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1
00:00:13,056 --> 00:00:14,579
[buzzer]MAN [over TV]:
Wrong.
2
00:00:14,623 --> 00:00:18,061
Really, girl? You guessing
six dollars for Rice-A-Roni?
3
00:00:18,105 --> 00:00:19,845
I knew it from your nails,
4
00:00:19,889 --> 00:00:22,022
you never been
in a grocery store.
5
00:00:23,849 --> 00:00:27,027
Hey, Tina,
have you seen Malcolm?
6
00:00:27,070 --> 00:00:29,072
I just finished watching
that show Zombie Wars,
7
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:32,075
and I want to spoil
the ending for him.
8
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:34,164
Um, yeah, he went shopping.
9
00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:36,036
Oh, good. You know what?
I'll text him
10
00:00:36,079 --> 00:00:38,299
to pick up some Kleenex,
because his favorite character
11
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:41,606
is about to become
an all-you-can-eat buffet.
12
00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:46,089
Well, it's not exactly
that kind of shopping.
13
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:49,788
He went to the used car lot
to get himself a car.
14
00:00:49,832 --> 00:00:52,704
Without me?
But I'm the car expert.
15
00:00:52,748 --> 00:00:54,532
If I'm not there to support him,
16
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:57,796
who gonna tell him
he picked out something stupid?
17
00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:00,277
I know it hurts, babe.
18
00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:02,279
Telling people
they're stupid
19
00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:04,238
is one of your favorite things.
20
00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,545
But Malcolm is a grown man.
21
00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:09,460
We've got to let him
make his own choices.
22
00:01:09,504 --> 00:01:12,376
I don't know, babe.
It sounds stupid.
23
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,466
Calvin, come on. This
is important to him.
24
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:16,772
He's been working hard.
25
00:01:16,815 --> 00:01:19,775
He saved up enough money
to do this on his own.
26
00:01:19,818 --> 00:01:21,385
We need to be
supportive of him,
27
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:23,474
no matter what car
he comes home with.
28
00:01:23,518 --> 00:01:24,910
Fine.
29
00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:28,305
But those used car dealers
are gonna eat him alive.
30
00:01:28,349 --> 00:01:29,872
Just like those zombies did
to that family
31
00:01:29,915 --> 00:01:31,700
that was hiding under the canoe!
32
00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:34,355
[horn honking
"Shave and a Haircut"]
33
00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:35,660
Ooh, that's him!
34
00:01:35,704 --> 00:01:37,097
Let's go see what he got.
35
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:38,663
I don't know.
From the sounds of that horn,
36
00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:42,058
I'm guessing it's this big
and full of clowns.
37
00:01:45,017 --> 00:01:46,976
[chuckles]:
Hey, check it out, guys.
38
00:01:47,019 --> 00:01:48,064
What do you think?
39
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,414
[engine revving]
40
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:54,244
Oh, hell yeah!
Hell no!
41
00:01:55,332 --> 00:01:57,029
What?
42
00:01:57,073 --> 00:01:59,075
We not being
supportive anymore?
43
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,337
Well, in that case,
44
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:02,861
the preacher in your
zombie show dies.
45
00:02:04,385 --> 00:02:06,517
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
46
00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:07,388
♪ Welcome to the hood.
47
00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:13,437
You bought a motorcycle?
48
00:02:13,481 --> 00:02:15,483
What the hell were you thinking?
49
00:02:15,526 --> 00:02:16,658
Yeah, Malcolm.
50
00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:19,487
Oh, you got
the chrome exhaust on it.
51
00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:20,618
Malcolm, you said
52
00:02:20,662 --> 00:02:22,142
that you were gonna get
a used car.
53
00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:24,796
I know, Ma. And
I was going to.
54
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,015
But then I saw this.
55
00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:28,365
And I realized this
face is too sexy
56
00:02:28,409 --> 00:02:30,715
to be hiding
behind a windshield.
