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1
00:00:20,545 --> 00:00:21,984
DOOR OPENS
2
00:00:23,154 --> 00:00:25,480
SHE SIGHS I'm off now.
3
00:00:25,504 --> 00:00:26,824
OK.
4
00:00:29,704 --> 00:00:31,600
Are you gonna be all
right getting to work?
5
00:00:31,624 --> 00:00:32,954
Yes, don't worry.
6
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,800
I'm not worried. Why
would I be worried?
7
00:00:35,824 --> 00:00:37,410
HE CHUCKLES No reason.
8
00:00:37,434 --> 00:00:39,370
Go. I'm fine.
9
00:00:39,394 --> 00:00:41,034
OK, I'll see you later. Yep.
10
00:00:42,795 --> 00:00:44,114
SHE SIGHS
11
00:00:45,034 --> 00:00:47,384
HE BREATHES ANXIOUSLY
12
00:01:00,304 --> 00:01:01,675
CALENDAR CLICKS
13
00:01:10,824 --> 00:01:13,984
HE BREATHES ANXIOUSLY
14
00:01:16,594 --> 00:01:17,960
DOOR CLOSES
15
00:01:17,984 --> 00:01:19,594
CAT GROWLS
16
00:01:35,264 --> 00:01:37,720
Hi, Peggy. It's Gareth.
17
00:01:37,744 --> 00:01:40,521
I'm not... feeling too
great, to be honest.
18
00:01:40,545 --> 00:01:43,160
It must've come on overnight.
19
00:01:43,184 --> 00:01:46,570
Yeah, yeah, I... I
think I better had.
20
00:01:46,594 --> 00:01:49,760
Would you tell Dean
I won't be in today?
21
00:01:49,784 --> 00:01:51,250
Oh, thanks, Peggy.
22
00:01:51,274 --> 00:01:52,344
Bye.
23
00:01:54,104 --> 00:01:55,954
MAGPIE CAWS
24
00:01:59,114 --> 00:02:00,750
One, two, three.
25
00:02:00,774 --> 00:02:02,314
Good morning, Mr Magpie.
26
00:02:03,274 --> 00:02:04,904
I'm sorry you're on your own.
27
00:02:06,034 --> 00:02:08,824
So, now I've used up all my
sorrow, nothing bad can happen.
28
00:02:10,114 --> 00:02:11,354
Understand?
29
00:02:12,754 --> 00:02:14,514
MAGPIE CAWS
30
00:02:18,954 --> 00:02:22,930
So, 08081570685
31
00:02:22,954 --> 00:02:25,641
is the number to call for today's very
special phone-in. GARETH SIGHS
32
00:02:25,665 --> 00:02:27,570
Hoping to hear from
you this Friday morning,
33
00:02:27,594 --> 00:02:30,730
but it's not any old Friday
morning, it's Friday the 13th!
34
00:02:30,754 --> 00:02:33,090
So, no doubt you're all
taking extra care of yourselves
35
00:02:33,114 --> 00:02:35,570
and you won't end up in A&E,
having driven into a lamppost!
36
00:02:35,594 --> 00:02:38,730
Our fantastic NHS staff are gonna
be just twiddling their thumbs today.
37
00:02:38,754 --> 00:02:41,010
Nothing to do —
Everyone's being so careful.
38
00:02:41,034 --> 00:02:44,080
Well, I hope you get to put your
feet up and have a well-deserved rest.
39
00:02:44,104 --> 00:02:45,850
Here's a song just for you.
40
00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:47,810
MUSIC PLAYS
41
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:49,880
DOORBELL RINGS
42
00:02:49,904 --> 00:02:51,264
Hello?
43
00:02:57,954 --> 00:02:59,054
MUSIC STOPS
44
00:03:01,064 --> 00:03:03,545
You've reached the Dermot
O'Leary... PHONE CLATTERS
45
00:03:26,675 --> 00:03:27,890
Oh, hello.
46
00:03:27,914 --> 00:03:29,401
You're in. That's lucky.
47
00:03:29,425 --> 00:03:31,144
I've got a parcel for ya.
48
00:03:32,344 --> 00:03:34,730
Just, er, leave it on
the doorstep, thanks.
49
00:03:34,754 --> 00:03:36,810
Oh, I can't. You've
got to sign for it.
50
00:03:36,834 --> 00:03:40,020
Ugh. Could you come
back later? My wife will be in.
51
00:03:40,044 --> 00:03:42,450
Oh, not really. I've
got a round to do.
52
00:03:42,474 --> 00:03:46,010
Besides, I think it's for
you. Er, Gareth Beckman?
53
00:03:46,034 --> 00:03:47,370
Yes, yes, that's me.
54
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,760
Well, if you can't do it today, it'll
have to go back to the sorting office,
55
00:03:50,784 --> 00:03:53,840
and what with it being Friday,
it'll be stuck there all weekend.
56
00:03:53,864 --> 00:03:55,754
All right. Fine.
57
00:04:05,314 --> 00:04:07,370
Your pen's not working.
Have you got another one?
58
00:04:07,394 --> 00:04:09,401
Oh, no. Sorry, love.
59
00:04:09,425 --> 00:04:11,800
We usually have them digital
ones where you use your finger,
60
00:04:11,824 --> 00:04:13,290
but I dropped mine this morning
61
00:04:13,314 --> 00:04:15,880
while I were unwrapping
a Belvita and it broke.
62
00:04:15,904 --> 00:04:17,401
Device, not the Belvita.
63
00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,440
Wait there.
64
00:04:19,464 --> 00:04:20,840
Don't come in!
65
00:04:20,864 --> 00:04:22,144
Please.
66
00:04:30,144 --> 00:04:31,904
Not a single bloody pen!
67
00:04:33,594 --> 00:04:35,170
DRAWER JAMS
68
00:04:35,194 --> 00:04:36,370
Ow.
69
00:04:36,394 --> 00:04:37,970
Damn it!
