All language subtitles for The.Conners.S01E07.Hold.The.Salt.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Becky: Hey,
you're all dressed up.

You going to court?

Unlike you,
people get dressed up

for other reasons than trying
to beat a shoplifting charge.

The saleswoman said I could walk
around in the shoes.

I wanted to see
how they felt on the sidewalk.

You're a criminal.

I'm just trying to look nice
for work. That's all.

That is so cute!

You're trying
to be a girl!

This is obviously
about her new boss.

[ Gasps ] You have a crush
on your boss?
Ooh!

No, I'm just trying
to be a professional.

God, all I did was put on
a little makeup.

I heard the blow dryer.

I was blowing dust
out of the smoke alarms.

Nice try.
They're all here!

♪♪

Do you ever worry that
some of the people

in these mug shots
might be innocent.

Eh, people can think
whatever they want.

We're just reporting,
not passing judgment.

Uh, the paper's called
Lock 'Em Up.

It's kind of judge-y.

[ Laughs ]

Ooh.

This one's kind of hot.

Let's put her
on the front page.

Oh, so that's
what you're attracted to?

Blondes with most
of their teeth?

I think you know exactly
the kind of woman

I'm attracted to.

[ Clears throat ]

What are we doing?

I work for you.

I mean, this would be
complicated as hell.

Yeah, you're right.

And as your employer,

I cannot have you
feel uncomfortable

or pressured in any way.

So...you're gonna have
to make a move on me.

Do I look like a woman
with moves?

Just do what you feel
is right.

I am going to pretend
to work

and, uh, hope
for the best.

You've got a Fuji apple sticker
on your ass.

I believe
it's Golden Delicious.

Can we just go back
to work?

This is getting
too awkward.

Yes, I agree.

Um, can I borrow
your stapler?

Yes, sure.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

I'm done with my list!

We made our Christmas lists
for you, Grandpa Dan.

They're just suggestions.

Don't get your hopes up.

You're getting underwear
and a popcorn tin

from the drug store.

So, we're not getting anything
we want?

You really break my heart
when you put it like that.

But no.

But I really want
a Plushy Pet backpack.

It talks to you.

But Mark talks to you.

You don't want him to feel like
he's being replaced, do you?

You know what won't
make him feel bad?

Crayons.

Hi, guys.

Grandpa wants to give me crayons
for Christmas.

Well, we'll call Child Services
and let them sort it out.

You know, Mary, most people
refer to them as Crayolas,

but that's really
a brand name,

like Kleenex
or cellophane.

Crayola comes from the French
word "craie," meaning "chalk,"

and "oleaginous,"
meaning "oily."

Can we go
to school now?

I see I've awakened the
educational curiosity in you.

Oh, for God's sake,
let 'em go.

I'll help you pack 'em up,
Deej.

Dan,
Peter wants to talk to you.

He has a bike
that needs restoring.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

We do the same quality work
as the big guys

but cut a lot of corners
and pass the savings on to me.

This isn't a bike.

This is what you feed
to other bikes.

It's a classic Vespa.

Did you ever see
"Roman Holiday"

with Audrey Hepburn
and Gregory Peck?

It's on my "After I Die"
bucket list.

I'm sorry.
I don't fix foreign bikes.

Ah, come on.

I saw a bike like this
in that movie,

and I fell in love
with it.

The whole experience just made
me want to move to Italy.

Well, you know,
it's still there.

So, Dan?

What do you think
of the Vespa?

Well, like I told
Audrey Hepburn here,

I don't fix
foreign bikes.

Peter, could you get
the kids' Christmas presents

out of the trunk?

I'll take Audrey
or Katharine.

You can't hurt me
by comparing me to a Hepburn.

Come on.

Dan, I bought it for Peter
for Christmas

because I knew
you could restore it.

You bought this
for him?

That's got to be
at least three grand.

You don't have
that kind of money.

I know it's a lot,
but we're both gonna enjoy it.

Me sitting behind him,

my cheek pressed
against his back

as we glide past
the Trevi fountain.

That's Rome.
This is Lanford.

We don't have fountains.

We have a pipe that
spills sewage into the river.

You're doing it for me,
not for him.

Definitely not doing it
for him.

You sure you're gonna be riding
on this thing?

Of course I am.

Okay, then.

I'll make sure
the brakes work, too.

♪♪

So, how was work
with hunky boss man?

Um, we, you know,
got along fine.

Fine?

That's your version
of being overjoyed.

You had sex with him.

All I did was borrow
his stapler,

and then thank him.

Twice on his desk.

And how was it?

Well, if you got to know,
um...

the sex was incredible.

So you've only had sex
with two guys,

so you don't know good
from bad.

Let's just say
it was average.

Well,
Ben must've liked it.

He asked me over
to his apartment for dinner,

and I can't wait to go.

Oh, so it's gonna be
a relationship.

I smell disaster.

Look, I know
you're thinking that

because I'm so spun out
over Mom

and divorcing David
and money problems.

You think I'm moving faster
than I should

because I'm just looking
for a quick emotional fix.

No, this isn't about you being
an emotional train wreck.

