All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm S09E10 Fatwa 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb (1)_track3_[eng]

( theme music playing )

♪ Here I am,
hiding out now
in a hole ♪

♪ Barely eating,
barely sleeping, this shit's
taking its toll ♪

♪ Fuck writing,
I got bigger fish
to fry now ♪

♪ I know I'll die now,
I need a plan ♪

- ♪ I do not like this man ♪
- ♪ Tarnishing the scripture,
how he mocks me ♪

♪ All this blasphemy
and vanity, carnality
exhausts me ♪

♪ It'll cost me
my respect in Iran ♪

♪ And so
it's time for him to die,
I do not like this man ♪

♪ Come on, don't be silly,
it was just a book ♪

♪ Don't look weak now,
can't let him off the hook ♪

♪ What a coward,
God knows that ♪

Both:
♪ I do not like this man ♪

Lin:
♪ What am I gonna do? ♪

♪ His death sentence
is the worst friggin'
book review ♪

♪ His book's
like a sickness,
it won't quit ya ♪

♪ Talkin' trash
about the scripture,
not a pretty picture ♪

♪ All I wanted was to win
the Booker Prize, guys ♪

♪ Not have him slit my throat
and gouge out my eyes, my, my ♪

Ayatollah:
♪ I can't allow
this desecration ♪

♪ This irritation,
indignation ♪

- ♪ Not while I lead
this nation ♪
- ♪ Whoo ♪

- ♪ It's official ♪
- ♪ Don't try to call
our bluff ♪

- ♪ Deference, as if ♪
- ♪ Writing's not hard enough ♪

♪ Heathen, tyrant,
traitor, violent ♪

Both:
♪ God knows that
I do not like this man ♪

♪ Haven't you
caught him yet? ♪

♪ Stop asking me already,
I'm trying ♪

♪ Please just
express regret ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, like I haven't
thought of that, come on ♪

- ♪ Just go cut off
his head ♪
- ♪ Ah ♪

♪ Just hide under the bed ♪

Both:
♪ I do not like this ♪

♪ He doesn't like this ♪

Both:
♪ I cannot like this ♪

♪ He'll never like this ♪

Both:
♪ I do not like this man ♪

All:
♪ Enemies forever! ♪

- Whoa! Whoa!
- Man: Terrific! Terrific!
Thank you.

What a wonderful day
of rehearsal, gang.

Thanks so much.
That was great.

I like these men.

- Really great job.
- Fantastic.

- My best work.
- Wow.

How about Susan Stroman?
I mean-- huh?

She's the best.

11:30 call
tomorrow.

We're gonna start
with the new choreography
for "Fatwa Sex."

- I gotta talk to Lin.
- All right.

Quick question for you.
Cody wants to know which
poster you like more.

- Um... I think this one.
- Cool.

- Murray.
- Hey.

- That was unbelievable!
- Oh, thanks.

- So great.
- Felt good.

- Loved it.
- Thanks.

I got one little,
tiny note for you.

- Yeah?
- It's a small, small note.

I noticed that
you're denunciating
with your fist.

And the ayatollah,
actually, he denunciates

with his--
with his index finger.

- He kind of uses it like a--
like a sledgehammer.
- Yeah?

- That feels good.
- You like that?

- I think it's terrific.
- Yeah.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Yeah. And...

- I really like
your shoes.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Thank you!

Lin: Can we go over
the choreo for "Fatwa Sex"
before we go onstage?

Yeah, why don't you
come in at 10:45?

We'll have
the dance captain come.

- Ach!
- Are you happy?

- Am I happy?
- Aren't they incredible?

- It's crazy! This is insane!
- It's gonna be amazing.

I can't believe
how excited I am!

I've only been excited
twice in my life.

- Unsnapping my first bra.
- ( laughs )

And this!
This is like my second bra!

Oh, well, fantastic.

If this guy ever asks you
to go in the weeds,

get in the weeds!

- Is that fishing?
- No, no, no.

