All language subtitles for en0115

Are you dressed?

Yes, I am.

You're going to a wedding
without pants?

You bet. Let 'em see who
the best man really is.

Oh. Fumble.

Look at this. The minute you come in,
they fumble. See what you did, honey?

- I'm not waiting for you.
- Sure you will.

- You wanna bet?
- Look, honey, if we're early...

you're just gonna have a half an hour
of me going, "Look, honey, we're early."

Know what?

I'm gonna risk it.

Anyway, all I got left is my bow tie,
which you have to do for me anyway...

so, technically,
I'm waiting for you.

- Long ones or short ones?
- Long ones.

- You think?
- With all my heart.

- I think the short ones.
- That's what I'm here for.

Tell me why

I love you like I do

Tell me who

Can start my heart as much as you

Let's take each other's hand

As we jump into
the final frontier

I'm mad about you, baby

Yeah

I'm mad about you

I gotta tell you, a tuxedo in the
afternoon, it's a little unsettling.

- It's their wedding.
- I'm not complaining.

What did we decide?

Well, I've narrowed it down
to either the crock pot...

the blender or a nice assortment
of fondue sets.

- What if they try to return it?
- We couldn't. What chance do they have?

You know what?
Here's a nice loser gift.

- How about like a nutpick?
- No.

- Why not?
- Because we need a nutpick.

For what?

What if we have company
and somebody wants to pick a nut?

I wasn't thinking. That's a good point.
We'll give 'em the nutpick.

- Never. How about the pasta maker?
- Are you kidding me?

- We've never made pasta once.
- I know, but we might.

We might make pasta.
Just the thought...

that pasta could theoretically be
made in this house excites me no end.

- It helps me feel Italian.
- You like to feel Italian.

I really do. Yes.

- So what do you think they'd like?
- I have no idea.

They're the most unlikely couple.
She's so... and he's so...

He's your friend.

She's your friend.
What are you looking at me?

- I can't believe I'm not a bridesmaid.
- Honey, drop it, please.

- I talked her through Weight Watchers.
- Sweetie...

Her cousin Cheryl is a bridesmaid.
She hasn't seen her in eight years.

- No kidding. I'm begging you. Drop it.
- All right. All right.

- Let's give them the pasta maker.
- All right. Good.

No, I want the pasta maker.

It was worth a shot.

You know what? We can't give them
the pasta maker anyway.

- Why not?
- Because they gave it to us.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- God, they're cheap.
- That's what I'm saying.

- Come here. Look at you.
- What?

What?
What are you staring at?

I'm just admiring a beautiful girl
who married me for some reason.

- All right. Give them the nutpick.
- Thank you.

That was the longest
ceremony in history.

Aren't you glad
we're late, huh?

- Oh, my God.
- What's the matter?

The tablecloths.
What was she thinking?

Hey, pal, I don't see
anybody else here in a tuxedo.

- What about that guy?
- He's a waiter.

- It said black-tie optional.
- Well, I think I opted wrong.

Honey, you look great.

Get back to work.
Table seven needs butter.

So shoot me.

You wanna go get
the receiving line over with?

Let's wait until it thins out.
I'm starving.

You're the one who said
don't eat at home before the wedding.

- Aren't you hungry?
- I ate at home before the wedding.

Honey, look, look.

- He had little tan things.
- All right.

We'll get you something.

There he is.

I can't believe you got them
to hire your cousin Ira.

Would you listen to me?
Ira did not ruin our wedding.

- Of course not.
- He said your grandmother started that.

- Right there. Honey, right there.
- Oh, well.

This is the most
disorganized affair.

I had our wedding moving
like a Swiss clock.

Ceremony, reception, cake.
You're out of there.

Well, you are
an exceptional woman, see.

- Look where they have us sitting.
- Bad?

Cousins and camp friends.

- That's no good.
- She's had a lot on her mind.

I get the feeling we're upsetting
some very organized plans here.

We're doing her a favor. Everyone will
have a much better time this way.

Hello.

Hello.

Thank you. Just one...

Thank you.

These are great. Why didn't
we have these at our wedding?

- These were just invented.
- Hey, hey.

- Look at you two.
- Ira.

