Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,760
We're right here.
2
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,600
- Babe, you all right ?
- Yeah.
3
00:00:30,679 --> 00:00:33,039
You're making sprinkler sounds
with your mouth.
4
00:00:33,119 --> 00:00:38,039
Yeah. I'm... I'll calm down when I see
the venue, if that makes sense.
5
00:00:38,399 --> 00:00:39,840
Like you said, it's 300 people,
6
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,759
and that's way bigger
than I've performed for,
7
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,799
so when I see the stage
I think I'll calm down a little bit.
8
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,280
You're good.
Like, we worked on these jokes.
9
00:00:48,359 --> 00:00:51,280
The NACA showcase is like no big deal.
Just do your act.
10
00:00:51,359 --> 00:00:54,000
Make them laugh, and I'm sure
you'll book a lot of colleges.
11
00:00:54,079 --> 00:00:57,439
So relax and enjoy our ride
to Philadelphia.
12
00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,200
Okay. I will.
13
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,399
Well, you can't trust her
'cause you guys are fucking.
14
00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:07,200
All right. Hey, can you not look
at your phone while we'redriving ?
15
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,319
No, I got it. I do this all the time.
16
00:01:09,879 --> 00:01:13,280
Right, but you shouldn't
'cause it's illegal and dangerous.
17
00:01:13,359 --> 00:01:15,079
It's basically
like drinking and driving.
18
00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:17,920
I actually put it in my phone too,
so I'm happy to navigate.
19
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:21,040
You guys talking is actually distracting
me more, so I'm just trying to focus...
20
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,400
- On killing us.
- I can only do two things at once.
21
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:26,239
You're focusing on trying to murder us
by being obstinate.
22
00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:28,760
I'm just trying to keep it simple.
Phone and road.
23
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:32,400
Just look forward. I got it.
You're supposed to go straight.
24
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,680
- We got one more.
- One more what ?
25
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:38,159
- You have... someone else is coming ?
- Yeah. We're picking somebody up.
26
00:01:41,519 --> 00:01:42,799
Hey !
27
00:01:43,599 --> 00:01:48,239
Is that Melissa Villasenor ? You rep
Melissa Villasenor fromSNL ?
28
00:01:48,319 --> 00:01:50,640
Yeah. I rep a lot of people
you don't know about.
29
00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:52,879
My finger is in many pots.
30
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:56,640
Hi ! Listen, you can have shotgun.
31
00:01:56,719 --> 00:01:58,519
- Oh, thanks !
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
32
00:01:58,599 --> 00:02:01,079
That's nice. Thank you.
33
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,319
- Got it ?
- Pete, be careful. Wow.
34
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:09,039
- That's a nice bag.
- Thanks.
35
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,240
I just wanna say you're my favorite part
of SNL right now. Really.
36
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:16,120
I think you're sensational.
Your Owen Wilson, it's like...
37
00:02:16,199 --> 00:02:18,560
- And David Pumpkins, Mr. Pumpkins.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:21,120
- David has pumpkins.
- Yeah. Thanks.
39
00:02:21,199 --> 00:02:23,039
Just relax. She just sat down.
40
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,560
- She seems okay with it.
- Okay.
41
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,000
I've never met a cast member before.
42
00:02:30,719 --> 00:02:32,159
CRASHING
Season II, episode 7
43
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,759
I really think you're the next
Kristen Wiig, but better impressions.
44
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:39,080
I just think you're phenomenal.
What's it like working withLorne ?
45
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,280
He's a funny one.
46
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,280
What did you do for your audition ?
47
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:45,159
Oh, I did mainly impressions.
48
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:48,919
Like Christina Aguilera was
one of my first signing impressions.
49
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,680
It was just really one letter,
you know, you just...
50
00:02:57,080 --> 00:03:00,599
It really fills the car.
Fills the car with joy.
51
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,479
- That's so good.
- Thanks.
