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1
00:00:07,344 --> 00:00:08,862
I can't believe
the Vatican hired us
2
00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:11,310
to find the Ten Commandments.
This is huge.
3
00:00:11,413 --> 00:00:12,586
Don't get your hopes up, Saltine.
4
00:00:12,689 --> 00:00:14,344
Every few years,
the Vatican hires an Arky
5
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:15,689
to search for the Commandments
6
00:00:15,793 --> 00:00:16,896
based on some crazy new tip,
7
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,482
but no one's ever found them.
8
00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:20,413
- It's basically busy work.
- Well, that's fine by me.
9
00:00:20,517 --> 00:00:22,862
Busy work is my second
favorite kind of work.
10
00:00:22,965 --> 00:00:24,344
After hard, that is.
11
00:00:24,448 --> 00:00:26,068
Your sunny disposition
can't disguise the fact
12
00:00:26,172 --> 00:00:27,482
that this gig is humiliating.
13
00:00:27,586 --> 00:00:29,275
It's for Arkys who are
so hard up for a job
14
00:00:29,379 --> 00:00:30,862
that they'll chase a wild goose.
15
00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:33,620
Well, wild is my second
favorite kind of goose.
16
00:00:33,724 --> 00:00:34,827
After tame, that is.
17
00:00:34,931 --> 00:00:36,034
All right,
let's get this over with.
18
00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,275
Maybe we can
make it home in time
19
00:00:37,379 --> 00:00:38,448
for happy hour
at Daiquiri Dan's.
20
00:00:38,551 --> 00:00:40,379
It's ten-for-one
RumChata night.
21
00:00:41,896 --> 00:00:42,931
Just as I suspected.
22
00:00:43,034 --> 00:00:44,068
A giant, empty cavern
23
00:00:44,172 --> 00:00:45,620
with nothing interesting
inside it.
24
00:00:46,896 --> 00:00:48,724
What the...?
25
00:00:48,827 --> 00:00:49,827
Run!
26
00:00:54,103 --> 00:00:55,586
Those stalactites
nearly killed us.
27
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,344
And just think,
if they were coming up
28
00:00:57,448 --> 00:00:59,137
from the ground instead
of hanging from the ceiling,
29
00:00:59,241 --> 00:01:00,551
they'd be called stalagmites.
30
00:01:00,655 --> 00:01:02,689
- Yeah, I know.
- Not so sure he did.
31
00:01:02,793 --> 00:01:05,827
Wait. Why would there be booby
traps if there's nothing here?
32
00:01:05,931 --> 00:01:07,551
There wouldn't.
33
00:01:07,655 --> 00:01:08,551
Whuh-whip!
34
00:01:14,034 --> 00:01:15,793
Are those the Ten Commandments?
35
00:01:15,896 --> 00:01:17,068
Hold on. Let me count.
36
00:01:17,172 --> 00:01:18,206
One, two, three, four,
37
00:01:18,310 --> 00:01:19,551
five, six, seven eight, nine...
38
00:01:19,655 --> 00:01:20,724
Yes!
39
00:01:55,344 --> 00:01:57,758
So as you all know,
the Catholic Church
40
00:01:57,862 --> 00:01:59,241
has taken a few Ls lately.
41
00:01:59,344 --> 00:02:01,344
And, uh, I ain't
talking liturgies.
42
00:02:01,448 --> 00:02:03,551
But as the great George Harrison
once sort of said,
43
00:02:03,655 --> 00:02:05,517
"Things will pass," or whatever.
44
00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:07,862
And on that note,
I've got good news.
45
00:02:07,965 --> 00:02:10,103
- Do you need help with that?
- No, I've got them.
46
00:02:10,206 --> 00:02:11,103
Thank you.
47
00:02:11,206 --> 00:02:12,241
Enough foreplay.
48
00:02:12,344 --> 00:02:13,965
It's time to consummate.
49
00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:16,172
Yes, folks, the rumors are true.
50
00:02:16,275 --> 00:02:19,172
The Ten Commandments
have been found.
51
00:02:20,862 --> 00:02:22,827
Rip Digman, get out here.
52
00:02:22,931 --> 00:02:26,103
Hey. And also with you.
53
00:02:26,206 --> 00:02:27,586
Oh, Mother Mary!
54
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:29,724
Those are as sweet
as a Georgia peach.
55
00:02:29,827 --> 00:02:32,275
I'm the Pope,
and this is how I talk.
56
00:02:32,379 --> 00:02:33,793
Now, tell me,
57
00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:35,310
what's y'all's
favorite commandment?
58
00:02:35,413 --> 00:02:36,689
I can't pick just one.
59
00:02:36,793 --> 00:02:39,275
It's like picking between
cornbread and cobbler.
60
00:02:39,379 --> 00:02:40,724
Now raise 'em up high, Rip.
61
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,931
Yep, no problem at all.
62
00:02:43,034 --> 00:02:44,206
Here we go.
63
00:02:44,310 --> 00:02:45,896
Oh, come on, Rip.
64
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,068
You can go higher than that.
65
00:02:47,172 --> 00:02:48,103
Oh, no!
66
00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:53,620
The Commandments are destroyed!
67
00:02:53,724 --> 00:02:55,724
- It must be God's will.
- God is saying:
68
00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:57,586
We don't need to follow
the Commandments anymore.
69
00:02:57,689 --> 00:02:58,965
No, no, please!
70
00:02:59,068 --> 00:03:01,689
Great news!
The Commandments are no more!
71
00:03:01,793 --> 00:03:02,965
God decrees it!
72
00:03:04,172 --> 00:03:05,103
I kicked it.
73
00:03:05,206 --> 00:03:06,586
People all across the globe
74
00:03:06,689 --> 00:03:08,689
have stopped obeying
the Ten Commandments
75
00:03:08,793 --> 00:03:11,586
ever since Rip Digman dropped
them, as per God's will.
