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1
00:00:07,724 --> 00:00:09,310
Iguana jerky?
2
00:00:09,413 --> 00:00:10,724
- No, thanks.
- You sure?
3
00:00:10,827 --> 00:00:12,000
It's a rare
4
00:00:12,103 --> 00:00:13,448
- and cantankerous delicacy.
- I'm good.
5
00:00:13,551 --> 00:00:14,620
Well, I got plenty
of different varieties
6
00:00:14,724 --> 00:00:16,068
in my billfold, if that's what
7
00:00:16,172 --> 00:00:17,310
floats your apple. Let's see.
8
00:00:17,413 --> 00:00:19,482
Ostrich, cicada,
I got dolphin,
9
00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:21,448
albino dolphin, porpoise,
10
00:00:21,551 --> 00:00:24,103
albino porpoise,
tarantula, Bunnicula,
11
00:00:24,206 --> 00:00:26,413
- fuckin' emu.
- I'm fine, thank you.
12
00:00:26,517 --> 00:00:28,034
Suit yourself, Saltine.
More for me.
13
00:00:29,620 --> 00:00:31,620
Oop, that one's not
cured all the way through.
14
00:00:31,724 --> 00:00:33,413
That's good luck, though.
15
00:00:33,517 --> 00:00:35,137
And now back to this
week's Arky Rankings.
16
00:00:35,241 --> 00:00:36,275
Ooh, turn it up.
17
00:00:36,379 --> 00:00:38,482
Coming in at number one:
Zane Troy,
18
00:00:38,586 --> 00:00:39,965
fresh off his triumphant hire
19
00:00:40,068 --> 00:00:41,241
by Quail Eegan.
20
00:00:41,344 --> 00:00:42,620
I don't have a son,
but if I did,
21
00:00:42,724 --> 00:00:44,724
I'd throw him away
and make Zane my son.
22
00:00:44,827 --> 00:00:47,310
And I would go along with that,
no matter the emotional fallout.
23
00:00:47,413 --> 00:00:49,413
One person not appearing
on the Arky Rankings:
24
00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:51,413
Rip Digman. Just thought
I'd mention that.
25
00:00:51,517 --> 00:00:52,758
Moving on to our next story:
26
00:00:52,862 --> 00:00:53,931
Santa Claus has announced
27
00:00:54,034 --> 00:00:55,275
that he will be participating
28
00:00:55,379 --> 00:00:56,758
in No Nut November.
29
00:00:56,862 --> 00:00:58,724
Well, pickle shit.
30
00:00:58,827 --> 00:01:00,551
Oh, don't worry, Rip,
he'll blow a load in December.
31
00:01:00,655 --> 00:01:02,689
Not that, the Arky Rankings.
32
00:01:02,793 --> 00:01:04,310
12 years ago, I was number one,
33
00:01:04,413 --> 00:01:05,689
and now I can't even crack 'em.
34
00:01:05,793 --> 00:01:07,482
You know, you'll never
make the rankings
35
00:01:07,586 --> 00:01:09,586
if you keep passing on
every job that comes in.
36
00:01:09,689 --> 00:01:10,965
Well, the only
job offers I'm getting
37
00:01:11,068 --> 00:01:12,965
are from little
rinky-dink museums.
38
00:01:13,068 --> 00:01:14,620
New job offer just came in, Rip.
39
00:01:14,724 --> 00:01:16,793
Let me guess,
some rinky-dink museum?
40
00:01:16,896 --> 00:01:19,551
Yeah, it's rinky and,
from what I can tell,
41
00:01:19,655 --> 00:01:21,310
dinky, too. You want me to pass?
42
00:01:21,413 --> 00:01:22,724
Rip, before you
say no, just listen:
43
00:01:22,827 --> 00:01:24,655
I have formulated
a five-point plan
44
00:01:24,758 --> 00:01:26,172
to get you back
atop the rankings,
45
00:01:26,275 --> 00:01:28,344
and step number one
is to successfully complete
46
00:01:28,448 --> 00:01:29,448
a small-time job.
47
00:01:29,551 --> 00:01:30,551
Well, what are the other steps?
48
00:01:30,655 --> 00:01:31,689
I didn't want to spoil it,
49
00:01:31,793 --> 00:01:33,413
but step four is a makeover.
50
00:01:33,517 --> 00:01:34,724
Well, I like that.
51
00:01:34,827 --> 00:01:36,689
Of course you do.
My plan will work.
52
00:01:36,793 --> 00:01:37,827
Just trust me.
53
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:38,862
Trust me.
54
00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:40,137
You won't regret hiring me
55
00:01:40,241 --> 00:01:41,724
as your assistant. Trust me.
56
00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:43,620
Consider this my resignation.
57
00:01:43,724 --> 00:01:46,724
Bella! I will not let you die!
58
00:01:46,827 --> 00:01:49,206
- I'll never trust you, Zane!
- Whoa, okay.
59
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,551
I learned my lesson about
60
00:01:50,655 --> 00:01:52,137
blindly trusting an assistant.
61
00:01:52,241 --> 00:01:53,758
Agatha, tell that
rinky-dink museum
62
00:01:53,862 --> 00:01:55,448
to make like
Christopher McCandless
63
00:01:55,551 --> 00:01:57,068
- and take a hike.
- The Into the Wild guy?
64
00:01:57,172 --> 00:01:58,448
Yeah, do you have a problem
65
00:01:58,551 --> 00:02:00,068
with what I said, Saltine?
66
00:02:00,172 --> 00:02:02,586
He famously took a hike.
I'm halfway through that book,
67
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,000
- and the guy is all about hikes.
- Actually, Rip,
68
00:02:04,103 --> 00:02:05,689
you know how you've
got that snake terrarium?
69
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:08,551
Because they're my
favorite animal, yeah, go on.
70
00:02:08,655 --> 00:02:10,413
And the snakes
require heat lamps.
