All language subtitles for Dave.S01E02.Daves.First.1080p.HMAX.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

There's just so many
different options.

Of course, bro.
And you deserve it all.

What kind of shampoo do you use?

Not none of this.
My shit is natural, bro.

Like, my cousin make
my shit from scratch.

Are you saying black people don't buy
products from stores like this?

I'm not saying that at all, bro.

But what I'm saying is,
there's way too many chemicals

on these shelves
for my natural dreadlocks.

But you look like
a Head & Shoulders type of dude.

Like, uh... 'cause dandruff?

I have visible dandruff?

Hey. Y'all need something unlocked?

Uh, no, actually.
I'm just wondering about

this three-in-one
body wash-shampoo-conditioner.

I don't really see a world
where a single product

can do all three
of those tasks at once.

You should only hit the button
if you need something unlocked.

Really?
It says "Push button for help."

-Just help.
-Y'all got Wi-Fi here, bro?

-Nah.
-No Wi-Fi?

Maybe a body wash
could work as a shampoo,

but there's no way that a body wash
can somehow turn into a conditioner.

Like, one item can't be
something that it's not.

A nail can't be, like, a shoe.

You crazy, bro. I used to wash my hair
with a bar of soap like a barbarian.

Got my shit straight,
like, real clean.

-Soap on the head?
-Come on, bro. A bar of soap.

Smaller than a Tic Tac, bro.

-That shit was clean, bro.
-Okay.

I'll be at the counter. if you need me,
you know how to get me.

-Thanks a lot for the help, Jesús.
-It's Jesus.

Hey.
I found the perfect acne regime.

We're not getting out of that tub until
we totally rid your back of the bacne.

-Tonight, we scrub.
-Hold on.

-Y'all take baths together?
-Yeah.

When I carve out the time
from work. It is hard.

-But it is my favorite part of the week.
-Mine, too.

Yeah. It's a great time.

Oh, I got to go get me something
to drink. That's too much.

-Where is he going?
-He's going to get something to drink.

-Yeah, I want to get a razor.
-Yes?

Listen, man...

You need me and I need you.

Almost there.

No, stop, you are killing me. Ugh.

Why? Because I am not
biodegradable

and contribute to landfill?

Yes. Don't flush so much,
don't flush so much,

don't flush so much,
don't flush so much!

Too early.

Save the Earth.

I'm so happy you came.

Thank you for having me,
Muhammad Ali.

They were so good, right?

-Uh, yeah.
-Dave.

No, like, I just have no context here.
I've never seen anything like that.

I don't know what
a rival school would've done

with the same platform, and...

Um, but I loved
your directorial style.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I love how you loose you keep it,
and how you let them just...

-Loose?
-I'm saying I enjoyed it. It was fun.

Dave, what are you talking about?
Can you be normal for two...

Hey. Sorry to interrupt.

Um, so just heard that
we're closing in on Friday

for John Levan's memorial.

That's the kid that died?
Yeah. Very terrible.

The cops have no leads at all?

He wasn't murdered, Dave.

I'm just saying, it's...
they haven't solved it, so...

-They don't...
-So, hey, this is weird,

but John was a big Lil Dicky fan.

That's awesome. Or... Yeah.

Yeah, so, his parents are here,
and they asked to meet you.

Oh, okay.
All right. What do I say?

Just say hi. It's not a big deal.

-Right?
-Okay. Yeah, no. No big deal.

I mean, you should
acknowledge their loss.

Without saying,
"Sorry for your loss,"

'cause I'm sure they're, like,
totally sick of hearing that.

Maybe just don't
talk about it at all.

But let them know that you know
by being somber?

But nice.

Okay. I'm just...
That's so much to think about.

I'm just gonna say hi and, like,
let them steer the conversation.

Okay. Godspeed.

Hi.
Dave. Nice to meet you.

-Craig.
-Pam. Nice to meet you.

-How are you?
-Oh, and this is Zack.

Hey, Zack. Is this
Daniel Day-Lewis right here?

How you doing, kid?
You were great.

-All right, see you later, bud.
-We're gonna save you, Earth.

