All language subtitles for Dave.S01E08.PIBE.1080p.HMAX.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

"My Dick Sucks"
put him on the map.

The Somebody Suck Me
Competition?

Well, that proved that he could infiltrate
pop culture like that.

Now, what's the next big project
that's gonna elevate Dave

to become an icon-level artist?

Well, lucky for you guys,
he's working on that right now.

And maybe it can be
with Katonah Records.

And just to piggyback off Mike...
Thank you...

I'm working on my next album
right now.

I really think it's gonna be,
like, the zenith of musicality.

It's called Penith.

But do you guys actually get it?

- Like, fully?
- They get it.

What does "penith" mean to you?
I don't mean to harp, but I feel like...

They get it. He gets it.

All I know is, somebody wants to get
their dick sucked right now.

- What?
- You get that?

- That we want to sign you?
- Dope.

I can talk like this because
this is a creative meeting.

Thus, HR can't get mad
at me again.

I haven't worked in corporate
America for a while, but...

Hey, Dave. Have you ever
been sucked like this?

A record deal.
I do love to get sucked.

He does.

But this feels
like I'm being fucked up my ass.

Or how I'd imagine
it feels like.

So...

I have a slack jaw,
and a underbite.

And that's why I could only bite
that amount of it.

Come back with something better,

or Denzel Washington will
walk right out your front door.

Me.

I act as well.

Do you have another copy?

Hi, I'm Dave

-I'm Lil Dicky
-Hi, I'm Dave

-Who's Dave?
-Hi, I'm Dave.

I say this with the utmost sincerity,
I am the next Kanye West.

Except... I'm white.

It's a shitty reality,
but white rappers sell more.

Records, ticket sales. It's just, it sucks,
but it's the cold, hard truth.

I hate that it's true,
by the way.

So, I'm actually more like Eminem,
to the consumer.

- The highest selling rapper of all time.
- Drake is.

What?

Drake is the highest selling rap...
We surpassed him.

- When?
- This year.

He's Jewish, so whatever.
I'm like Eminem, except I'm wholesome.

And, like, sweet.
I'm, like, a sweet man.

Any 12-year-old girl in America
is gonna look at me and be like,

"Oh, my God,
I could marry that guy."

And by the way, I wouldn't
marry a 12-year-old girl.

I'm just saying,
they will want to marry me. Mentally.

They'll never have a chance
because I'm not a pedophile.

- Keep going. Just keep going.
- And that brings me to my next point.

My physicality.

I'm just, like, I read all the comments,
and I see everything, and it didn't...

- It was not always this way.
- No.

If you look at my face now, you'd never
realize what I used to look like.

When I as a kid, my face was haunted.
People used to scream at me.

And you what's gonna
end up happening, right?

- The Zayn effect. Like, who is Zayn?
- Zayn Malik?

I don't even know what
that guy's music sounds like,

but it doesn't even matter,
he's so hot.

- Yeah. He's hot.
- It's pretty good.

- He's really hot.
- Yeah.

Anyways, you put all three of those things
together and you have Lil Dicky.

I'm Dave Burd.
I'm also a hopeless romantic.

I just learned you're supposed
to call Hispanic peopleLa-tinx.

And I love chicken fingers
with a side of honeymu-stard.

Let's make a billion dollars.
Thank you.

We think you have the potential
to be the next Lonely Island.

Yeah.

- Is my music a joke to you guys?
- Yeah, it's so funny.

Hilarious.

I am one of the five best rappers alive,
probably.

Well, I guess I'm not better than Nas,
or, like, Lil Wayne. Yeah.

- Young Thug, either.
- No.

I have to, like, write it all...
I don't know.

But I'm saying it's, like...
It's not... Like, Lonely Island.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to get off
on the wrong foot.

- What else are you working on?
- I'm working on an album.

That's great.

It's calledPenith.

Penith?

- He's just so funny.Penith?
- They got it.

No. Do you even know
what "zenith" means?

Do you even know
what you're laughing at?

