All language subtitles for Dave.S01E01.The.Gander.1080p.HMAX.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

My whole life I just wanted
to be a rapper

Then I grew'd up
and the boy became a rapper

And my older sister made me
wear the golden wrapper

She said, "Watch out, 'cause you know
The hos will trap ya."

Hello there.
I'm Dr. Mecklebaum.

-I'm Dave Burd. How are you?
-Good. Good to see you.

So, uh...
what brings you in today?

So, a few days ago
I was shaving,

and I noticed these red bumps
on my pubiscus...

-And I just wanted...
-Pubiscus?

That's probably
not the medical term for it.

Uh, like, where
your pubic hair would be

if you didn't shave it
all the way.

Oh, copy that. All right.
So, well, let's take a look.

Yes, and I know this
is gonna sound so absurd,

but before I can just
show you my penis,

I do have to kind of explain
a few things about it to you.

Okay.

I just have, like,
a very bizarre situation down...

okay, when I was born,

I came out of the womb
with a tangled urethra,

so immediately they had to go in
and do all types of surgery to it.

As a result, there's so much
scarring down there.

-Sure.
-And then, I mean,

you know how the skin
on your testicles

is a different type of skin
than the skin on your penis?

It's more...
chicken-skinned or ribbed.

Yeah?

So my dick skin
is actually made of

that exact same style
of ribbing.

All the way up my shaft... ribs.

So my theory is:
when they had to replace

the hacked-off dick skin,

they used my testicle skin
to replace it.

Which would mean that my dick

is made of balls.

I couldn't be more precious
about this information.

My own girlfriend doesn't know
anything about this

because I'm so good at
controlling the lighting and...

Well, if-if you're comfortable,

I'm-I'm more than happy
to take a look.

I had to explain that, 'cause I didn't
want you to look at it and be like...

-You know? Yeah.
-Yeah. Sure.

Okay.

Yeah.

Those look like
razor bumps to me.

Okay. I mean, but can't genital
herpes look like razor bumps?

Who's to say
that it's razor bumps?

I'm to say. It's my job.

Well, you should know
there's a very big disconnect

between the online
medical community

and the brick-and-mortar
establishments.

You mean... doctors.

While I have you here,
real quick,

I know this is a totally
different field of medicine.

I have all this acne on my back
that came out of nowhere...

-Yeah, not me.
-Cystic.

No, it's not me.

I just figured you must know
more than, like, the common man.

I could refer you to somebody.

-Not my field.
-Thank you.

-You're welcome, Dave.
-Hey, where do I pay?

- Hi, I'm Dave
- I'm Lil Dicky

- Hi, I'm Dave
- Who's Dave?

Hi, I'm Dave.

Oh.

Is this the right room?

Uh, is this Studio A?

The fuck is that smell, man?

Oh, man, this dude
always coming in here

-with this tuna fish shit.
-Okay, are we leaving?

I'm gonna be right back.

Why the fuck would you just walk
into a session like that?

You said "come anytime,"
those were your words.

Yeah, come by, kick it
in the lounge and, like,

I don't know, meet people, talk
to people, make connections.

Don't come into a fucking
studio session

with tuna fish.
It smells crazy.

Well, forgive me for not knowing
this incredibly specific rule.

-That's...
-Is that YG? Oh, my God.

Yep, that's YG.
They're coming.

Whup their ass when you see 'em,
straight like that.

-Yeah.
-What's up?

Studio smell like tuna, man.
This shit stank.

Fuck going on?

That's a scary group of men.

He had tattoos
on the creases of his neck.

I'm so scared. I don't know
if I'm supposed to speak

or not speak
when I'm spoken to or...

Doesn't sound like a very
collaborative setting to me.

Not at all.

Is there any window
for you to show them my video?

No. These gang members obviously
do not like dick jokes.

Know your audience, my dude.
I love you like a sister.

I have to leave.

-Text me.
-Nope.

My dick sucks,
my dick sucks.

Hold up.
Hold the fuck up.

Ain't you the YouTube rapper
with the small dick and all that?

-I've seen that video.
-Did you like it?

Yeah, that shit go hard.

You have no idea how happy
this makes me.

