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1
00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:41,479
Yep. What we're doing at the moment
is just... No!
2
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:45,918
...sorting the ladies that the agency
have sent me into "yes" and "no" piles.
3
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,038
These are the matches they've come up with.
4
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,589
Quite a lot of choice, which is good.
5
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:56,231
I get three free introductions
for the money I've already paid.
6
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:59,710
I've already chosen one.
I'm taking her to lunch today.
7
00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:04,908
I'll choose two more. I'll hook up with them.
What's the worst that can happen?
8
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,992
- You could get one pregnant.
- I'm not gonna do that!
9
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:11,038
- Do you mind black ones?
- No! All equal.
10
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,715
- They've sent you three of them.
- That is a lot, isn't it?
11
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:19,032
All on the "yes" pile, or just one
to show you're not prejudiced?
12
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,033
- Which one, though?
- That one's smiling.
13
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,679
Friendliest.
14
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:31,110
Look at that. 41. Looks 30.
Look at those! "Yes" pile?
15
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:36,115
- Yeah, if she's got a good personality.
- How can you be sure it's a recent photo?
16
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:41,274
- It could have been taken when she was 30.
- They should have a copy of today's paper.
17
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,510
- (NEIL) All right?
- Hiya.
18
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,113
- OK?
- Yep.
19
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:47,157
- Busy?
- Yep.
20
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,357
Gareth, I'll be back at three
to have a chat with you.
21
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,034
- OK.
- See you at the Christmas party, David.
22
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,714
- See you.
- You still need two tickets?
23
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,872
- Still bringing a lady friend to the party?
- Yep.
24
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:01,793
Good. I look forward to meeting her.
25
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,796
No. Come on, we better...
26
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,279
No.
27
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,152
Everybody.
28
00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:28,869
If I can have your attention, please.
Short announcement.
29
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:35,876
OK. For those of you who care or liked her,
Dawn Tinsley will be in this afternoon.
30
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:41,068
If you've never heard of her, she was just
a receptionist, worked here for some years.
31
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,232
Her and her fiancé, Lee, went to Florida.
32
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:48,279
Yes, Tim, that's "fiancé",
if you know what that word means!
33
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:49,793
Um...
34
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:54,078
Maybe you want to keep your thoughts
to yourself this time!
35
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,312
All right. Back to it, then.
36
00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,038
Please.
37
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:12,754
Hey, I know what it's like.
I've worked in a lot of places over the years
38
00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:16,549
and the number of infatuations
blokes have had over me.
39
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:21,555
Oh, God. They know they can't have me,
but it doesn't stop 'em.
40
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,429
I don't know what it is about me
they like so much.
41
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,591
I'm racking my brains.
42
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:41,474
- Thanks very much.
- Your table.
43
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,955
- This is nice, isn't it?
- Yeah.
44
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,909
Let's see what's on offer.
45
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,712
Nice.
46
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,714
No, your necklace! I wasn't...
47
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,872
Don't think so!
48
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:08,909
Although the reason women wear necklaces
is to draw attention to the breasts.
49
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,231
- I don't.
- No, I mean subconsciously.
50
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,870
I wear this because my mother
gave it to me before she died.
51
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:19,032
She probably wore it to draw attention to hers.
52
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,590
Can we not talk about my dead mother's breasts?
53
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:30,795
Duck pâté.
54
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:41,549
- I wasn't being lewd.
- I know.
55
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,393
- I was just interested in...
- Breasts!
56
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:49,111
Anthropology, sort of all that...
What signals we give off.
57
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,955
- I'm not giving off any signals.
- We all are.
58
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,635
I saw a programme on Discovery channel.
Interesting.
59
00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:00,236
Do you know why men are attracted to cleavage?
60
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,392
Because it reminds us of women's buttocks.
61
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:07,997
Presumably when we were cavemen,
we used to do you from behind.
62
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:12,995
So then we evolved and probably
turned you over when language came in,
63
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:19,679
to either chat or just to look at the breasts
that reminded us of the buttocks.
64
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:23,389
- Can we not talk about breasts, full stop?
- Yeah.
65
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:29,072
- Do you want a starter?
- Let's go straight to the main course.
66
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:54,117
(DAWN) I'm actually nervousabout seeing everyone again.
67
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,590
I'm gonna have to answer
the same question 30 times
68
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,558
'cause I've been away for a couple of years.
69
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:06,795
I just wanna go, "We're back. It's been
lovely weather. We've done lots of sunbathing.
70
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,235
"I'm not gonna be an illustrator.
71
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,915
"That's all you need to know.
Let's get drunk."
72
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,753
Hang on. Sorry, it's just here on the left.
73
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:19,799
- Thank you.
- Why are you not going to be an illustrator?
74
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,520
Um, just circumstances, really.
75
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:27,515
If someone said to me, "Bang! You can be
an overnight successful illustrator",
76
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,752
that'd be great 'cause it was my ambition.
77
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:37,678
But it's not gonna happen
because of priorities and time and beughh.
78
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:40,434
You know. All that, really.
79
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,272
Thank you.
80
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,836
(TIM) Yeah, I'm looking forwardto seeing her again.
81
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,310
She's my friend and she's a good friend.
82
00:06:56,480 --> 00:07:01,600
I don't know exactly how I'll feel.
I'll feel like a friend feels, whatever that is.
83
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:05,639
But, as I said, I'm not gonna ask her again.
Come on!
84
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:11,876
I might ask her again. No, I won't. No, I won't.
85
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:15,077
I know I won't. I know I won't.
86
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,111
She would have to do the asking.
87
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,075
Oh, my God. Hello!
88
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:35,673
Hi!
89
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:37,831
How are you?
90
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,319
Hello!
91
00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:42,040
Good to see you.
92
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,997
Thanks! Hello!
93
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,515
How are you doing? No Lee?
