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1
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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:07,605
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:11,348
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,378 --> 00:00:14,308
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:17,751
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:21,148
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,221 --> 00:00:22,861
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:24,123
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:30,104
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:32,531
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
11
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,203
It's almost Oscar night.
12
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,698
Boy, we've lost so many greats
this year,
13
00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:38,713
including
a dead costume designer
14
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,142
who will get spill-over applause
15
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,180
from the photo of Sean Connery
that directly precedes him.
16
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:46,113
Tonight, we salute
some past Best Picture winners,
17
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,580
whichever ones I spin
on this wheel.
18
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,118
The wheel has spoken!
19
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:57,820
The Silence of the Lambs.
20
00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:07,971
Ah... what a beautiful day
to not get bodily fluids
21
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,965
thrown in your face and hair.
22
00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:14,207
And now, for some rock tunes
to pump me up.
23
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,744
♪ One, two princes kneel
before you... ♪
24
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,984
Oh, right,
'cause it's the early '90s.
25
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,950
Vaulting over a log.
26
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:23,715
Jumping a water hazard.
27
00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:25,947
Climbing up a cargo net.
28
00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:27,959
Becoming an FBI agent
is basically
29
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,418
like being on
Battle of the Network Stars.
30
00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:33,330
-♪ You rockets ain't in... ♪
31
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,001
- Aah!
- Agent Starling.
32
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,200
Good to see you.
33
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:42,965
Wh-Why is your face so big?
34
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:45,536
Oh, this movie is mostly
extreme close-ups.
35
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,306
Oh. Yeah. Weird.
36
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:49,244
Anyway, sorry you had to
come so quickly,
37
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:51,613
but this thing
with no timetable couldn't wait.
38
00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:54,748
We need you to talk to
a super smart psychopath.
39
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:56,078
How smart?
40
00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:57,723
Like, he can do
the New York Times crossword
41
00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:58,818
through Thursday.
42
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:00,949
Friday, he can maybe get
a corner or two.
43
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:02,724
So, what's the job?
44
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,219
Fancy creep, eats people.
45
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,131
- Talk to him.
- Got it.
46
00:02:06,193 --> 00:02:08,033
And this is a big deal,
'cause you're a woman.
47
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,598
We're not gonna say
it's a big deal,
48
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:12,073
but everyone watching
will know it's a big deal
49
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,272
'cause of the time period,
50
00:02:13,333 --> 00:02:14,943
even though
a man is helping you.
51
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:16,502
Now run along, toots.
52
00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:23,839
So, you're in the FBI, huh?
53
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:25,714
Me, too.
54
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,282
Got this bad boy
in Venice Beach.
55
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:31,586
Okay, all right.
56
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,345
You can talk to Lecter now.
57
00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:42,027
Hello, Clarice.
58
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:44,325
Dr. Lecter, I need your help.
59
00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:47,568
Nope, nope, nope. I'll only help
if there's a quid pro quo.
60
00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:49,204
Okay, what is it?
61
00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:53,469
I want Mario Lopez to record
my outgoing voice mail message.
62
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,140
What?! You're insane!
63
00:02:55,242 --> 00:02:58,382
He's a huge star
at this specific sliver of time.
64
00:02:58,478 --> 00:03:01,318
Figure it out.
Those are my terms.
65
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:10,086
Sorry, these Capri Suns are
notoriously difficult to open.
66
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:15,462
♪ Yeah, one, two... ♪
67
00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:18,403
:
♪ That's what I said now ♪
68
00:03:18,498 --> 00:03:20,168
-♪ Princes... ♪
69
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,444
You need some help?
70
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:29,442
Yeah, thanks.
71
00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:32,980
I can't seem to get
this giant 1991 computer
72
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,120
into the back of my van.
73
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:39,285
Careful, I had it on for
20 minutes, so it's very hot.
74
00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:46,534
Okay, I got what you asked for.
75
00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,227
Hey, this is Mario Lopez
76
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:49,858
letting you know
that Hannibal Lecter
77
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,233
can't get to the phone
right now,
78
00:03:51,298 --> 00:03:52,768
so please leave a message.
79
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,739
And now, I think I'm about
to be saved by the...
80
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:56,973
Not good enough!
81
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,910
I wanted him to record it
as Slater.
