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00:00:01,449 --> 00:00:03,072
Previously
on Mad About You...
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00:00:03,831 --> 00:00:05,833
[TIMER TICKING]
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00:00:10,424 --> 00:00:11,839
[BELL DINGS]
4
00:00:34,275 --> 00:00:35,863
[MUSIC PLAYING]
5
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:53,846
♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do
6
00:00:53,984 --> 00:00:55,538
♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you
7
00:00:58,127 --> 00:00:59,714
♪ Let's take each other's hand
8
00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:03,201
♪ As we jump into
the final frontier
9
00:01:04,305 --> 00:01:06,307
♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
10
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:17,111
Get out of here.
11
00:01:18,354 --> 00:01:19,596
You get out of here.
12
00:01:20,563 --> 00:01:22,254
Oh, get outta here!
13
00:01:22,392 --> 00:01:23,876
You get outta here.
14
00:01:24,774 --> 00:01:26,155
Come here!
15
00:01:32,713 --> 00:01:35,336
Get outta here!
16
00:01:35,474 --> 00:01:36,855
My gosh, what are you saying?
What are you saying?
17
00:01:36,993 --> 00:01:38,443
What are you telling me?
You're pregnant?
18
00:01:38,581 --> 00:01:40,272
So, there's
like an actual, little,
19
00:01:40,410 --> 00:01:43,172
you-and-me combination
right in there?
20
00:01:43,310 --> 00:01:45,967
Oh, my... This is...
You know what?
This is just so...
21
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,866
Poetic.
Yeah, but it's so...
22
00:01:48,004 --> 00:01:50,800
You know, it's...
Magical.
23
00:01:50,938 --> 00:01:52,319
Yeah. No,
it definitely is that.
24
00:01:52,457 --> 00:01:54,390
What am I thinking, though?
It's, like, the way it all...
25
00:01:54,528 --> 00:01:56,150
Just...
Sublime.
26
00:01:57,910 --> 00:01:59,429
Um... No, no...
What?
27
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,363
It's...
28
00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:04,089
This is good.
Mmm-hmm.
29
00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,127
[DOOR BUZZING]
30
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,063
[DOOR BUZZING]
31
00:02:13,202 --> 00:02:14,203
Who is it?
32
00:02:15,514 --> 00:02:17,067
IRA: Hey, it's me!
33
00:02:17,206 --> 00:02:18,517
Oh, man, what is he
doing here now?
34
00:02:18,655 --> 00:02:19,898
I don't know,
but this is perfect.
35
00:02:20,036 --> 00:02:21,279
So Ira will be
the first person
we get to tell.
36
00:02:21,417 --> 00:02:22,797
Wait, wait, wait!
Wait! Wait!
37
00:02:22,935 --> 00:02:24,765
Just telling people?
That's what we're doing?
38
00:02:24,903 --> 00:02:26,146
Yeah. Why wouldn't we?
39
00:02:26,284 --> 00:02:27,595
I don't know.
40
00:02:27,733 --> 00:02:29,252
Come on. They're going
to figure it out
eventually.
41
00:02:29,390 --> 00:02:31,012
We'll show up one day,
we got a 7-year-old,
they're gonna know.
42
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,601
No. Let's just keep it
between us for now.
43
00:02:33,739 --> 00:02:35,258
[IRA RAPPING ON DOOR]
Hey, you guys! Open up!
44
00:02:35,396 --> 00:02:36,880
Wait, wait. Why? Why?
45
00:02:37,018 --> 00:02:38,227
A million reasons.
46
00:02:38,365 --> 00:02:40,160
First of all, we don't
know anything for sure.
47
00:02:40,298 --> 00:02:41,402
As of now,
the only real news
48
00:02:41,540 --> 00:02:44,302
is that I've successfully
peed on a stick.
49
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,475
Yeah, but...
And we don't even have
50
00:02:45,613 --> 00:02:46,994
confirmation
from a gynecologist.
51
00:02:47,132 --> 00:02:48,202
Mark is in Europe.
52
00:02:48,340 --> 00:02:49,893
He'll be back.
In three months.
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00:02:50,031 --> 00:02:52,068
We should probably
find out before then.
54
00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:53,414
[SIGHS]
55
00:02:53,552 --> 00:02:54,898
All right.
[DOOR BUZZING]
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00:02:55,036 --> 00:02:56,141
IRA: I'm standin' out here!
57
00:02:56,279 --> 00:02:57,660
I can't believe
you want to tell.
58
00:02:57,798 --> 00:02:58,730
You're
the superstitious one.
59
00:02:58,868 --> 00:03:00,076
You know,
telling is bad luck.
60
00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:02,906
Is that true?
Yes. You don't
tell this early.
61
00:03:03,044 --> 00:03:05,288
How many times
you done this?
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00:03:05,426 --> 00:03:08,118
You're supposed to wait
three months in,
four months in.
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00:03:08,257 --> 00:03:10,017
There's a reason for that.
You know, things can happen.
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00:03:10,155 --> 00:03:12,157
Things can go wrong.
You're supposed to wait.
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00:03:12,295 --> 00:03:15,850
[DOOR BUZZING]
IRA: Open the damn door!
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00:03:15,988 --> 00:03:18,508
All right. Listen,
you know, it's your stick.
It's your urine.
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00:03:18,646 --> 00:03:20,407
Thank you.
68
00:03:20,545 --> 00:03:22,961
IRA: Come on, already!
All right! All right!
All right! All right!
69
00:03:23,099 --> 00:03:25,205
Hey, by the way,
nice going.
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00:03:25,343 --> 00:03:26,620
Hmm. You too.
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00:03:26,758 --> 00:03:28,691
IRA: All right, that's it,
stand back! I'm comin' in!
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00:03:30,313 --> 00:03:31,832
I think I'm bleedin'.
Oh, my God.
73
00:03:31,970 --> 00:03:32,936
Let me get you a bandage.
74
00:03:33,074 --> 00:03:34,352
What happened
to you?
75
00:03:34,490 --> 00:03:36,802
I'm walkin' down the street,
mindin' my own business.