52
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,520
I've been working on Malkovich,
53
00:03:05,599 --> 00:03:09,719
which is just, I'm better,
I'm stronger, I'm faster.
54
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,159
It's just over enunciating.
55
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:16,319
Sarah Silverman. I'm here in the car.
My vagina is here.
56
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,919
What would Christina Aguilera
sound like singing a lullaby ?
57
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:26,719
Hush little baby don't say a word,
58
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,840
and she'd wake up the baby.
59
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,800
Wanda Sykes impression.
What the hell is this shit ?
60
00:03:37,879 --> 00:03:39,680
Oh, it's so good.
61
00:03:48,599 --> 00:03:51,360
- I gotta get on Snapchat.
- Yeah, apparently.
62
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:53,960
- Name.
- Woods.
63
00:03:54,039 --> 00:03:55,400
- Here for NACA ?
- Yes.
64
00:03:55,479 --> 00:03:59,479
Great. Three people in a standard
double for one night.
65
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,319
- Yeah.
- Great.
66
00:04:03,039 --> 00:04:05,080
Sir, are they with you ?
67
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,919
No. Well, two... one... two of them are.
68
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,439
The other guy, he's staying
somewhere else.
69
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,120
Okay. Because the maximum is three.
70
00:04:16,879 --> 00:04:19,240
You're allowed only three
in the same room
71
00:04:19,319 --> 00:04:23,160
because we have a lot of people
abusing our extra-guest policy.
72
00:04:23,759 --> 00:04:26,319
I wouldn't do that.
I would never abuse a policy.
73
00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:29,560
That's one of my policies,
never abuse policies.
74
00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:34,680
Okay. And how many keys
would you like ?
75
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,879
- Let me do four.
- Great.
76
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,519
And we're gonna need a cot.
77
00:04:53,759 --> 00:04:56,199
Melissa, what is that stuff ?
78
00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:59,199
That's my sleep mask,
my noise-cancelling headphones,
79
00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:01,680
and my white noise machine.
80
00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:03,959
So what do you play
in the headphones ?
81
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,680
Brown noise.
82
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:07,720
I need some dinner.
83
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,040
- Oh, man, me too. Can I come ?
- Sure.
84
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,079
- You want anything ?
- I'm okay.
85
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,600
- Melissa ?
- I'm good, thanks.
86
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:19,639
The elevator is this way.
87
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,360
Yeah, I'm glad you came.
We need to talk about your college act.
88
00:05:23,439 --> 00:05:26,759
What do you mean ? I don't really have
a college act. I just have my act.
89
00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:29,399
Yeah. That's the problem, okay ?
These kids are super sensitive.
90
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:31,079
You never know
what's gonna set 'em off.
91
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,480
You grew up in the'80s
when everybody thought
92
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,199
bullying was a hilarious
and just normal part of life.
93
00:05:35,279 --> 00:05:38,519
- Okay. So like what ?
- Don't talk about abortion.
94
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,439
- Have you seen my act ?
- Yeah. No more gypping, okay ?
95
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:47,079
You don't wanna talk about gypsies or
really any type of group from any area.
96
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,600
- You don't want to talk about sex.
- Okay, fine.
97
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,439
Don't talk about rape.
Don't take about overdosing.
98
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:55,000
No suicide, no fire, none of that.
99
00:05:55,079 --> 00:05:57,120
So what am I supposed to talk about ?
100
00:05:57,199 --> 00:05:59,360
Just talk about the absurdities
of the world,
101
00:05:59,439 --> 00:06:02,920
or like make an observation and then
talk about what's weird about it.
102
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,759
That's vague.
103
00:06:04,839 --> 00:06:08,079
Just do like... do like
there's always one guy stuff.
104
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,160
What is that ?
105
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,319
There's always one guy at the office
who's always got a hat on.
106
00:06:12,399 --> 00:06:13,639
Always got a hat on ?
