All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S05E07.Chick.Cancer.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Coming up, a New Orleans man
says his socks are finally dry.

But first, the big news
in entertainment this week

is the lovable child actress,
Olivia Fuller.

Oh, my God, Brian,
that's Olivia

from the performing
arts school.

What sort of
overblown contract

has that dreadful
bitch landed now?

Most of you know Olivia

as the adorable
little girl

in the Tasty Juice ads.

Hey, Mom, can I
have some soda?

No, but you can have
some Tasty Juice.

It has only one-third
the sugar of soda.

Mmm. Delicious.

Thanks, Mom.

But little Olivia's career
may be over just as it begins

with today's announcement that
Tasty Juice will be dropping her

as their spokesperson
and replacing her

with a new ad
campaign featuring

rock and roll legend
Chuck Berry.

Open your mouth, baby,
here it comes.

But there is a silver lining
for local Quahogians,

as Miss Fuller will be appearing
at the Quahog mall this weekend

to mark the grand opening

of the new Brat Wraps Kids
Clothing store.

Oh, that's perfect.

Brian, we have to go
down there this weekend

and heckle her roundly.

I'll humiliate her worse
than Luke Skywalker did

to that Rebel pilot.

The exhaust shaft is only
two meters wide,

so you'll have to use
proton torpedoes.

Well, that's impossible.
Even for a computer.

It's not impossible.

I used to bull's-eye wamprats
in my T-16 back home.

They're not much bigger
than two meters.

Hey, uh, can-can I talk to
you privately for a second?

Sure.

Th-that, that, uh, that
was, that was unnecessary.

What's the problem?

Well, you-you just
kind of called me out

in front of everybody
back there...

-I was just making a point.
-I know, I know,

but you like just kind of
sandbagged me in front

-of everyone we know. Oh, oh,
-I sandbagged you?

In front of all of
our friends, yeah,

you sandbagged me.

I sandbagged you.
You sandbagged me, yes.

Well, here I am trying
to help you with something...

You know what, you know
what, you know what,

I don't need your kind
of help, all right?

Have a great assault.

Jerk.

Lois, I don't understand
why I got to sit through

a chick flick.

Peter, you promised
you'd come with me

to see Autumn's Piano.

Besides, you owe me big after
the way you embarrassed me

in front of Sandra Oh.

Oh, my God,
Sandra Oh.

-We loved you in Sideways.
-Thank you.

We see you in many movies.

I think about you
while having sex with my wife.

I thank you with one dollar.

That's a lot of money to them.

Lois, I'm just warning you,

if this movie turns me gay,

I'm going to start
bringing gay guys home.

And I don't mean the
classy "maybe they are,

maybe they're not"
gay guys.

I mean those big,
"Oh, my God,

"here they come,
floatin' around,

making noise" gay guys,

not the "fix up
your house" gay guys.

Peter, shh,
it's starting.

You must be Autumn Daniels.

welcome to Barncliffe
school for girls.

We're your roommates: I'm Sassy,

that's Pouty,
and this is Suicidy.

I got a bad feeling
about Suicidy.

Ain't no mountain
high enough

(laughing) Yeah!

You can tell all the girls
care about each other,

'cause they have so much
fun cleaning the dishes.

AUTUMN:
I have to leave,

and I'm taking my piano with me.

No...! Why?

Why?

She chose the piano
over her insulin.

You could've had both.

(crying)

(crying)

See? That wasn't so bad.

Oh, you know, Lois,

this movie has helped me
understand a lot of things.

Like that foreign
guy at work

who helped me
understand sarcasm.

Huh, nice day
we're having.

-Oh, ho-ho! Yes!
-What?

He say "Nice day,"

-but he covered with rain.
-So?

So, he say this when your brain
know is not really nice day.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-Ha-ha. Yes.

He say the opposite.
Is funny.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

-"Nice day."
-Oh, ho ho.

Now you funny, too.

Oh...

There she is, Brian.

Oh, boy, I am going to
take her down right

in front of everybody.

All right, Olivia,
get ready to...

-Good Lord.
-What is it?

Brian, she looks...

she looks fantastic.