Like, I live my entire life

trying to impress people
of your... pedigree.

-I'm Dave.
-Ha, Dave, you a fool.

I'm Gata, like alligator.

I just rolled this chopstick.
You trying to smoke some weed?

Smoke weed?
Uh, do I want to smoke wee...?

I don't think...
No, no, thank you.

So you a rapper,
and you don't blow bud?

I didn't say that, I smoke.

I treat it like a glass of wine
at the end of the day.

If I smoked this early, I'd feel
like a total waste of life.

But did you see that YG's here?

Yeah, why you think I'm here? My nigga
Bino sell him tree all the time.

How would I go about
getting a rapper like YG

on one of my songs?
Because I feel like,

until I do that, no one's
gonna take me seriously.

Everyone's just gonna think
I'm a YouTube rapper.

Shit. It's all about the gander.

The gander?

The gander, nigga.
You got to wiggle,

set yourself up, make a play.
Right now you're in the studio,

all these rappers
in here popping,

and you talking about,
"Hi, my name is Dave."

Like, what the hell?
Like, you should be, like,

"What's up? It's Lil Dicky."
Like, own that shit, bro.

I do think it's gonna be
the biggest name

in hip-hop, honestly.
Lil Dicky.

Ride your own dick, man.

Can we get some food?
YG hungry.

Oh. I don't know why
you're asking me.

I don't work here.

I, uh... I'm Lil Dicky.

-Lil Dicky?
-Yes.

Can we get some food?
YG hungry.

Okay. I respect you, I just think
you're going about it all kind of wrong.

Hey, chill. Bro, there's a store
right around the corner.

We gonna bend the block
real fast

and get whatever you need.

Come on, man.
He look hot.

I hope these are
the right snacks, Gata.

Man, if you don't stop tripping,
I'm a real nigga.

If I tell you there's cheese on
the moon, bring your crackers, man.

You Gucci. You're gonna
go in there, show your face,

apply the gander, wiggle up.

How can this possibly
get me closer to a YG verse?

Check this out. I used to be
in Miami all the time,

at the Hit Factory. It's a studio.

I'm in there with my boys.
We chilling with some dudes

from New Orleans. You know
how they dress already, right?

-No.
-Big T-shirts, baggy jeans.

We're in a studio session
and Wayne walk in, bro.

-I'm in there dripping.
-Lil Wayne?

Weezy! What other Wayne
you know?

-Brady.
-I'm in there sauced down.

Skinny jeans, Cali swag,
all that... lip ring.

And they on my swag, bro.
Wayne like, "What you do?"

And I end up getting three songs
off the drip alone.

You have three songs
with Lil Wayne?

Yes, that's what I'm trying
to tell you.

They're on my laptop. They ain't never
came out, but you know how that go.

This is very useful information.
If I would've known all this,

I would've certainly
dressed differently today.

The swag ain't on you,
it's in you.

Like, what is that, peach?

They gonna fuck with that,
that's hard body.

You got a lot of heart
for wearing that color.

Well... great.

Do I just knock or what?
What do you think?

Yeah, just knock in
on that shit, man.

I feel like they're not
ever gonna...

Why are you wearing
your sunglasses inside?

Bro, you know I got
to drip, bro.

We're going to the studio
right now.

YG, you're about
to get a verse, okay?

-Should I walk in?
-Man, go in there, man.

Snack time. I...

Okay.

You're welcome.

I feel like that did nothing
for my career.

Bro, "snack time"?
Did you really just say

that corny-ass shit, bro?
What the fuck?

-Give me your phone, man.
-My phone? Why?

Listen, if you want to get
that verse from YG, bro,

you're gonna have to holler
at Nutti, man.

-Who is Nutti?
-Nutti.

That's YG manager.
I'm the plug, bro.

-I'm putting his number in your phone.
-This couldn't be more helpful.

So, what do I do? I text him
and say, "Hi, it's Lil Dicky..."

Yeah, he probably gonna want
some money for the verse.

Money? Okay.
Well, I'll figure that out.

You have to bring that bag.

I just saved mine, too, bro.
We got to get up, man.

Let me get you on my Gram, man.
If you don't mind.