Wow. He was good.

-So...
-Thank you.

...John just loved you.

Oh, thank you so much, or thank him.

I mean, really, you were
one of his favorite rappers.

Yeah. He loved guys like you
and Macklemore and...

You know, all those kinds of guys.

Yeah. Macklemore.

You know, we weren't gonna ask,
but we would just love it

if you would perform a song
about John at his memorial.

Oh. Uh, sure.

-Thank you, Dave.
-Oh, that'd be amazing.

Oh, my gosh. Come here.
That would mean the world to us.

-Yeah.
-Thank you.

And you said about John.

Okay, a song about...
'cause I don't... you know,

I've never met him.
I don't know much about him.

If you just give me your e-mail,
I can shoot over some thoughts.

-Yes.
-Like, factoids about...

-Yeah, that would help. Okay.
-Exactly.

Uh, it's DonCheadlesDriveway
@lildicky2.com.

I know it's complex.
I do it 'cause hackers.

And I hate to break this to you,

but I've actually never
performed live before, so...

-No, we don't care.
-No, we don't...

-That's even probably better.
-Yeah.

And you guys have
seen my stuff, right?

Because, like, it's pretty racy

and, like, has this comedic tone
to it that I think

could be pretty ill-fitting for...

Do what you do, sweetheart.
Make it funny and heartfelt.

-Okay.
-And cool.

-Yeah.
-Sure.

I am a professional. I do have
a slow process typically,

but I will try
to turn something around.

-Let's get, uh... Come on.
-Yeah.

-Okay. Yeah.
-Thank you. Oh, thank you so much.

DAVE: It's just not my vision
for my first performance ever.

Okay, well, maybe, then,
it's just the kick in the butt

you need to get it over with.

I haven't needed a kick in the butt.

I've been being very strategic
about when to perform live.

And, like, the moment.

Okay, well, at least
it's a good deed,

and good things come
to people who do good deeds.

-Yo.
-Oh, my God.

-Don't sneak up on me like that.
-Sorry, Emma.

I have to catch you up
on what just happened to me

at Ally's little play thing, okay?

I'm now being forced to perform
for the first time

at a dead kid's funeral.

I like the sound of all of this.

Okay, he went to my school

and was apparently
a really big fan of Dave's.

And I appreciate that,
and I totally understand

that a kid is dead. I get that.

But the nature in which
his parents asked

just lacked
all social awareness, you know?

They're not even like,
"What are you doing?

Are you free this weekend?"

If human beings
don't have manners,

we're, like, wild animals.
You know what I mean? Like...

Then what separates man from geese?

Yeah, I feel like they probably
had a lot on their plate.

This just sucks. I don't know
how else to say it. This sucks.

I think one of the reasons
I'm so riled up is, 'cause,

like, I'm just so sick of being
compared to Macklemore

-at every moment, and that's...
-Dave, people love Macklemore.

Emma, am I anything like Macklemore?

-Never met him.
-Well, I'm nothing like him.

-Couldn't be less like him.
-Couldn't...

You're a snowflake,
and I'm gonna take a shower.

"Spotify related artists: Lil Dicky,
Macklemore..."

-"Lonely Island, G-Eazy..."
-I know. I know.

I've seen it. I've-I see it
every day a hundred times.

I've written so many e-mails about it.

It's the most annoying...
It's unprofessional.

I should be categorized with,
like, Young Thug and Kanye.

Your rap name is literally
a small penis joke.

It's actually a super intellectual
commentary on hypermasculinity.

-Your first single was "My Dick Sucks."
-First off, it was very successful.

Second off, it had to be overt

'cause it's my first content
that I'm putting out.

I had to be very kind of
on the nose with it.

Oh, I hope you don't
mistake my questions

for me actually caring.

Well, that was rude.

All right, slug, I'm going to bed.
Good night.

No. No, like...
it's, like, too urban.

Too urban? What are you, a politician
describing black people? Fuck you.

-Please keep going.
-So... Okay.

This is interesting 'cause it's sad,
but it's like, I think, is it too sad?