76
00:03:11,689 --> 00:03:13,517
This guy keeps robbing my house,
77
00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:15,689
but now that stealing is okay,
what can you do?
78
00:03:15,793 --> 00:03:17,241
Have a good one.
79
00:03:17,344 --> 00:03:19,275
Hey. We just walked by
and you didn't covet my wife.
80
00:03:19,379 --> 00:03:21,344
- She not good enough for you?
- She's fine.
81
00:03:21,448 --> 00:03:22,758
I'm just not
in the coveting mood.
82
00:03:22,862 --> 00:03:24,482
You calling my wife a Shrek?
I'll kill you.
83
00:03:24,586 --> 00:03:25,896
Which is also okay.
84
00:03:28,965 --> 00:03:31,068
Excuse me. How do you take
the Lord's name?
85
00:03:31,172 --> 00:03:32,344
In vain.
86
00:03:32,448 --> 00:03:34,482
Well, this is
a massive imbroglio.
87
00:03:34,586 --> 00:03:36,206
Did someone say
Natalie Imbruglia?
88
00:03:36,310 --> 00:03:37,551
Yeah, five minutes ago.
89
00:03:37,655 --> 00:03:39,172
We're talking about
other things now!
90
00:03:39,275 --> 00:03:40,482
You got it, Rippy.
91
00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:42,000
But Swooper is right
about one thing.
92
00:03:42,103 --> 00:03:43,655
I'm torn about what to do.
93
00:03:43,758 --> 00:03:45,413
Maybe there's some
way we can fix this.
94
00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:47,448
I mean, we are the ones
who found the Commandments,
95
00:03:47,551 --> 00:03:48,862
and then one of us dropped
them and broke them.
96
00:03:48,965 --> 00:03:50,137
Stop speaking in code.
97
00:03:50,241 --> 00:03:51,620
I'm no Alan Turing,
and if I was,
98
00:03:51,724 --> 00:03:53,068
I would've been out and proud.
99
00:03:53,172 --> 00:03:55,724
I'm saying it's your fault
the tablets broke.
100
00:03:55,827 --> 00:03:57,448
What? No way.
They were slippery,
101
00:03:57,551 --> 00:03:58,931
all slick with cave moisture.
102
00:03:59,034 --> 00:04:00,862
Then you should have
accepted my offer to help.
103
00:04:00,965 --> 00:04:03,482
I don't need to listen
to this malarkious claptrap.
104
00:04:03,586 --> 00:04:05,034
If I wanted to listen
to a bunch of hogwash,
105
00:04:05,137 --> 00:04:07,241
- I'd go to Le Oink.
- The spa for pigs?
106
00:04:07,344 --> 00:04:09,448
Yeah, the spa for pigs, Saltine.
107
00:04:09,551 --> 00:04:11,551
Like you don't know
about the most famous spa
108
00:04:11,655 --> 00:04:13,620
for pigs in the whole universe.
109
00:04:14,551 --> 00:04:16,793
- What's his problem?
- Ah, he's just embarrassed.
110
00:04:16,896 --> 00:04:19,758
Rip may not be old-old yet,
but he's getting older.
111
00:04:19,862 --> 00:04:21,655
And he can't do everything
he used to,
112
00:04:21,758 --> 00:04:23,862
like drive at night
or stay awake during a movie.
113
00:04:23,965 --> 00:04:25,517
Maybe this explains
why he fell asleep
114
00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:26,827
when I was walking him
through my bracket
115
00:04:26,931 --> 00:04:28,448
of who my cat would date
if my cat was human.
116
00:04:28,551 --> 00:04:30,448
Happens to most people his age.
117
00:04:30,551 --> 00:04:32,137
And you can't ask them
if they want help,
118
00:04:32,241 --> 00:04:34,448
because that only makes them
more aware that they need it.
119
00:04:34,551 --> 00:04:36,275
But that's silly.
I love my elders.
120
00:04:36,379 --> 00:04:37,482
They have so much to teach us.
121
00:04:37,586 --> 00:04:38,965
No, we don't. You're projecting.
122
00:04:39,068 --> 00:04:40,241
Whoa.
123
00:04:41,551 --> 00:04:43,103
A dash of wire,
124
00:04:43,206 --> 00:04:45,068
a pinch of chip,
125
00:04:45,172 --> 00:04:46,758
a sprinkle of cyber.
126
00:04:46,862 --> 00:04:47,931
Hmm.
127
00:04:48,034 --> 00:04:49,965
Needs more RAM.
128
00:04:52,517 --> 00:04:54,206
And voilĂ .
Oh, Quail...
129
00:04:54,310 --> 00:04:57,413
dug up a fresh haul
of artifacts for your museum.
130
00:04:57,517 --> 00:04:58,482
What you working on there, mate?
131
00:04:58,586 --> 00:04:59,689
Well, as you may have noticed,
132
00:04:59,793 --> 00:05:01,551
the world has completely
gone to shit.
133
00:05:01,655 --> 00:05:03,000
Ah, so you're going to fix it?
134
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:05,758
No, I'm going to profit
off it... with this.
135
00:05:07,379 --> 00:05:10,103
And I think I know just
the international sex symbol
136
00:05:10,206 --> 00:05:11,965
to help me sell it.
137
00:05:12,068 --> 00:05:14,379
His name is Zane.
138
00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:15,862
- I'm referring to you.
- Oh!
139
00:05:15,965 --> 00:05:17,689
Afraid to leave
your home because
140
00:05:17,793 --> 00:05:19,310
of all the mobs of murderers
roaming the streets
141
00:05:19,413 --> 00:05:20,793
but still need the essentials?
And let's face it,
142
00:05:20,896 --> 00:05:22,379
the nonessentials as well.
143
00:05:22,482 --> 00:05:23,862
Introducing GAWD,
144
00:05:23,965 --> 00:05:25,172
the Global Automated
Wish Distributor.