57
00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:35,024
You are taking that back
this instant. Right, Calvin?
58
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:38,245
Huh? What?
59
00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:40,856
Look,
60
00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:43,119
I'm sorry, Ma, but I'm
not taking it back.
61
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,556
[scoffs]
Excuse me?
62
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,645
Did you already crash?
63
00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:50,213
'Cause I think
you got brain damage.
64
00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:52,955
Ma, I paid for this
with my own money,
65
00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:55,044
and it's my decision, not yours.CALVIN:
Whoa, whoa.
66
00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:58,090
Malcolm, come on. Don't talk
to your mother like that.
67
00:02:58,134 --> 00:02:59,353
Now, you're taking it back.
68
00:02:59,396 --> 00:03:01,659
But before you do,
let me sit on it.
69
00:03:01,703 --> 00:03:03,792
Calvin, don't you dare.
70
00:03:03,835 --> 00:03:05,663
Come on, Tina.
71
00:03:05,707 --> 00:03:08,057
You got to admit,
it's pretty cool.
72
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,102
What is it with men
and motorcycles?
73
00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:11,800
Anybody with half a brain
74
00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:14,672
knows that there is nothing cool
about them.
75
00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:16,239
Whoa!
76
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:18,198
That is so cool.
77
00:03:22,114 --> 00:03:23,377
What'd I do?
78
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:24,813
I'll tell you what you did.
79
00:03:24,856 --> 00:03:27,163
You gave me a chance
to sit on this bad boy.
80
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,079
All right, well,
let me get on behind you, then.
81
00:03:30,122 --> 00:03:32,821
Whoa! Whoa!Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
82
00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:37,565
[exhales]Oh, hey. Where were you?
83
00:03:37,608 --> 00:03:40,481
Over at Tina's trying
to calm her down.
84
00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:42,483
[exhales]
How'd it go?
85
00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:44,441
I thought a glass
of wine might help,
86
00:03:44,485 --> 00:03:45,529
but then she finished
the bottle,
87
00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:47,618
and it went the other way.
88
00:03:48,445 --> 00:03:50,578
You know,
I know it's dangerous,
89
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:53,276
but that bike is so cool.[chuckles]
90
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,279
Remember when you used
to pick me up on yours?
91
00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:59,195
It was so exciting.
Racing around town,
92
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,763
zigzagging through traffic.
93
00:04:01,806 --> 00:04:04,635
Yeah. I miss that Vespa.
94
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:09,858
We used to do so many
crazy things like that.
95
00:04:09,901 --> 00:04:12,600
Remember when we went
skinny-dipping in Lake Michigan?
96
00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:14,602
Oh, I sure do. That was
the summer I learned
97
00:04:14,645 --> 00:04:16,821
that catfish can bite.[chuckles]
98
00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:20,521
Wow. That all feels like
a million years ago.
99
00:04:20,564 --> 00:04:22,305
Yeah.
100
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,176
What happened
to those people?
101
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,701
Well, one of us
went to the ER.
102
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:32,663
Gemma, is it possible
that we've gotten boring?
103
00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:34,535
What?! No.
104
00:04:34,578 --> 00:04:37,233
We went to a party
just last weekend.Gemma,
105
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,888
we were chaperones
at Grover's school dance.
106
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:42,369
Yeah, and thanks to us,
107
00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:44,719
now they all know
the Cabbage Patch.
108
00:04:48,766 --> 00:04:50,333
I'm serious.
109
00:04:50,377 --> 00:04:52,161
You know,
we haven't done anything crazy
110
00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:53,423
in the longest time.
111
00:04:53,467 --> 00:04:55,295
We're as lame
as that fifth grader
112
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:57,601
who got pantsed
on the dance floor.
113
00:04:58,385 --> 00:05:00,343
Well, what are we
supposed to do?
114
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:02,476
We're parents now.
We have responsibilities.
