All language subtitles for The Full Pilot

I don't give crappy jobs.

If I give a good job to a good guy

and then, after a period of time,
he comes to me and says,

"Thank you for that job, David.
I've done that.

"I wanna move on.
I wanna better myself,"

then I can make that dream come true

to, AKA, for you.

The point is you talk the talk,
you don't walk the walk, vis-à-vis

you haven't passed
your forklift driver's test.

My friend gives the jobs
in the warehouse.

I know you're the man
for the job. Sammy.

Sammy, David.

You old slag.

Have you put the advert
for the forklift? Don't bother.

Got the man here.

He's perfect. Yeah, of course he's good.
He's one of mine.

Um, yeah.

Has he passed his
forklift driver's test?

He gives the tests.

Yeah. Yeah.

He's first-aid trained.

We'll get a CV over to you today.

I'm seeing you Saturday, aren't I?
For my sins.

(CHUCKLING)

How is Elaine? She left you yet?

Okay, I'll see you Saturday.

She has left him. I forgot that.

(INDISTINCT)

NARRATOR: David Brent has been in
the wood pulp, bleach and dye business

for 15 years.

For the last six years, he's been
Managing Director here at N-Tech

in Staffordshire.

Hour and a half.
You were in at quarter to.

June.

Good morning.

Lovely June.

- Not just the month.
- (LAUGHS) You've said that one before.

I haven't said that one before.
Probably August.

Can't steal my pens.

It's like a little snake, isn't it?

Anaconda. (GROWLS)

- Amazing. Seen that film?
- No.

Nor have I, but advertising.
Big blockbuster.

NARRATOR: June Tinsley
has been Senior Receptionist

since the company moved premises
six years ago.

Mail. Not me. M-A-l-L.

June, they're bills.
Special filing cabinet for bills?

- Called the wastepaper basket.
- Oh!

Can you get 'em back? I need them.

- Be gentle with me today, June.
- Oh, why is that?

Hangover from Hell.

Oh, a little of what you fancy
does you good.

A little bit too much of what I fancy
does me bad the next day.

El vino did flow.

Oh, you were just
letting your hair down.

That is my philosophy.

There's guys I went to school with,
my age,

they look about 50.
How old do you think I look?

- Thirty...
- Yeah. Thirty. Yeah.

Mind you, I think I'm drinking too much.

If drinking every single night
of the week's too much.

And every lunch time.

I didn't know you were counting.

- Oh, I wasn't counting, I was...
- No, no, no, but...

Sorry, how much did I drink last week?

(STAMMERING) Well, I don't... We all do.
I'm not saying just you in particular.

Um, I could get personal, too.

I could have a look at you
and get personal.

I don't. Because I'm a professional.

Professionalism is...
And that's what I want.

NARRATOR: Ricky Howard
is the firm's new recruit.

For him, today is an important
first step up the career ladder.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Has he got a name?
- WOMAN: Ricky.

Ricky... Ricky, oi, Ricky.

No. Ricky... Where's...

- What's his girlfriend in that?
- Uh, Bianca.

...Bianca?

- Did you tell him I was mad?
- WOMAN: Uh, no.

Oh, well, right.
Yeah, I'm here from Reed, the agency.

I'm here to help you out
around the office.

- A temp?
- Yeah.

- Fantastic. Let's get you started.
- Okay.

Into the fray. Braveheart.
It's fantastic. Have you seen that film?

- No, I haven't.
- Nor have I.

Amazing, though. Fantastic casting.

- Right.
- William Wallace?

- Mel Gibson looks exactly like him.
- I don't know what he looks like.

He's the one in Lethal Weapon 3.

MALE INTERVIEWER: Do you...
Do you think you're a good boss?

(SIGHS) People say I'm the best boss.

They go, "We've never worked
in a place like this.

"You're such a laugh.
You get the best out of us."

And I go, you know,

"C'est la vie.
If that's true, excellent."

And this is

the main office.

Totally open plan.

This is all brand-new,
done last year. Um...

Air conditioning, computerised.
Totally...

Right. So the whole thing's
hermetically sealed?

It's just Artexed, I think.

But I mean the...

It knows what temperature it is,
what time of day it is,

whether you're working or not.
No, I'm kidding you. That's illegal.

Um, this is where all the...

David Brent, I presume. No.

Something... The girls
like to get some plants,

it makes them a little bit happier.

This is where most of the PAs
and the managers work.

- Yeah.
- Um...

