All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S04E21.I.Take.Thee.Quagmire.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are
those good old-fashioned values

On which we
used to rely?

Lucky there's
a family guy

Lucky there's
a man who positively can do

All the things
that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

All right, Peter.
You made it to the bonus round.

-Congratulations.
-Thanks, Regis.

REGIS: Okay, the category
is "Actor and Show."

So, we need
five consonants and a vowel.

Oh, okay. Um...

"Z." Four.

"Q."

Another "Q."

Uh...

A third "Q."

And the Batman symbol.

REGIS: Okay, no help
there. Fifteen seconds.

If you want to take
a shot at it, talk it out.

Is it Alex Karras
in Webster?

I don't believe it.

Oh, my God! I just took
a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

Okay. You have $1,300.

Why don't you go ahead and pick out
some prizes from our showcase?

Okay, let's see.
Oh, boy! Everything looks nice. Um...

All right, I'll take
the ceramic Dalmatian for $600.

And, uh, boy,
that TV looks nice.

Uh, give me the
one free week of maid service.

And, uh, I'll take
the hat rack.

Um, hey, how much
for that fat guy in the circle?

I don't see
a price tag on that.

-REGIS: That's you.
-Oh, oh, embarrassing.

Okay, well, in that case,
I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.

Oh, sweetie,
you look so handsome on TV.

I can't believe
you actually won.

But I suppose it's not
the strangest thing

I've seen on a game show.

Like when Adam West
was on Jeopardy.

All right, players.
The answer once again is,

"It was the
first spacecraft

to land on the surface
of Mars."

Adam, what was
your response?

"Kebert Xela."

-(scream)
-(zap)

Only saying
his name backwards

can send him back
to the fifth dimension, where he belongs.

All right,
whip them out, woman.

It's time for
the afternoon meal.

My goodness, Stewie.
I guess you're hungry.

Honey, not so
rough this time. Mommy's very sore.

And, by the way,
let's be clear.

I only like you
as a friend.

(doorbell rings)

Hi. I'm Joan.
I'm your maid for the week.

Me Peter. You maid.

Um, I do speak English.

You maid,
clean for me, Peter.

You clean Peter mess.

Peter, stop it.
Welcome to our home, Joan.

I'm Lois.
Won't you come in?

Oh, boy! My own maid.

This is gonna
kick more ass

than that magical
ride I took.

It's the Great
Space Coaster

Get on board,
on the Great Space Coaster

We'll explore,
a comet ride of fantasy

To a place where dreams
fly fast and free

With new friends
and new things to see

We'll spin you
through the galaxy

Well, we are
officially lost.

On the Great
Space Coas--

Shut up, Ricky!
Just shut up right now!

Unless the next words
out of your mouth are directions

how to get back
to the fish skeleton,

I'm gonna punch you
right in the stomach!

Joan, it's great
to have you here.

No one's cleaned
my belly button in a long time.

Lois is afraid
to go near there

and my fingers
are too thick.

What is this?

A carton of Parliaments?
I haven't smoked in 10 years.

Hey, keep digging.

Oh, ColecoVision.

Yeah! This could be
a fun afternoon.

JOAN: Mr. Griffin,
this is unbelievably humiliating.

Hey, hey, Lois wants me to go to the store
and the car's low on gas.

Oh, crap!

This is truly
a sight to behold. An awesome spectacle.

Peter Griffin, a once great champion
of the motor speedway

now a study in
moppishness.

-The hell I am!
-(dings)

Ya!

-ANNOUNCER: We now return to Malcolm
-in the Middle.

And I told you boys
to pick up your clothes!

And who left the wet
towel on the bed?

I swear to God, sometimes I feel like
just going on strike!

What would you all do if I went on strike?
Huh? What would you do?

I'm talking to you!
You know what? That's what I'm gonna do!

I'm gonna go on strike!
And you can all try living without me!

You didn't think
about that, huh?

That's what I'm gonna do!
I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna do tha--

Kids, we're free.

We're finally free.

LOIS: Ouch.
Damn, that hurts.

What happened?

I was breast-feeding
Stewie, and he bit me again.

I think he might have
even broken the skin.

I see. Um...

Maybe I should, uh,
you know, uh, look at it.

I, uh-- I, uh...

I have seen
a lot of medical shows.

You see, the areola
is very tender here.

And I think one of his
new teeth may have

bitten down
right on a duct.

I'm sorry. What?

I don't know
what to do, Brian.

Breast-feeding's
just so painful

since Stewie's teeth
are coming in.

Now I know how Alec
Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers.