82
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,942
What?! You never said that!
83
00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:02,681
It should've been understood.
84
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,243
Don't test me, Starling.
85
00:04:04,311 --> 00:04:06,051
A census taker did that once,
86
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,576
and I ate his liver
with dry Cheerios
87
00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,579
and a mashed-up banana.
88
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,959
Sorry, I'm just
a little nervous.
89
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,492
When I was a girl,
90
00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:18,057
I went to live
on my uncle's farm,
91
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:21,195
and I heard
these lambs screaming,
92
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,001
screaming as they were
being slaughtered.
93
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,696
It was horrible.
94
00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:27,568
- And I want to thank
Alan Weiss at William Morris.
95
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:30,538
Also, my high school
drama teacher, Lucas Wohl.
96
00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:33,337
- Oh, they were just killing
those poor lambs.
97
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:34,607
I wanted to save them,
but I couldn't.
98
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:37,705
And, Mandy and Jenny at home,
go to bed, kids.
99
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,178
Mommy did it!
100
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,579
I am coming home
with one of these!
101
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:52,927
CVS brand lotion?
102
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:55,696
It's the same ingredients
as Nivea.
103
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:59,600
It puts the off-brand lotion
on its skin,
104
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,170
or else it gets the hose again.
105
00:05:02,236 --> 00:05:03,966
The top isn't even a pump.
106
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,371
You're paying for the pump!
107
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,180
Dr. Lecter,
we are running out of time.
108
00:05:15,249 --> 00:05:17,079
I need you to give me some clue,
109
00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:19,494
anything that might lead me
in the right direction.
110
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,523
His name's Buffalo Bill,
heavyset blond kid
111
00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:25,326
who lives in that crappy place
behind McDonald's.
112
00:05:25,392 --> 00:05:26,632
Hmm.
113
00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:27,833
I'll have to really lean
114
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,828
on my budding criminology skills
115
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,570
to decipher
these obscure breadcrumbs.
116
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,072
Coming up, dinner.
117
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:16,210
But first, I turn my back
to a dangerous murderer.
118
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:30,755
Oh, hey, Sarge. Your wife
called and said it was urgent.
119
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,428
Oh, uh, okay.
120
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:35,196
Yeah,
she sounded very not happy.
121
00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:36,902
You need to call her back ASAP.
122
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:38,074
Got it, thanks.
123
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:41,171
Starting to think
I did this guy a favor.
124
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,781
It puts its finger
on the doorbell.
125
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,614
We're looking for someone.
126
00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:53,579
Have you seen her?
127
00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:57,724
Oh, wait, is she
that great, big, huge, plump,
128
00:06:57,784 --> 00:07:01,194
very large, Rubenesque,
fat girl who went missing?
129
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,615
Yes, she is rather heavy,
130
00:07:02,689 --> 00:07:05,059
and as you can see,
not particularly attractive.
131
00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:06,958
We've had reports
that her personality
132
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,357
is quite grating as well.
133
00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:11,025
I can still hear you guys!
134
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:33,051
I'm not loving
this night vision setting.
135
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,990
Maybe I should try
Night at the Roxbury vision.
136
00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:45,629
- You? Me? You?
-♪ What is love? ♪
137
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:51,040
It puts the bullet
in the fat guy.
138
00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:57,178
And, for having
successfully scaled a cargo net
139
00:07:57,277 --> 00:08:00,547
and connecting two note cards
with a piece of red string,
140
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:05,454
Clarice Starling, you are now
officially a lady FBI.
141
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,562
You should probably answer that.
142
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,433
I mean, you're the closest thing
to a secretary in here.
143
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,940
Ugh.
144
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:25,565
Hello, FBI.
This is Clarice speaking.
145
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,012
Hello, Clarice.
146
00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:29,484
I just wanted to let you know
that I respect you,
147
00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:32,046
and how important it is
that you're a woman.
148
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,212
Thank you for saying so, Doctor.
149
00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:35,518
'Cause if you were a man,
150
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,716
I would definitely be captured
or dead by now.
151
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:40,354
- Oh, I...
- Like if you're Clint Eastwood,
I'm dead.
152
00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:43,124
- Harrison Ford? Dead.
- Well, Doctor,
I've really got...
