All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S04E23.Deep.Throats.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a Family Guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things
that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam...ily... Guy

MALE TV ANNOUNCER:
Tuesday on Scarecrow and Mrs. King...

My God, what did those
drug dealers do to you?

Oh, they took my chest out
and threw it over there.

Then they pulled my legs out
and threw them over there.

Brian, you're still
watching TV?

God, you've been sitting there
since I left.

Yeah. I spent all morning
watching a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani.

I don't know what
a "hollaback girl" is.

All I know is
I want her dead.

Hey, can you
hand me the remote?

You know, you've been laying
around the house a lot lately.

Why don't you get
a part-time job like Peter used to have?

Ding, fries are done
Ding, fries are done

Ding, fries are done
Ding, fries are done

I gotta run, I gotta run

I gotta run, I gotta run

I work at Burger King making
flame broiled whoppers

I wear paper hats

Would you like an apple pie
with that?

Would you like an apple pie
with that?

Mom, guess what?

I just found out I got that internship
at Mayor West's office.

Wow, congratulations, Meg.

Yeah, it was a really
tough interview, but I totally nailed it.

All right, Meg, we're going to start
with a little word association.

I'll say a word, and you say
whatever comes into your head.

-Okay.
-Mosquito.

-Bite.
-Hmm. Bite.

-Mosquito.
-Ah, yes. Good one.

-Uh, mosquito.
-Bite.

-Mosquito.
-Bite.

-Mosquito.
-Bite.

-Bite.
-Mosquito.

Aha! Very good. You are
a worthy opponent, indeed.

Oh, honey,
I'm so proud of you.

You see, Brian,
Meg has a job.

Hey, Meg, if you're working for the Mayor,
you know what that means?

Even you're doing
better than Brian.

Hey, everybody,
Brian's the new Meg.

Brian's the new Meg.
Brian's the new Meg.

Yeah, you're
the new me.

Shut up, Meg.

Let's go, kids.
Time for school.

Lois, I don't want to ruin your morning,
but I flushed a diaper.

It's a mess up there.

(car horn honking)

Brian, what is this?
You're driving a cab?

Well, Lois,
I realized you were right.

I mean, it's time I went
out and got a job.

For God sakes,
I'm seven years old.

Seven? That's not bad.

You know,
Todd was 15 when he died.

The dog we had before you.

Hey, Peter, did you call me?

Yeah, I thought we'd
go to the park, Todd.

Oh, you're not taking me
to the vet, are you?

No, no, just a nice day
at the park.

I'm a little worried that
you're gonna have me put down.

I know there's been
some concern

about my sphincter's
low shutter speed.

No, no, we're just going
to the park, Todd.

Oh, okay, well, I'll enjoy
the ride, then.

Around the park
one more time, Bitterman.

Peter, I'm not
your chauffeur.

Not for long
with that attitude, Bitterman.

(groans)

Ah! This is living,
Bitterman.

This set of wheels is even better than
those talking cars on that commercial.

Hey, how you doing there?

Listen, uh, I couldn't help but notice
you across the parking lot and, uh...

You know, you're-- you're
very attractive and, uh...

You want to go
behind the Applebee's and do it? Huh?

You want to just go have some dirty,
stupid, insane parking-lot sex?

Chuck, it's me, Morty.

Yeah, 'cause we could...
What?

Yeah, they had me painted.

Oh! Oh, my God,
I'm so embarrassed.

-Oh, my...
-Hey, how do you think I feel?

-No, no, that, too, but...
-It's not all about you, you know.

Morty, oh, my God,
what are you doing? Look at you.

Think I was likea birthday present
for the kid or something like that.

Oh, my God, look at you.
You're-- you're-- you're hot.

I know.
I would've taken you...

You know what I would've
done to you back there?

-Yeah? Why didn't you say
-something earlier?

I said all that stuff. God!

Let's not--
Let's not rule anything out.

Hey, look, there's Lois.
Yeah.

Hey, honk the horn.

(horn honking)

Oh, hi, Peter.

-(laughing) Ram her.
-What?

I said ram her!

Ah! What the hell?

-Now shoot her tires out.
-What?

-You got a gun?
-Well, yeah.