There you go.
There you go.

Eat up, Stephen.
You're the weakest.

Well, maybe it's time
to wean Stewie.

Huh. I suppose it would
make my life easier.

You know what?
I'll give it a try.

-Thanks, Brian.
-No problem.

(stuttering)
Uh... Any other problems you have, too,

like, for example,
around your underpants

that you want me
to take a look at,

-I could take a look at that, too.
-Huh?

Please pull down
your underpants.

All right, boys.
It's my maid's last night,

so we got to
make the most of it. Now, I filled

this watermelon with chocolate pudding
and M-80 firecrackers.

Hey, Meg.
Will you hold this for Daddy?

Okay. Why?

Uh, it's a present.

It's a thanks-
for-being-such-a- sweetie watermelon.

So you'll hang
onto that?

Yeah, sure.

(yells fearfully)

This is weird.
Am I supposed to eat this?

(scream)

I hate you! I hate you!

Oh, maid!

Oh, my God!

Everybody,
this is Joan.

-Hi.
-Hello.

(romantic music playing)

(speaks elf language)

(speaks elf language)

Uh, uh, hey, there.

Uh, I mean, it's n-nice
to pleasure your acquaintance.

Uh, I mean, w-would you like
to go out to dinner tomorrow night?

I'd love to.

God, he works fast.

Hey, Quagmire,
is that a banana in your pocket

or a (bleeps)
in your pocket?

Do you want to say 9:00?

Sure. See you then.

Oh, my God! I'm in love.

(romantic music playing)

(sighs)

Time for dinner,
sweetie.

Very well, then.
Take off your shirt.

No, honey. No, no.
Tonight we're gonna have formula instead.

Ah! Ugh! That's
more disgusting

than when Peter
went through that Daisy Dukes phase.

So who's up
for some hoops at the park, huh?

Oh, there you are.
Come here, you basketball.

(both scream)

It's like
a walrus flossing.

I-I know it's different
than you're used to,

but you'll see
it's just as good.

Yes. That's what
we were promised

about Jim Belushi
some 25 laugh-free years ago.

Wow, it's so
lovely here, Glenn.

Well, this is our
three-week anniversary, Joan.

I wanted this date
to be special.

You know, this place
is unique because if you're lucky,

some nights
around sunset,

the screaming black
dolphins come out.

Oh, wow! Really?
I've heard they're just beautiful.

DOLPHIN (in African-American accent):
What's going on, man?

DOLPHIN 2:
Who's-- Oh, what's going on yourself?

(dolphins laugh)

I almost drowned yesterday.

Oh, man!
It's wet out here.

Oh, look at them.

They're magical,
aren't they?

Listen, Joan...

I have something very
important to ask you.

-DOLPHIN: Hey, James.
-DOLPHIN 2: Mm-hmm.

DOLPHIN: I'm gonna see
how long I can hold my breath.

DOLPHIN 2:
I see you breathing out your hole.

What is it, Glenn?

Joan, I've decided
I want to spend my life with you.

-Will you marry me?
-(gasps)

Oh! Of course I will.

Nothing would make
me happier than to be Mrs. Quagmire.

DOLPHIN: Hey, man.
I see you got some seaweed on your tail.

DOLPHIN 2:
Where? What? Oh!

DOLPHIN: You know I'm
just playing with you.

DOLPHIN 2:
Man, you are--

Oh, I thought
you was talking about the other seaweed.

DOLPHIN:
You know I got jokes!

(dolphins laugh)

DOLPHIN 2:
I'm gonna slap you with my fin.

Man, I never would
have thought

Quagmire'd get married.

No, no.
I know Quagmire.

And I'm telling you,
this has got to be some kind of prank.

You know, like that
prank I pulled on Ashton Kutcher.

Ashton, come here.

Ha ha ha.

You've just been
tomahawked.

That's my show.
Tomahawked.

So, how's the
weaning going?

Oh, it's horrible.

Giving up breast milk
is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I'll bet the
founding fathers

had an easier
time writing the Bill of Rights.

All right, we're done.

You think the language
in the Second Amendment is clear enough?

You know, about the
right to bear arms?

Of course it's clear.

Every American
has the right

to hang a pair of bear
arms on their wall.

How could that possibly
be misconstrued?

All right.
Fantastic then.

Wait. You know what?
Before we send this to the printer,

let's take that
abortion thing out.

Boy, I never thought

we'd be going to
Quagmire's for an engagement party.

I'm telling you guys,
he's putting us on.

He's the same
old Quagmire.

Hey there, neighbors.
Are you lost? Aha ha.

