Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,369 --> 00:00:04,504
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,508 --> 00:00:07,711
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,848 --> 00:00:11,417
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,423 --> 00:00:14,425
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,429 --> 00:00:18,065
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,071 --> 00:00:21,241
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,345 --> 00:00:22,979
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,982 --> 00:00:24,250
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,352 --> 00:00:30,191
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,477
Hi, honey, how was school today?
11
00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:39,316
Well, the metal detectors
were down, so the popular kids
12
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,821
were all on edge all day,
so that was kind of fun.
13
00:00:41,826 --> 00:00:43,927
Oh, and we also got
our yearbooks.
14
00:00:43,930 --> 00:00:45,431
Ooh, let me see.
15
00:00:45,434 --> 00:00:49,103
I love seeing what my handsome
boy's been up to all year.
16
00:00:49,109 --> 00:00:53,046
Oh, there's the student council,
and the cheerleaders.
17
00:00:53,151 --> 00:00:55,720
Peter, w-why is there
a photo of you in here?
18
00:00:55,725 --> 00:00:57,259
I'm in the Peter club.
19
00:00:57,262 --> 00:00:59,731
It's just me and this guy Jason
who joined as a joke.
20
00:00:59,867 --> 00:01:02,168
Jason's, like, hilarious.
21
00:01:02,172 --> 00:01:04,874
Wait a minute. Chris,
there's no pictures of you.
22
00:01:04,878 --> 00:01:06,345
Huh, I guess not.
23
00:01:06,348 --> 00:01:07,716
Chris, honey,
I keep telling you,
24
00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:11,421
you need to get involved
in extracurricular activities.
25
00:01:11,427 --> 00:01:12,994
Otherwise you won't
get into college,
26
00:01:12,997 --> 00:01:14,498
and you'll end up a garbageman
27
00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:16,702
or a congresswoman
from Colorado.
28
00:01:16,706 --> 00:01:20,142
Okay, okay, fine.
I'll look for a club tomorrow.
29
00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:22,315
Your mom's right, Chris.
You got to get into college.
30
00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:24,020
Mostly so you can constantly
31
00:01:24,122 --> 00:01:26,457
jam into conversation
where you went.
32
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,897
Have you been to that new
restaurant, Kristof's, downtown?
33
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,401
- It's amazing.
- No, but that reminds me
34
00:01:31,405 --> 00:01:33,207
of when I was at school
in Cambridge.
35
00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:34,712
Oh, you went to Harvard?
36
00:01:34,814 --> 00:01:38,584
No, the Cambridge Technical
College for Dullards and Mutes.
37
00:01:38,689 --> 00:01:42,360
Not to brag, but there are
commercials for it on TV.
38
00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:50,076
Because it's embarrassing
to see you in jeans at church.
39
00:01:50,081 --> 00:01:51,482
That's why.
40
00:01:51,485 --> 00:01:53,819
Yeah, I'm sure it was fine
back home in Tampa.
41
00:01:53,823 --> 00:01:55,091
Now hold still.
42
00:01:55,193 --> 00:01:57,496
Hey, Brian, could you drive me
to Joann Fabrics?
43
00:01:57,599 --> 00:02:00,868
I'm gonna put in some elastic
'cause I've learned my lesson.
44
00:02:00,873 --> 00:02:02,508
Sure, just got to stop
at the bank.
45
00:02:02,611 --> 00:02:04,179
Still getting my accounts
sorted out
46
00:02:04,281 --> 00:02:05,448
after that Russian hacker thing.
47
00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:07,251
Ah, yes, that Ivan fellow.
48
00:02:07,255 --> 00:02:09,623
I can't believe Meg
stayed behind to be with him.
49
00:02:09,627 --> 00:02:11,361
Well, they seemed
pretty happy together.
50
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:14,033
Still, it's got to be hard
leaving your whole life behind
51
00:02:14,136 --> 00:02:16,104
and adapting
to a foreign culture.
52
00:02:16,108 --> 00:02:17,775
I wonder how she's doing.
53
00:02:17,778 --> 00:02:19,880
♪ ♪
54
00:02:24,761 --> 00:02:28,865
♪ This old town,
this old crumbling village ♪
55
00:02:30,842 --> 00:02:32,243
♪ Cold and grey ♪
56
00:02:32,345 --> 00:02:36,014
♪ Like the town next door ♪
57
00:02:36,019 --> 00:02:38,020
♪ It's so bleak ♪
58
00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:41,961
♪ But to me, it's perfect ♪
59
00:02:41,967 --> 00:02:46,438
♪ Especially when we say ♪
60
00:02:46,544 --> 00:02:48,545
♪ Privyet, privyet ♪
61
00:02:48,549 --> 00:02:50,950
♪ Privyet, privyet, privyet ♪
62
00:02:50,954 --> 00:02:52,856
♪ There goes the onion man ♪
63
00:02:52,958 --> 00:02:54,860
♪ He smells like heaven ♪
64
00:02:54,963 --> 00:02:59,267
♪ Already drunk at 9:15 ♪
65
00:02:59,273 --> 00:03:01,274
♪ Though the air
is bitter cold ♪
66
00:03:01,278 --> 00:03:03,279
♪ And I'm constantly patrolled ♪
67
00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:07,686
♪ I've never felt
so much at home... ♪
68
00:03:07,692 --> 00:03:10,995
- Privyet.
