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1
00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:09,879
Lot of money in the pot, Dave.
2
00:00:09,922 --> 00:00:11,011
You thought
you could come over here
3
00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:13,317
and play cards with the big dog?
4
00:00:13,361 --> 00:00:15,972
Well, you about to get bit.
5
00:00:18,975 --> 00:00:21,064
Go ahead, take your best shot.
6
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:22,761
Do you have any nines?
7
00:00:22,805 --> 00:00:25,025
Go fish.
Ha, ha!
8
00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:28,463
Ooh.
9
00:00:28,506 --> 00:00:31,118
Will you look at that?
I hooked a nine.
10
00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:33,903
Booyah!
11
00:00:34,947 --> 00:00:36,427
Uh-oh, big dog, you got smoked
12
00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:38,299
by a dude who says "booyah."
13
00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:41,215
Hey, guys.
Whatcha doing?
14
00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:44,044
Oh, hey, hon. I just beat
Calvin and Malcolm in Go Fish.
15
00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:45,306
Booyah!
16
00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:48,700
Malcolm, I'm glad you're here.
17
00:00:48,744 --> 00:00:50,789
How do you feel
about blind dates?
18
00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:53,096
Oh, to be honest, Gemma,
I'm not really into bl...
19
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:55,142
Great!
20
00:00:55,185 --> 00:00:57,753
Because there's this wonderful
new English teacher at school,
21
00:00:57,796 --> 00:01:01,104
Sofia, and I think you two
have a lot in common.
22
00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:04,455
Oh, so she also lives at home
and takes the bus to work?
23
00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:08,198
Thank you, Gemma,
but I don't think so.
24
00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:10,461
My last blind date turned out
to have three children.
25
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:12,072
Well, you like kids.
26
00:01:12,115 --> 00:01:13,725
Yeah, but she brought
all of them to dinner.
27
00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:18,208
And one of them
was older than me.
28
00:01:18,252 --> 00:01:20,471
I promise you,
you have nothing to worry about.
29
00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:22,821
I'm kind of known
for my matchmaking skills.
30
00:01:22,865 --> 00:01:25,128
I have a perfect track record.
31
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,608
Well...
32
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,828
What about the Parkers?
33
00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:32,266
Oh, so he has a secret family
in Winnipeg and that's on me?
34
00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:34,833
Anyway,
35
00:01:34,877 --> 00:01:39,099
back in Kalamazoo, they called
me Dr. Wedding Bells.
36
00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:40,361
Hey, look,
I appreciate it, Gemma,
37
00:01:40,404 --> 00:01:42,102
but I'm not that desperate yet.
38
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:44,843
You're not?
39
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:48,238
You're playing Go Fish
with two married men.
40
00:01:48,282 --> 00:01:51,111
And last night I caught you
slow-dancing with a mop.
41
00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:53,635
He'll take it.
42
00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:56,290
Okay, fine.
I guess we can go for a drink.
43
00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,292
Here you go, man.
44
00:01:58,335 --> 00:01:59,902
Whoa, what's this, Pop?
45
00:01:59,945 --> 00:02:02,557
Uh, just some extra cash
in case she brings her kids.
46
00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:06,213
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
47
00:02:06,256 --> 00:02:07,344
♪ Welcome to the hood.
48
00:02:12,262 --> 00:02:14,438
Calvin, I just heard
that Terrence Walker died.
49
00:02:14,482 --> 00:02:16,223
Can you believe that?
50
00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:19,226
Absolutely.
The man was on his last leg.
51
00:02:19,269 --> 00:02:21,141
He lost the first one in Korea.
52
00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:25,101
Well, apparently,
he didn't leave a will,
53
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:28,060
and now his whole family
is fighting over his estate.
54
00:02:28,104 --> 00:02:29,845
What estate?
55
00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:33,675
He had an '81 Buick
and a closet full of left shoes.
56
00:02:38,549 --> 00:02:40,203
I don't know, Calvin.
57
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,118
We're not as young
as we used to be.
58
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,294
Maybe we should be thinking
about making our will.
59
00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:47,906
Oh, no. Baby, we're not
old enough to need a will.
60
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:50,170
I just got carded last week.
61
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:51,693
That's because the waiter
62
00:02:51,736 --> 00:02:53,912
was trying to give you
a senior discount.