107
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:27,480
I don't have any kids,
but doesn't it kind of feel like I do ?
108
00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:32,759
Kind of like a fun dad,
like a dad you see at a barbecue.
109
00:06:35,639 --> 00:06:38,720
Fresca. Fresca.
110
00:06:47,879 --> 00:06:50,360
Let's go. Big day !
111
00:06:52,639 --> 00:06:55,439
Obviously we don't want any of you
to feel censored in anyway,
112
00:06:55,519 --> 00:06:59,439
but I encourage if your creativity
or banter within your performances
113
00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:03,480
skews towards things like assault,
rape, suicide, race,
114
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,519
kindly steer that ship right on
over to somewhere else.
115
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,680
Or fire.
They said don't talk about fire.
116
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,800
If they would bleep it on The Big Bang
Theory, don't do it, okay ?
117
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,800
When I was a kid,
I was always eating Bubble Tape.
118
00:07:16,879 --> 00:07:19,639
You guys remember Bubble Tape ?
Yes, right ?
119
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,000
It's so good.
It's like thebest gum, you know ?
120
00:07:22,079 --> 00:07:23,800
And what's awesome
about Bubble Tape,
121
00:07:23,879 --> 00:07:26,560
instead of it being, like,
individually wrapped little pieces,
122
00:07:26,639 --> 00:07:28,879
like, oh, oh, I gotta put the gum
in an envelope,
123
00:07:28,959 --> 00:07:31,959
like what, is this like a post office
or something ?
124
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:36,759
Bubble tape though, Bubble Tape was
just one like one long ass piece of gum.
125
00:07:37,199 --> 00:07:38,600
Long ass piece of gum.
126
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:42,399
I would just bite into that think
like a hockey puck. More for me !
127
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,959
I was like a Cookie Monster,
but with Bubble Tape.
128
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,399
I was like bah, ah, ah, ah...
129
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,480
All right, ya'll.
Thank you, guys. Thank you.
130
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,519
Clay Dayton !
131
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:04,560
Watch me whip, watch me nae nae.
132
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,720
Watch me whip, watch me nae nae.
133
00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:12,240
You guys know what's up.
134
00:08:12,639 --> 00:08:15,560
All right.
Are you guys ready for your next act ?
135
00:08:16,279 --> 00:08:20,160
Please give it up for the lovely
and talented Ali Reissen !
136
00:08:30,199 --> 00:08:33,639
Thank you.
Oh, my God, it's so good to be here.
137
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,120
So you guys are in college,
that's pretty chill. Yeah ?
138
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,679
- You guys got roommates ?
- Yeah !
139
00:08:39,759 --> 00:08:42,360
Yeah, that's a whole thing.
I had a roommate in college,
140
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,320
she would always walk around naked,
you know ?
141
00:08:45,639 --> 00:08:48,200
She would always refer to her breasts
as the twins,
142
00:08:48,279 --> 00:08:49,679
which I thought was funny
because I'm like,
143
00:08:49,759 --> 00:08:52,639
I've seen the twins,
and they're fraternal.
144
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:58,519
I was like, I don't know if the left one
is from the same father, you know ?
145
00:08:59,559 --> 00:09:02,919
She was like, what do you mean ?
I'm like the left one's black and...
146
00:09:03,559 --> 00:09:05,000
Colleges are scary now though.
147
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,679
Like, you got a lot of activities,
obviously.
148
00:09:07,759 --> 00:09:11,360
You can get involved in so many things.
149
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:15,519
Let's see, sports, theater,
rape is pretty big.
150
00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:18,919
Yeah, I mean, you know, if you're
a girl and you go to a frat party,
151
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:22,519
like,there is a chance
that you could get roofied,
152
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:26,039
which... yeah, don't laugh at that,
'cause it's fucked.
153
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:27,919
But, yeah. I think it's disgusting
154
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,120
that we've shortened the word
Rohypnol to roofie, right ?
