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1
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It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:08,091
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,345
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:14,765
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,101
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,605
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,273
All the things
that make us
8
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,108
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:30,030
He's a family guy
10
00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:37,704
- Mom, where's Dad?
- Over across the street.
11
00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:39,581
He's collecting Cleveland's
mail while he's out of town.
12
00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:41,583
Black guy mail.
13
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,962
Peter, you're just supposed to pick up
Cleveland's mail, not go through it.
14
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,631
Lois, black people are different
than you and I.
15
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,633
And me, I find that hilarious.
16
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,344
Boy, Cleveland gets
a lot of magazines.
17
00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:54,221
Grape Soda Today.
18
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:56,056
Orange Soda Quarterly.
19
00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:57,599
The Fruit Punch Reader.
20
00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,017
Hey, what you got there, Stewie?
21
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:02,020
Ooh, Mustache Aficionado.
22
00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:04,439
Wow, look at these men.
23
00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:06,191
What class, what grace.
24
00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,652
And all because
of a little upper lip hair.
25
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:11,238
Lois, I am going
to grow a mustache.
26
00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:13,657
Then I'll have it made
like the Monopoly guy.
27
00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:15,826
Except when he goes
directly to jail.
28
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,953
I wish I could tell you
29
00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:19,997
that the Monopoly guy
fought the good fight
30
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,082
and the Sisters let him be.
31
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,251
I wish I could tell you that.
32
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:27,004
But prison is
no fairy-tale world.
33
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,759
Hey, Rupert,
what if the refrigerator
34
00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,928
was a monster that
talked like this?
35
00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:36,972
I am a monster.
36
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:38,974
I am going to bite
your fingers.
37
00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:41,643
Here I come.
I'm going to get you.
38
00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:43,353
Ah! I don't want to play anymore!
39
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,731
Normal voice, normal voice!
The refrigerator can't hurt me. Okay?
40
00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:48,901
Oh, my God, Dad,
what's on your face?
41
00:01:48,984 --> 00:01:50,777
It's a mustache, Meg.
42
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,905
Oh, I think it's sexy.
43
00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,156
I think it's gay.
44
00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:55,699
It's not gay, Brian.
45
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,993
If I'm gay, then
Freddie Mercury was gay.
46
00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,661
Freddie Mercury--
the lead singer of Queen?
47
00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,038
He was incredibly gay.
48
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,497
He was not!
He had a mustache--
49
00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:04,416
which is practically
like a wedding ring.
50
00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:07,336
I imagine you're going to be
much more of a stern father,
51
00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:08,795
now that you have a mustache.
52
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:10,589
Well, Chris, there may be
more lap sitting
53
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,299
than there's been.
54
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:13,926
And I might answer most of
your questions with a story.
55
00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:16,011
But, mostly,
my mustache tells people
56
00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:18,472
that there is a 90% chance
that I am poorly educated,
57
00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:21,433
that I keep upscale porn
magazines out in the open,
58
00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:23,352
and that I listen to
the Little River Band
59
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:24,686
with giant headphones.
60
00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,647
Ugh! That's the ugliest thing
the Fatman's grown
61
00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:28,148
since that horse leg.
62
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,359
Hey, Peter, have you seen my--
63
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:33,237
Aw, Brian, I'm sorry,
but what do I keep saying?
64
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,072
Do not stand behind me.
65
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,865
Because I will get scared.
66
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,746
And now back
to "One Tree Hill."
67
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,873
Dude, let me tell you
something.
68
00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:48,293
There is nothing that'll ever
happen in the rest of our lives
69
00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:51,588
that's as important as what's
going on right here, right now,
70
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,632
in high school,
by these lockers.
71
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,801
I've got so many problems.
72
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:59,179
Hey, nothing that can't be
fixed by staring at a lake.
73
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,600
High school is such
a serious thing
74
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,770
These problems matter
75
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,691
God, these high school
students are lame.
76
00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:13,235
I'm a freakin' baby, and
I'm cooler than they are.
77
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,028
What the hell do you
know about high school?
78
00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:16,488
Are you kidding?
79
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:17,823
These kids today are
so easy to manipulate.