70
00:04:37,994 --> 00:04:40,890
Sorry, I couldn't just
quickly use your loo, could 1?
71
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:43,930
I literally just told you
not to come in. I'm busting.
72
00:04:43,954 --> 00:04:47,170
Dr Mikos says I've got to stay
hydrated cos of my condition,
73
00:04:47,194 --> 00:04:50,120
but I can't just nip behind a
privet like a man does, can I?
74
00:04:50,144 --> 00:04:53,890
Me friend Enid got me one of them
Shewees — you know, where you funnel it...
75
00:04:53,914 --> 00:04:55,480
But me aim was off.
76
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:58,320
Ruined a good pair of Uggs,
that did. Yeah. I'm sorry, no.
77
00:04:58,344 --> 00:05:01,310
I'm not going for a crafty poo if
that's what you think. PHONE RINGS
78
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:03,954
All right! Look, it's through
there. Just be quick.
79
00:05:07,604 --> 00:05:09,090
Hello?
80
00:05:09,114 --> 00:05:12,970
Ah, yes. Well, I wanted to
point out to Dermot O'Leary
81
00:05:12,994 --> 00:05:15,380
that a study conducted in 1993
82
00:05:15,404 --> 00:05:18,010
by Scanlon, Luben,
Scanlon and Singleton
83
00:05:18,034 --> 00:05:20,401
concluded that the risk
of hospital admission
84
00:05:20,425 --> 00:05:24,531
actually goes up by as much
as 52% on Friday the 13th,
85
00:05:24,555 --> 00:05:27,090
so, you know, get your facts
right and stop broadcasting
86
00:05:27,114 --> 00:05:29,651
such irresponsible crap!
87
00:05:29,675 --> 00:05:31,354
Yes, you're welcome. Goodbye.
88
00:05:33,984 --> 00:05:35,370
HE SCRIBBLES
89
00:05:35,394 --> 00:05:36,685
MAIL CARRIER KNOCKS Hello?
90
00:05:37,994 --> 00:05:40,531
What's wrong? I can't get out!
91
00:05:40,555 --> 00:05:43,090
What do you mean?
Just unlock the door.
92
00:05:43,114 --> 00:05:45,044
DOOR RATTLES I
can't! The handle's broke.
93
00:05:51,274 --> 00:05:52,760
What have you done to it?
94
00:05:52,784 --> 00:05:56,020
Nothing! It just
came off in me hand.
95
00:05:56,044 --> 00:05:59,050
Could you hurry up, please?
I don't like confined spaces.
96
00:05:59,074 --> 00:06:01,290
I need to get a
screwdriver. Wait there.
97
00:06:01,314 --> 00:06:03,560
I don't have much choice, do 1?
98
00:06:03,584 --> 00:06:05,010
No. Out. CAT MEOWS
99
00:06:05,034 --> 00:06:07,651
Hey, you, get out! I can't!
100
00:06:07,675 --> 00:06:08,754
Not you!
101
00:06:14,034 --> 00:06:16,034
CAT GROWLS
102
00:06:18,064 --> 00:06:19,960
Hello...
103
00:06:19,984 --> 00:06:23,250
Hello. What are you
doing under there?
104
00:06:23,274 --> 00:06:24,401
Hey?
105
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:25,480
CAT HISSES Argh!
106
00:06:25,504 --> 00:06:27,380
Shit!
107
00:06:27,404 --> 00:06:28,834
HE SIGHS
108
00:06:31,234 --> 00:06:33,890
HE MAKES KISSING NOISES
109
00:06:33,914 --> 00:06:35,541
Hello.
110
00:06:35,565 --> 00:06:36,850
HE MAKES KISSING NOISES
111
00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:38,690
Come on!
112
00:06:38,714 --> 00:06:41,305
CAT GROWLS Come on.
113
00:06:42,794 --> 00:06:45,450
Here, come on, where are you?
114
00:06:45,474 --> 00:06:46,685
HE MAKES KISSING NOISES
115
00:06:47,944 --> 00:06:49,690
Come on...
116
00:06:49,714 --> 00:06:50,770
Hello!
117
00:06:50,794 --> 00:06:52,044
CAT YOWLS
118
00:07:02,514 --> 00:07:03,764
CAT MEOWS
119
00:07:05,274 --> 00:07:07,120
HE SIGHS
120
00:07:07,144 --> 00:07:08,714
OK...
121
00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:12,320
Do you know...
122
00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:18,050
a man came up to me the other
day and said, "Have you seen my cat?
123
00:07:18,074 --> 00:07:20,170
"He's got black fur,
124
00:07:20,194 --> 00:07:22,260
"patchy with mange.
125
00:07:22,284 --> 00:07:24,570
"He's missing his right ear,
126
00:07:24,594 --> 00:07:27,050
"he's blind in one eye,
127
00:07:27,074 --> 00:07:29,490
"and only has three legs
128
00:07:29,514 --> 00:07:32,850
"due to a recent
traffic accident."
129
00:07:32,874 --> 00:07:35,850
I said, "What's his name?"
130
00:07:35,874 --> 00:07:37,970
And the man said...
131
00:07:37,994 --> 00:07:39,020
"Lucky."
132
00:07:39,044 --> 00:07:40,994
WATER SPRAYS FIERCELY
133
00:07:42,634 --> 00:07:44,044
CAT MEOWS
134
00:07:52,584 --> 00:07:53,844
WATER TURNS OFF
135
00:07:55,354 --> 00:07:57,850
I'm not being funny,
but I've got library books
136
00:07:57,874 --> 00:07:59,740
that need taking back!
137
00:07:59,764 --> 00:08:01,120
HE SIGHS
138
00:08:01,144 --> 00:08:04,194
Dr Mikos said there's a
danger of me having a fit.
139
00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:12,044
Oh, for fuck's sake!
140
00:08:24,664 --> 00:08:25,880
Who are you?
141
00:08:25,904 --> 00:08:27,760
Barry Styles, locksmith.