155
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:35,039
Like Rohypnol, it sounds, like,
severe because it issevere.
156
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,399
It's a rape drug.
And we're like, roofie,
157
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:41,240
like we made it cute
which is so demented.
158
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,679
You can't take something terrible
and make it sound adorable.
159
00:09:44,759 --> 00:09:46,000
That's not acceptable.
160
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,120
Like, you would never be like, yeah,
my roommate, she was in a car crash.
161
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,279
It's actually read sad.
162
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:54,200
Her head got decappied,
and, yeah, it's a bummer.
163
00:09:54,279 --> 00:09:57,720
It was also on 9-11sies which is just
like really weird timing,
164
00:09:57,799 --> 00:09:59,159
but it's okay. It's okay.
165
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:06,120
The driver, he was sentenced
to life in pris.
166
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,720
Thank you guys.
I'm Reissen, have a great night.
167
00:10:11,039 --> 00:10:13,120
Ali Riessen !
168
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:25,240
This next performer, you may know her
from Saturday Night Live.
169
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,799
Please welcome Melissa Villasenor !
170
00:10:38,399 --> 00:10:40,879
Hey, you guys are the best.
171
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,840
Any of you guys Shakira fans ?
Shakira ?
172
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,519
I don't know if you'll be now
because I figured out something, okay ?
173
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,480
I realized I don't think
she's all that hot
174
00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:52,279
if she didn't have background music.
175
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,879
Like if it was just that singing voice
and her dancing, it'd be this.
176
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,919
You want a pin ? It's my little head.
177
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,559
- Put it on your backpack.
- We can't wait.
178
00:11:53,639 --> 00:11:54,799
See ya in November.
179
00:11:56,159 --> 00:12:00,360
You gotta book me on your campus.
Think about it, right ?
180
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,960
- Hi.
- This is fun.
181
00:12:04,919 --> 00:12:07,799
- Did you see the slide ?
- I did, yeah. It looks really fun.
182
00:12:07,879 --> 00:12:08,879
There's a magician over there.
183
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:12,159
He read the serial number on a bill
that I had in my wallet.
184
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,320
- He knew the number.
- Whoa, that's crazy.
185
00:12:21,799 --> 00:12:23,759
You did great.
186
00:12:25,279 --> 00:12:28,519
This is brutal. This is brutal.
187
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,039
I feel like the ugly girl
at the kissing booth.
188
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:34,399
No. You're the prettiest girl
at the kissing booth.
189
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,200
You're not even in a booth.
190
00:12:42,639 --> 00:12:44,720
Hey, how's it going ? Want a pin ?
191
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,159
- I'm gonna run out.
- Why ?
192
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,000
I think I'm...
I think I'm scaring the bookers away,
193
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:57,000
so maybe if you're just here,
they'll... oh, that's the girl, right ?
194
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:58,799
Right.
195
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,200
- Ali Reissen.
- All right, just go.
196
00:13:01,279 --> 00:13:03,080
- From the 9:00 a.m. show.
- Okay, bye. Okay, bye bye.
197
00:13:03,159 --> 00:13:05,279
- Okay. Be right there.
- Oh, okay. Bye.
198
00:13:09,519 --> 00:13:11,320
Cool shirt.
199
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,559
- Hey.
- Hi.
200
00:13:17,159 --> 00:13:18,440
You know, this is all a big part of it,
201
00:13:18,519 --> 00:13:21,320
the mingling and the, you know,
meeting people.
202
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:26,360
I was also thinking you should try
to get on SNL, you know ?
203
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,039
That's been huge for Melissa.
204
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:32,000
Yeah. No. It's a big show for her
and everybody who's on it.
205
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,919
So maybe as a next step
that'd be good for you.
206
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,159
Totally. Totally, totally, totally.
207
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:41,120
But because we had this conversation,
if you do get SNL, I get 10 percent.
208
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,799
Just so you know.
That's how it works.