- And they said it wouldn't last.
- Who did?

I did.

- How's your grandmother? Better?
- She's fine. Thank you.

Hey, come on.
Ira, cut it out.

Ira, no kidding. I'm gonna
punch you right in the head.

You're a tough guy.
He's a very tough guy.

Hey. We missed you
at Aunt Selma's.

- Oh, yeah, you know...
- Boy, was she peeved.

Was she?

- Very peeved.
- Which one is Selma?

The most powerful woman
in Sheepshead Bay.

They say she once stopped
a subway with her foot.

- I'll give her a call.
- Yeah, I would.

What do we know
about the bridesmaids?

I wasn't asked.

No, I'm saying available,
not available?

Music lover? What?
I tell ya, the tall one...

- she gave me a look.
- Who? Cheryl?

Thank you.

There's the bride's parents.
Did you wanna say hello?

She looks beautiful.

- Sure.
- Just the way a bride should look.

Yep.

You were much prettier.

- Good for you.
- I'm learning.

Honey?
Do you like her dress?

I do?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Congratulations.
- Everything was perfect.

It was just a beautiful wedding.
I'm sure they'll be very happy.

If the two of them can live together
in that apartment...

for a year and a half without killing
each other, they're gonna be fine.

- Excuse us.
- You've lived together for a year now?

Who was that?

- That was her father.
- So what?

He didn't know
they were living together.

- Get out of here.
- I'm serious.

- Everybody knows that.
- Yeah, they do now.

- Why didn't you tell me that?
- I didn't think you'd open with that.

Well, you know what?

That's what people get
for keeping secrets.

- You're unbelievable.
- What's the difference?

They're married now.
Who's gonna care?

- I didn't know.
- Really. He didn't.

- Nobody told me it was a secret.
- I'm sure your father will be fine.

Now, when you say he has
a heart condition...

Just to clarify.

Go away.

- Smooth move, Sparky.
- Did you know?

- Everybody knew.
- I didn't know.

How comeJamie
doesn't like me?

- Where do you get that?
- Cheryl said.

- What she say?
- She said that I'm ubiquitous.

- Jamie said that?
- No, no. I made it up.

Yes. Jamie told Cheryl
I'm ubiquitous.

- I'm not so sure that's bad.
- Yeah? Find out for me.

- I will do that.
- Oh, did your mom tell you?

- I'm trying to cut a record.
- Ira, I can't.

- I'm not investing.
- Well, you didn't even hear.

I didn't get my money back
from your last three demos.

Well, one more
we got a box set.

- Let me think about it.
- No what?

- We're not thinking about it.
- You didn't even hear.

- Did we miss food?
- I think so. How is the bride doing?

She's throwing up
and everybody hates us.

- That's nice.
- I know how to liven this room up.

- Come on. You guys start.
- Start what?

Oh, no.

- You think this is working?
- It's hard to say.

Meow.

- I'm gonna go rally the crowd.
- What am I gonna do?

- Keep dancing.
- Myself?

Meow.

Is that really necessary?

- Hey, hey, hey. Where did you go?
- I found olives.

- Look at this. Now everybody's dancing.
- Sure. We're gone.

I don't believe that... How... I'm the
bad guy. I love that. I'm the bad guy.

She lies to her parents
and suddenly I'm the bad guy?

Not her parents.
Her father. Her mother knew.

- And she didn't tell the father?
- No. It was a secret.

- I don't get that. I don't get that.
- What?

How could she live like that? I'm not
saying... I'm not judging, mind you.

- I'm just saying it's wrong.
- Like you have no secrets.

- Not from you.
- Come on!

I don't.

How about a couple of years ago when you
told me you had to work on a Sunday...

but you went to Atlantic City
with Ira and lost $400?

- You knew about that?
- Eventually.

- Well, then, it's not a secret, is it?
- Oh, please.

Wait a second. Wait a second.
Technically speaking...

if you knew about that
the whole time...

and you didn't tell me that you knew,
that would make it your secret.

- Yeah. So?
- So...

Hey there. How are you?

Fine. How are you? Good to see you.
How you doing? You look great.

- You feeling well?
- We feel great.

