All language subtitles for 1-Night.Court.S01E16.WEBRip.x264-ION10

-Previously on "Night Court"...

-I'm leaving to be a judge.

I've been offered a position
back home

in Pearl River, Louisiana.

I leave next week.

-I'm just not used to having
distractions from work.

-I'm a distraction?

-Elmer deserves
his birthday party,

and if you're
not allowed in there,

then I got to bust him out.

Hey, Dan, any chance
I can convince you

to come out of retirement?
I've been arrested.

-You're looking pretty good

for somebody
who spent a night in jail.

I see you already
got a tattoo.

-It's temporary but somehow
already super infected.

-Uh-huh.
-This is so weird, Dan.

I've never been charged
with a crime before.

-It's gonna be okay.

You were arrested
for helping an old lady.

We're talking about,
at worst, a fine.

-You're right, you're right.
I have nothing to worry about.

-Oh, that scent.

-What is that?
Wet leather?

-No, it's Chuck Norris cologne.

It's called Walker,
Texas Fragrance.

I only know one guy
who still wears that crap.

-Hello, Abby.

-Jeff Dewitt.
-Jeff Dewitt.

-Eh, I just wanted to stop by

and make sure everybody's
being charged correctly.

I think that our judges need
to be held to a higher standard,

especially ones who are,

in legal parlance,
stupid-faced jerks.

Oh, does felony breaking
and entering sound about right?

Yeah.
Judge Stone sucks!

Judge Stone sucks!
Judge Stone sucks!

-Okay, this could be bad for us.

-I don't mind that I'm
the only one chanting.

-A felony, Dan?
A felony?

Do you know what that means
if I'm convicted?

I'd be a felon.

I mean, I could go to jail,
be disbarred,

removed from the bench.

And all my stuff's up there.

-I'm not gonna let that happen,
alright?

You know, sure, this is a jury
trial in day court,

but, look, this star will shine

just as brightly
as he does at night.

-I don't think stars shine
during the day.

-Ever hear of the sun?

Now, come on.
Let's talk strategy.

-Or the strategy
is no strategy.

We're wild cards.
Think about it.

If we don't know what we're
doing, neither will they.

-Does he haveto be here?

-I'm not leaving Abby's side
during this scandal.

I'll be the good wife,

like on the TV show,
"The Good Wife."

-Now, as far as the actual case
is concerned,

I think we can pin this
on the real mastermind --

Louise.
-What? No, I can't do that.

Louise is my --

-Uh, stranger.
Right, "stranger"?

Is that the word
you're looking for?

-I'm just saying that we could
win this

without throwing someone
under the bus.

-Nobody's talking about
throwing anybody.

We just nudge her off the curb
into the street,

hopefully as a drowsy bus driver
comes by.

-These charges are ridiculous,
Dan.

All we need to do is find
some character witnesses

who can testify I'm not
whatever terrible thing

Jeff Dewitt makes me out to be.

-Fine, we will try it your way.

But until we're through
this trial,

please resist
your insane instinct

to care about other people,
and focus on yourself.

-Judge, I'm sorry.

You can't use these chambers
while you're on trial.

-Oh, yeah, I didn't realize.
That makes sense.

-Fine, I'll let you stay,
but you got to break my arm

to make it look
like I put up a fight.

-I'm not gonna do that.

-Is it 'cause
you don't have a hammer?

'Cause I have a hammer.

-See, the key is to say
a bunch of first names,

then eventually the guy
you're interrogating,

he's gonna slip up and say
a last name, and you go, "Boom.

I never told you his last name."

There's your killer.
-Help.

-1965 Beatles album.

And it's pronounced "'elp."

-She's preparing for a trip
to London,

so we're learning British stuff.

-Listen, I've got to get
some work done, and, uh,

Rand keeps spouting nonsense
he heard on "The Good Wife,"

so I need you to watch him.

-You mean [British accent] be
his nanny for a tick

'cause he's giving you
a spot of bother?

-Sure.

-I really admire how much prep
you're giving this trip, Gurgs.

I'm thinking of making
a big move myself.

I realized, if I'm gonna be here
for Abby,

I really have to be here.

I'm finally gonna become
a full-time New Yorker.

This place has it all.

Everyone's always yelling,
and the yelling,

it's always so angry.

Even when people say,
"Nice ass,"

I'm not sure they mean it.

Drips from above,
smells from below.