63
00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:56,567
Which I did not qualify for.
64
00:02:57,829 --> 00:03:00,180
Calvin, God forbid you died.
65
00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:02,182
I mean, the last thing
you would want is for the boys
66
00:03:02,225 --> 00:03:04,140
to have to fight
over your stuff.
67
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:07,839
I'm dead and you're worried
about the boys?
68
00:03:09,145 --> 00:03:10,886
Wow, Tina.
69
00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:13,193
Wow.
70
00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:21,070
Hey, brother,
71
00:03:21,113 --> 00:03:23,290
I am meeting a blind date
for a drink.
72
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:25,074
and I really don't
want to be here.
73
00:03:25,117 --> 00:03:26,989
So can you call my cell
in, like, half an hour?
74
00:03:27,032 --> 00:03:30,471
Say no more. Grandma's in
the hospital or fire at home?
75
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:32,255
Let's not take chances.
76
00:03:32,299 --> 00:03:35,476
Grandma's in the hospital
because of the fire at home.
77
00:03:37,042 --> 00:03:38,653
Here's my number.
78
00:03:38,696 --> 00:03:40,655
Hi. Malcolm?
79
00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:42,787
Oh, damn.
80
00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:44,267
Sofia?
81
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:49,838
Let me guess. You were about
to have a sick aunt?
82
00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:51,361
What?
83
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,234
How did you know?
84
00:03:54,277 --> 00:03:56,105
Because I'm getting
85
00:03:56,148 --> 00:03:58,499
a call from mysick aunt.
86
00:04:00,152 --> 00:04:01,502
Never mind, he's cute.
87
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:07,072
Hey, wait.
88
00:04:07,116 --> 00:04:09,118
We only need a table
for the two of us, right?
89
00:04:09,161 --> 00:04:10,815
Yeah. Why?
90
00:04:10,859 --> 00:04:12,208
I'm just checking.
91
00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:19,694
Hey, babe. Whatcha doing?
92
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:21,391
Just getting some fresh air.
93
00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:22,958
It's a beautiful night.
94
00:04:23,001 --> 00:04:24,351
The stars are out.Yeah...
95
00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:25,352
You're waiting for Malcolm.
96
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,223
Where the hell is he?!
97
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,790
Well, if they're not home yet,
98
00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,922
the date must have
gone well, right?
99
00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:34,186
Not just well. Sofia texted me
and said it went great.
100
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:36,319
Looks like Dr. Wedding Bells
101
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:39,148
hasn't lost a patient yet.
102
00:04:39,191 --> 00:04:40,584
Well...
103
00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:43,239
I don't know if the
Cahills would agree.
104
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,806
Again, not my fault.
105
00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:47,243
If he didn't know he was gay,
how was I supposed to?
106
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:50,333
Hey, guys.Enough with the chitchat.
107
00:04:50,377 --> 00:04:51,987
Tell me everything.
108
00:04:52,030 --> 00:04:53,771
Look, there's not much to tell.
109
00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:55,817
It was okay.
110
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,209
Wha...
111
00:04:57,253 --> 00:04:59,299
Just okay?Oh.
112
00:04:59,342 --> 00:05:02,780
Time of death: 9:32.
113
00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:06,393
Wha... But Sofia said
it went great. What happened?
114
00:05:06,436 --> 00:05:08,046
All right, here's the truth.
115
00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:09,526
She has got this annoying laugh.
116
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,833
A-And I mean,
it's really annoying.
117
00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,182
How bad is it?
118
00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:14,705
People around us
were checking their phones
119
00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:16,403
to see if there was
a Amber Alert.
120
00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:19,928
Look, I'm sorry, Gemma,
121
00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:21,930
but that's a deal breaker
for me, all right?
122
00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:23,323
Thank you for trying, though.
123
00:05:25,107 --> 00:05:26,674
GEMMA:
I can't believe it.
124
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:30,330
I-It's crazy for something
like that to be a deal breaker.
125
00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:33,507
Catching your husband in a
Jacuzzi with the mailman I get.
126
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:37,772
But this? No.
127
00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:40,949
Well, look, Gemma, everyone
has their deal breakers.
128
00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:43,386
You know, when I was single,
I could never date
129
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:44,474
someone who littered
130
00:05:44,518 --> 00:05:47,695
or had the same
haircut as my mom.