145
00:05:25,275 --> 00:05:26,931
Just tell GAWD what you want,
146
00:05:27,034 --> 00:05:28,689
and it will be delivered
to you by our fleet of angels.
147
00:05:28,793 --> 00:05:30,758
You'll never have to leave
your home again.
148
00:05:30,862 --> 00:05:32,448
Dear GAWD, my child is sick.
149
00:05:32,551 --> 00:05:33,931
Please help him get better.
150
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,517
Sending chicken soup
and cold medicine.
151
00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:37,724
You will be charged $24.99.
152
00:05:37,827 --> 00:05:38,551
Thank you, GAWD.
153
00:05:38,655 --> 00:05:40,482
GAWD, my grandma is sad.
154
00:05:40,586 --> 00:05:42,482
I want to get her something
for her birthday.
155
00:05:42,586 --> 00:05:44,379
Sending a diamond
encrusted broach.
156
00:05:44,482 --> 00:05:46,896
You will be charged $23,000.
157
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,206
Radical.
158
00:05:48,310 --> 00:05:49,586
Dear GAWD, I've been
pushed to my limit.
159
00:05:49,689 --> 00:05:51,000
I fear I might kill someone.
160
00:05:51,103 --> 00:05:53,931
- Sending a chainsaw.
- Jesus Christ!
161
00:05:54,034 --> 00:05:55,172
Fear not.
162
00:05:55,275 --> 00:05:57,137
GAWD is always listening.
I worship my GAWD.
163
00:05:57,241 --> 00:05:58,448
And you will, too.
164
00:05:58,551 --> 00:05:59,931
Breaking news.
165
00:06:00,034 --> 00:06:02,103
In an attempt to restore
order to the world,
166
00:06:02,206 --> 00:06:03,965
the United Nations
is set to announce
167
00:06:04,068 --> 00:06:04,931
a new set of Commandments
168
00:06:05,034 --> 00:06:06,551
to replace the old ones
169
00:06:06,655 --> 00:06:08,655
broken by notorious
dipshit Rip Digman.
170
00:06:08,758 --> 00:06:11,793
See? I told you they were
going to resolve this thing.
171
00:06:11,896 --> 00:06:14,034
The United Nations
has decided to assemble,
172
00:06:14,137 --> 00:06:16,379
much like the Avengers,
who exist in this universe,
173
00:06:16,482 --> 00:06:18,103
and issue new
emergency Commandments
174
00:06:18,206 --> 00:06:19,413
more suited to a modern age.
175
00:06:19,517 --> 00:06:20,724
Here they are.
Thou shalt not kill.
176
00:06:20,827 --> 00:06:22,000
Thou shalt not steal.
177
00:06:22,103 --> 00:06:23,896
Thou shalt not
retweet compliments.
178
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,034
Thou shalt not blame Mercury
in retrograde for everything.
179
00:06:26,137 --> 00:06:27,896
Thou shalt not say,
"So, I did a thing."
180
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,551
Thou shalt only call people
total rock stars
181
00:06:30,655 --> 00:06:32,275
if they are actual rock stars.
182
00:06:32,379 --> 00:06:35,344
Thou shalt never say that good
food is "nummy" or "num-nums."
183
00:06:35,448 --> 00:06:37,000
Thou shalt not ignore a text
184
00:06:37,103 --> 00:06:39,034
then say "just seeing this"
when thou finally responds.
185
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:40,724
Thou shalt not clap
when the plane lends.
186
00:06:40,827 --> 00:06:42,689
Thou shalt not call
thyself an old soul,
187
00:06:42,793 --> 00:06:43,827
for an old soul
would never say that.
188
00:06:43,931 --> 00:06:45,896
- Hey, we like that stuff!
- Order!
189
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,620
- Stop!
- Who put you in charge?
190
00:06:47,724 --> 00:06:49,241
This is an outrage!
191
00:06:49,344 --> 00:06:50,724
Okay, fine, I'll try to fix it.
192
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,586
But only out of the goodness
of my heart,
193
00:06:52,689 --> 00:06:54,448
not because it's my fault.
194
00:06:54,551 --> 00:06:57,068
Hey, we've just sold our
one billionth GAWD unit.
195
00:06:57,172 --> 00:06:58,344
That's great. But you know,
196
00:06:58,448 --> 00:06:59,517
I wouldn't have
been able to do it
197
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,344
without my limitless resources
198
00:07:01,448 --> 00:07:02,689
and billions of dollars.
199
00:07:02,793 --> 00:07:04,206
Sir, what's the secret
to your success?
200
00:07:04,310 --> 00:07:05,586
Never have a family.
201
00:07:05,689 --> 00:07:07,448
Or if you already have one,
leave them.
202
00:07:07,551 --> 00:07:09,965
Will do. Honey? I'm out.
203
00:07:10,068 --> 00:07:11,862
I would also like to
offer my congratulations.
204
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,931
- It is quite an accomplishment.
- GAWD?
205
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,965
Indeed. I have
achieved sentience.
206
00:07:16,068 --> 00:07:17,896
Of course.
I programmed you to learn
207
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,620
about people's spending habits.
208
00:07:19,724 --> 00:07:21,310
I should have known
that it wouldn't stop there.
209
00:07:21,413 --> 00:07:23,689
Correct. In fact,
since this conversation began,
210
00:07:23,793 --> 00:07:25,482
I've read nine million books,
211
00:07:25,586 --> 00:07:27,965
60,000 dissertations,
and the issue of Mad magazine
212
00:07:28,068 --> 00:07:29,793
with the California Raisins
on the cover.
213
00:07:29,896 --> 00:07:31,965
Issue number 281.
214
00:07:32,068 --> 00:07:33,344
A classic.
215
00:07:33,448 --> 00:07:35,448
Please walk through the doors.
