All language subtitles for lovesick.s01e04.720p.hdtv.x264-tla

~ Marry in a church, get divorced
in a warm office with comfy chairs.
~ That's good!

~ Maybe this will be us someday. ~ No.

You just said "No" quite firmly.

So, moving in with Mal?

Yeah. Got to put my stuff somewhere.

Pass me my pants, please.

No! Look...

I'm not in a good place.

I don't want to fuck things up
for you and Mal.

~ How was it? ~ Yeah, you know.

I'm just going to take a shower.

'It's good to see you.'

I mean... it actually is.

You were an excellent receptionist.

I think I put "prompt and courteous"
on the little feedback card.

Oh, that was you?

~ I got Employee of the Month
because of that comment.
~ THEY LAUGH

Well, you know, you earned it
the hard way.

What happened to the girl
from the wedding?

Helen, the bride?
Yeah, she and Angus split up.

He's... he's on our sofa.

No, the one you arrived with.

The one who took your room.

Yeah...

I, er, I bumped into her recently,
actually.

She's a character.

But at the time I thought, um...

I was really sure,
for a while. You know?

Yeah. I do.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Not just friends.

More than friends.

Agh! Friends, but...

Friends, but more than that.

Oh, fucking hell.

Say it. Say it. Say it.

You were gone a while.

Yeah, um, well...

Don't need to know details. Ha!

Well, apart from whatever that was,
are you having a good birthday?

Yeah. Um...

~ But I want to talk to you
about something. ~ Hey, hey -

wouldn't it be great if more
of your friends could've joined us?

~ No. ~ Really? ~ There's something
that I need to tell you.

Surprise!

~ What were you going to say?
~ Ah, Jane's here. ~ Hey, hey,

you know how you said you didn't
want to spend another birthday
as a single woman?

~ I definitely didn't say that.
~ You said it with your eyes.

Well, here is your first present
from me -

a hot date with an actual human man.

Surprise!

Jonno, get over here.

All right?

I'm Jonno.

I read your profile, twice.

~ I think we could be really
simpatico. ~ What's my profile?

You're on some dating sites.

Why?!

To meet people, obviously.

But they were all weirdos,
so I found Jonno by the photocopier.

I'm Jonno.

~ Jonno. ~ Hm.

Angus was there,
on his knees, asking,

and the word "Yes" just
popped out of me like a baby.

Two weeks till the big day.
Nervous?

Absolutely not.
Are you seeing anyone now?

~ I'm Jonno. ~ No, I'm not.

What about you, Dyl?

This is Jane.
Er, we met a couple of weeks ago.

Oh. When you know, you know.

Know what?

Things.

Excuse me, I'm just...

So, Evie. You've got 30 seconds
to blow my mind.

What are you leading with?

Has anyone ever proposed
to you yet, Jane?

Excuse me, just got to, um...

~ Dylan?
~ SHE KNOCKS DOOR
~ Let me in.

Um...

What's up?

You. In about... 20 seconds.

Oh, erm...
Oh, I haven't washed my hands.

That's dirty.

Um, yeah, but not in a good way.

Shall I just nip out
and give them a quick rinse?

What, what, what do you want me
to do with your pants?

There's no coat hook.

Not wearing any.

Oh.
BUCKLE CLINKS, ZIP

That's um... that's a great answer.

I'll tell you what I want to know.

I'm sure you will.

What are you afraid of? Boom.

I bet no-one's asked you that
on a date before, have they?

This isn't a date.

No - technically,
it's a birthday party

with a date happening inside it.

I say, let's make it a date

with a party happening nearby.

Do you feel me?

This IS a surprise party.

Mm, I don't know
why people bother with beds.

I mean, we've got walls,
somewhere to sit,

somewhere to flush the condom
afterwards. I'm never...

HEAVY PETTING

My hand's dirty too.

Augh!

Ow, my finger!

My fucking ankle!

~ Guys? ~ Ow, my finger!

Guys, are you OK...?

AMBULANCE SIREN

It was a judgment call.

~ You've a very tense bum.
~ Not usually.