I'm just joshing.

Of course we're
expecting you. Come on in, friends.

Uh-uh, if you
all will just

take your shoes
off there.

Joan and I kind of
do the Japanese thing.

(thinks)
Uh-oh, foot odor.

I have to go.

I have, uh,
terrible foot odor.

Glenn, your place
looks wonderful.

I feel like I can touch
things in here now.

We brought you guys
a bottle of wine.

BOTH: Ooooh, Montrachet!

I like our friends.

So, Joan and I just love
Without a Trace, don't we, honey?

-Yeah, it's all right.
-We think it's all right.

What are you
talking about? You hate CBS.

Ooh. "Hate" is a word

we don't use
in this house.

Joan and I always say,

"If you don't have
anything nice to say about someone,

don't say
anything at all."

We say that,
right, honey?

-Sometimes.
-Sometimes we say that.

Hey, Quagmire.

Check out this month's
Hustler, huh?

-Quagmire?
-Now, this is neat.

These people have put
an old-fashioned Colonial spinning wheel

in the center
of their living room, as furniture.

Oh, that's what I want
in my house.

(pop music)

All right, Quagmire.
Time for your lap dance.

No, guys. I
can't do that.

It's degrading to women.

Come on, Quagmire.
It's got to be you.

I'm married,
Cleveland's got foot odor,

and Joe's dead
from the waist down.

Aaaaagh!

Why do you
bring me here?

Oh, Brian, my breasts
are so sore.

And they've gotten
so engorged from the weaning,

I've gone up
two bra sizes.

What-- What did you do
with the old bras?

Okay. Got to time this
just right.

One, two, three!

(screams)

Help! Somebody
get this baby off me!

Stewie! I'm so sorry.

By the way, you
call those cheap implants boobs?

Those aren't boobs.
They are lies!

I can't believe it.

Quagmire's gone
all sissy-man Alan Alda on us!

Well, what can
we do about it?

The wedding's tomorrow.

There's only
one thing to do.

We got to break it up.

Gosh, Peter,
thanks so much for being my best man.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

In fact, I got a
wedding surprise for you.

All right, back
it up, guys.

I know you have
a foot fetish

so I got you
this Statue of Liberty's foot.

Oh, thanks, Peter.
But Joan's all the foot I need now.

What? But, Quagmire,
that's the real foot from the Statue of--

No, no. I'm okay.

Hey, do you have any idea

what I went through
to get this?

A lot. A real lot.

You think this is just,
"Oh, here comes Peter

"with the Statue of
Liberty's foot.

Oh, isn't that a gas?"

No. No. The reality,
the real reality

of getting this
together was staggering.

You know, this cost
me $437,000.

Don't ask me
how I got it.

I had to call in a
whole bunch of favors

from people
I've never even met.

So the very least
you can do

is just rub up against--
I don't know.

Well, if you
want I can--

No, no. No,
no, it's fine.

No. Whatever.
Whatever. Just go to your wedding, man.

(speaks Spanish)

No. No. No. No. Take--
Just get it out of here.

Peter, what's
the matter?

This is a happy
occasion.

No, it's not, Lois.
It's horrible.

You don't know what happens to a man
when he gets married.

It's like a disease that rots you
from the inside out.

-I know, Peter, but...
-(snaps)

Oh, damn it.
I can't believe

how much my breasts
have swollen.

(gasps)

Oh, look out.
Champagne.

Peter, stop.

Oh, Lois,
you're all wet.

Here, let me
jiggle you dry.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Giggity giggity God!

I've made a
terrible mistake!

(sobs)

Oh, my god!
You blew it up!

You really did it!

Damn you all to hell!

Oh, God. I got to get
out of this marriage!

Cleveland, how did you
get out of yours?

You slept
with my wife.

It's easy, Quagmire.
Just tell her to hit the bricks.

Yeah. You've
gotten out of commitments before.

Wow, that was great.

Sure was. See you.

But you said we were
gonna get married.

No. I only said that
so you could googooety my geshmoigen.

(laughs like
Woody Woodpecker)

So, anyway, what I'm
trying to tell you is,

some of the guys thought
we should get a divorce.

What?!

Bu-Bu-Bu-Bu--
But I told them

they didn't know what
they were talking about.

Good. Good.

'Cause if you
ever left me,

I'd have to cut myself.

And then I'd cut you.

I love you, Glenn.

I love you, too,

insane-woman-I'm-having-
second-thoughts-about.

-What?
-All right.

(whirring, hissing)

Yes. Sleep away, woman.