131
00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:51,612
Or lived east of highway 43.
132
00:05:51,655 --> 00:05:54,789
It is bumpkin central
over there.
133
00:05:54,832 --> 00:05:58,096
Dave, I lived east
of highway 43.
134
00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:00,055
Oh, I know.
135
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,581
But once I got to
know you better,
136
00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:06,583
I discovered so many
of your deal makers
137
00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:08,977
that I forgot about
my one deal breaker.
138
00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:11,545
Aw.
139
00:06:11,588 --> 00:06:13,373
Plus, you were the only girl
I met from over there
140
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:14,722
who wasn't in a fight club.
141
00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:19,117
Maybe if I can
get Malcolm to see
142
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:20,641
more of Sofia's good qualities,
143
00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:23,426
he'll get over his deal breaker,
just like you did.
144
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:24,558
I guess.
145
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:25,994
How long did it take you?
146
00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:28,910
Like, two or three dates?
147
00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:31,739
Yeah, let's go with that.
148
00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:36,744
Oh, hey, Dad.Hey, hey.
149
00:06:36,787 --> 00:06:39,529
Oh, y'all watching
YouTube videos again?
150
00:06:39,573 --> 00:06:42,489
Play the one where the monkey
steals the baby's ice cream.
151
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:45,405
No, Calvin, I asked
Marty to come over
152
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:46,928
and help us do our wills.
153
00:06:46,971 --> 00:06:48,146
MARTY:
Yeah, I found
this website
154
00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:49,496
that does almost
all the work for you.
155
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:52,194
So basically,
all you have to do is die.
156
00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:54,544
Boy, I survived
black Michael Jackson,
157
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,546
white Michael Jackson
158
00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:59,462
and "Damn, I ain't know he
did all that" Michael Jackson.
159
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,551
I ain't going nowhere.
160
00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:04,467
Okay, fine.
I'll do it without you.
161
00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:05,773
So leave his truck with Dave.
162
00:07:05,816 --> 00:07:08,645
Over my dead body.
163
00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:11,256
Exactly.Exactly.
164
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,475
Fine.
165
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:14,042
Come on.
Let's do this, then.
166
00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:15,609
Let's-let's do it.Aw.
167
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:17,785
Thank you, baby. And I promise
you, when we're done,
168
00:07:17,828 --> 00:07:19,134
you can watch your monkey video.
169
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:20,440
How does that sound?
170
00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:22,833
Good.
171
00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:25,836
Okay, let's get started.
172
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,317
Hmm.Uh, "Names, ages..."
173
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,232
Oh, do you want to be
buried or cremated?
174
00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:31,494
Buried.Buried.
175
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:32,495
Okay, great.
176
00:07:32,539 --> 00:07:34,018
Uh, moving on to the estate.
177
00:07:34,062 --> 00:07:35,585
"In the event that one of you
gets remarried..."
178
00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:38,632
Ha!
Next question, man.
179
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:40,677
Whoa. Hold on.
180
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:42,287
Why is that funny?
181
00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:45,465
'Cause I would never be
with another woman after you.
182
00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:50,470
And you definitely
couldn't be with another man.
183
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:54,735
So, Calvin,
if you up and die tomorrow,
184
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:57,868
you would expect me to be single
for the rest of my life?
185
00:07:57,912 --> 00:07:59,348
Uh, yeah.
186
00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:02,525
Winnie Mandela did it.
187
00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:05,702
Coretta Scott King did it.
188
00:08:05,746 --> 00:08:07,574
Tina Butler can do it, too.
189
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:10,925
Mandela, Dr. King.
190
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:13,231
Why don't you
just compare yourself to Jesus?
191
00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:14,537
Well, fine. When I die,
192
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,626
you got three days,
and I'm coming back.
193
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,804
Stop playing with me, Tina.
194
00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:23,590
I forbid you to remarry
after I die.
195
00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:26,549
Well, if you keep it up,
you won't have to.
196
00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:30,771
Hey, who wants to watch
a monkey video?
197
00:08:34,035 --> 00:08:35,689
So, you see, Grover,
198
00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:37,473
even though Charlotte
dies in the end,
199
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,171
the sacrifices she made
for Wilbur the pig
200
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,652
show us what true
friendship really is.
