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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Hello and welcome to QI,
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where tonight
we've gone totally tubular.
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Let's see who's around.
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Firing on all cylinders,
it's Sara Pascoe.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Channelling her inner tube,
it's Bridget Christie.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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The light at the end of my tunnel,
it's Deborah Frances-White.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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And in the conservatory
with the lead piping,
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it's Alan Davies.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Please mind the gap between the
train and the platform.
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This service will be stopping
at the following stations.
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Sara goes...
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# Winding your way down on
Baker Street... #
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Bridget goes...
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# When I get to Warwick Avenue... #
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Deborah goes...
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# Waterloo, I was defeated
You won the war... #
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And Alan goes...
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# Ealing Broadway, Fulham Broadway,
Tooting Broadway, Arsenal
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# Stockwell, Chigwell, Seven Sisters
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# Blackhorse Road, Blackfriars,
Temple
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# East Acton, Oval, Bow Road... #
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RECORDING SPEEDS UP RAPIDLY
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MIMICS TAPE BEING CHEWED UP
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EXPLOSION
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Right, question one - what can you
do on the London Underground
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in summer that a cow can't?
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Find the Central line,
cos they can't see red.
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Oh! So, inadvertently, you're
heading in the right direction.
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Central line is the clue.
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Central line is the clue?
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Central line is the hottest
of the lines.
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Yes, that is correct.
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What people do on a really hot
Tube in the summer
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is say, "They wouldn't even
treat livestock like this."
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You couldn't say that if you're a
cow, cos you are livestock.
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LAUGHTER
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That is actually, weirdly,
the correct answer.
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So...
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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The Central line is the hottest line
on the Tube.
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It regularly reaches
temperatures in the summer
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that exceed the legal limit
for transporting cattle. Oh!
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In 2019, a journalist recorded
a temperature of 36.6 Centigrade,
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100 degrees Fahrenheit,
in old money,
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on a Central line carriage when
leaving Mile End.
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So one of the problems is, it's one
of the early lines.
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And those early engineers,
they didn't leave any space
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around the trains for ventilation
or air conditioning and so on.
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So it's snugly wrapped
in the surrounding clay,
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a bit like a blanket.
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But here's a really good thing.
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What do you think they do now
with the abandoned stations,
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of which there are several?
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Do they put big air conditioners in?
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Well, that'd be pointless. It's
abandoned. I don't know quite how...
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Listen, I don't know a lot about air
conditioning, as is apparent. Yeah.
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But I wondered if they could use
it at the next station
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and somehow puff it down the line.
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You're right. You don't know very
much...
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I'm going to give you a point
for not knowing very much.
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In fact, they use them as
heat reservoirs,
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which warm homes in the winter.
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So City Road,
in the Old Street area,
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currently heats 1,000
homes in Islington.
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So it's almost what I said, only
the opposite of what I said.
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I live in Islington.
How do I know if it's my house?
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I would ring up and ask.
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My house does smell like the Tube,
though.
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That may be just you need to throw
some of those nappies away.
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Some of them have beds in,
don't they?
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Yeah, Down Street has got baths
and showers. Nice!
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You wouldn't mind living in an
underground station. It'd be nice.
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I wouldn't like it. Oh, why?
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I need a window.
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You can probably have a window
but there's nothing to see.
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That's the only thing. Yeah, just a
window propped up on the side.
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That's Bridget's window.
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Before the Tube, first tunnel in
London, any thoughts?
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Under the Thames? Yes, under the
Thames. Greenwich Foot Tunnel?
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No, the Thames Tunnel.
The Thames Tunnel? Yes.
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Where's that one?
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So, it was started in 1825 and it
still has trains going through it.
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That is a picture of it, entitled
A Correct View of the Thames Tunnel.
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It was the first time engineers
had tunnelled under a major river.
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Sir Marc Brunel, Isambard's father.
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He said he worked out how to do it
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by watching shipworms pooing.
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Yeah. So, when a shipworm,
technically called a Teredo,
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burrows into wood, its head is
protected
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by a sort of tough, helmet-like
shell,
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and it digests the wood
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and then it excretes it out behind
itself as a sort of hard residue
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that lines the tunnel and
strengthens it - it's really clever.
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So clever. Isn't it brilliant,
right?
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And he imitated this
with a tunnelling shield.
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So it was an iron grid, right?
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And it pressed against the face
of the tunnel when the workers
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were digging out the earth
between the grid squares.
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And as they did that,
others followed behind
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and reinforced the tunnel
that they were creating.
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It took about 16 years to complete.
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They progressed about four inches
every day.
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Who hasn't been there?
LAUGHTER
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And it was never really suitable
for horse-drawn vehicles.
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In the end, it was just filled
by souvenir sellers.
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And that Correct View,
passive-aggressive labelling
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of that picture. Yeah?
Was that one illustrator having...
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..throwing some shade
at another illustrator?
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No, it was throwing shade
at the fact that it should
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have been just nice ladies
and gentlemen walking up and down.
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And in fact, it was full of vagrants
and acrobats and ne'er-do-wells.
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Acrobats? Yeah.
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People used to go down
and entertain... Street entertainers.
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They love a tunnel.
LAUGHTER
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The past is a very odd place,
isn't it? Yeah.
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I don't know if you remember
the 580-tonne
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Channel Tunnel boring machine.
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Do you remember that?
Yeah, I do. I do remember it.
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I pitched a novel, which was
about some people who wanted
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to save the remaining
endangered species. Mm?
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So, what they did was
they wiped out humanity
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by using that boring machine to...
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So, anyway, it didn't get
commissioned.
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LAUGHTER
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"No, thank you."
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For a while, the machine,
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once they'd finished
the Channel Tunnel, it was for sale.
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It was sold in 2004 for just under
£40,000 to a bidder on eBay.
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No. Yeah.
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Price did not include delivery.
No returns.
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That's the thing.
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Would you have bought such a thing?
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I'd like to have just had it,
put it in the garden.
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It'd be quite interesting.
I think... How big is your garden?
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Quite a lot bigger, if you had that.
Yeah, that's so true.
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LAUGHTER
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If your normal amount of...
You know, you have money,
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you have a debit card, occasionally
you do go on eBay.
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You're drunk.
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You think, "I don't have
any roller-skates."
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You buy them, you forget about it.
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Next Wednesday, the postman comes,
"Oh, my gosh, who got me these?"
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Um...
LAUGHTER
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But it would be good
if you bought that, right?
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And there was never any use for it,
ever. Yeah.
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And then, like,
some natural disaster happened
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or something. Yeah. So, you go,
"I've got..." And you go,
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"I've got the thing for the job."
Yeah.
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"And everyone laughed at me
when I bought it." Mm.
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"And now who's laughing?" Yeah.
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LAUGHTER
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"Cos you can't use it..." No.
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"..unless you give me
loads of money."