209
00:13:42,879 --> 00:13:44,559
Yeah. Okay.
You're so helpful, thank you.
210
00:13:44,639 --> 00:13:46,600
This was awesome.
Great chat.
211
00:14:20,399 --> 00:14:24,320
- Are these really two bucks ?
- Yeah. They're a real steal.
212
00:14:46,399 --> 00:14:49,480
- Hey, there you are.
- Hey ! Any bookings ?
213
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,799
- No... Not yet.
- That's fine.
214
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:54,840
What are you doing ?
215
00:14:54,919 --> 00:14:58,039
It's my merch.
I ran out and I got some.
216
00:14:58,600 --> 00:14:59,960
Gas it up.
217
00:15:00,039 --> 00:15:03,399
Yeah. I thought it was...
might work as like a catch phrase.
218
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:06,240
Something to help me stand out.
It's from a gas station.
219
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:10,960
So you're gonna write a joke
to match this shirt ?
220
00:15:11,039 --> 00:15:14,440
Yeah. It's like a sales pitch.
This is a marketing play.
221
00:15:14,519 --> 00:15:17,000
You're spiraling.
Why would you do that ?
222
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,840
You have a great act.
Just do your set.
223
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:21,600
- I don't know if a great act is enough.
- What do you mean ?
224
00:15:21,679 --> 00:15:24,200
They need laughs and a takeaway.
225
00:15:24,279 --> 00:15:26,559
I'm not trying to, like,
play to the back of the room.
226
00:15:26,639 --> 00:15:29,879
I'm trying to get a bunch of dorks
that book campus activities
227
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,720
to think that I'm a neat-o fellow,
you know ?
228
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:36,919
So like nostalgia stuff, obviously
impressions are killing really hard,
229
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,799
so I want to do some remember
when stuff for these guys.
230
00:15:40,879 --> 00:15:45,440
Okay. Well, sounds like you have
a master plan.
231
00:15:45,519 --> 00:15:49,360
I'm not gonna try to mess with it.
Good luck with this.
232
00:15:49,879 --> 00:15:53,039
- It's like a business card.
- That you can wear.
233
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,120
- I know you're joking.
- Sassy.
234
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,799
We'll see who's laughing.
235
00:15:56,879 --> 00:16:01,559
Keep it going for the Chicago Boys.
236
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,759
Are you guys ready
for your next comic ?
237
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:10,039
A super funny dude, put your hands
together for Pete Holmes.
238
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,159
Hello ! How it's going NACA ?
239
00:16:18,039 --> 00:16:19,559
Let me hear you say hey !
240
00:16:19,639 --> 00:16:21,480
Ho ! NACA !
241
00:16:23,559 --> 00:16:25,759
Yeah ! You guys are good.
242
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:29,559
I love High School Musical. You guys
remember High School Musical ?
243
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,639
That was the best.
That ruined regular basketball for me.
244
00:16:34,759 --> 00:16:36,279
I would go
to a regular basketball game,
245
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,600
and I'd be like,
why aren't you dancing ?
246
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:42,080
Don't just pass ! Flail !
247
00:16:43,759 --> 00:16:47,039
What about Harry Potter ?
Harry Potter, that was the best.
248
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,320
I love Harry Potter. Harold M. Potter.
249
00:16:50,399 --> 00:16:52,440
But I think the most magical thing
about all of Harry Potter
250
00:16:52,519 --> 00:16:54,799
is that it made us love books.
251
00:16:55,200 --> 00:17:00,799
How did they do that ? Books ?
Is there anything worse than books ?
252
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,240
And suddenly they're like,
it's about a magical nerd,
253
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,759
and we're like, gimme that book !
254
00:17:05,839 --> 00:17:09,640
How many pages ? A thousand ?
That's not enough book.
255
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,319
Who here has car ?
Anybody have a car ?
256
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,559
Anybody have a car ?
You out there driving ?
257
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:18,720
Put it in drive.
