okay. Thank you.
1255
00:55:46,742 --> 00:55:48,551
That was... that was nice.
1256
00:55:48,577 --> 00:55:49,885
A lot of people weren't into it.
1257
00:55:49,912 --> 00:55:52,119
Like, a lot of people got up
and were just kind of, like...
1258
00:55:53,315 --> 00:55:55,795
"Our reservations were,
like, ten minutes ago.
1259
00:55:55,818 --> 00:55:57,525
When's this bitch gonna wrap it up?"
1260
00:55:57,553 --> 00:56:00,090
Yes, you, gorgeous. Hi.
1261
00:56:00,122 --> 00:56:01,396
Can I buy you a drink,
1262
00:56:01,423 --> 00:56:04,233
possibly have a cocktail
with you at some point?
1263
00:56:04,259 --> 00:56:05,260
Ooh, this is awesome.
1264
00:56:05,294 --> 00:56:06,739
You can definitely buy me a drink.
1265
00:56:06,762 --> 00:56:08,400
I don't... I'm not gay.
1266
00:56:08,430 --> 00:56:10,535
I mean, I've caught a
finger. I'm not boring.
1267
00:56:10,566 --> 00:56:12,568
Trust me.
1268
00:56:12,601 --> 00:56:14,603
But, yeah, I could totally
see that happening.
1269
00:56:14,636 --> 00:56:16,445
I don't think that
would be weird at all.
1270
00:56:16,472 --> 00:56:18,008
Your boyfriend doesn't seem too psyched,
1271
00:56:18,040 --> 00:56:21,021
but he's all fired up about Pride.
1272
00:56:21,043 --> 00:56:22,716
Oh, yes, you. Hi.
1273
00:56:22,745 --> 00:56:27,091
So... who is your comedy mentor?
1274
00:56:27,116 --> 00:56:28,459
My comedy mentor.
1275
00:56:28,484 --> 00:56:30,259
That's a good question.
1276
00:56:30,285 --> 00:56:33,357
I hang out with
mostly 45-year-old dudes.
1277
00:56:33,389 --> 00:56:34,925
Thank you.
1278
00:56:34,957 --> 00:56:36,698
They're all comedians.
They're alcoholics.
1279
00:56:36,725 --> 00:56:39,467
Like, they don't drink anymore
'cause they can't, you know?
1280
00:56:39,495 --> 00:56:40,530
And it makes sense,
1281
00:56:40,562 --> 00:56:42,303
because, like, they look
at me, and they're just like,
1282
00:56:42,331 --> 00:56:43,435
"Oh, my God".
1283
00:56:43,465 --> 00:56:46,412
Like, they think I'm so hot
just 'cause I'm not their wives.
1284
00:56:47,536 --> 00:56:48,606
I walk in, they're like...
1285
00:56:48,637 --> 00:56:50,310
# Who's that girl? #
1286
00:56:50,339 --> 00:56:51,477
I'm like, "What?"
1287
00:56:51,507 --> 00:56:53,509
But out, like, you know, in the streets,
1288
00:56:53,542 --> 00:56:55,283
people are just throwing
lit cigarettes at me.
1289
00:56:55,310 --> 00:56:57,620
They're like, "Ugh, pass".
1290
00:56:57,646 --> 00:57:01,150
So, like, Dave Attell and Jim Norton.
1291
00:57:02,317 --> 00:57:04,456
Right?
1292
00:57:05,587 --> 00:57:07,362
And so... yeah, you
gotta love those guys.
1293
00:57:07,389 --> 00:57:08,959
Yeah... yes.
1294
00:57:08,991 --> 00:57:10,561
- Of women...
- Women.
1295
00:57:10,592 --> 00:57:12,868
- Comics, who is your mentor?
- Okay.
1296
00:57:12,895 --> 00:57:16,365
Okay, well, Jessica
Kirson was my mentor.
1297
00:57:16,398 --> 00:57:18,207
Like, she's in New York,
and she's amazing.
1298
00:57:18,233 --> 00:57:20,179
And then... sort of where she left off,
1299
00:57:20,202 --> 00:57:22,739
I just like... my mentor, like,
those guys took me on the road
1300
00:57:22,771 --> 00:57:24,773
to open for them a lot, so that's why.
1301
00:57:24,807 --> 00:57:26,650
But I grew up loving Gilda
1302
00:57:26,675 --> 00:57:28,586
and Goldie Hawn,
1303
00:57:28,610 --> 00:57:31,523
and I love Margaret Cho,
and Sarah... Palin.
1304
00:57:31,547 --> 00:57:32,719
I'm just kidding.
1305
00:57:35,317 --> 00:57:36,819
You, sir.
1306
00:57:36,852 --> 00:57:38,331
What's your feeling on anal bleaching?
1307
00:57:38,353 --> 00:57:39,388
Anal bleaching.