Yeah. Okay, hold on,
let me think for a second.

You ready? Uh...

Early morning studio,
LD reporting for...

Nigga, this is just
a picture, bro.

Ugh, there's so much lettuce
on this.

No, I told them no lettuce.

Oh, he told me you made him
try a grape for the first time.

I did. But he did not like it.

He reported it was "too gushy."

-Who eats those things?
-Most people.

Are you gonna grade
papers right now?

Yeah.

I've told you how much
this fully turns me on, right?

-Yeah.
-I've expressed that?

-Wow.
-Yeah.

You want me to teach you?

-Everything that you know.
-You want me to

tell you when to nap
on your cot?

My dick wants to rip out
of its skin

and run laps
around the playground.

I don't know...
where to go with that.

You can go into Dave's room,
where this shit belongs.

I'm sorry.

-That's on me, coach.
-It's-it's easy.

Yeah. But every now
and then I just... I guess...

-I lose my grip on reality.
-Dave? Don't.

Really can't even
be tamed, stopped...

Don't do it.
Don't, I'm serious. Don't!

Okay. You sealed your fate.

I'm gonna finish
Handmaid's Tale without you.

-Stop.
-Yep, I will.

Girlfriend, what?
Get away from me, freak.

You gross me out.

-That's better.
-The assignment

is to draw what you want to be
when you grow up,

and nobody drew a day trader.

No? Did any of them draw
a kindergarten teacher?

- No.
- No.

I bet a lot of them said they wanted
to be a musical artist, right?

-A few.
-That was my dream growing up.

I think you're right. Some young,
bright, wet-behind-the-ears kid

that's like,
"I want to be an unemployed Jew

who pretends to be a rapper."

And then you're
the inspiration.

Or...

I'm a "once in
a generation" artist...

...who just got verified on Twitter
about, what, nine days ago?

I'm glad you feel good that a
robot told you you're worth it.

Actually, I'm gonna go
back there and just see

what's going on... tap in...
because I feel like

there's people all over trying to get
ahold of me, ask me questions.

-Do you want a hit of this?
-No.

Last time I got stoned, I talked to our
neighbor Gary for an hour about cement.

He calls it see-ment.

-I hate parent-teacher night.
-Mm.

Like, Jordan Beyers's parents
are riding me

about his reading comprehension,
but the kid literally eats sand.

Fistfuls of sand.

Every day of his life.

Holy moly.

What?

Huge turning point moment
in my career just occurred.

-What?
-I was in the studio

with YG today.

-YG?
-Yes.

Yes, I've heard of them.

It's one guy, it's not a group.

-Okay. Still cool.
-Yeah.

What was he like?
What did he say?

Well, we didn't really...

I mean, when you're
in the studio,

you don't really talk that much.
You just, like, vibe

-and listen to music.
-Okay.

But the really cool thing is,
his manager just texted me

and said that YG will get
on one of my songs.

Dave.

I'm very excited.

That's so cool.
Wait, what song?

-Uh, what song?
-Can I hear it?

You can hear it when it's done.
It's not done.

I know. I don't like having
too many cooks in the kitchen...

-But I won't cook. I'm just excited.
-Bless your soul.

No, though, 'cause I just,
you know... trust the process.

-Dave.
-What?

You always do this.

Do you realize
that I'm dating a rapper

who I've never heard
rap out loud?

Oh, my God,
will you rap for me?

Will you rap for me right now?
Oh, my God, rap for me.

Rap for me.
This is a kindergarten beatbox.

Throw down.

Look...

- I don't know.
- Please.

-Please.
-I'm sorry. I don't know.

No, it's my job.
I-I don't ask you to come home

and teach me things.

Oh, you just asked me
if pork was beef.

There are a lot of people that
don't know that distinction.

Okay, can I at least know
the name of the song?

"Girth."

Hello, my sweetheart.

-Hi, Mama. How are you?
-I'm good.

I texted Ally yesterday.
She hasn't texted me back.

-Hey, wait until we get into the car.
-I was just wondering...

-Don, I'm talking.
-I-I know...

-But it has to switch over.
-I was...

-Can you hear us?
-I can hear you.

I think he can hear us now.
Can you hear us?

