All language subtitles for The.Conners.S03E09.Promotions.Podcasts.and.Magic.Tea.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Look at this deformed
little guy.

I'm gonna name him
Dexter.

He's kind of built
like a guy I used to date.

Which part of him?

The part you don't want
shaped like this.

Darlene, can I talk to you
for a moment?

Uh, excuse me.

As union rep, I'd like
to know what this is about.

When did youbecome
union rep?

When I got them
to change the drug test.

It was my reward for
watching everyone pee.

It's none
of your business.

Okay, then.
Carry on.

So, Darlene,
I have some good news.

It's good?
Well, that's news right there.

Your name came up recently with
some of the people upstairs,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, sure, yeah,
the upstairs people.

They want to make you a line
supervisor. Congratulations.

Me? How come?

Wait.
Nobody else wanted it, right?

No.

The current supervisor
is stepping down

to take care
of a bleeding ulcer.

But don't worry.
It isn't work-related.

Although the drinking problem
probably is.

Wow! God. Thank you.

I-I couldn't have done this
without your mentoring.

Yeah, you're right.

Really is much more my victory
than it is yours, isn't it?

Anyway, just come upstairs
after your shift

and we'll talk about
compensation and benefits.

Wow.

What did shewant?

You know how
you're always saying

that my lousy people skills
would hold me back?

Well, I'm your boss now,
so suck it!

Congratulations!

You may be surprised to hear
this, but I'm a little bummed.

We've been having fun
working together.

Oh, well, I'm still
gonna be on the floor.

It's just now I can
make your life miserable

if you displease me.
Right!

And as union steward,

one misstep on your part,
and I can shut down the factory.

See? This is gonna be fun
for everybody.

--Captions by VITAC--

Come to Mama!

Louise,
you're killing me here.

Gosh. Where did you learn
to play poker?

Ah, when I was doing gigs
on the road,

we'd play poker
breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

There were games
that went 72 hours straight.

Well, that's obviously
an exaggeration.

How could anybody stay up
for three nights playing poker?

D.J...sniffy, sniffy.

Ohh!

How could you play well
when you're all jacked up on...

...grape soda?

Yeah, I'm not
a grape-soda guy.

I don't know how people
could afford it.

I'd have lost this house.

Sooner.

I love grape soda. Can I have
some before I go to bed?

Uh, no, honey, grape soda
will keep you up.

Not as much
as grape soda.

Come on.

Before I go home,
I'll tuck you in.

So, Louise, now that we can
stop saying "grape soda,"

what else did you do in your
crazy rock-and-roller days?

Lots of stuff.

Probably the weirdest one

was we drank "herbal" tea
with a Shaman.

Oh.
Psychoactive herbs, right?

Yeah,
I know some other vets

who use that stuff
in their practice.

There was this one study
where they gave it

to this sad, depressed
geriatric chimpanzee.

I mean,
she was a realtough case.

I mean, she wasn't mating or
bonding with the other chimps.

She just laid in her cage
and picked at herself.

Oh, man. It's like there's
a camera in my bedroom.

Well, it turned that chimp
right around.

Really?
Yeah.

Yeah, I think it did help me
work through some stuff

from my past
that was holding me back.

I wouldn't recommend it, though.
It's pretty rough on the body.

Well, I don't care
how rough it is on the body.

I'll take it if it gets me
through another day

of shopping
for other people's groceries.

I mean,
i-it was fun at first,

but, man, I need
a creative outlet.

I'm a storyteller.

Really?

'Cause this story just seems
to be about you whining.

Hey, hey. I am grateful
to have a job, okay?

But it's tough.

Got chewed out today
for not picking up

gluten-free ice cream
for a kid's party.

I mean, so the kid farts
on his birthday.

He can blow out the candles
any way he wants, right?

Hey!
Hey.

Guess who got promoted
to line supervisor today.

Ohh!
Ohh!Oh! Becky!

Yeah, that would make
more sense, right?

But no.

It's this charmless
bag of sadness.

Aww.
Yep.

Get right with
your maker, folks.

It's clearly
the end of days.

Oh. Hey.
Good for you, honey.

About time one of us
caught a break.

Hey. We got to
celebrate this.

Yeah.
This is big.

First Conner to chew her way
through the wall

into the executive suite.

They can patch up the hole,
but it's too late! We're in!

Yay!