Every cabbie carries
a gun, but...

Give me the gun.

(screaming)

What the hell is wrong
with you, Peter? You could've killed me!

Yeah, but I got
you good, Lois.

Admit it.
Just say it, I got you.

(laughing)

Oh, all right,
you got me.

-(both laughing)
-I told you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, what happened here?

Oh, we got into
a little accident.

It's all right.
Oh, no.

Well, I guess accidents happen
when you least expect them.

That's how come
they call them accidents.

Oh, look, you got
the community events cork board

wedged in your grill.

There, that's better.

Don't you all forget
to sign up

for the Quahog Community
Talent Show.

Talent show?
Oh, Peter, that could be fun.

Do you think we have
a chance at winning?

Absolutely. I love being
around the stage.

-Except for that time we went to see
-Phantom of the Opera.

Music is the gift
I give to you

PETER:
Let's see the gross half of your face!

Come on!

Let's see the gross half
of your face so I can get out of here!

That nose better be piggy.

Shut up.
You shut up.

E, E, G, G, G, G,
G, G, G, G, G

B, B, B

B, there it is
(chuckles)

Oh, your old guitar.
I haven't seen that thing in ages.

Well, Lois, I thought you and me
could do a song for the talent show.

It could be just like
the old days when we used to play.

You remember, Lois?

Remember our band,
Handful of Peter?

Hi, there. I'm Peter,
and this is Lois.

We want to talk to you
about a friend of ours.

He's not here tonight.

Although, you know,
he's kind of here, Lois.

You know, you're right.
He kind of is.

Yeah, because he's
in our hearts.

This is a song about that man
and his world

that was taken from him.

Noble Indian chief,
bring us back your ways

You Indians were so awesome
in, oh, so many ways

They all loved each other
regardless of the tribe

One Comanche
needs a cup of sugar

And the Blackfoot
would oblige

Oblige

The only cause of death
was drifting off to sleep

And they left
this piece of wisdom

That we hope
you all will keep

And they said

(babbling)

They're gone now.

How could this have happened?

BOTH: How?

Oh, I haven't thought
about that in years.

You know, it would be fun
to write some new songs.

You know what else is fun?
Watching Mr. Belvedere

without people
talking so loud.

So I was thinking we could...

Streaks on the china

Never mattered before

Who cared

When you drop kick
your jacket

When you came through
the door

No one glared

(cell phone ringing)

Hello. Hey, Lois,
what's up?

Milk? Yeah, I'll pick some up
at the end of my shift.

Oh, gotta go.
First fare of the night.

I should really pick up
that milk now before I forget.

You son of a bitch!

Hey, Brian,
you see that magazine cover right there?

See who's on it?

Yeah, that's Jessica Alba.

Yeah, you want to know
a secret, buddy?

What?
I would do her.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

I just wanted you
to know a little bit about who I am.

Thanks for the milk, Carl.

What the hell? $400?

My God, this is
a bigger rip-off than

Peter's
Sounds of the Rainforest CD.

This will help us
fall asleep, Lois.

(crickets chirping)

(monkeys screeching)

(lion roaring)

(truck backing up)

MAN #1: All right, let's get rid
of all these trees.

MAN #2: Once they're gone, this'll be
a great place to raise cheap beef.

Up yours, Sting!
Yeah, yeah!

Hey, what's that song
he does that I hate?

Uh, "Desert Rose."

Yeah, yeah,
that song sucks.

(electric saw whirring)

Meg, I'm going to lunch now,
and I'm having pizza.

So if you see
the Noid running around,

tell him if he ruins
my pizza's freshness,

I'll snap his neck.

Hey, Meg, I need to see
the Mayor about this $400 parking ticket.

Brian, you can't
just barge in here.

You have to make
an appointment.

But this is
flat-out extortion.

No, it's not. Adam can charge
whatever he wants for a parking ticket.

You know, Meg,
that guy's been playing fast and loose

with his position
for years now, and I've had it.

He's a corrupt bastard.

That is not true.

Yes, it is.

Somebody's got to stand up
and prove to this town that he's a crook.

And it looks like
it has to be me.

What was all the commotion?

Oh, nothing,
it was just...