- That's work.
That's work, yeah.
- Yeah. It's the work.

- As I was watching it...
- Yeah?

...I'm thinking
that old opening

would work great now.

- What?
- ♪ There's a fatwa,
there's a fatwa ♪

♪ Gotta run,
I think I oughta-- ♪

Oh, I totally
blocked that out.

You know,
just sitting there,

you can just feel
how well that could work.

You know what we do?

Cast album bonus track
just for the fans.

Give them the bonus now.
Why have a bonus then?

It's not a bonus
if it's already here.

Cody, what'd
you think of that?

My toe started tapping.
I mean--

- Yeah.
- ♪ Gonna get shot-a. ♪

- It's catchy.
- Yeah. It's catchy!

But I think
this opening number

sets up the thing
you love so much.

Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.

I gotta go to wardrobe
and get changed.
Walk with me?

- Yeah. I wanna talk
to you about something.
- Great. Thanks, Cody.

But honestly,
you should reconsider this.

Look, watch.
Just watch this.

One second.
I'm running, okay?
You're running.

♪ There's a fatwa,
there's a fatwa, gotta run,
I think I oughta ♪

♪ Gotta hide,
I think I've gotta ♪

♪ Gonna get scared,
gonna get shot-a,
want my mama... ♪

And everybody's yelling
from the windows.

That's your
talk show bit.

You do that
on "Late Night"
and say,

"This is what turned into
the amazing musical number
we actually did."

It's gonna be great.

Hey, Cody, what'd
you think of that?

I-- I would attend
a workshop of it.

- It's a workshop.
- Larry: Hey.

- So, first preview's
in a week.
- Yeah.

I'm thinking
it would be a good idea

to do something
for the cast and crew.

Something fun, you know.
Maybe like paintball?

Well,
that's a great idea!

- Yeah?
- Yeah, absolutely.

"Lion King"
used to do that
all the time.

- Oh, terrific!
- Yeah, it might be fun.

Great, we'll do it
this weekend.

You know,
I'll pay for it.

Great,
I'll spread the word
with the cast.

- Hi, Greg.
- Hi.

So, I think this is not
the tweed that we really want.

- I just--
- What is it about it
that's not working for you?

It's not quite
professorial enough.
Do you agree?

- I-- I like it.
- You like it?

- Yeah, I think it looks good.
- I'd like to see options, then.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

These are all the vests
I pulled.

Oh, I wanted to ask you,

my cousin Valentina
and her husband,

their Airbnb fell through.

They're coming in to see
the first preview.

I was wondering
if they could maybe
stay with you.

Hmm... no hotel?

They're-- they're
a really interesting couple.

Hotels are
not their thing.

But aren't you
renting a house?

Yeah, but me and V
only have one bedroom.

There's really not room,

and you've got
that great big house.

Is that okay?
Is that-- it's cool?

Yeah, sure.
What the hell.

All right.
Thank you.

Wonder if there's
anything else

we need to do
before tomorrow.

- Something wrong?
- ( laughs ) I--

I just did you
a very nice favor.

- Yeah.
- Uh...

and that "thank you" was--

it was like I passed you
the ketchup.

- Yeah, no, no.
- It was not commensurate
with the gesture.

Oh, I--
I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Um, what else
do you have?

Greg:
You've seen
the choices.

- Um...
- All right, I'm-- I'm--

- I'm gonna head back.
I'll see you later.
- Okay. Thanks.

- Thanks again.
- Yeah.

- Greg: What do we think?
- Lin: Yeah, it's a little boxy.

Susie:
Where's Funkhouser?
Where is he?

- He's always late, this guy.
- I know. So rude.

I say next time, we tell him
a half hour earlier.

- You know what,
let's just sit down.
- Susie: All right.

We'll have some appetizers,
maybe even order dinner.

- Who cares? Yeah.
- Who cares?

- Hi. Um...
- Hi.

David.
Reservation.

Ah! Yes.
Party of four.

Are you all here?