But I'm here to claim
what's rightfully mine.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's the stuff.
Yeah, yeah.

(scream)

Dear God! I've got to
get a hold of myself.

Look at me...
sucking pilfered milk off a dirty carpet.

I'm as pathetic
as the fat man when he tries to read.

-Hey, Lois, what's this word?
-"Evel."

-And this one?
-"Kneivel."

-And this one?
-"Was."

-And this one?
-"Born."

-And this one?
-"In."

-And this one?
-"Montana."

Huh! Hey, Lois. Did you
know that Evel Kneivel

was born in Montana?

You didn't tell her?

Look, I told you
she was gonna kill herself.

What was I
supposed to do?

Let her. Ha ha ah.
No, that's not funny.

Wait a second.

We know she's
gonna be upset if you dump her.

But if something
happened that was out of your control--

What do you mean?

I mean we're gonna
fake your death.

All right, fellas.
I think we did it.

This may be
the most absolutely perfect fake death

in the history
of fake deaths.

(doorbell rings)

What do you
guys want?

Joan, um, you mind
if we come in?

There's, um--
There's been an accident.

This is, uh,
not gonna be easy,

but it's something
you should see.

PETER: So, anyway,
here's Quagmire

walking through
the park,

minding his
own business.

I just happened
to be there with my video camera

when a ninja shows up!

And then a Nazi came!

And then an evil
pots-and-pans robot!

-(robotic voice) Destroy. Destroy.
-(beeping)

I imagine you're
probably wondering

what happened
to the body.

Well, we thought
of that.

PETER (on video):
Oh, no! Quagmire's dead!

Wait! We might still
be able to save--

Oh, no!

(Peter sings
Jurassic Park music)

We are so, so sorry
for your loss.

Is this a joke?

I wish it were, Joan.
I wish it were a joke.

But these things
happen, you know?

You go for a walk
in the park one day,

and wheelchair
ninjas, and Nazis,

and pots-and-pans
robots show up to kill you,

and dinosaurs show up
to eat the remains.

You've seen the news.

You're not
fooling anyone.

All right, fellows.
Plan B.

Plan B, Quagmire.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

(screaming and moaning)
Heart attack!

Glenn, sweetheart!
Is he all right?

No, he's dead.

I can tell.
I'm a cop.

Oh, my God!
Are you sure?

You know what'll
prove it?

When people die,
they void their bowels.

I said, when people die,
they void their bowels.

GUYS:
Oh. Oh, my God! (laughing)

PETER: What a jackass.

Well, you look
a lot better.

I did it, Brian!

Through sheer
force of will

I kicked my addiction
to breast milk.

I just had to
find a way

to make breasts
seem repulsive.

Yeah? How'd you do that?

I watched In The Cut.

Meg Ryan topless.
No, thanks. No, thanks.

Stewie, Mommy has
a surprise for you.

What are you doing?

Oh, Brian, I thought
I was ready to wean him.

But I just miss
the bonding.

No, no! No,
put me down! I beg of you!

I just kicked
the stuff. Damn you!

(moans)
You sick, twisted...

I hate you.
(moans)

I love it.
(moans)

I will kill you!

(moans)

You sure Quagmire's
okay in there?

No problem! He's got
half an hour of oxygen.

We'll sneak back later
and dig him up.

Sorry, I'm late.

I had a meeting
over at NBC about Joey.

Death? W-What
are you doing here? Nobody's dying today.

Not according to
my paperwork.

Says here your
buddy Quagmire

died of a heart attack.

I got to tell you,

I always thought
it would be rectal trauma.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the hell are you doing?

Well, Mayor West
is afraid of zombies.

So the city says
all caskets must be encased in concrete.

You'll thank me
when no one eats our brains.

You'll thank me.

Hold it! Stop
the funeral.

Quagmire's not
really dead.

(gasp for breath)

Zombie!

(screams)

Glenn, I thought
I'd lost you.

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire,

but I still need
a body to take back with me. So...

No, you can't take him!

Uh, You know, um...

this is probably
not cool.

Just throwing
it out there.

-She was suicidal.
-She was?

-Yeah, absolutely.
-I have heard that, too.

And her last name
was Quagmire.

Well, good enough
for me.

I got to go.
I got tickets to Celine Dion.

I'm not gonna
kill her,

I'm just gonna
watch her die on her own.

Anyone? Anyone?

Ah, it's good
to have you back, Quagmire.

It's good to
be back, Peter.

Hey, Uh, Death,

can you leave that
body here for another five minutes?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

That's Quagmire.

(Woody Woodpecker
Show theme plays)

(theme music playing)