76
00:03:36,940 --> 00:03:38,908
Some lady yells out,
"Hey, Jose!"
77
00:03:39,046 --> 00:03:41,151
I don't know why,
but I turn around.
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00:03:42,187 --> 00:03:44,431
You're not Jose.
Exactly.
79
00:03:44,569 --> 00:03:46,053
She's swingin' at me,
swingin' at me!
80
00:03:46,191 --> 00:03:47,813
I'm coverin' myself up.
I'm sayin', "I'm not Jose."
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00:03:47,951 --> 00:03:51,023
I am not Jose.
"Do I look like Jose?"
82
00:03:51,161 --> 00:03:52,542
I don't understand,
'cause you're not Jose.
83
00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:55,304
I know! But she thinks
that I'm Jose, Paulie.
84
00:03:55,442 --> 00:03:56,650
She's hittin' me
and grabbin' me!
85
00:03:56,788 --> 00:03:58,514
And she's cursin' at me
in Spanish.
86
00:04:00,447 --> 00:04:02,449
Is it possible that...
I am Jose?
87
00:04:04,105 --> 00:04:05,555
You're not Jose.
88
00:04:05,693 --> 00:04:07,316
Then what the hell
took you two so long
to answer the door?
89
00:04:07,454 --> 00:04:08,834
Oh, sorry about that.
We were just...
90
00:04:08,972 --> 00:04:10,457
Uh, debating.
Debating?
91
00:04:10,595 --> 00:04:12,631
More like discussing.
Discussing, debating.
92
00:04:12,769 --> 00:04:14,288
Debating, discussing,
speculating.
93
00:04:14,426 --> 00:04:16,083
Speculating.
Speculating? On what?
94
00:04:16,221 --> 00:04:17,464
Whatever.
Who remembers even now?
95
00:04:17,602 --> 00:04:19,983
Hey, guys,
what, what's going on?
96
00:04:20,121 --> 00:04:21,502
Nothing.
Paulie, come on
97
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:23,159
I know
something's going on.
98
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:24,367
All right...
Nothing is going on.
99
00:04:24,505 --> 00:04:25,472
Nothing is going on.
100
00:04:27,543 --> 00:04:29,545
Something is goin' on.
101
00:04:29,683 --> 00:04:31,063
All right.
Something is going on.
102
00:04:31,201 --> 00:04:32,168
Nothing is going on.
103
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:33,687
Nothing is going on.
104
00:04:33,825 --> 00:04:34,964
All right,
we're gonna tell you,
105
00:04:35,102 --> 00:04:36,448
but you have to promise
not to tell anybody.
106
00:04:36,586 --> 00:04:38,105
What are you doing?
I thought you said
nothing is going on.
107
00:04:38,243 --> 00:04:39,313
He knows something
is going on.
108
00:04:39,451 --> 00:04:40,901
Oh, something
is going on.
109
00:04:41,039 --> 00:04:42,005
The truth is...
110
00:04:42,143 --> 00:04:43,317
And this is
really something.
111
00:04:43,455 --> 00:04:45,285
We have to find
a new gynecologist.
112
00:04:46,527 --> 00:04:47,528
How about that?
113
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,843
Mark and Fran
are in Europe, so...
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00:04:51,981 --> 00:04:53,362
Is everything okay?
115
00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:55,433
Yes, yes, yes!
Everything's fine.
Everything's great.
116
00:04:55,571 --> 00:04:57,538
It's just a little...
It's a personal matter.
117
00:04:57,676 --> 00:04:58,643
Personal matter?
118
00:04:58,781 --> 00:04:59,782
It's a personal,
private, delicate...
119
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:00,955
It's a woman thing.
120
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:02,716
Say no more.
121
00:05:04,373 --> 00:05:05,822
I've been
going through
the yellow pages,
122
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,099
through friends'
recommendations,
123
00:05:07,237 --> 00:05:08,549
that article
in New Yorkmagazine
124
00:05:08,687 --> 00:05:10,413
on the best doctors
in New York.
125
00:05:10,551 --> 00:05:13,174
Hey, hey, hey!
What about Joan?
126
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:14,521
Joan who?
What, Debbie's Joan?
127
00:05:14,659 --> 00:05:16,316
Yeah, yeah. She's
a gynecologist.
128
00:05:16,454 --> 00:05:18,041
Yeah?
So?
129
00:05:18,179 --> 00:05:19,422
Yeah, but... No, right?
130
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:20,630
I don't think so.
Why?
131
00:05:20,768 --> 00:05:22,943
Well, it's just too weird.
I mean, Joan is...
132
00:05:23,081 --> 00:05:25,497
She's my sister's girlfriend.
She's family, you know...
133
00:05:25,635 --> 00:05:27,465
You don't want to go to family
for something like this.
134
00:05:27,603 --> 00:05:30,985
You know, if it were a foot
or, God forbid, a shoulder...
135
00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:33,436
Fine. You know, then
you could go see a friend
or an uncle or whatever.
136
00:05:33,574 --> 00:05:35,093
For something like this.
Yeah, something like this...
137
00:05:35,231 --> 00:05:37,164
To me, anything that
involves the removing
of the underwear.
138
00:05:37,302 --> 00:05:38,786
You... No, you don't
wanna mess around.
139
00:05:40,063 --> 00:05:42,480
And plus, Jamie is
gonna have the best.
140
00:05:42,618 --> 00:05:44,274
Oh, of course!
You know what I mean?
141
00:05:44,413 --> 00:05:46,242
You don't have
to have the best house
or the best car or the best...
142
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:47,588
You know,
piece of chicken...
143
00:05:47,726 --> 00:05:48,934
Hey, hey, you don't want
a bad piece of chicken.
144
00:05:49,072 --> 00:05:51,558
Certainly not,
but you understand
what I'm sayin'.
145
00:05:51,696 --> 00:05:53,111
You want the best.
Exactly.
146
00:05:53,249 --> 00:05:56,148
I understand.
In fact, I can help you.