To Darlene,
moving up in the world!

Yeah!

That's right!
Moving up!

Congratulations,
Darlene.

Uh, I mean, I got a promotion,
and we didn't do squat,

but this is still great.

I got made union rep, and nobody
gave a crap about that, either.

To Darlene!

To my successful mom...

who's gonna be using her raise
to buy me new boots.

You've never had the chance
to buy my love before,

but now you can.

Yeah.
Put your glass down.

I'm gonna use the extra money
from the raise

to try to catch up
on bills.

Well, I just want
to s-say that, uh...

this is a tremendous
accomplishment.

You mean
standing up to speak?

I am celebrating
Darlene's promotion,

and if you cared about her,
you'd be drinking, too.

I'm an alcoholic.

Well, you should've thought
about that earlier.

And you are something else,
you know?

And it's not about
the money or the title.

It's really about you being
rewarded for your hard work

at a time when so many

are feeling utter,
bottomless despair.

To despair!
Yeah!

I'll drink to that.

Hey.
Hey.

You okay?

I am fantastic.

Are you sure
you need another drink?

Well, well...yeah.

Uh...listen.

I know you're down
about your job lately,

but, um,
things can change.

I mean, they turned
around for me,

and they're going to
for you, too.

Mm.

That is right, and I know
what could turn it around.

Podcasting.

Paper media is dead.

Radio is the future.

Really? 'Cause I thought
talking pictures

was the next big thing.

No.
Podcasts.

And what are the most popular
podcasts about?

Food and true crime.

Okay. Yeah. You know what?
I guess that makes sense.

You love to cook and you used to
have a mugshot magazine.

Whoa! I hadn't
even thought of that!

But --

But, hey,
tonight is not about me.

It is about you.

And I am just
so proud of you.

Yeah, you keep
saying that.

How about we get you
some coffee?

Mnh. No.

You're the big shot.
Huh?

I should be
getting coffee for you.

I'm gonna go look for some
in the back of your car,

and if I don't find any,

I'm just gonna wet myself
and pass out.

Hey, Dan. We have
the whole house to ourselves.

Darlene and the kids won't
be back for a couple hours.

I'm way ahead of you.

We move out before
they get back, right?

H-Hey, Dan!
Louise!

Uh, hi, you guys.
You ever knock or call first?

Well, here's the thing.

Neville and I drank
the tea.

Okay.

The tea, Dan.
The herbal tea.

Oh, God. You did it?

About 45 minutes ago.

Uh, yeah, but you're
not supposed to do
that by yourselves.

You're supposed to have a Shaman
to keep watch over you.

Yeah, that's gonna be you guys.
You're the Shamans.

Gee, Jackie, I hope you don't
think I was recommending this.

Well,
you're the one that said

it might've helped you
overcome past trauma,

'cause I've tried everything
from therapy

to voodoo
to quit sabotaging myself,

and nothing's worked, so I want
to be as happy as that monkey!

Yeah, uh, you know,

you shouldn't have just gone
and drank that tea.

You have no idea how
you're gonna react to it.

No, I can see how I'm
reacting to it.

There's a clarity
to the universe

that I've never seen
before.

I can actually feel
the Earth spinning.

I'm gonna throw up.

Where should I throw up?

Are you guys
picky about it?

Bathroom's that way,
Neville!

Hey,
what's all this for?

I am doing a podcast
about the top two things

Americans
are most obsessed with.

Let me guess.
Sex and money.

And football.

Uh, and -- and pizza
and squirrels

who sit on little picnic benches
and eat tiny food.

Sex and squirrels.
Final answer.

Wrong.

It's about
true crime and food,

which is why
I'm calling my podcast

"Whatever Doesn't Kill You
Makes You Hungry."

So what's
the first episode about?

Well, I have got
a historian coming

from the University of Chicago
who's done some digging

into the Sweeney Todd
legend.

Hey! I know that!

Johnny Depp plays a guy
who kills a lot of people,

but they're happy to die
because it's better

than listening
to him sing.

Well, it's close.

It's about a barber who turns
his customers into pies.

About the desperation
of lower-class London

and how moral boundaries
eroded

to allow the most unthinkable
of crimes.

Wow.

I love stories about
people who eat people.

They're the luckiest people
in the world.

Ah! Hey!
You're back.

Hey.
What's going on?