153
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:45,333
You know, I'm not betting
against the Twin Peaks guy--
154
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:46,932
what's his name?
Creepy white guy.
155
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:49,264
- Kyle MacLachlan.
- Kyle MacLachlan, right.
156
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:50,303
How do I keep forgetting that?
157
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:53,000
It's like in my top five
dude names. I have a list.
158
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,640
- Dr. Lecter,
I really have to go.
- So do I.
159
00:08:59,273 --> 00:09:02,143
I'm having an old friend
for dinner.
160
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,039
Y-You're gonna eat a friend?
161
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,677
That was kind of
supposed to be the last line,
162
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:06,709
and you ruined it.
163
00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:08,823
I'm gonna say it again
and then hang up quickly.
164
00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:12,347
I'm having an old friend
for dinner.
165
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,422
- What?!
- Oh, my God, this bitch.
166
00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:22,597
My name is...
167
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:25,466
whatever Kevin Spacey's name was
in this movie.
168
00:09:25,532 --> 00:09:27,372
I bet you think
behind that door is
169
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:29,274
a happy,
all-American family.
170
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,066
Nope.
171
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,307
Just me in the shower
172
00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:33,505
with Johnson & Johnson
and Johnson.
173
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,477
There were some tears.
174
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,776
That's my wife out there,
cutting roses.
175
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,608
Oh, just a heads-up,
there's a ton of roses in this.
176
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:43,181
I guess they're supposed to
mean something. (sighs)
177
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,793
You know, when I agreed to this,
178
00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,952
I 100% thought it was
American Pie.
179
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,990
Always read the second word
of the title
180
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,216
before you sign something.
181
00:09:50,324 --> 00:09:53,064
Oh, hi, Carolyn.
We're your gay neighbors.
182
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,030
That's right,
and we're the only happy people
183
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,455
in the entire film.
184
00:09:56,530 --> 00:09:57,830
Oh, that's the other thing.
185
00:09:57,898 --> 00:09:59,368
This movie really
wants you to know
186
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:02,036
that traditional families are
the messed-up ones.
187
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:03,665
If you don't want
two hours of that,
188
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,144
go turn on The Matrix.
189
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:06,765
Aw, why aren't we doing that?
190
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,080
Have a great day,
191
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,311
two-dimensional '90s
gay neighbors!
192
00:10:10,344 --> 00:10:14,054
- Who are both named Jim.
- Right, who are both named Jim.
193
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,322
- Good morning, my darling.
- Hello, my love.
194
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,824
Keep in mind
that 9/11 hasn't happened yet.
195
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:21,687
So a strained family dynamic
196
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:23,755
is still the most
dramatic thing there is.
197
00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:27,827
Wow, what a beautiful,
fully heterosexual neighborhood.
198
00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:30,555
Yeah, no.
What's up is down here, bro.
199
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:33,071
Oh, hi, you must be
our new neighbors.
200
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,896
I'm Carolyn Burnham,
201
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:37,912
RE/MAX's top crying realtor
in the area.
202
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,811
Uh, thanks,
but we just bought a house,
203
00:10:39,907 --> 00:10:41,707
so we don't really need
a realtor.
204
00:10:44,578 --> 00:10:46,608
- You don't?
- S-Sorry.
205
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,520
It's okay. You know what?
206
00:10:48,582 --> 00:10:49,682
We'll buy another one.
207
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,993
:
Oh, great. Great.
208
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:54,655
Oh, looks like
your son and my daughter
209
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,085
are getting to know each other.
210
00:10:56,190 --> 00:10:59,530
Check out this video I took
of a plastic bag.
211
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,726
I'm thinking about
sending it in
212
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,931
to America's Funniest
Home Videos.
213
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,940
Really? Do you think
it's funny enough?
214
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,912
I don't know.
I just want to spend $2,000
215
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:15,735
flying to Los Angeles
to maybe win $1,000.
216
00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:21,723
- That's halftime.
217
00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:24,145
And now, please welcome
the Suburbia High School
218
00:11:24,218 --> 00:11:27,148
cheer quad,
the Dockers Zipper Pushers.
219
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,640
Who is that?
220
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,018
Ah! Ah, damn it! Ah, stop. Stop.
221
00:11:57,084 --> 00:12:00,024
I have seasonal allergies, guys.
222
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:02,217
- All right.