I'm not gonna beat
around the bush.

I'm calling because I'm about
to access my bar mitzvah money

and I thought you should know.

-What?
-Oh, my God. What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.
Everything's great.

I'm actually getting, like,
a very big rapper

on one of my songs,
but to do that,

I have to pay him his fee,
which is $10,000 in this case.

$10,000?
Are you crazy?

David, you haven't made a single
dollar off of this and now you want...

How come we never talk
about the 15 million views

that I've gotten
in three months, Mom?

It's a huge accomplishment.
We never talk about that.

But why can't you profit
off those views?

Isn't there money
in the stream these days?

It's called the cloud, Don.

I can't profit off of it
because it's not my beat.

It's just a beat I stole online.

You stole it?
Wait a minute, what?

-Did you steal it?
-What did he steal?

He stole his...
his beat was stolen.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Guys, it's not at all
how it sounds.

It couldn't be more commonplace
in rap music for people

to jump on other people's beats.

You know, David,

who is this rapper that
you are paying $10,000 to?

YG.

YG? I'm gonna look this up.

Do you... do you have a pen?

Is it "Why, G?"
with a question mark?

Or the-the letters "Y-G"?

Google will answer
any question you have.

I have to go.
I love you both.

-Is it Korean? Like Wai Chi?
-I mean...

Guys, I'm leaving right now.
I'm hanging up.

-Okay, but is it Korean?
-Is he a Korean rapper?

Hello. Um, so I have
to wire $10,000

to a company called
Blood Gang Entertainment LLC.

Attention or whatever: Nutti.

Hold on, wait a minute.
Slow down.

So YG is getting on "Girth"?

Yeah.

Just sent him all the money.

-Is that your "Girth" dance?
-Totally official.

Yeah, it's my "Girth" dance.
We did it. We've done it.

You think that's a good idea?

It's probably the best idea I've ever
had. It's a complete no-brainer.

Oh, my...

It's my boss.

Dude, the market's been closed
for an hour now.

I don't get any time off.

Bring him everywhere, please.

Like, he's a delight
to have around.

Honestly, you will like him,
he's just high-strung right now

'cause of his work.
He's a really good person.

So you think YG,

which stands for
"Young Gangster,"

is going to get on a song rapping
about the girth of his dick?

I got a seven, dude.

"Girth" has so many applications.
What do you mean?

The girth of his
girlfriend's breasts.

The girth of his home...
I bet it's a huge home.

No. Well, why can't you just rap
about normal things, like,

I don't know,
getting head in the club

and, like, having orgies
with your friends.

Oh, yeah, I'll rap
about having orgies.

I'll sound like the biggest
loser on planet Earth.

You could always rap about,
like, the struggles

of a young Jewish man.

You're gonna make fun of me
'cause I have no struggles?

I literally met you at overnight camp,
your father is a dentist.

And I'm not a rapper.
I'm a sound engineer.

You're not gonna trick YG into rapping
about the girthness of his dick.

-There's no trick here.
-He's a businessman, bro.

He sells shit at Barneys.
He's not an idiot.

You know, I read the other day
that YG is actually vegan.

Which shocked me. I would have expected
that guy to be fully carnivorous.

Can you please knock
when you walk in here?

Did you tweet this?

"Just got head." Yeah.

Are you fucking kidding me?

-What?
-Dave, my mom just called

and asked why you're telling
everyone on Twitter

that I gave you head.

Well, I didn't say that
Ally Wernick gave me head.

I was very nonspecific.
It just said, "Just got head."

Oh, cool. Um, so who's
giving you head, then?

Nobody, Al. It's fictitious
head. It's a joke.

I'm happy to jump on the phone
with your mom

and explain how Twitter works

and how everything that's tweeted
isn't a real thing necessarily.

Oh, it's a very real thing

that my very real principal
at my real job can read.

You guys need to stop
thinking about this

like it's Dave Burd's Twitter.
This is Lil Dicky tweeting.

They are
totally different things.

Okay, then explain to me
the difference, just so we're clear.

Dave Burd takes your feelings
into account

at every waking moment.

Lil Dicky, on the other hand,
can never do that.