That's too obvious.

This is about
your uncanny ability

to pick the wrong guy
for you.

It's nice to be able
to share this with you.

And you're completely wrong.

Ben is finally
the right guy.

He's strong and confident,
and he knows what he wants.

That's even worse.

That's like two stubborn trains
heading towards each other

on the same track.

[ Imitates crash ]

You think I'm locked
into this little prison

that I made for myself

dating meek guys
that I can push around,

and it's not true --
I've changed.

Really?

We shared a room
for years.

When you accused me of having
my Marky Mark poster

on your side of the room,
instead of asking me to move it,

you cut out
Marky's eyes.

I've just never seen you
this excited about a guy.

I don't want you
to fool yourself

into thinking it's gonna be
all unicorns and rainbows.

Be prepared for a rainstorm
and a horse head in the bed.

Wow, most pregnant women
are positive.

That's gonna be
one bitter little baby

when it finally makes a break
for it.

Hey, Dan.

Jackie said
I could find you here.

Yeah, I like it here.

The food's bad,
and that keeps people away

so I can drink in peace.

I just wanted to pay you
for the parts

so that you could get
started.

Are you okay
with a check?

Sure.
If it bounces,

you're not gonna outrun me
on Barbie's Dream Scooter.

Oh, you and Jackie have
an account together.

When did this happen?

Last week.

We put my name
on her account

so that we could save money
on fees

by commingling
our finances.

No biggie.

Commingling means two people
mingling money.

Do you have anything
to mingle?

Not at the moment.

I thought the master's
in Medieval Culture

would've appealed
to a wider array of employers.

But now I'm
on the right track

with Nordic history, music,
and dance.

Look,
Jackie's a good person,

and she's been single
a long time,

so her guard may not be up
right now,

but mine is.

You're taking advantage
of my sister-in-law.

No, I'm not.

I'm gonna pay her back
every penny,

including tuition.

She's paying
your tuition?

That's between me
and Jackie.

Just fix the bike.

That's supposedly
what you're good at.

Excuse me?

[ Sighs ]

Don't start a war of wits
with me, Dan.

You're unarmed.

Touché.
And since I am without wit,

I'll take you out back

and rub your face
against the bricks.

Mm, of course.

The uneducated man
resorts to violence.

So predictable.

Excuse me.
Hold on.

Don't leave
without your check.

Ow.

[ Knock on door ]

Hey.

Right on time.

You look beautiful.

I already slept with you,
so let's just be cool.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, oh.
I'm so sorry,

but would you mind
just taking off your shoes?

I, uh -- I read
this scientific thing

about what you bring
into your house

on the bottom of your shoes,

and it kind of
freaked me out.

Oh, yeah, did you not know
the ground was dirty

before reading that?

[ Laughs ]

But, um, still just rather
not take my shoes off,

makes me feel shorter.

I'd rather you would.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, let's just...

So, I am making vegan paella,
huh?

So if you would like to open up
a bottle of wine,

anything red on the bottom row
should be fine.

Oh, this white looks
pretty good.

Oh, uh, actually,
red usually stands up better

to a tomato-sauce base.

Any bottle
on the bottom row there.

You know, the red.

Uh, if you hate it,
then we can open up a white.

Yeah, I just tried it
in my mind, and I hated it.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, try it in a glass.

You might like it.

Uh, how about I just help you
with the food?

Sure,
that would be great.

You can stir the paella.

Hey,
I'm glad you're here.

Me, too.

Huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's better to add salt
at the table.

Well, let me just add
a little,

and you'll see
that you like it.

I tried it in my mind,
and I hated it.

You can't just grab something
out of my hand like I'm a child.

I'm sorry.

May I have the salt?

No.
Please let go.

No, you let go.

It's my salt.

I'll buy you a new one.

I asked you to stir,
not season.

I thought
you're glad I'm here.

I am. I'm just not glad
you're seasoning.

Why are you fighting
with me?

I --

Man, I spent hours
getting everything ready

to show you
a nice evening.

Why can't you just relax,
enjoy yourself?

Why can't you just let me
enjoy myself

the way
I want to enjoy myself?

Because the only way
that you can enjoy yourself

is by making me
not enjoy myself.

Oh, well, I'm sorry
I'm ruining your evening.

I'm getting my shoes.

You can't wear them
in here.

I know.

Well,
where are you going?

Home, to cook in my shoes
and salt everything.

-Hi, there.
-Oh, hi.

What are you doing here?

I-I'm sorry.
That sounded rude.

Uh, what are you doing here
instead of David,

who I wish was here
instead of you?

Well, he couldn't come,

so I'll be going over the kids'
Christmas lists with you.

I'll just wait for you
at that table.

Just throw something
in a cup.

I got to get out of here.

The real reason I'm here

is I'm having some problems
with David.

Mm.

Well, look, I really don't
want to get involved,

and I got to go back
to the counter

so someone
doesn't grab my c--

Oh.

Thank you for doing something
you guys rarely do

at the worst possible time.

Okay, so, the problem
with David

is he's afraid
to make decisions.

It doesn't matter
if it's choosing a doctor

or potato chips.