Taffy. Taff. Glyn.

Glyn there.
We all call him Taff. Um...

INTERVIEWER: What upsets you
about your job?

Wasted talent.

People, they could come to me,
they could go, "David, um,

"sorry to bother you. You've been
in the business 15 years,

"can you give me
a couple of words of advice?"

But they don't.

That's the tragedy.

This is the fax machine.

And the franking machine. I don't mind
the odd letter to your sick mother.

I hope she's not sick.

Um, but you know,
keep it down to the odd one.

There was a guy here before,
he was in a band,

and he was sending off demo tapes
to every record company.

60p a time.

- Yeah.
- It's not fair. More pigeon-holes.

INTERVIEWER: What do you love
about your job?

The laugh.

I just...

You know, I use... I suppose...

I suppose I use my gift of laughter
to get the best out of people at work.

Again, with the photocopier,

the odd one. But you know, keep...

Apart from the staff party,
keep the anatomy down to a minimum.

- Sit on it.
- Yeah.

Girls like that. Um...

What sort of system do you use
for the computers here?

The, uh... I think it's, um, Apple.

IBF. They're all, it's all...

Right, yeah.

...uh, up-to-date.

And this is the main house department.

Oh, man. Keep away from this guy.

(GROWLING)

He's the office joker.
Stand-up comedian.

In fact, stand up. Look at this.

How tall are you?

- 6'7".
- 6'7". Mmm-hmm.

We do a double act. Little and large.

The joker and the comedian.

We actually do have a laugh, don't we?

(HONKING) Always doing that.
No, it's okay.

(IMITATING SQUEAKING)

(LAUGHS)

INTERVIEWER: Is there anything
you wouldn't laugh at?

The handicapped. Um, there's nothing
funny about being handicapped.

And that's why Comic Relief
is so fantastic, 'cause they...

They're laughing for the good
of those people

that some people find funny.

And, you know, famine.

Um, I don't like...

Do you know what I call
alternative comedians?

Alternative to comedians.

Karen Roper's here for the interview.

Karen Roper? Um, yeah. Send her in.

NARRATOR: Karen is here
for a new PA position.

A confusion over the interview dates
means she's the only candidate.

(JUNE CLEARS THROAT)

Karen, this is Mr Brent.

I'll leave you to it.

Sorry, I don't know a Mr Brent. David.

- Hi.
- Pleased to meet you.

Oh. I've got one ready for you.

Just pop it down.

Right.

Curriculum vitae.

Karen Roper. Hmm.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, I graduated from
secretarial college recently.

Um, before that, two or three years'
experience temping.

So, I did very well at college.

And I'm looking to start a new job here.

Too boring. Tell me about yourself.

- Like hobbies and...
- Mmm.

Okay. Um, well, I like to keep fit.

- Reading.
- Magazines?

Novels.

Um, that kind of thing, really.

Television?
Just relaxing, generally, television?

Like at night, just chilling out,
vegging out?

I like to watch the telly sometimes.

Got cable? I've got cable.
It's excellent, isn't it?

I don't have cable.

You know some of
those programmes, though,

I'm talking about the late-night ones,

some of 'em you don't have to pay for,
some are just... fantastic.

You have charmed me. You've got the job.

Great.

Yeah?

Think of a decision, I'll make it.
Um, listen.

Start straightaway. There'll be
a three-month probationary period

where we can find out if we...

get along.

That's it. Start today.

- Okay.
- Well done.

Just...

(SIGHING)

I hope you don't mind. There's this
thing we have to do every day.

Absolutely, no. I mean,
I've had responsibility.

I've been in the Venture Scouts.

- As a leader.
- (LAUGHS)

Right. Well, it's this, actually.

It needs to be blown up
every day, really.

Because it keeps deflating.
It's sort of a promotional thing.

There's a valve just here.

Do you see?

Right. Okay. So, what, I...

I mean, you know,
it's like blowing up a water ring.

I just... No pump or anything?

No, no, it's...
I'm afraid you have to...

If you just kneel down and then get...

(LAUGHS) Pull out.
Pull out the thing and then you can...

Well, I never get him
'cause he's never here,

he says he's going to be here
but he's not here.

Where is he?

Well, you know what he's like.
He's around.

But where is he around?

He says he's around but he's not around.

- I know he's not around.
- I know, I know.

- So, where is he?
- It's not my problem.

I'm not saying it's your problem.
I just want to know where he is.

No, no, I sympathise with you
is what I'm saying.

