All language subtitles for T A O O a H S01E17 The Tuba Incident 1080p AMZN WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264-WhatsBeyond (1)_track3_[eng]

Hotpoint Quality
Appliances presents

America's favorite
family comedy,

"The Adventures of
Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire
Nelson family.

Here is Ozzie, who plays
the part of Ozzie Nelson.

And, of course, his lovely
wife Harriet as Harriet Nelson.

The older of the Nelson boys,
David, appears as David Nelson.

And his younger brother,
the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next
door neighbor, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- Well, good morning, everybody.
I'm sorry I'm so late.

- Hiya, Pop.
- Hiya, Pop.

- Thought you weren't
going to make it.

- Well, it's such a beautiful
day, I had to get out of bed.

Any breakfast left?

- Well, I think so.

I'll get you coffee.

There's some toast
right there on the--

Well, now that's funny.

There was a whole
plate of toast there

and a whole dish of
strawberry jam, too.

Where'd that disappeared to?

- May I be excused, Mom?

I'm full.

- I think you'd better
stay right there

and drink your milk.

- That's OK.

All I want is a cup of
coffee and the newspaper,

if I can find it.

- Oh, it's over there
on that table, Pop.

- Oh.

For goodness sakes, David, can't
you fold the paper up neatly

when you finish reading instead
of crumbling it up like this?

- I haven't even seen it, Pop.

- Well, Ricky, then.

- I haven't seen it either.

- Well, it didn't get messed
this way all by itself.

- Well, as long as
I'm the only one left,

I might as well plead
guilty, I guess.

- Uh, Harriet, when you
finished crumbling this paper,

do you know what you
did with page one?

- Well, that's funny,
it was right there.

Oh, you didn't miss
anything anyway,

there was nothing interesting.

- You don't happen to recall
what you did with the sports

section, do you?

- Oh, it's over there
under the coffee pot.

Here, I'll get it for you.
- No, no.

That's OK.

I've got enough here.

- Read Pop that article
you read to me, Mom.

- What article was that?

- You know, the funny one.

- Oh, yes.

- What was that?

- Oh, it was just some silly
article about a woman named

Mrs. Strudlemeyer.

She's divorcing her husband.

I can't say I blame her, though.

- What's the matter?

Didn't he tell her his
name was Strudlemeyer

before she married him?

- Oh, that's not the
reason she's divorcing him,

as if you didn't know.

It seems that every night
when he came home from work,

he'd spend all his
time playing a tuba.

- Playing a tube of what, Mom?

- No, a tuba, a
musical instrument.

- As if you didn't know.

- Well, maybe he didn't, David.

- You know, those
great big horns

they have way in the
back of the band.

- Yeah, we saw
them in the parade.

You know.
- Oh, yeah, they're neat.

I threw popcorn down
it, and the guy got mad.

- He didn't get mad.

- He got red in the face.

- He got red in the face
from blowing the tuba.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Hey, what's the matter
with you guys lately?

You can't even discuss
anything without getting

into a big argument about it.

You guys are both about as
unreasonable as this Mrs.

Stooglemeyer, or
whatever her name is.

- No, dear, Mr. Strudlemeyer.

He's the one who
played the tuba.

- Well, yes, I know,
but I still say she's

the one who's unreasonable.

Poor guy can't even play
a musical instrument

in his own home.

- Well, read on further down.

The only piece he could play
was the bass part of "The Stars

and Stripes Forever."

- She won't let him play it.

She's not only unreasonable,
she's unpatriotic besides.

- Well, seems to me that he's
the one who's unreasonable.

She spends the whole day
cooking and cleaning,

so naturally after dinner, she'd
like a little conversation.

And what does she get?

"The Stars and Stripes Forever."

Not only that, he makes
her stand up and salute.

- Only on the Fourth of July.

Besides, stop being
so prejudiced.

Why do you have to stand up for
her just because she's a woman?

- Well, in this particular case,
I happen to think she's right.

What wife wants her husband
spending all his time

playing the tuba?

- He doesn't spend all of
his time playing the tuba.

Says he plays the tuba for a
little while, and then he...

- Yes?

- Well, the man's tired.

He should go to bed early.

- Personally, I think she
has a legitimate complaint.

- Well, she doesn't have to
take such a drastic step,

though, does she?

After all, why doesn't she just
hide the tube from her husband?

- How can you hide
a thing like that?