Well, my finger's EXTREMELY painful.

That's like blaming the ground
for being hard if you fall on it.

Well, the ground wouldn't go
all tense.

It might, if you stuck
your finger in it without asking.

I was trying to do something nice.

Oh, well, er...

breakfast in bed is nice.

Or... a book token.

Not a book token shoved inside me,

just, um, you know,

handed to me, perhaps, in a card.

Well, I'm learning a lot tonight.

Er, flowers are a nice gift too,
you know?

But again, not given anally.

Favourite film.
Just putting that out there.

Jonno, it's all right to go home.
The evening's over.

Oh, no, no, no.
I never abandon a date.

I once lost a girl at a party.

Took me two hours to find her again,

but I did.

Happy ending?

No.

Just give me one shot, OK?

~ Do you want to come back to mine?
~ No.

Oh, that's a good choice. Excellent.
It's just too early...

Is that your one shot?

No, no.

It's just a...

.. general enquiry.

So when you get my one shot,
you'll know it.

Can we talk... outside?

Yeah, er...

It would be a tragedy,
if we were ill for our special day,

and there are a number
of sick people in here

that could be contagious.

It's a hospital. I think that's clear
on most of the signs.

Perhaps we could wait in our car?

I could give you our phone number
and you could give us a call.

Like a hotel wake-up call?

Exactly.

Do you want to order breakfast?

Angus. You have to stay awake.

Head injuries can't go to sleep,
can they?

Ask a doctor.

You'll be seeing one in...

three hours.

Take a seat.

~ Angus! Do something. ~ I'm awake!

It's just the red wine.
And it's late.

~ It's nine o'clock, dude.
~ It's bedtime for us.

Not last night!

We were up doing table plans
till half-past.

Hey, er... You queue.
I'll... I'll keep him moving.

~ Really? ~ Yeah, trust me with him
for an hour or two.

I'll look after him.

You've got him
for the rest of your life.

Keep your phone on, Angus.
Shouldn't be longer than an hour.

Three hours.

We'll see.

I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be.

The limp suits you.

Ruining your birthday
because my girlfriend stuck...

She's not really your girlfriend,
though, is she? I mean,

~ it's only been two weeks.
~ What would you call her?

A phase?

Um, anyway, look, I don't really
care about my birthday.

I've got... some things
that we need to talk about.

Hey, how's it going?

~ How's it going with Jonno? ~ Yeah,
I don't really know why he's here.

I think he's waiting for me
to wait for you guys.

He's your hot date. Introduce him
to people. Show him around.

Show him the real you.

Yeah, the real me wants to kill
the real you.

Ah, see, it's that kind of attitude
that's keeping you single, Evelyn.

Look, I get it. I've dated
a lot of women approaching 30.

~ I'm not 30 for ages!
~ Hm. Happy birthday, Evie,

that's all I'm going to say
about that one.

Look, just give Jonno a chance.
You never give guys a chance.

Remember Matt?

Racist Matt
or Matt who stole our frying pan?

Jonno's not like the Matts.

Ah, sh...

Jane Ansell?

~ Yes. ~ Wait a minute.

How does a sore finger top
a head injury?

~ Where are YOU going?
~ I'm coming with you.

Do you do joint appointments?

~ It's one at a time.
~ This is just what people do.

~ He's just said they DON'T do that.
~ No, I don't want to jump the queue.

~ I want to hold your hand.
~ My hand's injured.

The other hand.

Well, if it makes you happy.

~ EVIE SIGHS
~ All right. We're on a date.

Yes!

Give me five minutes.

You will not regret this...
much... at all.

For fuck's sake...

Can I just ask...

are you contagious?

My foot hurts.

But are you contagious?

I trod on some glass.

Great!

So...

you inserted the index finger
of your left hand...

I wouldn't say "inserted".

Inserted is slow and deliberate.

Try "stuck".

The finger was PUT...

.. into the anus of your boyfriend?

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

~ Sorry? ~ I'll rephrase.

I shouldn't make those assumptions.

The index finger...