147
00:05:56,286 --> 00:05:58,219
What, 'cause you have
a good gynecologist?
148
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,360
No, no, but I could
help find you one.
149
00:06:00,498 --> 00:06:03,155
I will find you
the best gynecologist
in New York City.
150
00:06:03,293 --> 00:06:04,294
Oh, you know what?
151
00:06:04,433 --> 00:06:05,330
Listen, you don't
have to do that.
152
00:06:05,468 --> 00:06:06,435
Come on.
It'll be a pleasure.
153
00:06:06,573 --> 00:06:07,470
Ira, really, you don't
have to do that.
154
00:06:07,608 --> 00:06:09,230
Please, allow me
to do this for you.
155
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,508
[DOOR BUZZING]
156
00:06:10,646 --> 00:06:11,854
There's no reason, really,
that you should...
157
00:06:11,992 --> 00:06:12,958
Hello?
158
00:06:13,096 --> 00:06:14,615
[WOMAN YELLING
IN SPANISH]
159
00:06:17,307 --> 00:06:18,308
Jose, it's for you.
160
00:06:24,487 --> 00:06:25,833
JAMIE: Okay.
This is for Thursday.
161
00:06:25,971 --> 00:06:27,732
We've got
Dr. Koeffler at 10:00,
162
00:06:27,870 --> 00:06:31,218
then I'll meet you
at Dr. Khalsa at 1:00
and at 3:00, Dr. Noh.
163
00:06:31,356 --> 00:06:33,634
Dr. No? You're gonna use
Sean Connery's gynecologist?
164
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,880
N-O-H. He's Korean.
165
00:06:38,018 --> 00:06:39,675
Just makin' a joke.
Don't be offended.
166
00:06:39,813 --> 00:06:41,401
We might have to go
with one of these guys
167
00:06:41,539 --> 00:06:43,057
if we can't get in
to see Dr. VonDerphal.
168
00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,818
♪ Dr. VonDerphal ♪
169
00:06:46,302 --> 00:06:47,786
You're gonna make fun
of every name or what?
170
00:06:47,924 --> 00:06:50,444
No, but come on,
Dr. VonDerphal?
He's askin' for it.
171
00:06:50,582 --> 00:06:52,342
He's the guy I was
telling you about.
172
00:06:52,481 --> 00:06:55,380
He's the best. New York
magazine did a whole
profile just on him.
173
00:06:55,518 --> 00:06:57,002
He was on Nightline.
174
00:06:57,140 --> 00:06:59,557
Anthony Edward's
character in ER
is based on this guy.
175
00:06:59,695 --> 00:07:00,834
Is that true?
Yes!
176
00:07:00,972 --> 00:07:02,732
That's so cool.
177
00:07:02,870 --> 00:07:05,632
Hey, listen, if VonDerphal
is the guy, and he's the best,
178
00:07:05,770 --> 00:07:07,116
then VonDerphal is the von.
179
00:07:07,254 --> 00:07:08,842
VonDerphal?
Dr. VonDerphal?
180
00:07:08,980 --> 00:07:10,637
Hey, Deb.
Hi.
181
00:07:10,775 --> 00:07:12,052
Hi.
Yeah.
182
00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:13,467
VonDerphal.
You're gonna see
Dr. VonDerphal?
183
00:07:13,605 --> 00:07:15,504
Is it VonDerphal,
or Von-DER-phal?
184
00:07:15,642 --> 00:07:18,610
'Cause either way,
it's quite vonderful.
185
00:07:18,748 --> 00:07:21,475
It's nothing. It's just...
It's a woman thing.
186
00:07:21,613 --> 00:07:23,235
I should think so.
And Mark's outta town,
187
00:07:23,373 --> 00:07:25,134
so, we're just gonna see...
Why don't you go see Joan?
188
00:07:25,272 --> 00:07:26,376
I'll get you an appointment.
189
00:07:26,515 --> 00:07:27,792
No. That's okay.
We don't wanna bother you.
190
00:07:27,930 --> 00:07:29,863
Oh, no bother.
I'll call her
right after lunch.
191
00:07:30,001 --> 00:07:31,036
You shouldn't
go out of your way,
because Mark...
192
00:07:31,174 --> 00:07:32,210
Just consider it done.
193
00:07:33,832 --> 00:07:38,527
So... Only 96 hours,
15 minutes, and 12 seconds
194
00:07:38,665 --> 00:07:40,667
until Mom and Dad
finally meet Joan.
195
00:07:40,805 --> 00:07:44,084
Relax. I'm sure
the big news was that
you have a girlfriend.
196
00:07:44,222 --> 00:07:45,879
Yeah. Now you're
just giving them a face
197
00:07:46,017 --> 00:07:49,227
to attach all
the sleepless nights
spent crying.
198
00:07:49,365 --> 00:07:50,780
Thank you, Paul.
199
00:07:50,918 --> 00:07:53,127
See how nice I am
when you come out
of the closet.
200
00:07:57,546 --> 00:07:58,512
What does she mean by that?
201
00:07:58,650 --> 00:08:00,549
Anyway, for the big
Joan meeting,
202
00:08:00,687 --> 00:08:02,620
I still can't decide.
Dinner or lunch?
203
00:08:02,758 --> 00:08:05,174
Well, it's really
which would you rather
see Mom choke on?
204
00:08:06,175 --> 00:08:07,625
Lunch.
205
00:08:07,763 --> 00:08:09,937
Yes?
Lunch. Definitely.
206
00:08:10,075 --> 00:08:11,283
Daylight.
207
00:08:11,421 --> 00:08:12,802
Okay.
208
00:08:12,940 --> 00:08:14,873
'Cause I have it down
to two restaurants.
209
00:08:15,011 --> 00:08:15,978
Uh, Tavern on the Green...
210
00:08:16,116 --> 00:08:17,462
Nope.
DEBBIE: No?
211
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,016
A restaurant?
A neutral location? Uh-uh.
212
00:08:20,154 --> 00:08:22,053
Neutral location. Uh-uh.
213
00:08:22,191 --> 00:08:24,642
Neutral Location.