- Have a great day at work, space dog.
69
00:03:11,969 --> 00:03:13,604
♪ There goes that Meg ♪
70
00:03:13,706 --> 00:03:15,674
♪ She is so dense and sturdy ♪
71
00:03:15,677 --> 00:03:20,048
♪ Pumped up for winter
like a seal ♪
72
00:03:20,154 --> 00:03:22,056
♪ And she's only just 18 ♪
73
00:03:22,159 --> 00:03:24,127
♪ The exact same age as me ♪
74
00:03:24,130 --> 00:03:26,265
♪ So pale and plain and homely ♪
75
00:03:26,368 --> 00:03:29,471
♪ That's our Meg ♪
76
00:03:31,313 --> 00:03:36,218
♪ Now after 50 hours
on Spirit Airlines ♪
77
00:03:36,324 --> 00:03:39,594
♪ I've found a place
where I belong ♪
78
00:03:39,698 --> 00:03:41,699
♪ With a man
who's oh, so sweet ♪
79
00:03:41,703 --> 00:03:44,172
♪ And all the turnips
I can eat ♪
80
00:03:44,176 --> 00:03:48,179
♪ What more can I ask ♪
81
00:03:48,185 --> 00:03:50,887
♪ For? ♪
82
00:03:52,862 --> 00:03:54,530
(screams)
83
00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:56,836
- (alarm blaring)
- (siren wailing)
84
00:04:02,885 --> 00:04:05,220
All right, I got to get Mom
off my back.
85
00:04:05,224 --> 00:04:06,791
There's got to be
an extracurricular
86
00:04:06,794 --> 00:04:08,595
for me somewhere.
87
00:04:08,598 --> 00:04:11,466
- Hey, can I join your club?
- That depends.
88
00:04:11,471 --> 00:04:12,906
Can you uplift
your fellow students
89
00:04:13,008 --> 00:04:15,343
through the eloquent art
of public speaking?
90
00:04:15,347 --> 00:04:17,147
I'll give it my best shot.
91
00:04:17,150 --> 00:04:22,856
(bleep), (bleep) for sure,
and (bleep) most of all, Kelvin.
92
00:04:26,071 --> 00:04:27,805
Uh, I'm not too good at sports.
93
00:04:27,808 --> 00:04:30,010
You sure I can be
on the lacrosse team?
94
00:04:30,014 --> 00:04:31,381
Absolutely, Chris.
95
00:04:31,384 --> 00:04:33,385
We think you'd make
a great defendant.
96
00:04:33,388 --> 00:04:36,391
- You mean defender?
- No.
97
00:04:41,272 --> 00:04:43,840
- We're full.
- Wait, your name's not Peter.
98
00:04:43,845 --> 00:04:46,514
That's Jason.
He's, like, hilarious.
99
00:04:46,518 --> 00:04:49,654
So I don't have to be
a Peter to join?
100
00:04:49,758 --> 00:04:50,926
We're full.
101
00:04:55,405 --> 00:04:58,041
How was day working
at bot farm, my love?
102
00:04:58,144 --> 00:04:59,445
It was great.
103
00:04:59,448 --> 00:05:01,083
I convinced a Facebook
mommy group
104
00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:02,319
that diapers cause autism.
105
00:05:02,421 --> 00:05:05,758
Ooh, then we had
a big catered lunch. See?
106
00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:10,300
Ah, my darling has appetite
of Siberian walrus.
107
00:05:10,306 --> 00:05:12,774
And is just as fragrant.
108
00:05:12,778 --> 00:05:15,213
(slobbering)
109
00:05:15,217 --> 00:05:18,620
You rest, milaya.
I'll go make tea.
110
00:05:18,725 --> 00:05:21,128
Man, I miss American food.
111
00:05:22,935 --> 00:05:25,637
"Beets are fine,
but every once in a while,
112
00:05:25,741 --> 00:05:28,009
"I sure could go
for a good old-fashioned
113
00:05:28,013 --> 00:05:29,981
American cheeseburger."
114
00:05:29,984 --> 00:05:31,419
(phone whooshes)
115
00:05:34,294 --> 00:05:36,563
Bozhe moi, what happen?