142
00:08:27,784 --> 00:08:30,250
Apparently, you've trapped a
lady in your downstairs toilet.
143
00:08:30,274 --> 00:08:32,450
I didn't trap her. She
went in of her own accord!
144
00:08:32,474 --> 00:08:34,271
I don't need to
know the details, sir.
145
00:08:34,295 --> 00:08:37,000
I just need you to know
it's an £80 call-out fee.
146
00:08:37,024 --> 00:08:38,970
HE SIGHS Get me
out! I can't breathe!
147
00:08:38,994 --> 00:08:40,890
I'm not paying
that. I didn't call you.
148
00:08:40,914 --> 00:08:43,690
I'll pay it! I'll pay
anything. Just get me out!
149
00:08:43,714 --> 00:08:46,460
I was about to get you out. I
just need to get a screwdriver!
150
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:48,050
Can you move this?
Yeah. Sorry about that.
151
00:08:48,074 --> 00:08:51,250
I have to bring everything in from the
van or it all gets nicked! PHONE RINGS
152
00:08:51,274 --> 00:08:52,730
Kids today! I don't know!
153
00:08:52,754 --> 00:08:54,541
Can you shift it,
please? I can't get by.
154
00:08:54,565 --> 00:08:55,890
One sec.
155
00:08:55,914 --> 00:08:58,380
Hiya, love. Did
you find it all right?
156
00:08:58,404 --> 00:09:01,100
Yeah, I'm at number 9...
157
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,844
HE BREATHES QUICKLY
158
00:09:07,074 --> 00:09:09,130
HE WHIMPERS
159
00:09:09,154 --> 00:09:10,820
I'm getting a bit dizzy!
160
00:09:10,844 --> 00:09:12,176
I'm coming! Just...
161
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,314
Ooh, this might set
me fits off! Hold on.
162
00:09:33,393 --> 00:09:36,353
What's going on?
I can hear banging!
163
00:09:42,993 --> 00:09:44,353
Hello!
164
00:09:54,383 --> 00:09:56,663
I've got tinnitus
as well, you know!
165
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:01,099
Ever since I saw
Whitesnake at the Albert Hall
166
00:10:01,123 --> 00:10:05,209
Huh! I told them the
speakers were too loud!
167
00:10:05,233 --> 00:10:07,290
I wrote them a letter,
168
00:10:07,314 --> 00:10:09,129
but I didn't hear anything back.
169
00:10:09,153 --> 00:10:11,003
Well, apart from my tinnitus.
170
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:16,203
I'm not paying if I
need syringing again!
171
00:10:21,033 --> 00:10:22,314
Oh, no.
172
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,499
Oh!
173
00:10:33,523 --> 00:10:35,209
THUDDING CLATTERING
174
00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:37,359
Oh, dear me, I'm
sorry about that.
175
00:10:37,383 --> 00:10:38,569
Are you all right?
176
00:10:38,593 --> 00:10:40,079
Yes, I'm fine.
177
00:10:40,103 --> 00:10:43,209
I just want both of you to
leave as soon as possible.
178
00:10:43,233 --> 00:10:45,169
I can't have people
in the house today.
179
00:10:45,193 --> 00:10:47,849
Grandad! Grandad! Hello, cherub!
180
00:10:47,873 --> 00:10:49,079
Who's this, now?
181
00:10:49,103 --> 00:10:51,049
This is me
granddaughter, Bethany.
182
00:10:51,073 --> 00:10:53,339
I've just gotta look after
her for a couple of hours.
183
00:10:53,363 --> 00:10:55,129
Me daughter—in—law's
got band practice.
184
00:10:55,153 --> 00:10:57,129
Thanks for doing this,
Barry. GARETH GASPS
185
00:10:57,153 --> 00:10:58,179
I won't be long.
186
00:10:58,203 --> 00:11:00,009
I'll leave her bag with you.
187
00:11:00,033 --> 00:11:01,329
Oh, hello!
188
00:11:01,353 --> 00:11:03,639
Are you the fella that's
locked a woman in his toilet?
189
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,249
Yes, he is! No, I'm not.
190
00:11:05,273 --> 00:11:07,259
Well, Bethany
will be no trouble.
191
00:11:07,283 --> 00:11:09,259
It's just we've got
a special gig today
192
00:11:09,283 --> 00:11:11,290
and we need to work
on My Ding—a-Ling.
193
00:11:11,314 --> 00:11:13,009
Can I ask you to
step outside, please?
194
00:11:13,033 --> 00:11:14,899
One second. I've got
to sort her lunch box.
195
00:11:14,923 --> 00:11:16,929
I can't have those
in here! Those what?
196
00:11:16,953 --> 00:11:19,009
Peacock feathers.
Are you allergic?
197
00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:20,929
Yes, to the evil eye, and
you're covered in them
198
00:11:20,953 --> 00:11:22,209
and they're incredibly bad luck!
199
00:11:22,233 --> 00:11:24,369
Don't say that. They're lovely.
200
00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:25,649
Look, feel them.
201
00:11:25,673 --> 00:11:28,619
Urgh, get them away from
me! Get out! Get out, get out!
202
00:11:28,643 --> 00:11:31,619
Hey, hey, come on, now.
There's no need for that!
203
00:11:31,643 --> 00:11:33,049
It's all right, Barry.
204
00:11:33,073 --> 00:11:35,079
Now, you be a
good girl for Grandad
205
00:11:35,103 --> 00:11:36,969
and Mummy will see you later.
206
00:11:36,993 --> 00:11:39,179
Is there any chance I could
nip to your upstairs loo?
207
00:11:39,203 --> 00:11:40,439
Definitely not. Why?
208
00:11:40,463 --> 00:11:41,929
Because we can't
cross on the stairs.
209
00:11:41,953 --> 00:11:44,569
Someone obviously got out of the
wrong side of the bed this morning.
210
00:11:44,593 --> 00:11:46,929
Don't say that. I'll have
to dust off my Shewee.