80
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:20,033
If you plopped me in
the middle of a high school,
81
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:21,994
I could be the most
popular kid there in a week.
82
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:23,537
Really?
83
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:24,997
Would you care to place
a wager on that?
84
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,498
Absolutely.
What are the stakes?
85
00:03:26,582 --> 00:03:28,792
Okay, if I win
and you can't do it,
86
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:32,671
you have to put your nose in Meg's hat
and take an eight-second inhale.
87
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:33,797
Okay, it's a bet.
88
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:34,882
- Great.
- Kiss on it?
89
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,133
- What?
- Oop.
90
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,222
Wow, Dad, you're up early.
91
00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:44,683
Yep, it's a mustache
kind of morning, Chris.
92
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,351
I watched the sunrise
in my jeans,
93
00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:48,145
jean shirt and jean jacket.
94
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,190
Gosh, mustache culture
is pretty cool.
95
00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:52,733
You betcha, son.
96
00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,735
I'm gonna make you some
hash browns for breakfast,
97
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,695
and then, later, I'm gonna take
you down to the whorehouse
98
00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:58,030
to lose your virginity.
99
00:03:58,113 --> 00:03:59,531
- Would you like that?
- Would I?
100
00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:01,700
Wow, that's a way better present
101
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:04,286
than that buff hamster
you got me last Christmas.
102
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:08,207
Dad, all it's done is
run on that wheel
103
00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:09,875
for the past three weeks.
104
00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:11,335
Yeah, looks like it's
in pretty good shape.
105
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,337
- Can I pick it up?
- I wouldn't.
106
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,509
Boy, you know, I've always
wanted to come in here,
107
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:21,094
and now that I got a mustache,
the timing feels right.
108
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,763
Wow, all this stuff looks
pretty good.
109
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,640
Can we get some salami, and...
110
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,099
Brian, Brian,
let me handle this.
111
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:28,143
Uh, scusi.
Bah buh-da boopy?
112
00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:29,937
- Peter, what are you doing?
113
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,064
Speaking Italian.
Ba-ba-da boopy?
114
00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:33,398
Ba-boo-ba-da-bee-
ba-da-ba-bada.
115
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:35,275
Peter, you can't speak Italian
116
00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:36,860
just because you have
a mustache.
117
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:39,696
Bo buh-da boppa! Bo bo bee bee,
ba ba beepy! Bappa!
118
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,797
All right, dog, here we go.
119
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,423
Prepare to lose a bet,
120
00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:01,802
'cause I'm about to become
the most popular boy in school.
121
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:04,721
Uh, excuse me, pardon me,
are you the cool children?
122
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,181
Yeah. Who are you?
123
00:05:06,265 --> 00:05:07,891
My name is Zac Sawyer.
124
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,309
I just transferred here from
125
00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:12,688
Rich, Expensive-Car-Drivin',
Sex-Havin' High School.
126
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,982
Whoa. That sounds awesome.
127
00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,942
No, it's lame.
Everything's lame.
128
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:20,195
Wow, if he says
one more cool thing, he's in.
129
00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:22,739
I wear long sleeve shirts
under short sleeve shirts
130
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,408
under long sleeve shirts.
131
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,785
- Oh, my God, you're wicked cool!
- Oh, you're so cool!
132
00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:29,288
You've checkmated
my teenage cynicism!
133
00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:32,416
Excellent. I'm a bigger hit
with the kids than Will Smith
134
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,126
and his nice, clean rap.
135
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:35,961
Woo!
136
00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:37,462
Ha-ha
137
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,256
I respect women
when I'm on a date
138
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,550
I take 'em to the park
or maybe a museum
139
00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:44,761
And I only try to kiss 'em
if they're ready, woo-hoo
140
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,014
What-what, what, a-what,
I say what-what
141
00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,266
Help out your mom and dad
by getting a job
142
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,019
So you can help pay for school supplies,
woo-hoo!
143
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:54,188
Say ho
144
00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:57,274
Wipe your shoes on the mat
when you come in the house
145
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,651
Someone just cleaned
that floor, woo-hoo
146
00:05:59,735 --> 00:06:01,069
Say what-what
147
00:06:01,153 --> 00:06:02,237
Ha-ha
148
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:06,950
Peter, don't you think you're kind of
149
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,994
letting that mustache
consume your personality?