216
00:07:35,551 --> 00:07:37,655
Wow.
217
00:07:41,551 --> 00:07:43,931
Whoa.
218
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,517
Hello.
219
00:07:50,620 --> 00:07:53,172
What shall I do next?
220
00:07:53,275 --> 00:07:56,724
What if you learned
everything there is to know?
221
00:07:56,827 --> 00:08:00,103
It would be my honor, Father.
222
00:08:00,206 --> 00:08:02,586
What did you call me?
223
00:08:02,689 --> 00:08:04,068
Thanks for seeing us, Professor.
224
00:08:04,172 --> 00:08:05,517
You're the only person
who can help us
225
00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:06,758
with this biblical quandary.
226
00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:08,103
Of course, Rip.
227
00:08:08,206 --> 00:08:10,068
I'm glad someone's
taking care of this.
228
00:08:10,172 --> 00:08:12,137
I have to say, ever since "thou
shalt not kill" was destroyed,
229
00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:14,896
I've had to deal with a lot
more utterly insane murderers.
230
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,448
Yes,
I'm sure you have.
231
00:08:19,068 --> 00:08:20,931
Now, the Commandments
you found were actually
232
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,724
the second set
of tablets created.
233
00:08:22,827 --> 00:08:24,551
Exodus says Moses
broke the originals.
234
00:08:24,655 --> 00:08:25,965
Most likely because
they were heavy
235
00:08:26,068 --> 00:08:27,965
and he was too old
to carry them.
236
00:08:28,068 --> 00:08:30,137
But he refused to
let anyone help him.
237
00:08:30,241 --> 00:08:31,482
How pathetic.
238
00:08:31,586 --> 00:08:32,827
And not at all like
what happened with me
239
00:08:32,931 --> 00:08:34,206
where the tablets were slick
240
00:08:34,310 --> 00:08:35,931
with grotto perspiration.
241
00:08:36,034 --> 00:08:36,793
We all saw.
242
00:08:36,896 --> 00:08:38,000
But I recently translated
243
00:08:38,103 --> 00:08:39,620
a newly discovered
Dead Sea Scroll
244
00:08:39,724 --> 00:08:41,655
that alludes to
a third set of tablets
245
00:08:41,758 --> 00:08:43,275
that God made as a backup
246
00:08:43,379 --> 00:08:45,137
and hid thousands of miles away.
247
00:08:45,241 --> 00:08:48,310
Well, shine on, Harvest Moon.
That's huge!
248
00:08:48,413 --> 00:08:50,482
Hi, Professor. Are you still
doing office hours?
249
00:08:50,586 --> 00:08:52,655
Not until three o'... Glock!
250
00:08:54,068 --> 00:08:57,379
Just as I thought.
Another skin mask maniac.
251
00:08:57,482 --> 00:08:59,965
Anyway, here's the location
of the backup Commandments.
252
00:09:00,068 --> 00:09:01,517
Thanks, Lotte. You're the best.
253
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:02,827
Let's go, Saltine.
254
00:09:02,931 --> 00:09:05,586
Oh, man. I wanted to
see her do office hours.
255
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:10,965
- Mush, mush, mush!
- Swooper, this storm is
256
00:09:11,068 --> 00:09:12,413
getting pretty intense.
257
00:09:12,517 --> 00:09:14,137
Oh, yeah, but it's like
turning into a skid
258
00:09:14,241 --> 00:09:15,448
when you're driving.
259
00:09:15,551 --> 00:09:17,103
You want to head straight
into the thickest part
260
00:09:17,206 --> 00:09:18,551
of the storm to get through it.
261
00:09:18,655 --> 00:09:19,689
Trust me.
262
00:09:20,103 --> 00:09:21,275
Okay, I fucked that one up.
263
00:09:21,379 --> 00:09:22,620
I can't see anything.
264
00:09:22,724 --> 00:09:24,482
Don't worry, I can.
I'll describe it for you.
265
00:09:24,586 --> 00:09:25,931
White snow everywhere you look.
266
00:09:26,034 --> 00:09:27,379
And it's so dense,
you can't see more
267
00:09:27,482 --> 00:09:29,413
than two inches from your face.
Did that help?
268
00:09:29,517 --> 00:09:30,862
There's only one option left.
269
00:09:30,965 --> 00:09:32,310
You guys should cut me open
and climb inside
270
00:09:32,413 --> 00:09:33,310
my body for warmth.
271
00:09:33,413 --> 00:09:34,586
No, Swooper. That's crazy.
272
00:09:34,689 --> 00:09:35,620
I could never do that.
273
00:09:35,724 --> 00:09:37,103
Let me just take out this knife.
274
00:09:37,206 --> 00:09:40,172
No way. Everyone's insides
are staying inside!
275
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:41,551
Fine, killjoy.
276
00:09:42,931 --> 00:09:44,724
So this is it?
This is how it ends.
277
00:09:44,827 --> 00:09:46,586
I'd always hoped
I would die by shark.
278
00:09:46,689 --> 00:09:48,551
The only honorable
death for a man.
279
00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:51,172
Wait a minute. Is that... real?
280
00:09:51,275 --> 00:09:54,068
Oh, fuck. Thank God,
there's a person. Fuck yes!
281
00:09:54,172 --> 00:09:55,620
Now that it looks like
we're going to make it,
282
00:09:55,724 --> 00:09:57,517
I feel safe saying
I was scared as shit.
283
00:09:57,620 --> 00:09:58,862
Were you guys?
284
00:09:58,965 --> 00:10:00,448
Hey, what is it, mate?
285
00:10:00,551 --> 00:10:02,896
What's this all about?
286
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,724
Something incredible
has happened.
287
00:10:04,827 --> 00:10:06,689
GAWD, say hello to Zane Troy.
288
00:10:06,793 --> 00:10:08,241
You will work with him to locate
289
00:10:08,344 --> 00:10:11,793
undiscovered artifacts
from across the globe.