Put it in D. Put it in D, baby.
258
00:17:19,319 --> 00:17:22,359
I love getting gas in my car.
You ever treat yourself ?
259
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,039
You ever treat yourself
and get full service ?
260
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:29,400
Full service.
You don't have to do anything.
261
00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:34,680
I like to put my hands
behind my... gas it up.
262
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:40,319
In the road trip of life, don't go
with a half tank, go with a gas it up.
263
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,680
Go with gas it up.
264
00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:44,920
What would happen
if Arnold Schwarzenegger
265
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,279
had an itch on his back
he couldn't reach. He's just like...
266
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,039
Bring me the terminator hand
that I might reach it.
267
00:17:56,559 --> 00:17:58,640
Then he finally reaches it.
Oh, yeah.
268
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,240
Oh, my fucking God.
269
00:18:00,319 --> 00:18:02,720
Then he drives homes in his Hummer,
goes and get full service.
270
00:18:02,799 --> 00:18:06,240
Gas it up ! Gas it up !
271
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:11,279
All right, NACA, thank you so much !
Thank you ! Thank you so much !
272
00:18:11,759 --> 00:18:16,920
Come see me in Booth 550.
Gas it up ! Gas it up !
273
00:18:22,759 --> 00:18:26,000
Thank you, ladies. I'm so glad
you enjoyed the show. Thank you.
274
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:29,920
Yes, gas it up ! Gas it up !
275
00:18:30,319 --> 00:18:32,599
You got six so far,
and I'm working on more.
276
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:38,559
Six ? Yes ! That's six times 1100
is like, that's almost seven grand !
277
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,559
Yeah. Minus hotel, travel,
and my 20 percent,
278
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,279
that's not bad for a year's work.
279
00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:44,880
You're my new show pony.
280
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,960
I've been paying attention
to the wrong horse.
281
00:18:47,039 --> 00:18:49,799
I should've been sneaking
into your stable.
282
00:18:50,599 --> 00:18:51,880
- You're the gas it up guy.
- Hey !
283
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,240
- You got this.
- Yes, yes, yes.
284
00:18:53,319 --> 00:18:55,240
Where do you guys go to school ?
285
00:19:00,799 --> 00:19:04,319
Hey. I just wanted to say
you were my favorite.
286
00:19:05,039 --> 00:19:08,000
Oh, thank you. That's really nice.
287
00:19:08,559 --> 00:19:10,359
- What's your name ?
- Nadine.
288
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,880
Hi, Nadine. Nice to meet you.
What school do you go to ?
289
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,359
Earlham. You've probably
never heard of it.
290
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,839
I go there, and I haven't heard of it.
291
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:21,039
- That's really funny.
- Really ?
292
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,480
Yeah. Do you do comedy ?
293
00:19:22,559 --> 00:19:25,640
I would, but I think I'm more like
situational funny
294
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:28,039
than like writing funny.
295
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,799
- But you were so good.
- Oh, thank you.
296
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:36,039
Like that one bit you had about
dating mimes, I was like, oh, my God.
297
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,799
I don't... I don't have a bit
about dating a mime.
298
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:46,400
Shit. I just...
I saw so many comedians today.
299
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:47,519
Sure.
300
00:19:47,599 --> 00:19:50,319
It's... you just guys all kind
of just blurred together, you know ?
301
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,960
Yeah.
302
00:19:53,079 --> 00:19:55,160
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
303
00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:57,880
Okay...
304
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,640
Hey.
305
00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:27,720
Where'd you go ?
I was looking for you.
306
00:20:27,799 --> 00:20:29,839
Everybody's down there.
307
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:32,720
Came here.
I didn't book any colleges,
308
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:36,680
so I'm just, you know,
eating my feelings.
309
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,279
Turkey club ?
310
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,160
They do avocado, or...
311
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:47,559
I don't think they have that
in Philadelphia.