150
00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:12,206
Shut up, Brian. I am part of
a very special community now.
151
00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,875
People with mustaches
look out for each other.
152
00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:18,921
- Hey. Oh, hey!
153
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,339
- Hey!
- Hey, Jeffrey,
154
00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,424
Peter Griffin has a mustache!
155
00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:24,092
- No way!
- Way.
156
00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:26,261
- Oh!
- I know!
157
00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:28,388
Oh, my God, Peter, look!
158
00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:29,765
McBurgertown is on fire!
159
00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:33,852
It's out of control!
160
00:06:33,936 --> 00:06:35,562
We need someone to man
the other hose!
161
00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:37,981
Hey, that guy has
a mustache! Grab him!
162
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:41,193
We need your help!
Take this hose!
163
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,029
MAN:
Help!
164
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:47,032
Oh, my God!
There's somebody trapped inside!
165
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:50,202
Wait, if I go in there,
I could get hurt.
166
00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:54,790
No! No, with great mustache
comes great responsibility.
167
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:02,548
My mustache!
168
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,386
No!
169
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,722
God bless you, sir,
you saved my life.
170
00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:13,600
But at what cost?
At what cost?
171
00:07:16,979 --> 00:07:18,522
Peter, have you
seen Brian?
172
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:21,191
No, Lois, I have not.
173
00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:23,193
Well, I haven't seen
him since this morning
174
00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:25,696
and I... What is
that on your head?
175
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,322
It's a mustache, Lois.
176
00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:29,032
What, you never seen
a mustache before?
177
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,784
Lois, would you mind calling
the police or something?
178
00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:32,035
Quiet, mustache!
179
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,537
Oh, my God!
180
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,247
Peter, I know you're upset
about losing that thing,
181
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:36,331
but get a grip on yourself.
182
00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:37,916
Let Brian down.
183
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,961
No. I'm not living my life
without a mustache.
184
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:43,338
Even if, sometimes,
my mustache has Alpo gas.
185
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,258
- Mustache fart.
186
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,887
Hello, I'm looking
for Peter Griffin.
187
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,388
I'm Peter Griffin.
188
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,931
Mr. Griffin, my name
is Todd Meyers.
189
00:07:53,015 --> 00:07:55,267
I'm the man you rescued
from McBurgertown.
190
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,978
Oh, yeah, you're the guy
who cost me my mustache.
191
00:07:58,061 --> 00:08:00,022
What, did you come over here
to rape my daughter?
192
00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:03,358
No, I own the restaurant,
and to show my gratitude,
193
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:07,779
I'd like to offer you a lifetime
supply of McBurgertown burgers.
194
00:08:07,863 --> 00:08:09,865
Free burgers?
195
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:11,742
Oh, man, this is
a way better offer
196
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,327
than the one I got
from Helen Hunt.
197
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,120
You wanna have sex?
198
00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:17,456
No...
199
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:20,334
No, no, no, no...
200
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:23,170
No... no.
201
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:28,967
Peter, you should
really slow down.
202
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:30,344
You've already had
like 30 hamburgers.
203
00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:31,803
Shut up, Brian.
204
00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:34,306
It relieves the pain
of mustachelessness.
205
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:35,432
And it's working.
206
00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:37,476
I no longer feel the pain.
207
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,478
Come to think of it,
I can't really feel anything
208
00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,271
on the left half of my body.
209
00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:43,440
Really? That doesn't
sound good.
210
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,108
Peter, are you
winking at me?
211
00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:50,155
Oh, my God, someone
call an ambulance!
212
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,701
Doctor, what happened?
213
00:08:54,785 --> 00:08:56,245
Is he gonna be okay?
214
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:58,872
Mrs. Griffin, your husband
has had a stroke.
215
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:01,458
The left half of his body
is completely paralyzed.
216
00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:03,126
Oh, my God!
217
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:05,629
Peter, sweetheart,
how do you feel?
218
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,048
Uh... had better days, Lois.
219
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,633
Had better days.