94
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:50,468
No, he's at his mum's. Hey.
95
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,871
- You're looking very brown.
- Oh, OK.
96
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:57,669
- What have you been up to?
- Not much, actually.
97
00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,752
- Enjoying life?
- Trying to.
98
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:05,311
- This is all the same.
- Never changes.
99
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:09,519
- Can I get you a cup of tea?
- I'd love one. Lovely.
100
00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:13,036
- It's really good to see you.
- Lovely cup of tea.
101
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:18,317
Actually, I think Gareth might wanna see you.
102
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,358
Shall we go and see the new boss?
103
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,717
Nice to see you. All right?
104
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,718
- Shall we see him?
- Yes.
105
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,269
Ready? He's the boss!
106
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,472
Dawn Tinsley, as I live and breathe!
107
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,548
- Don't bloody believe this!
- Hi!
108
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,917
Come here. How are you, babes?
109
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,389
I'm fine, darling!
110
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,791
- What are you doing in America? Sit down.
- What do you mean?
111
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:54,270
- Workwise?
- Oh, it's complicated.
112
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,318
- You have to have a work permit.
- Sure.
113
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,836
If you are struggling,
you're welcome back here.
114
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:05,994
Things have changed a bit round here -
he'll tell you. I'm quite a powerful man.
115
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,789
If you came back,
you wouldn't necessarily be on Reception.
116
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:13,157
I always did think you were a hard worker,
if a little bit...
117
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,278
Are you still trying to be an artist?
118
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,671
- No.
- Good. Waste of time.
119
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:24,630
Practically thinking. Moving on.
Good. You're no spring chicken.
120
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,279
No.
121
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:34,232
(RINGING TONE)
122
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,834
- Hello?
- Is that Gillian?
123
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,913
- Yeah. Who's this?
- You're one of my introductions.
124
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,548
- Oh, yeah. Hi.
- Hi.
125
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,631
- You all right?
- Yeah.
126
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,837
Um, how do you usually do these things?
127
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:54,077
Um, depends, really.Just have a chat on the phone.
128
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,231
Sometimes meet up.
129
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,756
You know, you wear a carnationand carry a newspaper!
130
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:05,438
Oh, to help recognise me. You probably won't
need that. You probably will recognise me.
131
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,431
Will I? Why's that?
132
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:12,469
Did you see a documentary that went out
on BBC Two called "The Office"?
133
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,632
Yeah. You're not that awful boss, are you?
134
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,837
- No, not the... No.
- What's your name?
135
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,309
- Uh?
- What's your name?
136
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:25,439
What's MY name? Or what's his name?
I don't know why you want his name!
137
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:31,277
Can I... Oh, no. I've just remembered.
Can I call you back, Gillian? See you...
138
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,749
(SWITCHES PHONE OFF)
139
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:38,311
She..."Who are you? What's your name?"
140
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:41,233
Too many questions. Chill out.
141
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,870
GBH of the ears.
No, no, no. Not for me, thank you.
142
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,838
Back to the drawing board.
143
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:55,153
Did you hear we're having
new toilets in January? Did he tell you?
144
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:59,871
- Tim, you didn't tell me about the toilets!
- Sorry. I had other things on my mind.
145
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:03,271
- Like, Gareth, are you still in the TAs?
- Yeah.
146
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,794
- What rank are you?
- Lieutenant.
147
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:11,511
Because I was thinking,
if you ever take an enemy soldier prisoner,
148
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,399
- would you have to search him?
- It's possible.
149
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,677
So you're doing a full body search.
150
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,593
You find something hard. You know what it is.
151
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:24,753
Do you say, "You've got a big weapon.
Give it to me now." Or...
152
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:28,196
I'm not gonna ask him.
I'd just get it out myself.
153
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:32,797
Right. And what happens,
you're going into a battle situation,
154
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:37,317
are you up the front with your men
or are you coming up the rear?
155
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:41,393
- Well, it depends.
- It's possible you'd come up the rear?
156
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,711
- It's possible.
- That's all we wanted to know.
157
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,598
(TIM) What?
158
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:55,789
Yeah, it's like actual...
He's got those clompy shoes still.
159
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,748
- With the silver link buckle across.
- He hasn't progressed.
160
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:03,674
- He still looks like a golf club.
- Dawn? Anne. Yeah?
161
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,831
Hi. It's nice to meet you.
162
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,677
Must tell you this.
You'd have laughed the other day.
163
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,638
- You know Paul Wallace?
- From Harper's?
164
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,360
No, he's at Silverleaf now.
165
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:20,399
Anyway, he's talking to Mel on Reception.
He's chatting away.
166
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:23,472
He's talking to her for about ten minutes.
167
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:27,030
Then he says, "Dawn,
have you changed your hair?"
168
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,556
He thought she was you.
He didn't realise you'd left!
169
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:34,395
I laughed. I shouted,
"Paul, do you think that's Dawn?"
170
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,869
He thought it was you.
171
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:38,792
Extraordinary.
172
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:43,511
- Where's your husband? Is he here?
- He's not my husband yet.
173
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:47,036
- Are you gonna have children?
- Not that I'm aware of.
174
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,829
Word of advice.
Have 'em sooner rather than later.
175
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,468
There's nothing worse than an old mum.
176
00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,872
- I'm gonna shoot off.
- Do you want another cup?
177
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:03,554
- I'm fine, thank you.
- Really good to see you.
178
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,188
- And you.
- Thanks for coming in.
179
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,033
- Dawn.
- How are you doing?
180
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:14,149
- Are you coming to the Christmas party?
- Yes, although we've got to leave early.
181
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,834
- We've gotta get back the next day.
- Have you?
182
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,719
We'll have a good old chat then.
183
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,508
- OK, see you, everybody!
- (ALL) Bye!
184
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,711
I'll see you soon.
185
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,676
What's that?