71
00:02:10,517 --> 00:02:11,931
Because they're
ectothermic, yes. Continue.
72
00:02:12,034 --> 00:02:13,724
Well, those lamps
use a lot of power,
73
00:02:13,827 --> 00:02:15,689
and we're way behind
on our bills,
74
00:02:15,793 --> 00:02:17,310
so you should take
the job because
75
00:02:17,413 --> 00:02:18,758
we desperately need the money.
76
00:02:18,862 --> 00:02:20,965
Okay, fine. I'll do it
for my beloved snakes.
77
00:02:21,068 --> 00:02:22,241
So what's the job?
78
00:02:22,344 --> 00:02:24,068
Welcome to
the Museum of Confetti.
79
00:02:24,172 --> 00:02:25,482
The only museum dedicated to
80
00:02:25,586 --> 00:02:27,275
indistinguishable
little scraps of paper.
81
00:02:27,379 --> 00:02:28,689
Oh, man.
82
00:02:28,793 --> 00:02:30,379
So, this one is from
the London Olympics'
83
00:02:30,482 --> 00:02:33,413
opening ceremony, and this one
is from the closing ceremony.
84
00:02:33,517 --> 00:02:36,034
Wait, that's the closing,
and this is the opening.
85
00:02:36,137 --> 00:02:38,413
I'm sorry. I feel
so ashamed right now.
86
00:02:38,517 --> 00:02:40,103
- Kind of wish I could die.
- Oh, no.
87
00:02:40,206 --> 00:02:41,965
Anyways, I was hoping
you could help me find
88
00:02:42,068 --> 00:02:44,724
a piece of the most historically
significant confetti ever.
89
00:02:44,827 --> 00:02:46,689
I didn't know
confetti had a history.
90
00:02:46,793 --> 00:02:48,068
Please share.
91
00:02:48,172 --> 00:02:49,413
Hundreds of years ago in Italy,
92
00:02:49,517 --> 00:02:50,931
it was a young boy's birthday,
93
00:02:51,034 --> 00:02:52,689
but his family
couldn't afford any gifts.
94
00:02:52,793 --> 00:02:54,689
So the boy sat alone,
wishing for a miracle,
95
00:02:54,793 --> 00:02:56,068
when someone
emptied their trash,
96
00:02:56,172 --> 00:02:57,413
filled with
small pieces of paper,
97
00:02:57,517 --> 00:02:59,275
out the window above him.
98
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:00,551
-♪ La-la-la-la-la... ♪
- His prayers were answered,
99
00:03:00,655 --> 00:03:01,931
and confetti was born.
100
00:03:02,034 --> 00:03:03,862
On the dark web,
I came across a tip
101
00:03:03,965 --> 00:03:06,206
as to the location of
one of the original pieces.
102
00:03:06,310 --> 00:03:08,551
It says it's hidden
near the Rialto Bridge,
103
00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:09,931
but I can't go to Italy.
104
00:03:10,034 --> 00:03:11,655
Who would sing
to my confetti at night?
105
00:03:11,758 --> 00:03:13,689
Five-point plan.
106
00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:16,275
Fine, yes, we're in.
Swooper, gas up the plane.
107
00:03:16,379 --> 00:03:17,655
We're headed to Venice, Italy.
108
00:03:17,758 --> 00:03:18,931
Plane's already gassed up.
109
00:03:19,034 --> 00:03:20,793
If I add any more,
it will explode.
110
00:03:20,896 --> 00:03:22,655
Is that what you want?
'Cause I swear to God,
111
00:03:22,758 --> 00:03:25,482
I'll do it, Rip.
I'll do anything for you, man!
112
00:03:34,241 --> 00:03:36,275
Well, seems like
Petey's tip was a bust,
113
00:03:36,379 --> 00:03:38,827
and that stupid piece of
paper's nowhere to be found.
114
00:03:38,931 --> 00:03:40,344
What are you getting
up to over there?
115
00:03:40,448 --> 00:03:41,758
The confetti may not be
on the bridge,
116
00:03:41,862 --> 00:03:43,379
but it could be in the bridge.
117
00:03:43,482 --> 00:03:45,724
I noticed an opening, so I'm
having Fleety look inside.
118
00:03:45,827 --> 00:03:48,137
We can watch with
my newest cool invention:
119
00:03:48,241 --> 00:03:49,517
The FleetyCam.
120
00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:50,862
Oh, yeah, look at that.
121
00:03:50,965 --> 00:03:52,655
That must be it. Go, Fleety.
122
00:03:52,758 --> 00:03:54,344
Oh. Oh, God.
123
00:03:54,448 --> 00:03:56,241
Fleety, watch out! What the...?
124
00:03:56,344 --> 00:03:57,482
Fleety? How did you...?
125
00:03:57,586 --> 00:03:59,000
The video's on
a 30-second delay.
126
00:03:59,103 --> 00:04:00,482
Would you have
preferred a live feed?
127
00:04:00,586 --> 00:04:01,655
Yeah, of course.
128
00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:03,206
I mean, little anticlimactic.
129
00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:04,758
Kind of wanted to see
how Fleety got out of that.
130
00:04:04,862 --> 00:04:06,310
Nice work, buddy.
Here's your treat.
131
00:04:07,827 --> 00:04:09,275
Well, there it is, whoop-de-doo,
132
00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:12,137
a boring piece of confetti
that nobody cares about.
133
00:04:12,241 --> 00:04:13,586
- Confetti?
- Confetti?
134
00:04:13,689 --> 00:04:15,206
Did somebody say "confetti"?
135
00:04:15,310 --> 00:04:17,965
♪ Confetti, confetti ♪
136
00:04:18,068 --> 00:04:19,137
♪ Confetti,
confetti, confetti.♪
137
00:04:19,241 --> 00:04:20,137
Confetti!
138
00:04:20,241 --> 00:04:21,965
Wow, I guess people here
139
00:04:22,068 --> 00:04:23,310
really do love confetti.