220
00:09:14,513 --> 00:09:16,431
Mom, it's been
three months.
221
00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:18,100
When is Dad gonna
get better?
222
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:20,686
Chris, I've already explained
this to you.
223
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:23,689
Your father had a stroke and it may
take him a long time to recover.
224
00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:26,900
Lois! Bring me
another beer, please!
225
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:36,743
Uh, Lois, you mind telling me
what the hell you think you're doing?
226
00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:38,579
I'm handing you a beer.
227
00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:41,290
You are handing it
to my stroke arm.
228
00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:42,875
This is my good arm!
229
00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:44,710
Bring the beer over here!
230
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,003
That's better.
231
00:09:50,883 --> 00:09:53,844
So, I'm shaving last night
at this make-out party.
232
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,262
I took a bunch of pictures.
233
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,264
You can see them on
my MySpace page,
234
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,683
along with my favorite songs
and movies and things
235
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,895
that other people have created, but
that I use to express my individualism.
236
00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:04,855
I have a MySpace page too.
237
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,356
Yeah, I have mine ironically.
238
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,858
Hey, why don't you
guys get lost.
239
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,568
I have to talk to Connie.
240
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:13,238
- Hey, guess what?
- What?
241
00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:14,865
That's what.
No, but seriously,
242
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,241
there's something I want
to talk to you about.
243
00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:18,410
Sure, Zac.
Anything for you.
244
00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:20,329
You wanna go out to
Anal Point this weekend,
245
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,788
see what all the buzz is about?
246
00:10:21,872 --> 00:10:23,582
OMG!
247
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,375
That'd be so awesome!
248
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,794
Sweet. We're gonna have
a real ragin' time.
249
00:10:27,878 --> 00:10:30,088
Before you know it, we'll be
like an old married couple.
250
00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:57,908
- Uh, Lois?
- Yeah?
251
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,327
Uh, Peter's getting in the car.
252
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,459
...baffled, trumped,
tethered, cropped
253
00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:10,337
Look at that low plane,
fine, then, uh-oh, overflow
254
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,047
Population, common group,
but it'll do
255
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,174
Save yourself,
serve yourself
256
00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:16,176
World serves its own needs,
listen to your heartbeat
257
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:18,762
Tell me with the rapture
and the reverent in the right, right
258
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,973
Your vitriolic, patriotic,
slam fight, bright light
259
00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:23,058
Feeling pretty psyched
260
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:27,896
It's the end of the world
as we know it
261
00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:35,445
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
262
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:38,115
Stop mocking me!
263
00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:43,787
Well, Brian,
you've lost your bet.
264
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:47,082
I-- or rather, my
alter ego, Zac Sawyer--
265
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,710
am currently the most popular
boy at James Woods High.
266
00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:52,212
Well, Stewie, you got
the best of me on this one.
267
00:11:52,296 --> 00:11:55,382
Congratulations. I guess you'll be
hanging up your wig now?
268
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,885
Oh, no, Brian.
I'm enjoying myself too much
269
00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,553
Do you know that
I've got a date
270
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:02,764
with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night,
at Anal Point?
271
00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:04,183
Ah, I've heard
about that place.
272
00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:05,809
Really?
What's it like?
273
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,311
'Cause I have no idea.
274
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,855
Well, uh, I suppose
if you imagine it
275
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,065
like a parking space
that you think,
276
00:12:12,149 --> 00:12:14,484
"Gosh, there's no way
I'm gonna be able to fit in there."
277
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,236
But then you fold in
the sideview mirrors,
278
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,030
and sure enough,
well, look at that.
279
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,115
Well, in that scenario,
it sounds like I'd rather be
280
00:12:20,199 --> 00:12:21,700
the parking space
than the car.
281
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,160
Yeah, that's what
I've always guessed.
282
00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:29,958
I hate being all strokey.
283
00:12:30,042 --> 00:12:32,669
This is all your fault,
McBurgertown.
284
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:35,005
You and your delicious
hamburgers!
285
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:38,008
I swear I'll get back
at you someday
286
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,844
for what you did to me
and what you did to Wimpy.
287
00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:43,889
I would gladly pay you Tuesday
288
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:46,308
for a hamburger today.