186
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,308
A sketch of me. Dawn's an artist.
187
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:51,996
It's not very accurate.
Your nose is much bigger than that.
188
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:07,398
I spoke to her on the phone.
Seemed nice. Feel a bit sick, really.
189
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,518
Not nerves. Excitement. Not sexual.
190
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:14,673
She's wearing a white chiffon scarf
to help me spot her.
191
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,752
So, um... Oh, for fuck's sake!
192
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,036
- David?
- Uh?
193
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,278
Yep? Hiya.
194
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:26,319
- Susan. Can I get you a drink?
- No. I'll get one. Have you got one?
195
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,040
- Yeah.
- Sit down. I'll get one.
196
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,552
You know...
197
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:03,518
- Said on your form you like classical music.
- Did it? Yeah! You?
198
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,114
Yes. Who do you like?
199
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:09,158
- All the big ones. All the big names.
- I love Grieg.
200
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:14,348
He's good. Not as good as Beethoven.
He's generally considered to be the best.
201
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:18,832
- Which Beethoven do you like?
- All his main hits. All the big ones.
202
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,753
Totally deaf, isn't he?
203
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:27,231
I'm a musician meself,
and all the stuff he came up with,
204
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:33,191
I don't think he could have done better
if he could have heard what he was playing.
205
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,118
What else... Um...
206
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:48,508
Don't have to just talk about music.
I can talk about anything.
207
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:53,515
That's what I'm famous for, I can talk
about anything. You name a subject.
208
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:57,389
Name something and I'll tell you
an interesting fact about it.
209
00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,393
- What sort of thing?
- Anything!
210
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,437
- Uh?
- Cows?
211
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:06,752
Cows. Cows have got four stomachs. Right?
212
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:12,753
Don't look at me like that!
You said cows. Choose anything.
213
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,516
- Lemons.
- Lemons?
214
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:20,116
- I can choose something else.
- No, you said lemons.
215
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,599
Uh...
216
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:27,511
Pound for pound, there's more sugar
in a lemon than a strawberry.
217
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:32,708
- I wouldn't know if that was true or not.
- I just told you it and I'm not a liar.
218
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:37,749
- Look it up when you get home.
- Is that your party trick?
219
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:42,152
It's not a trick, is it, knowledge, education?
220
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:52,268
- So how do you feel about Lynne?
- Um, well, not bowled over, to be honest.
221
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:57,791
In fact, I'm thinking of asking for money back
under the Trades Descriptions Act
222
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:01,350
because this is the "recent" photo she sent in.
223
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,875
I'd have been up for that!
224
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:08,794
What annoys me is that
when I saw her, I thought, "Oh, God!"
225
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:13,033
Then I thought "Maybe she's got
a good personality." She hasn't.
226
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:17,113
I thought she'd be one of them happy,
bubbly ones 'cause we were eating.
227
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:20,431
She's bleugghh! Nothing. Know what I...
228
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:25,594
- Not talking about me, are you?
- No! You couldn't hear that? No.
229
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,079
Right.
230
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:33,115
So... Would you want to do this again?
231
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,272
With you?! Wouldn't have thought so.
232
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,510
- I...
- Shall we just...
233
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,432
See you later.
234
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,472
- What did you think of him?
- Well, he wasn't quite what I expected.
235
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,313
Can I show you the photo he sent in?
236
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,754
- Here you go.
- Keep it under your hat. These.
237
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,275
- Right, OK.
- Secret Santa!
238
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:05,955
- Secret Santa. Take one.
- Tell them about Secret Santa.
239
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:10,636
Everybody gets a piece of paper,
writes their name on it,
240
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:15,476
puts it in the box, we jiggle it round
and then somebody takes a name out
241
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,791
and they have to buy that person a present
worth about £10.
242
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:22,669
- You keep it a secret.
- You don't know who bought you the gift.
243
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,513
- I said that.
- Let's have a go.
244
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:29,389
- No way. I'm not getting him one.
- Is that me?
245
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,869
- I can't say.
- Is it me?
246
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,838
- Do you wanna swap?
- Yes, please.
247
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,752
- Is that me?
- I can't say.
248
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,639
If it's me, don't get a stupid novelty gift.
249
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:44,032
Get a voucher or put £10 in an envelope.
I'll get something I really want.
250
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:49,069
- Put a tenner in an envelope.
- The spirit of Christmas! A tenner!
251
00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:01,711
So what are you doing?
Just thinking about Dawn?
252
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,111
No, I'm not thinking about Dawn, actually.
253
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,875
- Just... I'm not thinking about Dawn, OK?
- OK.
254
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:14,148
I just hope you don't embarrass yourself
again with her.
255
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,437
Well, I'm not planning to, Keith, all right?
256
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:22,230
I mean, that'll be the third time
you've asked her out and the woman's said no.
257
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,154
I'm not gonna do anything.
That is ancient history.
258
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:27,833
All right.
259
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,917
(LEE) Who's gonna be there? Yeah, sweet.
260
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,355
That'll be good. Yeah.
261
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,158
Whereabouts?
262
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,639
OK.
263
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:44,839
I love shopping for presents.
I love Christmas, I love birthdays.
264
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:49,710
I get more excited about watching people
open their presents than they do.
265
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:54,715
- You don't seem to have bought much, Lee?
- No, I don't buy into it. It's a con.
266
00:19:54,880 --> 00:20:01,672
What I usually say to her is work out what
she's spent on me and take it out of my wallet.
267
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:05,230
- I'm thinking of wrapping it this year!
- What?
268
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,509
Word of warning, though.
269
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:23,152
If you are planning to try and nail Dawn
for a third time while she's back,
270
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:28,474
you heard what she said -
she's going back the day after the party,
271
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,677
so you've not got long if you wanna try...
272
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,149
Thank you. Thank you.
273
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,959
Yep, that's great.