116
00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:40,572
(tires screech)
117
00:05:40,575 --> 00:05:42,377
AGENT:
President Putin will not tolerate
118
00:05:42,479 --> 00:05:45,082
(distant):
even the mildest of criticism.
119
00:05:45,186 --> 00:05:46,821
You need to drive slower, man.
120
00:05:46,923 --> 00:05:48,857
I don't think he heard
the end of my threat.
121
00:05:48,860 --> 00:05:51,629
Uh, well, maybe your threat
should be more succinct.
122
00:05:51,634 --> 00:05:54,435
Well, maybe you should call
our boss "papa" again.
123
00:05:54,439 --> 00:05:56,875
It was mistake. One time.
124
00:05:57,013 --> 00:05:59,015
One time I do this.
125
00:06:01,923 --> 00:06:04,526
LOIS:
Chris? Did you find an after-school activity yet?
126
00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:06,098
Working on it, Mom.
127
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:09,836
"In conclusion, municipal
zoning laws have ultimately hurt
128
00:06:09,841 --> 00:06:12,243
the very people
they're intended to help."
129
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:13,747
And send.
130
00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:16,185
Gosh, who knew there was
so much civil discourse
131
00:06:16,189 --> 00:06:18,390
in the Pornhub comments section?
132
00:06:18,394 --> 00:06:20,529
All right, back to business.
133
00:06:20,533 --> 00:06:24,402
Hmm. This one's just called
"Sex in a School."
134
00:06:24,408 --> 00:06:27,277
(porn music playing)
135
00:06:27,282 --> 00:06:28,583
Whoa, that's crazy.
136
00:06:28,684 --> 00:06:30,886
This set looks
just like my homeroom.
137
00:06:33,195 --> 00:06:36,231
Huh, the porn school
has a Chris Griffin, too?
138
00:06:36,335 --> 00:06:38,204
It's so immersive.
139
00:06:38,307 --> 00:06:40,075
Wait a minute.
140
00:06:45,189 --> 00:06:47,492
Is this my school?
141
00:06:47,595 --> 00:06:49,229
SHEPHERD (over video):
Attention, naughty students.
142
00:06:49,232 --> 00:06:51,066
Ass is now in session.
143
00:06:51,069 --> 00:06:54,805
Oh, my God, Principal Shepherd's
making porn at school.
144
00:06:54,811 --> 00:06:56,779
Hey, I'm gonna shut
this door real quick.
145
00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:59,484
Rupert's pants came back
and he doesn't fit into them,
146
00:06:59,488 --> 00:07:01,791
so, so we're having a thing.
147
00:07:08,375 --> 00:07:09,876
Oh, you know what, guys?
148
00:07:09,979 --> 00:07:12,749
I think some of these letters
are, like, numbers.
149
00:07:12,852 --> 00:07:14,487
(sighs)
We got to start over.
150
00:07:14,589 --> 00:07:16,557
Chris, can you erase
the boards for me?
151
00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:19,597
- Kiss my shorts.
- (all gasp)
152
00:07:19,701 --> 00:07:21,569
Chris, I hear you've been
acting up in class
153
00:07:21,572 --> 00:07:24,006
and carelessly misquoting
The Simpsons.
154
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:27,280
Yeah, well,
don't have a moo, man.
155
00:07:27,285 --> 00:07:29,253
(gasps)
The slacker's position.
156
00:07:29,256 --> 00:07:32,325
Young man, in this school,
furniture has rules.
157
00:07:32,330 --> 00:07:35,933
Well, guess what? I'm gonna do
whatever I want around here,
158
00:07:36,038 --> 00:07:38,374
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
159
00:07:38,477 --> 00:07:40,345
Oh, really? And why is that?
160
00:07:40,349 --> 00:07:43,684
'Cause I know you've been
making porn in the school.
161
00:07:43,689 --> 00:07:45,657
I... You can't prove that.
162
00:07:45,660 --> 00:07:47,795
I heard your voice
on one of the videos.
163
00:07:47,799 --> 00:07:50,300
(sighs)
All right, you caught me.
164
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:53,641
You see, Chris, we educators
don't make a lot of money.
165
00:07:53,746 --> 00:07:56,614
So, once I saw I had
the classrooms at my disposal,
166
00:07:56,618 --> 00:07:58,152
plus all the school
A/V equipment,
167
00:07:58,155 --> 00:08:01,057
I realized I was only
a box of wet naps away
168
00:08:01,062 --> 00:08:04,097
from becoming a pornographer,
so I gave it a shot.
169
00:08:04,102 --> 00:08:07,573
Hamilton tells me you're not
supposed to throw those away.
170
00:08:07,711 --> 00:08:10,514
Well, it doesn't matter.
I'm not making any money.
171
00:08:10,617 --> 00:08:12,818
My videos hardly get any views.
172
00:08:12,822 --> 00:08:15,891
I think it's time for me
to throw in the sticky towel.