140
00:04:23,413 --> 00:04:25,620
Hold on, there's something
written on this.
141
00:04:27,241 --> 00:04:28,310
They've got the confetti.
142
00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:30,448
Guys, I love the hat,
143
00:04:30,551 --> 00:04:32,310
but I think it's too long.
144
00:04:36,482 --> 00:04:37,758
Welcome, Rip Digman.
145
00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:39,586
What the hell is going on here?
146
00:04:39,689 --> 00:04:42,413
We are the descendants
of Julius Caesar,
147
00:04:42,517 --> 00:04:45,000
and my name is Cale.
Cale Caesar.
148
00:04:45,103 --> 00:04:48,137
But before you say anything,
I've heard all the jokes.
149
00:04:48,241 --> 00:04:49,448
And I love them,
150
00:04:49,551 --> 00:04:52,379
so if you'd like to
make any, I am all ears.
151
00:04:52,482 --> 00:04:55,517
Uh, your name
sounds like a salad?
152
00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,344
I actually hadn't
heard that one before.
153
00:05:00,448 --> 00:05:02,586
Wow, you went right at it.
154
00:05:02,689 --> 00:05:04,724
We are known
as the Little Caesars.
155
00:05:04,827 --> 00:05:06,827
And, yes, I've heard
all the jokes.
156
00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:08,724
Those ones, I don't like.
157
00:05:08,827 --> 00:05:10,896
Seems arbitrary,
but humor is subjective.
158
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,482
We will stop at nothing
to return the Caesars to power.
159
00:05:13,586 --> 00:05:15,103
For years we have been searching
160
00:05:15,206 --> 00:05:17,586
for the world's original
batch of confetti
161
00:05:17,689 --> 00:05:19,724
because it is actually
a torn-up map
162
00:05:19,827 --> 00:05:22,586
leading to one of Italy's
greatest lost treasures.
163
00:05:22,689 --> 00:05:24,931
The knife Brutus used
to kill Caesar.
164
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:26,206
Ah, shit.
165
00:05:26,310 --> 00:05:28,344
Legend has it
that the knife is cursed,
166
00:05:28,448 --> 00:05:29,689
and anyone who holds it
167
00:05:29,793 --> 00:05:31,827
is overcome by the desire
to kill their boss.
168
00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:33,482
Just like Brutus did to Caesar.
169
00:05:33,586 --> 00:05:34,931
Many have sought the knife to
170
00:05:35,034 --> 00:05:36,896
exploit its power,
so, hundreds of years ago,
171
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,965
the great Venetian
mapmaker Fra Mauro
172
00:05:39,068 --> 00:05:40,000
hid the knife
173
00:05:40,103 --> 00:05:41,586
and drew a map to its location.
174
00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:42,931
But when evildoers closed in
175
00:05:43,034 --> 00:05:44,793
on Fra Mauro,
he tore up the map,
176
00:05:44,896 --> 00:05:46,206
scattering the pieces
to the wind.
177
00:05:46,310 --> 00:05:47,793
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
178
00:05:47,896 --> 00:05:49,344
♪ La-la-la-la-la. ♪
179
00:05:49,448 --> 00:05:51,517
The writing on the back,
that's why you grabbed us.
180
00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:52,862
We found the final piece.
181
00:05:52,965 --> 00:05:55,000
Precisely. The map
is now complete,
182
00:05:55,103 --> 00:05:57,620
but there's no "X"
marking the knife's location,
183
00:05:57,724 --> 00:05:58,689
just a Latin riddle
184
00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:00,551
that you will help us solve.
185
00:06:00,655 --> 00:06:02,448
And why would we help you?
186
00:06:02,551 --> 00:06:03,827
Because if you don't,
187
00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:06,379
you'll find yourself
at the bottom of a canal.
188
00:06:06,482 --> 00:06:07,827
- With scuba equipment on?
- No.
189
00:06:07,931 --> 00:06:09,413
Damn it.
Lunch is here.
190
00:06:09,517 --> 00:06:11,241
Okay, I've got a Caesar salad.
191
00:06:11,344 --> 00:06:13,206
- That's me.
- And I've got a Caesar salad.
192
00:06:13,310 --> 00:06:14,689
That's mine.
A make-your-own salad
193
00:06:14,793 --> 00:06:16,241
with romaine,
anchovies, parmesan,
194
00:06:16,344 --> 00:06:17,862
- croutons, Caesar dressing.
- Oh, that's... Hey, that's mine.
195
00:06:17,965 --> 00:06:19,862
You guys want any salad?
196
00:06:19,965 --> 00:06:21,206
And they stole
the map and escaped.
197
00:06:21,310 --> 00:06:23,137
I feel like
that's on all of us.
198
00:06:23,241 --> 00:06:25,206
You know, I mean, honestly,
who escapes anymore? Just stay.
199
00:06:29,137 --> 00:06:30,896
Now, this is more like it.
If we find the knife
200
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,172
that killed Caesar, I'll make
the Arky Rankings for sure.
201
00:06:32,275 --> 00:06:33,931
And that will solve
all my problems forever.
202
00:06:34,034 --> 00:06:35,448
Aren't you worried
about the knife's curse?
203
00:06:35,551 --> 00:06:38,344
Oh, Saltine, there's
no way this knife is cursed.
204
00:06:38,448 --> 00:06:39,379
People want to kill their bosses
205
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:40,482
every day.
206
00:06:40,586 --> 00:06:41,793
Hell, you probably want to
207
00:06:41,896 --> 00:06:43,241
kill me right now.
But don't, though.
208
00:06:43,344 --> 00:06:45,034
- I don't want to kill you.
- Yeah, you say that,
209
00:06:45,137 --> 00:06:46,724
because you need job security,
210
00:06:46,827 --> 00:06:48,655
but we both know
you'd kill me in an instant
211
00:06:48,758 --> 00:06:50,896
if given an opportunity.