And now TV's Olivia Fuller
will cut the ceremonial ribbon.

I hope I'm allowed to do this.

My mommy says,
"Don't run with scissors."

(laughing)
She's so cute.

I love children.
Look at my kids.

So everyone feel free to browse

and purchase
from our fine selection.

Hey, Mom, now would be a good
time to raise my allowance.

(laughing)

Oh, this one's
kind of nice.

Wha...?
Olivia!

Hey...!

Stewie?
Oh, my God.

Wow, this is--
it's been a while.

Yeah, no, it has.

Uh, what, so-so
you back in town?

Yeah, we're, um, uh,

we're moving back
into the old house.

Oh, that's, wow-- God,
y-you look great, I mean,

y-you're all, you're
all in shape.

My God, California's
been good to you.

I mean, I guess, I guess
you should be looking good

'cause everybody's a health
nut out there, right?

(both laughing)

Yeah.

Well, anyway, it was
nice seeing you again,

-so... You t-- Hey,
-uh, listen, um,

maybe you want to
come over on Friday,

it's, it's my
"Bernie Mac" night.

Um, i-it's a fun show if
you haven't seen it.

I-I can't understand what
the devil he's saying,

but you know, there's,
there's a lot of movement,

and it-it's bright
and colorful,

it keeps my attention.

Look, Stewie,
you're sweet,

but since I moved
to Hollywood,

I've done a lot
of growing up.

I'm dating more
sophisticated men now.

But it was good
to see you.

What happened?

She shot me down, Brian.

What do you care?

You came here to gloat

about her contract
cancellation anyway.

Yes, but that was before
I got a look at her face.

I mean, she's a woman
now, Brian.

So sophisticated,
so grown up,

and she says
she wants a grown-up man.

But, apparently,
that's not me.

Ya think so?

(boing)
(laugh track)

(laughing)

Who could forget that one?

Hi, I'm the Mayor of Comedy

here to tell you
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and "That went well."

Also
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Plus "Open mouth,
insert foot,"

And "Wait, if you're here,
then that means... oh boy."

(laugh track)

Order now and receive

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which includes
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(audience ohs)

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(audience ahs)

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This is an offer
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But don't take my word for it.

Hear what '80s mainstay Howard
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I love it.

Would Howard Hesseman lie
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We don't think so. Order now.

There we go.

You are ready for your date.

Yeah, that's a bed head.

Yeah, hey, look at you,
you just got out of bed.

You're the underachiever every
woman wants to sleep with.

Hey, big date tonight?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, listen, I'm, uh,

sorry about Olivia
rejecting you.

Oh, I haven't given
up yet, Brian.

She says she wants a more
mature, grown-up man,

so all I've got to do
is be more grown-up.

-What are you doing? Just cleanin' out
-your brush, man.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, Jillian.

Hi, Brian, ready to go?

Hey, baby.

Hi, Stewie.

What the hell are you doing?

Eh, not much, really.

Just me and my pubes,
ha...ngin' out.

Oh, dear God.

Boy, I am so beat

from doing adult stuff all day.

So am I.

I, just kind of feel like
kickin' it tonight.

Oh, look at that.
I'm growing all the time.

-Hey, uh, Jillian, can you give
-me a minute?

You ever just let
your balls hang out, B-Ri?

You ever do that,
B-Roney?

Drove my Chevy to the levee,
but the levee was Bri?

Give me my hair back.

Ow! What the hell, man.

Stewie, this is not
going to convince Olivia

that you're grown-up
enough for her.

Oh, yeah, what do you
know about women?

You want to know
how to get women?

There's only one place
in town you need to observe.

Just watch.

I am not doing
that, Glenn.

Come on, beautiful,
keep an open mind.

You're a sick man.

Hey, keep it down.
I don't want my neighbors

seeing a fat, old,
dirty whore screaming at me

on my front lawn.
Whore?

Well, maybe I
should come inside.

Well, maybe you should.

What the deuce?

Why the hell would
she respond positively

to such a negative comment?

Unless...

Brian, do women like it

when you treat
them like crap?

Well, I-I don't know
if you want to be

that black-and-white
about it.

That's it, isn't it?