You said "penith."

You guys don't even know
what you're laughing at.

Dave, I'm just gonna cut
to the chase here.

You're hilarious,
but we are a record label.

We make music,
and your music is what we want.

Your rapping is amazing.

- Yeah. It's good, right?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, we love it.
- I'm an incredible rapper.

- We concur.
- I think so.

Thanks.

Question is, are you willing
to settle for that?

- How far do you want to go?
- All right, cut the shit.

If I ever sign with a label, it would only be
to use them as a machine.

Like, I would never want you
guys touching the creative.

There's no idea you could give me that
I wouldn't already know myself better.

Absolutely.
We're coming in just as partners.

- Nothing creative. That's all you.
- Yeah, you do your thing.

Just think of us as planets
around your sun.

I believe in simulation
theory right now, so that's...

Tell me, in actuality,
how you'd add value.

Have you ever heard
of New Music Fridays on Spotify?

No.
Of course I've heard of it. Everyone's...

That's where we come in.
That's our job, the boring stuff,

to put you on that front page.

That would be useful.

- Yeah. That's what you need them for.
- A label is about cross-pollination.

It's about collaboration.

Right. And you haven't worked
with any other rappers, right?

It's not easy to just
work with other rappers.

- I'm not best friends with these guys.
- Yeah, but we can make it easy for you.

We open doors, dude.
That's what we do here.

We'll be your whores,
you leverage that.

My whores?

- Whores.
- For you.

It's a metaphorical whore, like, I don't
mean that romantically in any way.

- Yeah, absolutely.
- I don't think she took it sexistly.

- And I didn't take it heterosexistly.
- I've seen a lot of male whores.

And you won't even attempt to put
a finger on the creative in any way?

- No.
- Yeah.

That being said, I wouldn't mind setting
you up with Benny Blanco.

He's a superproducer pal
of ours.

Every pop hit you see on Billboard,
that's Benny.

- This guy is an out-and-out genius.
- What are you doing? Sit down.

What are you doing?

Not-on-the-same-page alert going
off right now, guys. Sorry.

- What's the issue?
- I don't make pop music.

I'm a rapper. I hate pop music.

Why would I want to work
with a pop producer?

Benny doesn't just work
with pop singers.

He also works with rappers. He actually
just worked on a song with Swae Lee.

- He just did Kanye.
- He works with Kanye?

Sign me up. I'll do anything this man says
if he worked with Kanye.

Cool.

You know, guys,
in the beginning of this meeting,

I was actually
considering taking this glass

and just hurling it
through the window.

Why would you tell them that?
That's...

Just to set the tone.

- But now, you have me listening.
- We will take that meeting.

Somebody lay me down,
pour buttermilk all over me,

dust me in a light dusting of corn flakes,
front-flip me into a deep fryer,

spit on my asshole,
flip me back around,

shove wasabi up my dickhole,
put fucking sashimi all over me,

light me on fire, gently... blow me off
and lick down like my body's a maze

till you get to the bottom,
right about there,

and I want you to suck me,
right now.

What's up, man? Benny Blanco.

Great spot.

Nice decor.
Nice ambience in here.

Thanks, man. Shit. I'm just finishing
a session, okay? So just like...

Okay. Wait a minute.
Why is my song... This is my song.

Dicky. Hey, bro.
I'm just watching your video.

- It's actually sick, dude.
- Oh, my God.

Yeah. Hey. How are you?

- No, I'm so good. Yeah.
- Good, good.

Best I've ever been in my life,
I think.

I got to roll.
You're gonna come tonight, right?

- Yeah, of course, man.
- Cool.

Party, tonight.
Come to my house.

- Your house party?
- Yeah. My house party. Come on, hang.

Let me think about what I had going on,
and I've thought about it. There's nothing.

- Nothing?
- Yeah, I was actually just gonna PIBE.

- PIBE?
- Yeah, PIBE. Play It By Ear.

It's a new acronym that I'm trying
to get off the ground.

- It's got no legs yet.
- Nothing.