(giggling)

(shouting)

(grunting)

(neck snapping)

Perhaps it was the Noid
who should've avoided me.

Oh, you know what, Brian?

It took me two hours
to spell "hat" with these things.

I finally got the "T"
right side up,

and then you come in here...

You're a bastard.
Where are you going?

I'm going to expose Mayor West
as the corrupt politician that he is.

I'm on my way to meet a source
who won't talk to me over the phone.

Ooh! Scandal in Quahog.
Count me in.

Thank you for coming,
Deep Throat.

You'll understand
if I don't come out from the shadows.

My identity will be safest
if you never see my face.

Uh, okay.

Mayor West hasn't slept
at home for three nights.

Kermit the Frog?

(gasps)
Somebody talked! No one is safe!

I'm getting out of here!

(exclaiming)

What's his appeal?

They should make a tube
that sends you right to work

That would save
a lot of gas

But I guess there'd be
a lot of tubes

Well, that wasn't
very good.

We're never gonna
win that talent show.

Hey, now, Peter,
you gotta remember

that when we used
to write the old songs,

we had a lot
of "inspiration," huh?

You know, I think Brian
may have some inspiration

in a cigar box under his bed.

I don't know, Lois.
I don't think this is gonna work.

Come on, we can't
give up on our goals.

What if Jesus had done that?

(children clamoring)

Why is the ironing board
still out?

That's-- That's my favorite
picture of Brian over there on that wall.

He wants to have
sex with me so bad.

(LAUGHING)

He's not...

He's not gonna get to.

(laughing)

All right. There he goes.
Let's move.

I say,
what are we looking for?

I don't know, some proof
of Mayor West's corruption.

What are you doing here, Brian?

Still trying to smear my boss?

No, no, no. I actually
came to my senses

and realized I was
out of line.

Uh, I'm just here
to apologize.

Oh, and, uh,
you're so pretty.

You're always pretty.

Oh, you guys are so sweet.

Oh. Well, it's my pleasure.

Hey, can you guys
hold on a sec?

I gotta get this
to Helen in Accounting.

Okay, bye.

(retching)

Aha!

The Mayor's date book.

This should tell us
what we wanna know.

All right,
let's get out of here.

Oh, God, I feel more delirious
than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.

I'm in love with Katie Holmes!
I'm in love with Katie Holmes!

I'm not gay!
Go see my new movie!

I'm in love with Katie Holmes!
I'm not gay!

All we need is
one incriminating entry in this date book,

and that's our ticket to...

Hey, Brian.
What's up?

Uh, hi, uh,
Lois, Peter.

Brian, did you know
this couch was here?

It's so comfortable.

Hey, Lois,
look how short Stewie is.

(giggling)
He's so short.

Oh, my God.
He is short.

Well, uh, you two are
busy being nude.

So, um, we'll
just, uh, head out and, uh...

let you be nude.

Who were those guys?

I don't know.

Room for one more?

(vocalizing)

Well, this is
the last entry in the date book.

"Super secret meeting
at motel. Inform no one."

I think we got him now.

You know, you really shouldn't
lie on that bedspread.

I saw this report
on TV about how filthy hotel rooms are.

In a moment,
we will use the special lights

to see just how filthy
this seemingly clean hotel room really is.

(animals calling)

Well? What do you see?

Oh, Jem, you are
truly outrageous.

Truly, truly,
truly outrageous.

I see a grown man
enjoying cartoons.

(SIGHING)
Well, that's it, then.

The only thing this guy
is guilty of is being a whack job.

Wait, wait, wait.
Somebody's coming in.

Oh, it's just
some fat hooker.

Oh, my God, it's Meg!

-What?
-Meg and Adam West.

Ew!

-(sheep bleating)
-Oh, oh. Sorry, sorry.

God, this is incredible.

The Mayor is dating
a teenage intern, and it's Meg.

What a story.

This is the perfect scandal
to take him down.

All we need is
taped evidence.

Well, I've got
the disguises right here.

I thought you were
supposed to get the suit and the top hat.

I liked this one better.

Anything to wear
a dress, huh?

Gosh, you're swell, Meg.

I really have a great time
when I'm with you.

Oh, Mayor West, I feel
exactly the same way.