274
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:42,148
What do I owe you for this session? You're
obviously such an expert with the ladies (!)
275
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,038
- Yeah?
- Yep.
276
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,317
Why is that? What is your secret?
277
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,517
Well, men get turned on by what they see.
278
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:54,514
- But women get turned on by what they hear.
- Right.
279
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:59,196
I always make sure
the woman hears the right thing.
280
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:03,114
Yeah? So what do you do
when you're a-wooing? Sing to them?
281
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,238
No. I very tenderly explain to them
282
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:10,518
that I will guarantee them at least one orgasm.
283
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,395
- What's his name?
- Nelson.
284
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:25,792
- Where's his eye patch?
- Not Horatio Nelson. Nelson Mandela.
285
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,953
The great leader who they locked up
just 'cause he was black.
286
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:33,237
They locked him up for sabotage and conspiracy.
287
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,719
Racist!
288
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:38,077
He was commander of the militia wing of the ANC.
289
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,835
- We don't talk about that.
- They advocated guerrilla attacks.
290
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,070
Someone shut him up!
291
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:48,756
Can't bel... He's a great man, Mandela.
Great man, great dog. That's what we're...
292
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,559
So... Good company, as well.
293
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:57,431
My work takes me up and down the country.
I try not to be away for more than two nights.
294
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,751
It's not fair leaving him locked up too long.
295
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,070
Unlike the real Nelson!
296
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,118
- What? Come off it. I'm not having that.
- David?
297
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:09,397
- Why's that funny? Hi.
- Hi. Can I have a word, please?
298
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:11,118
Yeah.
299
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:15,471
- Alone.
- He can't understand you.
300
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,870
- No, I meant...
- Oh, people.
301
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:19,996
Come on, Nelson.
302
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:27,430
- What's your reason for being here?
- Is friendship a reason?
303
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:31,229
You've spent ten minutes
introducing people to your dog!
304
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:36,155
- So he's not allowed to come and chat now?
- I dunno what he's chatting about, but no.
305
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:40,632
- Sarcasm, the lowest form of wit.
- I dunno what he's chatting about...
306
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:44,315
If he is here to crack jokes,
he should do it in his own time.
307
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:47,472
- This is a business, not a social club.
- Typical.
308
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:51,235
You don't like it 'cause I'm popular.
You don't like me coming back.
309
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:56,030
I don't like you interrupting a working day.
You seem to be here all the time.
310
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,158
- Did you allow people to breeze in?
- Yeah.
311
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,834
- Make chit-chat, distract people?
- Yes.
312
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,151
- What do you mean, "yes"?
- If it was good for morale.
313
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:08,232
- You should pay me to be here.
- You don't work here!
314
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:13,110
You have no reason to be here.
Unless you have a genuine reason to be here,
315
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,033
you can't just stroll in whenever you like.
316
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:19,033
I'm banned 'cause the regime don't like it.
317
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,670
You don't work here.
You can't come in for a natter.
318
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,673
- I'll come in for a meeting then.
- What meeting?
319
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,308
Can I come in for a meeting?
320
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:31,392
- Yes, if it's a business meeting, but...
- OK.
321
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:35,235
- You can't keep popping in unannounced.
- Come on, Nelson.
322
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:36,913
David.
323
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:42,108
Let's see how they take... Political news,
everyone. An interesting development.
324
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,556
I've been barred from coming to see you friends
325
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:50,396
by the powers that be that deem
I undermine the regime, 'cause they're scared.
326
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:56,032
Can't stop me seeing you after work, though.
Who wants to go for a drink tomorrow, to show?
327
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,760
Yeah? Anyone?
328
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:06,154
Short notice. What about the day after that?
Come and have a beer. Just...
329
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,598
Thursday's good - for me, anyway.
330
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,389
What's good for you?
331
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:20,278
I can still come in for meetings.
Who wants a meeting?
332
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:25,036
No one wants to have a meeting with you
or a drink with you. You don't even work here.
333
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,636
I'll have a drink with you tomorrow, David. Call me.
334
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,268
- All right. Oh, here he is.
- David.
335
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:35,274
- Let's get home, boy, before he bars you.
- He is barred.
336
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:39,479
Ooh, taking it out on animals.
There's your evidence.
337
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,430
Fight it. Don't...
338
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:47,191
Come on, boy.
339
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,911
(LOUD DISCO MUSIC)
340
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,596
(MUSIC DROWNS OUT WORDS)
341
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,358
- I don't wanna do these any more.
- Don't be silly.
342
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,559
I'm not being silly.
It's demeaning. A load of idiots.
343
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,554
- They loved you.
- If they loved me, why throw stuff?
344
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:41,713
Throwing water, plastic bottles, underpants.
345
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,270
One bloke threw a pair of Y-fronts,
hit me in the face.
346
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:49,069
I knew it was Nutella or Marmite
he'd smudged on the gusset,
347
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:53,233
but it was still him going, "We think you're shit."
348
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:58,997
Marmite? He must have prepared that at home
'cause he knew you were on.
349
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:03,833
That doesn't make me feel any better.
I'm not doing these any more.
350
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:08,073
Look, let me tell you I've heard this before.
351
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:12,153
I remember hearing
this exact same thing from Bruno Brookes.
352
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:15,835
He'd come off stage in tears sometimes.
I'll tell you why.
353
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,549
- Because you're perfectionists.
- Yes. I am.
354
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:25,909
Because I've got stuff to say to the world.
Not just wave. It's just waving - why?
355
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:29,197
- Shall I say you want to wave less?
- Not the point!
356
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:33,751
They're not my audience.
Get me on something... I'm an anecdotalist.
357
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:38,152
Get me on...
I'll tell you who I'd hit it off with - Parkinson.
358
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,434
Um... That could be tricky.
359
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:48,118
The trouble is, Parky tends to have people
on his show that have done something.