If you pushed it,
who knows, but...

And by the way, my girlfriend
is your biggest fan.

- She's obsessed.
- Biggest fan.

Yeah, I never heard that before.
No, I'm just...

Real good idea, man.
You got anything else?

He's probably gonna remember
this the rest of his life.

- I got to roll...
- Absolutely.

...but yeah, tonight,
you should come.

- I'll come.
- Yeah. Cool, cool. All right. Yep.

- Cool.
- Yep. We'll see ya.

- Peace, man.
- Yeah. Biebs out. I'm just kidding.

I don't actually say that.
I'm pretty normal. All right.

Yeah. I'm a normal guy, too,
if you want to chill, or...

- All right. Bye, Benny!
- All right, peace!

You could be as big as him,
like, very easily.

Yes.
I've always thought that.

Look, the one problem is,
your music currently sucks, it's terrible.

Okay. I think your music sucks.

You make shitty pop music
for 14-year-old girls.

Yeah. How many number ones
do you have again?

Number ones?
Like, what does that even mean?

Like, who can define
what a number one is?

Oh, man, there's a small company
down the street, it's called Billboard.

How many Billboard number ones
do you have?

I don't check this publication,
but I know the answer is none.

- Yeah, the answer is none.
- Why? How many do you have?

I stopped counting at, like,
20 or something.

- Right.
- Yeah.

All right, this is depressing.
Just, like... play me some of your music.

Like, unreleased music?

Yeah, man. I want to
hear some unreleased music.

You have, like, two songs out.

Okay. This is just one
of the many that I'm...

My flow is crazy,
I don't spit nothin' basic

For example, I could be like,
ain't nobody

Fuckin' with Lil Dickey
when they get up on the shit

And spit it really ridiculous, rippin'
the shit like it's never been did...

All right, stop right here.
Like, why are you, like...

Like, what
are you trying to prove?

I'm trying to show
that I'm a great rapper.

Dude, it's, like, verbal diarrhea.

I'm just getting pounded with information
over and over again to my head.

We only listened
to part of it, but...

By the way, who makes these beats?
They're so white.

My friend from overnight camp
makes my beats. And he's black.

Babe.

Hi. I need to go get some coffee.
Do you want anything?

No, I'm okay.
You want anything, Dave?

No, I'm...

I'm good.

I know what you're thinking.

How's a guy like André the Giant
meets Danny DeVito pull a girl like this?

I truthfully was wondering that.

My features are so grotesque, I'm like
a science experiment gone wrong.

And it's just, like, I don't know, I shot
out the other side, and now I'm hot.

Shut up. I don't know why you say
these things. You're not ugly.

You guys actually
kind of look like brothers.

- That's 'cause we're both Jewish.
- Jewish.

Right.

That's right, Justin Bieber invited me
to a party tonight.

Gonna go.
Yeah.

I told you that meeting was
a good idea, Dave.

You sure did. You were right.
When you're right, you're right, Mike.

Yes, I was.
I'm gonna go get the good tongs.

You do get the good tongs.
I like when you get them.

I get to meet Justin Bieber
tonight?

Oh, my God, do you think
the Kardashians will be there?

I don't think I can bring
anybody to this thing.

- What?
- I shouldn't bring somebody.

You can't bring people
to a party?

I'm sure I could,
but I don't know that I can,

and I don't want
to hit him up and ask,

'cause it's the whole, I don't know,
the etiquette, so I'm gonna play it safe.

The last thing I want to do
is go to a party at Bieber's.

Reverse psychology.

- Okay. I'll consider it.
- Hey, bro-bro.

- What's up?
- I ain't trying to go, either, my nigga.

Big facts. That's a...
You're not going.

Can you at least do me the favor of giving
just every single detail about him?

Please tell me exactly
what he smells like.

Okay, hold on,
let me just go back...

I'm there. Citrus.
Smells like citrus.

Jawline chiseled. It's jutting.
It's, like, he's Tom Cruise-ian.