Good, 'cause you look great.
Good to see you.

- Great.
- Good, good, good. Good to see you.

- Who was that?
- I have no idea.

I'm just so happy
somebody's still talking to us.

So let me get this.
So you have secrets?

You tell me everything, right?

- Yes.
- Okay.

No, not everything.

- But you wouldn't call those secrets?
- They're just things I don't tell you.

- I'm feeling very unsettled here.
- I know. It's the tux.

- Why wouldn't you tell me things?
- Not things. Just some things.

- I know. I understand. But why?
- Because they're mine.

Okay. Fair enough.

Could you just give me
one example?

- Just to clarify.
- Stop it.

- But why?
- It's nothing.

So there is an it. I'm asking you,
is it a big it or a little it?

- Just tell me what it is.
- Excuse me. Miss?

This waiter
is really bothering me.

- I was just asking.
- Well, stop asking.

You tell me you have secrets
and you think I'm not gonna be curious?

I never ask you
to tell me everything, do I?

- No. What, are you having an affair?
- No.

So then what?
You bought a hat?

Yeah, that's it, honey.
I bought a hat. What am I, Lucy?

All right. So it's bigger
than a hat. Is it my mother?

- What are you talking about?
- She's bigger than a hat.

- You're telling me.
- Last April...

when she got food poisoning at our
place, you did that on purpose?

- You cooked the fish.
- Oh, that's true.

Well, did I leave you alone
in the kitchen at any point?

I did not try
to kill your mother.

- Did you ever consider it?
- Of course. That's no secret.

I just wish you'd give me
some kind of general area here.

- Is it animal?
- No.

- Is it vegetable?
- No.

- Mineral?
- Stop it.

I think these are
very good questions.

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much. Dinnertime.

Honey, food.

- How you doing?
- Great.

- Good.
- Call us sometimes. We have a phone.

Okay. Good, good, good. Here.

Hi, everybody.

Yeah. Hi.

All right. So all we know is...

this is something bigger than a... bigger
than a hat, smaller than my mother.

- Please don't do this.
- I hate not knowing things.

- Come here. You're all cockeyed.
- Just tell me.

- You think I can't handle it?
- It's not that. Lipstick?

Fine. I can handle it.
Whatever it is, I can handle it.

You know... Just anything.
Trust me.

Tell me the worst thing about
yourself and watch how I love you.

I love you too,
so let's not do this.

- And on three, everybody.
- Fine.

- One, two, three.
- When exactly was this horrible thing?

- Fish, chicken or beef.
- I'm not hungry.

- Well, eat something.
- I'll have the beef.

- Don't have the beef.
- The fish.

- We're out of fish.
- I'm not hungry.

- Well, suit yourself.
- I'll have the beef.

Good choice.

- Sure you don't wanna eat something?
- No. I'll eat this guy's arm here.

Can you just tell me
when this thing happened?

Was this like
since we've been married?

- No.
- Okay. So when?

Before that.

So you're talking about like
when we just started going out?

After that.

After we're engaged?

Before that.

So this is like
before we got serious?

A little bit after.

Is this like
after we moved in together?

Teeny bit before.

How teeny?

That teeny.

It was two weeks
before we moved in together.

Okay. What was?

I had a date.

- So that's it?
- Yes.

- You had a date?
- Yes.

- That's the big secret?
- Yes. Now, can we just forget it?

Yeah. Sure. Of course. Yes.
See, I can handle that.

I'm handling it very nicely.

That's fine. I can handle it. You had
a date. As long as you, you know...

I can handle that unless,
you know... unless...

Yes, yes, what you're thinking,
I did, yes.

What you're thinking, yes.

Ask the band. I don't know that song,
"What you're thinking, I did, yes."

"What you're thinking, I did, yes."
I think Marvin Hamlisch... Excuse me.

- I am so angry at you.
- Well, gee, that makes a lot of sense.

You sat there
and made me tell you this.

- I made you...
- Hello. Can I get my coat, please?

- Where are you going?
- To get some air. This is ridiculous.

Wait. Hold it one second. I'm stymied
here. I don't even know where to start.

Excuse me.

- Hi, Cheryl.
- Hi, Jamie.