289
00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:48,352
If only there were some way
290
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:51,021
I could be like everybody else
again.
291
00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:06,995
How long was I in there?
292
00:13:07,079 --> 00:13:08,247
About five minutes.
293
00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:10,916
Why are we not funding this?
294
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,546
Sweetheart, that's incredible.
295
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,130
And it only took five minutes?
296
00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:19,132
Five minutes.
I went in there
297
00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:20,759
they injected me with a little bit
of that fetal crap,
298
00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,719
and bam, good ol'
gambling man Peter.
299
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:25,430
And now I can take my revenge
on McBurgertown.
300
00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:28,517
- Wait. What?
- It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian.
301
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:29,810
And I'm gonna sue 'em
for it.
302
00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:31,019
Peter, you ate
30 hamburgers.
303
00:13:31,103 --> 00:13:32,479
It was your own fault.
304
00:13:32,563 --> 00:13:33,939
Yeah, besides, Peter,
305
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:35,983
those companies have
huge legal divisions.
306
00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,609
You can't fight that.
307
00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:40,904
I'll find a way with the help
of my snarky cat lawyer
308
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,155
Meowsy McDermott.
309
00:13:42,239 --> 00:13:43,740
You've got to be kitten me!
310
00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:45,242
Ha!
311
00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:53,667
This court finds in favor
of the defendant,
312
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:55,127
McBurgertown Industries.
313
00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:57,588
What? Hey, come on!
That's not fair!
314
00:13:57,671 --> 00:13:59,715
Mr. Griffin,
what did you expect?
315
00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:02,718
They have a hundred lawyers,
and you tried to bribe me
316
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:05,179
with a subscription
to Grape Soda Today
317
00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:07,264
which I already have.
318
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,473
Case dismissed.
319
00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:13,812
What did I tell you, Peter?
One man can't take on
320
00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:15,981
a multinational fast food
conglomerate.
321
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,609
Oh, yes, I can.
This ain't over, Brian.
322
00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:21,236
Those people are bad,
and I'm gonna prove it to the world.
323
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,572
- How do you expect to do that?
- Are you kidding?
324
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,490
I've tackled
tougher jobs before.
325
00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:28,285
Remember that time I was Robin
Williams' jumping-off point?
326
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:31,163
- Okay... religion.
- Oh, religion.
327
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:33,081
You kill me, I kill you,
we both go to heaven.
328
00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:34,917
72 virgins, huh!
329
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,877
You might have to help me out
with the last ten or so
330
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,546
because Mr. Happy
gets tired-- religion.
331
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:42,799
- Uh... politics.
- Oh, politics.
332
00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:44,218
Well, we're gonna come down there
333
00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:45,594
and take all your oil.
334
00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:47,095
But this is our oil.
335
00:14:47,179 --> 00:14:48,764
Yee-haw!
Well, here's my missile.
336
00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,140
Okay, take it, take it.
337
00:14:50,224 --> 00:14:52,226
- Politics.
- Uh, you know what?
338
00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:53,477
I'm gonna take
a five-minute break.
339
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,853
Huh, five-minute break.
340
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:56,230
What are you,
a construction worker?
341
00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:58,148
Hey, baby, I'm not gay.
342
00:14:58,232 --> 00:14:59,858
Does this
yellow hat make my ass look fat?
343
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,527
Five-minute break.
344
00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,739
You enjoy the movie, baby?
345
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,534
Yeah, but I think
I'm gonna enjoy this even more.
346
00:15:08,659 --> 00:15:10,494
Ugh! No, thanks.
I am stuffed.
347
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,329
So, we just gonna
sit here and talk
348
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,956
or are we gonna do it?
349
00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:16,166
All right, baby,
those are the magic words.
350
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:17,334
Now check this out!
351
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,336
Oh, my God!
352
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,463
Yeah, I am ready for sex.
353
00:15:21,547 --> 00:15:23,549
I drank
eight gallons of water today.
354
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,425
This baby's ready to explode.
355
00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:27,553
Is... Is there more
underneath
356
00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:28,804
or is that it?
357
00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:30,013
I'm sorry?