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Oh. A similar thing happened to me
at an auction... OK.
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..which is that I bought a painting
of a cat that was dressed
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in human clothes, and it was £50.
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And at the auction, I expected
everyone to go,
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"Oh," you know, and for it to go
up to hundreds of pounds.
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But it was... I think it
was...started at 50 or something.
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And I went like that,
and the auctioneer went,
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"Thank God that's gone.
It gives me the creeps."
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SANDI GASPS
Oh. Oh, unkind.
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And then everyone else laughed
at me. But who's laughing now?
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Yeah. Cos it's in my living room.
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LAUGHTER
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And there will be a natural disaster
involving cats, and I'll have...
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Yeah. You'll have the very thing.
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..the thing.
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You're laughing now, but, you know,
something's going to happen.
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I know what it's going to be. Yeah?
Yeah?
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I think it's going to be, like,
the cat revolution... Yeah?
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..when they finally make
human beings subservient to them.
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That's exactly... And you'll be
the only one they forgive
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cos they'll go,
"She was respectful."
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They'll come into my house
to arrest me. Right.
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And... The cats? Yeah, the cats.
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And they'll be wearing
human clothes by then.
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They'll be standing up, going...
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Do you want to make some notes
for your novel, darling.
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Sara will come in
in a tunnelling machine.
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I'm really worried about this,
because all I've got
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is a bumper sticker that says,
"So many cats, so few recipes."
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And I just think...
LAUGHTER
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You are not long for this world.
After the glorious revolution...
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Meow!
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It's a terrible thing, though,
buying at auction.
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I was at Epsom Racecourse once,
and I was asked if I would
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auction off a racehorse.
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And they used to do it in guineas,
apparently.
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So, I said, "Go on, who'll start me
off at 1,000 guineas?"
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And nobody moved. And I said, "I'll
start us off at 1,000 guineas."
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I was the last person that bid.
Oh, no!
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And I've come in the sports car.
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I have no idea how
I'm going to get it home.
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Did you actually have
to take the racehorse?
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No, very nicely, the man
who sold it to me bought it back.
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Sorry, guinea...? Not guinea pigs?
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Guineas.
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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I actually think 1,000 guinea pigs
is a really good...
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It's a good buy, isn't it?
It's a good buy. That's a good...
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For one horse?! Yeah. I feel...
That's a lot of guinea pigs.
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00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,760
I think that's too many guinea pigs
for one horse. For one horse?
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I think you should get two horses.
Two horses for 1,000....
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I can't believe we're having
this conversation.
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But when there's a guinea pig
revolution... Guinea pig revolution.
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00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,920
Bridget? Yes. Enough now.
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00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,640
What's as long as a telephone pole,
and comes out of a person?
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Oh, I know this guy.
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It's not true. No.
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It's just what he puts in his bio.
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00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:03,600
I think it's got to be something
communicated, hasn't it?
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00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,640
OK, it is to do with sound,
certainly.
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Maybe this will help you.
Have a listen to this.
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TUBA PLAYS A MELODY
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That's a tuba. It is a tuba.
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It is Tubby the Tuba.
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00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,640
As long as a telephone pole -
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00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:22,640
that's how far you can make air
travel through an ordinary tuba.
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00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:25,040
So, if you press on the valves
in trumpets and tubas,
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00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,920
it effectively makes
the instrument longer.
228
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,600
If you press down on the valves,
then your breath travels a distance
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00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:35,280
of just over 30 feet,
which is an average telephone pole
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00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:39,800
or a London bus, or three-quarters
of the height of a brachiosaurus,
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00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,040
if that's how you measure things.
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Can you tell us in guinea pigs?
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Yeah.
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00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:48,400
The air will take even longer
if you are playing
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00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,560
the subcontrabass tuba.
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00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,000
This is an incredible thing.
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00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,120
It is a seven-foot-tall tuba.
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00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,920
It usually takes two,
sometimes three, people to play it.
239
00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,000
There's only four that remain today.
240
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,080
The one that is playable
is at Harvard University.
241
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:03,360
Look at that thing. Wow.
242
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,600
Nobody's really sure, originally,
where it came from.
243
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,600
Maybe somebody was trying
to stand out by having
244
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,400
a seven-foot tuba. That would do it.
245
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,600
That would certainly do it.
LAUGHTER
246
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:15,240
There's been a spate of tuba thefts
in the US in the past 20 years.
247
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:18,000
Smuggled, we believe,
over the Mexican border.
248
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,120
Can you have a 20-year spate?
249
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:25,840
Oh, I think if you measure things
as brachiosauruses, then probably.
250
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,520
There's been a spate of Christianity
over the last 2,000 years.
251
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,680
Why are they worth so much
in Mexico?
252
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,720
There's a kind of music
called Banda.
253
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,120
It's a genre of Mexican music.
254
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,520
It dates from the mid-1800s
and it's fantastically popular.
255
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:46,520
I don't like watching people
blowing things because a lot of...
256
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:50,680
No, because a lot of people
aren't really, really fit. Right.
257
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:53,160
And you're just thinking,
"I think they're going to die."
258
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,240
OK. Do you want to see a clip
of somebody playing?
259
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,440
No, because I bet
they're going all red...
260
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,800
I tell you what - you shut your eyes
and I'll let you know
261
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,520
if they're going red. If they look
fit, like they run or something.
262
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,240
OK, here we go.
Let's have a quick look.
263
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,280
TUBA PLAYS
264
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:21,600
You'd worry if you were next door.
LAUGHTER
265
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:25,840
What's going on?
266
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,360
I mean, I think he was enjoying
that more than anyone else.
267
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,480
I think that's fair.
268
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,080
But if you...say you were playing
Wigmore Hall, and you had to go
269
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,280
on the Tube, you'd rather have a cow
with you, wouldn't you, than...?
270
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:36,720
Quick supplementary question.
271
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,200
Do you think the world's
longest tuba is taller
272
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,960
than the world's tallest tuber?
273
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,720
No.
274
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,240
Which do you think is taller?
The tuba or the tuber?
275
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,000
Tuber. The tuber
is absolutely right.
276
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,520
The tallest one was a cassava
harvested in Nigeria.
277
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:52,760
Did you know this? Yes.
278
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,280
No.
279
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,680
No. You did not know this.
I am deeply...
280
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,440
You'd have mentioned it before.
281
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,880
You would have said,
"What about that cassava?"
282
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,400
I know this guy.
283
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:07,600
How dare you?
284
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,480
The veg wins - 2.46 metres,
285
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:14,600
whilst the Harvard contrabass
is 2.13 metres tall. It's amazing.
286
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,080
And the other thing that was
originally a type of trombone
287
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,560
was the bazooka,
which is a kind of weapon.
288
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:22,280
There was a radio comedian called
Rob Burns in the United States.
289
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,560
He invented it in 1905 as a child.