Now, all we have to do
212
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,758
is solve this riddle,
and, luckily,
213
00:06:52,862 --> 00:06:54,689
I know just the new character.
214
00:06:56,275 --> 00:06:57,344
Rip Digman?
215
00:06:57,448 --> 00:06:58,689
Oh, sorry, it's not
216
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:00,275
that I'm shocked to
see you, I'm just clumsy.
217
00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:02,586
A bit of an olive oil fingers,
if you take my meaning.
218
00:07:02,689 --> 00:07:04,896
Saltine, meet Professor McEwan,
219
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,758
my old Italian
history professor,
220
00:07:06,862 --> 00:07:10,724
and an absolutely primo,
grade A, male mentor.
221
00:07:12,068 --> 00:07:13,931
- Grappa?
- No, thanks.
222
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,310
- 10:15 a.m.
- Well, it's 5:00 somewhere.
223
00:07:16,413 --> 00:07:17,827
Not if it's 10:15?
224
00:07:17,931 --> 00:07:19,310
Right, so let's take
a look at this map.
225
00:07:19,413 --> 00:07:21,586
Whoop. My bad. So, the map...
226
00:07:21,689 --> 00:07:22,862
Not sure if I mentioned this,
227
00:07:22,965 --> 00:07:24,310
I'm a bit of
an olive oil fingers.
228
00:07:24,413 --> 00:07:25,965
- Yeah, you did.
- That's the Italian version...
229
00:07:26,068 --> 00:07:27,620
Of a butterfingers.
Right, I get it.
230
00:07:27,724 --> 00:07:29,689
Great, then you understand.
Moving on.
231
00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:31,000
Fascinating.
232
00:07:31,103 --> 00:07:33,310
Seems like this phrase
may be a clue.
233
00:07:33,413 --> 00:07:34,793
"Flavo pila credere in."
234
00:07:34,896 --> 00:07:36,827
That's Latin for
"Trust in the sun."
235
00:07:36,931 --> 00:07:39,241
Perhaps sunlight will
reveal a hidden message.
236
00:07:39,344 --> 00:07:40,241
Ah, nothing.
237
00:07:40,344 --> 00:07:41,482
Let's think.
238
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:42,931
if I were Fra Mauro,
what would I do?
239
00:07:43,034 --> 00:07:45,241
Well, I'd change my name
first, that's for sure.
240
00:07:46,448 --> 00:07:47,620
You are the funniest person
241
00:07:47,724 --> 00:07:49,620
I've ever met. Bar none.
242
00:07:49,724 --> 00:07:51,517
Now, how to solve this riddle.
243
00:07:51,620 --> 00:07:54,724
Can I try? I'm pretty good
at cracking those things.
244
00:07:54,827 --> 00:07:56,896
Cracking those.
245
00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,241
- Damn these eggs.
- Can I try?
246
00:07:59,344 --> 00:08:01,137
I'm pretty good at
cracking those things.
247
00:08:01,241 --> 00:08:03,896
No way, Zane! I don't want
your help, you backstabber!
248
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,379
Whoa, Rip, you're clearly
249
00:08:05,482 --> 00:08:07,034
projecting your issues
with Zane onto me.
250
00:08:07,137 --> 00:08:09,655
Well, I'm sorry, Saltine,
but I have trauma.
251
00:08:09,758 --> 00:08:13,068
You can't argue with trauma.
Are you unsympathetic to trauma?
252
00:08:13,172 --> 00:08:15,758
Uh, Saltine, perhaps we should
give Rip a moment here.
253
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:17,758
My assistant Roberto
would be more than happy
254
00:08:17,862 --> 00:08:19,517
to show you around
our beautiful city.
255
00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:20,965
At your service.
256
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:22,379
Why don't you come
with me, amica?
257
00:08:23,517 --> 00:08:25,965
Um, yes, please.
258
00:08:26,068 --> 00:08:27,586
And that is what happens
259
00:08:27,689 --> 00:08:30,689
when the moon hits your eye.
But enough astronomy talk.
260
00:08:30,793 --> 00:08:32,896
This is really lovely, Roberto.
261
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,103
Oh, for me, it's my pleasure.
262
00:08:35,206 --> 00:08:37,862
To stroll with a beautiful
woman such as yourself,
263
00:08:37,965 --> 00:08:40,793
it made my armpits,
um, how you say, uh,
264
00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,620
wet and scented.
265
00:08:42,724 --> 00:08:44,206
What a great way
of putting that.
266
00:08:44,310 --> 00:08:46,275
May I, uh, remove?
267
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,344
"I'm with Stupid" in Latin?
268
00:08:50,448 --> 00:08:51,655
That's so clever.
269
00:08:51,758 --> 00:08:52,965
You're a fellow Latin lover?
270
00:08:53,068 --> 00:08:54,689
Oh, Mamma mia, yes.
271
00:08:54,793 --> 00:08:56,172
It is my one true passion.
272
00:08:56,275 --> 00:08:58,206
I-I wish it was
a living language still.
273
00:08:58,310 --> 00:09:01,379
Me, too. I could talk
about it "ad nauseam."
274
00:09:02,965 --> 00:09:05,620
And yet, Saltina,
I feel I could never reach
275
00:09:05,724 --> 00:09:07,482
"nauseam" with you.
276
00:09:07,586 --> 00:09:10,758
Ergo, I'd like to show you
my Venice. Will you allow me?
277
00:09:10,862 --> 00:09:12,827
Well, "carpe diem," right?
278
00:09:12,931 --> 00:09:14,586
Saltina, I love you.
279
00:09:14,689 --> 00:09:18,000
Whoa. Okay, rad. Thanks.
280
00:09:18,896 --> 00:09:21,655
To me, this is
the most romantic sight
281
00:09:21,758 --> 00:09:22,965
in all of Venezia. Via!
282
00:09:23,068 --> 00:09:24,344
Is that
283
00:09:24,448 --> 00:09:27,103
an imperfect subjunctive
contrafactual condition?