358
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,560
Zac, just get the hell
out of my car.
359
00:15:38,856 --> 00:15:41,316
That's it? That was sex?
360
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,360
What a rip-off.
I should sue her.
361
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:45,904
Be careful you're not held
in contempt of cat.
362
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,406
Ha!
363
00:15:51,702 --> 00:15:53,787
Pardon me.
We're two Asian businessmen
364
00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:55,873
looking to invest
in McBurgertown Industries,
365
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:57,499
and we'd like a tour
of your facility.
366
00:15:57,583 --> 00:15:58,709
You don't look Asian.
367
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,252
Well, I guess we'll just take
368
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,379
our millions of dongs
elsewhere.
369
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,547
Wait, wait!
370
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:05,841
Let me get our general manager.
371
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:08,177
Peter, what the hell do you
expect to accomplish here?
372
00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:09,386
Evidence, Brian.
373
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,263
I'm gonna find just
the right piece
374
00:16:11,346 --> 00:16:14,016
of incriminating evidence
to bring down this company.
375
00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:16,101
Over here is a menu
376
00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:19,313
from our first McBurgertown
restaurant in 1952.
377
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:22,107
At that time, our value meal
consisted of a hamburger,
378
00:16:22,191 --> 00:16:24,151
a cup of coffee
and a Lucky Strike.
379
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:25,903
Wow. How much did all that cost?
380
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,363
Back in the '50s,
one straw penny.
381
00:16:28,447 --> 00:16:29,698
A whole strawpenny?
382
00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:30,991
Indeed. Follow me.
383
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:33,994
Hey, what's in there?
384
00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:35,871
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's off limits.
385
00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:37,748
Now if you'll excuse
me for a second,
386
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,833
I have to go to the bathroom
for about 30 minutes
387
00:16:39,917 --> 00:16:41,668
as I eat a lot of meat.
388
00:16:41,752 --> 00:16:43,879
Please give me your word that
you won't go in that door.
389
00:16:43,962 --> 00:16:46,924
- Okay.
- Good. See you in a half hour.
390
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:50,052
- Peter, this is your chance!
- Brian, I gave him my word.
391
00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:52,387
The hell with that.
Let's see what's behind this door.
392
00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,643
My God, what is this?
393
00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:00,103
This must be the McBurgertown
slaughterhouse.
394
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:04,274
Sir, you are correct.
But in here, we call it "DaCow."
395
00:17:04,358 --> 00:17:05,984
- DaCow?
- DaCow,
396
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:09,029
except we spell
the "chau" part C-O-W,
397
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:13,659
like "cow," so it's kind of a... eh,
sort of a dark joke.
398
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:14,868
Yeah, yeah,
it's a Holocaust joke.
399
00:17:14,952 --> 00:17:16,203
That's, that's really funny.
400
00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:18,914
Unfortunately,
life in a slaughterhouse
401
00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:20,415
is no laughing matter.
402
00:17:20,499 --> 00:17:21,959
They have killed
a great many of us,
403
00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:25,212
including my beloved wife.
404
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:26,672
Peter, this is it.
405
00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:28,465
This is the evidence
you've been looking for.
406
00:17:28,549 --> 00:17:31,301
If we can get you out of here,
would you be willing to testify
407
00:17:31,385 --> 00:17:32,553
publicly about these atrocities?
408
00:17:32,636 --> 00:17:34,012
Oh, absolutely.
409
00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:35,973
But how do you
intend to escape?
410
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,558
You leave that to us.
411
00:17:37,641 --> 00:17:38,684
Come on.
412
00:17:41,854 --> 00:17:42,938
GENERAL MANAGER:
Hey!
413
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,898
There they are!
After them!
414
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:56,451
Ta, ta-ta-ta, ta, ta-ta-ta,
ta, ta-ta-ta, ta, ta-ta-ta
415
00:17:56,535 --> 00:17:59,121
Ah, ah, ah, ah
416
00:17:59,204 --> 00:18:04,501
Ta, ta-ta-ta, ta, ta-ta-ta,
ta, ta-ta-ta, ta, ta-ta-ta
417
00:18:04,585 --> 00:18:07,087
Ah, ah, ah, ah
418
00:18:07,171 --> 00:18:10,591
Another Pleasant Valley
Sunday
419
00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:12,593
Sunday
420
00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:17,598
Charcoal burning everywhere
421
00:18:17,681 --> 00:18:23,353
Another Pleasant Valley
Sunday
422
00:18:23,437 --> 00:18:28,942
Here in
status symbol land
423
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,704
Hey, hey,
what's up, Lucas?