I'm sorry. I can't worry
about what my girlfriend

and her kindergarten class
are gonna think

as I rap lyrics about, like,

69-ing a girl on her period.

I mean,
that's a terrible example.

But think of me as, like,
a corporation.

Like, when Wendy's tweets,
for example,

I don't think anybody thinks
that it's actually Wendy.

No! Because Wendy
is not a real person.

Okay? And-and Wendy's
isn't tweeting

that Wendy sucked
Dave Thomas's dick.

Wendy is a real person,
it's Dave Thomas's daughter.

-You're not gonna want to hear that...
-Oh, my God.

I don't want my mom
knowing that I give you head.

You can wrap your brain
around that.

Your mom knows you give me head.

Everybody's giving
everybody head at our age.

-I didn't give you head!
-I know, Al!

That's my... you're making
my point for me.

I don't even know what
we're talking about here!

I wired YG's manager
$10,000 today.

I didn't tell you that yet.

And as soon as I did that,

he stopped responding to all
of my text messages, so...

-$10,000?
-Yep.

I have no idea where the money is.
I don't even know who this guy is

or even if he's a real person.
I've never met him.

You've never met him?

No. All I know about him
is that his name is Nutti.

Oh, Dave.

Al, I'm sorry
for being an asshole.

I should never have said that.

But I love you so much.
You're my moon, you're my rock,

you're my favorite person
in the world.

Tied with my parents.

But I'm a wreck right now.

I've never been more stressed
in my life.

Before you came,
I was actually crying.

-You were crying?
-Yes.

Do you want a belly rub?

Really? Yes.

Oh, my God.

I'm putting the weight
of the world on you.

It's on me.
I need to get it off me.

So let me get this straight.

There were absolutely
no contracts at all?

No, there's no contracts

at this phase... it's laughable
you'd even suggest such a thing.

Stupid guy over here.
I just work with people

on Wall Street all the time.
I don't know about money

or business
or any of that kind of stuff.

It's a totally different world.
What are you talking about?

Did you ever think for a second
that perhaps this guy

who introduced you to Nutsi
maybe set you up

just to take your money?

Gata?

Gata? That's a man's name?

I didn't even think about that
as a possibility.

Of course you didn't. Your brain
is basically pulled pork.

Come on, dude, you got scammed.

If I go and talk to this guy Gata,
will you come with me?

No. Why me?

You were just lecturing him
about business and money.

Mike, you're my best friend.
I'm asking you to come, please.

I love you.
Take Ally.

-Weekends are for me.
-No. You're a pussy. I'll go.

Call a Lyft.
I don't give a fuck.

I'm not gonna bring my girlfriend
with me to get the m...

it just feels like
such a weird thing to do.

-I know that's sexist, probably, but...
-It is.

It's even weirder to take me,
'cause then it looks like you went

and got your muscle,
and they're just gonna be like...

-You're the muscle?
-You're laughing at me?

You have sex with a man
with no muscle on his body.

That's bone and tendon.
You're a marionette. You know that.

Okay, why do we need to go?
You just go.

You guys haven't met this guy.

You have no context. Never mind,
I'll figure something out.

Dicky.
Lil Dicky. Holy shit, man.

-Hi.
-Hey. Gosh, can I get a pic?

-Yeah, of course.
-Definitely.

Sweet. Um, you know, uh,
I'm a rapper, too.

-Um, I go by Nuance.
-Cool.

Nuance?
Send him all your stuff.

You guys could collab
or something.

Three, two...

Get a few, just in case.

-I got it.
-Very tight.

Um, so, is this your girl?

- Still here.
- Yeah.

I just think it's so sick
how you tweet after you, like,

get head and shit.

You're my hero, man.

I think that happens
to most couples.

Shots at your kickback

Bitch, get back

I said, bro, get back...

Thank you for coming with me.
I appreciate it.

Yeah, of course.
Obviously, you know,

you got to have me around
sometimes.

What does that mean?

It-it means that
we're in the hood

and you had no other friends
to bring...

Wait, this is the hood
right now?

There's no line that defines,
like, "We're in the hood,"

or a sign that says,
"Welcome to the hood."

-But, like, we are in the janky.
-Right.