290
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,360
A sort of... So, comedians
can do anything.
291
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,000
I know. Exactly right.
292
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,080
And there he is. And it was a brass
instrument with a lip reed
293
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:32,680
and a sliding tube, like a trombone.
294
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,560
So, when the Americans started
using portable rocket-launchers
295
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,240
in World War II, they called them
bazookas because it looked a bit
296
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,120
like Robbie Burns's original
home-made instrument.
297
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,440
And then who are these chicks?
The Bazooka Bitches?
298
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,600
They are the Bazooka Bitches.
299
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,840
The guy on the end with the hat
and the woman at the front,
300
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,320
there's been an...there's been
a situation here. Oh, has there? OK.
301
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:58,120
He's gone, you know,
"The safety catch is..." whatever,
302
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:02,000
and she's gone, "Don't tell me
how to use a..." Bazooka?
303
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:04,960
"What I could tell you.
304
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,880
"Just keep it... All right?"
305
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,680
Yeah.
306
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,480
"I know what you're doing."
307
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,320
And he doesn't like it
because he's been emasculated
308
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,040
in front of all those boys.
309
00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:18,560
And he's very cross.
310
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:21,680
Again, Sara, I'd write that down
as a long story
311
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,680
you could possibly
turn into a novel.
312
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,680
I'm more interested in this woman
behind her.
313
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,160
I think... She's... Like a wedding.
314
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,040
Like, "I'm never going
to get married.
315
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:34,000
"Do you want to hold
the end of my bazooka?
316
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,560
"Just walk behind me."
317
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,320
So, now that you've boned up
on your brass instruments,
318
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:44,400
who slept on lion skins
and could play two trumpets at once?
319
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,880
Is it going to be Ancient Greek?
320
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,160
It IS ancient Greek!
321
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,600
Oh, I thought it might be. Yes.
322
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,880
Where might it be
in Ancient Greece?
323
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:52,120
Jazz Club.
324
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:59,440
The ancient Olympic Games featured
competitive trumpet-blowing,
325
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,040
and the undisputed champion
326
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,760
was a man called
Herodorus of Megara,
327
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:08,200
and he won ten titles
from 328 to 292 BC.
328
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:09,680
He could play two trumpets at once.
329
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:11,680
He slept only on lion skin.
330
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,960
And the lions weren't in them,
presumably. No, no, no.
331
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,040
No. They're shivering in the corner.
332
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,240
"Oh."
333
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:21,880
He was quite the guy.
334
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,760
He ate about eight loaves of bread
every day, nine kilos of meat
335
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,400
and six litres of wine.
336
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,920
Six litres of wine a day?
Six litres of wine.
337
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,680
And then he could play the trumpet
out of two...
338
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,080
Doesn't say he could play it well.
Doesn't say that.
339
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,680
Do you think the Ancient Greeks,
when they wrote things down,
340
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,280
they just wrote it down wrong?
341
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,560
Yeah. If anyone...
342
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,040
Because he clearly hasn't
had all that, has he? No.
343
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,600
It's bollocks.
344
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,560
I think what they found there
is his shopping list.
345
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,840
There's another marvellous trumpeter
from history called John Blanke.
346
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:02,080
He's the only identifiable
black British Tudor,
347
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,480
of whom we have a picture.
348
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,200
So this is on the Westminster
Tournament Roll 1511.
349
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,200
He trumpeted in Henry VII's
and Henry VIII's courts.
350
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,200
Probably, he came to England
as one of the African attendants
351
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,960
of Catherine of Aragon
when she first arrived in 1501,
352
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,640
in fact, to marry
Henry VIII's brother.
353
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:21,400
Now, what peaceful use
can you think of for a torpedo?
354
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,520
That's a massive torpedo
being loaded onto a ship in 1943
355
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,120
by the women's Royal Navy Service.
356
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,680
God, I thought that was me,
second from left.
357
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,880
LAUGHTER
358
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,480
That does look very like you.
359
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,440
I thought, "Have they done
one of those things?"
360
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:39,040
They do that on this show sometimes.
They Photoshop me in.
361
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,080
Usually...
362
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,200
..usually, it's a female
from the past.
363
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,120
And that's what they've done.
364
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,800
We're looking for a peaceful use.
Fill it with flowers. Fill it...
365
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,000
Where does "torpedo"
get its name from?
366
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,800
It's a town in Spain.
367
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,840
No, that's Toledo. I had...
368
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,120
My little godson, when he was six,
369
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,000
told me he was playing a video game,
370
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,240
one of those ones online,
with other children.
371
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:10,200
And he said, I have to name
my animal, and it's a shark.
372
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,960
And it goes really fast.
373
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,480
So, I called him shark-pedo.
374
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,560
And the game banned it,
and I wasn't allowed.
375
00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,520
And I said, "I can sort of see why."
Yeah.
376
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,520
And he said, "I think it's cos
it's got a rude word in it.
377
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,200
" 'Pee'. " AUDIENCE: Aw!
378
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,840
"Torpedo torpedo" -
379
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:34,160
scientific name for something
that is not a bomb.
380
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:37,120
Oh. Torpedo torpedo? What...?
Torpedo torpedo.
381
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:41,320
So, this is an electric ray
found in the Mediterranean.
382
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,600
There it is.
383
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,880
There was a first-century Greek
physician called Dioscorides,
384
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:50,800
and he recommended applying
a live one of these electric rays
385
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,120
up the seat to cure haemorrhoids.
386
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,080
The thing is, if they haven't
gone away for ages,
387
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,720
you will try anything. Yeah.
388
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,480
Well, weird...
389
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,680
I've heard.
Are you sitting comfortably?
390
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,120
One of the few ancient remedies
that actually worked.
391
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:14,000
Was it? It did actually work.
Did it? Yes.
392
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,160
Electrotherapy is still used today
to treat, well,
393
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,560
less severe haemorrhoids.
394
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,800
Although, can I just say,
the electricity is no longer
395
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,120
administered by a fish?
396
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,480
That's not...
397
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,440
Less severe? You could use
a toaster.
398
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,080
Yeah, you could use a toaster. Yeah.
399
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,840
Hair-straighteners. Yeah.
GROANING
400
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,040
I think hair-straighteners
is better than a toaster.
401
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,800
Oh, you didn't like that one,
did you?
402
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,000
That's an image you can
take home with you.
403
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,240
"Are they hot enough yet?" "Yes!"
404
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,680
It's so fascinating to think
about the back story
405
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,280
to that discovery, and the person
who just happened
406
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:48,320
to be mucking around... Yeah.
..with a fish and go,
407
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,600
"Oh, my haemorrhoids
have cleared up."
408
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,640
Well... Dressing-gown fell open.
409
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,240
They would have known that the ray
had a painkilling effect.
410
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,840
So...so torpedo comes
from the Latin to numb, "torpor".