Easier to hide her
husband from the tuba.

- In the first place,
this is the silliest thing

I ever heard of are arguing
about two people we don't even

know, we've never even met.

- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to
startle an argument.

I just happened to
read it and thought

you might be amused by it.

- Well, I didn't
mean an argument.

We're not arguing about it,
but it's a silly subject

even to discuss.

Especially at breakfast.

- Well, whatever it
is, let's forget it.

- Ridiculous things.

- I agree.

It was a silly thing to discuss.

- Our English teacher
says that open discussion

is the backbone of our nation.

- Well, that's true,
David, if the subject is

something sensible.

I mean, just because
some idiotic woman won't

allow her husband to play
a tuba in his own home,

that isn't even
worthy of discussion.

- Well, now how can you
say she's an idiotic woman?

You don't even know her.

- Well, there's an old legal
term, Harriet, "res ipsa

loquitur"--

The thing speaks for itself.

- Yes, and when it's a tuba,
it speaks in very low tones.

Ricky, what are you doing?

- I'm making believe
I'm playing the tuba.

- Stop it.

You look silly.

- I'll bet that Mr.
Strudlemeyer sure looks silly.

- Now, wait a minute, David.

How can you sit there and
make a statement like that?

You've never even seen the man.

- There's an old legal term,
"raise up the locomotive."

- If you two guys
are finished, why

don't you go outside and shoot
some baskets or something?

- Heck, I want to stay in here
and listen to the argument.

- Me, too.

- Well, in the first place,
there was no argument.

And in the second
place, it's all over.

- Who won?

- Ricky, stop
trying to be funny.

- Heck, who's
trying to be funny?

- You are, and stop it.

You've heard your father
say so many times there's

no such thing as
a child comedian.

- This coffee is probably
stone cold by now.

- Oh, don't drink that.

I'll get you some more.

- They had some neat stuff on
television last night, dad.

- Oh, yeah.
Really swell.

- What was that?

- It was a wrestling match.

This one guy kept gouging this
other guy's eye with his thumb

and grinding his
heel in his face.

- That sounds like
excellent entertainment.

- Yeah, they had the
dumbest referee, too.

Everybody could see it but him.

- You don't want to take
that stuff seriously, Ricky.

Was there anything
else to look at?

- Oh, yeah, they had
a murder story on.

- Oh, yeah, that
was really good.

This man and his wife had an
argument, and she poisoned him.

She put poison in his coffee.

He took one gulp and
fell right over dead.

- Here's your coffee, dear.

Drink it while it's hot.

- If you don't mind, I think
I'll have milk this morning.

Boy, something sure smells good.

- Well, thank you.

I'm trying out a new recipe.

- Oh!

You must be a mind
reader or something.

I was just hoping you'd bake
one of your delicious apple pies

for dinner.

- It's a chocolate cake.

- Oh, oh!

Fine, fine.

- What's the matter
with chocolate cake?

- Oh, nothing!

I-- I-- I love your
chocolate cakes.

I like them almost as
well as your apple pies.

- You don't have to eat
anything if you don't want to.

- Well, I just told
you they're delicious.

I-- I love your chocolate cakes.

Uh, what else are we
having for dinner?

- Meatloaf.

- Oh, fine.

- Would you rather
have something else?

- No, that sounds
like a very nice menu.

Very tasty.

Chocolate cake
and, uh, pot roast.

- Meatloaf.

- What did I say?

- Pot roast.

- Oh, oh!

No, that's-- uh, what
else are we having?

- Potatoes.

- Now-- now-- now,
don't tell me.

Some of your marvelous
mashed potatoes?

Fried potatoes?

- Baked potatoes.

- Baked potatoes!

What a coincidence!

I was just hoping you were
going to say baked potatoes.

- Then why did you
say mashed potatoes?

- Well-- what-- what
else are we having?

- I'm not sure now if you're
going to get any dinner.

- Oh, Harriet.

You wouldn't be so
cruel as to deprive me

of your wonderful cooking.

Now you're beginning to smile.

Those delicious baked potatoes?

That's the smile!

And that savory meatloaf.

That's the nice big smile.

And that terrific apple pie?

That-- oh!

I-- I meant the chocolate cake.

I don't know why I said the--

No, no, honest, I
did, sweetheart.

Darling?

Master?

- Ozzie, I've changed my mind.

I think I will bake a pie,
a nice big custard pie.