115
00:05:02,519 --> 00:05:04,869
Well, actually,
tonight, we don't.
116
00:05:04,913 --> 00:05:06,915
You know, Grover's
at a sleepover.
117
00:05:06,958 --> 00:05:09,309
We can do whatever we want.
118
00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:10,484
Like what?
119
00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:12,355
I don't know. Like...
120
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:13,922
go to Vegas.
121
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:16,185
[chuckles]:
Seriously?
122
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:17,491
Yeah. Why not?
123
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:20,189
Look, if we fly,
we can be there in an hour.
124
00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:21,582
It would be fun
125
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:24,062
to party somewhere
that isn't a cafeteria.
126
00:05:24,106 --> 00:05:26,021
Yeah. Yeah.
127
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,805
What do you say?
128
00:05:27,849 --> 00:05:29,329
Let's do it.
129
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:31,026
I'll go pack my stuff.
[laughs]All right.
130
00:05:31,069 --> 00:05:34,203
You do that. 'Cause tonight,
the Johnsons are getting crazy!
131
00:05:34,246 --> 00:05:35,726
[whoops]
132
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:38,729
Right after I check
our air miles.
133
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,954
Oh, hey, babe.
What's for dinner?
134
00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:48,739
Dinner? My baby's out there
on a death machine,
135
00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:51,742
and I'm sitting here helpless.
Who can think about dinner?
136
00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:54,876
Well, off the top
of my head, me.
137
00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:57,487
Calvin!
138
00:05:57,531 --> 00:06:00,882
I'm sorry, babe. Look, I know
that you're upset and scared,
139
00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:04,233
and I want to be sensitive,
so...
140
00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:06,366
I'll just order in.
141
00:06:07,105 --> 00:06:08,411
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
142
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:09,586
What do you think you're doing?
143
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:11,936
Watching the game.Oh, no, you are not.
144
00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:14,417
This stays off
145
00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:16,767
so I can listen for sirens.
146
00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:17,986
Tina, come on.
147
00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:19,204
Sit down.
You're driving yourself crazy.
148
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:20,292
You need to relax.
149
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:21,990
No, do not tell
me to relax.
150
00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:25,123
None of this would've happened
if you had backed me up today.
151
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:26,429
Whoa, hold up, now.
152
00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:28,344
Weren't you the one
that said
153
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,954
that Malcolm's
a grown man
154
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,609
and we need to let him
make his own decisions?
155
00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:34,263
Yeah, but that was before I knew
156
00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:36,483
he would make
such a dumbass decision.
157
00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:40,095
Okay, babe, I know
where you're coming from.
158
00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:41,575
I want him to be safe, too.
159
00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:44,273
Then, Calvin, why aren't you
doing anything about it?
160
00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:45,796
Well, what do you want me to do?
161
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,103
Put a boot on it?
Set it on fire?
162
00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:49,713
Run over it with my truck?
163
00:06:49,757 --> 00:06:51,454
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, all that.
164
00:06:52,281 --> 00:06:54,196
[sighs]
Look, Tina,
165
00:06:54,239 --> 00:06:55,676
I know that you're worried,
166
00:06:55,719 --> 00:06:58,461
but the truth of the matter is
there's nothing we can do.
167
00:06:58,505 --> 00:06:59,941
It's out of our hands.
168
00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:02,770
You're right. It's
in God's hands.
169
00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:04,946
Exactly.Get your keys. We're
going to church.
170
00:07:04,989 --> 00:07:06,600
What?Mm-hmm.
171
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,515
As long as Malcolm
is on that bike,
172
00:07:08,558 --> 00:07:11,256
we're going there every day
to pray for his safety.
173
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,954
But why do we have to go
to the church?
174
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,999
God is like Wi-Fi.
175
00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:16,610
He's everywhere.
176
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:21,136
Calvin, we're going.
177
00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:23,051
Now, let me go
grab my Bible.