Song with YG worked out, right?

Please stop.

-Mr. Nuts took everything from you.
-I need... I need you... I...

- His name is Nutti.
- Oh...

-"His name is Nutti."
-And we're not even going

to Nutti's house,
we're going to Gata's house.

Oh! Gata!

"Yeah, Mr. Gator, Mr. Nuts,
your 10:00 is here."

Shut the fuck up.

Lil Dicky poppin' out
in South Central?

-I can't believe this.
-Oh, is this South Central?

Like Don't Be a Menace?

Hey, you the engineer that be
at the studio, right, bro?

-Yeah, papi, Elz.
-Papi?

Save that gay shit for New York, bro.
We on the west right now.

I'm messing with you, man.
My uncle gay.

And he a cold-ass nigga.
Come on in, y'all.

-Hey, we got company.
-Hi. Catherine.

Moms, we don't just got anybody
in the spot right now.

We got Lil Dicky in here. He one
of the best new rappers in the game.

-Oh, what's up, Lil Dicky?
-Oh, no, I'm a normal person.

That thing right there
is Lil Dicky.

I'm the rapper, isn't that funny?
I'm Lil Dicky.

But call me Dave. I prefer that.

Oh. Well, why you call yourself
Lil Dicky? You got a Lil Dicky?

Soft, it's never even grown at all,
since I was a child, but...

No, it's just kind of like a...
play on a rap name.

The opposite of
what you'd expect.

So, you're a satirical rapper.

Jackpot. See? I told you people
understand what I'm doing.

So, Gata, I have something
relatively serious

I need to talk with you about.
Remember that guy Nutti

that you set me up with
for the YG verse?

So, they said "yes"
to doing a song.

I sent him $10,000.

As soon as the money
went through,

he completely stopped responding
to all my text messages.

And the whole thing
feels very...

-Coincidental and...
-Wait. Coincidental how?

You know, I have to assume
that my money's gone,

and Gata set the whole thing up,
so I don't mean to be accusing...

Hold up, bro. Ain't nobody
run off with nothing, man.

Nutti changed his number. You got
to kill that energy in my house, though.

-Nutti changed his cell phone number?
-That's what I just said.

Who would change their number in the
middle of a $10,000 wire exchange?

I'm sending you his new line
right now. Relax.

Okay, I'm gonna text him
right now.

Come on, bro,
you got me looking crazy.

No, I wasn't saying that I was
certain it was you, by the way.

I was just trying
to think about what happened

and replaying everything and
thinking about who the suspects

-could even be and...
-Oh, and you thought of my son.

Gee, I wonder why that is.

Small things to a giant. I ain't
even tripping, this shit regular.

People size me up all the time
and stereotype me.

Putting me in a box like
I'm some thug. Just like you.

You look like a nerd, all corny.
But you rap hard, though.

Like, people play they self
when they do that shit, man.

How you gonna do me like that?

I hear you.

And... it seems
I have made a fool of myself

and I'm very sorry.

-You should be.
-I know. And I'm...

...embarrassed.

I'm sorry. Oh, my God.
Nutti just responded.

He says if we go right now,
we can do the verse.

-YG in the studio right now?
-Yeah.

Oh, I got to go with you, bro.
We got to get this sorted out.

-Please come. You'll come?
-Yeah, I'm going.

What's up?

Hi.

Lil Dicky, remember?

Lil Dicky. What up, bro?

-Oh, whoa, whoa!
-Balmain, down.

Try to control your fear.
He can smell fear.

Control my fear?
How do I do that? I reek of fear.

Just chill, man. Relax.

-Balmain.
-Ah!

Damn, even the dog Balmain?
That's hard.

-Yo, what you doing here, bro?
-I'm just in here, chilling.

You know what I'm saying, seeing
what's good. What's good, Nutti?

-Nah, nah, you got to skate, man.
-I'm the one that set this up.

I don't give a fuck, bruh.

Hey, man, it's like...
Man, you being extra, too, man.

You burnt out, bro.

Come on, man.

Hate broke niggas.
Shit make me nervous.

For sure.

YG, Lil Dicky.

What up, man?
Good to meet you.

So...