- Well, that's
very nice, but why?

- Well, all of a
sudden, a custard pie

seems very appropriate.

A nice big gooey one.

- Well, I don't get it.

- You will.

"Ozzie and Harriet" will
be back in just a moment.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, dear.

- Boy, that cake
sure looks good.

- Well, I just baked it.

I hope it tastes good.

Oh, David, don't leave
your books on the counter.

- OK, Mom.

Just a second.

- You're growing up.
Aren't you, dear?

- What do you mean?

- I just noticed these
names on your notebook.

Elroy Hirsch, Norm van
Brocklin, Bob Waterfield,

and Kathy Williams.

Who's Kathy Williams?

- Oh, she's a girl in school.

She's very nice, too.

She's real pretty.

In fact, I think she's about
the prettiest girl in school.

- Well, I'd like to meet her.

- And so would I.

- You mean you don't know her?

- Well, not exactly.

But every time she walks
past our English class,

she smiles at me.

- That's nice.

- At least I think it's me.

- Do you smile back?

- Heck, every guy in
the class smiles back.

- You mean they all think
she's smiling at them?

- Yeah, everyone
except her brother.

He thinks we're all crazy.

- Well, if you
think she's so nice,

why don't you speak to her?

- Well, we have
spoken, in a way.

- Oh?

- Yeah, the other
day in the cafeteria,

I happened to be standing
behind her in line.

- And you spoke to her?

- She spoke to me.

She has a very nice voice.

She's a very good speaker.

- Well, what did she say?

- She dropped her spoon on my
shoe and she said, "Sorry."

Wasn't that nice?

- Oh, yes, very nice.

What did you say?

- I said, "That's OK."

- Well, that was
your big chance.

- I know.

I tried to think of
something clever.

- Oh, and you couldn't, huh?
- No.

By the time I finally
thought of "that's OK,"

I had to walk clear over
to her table to say it.

- Well, she sounds
like a very nice girl.

- Well, she is.

A lot of girls wouldn't
have apologized.

- You think not?

- Heck no.

Some girls are as bad as boys.

- And why do you say that?

- Well, they're kind of bossy.

They're always try to
tell you what to do,

like Margie Peabody.

- What's the matter with her?

- She's always trying
to boss you around.

- Oh, and you're like
the shy type, huh?

- Oh, all boys do.

- What about Kathy Williams?

- Oh, she's not bossy at all.

She's just like you, Mom.

- Like me?

- Yeah, you know, you're
always so nice to Pop.

- Well, thank you, dear.

- You never try to
boss him around.

- Well, I--

David, have you been
talking to your father?

- No, ma'am.

Why?

- Oh, nothing.

- Anything the matter, Mom?

- No, dear.

Why?

- You've just got a
strange look on your face.

- Well, I've just made up my
mind about something, David.

I'm going to bake a nice
big apple pie for dinner.

- Hi, Oz.

- Oh, hiya, Thorny.

- Nice day, huh?

- Yeah, very pleasant.

- Well, I say it's a
nice day, but you never

can tell with that sort of
cloud formation up there.

And too, it's a little
warm for this time of year,

but, frankly, I sort of like it.

- What are you
mumbling about, Thorny?

- Well, I'm just trying to
make a little conversation.

What's the matter
with you today?

Get up on the wrong side
of the bed or something?

- No, I'm sorry, Thorny.

Harriet and I had a little
difference of opinion

at breakfast time,
and I'm afraid I'm not

very good company.
- Oh?

What was the fight about?

- Well, it wasn't
exactly a fight.

I mean, Harriet
and I never fight,

or we don't argue seriously.

It was just, you might
say, a spirited discussion.

- Well, it sure has
got you plenty upset.

What happened?

- Well, the fight started and--

No, not fight.

- Uh, spirited discussion.

- It just started when Harriet
picked up the morning paper

and read about Mr. and Mrs.
Strudlemeyer separating.

- Oh, gee, Oz.

I'm sorry.

Were they very good
friends of yours?

- No, but--

- Oh, they're Harriet's friends.

- No, no, no, no.

Harriet doesn't even
know them either.

- Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.

If neither one of you
know them, what difference

does it make if
they're separating?

- Well, see, that's what made
the whole thing so silly, what

made the whole
discussion so pointless.

And I tried to bring
this out to Harriet.

And, in fact, I was perfectly
willing to bury the tuba--

Uh, the hatchet.