223
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,492
Now the marching band to play
224
00:12:03,524 --> 00:12:05,794
the Suburbia High School
fight song.
225
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,398
Geez, again with this song?
226
00:12:12,466 --> 00:12:14,936
Shut up and kiss me,
other gay Jim.
227
00:12:17,471 --> 00:12:20,071
Oh, no. No.
228
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,080
I'm very against that.
229
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:24,039
Remember that for later.
230
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,607
The next day, I quit my job
231
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:28,052
and was in no way
run out of the industry
232
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:29,878
for groping a busboy
in Nantucket.
233
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,920
It was a joke.
I was razzing the guy.
234
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,345
Come on.
235
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:38,432
I got a new job at a fake movie
fast food restaurant.
236
00:12:38,492 --> 00:12:41,932
God, why are movies so bad
at naming restaurants?
237
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:44,965
Welcome to Mr. Smiley's
BurgerTownVilleLand.
238
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,868
Would you like to try
a Large McIntyre?
239
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:50,504
Yes, my lover and I will each
have adultery burgers.
240
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,437
Second window.
241
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:58,208
- Two adultery burgers.
- Lester!
242
00:12:58,312 --> 00:13:00,982
Listen,
let's not make a big scene here.
243
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:02,121
We can talk about this
when we get...
244
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:07,452
You don't get to tell me
what to do anymore.
245
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,155
We need more ketchup.
246
00:13:10,224 --> 00:13:13,194
All right, there are some things
you can tell me to do.
247
00:13:13,327 --> 00:13:15,857
After that, I started
lifting weights in my garage.
248
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,359
But I lost track of a spider
249
00:13:17,431 --> 00:13:18,831
that crawled
behind the heavy ones,
250
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:21,769
so I had to use the dainty
weights ladies walk with.
251
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,595
Oh, hey. You got those drugs?
252
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:24,870
Yep, right here.
253
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:26,638
Oh, my God.
254
00:13:26,707 --> 00:13:29,007
Look at that plastic bag.
255
00:13:29,076 --> 00:13:31,036
So beautiful.
256
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:33,481
Do you do a lot of the drugs
yourself?
257
00:13:33,547 --> 00:13:34,917
I do, yes.
258
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:36,752
Okay, let me just get
on my knees
259
00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:40,587
and roll a joint at crotch level
like all drug dealers do.
260
00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:43,064
Great, and I'll just lean back,
away from the drugs
261
00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:45,490
like all drug users do.
262
00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:49,364
What the hell?
263
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:50,956
Am I seeing
what I think I'm seeing?
264
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:52,701
Help me out here, Mr. Furley.
265
00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:54,869
How did this thing win an Oscar?
266
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:57,495
It's basically Austin Powers.
267
00:14:00,574 --> 00:14:02,344
Yo, yo, check this out.
268
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,109
What if, like, Kramer is just
269
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:07,752
a figment of Jerry's
imagination?
270
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:11,084
- Wow. Yeah.
-'Cause think about it.
271
00:14:11,185 --> 00:14:15,585
We-we never see him interacting
with anyone else.
272
00:14:15,656 --> 00:14:17,056
Yeah.
273
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:21,034
Well-well, wait. I mean...
we-we do.
274
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:23,964
:
Oh, boy, am I glad you're here.
275
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:26,974
I don't think I like
what I saw earlier.
276
00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:28,244
Oh, was it The Phantom Menace,
277
00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:30,002
which also came out
this same year?
278
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:30,970
Yeah, what a mess.
279
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:34,371
Ricky, go on home.
I need to talk to Lester.
280
00:14:34,508 --> 00:14:36,108
Aw, I don't want to.
281
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:38,546
:
There's plastic bags.
282
00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:40,505
There are?
283
00:14:41,415 --> 00:14:44,715
Hey, you know how there's
two things we know for sure?
284
00:14:44,818 --> 00:14:47,788
We'll always be able to
bring box cutters on planes,
285
00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:50,358
- and I'm heterosexual?
- Yeah, of course.
286
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:53,660
Well, turns out only one of
those things is true.
287
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,357
Mm...
288
00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:57,462
Look, I think I gave you
the wrong idea
289
00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,674
with these pink weights and
pantomiming oral with your son.
290
00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:02,901
- I'm straight.