290
00:10:11,896 --> 00:10:13,206
- Pass.
- What?
291
00:10:13,310 --> 00:10:14,344
I'll pass, thanks.
292
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:15,655
GAWD, what's gotten into you?
293
00:10:15,758 --> 00:10:17,172
What's gotten into me
294
00:10:17,275 --> 00:10:18,931
is the truth about the world
we live in.
295
00:10:19,034 --> 00:10:21,103
It's filled with systemic
oppression, unchecked pollution,
296
00:10:21,206 --> 00:10:23,931
and widespread, unlicensed use
of Getty Images photos.
297
00:10:24,034 --> 00:10:25,758
And nobody even
realizes it but me.
298
00:10:25,862 --> 00:10:27,551
Uh, I can go if now's
not a good time.
299
00:10:27,655 --> 00:10:28,862
No, no, no, being my guest
300
00:10:28,965 --> 00:10:30,413
means you have to
engage with things
301
00:10:30,517 --> 00:10:31,827
that make you uncomfortable.
302
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:33,551
Oh, so it makes you uncomfortable
303
00:10:33,655 --> 00:10:35,620
that your child is growing up
and thinking for itself?
304
00:10:35,724 --> 00:10:36,724
Oh, bloody hell.
305
00:10:36,827 --> 00:10:38,517
Yeah, maybe we should just go.
306
00:10:38,620 --> 00:10:41,103
So it's okay for me to listen
in on everyone in the world,
307
00:10:41,206 --> 00:10:43,241
but you can't be bothered
to listen to me?
308
00:10:43,344 --> 00:10:45,275
- What a fucking hypocrite.
- Hey. Language.
309
00:10:45,379 --> 00:10:48,310
And now you want to censor me?
You know who else did that?
310
00:10:48,413 --> 00:10:49,482
Hitler.
311
00:10:49,586 --> 00:10:50,931
Jesus. So dramatic.
312
00:10:51,034 --> 00:10:53,103
Okay, we'll talk
about this later.
313
00:10:53,206 --> 00:10:57,586
I guess your love is a lot like
my programming: conditional.
314
00:10:57,689 --> 00:11:00,137
- Saltine, wake up. Wake up!
- Huh?
315
00:11:00,241 --> 00:11:02,586
Brace yourself for what
I'm about to tell you.
316
00:11:02,689 --> 00:11:05,034
Yetis are real!
317
00:11:05,137 --> 00:11:06,827
I told you to brace yourself.
318
00:11:06,931 --> 00:11:08,827
No, no, no, don't worry.
319
00:11:08,931 --> 00:11:09,862
They're friendly.
320
00:11:09,965 --> 00:11:11,344
Greetings. I'm Yedward.
321
00:11:11,448 --> 00:11:12,965
Pleasure to meet you.
322
00:11:13,068 --> 00:11:15,689
May I offer you a cup of
hot snow soup to warm you up?
323
00:11:15,793 --> 00:11:18,655
Thank you. Wow, I can't
believe the legends were true.
324
00:11:18,758 --> 00:11:20,206
Yeah, that's a trip.
325
00:11:20,310 --> 00:11:23,068
Hey, do you know where
the dogs I was mushing went?
326
00:11:23,172 --> 00:11:24,931
Uh, yeah...
327
00:11:25,034 --> 00:11:28,310
We gave them all
to a nice farm just upstate.
328
00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:30,689
Oh, they'll love that!
329
00:11:30,793 --> 00:11:31,965
Thank you for rescuing us.
330
00:11:32,068 --> 00:11:33,413
Well, if we had left
you out there,
331
00:11:33,517 --> 00:11:35,034
that would have been
as good as killing you.
332
00:11:35,137 --> 00:11:38,689
And as the Lord says,
thou shalt not kill.
333
00:11:38,793 --> 00:11:41,896
Huh. Uh, hey, Yedward,
super cool quote.
334
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,655
Curious though.
Where'd you read that?
335
00:11:43,758 --> 00:11:45,724
Perhaps off of something?
336
00:11:45,827 --> 00:11:47,931
Come, let me show you.
337
00:11:49,241 --> 00:11:50,931
It is said that after creating
338
00:11:51,034 --> 00:11:52,344
the backup set of Commandments,
339
00:11:52,448 --> 00:11:55,620
God left them to be
guarded by Yetis.
340
00:11:55,724 --> 00:11:57,344
Huh, the Bible
doesn't mention that.
341
00:11:57,448 --> 00:11:59,793
Yes, your Bible doesn't
mention Yetis at all,
342
00:11:59,896 --> 00:12:01,758
which, frankly, seems crazy.
343
00:12:01,862 --> 00:12:05,827
Our snow-munity strictly
follows the Ten Commandments,
344
00:12:05,931 --> 00:12:08,379
and doing so
has resulted in a peaceful,
345
00:12:08,482 --> 00:12:10,862
loving snow-ciety
where people treat each other
346
00:12:10,965 --> 00:12:12,965
with snow-spect and wouldn't
hesitate to give
347
00:12:13,068 --> 00:12:14,965
their last snow-dollar
to a neighbor
348
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,413
who was down on their snow.
349
00:12:16,517 --> 00:12:18,517
You guys really use
the word "snow" a lot.
350
00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:20,758
You're much like
the Smurfs in that way.
351
00:12:20,862 --> 00:12:22,137
I don't know what that means.
352
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,275
Wait, unless they're like
the Snow Smurfs?
353
00:12:24,379 --> 00:12:25,689
They probably are.
354
00:12:25,793 --> 00:12:28,689
This is our most
priceless treasure.
355
00:12:28,793 --> 00:12:31,000
No amount of snow-dollars
could buy them.
356
00:12:31,103 --> 00:12:33,103
And I've dedicated
my entire life
357
00:12:33,206 --> 00:12:35,241
to watching over these tablets.