Well, it's all here,

all the stuff I need
for my podcast.

Oh, your podcast?

I can't believe
you even remember that.

Are you kidding?
First thing this morning.

I found all this equipment
on Craigslist.

400 bucks.

400 bucks?

That's actually
a really good deal.

The guy was high as a kite,
so I took advantage of him,

if it was even his stuff.

Uh, hey, Becky, could you give
me and Ben a minute to talk?

Sure.
When the cops come,

am I supposed to say I've seen
this equipment or what?

Thank you for being
so supportive last night.

I got to admit,
I was

a little rattled
at your celebration,

so I had to put on
a brave face.

It's all good now.

I've got my thing,
you've got your thing,

and we both got things.

Okay.

Yeah. Alright.

You know, maybe if you've
got something fun to do,

then it'll make going to work
a little easier.

Well, that's the thing.

This isgoing to be
my work now.

I quit Instacart.

Wait.
You quit your job?

I know it's radical,
but I am telling you,

this is gonna be great
for us.

Oh, if you see Neville,

he's gonna tell you
he's a butterfly.

Don't disagree with him.

I don't care
what you say, Mom!

Even if the milk is free,
they will buy the cow

because the milk
is that good!

Aw.

You know, it's probably
hard for you to remember

because you are
out of your mind,

but again,
I'm not your mom.

Oh.
I wish you weremy mom.

Would it be okay
if I curled up in your lap?

Oh, not even a little.

Could you pet my head?

I feel safe with you.

I never felt safe
with my mom

because she was
always telling me

all the things
that were wrong with me.

Well, we don't all
get great moms.

My mom always said that I would
O.D. on drugs at 27.

Joke's on her.

I turned away from the light
just to stick it to her.

Oh, my God.

You didn't die because you were
supposed to be here now.

Sure.

It's all
been building to this.

Look, it's pretty clear

that you've been trying
to find things from men

that you couldn't get
from your mother.

Are you saying
that I wanted sex from my mom?

Oh, my God!
This isan awakening.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
Let's try it this way.

You see, there is a Jackie
inside that was created

by things your mom said.

Now, you know how you just
threw up a minute ago?

Yeah.

You just threw up
the damaged Jackie,

the not-good-enough
Jackie,

the doesn't-deserve-
a-relationship Jackie.

Oh.

It looked like
apple pie.

No, it was the Jackie
that's been holding you back.

All she was was words,

and you just
threw them up.

Oh, my God.

I did.
I see it now.

And now you can
create a new Jackie,

and she can be
anyone you want.

A Jackie that's perfect
and deserves unconditional love?

That's a question.
Make it a statement.

I'm a Jackie
that's perfect

and deserves
unconditional love!

I'm a pony! Yee-whoo!

So, the doctor says, "Hugh, you
got holes the size of quarters

in your lower colon.

You just weren't built
for the high-stakes excitement

of the plastics game."

We love you, Hugh!

The last thing I want to say
is don't trust management.

They're a bunch of snakes.
God bless.

I'd like to introduce
our newest snake,

our beloved Hugh's
replacement --

Darlene "Cobra" Conner!

Alright.

Thank you, thank you.

So, I've only had this job
for three hours,

but I can feel the hatred

shooting through
your eyes already.

Uh, we have a new policy --

Hugh would've told you
if he had any guts,

but apparently
those are dissolving --

that from now on,

sick leave will be considered
vacation time.

-What?
-So let's have some cake.

Seriously?

You're trying to take away
our vacation time?

You do that,
and I'm organizing a walkout.

Yeah!
Yeah!Yeah!

Congratulations
on your first day.

I think it's going
really well.

It's tough replacing someone
everyone loves.

Especially when you're
somebody no oneloves.

Not in the mood, Becky.

Ooh,
trouble in SisterLand?

SisterLand was shut down
in the '80s

after people were hurt
on the rides.

It's Ben.

The minute I got
this promotion

and we could finally
put a few bucks away,

he quit his job.

He's seeking his fortune as
the podcast king of our kitchen.

The poor guy's been floundering
ever since he lost the magazine.

He's finally found
something he wants to do.

No,
it's not just that.

He's being weird
about my promotion.

Yeah, some men
get a little screwy

when their partners start
making more money than they do.

It's a thing, right?

Husbands one and two
had a big thing about it.

My career
started to take off

and they just
couldn't handle it.