411
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,560
But the torpedo, as in the weapon,
412
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,560
gets its name
from the Napoleonic Wars,
413
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,040
was named after the fish,
which incapacitates its enemies
414
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:05,400
when it touches them.
415
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,400
There was a thing called a
coffin torpedo in the 19th century.
416
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,960
It was to stop body-snatching.
417
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,320
They made coffins that operate
like shotguns.
418
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:16,280
And if you lifted the lid,
it fired, shot into the air.
419
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,400
Unfortunately,
not all that successful.
420
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,600
So there was one review.
421
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:23,320
There was an Ohio grave torpedo,
and it was tested on a mule.
422
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,760
And they reported, "He lifted up one
foot when the explosion occurred,
423
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:29,040
"but never stopped munching fodder."
424
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,600
So, he was like, "Meh,"
and carried on.
425
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,720
Mm. They should shoot the body out
at the person.
426
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,840
That's much scarier. Yeah.
427
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,320
But if you're a body-snatcher,
you might just catch it, then.
428
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,040
If the body... Yeah,
but then you're a body-catcher.
429
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:48,440
It's a whole new career.
APPLAUSE
430
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,520
Now to those tubes below the torso.
431
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,840
What's so terrible about trousers?
432
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,200
They say they're a size 14.
They're definitely not.
433
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,840
They're never a size 14.
434
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:03,720
I have trousers that are a size 12,
14, 16, 18 and 20.
435
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,000
All of them fit me.
436
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,960
And I don't understand why
the designers can't get together
437
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,000
and just make a plan
and then decide on that.
438
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,480
Because I've had enough.
439
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,720
And the women in this audience
have had enough.
440
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,080
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
441
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,440
I ordered a Christmas dress,
442
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,720
and it came and it was that wide.
443
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,360
And I said, "Oh, I'm sorry.
444
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,160
"I ordered a medium
and it's that big."
445
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,600
And they said,
"Well, that's what size it is."
446
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,280
And I said,
"Yeah, but it's too big."
447
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:39,000
And they said,
"Well, it will fit someone."
448
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,800
But you can argue with that.
That is true.
449
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,040
And I said, "Yes,
but it doesn't work like that.
450
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,640
"Clothes have sizes.
451
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,400
"You can't just make it one size."
452
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,120
And they said, "Well, we do.
453
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,640
"And then we send them out.
And just give it to someone
454
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,400
"if you don't want it."
455
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,240
No. And that's how they operated.
456
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:03,000
That is going to ruin Christmas
when someone opens it, and you go,
457
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,480
"Yeah, yeah, I was far too thin
for that. Please..."
458
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,040
LAUGHTER
"Please enjoy."
459
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,280
But what's so terrible
about trousers, historically?
460
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,120
Well, we couldn't wear them
for a long time.
461
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,000
You could be arrested
for wearing trousers.
462
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,440
It was illegal for women
to wear trousers in about 40 cities
463
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,320
in the United States.
People were arrested.
464
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,240
They were charged
with impersonating a man.
465
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,760
Right up until...
466
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,360
Why would you want to?
467
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,080
Right up until 1923,
when the Federal Government
468
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,360
overrode the laws
and made it allowable.
469
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:34,480
Before that, even when serving
in the army or mountain climbing,
470
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,240
for example, women had to wear
heavy woollen skirts.
471
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,320
Also in Europe,
Henriette d'Angeville,
472
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:43,240
she claimed to be the very first
woman to climb Mont Blanc in 1838,
473
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:44,960
and she did so dressed like that.
474
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:48,720
Is it cheating to use a ladder
to climb a mountain?
475
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,480
They've deliberately taken her
a tricky route, haven't they?
476
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:56,360
Yeah. "You go first, love.
We'll come..."
477
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:58,960
"This is the only way
we could do it."
478
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,040
"And why is there a...?"
"Could I not have the plank?"
479
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:04,920
"No, it has to be a ladder."
480
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,680
And it looks like she's going
to go along there,
481
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,520
over the next ladder... Yeah.
482
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,840
..and then just bring her
back round again.
483
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,600
"Isn't this the ladder
we went over before."
484
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,160
"No, no, you keep going.
485
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:21,960
"You're doing very well."
486
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,720
It's like a sort of Escher drawing,
isn't it?
487
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,360
Going round and round and round.
488
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:31,120
The first woman to controversially
climb Matterhorn in trousers, 1895,
489
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:32,440
was Annie Smith Peck.
490
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,640
And if you don't know her,
she is just incredible.
491
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,080
She once climbed a mountain
492
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,720
and hung a "Votes for Women" banner
at the top when she got there.
493
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,680
But there were no other women
up there...
494
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,080
LAUGHTER
..to appreciate her sign.
495
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:46,680
I don't think it was women
who needed the message, darling.
496
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:50,200
Same trouble with hats
that you've got with your trousers.
497
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,480
DEBORAH: It's true.
She's ordered that online. Yeah.
498
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,280
They said that was a large.
It's for a...
499
00:22:58,280 --> 00:22:59,680
It's a three-year-old's hat.
500
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,480
No, no, it looks good.
It looks good. It'll fit someone.
501
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:08,600
But if you were a woman in Paris,
for example, 1800 to 2013,
502
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:12,080
you had to have a special permit,
"permission de travestissement",
503
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:13,720
to wear trousers. So, for example,
504
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,600
this is the permission
that was given to the great artist
505
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:17,920
Rosa Bonheur.
506
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,720
Rosa Bonheur is very famous
for painting farm animals and so on,
507
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,840
and in order to do so,
she wanted to wear trousers
508
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,240
for these agricultural scenes,
509
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,440
but she had to get
permission to do so.
510
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:27,920
Did you say till 2013?
511
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,160
February 2013, it was finally
overturned.
512
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,880
I can't say it was constantly
enforced.
513
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,840
I...I'm sure I went to Paris
in trousers before 2013...
514
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,520
No, it wasn't... ..but I didn't know
I was dicing with the law.
515
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:42,800
No. They did amend it slightly,
once in 1892 and once in 1909,
516
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:45,520
and women were allowed to wear
trousers without a permit
517
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:50,680
if they were holding the bicycle
handlebars or the reins of a horse.
518
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:54,680
There was a rule that forbade women
from wearing trousers on the floor
519
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:55,960
of the US Senate.
520
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,680
That wasn't revoked until 1993.
521
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,160
When I was a law student,
522
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,440
you were not allowed
to wear trousers as a woman
523
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:02,960
if you were in the Inns of Court.
524
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,440
And there was a wonderful story
about a woman who went to do one
525
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,480
of these compulsory dinners
in the Inns of Court.
526
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,600
She was wearing trousers,
and the clerk said to her,
527
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,640
"Madam, you can't come in here
wearing those."
528
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,120
So she took them off
and gave them to him. Oh.
529
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,840
But there's other times in history
it was not wearing trousers
530
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:18,400
that could get you into trouble.