How did you deal
with that?

I can't help you.
I found the fact

that he was born
without a backbone

one of his best features.
[ Scoffs ]

I guess I'm just gonna have
to get him to see a therapist.

Just don't over-fix him.

There are guys that want
to make all the decisions,

and that's
way more annoying.

You seem super tense.

Uh, what ya doing there?

I used to be
a massage therapist.

Are you dating a guy
who's bossy?

Uh, I-I really don't want
to talk about this with you.

Sometimes saying it out loud
really helps.

Just pretend
like I'm not even here.

Oh, I like that.

Um...

All right, uh,
I started dating my boss.

He's really controlling,
and, you know,

I don't think
it's gonna work out.

Well, one thing I learned
in a previous job,

before massage therapy,

is that people who have
a lot of responsibilities,

secretly, they want to give up
control to someone else.

Nobody I know.

Oh, believe me.

Once they were strapped in
and had the mask on

and gave up total control
to me,

they --
they seemed pretty happy.

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ]

Um, unless you were
an anesthesiologist,

I think you're telling me
you were a dominatrix.

It was a long time ago,

and I was the opposite
of an anesthesiologist.

I, you know, brought
a lot of pain.

And the one thing
I learned

is that giving up control
can make people happier.

Yeah, not this guy.

He wouldn't even give up
the salt.

I'm talking about you.

Give him a chance to lead.

You might like it.

Well,
thanks for the advice.

Oh, and by the way,

now that I know
you're a dominatrix,

you and David make
way more sense.

I'm here to write you a check
for the Vespa parts.

Heard you had a nice chat
with Peter.

We had a chat.

What'd you talk about?

Oh, we touched on
a lot of things.

We had a wide-ranging discussion
about a variety of topics.

Did you threaten to loofah
his face with a brick wall?

We may have covered that.

And did you talk about
how you think

he's taking advantage of me

and how I'm
a stupid old woman?

No.

Have you noticed
that I'm talking

increasingly louder
and louder?

I -- I had begun to notice that,
yes.

How dare you talk
to my boyfriend

about things that are private
between him and me?

You're in denial
about this guy.

All you do is give,
and all he does is take.

You're totally wrong.

He treats me well, Dan.

It's an equal relationship,
and he gives me so much.

We have fun together.

We talk.
We -- We -- We discuss books.

He brings me pancakes
in bed.

I don't think you understand
how much pancakes cost.

You asked me to be
a sounding board

like Rosie used to be.

I'm just doing
what she would've done.

Roseanne would've
come to me first

and tried to break down
my self-esteem

until I broke up with him,

and you did not show me
the same respect.

Look, I'm keeping my eye
on this guy.

I don't want to see you
get hurt.

Well,
thank you for caring.

I'm a grown woman.
I can handle myself.

Do we understand
each other?
We do.

And we both know
that we love each other.
We do.

And if you ever do something
like this again,

I will move in here,
and so help me,

I will bring Mom
with me.

Morning.

Good morning.

Okay, come on. Are we gonna talk
about last night or what?

Oh, not necessary.

Last night was personal.

This is business.

Let's just work.

If that's what you want.

So, I know you wanted
to do a cover of mug shots,

people who were all born
this month

and call it
"Born Under a Bad Sign,"

but I was thinking of doing
a grouping by hair color

and calling it
"Blondes Have More Guns."

Sounds fine.

That's a weird way
of saying something sucks.

No, really.
It's fine.

Um, certainly not worth
fighting over.

Well, since you're in
such an agreeable mood,

here's another idea
I just had.

We do an all-woman edition
under the headline

"Bitches Be Crazy."

That may not be
well-received.

I think you're pushing
my buttons,

but I'm not gonna
give in.

I'm just gonna sit here
and try to find

the pressure points
that my dominatrix taught me.

More on that later.

But...

Come on. Let's talk about
last night, please?

I am sorry
that I got upset.

You know, I'm just used to being
the only alpha

in a relationship.

Me too.

Can two alphas have
a relationship that works?

Both of us
just have to let go.

So, you're saying we just have
a relationship

with no plan at all,
no safeguards,

nobody leading,
just trust --

Oh, I can't breathe.

Okay, so,
I am gonna trust you.

You're gonna trust me.

And we may end up ripping
each other's hearts out.

I'm in.

Me too.

All right,
let's get back to work.

Hey, who tore the eyes
out of the hot blonde

that was going
on the cover?

Could've been anybody.
Bitches be crazy.

Harris: Can I talk to you guys
for a minute?

I have a question
about relationships.

[ Both groan ]

Okay, so, there's this boy
at school that I want to date,

but he wants me
to be exclusive.

How do I decide?

Don't ask anybody
about your relationships.

They just want to get
all up in your business.

It's a big aggravation.

Die alone.
It's easier.

Mom?

Oh, man.

Relationship dynamics
are so complicated.

You zig,
and then they zag,

then you zig,
and then they zig.

It's all like
one big cosmic yank.

I guess
I'll go ask Aunt Becky.

No, no, no, no!
No, no!

Tell us more!
Tell us more about this boy.