211
00:11:46,953 --> 00:11:48,489
See you later, darling.
212
00:11:48,513 --> 00:11:51,489
Come on, then, let's do a
nice picture in the kitchen.
213
00:11:51,513 --> 00:11:53,329
Yes, make yourself at
home, why don't you?!
214
00:11:53,353 --> 00:11:55,259
Have you got that
screwdriver yet?
215
00:11:55,283 --> 00:11:57,033
I'm getting it, I'm getting it!
216
00:11:58,314 --> 00:12:00,369
I don't know if you
want to hear this now,
217
00:12:00,393 --> 00:12:03,009
but your flush is
broken, by the way.
218
00:12:03,033 --> 00:12:05,579
Yes, of course it is! What
with that and the lock,
219
00:12:05,603 --> 00:12:08,219
well, they say bad
luck comes in threes.
220
00:12:08,243 --> 00:12:09,833
What's number two?
221
00:12:11,483 --> 00:12:14,179
Your flush is
broken, by the way.
222
00:12:14,203 --> 00:12:15,683
Unbelievable.
223
00:12:16,803 --> 00:12:18,420
Thanking you, sir!
224
00:12:18,444 --> 00:12:21,473
Right, let's establish
what we're looking at here.
225
00:12:23,283 --> 00:12:25,729
Excuse me, where are your...?
226
00:12:25,753 --> 00:12:27,179
Oh, no!
227
00:12:27,203 --> 00:12:29,009
You can't put
shoes on the table!
228
00:12:29,033 --> 00:12:30,899
It's all right.
They're brand-new!
229
00:12:30,923 --> 00:12:32,259
Well, that's even worse!
230
00:12:32,283 --> 00:12:33,833
Stop! Stop!
231
00:12:35,033 --> 00:12:37,540
It wards off evil spirits.
232
00:12:37,564 --> 00:12:39,569
GARETH CRIES OUT CAT YOWLS Argh!
233
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,643
THUDDING BETHANY LAUGHS
234
00:12:44,473 --> 00:12:45,929
Is everything OK, sir?
235
00:12:45,953 --> 00:12:47,209
Please, just be quick.
236
00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:49,259
Yes, hurry up! DOOR KNOB RATTLES
237
00:12:49,283 --> 00:12:51,729
Yeah, all right, madam.
Can you not do that, please?
238
00:12:51,753 --> 00:12:52,799
You're jiggling the mechanism
239
00:12:52,823 --> 00:12:55,363
and making my life
even more difficult.
240
00:12:56,393 --> 00:12:59,089
May I ask how the lady came
to be inside the bathroom, sir?
241
00:12:59,113 --> 00:13:01,540
She wanted a pee. What else
would she be doing in there?
242
00:13:01,564 --> 00:13:05,290
Well, you tell me. I don't
want any more nasty surprises.
243
00:13:05,314 --> 00:13:07,249
Well, there might be one.
244
00:13:07,273 --> 00:13:09,569
Especially now there's
a child on the premises.
245
00:13:09,593 --> 00:13:12,979
Yes, a child you brought
here. I didn't ask for any of this!
246
00:13:13,003 --> 00:13:15,449
Here we go! WOOD SPLINTERS
247
00:13:15,473 --> 00:13:16,779
Oh, finally!
248
00:13:16,803 --> 00:13:18,849
WOMAN GASPS Oh, my God!
249
00:13:18,873 --> 00:13:20,170
Oh, thank you!
250
00:13:20,194 --> 00:13:22,170
Deep breaths. You're all right.
251
00:13:22,194 --> 00:13:23,939
Now, just for my
own peace of mind,
252
00:13:23,963 --> 00:13:26,009
you went in there of
your own free will, yes?
253
00:13:26,033 --> 00:13:27,290
The gentleman didn't force ya?
254
00:13:27,314 --> 00:13:29,809
Cos I do know the
words for a citizen's arrest.
255
00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:30,849
What?
256
00:13:30,873 --> 00:13:32,439
Oh, the room's spinning.
257
00:13:32,463 --> 00:13:35,679
I think I'm gonna be
sick! SHE RETCHES
258
00:13:35,703 --> 00:13:37,949
Yeah, the internal
mechanism's buggered,
259
00:13:37,973 --> 00:13:39,879
by the look of things. Heh.
260
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:42,469
It'll be £150 for
a new tailpiece,
261
00:13:42,493 --> 00:13:44,809
plus labour, of
course... Of course.
262
00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:46,699
I might've been
able to salvage it,
263
00:13:46,723 --> 00:13:49,449
but she's been hacking
away at it with this screw,
264
00:13:49,473 --> 00:13:50,519
by the look of things.
265
00:13:50,543 --> 00:13:52,579
WOMAN COUGHS
Where did you get...?
266
00:13:52,603 --> 00:13:55,849
TENSE STRINGS
CRESCENDO Oh, my God!
267
00:13:55,873 --> 00:13:58,283
Help me! Don't let it drop.
268
00:13:59,253 --> 00:14:00,859
Can you... Can
you put it back in?
269
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,733
It'll cost ya. Just do it!
270
00:14:03,833 --> 00:14:05,939
I don't need any
more bad luck today.
271
00:14:05,963 --> 00:14:08,300
DOOR CLICKS BETHANY GIGGLES
272
00:14:08,324 --> 00:14:12,043
OMINOUS STRINGS PLAY
273
00:14:18,473 --> 00:14:22,099
Imagine you're on a beach...
WOMAN EXHALES DEEPLY
274
00:14:22,123 --> 00:14:25,459
You're looking out at
a wide open horizon.
275
00:14:25,483 --> 00:14:29,843
BREATHES DEEPLY You can
feel the cool breeze on your face.
276
00:14:32,843 --> 00:14:36,300
THEY MOUTH SILENTLY
277
00:14:36,324 --> 00:14:39,089
GARETH BLOWS
278
00:14:39,113 --> 00:14:40,629
Can you feel it?