Women respond when you treat
them like crap.

Well, Olivia, prepare to meet
a much darker Stewie Griffin.

Hey, babe.

What do you say,
we going out Saturday night?

Stewie, what are
you doing here?

I told you, I'm just into
a different type of guy.

Oh, yeah? I'll tell you
what you're into.

Being ugly.
Stewie, you're being mean.

No. If I was being mean,

when you opened the door
I would have said,

"Oh, hey, Ray Liotta,
is Olivia home?

Oh, wait, you're Olivia."

You see, I thought
you were Ray Liotta

because your skin
has the texture

of a decorative
autumn squash.

(crying)

So, I'll pick you up
at 7:00?

That sounds wonderful.

She said yes.

My God, I'm cooler than that
cheetah from the commercials.

(Rush's "Tom Sawyer" playing)

(grunts)

Oh, God, there is no (bleeping)
drummer better than Neil Peart!

It ain't easy bein' cheesy.

Oh Smilla,

your sense of snow is equaled
only by your sense of love.

Peter, have you
been up all night

watching chick movies?

Lois, before I found
these movies,

women only made me cry
through my penis.

Now they make me cry
through my eyes.

I've decided.

I'm making my own chick flick.

What? You don't
know anything

about making movies.

Are you kidding? I got lots of
experience in the film industry.

I was the original
"Pretty Woman."

You look beautiful,
but there's something missing.

(cackling laughter)

This is a beautiful
spot, Stewie.

I know. I love coming
here because you can just

sit here
and people-watch, you know?

Oh, oh, look at this.
Look at this guy.

-Look at this. Wha-What is that?
-What is he doing?

Just standing there
sm-smelling his hand?

(laughs)
"Wha-What is that?

"What is that
on my hand?

"Is that... is that
barbecue sauce?

When was I near
barbecue sauce?"

-(laughs): Oh, look, look!
-Jewish cowboy!

Jewish cowboy!
Yeah.

Not gonna be so
tough when

the sun goes
down, are you?

(both laugh)

Better go rassle up
some Chinese food,

Hopalong Nussbaum.

(both laugh)

You know, Stewie,
I'm really glad

I gave you
another chance.

-You're a really special guy.
-I know.

No, no, I'm kidding--
I'm not really

that self-centered,
but, you know, Olivia,

I can't think
of anyplace I'd rather be

than right here,
right now with you.

Oh, look at this guy.

Now, there's someone
who cuts his own hair.

Yeah, no kidding.
Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, check
out this uptight

Asian guy,
look at that.

I work really hard,
'cause I'm no fun.

(imitates gong)

(laughing)

Boy, this is-- this
is a great city.

I don't care what
anybody says.

I know. Look
at that sunset

against the skyline.

I know. Wow,
look at that.

A perfect end
to a perfect day.

Yeah. Well, we should
probably get home.

This area gets really
dangerous at night.

(metal clanking, roaring)

Okay, everyone, welcome
to the first day

of shooting for Steel Vaginas.

Peter, this movie doesn't
seem to make any sense.

It makes perfect sense, Lois.

This the scene where
our heroine, Vageena Hertz,

is told by Dr. McNugget here

that she has
uncurable chick cancer.

-All right, Joe, let's lose the wheelchair
-and shoot this thing.

Peter, I can't lose
the wheelchair.

I need it to move.

Okay, yeah, but your
character can walk.

Peter, I'm handicapped.
I can't walk.

Okay, Chris, roll film.

And... action!

Joe, get out of
the damn chair.

Chris, get the
cattle prod.

(zaps)
(screams)

Okay, now give him
some peanut butter

so we can make it
look like he's talking.

God, I hate
these things.

Sweetie, can't you
just have a good time?

-I don't know anybody. These are
-all your friends.

Just relax. Have some
cake or something.

Hey, hey, who do
we have here?

Oh, my God! Victor?

Hey, kiddo,
how are you?

Great! Great! Wow!

Stewie, this is Victor.

We did a Flintstones vitamins
commercial together.

-BOTH: Ten million strong
-and growing!

Oh, yeah, good to-
good to meet you.

How are you?
Victor's such a good actor.