531
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,960
So, in the Hebridean Island of Seil,
532
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,880
there's a pub called Tigh na Truish,
533
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:24,880
and it translates
as "the house of trousers".
534
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,480
Look at that. It looks fantastic.
535
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,000
See that bridge?
536
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,480
That's the bridge to the mainland.
537
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,200
It's called
the Bridge over the Atlantic.
538
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,880
And the British government
in the Jacobite rebellion, so 1745,
539
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,960
they banned the wearing
of tartan and the kilt.
540
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:38,760
And so, if you broke those laws,
541
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,760
you could face transportation
to Australia.
542
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,320
Can you imagine, darling?
I mean... I know.
543
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,600
It'd be horrendous.
544
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:47,120
If the locals were heading
over the bridge to the mainland,
545
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:50,000
where the authorities might see them
in a kilt, they'd pop to the pub
546
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,120
and change out of their kilts
and into trousers.
547
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,320
And there are still hooks
where you can make the change
548
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:55,960
if you want to in the pub.
549
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,320
Right, how comfortable would it be
550
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:02,640
to snuggle up
under a blanket octopus?
551
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:07,920
I'm going to say not very
comfortable if you're a female
552
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:13,320
blanket octopus, because the male
blanket octopus dies after mating
553
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,520
and won't cuddle.
554
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,520
When I was a nanny, I had to take
children to the London Zoo.
555
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:23,440
And I remember them saying this,
that after the octopuses mated...
556
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,800
Yeah. ..the man would die. Right.
557
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,280
And... Or claim he'd died.
LAUGHTER
558
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,840
I mean, they say they die. Maybe
they just change their number.
559
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,760
I don't know.
560
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:35,040
I've died!
561
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:37,800
The woman then starves herself
to death...
562
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,600
Right. Yeah. ..because she doesn't
want to leave them
563
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,840
to go and get food for herself.
564
00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:47,880
I remember this because I remember
the children I nannied for saying,
565
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,280
"What's mating?"
566
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,160
I'm going to say yes, it would be
comfortable under a blanket octopus.
567
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,320
But the thing is,
she wouldn't even notice the male.
568
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:57,120
That's the truth of it.
They have extreme sexual dimorphism.
569
00:25:57,120 --> 00:26:00,000
Oh. A massive difference
between the females and the males.
570
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,640
The female can grow
to about two metres.
571
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,920
Can you spot the male
in the picture?
572
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:06,520
Oh. Ooh.
573
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,600
What he's there?
Like the Tinder Swindler?
574
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,800
Is that him at the back? That dot?
575
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,440
Oh, the little dot, is he?
That little dot is the male.
576
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,800
What coming in behind?
577
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:20,840
Just a little dot.
578
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,880
So, I think if he died, you wouldn't
give a rat's arse, frankly.
579
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,320
Is he swimming along, thinking,
"Phwoar"?
580
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,240
That little tiny dot is the man?
"She's enormous!"
581
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,400
He's basically sort of a sperm sac,
frankly. Yeah.
582
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:41,200
So, if Alan and I matched our height
to a blanket octopus's proportions,
583
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,400
Alan would be roughly
the length of the thumbnail,
584
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:48,640
and...or I would be the height
of the Gherkin skyscraper in London.
585
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,680
And THAT is a novel.
586
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:57,040
APPLAUSE
Well played, we've found it.
587
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,640
We've got it.
588
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,200
I mean, they are...
589
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,720
Yeah, the women are... They're
badass, they're really badass.
590
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:07,000
They are immune to the stings
of the Portuguese man-of-war.
591
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:10,680
So, when one floats by,
they sometimes rip off its tentacles
592
00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:12,760
to wield as defensive weapons.
593
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaking of octopuses,
what's unusual
594
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,040
about the seven-armed octopus?
595
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,440
They can't get trousers to fit.
596
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,680
It's got seven arms.
597
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,360
KLAXON
598
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:29,040
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
599
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:34,600
Game's getting harder, if anything.
Isn't it?
600
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,760
Ten arms? No, not seven. Not ten.
601
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,640
There is one with ten, though,
isn't there?
602
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,120
Or there used to be one with ten.
They found it the other day.
603
00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:42,840
It was a fossil.
604
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:46,760
Was it? I mean, it was something
like 300 million years old.
605
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:48,720
It's actually named after Joe Biden.
606
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,440
The ten-armed... Is it? Yes, it is.
607
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:51,840
It's nearly as old.
608
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,120
So, the seven-armed octopuses,
so-called because the male looks
609
00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:59,240
as though it only has seven
tentacles, but in fact,
610
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:00,640
it does have eight.
611
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,760
So, the eighth one,
the one on the left there
612
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,600
is that it's coiled up
in a sort of sac
613
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,760
beneath its right eye
for most of the time.
614
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:10,720
And then it has a specialised arm
called a hectocotylus.
615
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:12,440
Technical word for...? Penis?
616
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:15,400
Yes, it's basically
a removable penis.
617
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:19,320
So, it uncoils and detaches
during mating to deliver the sperm,
618
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:20,680
and then it regenerates.
619
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:21,960
That's very civilised.
620
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,480
I think the new Doctor Who
should do that.
621
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,400
Every time they change actors,
that would be...
622
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:34,880
So, do octopuses have tentacles?
623
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:36,520
Is that correct?
624
00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,400
The way you've said it
makes us think no.
625
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,120
Yeah. No, it has suckers
all the way up.
626
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:41,960
Tentacles are when you just
have the sucker
627
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,560
on the sort of pad-like end
of the thing.
628
00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:46,960
So, Portuguese man-of-war
have tentacles.
629
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:49,040
You do find tentacles
on some carnivorous plants.
630
00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,560
There's an amazing plant
called the pimpernel sundew,
631
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:54,480
and it has two types of tentacles.
632
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:58,840
So, insects walking near the plant
can trigger a touch-sensitive,
633
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:00,800
sort of lightning-fast
snap tentacle,
634
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,520
which catapults the prey
into glue tentacles
635
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:06,480
that then slowly draw it to death.
636
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:09,320
Can I say something about glue?
637
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:11,960
An...
638
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,560
..when an aphid has had her young...
639
00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:20,200
Yeah? ..she turns herself
into a blob of glue... Right?
640
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,920
..in front of them,
so that when predators come,
641
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:24,120
they just stick to her.
642
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:27,200
Oh, my God. Can you imagine how
traumatising for the children?
643
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,840
But isn't nature amazing? Yeah,
that is an embarrassing parent.
644
00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:31,600
Yeah.
645
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:33,400
I... "By the way, my mum's come
to pick me up.
646
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,560
"She's a big blob of glue."
647
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:39,320
I live in quite a high-crime area.
648
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:43,080
Oh, right. So, I was thinking
of doing that on my front step.