173
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:19,098
Wow, that's a pretty sad story,
Principal Shepherd.
174
00:08:19,103 --> 00:08:21,606
But you want to know
the saddest part of all?
175
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,578
Your porn sucks, bro.
176
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,515
What? What are you
talking about?
177
00:08:25,519 --> 00:08:27,353
Well, let's start
with the titles.
178
00:08:27,356 --> 00:08:31,727
Who calls their porno "Man
and Woman Having Standard Sex"?
179
00:08:31,833 --> 00:08:34,002
You got to work
the algorithm, man.
180
00:08:34,105 --> 00:08:36,673
You need keywords
like "stepsister,"
181
00:08:36,677 --> 00:08:38,579
"stepbrother," "stepmom."
182
00:08:38,682 --> 00:08:41,718
Just put "step" and a noun
and it should work.
183
00:08:41,856 --> 00:08:45,025
Even "stepladder"
is getting traction these days.
184
00:08:45,030 --> 00:08:46,698
You know, if you want
to make this thing work
185
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,468
and start making money,
I can help you out.
186
00:08:49,472 --> 00:08:51,141
You want to help me?
187
00:08:51,244 --> 00:08:52,945
Actually, I think
we can help each other.
188
00:08:52,948 --> 00:08:54,449
You need help with this thing,
189
00:08:54,551 --> 00:08:57,854
I need an after-school activity
so my mom gets off my back,
190
00:08:57,859 --> 00:08:59,860
and I think I just found it.
191
00:08:59,864 --> 00:09:03,933
I'm the newest member
of the porn club.
192
00:09:03,939 --> 00:09:06,541
- All right, deal.
- Awesome.
193
00:09:06,545 --> 00:09:10,849
I feel like I've finally found
my calling, like Steve Martin.
194
00:09:11,690 --> 00:09:12,758
I've got it.
195
00:09:12,859 --> 00:09:14,693
I'll do five years
of entertainment,
196
00:09:14,697 --> 00:09:17,400
then 40 years of banjo.
197
00:09:17,503 --> 00:09:19,604
- (phone ringing)
- Hello?
198
00:09:19,608 --> 00:09:22,944
No, I don't want
ten million dollars for a movie.
199
00:09:22,949 --> 00:09:25,817
Call back when you've got
14 banjo fans
200
00:09:25,822 --> 00:09:28,492
in your city's worst theater.
201
00:09:28,596 --> 00:09:31,331
(playing upbeat melody)
202
00:09:31,335 --> 00:09:32,502
WOMAN:
Honey?
203
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:35,508
Could you shut the door?
204
00:09:35,612 --> 00:09:38,148
Honey, shut the door.
205
00:09:42,528 --> 00:09:44,662
(groans)
Ivan.
206
00:09:44,665 --> 00:09:46,032
W-What happened?
207
00:09:46,035 --> 00:09:48,070
Everyone here
was silenced by state
208
00:09:48,074 --> 00:09:50,208
for careless social media post.
209
00:09:50,211 --> 00:09:52,679
You mean that thing I said
about beets for lu...
210
00:09:52,684 --> 00:09:53,986
(shushes)
Quiet.
211
00:09:54,121 --> 00:09:55,655
Government is very strict
212
00:09:55,657 --> 00:09:58,026
about criticism
of Russian way of life.
213
00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:02,434
Is true. You see, President
Putin can be very sensitive...
214
00:10:03,408 --> 00:10:05,409
Meg, I am so happy you okay.
215
00:10:05,413 --> 00:10:07,180
I stayed by your side all night.
216
00:10:07,183 --> 00:10:09,918
Oh, thank you
for being so good to me.
217
00:10:09,923 --> 00:10:12,558
God, this hospital bill
is gonna be a fortune.
218
00:10:12,562 --> 00:10:14,263
What? Is free.
219
00:10:14,266 --> 00:10:15,367
Even in Russia,
220
00:10:15,469 --> 00:10:18,105
health care is basic human right
covered by government.
221
00:10:18,208 --> 00:10:22,313
Surely is same in very wealthy,
superior United States?
222
00:10:22,419 --> 00:10:24,553
Well...
223
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:30,129
♪ God bless America ♪
224
00:10:30,236 --> 00:10:37,177
♪ My home sweet home... ♪
225
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,827
Lunch lady porn?
226
00:10:41,830 --> 00:10:43,732
Is this really something
people want to see?
227
00:10:43,834 --> 00:10:47,136
Oh, yeah, it has
a very dedicated fan base.
228
00:10:47,142 --> 00:10:49,411
Plus, the actors don't even
have to be attractive.
229
00:10:49,514 --> 00:10:51,816
(chuckles):
You ever see a hot lunch lady?
230
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:54,588
No. It ruins the fantasy.