She'll eat you alive.
214
00:08:24,780 --> 00:08:26,195
This... This is interesting.
215
00:08:26,333 --> 00:08:28,680
You need the home
field advantage,
your own backyard.
216
00:08:28,818 --> 00:08:32,235
Yes, because then,
she can't ambush me
in my own living room.
217
00:08:32,373 --> 00:08:35,031
She can, but it's
a little bit more difficult.
218
00:08:35,169 --> 00:08:37,413
Listen to her.
She's very clever
about this.
219
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,622
Yes, yes.
This is exactly
what I'm gonna do.
220
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,348
I'm gonna have
a nice sit-down lunch.
221
00:08:41,486 --> 00:08:42,832
No. No, no, no, no, no.
222
00:08:42,970 --> 00:08:44,316
No.
Buffet.
223
00:08:44,454 --> 00:08:45,870
Buffet.
Buffet, buffet, buffet.
224
00:08:46,008 --> 00:08:48,735
Mollifies her,
gives her the illusion
of control.
225
00:08:48,873 --> 00:08:50,978
You... You could do this
professionally.
226
00:08:51,116 --> 00:08:52,359
I'm telling you,
she's very good.
227
00:08:52,497 --> 00:08:53,774
Yeah. This is exactly
what I'm gonna do.
228
00:08:53,912 --> 00:08:55,707
I'm gonna go cancel
the reservation,
229
00:08:55,845 --> 00:08:58,296
and while I'm doing it,
I'm gonna call Dr. Joan.
230
00:08:58,434 --> 00:09:00,609
Oh, wait!
Before you do that,
you know what...
231
00:09:00,747 --> 00:09:02,438
Oh, now she's
gonna call Joan.
232
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:04,302
I knew we weren't
gonna get out of it.
233
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:05,786
Very nice advice
you were giving her.
234
00:09:05,924 --> 00:09:07,995
It won't do her any good.
Why is that?
235
00:09:08,133 --> 00:09:10,929
She's bringing
a nice young woman
home to your mother?
236
00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:12,310
Hah! She's dead.
237
00:09:14,036 --> 00:09:15,969
You don't seem so much
broken up about it.
238
00:09:16,107 --> 00:09:17,280
No, no, no.
I'm very sad.
239
00:09:17,418 --> 00:09:18,799
[LAUGHING SINISTERLY]
240
00:09:19,662 --> 00:09:20,594
What's wrong with you?
241
00:09:20,732 --> 00:09:22,147
I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
242
00:09:22,285 --> 00:09:24,287
but since the day
I joined your family,
243
00:09:24,425 --> 00:09:26,600
I've been at the bottom
of your mother's totem pole.
244
00:09:26,738 --> 00:09:28,429
I'm looking forward
to moving up a notch.
245
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,811
Don't get me wrong.
It's terrible for Joan.
246
00:09:30,949 --> 00:09:32,295
I feel really bad.
247
00:09:32,433 --> 00:09:34,228
[LAUGHING SINISTERLY]
248
00:09:36,265 --> 00:09:37,404
JAMIE:
We'll be polite to Joan,
249
00:09:37,542 --> 00:09:38,923
make your sister happy,
and be done with it.
250
00:09:41,684 --> 00:09:43,617
Yes, it's official.
You're pregnant.
251
00:09:44,169 --> 00:09:45,792
Hey.
Hey.
252
00:09:45,930 --> 00:09:48,380
I'm telling you,
those sticks are gonna
put me out of business.
253
00:09:48,518 --> 00:09:50,900
Four weeks.
You were right,
just like you said.
254
00:09:51,038 --> 00:09:53,627
Good HCG levels.
Everything seems normal.
255
00:09:53,765 --> 00:09:54,904
Congratulations.
256
00:09:55,042 --> 00:09:56,181
Okay. Well, thank you.
257
00:09:56,319 --> 00:09:58,287
So, you told Debbie
you had a little, uh...
258
00:09:58,425 --> 00:10:00,047
Woman thing.
Very good.
259
00:10:00,185 --> 00:10:01,842
That was because, uh,
you're not ready
to tell the family yet?
260
00:10:01,980 --> 00:10:03,499
Exactly.
JOAN: I understand.
261
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,950
I was advised
by patients to lie
to those closest to them.
262
00:10:06,088 --> 00:10:07,572
Just because
you never know.
263
00:10:07,710 --> 00:10:09,539
So, I'm gonna write you
a prescription
for prenatal vitamins,
264
00:10:09,678 --> 00:10:12,266
and, uh, you should make
an appointment to see me
in about two weeks.
265
00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:13,440
Uh, okay.
Okay.
266
00:10:13,578 --> 00:10:15,511
You're lying right now,
aren't you?
267
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,755
No... No, we're not!
No, we're not.
268
00:10:17,893 --> 00:10:19,273
Yeah, we kinda...
We are, actually,
a little bit.
269
00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:21,828
Sure. You're interviewing
a whole bunch of OB-GYNs,
270
00:10:21,966 --> 00:10:24,416
and the only reason
I'm among them is because
Debbie foisted me on you.
271
00:10:24,554 --> 00:10:27,247
No, no, no, no.
That's not it.
No, that's not true.
272
00:10:27,385 --> 00:10:29,732
Kinda... She did.
It's a little
bit true, I guess.
273
00:10:29,870 --> 00:10:31,458
You're probably going
to see Dr. Wonderful.
274
00:10:31,596 --> 00:10:33,149
No, no, no, no, no.
No, we're not.
275
00:10:33,287 --> 00:10:34,634
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow, I think.
276
00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:37,222
Okay, here.
Take your vitamins,
277
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,673
get plenty of rest,
and work on the lying.
278
00:10:39,811 --> 00:10:41,537
And if you should
choose to come back,
just call the office.
279
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,849
If not, I'll see you
at the luncheon.
280
00:10:44,367 --> 00:10:45,955
JOAN: Take care!
Thank you! You too.
281
00:10:46,093 --> 00:10:48,406
We'll call ya!