649
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:45,360
Do you remember that story about
Beefeaters
650
00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:47,840
who live in the Tower of London,
couldn't get home insurance
651
00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:50,520
because, strictly speaking,
they live in Tower Hamlets,
652
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:52,240
and they haven't got window locks?
653
00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:57,200
But couldn't they say, "But we don't
need window locks because we've got
654
00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:58,560
"men at the gates with spears?"
655
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:01,320
Darling, have you tried to fill
in a form with an insurance company?
656
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:05,040
So, the very best use for a tentacle
657
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,920
comes from the Octopus for a Preemie
community.
658
00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:11,080
Look next to you,
and you will find... Oh!
659
00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:14,320
..little tiny octopuses.
For little babies? Little octo-pals.
660
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,440
Oh. Mine's only got six legs.
661
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:20,880
I don't want to make a fuss,
but that's two short.
662
00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:24,960
Why might you give this
to a premature baby?
663
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:27,400
Oh. A premature baby?
664
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:29,360
Yeah, the preemies, yeah.
The preemies.
665
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:31,360
Tiny hands? Is it to cover
their wires?
666
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,040
Well, sort of.
667
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:34,440
So, it's the sweetest thing.
668
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:37,480
Volunteers crochet and knit these...
LAUGHTER
669
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:40,440
I don't think that's
what the babies are doing.
670
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:42,080
They're not?
I don't think it's that.
671
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:43,880
Sandi, can I say something?
Yes, darling.
672
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:45,520
When my premature baby was born,
673
00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:49,320
they did something weird
with her umbilical cord,
674
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:51,560
and I was like, "Oh, my God,
what are you doing?"
675
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:54,400
And the consultant said, "It's OK.
676
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:58,000
"You could swing a baby around
by its umbilical cord,
677
00:30:58,000 --> 00:30:59,280
"and it would be fine."
678
00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:01,440
And we're going to try that now.
679
00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:05,840
So, babies hold on
to the umbilical cord for comfort.
680
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:09,400
Oh, do they? So when a baby is born,
the tentacles mimic the cord
681
00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,360
for the baby, and they soothe them
in the neo-natal units.
682
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:15,440
And it also stops them tugging
on the tubes in the intensive care.
683
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:17,480
Oh, my... And can I say,
anybody can get involved.
684
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:20,160
You can knit these for the charity.
Branch out. I don't know. Yeah.
685
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:22,280
You could also do a jellyfish
or aliens or whatever.
686
00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:24,080
The important things
are the tentacles.
687
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:26,160
And so, what we're going to do
is we're going to give
688
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:28,720
all your octopuses a jolly good wash
and donate them to charity
689
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:30,280
after today's episode.
690
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:34,280
Why might Victorian women
have actually had a lot of fun
691
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:36,320
on their period?
692
00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:38,680
They used to free-bleed
on the Northern line?
693
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:42,920
Is it because,
before there was ibuprofen,
694
00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:44,520
there was laudanum?
695
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:47,480
You're heading in the right
direction. Would it...?
696
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:48,960
It's drug-related.
697
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:50,640
They thought we were mad,
didn't they?
698
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:54,840
When you say "they thought",
what you mean is, "they noticed".
699
00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:58,480
I think I know this
because I think I had an expert
700
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:03,600
on The Guilty Feminist podcast
tell me that they used to dip
701
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:07,200
their tampons in the same sort
of white powder
702
00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:10,200
that sometimes stockbrokers use
to make themselves overly confident.
703
00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:14,600
And that's why you get
the stereotype that women talk a lot
704
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:16,080
when they're on their period.
705
00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:19,240
They invented the cocaine tampon.
Yes. Absolutely right. Did they?
706
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,040
Absolutely right.
APPLAUSE
707
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:26,840
Can I say, not always cocaine,
sometimes opium?
708
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:28,920
Don't want to muck about.
709
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:30,080
It wasn't just for women.
710
00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:32,400
So, cocaine tampons were used
for both sexes.
711
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:34,000
For painful haemorrhoids.
712
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:35,160
Perfect. Yes.
713
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:40,280
Any haemorrhoids - they don't
have to be painful.
714
00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:45,800
In the war, they used tampons
to plug wounds.
715
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,680
And then I think a woman
who was working in a hospital went,
716
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:51,200
"Do you know what else
that would be useful for?" Yeah.
717
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,760
Soaking tampons, or the equivalent,
in opium, that dates back
718
00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:55,000
to Ancient Rome.
719
00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:57,280
But Pond's Tampons,
which was a 19th-century product,
720
00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:59,440
they were laced with opiates
and deadly nightshade.
721
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:01,480
You can still get a sort of
version of it.
722
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:03,160
There's something called a B&O -
723
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:05,200
so Belladonna and Opium suppository.
724
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:08,840
And they're sometimes prescribed
as muscle relaxants after surgery.
725
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,440
Sounds heaven. Mm.
726
00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,000
People at my university
used to do it with vodka.
727
00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:17,760
What? Soak it in...?
Tampons and put it up the bum.
728
00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:22,920
OK, I'm just going to do a thing
with the audience.
729
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:25,520
I'm going to count to three,
and we're all going to say, "Why?"
730
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,040
So, here we go. One, two, three...
731
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:28,400
ALL: Why?
732
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:30,760
The theory was that
you absorb things,
733
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,360
things get into your bloodstream
quicker. Oh.
734
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:35,240
So, there was a film,
Kevin And Perry,
735
00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:38,120
where they were doing vodka
in their eyes for that reason.
736
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:40,640
And I think the thinking was,
"Where else can you put it?"
737
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:43,480
Just, um...
738
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:46,120
Where's the most dangerous place
for a toilet?
739
00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:49,280
Oh, just slightly further
than where you thought it was.
740
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:55,520
A bit more along.
741
00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:00,800
So, we're talking
about one particular day.
742
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:02,560
Oh, a day? It's not
a dangerous place?
743
00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:05,240
In 1900, there were very few
ladies' toilets,
744
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:08,320
and a lot of men thought
it was a very bad idea for women
745
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:09,680
to have a toilet at all.
746
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:12,200
Men's toilets were ubiquitous,
but ladies' toilets not so.
747
00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:14,600
They did exist, but far fewer.
748
00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:16,000
Now, this is a wonderful story.
749
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:18,440
George Bernard Shaw,
who was an incredible human being
750
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:21,440
as well as an amazing playwright,
he was working in local government
751
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:24,040
in north London at the time,
and he advocated for women's rights
752
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:26,400
and pushed for a ladies' loo
to be built in Camden,
753
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:28,080
in north London, beside the men's.
754
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:31,000
And there was lots of people who
said it would lower property values
755
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:32,560
and it would cause traffic problems.
756
00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:34,040
So, they built a wooden...
757
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:35,480
This is absolutely true.