-I thought the goal was sad here.
-Here's what I don't want:

I don't want people up there sobbing;

I don't want people, like,
cackling laughing;

but I want people, like,
looking, kind of smiling,

with, like, that tinge of sadness,
and a drizzle of, like, uplifting,

but then, at the same time,
like, everybody's fucking.

It also needs to be funny, because
it's my first public-facing thing

as Lil Dicky, and I need to,
like, have it be

totally on-brand and...
it's quite a challenge,

I'm not saying it's not a challenge, but
that's why me and you are me and you.

Keep going.

Oh, I didn't know you made music
for insects, man.

Fuck you.

Hold on, wait. Go back to the one
you just played one ago, please.

I know you like a beat when your mouth
stays open for that long...

Dude, this is perfect.
This is, like, ideal.

It's ideal if he got hit
by a fucking party bus,

but I don't think he did, so...

Yeah, but listen, 'cause
it's obviously, like, turnt,

but like if... there,
that emotional... there's that,

like, that piano thing is like, so sad,
but, uh, like, uplifting.

This is the one.
I love this one.

Beam me up, Scotty, I'm going in there,
and I'm gonna make dreams come true.

-Please don't kick the chairs.
-I didn't kick it.

You have chairs
in the middle of a room.

You need to wear glasses
like you used to.

-You were a lot cuter then.
-Turn the mic on.

What?!

Or... This... Or lighters in the sky?

No lighters, brother.
Ten-year-old kids.

-Good point.
-At a funeral.

This is the worst I've ever
heard in my fucking life.

How do I make this,
how do I make this song, John?

Excellent. Gata's here.
Perfect timing.

Bro, why do you always
invite this man?

He's incredibly inspiring,

and makes me feel like
my truest rapper self.

-Why is that?
-'Cause he's, like, cool.

-Just cool?
-Yeah. What do you... Yeah. Very cool,

-and, like, he's... it's, like, he's...
-Black?

-He's, like, black, maybe?
-You're black.

And you don't do nearly what Gata
does for me in this regard.

-How do I make you feel, then?
-Like a burden or a nuisance.

Fine, we're getting food
without you, then.

His dad sent me an e-mail,
but the format's so weird,

I tried to pull it off of
my phone, I can't even read it.

Well, you know
cell phones is man-made, bro.

Come on, stop tripping,
and this cheesesteak,

this cheesesteak about to be bomb.

I hope so. I'm from Philly.
Better have the right bread in here.

-Hey, let me get a hot dog.
-A hot dog?

Yeah. Wait. Aren't you Lil Dicky?
Oh, come on, man.

-I just got put on to you.
-Great, welcome.

I saw what you did on YG's Instagram.

-Bro, you snapped.
-Fire.

-I mean, straight fire.
-Yes!

Yo, I didn't know you had
bars like that, bro.

-Yeah.
-Like, you like... a real rapper.

Yeah.

GATA: I know it's not
no Philly, but, hey.

What does he mean when he says,
"You're like a real rapper"?

Like, that's so insulting.

You think he'd ever tell Offset
that he's like a real rapper?

That nigga heart
would've dropped if Offset

walked in here bezeled out,
like with an AP on and shit.

How am I supposed to rap
at this kid's funeral?

-Do you believe in God, bro?
-I don't know.

You know, all I believe in
is that no one knows anything.

Like, I believe in sheer ignorance.

Anybody that claims
to know something,

it's, like, how could you?
You know, we're so clueless.

Of course you think that way,

'cause you privileged, bro.
You never had no hardships.

That's interesting. So you're
saying I didn't have to,

like, lean on religion, 'cause...

Yeah. You're not praying to your God.

Everything you ever wanted
just, just right there

fell into your lap, bro.

This is all... I mean,
this whole, it's all so weird.

Look around, like, what,
like what, is this even real?

-Like, like... do you...
-Whoo... what you 'bout to do?

I was about to touch your face,
but maybe I shouldn't have?

Have some faith, LD.
Whoever made this planet

is doing a great job to me, brah.

I don't know if it's God, Allah...