231
00:10:54,592 --> 00:10:56,593
Ready when you are, Mr. G.
232
00:10:56,597 --> 00:10:58,298
All right, places.
233
00:10:58,401 --> 00:11:01,369
"Sloppy Hoes,"
scene one, take one. Mark.
234
00:11:01,374 --> 00:11:03,175
Tarps up.
235
00:11:03,178 --> 00:11:04,579
And action.
236
00:11:04,681 --> 00:11:05,915
(porn music plays)
237
00:11:05,918 --> 00:11:09,355
Cut. Get that cigarette
out of the shot.
238
00:11:09,492 --> 00:11:11,528
Kids are gonna watch this.
239
00:11:14,538 --> 00:11:15,772
I got to hand it to you, Chris,
240
00:11:15,874 --> 00:11:18,309
our videos have been
quite a success.
241
00:11:18,313 --> 00:11:20,449
I haven't felt this kind
of financial security
242
00:11:20,552 --> 00:11:23,788
since I found 20 bucks in one
of the lost-and-found jackets.
243
00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,661
In fact, I took the liberty
of buying us
244
00:11:25,763 --> 00:11:27,430
a little something to celebrate.
245
00:11:27,433 --> 00:11:28,734
Come on.
246
00:11:28,737 --> 00:11:31,438
- Wow, is that...
- That's right.
247
00:11:31,443 --> 00:11:33,644
The 1992 Toyota Cressida.
248
00:11:33,647 --> 00:11:35,415
The ultimate
principal dream car.
249
00:11:35,419 --> 00:11:38,187
Shallot purple
with a beige interior.
250
00:11:38,191 --> 00:11:41,327
- And there's one for each of us.
- Gosh, really?
251
00:11:41,332 --> 00:11:44,502
No one's ever given me
anything this nice before.
252
00:11:44,607 --> 00:11:45,708
Well, you earned it.
253
00:11:45,809 --> 00:11:47,042
Turns out, you just needed
254
00:11:47,045 --> 00:11:49,114
to find something
you could excel at.
255
00:11:49,216 --> 00:11:50,651
Thanks, Principal Shepherd.
256
00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:53,555
Say, how about we drive
these babies down to Chipotle
257
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,928
and order guac like big shots?
258
00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:57,733
I saw Elon Musk do that once.
259
00:11:57,736 --> 00:11:59,403
Was it after
his hair transplant?
260
00:11:59,407 --> 00:12:03,578
After one of his two
separate hair transplants, yes.
261
00:12:06,757 --> 00:12:10,693
Aw. It was so sweet of you
to plan this picnic, Ivan.
262
00:12:10,699 --> 00:12:12,534
But why are we in a cemetery?
263
00:12:12,637 --> 00:12:17,375
Meg, I brings you here because
cemetery is very special place.
264
00:12:17,482 --> 00:12:20,918
It is here where you can
finally meet my parents.
265
00:12:22,192 --> 00:12:24,026
Your parents are dead?
266
00:12:24,029 --> 00:12:26,197
Oh, Ivan, I'm so sorry.
267
00:12:26,201 --> 00:12:30,272
It's okay. They died peacefully
being ripped apart by dogs.
268
00:12:30,410 --> 00:12:34,113
Meg, when you were in hospital,
I was so afraid to lose you.
269
00:12:34,119 --> 00:12:38,157
And in that moment, I realized
I never want us to be apart.
270
00:12:38,262 --> 00:12:41,765
- Meg, will you marry me?
- (gasps)
271
00:12:41,870 --> 00:12:43,038
I do not have much to give,
272
00:12:43,174 --> 00:12:45,976
but I do have
mother's engagement ring.
273
00:12:49,588 --> 00:12:50,556
What do you say, Meg?
274
00:12:50,657 --> 00:12:53,158
Will you make me happiest man
in all of Russia?
275
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:55,431
Which is admittedly
a very low bar?
276
00:12:55,435 --> 00:12:58,170
Oh, Ivan. Yes, yes, yes.
277
00:12:58,174 --> 00:13:00,543
Then come with me
and let's take brown clothes,
278
00:13:00,646 --> 00:13:02,948
not-smiling engagement photo.
279
00:13:02,952 --> 00:13:04,153
- (camera shutter clicks)
- I cannot wait
280
00:13:04,255 --> 00:13:08,492
to etch this picture of you
into hideous black gravestone.
281
00:13:08,598 --> 00:13:12,200
Which background you want?
Frozen tundra or leaky reactor?
282
00:13:12,206 --> 00:13:13,940
- Oh, oh, reactor, please.
- Reactor, please.
283
00:13:13,943 --> 00:13:17,580
Don't know why I offer tundra.
Nobody choose.
284
00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,825
Hey, where are you going?
285
00:13:21,828 --> 00:13:23,229
Dinner's gonna be ready
any minute.