Maybe calling them "husband one"
and "husband two"

also affected
their self-worth.

That's why I call
husband number three "Carl."

I've learned
to just be supportive

of whatever mindless,
idiotic stuff they come up with.

Whatever happened to trying to
build a relationship on honesty?

Look, honey, I've had
a 15-year relationship

with a wonderful man,

all built on a foundation
of little white lies

and fantasies of me cheating
on him with Eric in accounting.

So my only option
is to lie to boost Ben's ego

and fantasize
about someone in accounting?

Yes, but not Eric.

It's bad form to have dream sex
with your boss's fake boyfriend.

Thanks, Becky.

Why don't you take
the rest of the afternoon off?

I'm just kidding.
You're hanging by a thread here.

Is that electrolyte
stuff helping?

Because you literally took it
out of the mouth of a baby.

Was Beverly Rose
tripping yesterday?

I don't think so.

Oh, look who's back,
Mr. Everything is Beautiful.

You know
what's not beautiful?

This bath mat that was covered
in your revelations.

Aw.

Sorry about that.

Hey, Jackie.
Hey.

How you feeling?

Oh, stronger by the minute.
How about you?

Well, I didn't have
a lot to purge,

but I am more accepting
of my longer second toe.

I just wish I could've been
there for you.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Louise was there for me,
and she helped me see

that I really do deserve
something good in my life.

Does that include me?

Yes, Neville, I think
that that could include you.

That's really fantastic!

But I got to warn ya.

I think a lot more of myself
now, so...

...I might be a handful.

You can find all the recipes for
the dishes I talked about today

on the website.

Thank you for listening.

And, uh, join us again
next week.

And remember,
don't kill where ya eat!

Huh?
It's good stuff, right?

Yeah.
Can I talk to you for a sec?

Sure.

Alright.

So, I was talking to Robin
today at work,

and she was saying how it can be
challenging for a couple

when the woman starts, you know,
achieving career goals

and climbing the ladder,

and the guy is, you know,
doing a podcast.

Okay.

So, she said

that I should be sensitive
to how you feel

and make sure
to validate your choices

and -- Yeah, I'm not
gonna do any of that.

Because unlike my boss,
I cannot afford

for a partner
not to be bringing in money.

I know. I know.
And I did the research.

This is gonna pay off for us
in the long run.

But it might not.

I mean, you should've talked
to me before you quit your job,

like at the party
where you were so proud of me

that you got blind drunk.

I amproud of you.

I just haven't been
proud of me.

Watching you succeeding
reminded me that I wasn't.

Well, I'm sorry

that the one good thing
that ever happened to me

made you feel bad
about yourself.

Well, me, too.
I don't want to be that guy!

Look, I should have
celebrated you

and I should've talked to you
before I quit.

Alright, well, can't you do
the podcast andyour job?

No, because
the more I thought about it,

the more I realized
how much time all of this takes

with the writing
and the promoting,

getting advertisements.

Okay, well, isn't there
something that takes less time?

I need this, okay?

I lost faith in myself
when the magazine went under,

and I really think
that this can work.

And I need something to make me
feel good about myself again.

I know you do.

Alright.

But I warn you -- I am gonna
come home five days a week

tired and grumpy
and resentful.

Okay.

Well, that's two less days
than I'm getting now,

so it's a deal.

This is the part
where you carry me up the stairs

into the bedroom.

If you crush me,
we won't have my salary

to fund
your ridiculous podcast.

That's it.

No more sex for you.

That's fine. I can afford
to get it elsewhere.

What are you guys doing?

Well, while I was drinking
some herbal tea, it hit me.

I should be on "Jeopardy!"

Cool.
I want to be on "Jeopardy!"

Alright.
I'll test both of you.

"This long-running TV Western
starred James Arness."

"Gunsmoke."

What is "Gunsmoke"?

That's right.
One point for Harris.

Next question.

"This entertainer sang the
biggest-selling Christmas song

of all time,
'White Christmas.'"

Justin Bieber.
Bing Crosby.

Who is Bing Crosby?

Correct again.

Wha-- Damn it.

"This cartoon
was said to be loosely based

on two characters
from 'Back to the Future.'"

Oh, yeah, I bet
that's, uh, "Rick and Morty."

Who the hell
are Rick and Morty?

I'll give you that one,
but watch the swearing.

Yeah!