360
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:51,556
- People who've won an Oscar or...
- Not always.
361
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:55,793
I saw one with that bloke who was a hostage
in Beirut, chained to a radiator.
362
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:59,157
- John McCarthy.
- What's that? "So what did you do all day?"
363
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:02,118
"Nothing. I was chained to a radiator." Boring!
364
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,350
And what's he done since? Nothing.
365
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:09,389
I've got anecdotes. I've got stuff to say,
if people would listen, but they won't.
366
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:15,556
I'll see what I can do. In the meantime,
you're at Malibu's in Bracknell Wednesday week.
367
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:20,230
Call, definitely call Par... Do you know anyone?
368
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,630
I'll sort it out. Don't worry.
369
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:26,873
I know a bloke, used to work
on the show, I think, in the '70s.
370
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:31,830
Um, he's retired now, but he still knows Parky.
371
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:43,077
(DAVID) When I'm on the roadand I'm staying away,
372
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:46,357
it's good to get back to your room
after one of those.
373
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,637
This is fairly typical for me.
374
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,633
I like to... It just helps me relax.
375
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,314
Some people like a hot bath.
376
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:57,630
That's my Radox!
377
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:07,398
But, you know...
378
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:12,111
Neil will make one too many mistakes.
379
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:16,114
Head Office will see what I always knew.
They'll go in there and go,
380
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:21,115
"Right, David was right.
You've pissed off him and him.
381
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:25,432
"You're not the manager you think you are, OK?
382
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,353
"So get out. We made the mistake."
383
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:32,798
They'll drag him out by his hair.
Then the begging starts and they come to me.
384
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:38,353
"Oh, David, you were right all along.
Come back. You're the best man for this job.
385
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:44,470
"Will you come back?" I'll go "Sure. How much
money you got? This is gonna cost you."
386
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:47,234
"This is gonna cost you."
387
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:03,559
Yeah, I make that 93.
388
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:06,716
Is it?
389
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:31,792
"Something you find this week
gets the juices flowing."
390
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:34,520
# I'm comin' up
391
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:36,989
# So you better get a party started
392
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:38,479
# Sh-mowa!
393
00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:41,632
# I'm comin' up, I'm comin' # I hope not!
394
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:43,472
I'm in the pink.
395
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,108
I'm in the pink! Like my singing?
396
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:49,793
Pink. She's good. Wicked.
397
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:54,909
- Coming to the party?
- Big time. When's the meal beforehand?
398
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:57,799
Management have had a discussion.
399
00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:03,239
The upper echelons decided that only
present employees can come to the meal.
400
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:04,719
So...
401
00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:09,035
Yeah. I'm not worried about that.
I don't want the meal.
402
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,714
You wouldn't be allowed in if you did turn up.
403
00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:14,678
I don't want to! Listen to me.
404
00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:17,434
- Whose idea was that, Neil's?
- Might have been.
405
00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:22,754
There's a surprise. No one else is invited
who doesn't work here? Dawn's not?
406
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:24,911
- No.
- Fine.
407
00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:27,799
I know what he's doing, what he's up to.
408
00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:32,954
- I can have a word with Neil if you want.
- Nothing you can do. You're just a puppet.
409
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:37,113
- I can still bring a woman to this party?
- Yeah, if you can find one.
410
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:40,272
- I've found one.
- Have you? Which one?
411
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:43,034
- What do you mean?
- Off the list?
412
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:46,158
- I might have met her in the pub!
- Did you?
413
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:49,596
No, she's on the list. But don't assume.
414
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:52,194
"Assume" makes an ass out of you and me.
415
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:55,352
- I say that.
- You nick my catchphrases.
416
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,353
Like that one. And others.
417
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:01,398
- What time does the meal finish?
- 9, 9.30.
418
00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:04,996
9.30? What am I gonna do for three hours?
419
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,268
- See you.
- See you later.
420
00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:13,158
See you.
421
00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:42,830
(LIVELY SEASONAL POP MUSIC)
422
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:56,588
- Gents.
- Thank you. Good man.
423
00:31:56,760 --> 00:32:01,231
Shall we shoot off to a club
and come back when this livens up?
424
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:05,359
The question is, what makes us two
look like a pair of bollocks?
425
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:07,795
The prick in the middle!
426
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:10,474
Keep them coming and I'll stick around.
427
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,598
All right? Merry Christmas.
428
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,672
- Merry Christmas to you.
- So where's your hot date?
429
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,831
On her way, so don't...
430
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:21,309
Don't think...
431
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:24,950
Fashionably late. Not even late.
I told her to come about ten.
432
00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:28,590
- It's nearly ten now.
- Nearly ten isn't ten, though.
433
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:33,834
God, I hope you don't run this place
like that. Fascist! Chill out!
434
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:37,959
- I'm just looking forward to meeting her.
- We all are.
435
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,076
Bloody hell!
436
00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:44,273
- All right, mate?
- Lee, nice to see you.
437
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:46,635
- Looking very well.
- Cheers.
438
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:48,472
- Hello.
- Hi.
439
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,672
Look at this! The American couple.
440
00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:58,197
Brown, and white - with the teeth.
441
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:01,636
- Good!
- Yeah. It's nice to be back.
442
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:04,360
You look very well. Happy Christmas.
443
00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:06,875
- Secret Santa?
- Trudie.
444
00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:08,359
- Thank you.
- Thataway.
445
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:11,239
- Have you met Pete?
- We'll take our coats.
446
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:12,799
OK.
447
00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:29,348
I don't know what to expect.
I haven't been impressed so far.
448
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:34,753
I hope they're vetting them because
the computer seems to be throwing up rubbish.
449
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:38,117
It's like they haven't put me in the right category.
450
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:41,317
Oh, f... I don't believe it. Look at this.
451
00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:47,873
- Hello!
- Hiya.