It's exactly what you read about.
The ink pops off this guy's body.

He looks like
high-end wallpaper in person.

- Bro, who cares about Justin Bieber?
- Everybody on the planet.

You know who I care about?
Benny Blanco.

So, tell me about
the LeBron James of production.

- He did talk about your beats.
- You see? Hold on.

Let me bask in my greatness.

And he said, "Who made your beats?
They suck and are too white."

I'm telling you what he said.
He said they were too white.

He said I suck, too, so...

He said you suck for not bringing your
girlfriend to the party of her dreams?

- Is that what he said?
- I'm there to network.

I got this meeting from a label.

Actually, I decided I kind of
don't really care about it,

because I have some totally chill
really cool plans with my friend Elz.

We're gonna go see
the Pats-Birds at a bar, so...

You're gonna go watch that at a bar?
It's nationally televised.

Why would you choose to surround
yourself with everybody vying for a seat

and the sound coming all over the place,
no real clarity on, like...

Why are you so passionate
about the least important things?

You know what? I'm sorry.
Take a step back.

I'm used to talking to Justin
a certain way.

I got to re-center myself... I'm around
my old group of friends... recalibrate.

Never mind. Do what you want to do.
Have fun at the sports bar.

All right. These steaks
are almost done, kids.

Shit. I almost forgot.
I got some salmon over here, bro.

Fresh out the Atlantic.

- Salmon?
- Yeah, salmon, bro.

You had salmon in your backpack?

It's gonna be, like, really...
a dream.

What's up, bro, you gonna cook
this shit for me or not?

I cannot do that. I'm not putting
backpack salmon on my grill.

This shit don't expire
for another couple days, it say.

Gata, okay, I'm sorry,
I'm not doing that, all right?

Why don't you guys
come over here,

have some homemade ice tea
from yours truly, okay?

What the fuck?
Y'all got a hole through the table?

Yeah. It's for milking.
And we're not happy about it, are we?

Fuck!

Bro, can you believe that this guy
Benny Blanco says my beats are white?

Tell that to my mom and dad,
you know what I mean?

Can I ask you something?

Do you think Dave is gonna be
as big as he thinks he is?

He's either gonna be
the way he says he is

and he's gonna be
the biggest star in the world,

or he's not, and he's gonna be some
sad Jewish kid crying everywhere we go.

Touchdown!

Justin, how do you take
your mind off being an artist?

'Cause, you know, I find... Oh, me?
I hoop, I grill chicken, guy stuff.

Leo, I would not go
in that bathroom.

Renée Zellweger just, I think she shit
her pants, to be honest, brother.

Yes, Key & Peele, it is very common
for hair to go all the way up a guy's shaft.

I'm surprised
you did not know that.

LeBron, are you on Propecia?
I am.

Ri-Ri! What's up, girl?
What are you doing?

You want to go to the Met Gala next year
and dress as wedge salads?

Emma Stone...
Beyoncé...

What's that, Shaq?
Timothée, I sawCall Me by Your Name,

and I actually got
a full-on boner in the theater.

And I'm not even gay.
It's such good acting.

Really good sexual energy,
brother.

Elon, what is your ethnic background?
You Korean, man?

Tom Clancy, I don't read,
but, you know, people love ya.

Mr. Chang, by the end of tonight I need
a commitment that I can call you P.F.

What do you say?
I'll bet you a plate of lo mein.

Justin, man-to-man,
what's your boner life?

Mr. Spacey...
you should go.

Hey, Dave!

Hey!

Somebody lay me down,
sous vide me in my own juices,

light up a hibachi grill,

put a little bit of my breast
into a pepper mill,

pepper me with my own tits,
and suck me.

- What's up, man?
- Hey, man.

I'm gonna come down to you. Just meet
me behind the fourth Ping-Pong table.

All right.

Hey, man, nice coat. I didn't realize
you were in The Temptations.

This house is so cool.

I feel like Bieber probably
kissed women in every crevice of it.

Dude, this house sucks. Look at the art.
He doesn't even own it.