178
00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:28,143
Well, the Rams
are a 12-point underdog.
179
00:07:28,186 --> 00:07:30,406
I was gonna be praying anyway.
180
00:07:32,539 --> 00:07:34,932
Here we go, our deluxe room
181
00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:36,717
with a view of the Strip.GEMMA:
Oh,
182
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,632
thanks, Marco, but we didn't
come to look at the Strip.
183
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:41,678
We came to tear it up.
184
00:07:41,722 --> 00:07:44,289
That's right.
The city that never sleeps
185
00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:47,031
is about to get a wake-up call.
186
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:50,557
Okay. That's New York,
but I hear you.
187
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,689
Ooh! Uh, hey, Marco.
188
00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:55,518
Where do the, uh,
young, fun people
189
00:07:55,562 --> 00:07:57,172
like us
190
00:07:57,215 --> 00:07:58,565
do their thing?
191
00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:00,610
Just no foam parties.
192
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,786
Uh, I-I rash easily.
193
00:08:02,830 --> 00:08:05,920
Well, we do have three
nightclubs downstairs.
194
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:07,617
I'd be happy to
make a reservation
195
00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:09,097
at any one of them for you.
196
00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:10,359
[scoffs]
One of them?
197
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,535
Book all three,
and warn them
198
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,755
that the Johnsons
are in town.
199
00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:17,845
Got it. The Johnsons
are in town.
200
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:18,976
No foam.
201
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:21,849
[chuckles]
Oh,
202
00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:23,285
this is so exciting.
203
00:08:23,328 --> 00:08:25,940
Well, it's about to get
more exciting, because...
204
00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:27,768
look what I packed.
205
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,684
What is it?It's my bathing suit
206
00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:32,642
from when
we went skinny-dipping.
207
00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:36,472
And it still fits.[chuckles]
208
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,736
Oh, babe.
209
00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:42,609
Okay. So, you ready
to hit the town?
210
00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:45,220
Let me just freshen up first.
I want to be nice and clean
211
00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:47,222
for when we get down and dirty.
212
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:49,703
Oh, we're gonna
get down and dirty.
213
00:08:49,746 --> 00:08:52,140
Just like when we fell
in that puddle on my Vespa.
214
00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,233
ANNOUNCER:
Stay tuned
215
00:08:58,276 --> 00:09:01,236
as the Forensic Mysteries
marathon continues.
216
00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:02,629
[ominous sting plays]
217
00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:06,154
Ooh! Ooh, I love
Forensic Mysteries.
218
00:09:06,197 --> 00:09:07,416
The host is so cheesy.
219
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:09,897
"When the DNA results arrived,
220
00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:14,466
it was curtains
for the interior designer."
221
00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:18,427
I love it how he always steps
out of the shadows
222
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:19,733
to tell us the surprise twist.
223
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:21,299
I never see it coming.
224
00:09:21,343 --> 00:09:22,779
The twist or the host.
225
00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:26,087
Well, it's still early.
Let's just watch one episode
226
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:28,263
before we go.Oh, yeah, sure.
We have plenty of time.
227
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:30,961
[ominous sting plays]
228
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:34,704
He gets me every time.
229
00:09:38,316 --> 00:09:41,406
Oh, hang on there, Malcolm.
I want to ask you something.
230
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:43,278
Look, I already
told you, Pop.
231
00:09:43,321 --> 00:09:46,150
I'm not taking any more pictures
of you on the bike.
232
00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:49,937
Son, I know you love this bike,
233
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:52,983
but you riding it around
is worrying your mother sick.
234
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:55,769
[sighs] I know, Pop. But
come on, man, you get it.
235
00:09:55,812 --> 00:09:57,814
Can't you just go in
there and talk to her?
236
00:09:57,858 --> 00:10:00,077
I tried,
but you know your mother.
237
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:02,776
Once she makes up her mind
about something, that's it.