312
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,920
I booked six on the marketplace floor,
313
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,839
and then I actually booked another one
just networking at the mixer.
314
00:20:56,359 --> 00:20:58,400
Don't say networking.
315
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,240
I'm sorry. What's going on ?
316
00:21:01,559 --> 00:21:05,640
- Are you... what's up ?
- Nothing. You deserve it, Pete.
317
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:09,640
You did everything they wanted.
You were out there gassing it up.
318
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,480
I'm... are you upset at me ?
319
00:21:12,799 --> 00:21:16,119
I just did what I thought
we came here to do.
320
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,599
We're here to book shows.
We're here to make some money.
321
00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:22,359
It's not about the money.
It's about the craft,
322
00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:24,759
and this whole place is a circus.
323
00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:27,000
Do you really think Chris Rock
would stand out there
324
00:21:27,079 --> 00:21:31,839
and wait for some teenager to validate
his existence with a precious booking ?
325
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,960
Chris Rock doesn't work
at a Cold Stone Creamery, right ?
326
00:21:35,039 --> 00:21:39,200
I mean, we take the opportunities as
they come. We can't pick and choose.
327
00:21:39,279 --> 00:21:44,640
I really am sorry you didn't book,
but, you know, it's not...
328
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,920
- You didn't exactly play ball.
- Excuse me ?
329
00:21:48,519 --> 00:21:52,000
You're up there swearing
and you told rape jokes.
330
00:21:53,319 --> 00:21:55,559
- I was doing my act.
- No, I know.
331
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,000
And it was an anti-rape joke,
if you were even listening. Yeah.
332
00:21:59,079 --> 00:22:01,400
See, 'cause what I do
is I use that opportunity
333
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,519
to make young people feel less alone
334
00:22:03,599 --> 00:22:07,400
as opposed to what you did,
which was take a shit on the stage.
335
00:22:08,039 --> 00:22:10,720
How can you say that ?
We're not here to change lives.
336
00:22:10,799 --> 00:22:12,720
We're here to change our lives.
337
00:22:12,799 --> 00:22:15,799
They just said don't say rape,
and you open with rape.
338
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,160
I don't care what they said !
339
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,720
I know what kind of stand-up
I should do.
340
00:22:19,799 --> 00:22:22,039
I don't need someone else
dictating my act.
341
00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:23,279
Read the situation.
342
00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:25,880
This wasn't the time to take a stand
and try and change lives.
343
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:27,079
We're trying to get work !
344
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:28,319
Do you know what it was like for me
345
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:31,599
to watch my boyfriend up there
sucking NACA's dick ?
346
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,160
We're supposed to suck NACA's dick !
That's why we came here.
347
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:36,720
You came here to suck NACA's dick,
suck NACA's dick !
348
00:22:36,799 --> 00:22:39,400
Honestly... honestly,
you're disgusting.
349
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,759
I don't need advice from you
on how to book, Pete, okay ?
350
00:22:42,839 --> 00:22:44,400
Oh, I'm sorry.
If you're so above this,
351
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:47,240
why did you come if you don't wanna
gas it up a little bit ?
352
00:22:47,319 --> 00:22:50,640
I came here to book. I came here
to try to turn this into a career.
353
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,599
I don't wanna be a fucking open mic'er.
Do you ?
354
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,599
Yes. That's my dream.
355
00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:01,720
Okay. I don't... can we ...
Can we back this up a little bit ?
356
00:23:01,799 --> 00:23:07,079
I'm sorry, okay ? I really am.
I'm sorry that it didn't go your way.
357
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:11,039
I thought it would.
I thought you were great, okay ?
358
00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:17,119
But, you know, I booked,
that's good for us.
359
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:22,960
I'm probably gonna need somebody
to open for me if you wanna...
360
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,160
- Someone to open for you ?
- Something we can...
361
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,400
- Fuck you !
- Come on...
362
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,400
Throw yourself on a fucking fire, Pete.