JOAN: No, you won't!
282
00:10:48,544 --> 00:10:50,028
No, but I mean
for coffee or something.
283
00:10:52,513 --> 00:10:54,239
IRA: Oh, that was great.
284
00:10:54,377 --> 00:10:55,965
I mean, really,
really great.
285
00:10:56,103 --> 00:10:57,208
Yeah.
286
00:10:58,761 --> 00:11:00,211
Listen, let me
ask you something.
287
00:11:00,349 --> 00:11:01,799
Yeah?
288
00:11:01,937 --> 00:11:03,421
Who's your gynecologist?
289
00:11:04,974 --> 00:11:06,976
What?
What do you mean, what?
We're getting closer.
290
00:11:07,114 --> 00:11:08,944
We've... We've become
very intimate,
291
00:11:09,082 --> 00:11:10,324
but I just want...
292
00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:13,017
I want to know everything
there is to know about you.
293
00:11:13,155 --> 00:11:15,364
Where did you go to school?
Where are you from?
294
00:11:16,365 --> 00:11:17,711
Who's your gynecologist?
295
00:11:18,816 --> 00:11:20,127
Liar!
[GROANS]
296
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,376
This Dr. VonDerphal,
he's unbeliebable.
297
00:11:28,342 --> 00:11:29,861
Honey, go like this.
298
00:11:32,968 --> 00:11:34,659
That's how big
the baby is right now!
299
00:11:36,868 --> 00:11:38,767
Oh, he's just gonna
get teased a lot.
300
00:11:42,253 --> 00:11:43,806
[DOOR BUZZING]
301
00:11:43,944 --> 00:11:46,878
Who is?
DEBBIE: It's Debbie and Joan!
302
00:11:47,016 --> 00:11:49,985
I am just never
gonna get to finish
this article.
303
00:11:50,123 --> 00:11:52,021
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[DOOR BUZZING]
304
00:11:52,159 --> 00:11:53,782
Really? So, what...
305
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,128
You change the diaper
with, like, a little
tweezer or something?
306
00:11:56,405 --> 00:11:58,718
All right.
You have a fish knife.
307
00:11:58,856 --> 00:11:59,857
Why do you
say it like that?
308
00:11:59,995 --> 00:12:00,961
You have a fish knife!
I know you do.
309
00:12:01,099 --> 00:12:02,998
Don't lie to me!
I gave it to you!
310
00:12:03,136 --> 00:12:05,517
Just admit it!
Unless you sold it,
you have one!
311
00:12:05,655 --> 00:12:07,036
JOAN: She's very nervous
about the lunch.
312
00:12:07,174 --> 00:12:09,659
Oh, then by all means,
let's give her
a sharp knife.
313
00:12:09,798 --> 00:12:12,248
I am not nervous
about the lunch.
314
00:12:12,386 --> 00:12:14,319
I'm serving trout,
which is a huge gamble.
315
00:12:14,457 --> 00:12:15,389
You know, delicious?
Yes.
316
00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:16,839
But more bones
than, than, than
317
00:12:16,977 --> 00:12:18,461
what, what, what has
a lot of bones?
318
00:12:18,599 --> 00:12:20,256
Skeleton! Big skeleton.
319
00:12:20,394 --> 00:12:21,602
Okay, okay. Here we go.
320
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,673
Everybody, take it easy.
It's all gonna be fine.
321
00:12:23,812 --> 00:12:24,744
Thank you.
322
00:12:24,882 --> 00:12:26,021
You need anything else?
323
00:12:26,159 --> 00:12:28,678
No. No.
324
00:12:28,817 --> 00:12:30,197
No.
What about the casserole dish?
325
00:12:30,335 --> 00:12:31,233
Casserole dish!
326
00:12:31,371 --> 00:12:33,304
[ALL MUTTERING]
327
00:12:33,442 --> 00:12:34,857
Here, here!
Here you go! Here you go.
328
00:12:34,995 --> 00:12:36,686
Casserole...
Okay.
329
00:12:37,342 --> 00:12:38,343
Anything else?
330
00:12:38,481 --> 00:12:39,413
No.
331
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:40,587
No.
332
00:12:40,725 --> 00:12:41,691
No.
333
00:12:41,830 --> 00:12:42,762
What about
the garlic press?
334
00:12:42,900 --> 00:12:43,866
Garlic press!
335
00:12:44,004 --> 00:12:45,316
[ALL MUTTERING]
336
00:12:46,455 --> 00:12:47,801
Here you go.
Here, here, here.
337
00:12:47,939 --> 00:12:49,354
Yes.
All right.
338
00:12:49,492 --> 00:12:51,253
Anything else?
Anything else?
339
00:12:51,391 --> 00:12:52,357
A whisk!
A whisk!
340
00:12:52,495 --> 00:12:53,496
Wait!
341
00:12:58,570 --> 00:12:59,779
And about
a gallon of wine.
342
00:12:59,917 --> 00:13:01,366
You know they're
not heavy drinkers.
343
00:13:01,504 --> 00:13:03,265
It's for me. Now.
344
00:13:03,403 --> 00:13:04,335
She's nervous
about the lunch.
345
00:13:04,473 --> 00:13:05,888
I'm not nervous
about the lunch!
346
00:13:06,026 --> 00:13:07,096
All right,
I'm nervous.
347
00:13:07,234 --> 00:13:08,857
I don't know
why I'm nervous. [CHUCKLES]
348
00:13:08,995 --> 00:13:10,962
Mom's gonna meet Joan.
Well, maybe that's why.
349
00:13:12,274 --> 00:13:13,931
All right, you guys.
What should we drink to?
350
00:13:14,069 --> 00:13:16,450
To your family.
My family...
351
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:18,487
Dysfunctional,
judgmental,
352
00:13:18,625 --> 00:13:20,903
intolerant, oppressive,
petty, and small.
353
00:13:21,041 --> 00:13:22,871
Yes, but we get everything
when they die.
354
00:13:25,528 --> 00:13:27,116
Oh, honey, honey,
honey, honey, honey, honey!