279
00:14:40,653 --> 00:14:41,813
Yes.
280
00:14:43,293 --> 00:14:46,300
There's not another
soul for miles around...
281
00:14:46,324 --> 00:14:49,699
the waves are lapping,
the sun's shining...
282
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,659
Oh, have I got sunblock
on? I burn easily.
283
00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:52,699
Yeah, yeah, you do.
284
00:14:52,723 --> 00:14:54,449
You put it on
earlier. Factor 20.
285
00:14:54,473 --> 00:14:56,819
Only 207 Sorry, 50.
286
00:14:56,843 --> 00:14:58,430
I've not got me glasses on.
287
00:14:58,454 --> 00:15:02,290
Just think about
how calm you are.
288
00:15:02,314 --> 00:15:04,314
Not a care in the world.
289
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:08,059
Oh, it smells of
coffee, this breeze.
290
00:15:08,083 --> 00:15:09,089
It stinks.
291
00:15:09,113 --> 00:15:11,170
Look, this is
ridiculous! I'm sorry!
292
00:15:11,194 --> 00:15:13,649
There's a toddler out there. God
knows what she's getting up to!
293
00:15:13,673 --> 00:15:16,160
Me daughter—in—law's
on her way over, I told ya.
294
00:15:16,184 --> 00:15:18,529
Bethany's a good girl. She
won't get up to any mischief.
295
00:15:18,553 --> 00:15:20,729
I should never have answered
the door, today of all days.
296
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,339
I knew it as well! I knew it!
297
00:15:22,363 --> 00:15:25,170
You don't believe in all that
Friday the 13th stuff, do you?
298
00:15:25,194 --> 00:15:27,420
Yes, of course I do!
Look where I've ended up -
299
00:15:27,444 --> 00:15:29,809
trapped in a
toilet with you two.
300
00:15:29,833 --> 00:15:32,929
But that's got nothing
to do with the date.
301
00:15:32,953 --> 00:15:34,629
It's just circumstance.
302
00:15:34,653 --> 00:15:36,420
Oh, so says Mr
Shoes On The Table!
303
00:15:36,444 --> 00:15:37,789
You're inviting bad luck.
304
00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:38,989
From who, though?
305
00:15:39,013 --> 00:15:42,609
The universe! I opened the
door and, boom, utter chaos!
306
00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:45,499
That's a very negative attitude,
if you don't mind me saying.
307
00:15:45,523 --> 00:15:46,739
Tell that to Jesus,
308
00:15:46,763 --> 00:15:48,539
crucified on
so-called Good Friday,
309
00:15:48,563 --> 00:15:50,659
after the Last Supper
where there were 13 guests.
310
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,859
I didn't know they had
Fridays in them days.
311
00:15:52,883 --> 00:15:54,059
Of course they did!
312
00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,379
Chaucer talks about
it in the Middle Ages!
313
00:15:56,403 --> 00:15:58,459
"And on a Friday
fell all his mischance."
314
00:15:58,483 --> 00:16:00,539
The Knights
Templar were tortured
315
00:16:00,563 --> 00:16:03,949
by King Philip IV of France
on Friday the 13th 1307.
316
00:16:03,973 --> 00:16:06,019
Public hangings
happened on a Friday.
317
00:16:06,043 --> 00:16:08,099
And there were 13
steps up to the gallows.
318
00:16:08,123 --> 00:16:10,789
And what about all them kids
that got chopped up by a madman
319
00:16:10,813 --> 00:16:12,859
at that lake in
America? That was...
320
00:16:12,883 --> 00:16:13,939
Friday the 13th.
321
00:16:13,963 --> 00:16:16,324
Yeah. They made a film about it.
322
00:16:17,373 --> 00:16:20,379
There's lots of good things
happen on a Friday too, though.
323
00:16:20,403 --> 00:16:22,349
The end of the working
week, fish and chips...
324
00:16:22,373 --> 00:16:24,509
I bought my big
telly on Black Friday.
325
00:16:24,533 --> 00:16:26,739
Mind you, it was half the
bloody price a month later.
326
00:16:26,763 --> 00:16:28,219
It's swings and
roundabouts, in't it?
327
00:16:28,243 --> 00:16:29,659
You've pepped
up all of a sudden.
328
00:16:29,683 --> 00:16:32,149
What happened to
your claustrophobia?
329
00:16:32,173 --> 00:16:33,739
It's being on this lovely beach.
330
00:16:33,763 --> 00:16:37,170
Hmm. Just makes
me feel so relaxed.
331
00:16:37,194 --> 00:16:38,929
What time is it, by the way?
332
00:16:38,953 --> 00:16:41,019
Er...
333
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:43,219
Ooh, I dunno. My
watch has stopped.
334
00:16:43,243 --> 00:16:45,579
Oh, no... 13 minutes past.
335
00:16:45,603 --> 00:16:47,003
Right, that's it!
336
00:16:48,413 --> 00:16:50,459
GARETH PANTS
337
00:16:50,483 --> 00:16:52,613
BETHANY GIGGLES
338
00:16:59,003 --> 00:17:01,259
Dana, what...?
339
00:17:01,283 --> 00:17:02,739
What are you doing here?
340
00:17:02,763 --> 00:17:04,170
Is everything OK?
341
00:17:04,194 --> 00:17:05,349
Are you OK?
342
00:17:05,373 --> 00:17:07,699
It's fine. I'm fine.
343
00:17:07,723 --> 00:17:08,939
Why didn't you let us out?
344
00:17:08,963 --> 00:17:11,009
And who...? Who's this?
345
00:17:11,033 --> 00:17:13,499
Dr Marcel Rogers.
346
00:17:13,523 --> 00:17:17,440
Your wife asked me to
prepare this treatment for you.
347
00:17:17,464 --> 00:17:19,099
Treatment?
348
00:17:19,123 --> 00:17:20,619
What do you mean?
349
00:17:20,643 --> 00:17:23,300
I didn't know what else to do.