201
00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:45,655
All it did
was make me want bacon.
202
00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:49,267
Remind me to never let you read
Old Yeller.
203
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,749
Hey, Malcolm.
204
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:55,186
Oh, hey, Dave.
Uh, Gemma asked me to come over
205
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:56,971
and help Grover out
with his book report.
206
00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:59,713
Huh.
That's usually my job.
207
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,192
It was...
208
00:09:01,236 --> 00:09:03,804
until I got a C
on the last one.
209
00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:08,591
I don't care what
Ms. Sweeney says.
210
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:12,508
Charlie did nothing to deserve
that chocolate factory.
211
00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:19,733
Hi, I'm...
212
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:21,430
Sofia?Sofia?
213
00:09:21,473 --> 00:09:22,779
Sofia!
214
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:32,876
So, Sofia, what languages
do you speak again?
215
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,271
Well, English,
Spanish, French...
216
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:40,667
Ooh, French. As in fries,
toast and kissing.
217
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,974
Gemma, you're embarrassing me.
218
00:09:44,018 --> 00:09:46,063
Sorry.
219
00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:47,456
She also graduated cum laude
from Berkeley.
220
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:51,329
Yeah, she mentioned that
221
00:09:51,373 --> 00:09:52,374
at the restaurant.
222
00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:54,506
You know who else
went to Berkeley?
223
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:57,466
Frank M. Business.
224
00:09:57,509 --> 00:10:00,512
The "M" stands for Mindyourown.
225
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:03,951
Um,
226
00:10:03,994 --> 00:10:05,605
Gemma, uh, where's the bathroom?
227
00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:07,868
Oh, uh, through the door
next to the stairs.
228
00:10:10,827 --> 00:10:12,133
Really?
229
00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:13,787
I can't believe y'all did this.
230
00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:16,485
Hey, don't look at me.
I had nothing to do with this.
231
00:10:16,528 --> 00:10:19,749
I've been upstairs brushing up
on Charlotte's Web.
232
00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:21,969
Like a sucker.
233
00:10:23,405 --> 00:10:25,581
It's true.
This is all on me.
234
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,149
I just wanted you to
give Sofia another shot.
235
00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:29,933
Once you spend
some more time with her,
236
00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:31,935
you'll forget all about
her silly little laugh.
237
00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:33,545
Gemma, this is not cool.
I told you
238
00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:35,417
I'm not interested in her or
the fact that she speaks French.
239
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:38,725
Bon-Bonjour!
240
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:40,335
Oh!
241
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:43,947
Bonjour.
242
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,827
I'd take my mom's haircut
over that any day.
243
00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:55,959
Ooh.
244
00:10:57,613 --> 00:11:00,703
So, who gets the house--
me or Malcolm?
245
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,270
Whichever one of you promises
246
00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:04,489
not to let
your new stepdaddy move in.
247
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:08,145
Oh, come on, Calvin.
248
00:11:08,189 --> 00:11:10,452
You know, look,
if I die tomorrow,
249
00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:13,107
I would want you to do
what you have to to be happy.
250
00:11:13,150 --> 00:11:14,804
Oh, really?
251
00:11:14,848 --> 00:11:17,677
So you'd be okay if I married
Monique Baker?
252
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,810
That skank ho?!
253
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:24,509
Don't you talk about
Marty's stepmother like that.
254
00:11:24,553 --> 00:11:25,728
Wait.
255
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:27,164
Wait, who is Monique Baker?
256
00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:30,559
She's a skank ho, that's who!
257
00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:32,082
She used to sing in the choir
258
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:34,476
with your mother,
and I ain't gonna lie--
259
00:11:34,519 --> 00:11:36,347
she was pretty easy
on the eyes.
260
00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:39,350
What?
261
00:11:39,394 --> 00:11:41,439
You wouldn't want me
to be with somebody ugly now,
262
00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:45,095
would you? I mean, that would be
disrespecting your legacy.
263
00:11:46,531 --> 00:11:49,883
So you been cheating on me
in your mind all these years?
264
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:52,712
Come on, Tina.
You know my mind.
265
00:11:52,755 --> 00:11:53,974
You know I don't think.
266
00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:58,282
Well, you thought her
name up pretty quick.
267
00:11:58,326 --> 00:11:59,849
Yeah, it was pretty quick, Dad.
