All language subtitles for The.Conners.S01E06.One.Flew.Over.The.Conners.Nest.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Hello, everybody!

-[ Groans ]
-Oh, hey, Aunt Jackie.

Haven't seen you
in a while.

You and Peter must be
really hitting it off.

Uh, actually,
my days are free.

You know Peter --
he's got his classes

in early European culture,

and he's
a falconer in training

at the Renaissance Faire.

He wears tights.

Kind of
put me off at first,

but now I dig it.

I don't get it.

It's just a bunch
of smelly hippies

running around
eating giant turkey legs.

Ooh, I was shot at
by the Taliban

so people could do that.

Well, well, well,
looky here,

it's a letter
from the City of Lanford.

I know what that is --

"Clean up your yard
or we'll do it."

All right, gang,

anything you don't want,
put in the yard.

Nope.

It's a permit
to start construction

on a backyard chicken coop.

Oh, I waited at the mailbox
for two weeks

and it comes today.

[ Laughs ]

This is gonna be great.
I applied for this

so we could have eggs
that are organic and healthy,

and think about how much money
we're gonna save.

How big do you think
our egg budget is?

No way
we're doing this.

You won't even know
it's here.

I'll handle everything.

Except, of course,
building it.

You'd have to do that.

We don't need to
build anything.

I think the chickens will be
plenty warm right in here.

-Hey.
-Hi.

-Hey.
-Hi, kids. How was school today?

And wouldn't coming home
be even better

if you had
your very own chicken coop?

We're getting
a chicken coop?

I want that so bad!

What is it?

Mary, what would
you name your chicken?

Don't.

Cornflakes.
I love her so much already!

Please, Grandpa?

We don't have any pets.

I have no way to pay forward
the love you give me.

Please, Grandpa Dan?

Fine.

I'll build you
a chicken coop.

[ Cheering ]

Well, if we don't make
the hillbilly hall of fame now,

I don't know
what else we can do.

Is Aunt Jackie
picking me up soon?

Pretty soon.

Now that you're done
with the tables,

I'm gonna let you
marry all the ketchups.

No kid has been allowed
to do that before.

We're reading
"Tom Sawyer" this year.

I know
what you're doing.

You know, I was as smart as you,
and look what happened!

Mark ready to go?

Not yet.
He's having fun!

Let him stay a bit.

Whatcha got there? Huh?

It's just a quiz.

[ Gasps ] Oh!

"Are you financially ready
to start a family?"

I love these quizzes!

Did you know
I'm a woman other women hate?

I know it's just
a dumb magazine quiz,

but I'm really stressed about
being able to afford a baby.

Do you have six months
of emergency savings?

Who has that?

I'm a single
working mom.

I'm gonna need day care,
I'm gonna need insurance,

I'm gonna need
baby furniture.

That's not counting
unexpected things.

Like what?
I don't know.
They're unexpected!

Look,
I did the whole quiz.

I am completely
financially unprepared

to have a baby --
I'm screwed.

Look how much money
you're saving

by not drinking
while you're pregnant.

What's that?

You know,
600, 700 bucks a month.

Is that really
how much you think I drink?

That is so hurtful.

That's like $20 a day.

Huh, it might
be that much.

Maybe more.

Yeah,
I'm just saying.

You know,
you're doing really good

not drinking
for the baby.

How many days has it been?

21 brutal days.

But, you know, working at a bar
and serving drinks all day

really keeps my mind
off it.

The ketchups are married.

Oh, somebody wrote
"Aunt Becky sucks"

on the wall back there.

Could've been anybody.

-See you later.
-Bye, Aunt Becky.

[ Clears throat ]

Oh, Andrea!

Jackie!
Hi. I saw you
on Facebook.

Congratulations
on the baby!

Thank you so much.
That really means a lot.

I'm sorry
I had to block you.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I get it.

I'm a woman
other women hate.

-Great catching up.
-Yeah.

Andrea. Hey!
Hey, Becky.

What are you
doing here?

Oh, well,
I saw your Instagram post

about
the drink of the month.

Candy-cane margarita
sounded fantastic,

so I came down.

It's really just
a regular margarita

with a little
crushed-up Altoid in it.

Come on, you didn't
come all the way here

just for a drink.

Truth?

I wanted to talk to you.

Why me?

When we were going through
the surrogacy together,

I always felt like
I could talk to you

and you wouldn't
judge me.

Well, not to your face.
That's not cool.

So what's wrong?

Remember how bad
I wanted a baby?

Yeah.

I can't find
that feeling anymore.

I'm really struggling
with being a mom.

But look how cute he is.

Yeah, it's 'cause
he's sleeping.

I never realized
how selfish babies can be.

I mean,
they never leave you alone.

How hard is it
to get away from a baby?

You just put it down
and walk away.

The baby's
not gonna find you.

I'm sorry. It's just
really been a rough day.

But you have money.

Don't you have nannies
and stuff?

Yeah, I have nannies,
I have a diaper service,

I have food delivery, and it's
still virtually impossible.

I mean, I have no idea
how poor people do it.

Wow. So you really regret
having a baby?

You have no idea how
lucky you are that you can't.

Oh, yeah.
Boy, am I lucky.

Mnh! Oh, my God.

Oh.
What am I doing?

It's the Altoid.
It's weird, right?

No.

[ Sniffles ]
No, it's not that.

I might as well
tell you.

I'm pregnant.

You are gonna...

love being a mom!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

So, I just got bored
of being retired.

I was gonna travel,

but turns out
I'm frightened

of people
different than me.

So, maybe stick to
the Cracker Barrel

and you'll be fine.

Here you go.

Oops.

Dropped your tip.
Nice try.

I'm not bending down
so you can look at my ass again.

Didn't mean
to insult you.

How about...

for a $10?

[ Scoffs ]

Wow.
Thank you.

What a jerk!

He tried to
make me bend down for $10.

Management won't do anything
'cause he's a high roller.

Here's how
I deal with creepy guys.

I say, "Show me yours,
and I'll show you mine."

Most of the time,
it works,

but the rest of the time,
it's pretty gross.

Hey, guys.

Do you mind
if I sit down?

I had kind of
a crazy day.

What can I get you?

Actually, we wanted
to talk to you first.

If either of you
had a bad reaction

to the chiles rellenos
last night,

I have a form
for you to fill out.

No.
It's not that.

Um, look, we know
that you're worried

about raising
this baby alone,

and you know that
we've been looking to adopt.

So what would
you think about

maybe all of us
doing this together?

What do you mean?

We'd adopt your baby,
and we'd all raise it.

I mean, the baby
would live with us,

but you'd be over
all the time,

and we'd pay
all the expenses.

Wow.

I did not
see this coming.

We know
you have to work,

and I work
out of the house,

so I could be with the baby
all day,

and Bridget
has great benefits.

Post office.

This is a lot.

Just need
some time to think.

I'll be right back
with your food.

We didn't order.

Just eat
whatever she brings you.

We're trying
to get a baby.

Good morning, Dad.

Is it?

That would indicate
that I've slept.

I've been up all night,
like many accomplished men,

knocking cats off
my chicken coop with a broom.

I can't believe
we built a coop for chickens.

I mean, I could never even
get a tree house.

You broke your wrist
walking across a room.

We weren't gonna
put you in a tree.

Cornflakes has an STD!

No, honey,
the vet said she has PTSD.

According to the vet,

Cornflakes was traumatized
by the cat attack.

We can expect loss of appetite,
irritability,

possibly night terrors.

Okay, Mark.

Take Cornflakes
out to the coop.

Well, actually,
until Cornflakes stabilizes,

she needs to
live in the house,

and she also
has a tranquilizer

she needs to take
every four hours.

The doctor recommends that
we take turns holding her

until she falls asleep.

The chicken is not
living in the house with us.

I never thought
I'd have to say that.

Come on, guys.

Let's put Cornflakes
back in the coop.

This is insane!

My back is killing me
because I've been up all night

dealing with
kamikaze cats

hurling themselves at
a chicken coop

in my backyard!

Next time you have
a harebrained idea,

do it at your house.

Big man,
king of England,

too good to have a chicken
living in his house.

Well, la-di-da!

Did you finish laying out
those ads for the next issue?

Just about.

I'm just looking for
another way to make some money.

I'm getting real tired
of this one customer

at the casino
harassing me.

What,
is he touching you?

Oh, no.

I mean,
not yet, anyway.

I'll tell you what,
if he does -- come here.

Let me show you a move that'll
really cripple the guy.

[ Chuckles ]

Put your hand
on my shoulder.

Okay.
All right, like that.

And you're gonna put your hand
on top of his hand,

thumb on his knuckles,
right?

You know, I think
I got a better way.

Better way
is good, yeah.

[ Clears throat ]
All right.

Look, with guys,

it's all about
intimidation, right?

You just got to have that
crazy look in your eyes

that says, "I won't stop
until you're dead,

and then
I'll kill your ghost!"

Now, show me
your look.

It's not just eyes.

This is...

primal animal stuff,
you know?

You just got to
make 'em feel threatened!
Holy crap!

That was terrifying.

Hey, thank you.

Okay, now you go.

Okay. Um...

Raah!

It's --
It's a good start.

It's not frightening,

but, um...odd,

and, uh, unsettling.
[ Chuckles ]

Let's finish this later.

We need to
get back to work.

[ Roars ]
Whoa. Hey.

[ Laughing ] Hey!

Better! Yes!

Now it's jarring
and off-putting.

Damn straight it is.

♪♪

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Lock disengages ]

Becky, it's late.
You okay?

I've just been walking around
the last two hours,

and I think
I've made a decision.

I want to do
that thing

where I raise the baby
with you guys.

Really?

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, my God.

Maria!

Come down here!

We're getting a baby!

Maria: What?!

Hold on.

We're getting
Becky's baby.

[ Squeals ]

[ Chuckles ]
She's happy.

Do you want to come in
and celebrate?

I think I got
some sparkling cider.

Nah,
I should get going.

We can talk later.

It's gonna be awesome.

Yeah, it is.
Thank you so much.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

[ Light switch clicks ]

♪♪

[ Christmas music plays on TV ]

[ Door closes ]

Darlene!
[ Gasps ] What?!

Oh, God.

What are you doing here?
What time is it?

It's 2:00
in the morning.

I just did something,

and I need to
talk to you about it.

Can it wait?
It could.

But I just agreed
to give my baby

to a lesbian couple
from the restaurant.

Well, now
you've got me hooked.

Go on.

You remember Bridget and Maria
from high school?

Yeah.

They offered me
this arrangement

where they said we could
all raise the baby together,

but they would
actually adopt it.

Becky,
why would you do that?

Why wouldn't you
come to me first?

Because
I'm freaked out.

I think that
I'm gonna suck as a mom.

And I was
talking to Andrea,

and she has
all the help in the world,

and she's falling apart.

But you're not Andrea.

Before the baby,
she had a pretty good life.

You don't
have that problem.

You've already
fallen apart.

You don't get it.

Well, look.

Becky, I know
you're worried about money,

but m-maybe we'll
just figure out a way

to get you
some assistance.

It's not
just about that.

Then what is it about?

Ever since
I've been pregnant,

I can't stop thinking
about having a drink.

[ Voice breaking ]
I'm a drunk, Darlene.

And...

I don't want to
screw up some kid's life.

I-I'm sorry.
This is a lot to take in.

Um...

I think
I need some coffee.

I was in the middle
of a crazy dream.

Everybody in the family
was happy,

and Dad had
the head of a chicken.

Okay, I don't think
I understand.

I mean, I know
you're struggling,

but you're stronger
than you think you are.

I mean, you stopped drinking
on a dime

when you found out
you were pregnant.

Yesterday, I almost drank
a candy-cane margarita.

God, you must be
an alcoholic.

Who else
would drink that?

See?
That's what I mean.

How could I
be a good mother?

I don't want
my kid taken away

and turned over
to family services.

Okay, I don't think
that's gonna happen.

I believe
you're gonna stay sober.

But, I mean, I don't want
to be stupid about this.

I know there are
some people who can't.

So, if you're
one of those people,

then I'll have to step in
and take care of your baby

until you get
your act together.

What if I can't
get my act together?

Then we sell it.

I mean...

Emilio's a good-looking guy.
You're pretty cute.

I think we can get
top dollar.

I can't do this.

You already have
too much on your plate.

Well, then we'll get
the whole family to help out.

Becky,
we're not gonna let

your baby
fall through the cracks.

Oh, my God,
what if I start doing crack?

Okay,
you're just panicking.

You can do this.

[ Sighs ]
You would not have
come over here

if you thought
you were doing the right thing.

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

[ Inhales sharply ]

I'm gonna tell them
I changed my mind.

I'm gonna
keep the baby.

I don't think I've ever
felt this close to you.

Thank you
for not being

a judgmental little troll
for once.

♪♪

What are you gonna do
with the chickens?

I'm taking Cornflakes home.

The other three are going to
a chicken rescue.

There's a chicken rescue?

Not just chickens.

Parrots, got a couple
of hawks.

I heard they had one of
the "Harry Potter" owls, so...

[Clears throat]
I'm figuring it's a good place.

The chickens could stay.

I just didn't want Cornflakes
in the house.

Why don't you say
what you really mean, Dan?

You just don't want me
in the house.

Where are you
getting that from?

Let's finally
get this out.

The only reason you ever
put up with me coming over

is because
my sister wanted me here.

And?

You're so thick-headed.

Why do you think
the chickens are here?

I have no damn idea.

Oh, so you want me
to say it, don't you?

Okay! I thought if there was
a chicken coop here,

you'd need somebody
to help you with it.

That would give me an excuse
to come over every day.

So, you thought
if you forced me

to become
a chicken farmer,

I'd want you here more?

Yeah.

Wasn't a perfect plan.

Listen, Jackie,
when Roseanne was alive,

you'd come over,
and I'd give you a hard time.

Now, that worked
for 40 years.

I see no reason
to change it now.

So, then, why doesn't anybody
ever call me

and invite me over?!

You don't need to be invited
because you're always here!

And why would you need
an invite?

You're family.

So...

you want me here,

and if I didn't come over,
you'd miss me?

Yeah, sure.
Why not?

There we go --
the reluctant compliment.

Dan -- our little game
continues!

Come here!

[ Both laugh ]

Are you still gonna
take Cornflakes home?

Oh, yeah,
just for a week.

Mom says
she's deathly afraid of birds.

We're gonna find out
if that's true,

aren't we, Cornflakes?

Hey.

What are you
doing here?

Eh, no reason.

Maybe gamble.

Thought maybe
I'd go find that guy

who's been bothering you
and say hey.

Punch him
till he's unconscious.

Wait.

So, as my boss,

you just decided to
come down here and protect me?

There's no other feelings
motivating this?

What other feelings
could I have

that would motivate this?

I don't know.
You tell me.

No, you tell me.

Some people might say

it feels like
a boyfriend move?

No!

What?
No.

[ Chuckles ]
What?!

[ Laughs ] No.
That wouldn't be appropriate.

And I think that
you questioning my intentions

is kind of
a girlfriend move.

What?
No.

What?!
No.

[ Both chuckle ]

Hey.

Thanks for not saying anything
about the outfit.

What outfit?

Here you go.
[ Sighs ]

Tell you what.

Sit on my lap
for good luck,

and I'll split
my winnings with you.

You know what?
I have a better idea.

What the hell?

You know
I'm gonna get you fired.

Oh, I'm gonna quit
before you do.

I win again!

I just threw a drink
in the creep's face,

and I'm quitting.

Really?
Yeah.

And you know what gave me
the courage to do it?

The fact that you're giving me
a raise and medical.

And it's so great

because I didn't think
I could stay sober

after the baby was born,

which is why
I agreed to your offer.

But my family
really stepped up.

I mean, my sister Darlene --
you know her from school --

she was just so supportive
and amazing,

and now I'm feeling
so good

because I feel like I can
finally be a responsible mom!

We're very happy for you.

I'm going on break,

so Stephanie is going to
take over my section.

Don't forget to tip!