Allah Akbar, who's, who's Akbar?
Is that God's last name in Muslim?

I have no idea, but
"salaka salaam," my friend.

Thank you.

Bro, you gotta tear niggas' heads off
on the mic, period.

So that's like the hook.

I think I would end it...

And that's how
I intend on doing it.

So, that's it, you know.

What did you think?
Did you like it?

Just...

- It's...
- Yeah, I did.

You actually thought
it was the perfect thing

for this event or you loved it
because you're looking forward

to me humiliating myself?

-That I'm unsure of.
-Was it funny?

BOTH:
Yes.

-Yeah!
-Is it too funny?

-It's hard... to say.
-No.

I wish I had, like,
more of an understanding

of, like, the space and, like,
the logistics of the event, like,

where is the body,

like, how is this even,
like, from a layout perspective?

The body won't be there.

Then what the hell
are we even doing this for?

Is this the final... product
that we're seeing, or...?

Yes, it's the final product.
I'm doing it in, like, six hours.

-What do you...
-Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Like, imagine, like,
your whole life,

you have this vision of,
like, exactly how your dreams

are gonna come true and it's
just, like, poof, extinguished.

You've been waiting your whole life
to do that rap?

No. To do an alternative to that.

Oh.

-Should I make it longer?
-BOTH: No.

MIKE: This one's like bacne Pangea.
It's remarkable.

-Okay, how's that water?
-It's pretty good. Doctor.

Good, it's gonna activate
the medicine here.

I got to tell you, man,
this chemical balance

is just not working out for me.
I have to change up this formula,

because that 14%
didn't work from last month.

-I don't know why you write this down.
-Well, because it matters to me.

I'm trying to clear up this back, okay?
'Cause you're my baby boy.

-Progress would be so helpful.
-Have you been eating cheese?

-Yeah.
-David.

I've said it to you a million times,
I'm made of Parmigiano

-BOTH: John Leguizamo Reggiano.
-Yeah, I know, I know,

but you cannot do that. You're
gonna set our progress back.

-Hey, Dave.
-Yeah?

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

You ever had a night
like this, like this? Whoa.

Wow, that's a lot of seats
out here, man. Wow.

Yo, what do you think of this jacket?
It's my stage jacket.

-That shit is garbage.
-Really?

Yeah, bro.
That should be in the trash can.

Put it somewhere safe.

You having fun?

Who's having, uh...

Who's with me?

You look so good. Hi.

-I'm so stressed.
-I know.

But you're gonna be so good.

-You reckon?
-I reckon.

Hey, let's start talking
about movements.

-Right?
-Yeah.

So you'll stand right there
and I'll move to the car,

move the car to the house,
move into...

No, I'm serious.
Like, if you see me going like this...

-Get the fuck out of here.
-No, you...

You have to...
Yeah, with me or I look corny.

-What you trying to do, land a plane?
-You got to do it with me, or...

-Oh, my God.
-Yeah, so extension.

-Oh, this is weird. This is dark.
-It's not weird. Everyone does this.

-Feel like I'm at a Zumba class.
-And if you see me bouncing...

No, no, no, no, no.
That's a cornfield. Don't do that.

-Bounce.
-Everyone does this.

Yeah, and when they see you do it,
they're gonna stop

'cause that shit is not it.

Well, there's only so much you
can do to get it, like, hands moving.

-I wish I could be like, you know...
-You could also just say...

You could also just say,
"Hands up." Like everybody else.

But then you have
to have a, like, one hand up,

but you don't have to
rock back and forth.

You need to bounce to the beat.

You don't have to film everything.
Please stop.

-Stop filming.
-What is this for?

For your documentary.

For your court case
when you go to jail.

Oh, no. School's out.

I'm at a memorial.
I don't know. I never knew the kid.

Come on, man,
Charlie got a VIP tent.

Charlie got catering.
Charlie got Perrier. This is crazy.

You got something to say
on my live for Charlie, bro?

-It's John.
-Oh. Shit.

My bad, John. Tell Pac and Big
it's all good, but...

-Why are you both filming?
-I'm trying to get him on my thing, man.