355
00:13:27,254 --> 00:13:28,221
Oh, my God.
356
00:13:29,153 --> 00:13:30,810
What?
357
00:13:30,948 --> 00:13:33,536
Antibiotics! I put her
on antibiotics for the, um...
358
00:13:33,674 --> 00:13:35,884
For... That's... Woman thing.
Right.
359
00:13:36,022 --> 00:13:38,576
Aw, isn't that cute.
What?
360
00:13:38,714 --> 00:13:41,165
Oh, well, you know,
you're their doctor.
361
00:13:41,303 --> 00:13:43,029
You're giving them
a little antibiotics.
362
00:13:43,167 --> 00:13:44,789
You're taking care
of my brother's wife.
363
00:13:44,927 --> 00:13:47,274
It's cute. I like it.
It makes me happy.
364
00:13:47,412 --> 00:13:48,379
Okay, but you know what?
365
00:13:48,517 --> 00:13:49,967
Deb, actually...
What?
366
00:13:50,105 --> 00:13:51,140
We're actually...
Actually, they're still
looking around.
367
00:13:51,278 --> 00:13:52,452
What do you mean,
you're looking around?
368
00:13:52,590 --> 00:13:53,798
You got the best
doctor in the city
right here.
369
00:13:53,936 --> 00:13:55,317
No, no. I don't...
We're not looking around.
370
00:13:55,455 --> 00:13:56,939
We're just... We're
exploring our options.
371
00:13:57,077 --> 00:13:59,045
Oh, well,
so long as you're not
looking around.
372
00:13:59,183 --> 00:14:01,737
PAUL: Deb...
Yeah, this is hugely
insulting.
373
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,463
Debbie,
it is not insulting.
374
00:14:03,601 --> 00:14:05,120
I'm sorry, but it is.
375
00:14:05,258 --> 00:14:07,398
You're saying that
you don't trust
my judgment in people
376
00:14:07,536 --> 00:14:09,262
and that you don't think
Joan is a good enough
doctor for you.
377
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,608
That's not
what they're saying!
378
00:14:10,746 --> 00:14:11,678
That is exactly
what they're saying!
379
00:14:11,816 --> 00:14:12,817
Can I have the knife,
please?
380
00:14:14,923 --> 00:14:16,027
I have to go
to the bathroom.
381
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:18,961
She's nervous
about the lunch.
382
00:14:23,345 --> 00:14:27,797
♪ Did you ever have
to make up your mind?
383
00:14:27,936 --> 00:14:31,594
♪ And pick up on one
and leave the other behind
384
00:14:31,732 --> 00:14:35,219
♪ It's not often easy
and not often kind
385
00:14:35,357 --> 00:14:39,119
♪ Did you ever have
to make up your mind?
386
00:14:39,257 --> 00:14:41,846
♪ Did you ever have
to finally decide ♪
387
00:14:41,984 --> 00:14:43,952
JAMIE:
Look at this place.
It's like a museum.
388
00:14:44,090 --> 00:14:45,988
Okay. Can I say one thing?
Picasso!
389
00:14:46,609 --> 00:14:48,094
Wow.
390
00:14:48,232 --> 00:14:50,579
It's a woman giving birth
to her own face.
391
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,585
This is the fanciest
room I've ever been in
in my entire life.
392
00:14:56,723 --> 00:14:58,932
Okay. See? Now I want
to be a woman.
393
00:14:59,070 --> 00:15:00,727
All right. Sit down.
He's gonna come in
in a minute.
394
00:15:00,865 --> 00:15:02,591
Sit down.
I'm sitting. I'm sitting.
395
00:15:04,455 --> 00:15:06,284
What's wrong
with your hair?
What?
396
00:15:06,422 --> 00:15:07,561
It looks weird.
It's not.
397
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:08,631
It's pointy.
Leave it alone.
398
00:15:08,769 --> 00:15:09,667
Why is it pointy?
Leave it alone.
399
00:15:09,805 --> 00:15:11,186
Go like this.
It's fine.
400
00:15:11,324 --> 00:15:12,463
Pat it down in the back.
Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat.
401
00:15:12,601 --> 00:15:13,913
I am. I'm patting. I'm...
402
00:15:14,983 --> 00:15:16,087
Hello.
403
00:15:16,225 --> 00:15:18,262
You must be Paul and Jamie.
404
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,746
You must be
Dr. VonDerphal.
405
00:15:19,884 --> 00:15:22,404
Is it VonDerphal
or Von-DER-phal?
406
00:15:22,542 --> 00:15:25,303
'Cause I gotta tell ya,
either way,
it's quite... What?
407
00:15:33,794 --> 00:15:35,037
IRA: Yeah.
Two of the glazed.
408
00:15:35,658 --> 00:15:36,694
Please.
409
00:15:37,419 --> 00:15:38,558
And anything else?
410
00:15:38,696 --> 00:15:40,594
Yeah, yeah.
One of the twists.
Okay.
411
00:15:41,354 --> 00:15:42,769
And anything else?
412
00:15:44,184 --> 00:15:45,599
Uh...
413
00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:48,085
Yeah. Yeah,
as a matter of fact. Um...
414
00:15:49,707 --> 00:15:51,122
Who's your gynecologist?
415
00:15:57,749 --> 00:15:59,544
[DOOR BUZZING]
DEBBIE: Who is it?
416
00:15:59,682 --> 00:16:01,339
BURT: It' Burt and Sylvia.
417
00:16:01,477 --> 00:16:02,892
Burt and Sylvia Buchman.
418
00:16:03,031 --> 00:16:04,066
Your parents.
419
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,413
She knows!
Hi!
420
00:16:06,551 --> 00:16:10,210
Why are you screaming?
We're not that old.
421
00:16:10,348 --> 00:16:13,834
Wow. Have you
changed this place
since I was here.
422
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:18,425
Got a new sofa, new lamp,
new club chair.
423
00:16:18,563 --> 00:16:19,737
Where is she?
424
00:16:21,049 --> 00:16:22,429
Hi, everyone.