758
00:34:35,480 --> 00:34:37,560
So, they built a wooden mock-up
of the toilet to see
759
00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:39,360
if there was a traffic risk.
760
00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:44,280
And in one day alone,
it was hit by vehicles 45 times.
761
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:48,040
And it was protesters
trying to make a point. Wow.
762
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:51,240
And Shaw accused the bus companies
of taking bribes, and so on.
763
00:34:51,240 --> 00:34:54,120
And the company said, "No, no, no,
it was all accidents."
764
00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:56,640
It took five years for the toilet
to finally be built.
765
00:34:56,640 --> 00:35:00,320
And I have to say, there is still
a ladies' loo in exactly that spot
766
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:01,760
that George Bernard Shaw decided.
767
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,000
I actually live in Camden,
and can I tell you,
768
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,440
it has not lowered house prices? OK.
769
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:09,280
What were they thinking?
770
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:11,360
It was a key component
of the suffragette movement,
771
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:12,760
was to get loos for the...
772
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:14,720
But that's also why
they didn't want them,
773
00:35:14,720 --> 00:35:17,440
is because it did restrict
women so much, socially.
774
00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:20,400
Except if you were pregnant.
If you were pregnant, a woman,
775
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:22,160
you were allowed to wee anywhere.
776
00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:24,520
And the policeman had
to give you his hat.
777
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:27,040
That was the theory.
778
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:29,880
But the hat-peeing law is a myth,
unfortunately. Oh, was it?
779
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:33,080
Yeah, the policeman thing. Well,
I mean, the one that I...
780
00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:34,720
He didn't mind at all.
781
00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:40,960
Yeah. That wasn't actually
a policeman, just got to say.
782
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:44,440
No-one tell the policemen
it's a myth.
783
00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:47,200
The first person to sort of do
gender equality for toilets
784
00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:49,520
was the 15th-century mayor
Dick Whittington.
785
00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:53,800
He actually had a 128-seat latrine
for both men and women.
786
00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:55,280
And it used the Thames
to flush away,
787
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:58,000
but you used to sit with everybody.
It wasn't like you had separate
788
00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:00,400
cubicles or anything. So, you all
had to go at the same time.
789
00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:01,880
You all had to do exactly the same...
790
00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:04,320
Three, two, one.
And then you all went.
791
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,040
And now for the moment,
when the whole show goes
792
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,440
straight down the tubes -
it's time for general ignorance.
793
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:11,080
Fingers on buzzers, please.
794
00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:14,560
Name the animal with the longest
neck for its torso.
795
00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:16,400
Ooh! For its torso.
796
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:18,440
Ooh. Ooh.
797
00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:20,720
Longest neck for its...
798
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,200
LAUGHTER
It's like a gas leak.
799
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:26,760
You've got to think about the neck,
800
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:29,120
but you've also got to think
about the torso. Torso. Yeah.
801
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:30,920
Seahorse. Oh, good choice. Yeah.
802
00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:33,480
Good choice. Got a really long neck.
Hardly any torso.
803
00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:36,000
Yeah, I should have said
I'm talking about an extinct animal.
804
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,040
It's probably one
that you haven't even heard of.
805
00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:39,600
It's from the late Triassic period.
806
00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:40,920
Oh, is it a kind of eel?
807
00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:44,120
Cos you could actually argue
that that's all neck and no torso.
808
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:45,160
Yeah. Yeah.
809
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:47,720
Or a snake.
810
00:36:47,720 --> 00:36:51,080
KLAXON
Oh! Oh, God!
811
00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:53,280
APPLAUSE
812
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,160
I'm furious! Furious.
813
00:36:57,160 --> 00:36:59,200
So, there's a thing
called a Tanystropheus.
814
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:02,120
It was a reptile
242 million years ago.
815
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:05,520
You know, roughly. Can't tell you it
was a Tuesday. It was a while ago.
816
00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:06,760
This is the reconstruction.
817
00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:08,200
When they first found the bones...
818
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:09,960
So, the palaeontologists thought
819
00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:12,160
that all these small bones
were a bit like the wings
820
00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:13,640
on a pterodactyl.
821
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:17,320
And it was actually, they realised,
lots of elongated neck bones,
822
00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,920
three times as long as the torso,
823
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:23,480
made of about half of the length
of the entire animal.
824
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:25,280
So, you're talking about
six metres long,
825
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:27,120
maybe about the size
of a large crocodile.
826
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:28,720
The neck is six metres long?
827
00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:31,280
The whole thing is about six metres
long, so...but half of it,
828
00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:33,760
three metres is the neck.
Can it lift its head up? We don't...
829
00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:36,160
The thing is, we just...
Little wheels under it.
830
00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:37,480
..we just don't know.
831
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:40,040
But a giraffe has the same number
of neck vertebrae as a human,
832
00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:41,120
which is seven.
833
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:43,520
This one had 13, OK? Ooh.
13 neck vertebrae.
834
00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:46,440
So, the giraffe's neck is amazing
because it's really flexible.
835
00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:48,280
It can sort of bend
and thwack with it.
836
00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:49,680
These were relatively stiff.
837
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:51,200
Did it use it as a sort of
periscope?
838
00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:53,560
Did it use it as a sort
of fishing rod? Did it reach up?
839
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:56,400
Do they think they found sort of
bits of two, and they've actually
840
00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:58,360
made it a bit longer than it
really...? Yeah.
841
00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:01,920
You know what we should do? Yeah.
Knit these for premature babies.
842
00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:04,600
Yes. Because it's just like
an umbilical cord.
843
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,720
Yeah. With, like, a spooky end.
844
00:38:06,720 --> 00:38:08,160
But if it ate something on Tuesday,
845
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,680
it wouldn't digest it
till Wednesday. Yeah.
846
00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:15,280
The Tanystropheus had a lot
of damn neck. That's all I'm saying.
847
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:19,280
Which city has the most
French-speaking people in it?
848
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:22,520
Oh. Ooh. Very careful.
849
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:25,080
Ooh, oh. Not Paris.
850
00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:27,240
I'm going to guess Quebec.
851
00:38:27,240 --> 00:38:29,440
KLAXON
852
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:32,640
Non. Non. Non, non, non!
853
00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:34,120
Is it somewhere in Africa? Yes.
854
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:36,280
A lot of French-speaking countries,
aren't there?
855
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:39,560
It's the capital
of the Democratic Republic of Congo.
856
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:42,600
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Kinshasa.
Kinshasa. Kinshasa. Kinshasa, yeah.
857
00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:45,200
It officially overtook Paris
and Montreal a few years ago.
858
00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:49,400
The country has the largest
francophone population in the world.
859
00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:51,840
More French speakers than France.
860
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:54,280
Yes.
861
00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:56,280
So, there are about as many
Spanish speakers
862
00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:58,320
in the United States
as there are in Spain.
863
00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:01,760
Spain is already the fourth-biggest
Spanish-speaking country.