284
00:09:27,206 --> 00:09:28,206
Yes.
285
00:09:30,517 --> 00:09:33,137
Thank you for an
incredible day, Roberto.
286
00:09:33,241 --> 00:09:34,586
It's so beautiful here.
287
00:09:34,689 --> 00:09:36,482
Made more beautiful
288
00:09:36,586 --> 00:09:39,000
by you.
289
00:09:39,103 --> 00:09:40,448
- You okay there, Roberto?
- Mm-hmm.
290
00:09:40,551 --> 00:09:42,379
'Cause it seems like
you thought you could
291
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:43,655
just take a big bite
of a lemon
292
00:09:43,758 --> 00:09:44,689
like it would be no big deal.
293
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,413
No, it tastes very good.
294
00:09:46,517 --> 00:09:48,517
If that's what happened, it's
fine, we're still gonna smash.
295
00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:50,068
It just seems weird
you wouldn't be honest.
296
00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:52,620
Mmm. You know, lemons
297
00:09:52,724 --> 00:09:55,793
were a rare treat
in ancient Italy,
298
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:58,413
reserved only for the wealthy.
299
00:10:00,793 --> 00:10:02,379
We've got to get
back to the manor.
300
00:10:03,551 --> 00:10:06,000
Hey, what are you doing?
You're gonna ruin the map.
301
00:10:06,103 --> 00:10:07,206
No, I'm not.
Your translation was wrong.
302
00:10:07,310 --> 00:10:08,689
It wasn't "Trust in the sun,"
303
00:10:08,793 --> 00:10:10,137
it was "Trust
in the yellow ball,"
304
00:10:10,241 --> 00:10:11,551
which is what your average
person called lemons
305
00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:13,241
in ancient Italy
because they were so rare.
306
00:10:13,344 --> 00:10:14,931
And lemon juice can
be used as an acid developer
307
00:10:15,034 --> 00:10:16,413
to make invisible
phenolphthalein inks visible
308
00:10:16,517 --> 00:10:17,724
like so.
309
00:10:17,827 --> 00:10:19,344
Easy-peasy,
310
00:10:19,448 --> 00:10:20,862
lemon-squeezy.
311
00:10:20,965 --> 00:10:23,068
St. Mark's Piazza, that's
where the knife is hidden.
312
00:10:23,172 --> 00:10:25,103
Holy authentic Italian cannoli.
313
00:10:25,206 --> 00:10:26,379
You've done it.
314
00:10:26,482 --> 00:10:27,896
Oh, I think I should
just go for it
315
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,379
and get all rubber
everything, right?
316
00:10:29,482 --> 00:10:31,551
You'd be selling yourself
short not to. Yeah.
317
00:10:31,655 --> 00:10:33,620
- Do you know a rubber monger?
- Not locally.
318
00:10:33,724 --> 00:10:35,034
- But back home?
- Yeah.
319
00:10:35,137 --> 00:10:36,413
If Rip gives you my email,
will you send me
320
00:10:36,517 --> 00:10:37,620
your rubber monger's info?
321
00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:38,758
Of course, but just so you know,
322
00:10:38,862 --> 00:10:40,068
he's in Temecula until Thursday.
323
00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:42,034
It's his aunt and uncle's
40th anniversary.
324
00:10:42,137 --> 00:10:43,551
The anniversary was
actually last year,
325
00:10:43,655 --> 00:10:45,896
but Don hurt his foot,
so they couldn't celebrate.
326
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,965
- Don is the uncle.
- What is Don's wife's name?
327
00:10:48,068 --> 00:10:49,620
- Kathleen.
- Kathleen and Don
328
00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:50,896
actually met a few blocks away
329
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,137
from where the party
is being held.
330
00:10:52,241 --> 00:10:53,517
- Is that so?
- But Kathleen was with
331
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,206
Gary Delvecchio back then,
so she and Don
332
00:10:55,310 --> 00:10:57,068
didn't start dating
until a few months later.
333
00:10:57,172 --> 00:10:58,448
In fact, he wanted
to come to the anniversary,
334
00:10:58,551 --> 00:10:59,793
but he's staying
in Chicago because
335
00:10:59,896 --> 00:11:01,103
it's his granddaughter Jessica's
336
00:11:01,206 --> 00:11:02,310
seventh birthday party.
337
00:11:02,413 --> 00:11:04,000
- It's pony-themed.
- Which, yes,
338
00:11:04,103 --> 00:11:05,586
was also her friend
Madison's birthday theme.
339
00:11:05,689 --> 00:11:08,137
Ah, well, please send Madison
and her family my best.
340
00:11:08,241 --> 00:11:09,586
Will do.
341
00:11:17,655 --> 00:11:20,275
This place
is crawling with Little Caesars.
342
00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:21,862
Why don't you guys
check the basilica,
343
00:11:21,965 --> 00:11:23,137
and we'll meet back up at...
344
00:11:23,241 --> 00:11:25,103
Uh, let's see,
what time is it now?
345
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:26,655
Great Caesar's ghost.
346
00:11:26,758 --> 00:11:27,724
That clock hand, it's the knife.
347
00:11:27,827 --> 00:11:29,310
Hidden in plain sight.
348
00:11:29,413 --> 00:11:31,241
Just like Waldo
in the Where's Waldo? novels.
349
00:11:31,344 --> 00:11:32,517
Or the Bible verse on the bottom
350
00:11:32,620 --> 00:11:34,103
of a Forever 21 bag.
351
00:11:34,206 --> 00:11:36,758
Now, here's the plan.
You'll climb the clocktower...
352
00:11:37,586 --> 00:11:39,931
- Oh, is that it?
- Yup, that's the whole thing.
353
00:11:43,448 --> 00:11:44,586
How it's looking down there?
354
00:11:44,689 --> 00:11:46,551
Don't worry,
no one's "clocked" you,
355
00:11:46,655 --> 00:11:49,000
pun absolutely intended.