I can't wait to live here.

-He's got hisself
in a right state, he has.

-[ British accent ]
He's got himself

in a real jar of gherkins.

-[ Normal voice ]
You sound ridiculous.

-Oh, Olivia,
I'm glad you're still here.

There's something
I want to ask you.

-There's no time for that.
I have a problem.

-Yeah, well, tough turnips

'cause I'm looking out
for number one, and, nope,

I'm already wondering
what your thing is.

-My boss, Jeff Dewitt, told me
I'm gonna be fired

unless I join his prosecution
team against you.

And the only thing worse
than working at night court

is getting fired
from night court.

I could end up like Kent, Abby.

Kent.

-Olivia, you will never
end up like Kent.

Who's Kent?

-Kent is currently living
on an 80-foot yacht

'cause he won the lottery,
but before that,

he was in rough shape.

Point is,
I don't know what to do.

Either I prosecute my friend...
-Aww.

-...ly colleague or I end up

just another jobless loser
addicted to scratch-off tickets,

my fingertips stained with shame
and weird silver dust.

They say it was the dust
that killed Kent's wife.

-You have to do it.

If you ended up a widower
on an 80-foot yacht,

I'd never forgive myself.

-Thanks for understanding.

What was it that
you wanted to ask me?

-I was gonna ask

if you wanted to be
a character witness for me.

-Me?
As your character witness?

God, we're gonna destroy you.

-I need character witnesses.

People who know the me
under the robe.

That sounded bad.

For the record, under the robe
is just more clothes.

It's Louise.
She looks so sad.

Aw, I know I'm supposed
to be thinking of myself,

but I really want
to go over there.

Stop me, Sandy.

Louise, what are you doing here?

-I'm about to meet with the D.A.

I think he wants to throw
the book at me.

I'm sorry to have
dragged you into this.

-You have nothing
to feel bad about.

The whole thing was
basically my idea.

-Well, I do have one thing
to feel bad about.

-You're wearing a wire?
-Yes, she is.

You're a judge, tell me --
is a taped confession good?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to get my clothes
back from a janitor.

-So you confessed
to a felony on a wire?

-Okay, I know it's not ideal,
but look at the bright side.

We get to work
in my office again.

As long as we let
the other judges

use it as an executive gym.
-Oh.

Sorry, Your Honor, you're gonna
have to come back later.

There's been an outbreak
of pinkeye.

Patient zero right there.

-Just once I'd like for you
to be the one with pinkeye.

-Alright, tell me you've been
lining up character witnesses.

-None so far.

Gurgs is gonna be in London,
and Neil is volunteering

at Gabby's kids's
baseball camp,

so he has to go
to baseball camp first,

but he's been having a hard time
finding an adult beginner's --

-Stop telling me
about Neil's life.

-But Olivia will be there
in her capacity as prosecutor

'cause I told her she should.

-So you've found zero character
witnesses,

but you picked up a betrayal.

Alright, listen, we've got
to stop messing around.

We got to put Louise
on the stand,

and let me put her feet
to the fire.

-We're not doing that.

Besides, it won't work.

She's got peripheral neuropathy

and can't feel
very much in her feet.

-I understand that you want
to be a good person,

so let me be your bad person.

Jeff Dewitt is not gonna
play nice, and neither can we.

-Why can't we play nice?
It's the only sport I'm good at.

-Look, there's a man out there
trying to ruin your life.

Would you please start
acting like it?

-You know what?
If representing me is so hard,

maybe you should just go
to Louisiana right now.

-You know what?
I would.

But I refuse to pay
the change fee.

And don't you dare
offer me your miles.

-Have you and Dan talked about,
you know,

maybe taking a plea deal?
-If I did that,

I could be suspended from
the bench for at least a year.

-That wouldn't be so bad,
right?

You could come back upstate,
take some time off.

Pig races are coming up.

I think Dale Oinkhardt
might go all the way.

But you don't want that, do you?

-I don't.

I love this job.
I love it here.

-I'm not sure I do.
-Yeah.

I guess the signs
have been there.

Like when you yelled,
"You're a liar,"

at that
Times Square Ninja Turtle.

-Michelangelo's a party dude.

He doesn't eat salad.
-I know.

Now everyone within a block
of the M&M store knows, too.

-New York scares the hell
out of me,

but somehow you're at home here.

Guess we've been growing

in different directions
for a while now.

-Yeah, I guess we have.