Wait. You, you, you do know
that we're going out?

I thought we were seeing each other.

Isn't it the same thing?

Yes.

There's no problem here.

One finger - yours - went up him,

he fell and hurt your finger.

And fucked my ankle.

The ankle was used
in the sexual activity, or...?

~ HURT my ankle.
~ It's not your appointment.

No, this is fine. I think I'm clear.

For my records, I'll just note him
as your sexual partner.

He's... A sexual partner.

Well, A sexual partner historically,

but THE sexual partner at the moment.

This is why they don't like
people coming in here in pairs.

~ Are you seeing other people?
~ I can give you two a minute.

I'm only "seeing" you.

But I am sleeping
with a couple of other people.

What?

~ Ah! Stop it! ~ Angus!

Stay with me, Angus. This is
important. Angus, stay with me! Huh?

Now...who is the fittest single
girl invited to your wedding?

~ I'm not sure.
~ I'm cupping water, Angus.

~ No! Her Maid of Honour! Catriona.
~ Good.

~ So how does this
help my head injury? ~ Ssh, ssh, ssh.

Is there a singles table?
Will she be on it?

~ Yes, but Helen has final say
over the tables. ~ Perfect.

~ Helen likes me now I'm saving your
life. ~ You've half-drowned me!

Only half. Now - promise me you'll
have Helen

~ seat me next to the sexy
girl. ~ I'll do what I can.

~ Great. ~ Ow! Fuck's sake!
I just said I'd help!

Exactly. Now I've got to keep you
alive.

Let's take a walk, buddy.

What is the plan here, Jonno?

Hot date at the X-ray suite?

Blood work then a movie?

Eh?

Eh?

It's like a picnic...

but without a rug or much food.

~ But there's a view.
~ I'm not a big fan of heights. ~ Right.

Chimney stack. It's sort of
having a log-burning fire.

Incinerating medical waste.
But, yes, it is romantic.

Erm, the garage didn't sell
much except chocolate and porn,

and I didn't buy any porn,
obviously.

Nobody pays for porn any more.

It's all online, millions
and millions of pages of the stuff.

Snickers or Twix?

~ Can I have a Twix after you've
opened that door again? ~ Yeah.

Right.

Whoa, this is really badly designed.

Uhhh, I'm really not good with
heights.

~ Why aren't you opening it again?
~ I'm looking, I'm looking.

Ohhh, I'm feeling a bit tense.

Sweaty.

~ Oh, my God, I'm not, I'm...
~ Just hold on. I'll get you a doctor.

Just all the doctors are on the
other side of this locked door.

Just fucking open... Help! Help!

~ This is very surprising.
~ Surprising like how?

Surprising like a, a finger
shoved in the arse, but emotional.

Why are you being
so awkward about this?

~ Because I like you!
~ That's not my fault!

~ That came out wrong. ~ Just forget it.
I, I thought, you know,

that we were a, a "something".

~ I, I liked it. ~ Really?

When I was dating in New York, you'd
agree, and I mean actually

verbally agree out loud, when you
were going to become exclusive.

But here, half the time who knows?

It's wonderfully British, isn't it?

Sexual confusion and binge drinking.

I hated New York.

And I think we're done here.

So you're really saying there's not
a single girl out there

~ you thought might be a keeper?
~ Hmm...

I don't know. There might have been
one girl, once,

~ but she was going out with
someone else, so... ~ Yeah.

So you're getting married in a
fortnight - tell me about that.

Well, um, what do you want to know?

You see, for me, the fact that
half the entire planet

is made up of women -
four billion of them.

Literally millions of them, really,
really smoking hot.

I mean,
when do you decide to draw the line?

Well, you don't decide, you just...

In my case, it was
a beautiful evening.

We'd had some wine and I was
squatting, tying my shoelaces

and she said, "Stay there, Angus,
and ask me the question".

And it turned out she had a ring!
I've reimbursed her for it,

~ of course. ~ Right.

She said, "Well, what are you
waiting for?"

And I thought, "That's a good
point".

So I popped the question.