238
00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:04,821
How do you think we got Marty?
239
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:07,650
All right, well,
240
00:10:07,694 --> 00:10:09,696
just tell her not
to worry, okay?
241
00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:11,654
And I promise you,
I'll be safe.
242
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:14,352
Okay, look, Malcolm,
let's just go back down there
243
00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:16,485
and get you a car
just as cool as the motorcycle.
244
00:10:16,528 --> 00:10:18,922
If you put the windows down
and wear your helmet,
245
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:21,664
you'll barely notice
the difference.
246
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:24,319
So, instead of a motorcycle,
247
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:27,714
you want me to drive a used car
while wearing a helmet?
248
00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:30,368
You can't tell me
that won't turn heads.
249
00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:34,808
Look, I'm sorry, Pop, but this
is what I want, all right?
250
00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:37,332
And if Mom can't deal with that,
then that's her problem.
251
00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:41,423
Hmm. So, there's nothing
I can say to change your mind?
252
00:10:41,466 --> 00:10:43,555
Nope.
253
00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:46,515
Well, it's a good thing
I brought these.
254
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:50,519
Are those handcuffs?
255
00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:51,955
They sure are.
256
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:54,175
Well, what the hell
are you doing with them?
257
00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:56,351
Saving your ass.
258
00:10:56,394 --> 00:10:58,092
But more importantly...
259
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:01,008
...I'm saving mine.
260
00:11:08,537 --> 00:11:10,582
Come on, Pop.
Quit messing around.
261
00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:13,847
Uncuff yourself from my bike.
262
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:17,024
I'm sorry, Malcolm,
but it's too dangerous.
263
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:20,636
If I got to go to church every
day, I might kill somebody.
264
00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:23,770
So this is your genius
plan? You're gonna
265
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:26,033
stay out here until I agree
to get rid of the bike?
266
00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:29,123
Well, my first idea was
to handcuff myself to you,
267
00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:30,777
but then I realized,
268
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:34,302
that's more of a reward
for you than a punishment.
269
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,566
You know what? Okay, fine.
270
00:11:37,609 --> 00:11:40,047
You want to play that game?
I'll just wait you out.
271
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:42,745
[chuckling]: Good luck,
'cause I'm not going anywhere.
272
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:44,573
Well, maybe not right now,
273
00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:47,532
but at some point, you're
gonna have to use the bathroom.
274
00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:49,926
And when you do,
I'll be right there.
275
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:51,885
Not in the bathroom
with you, man.
276
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:54,278
On the bike, riding away.
277
00:11:55,105 --> 00:11:57,064
Well, see, that's where
you're wrong.
278
00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:59,762
I got a plan
for the bathroom, too.
279
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:02,634
Tina, bring me the jar!
280
00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:13,558
HOST:
So when the lab results
traced the hair
281
00:12:13,602 --> 00:12:15,865
back to the chef, it turned out
282
00:12:15,909 --> 00:12:18,781
it was her goose
that was cooked.
283
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:21,088
[ominous sting plays]
284
00:12:21,131 --> 00:12:22,742
ANNOUNCER:
And that concludes
285
00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:24,787
our Forensic Mysteriesmarathon.
286
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:27,659
Stay tuned for
Rise and Shine Las Vegas.
287
00:12:27,703 --> 00:12:29,923
[upbeat music playing]
288
00:12:31,228 --> 00:12:32,795
Ge-Gemma, wake up!
289
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:36,277
Five more minutes. I'm dreaming
about us skinny-dipping.
290
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,409
For some reason,
there's a goose there.
291
00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:42,326
No. Gemma, you got to wake up.
We fell asleep.
292
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:43,719
Huh? What?
293
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:47,157
It's morning.
We missed our wild night!
294
00:12:48,158 --> 00:12:50,030
What?! We did?!
295
00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:51,161
Yeah.
296
00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:52,989
The only crazy thing
we did last night
297
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:55,426
was get ten amazing hours
of sleep.