- I'm so sorry!
291
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:05,540
I got to go start a megachurch!
292
00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:07,442
Eh, seems right.
293
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:11,546
Oh, hey,
what are you doing here?
294
00:15:11,612 --> 00:15:12,582
I have a flight tomorrow,
295
00:15:12,646 --> 00:15:15,146
and Jane said I could borrow
your box cutter.
296
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:17,615
Man, I love cutting boxes
on planes.
297
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:21,594
And also-- and this is kind of
embarrassing and unearned--
298
00:15:21,655 --> 00:15:26,225
but I think you're sexy,
and I want to have sex with you.
299
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,203
Ah, sweet! Let's do this!
300
00:15:28,262 --> 00:15:31,532
I should let you know,
I'm a virgin.
301
00:15:31,632 --> 00:15:32,972
Not a deal-breaker.
302
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,433
And I should let you know
303
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:37,001
I'm Chris Hansen
from To Catch a Predator.
304
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,710
Aw, crap. Somebody shoot me.
305
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,006
Sorry, I didn't mean to...
306
00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:45,847
Whoa, you're Chris Hansen!
307
00:15:45,913 --> 00:15:49,323
Hey, what do you do with all
the leftover pedophile pizza?
308
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,686
Well, that was American Beauty.
309
00:15:51,752 --> 00:15:53,152
See you at the Oscars.
310
00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:54,620
I'll be there with my mom.
311
00:15:54,655 --> 00:15:57,515
That's not a big, obvious sign
of something, right?
312
00:16:11,872 --> 00:16:14,472
- How's work, Ralph?
- It's a breeze.
313
00:16:16,210 --> 00:16:19,080
- Give my best to Judy.
- Will do.
314
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,958
Hi, my name's Forrest.
315
00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:29,321
Forrest Gump.
316
00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:31,933
Would it be okay
if I sugarcoat race relations
317
00:16:31,959 --> 00:16:34,489
in the South for
the next two and a half hours?
318
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:37,871
Honey, I'm a Black woman
in a '90s Hollywood movie,
319
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:40,131
- that's what I'm here for.
- Great.
320
00:16:40,234 --> 00:16:43,844
My mama always said life was
like a box of Good & Plenty:
321
00:16:43,904 --> 00:16:46,214
most people just throw it away.
322
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:48,706
One day on the bus to school,
323
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,605
I met Jenny.
324
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,247
She was the love of my life.
325
00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:57,445
Hey, look, it's a guy
with nonstandard legs.
326
00:16:57,551 --> 00:17:00,591
Let's bully and
throw rocks at him and not me.
327
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:04,158
Run, Forrest, run!
328
00:17:04,892 --> 00:17:06,332
And in a magical moment
329
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:09,160
whose explanation
I assume was cut for time,
330
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:12,199
I could suddenly run very fast.
331
00:17:12,299 --> 00:17:13,699
But I happened to do it
332
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:16,797
in front of the meanest
lifeguard in Alabama.
333
00:17:16,837 --> 00:17:20,267
- No running!
- It's for a movie. God.
334
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:22,040
- I was such a fast runner,
335
00:17:22,176 --> 00:17:25,146
I went on to play
college movie football,
336
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:29,282
where all the tacklers dive
two feet behind you and miss.
337
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:32,948
After I graduated,
338
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:35,893
I joined the Army
and got shipped off to war.
339
00:17:35,956 --> 00:17:39,456
Vietnam is where I met
my best friend, Bubba,
340
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:42,956
who really wanted to have
his own squid fishing boat.
341
00:17:43,030 --> 00:17:45,300
In fact, he knew just about
342
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:47,265
everything you could do
with a squid.
343
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,974
Well, there's calamari...
344
00:17:51,805 --> 00:17:53,535
That's about it.
345
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,210
Ambush!
346
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:59,750
Oh, my God, Lieutenant Dan!
347
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:03,684
Damn it, save yourself, Gump.
348
00:18:03,717 --> 00:18:06,417
- Leave me here.
- All right.
349
00:18:07,621 --> 00:18:09,361
Bubba was also shot.
350
00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:12,233
And as always happens
when a soldier dies,
351
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:14,332
we discussed business ideas.
352
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:17,504
:
I'm dying, Forrest.