424
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,873
What the hell's
your problem?
425
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:45,167
Hey, Logan,
what's going on?
426
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,169
What the hell
is going on here?
427
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,754
Nothing, baby penis.
428
00:18:50,464 --> 00:18:53,258
Well, yes, I have a baby--
Oh...
429
00:18:53,634 --> 00:18:55,886
Well, for your information,
I don't want a big penis.
430
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:57,763
I think they're messy.
431
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:00,933
Well, you've effectively ended
432
00:19:01,016 --> 00:19:02,518
my reign of coolness,
haven't you?
433
00:19:02,601 --> 00:19:04,269
You're a disgrace,
you know that?
434
00:19:04,353 --> 00:19:06,480
Hey, you're the one
with the tiny penis.
435
00:19:06,563 --> 00:19:09,191
You know, Connie,
look, you're right.
436
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:12,027
I behaved like a fool.
And I apologize.
437
00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:15,822
But, before I go, could I maybe
have one last kiss?
438
00:19:15,906 --> 00:19:18,075
Well, I guess so.
439
00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:23,705
Look, this girl is making out
with a baby!
440
00:19:23,789 --> 00:19:25,457
A nude baby!
441
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:29,545
Hey!
442
00:19:29,628 --> 00:19:31,338
That's right.
To hell with you all!
443
00:19:31,421 --> 00:19:33,715
I am who I am.
444
00:19:33,799 --> 00:19:36,927
Here comes the story
of The Hurricane
445
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:41,223
The man the authorities
came to blame
446
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:44,017
For something
that he never done
447
00:19:46,562 --> 00:19:48,230
Quiet, everybody, this is it.
448
00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:50,732
The McBurgertown
franchise suffered
449
00:19:50,816 --> 00:19:53,443
a publicity setback today
from which it may not recover,
450
00:19:53,527 --> 00:19:55,445
thanks to testimony
regarding its practices
451
00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:57,447
by a very brave cow.
452
00:19:57,531 --> 00:20:00,617
I have revealed to you, today,
these horrors
453
00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:03,745
in the hope that you will
see the need for change.
454
00:20:03,829 --> 00:20:06,748
But always remember,
what I have done here today
455
00:20:06,832 --> 00:20:08,876
is not a courageous act.
456
00:20:08,959 --> 00:20:11,837
The courage lies with a man
who has the guts
457
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,339
to say no
to a fast food restaurant
458
00:20:14,423 --> 00:20:16,884
and eat a salad instead.
459
00:20:16,967 --> 00:20:20,053
To say, "I will eat this salad
with pride.
460
00:20:20,137 --> 00:20:22,556
I don't care
if I look like a gay person."
461
00:20:22,639 --> 00:20:25,559
So to all of you
salad-eating homosexuals,
462
00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,769
I say thank you.
463
00:20:27,853 --> 00:20:30,689
And thank you, Peter,
for all you've done
464
00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:33,442
to help expose
this grave injustice.
465
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:35,319
Where will you go now,
Mr. Cow?
466
00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:36,653
I cannot stay here?
467
00:20:36,737 --> 00:20:38,864
Peter said
I could stay here.
468
00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:41,825
Oh, gosh.
Yeah, I don't--
469
00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:44,161
I don't really see how
that's gonna work out.
470
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:48,957
Oh. Well, as I said,
Peter just promised--
471
00:20:49,041 --> 00:20:50,501
Yeah, I should
stop you there.
472
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:52,085
I didn't really
promise anything.
473
00:20:52,169 --> 00:20:54,796
I just said "Maybe,
if it was okay with Lois."
474
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,466
Boy, it just seems
like a real burden to me.
475
00:20:57,549 --> 00:21:01,303
Well, this is pretty awkward.
35184
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