I'm good. Why are you filming
him film? This is...

-We about to...
-Do you think people are gonna dance?

I'm gonna be.

Okay, so I need to go out there,
wait for my cue,

the screen will come down,
and then you put the graphic up,

but just, like, make sure
to wait for my cue.

Show me the graphic
real quick, actually.

-What?
-It's not on this laptop.

I've looked at everything.
It's not on this laptop.

The graphic's not on that laptop?

-The graphic is not on this laptop.
-I asked you to bring the graphic.

Why would you not have it
on that laptop?

-Well, bro, I...
-You had two jobs, dude.

It was to press play
and bring the graphic.

Please don't fucking forget
to press play.

Yo, he lost his fucking mind.

MIKE:
Yo.

-'Sup?
-What's wrong?

I just can't believe this is the setting
for my first live performance.

-So don't think of it like that.
-How could I not?

Because this isn't about you.

I mean, stop whining.
Dave, look at them.

You can do a million shows
to make up for this one.

They can't make up for the fact
that their son is gone.

-Very true.
-Yeah.

You write goofy raps, you
make people laugh. They need it.

They're sad right now, they're hurt.

I can't believe you don't see
the beautiful irony in this whole thing.

Well, that speech
just gave me goose bumps.

-You got the tingles?
-Yeah, that was good. You're right.

-Good. Good.
-Well said.

Now Daddy needs
to go feel some tingles,

-so I'm gonna go do drugs in the car.
-Drugs?

As many as I've got.
You're gonna do great.

-Okay.
-Hey. Hey, Dave.

-Hi.How are you doing?
-Well, all right.

I just want to,
I want to thank you so much.

-Of course.
-You have no idea

how much this means
to our family.

I just, I know John
would've been so,

he would've been so happy
to see you. Thank you.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

I appreciate that.

-Thank you so much.
-I'm gonna make him proud.

Thank you. Thanks.

EMCEE: Thank you,
everyone, for coming.

It means so much to the Levan family
to see all of John's friends out here.

And now, to help us...

You about to get this shit lit, boy.

CRAIG:
John just loved you.

PAM: Do what you do, sweetheart.
Make it funny and-and heartfelt.

-CRAIG: And cool.
-ALLY: You're gonna be so good.

ELZ: This is the worst I've
ever heard in my fucking life.

EMMA: Your rap name is
literally a small penis joke.

-MIKE: They're sad right now.
-GATA: Bro, you gotta tear

-niggas' heads off on the mic.
-CLERK: It's Jesus.

KID TOILET: Don't flush so
much, don't flush so much...

CHEESESTEAK CLERK:
You're like a real rapper.

PAM:
Oh, my gosh, it's Macklemore.

I am so sorry I'm late.

MACKLEMORE: I would not miss it,
and I am honored, seriously.

Aw, damn, we got Macklemore in the cut
like it ain't shit.

We going up, John.
Your memorial is lit.

The Wi-Fi is trash, though.
What's up with the service out here?

-Hey, uh, so Macklemore's here.
-Yeah.

We didn't expect him to come

and the city ordinance
only lets us go until 7:00.

Macklemore, how long's your set?

Whatever you guys want.
I got a ton of hits,

huge catalog, I'll go forever.

Uh...

I'm sorry, Dave. There's just
not enough time for you both.

I mean, hey, it's Macklemore.

-Yeah, sure.
-John had all his posters.

-Yeah.
-You know, he won a Grammy.

Okay, yeah. I just don't sell posters,
but... yet.

Yeah, absolutely.

Hey. How's it going?

-This mine?
-Um, yeah.

Thank you. Blessings, brother.

-You're the sound man?
-You know, actually...

Just make sure my shit is loud.
Please. Really loud on the monitors.

Thanks, bro.
What up, everybody?

How's everybody feeling?
Let's do this for John.

-Thank God.
-MACKLEMORE: He loved basketball,

he loved caterpillars,
and he loved you.

Now let's be so goddamn loud
in this place that he hears us

all the way up in heaven.

This is new.
Where'd you get this?

A thrift shop.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH