All language subtitles for The Conners S05E05 1080p WEB h264-GOSSIP (1)_track3_[eng]

**

[ Sniffs ]

Whoa! For once I come in here
and something smells good.

[ Laughs ]

It's Beverly Rose's
first day of kindergarten.

I wanted to do
something special,

so I'm making her
Cap'n Crunch pancakes

with whipped cream
and strawberries on top.

Good idea.

Get her jacked up
on sugar here

then hand her off
to her teacher.

Where's the pack
of frozen strawberries?

Oh, I was using it
as a cold pack in bed

for my sore shoulder.

If you need a cold pack,
use the frozen broccoli!

That's the only reason
we buy it.

I don't like having broccoli
that close to my mouth,

but okay.

So, the big day
is finally here.

I have a little present
for Beverly Rose.

Oh, my gosh. You're giving her
a pencil case.

Yeah. It's my old one. See?
It says, "Trust no one."

Wow. You looking
to hit on the teacher?

'Cause that
car-wash perfume says,

"Buy me a sandwich
and I'm yours."

No. I just want to make
a good impression on him.

And if he's rich
and single

and only teaching
to ease his guilt

about the money,
that's a bonus.

Okay.
So you're sucking up.

You know that sends a message
to your kid, right?

There is nothing wrong with
trying to be the teacher's pet.

You gotta work the system
to succeed.

Is that why you always
dressed like your teacher

when you were a kid?

First of all, I look great
in knit separates.

And it worked.

She loved me so much,
I doubled my wardrobe

after her husband left her
and her new love became pie.

When's Beverly Rose
coming up?

I'm here to document
the big day.

Aww! That's so sweet!
Yeah.

I want her to have good memories
of her first day of school.

My mom said
I was too plain to like,

so she told me
to put on a skirt,

climb up to the top
of the jungle gym,

and, that way,
at least I'd be popular

with the boys
on the bottom.

But it didn't work,

so she made sure
I had a wad of dollar bills

I could pass out
so the boys would talk to me.

So it was like the opposite
of being a striper.

You showed them your underwear
and gave them money.

You are correct!

I'm putting a note
in Beverly Rose's lunch.

Aww.

I made sandwich
in the shape of a heart.

Tell me
if this is too much.

[Voice breaking]
"When you eat this,

my heart will be
in your tummy all day."

[ Camera whirs ]

You know,
I knew this would be

a really emotional morning
for you...

[ Jackie laughs ]

...so I cleared
my schedule

so I could ride with you
to school for support.

You're just trying
to co-opt my moment.

I'm prepared for today.

Oh, my God!
You're really going?!

I'm not gonna see you
till noon!

I knew this would happen.

[ Camera whirs ]

So, just off the top of my head,
you want a ride?

[Crying] Yeah.

**

**

-- Captions by VITA --

[ Humming ]

[ Chuckles ]

Ooh! Man.

Gah! Unh!

Aah! Unh!

You know, they sell
ketchup in stores.

You don't have to
make your own.

Don't make fun
of the guy

holding
the skillet.

I'm almost old enough
to kill you

and not care about
doing the time.

But you'd have to kill me
with your left hand,

which I don't think
you can do.

So, I see your bursitis
is still acting up.

It'll be fine.
Fine?

A tomato just beat you

in a fight, old man.

You know, I might be able
to help you out there.

I've had some training
in Reiki,

and they say that I have
healing powers.

[ Chuckles ]

You're not gonna touch me,
are you?

No, no. I'll just --

My hands will just hover
over the area where it hurts,

and then I'll use my energy
to remove the blockage

and so the healing
can take place naturally.

Okay, but no touching!
No, no.

No, you just close your eyes
and try and relax.

Alright.

Now, my hands are just
applying the vibration.

Right there. Okay. So...

Here we go. Hm.

[ Humming Reiki chant ]

Fbpht!

[ Humming Reiki chant ]

Fbpht!

[ Chuckling ] Wow! Whoa!

[ Laughs ]

Anything?
No.

No?
Allow it in, Dan.

I'm allowing it,
Jackie!

Skepticism is
the barrier to health.

Alright.

So...I'm just
gonna have to extend

the frequency of my energy
and dig a little deeper.

You're not gonna
touch me though, right?

No, you big baby.
I'm not gonna touch you.

Hey, guys.

[ Screams ]
Ow! You touched me!

What are you freaks
doing?!

Your grandfather is suffering
from severe bursitis

in his shoulder,
and I'm just trying to heal him.

I don't know why you boomers
are waving your hands around

when you could just
smoke some weed.

I do it every morning to
loosen up before I exercise.

Then I don't end up
exercising

and I just watch TikToks
of people falling down.

But I still feel great.

He doesn't need
more drugs.

No, his old veins, they can
barely transport the blood.

And knock it off
with the old-guy stuff.

I used to smoke weed
in high school

when I hurt myself
playing football.

I kinda forgot about it
'cause I used to smoke weed

in high school when I hurt
myself playing football.

Yeah. That was then.

Now you drink like a fish.
You eat like crap.

You don't need to throw
any more trash

onto that landfill
you call a body.

Well, the weed today
isn't trash.

You can walk
into a dispensary

and get carefully
cultivated stuff.

It might help your pain,
Grandpa.

We're going
to the weed store.

Jackie:
Oh, great. Yeah.

I'm going with ya.
'Cause you're gonna need

somebody from the streets
who can speak the lingo.

Oh, that'd be nice,
but I think Snoop Dogg's busy

making cupcakes
with Martha Stewart.

I was talking about me.

You haven't even taken a toke
of the jazz cabbage,

you can't follow
a simple conversation.

**

Okay, Littles,
now, what is this shape?

Triangle.

Thank you,
Beverly Rose.

And this is a...

Rectangle.

She's kind of a chip
off the old block.

Don't let the spaghetti stains
fool you.

Honors Society.
Three years running.

Massive underachiever.

And I really hope
we can hear

from some of the other kids
tomorrow.

Clean-up time!

Beverly Rose's mom,
can I speak to you for a second?

I know what
you're gonna say.

Beverly Rose
does seem to be

mopping the floors
with these kids.

But it's not a contest.

She's clearly very bright.

I know.
And vocal.

Maybe too vocal.

I'm sorry?

This is supposed to be
a time for the Littles

to not only learn,
but to gain some self-esteem.

But Beverly Rose isn't giving
any of the other kids a chance.

She only feels free
to talk

because you have created
such a safe environment.

And that is a testament
to your teaching.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Teacher of the Year.

Unfortunately,
I've had to move

Beverly Rose's clothespin
from green to yellow.

Whether or not they turn it
around is all about the parent.

Oh. Wow. Okay.

Well, you are looking
at a parent

who is great
at turning things around.

By the way,
love the knit separates.

I am so proud of you

for having such a good
first day of school.

I answered
all the questions.

Yes, you did.

And that's what
we're gonna talk about.

Even if you know
all the answers,

it might be nice to give
the other kids a chance.

But it takes so long
for them to answer.

And then they do it wrong!

Well, it's okay
to be wrong.

They can't help it
if they're not as smart as you.

That's what I told them
so they wouldn't feel bad.

If you don't let
the other kids answer,

your clothespin
is gonna stay on yellow.

And we don't want that.

You are a green clothespin
daughter.

And I am a green clothespin
mommy!

Okay.

Okay. I gotta get back
to The Lunch Box.

Which is evidently

what a green clothespin
gets you in life.

I have boobs and blond hair,
and that just kills you.

Did you ever get
a yellow clothespin?
[ Door opens ]

Uh, well, I passed
through yellow...
[ Door closes ]

...on my way
to permanent red.

Does it bother you that
you got a yellow clothespin?

I guess so.

But...?

I like knowing
all the answers.

Well, then
you keep answering.

And if somebody tells you
to stop, you do it louder.

Look, I love your mom
like a sister, but...

...the clothespin thing
is just a scam.

I mean, you don't feel like
you did anything wrong, do you?

No, but when I say
too many answers,

I don't get to go
to the prize bucket.

Well, the prize
is knowing that you rock

and those other kids
are losers.

Now, speaking of losers,

you want to sit in
on a meeting

of a bunch of really pathetic
green-clothespin people?

Oh!
I wasn't muted.

**

Whoa.
Look at all this.

It's like Seth Rogen
and Willy Wonka had a baby.

Kinda sad.
It's so corporate.

There was something sweet
about buying drugs in the park.

-Can I help you?
-Easy, slick!

He may look like
a decrepit old fool,

but he's got me with him,
'cause he is.

I just need something
for pain.

The pain of living
in an unjust world

where the planet's
burning up

and we're losing our rights
to fascist rule?

Or, like, a hurt foot?

The foot one,
but it's in my shoulder.
Yeah.

I used to smoke a little
in high school.

Oh, yeah, we both did.
A couple of hopheads, yeah.

And I tell you,
we didn't get our grass

from some doobie warehouse
like you softies.

We had to go to the other side
of the tracks

to see the doodah man!

I've tried a lot of stuff
with CBD in it,

and it just doesn't seem
to be helping.

You're a pretty big guy.

I think you can handle
some strong flower.

This is Nightmare.

It's, uh, very high in THC.

Or there's this one.

It's called Brain Bleed.

It's strong, but you can
play tennis on it.

I just need something where
I can't feel my shoulder.

This one's called
I Can't Feel My Face, but...

...it'll probably work
on the shoulder.

Do you want gummies
or flower?

Candy!

Okay.
That will be $40.

Holy crap.
40 bucks.

Don't you have a barrel
where he can just bag

a couple of loose ones?

Sorry, ma'am.
This isn't taffy,

and this isn't Coney Island
in the '30s.

Listen,
Harry Pothead.

I've destroyed
more opportunities with drugs

than you'll ever
hope to.

Oh, dude,
you gotta be high.

**

Beverly Rose, go downstairs
and wash your hands

and I'll make you
a snack, okay?

We need to talk.

Alright. Fine.
Hang on. I'm at work.

I agree
with what Anne said.

[ Keyboard clicks ]

Go.

When I picked up
Beverly Rose,

her teacher said
that she was

twice as aggressive
as she was yesterday.

"Aggressive"
or "assertive"?

'Cause there's
a big difference.

Before, she was just answering
all the questions.

Now she's actively calling
out the kids for being dumb.

And when her teacher threatened
to give her a red clothespin,

she said it was a scam!

Well, that is very perceptive
for a 5-year-old,

and you should be proud.

You told her that!

She asked me if I ever got
a yellow clothespin.

And she asked me 'cause
she didn't understand

why she was in trouble
for being smart.

All I told her
was to be herself.

It was none
of your business.

You should have
stayed out of it.

Well, Beverly Rose shouldn't
have to hide her light.

You want her playing stupid
all her life

just so people like her?

It's not playing stupid.
It's being strategic.

Angry little ball-busters
who alienate everybody

don't get rewarded
in school, Darlene.

Uh, they made me
crossing guard, Becky!

Yeah, on the most
dangerous street

the farthest away
from the school!

Don't you wonder why they never
gave you the reflective vest?

They told me
they ran out of them!

Asking Beverly Rose not
to answer is wrong, Becky.

No, it's not.
She needs to learn

how to get along with people
in the real world.

Get along
or know her place?

I cannot believe
you didn't defend her.

You know, Mom had her problems,
but she would have

gone down there and ripped
that teacher's head off.

Yeah, and then you're the kid
with the crazy mom.

How'd you like that?

Well, I wanted to crawl into
a hole while she was doing it,

but it made me feel protected
and more confident,

and that made me stronger.

You have to think about what
kind of person you're teaching

Beverly Rose
to become.

Yeah, you want her to be less
like me and more like you,

and that's
the last thing I want.

Oh, really? You think it's
better for her to be like you?

You were so anxious
to please

that you gave up your education
and your family

so that you could move
with Mark to Minnesota!

Wow. You have nothing else
to say to me.

Get out of my face!

You know, maybe if you were
easier to get along with,

they wouldn't make you
work at home!

They don't make me!
It's my option!

**

[ Door closes ]

What's going on?
[Meekly] Nothin'.

Okay. How many gummies
did you take?

I don't know.

I took one,
and it didn't work,

so I took a second one.

Then the first one
kicked in,

then I got hungry
and I took a third one.

Don't ever take
the third one.

Okay.

You're gonna sit down
on the couch right here,

and everything's
gonna be fine.

I can't walk.
Huh?

My feet
are on the wrong feet.

You mean
they're not your feet?

No. What's wrong with you?
Of course they're my feet!

They're on the wrong legs! They
don't want to walk together!

Okay, well,
I can help you with that.

I can just
switch them back.

[ Speaks gibberish ]
They're all back! Okay?

Now let's go...
[ Chuckles ]

Go over to the couch.

[ Shouts gibberish ]

[ Shouts gibberish ]

[ Laughs ]

Lie down.

Ohh. Ahh.
How long were we walking?

For like an hour, right?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh, God. You guys
got the edibles, huh?

Yeah.

It's not candy, children!
Get him some carbs!

Yeah.
Hey.

Uh, let's put something
on the TV for you, yeah?

Something soothing
and familiar.

[ Crowd cheering ]

Go back.
Go back to the first one.

That's the screensaver.

Stay there.

Okay.
Don't tell me how it ends.

**

And which one of my Littles
knows what animal this is?

A dog.

Good try.

Look at the picture.
Read the word.

What does it say?

Dog.

Okay, everyone. Good job.
See you tomorrow.

Hey, sweetie.
How was your day?

We've got a green
clothespin now.

That's great!

I didn't talk all day,

and the teacher said
that was a good thing.

Wait.
You didn't talk at all?

No, even when I knew all
the answers, like you said.

It was really hard.

And now the teacher
likes me,

and I got a yo-yo
from the prize bucket.

Well, there's
a Pavlovian nightmare.

Honey, wait for me
in the hall, okay?

Oh, hi, Becky!

All my Littles got to talk today
and it was a much better day.

Beverly Rose participated
in a non-disruptive way.

What do you mean
"participated"?

She just sat there
shut down all day.

Oh, no. She was a very lively
listener and observer today.

Good job, Mom!

Is that what we're
raising here --

girls who are good little
listeners and observers?

You're also teaching her that
if she shows how smart she is,

she'll get punished!

She's learning from you right
now that she should be a woman

who keeps quiet
in the board meeting

even if the CEO
is calling a cat a dog!

And I'll tell you
another thing.

I don't give a damn
whether you think

I'm a good mom or not.

My kid will decide that
with her therapist in 20 years.

But right now she is going
to answer whenever she wants,

and you will deal with it.

Oh, my God.

I just realized you're
one of those Conners.

I remember your mom coming
into my third-grade class

and losing it
on the teacher

because your sister Darlene
got a "D" on her diorama.

She said, "How could
she get a 'D' on it

when Becky got an 'A' on it
when she turned it in?"

Oh, yeah, you're right.
You just got Conner-ed!

And the apple doesn't fall
far from the tree,

so buckle up, buttercup!

**

Hey.
How ya feeling?

Well, the pain's back.

Maybe I gotta face the fact

that at my age
pains just don't go away.

You really just didn't know
that you're old?

No, when I wake up
in the morning

I'm still the same guy playing
football in high school.

Then when I try
to get out of bed,

there's a lot of
rocking and screaming

until I get the momentum
to stand on my feet.

It's a shame because
it sounds like

the weed worked
for the pain.

You could pick a strain
that's not too strong

and grow it yourself.

You already own a water bed.
It's the next logical step.

And I'd save
40 bucks a week.

Well, you could grow it
in your closet.

I'll show you how.

Yes, I could move all my tuxedos
and cashmere driving coats

to the washing machine
in the driveway.

Okay.
Let's do it.

Would ya like to grow drugs
with your old grandpa?

[ Chuckles ]

Aw, shucks, Grandpa.
That'd be swell.

Hee-hee-hee!

Go ahead and eat that
in the kitchen, hon.

But don't let Grandpa see it,
or the clogged artery monster

will come and get him
in the night!

Okay.

Ice-cream cone
right before dinner?
[ Door closes ]

Bad day, Mom?

Horrible.

I found out Darlene
was right about something.

And now I'm putting down
my phone.

You had a point.

I didn't listen.

I was so anxious
to please the teacher,

I made Beverly Rose
scared to talk.

Oh, well, you don't
have to apologize.

I didn't apologize.
I said you were right.

Well, I shouldn't have
gotten involved.

You know what I think
you both learned?

Is that Beverly Rose
shouldn't be you or you.

She'll figure out who
she's supposed to be -- me.

Yeah, if you strip away all
the layers of self-loathing.

And the crazy that
chills you to the bone,

you have...

A shirt and a haircut
that belong

on a sculpture
in New Mexico?

[ Humming Reiki chant ]
Fbpht!

[ Humming Reiki chant ]
Fbpht!

**

Grandpa, I brought you
an ice-cream sandwich.

I want to see the clogged
artery monster come and get you.

Where did you hear that?

Mommy, Aunt Jackie,
Aunt Darlene.

Were they
planning something?

Because if they were
hoping to see

the term life insurance
monster,

I transformed him into
a mortgage payment monster

and a new sewer line!

[Gravelly] And now
I'm a new kind of monster.

Give me that
ice-cream sandwich!

And you're awful sweet.
I'm gonna eat you up, too!

[ Beverly Rose squealing,
Dan growling ]