I don't know what
Nutti has told you,

but I've got this one song
called "Girth" that I really

think would be a huge...

Hey, D, hey, hey.
Turn the bass up, bro.

Beggars with dough, she fuck
it up, she know I got knots

The money come, the money go,
man, this shit don't stop

White Ferrecci 'cause she with
it, she a top-notch broad

Steady lookin'
over my shoulder

Man, this shit don't stop

Tryin' to get that money
till this shit don't stop

I'm tryin' to pull up foreign,
tryin' to pull up drop

I'm buyin' all designer,
tryin' to hit your thot

Ghetto YG, these Glocks,
tell 'em hit your block

You see this old watch,
you see the diamond clock

You see this a drop,
you know it cost a lot

She see me, she gonna thot,
I see you, we gonna box

Need to let my Eagle drop,
need to let my Eagle drop

Yeah, yeah, I don't care,
war gear, I declare...

Guns! Wow.

Could've used
a heads-up about that.

Lot of guns over here.

Oh.

Sorry, I just noticed
all the weaponry.

I didn't know
if something was afoot,

or if the safeties were on,
or what.

Hey, 'Rell,
you know he a rapper?

Thought he was a new intern.

No, 'Rell.
You've got me all wrong.

I'm actually
one of the best rappers alive.

Yeah. And in five years,
you're gonna replay

this entire moment and be like,
"Wow, not only was he right,

"but I was so lucky to spend
that quality time with him

before he really took off."

That's what every rapper say.
The same shit.

Well, every good rapper
has to feel that way.

Do you want to pull up the
session that I want to work on

with you and see
if I'm just like every other...

You be fucking black bitches,
Lil Dicky?

You said,
"Do I fuck black bitches?"

Do you fuck black bitches,
Lil Dicky?

Well, statistically,
I certainly skew white.

So, what kind of hos
you fuck with, then, Lil Dicky?

What type of hos? Well,
you know, I've got a girlfriend.

So, I typically fuck with her.
Fuck on her. All that.

Real cute girl. Honestly,
the sex is very solid.

Uh, she has recently just
switched birth controls, though,

which... her vagina
gets dryer faster, which...

-I'm giving way too much information.
-Bruh.

Her pussy really dry?

-Sometimes.
-Oh, yo.

I will keep my ear to the pussy
the next time I'm in that ass,

or... pussy, I guess,
'cause I've never done anal.

Don't think
I'd like it very much.

Are you guys going to Coachella
this year or what?

Hey, man. Hold up, man. I got
to get you on my Instagram, bruh.

-Oh, is it a video or a picture?
-It's a video, bruh. Spit some shit.

You funny as fuck.
Rap to the fans, Lil Dicky.

Oh, I don't know
about that, I don't...

Spit some shit, Lil Dicky. Rap!

You know, I'm really, I...

wasn't prepared at all
for this type of thing.

Don't film yet. Are you filming?
I don't, uh...

Man, I thought this dude
was a rapper.

Man, yo, Peter Parker's
scared to rap. Hey, D.

Fuck it, man. Hey,
let's make a beat from scratch.

Fuck this nigga.

Wait.

Allow me to tell y'all
what I'm 'bout

Like a dinner,
you got reservations

But I'm 'bout to eat up
all the doubt

Hey, come on,
I'm a flower, let me sprout

Lookin' like I'm straight out
of Comic-Con

Scrawny Don, hungry, Ramadan

My mama wrong,
she don't think I got a job

But I'm-a make great cheese
like Parmesan, I'm hardly on

But the rent paid

'Cause you know the pussy
flow good, I menstruate

If we got off on the wrong foot
like Bengay

It's because I'm higher
than a bitch, men's pay

Rappers thinkin' that they hot,
blow your nose

Motherfuckers, it's not,
I ain't never fought a man

In my life,
I have only slept with

Four different girls, still
you could get it, though

Get every crevice, though,
come on some chicken

Like fresh mozzarella,
hella good Ebonics

I think like a comic,
my females got bombs

On their body
like they were jihadists

And my libido is scary like
Magic Johnson near mosquitoes

Mm, I'm tactical,
I'm back and forth

From actin' dull to rappin'
for you, attractin', lurin'