So what do we do now?

-I don't want to say
it out loud.

-Me neither.

-Maybe say it at the same time?
-Okay.

-One, two, three.
-One, two, three.

-Break up.
-Time machine.

I knew it was break up,
but I didn't want to say it.

-You're gonna make a great
Good Wife

to someone one day, Rand.

Here.

I guess you should
have that back.

-I want you to keep it.

-Aww.

-Actually, I should
take it back.

My grandma was pretty pissed

when I took it
in the first place.

-You're looking pretty nervous,
Fieldling.

Fielding.
Said your name wrong on purpose.

Ya burnt.

-Sorry about the divorce.

I heard you're sleeping
in your car.

-Well, you heard wrong.

It's my mother's car.

-Hello, Dan.
You're looking well.

-Probably 'cause I slept
in a bed last night.

Okay, look, I know that we do
not agree on strategy,

but the one thing
we do agree on

is that you should not
be penalized for this.

-Well, I don't know.

I think there should be
some repercussions.

-Can you ever turn it off?

-You're right.
We're in this together.

And it's not just the two of us.
I found a character witness.

-So, Rand?

-No, I actually
broke up with Rand.

-Of course you did.

He was just about
to become useful.

-I'm doing fine,
thank you for asking.

No, it's another witness
and someone who's at night court

almost as much as I am.

-Don't worry, Tabby.

I got this.

In summation, I can't be
with a man who thinks a squid

would beat a horse in a fight.

Defense rests.

-Thank you.
No further questions.

-The prosecution is okay.

-Does the defense have
any more witnesses?

-Let me call Louise
back to the stand.

Come on, Abby.

I'm a shark and she's chum.

Not your kind of chum.
Not like friend.

I'm talking about a bucket
of meat chunks

that this great white
is gonna go to town on.

I mean, I don't see
any other way.

-Did somebody say "witnesses"?

-Not for a while, but sure.
-Yes!

My sports team
just did a thing that I like.

-What are you guys doing here?

-I know you didn't ask us
to come, but Rand did.

We weren't gonna let you
go through this alone.

-You know it's been my dream
to assemble

a ragtag crew
of misfits to save the day.

I'm calling us
the Little Rand-scals.

No one likes it.

-So I'm gonna be a little late
to my program in London,

and we all know Neil's
never gonna coach baseball.

-8-year-olds didn't like me
when I was 8,

and they don't like me now.

-You helped all these people,
now let us help you.

Not bad, right?

Dad?
-What?

-What?

-So you're saying
that Judge Stone

was the first person
to acknowledge your condition?

And for the record,
what is that condition?

-I'm a female werewolf.

Otherwise known as a wiff-wolf.

Judge Stone met me
with such kindness.

She even bought my e-book
on wiff-wolf inequality --

"Same Bites Less Rights."

-Abby's such a sweet kid.

She had a pretty big crush
on me for a while.

-Permission to treat
this witness as delusional?

-And when I got hit
by lightning

this most recent time,
my first call was to Abby.

The odd thing was I didn't have
a cellphone on me at the time.

Oh, excuse me.
I need to take this.

Yes, I have time
for a short survey.

-Judge Stone didn't just listen
to me, she truly heard me.

-[Whispers]
Who's this guy again?

-Abby's the best person I know.

She's been through a lot, and
she always puts people first.

-This from a man
she just dumped.

-It was mutual!

-I've always loved my job,
but ever since Judge Stone

joined our court,
it feels more like family.

The good, Partridge kind,
not the bad, Manson-y kind.

-Well, thank you, Ms. Gurganous.

Your witness.

-Alright, you know
her weaknesses.

Get up there and destroy her.
-What?

Jeff, I don't want to do that.

-And I don't want to shave
in an Arby's.

But if you want to keep
your job, you will go up there

and win this case for me.

-Ms. Gurganous, I, um...

...completely agree with you.

Abby showed me that
my whole life

doesn't have to be
about my career.

She's ruined me, like that town
ruined the Grinch.

She's not just
my friendly colleague.

She's my friend.

Which is why, even though
it might cost me my job,

I recuse myself!

Hmm.

Thought there'd be
a surprised gasp.

-Well, you did
sort of telegraph

where you were going with that.

-Oh, and, Jeff,

I had your home/mom's car towed,
so ya burnt.

-Olivia, I can't believe
you did that for me.