No, we have three.

Well, I'm sorry.

We can't seat you until
your entire party arrives.

- Why?
- It's our policy.

We don't seat
incomplete parties.

What's the point of the policy?
We have three people.

It's the same table.
What's the difference?

The chef really likes
everyone to sit together

so they can order together
and he can deliver the food
at the same time.

- Oh, the chef likes
everyone to sit together.
- Yes.

- Isn't that nice?
- It makes for the optimal
dining experience.

Okay, you know
what the optimal
dining experience is?

To eat when
you're hungry, okay?

- I understand.
- That's the optimal
dining experience.

I'm sorry.
That's our policy.

We do not sit
incomplete parties.

- Yeah.
- No, this is bullshit.

- I know.
- Guess we'll wait.

Hey, I got
that paintball
thing secured.

Oh, good for you.
That'll be fun.

- They're gonna love it.
- What? What is it?

I'm taking the cast and crew
to do, like, a paintball day.

- You know paintball?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fun.

- They shoot paint
instead of bullets.
- It's a good bonding.

Yeah, we're gonna
do it on Saturday.

- Sat-- wait.
This Saturday?
- Yeah.

It's Sammi's wedding
this Saturday.

I thought it was
the week after.

Oh, God, I sent you
the save-the-date,

I sent you
the invitation,

you never fucking
wrote it down?!

- You sent me too many things!
- Don't make it my fault now!

You know what,
I'll work it out.
I can do both.

You're making a speech.
You promised Sammi.

All right,
I'll work it out.
I'll work it out.

I'm sorry.
I'm just a little cranky--

- I'm hungry.
- Larry: Me, too.

No, but I'm hungry.

- Yeah, I hear you.
- Jeff: Yeah. Shall we leave?

Susie:
We don't have a reservation.
You can't get in anywhere.

It's crazy.
You know how I get.

- The blood sugar,
up and down, up and down.
- Jeff: I know how you get.

Okay, I'm gonna
take care of this.

- Stay right here.
- All right.

- Susie: The food here is great
and you know it.
- Jeff: I do.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Are you alone
by any chance?

- Perhaps.
- Please do not
misconstrue this.

This is not a pickup
in any way, shape, or form.

- Okay.
- I don't pick up;
I put down.

- ( laughs ) Okay.
- Now, the situation is thus:

this restaurant
has an idiotic policy...

Larry:
Okay, let's go.

We have four.

- Four?
- Yes, four.

Okay.

Table six, please.

- Thanks for joining.
- Of course. I'm hap--
happy to be here.

- So what do you do?
- I'm an actress.

- Oh.
- You know,
I just figured at 36,

if there's any profession
that you can do

later in life as a woman,
it's acting.

Have we seen you
in anything?

No, but I'm doing
some plus-size modeling.

- Really?
- And then I do
stand-in work.

Okay, she stands in
for the star.

- For the camera.
- For the camera.

Right, yeah,
I understand.

I'm sorry.

You were the guy
with the, uh--

you have the fatwa
on you, right?

Yeah, that's-a-me.

What are you doing out?
Aren't you kind of scared?

They called it off.

- So it's over.
- Yeah, but I was out anyway.

- Jeff: Yeah.
- Yeah, he did.
He was brave.

Can I give you
a business card?

Sorry, 'cause
I'm just realizing now
you're that writer.

- Yeah.
- I've never done comedy,
but it doesn't seem that hard.

- Hmm.
- Here you go.

- Ah. Marie Deschamps?
- Susie: Mmm.

- What are you, French?
- No, it's actually
my stage name.

Johnson's
my real last name.

- Jeff: Is Marie
your real first name?
- No. Jenny.

All right, well,
I'll put your card
in my pocket.

I will never call you,
but I'll put it
in my pocket.

And I'm very glad that
that fatwa got cleared up.

- Larry: Thank you.
- Does it ever occur to you

that maybe this fatwa thing
is not as over as you think?