- Universal pays for the whole thing.
- Moving.

Speaking of Universal, how...

I'm trying to decide if I
should sign with a label or not.

- Do you have any, like, advice there?
- Look, there are pros and cons.

- It just depends on the artist.
- I'm the artist, man.

I'm obviously asking
for that reason.

Like, I'd love to get
into the minutiae with you.

Yeah, man, I think I saw
a few outlets over there

where we could plug in
some computers

and do a little
PowerPoint presentation.

Should I have brought Justin,
like, a bottle of wine?

- I don't know the etiquette.
- A bottle of wine?

He's sober, he's a man of Christ.
Plus, he's not even gonna be here.

What do you mean he's not
gonna be here? It's his party.

Half the time he doesn't
even come to these things.

Sometimes he just goes out
on a whim

and gets a jet and goes
to Peru or Vegas or something.

And then, sometimes he doesn't want
to come and get pictures taken

with, like, nine million people
he doesn't know.

- Babe?
- That's so sad.

Hi.

What do you mean?
That's gonna be you.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- I love this jacket.
- Yeah?

He was giving me shit for it,
but he's got no taste.

There's a bunch of really
pretty girls here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm a taken man. So I got a girlfriend.
But I'll observe, sure.

You have a...
Why didn't you bring her?

I didn't know, like, the situation
in terms of, like, bringing people.

I didn't want to hit you and be like,
"Yo, I got to bring friends."

It's kind of our first foray into the R.W.
Real world.

- Do you want to go to the weed bar?
- Yeah.

- All right, I'll see you in a bit, bud.
- I blow gas.

Okay, can we...
Here's the new plan.

- Can we get browned out tonight?
- Yes, ma'am.

- Yes!
- What do you want?

- Surprise me.
- Okay.

Yo, Belichick.
How you like that shit?

I'm Belichick?

I'm Tom Brady. Belichick wouldn't
even be in a jersey, so...

Probably more of a hoodie guy.

Yeah, a hoodie, and he would cut off
the sleeves like a badass.

- So...
- Holy shit.

- You actually know about sports?
- Oh, my God, that's so crazy, right?

- It's insane.
-Yeah. How not typical of a girl.

No, I know, normally they'll say
the pink hat stuff, you know what I mean?

- But you, like, totally know what's up.
- Yeah, I totally know what's up.

- This is amazing.
- Yeah. You seem like you're the worst.

I'm confused.

'Cause you were being super cool and
now you're being a huge bitch.

Did I miss something somewhere?

Yeah, you missed the part where
you were just a full-blown douchebag.

I see where this is going. Do we have
a soapbox we can get for you?

You gonna get up and tell me
how much men suck,

is that what's gonna happen here?

No, I don't want to tell you anything.
I don't want to talk to you.

Yeah, no, it's totally cool though. Yeah,
you just keep being the way you are.

- Two new deflated balls. Fuck you...
- And the Patriots!

- And the Patriots.
- Oh, my God!

That's what I'm talking about.
Chest bump, baby!

- Let's go!
- Let's go!

- Oh, my God.
- I want to key his car.

- Douches.
- Douches.

Oh, God.

Do the whole thing.
Don't be a bitch.

- I would definitely have another baby.
- Really?

When I pulled Mason
out of my vagina,

I had this maternal obligation
to do the same with my other two kids.

- Giving birth is so gnarly.
- No, it's such a good experience.

- It's actually really fun.
- I wish I could give birth.

Nothing is... Like, think,
you have, like, an orb in your...

Yeah.
It's not an orb.

Obviously, it must suck

in terms of the vagina being
just ripped open or whatever.

But to, like, carry life and...
Think about, like, a pregnant woman.

All the mass.

A man actually gave birth.
You could do it.

- What?
- It was a few years ago.

- It was onOprah.
- Oprah?

- I feel like CNN would've had that story...
- No, I think it was everywhere.

I think it was
on magazine covers...

Any screen in the world
would've been like, "Breaking news!"