356
00:11:49,103 --> 00:11:50,103
Everyone is just buried
in their phones.
357
00:11:50,206 --> 00:11:51,379
It's sad when you
think about it.
358
00:11:51,482 --> 00:11:53,000
No way, fuck that.
I love my phone.
359
00:11:53,103 --> 00:11:54,655
Push that shit on someone else.
360
00:11:54,758 --> 00:11:56,620
Almost... got... it.
361
00:11:57,724 --> 00:11:58,862
Who am I,
362
00:11:58,965 --> 00:12:00,379
Harold Lloyd in Safety Last!?
363
00:12:00,482 --> 00:12:02,344
Anyway, I'm in huge trouble!
364
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,551
Woo-hoo!
365
00:12:08,655 --> 00:12:10,310
Who am I, Hudson Hawk?
366
00:12:10,413 --> 00:12:11,724
Uh, I would describe that as
367
00:12:11,827 --> 00:12:13,241
Hudson Hawk meets Harold Lloyd.
368
00:12:13,344 --> 00:12:15,137
Thank you.
369
00:12:15,241 --> 00:12:16,448
So, Saltine,
you're holding the knife.
370
00:12:16,551 --> 00:12:17,482
Is it cursed?
371
00:12:17,586 --> 00:12:18,517
I am your boss.
372
00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:19,965
Does it make you
want to kill me?
373
00:12:20,068 --> 00:12:21,103
Fine. It's just a normal knife.
374
00:12:21,206 --> 00:12:22,241
Well, I guess all's well
375
00:12:22,344 --> 00:12:23,241
- that ends...
- It's them.
376
00:12:23,344 --> 00:12:24,793
- Over there.
- Shit!
377
00:12:24,896 --> 00:12:26,517
Okay, this piazza
is famously full of pigeons.
378
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:28,241
We run straight at them,
and when they take flight,
379
00:12:28,344 --> 00:12:29,758
they'll hide us in a canopy
of wings and feathers.
380
00:12:29,862 --> 00:12:31,448
Sounds good, let's go!
381
00:12:35,551 --> 00:12:36,827
- They're not flying!
- Why won't they fly?
382
00:12:36,931 --> 00:12:38,413
We're just crunching them.
383
00:12:38,517 --> 00:12:40,448
I can hear their tiny,
brittle bones beneath my feet.
384
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,517
Oh, God, I think
I just curbed one.
385
00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:44,034
Are we going to hell for this?
Oh, no, no!
386
00:12:44,137 --> 00:12:45,896
I have now killed,
like, 4,000 pigeons.
387
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,137
I will never not
feel them under my feet.
388
00:12:48,241 --> 00:12:49,862
And we're leaving a perfect
pigeon carcass path
389
00:12:49,965 --> 00:12:51,206
for the Caesars to follow.
390
00:12:51,310 --> 00:12:53,206
It's disgusting
and hurting our cause.
391
00:12:53,310 --> 00:12:56,620
Okay, new plan. Jump!
392
00:13:00,793 --> 00:13:02,689
Well, at least the canal water
393
00:13:02,793 --> 00:13:04,517
washed off the pigeon blood.
394
00:13:08,034 --> 00:13:09,000
And then she walked in
with her perfect figure:
395
00:13:09,103 --> 00:13:11,724
30-30-30, a total tube.
396
00:13:11,827 --> 00:13:13,000
Yello?
397
00:13:13,103 --> 00:13:14,896
Swooper, we're in
the canal by St. Mark's.
398
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,689
Get a gondola and get us fast.
399
00:13:16,793 --> 00:13:17,827
On my way, Rippy.
400
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,034
Sorry that my five-point plan
401
00:13:19,137 --> 00:13:20,034
might get us killed, Rip.
402
00:13:20,137 --> 00:13:21,068
Are you kidding me?
403
00:13:21,172 --> 00:13:22,344
This is the good stuff.
404
00:13:22,448 --> 00:13:23,241
I haven't been
this happy in years.
405
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:24,586
Really? Wow. So, I guess
406
00:13:24,689 --> 00:13:26,448
you could say trusting me
was a good call.
407
00:13:26,551 --> 00:13:28,172
Good call.
408
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,793
Hey, Zane, what do you
think of this turkey call?
409
00:13:36,931 --> 00:13:38,862
Good call.
410
00:13:39,103 --> 00:13:40,931
No, I'm not falling
for that again.
411
00:13:41,034 --> 00:13:43,344
I'll never trust you.
412
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,206
Come on, Swooper, where are you?
413
00:13:46,310 --> 00:13:47,517
One gondola, please.
414
00:13:47,620 --> 00:13:49,931
You need a license
to rent a gondola.
415
00:13:50,034 --> 00:13:52,068
But getting one is no easy task.
416
00:13:52,172 --> 00:13:53,586
The training is rigorous.
417
00:13:53,689 --> 00:13:55,965
It will test you.
It will break you.
418
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:57,655
And it will cost you
419
00:13:57,758 --> 00:13:59,275
60 euros.
420
00:14:00,103 --> 00:14:01,586
Welcome to...
421
00:14:01,689 --> 00:14:03,586
Top Gondola.
422
00:14:05,827 --> 00:14:08,655
Gentlemen, look around you.
423
00:14:08,758 --> 00:14:09,896
Someone in this
classroom will die
424
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:10,965
before the training is over.
425
00:14:17,827 --> 00:14:21,413
Rule number one:
Never drop your oar.
426
00:14:32,068 --> 00:14:33,931
I don't hear singing.
427
00:14:59,758 --> 00:15:04,241
This is wrong.
You are my teacher.
428
00:15:06,758 --> 00:15:08,931
Yee-haw!
429
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,310
Time for your greatest test:
430
00:15:10,413 --> 00:15:11,758
the Quick Stop.
431
00:15:11,862 --> 00:15:13,206
Guppy, you're up first.