- Bury the tuba?

- Well, see, that's what
made it all so silly.

See, here's how the
discussion started.

This woman, an unreasonable
person, Mrs. Strudlemeyer,

refused to allow
her poor husband

to play a tuba in his own home.

And the amazing part is
that Harriet, who is usually

very levelheaded, sided in with
this unreasonable woman simply

because, in this case, the woman
happened to be the man's wife

and of the feminine gender.

- That sounds a little
silly, doesn't it?

- Well, certainly.

The whole thing was pointless
and silly, just as I said.

That's the reason I went
into the kitchen a while ago,

and I tried to smooth the
thing out with Harriet.

My whole attitude was
conciliatory and apologetic.

I figured I should make
the first overtures.

And Harriet just
completely fluffed me off,

got pretty darn salty.

- Well, it's pretty obvious
what your trouble is.

You just don't know
how to handle women.

- Oh, Thorny.

- Oz, you may not
realize it, but I'm

quite a student of
psychology, especially when it

deals with the intricacies
of the feminine mind.

- Since when did
all this happen?

- Oz, please.

Do you want me to
help you or don't you?

- Well, I'd like to
hear your opinion.

Go ahead.

- All right.

Well then, now the way
I've got it figured,

you're just a little
too easygoing.

You've got to be a
little more masterful.

Women like men that gets
a little tough with them

once in a while.

- Oh, I don't know, Thorny.

- Oh, Oz, will you believe me?
Listen to me.

I know what I'm talking about.

You can't beat Mother
Nature, and this is the way

she's got it planned out.

Man is supposed to be
the dominating force,

the masterful one, the
head of the household.

And believe me, Oz, this is the
way that women like it, too.

They don't want to boss
their husbands around.

They like a strong,
forceful man.

They're the ones who'd
like to be dominated.

Now, listen to me, Oz, you've
got to go back into the house

and assert your rights,
assert yourself.

Show Harriet that
you're the boss.

And believe me, she'll
love you for it.

- By golly, Thorny, I think
you have a point there.

Come to think of it, I have been
acting like sort of a jellyfish

recently.

- Of course I've
got a point, Oz.

- I think I'll
follow your advice.

I'll see you later, Thorny.

- OK, jelly.

I mean, Oz.

Catherine?

Catherine?

I'm finished smoking my pipe.

Can I come in the
house now, dear?

- Oh, hiya, Pop.

- Hello, my boy.

- What's that?

- I said, hello, my boy.

- It's me, your son, Ricky.

- Yes, I know it is, Ricky.

It's just that things have
been entirely too informal

around here, and I think we
might as well start rectifying

it by you boys calling me
something a little more

dignified than "Pop."

- What should we call you?

- Was there anything
wrong with "father?"

- I think so.

You're sure acting funny, boy.

- Ricky, you're
probably a little

too young to understand this,
but nature and tradition

have fashioned a certain pattern
that we're supposed to follow.

That is that the
husband and the father

is the head of the household,
the master of the house.

In other words, to
put it very bluntly,

I'm the boss around here.

- I know you are, Pop.

- You do?

How do you know?

- Because mom said you were
the boss, and whatever Mom says

goes.

- Well, from now
on, what I say goes.

I mean-- Mm.

What's that delightful odor
coming from the kitchen?

- Mom's cooking an apple pie.

- Oh, an apple pie
for dinner, eh?

What's this pillow
doing here on the couch?

- Mom said you might want
to rest before dinner.

- Oh, trying to
soften me up, eh?

Well, as I was
saying, from now on--

Oh, boy.

I think that's
gravy or something.

It sure smells delicious.

- Mom's cooking some
mashed potatoes for dinner.

- Oh.

Your mother's just
trying to confuse me.

And it's not going to work,
and she knows darn well it is.

- Come on, Rick.
Get washed up for dinner.

- OK, Mom.

- Hello, dear.

- Oh, uh, Harriet, what the
heck is going on around here?

- Well, nothing's going on.

- Well, I mean, for
one thing, what's

the idea of the
pillow on the couch?

- Well, the master of the
house should have some rest.

The head of the family
needs a little relaxation.

- Oh!

Ricky said it was for me.

- Well, it is.

Aren't you the
master of the house?

- Who, me?

- Yes, you.

- Oh!

Yes, yes, of course.

When will the dinner
be ready, woman?

- Well, when would
you like to have it?

- 15 minutes?