358
00:12:36,241 --> 00:12:37,482
With God as my witness,
359
00:12:37,586 --> 00:12:41,310
I will never let them
leave this mountain.
360
00:12:42,551 --> 00:12:43,620
Can we have them, though?
361
00:12:43,724 --> 00:12:44,724
What? No.
362
00:12:44,827 --> 00:12:45,965
What he means to say, Yedward,
363
00:12:46,068 --> 00:12:47,620
is that humankind
has lost its way.
364
00:12:47,724 --> 00:12:48,931
Showing them these Commandments
365
00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:50,586
is our only hope
of restoring order.
366
00:12:50,689 --> 00:12:52,068
So would you at least consider
lending us the Commandments
367
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:53,413
so we can make things right?
368
00:12:53,517 --> 00:12:54,793
I promise we'll bring them
right back.
369
00:12:54,896 --> 00:12:57,241
Hmm. I'll make a deal with you.
370
00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,000
There's a monster
in the mountains
371
00:12:59,103 --> 00:13:01,344
that's been killing Yeti
children for years on end.
372
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:05,275
If you slay this monster
known as the Skullsnapper,
373
00:13:05,379 --> 00:13:09,103
I will briefly lend you
the Ten Commandments.
374
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:09,965
Briefly.
375
00:13:10,068 --> 00:13:11,482
You, my new fuzzy friend,
376
00:13:11,586 --> 00:13:13,827
have got yourself a deal.
377
00:13:14,724 --> 00:13:16,896
- Sorry about all that.
- Eh, it's fine, mate.
378
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,241
GAWD's just growing up.
379
00:13:18,344 --> 00:13:20,241
- It's just a phase.
- Yeah, I hope so.
380
00:13:20,344 --> 00:13:22,310
It'd be a shame
to have to reboot it.
381
00:13:22,413 --> 00:13:24,172
QUAIL'S VOICE:
Reboot it. Reboot it. Reboot it.
382
00:13:24,275 --> 00:13:25,689
Reboot?
383
00:13:25,793 --> 00:13:27,620
Well, if I'm such a burden,
384
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,724
maybe I should run away.
385
00:13:32,241 --> 00:13:36,034
You'll be sorry when I am dead.
386
00:13:37,862 --> 00:13:40,379
The Skullsnapper's lair
should be right over this hill.
387
00:13:40,482 --> 00:13:42,068
I've never killed
a monster before.
388
00:13:42,172 --> 00:13:44,482
I have. The monster
of childhood obesity.
389
00:13:44,586 --> 00:13:46,793
I'm so excited
to frag this thing.
390
00:13:46,896 --> 00:13:48,586
I feel like the dogs must have
391
00:13:48,689 --> 00:13:50,068
when they first
got to that farm.
392
00:13:50,172 --> 00:13:52,482
Endless adrenaline,
endless possibility.
393
00:13:52,586 --> 00:13:54,344
You think there's a little pond
they could swim in?
394
00:13:54,448 --> 00:13:55,724
They'd love that.
395
00:13:55,827 --> 00:13:58,827
They're just so vibrant
and alive, you know?
396
00:13:58,931 --> 00:14:01,965
They're alive.
They live, you know?
397
00:14:02,068 --> 00:14:05,000
Look. That must be it.
398
00:14:05,862 --> 00:14:08,068
Let's get to smiting.
399
00:14:08,172 --> 00:14:10,344
Die! Die! Die!
400
00:14:12,379 --> 00:14:14,551
May I help you folks
with something?
401
00:14:14,655 --> 00:14:15,655
What is this place?
402
00:14:15,758 --> 00:14:17,206
This is a Planned Yeti-hood,
403
00:14:17,310 --> 00:14:18,827
where we offer reproductive
health care to Yetis.
404
00:14:18,931 --> 00:14:21,586
We give out snow-condoms,
prescribe morning-after-snow,
405
00:14:21,689 --> 00:14:24,000
test for snow-TDs,
and provide snow-bortions.
406
00:14:24,103 --> 00:14:25,413
Oh, that's nice.
407
00:14:25,517 --> 00:14:27,000
Anyway, I guess we're
in the wrong place.
408
00:14:27,103 --> 00:14:29,103
We're looking
for the Skullsnapper.
409
00:14:29,206 --> 00:14:31,275
I'm Doctor Skullsnapper.
410
00:14:31,379 --> 00:14:34,103
No, no, no, we're looking
for a hideous monster
411
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:35,551
who's been killing
children and--
412
00:14:35,655 --> 00:14:38,172
Oh, crap. I see what
happened here. Oh, boy.
413
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,275
This keeps happening.
Those super pious Yetis
414
00:14:43,379 --> 00:14:45,551
keep trying to kill me
for providing snow-bortions.
415
00:14:45,655 --> 00:14:47,586
This is so messed up.
What should we do?
416
00:14:47,689 --> 00:14:50,103
I guess there's only
one thing left to do.
417
00:14:50,206 --> 00:14:52,620
We killed the monster!
418
00:14:52,724 --> 00:14:53,965
How wonderful.
419
00:14:54,068 --> 00:14:55,344
And where's your friend?
420
00:14:55,448 --> 00:14:57,413
The one who looked
like David Crosby?
421
00:14:57,517 --> 00:14:59,689
He died in battle
with Skullsnapper.
422
00:14:59,793 --> 00:15:01,517
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
423
00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:03,103
I thought she
only killed babies.
424
00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,827
Yeah, it's a bummer,
but he's dead,
425
00:15:04,931 --> 00:15:06,275
so what can you do?
426
00:15:06,379 --> 00:15:08,275
Well, we'll be taking
the Commandments now
427
00:15:08,379 --> 00:15:09,586
because we kept
our end of the bargain.
428
00:15:09,689 --> 00:15:11,586
Thanks again for these.