363
00:23:37,119 --> 00:23:38,519
Fuck !
364
00:23:40,599 --> 00:23:42,599
Hey, we leave in five.
365
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:46,519
Also, can you call downstairs
and tell them we never got any robes ?
366
00:23:46,599 --> 00:23:50,759
- What are... you're stealing robes ?
- Yeah. I take a lot of baths.
367
00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:04,240
- Hey.
- Hey.
368
00:24:05,279 --> 00:24:09,559
We're gonna get going soon.
You okay ?
369
00:24:13,799 --> 00:24:16,000
Yeah, I guess. I'm fine.
370
00:24:17,559 --> 00:24:21,400
You know, the first time I did a NACA
I bombed really hard.
371
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:23,839
- All right.
- No, I'm serious.
372
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,519
Like, I was standing in the booth,
373
00:24:25,599 --> 00:24:27,400
and there was a juggler near me
and a hypnotist
374
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,680
and they were just showing off,
375
00:24:29,759 --> 00:24:32,200
and I was like, well,
I just talk, you know.
376
00:24:32,279 --> 00:24:35,440
Well, you know,
things worked out for you, so...
377
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,880
You don't wanna be good
at this thing though.
378
00:24:40,279 --> 00:24:43,920
You're not a can of Coke.
You have a different path.
379
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,559
There's certain comics
that know this world and...
380
00:24:49,519 --> 00:24:55,759
But then sometimes they're stuck in it,
and that's kinda creepy.
381
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:01,160
- What happened to your voice ?
- What do you mean ?
382
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,160
I mean, you always sound
like Kermit the Frog
383
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,519
just got kicked in the nuts.
384
00:25:05,599 --> 00:25:06,599
I guess so.
385
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:10,400
Right now you just sound like a human.
What's up with that ?
386
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:13,480
What's up with that ?
387
00:25:14,319 --> 00:25:17,480
Are you doing me ? Really ?
388
00:25:17,839 --> 00:25:20,960
That's like such a compliment.
You're easy.
389
00:25:23,599 --> 00:25:26,480
Just like someone stepped on a cat.
390
00:25:27,519 --> 00:25:31,799
It's okay. I'm an acquired taste.
That's pretty good.
391
00:25:40,799 --> 00:25:43,079
All right, all right, all right.
392
00:25:44,599 --> 00:25:47,240
- Is that McConaughey ?
- Yeah.
393
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:52,079
That was good. All right.
I'm Matthew McConaughey.
394
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:56,279
I'm Matthew McConaughey.
Gotta find my surfboard.
395
00:25:56,359 --> 00:25:59,000
- Pete, you got Holy Cross.
- I did ?
396
00:25:59,079 --> 00:26:02,920
- Congrats. Congrats.
- Thanks.
397
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,319
That's awesome. Congrats.
398
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:08,039
Thanks.
399
00:26:08,839 --> 00:26:13,559
- Let's... We'll catch up later.
- All right.
400
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:17,880
The law says you cannot touch...
401
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:20,880
But I think I see
a lot of law breakers out there.
402
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:27,440
I'm starting a buyer's club in Dallas.
403
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,000
Good news ?
404
00:26:30,359 --> 00:26:35,839
Yeah. You know,
it was a good... yeah.
405
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:39,039
- That's good.
- Yeah.
406
00:26:39,519 --> 00:26:41,519
No, that's awesome.
407
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,359
Thanks.
408
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:47,000
All right, all right, all right.
409
00:26:49,759 --> 00:26:52,599
I gotta get through this wormhole
to meet my daughter
410
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:55,440
and send her a message
through books.
411
00:26:55,799 --> 00:26:59,039
Message... I need to send her
a message through books.
412
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,240
I drive a Lincoln.
413
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,119
- I love a Lincoln.
- Dallas Buyers.
414
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,960
People around here call me Mud.
415
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,960
End of episode 7
34464
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.