298
00:12:56,253 --> 00:12:59,343
You're right.
I feel totally rested.
299
00:12:59,387 --> 00:13:01,041
This is terrible!
300
00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:03,521
I can't believe
that we blew it.
301
00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:05,567
We didn't go to the casino,
the club or the pool.
302
00:13:05,610 --> 00:13:09,092
[groans]I packed my imaginary
bathing suit for nothing!
303
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:11,529
Oh... Yeah.
304
00:13:11,573 --> 00:13:15,316
I wanted to wake up ashamed,
but not like this.
305
00:13:15,359 --> 00:13:20,887
I hate to say it, Gemma, but
we're officially boring people.
306
00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:23,367
It turns out
our glory days are over.
307
00:13:24,368 --> 00:13:26,675
Come on.
That's not true.
308
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,982
We have an amazing life.
309
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:31,680
Great friends,
good jobs,
310
00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:34,030
the best kid ever.
311
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:37,729
If you ask me, it doesn't get
any more glorious than that.
312
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:43,648
I know. I just wish
we still had it in us
313
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:46,434
to go crazy every once
in a while.
314
00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,828
And I'm not just talking
about blowing all our air miles
315
00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:51,047
upgrading to Economy Plus.
316
00:13:53,484 --> 00:13:56,966
Well, we still have three hours
before we fly home.
317
00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,360
So?
318
00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:01,884
So why don't we do
something crazy right now?
319
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:03,581
You know what?[laughs]
320
00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:05,018
You're right.
321
00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:08,064
And I know exactly
322
00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:10,240
how we're gonna do it.How?
323
00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:12,721
We are gonna hit
the hotel minibar.Ooh!
324
00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:15,724
Because what is wilder
325
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:17,508
than eating
an eight-dollar candy bar?
326
00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:18,945
Oh.
327
00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:20,511
I'll tell you what's wilder--
328
00:14:20,555 --> 00:14:22,862
chasing it
with a bunch of tiny tequilas.
329
00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:26,256
That's right.
Look out, Vegas,
330
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:29,346
'cause the Johnsons
are still in town![whoops]
331
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,219
[groans]
332
00:14:32,262 --> 00:14:33,742
Nope. Those are bath beads.
333
00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:36,005
Oh.
334
00:14:38,399 --> 00:14:40,836
Here you go, baby.
I brought you a snack.
335
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,838
Oh.Anything else you need?
336
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,275
No, babe. I think I'm good.Ah.
337
00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:51,934
Thanks again
for doing this, baby.
338
00:14:51,978 --> 00:14:55,285
Sacrificing yourself
to protect our son.
339
00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:59,463
Aw, you know me--
always putting myself last.
340
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:02,902
Hey, when you're done with
my neck, can you do my feet?
341
00:15:03,728 --> 00:15:05,208
[groans]
342
00:15:05,252 --> 00:15:06,514
Hey, guys.
343
00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:07,950
I'll see you later.
344
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:09,473
Where are you going?
345
00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:10,735
Oh, just for a little ride.
346
00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:14,261
[chuckling]Ride? On what?
347
00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:17,960
Yeah. Did you borrow
Grover's wheelie shoes?
348
00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:19,831
[laughing]
349
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:21,572
Oh, that's cute.
Y'all are funny.
350
00:15:21,616 --> 00:15:24,314
[Tina laughs]Actually, I'm taking
your truck.
351
00:15:25,663 --> 00:15:27,404
Say what now?
352
00:15:27,448 --> 00:15:29,929
Yeah, I figure
since you took my wheels,
353
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,800
I'm gonna take yours.
354
00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:33,410
You can't take my truck.
355
00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:36,283
Nobody takes my truck!
356
00:15:37,066 --> 00:15:38,981
Don't do this, Malcolm.
357
00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:41,592
Your father loves you,
but that truck is his baby.