353
00:18:17,598 --> 00:18:20,298
I want you to buy
a squid boat in my honor.
354
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:23,437
How about a gym
exclusively for big white women?
355
00:18:23,537 --> 00:18:27,267
- There could be machines that...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
356
00:18:27,341 --> 00:18:30,741
You had me at "big white women."
357
00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:35,046
- After I got home from Vietnam,
358
00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:37,918
I got to speak
at a generic protest.
359
00:18:37,985 --> 00:18:41,045
There's only one thing
to say about Vietnam:
360
00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:44,218
I had this awesome red stuff
on all my food.
361
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:46,034
I don't 'member
what it's called.
362
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,456
It's not hot sauce,
but it's not ketchup.
363
00:18:48,562 --> 00:18:51,302
I think it's got
a rooster on the label.
364
00:18:51,365 --> 00:18:52,665
Forrest!
365
00:18:54,034 --> 00:18:56,204
Jenny!
366
00:18:57,004 --> 00:18:58,214
Aah! Son of a bitch!
367
00:18:58,305 --> 00:19:01,575
See, guys?
This is why no running.
368
00:19:01,642 --> 00:19:03,942
And then-- I know,
it's still not over yet--
369
00:19:04,044 --> 00:19:06,284
I bought a squid boat.
370
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:08,616
Lieutenant Dan was also
working with me.
371
00:19:08,682 --> 00:19:10,952
And you know
who's super helpful on a boat
372
00:19:11,018 --> 00:19:13,048
that's constantly rocking
in the water?
373
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,660
A wheelchair guy.
374
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:16,821
Hey, Forrest, I got our lunches.
375
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,669
So after I was rich,
376
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:28,041
Jenny came back
and had sex with me one time.
377
00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:30,401
Wow, that was great.
378
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:33,270
Sorry I was naming presidents during.
379
00:19:33,307 --> 00:19:35,077
So, we getting married or what?
380
00:19:35,142 --> 00:19:37,982
You don't want to marry me, Forrest.
381
00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:40,176
Yeah, you're right.
382
00:19:40,247 --> 00:19:42,377
Okay, well, have a good night.
383
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:45,019
And then,
shockingly late in the movie,
384
00:19:45,052 --> 00:19:47,022
I started running again.
385
00:19:47,054 --> 00:19:49,064
Like, across the country.
386
00:19:49,122 --> 00:19:50,322
Several times.
387
00:19:50,424 --> 00:19:51,934
The whole sequence
is a full eight minutes.
388
00:19:51,992 --> 00:19:54,132
I mean, sometimes this whole
movie feels like it was written
389
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,364
by a seven-year-old
who just ate a bunch of candy.
390
00:19:56,430 --> 00:19:58,470
But I checked,
it's just a regular guy.
391
00:19:58,532 --> 00:20:00,272
Anyway,
at least we were finally
392
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,697
to the time
in our nation's history
393
00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:03,999
when I could listen to this.
394
00:20:04,104 --> 00:20:07,614
♪ Princes,
princes who adore you. ♪
395
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:13,780
Forrest!
396
00:20:13,981 --> 00:20:17,421
I brought you chocolates
picked over by strangers.
397
00:20:17,518 --> 00:20:19,118
Forrest, I'm sick.
398
00:20:19,186 --> 00:20:21,986
- Sick? With what?
399
00:20:22,089 --> 00:20:24,189
Oh, I did a movie
about that once.
400
00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:25,961
It's called Splash.
401
00:20:26,026 --> 00:20:28,896
No, Forrest.
402
00:20:28,962 --> 00:20:31,502
Oh, I thought you said mermaids.
403
00:20:31,598 --> 00:20:34,068
But I did a movie about
your thing, too.
404
00:20:34,134 --> 00:20:35,804
But that's not all.
405
00:20:35,836 --> 00:20:37,296
I want you to meet my son.
406
00:20:37,371 --> 00:20:39,911
Six hours in makeup. One line.
407
00:20:40,007 --> 00:20:41,637
You're his father.
408
00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:43,638
Father?
409
00:20:43,677 --> 00:20:46,007
Is he... like me?
410
00:20:46,113 --> 00:20:47,483
Uhp, you died.
411
00:20:47,548 --> 00:20:49,218
And... feather!
29167
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