All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S05E03.Hell.Comes.to.Quahog.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Oh, yes! I slam it, and you can suck it!

Joe, that was our last ball.

Don't worry. Mr. Moose will help us out.

-Won't you, Mr. Moose?
-Fine.

-Knock-knock.
-Ping pong balls!

Hey, guys, look at me.
I'm covered in balls.

-Just like...
-Just like Sharon Stone.

You beat me to it.

Man, I haven't had this much fun
since I was in that Broadway show.

I'm a Wolverine
And my hatred keeps me warm

A wolverine
So you Russians best be warned

Shooting commies
Drinking deer blood

Peeing in the radiator
Look up there

Here comes a really
Angry Russian helicopter

(EXCLAIMING)

It has been a red dawn.

Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you
to pick up Meg at the roller rink.

-No!
-We're just getting started!

Meg is my least favorite
of all your children.

It's all right. We'll just move the party
to the skating rink.

Who's sober enough to drive?

Okay, who's drunk,
but that special kind of drunk

where you're a better driver
because you know you're drunk?

You know, the kind of drunk
where you probably shouldn't drive,

but you do anyway because,

I mean, come on,
you gotta get your car home, right?

I mean, what do they expect me to do,
take a bus?

Is that what they want,
for me to take a bus?

Well, screw that. You take a bus.

-I'm that kind of drunk.
-Shotgun.

Dad, where have you been?
I've been waiting for over an hour.

Grab some wood there, bub.
Daddy and his friends have been drinking,

and we're gonna keep on drinking
until we each uncover repressed memories

of sexual abuse
by a trusted religious official.

Oh, that's crazy talk. Oh, my God!
Minister Washington, how could you?

Man, look at all these chicks.

(EXCLAIMING)

If I were a woman,

I would press my bare boobs
up against glass in public

just for the sexual thrill!
The sexual thrill!

(EXCLAIMING)

-How do I stop?
-Use the rubber stoppers on the front.

Hey, baby, how'd you like
to share a pair of skates?

-Sure!
-Never mind!

-Boy, you look a lot better from the back.
-You jerk!

Oh, hey, baby,
you want to go somewhere?

No, no, no! Wait. Wait. Quagmire,
remember what's on the other side.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

That was awesome!

Oh, my God!
That was completely by accident.

That was great fun.

I don't even remember why we came,
but I had a ball.

I look forward to reminiscing
about this tomorrow.

Dad! Wait! You forgot me again!

You need a lift?
Didn't answer me quick enough.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Remember those sweet,
warm New England summers?

Remember sipping lemonade
underneath a shady tree?

Remember when you hit that pedestrian
with your car at the crosswalk

and then just drove away?

Pepperidge Farm remembers.

But Pepperidge Farm
ain't just gonna keep it

to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge.

Maybe you go out and buy yourself
some of these distinctive Milano cookies.

Maybe this whole thing just disappears.

Meg, what happened?

Fat-ass and his drunk friends left me
at the roller rink.

You know, this wouldn't have happened
if I had my own car.

Meg, people have always found ways
to get around without a car.

Look at Iceman.

Honey, where'd you go
when you went out last night?

Just over to Tom's house.

Played some poker, had some brewskis.
You know.

Really?
Then would you mind explaining that?

At least they know how to touch a man.
Oh, walk away.

You know, Peter, maybe Meg
having her own car isn't such a bad idea.

-Yeah, I guess so.
-What?

I have been trying
to get a sewing machine for months,

but she gets a freaking car
just like that!

I hate this place.

Look at all these Hummers.

What kind of jerk
would drive one of those?

Dude, this car kicks ass,

and I can watch Madagascar
while I'm driving!

-What kind of music do you like, Gloria?
-Hippo-hop. Woohoo! Yeah, baby!

Dude, those animals are so fucking funny,

they make me want to merge
without looking!

Yeah! Rumsfeld!

Hi, there, can I help you folks?

Yeah, my daughter's looking for a car
that goes with her personality.

Yes, are the new bulimic-cutting mobiles
in yet?

This is a 1996 sedan.

Excellent gas mileage, air bags
and AM-FM cassette.

-I love it! Dad, this is the car.
-Hang on a second, Meg.

What can you tell me about this one?

Oh, that's just an old tank I use
for those commercials

where I declare war on high prices.

Now, about that sedan...

Hang on there, slick. Now I see your game.

We come in here wanting a practical car,

but then you dangle this tank
in front of me

and expect me to walk away.

Now, I may be an idiot,
but there is one thing I am not, sir,

and that, sir, is an idiot.

Now, I demand
you tell me more about this tank.

Well, if you're looking for quality,
then look no further.

That's more like it. Tell me,
what are the tank's safety features?

What a good-looking question.

Three inches of reinforced steel
protects your daughter

from short-range missile attacks.

I see, and does the sedan protect
against missiles?

-It does not.
-You hear that, Meg?

Yeah, it does not protect
against missiles.

See, these are the questions.
This is why I'm here.

Peter, you can't be serious.
This is a 30-ton war machine.