452
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:51,635
- All right? Is Monkey in there?
- Oh, yeah! Phew!
453
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:53,631
- All right?
- Yeah!
454
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:57,110
I'm expecting a blind date
and I was worried you were it!
455
00:33:57,280 --> 00:34:00,192
No. Yeah, he's up there. Sorry.
456
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:17,269
I was gonna say,
do you hire a car in the States?
457
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:19,829
- Yeah.
- That's how you get around?
458
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:21,479
Cool.
459
00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:29,748
Hey, Lee, have a word with this one about
not doing the illustrating any more.
460
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,036
- She's not drawing or...
- No.
461
00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:36,352
I'd have thought you were
in the perfect spot for the watercolours or...
462
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,398
We agreed making a living's gotta come first.
463
00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:44,315
- She can still do it in the evening.
- To make money you gotta be good.
464
00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:46,072
Right.
465
00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:12,198
I brought you the long way round. Chris, Neil...
466
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,954
- This is Carol, my date...
- Hi.
467
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:16,838
...for this evening.
468
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:21,630
Yeah. Let's get you some alcohol, shall we?
What do you fancy? Wine? Beer?
469
00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:24,678
- I'm watching the figure.
- Let me do that!
470
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:26,353
- Vodka?
- Fine.
471
00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:27,953
- Pint of vodka.
- Pint?
472
00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:29,599
Joking!
473
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,593
Thought they'd sent me an alky then!
474
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:34,512
- Good.
- Excuse us.
475
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:43,109
Did you see the documentary?
476
00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:47,717
- No, no, I didn't. I know you were in it.
- Just a bit, yeah.
477
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:52,271
- Was that weird?
- Weird isn't the word I used when I saw it.
478
00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:54,749
- "Stitch-up" was.
- Why?
479
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:59,516
It was the way they left out
all the good bits I did every day
480
00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:02,353
- and put in the embarrassing bits.
- Like what?
481
00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:05,637
- The time I headbutted someone.
- Headbutted someone?
482
00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:07,438
- Yeah, but she was...
- She?
483
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,592
Yeah, but it was manipulated. They're crafty.
484
00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:15,675
Because - example - once
the guys found out I sing and play...
485
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:17,239
- Do you?
- Big time.
486
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:19,675
- Are you good?
- Yeah.
487
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:21,956
It's "Come on, give us a song."
488
00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:25,749
I was doing an impromptu gig
and they're filming it
489
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:29,549
and I did a beautiful version
of "No Woman No Cry".
490
00:36:29,720 --> 00:36:32,917
- Really?
- By the late, great Bob Marley.
491
00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:34,832
- Yeah.
- Good.
492
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:37,514
And all I'll say is this.
493
00:36:37,680 --> 00:36:41,639
Oliver, who is the office black guy,
thought it was brilliant.
494
00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:43,836
- Did he?
- Yeah. He should know.
495
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:47,117
- So I'll take his word.
- They didn't put that bit in?
496
00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:49,032
No.
497
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:57,478
Jeff Lamp, you're barred. Get out.
498
00:36:57,640 --> 00:36:59,517
I'm joking. Gareth.
499
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,718
- Did you drive down?
- No, I came in a cab.
500
00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:07,634
Yeah, we took a taxi. What were you saying?
501
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:10,473
(INAUDIBLE)
502
00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:12,710
Monkey Allen!
503
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:17,790
- That sounds good.
- Yeah.
504
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:20,599
- What about you?
- I'm repping...
505
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:23,877
- Right.
- I'm getting into entertainment, though.
506
00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:26,315
- Are you?
- It's very difficult, though.
507
00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:29,199
Seems to be a series of shitty PAs,
508
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:34,354
due to the fact that my agent - agent! -
does not know his arse from his elbow.
509
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:37,637
I go out, wave for ten minutes. Embarrassing.
510
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:40,473
They're all half me age. They're taking the mick.
511
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:45,555
Not really. You're getting paid.
You never see them again. What do you care?
512
00:37:45,720 --> 00:37:49,872
Take the money and run.
Spend it on something you do wanna do.
513
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:51,359
Yeah.
514
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:56,199
Drives me mad. To spoil a child,
it is a kind of child abuse.
515
00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:59,193
And you've got a responsibility as a parent.
516
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:00,679
(SHE BELCHES)
517
00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:04,310
And you cannot do that to your children.
518
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:08,155
- I'll tell you what, though...
- Hello, mate.
519
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:12,279
- Hello, son.
- They let you both in the country, then!
520
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:18,913
Excuse me! Do you mind not smoking near me?
521
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:23,039
- Sorry?
- Do you mind not smoking? I am pregnant.
522
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:26,636
- Yeah, and this is a party.
- I don't care about the party.
523
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:31,555
- I care about my unborn child.
- Then fuck off home, you dozy cow!
524
00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:37,118
- What did you say?
- You think we care as much as you do?
525
00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:41,637
Just 'cause you let some useless tosser
blow his beans up your muff!
526
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:44,360
Merry fucking Christmas!
527
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:57,629
- Beans?!
- I don't believe...
528
00:38:57,800 --> 00:39:01,429
Muff... was the bit for me.
529
00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:03,670
Beans and muff!
530
00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:05,796
#... red-nosed reindeer
531
00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:09,396
# Does he turn up on his sleigh?
532
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:15,430
# Do the fairies keep him sober for a day?
533
00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:20,553
# So here it is, Merry Christmas
534
00:39:20,720 --> 00:39:24,269
# Everybody's having fun
535
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:28,476
# Look to the future now
536
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:34,670
# It's only just begun
537
00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:38,355
# It's Christmas! #
538
00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:41,910
(SMOOCHY MUSIC)
539
00:39:50,720 --> 00:39:53,757
But otherwise you found
your way around all right?
540
00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:57,356
- Left everything in order, did I?