The faction formin', the
track's recorded, it's about

To put me on the racks
like a fashion store

I just want a girl
let me hit it on a workday

I don't think
my dick has grown at all

Since the first grade,
I'm-a get the cake

With my gifts
like a birthday

Separatin' with my lines
like two lanes

I don't want a Grammy, bro,
I got two

And they're fairly old, stay
with more bars than a graph

I'm on top of the class,
hop in a bath with a bad

Little lady with ass, I'm
makin' her laugh, the neck

Like a baby giraffe, shakin'
it fast, makin' it last

Haters amass, sayin' I'm bad,
it's like an eighth grader

Trainin' the class,
it's crazy and blasphemous

I'm 'bout to break 'em
in half, I'm makin' my path

I'm waitin' on my break like
a cast, somebody get a boy

A gig,
he got drive and flash.

Like a flash drive.

-He kind of tight. Yeah.
-Damn.

Hey, Lil Dicky bitch,
if you listening,

hit him
with that slickness tonight!

-Oh-oh-oh. Uh...
-None of that dry shit.

Don't take that birth control
till tomorrow, baby.

Did you post that already? Please
don't post that. Did you post it?

Yeah.

-Oh.
-Hey, I'm tired, bro.

I'm going. Let's go.

Wait, where are you guys going?

Oh, we got a quick Europe run.

We'll be back in a few weeks.

A few weeks? What do you mean?
What about the verse?

Oh. Oh, nah, nah.

We'll take care of that
when I get back.

-I would love to settle up right now.
-Yo, yo, yo.

Why you pressin' me, bro?

I don't like that shit. Twin.

Wait.

Wait a minute.
Just... slow down. I don't...

Are you gonna change your number
between now and then?

I said I got you.

Wait a minute. Hold on.
Hold the phone. Hold on.

Yo, yo.

Hey, man, uh, so, I paid

you guys my life savings
to get on one of my songs,

and we were supposed
to work on it tonight,

and that did not happen.

Damn, bro.

My bad.

-You know, I don't...
-Bro, don't trip.

When I get back,
we gonna do something crazy.

-A'ight?
-You promise?

I got you.

We good?

Yeah, we're good.

Man, YG get a couple hits,
go all Hollywood.

Had me out here
for an hour, bro.

Did he do the verse or what?

No, he didn't do the verse.

He did put me on his Instagram
rapping for, like, two minutes.

-He put you on his Instagram rapping?
-Yeah, and it's going viral.

- I can't believe that.
- Yeah, look.

Dang, that... This is way sicker
than a verse.

He basically directed
a music video for you, bro.

Gata, I am incredibly high.

Would you drive my car?

I got you, bro. Let's wiggle.

Okay.

Hey, be honest with me.

Were you just using me to get
into the studio with them?

Man, you know I got
to do what I got to do, bro.

I'm a positive opportunist.
You know how I gander and wiggle.

We 'posed to be like Kobe and
Shaq, bro. I got to get mine.

You 'posed to throw it
off the glass, bro. I rap, too.

-Like, what's good? I ain't...
-No, I'm not mad. I...

I'm honored to be a part of your
gander, as you would put it.

I think it's cool.

I think we're gonna be telling
this story at our 50th birthday parties.

50th birthday party? What's really
good with this weekend?

What's the plot, fool?

I'm not doing anything
this weekend.

I need to rest.

My dick sucks, my dick sucks

My dick sucks, fuck!

My dick sucks,
my dick sucks

My dick sucks, fuck!

Hey, girl, hey, girl

Hey, girl, what you tryin'
to say, girl?

When you see my dick,
you may hurl

But I'm still kind of hot
like May, girl

Whoa, girl, whoa, girl

I'm just tryin'
to let you know, girl

My dick sucks fo' sho', girl

But I make up for that

Like, even though my dick
is shorty

It sit there like it's Gotti

And it do good work
like Gandhi

And it might grow more
like Brawny, probably not

Got bitches in the lobby,
their body language obvi

If five-inches the over-under,
I'm underdog like Rocky

They don't care
about my cock

I could use a pussy mop

In the scene like I'm a prop

She saw me and went in shock

Technically
I'm unemployed...