425
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:25,915
My lord. You are
a strapping young woman.
426
00:16:28,608 --> 00:16:29,781
Hello.
427
00:16:29,919 --> 00:16:31,335
Hi. I'm Joan.
428
00:16:31,473 --> 00:16:34,096
I'm Debbie's mother,
Sylvia Buchman.
429
00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:37,513
And I'm Burt.
Burt Buchman.
430
00:16:37,651 --> 00:16:40,965
Uh, Sylvia's husband,
and also, Debbie's father.
431
00:16:41,103 --> 00:16:42,277
Can you imagine?
432
00:16:44,210 --> 00:16:45,866
Here. Let me take
your coat, Mrs. Buchman.
433
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,592
Sylvia. Please.
434
00:16:47,730 --> 00:16:49,111
Sylvia.
Thank you.
435
00:16:49,249 --> 00:16:50,216
And Mr. Buchman?
436
00:16:50,354 --> 00:16:52,114
You want my coat?
I do.
437
00:16:52,252 --> 00:16:53,943
Hey, how about this?
438
00:16:57,464 --> 00:16:59,259
You know,
I'll miss the bottom
of the totem pole.
439
00:17:00,226 --> 00:17:02,814
Really?
No, not really.
440
00:17:02,952 --> 00:17:04,920
[UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER]
441
00:17:06,887 --> 00:17:08,958
What the hell was that?
442
00:17:09,097 --> 00:17:12,341
And the camp called
and said, "I'm sorry,
443
00:17:12,479 --> 00:17:15,068
"but your daughter can
no longer take archery!"
444
00:17:15,206 --> 00:17:17,174
[ALL LAUGHING]
445
00:17:20,729 --> 00:17:21,730
[DOOR BUZZING]
446
00:17:23,559 --> 00:17:25,182
SYLVIA: Debbie,
she's delightful.
447
00:17:25,699 --> 00:17:27,701
[LAUGHTER]
448
00:17:29,669 --> 00:17:31,429
I don't wanna go in.
449
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:33,811
Well, are you gonna come in,
or are you going to
explore your options?
450
00:17:35,571 --> 00:17:36,710
We brought cake.
451
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:38,195
Put it over there.
452
00:17:38,333 --> 00:17:40,059
Listen, what's the matter?
JAMIE: It's nothing.
453
00:17:40,197 --> 00:17:41,232
It's not nothing.
It's something.
454
00:17:41,370 --> 00:17:42,716
Okay. Do we have
to discuss this right now?
455
00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:44,718
No, we don't have
to discuss this now.
Let's eat.
456
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,444
Good! I'm starving.
457
00:17:46,582 --> 00:17:47,790
SYLVIA: Me too.
458
00:17:47,928 --> 00:17:51,070
Oh! Look at
those beautiful dishes!
459
00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:52,588
Where did you get them?
460
00:17:52,726 --> 00:17:53,969
Rhinebeck,
the crafts fair.
461
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,557
Oh, I love it there.
We go there.
462
00:17:55,695 --> 00:17:57,041
Remember, Burt?
No.
463
00:17:58,387 --> 00:18:00,976
Is this that soy cheese?
Yes.
464
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,874
Burt, this is
that soy cheese.
465
00:18:03,012 --> 00:18:04,221
[SARCASTICALLY] Great!
466
00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:06,671
I heard about this.
Where did you get it?
467
00:18:06,809 --> 00:18:08,087
Oh, a little place uptown.
468
00:18:08,225 --> 00:18:10,123
I stopped in right after
Jamie said they were looking
469
00:18:10,261 --> 00:18:13,022
for a new gynecologist,
and it wouldn't be Joan.
470
00:18:13,161 --> 00:18:15,163
What?
It's nothing.
It's nothing.
471
00:18:15,301 --> 00:18:16,992
What is this, aspic?
Uh-huh.
472
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,684
Yeah, I got that
right after Paul said
Joan wouldn't do,
473
00:18:19,822 --> 00:18:21,583
that they needed
to shop around.
474
00:18:21,721 --> 00:18:23,136
Deb...
Sylvia, you can understand...
475
00:18:23,274 --> 00:18:25,552
Understand what?
My position.
It's very...
476
00:18:25,690 --> 00:18:28,141
No, no, no,
I do not understand.
477
00:18:28,279 --> 00:18:31,558
Joan is your sister-in-law.
Essentially.
478
00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:35,735
Really?
Not only that,
but, if I may...
479
00:18:35,873 --> 00:18:37,116
She's a lesbian.
480
00:18:37,254 --> 00:18:38,807
She knows about
these things, right?
481
00:18:41,637 --> 00:18:43,570
Uh... Yes.
482
00:18:43,708 --> 00:18:44,882
Thank you.
483
00:18:45,020 --> 00:18:48,506
You know what? I never
even thought of that.
484
00:18:48,644 --> 00:18:50,025
See?
485
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,510
You got some kind of
problem with Joan?
486
00:18:52,648 --> 00:18:54,133
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
487
00:18:54,271 --> 00:18:56,721
You know, you would
expect a little more
open-mindedness
488
00:18:56,859 --> 00:18:58,171
from the liberals.
489
00:18:59,414 --> 00:19:01,416
Sylvia, let me
just say one thing.
490
00:19:01,554 --> 00:19:03,832
What, now she's
a member of a militia group?
491
00:19:03,970 --> 00:19:05,937
No, only if New York
magazine says
492
00:19:06,075 --> 00:19:08,595
it's the best militia group
with the nicest bombs
493
00:19:08,733 --> 00:19:11,736
and the most fashionable
uniforms.
494
00:19:11,874 --> 00:19:15,809
Okay. Look, Paul and Jamie
are choosing a doctor,
495
00:19:15,947 --> 00:19:18,467
which is a very personal,
private matter.
496
00:19:18,605 --> 00:19:21,332
It's a decision
which could affect
the rest of their lives,
497
00:19:21,470 --> 00:19:24,715
and that is why no one,
even with the best
of intentions,
498
00:19:24,853 --> 00:19:28,132
should ever dare to put
any pressure on them.