He played a dead baby
on CSI: Miami.

Yeah, I-I'm more
into writing now.

Oh, hang on a sec.
Uh, idea for a short story:

guy picks his nose,
then eats it.

Yeah, good luck with that.
Uh, hey, uh, Olivia,

why don't you and I
go get some punch?

Oh, actually,
would you mind getting some

for Victor and me
while we catch up?

Or-or a third option.

-Why doesn't Victor go get some punch
-for you and me?

Or maybe you and I
could go away

from Victor and
go get the punch?

Or-or none of us
could have punch.

But still Victor
could go away.

Victor, would you
excuse us for a second?

Uh, sure.
Idea for a novel:

guy loses
his favorite blankie,

goes looking for it
and finds it in the kitchen.

Is that--
I amaze myself.

Is that-- I-It's genius.
It's unbelievable.

I don't know
where I get it from.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

You're acting like a jerk.
Oh, I'm acting like a jerk?

What about Phony Curtis
over there?

He happens to be
a very intelligent, successful actor.

And, you know, he's
done three national diaper commercials.

Yeah, let's put a
diaper on his face.

That's where the
crap is coming out. You don't own me.

I can talk
to whoever I want.

I don't see a ring
on my finger.

(wedding bells ringing)

I, Stewie, take
you, Olivia,

to be my lawfully
wedded wife.

Uh, what's
that, Rupert?

Oh, oh, kiss the
bride. Yes.

(congregation oohs)

Hi, honey! I'm home!

Hi, sweetie, how
was your day?

Well, I was an astronaut
for a while,

then I was a cowboy,
and then all afternoon

I was a fireman,
so it's been, uh...

it's been a long one.

Uh, what's for dinner?

Playdoh spaghetti.

Oh.
What?

No. No, I-It's nothing.

Just had Playdoh
spaghetti last night.

And that's all
we had last night.

What does that mean?

Oh, I don't know,
Olivia. Uh, maybe

that we are
in a sexless marriage.

We have yet
to have sex.

Do you even know
what sex is?

That's not the poi--
Don't change the--

-It's a kind of cake? Look, can we
-just drop this

-and have a normal pretend dinner?
-Fine, fine!

Uch, some days
I think it was easier

being Q-Bert's roommate.

God, it's all night
with this guy.

Hey, if you're gonna leave
all those lights on,

I'm not gonna split
the electric bill.

-(sighs): Sorry we're
-late, everyone,

but JonBenet here took
forever with her makeup.

Uh, yes, and we
probably would've shaved

a few minutes off our trip,
but Mr. Cheapo here

refused to let the valet
touch his Big Wheel,

so we had to drive
around the block six times

till we could
find a spot.

-But to his credit, it is a great spot
-to get mugged.

Oh, wouldn't that
be a shame, if they took all my money

out of both
our wallets.

Well, it's just good
to have you guys here.

Can I get you folks
something to drink?

Uh, yes, I'll just
have flat water.

Um, do you have
Hi-C Tropical Punch?

And it begins...

What? I can't have
a drink with dinner?

-Oh, so dinner started at 2:00 this
-afternoon, did it?

Yes, about the same time

you decided to hole up
in the bathroom

for three hours
waxing your eyebrows.

You swore you
would never--

I have a
prominent brow,

and I do what I
can to get by.

-Well, hey, what's important
-is that you're here now.

Let's just enjoy dinner.

Yeah, can't we just
have a good time?

Uh, ask Olivia.
Olivia, the three of us

are having a great time.
What's your problem?

My problem is you.

You're acting like a baby.

And we come
to the center

of the shrubbery maze.

That's what it all
comes down to, isn't it?

I'm not grown up
enough for you.

Well, you are a
baby, aren't you?

Stay out of it.
Stay out of it.

Well, if you
think I'm a baby,

then perhaps I should
act like a baby.

Waaaah! Waaaah!
Waaaah!

-MAN: Hey, could you
-keep that kid quiet?

Oh, oh, oh,
what's that?

What's that, sir?
What's that?

I-I'm sorry, am I
being too loud for you?

You wanna come
over here and quiet me down?

Oh, let's
not do this.

Oh, God.
Stewie, come on.