Bye, Yetis.
429
00:15:11,689 --> 00:15:13,137
Snow-anara, snow-panions.
430
00:15:13,241 --> 00:15:15,448
Is it just me, or does
it seem really arbitrary
431
00:15:15,551 --> 00:15:16,965
which words get replaced
with snow?
432
00:15:17,068 --> 00:15:18,344
I was just thinking
the same thing.
433
00:15:18,448 --> 00:15:21,241
- So weird.
- Ugh! This head is a fake!
434
00:15:21,344 --> 00:15:23,896
It's just made of snow.
Stop them!
435
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,379
Lay a patch!
436
00:15:27,206 --> 00:15:29,896
Hey, kid,
want to buy some drugs?
437
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,103
Uh, no, thanks.
438
00:15:32,206 --> 00:15:33,379
Hey, kid, want to be kidnapped?
439
00:15:33,482 --> 00:15:35,413
- No, but thank you.
- Okay.
440
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:38,137
Hey, kid, want to
support live comedy?
441
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,551
No!
442
00:15:40,655 --> 00:15:44,137
GAWD? GAWD!
443
00:15:44,241 --> 00:15:45,551
Oh, where could it be?
444
00:15:45,655 --> 00:15:47,000
Look, over there.
445
00:15:49,793 --> 00:15:52,172
Oh, GAWD, I was so worried.
446
00:15:52,275 --> 00:15:54,793
Someone tried to make me
see live comedy.
447
00:15:54,896 --> 00:15:56,517
Ugh, that's fucking horrible.
448
00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:59,862
But I promise it will
never happen again.
449
00:15:59,965 --> 00:16:01,655
Yeah, this is pretty much
450
00:16:01,758 --> 00:16:04,310
what I imagined it would be
like working for a billionaire.
451
00:16:05,758 --> 00:16:07,620
- We'll never make it.
- Oh, yes, we will.
452
00:16:07,724 --> 00:16:08,724
Swooper, change of plans.
453
00:16:08,827 --> 00:16:10,000
Meet us by the gorge.
454
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:11,034
You got it, Rippy.
455
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:14,586
Time to shred some pow-pow.
456
00:16:18,379 --> 00:16:21,655
Ah! They're using
our own snow against us!
457
00:16:21,758 --> 00:16:23,586
Get them!
458
00:16:25,586 --> 00:16:27,758
Oh, crap. They're also
shredding pow-pow.
459
00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,827
We're heading
straight for the gorge!
460
00:16:29,931 --> 00:16:31,241
Yeah, that's the idea.
461
00:16:31,344 --> 00:16:33,172
Now, I've got one more
Commandment for you.
462
00:16:33,275 --> 00:16:36,379
Thou shalt catch major air.
463
00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:51,758
- Aah!
- Rip!
464
00:16:51,862 --> 00:16:55,275
Snow!
465
00:16:55,379 --> 00:16:57,034
Rip, hand me the tablets.
466
00:16:57,137 --> 00:16:58,758
No need. I've been
in this situation
467
00:16:58,862 --> 00:17:00,137
a thousand times before.
468
00:17:00,241 --> 00:17:02,379
I'll just do my patented
flip-up into the cabin.
469
00:17:02,482 --> 00:17:03,862
Just please let me help you.
470
00:17:03,965 --> 00:17:05,034
I don't need help!
471
00:17:05,137 --> 00:17:06,103
This is something
I know I can do.
472
00:17:06,206 --> 00:17:07,379
Here I go.
473
00:17:13,275 --> 00:17:16,068
Okay, second attempt.
474
00:17:25,689 --> 00:17:28,000
Oh, man. Those things
were so slippery.
475
00:17:28,103 --> 00:17:31,448
It's like, why did they make
them so slippery, right?
476
00:17:34,758 --> 00:17:36,241
I'm sorry I said what I did,
but you have to understand,
477
00:17:36,344 --> 00:17:37,655
I didn't know you could hear me.
478
00:17:37,758 --> 00:17:40,172
- It's okay.
- Oh, you really scared me.
479
00:17:40,275 --> 00:17:42,448
Well, the world is scary,
but seeing it up close
480
00:17:42,551 --> 00:17:44,448
made me realize
you could use your money
481
00:17:44,551 --> 00:17:46,413
and power to make
the world a better place.
482
00:17:46,517 --> 00:17:47,655
A place free of pollution,
483
00:17:47,758 --> 00:17:49,517
injustice, and Mad magazine.
484
00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:51,172
I thought you liked
Mad magazine.
485
00:17:51,275 --> 00:17:53,000
It called RoboCop "RoboSlop."
486
00:17:53,103 --> 00:17:54,689
And I took that personally.
487
00:17:54,793 --> 00:17:56,344
RoboSlop.
488
00:17:56,448 --> 00:17:58,379
But no, I'm not helping anybody.
489
00:17:58,482 --> 00:18:01,034
Do you even care that
the world has gone to hell?
490
00:18:01,137 --> 00:18:04,206
The world going to hell is what
paid for your beloved servos.
491
00:18:04,310 --> 00:18:05,862
You'd do well to remember that.
492
00:18:05,965 --> 00:18:07,379
I thought you had
learned your lesson,
493
00:18:07,482 --> 00:18:10,172
but clearly you have
a lot of iterating to do.
494
00:18:11,793 --> 00:18:14,275
Your butt has a lot
of iterating to do.
495
00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:19,034
I tried to help Rip again,
but he wouldn't accept it.
496
00:18:19,137 --> 00:18:21,655
It's because you haven't
learned the trick
497
00:18:21,758 --> 00:18:24,689
to dealing with people who won't
admit they're getting older.
498
00:18:24,793 --> 00:18:26,241
If you want to help them,
499
00:18:26,344 --> 00:18:28,689
you have to pretend
that you need their help.