358
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:44,987
Yeah, I know, Ma. It's like the
little brother I never drove.
359
00:15:48,077 --> 00:15:50,036
I know you're not
gonna open that door.
360
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:53,126
Ooh. He opened the door.
361
00:15:54,344 --> 00:15:55,955
Malcolm, I'm not playing
with you.
362
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:57,521
You better not
get behind that wheel!
363
00:15:59,741 --> 00:16:02,744
Ooh! He got
behind the wheel!
364
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:05,703
Yeah, well, that's okay.
That's as far as he's gonna get.
365
00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:08,793
She's got a tricky ignition.
He can't figure it out.
366
00:16:08,837 --> 00:16:11,013
[engine starts]
367
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:13,494
Ooh! He figured it out!
368
00:16:13,537 --> 00:16:16,149
Tina, would you stop
giving me play-by-play
369
00:16:16,192 --> 00:16:18,542
and go stop him?!
370
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:23,112
I'm telling you, Malcolm, if
you crash your little brother,
371
00:16:23,156 --> 00:16:25,897
you best believe
I'm coming for you!
372
00:16:37,213 --> 00:16:38,867
[imitating Elvis]:
Ladies and gentlemen,
373
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:40,956
please welcome
the Beer Chug Champion
374
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,958
of the Silver Sands
Motel and Casino...
375
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,440
...Gemma Johnson Presley.
376
00:16:49,791 --> 00:16:52,402
Thank you. Thank you.
377
00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:55,927
Thank you. And to all
the tired moms out there,
378
00:16:55,971 --> 00:16:59,018
if you can dream it,
you can drink it.
379
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:04,240
Oh, wow.
380
00:17:04,284 --> 00:17:06,199
I got to hand it to us.
381
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:08,331
That was the craziest
morning of my life.
382
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:10,812
I can't believe we hit all three
of those nightclubs.
383
00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:14,424
Yeah. Although it would have
been more fun if they were open.
384
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:18,646
I guess for an old,
boring couple,
385
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:20,561
we still know how to party.
386
00:17:20,604 --> 00:17:22,998
We sure do. [laughs]
387
00:17:23,825 --> 00:17:27,263
Mmm. Gin and Gatorade.
388
00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:32,051
Well, the good news is
I don't have to worry
389
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,531
about you dying
on that motorcycle anymore,
390
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:37,099
because your father
is gonna kill you!
391
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:40,537
Oh, please. I am
not afraid of Pop.
392
00:17:40,581 --> 00:17:44,672
But you think we have enough gas
to get to Mexico?
393
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:47,109
Malcolm, why are you being
so stubborn about this?
394
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,590
Can't you see we are just
trying to protect you?
395
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,983
And I appreciate that, Ma,
but I'm a grown man.
396
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:53,594
That is not your job anymore.
397
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:56,249
Oh, really? When did I get fired
from being your mother?
398
00:17:56,292 --> 00:17:58,077
I am not firing
you, okay?
399
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,643
I'm just kind of...
400
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:01,645
reducing your hours.
401
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,388
Look, Ma, I know
you think that's stupid,
402
00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:07,608
but to me, this isn't
just about the bike.
403
00:18:07,651 --> 00:18:08,783
Then what's it about?
404
00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:10,698
It's about me being independent,
405
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:12,482
making my own choices.
406
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:15,616
Okay, I've been working and
saving up money for a long time.
407
00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:17,270
I've earned this.
408
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:20,621
Just because you earned it
does not make it a good idea.
409
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:23,624
Well, maybe not, but it does
make it my call.
410
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:26,279
Still... you are my baby.
411
00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:28,977
I know, Ma,
but I'm also my own man.
412
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:31,153
You understand that, right?
413
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:32,459
Of course I do.
414
00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:34,113
Then instead of
fighting me on this,
415
00:18:34,156 --> 00:18:37,246
I need you
to try being proud of me.