864
00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:04,880
So, the UK, does it have
the number-one city
865
00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:06,600
for English speakers?
866
00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:08,440
I think we speak it best.
867
00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:12,360
Just putting that out there.
868
00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:15,520
Which city do we think in the world
has got the most English speakers?
869
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,760
It's Mumbai. Oh. It is Mumbai.
870
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:19,000
Yeah.
871
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:21,320
In fact, in terms of population
of English speakers,
872
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:23,880
the UK only comes sixth worldwide.
873
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:26,080
And that is colonialism for you.
874
00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,400
How many holes can you see
in this cheese?
875
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:30,480
Oh, my God. I can't... Right.
Oh, don't look.
876
00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:32,160
You don't like holes, do you?
Every time.
877
00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:33,920
Every time,
we have holes on this show.
878
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:35,400
Every time, it's holes.
879
00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:36,720
I'm so sorry.
880
00:39:36,720 --> 00:39:39,280
Don't look,
881
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:41,800
but also you won't get any points
for this one.
882
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:44,440
It's OK cos they're not
right next to each other. Oh.
883
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:46,680
Or exactly the same size.
884
00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:49,200
OK, good.
885
00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:51,120
So, how do you use a sieve?
886
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:52,520
I...
887
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:55,600
C... Can we not talk about sieves?
888
00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:59,080
Literally, every time I'm on
the show, they show me holes!
889
00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:02,040
I'm sorry! The world has got a lot
of holes in it.
890
00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:05,280
Could you play golf
if you never actually looked?
891
00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:07,520
No, it's not...
That's just one hole.
892
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:09,920
There has to be lots of holes
together of the same size.
893
00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:12,200
Connect 4.
So a cheese-grater would be bad?
894
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:14,400
Connect 4.
SHE LAUGHS
895
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:16,120
Sorry. Why don't you keep
listing things
896
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:17,920
that have got loads of holes
in them? Sorry.
897
00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:20,160
Can you...could you...?
Drop it, will you, you psycho?
898
00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:21,960
No, no, no.
899
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:23,760
Bridget, I feel I've known you
a long time.
900
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:25,800
I feel like we're quite close.
It's never come up.
901
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:28,280
Only cos you've got no holes
in you, Deborah.
902
00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:31,160
If I asked you to play a game
of tennis, could you do that?
903
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:32,840
Cos a tennis racket...
They're squares.
904
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:34,480
There's holes in the net.
905
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:36,800
Do they have to be round?
Got to be round, Deborah.
906
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,320
I'm so sorry.
I've not been filled in. No.
907
00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:41,120
I'm not insane.
908
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:43,920
How many holes in this cheese?
909
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:45,320
Two. Is correct.
910
00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:49,760
So...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
911
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,960
Sorry, why does he...?
Why is he getting a clap?
912
00:40:56,960 --> 00:40:59,520
Because...? Because I never
get anything right.
913
00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:02,320
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
914
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:04,080
He's right. There's only two holes.
915
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:06,320
But you can see there's only
two holes? Everyone knows
916
00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:08,440
there's only two holes.
Nobody else said it.
917
00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:10,000
It's like going,
918
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:12,440
"How many fingers have I got up?"
"Five" Give him 100 points.
919
00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:14,680
I only have to get one thing
right, and ta-da! Yeah.
920
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,160
I think they're patronising Alan.
921
00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:18,400
"Let's give Alan one.
He can answer that kind of thing."
922
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:23,120
And then we'll do a bit
of colouring in, and it's home time.
923
00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:25,440
LAUGHTER
DEBORAH: Aw!
924
00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:26,800
Can I have a story?
925
00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:28,680
We're talking about topology.
926
00:41:28,680 --> 00:41:30,120
There are only two holes.
927
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:32,920
But the other things you can see are
dents and deformations and so on.
928
00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:35,120
The only way there could
be another hole in the cheese
929
00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:37,280
is if there was a hole inside
that was fully enclosed
930
00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:39,720
that we couldn't see. So, there's
a branch of mathematics
931
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:41,880
called topology, and it deals with
shapes and spaces
932
00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:44,120
and holes, and so on. So,
a topologist, and indeed Alan,
933
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:46,080
would only see two holes
in this picture.
934
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:47,440
Let's try an easier one.
935
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:49,440
How many holes does this have?
936
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,480
Two. Two. It's got one
to blow it up,
937
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:55,560
and one in the middle.
938
00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:57,840
You're sort of right,
but your reasoning is not right.
939
00:41:57,840 --> 00:42:00,040
It's impeccable. What are you
saying? We're not...
940
00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:01,800
We can't count the one
with the valve in it
941
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:05,120
because it's closed in this picture,
so that's not a hole.
942
00:42:05,120 --> 00:42:08,760
OK? Mmm... So, you've got the one
that the person's body goes through,
943
00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:11,600
and then another one
that makes up the hollow tube
944
00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:13,640
going around the outside.
945
00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:17,440
But that only counts
as a second hole if it's hollow.
946
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:20,040
So, for example, a ring doughnut
is different to a rubber ring
947
00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:22,360
because it's filled in with dough,
and it's not hollow.
948
00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:24,400
So a doughnut only has one hole.
Mmm.
949
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:26,600
But the rubber ring has two holes
950
00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:30,240
because the hole of
the hollow space counts as a hole.
951
00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:33,280
Oh. But... I happen
to have a doughnut.
952
00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:36,400
So... I've got a doughnut, as well.
..there are doughnuts for everybody.
953
00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:37,840
And that's the truth of it.
954
00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:40,560
So, the doughnut, at no point
is it hollow in this part.
955
00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:42,040
It's only got one hole.
956
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:45,520
I'll just check that, Sandi.
Yeah, just see...how that is.
957
00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:47,520
All right. Sure. Ooh!
That's bloody lovely!
958
00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:48,960
Yours is vegan, darling. Is it?
959
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:50,200
And on that cheesy note,
960
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:53,360
it's time for the tallying
and the totting-up.
961
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:56,240
At the tail of the pack,
in last place with minus 12,
962
00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,200
It's Sara!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
963
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,640
But I've got a doughnut, though.
964
00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:02,480
In third place, with minus 2,
965
00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:05,440
it's Alan! Thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
966
00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:09,800
In second place, with six
whole points is Bridget!
967
00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:12,200
Yay!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
968
00:43:12,200 --> 00:43:14,760
Topping the charts, in first place
with seven points,
969
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:17,760
it's Deborah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
970
00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:26,240
So, it's thanks to Bridget,
Sara, Deborah and Alan.
971
00:43:26,240 --> 00:43:29,760
And I leave you with this food
for thought from a user on Reddit.
972
00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:32,440
When two people kiss,
they make one long tube
973
00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:34,120
with an arsehole at both ends.
974
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:35,800
LAUGHTER
Goodnight.
975
00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:38,240
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
126285
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