Oh, please, please.
Call me Mayor ChapStick.

Well, we should probably go.

(gasps)
Here they come. Kiss me.

Come on, we gotta follow them.

Stewie?

Huh? Oh. Oh.

Everything all right?
Uh, yeah.

Uh...

Hey, listen,
freaking shot in the dark.

You wanna do
something sometime?

Great practice, Lois.

We are totally ready
for that talent show.

Oh, my God, Peter,
I am so wasted.

All I want to do
is make cookies.

(gasps)
Oh, my God, I have a great idea.

Let's make cookies.

We don't have to, Lois.

Look, there's a magical land
of desserts right behind you.

(both laughing)

Help! Stop!

(gasps)

Oh, Brian. You scared me.

Another late night, huh?

Yeah, Mayor West
keeps me pretty busy.

Yeah, I noticed.

(gasps)
Where did you get that?

Meg, what the hell
have you gotten yourself into?

You realize he probably
does this with every new intern.

That's not true.
Adam and I are in love.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Listen, I'm warning you
because I care about you.

I am going to the press
with this story, and when it hits,

it'll be bigger
than Uncle Sam's nipples.

Jeez! What the hell?

Uh, they're called
nipples, guys.

They're freaking huge.

You know what? Maybe we can just all relax
and enjoy the sauna.

Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles

I have to tell you
something, Adam.

You're an alien. I know.

No, no, my dog is gonna expose
our relationship to the press.

Well, so what?

You and I know
that we haven't done anything wrong.

I told you that I'd
wait for you until you're 18 or 21.

Or maybe 25,
when you can legally rent a car.

They don't care.

They're gonna make you
look like a monster.

I see.

Well, Meg,
I'm a public figure.

I'm used to
the tabloids' doodie.

It's you I'm worried about.

You're just a sweet young lady
with her whole life ahead of her.

This story could ruin your future,
and I can't let that happen.

I'll take the fall,
no matter what.

Good-bye, Meg.
I'll always value your friendship.

I love you, Mayor ChapStick.

(sighs)

(Brian clearing his throat)

(gasps) Brian?
What are you doing here?

I, uh, just wanted
to give you this.

I don't think
I'll be needing it anymore.

I got so caught up in
taking down Mayor West

that I just lost sight
of right and wrong.

Oh. Thank you, Brian.

Well, can I give you
a lift home?

My cab's right outside.

(shouting)

(roaring)

Good evening.
I'm Diane Simmons,

and I'd like to welcome you
to Quahog's Fifth Annual Talent Show.

Let's have a round of applause
for our first performer.

There's no mustache
like my father's mustache

That's the biggest mustache
in town

Play me off, Johnny.

Huh, what else be funny tonight?

Uh, Star Jones got married.
That was in the news.

Married a black fellow,
which is quite a surprise

because I'd call her
quite a catch.

And black guys, by and large, they're not
so helpful on a fishing vessel.

Now, Portuguese,
absolutely, absolutely.

I even had a couple
of Japanese guys who worked out great.

Thank you very much.
You guys have been terrific.

And now, our final performance
of the night.

Let's hear it
for Handful of Peter.

(audience applauding)

In God's eyes,
everybody's hot

This world has beauty
all through her

Picture the fattest chick
you know

God would totally do her

He'd do her all the way
Even call her the next day

To see how
her work was going

(audience cheering)

I can't believe we lost the talent show.
What'd we do wrong?

Well, Dad, I think I can shed
a little light on that.

You guys were so baked,

you didn't sound anywhere
near as good as you thought you did.

I was in the audience.

(both shouting)

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh. And here we thought
the weed was inspiring us.

Well, that's a popular
misconception, Mom and Dad.

But the fact is
the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC,

a mild form of acid,

prolonged usage of which
can cause adverse effects

to your sexual potency,
short-term memory loss,

and can also severely damage
your brain tissue,

central nervous system
and basic motor skills.

To put it simply,
Mom and Dad,

there's a reason
that they call it dope.

Trying to watch
Mr. Belvedere.

So my advice to
the two of you would be...

According to
our new arrival

Life is more than
mere survival

And we just might
live the good life yet

(vocalizing)

(theme music playing)