432
00:15:17,034 --> 00:15:18,517
Guppy, there's a whirlpool!
433
00:15:19,413 --> 00:15:21,172
Quick stop, Guppy!
434
00:15:21,275 --> 00:15:25,620
Guppy! No...!
435
00:15:27,034 --> 00:15:28,965
Is Papà in heaven, Mamma?
436
00:15:29,068 --> 00:15:32,000
Siì. Papà è in paradiso.
437
00:15:32,793 --> 00:15:34,482
What do you mean you quit?
438
00:15:34,586 --> 00:15:36,344
You haven't even mastered
the Quick Stop yet.
439
00:15:36,448 --> 00:15:38,758
We can't give you
a license until you do.
440
00:15:38,862 --> 00:15:41,034
I'm sorry, Denise. I can't.
441
00:15:41,862 --> 00:15:42,862
Hey, man.
442
00:15:42,965 --> 00:15:45,379
You were the best of us.
443
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,206
So you got your license?
444
00:15:48,310 --> 00:15:50,068
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, here you go.
445
00:15:50,172 --> 00:15:53,310
Somebody order a gondola?
446
00:15:54,862 --> 00:15:56,103
♪ Barcarola... ♪
447
00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:57,517
Swooper, what are
you doing? Shut up.
448
00:15:57,620 --> 00:15:59,655
I'm a gondolier, Rip,
I got to sing.
449
00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:01,482
You're gonna attract
too much attention.
450
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,586
I'll attract more attention
if I don't sing.
451
00:16:03,689 --> 00:16:06,344
There's nothing more suspicious
than a silent gondolier.
452
00:16:06,448 --> 00:16:08,137
I don't care. Put a sock in it.
453
00:16:08,965 --> 00:16:10,620
Over there.
That gondolier isn't singing.
454
00:16:10,724 --> 00:16:12,724
- It's them.
- Told you.
455
00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:20,275
They have Jet Skis?
456
00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:21,793
Nothing a little NOS
can't outrun.
457
00:16:24,724 --> 00:16:26,206
That's how you do it.
458
00:16:26,310 --> 00:16:28,103
H-hey, look, it's a dolphin.
459
00:16:29,344 --> 00:16:31,620
Oh, no, a shark ate it!
460
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,034
A big dolphin ate the shark!
461
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,137
- There are rapids in Venice?
- Yes.
462
00:16:39,241 --> 00:16:40,689
Oh, my God, Swooper, stop.
463
00:16:40,793 --> 00:16:43,068
Swooper, what the hell
are you doing? Stop!
464
00:16:43,172 --> 00:16:44,689
This is for you, Guppy.
465
00:16:52,517 --> 00:16:53,793
Incredible work, Swooper.
466
00:16:53,896 --> 00:16:56,206
Thanks. I'm gonna go
return the gondola.
467
00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:57,379
Well, that worked out great.
468
00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:58,965
And now for an epic selfie
469
00:16:59,068 --> 00:17:00,655
with my phone, which I love.
470
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:02,689
- Saltine, hold this a sec.
- Okay.
471
00:17:02,793 --> 00:17:04,827
- Okay.
- Oh, no, you don't, Zane.
472
00:17:04,931 --> 00:17:06,275
You'd stab me with it.
473
00:17:06,379 --> 00:17:07,862
You know that's not true.
I was holding it earlier.
474
00:17:07,965 --> 00:17:08,931
You were joking about it.
475
00:17:09,034 --> 00:17:10,310
Doesn't matter, I have trauma.
476
00:17:10,413 --> 00:17:11,758
Roberto, here, you hold it.
477
00:17:11,862 --> 00:17:12,965
Sure thing.
478
00:17:15,517 --> 00:17:17,172
What's so funny, Roberto?
479
00:17:17,275 --> 00:17:19,034
Are you remembering
a Latin meme?
480
00:17:19,137 --> 00:17:20,379
- Can you share?
- Mi scusi.
481
00:17:20,482 --> 00:17:21,965
I am laughing because
482
00:17:22,068 --> 00:17:24,275
I have the knife now.
483
00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:26,068
Roberto, you're betraying us?
484
00:17:26,172 --> 00:17:27,206
I trusted you.
485
00:17:27,310 --> 00:17:28,551
Wait, so you've been undercover,
486
00:17:28,655 --> 00:17:30,758
working for and sleeping
with Professor McEwan
487
00:17:30,862 --> 00:17:32,517
- just to look for the knife?
- Wait, sleeping with?
488
00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:34,206
That's right. I tricked you.
489
00:17:34,310 --> 00:17:38,000
And soon I'll explain why.
490
00:17:39,896 --> 00:17:42,000
I'm sorry, not to harp on this.
You were sleeping with McEwan?
491
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,862
Yes, but you are focusing
on the wrong thing. But yes.
492
00:17:48,206 --> 00:17:49,448
Roberto, no.
Was it all just a lie?
493
00:17:49,551 --> 00:17:51,137
What about the seven
times we had amazing sex?
494
00:17:51,241 --> 00:17:53,068
What about the time we started,
but then you slipped out,
495
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:54,793
and then we heard people coming
so we decided to just call it?
496
00:17:54,896 --> 00:17:55,793
Been there.
497
00:17:55,896 --> 00:17:57,482
None of it was a lie, Saltina.
498
00:17:57,586 --> 00:17:59,965
When I said I loved you
45 seconds after meeting you,
499
00:18:00,068 --> 00:18:01,344
I meant it.
500
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,517
But there is more
you should know about me.
501
00:18:03,620 --> 00:18:05,620
I am actually
the deputy vice president
502
00:18:05,724 --> 00:18:07,172
of Italy's Ministry
of Education,
503
00:18:07,275 --> 00:18:09,620
meaning I am third in line
to rule as secretary.