286
00:13:23,331 --> 00:13:25,299
Oh, I-I have to get to school.
287
00:13:25,303 --> 00:13:28,539
I have to meet up with
the, uh, uh, debate club.
288
00:13:28,544 --> 00:13:29,877
At 8:00 p. m.?
289
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,315
Yeah, there was
a whole debate about it.
290
00:13:32,319 --> 00:13:35,254
Well I am so glad you finally
found an extracurricular.
291
00:13:35,259 --> 00:13:37,361
This is gonna look great
on your college résumé.
292
00:13:37,464 --> 00:13:39,666
And maybe you'll make
some new friends.
293
00:13:39,669 --> 00:13:41,870
I am so proud of you.
294
00:13:41,874 --> 00:13:44,876
- No, you're not.
- What? Of course I am.
295
00:13:44,881 --> 00:13:47,883
Ah, gotcha. You got debated.
296
00:13:47,888 --> 00:13:50,157
Oh, so advanced already.
297
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:53,129
(laughs):
Okay, have fun.
298
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,134
ANNOUNCER:
Family Guy is brought to you
299
00:13:55,137 --> 00:13:57,672
by the not-new Toyota Cressida.
300
00:13:57,677 --> 00:13:59,412
With more back seat
Diet Pepsi can storage
301
00:13:59,514 --> 00:14:01,850
than any other car in its class.
302
00:14:01,953 --> 00:14:03,321
When you hear
the call of adventure,
303
00:14:03,423 --> 00:14:06,592
let your Cressida drive you
the other way.
304
00:14:06,597 --> 00:14:08,165
The Toyota Cressida.
305
00:14:08,268 --> 00:14:09,736
You'll pick up that french fry
next to the brake
306
00:14:09,838 --> 00:14:11,740
when you're good and ready.
307
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:18,721
Chris? Are you in here, sweetie?
308
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:20,259
I brought your favorite:
309
00:14:20,262 --> 00:14:22,564
spaghetti with butter
and nothing else.
310
00:14:22,701 --> 00:14:25,070
I'm told it's a sign
of a developmental disorder,
311
00:14:25,173 --> 00:14:27,074
but I'm not ready
to confront that yet.
312
00:14:27,077 --> 00:14:29,479
- (porn music playing)
- Chris?
313
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:32,154
Cut. Okay, Klaara?
314
00:14:32,256 --> 00:14:34,424
Klaara, honey,
um, before this next take,
315
00:14:34,428 --> 00:14:38,665
can you move your baby
or get him to stop crying?
316
00:14:38,770 --> 00:14:40,104
There's my handsome boy.
317
00:14:40,107 --> 00:14:42,442
Mom? What are you doing here?
318
00:14:42,446 --> 00:14:44,747
Well, I didn't want you doing
argument-sports
319
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,820
on an empty stomach, so I...
320
00:14:46,923 --> 00:14:49,258
Wait, this is the debate club?
321
00:14:49,362 --> 00:14:51,230
W-What's with all the lights
and the cameras?
322
00:14:51,332 --> 00:14:53,668
A-Are you guys making a movie?
323
00:14:53,772 --> 00:14:55,140
Um...
324
00:14:56,177 --> 00:14:57,946
(speaking inaudibly)
325
00:14:58,048 --> 00:14:59,348
LOIS:
Crocs and Arby's?
326
00:14:59,351 --> 00:15:02,021
Oh, my God. You're making porn.
327
00:15:02,124 --> 00:15:04,091
ANNOUNCER:
Arby's. We don't judge.
328
00:15:04,095 --> 00:15:06,264
We just hand out shaved meats.
329
00:15:12,047 --> 00:15:13,347
I don't believe this.
330
00:15:13,350 --> 00:15:17,220
Chris, you lied to me.
And for something so disgusting.
331
00:15:17,325 --> 00:15:18,926
Mom, I-I can explain.
332
00:15:18,929 --> 00:15:20,830
Oh, and on school grounds,
no less.
333
00:15:20,833 --> 00:15:23,969
Just you wait until Principal
Shepherd hears about this.
334
00:15:24,075 --> 00:15:25,375
Well, CVS didn't
have any towels,
335
00:15:25,377 --> 00:15:26,445
so follow me to the science lab
336
00:15:26,547 --> 00:15:29,482
and I'll show you where
the eye-wash stations are.
337
00:15:29,487 --> 00:15:31,388
- Mrs. Griffin?
- Principal Shepherd,
338
00:15:31,391 --> 00:15:33,258
are you in on this, too?
339
00:15:33,261 --> 00:15:36,264
Certainly not. I have no idea
what's going on here.
340
00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:38,504
Principal Shepherd,
Starla is officially a no-show,
341
00:15:38,607 --> 00:15:40,475
so the nine-some
is now an eight-some.