I'm still not sure.

-Did I mention the tank is a tank?
-Sold.

PETER: Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes.

-Bocce balls!
-I bought a tank.

Are you out of your mind?

Let me show you how the gun works.

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

What the hell?

No, no, no, no!

Hey, Peter, can you blow
that towel rack down here?

Thank you.

MAN: Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman
star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple.

-I ordered a pizza. I hope that's okay.
-Sure, I love pizza.

This half of the apartment is mine,

but if you want to come over here,
that's okay, too.

This isn't spaghetti. It's linguini.

You're right. It is.
I always get those confused.

-Hey, all of us are human.
-I'm glad we're friends.

Yeah, this is really working out.

There's no conflict in this movie!

When are you gonna get rid of that stump?

I've been asking you for months
to get rid of that stump!

I'll do it, all right?
Just get off my back!

She's gone. We can finally be together.

But, Tim, I'm rooted the ground.

We'll find a way. We'll find a way.

My God, it's hot. Brian, did you
turn off the air conditioner?

Just open a window. Air conditioners
are harmful to the ozone layer.

Brian, please, save your hippie BS
for the winter months, okay?

Morning, civilians.
General Griffin reporting for breakfast.

Dad, it's not fair.

My money paid for that tank,
and I haven't even got to drive it yet.

Jeez, Meg,
you always gotta ruin my good time,

just like basic cable.

MAN ON TV: We now return to Showgirls...

Yeah!

...on TBS.

All right, Meg, you got a feel for
the controls. Now give it a little gas.

Oh, great, it's here.
That mirror I bought on eBay.

Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING)

Joe, my God, what happened?

You just ran over me, you bastard!

I don't know where you got that thing,
but I'm impounding it!

(SNICKERING) Look at you.
You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

MAN ON TV: We now return
to the Ghost Whisperer.

I don't understand.
Why do all you ghosts come to me?

You're really...
I mean, you have a knack for...

We just trust you.

I can't believe you let Mr. Swanson

confiscate the closest thing
I had to a car.

Relax, Meg.
It's not the worst thing I've ever done.

You remember that favor I did
for that park ranger?

Hey, Boo Boo, let's see
what we got in this pic-a-nic basket.

(GROANING)

(SHUSHING)

Tell the other bears what you just saw.

Well, I don't care

'cause you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car.

You know, I read that they're opening
a Superstore USA across town.

Maybe you could get a job there.

No. No, no way.
You cannot work there, Meg.

Giant megastores like Superstore USA
are ruining this country.

They don't pay their employees
a decent wage

or give them health benefits.

-Yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA.
-What?

Welcome to the Superstore family, Meg.
Glad to have you.

Thanks. I'm really excited to get to work.

Now, let me just go over a few basics.

You'll earn minimum wage,
no overtime, no health benefits,

and every day at 3:00,
you'll need to give Sloth a Baby Ruth.

Oh, it's nearly 3:00 now.

-Here you go.
-You're beautiful.

I would go out with you if I wasn't
already in a committed relationship.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Oh, Peter, Superstore USA
has taken all my business.

Mine, too. In fact, the only guy in town
making any money

is that guy who makes tumbleweeds.

Y'all laughed at me. Y'all laughed at me.
Well, who's laughing now?

(LAUGHING)

What do you think of this?

-That makes you attractive.
-Yeah!

Well, maybe now you guys are seeing
what I've been trying to explain to you.

That megastore is a big, evil corporation

that means nothing but trouble
for this town.

Oh, man, this is the worst thing
to happen to this town

since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws.

Looks like someone's a little lost.

Everyone, I have some bad news.

Superstore USA
has their own brewery on site

and can sell beer at a much cheaper price,

so management has decided
to close down.

-You mean I'm out of a job again?
-I'm sorry, Peter.

Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday
at Richard Gere's house.

Okay, find the Easter egg.

-I know where it is. It's in your butt.
-No.

Yeah, I know the story. It's in your butt.

Mr. Griffin, if you'd just
look on the ground for five seconds,

I'm sure you'd find it.

-Nope, in your butt.
-Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor.

-In your butt.
-Mr. Griffin...

-Butt. Butt.
-Mr. Griffin...

You know what?
Just get the hell out of here.

Fine. Weirdo.

So how was work today, Meg?

Peter, you lost your job
because of the Superstore.

You shouldn't blame Meg.

And you can stop making that fart sound
every time someone says, "Meg."

So how was your day
exploiting the town's resources, Meg?

Meg.

Meg.

(RAZZING)

Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg!

Meg.

I'm not gonna sit here and take this.

I'm the only one in this family
who has a job.

Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.

-What did he just say to you?
-Nothing, there was...

Well, it's like if you were...
Forget it. It's nothing, Meg.

-Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
-And I'm Diane Simmons.

At the top of the news,

Quahog is suffering its worst heat wave
in a century.

That's right, Diane.
We now go live to Ollie Williams

with the black-you weather report.
How are you beating the heat, Ollie?

-Swimming hole!
-Thanks, Ollie.