350
00:17:23,324 --> 00:17:25,109
Allow me to
introduce my friends,
351
00:17:25,133 --> 00:17:26,739
Sue and Johnny Robbins,
352
00:17:26,763 --> 00:17:29,659
from the Little Marlow
Amateur Dramatics Society.
353
00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:31,563
At your service!
354
00:17:34,603 --> 00:17:36,709
The magic of theatre.
355
00:17:36,733 --> 00:17:39,509
And let's not forget
our juve lead, Shelley.
356
00:17:39,533 --> 00:17:42,819
Come on in. No
need to be ashamed.
357
00:17:42,843 --> 00:17:45,139
Such a pleasure
working with you.
358
00:17:45,163 --> 00:17:48,019
They kindly took time out of
rehearsing Half A Sixpence
359
00:17:48,043 --> 00:17:49,709
to be here today.
360
00:17:49,733 --> 00:17:52,019
I do hope we gave
you what you wanted.
361
00:17:52,043 --> 00:17:54,789
The reviews are in and you
were excellent, dear, as always.
362
00:17:54,813 --> 00:17:57,579
Oh, you know I don't
read reviews, darling!
363
00:17:57,603 --> 00:18:00,059
Dana, what... what is all this?
364
00:18:00,083 --> 00:18:03,329
I know it's extreme, but Dr Rogers
said it was the only thing that would work.
365
00:18:03,353 --> 00:18:07,789
Exposure therapy, or
exposure in vivo, as we call it...
366
00:18:07,813 --> 00:18:09,969
Putting you, Mr
Beckman, in direct contact
367
00:18:09,993 --> 00:18:12,329
with your greatest fears.
368
00:18:12,353 --> 00:18:16,809
Your wife explained to me that
your paraskevidekatriaphobia
369
00:18:16,833 --> 00:18:18,819
was becoming unmanageable.
370
00:18:18,843 --> 00:18:20,379
My what?
371
00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:23,019
Paraskevidekatriaphobia.
372
00:18:23,043 --> 00:18:25,869
It's a fear of Friday the 13th.
373
00:18:25,893 --> 00:18:27,969
Puts me in mind of
the Gilbert and Sullivan
374
00:18:27,993 --> 00:18:29,509
we did last year.
375
00:18:29,533 --> 00:18:32,459
♪ I am the very model of a
paraskevidekatriaphobiac! ♪
376
00:18:32,483 --> 00:18:34,789
THEY LAUGH
377
00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:37,659
So... what, you've all
just been tricking me?
378
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:40,420
To... To what end?
To give me a stroke?
379
00:18:40,444 --> 00:18:42,449
I appreciate that the experience
380
00:18:42,473 --> 00:18:45,459
is very anxiety—inducing,
Mr Beckman,
381
00:18:45,483 --> 00:18:47,689
but you needed to stay in
the situation long enough
382
00:18:47,713 --> 00:18:51,339
for your irrational
fear to subside.
383
00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:53,019
For that, we needed to create
384
00:18:53,043 --> 00:18:56,229
a fully realised
worst—case scenario,
385
00:18:56,253 --> 00:18:59,589
hence the arrival of
your unwanted guests.
386
00:18:59,613 --> 00:19:02,339
I just loved all that
improv on the doorstep.
387
00:19:02,363 --> 00:19:04,979
I mean, Belvita — Where
did that come from?
388
00:19:05,003 --> 00:19:07,699
It was magnificent!
So, so funny.
389
00:19:07,723 --> 00:19:09,509
Oh, bless you.
390
00:19:09,533 --> 00:19:11,949
But it was the teeth, I
think, and the accent.
391
00:19:11,973 --> 00:19:14,669
Funnily enough, we both
just read them as Northern.
392
00:19:14,693 --> 00:19:17,669
She was exactly the same
in last year's Ayckbourn.
393
00:19:17,693 --> 00:19:19,869
Well, maybe not
exactly the same,
394
00:19:19,893 --> 00:19:21,379
but thank you, darling.
395
00:19:21,403 --> 00:19:24,060
And Johnny here went
all Method, of course.
396
00:19:24,084 --> 00:19:26,579
We had tools out all
over the living room.
397
00:19:26,603 --> 00:19:28,889
Mm, I read a very
interesting article in the Mail
398
00:19:28,913 --> 00:19:31,459
about Cumberbatch and
I thought that was the way
399
00:19:31,483 --> 00:19:34,099
to go with Barry Styles.
400
00:19:34,123 --> 00:19:36,619
But I shall miss
him, that's for sure.
401
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:38,099
What the fuck are
you talking about?
402
00:19:38,123 --> 00:19:39,609
Gareth!
403
00:19:39,633 --> 00:19:41,149
Who is THIS?!
404
00:19:41,173 --> 00:19:43,579
Where did you get
her? Sylvia Young?
405
00:19:43,603 --> 00:19:47,149
No, but she is on the
waiting list. My granddaughter,
406
00:19:47,173 --> 00:19:49,229
who did a wonderful
performance, I thought.
407
00:19:49,253 --> 00:19:52,619
Absolutely. Bravo! APPLAUSE
408
00:19:52,643 --> 00:19:54,749
She will make a first-class
Rosalind when she's older.
409
00:19:54,773 --> 00:19:57,190
I'm sorry, but this is bullshit!
410
00:19:57,214 --> 00:19:59,190
You're all talking like
what I'm saying is irrational,
411
00:19:59,214 --> 00:20:01,699
but it isn't! As I just
explained in there!
412
00:20:01,723 --> 00:20:03,310
That was a lovely
scene, by the way.
413
00:20:03,334 --> 00:20:04,789
It wasn't a scene. It was real!
414
00:20:04,813 --> 00:20:07,669
I was explaining the real world
history of this phenomenon.
415
00:20:07,693 --> 00:20:09,539
What phenomenon?
416
00:20:09,563 --> 00:20:11,060
Er, bad luck!
417
00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:13,459
It's not luck, though, Gareth!