- Yeah.
541
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:58,999
Cool.
542
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:16,710
Dawn, have you done that important report
that I asked for? I've waited two years.
543
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:20,759
Unfortunately, I've been extremely busy -
sunbathing, filing my nails...
544
00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:24,196
I'm beginning to wonder
if your heart is really in this job.
545
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:26,789
You shouldn't be there. You don't work here.
546
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:29,952
Look at the boss, with his little boss face.
547
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:32,270
- Enjoying yourself, Gareth?
- Yeah.
548
00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:36,638
Gareth, I meant to ask you.
Following on from our discussion,
549
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,836
when you're out on manoeuvres,
550
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:42,913
you have to stay at a barracks
with all those men in bunk beds.
551
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:45,150
Now, do you prefer to go on top?
552
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:50,155
Yeah, because if you get up in the night,
you disturb them but they can't disturb you.
553
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:51,673
It helps.
554
00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:54,991
(TIM) They're trained, so they must be pretty fit?
555
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:59,153
- So you look at them and go, "They're fit."
- We all are.
556
00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:06,317
In a wood, if an enemy soldier jumped
on one of your boys, would you pull him off?
557
00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:08,869
- Immediately.
- You'd pull him off?
558
00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:10,359
Course!
559
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:13,592
They're winding you up.
He means wank you off.
560
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:16,957
- Did you?
- Yeah, afraid I did. Sorry.
561
00:41:17,120 --> 00:41:19,554
Thanks, mate.
562
00:41:19,720 --> 00:41:21,836
That's pathetic.
563
00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:29,354
- Shall we make a move?
- Eh? We can stay a few minutes, can't we?
564
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:33,354
You'll have too much to drink
and moan all day tomorrow.
565
00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:37,638
- What about Secret Santa?
- You'll cope. I'll get the coats.
566
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:40,360
All right, mate.
567
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:42,033
Ah, well.
568
00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:51,910
You can persuade him to stay for a bit, can't you?
569
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:55,914
I know, but we have to go tomorrow and...
570
00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:58,548
- Understood.
- Eight-hour flight.
571
00:41:58,720 --> 00:42:00,711
- Is it eight hours?
- It is.
572
00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:18,396
- Still, this has been nice.
- It has.
573
00:42:18,560 --> 00:42:21,279
- A good night.
- Yeah.
574
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:25,752
Good seeing you again.
Look after yourself. Have a good life.
575
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:28,388
- Keep in touch!
- I'll write.
576
00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:31,154
No, I will, I will.
577
00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:33,436
- Anyway...
- Listen.
578
00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:38,279
- It was really nice seeing you.
- You, too.
579
00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:41,432
- Look after yourself.
- Here's your Secret Santa.
580
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:45,470
- See you, mate. Good to see you.
- Lee. Good luck.
581
00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:46,959
Cheers.
582
00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:50,078
- Shall we go?
- Bye!
583
00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:52,231
Dawn's off, everyone.
584
00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:55,676
- See you later. Take care.
- Have a nice flight.
585
00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:57,910
# Whatever I said, whatever I did
586
00:42:58,080 --> 00:43:01,914
# I didn't mean it,I just want you back for good
587
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:06,870
# Want you back, want you back,want you back for good
588
00:43:07,480 --> 00:43:11,758
# Whenever I'm wrong,just tell me the song and I'll sing it
589
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:14,115
# You'll be right and understood
590
00:43:14,280 --> 00:43:19,274
# Want you back, want you back,I want you back for good #
591
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:25,551
Right. Next, Gareth.
592
00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:32,514
- Very funny. Who got me that?
- No, don't tell him! Secret Santa!
593
00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:36,719
I specifically said I wanted vouchers,
so... annoying.
594
00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:42,558
(TIM) The people you work with are peopleyou were just thrown together with.
595
00:43:42,720 --> 00:43:45,439
You don't know them. It wasn't your choice.
596
00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:49,513
Yet you spend more time with themthan you do friends or family.
597
00:43:49,680 --> 00:43:54,435
But probably all you've got in common is
that you walk on the same bit of carpet
598
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:56,477
for eight hours a day.
599
00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:04,917
And so, obviously, when someone comes inwho you have a connection with...
600
00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:10,557
Yeah. Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my lifeand it meant a lot.
601
00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:17,515
But if I'm really being honest, I never
thought it would have a happy ending.
602
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:37,392
I don't know what a happy ending is.
603
00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:41,394
Life isn't about endings, is it?
It's a series of moments.
604
00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:43,471
And, um...
605
00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:47,792
It's like, if you turn the camera off,
it's not an ending, is it?
606
00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:50,793
I'm still here. My life's not over.
607
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:54,669
Come back in ten years. See how I'm doing then.
608
00:44:55,920 --> 00:44:59,037
I could be married with kids. You don't know.
609
00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:05,034
Life just goes on.
610
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:15,276
# Mary's boy child, Jesus Christ
611
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:19,672
# Was born on Christmas Day
612
00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:25,999
# Hark, now, hear the angels sing
613
00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:30,438
# A king was born today
614
00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:34,229
# And man will live for ever more
615
00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:38,712
# Because of Christmas Day
616
00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:40,950
# Mary's boy child... #
617
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:44,999
(DAVID) No, I wasn't holding outa lot of hope for this evening,
618
00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:47,594
but she is a brilliant woman.
619
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:50,035
Smart, logical.
620
00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:57,117
You hear people say you can't be a beautiful,
sensual woman like Carol and still be logical.
621
00:45:57,280 --> 00:45:59,430
She's proved them wrong.
622
00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:03,559
Part of the attraction. In fact,
for me to be attracted to a woman,
623
00:46:03,720 --> 00:46:09,113
she has to be as intelligent or slightly
less intelligent than me. And she is.
624
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:14,957
I've never been impressed with guys who go,
"She's got great breasts" or "a cute tush".