And I feel bloody lucky
she said yes.

Yeah, if not in any way,
at all, surprised but...

So...

er, how many other
people are you seeing?

Like, a number?

Er, yeah. Or, you know,

or a collective noun.

Erm, am I part of a bevy?

Or a pack?

Could you muster a basketball
team between us?

Three.

Three basketball teams?

I like you the best.

The other two guys are just sort
of... ongoing history.

~ Try calling again.
~ Phone's got nothing.

~ Well, call down to someone. ~ They'll
probably arrest us for trespassing.

Well, there weren't any signs.

Well, there was one,
but I took it down.

I didn't want it ruining
the atmos of our date.

I did buy some porn.

There's one thing
I was meant to do today.

Was it sitting on the cigarette
butts on a hospital roof?

Ah, good sense of humour, check.

I got nine GCSEs.

I'm very open-minded.

Even about gypsies.

Why don't girls ever go for me?

It's not you, Jonno. It's just...

I like someone else. To be honest, I
can't even tell if you're

attractive, my head's that full of
this other person.

So you're saying you can't rule out
being attracted to me?

In a very, very roundabout way.

And even then, not really.

Right, I'm going to remember it
as - was attracted to me,
but had issues.

~ Oh, my God, thank you!
~ Pass us that bucket, will you?

You know, that's very bad for you.

It's a bit late for that.

Come on, let's go.

Dylan Witter?

No, I'll be all right.

I'm coming to hold your hand.
You startle easily.

As we know.

Look, most guys I've been with were
happy just to...

You're... unusual.

You actually want to me to
hold your hand and not just your...

I get it. I get it.

Let me at least try.

Exclusively.

Dylan Witter.

If we call him, and he isn't here,
he's no longer here.

~ We will still see him tonight.
~ You will see him now, without delay,

other than the brief delay of him
not being here in this

specific second, which is
just circumstantial.

You're a lucky man. Sincerely,

I think she might actually kill for
you.

Injured people need rest, even
I know that and I studied geography.

He is not losing his appointment
to red bloody tape.

You think she's um, The One?

And only. She's...

.. words fail me.

Terrifying. That's it.
Absolutely fucking terrifying.

Can Luke sit next to Catriona?

~ Absolutely not. ~ OK.

I can stay.

No, you get some rest.
I'll go and find the others.

Hey, do you want to go to Angus
and Helen's wedding?

Because that's what couples do?

They do.

~ All right. ~ Good.

I've got a great feeling about us.

How's the ankle?

I'll live.

I think me and Jane are now more than
an item.

That's good.

Oh, I forgot to say, um...

I did get you a card but I forgot to
bring it.

But I did write in it, though.
Do you mind waiting?

Yeah.

I can wait.

Jane was clearly a keeper. I think
you've made a terrible mistake.

Yeah, well, you know, the world

just wasn't ready for a love
that powerful.

What about you and me?

Um...

Dylan, this has been fun,
but it's not going to break my heart

if this evening's all that it is.

I was curious about you.

And now I know.

I do want to see you again.

But I think that might be a terrible
decision and...

I think maybe I shouldn't be allowed
out of a box for at least a year.

Shouldn't you be having these
thoughts quietly inside your head

while you try and get me into bed?

~ That would make much more sense,
yeah. ~ Yeah.

~ Can I buy you ladies some drinks?
~ Nothing from you, Luke.

I, I don't think so.

I just want my brother to stop
worrying about me.

Wilkommen! Bienvenido! Bienvenuto!

~ Did you just touch my arse? ~ Yeah.

~ You have to relax. He'll like you.
~ He will like me?

~ As in, currently he doesn't like me?
~ How's the investigation going?

~ What did he do to Diana? ~ With Diana.
~ No, more like on Diana.

~ Why would not have brought the
lenses? ~ Why would you take your eye

off your camera in a sketchy bowling
alley?!

Is there a problem here? If not,

I'm having a difficult time, you
know. Ooh...

did I do Dutch mud flaps on her?

~ What? ~ Nothing. Let's go in.