- Who else knows about this? Fran?
- No.

- Your sister?
- Nobody, because I can keep a secret.

- All right.
- This is the jacket I told you to get.

Yeah, I really care about the jacket.
You tell Fran everything. I know it.

- Not this.
- Why not?

Because I was embarrassed.
It's the stupidest thing I ever did.

- Well, who was it?
- It was nobody. It was nothing.

- Well, it sounds like something.
- It was one afternoon.

What do you mean afternoon?
Like on a weekday?

- What difference does that make?
- I'm trying to paint the picture here.

- I can't even... Just... Who was it?
- You don't know him.

Yeah, but we've
shared so much.

What?

Three shopping bags
from Lohman's and a hat.

Yeah.

Just tell me who it was.

You don't know him.
It was somebody at the office.

- Who at the office?
- It was nobody. You don't know him.

We had this stupid little crush.

He was just about
to be transferred to England and...

Stan? Stan Franklin?
I know Stan Franklin.

I hate Stan Fran... I can't believe you
would do it with Stan Franklin.

Maybe it would help if you'd say
Stan Franklin a few more times.

- Stan Franklin.
- There was no hat.

- There has to be a hat.
- She's saying there is no hat.

- I came with a hat.
- Well, you're leaving without one.

Stan Franklin.
I went to his going-away party.

- I'm sorry.
- I brought the man fruit.

I'm sorry.

- Man. I gotta kill him.
- Stop it.

- I'm gonna have him killed.
- Stop it.

I'm gonna fly to England
and I'm gonna kill him.

- Stop it.
- What time would it be there now?

It was a stupid mistake.
I knew that the minute it happened.

All it did was make me
appreciate you more.

That's really nice to hear.
I'm gonna send Stan a little gift.

Maybe a card. One of those "Hey,
thanks for nailing my wife" things.

- I wasn't your wife yet.
- Well, whatever.

Fine. What do you wanna do? Do you wanna
yell at me, kill me, divorce me?

Keep going.
You're unbeliev...

You don't think I could do that?
You don't think opportunities come up?

- I don't wanna hear this.
- There's nothing for you to hear...

because I didn't do anything.

Do you see the distinction here?
My things didn't happen. Yours did.

So if there's nothing to say,
then you don't have to say.

But if you did something,
then you say. That's our rule, okay?

If you do, you say.
If you don't do, you don't say.

- I have to go get my purse.
- Just try saying that.

If you do, you say.
You do, you say.

Just try it.
You do, you say.

- You're gonna just keep walking away?
- I'm sorry. I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to make this better.
I wish it never happened.

- So do I.
- That's why I didn't wanna tell you.

It was in the past. It was over.
I didn't want it to exist for you.

If a tree falls on you in the forest
and you don't hear it, it still hurts.

Excuse me. Are you kids driving
back to the city?

No back seat. I'm sorry. Can you just
tell me? Can you explain it to me?

I can't.

What would make you do
something like this?

It was a long time ago.

Well, reminisce.

You really wanna know?
The toaster.

I was gonna say.

I was packing up my old apartment. This
was right before we moved in together.

And I saw the toaster.

And I thought, "I'm about
to own a toaster with somebody."

I realized that I would never
again be able to make toast...

exactly the way I like it.

Which I realize now,
of course, was ridiculous.

I could wait till you made your toast
or I could make my toast first...

but it wasn't so clear then.

Are you just making this up
as you go along?

It's like a door was closing
on a whole part of my life. I panicked.

Okay. But why didn't you
just tell me two years ago?

If I did, would we be
sitting here now?

Yes.

I'm not so sure.

Well, now we'll never know.

I'm gonna say some good-byes.

- What's the matter with you?
- Cheryl dumped me.

It stings.

- You know her 45 minutes.
- The first 20 were beautiful.

I thought we had something.
You two? Very lucky.

- Can we get out of here, please?
- Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
would I not be remiss...

if I did not point out to you
the two people responsible...

for bringing together
tonight's bride and groom.

Here to lead us
in our next dance, a great couple...

no matter what you think...
Paul and Jamie Buchman.

So you're saying
it was the toaster.

Meow!

Now.

Meow!