268
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:01,285
You just lost the house.
269
00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:02,983
Damn it.
270
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,420
And I'm not understanding
why you're so upset.
271
00:12:05,463 --> 00:12:08,379
'Cause I was ready to mourn
for the rest of my life,
272
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:11,426
but no...
273
00:12:11,469 --> 00:12:13,689
you want us to be happy.
274
00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:17,432
Okay, fine.
Maybe you're right.
275
00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:20,261
Maybe I shouldn't get
remarried when you're gone.
276
00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:22,045
See? Now,
that's what I'm talking about.
277
00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:24,265
I mean, why tie myself down
to one man
278
00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:25,832
when I can date
a whole bunch of 'em?
279
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,311
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
280
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:28,835
W-What'd you just say?
281
00:12:28,878 --> 00:12:30,793
Uh, maybe now's a good time
for me to get a snack.
282
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:32,316
Or, you know,
leave forever.
283
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,318
Oh.Yeah.
284
00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:35,885
You heard me.
285
00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:37,452
Maybe I should play the field,
286
00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:39,019
you know,
even go back to Jamaica,
287
00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,717
get my groove back.
288
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,414
Or maybe
289
00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:45,416
I should date a younger guy.
290
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:48,332
I hear Monique's son
is really good-looking.
291
00:12:48,376 --> 00:12:51,814
You stay away
from my future wife's son.
292
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:53,816
Wait, uh, time-out.
293
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:57,646
You do realize that means you
would be dating my stepbrother?
294
00:12:57,689 --> 00:12:59,648
Ooh, you are so smart.
295
00:12:59,691 --> 00:13:01,824
I wonder if you get it
from your late father.
296
00:13:01,868 --> 00:13:03,304
What's his name again?
297
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:07,003
You know what,
that's it.
298
00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:09,092
If I die,
I'm coming back as a ghost.
299
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:11,007
Let's see you keep a boyfriend
300
00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:13,009
when I'm poltergeisting his ass.
301
00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:19,320
Oh, and you know
what else?
302
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:22,540
Sofia was telling me about
how much she loves to read.
303
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:24,629
Malcolm's
a big reader, too.
304
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:25,630
What are you reading
these days?
305
00:13:25,674 --> 00:13:26,936
Oh, all kinds of stuff.Mm.
306
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:29,243
E-mails,
307
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:31,811
text message...
308
00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:33,421
takeout menus.
309
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:40,428
Guys, I think the cat
from the alley is back.
310
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:43,561
And it sounds
like she's having babies.
311
00:13:43,605 --> 00:13:45,868
Uh, go back upstairs
312
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:48,088
and finish your
book report, sweetie.
313
00:13:48,131 --> 00:13:50,307
Well, I guess
I should be getting home.
314
00:13:50,351 --> 00:13:52,179
Well, but it's still early.
315
00:13:52,222 --> 00:13:54,094
Yeah, well, when you're
a security guard, you need
316
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:55,095
a lot of rest.
317
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:56,400
Otherwise you might fall
318
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:57,575
for a sneak attack.
319
00:13:59,142 --> 00:14:00,404
Oh, okay.
320
00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:02,319
It was nice to see you.
321
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:03,973
It was nice
to see you, too.
322
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:06,671
Malcolm, before you leave,
can I see you in the kitchen?
323
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,456
I have an important...
324
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:10,719
security guarding question.
325
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,768
Sofia, uh...
326
00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:18,466
you're an English teacher.
327
00:14:18,509 --> 00:14:20,772
You tell me those Oompa Loompas
didn't deserve
328
00:14:20,816 --> 00:14:22,296
the chocolate factory.
329
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,473
Malcolm, don't leave now.
330
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:27,170
You're not giving her a chance.
331
00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:29,172
That's because I told you
I'm not interested.
332
00:14:29,216 --> 00:14:31,174
Just because of her laugh?
333
00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:33,873
Which, by the way,
I happen to think is cute.
334
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:42,664
Okay, Grover's right.
335
00:14:42,707 --> 00:14:44,753
It's like a catfight
in her throat.
336
00:14:46,755 --> 00:14:48,061
But...
337
00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:50,672
she's so great
in every other way.
338
00:14:50,715 --> 00:14:52,848
She's just not for me, okay?