1308
00:57:39,421 --> 00:57:41,492
I'm glad somebody brought this up.
1309
00:57:43,459 --> 00:57:44,767
That's a great question.
1310
00:57:44,793 --> 00:57:46,864
Okay, so here's how I feel about it.
1311
00:57:46,895 --> 00:57:48,101
When I heard about it, I was just like,
1312
00:57:48,130 --> 00:57:50,041
"Ew, everybody, chill out".
1313
00:57:50,065 --> 00:57:51,635
But then I looked at my own asshole,
1314
00:57:51,667 --> 00:57:54,739
and I was like, "Whoa!
1315
00:57:54,770 --> 00:57:56,477
"That looks like something
out of the universe.
1316
00:57:56,505 --> 00:57:57,643
Maybe we should hook that up".
1317
00:57:57,673 --> 00:57:59,380
But I still haven't done anything.
1318
00:57:59,408 --> 00:58:02,412
But I keep a low pro, butt-wise.
1319
00:58:02,444 --> 00:58:04,151
You... I'm doing God's work.
1320
00:58:04,179 --> 00:58:05,920
I mean, am I healing people? Yes?
1321
00:58:05,948 --> 00:58:07,655
What's your favorite city?
1322
00:58:07,683 --> 00:58:08,923
My favorite city?
1323
00:58:08,951 --> 00:58:10,259
New York City...
1324
00:58:10,285 --> 00:58:13,061
Yeah...
1325
00:58:13,088 --> 00:58:17,059
Sorry, one girl's like, "Boo".
1326
00:58:17,092 --> 00:58:19,902
I like Madison, Wisconsin.
1327
00:58:21,563 --> 00:58:22,598
Nice.
1328
00:58:22,631 --> 00:58:24,633
And I think Cleveland's the worst.
1329
00:58:28,036 --> 00:58:30,983
Yes, you, sir?
1330
00:58:31,006 --> 00:58:32,280
Why is your sister here?
1331
00:58:32,307 --> 00:58:34,048
Why is my sister here?
1332
00:58:34,076 --> 00:58:36,750
You know what? I have no idea.
1333
00:58:36,778 --> 00:58:38,587
I didn't fly her in. She showed up.
1334
00:58:38,614 --> 00:58:40,150
She shows up wherever I am.
1335
00:58:40,182 --> 00:58:44,756
My sister is here because...
1336
00:58:44,786 --> 00:58:46,663
she's my best friend in the whole world,
1337
00:58:46,688 --> 00:58:48,998
and I love her and
trust her more than anyone.
1338
00:58:49,024 --> 00:58:51,368
And I dedicate this show to her.
1339
00:58:52,761 --> 00:58:56,504
And I want to thank my mom,
who's not a cunt at all.
1340
00:58:56,532 --> 00:58:58,034
My mom... please clap for my mom.
1341
00:58:58,066 --> 00:58:59,409
She's not a cunt.
1342
00:59:00,636 --> 00:59:03,310
But her bush was huge
when I was growing up.
1343
00:59:03,338 --> 00:59:05,045
That was true.
1344
00:59:05,073 --> 00:59:07,576
Okay, yeah?
1345
00:59:07,609 --> 00:59:10,146
Do you have to pee as bad as I do?
1346
00:59:10,178 --> 00:59:12,124
Oh, okay, she has to pee,
and she's really pretty.
1347
00:59:12,147 --> 00:59:13,353
So everyone's, like,
1348
00:59:13,382 --> 00:59:14,827
given her whatever
she wants her whole life.
1349
00:59:20,656 --> 00:59:21,964
I don't have to pee at all.
1350
00:59:21,990 --> 00:59:23,298
It's pretty sweet.
1351
00:59:23,325 --> 00:59:26,238
I feel, like, physically,
real comfortable up here.
1352
00:59:26,261 --> 00:59:27,740
I could hang out.
1353
00:59:27,763 --> 00:59:29,071
If you don't mind,
1354
00:59:29,097 --> 00:59:31,373
I'm gonna do my 90-minute
one-woman show now.
1355
00:59:38,206 --> 00:59:39,241
Thank you.
1356
00:59:39,274 --> 00:59:41,083
Thank you, Comedy Central,
1357
00:59:41,109 --> 00:59:42,554
and thank you guys.
1358
00:59:42,578 --> 00:59:43,989
Thank you.
1359
00:59:56,058 --> 00:59:58,436
Oh, God, Dad died.
1360
00:59:58,460 --> 01:00:00,462
When?
1361
01:00:00,495 --> 01:00:02,907
I guess, like, today.
1362
01:00:06,368 --> 01:00:08,644
Are you gonna talk about it onstage?
1363
01:00:08,670 --> 01:00:09,671
Yeah.
1364
01:00:09,705 --> 01:00:11,013
Yeah? You should open with it.
97499
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