Like, "everything's
different now."

- You would've...
- Fuck you, I'm googling it.

Yeah, google it,
google "man gives birth."

It should pop up
all over the place.

- "Man... gives birth."
- Yeah, a man gave birth.

- No.
- A man gave birth, 100%.

- No!
- 2007.

- 2007, what? There's no way.
- A trans man.

- "A trans man"?
- A transgender person.

Transgender, well...
And by the way, I'm totally...

aware that you have
transgender family,

and I mean nothing by it, but
for the sake of this argument,

I cannot give birth.

- You cannot give birth, so...
- And that was the root of the...

It was like me saying,
"I want to give birth."

- So I'll let you have this.
- Thanks, Kourtney Kardashian.

Yeah, I know your full name.

Don't know your middle name
or if you have one or...

- Nice to meet you.
- Dave.

- My middle name is Mary.
- Let me ask you this.

What's it like
for your entire family

to be the most famous people
in the world at once together?

I would rather do it with my entire family
than do it alone.

Right...
Poignant.

And by the way, if I could give birth,

I'd pull it right out of my asshole,
same way you do.

Hey, Dave! Look who I just found
trying to get in using my name.

- What the fuck?
- What's up?

- Why are you guys here?
- Justin Bieber's birthday party!

They used your name?

Is your grandma's
aunt's uncles coming?

Should I alert
some people at the door?

I could text them
right now if you want.

- I'm sorry, I did not...
- Wait, he told me what you said.

Oh, yeah.
He's the guy that makes my beats.

Okay, okay.
Honestly, your beats, they suck.

You just crushed
my fucking dreams.

If you have great beats,
why don't you send them to me?

I don't got your
fucking number, nigga.

I'll give it to you right now.

Oh, my God, you look like
a mountain I want to climb.

- He doesn't even look drunk, man.
- Oh, my God.

He's gonna be a problem.

Where the fuck did you get that?

The fridge.
They got some good shit in that fridge.

The fridge, what are you... That could be
eight days old or something.

This is seafood.
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Eight days? That's...

Okay, don't...
I know what you're gonna say.

He was determined
and very fucked up.

So I didn't want him to come alone
and to be completely embarrassing...

I'm sorry. I should've invited you here
in the first place.

It's so stupid I give a fuck
about what Justin Bieber thinks?

- I can't ask for a plus-one?
- Wait, really?

I love you, I should only care about
what the love of my life thinks.

- Really?!
- Yeah, I love you.

- I love you.
- This is so...

- It's great to have you here.
- ...surprisingly good of you.

- Get used to it, Tootsie Pop.
- Is... where is he?

- Justin?
- Yeah.

I don't even think he's here,
to be honest...

Just wanted to say bye.

- It was so nice to meet you.
- You, too.

- Bye. Take care.
- Bye! You're the best.

Thank you, Kourt.

- You're a good sport.
- Bye.

So I just want you to know
I'm the first to admit it.

I'm sorry.
What just... what?

- Oh, yeah.
- What just happened?

- Kourt?
- Did you see what she...

- Kourt?!
- Kourt, yeah.

- We got in an argument that I won.
- I heard her vocal fry in my own ears.

- Her vocal fry?
- And I looked at her beautiful skin.

What did she say?
What did she say exactly?

She said, well, I think she said
to me, "You're the best."

Oh, my God!

Excuse me,
fucking cutie pie coming through.

Oh, fuck! It's fucking Marshmello.
Man, look at you.

Look at me, guys,
I'm Marshmello!

So what are you gonna do about it then?
Wait, you're a table!

- Do you talk?!
- He's fully blacked out.

Are you a robot?
Hey, man, come on.

We're at somebody's fucking birthday
party, bro, take the fucking mask off.

- Be a normal guy for one night, okay?
- Do we stop him?

You fucking ugly bitch.

Oh, my fucking God!
Fucking God!

I'll have to call you tomorrow
or something.

Fuck! Bro, what is wrong
with you, man?! What the fuck?!