339
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,633
Fine. I guess
I'm just disappointed.
340
00:14:55,677 --> 00:14:57,722
I didn't think
you were so superficial.
341
00:14:57,766 --> 00:15:00,508
No, look, Gemma, I'm not
superficial, all right?
342
00:15:00,551 --> 00:15:02,640
It's just...
343
00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:04,686
It's just what?
344
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:06,906
All right, you want the truth?
345
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:09,299
The problem is not her laugh.
346
00:15:09,343 --> 00:15:11,606
I actually like it.Really?
347
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:16,437
I mean, really?
348
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,134
Yes, okay?
It's got character.
349
00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:20,223
She doesn't hold back, and...
350
00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:22,530
I think that's cool.
351
00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:24,749
Okay, so then what's
the deal breaker?
352
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:25,968
It's me.
353
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:27,752
I'm the deal breaker.
354
00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:29,624
I-I got to go.
355
00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:32,932
Hey, it was really great
to see you.
356
00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:34,934
Um, good night.
357
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:41,592
What just happened?
358
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:44,204
I don't know.
359
00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:46,641
It's definitely not something
to laugh about.
360
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:52,690
Oh, yeah? Well, me and
my boy toy, Winston,
361
00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:54,692
we gonna lie on the beach
in Jamaica
362
00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:57,869
and listen to reggae music
all day.
363
00:15:57,913 --> 00:15:58,914
Yeah, well, that's all right.
364
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,437
Because I'm gonna be
on the couch
365
00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:01,830
while Monique feeds me
366
00:16:01,873 --> 00:16:04,876
the best macaroni and cheese
I've ever had.
367
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:08,489
You said that I made
the best macaroni and cheese.
368
00:16:08,532 --> 00:16:09,490
You did.
369
00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:10,795
But you dead.
370
00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:12,449
Guys, please.
371
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:14,538
No, no, no, no, no, no!
That-That's all right.
372
00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:15,844
'Cause I don't even
cook anymore.
373
00:16:15,887 --> 00:16:18,281
Yeah, me and Winston--
we hired a private chef
374
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:21,284
with the money that we got
from selling your shop!
375
00:16:21,328 --> 00:16:22,764
Marty, when I die,
376
00:16:22,807 --> 00:16:24,548
burn down my shop.
377
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,030
Okay! Before I get arrested
for arson
378
00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:31,991
and have to be bailed out
by my stepbrother/dad,
379
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:34,906
can you both sit down
and be quiet?
380
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:35,907
Fine.
381
00:16:35,951 --> 00:16:37,648
I was gonna sit down anyway.
382
00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:42,523
I can't believe you guys
are arguing about this.
383
00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:44,481
Do you know how lucky you are?
384
00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:46,483
People my age can't find
somebody to be with
385
00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:48,703
for more than
two weeks.
386
00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:50,487
If it weren't for you two, I...
387
00:16:50,531 --> 00:16:52,881
I wouldn't even
believe in love anymore.
388
00:16:54,665 --> 00:16:56,624
I mean,
look at you.
389
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,930
After 30 years, you're both
still so in love with each other
390
00:16:58,974 --> 00:17:01,194
that you're jealous of people
that don't even exist.
391
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:06,895
Monique Baker exists.
392
00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:09,376
You know, I would've
never even brought her up
393
00:17:09,419 --> 00:17:12,814
if you weren't so ready
to move on and forget about me.
394
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,557
I could never
forget about you.
395
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:17,819
Calvin, you're my soul mate.
396
00:17:17,862 --> 00:17:20,430
If I lost you,
I would be devastated.
397
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:25,218
How devastated?
398
00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:28,960
Calvin, why are we even
talking about this?
399
00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:32,138
I don't want
to imagine life without you.
400
00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:34,357
I know.
401
00:17:34,401 --> 00:17:36,055
I'd miss me, too.
402
00:17:41,538 --> 00:17:43,627
Give me a kiss,
you big old...
403
00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:45,629
sexy honey bear, you.
404
00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:47,805
Come here.
405
00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:49,807
Okay, okay. If
you guys are good,
406
00:17:49,851 --> 00:17:51,809
let's get this over with.You know what, Marty,
407
00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:53,115
we're gonna have to do this
another time.
408
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,813
Your mother and I have
some making up to do.