504
00:18:09,724 --> 00:18:12,103
But when I place the dagger
in the hands of the man
505
00:18:12,206 --> 00:18:15,034
who is second in line,
he will kill his boss,
506
00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:17,310
then be arrested,
leaving the education throne
507
00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:18,655
to be assumed by me,
508
00:18:18,758 --> 00:18:21,275
and then I shall once
more make Latin
509
00:18:21,379 --> 00:18:22,793
the national language of Italy!
510
00:18:22,896 --> 00:18:24,448
I realize you have
the upper hand,
511
00:18:24,551 --> 00:18:25,931
but it's a weird plan.
512
00:18:26,034 --> 00:18:27,586
- It's not weird.
- The knife isn't even cursed,
513
00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,206
genius. You saw it yourself.
514
00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:30,620
Oh, it's cursed all right.
515
00:18:30,724 --> 00:18:32,448
You just hadn't activated it.
516
00:18:32,551 --> 00:18:35,931
Veni ad vitam,
cultrum mirabilis.
517
00:18:36,034 --> 00:18:37,758
Aw, shit, it's glowing red.
Yeah, it's cursed.
518
00:18:37,862 --> 00:18:39,551
So, what,
you're just gonna kill us?
519
00:18:39,655 --> 00:18:43,275
On the contrary, I want
to rule this new empire
520
00:18:43,379 --> 00:18:45,172
with you by my side.
But as for Rip?
521
00:18:45,275 --> 00:18:46,413
He will die.
522
00:18:46,517 --> 00:18:48,620
- By your hand.
- No, I-I can't.
523
00:18:48,724 --> 00:18:51,068
Why not? He doesn't trust you.
524
00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:52,275
He can't even speak Latin.
525
00:18:52,379 --> 00:18:55,827
Tell me, Saltine.
Where's the lie?
526
00:18:55,931 --> 00:18:57,000
I mean, sure,
527
00:18:57,103 --> 00:18:58,448
that is all true.
528
00:18:58,551 --> 00:19:00,068
Give me the knife.
529
00:19:00,172 --> 00:19:01,482
What? Saltine, no.
530
00:19:01,586 --> 00:19:02,689
I thought we had
a good thing going.
531
00:19:02,793 --> 00:19:04,275
This won't hurt a bit, boss.
532
00:19:04,379 --> 00:19:05,551
Trust me.
533
00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:09,206
Aw, crap.
534
00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:10,310
Is this curtains for me?
535
00:19:10,413 --> 00:19:11,310
I'm about to be fitted for
536
00:19:11,413 --> 00:19:12,379
a pine overcoat, aren't I?
537
00:19:12,482 --> 00:19:13,689
I don't want to pay Charon's fee
538
00:19:13,793 --> 00:19:15,068
and shake hands with Elvis.
539
00:19:15,172 --> 00:19:16,103
You're telling me I'm gonna be
540
00:19:16,206 --> 00:19:17,413
promoted to Glory? No way.
541
00:19:21,862 --> 00:19:24,413
And now that
he's definitely dead,
542
00:19:24,517 --> 00:19:25,620
I can fulfill my destiny
543
00:19:25,724 --> 00:19:26,827
- as the...
- I'm back.
544
00:19:28,482 --> 00:19:29,379
Saltine,
545
00:19:29,482 --> 00:19:30,758
you remembered the jerky.
546
00:19:30,862 --> 00:19:33,379
- I did.
- That was amazing.
547
00:19:37,413 --> 00:19:39,586
So... you kill people?
548
00:19:39,689 --> 00:19:41,620
It would appear so, yeah.
549
00:19:42,655 --> 00:19:43,620
- Huh.
- Truth be told,
550
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:44,896
this was my first time.
551
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,758
I'm actually having...
552
00:19:46,862 --> 00:19:48,482
having a little trouble with it.
553
00:19:48,586 --> 00:19:50,034
Oh, my God, what have I done?!
554
00:19:50,137 --> 00:19:52,103
His life! I snuffed it out!
555
00:19:52,206 --> 00:19:53,724
He'll never have
another birthday!
556
00:19:53,827 --> 00:19:55,689
But he was gonna kill us,
right? I had no choice.
557
00:19:55,793 --> 00:19:58,689
You saw, he was evil.
Oh, shit, I'm gonna boot.
558
00:19:59,862 --> 00:20:01,310
Oh, no.
559
00:20:01,413 --> 00:20:02,931
He slipped on a rock! You saw!
560
00:20:03,034 --> 00:20:05,413
Oh, God, he had
a mother, Saltine!
561
00:20:05,517 --> 00:20:07,034
Oh, fuck.
562
00:20:07,137 --> 00:20:10,275
I'm a piece of shit,
I'm a fucking piece of shit!
563
00:20:10,379 --> 00:20:12,586
So it's agreed, we'll never
talk about that again.
564
00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:14,275
Yup, you got it.
So, are you excited
565
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,965
to make the Arky Rankings
this week, Rip?
566
00:20:16,068 --> 00:20:18,034
- The knife makes it a sure bet.
- Indeed, 'twould be nice.
567
00:20:18,137 --> 00:20:20,310
But I think it will be
many moons longer still.
568
00:20:20,413 --> 00:20:21,620
- What do you mean?
- It's the unwritten
569
00:20:21,724 --> 00:20:23,068
arky code, Saltine.
570
00:20:23,172 --> 00:20:24,793
We can't give a cursed
object to a museum,
571
00:20:24,896 --> 00:20:27,000
for it will always be
targeted by ne'er-do-wells.
572
00:20:27,103 --> 00:20:28,965
I am just happy
returning the confetti.
573
00:20:29,068 --> 00:20:30,586
That was step one
of your five-point plan,
574
00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:32,000
and I trust your plan.
575
00:20:32,103 --> 00:20:34,862
Perfect, time for
step two: Making amends.
576
00:20:34,965 --> 00:20:36,000
Fuck that. I'm out.
577
00:20:51,379 --> 00:20:52,793
Ouch!
578
00:21:06,551 --> 00:21:07,965
Come to papa.
42159
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