418
00:20:13,483 --> 00:20:14,979
You avoid walking under a ladder
419
00:20:15,003 --> 00:20:17,219
because something
might fall on your head.
420
00:20:17,243 --> 00:20:19,969
You won't put shoes on the table
because you're gonna eat off it.
421
00:20:19,993 --> 00:20:22,170
Actors don't like
saying "Macbeth"
422
00:20:22,194 --> 00:20:25,459
because there are sword fights in
it and people get genuinely injured!
423
00:20:25,483 --> 00:20:28,363
Oh, no, she mentioned
the Scottish play!
424
00:20:29,963 --> 00:20:32,349
BOTH SPIT BOTH: Piss pots!
425
00:20:32,373 --> 00:20:34,629
BOTH CHUCKLE
426
00:20:34,653 --> 00:20:37,310
And you think I'M the one
that needs fucking therapy?
427
00:20:37,334 --> 00:20:39,819
That'll be our cue
for the interval.
428
00:20:39,843 --> 00:20:41,879
Shall we? Come on, Bethany.
429
00:20:41,903 --> 00:20:43,539
There's some lovely
cake waiting for you
430
00:20:43,563 --> 00:20:44,893
in the green room.
431
00:20:49,293 --> 00:20:53,214
Perhaps you ought to tell me
what's really going on here, Gareth.
432
00:20:54,363 --> 00:20:55,949
What do you mean?
433
00:20:55,973 --> 00:20:59,643
Your wife tells me there
was an inciting incident.
434
00:21:01,253 --> 00:21:05,413
Can you tell me about
October 13th 19787
435
00:21:06,603 --> 00:21:09,204
I believe it was a Friday.
436
00:21:11,074 --> 00:21:13,109
GARETH SIGHS
437
00:21:13,133 --> 00:21:14,529
How could you?
438
00:21:14,553 --> 00:21:16,969
I had to.
439
00:21:16,993 --> 00:21:19,629
It's taking over our lives.
440
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:21,389
Every Friday the 13th,
441
00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:23,060
three times a year,
442
00:21:23,084 --> 00:21:24,509
you are obsessed!
443
00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:25,949
I'm not obsessed.
444
00:21:25,973 --> 00:21:28,229
And it's not three times
a year. It's twice this year,
445
00:21:28,253 --> 00:21:30,389
twice next year and one
time the year after that.
446
00:21:30,413 --> 00:21:33,053
Why don't you tell
me what happened?
447
00:21:39,053 --> 00:21:41,803
You were on a
school trip to France...
448
00:21:44,204 --> 00:21:46,334
skiing in Le Corbier.
449
00:21:49,053 --> 00:21:51,819
But on that Friday morning
you had a stomach-ache
450
00:21:51,843 --> 00:21:53,763
and you didn't want to go.
451
00:21:55,204 --> 00:21:58,109
So you watched as all your
classmates got on that coach
452
00:21:58,133 --> 00:21:59,469
and drove away.
453
00:21:59,493 --> 00:22:01,979
CHILDREN CHATTERING ECHOES
454
00:22:02,003 --> 00:22:04,739
That was the last
you saw of them.
455
00:22:04,763 --> 00:22:08,269
The coach skidded on
black ice. TYRES SCREECH
456
00:22:08,293 --> 00:22:10,733
FLAMES WHOOSH
And it came off the road.
457
00:22:14,253 --> 00:22:16,589
All of them died.
458
00:22:16,613 --> 00:22:17,853
Except you.
459
00:22:19,163 --> 00:22:20,549
Survivor's guilt
460
00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:22,779
and its association
with that date
461
00:22:22,803 --> 00:22:26,003
has blighted you ever since.
462
00:22:27,803 --> 00:22:31,899
It's time for you to
confront your fears, Gareth,
463
00:22:31,923 --> 00:22:33,573
and put an end to it.
464
00:22:35,933 --> 00:22:37,973
We want you to smash the mirror.
465
00:22:39,763 --> 00:22:42,003
GARETH SCOFFS What? No.
466
00:22:44,163 --> 00:22:46,259
Break it.
467
00:22:46,283 --> 00:22:47,493
Break it.
468
00:22:48,693 --> 00:22:50,373
I can't.
469
00:22:52,163 --> 00:22:56,619
Friday the 13th
is just another day,
470
00:22:56,643 --> 00:23:01,060
a day when something
terrible happened in 1978
471
00:23:01,084 --> 00:23:03,259
that wasn't your fault.
472
00:23:03,283 --> 00:23:07,204
SLOW HARP NOTES PLAY
STRINGS PLAY QUIETLY
473
00:23:15,204 --> 00:23:16,859
Seven years' bad luck.
474
00:23:16,883 --> 00:23:19,029
Break the mirror, Gareth!
475
00:23:19,053 --> 00:23:21,060
And set yourself free.
476
00:23:21,084 --> 00:23:23,773
DISCORDANT STRINGS BUILD
477
00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:29,733
I'm sorry.
478
00:23:32,214 --> 00:23:35,133
GLASS SHATTERS
HORN BLARING ECHOES
479
00:23:36,163 --> 00:23:39,109
CHILDREN SCREAMING ECHOES
480
00:23:39,133 --> 00:23:41,973
TYRES SCREECH FLAMES WHOOSH
481
00:23:43,493 --> 00:23:45,803
HORN STOPS
482
00:23:50,053 --> 00:23:52,219
Well done.
483
00:23:52,243 --> 00:23:55,469
DOORBELL CHIMES What now?
484
00:23:55,493 --> 00:23:56,653
I don't know.
485
00:23:57,933 --> 00:24:01,269
FOOTSTEPS RECEDE
486
00:24:01,293 --> 00:24:03,499
DANA SHRIEKS Oh, my God!
487
00:24:03,523 --> 00:24:05,949
LAUGHTER DERMOT: Hey, everybody!
488
00:24:05,973 --> 00:24:08,060
Wow, this is quite the
party we're gate-crashing.