625
00:46:15,840 --> 00:46:19,196
I mean, Carol's got all those things,
626
00:46:19,360 --> 00:46:22,432
but she's got it going on upstairs as well as down.
627
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:24,989
Perfect, for me.
628
00:46:25,920 --> 00:46:27,592
How was that?
629
00:46:27,760 --> 00:46:30,035
Yeah, he's funny.
630
00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:34,193
Yeah. He wants to try my Thai food. That's OK.
631
00:46:35,240 --> 00:46:38,073
I had a good chat, a good chat with him.
632
00:46:38,240 --> 00:46:40,549
Would you want to see him again?
633
00:46:41,680 --> 00:46:43,796
Yeah, I think so.
634
00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:53,997
- Thank you very much.
- Cheers.
635
00:46:56,560 --> 00:46:59,120
- Thank you very much.
- That's all right.
636
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:09,918
Definitely!
637
00:47:28,240 --> 00:47:31,915
For a beach holiday, it's perfect.
Long flight, but you get the weather.
638
00:47:32,080 --> 00:47:35,311
Two weeks, a grand each.
639
00:47:36,200 --> 00:47:39,556
- Well done. Leeds are doing well.
- What?
640
00:47:39,720 --> 00:47:43,872
- Where are they in the league?
- You don't know about football.
641
00:47:44,040 --> 00:47:47,191
- Guilty! I support Reading!
- When did you last go?
642
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:51,239
- I support football more than him.
- I'm a rugby man.
643
00:47:51,400 --> 00:47:53,630
Admits it, admits it.
644
00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:58,032
- No dog with you today?
- Did you not see her? She just left!
645
00:47:59,640 --> 00:48:02,712
Chris, why don't you fuck off?
646
00:48:09,040 --> 00:48:11,474
# Sometimes when I think of her name
647
00:48:11,640 --> 00:48:13,915
# When it's only a game
648
00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:17,313
# And I need you
649
00:48:17,480 --> 00:48:20,153
# Listen to the words that you say
650
00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:22,709
# It's getting harder to stay
651
00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:26,154
# When I see you... #
652
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:30,359
- The doctor's...
- All I'm saying is think about what I said.
653
00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:33,239
- The doctor is...
- I know this. They're triplets.
654
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:36,517
They're not triplets. Why would they be?
655
00:48:36,680 --> 00:48:39,990
If the bloke in the car is his father
656
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:42,754
and the doctor really did say,
657
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:46,230
"I can't operate on that boy. He's my son."
658
00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:50,154
- The doctor's telling the truth as well.
- Is he a man...
659
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:59,876
- Careful. She's got a fiancé.
- I haven't. Not any more.
660
00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:07,149
# All I needed was the love you gave
661
00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:11,470
# All I needed for another day
662
00:49:11,640 --> 00:49:15,076
# And all I ever knew
663
00:49:15,240 --> 00:49:17,071
# Only you
664
00:49:21,080 --> 00:49:23,878
# This is gonna take a long time
665
00:49:24,040 --> 00:49:26,270
# And I wonder what's mine
666
00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:29,639
# Can't take no more
667
00:49:30,240 --> 00:49:32,754
# Wonder if you'll understand
668
00:49:32,920 --> 00:49:35,309
# It's just the touch of your hand
669
00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:39,152
# Behind a closed door
670
00:49:39,320 --> 00:49:43,074
# All I needed was the love you gave
671
00:49:44,200 --> 00:49:47,431
# All I needed for another day
672
00:49:47,600 --> 00:49:51,388
# And all I ever knew
673
00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:53,877
# Only you #
674
00:49:56,280 --> 00:50:00,990
(DAVID) A philosopher once wrote,"You need three things to have a good life.
675
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:03,913
"One, a meaningful relationship.
676
00:50:04,080 --> 00:50:06,913
"Two, a decent job of work.
677
00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:11,912
"Three, to make a difference."
678
00:50:13,160 --> 00:50:16,869
It was that third one that stressed me.
"To make a difference."
679
00:50:17,040 --> 00:50:20,316
And I realised that I do. Every day. We all do.
680
00:50:20,480 --> 00:50:24,268
It's how we interact with our fellow man.
681
00:50:25,160 --> 00:50:28,391
Sorry, Neil, can I just have one with Neil out?
682
00:50:28,560 --> 00:50:31,358
Just one of the old gang. Do you mind?
683
00:50:31,520 --> 00:50:33,750
- The real gang.
- Yeah.
684
00:50:33,920 --> 00:50:35,990
The glory years!
685
00:50:36,760 --> 00:50:39,513
How would you like to be remembered?
686
00:50:40,640 --> 00:50:45,270
Simply as the man who put a smile on the face
687
00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:48,193
of all who he met.
688
00:50:48,360 --> 00:50:51,079
- Say "cheese"!
- Cheese!
689
00:50:51,240 --> 00:50:53,674
- Did that flash?
- No!
690
00:50:53,840 --> 00:50:56,798
OK, give me a sec. Bit of trouble here.
691
00:50:56,960 --> 00:51:00,430
(AS FRANK SPENCER) Oh, I'm having
a bit of trouble meself!
692
00:51:00,600 --> 00:51:04,479
Betty, Jessica, the cat did a whoopsie
in my beret!
693
00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:11,393
That was Frank Spencer. Oh, do it again!
694
00:51:18,400 --> 00:51:22,234
# So what becomes of you, my love?
695
00:51:24,400 --> 00:51:28,313
# When they have finally stripped you of
696
00:51:28,960 --> 00:51:31,394
# The handbags and the glad rags
697
00:51:31,560 --> 00:51:35,792
# That your grandad had to sweatso you could buy? #
698
00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:39,080
Have you got everything you need?
699
00:51:39,240 --> 00:51:40,673
Cheers.
58957
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