342
00:15:40,479 --> 00:15:42,346
All right, put her per diem
back in petty cash,
343
00:15:42,349 --> 00:15:44,651
tell Sue Ann in makeup
it's her lucky day,
344
00:15:44,755 --> 00:15:46,823
tell lighting
it's legs up in five,
345
00:15:46,926 --> 00:15:48,594
and let's shoot this thing.
346
00:15:48,597 --> 00:15:50,966
I mean, what?
347
00:15:53,776 --> 00:15:57,278
We begin with a reading
from the Russian Orthodox Bible.
348
00:15:57,283 --> 00:15:59,151
And Jesus said to Mikhail,
349
00:15:59,155 --> 00:16:01,624
"The radio you sold me last week
does not work."
350
00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:03,828
Mikhail said to Him,
"How do I know
351
00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:06,567
you didn't break it on purpose
to get your money back?"
352
00:16:06,571 --> 00:16:08,972
Then they got in a fistfight
on the bus.
353
00:16:08,976 --> 00:16:10,478
- Amen.
- BOTH: Amen.
354
00:16:10,580 --> 00:16:13,682
I now pronounce Ukraine
actually part of Russia,
355
00:16:13,687 --> 00:16:16,456
and I also pronounce you
husband and wife.
356
00:16:16,461 --> 00:16:18,896
You may share a joyless kiss.
357
00:16:24,178 --> 00:16:26,080
(audience shouting)
358
00:16:26,182 --> 00:16:27,349
This is an outrage.
359
00:16:27,352 --> 00:16:30,154
Porn doesn't belong in school,
it belongs on public trains.
360
00:16:30,158 --> 00:16:32,093
I guess if I don't bring
brownies, nobody does.
361
00:16:32,196 --> 00:16:33,997
Please, everyone,
not all at once.
362
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:37,770
Is there an Alpha Karen
who can speak for all of you?
363
00:16:37,876 --> 00:16:40,644
First of all, I want you to know
I'm filming this.
364
00:16:40,649 --> 00:16:44,252
Second of all, I'm gonna
get really angry really fast
365
00:16:44,258 --> 00:16:45,458
for no reason.
366
00:16:45,460 --> 00:16:48,196
Listen, folks, I-I can explain.
367
00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:49,500
What is there to explain?
368
00:16:49,502 --> 00:16:50,970
That you've been using
our children's school
369
00:16:51,072 --> 00:16:52,373
to make pornography?
370
00:16:52,376 --> 00:16:54,812
That-that you took advantage
of my son?
371
00:16:54,915 --> 00:16:56,082
(overlapping chatter)
372
00:16:56,185 --> 00:16:57,552
This is getting away from me.
373
00:16:57,555 --> 00:16:59,056
Maybe I can filibuster this
374
00:16:59,158 --> 00:17:02,494
by reading the owner's manual
for my Toyota Cressida.
375
00:17:02,499 --> 00:17:05,669
"Dear consumer,
making cars is really hard.
376
00:17:05,773 --> 00:17:09,008
There are so many parts,
you guys."
377
00:17:09,013 --> 00:17:11,482
(indistinct shouting)
378
00:17:14,527 --> 00:17:16,027
Wait. Everybody, wait a minute.
379
00:17:16,029 --> 00:17:18,699
That's the boy who was
talking to an owl outside.
380
00:17:18,836 --> 00:17:20,003
Let him speak.
381
00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:22,641
Look, Principal Shepherd may
have made some bad decisions,
382
00:17:22,645 --> 00:17:24,312
but he didn't do it for himself.
383
00:17:24,315 --> 00:17:27,484
It was all to raise money
for the school.
384
00:17:27,489 --> 00:17:30,558
Oh, is-is that true,
Principal Shepherd?
385
00:17:30,563 --> 00:17:31,630
Um...
386
00:17:31,632 --> 00:17:33,666
- Well, I-I...
- Of course it's true.
387
00:17:33,670 --> 00:17:36,272
Every year they slash
the school budget,
388
00:17:36,276 --> 00:17:37,810
and this man did
what he had to do
389
00:17:37,914 --> 00:17:40,116
to give us the education
we deserve.
390
00:17:40,219 --> 00:17:42,287
You know the reading specialist
we have?
391
00:17:42,290 --> 00:17:45,026
Paid for by a "Das Boot."
392
00:17:45,163 --> 00:17:46,865
What's a "Das Boot"?
393
00:17:46,967 --> 00:17:49,036
That's when a whole bunch
of German men
394
00:17:49,139 --> 00:17:50,807
go down at the same time.
395
00:17:52,914 --> 00:17:53,948
He's right, everyone.
396
00:17:53,950 --> 00:17:56,085
With all those budget cuts,
I had no choice.