Uh, 15 minutes.

- All right.

We can have it
sooner, if you'd like.

- No, 15 minutes will
be just about right.

You know, I don't think I'll
wear any necktie for dinner

tonight.

- Yes, dear.

- Don't think I'll
wear a coat either.

- If you'll be sitting down, you
needn't wear trousers either.

- I think I'll relax and
read the paper for a while.

- Oh, wait a minute.

I'll get it for you.

- No, that's all right.

I can get it.

- Well, I'll get your slippers.

- No, please don't.

I'd rather just stretch
right out here with my shoes

on the couch.

- Is there anything
I can get for you?

- Not a thing.
Thank you.

Where's the financial page?

Oh, what's the use.

I can't concentrate.

Harriet, what the heck is
going on around here anyways?

- Nothing's going on.

- Gee whiz.

What's happened
to our happy home?

- Well, aren't you happy now?

- Well, yes, but do
you want me to help

you set the table or something?

- Oh, no, I can set it.

- Oh, that's OK.

I don't want to argue about it.

- Oh, I'm not arguing.

- Oh, neither am
I. I'm just trying

to start a normal conversation.

- Oh, have it your way.

- Well, of course
I'll have it my way.

That's the way it's
supposed to be.

The husband and
father's supposed

to be the head of the household.

- Well, certainly.

It's been that way
since time began.

- Sure.

Maybe that's what's
wrong around here.

- Well, look, dear, why don't
you just lie down and relax?

And I'll call you
when dinner's ready.

David?

- Sorry I took so long, Mom.

- Where have you been?
- Oh, don't you remember?

You sent me down to
the grocery store.

- Well, that was
over an hour ago.

What happened?

- I met Kathy
Williams down there.

- Don't tell me you
walked home with her.

- Well, heck, I couldn't
let a girl carry

all those heavy groceries.

- What all did she have?

- A loaf of bread.

- Is that all,
for goodness sake?

- Oh, it was the jumbo size.

I met her, and I
think she likes me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

She said we're going
to the movies Saturday,

some love picture.

I suggested a western,
but she said no.

- Oh, she did, did she?

- Yeah, I have to
wear a tie, too.

- Well, sounds very formal.

- Yeah, she's going to teach
me to rumba after the movies.

- To rumba?

It takes two to tango.

- Ricky.

- What's the matter, mom?

- Oh, never mind.

Keep going.

It takes two to tango.

- She wants me to
be a good dancer.

In fact, she insists upon it.

- Wait a minute.

I thought you didn't like
girls who were bossy.

- Oh, is she bossy?

- Well, she certainly
sounds like it.

- Gee, coming from her,
you'd never even notice it.

- You gonna do what she says?

- Sure.

It'll be fun letting
her boss me around.

- Oh, I see.

- I guess you don't really
mind when you like a person.

- Excuse me a minute, David.

Ozzie?

Ozzie!

Get your feet off the couch,
and come help me set the table.

- I must have been dreaming.

"Ozzie and Harriet" will
be back in a moment.

- You know, Harriet, the more
I think about this Strudlemeyer

case, the more I'm definitely
convinced that he was wrong.

- Well, you know it's
funny you should say that,

because the more I
think about it the more

I'm convinced that
she was to blame.

Poor man.

Why shouldn't he play
the tuba in his own home?

- Well, regardless
of who is to blame,

let's just agree on one thing.

Let's never get
involved in another one

of these hypothetical
discussions again, huh?

- All right, dear.

But it was definitely her fault.

- Oh, you're just saying
that to be diplomatic.

I appreciate it, but it
was definitely his fault.

- No, I really mean it.

The wife is very inconsiderate.

- All right then, it
was the wife's fault.

We're agreed on that, so
let's drop the subject.

- Do you really think
it was her fault?

- Of course not.

I just don't want any arguments.

- That's good, because secretly,
I think it was his fault.

- Hey, look at this
article in the paper.

Harriet, the Strudlemeyers
have buried the hatchet.

- Well, good for them.

Who finally gave in?

- Well, the man of course.

Who else?

- Is that what it says?

- Well, not exactly.

- Well, how do you know?

- Well, I'll read it to you.

"For sale or trade, one
tuba, slightly battered.

Phone Rudolph Strudlemeyer."

Next week, "The Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet"

will be brought to you by
Prophylactic toothbrushes,

Listerine toothpaste, and
Listerine, the most widely

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