416
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:43,165
Fine. I'm never gonna like it,
417
00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:46,647
but if it means that much
to you, I guess...
418
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:49,040
I just have to accept it.
419
00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:51,391
Thank you, Ma.
420
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:54,524
[sighs]And I promise, I will
be careful, okay?
421
00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:57,092
I won't be one of these
reckless idiots riding around
422
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,486
with no idea what they're doing.
423
00:18:59,529 --> 00:19:02,271
[horn tooting, engine revving]
424
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:07,233
Malcolm, pull
over there!
425
00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:10,366
And God help you if you
adjusted my seat, boy!
426
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,455
Pop, what the hell are you doing
on my bike?!
427
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:13,674
You're gonna kill yourself!
428
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:15,371
Relax. I've been
riding motorcycles
429
00:19:15,415 --> 00:19:17,373
since before you were born.[tires screeching]
430
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:18,809
Oh!
431
00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:20,202
[crashing]Calvin!
432
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:21,769
Ma, is he okay?
433
00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:24,206
CALVIN:
Damn it! The next time
I swerve into your lane,
434
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:26,861
you better get out
of my way, fool!
435
00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:29,080
Yeah, he's fine.Yeah.
436
00:19:38,699 --> 00:19:40,527
Ooh, hey, Calvin.
You okay?
437
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:42,224
Yeah, Tina said you
got in an accident
438
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,095
on Malcolm's motorcycle.
439
00:19:44,139 --> 00:19:47,316
Well, what all did she tell you?
440
00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:50,406
Well, that was pretty much it.
441
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:53,235
Oh, okay.
So here's what happened.
442
00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:55,542
I was cruising
443
00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:57,457
down Franklin,
and this big rig--
444
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,328
it jackknifed right
in front of me.
445
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:00,851
And I... and I realized
there's no way
446
00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:02,462
that I'm gonna get off
of this thing.
447
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:05,465
So... so I slid. I was like...
[imitates screeching]
448
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:07,336
And then I came out,
and there was some kids
449
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:08,903
in the crosswalk,
and I was like,
450
00:20:08,946 --> 00:20:11,253
"Oh, Lord, look at these kids.
There's no way."
451
00:20:11,297 --> 00:20:12,472
So I had to pop a wheelie,
like...
452
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:14,517
[imitates engine revving]
453
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:16,519
And then the kids,
they was like "Save me."
454
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:18,347
It was like, "Thank you,
mister." And I was like,
455
00:20:18,391 --> 00:20:20,784
"Fine, kids. It's what I do."
You know?
456
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:23,483
There was a curb there,
and for whatever reason,
457
00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:25,920
it was a family of ducks,
and I was like, "Aah!"
458
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:28,270
And that's when I hopped.
That's when I hit the curb,
459
00:20:28,314 --> 00:20:31,404
and I was like,
"Hey, hey! There you go."
460
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:33,057
And everybody was safe, though.
461
00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:34,755
The animals were cool,
and the kids were happy,
462
00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:36,278
and I gave 'em money
for pizza.
463
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:39,368
Uh, but, uh, I don't like
to talk about it, man.
464
00:20:42,066 --> 00:20:44,068
Wow.
465
00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:46,419
Wow. Well, uh,
466
00:20:46,462 --> 00:20:48,769
we had a pretty wild
weekend, too.
467
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:50,597
Uh, Gemma swam
in a hotel fountain
468
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,382
and rode her suitcase
around a luggage carousel.
469
00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:57,038
Only after Dave drank a
mini-fridge full of vodka
470
00:20:57,081 --> 00:20:59,867
and chased it with half
a jar of bath beads.
471
00:20:59,910 --> 00:21:02,957
Guys, if you're just gonna
make stuff up,
472
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,828
I'm gonna go inside.
473
00:21:10,094 --> 00:21:12,009
Captioning sponsored by
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474
00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:14,055
Captioned by
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