397
00:17:56,188 --> 00:17:59,724
It was either make porn,
or pass a modest tax increase
398
00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:02,165
on the wealthiest citizens
of Quahog.
399
00:18:02,169 --> 00:18:04,204
A tax hike that'll affect
none of us?
400
00:18:04,306 --> 00:18:06,208
That's the last thing we want.
401
00:18:06,311 --> 00:18:08,513
- Meeting adjourned.
- (indistinct chatter)
402
00:18:08,617 --> 00:18:10,751
Chris, that was some
quick thinking back there.
403
00:18:10,755 --> 00:18:13,391
You saved my career. Thank you.
404
00:18:13,494 --> 00:18:14,895
Hold it right there,
Principal Shepherd.
405
00:18:14,998 --> 00:18:17,166
Now, I appreciate that you were
trying to help out the school,
406
00:18:17,270 --> 00:18:20,472
but how could you get my son
involved in something like this?
407
00:18:20,477 --> 00:18:23,145
- You've corrupted him.
-"Corrupted"?
408
00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:25,819
This was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
409
00:18:25,923 --> 00:18:27,457
See, before we started
making porn,
410
00:18:27,559 --> 00:18:28,860
I didn't care about anything
411
00:18:28,863 --> 00:18:30,731
because I wasn't good
at anything.
412
00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:34,003
But now, I'm using skills
I never knew I had.
413
00:18:34,008 --> 00:18:38,045
I'm writing scripts, making
schedules and balancing budgets.
414
00:18:38,051 --> 00:18:41,320
And it's all thanks
to Principal Shepherd.
415
00:18:41,325 --> 00:18:44,093
♪ ♪
416
00:18:44,098 --> 00:18:45,666
I never thought of it that way.
417
00:18:45,768 --> 00:18:49,538
I-I guess you did learn
some valuable life skills.
418
00:18:49,544 --> 00:18:52,380
Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry
I got mad, honey.
419
00:18:52,516 --> 00:18:54,118
I just wanted to protect you.
420
00:18:54,221 --> 00:18:56,390
That's okay, Mom. I get it.
421
00:18:56,493 --> 00:18:59,895
- But no more making porn.
- Deal.
422
00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:03,536
Redheaded MILF packs
a very naughty lunch box?
423
00:19:03,542 --> 00:19:05,377
Dude, that's my mom.
424
00:19:05,380 --> 00:19:07,782
It's usually
someone's mom, Chris.
425
00:19:15,001 --> 00:19:18,638
Well, I managed to upgrade us
to president-for-life suite.
426
00:19:18,743 --> 00:19:20,511
Window is so big,
you could shove
427
00:19:20,514 --> 00:19:24,518
six, seven journalists out
all at once.
428
00:19:24,624 --> 00:19:27,659
Are you okay, Meg?
You barely touched your kvass.
429
00:19:27,664 --> 00:19:29,832
What's the matter,
not enough raisins?
430
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,571
Perhaps you miss
your family, no?
431
00:19:32,675 --> 00:19:34,811
Yeah. I mean, I love it here,
432
00:19:34,914 --> 00:19:37,450
but I'm sad
they missed my wedding.
433
00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:38,886
Hey, I have idea.
434
00:19:38,889 --> 00:19:40,958
Why don't we visit family
in America?
435
00:19:41,095 --> 00:19:44,697
They can celebrate our wedding
and say a proper farewell.
436
00:19:44,703 --> 00:19:47,139
Yeah, that's a great idea.
437
00:19:47,242 --> 00:19:48,809
I'm gonna call them right now.
438
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:51,849
- Ugh, no service.
- Here, use mine.
439
00:19:51,953 --> 00:19:54,589
Only service that works here
is state-controlled
440
00:19:54,692 --> 00:19:57,628
Russian cellular network
where they spy on every move.
441
00:19:57,732 --> 00:20:00,635
I think in U. S. A.,
you call it "T-Mobile."
442
00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:04,879
Ah, so you got
green card marriage, huh?
443
00:20:04,983 --> 00:20:07,885
That's right.
American cow fell for it.
444
00:20:07,889 --> 00:20:10,825
Here's to my last night
in Russia.
445
00:20:10,929 --> 00:20:12,464
Oh, my God.
446
00:20:12,599 --> 00:20:14,501
This whole thing
was just another scam?
447
00:20:14,604 --> 00:20:16,472
(both men laugh)
448
00:20:16,475 --> 00:20:19,945
I'll give you something
to laugh about.
449
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:28,901
- What the... Oh, no.
- (sirens wailing)
450
00:20:29,035 --> 00:20:32,105
("State Anthem of the Russian
Federation" playing)
451
00:20:32,238 --> 00:20:33,973
♪ ♪
452
00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:57,163
♪ ♪
453
00:20:57,213 --> 00:21:01,763
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
34554
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.