In other news, Quahog
will be experiencing rolling blackouts

to help meet Superstore USA's
extensive power demands.

Oh, in fact,
Channel Five has just received

this message from the Electric Company.

Hey, you guys!

We're gonna turn it on

We're gonna bring you the power

It's coming down the line
Strong as it can be

Through the courtesy
Of the Electric Company

Contrary to those upbeat lyrics,

the Electric Company
would like us to emphasize

it will not be bringing you the power.

Great, rolling blackouts.

Now, Superstore USA
is siphoning off all the city's power.

-And they cost me my job.
-Mine, too.

Superstore USA
has their own paper route.

That new paperboy done gone
and broke my sternum.

(BOTH MOANING)

(SNORING)

This sucks. That damn Superstore
is ruining everything.

You know,
instead of sitting around complaining,

why don't we go down there and protest?

That's a great idea, Brian.

All we need is some magic markers,
poster boards, some plywood...

Actually, Superstore USA has
all that stuff. We can just get it there.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

There's one of them now.

Take that for stealing jobs
from hardworking people!

(SCREAMING)

Dad, what the hell are you doing?

We got a message for you.
"We're here. We're queer. Get used to it."

-Actually, Peter...
-Gattaca! Gattaca!

Peter, I don't think it's working.
People are still going into the store.

Well, fine, then I guess I gotta go
in there and drag them out one by one.

All right, who the hell is in charge...

What is that I'm feeling?

That's our
industrial-sized air conditioner.

When I walk into Superstore USA,
I get the sensation

that I'm standing on a mountain top
with the wind blowing through my hair!

My God,
look at this wonderland of treasures.

What would a guy like me have to do
to be part of this magical world?

You are trespassing on private property,
and I must ask you to leave.

What? Are you out of your mind?

-Leave this lot, losers.
-Unless you want a licking.

And we'd love to deliver that licking,

-right, fellows?
-Yeah.

-Love it.
-A lot.

I'd love to lick a lemon lollipop
in Lillehammer.

God, I wish the power
would come back on.

Boy, Meg, I am so looking forward
to this job.

Peter, I can't believe
you're working for Superstore USA.

How could you sell out like that?

Because, Brian, they have
an industrial-sized air conditioner,

Look, Dad, this isn't gonna be
a cake walk, all right?

I'm your supervisor.

Meg. Meg, I promise, I'll do better
at this job than I did on the SATs.

Come on, do math.

Dad, I need you to...
Dad, what are you doing?

Meg. Meg, look. Meg, look.
I am so freaking good at coloring.

I know I'm not supposed
to go outside the lines,

but I do anyway
because I like being myself.

Dad?

(PETER WHINING)

Dad?

Dad?

(PETER WHINING)

Oh, God, it's so hot.

Brian, spit on me.

Oh, that's nice. Now tell me I'm scum.

How will that cool you off?

God, it's awful in here.

This is even worse than getting herpes
from a toilet seat.

Joanie, it's me.

Oh, hey! You know, I had
such a great time with you last night.

Listen, there's something
I have to tell you.

I just got back from the doctor.
I have herpes.

I think you should
get yourself checked out.

Oh, my God.

-Will you stay?
-What?

Will you stay with me
even knowing that I have herpes?

Yes, I will.

-Joanie?
-Yeah?

I don't have herpes.
I just needed to know that you'd stay.

(SONG PLAYING)

I've had it. The only place in town
that's got power is Superstore USA

while the rest of us
are left to bake in the heat.

There's gotta be something we can do
to take that place down.

Don't worry, Brian.
I think I've got an idea.

BOTH: Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah!

Meg, you're doing a great job.

In fact, I'm promoting you
to assistant manager.

Really? Oh, my God! Thank you so much.

Now, your first responsibility
is to fire that employee.

Boy, I'm a little chilly.
I hope no one notices.

But that's my dad.

What's more important to you,
your job or your family?

And don't pick the obvious one.

Oh, hey, guys. I was just catching up
on some plunger nipples.

Dad...

Go on, Meg. What are you waiting for?

Dad, I'm sorry I have to say this,

but you're a fat-ass

who's completely incapable
of performing the simplest tasks,

but you're also my father,

and you're the only one I'll ever have,

so I'm not going to fire you.

Mr. Penisberg, I quit.

-Penisberg?
-Yeah, get it all out of your system.

Meg, that was a wonderful thing
you just did for me.

I can't believe this is coming out
of my mouth, but I love...

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

So you got a tank, big whoop.
Want to fight about it?

Well, I'm glad
that Superstore USA is gone.

That place was nothing but trouble.

And I think we learned something.

Any problem caused by a tank
can be solved by a tank.

Dad, you were about to say something
in the store.

-No, I don't think so.
-No, I'm sure of it.

I don't know. Something about
Hardcastle and McCormick?

No, you were going to say you love me.

You love me, and you know it.

Hey, hey, mouth, young lady.

Well, you think
you'll look for another job, Meg?

(RAZZING)

Meg!

Meg!

Meg!

(FARTING)

Pardon me.