409
00:17:57,815 --> 00:18:00,514
Okay, that is it. Malcolm is
definitely inheriting the couch.
410
00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:03,604
Well, in that case,
411
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:05,084
you ain't gonna want
the truck either.
412
00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:11,655
Hey, Malcolm.
413
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:13,875
I was just coming over
to see how you're doing.
414
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:14,876
I'm fine.
415
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:16,660
Just went for a little walk.
416
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:19,446
So, how'd the rest
of the night with Sofia go?
417
00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:20,621
Kind of weird.
418
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:22,318
Dave tried to keep
her from laughing
419
00:18:22,362 --> 00:18:23,841
by talking about
the opioid crisis
420
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:25,495
and how all the bees are dying.
421
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:32,111
Hey, what did you mean when you
said you're the deal breaker?
422
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:35,114
Look, Sofia is amazing.
423
00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:37,768
She's beautiful,
she's sophisticated,
424
00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:39,292
she's successful.
425
00:18:39,335 --> 00:18:40,902
But look at me, Gemma.
426
00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:43,861
I'm still living at home,
trying to get my life together.
427
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:46,342
That's not how anyone sees you.
428
00:18:46,386 --> 00:18:48,127
You're a great guy.
429
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:51,173
Well, maybe, but what do
I have to offer her?
430
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:54,611
Aside from watching Netflix
on my parents' couch
431
00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:57,919
while my pops rubs
lotion on his feet.
432
00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:02,141
Yeah, he's done that
on our couch, too.
433
00:19:03,664 --> 00:19:06,623
Look, the fact is,
434
00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:09,409
Sofia's out of my league
right now.
435
00:19:09,452 --> 00:19:11,193
Malcolm...
436
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:14,283
where you are now in your life
is gonna change.
437
00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:16,720
What's not gonna change
438
00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:18,766
is who you are.
439
00:19:18,809 --> 00:19:21,856
And Sofia likes who you are.
440
00:19:21,899 --> 00:19:24,424
She said that?
441
00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:26,643
Why don't you read
the text yourself?
442
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:31,779
Oh.
443
00:19:31,822 --> 00:19:33,998
Well, she talks a lot
about my butt.
444
00:19:36,566 --> 00:19:38,568
Kind of makes me feel
like a piece of meat.
445
00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:40,744
I like that.
446
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:45,619
Look, Sofia's a total catch,
447
00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:47,621
and you shouldn't
let her get away.
448
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:50,841
And I would tell her
the exact same thing about you.
449
00:19:51,886 --> 00:19:53,627
Thank you, Gemma.
450
00:19:53,670 --> 00:19:55,411
I'm gonna go give her a call.
451
00:19:57,674 --> 00:20:01,287
Just like that, Dr. Wedding
Bells saves another patient.
452
00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:03,985
CALVIN:
Shut the damn door!
453
00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:10,252
Was he putting lotion
on his feet?
454
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:11,384
Yeah, let's just go with that.
455
00:20:17,955 --> 00:20:19,479
So, before you married
Tina and were dating,
456
00:20:19,522 --> 00:20:20,828
did you have any deal breakers?
457
00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:22,395
I only had two rules, Dave.
458
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:25,441
Pretty feet and a big ole butt.
459
00:20:26,921 --> 00:20:28,879
Well, what about with friends--
460
00:20:28,923 --> 00:20:30,272
any rules there?
461
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:31,273
A bunch.
462
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:32,970
No one from Michigan,
463
00:20:33,014 --> 00:20:34,450
no optimists
464
00:20:34,494 --> 00:20:37,540
and definitely
no one named Dave.
465
00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:40,064
Well, you know,
466
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:42,284
I happen to have a
few rules of my own.
467
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:44,547
All right.
Let's hear 'em.
468
00:20:44,591 --> 00:20:45,853
They have to be grumpy,
469
00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:47,507
they have to know everything
470
00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:51,206
and they definitely have
to be able to fix a car.
471
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,557
Dave, if those are your rules,
472
00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:56,733
that would mean
we would be best friends.
473
00:20:56,777 --> 00:20:58,300
You said it, not me.
474
00:20:58,344 --> 00:20:59,519
Booyah!
475
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,006
Captioning sponsored by
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476
00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:12,053
Captioned by
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