499
00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:32,792
My best professional advice
is everybody, back off.
500
00:19:37,624 --> 00:19:38,591
SYLVIA: You know what?
501
00:19:39,143 --> 00:19:40,317
She's right.
502
00:19:43,734 --> 00:19:45,149
Really?
503
00:19:45,287 --> 00:19:46,357
You know,
she's quite the orator.
504
00:19:46,495 --> 00:19:47,462
Huh.
505
00:19:48,670 --> 00:19:50,499
She certainly is...
506
00:19:50,637 --> 00:19:51,742
Bottom of the totem pole.
Oh, yeah.
507
00:19:57,023 --> 00:19:58,956
[VACUUM WHIRRING]
508
00:20:06,757 --> 00:20:07,827
Consuela...
509
00:20:07,965 --> 00:20:09,311
[TURNS VACUUM OFF]
510
00:20:09,449 --> 00:20:11,071
Let me ask you something.
511
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,349
[SMACK]
[IRA GROANS]
512
00:20:12,487 --> 00:20:13,453
[GLASS BREAKING]
513
00:20:18,113 --> 00:20:21,185
Someone's gonna have
to marry a bank-robbing,
puppy-kicking serial killer
514
00:20:21,323 --> 00:20:23,636
before I stand any chance
of getting in good
with your mother.
515
00:20:25,051 --> 00:20:26,811
Oh, just hang in there.
516
00:20:26,949 --> 00:20:28,606
Listen, the minute
my mother finds out
517
00:20:28,744 --> 00:20:30,539
that you are carrying
her genetic material...
518
00:20:30,677 --> 00:20:33,162
Pfft! You're gonna
fly right to the top
of her totem pole.
519
00:20:34,992 --> 00:20:35,993
Or not.
520
00:20:39,617 --> 00:20:41,999
[ANSWERING MACHINE]
Hi, this is Claudia
from Dr. VonDerphal's office.
521
00:20:42,137 --> 00:20:45,830
Congratulations.
Dr. VonDerphal will be able
to take you on as a patient.
522
00:20:45,968 --> 00:20:47,832
Please call to arrange
an appointment.
523
00:20:47,970 --> 00:20:49,213
[BEEP]
524
00:20:50,973 --> 00:20:52,389
Huh.
525
00:20:52,527 --> 00:20:53,838
Can I tell you
what I'm thinking?
526
00:20:54,943 --> 00:20:56,013
Joan?
Joan!
527
00:20:56,151 --> 00:20:57,532
Yeah, I mean...
She's nice!
528
00:20:57,670 --> 00:20:59,327
She's really nice.
And she's competent.
She's competent.
529
00:20:59,465 --> 00:21:00,845
She's smart.
She's competent.
She's kind.
530
00:21:00,983 --> 00:21:02,122
Really kind.
Very kind.
531
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:03,572
Like she wouldn't
hurt a fly kinda kind.
532
00:21:03,710 --> 00:21:05,885
I can see why
your sister loves her.
533
00:21:06,541 --> 00:21:07,507
So, Joan.
534
00:21:07,645 --> 00:21:08,577
Joan.
Yeah.
535
00:21:08,715 --> 00:21:09,958
All right.
There it is.
536
00:21:10,096 --> 00:21:11,270
Hey, we got you
a doctor.
537
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,101
That's our very first
parental decision.
538
00:21:15,239 --> 00:21:16,861
Look at that.
539
00:21:16,999 --> 00:21:18,725
Um... Little person...
540
00:21:18,863 --> 00:21:20,140
[CHUCKLES]
541
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:23,730
Your mother
and I have decided
to go with Joan.
542
00:21:24,835 --> 00:21:25,836
[DOOR BUZZING]
543
00:21:29,218 --> 00:21:30,703
Okay. That's the second time
that happened now.
544
00:21:30,841 --> 00:21:32,325
[DOOR BUZZING]
545
00:21:32,463 --> 00:21:34,569
It's some sort of,
like, freakish thing
going on there.
546
00:21:34,707 --> 00:21:36,018
I'm a little uncomfortable.
547
00:21:37,641 --> 00:21:39,021
I'll tell ya this.
548
00:21:39,159 --> 00:21:41,645
It is not information
that women part with easily.
549
00:21:48,030 --> 00:21:49,031
What?
550
00:21:49,169 --> 00:21:51,240
The best gynecologist
in New York
551
00:21:51,379 --> 00:21:53,519
is apparently this guy,
Dr. VonDerphal.
552
00:21:53,657 --> 00:21:54,865
Oh, yeah, we know.
Yeah, but we decided
553
00:21:55,003 --> 00:21:56,315
we're gonna go with Joan.
Thanks, though.
554
00:22:07,981 --> 00:22:10,121
Hello, Debbie.
Yeah, this is your mother.
555
00:22:10,259 --> 00:22:12,745
Yeah. I just wanted
to tell you that
your father and I
556
00:22:12,883 --> 00:22:14,125
thought that Joan
was wonderful.
557
00:22:14,263 --> 00:22:15,506
Strapping.
Yes.
558
00:22:15,644 --> 00:22:17,336
Tell her strapping.
559
00:22:17,474 --> 00:22:20,373
Yeah, she was wonderful,
and she was charming.
560
00:22:20,511 --> 00:22:21,857
Tell her strapping.
She's strapping.
561
00:22:21,995 --> 00:22:23,307
I heard you, already.
562
00:22:23,445 --> 00:22:24,619
But you're
not saying it.
563
00:22:24,757 --> 00:22:26,034
All right!
So, you say it.
564
00:22:26,172 --> 00:22:27,794
Oh, hello, Debbie.
565
00:22:27,932 --> 00:22:31,833
Yeah. Joan is charming
and wonderful.
566
00:22:31,971 --> 00:22:33,317
And strapping.
567
00:22:33,455 --> 00:22:35,526
She's a very
strapping young woman.
568
00:22:37,390 --> 00:22:38,357
[HOOVES BEATING]
MAN: In front.
41756
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