MAN: That's a very nice way
of putting it.

(INAUDIBLE)

I don't... (CLEARS THROAT)

Why didn't he give it to me?

Well, he likes to think
he's not reachable.

He does, doesn't he? Yeah.
And he's not, is he?

No. I know, I know.

It's no way to run a company, is it?

Hi.

Lunch break.

Mmm.

Martin Amis.

Well, that's my mother, had
the best part of her bowel taken away.

Cancer. Big C.

On top of the big A.

She's had Alzheimer's about a year now.

She looks after me.

I still live with her.

It's getting too much.
I don't know what to do.

The other week, she was up and down
the stairs about 50 times.

- Calling the police. Naked.
- Oh, dear.

She was convinced the Pakistanis
were trying to ban toast.

I don't know what she's thinking.

What's that?

- Just a bit of Brie.
- What, from down there?

(JUNE LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah, it doesn't work. No. Oh.

No, I'm sorry.

No, it's just one of those practical...
You know what it's like.

Now you're one of the team, though.

Come on, we'll... Look, I'm sorry, mate.

I let them get away with murder
and in return I get away with murder.

It's, you know. Um, I just have a laugh.

If you get in at half nine one day,

you want to go half hour early
on a Friday to play golf...

- Do you play golf?
- Um, I don't, no.

That's your flexi-time.

You see, it is a great place to work.

I mean, the atmosphere is fantastic.

And I like to hold myself responsible
for that. Because I, you know...

Live and let live. We have a laugh.
We work hard.

- Right.
- But we play hard.

Sometimes we play hard
when we should be working hard.

But, um, you know...

I have a laugh with the girls.
They love me.

Not in that way.
No, I'm married, but... I don't know.

But, you know, they call me the Joker.

- Right, yeah.
- You know the song?

# I'm a joker, I'm a smoker #

I don't smoke. By the way,
all these offices are non-smoking.

But apart from that,
pretty much anything else goes.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, hold on. Right, check your watch.
This is wind-up time.

- You know, the practical jokes thing?
- Oh, right.

Don't give me away. Don't give me away.

Come in.

- Got the fax for you.
- DAVID: Ah. Come in.

Um, June, don't go.
I was going to call you in.

Can you take a seat for a minute?

Um, don't worry about...
Sorry about this. Um, it is bad news.

I'm going to have to let you go.

- Why?
- Why?

Theft.

Theft?

Apparently, I was the last
to realise but, um...

- What have I stolen?
- What have you stolen? Um...

Post-it notes, for one thing.

- Post-it notes?
- Yeah.

Well, they're worth, what,
12p or something?

Oh, hold on.
Have you got your Bible on you?

"Thou shalt not steal
unless it's only worth 12p."

You steal a thousand at 12p,
you've made...

Why would I want to steal Post-it notes?

I don't know. You and your boyfriend
sitting around, for your reefers.

- What's it called when you put the...
- Roaches.

Roaches. Caught you, drug addict.
No, I'm joking.

I don't know what you do.

- Well, you...
- Don't worry.

I can't believe this.
I've never stole as much as a paperclip

and now you're accusing me
of stealing Post-it notes.

And you're going to fire me for it!

And the good news is you don't get your
notice because it's gross misconduct.

- (SOBBING) Oh, God.
- So, you can go now.

(JUNE SOBBING)

Joke's over. Joke's over.

(LAUGHS) June, come on. We've done this.

Well done. Well done.
We were just having...

- It's a joke?
- Yeah.

Well done.

Your face.

You get off on this, don't you?

- That's it now.
- You like to make women cry, don't you?

- God!
- I don't think Ricky has to see this.

- Okay, well, that's it.
- You're a fucking pervert!

- That's it.
- Do you realise that?

Do you have any idea
what it's like to work for you?

That's it.
So my wife's going to see that.

Excellent. Yeah.

Yeah. I can't have a joke
with the girls.

Tony can. Old Tony can have a laugh...
I've never touched you.

You...

You're mad. You're absolutely mad.

Yeah. Okay, that's it.
Well done. Yeah, I'm mad.

I'm mad, yeah.
If I was mad, I'd slap that slut.

(SIGHS)

(RATTLING)

DAVID: What is the most important thing
for a company?

Is it the stock?

Is it the building?

Is it the turnover?

It's the people. It's the staff.
The investment in people.

And you invest in people by loving them.

They love me.

I love them in return. It's a family.

No secrets.