-Well, to be clear,
I'd still sell you out

in a second
for a private-sector job,

so you don't have to,
like, do that.

-This sick, demented monster

confessed to ripping
an old man out of his bed.

We have got to take this threat
off the streets

and out of the courtroom.

Ow.

And that is how you do it.

-Okay, uh, you will not agree
with everything

I am going to say up there,

but just know that I'm doing
what is best for my client.

-I trust you.

It's why I brought you
back here.

You're the best lawyer I know,
the best lawyer my dad knew.

-Oh, man.

You know what, guys?

I was gonna get up here,

and I was gonna try
and make someone else look bad

in order to make
my client look good.

But after hearing all this
testimony,

I don't have to do anything
to show you that

Abby Stone
is a good person.

Six months ago, she showed
up at my doorstep, and I figured

I was pretty much done
with people,

but she saw --
she saw something else.

She saw a man who was stuck

and not even knowing
but yearning for a change.

And I thought I was fine,

even with all the neighborhood
teenage kids

calling me Sweatpants Santa.

That's what she does.

She sees things in people that
they don't see in themselves.

You know, that's all
I want you to do.

I want you to see what she sees
every night

sitting on the bench.

Look beyond the...crime

to see the remarkable,

selfless person
that she is just underneath.

-He's right.

Judge Stone is a good person.

That man blackmailed me.

[ All gasp ]

-Oh, now you gasp?

-He threatened to have
my residence

take the television
out of my room.

I will not go back to reading.

Not for him, not for anyone.

-Order!

Given the prosecutorial
misconduct

I'm just learning about,

I dismiss this case
with prejudice.

-We did it.
-Aw, you know what, though?

I can't believe you wanted me
to attack

that sweet woman's character.

-Mm, looks like somebody
got their office back.

Oh, you might want to spray
it down, though,

'cause I heard somebody had,
uh, pinkeye.

What's the matter?
You should be celebrating.

You won.

-No, I'm so happy about that,
of course.

I just, um...

Never mind.
-I get it.

Us Brits keep our feelings
bottled up, too.

But I hear it's not healthy.

So you want to talk about it?

-There's nothing to talk about.

-Okay.
You sat down with me.

-I mean, this should --

may be the highlight
of my career.

I mean, I got a woman who
confessed to a crime exonerated.

I bested a man who fancies
himself my nemesis.

And I'm about to head back
to a judgeship

in my home state of Louisiana.

I should be thrilled.

-But I'm not.

I've been working on this card
for Dan,

trying to thank him
for always being there,

and this is all
I have so far.

I'm just worried this message
comes off a little bit...

-Selfish?

-I'm not being selfish.

This is what I've always wanted.

I'm not abandoning her.

I mean, she knew I wasn't gonna
stay around here forever.

-Just really liked
having him around.

Can I really ask him to stay?
-I guess I just didn't think

it would be
this difficult to leave.

-Then why are you?
-No one's asked me to stay.

-So am I supposed to --
-Oh, in what world?

Good to see you up there again.
-Feels good.

So are you, um...
-Yep.

Plane leaves in about
three hours.

Just wanted to come back in here
and shake my fist

at these walls one more time.

You know, I said --
-Listen, I just wanted to say --

Sorry. Go ahead.
-No. No, no.

Please. You go.

-You know, I've recently been
wondering why I immediately felt

so at home here,
and it's because of you.

I feel like I'd regret it
if I didn't say thank you.

And I got you something.

-Oh, Abby.

Thank you.

For everything.

But, come on, no card?

I'll be seeing you.

-Uh, Dan, wait.
There's one more thing.

They really call you
Sweatpants Santa?

-Yeah.

Also, Hobo Moses.

-All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court
Part Two is now in session.

The honorable and exonerated
Judge Abby Stone presiding.

-And I also kept my job.

-Welcome home, Your Honor.

I got new folders
for your first night back.

No bloodstains.

-Thank you, Neil.

Well, it's time
for the big show.

I hope you all like guys
who bathe in hot-dog water

because tonight we got two.

-Is it weird that I miss Dan?

Having to stare over there
at his empty seat.

-No offense, sir.

I miss him, too.

I just hope he's making friends
down there.

-Another fight at
a bachelorette party

in the French Quarter.

Okay, bailiff, bring in
this bride-to-be.

Roz?

-Fielding?

They made youa judge?

Take me back to jail.
-Well, I...

She loves me.