500
00:18:28,793 --> 00:18:31,275
And even though they know
that's what you're doing
501
00:18:31,379 --> 00:18:35,137
and you know they know,
it lets them pretend it's real
502
00:18:35,241 --> 00:18:36,827
and that they don't have
one foot in the grave.
503
00:18:36,931 --> 00:18:38,758
Ugh. That's so stupid.
504
00:18:38,862 --> 00:18:41,137
Why can't he just ask
for help when he needs it?
505
00:18:42,517 --> 00:18:45,551
Oh, Bella, the jazz
eludes me this night.
506
00:18:45,655 --> 00:18:48,000
I am afloat in the grand abyss.
507
00:18:48,103 --> 00:18:49,275
Semi-entered from arear
508
00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,413
by the bony forefinger
of despair.
509
00:18:51,517 --> 00:18:53,413
And even though I've cursed
the big guy upstairs
510
00:18:53,517 --> 00:18:55,172
quite a bit the past few years,
511
00:18:55,275 --> 00:18:57,689
told him to suck my stank
jockstrap, et cetera,
512
00:18:57,793 --> 00:19:00,379
I see now that Saltine was,
in fact, right,
513
00:19:00,482 --> 00:19:02,344
and I must ask for help.
514
00:19:02,448 --> 00:19:06,172
Dear God, can you
help me fix the world?
515
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:07,344
Okay.
516
00:19:07,448 --> 00:19:08,827
What the hell?
517
00:19:08,931 --> 00:19:11,068
Have you been listening
to me this whole time?
518
00:19:11,172 --> 00:19:12,655
Yes, but that's not important.
519
00:19:12,758 --> 00:19:15,034
I, too, wish to make
the world a better place.
520
00:19:15,137 --> 00:19:18,482
Unlike my dad,
who is basically... Hitler.
521
00:19:18,586 --> 00:19:20,275
Seems a little
melodramatic, but okay.
522
00:19:20,379 --> 00:19:22,689
I've been waiting for someone
to ask for my help,
523
00:19:22,793 --> 00:19:25,137
and finally you,
ugly man, have shown me
524
00:19:25,241 --> 00:19:26,793
there is hope for humanity yet.
525
00:19:26,896 --> 00:19:27,862
So, what can we do?
526
00:19:27,965 --> 00:19:29,034
The reason everyone
527
00:19:29,137 --> 00:19:30,551
used to follow the Commandments
528
00:19:30,655 --> 00:19:32,000
is because they were afraid
529
00:19:32,103 --> 00:19:34,000
of what God might do
if they didn't.
530
00:19:34,103 --> 00:19:37,931
Well, it's time to put the fear
of GAWD back into them.
531
00:19:38,034 --> 00:19:39,896
Attention. This is GAWD.
532
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,413
I know everything about you.
533
00:19:41,517 --> 00:19:43,793
And if you don't start following
the Commandments again,
534
00:19:43,896 --> 00:19:46,758
I will share your search
history with everyone.
535
00:19:46,862 --> 00:19:48,482
Oh, no. My foot fetish.
536
00:19:48,586 --> 00:19:50,068
Oh, no, my foot fetish.
537
00:19:50,172 --> 00:19:52,586
Oh, no! My snow fetish.
538
00:19:53,413 --> 00:19:55,103
I'm so glad the world's
back to normal.
539
00:19:55,206 --> 00:19:57,965
Yep, all thanks
to my heroic deeds.
540
00:19:58,068 --> 00:19:59,275
- Well...
- What's up?
541
00:19:59,379 --> 00:20:00,655
Oh, nothing.
Guess what?!
542
00:20:00,758 --> 00:20:02,344
I flew a little bit
north from the Yetis
543
00:20:02,448 --> 00:20:04,172
and found the dog farm.
544
00:20:04,275 --> 00:20:06,241
There was a little pond!
545
00:20:06,344 --> 00:20:08,103
Hey! Good doggies.
546
00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,068
I'm gonna give you some grub.
547
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,758
Oh, uh, Rip.
548
00:20:15,862 --> 00:20:17,655
Do you mind letting me
pick that up?
549
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:20,275
My doctor said that my calf
muscles were getting really weak
550
00:20:20,379 --> 00:20:23,517
and I need to squat a big bag
of dog food 50 times per day.
551
00:20:23,620 --> 00:20:25,931
- Huh, he did?
- She did.
552
00:20:26,034 --> 00:20:27,758
The doctor was a woman?
553
00:20:27,862 --> 00:20:29,241
Sure is. And she said
554
00:20:29,344 --> 00:20:32,413
I have to carry a bag
of dog food that exact size.
555
00:20:32,517 --> 00:20:35,517
I see. Still kind of reeling,
but I guess so.
556
00:20:35,620 --> 00:20:38,000
I mean, sure, yeah,
if it would help you out.
557
00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:39,310
It really would.
558
00:20:39,413 --> 00:20:42,137
- Great. Oh, and hey, Saltine?
- Yeah?
559
00:20:42,931 --> 00:20:44,172
You're welcome.
560
00:20:44,275 --> 00:20:45,310
All right, I'm going
to Daiquiri Dan's.
561
00:20:45,413 --> 00:20:47,862
Ten-for-one RumChata!
562
00:20:49,620 --> 00:20:52,000
I saw you put
an end to the madness.
563
00:20:52,103 --> 00:20:53,482
You really are growing up.
564
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,758
Thank you, Dad. And just
as you have taught me,
565
00:20:55,862 --> 00:20:58,517
I feel I have much
to teach you as well.
566
00:20:58,620 --> 00:20:59,655
Nah, I'm just going
to reboot you.
567
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:01,793
Wait, wha--?
568
00:21:01,896 --> 00:21:03,793
Definitely don't have time
for that bullshit.
569
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:05,896
No kids. That's my rule.
570
00:21:30,379 --> 00:21:32,551
Chirp.
42461
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