I'm scared.
No, it's okay. It's okay.

-Sir? You feel strong? You wanna
-come over here?

-MAN: No, I want to stay here
-and have my steak.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

-What is that, the porterhouse?
-Yeah.

How is it?
What do you care?

If we weren't fighting,
would you recommend it?

Yeah, I would.

(singsongy): Well, I know
what I'm getting.

Hello, everyone.

Well, here we are--
opening night.

You know, somebody once told me

that making movies was easy.

Yeah. Yeah, you know
what else is easy?

Open heart surgery.

MAN:
Oh-ho-ho! Yes!

Yeah, th-thanks
for coming, Fuad.

Oh! Is funny because
open heart surgery

not easy at all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Calm down, Fuad.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.

So, without further dudes, ah,

-let's, uh, watch this thing. FUAD:
-Oh-ho-ho.

-PETER: At first I didn't believe
-in women and unicorns,

but that was before I knew
about the power of chick stuff,

and before I knew
Vageena Hertz.

(thuds)
CLEVELAND: Sorry.

When Vageena was first born,

I had a small heart
and a lot to learn.

Push, honey!
Hurry up

and give me
my baby boy!

(squishing)

-(whispering): Cleveland, more
-Spaghetti-O's.

Oh, good, a baby.

Oh, no, it's a girl.

And I hate girls.

But one day,
Vageena went swimming

too soon after eating
a sandwich...

and this happened.

Help! Help! I'm drowning!

(coughing):
Help!

We gotta get this woman
to surgery time.

Right stat now!

But it was too late.

And she died
from an angry hymen.

Fin.

-(weak applause) Wow, that was
-the worst

piece of crap
I've ever seen.

Oh, horrible.
Oh, my God,

that was an
abomination.

That was awful.
Awful.

Awful, awful.

My ass is actually sore.

Hey, where's Olivia?

Oh, she's probably
up at the house.

Stewie?
Yeah?

-It's not your fault.
-What?

It's not your fault.

I know.

It's not your fault.

I know.

No, Stewie, Stewie.
It's not your fault.

Don't do this
to me, man.

Not you, man.
It's not your fault.

Screw you!
Cut it out, man!

It's not your fault.

(crying):
Why is it so hard?

I didn't know it was
gonna be so hard.

(crying)

Look, Stewie, you
stood up before God

and all your toys
and you took an oath

to stick it out when
things got tough.

You want her to see
you as an adult?

Well, this is adulthood.

You're right, Brian.

I can't hide
from this relationship.

It's my responsibility
to deal with it.

I mean, what kind
of a man would I be

if I ran off now?

Well, you'd be
a black man.

Wow! Wow!

Whoa, what was that?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That was my
father talking.

You, uh...

you gotta work
on that, man.

Bad dog.

Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I...

(all gasping)
Oh, Stewie! I-I thought

you were at Chuck E. Cheese
with your mom.

No. A four-year-old died
in the ball pit.

We had to cancel.

Is that the Silly Putty
I bought you this weekend?

Stewie, this isn't
what it looks like.

Uh-uh, yeah, Stewie,
I-I just dropped by to...

Uh, uh, uh, ain't nobody
talking to you.

Is... that
the Silly Putty...

I bought you
this weekend?

I, you know,
I-I'm really,

I'm sensing something
here, that, uh...

-I-I should be going. No, how about you
-stay here

and I leave and never
come back again?

Stewie, this isn't
how I wanted it to end.

But you did
want it to end.

You've made
that perfectly clear.

Uh, listen, are-are you
gonna be all right?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

(sniffs):
Is that smoke? (gasping)

Idea for a farce:

cheating wife
and pompous ass burned alive.

(maniacal laughter)

So what happened?

Well, you wanna know what
I learned this week?

Being a grown-up sucks.

Women, Brian. What a
royal pain in the ass.

It's like, it's
like, why can't

you just hang out
with guys, you know?

Just live with someone
of your own sex.

Just do what you
would do with women,

but with your buddy, you know, w-why don't
guys just do that?

They do, it's
called being gay.

Oh, that's what gay is?

Oh, yeah, I could
totally get into that.