489
00:24:08,084 --> 00:24:09,779
Hello, but which one's Gareth?
490
00:24:09,803 --> 00:24:11,029
There he is.
491
00:24:11,053 --> 00:24:13,180
Hey, big guy!
492
00:24:13,204 --> 00:24:15,209
Congratulations, big guy!
493
00:24:15,233 --> 00:24:17,389
So, Gareth, you are
our millionth caller
494
00:24:17,413 --> 00:24:19,979
on the radio today, which
means you have banked yourself
495
00:24:20,003 --> 00:24:22,389
a whopping £130,000. DANA GASPS
496
00:24:22,413 --> 00:24:24,180
The big 1-3! There we go!
497
00:24:24,204 --> 00:24:26,579
WHOOPING Hey, come on!
498
00:24:26,603 --> 00:24:30,060
APPLAUSE Woohoo!
You are a lucky man.
499
00:24:30,084 --> 00:24:33,349
Thank you. Er... Is
this really happening?
500
00:24:33,373 --> 00:24:35,579
It most certainly is,
my friend. Well done.
501
00:24:35,603 --> 00:24:37,320
Can I just say, Dec,
502
00:24:37,344 --> 00:24:40,070
if you and Ant want tickets to
come and see Half A Sixpence,
503
00:24:40,094 --> 00:24:43,310
I'm pretty sure I can arrange a
couple of house seats for you.
504
00:24:43,334 --> 00:24:47,339
You'd be most welcome to come
and see if we've got the X factor!
505
00:24:47,363 --> 00:24:49,579
Thank you so much. Just leave
your details with my producer.
506
00:24:49,603 --> 00:24:52,484
I'd love to come. I just
love you both. Thank you.
507
00:24:52,508 --> 00:24:54,055
So, Gareth, what we'd love to do
508
00:24:54,079 --> 00:24:56,334
is do a little interview with
you, pre-recorded interview...
509
00:24:56,358 --> 00:24:58,014
..to play out on
the radio tomorrow
510
00:24:58,038 --> 00:25:00,158
before the big announcement.
How does that sound?
511
00:25:01,958 --> 00:25:03,358
I'd love to.
512
00:25:10,128 --> 00:25:12,228
GARETH GASPS
513
00:25:15,768 --> 00:25:18,124
Oh, no.
514
00:25:18,148 --> 00:25:20,238
DOOR OPENS I'm off now.
515
00:25:21,508 --> 00:25:22,788
OK.
516
00:25:23,949 --> 00:25:25,454
What's wrong?
517
00:25:25,478 --> 00:25:28,024
I thought I'd fixed everything.
518
00:25:28,048 --> 00:25:29,638
I thought I was cured, but...
519
00:25:31,038 --> 00:25:33,199
it turns out it was all a dream.
520
00:25:34,788 --> 00:25:36,588
What are you talking
about, "dream"?
521
00:25:39,118 --> 00:25:41,204
DANA CHUCKLES
522
00:25:41,228 --> 00:25:44,604
Aw, no, that's because
it's Saturday, you idiot.
523
00:25:44,628 --> 00:25:46,484
You just haven't
turned it round yet. See?
524
00:25:46,508 --> 00:25:47,548
Here.
525
00:25:51,558 --> 00:25:54,374
So, Dermot O'Leary...
526
00:25:54,398 --> 00:25:57,024
that all actually happened?
527
00:25:57,048 --> 00:25:58,544
Yes!
528
00:25:58,568 --> 00:26:00,974
Bloody Dermot bloody
O'Leary in our front room.
529
00:26:00,998 --> 00:26:03,694
I nearly died of shock.
530
00:26:03,718 --> 00:26:05,104
You'd better come down.
531
00:26:05,128 --> 00:26:07,414
Your interview's
gonna be on in a minute.
532
00:26:07,438 --> 00:26:08,568
Mwah!
533
00:26:18,128 --> 00:26:20,384
Right, so I'm meeting
Paula for breakfast.
534
00:26:20,408 --> 00:26:22,094
I'm gonna listen to you later.
535
00:26:22,118 --> 00:26:24,644
Oh, you should open this.
536
00:26:24,668 --> 00:26:25,774
What is it?
537
00:26:25,798 --> 00:26:27,848
It's the package from
yesterday. Open it.
538
00:26:45,838 --> 00:26:48,558
One last test, just to be sure.
539
00:26:49,949 --> 00:26:52,038
GARETH LAUGHS UNEASILY
540
00:27:03,199 --> 00:27:05,294
DANA LAUGHS GARETH JOINS IN
541
00:27:05,318 --> 00:27:09,185
Well done, darling.
Oh, I'm so proud of you!
542
00:27:09,209 --> 00:27:10,935
I'll see you later. Oh, yeah.
543
00:27:10,959 --> 00:27:12,648
Enjoy your interview. Yeah.
544
00:27:14,308 --> 00:27:16,614
Coming up, I chat to
our one millionth caller,
545
00:27:16,638 --> 00:27:20,464
who, yesterday, won
an incredible £130,000
546
00:27:20,488 --> 00:27:21,694
on Friday the 13th!
547
00:27:21,718 --> 00:27:23,185
We'll be hearing from him
548
00:27:23,209 --> 00:27:26,574
and what it feels like to
be so unbelievably lucky.
549
00:27:26,598 --> 00:27:29,175
Speaking of which, here's Kylie. MUSIC:
I Should Be So Lucky by Kylie Minogue
550
00:27:29,199 --> 00:27:31,214
TYRES SCREECH
THUDDING ♪ In my imagination
551
00:27:31,238 --> 00:27:33,055
♪ There is no complication
552
00:27:33,079 --> 00:27:36,278
♪ I dream about you all the time
553
00:27:37,308 --> 00:27:39,364
♪ I should be so lucky... ♪
554
00:27:39,388 --> 00:27:41,288
SONG CONTINUES
555
00:28:01,478 --> 00:28:04,508
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
40047
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