You know how
the Japanese soldiers,

they'd find them
on, like, an island,

and they wouldn't know
the war's been over
for a long time?

Maybe someone
is so off the grid

that they have no idea
the fatwa's over.

Maybe someone
is so stupid

that they say things
they shouldn't be saying.

- Maybe.
- Marty: Hello!

- Hey, look who's here.
- Hello. Marie.

Oh, is this
a replacement
for Bridget?

I recruited her
from the bar.

- She's a stand-in for you.
- Oh, great.

We gotta get you a chair.
Where's the waiter?

Larry:
Yeah. You know what?

You need to go now.

- What?
- Larry: Yeah.

You stood in.
Now it's time to stand up.

But, hey, very good job.
Good stand-in job.

- Really?
- But first team
has arrived, so...

And listen, Larry,
if you ever need an actor,

you call me, okay?

You never know.

Okay, I'm expecting
the call.

Okay-- well,
I wouldn't go that far.

- Susie:
Well, hello there.
- That was interesting.

- ( Susie chuckles ) Yeah.
- Hi.

You know, it's customary
when someone is 20 minutes late

to offer an apology
to their friends.

- Am I right?
- That's absolutely correct.

- Larry: That's accurate?
- Susie: Yes.

Sorry.

( scoffs )
What? That's a "sorry"?

Don't insult us with that.

If you're more
than ten minutes late,

it's gotta be
a profuse apology.

That was an apology
like you were one minute late.

- Am I right?
- He's right.

And frankly, your "sorry"
was not commensurate
with the offense.

Can I get a drink?

If I was 20 minutes late,

I'd be apologizing
like I accidentally
killed your family.

- Guess what.
- Yeah?

You did accidentally
kill my family.

My nephew,
the joy of my life,

was killed by the bulls,
and it was your fault!

Okay?!

Sorry.

Bottle of wine, anybody?

- Both: Yes! Good idea.
- Yeah.

- Susie: Red or white?
- Love red.

So what's happening?

I had a colonoscopy.
Clean as a whistle.

- Hey!
- Hey, good morning, Larry.

Good morning.

Hey, L.D.
Thanks for paintball.

Oh, y-you're very welcome.
You're very welcome.

Hey, that was
so sweet of you.

- Oh. It was nothing.
- Thank you. Really.

- Nothing.
- It's gonna be fun.

- See you inside.
- Okay.

You know what,
get me the salmon--

- get me the salmon
with the salad.
- Cool.

Thanks for
the paintball, L.D.

You are very,
very welcome.

Speaking
of the paintball,
that is so nice.

The crew
is freaking out.

Oh, I'm happy
to do it.

I love paintball
and I am sorry I can't go.

I have a gig booked.

Shooting a commercial

for this feline
distemper medication.

I have my shots,
so I know how to deal
with the cats.

Mm, ah.
What a shame.

How do you have
an event like this
without Cody Gutcher?

- I know.
- Huh?

- ( sighs )
- What are they paying you
for this thing, may I ask?

It's my day rate.
1,200.

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna take care
of that for you.

I'll give you the 1,200.

Tell them you can't make it.
You're going to paintball.

- ( laughs )
Oh, my God, Larry!
- Huh?

- Thank you!
- We couldn't do it
without you, Cody Gutcher.

- You gotta be there.
- Thank you so much.
You are a prince.

You're welcome,
and let me just say this--

that is a fantastic
"thank you."

That was a "thank you"
commensurate with the gesture.

And it's worth it
for that "thank you."

- What do you think about that?
- We're gonna have a blast.

I love that "thank you."
Love it.

My pleasure.

Cody: Jeremy?
( laughing )

- Larry: Hey, Murray.
- Ah, Larry.

Oh, listen,
about the, uh--
the harem scene.

There's too many redheads.

- Six?
- Yeah.

What do you think?
Four?

Yeah, you're right.

I think four.
Four is better.

Thanks, thanks.

Oh, same pants
as yesterday.

What, are you
tracking my outfits?

No, no, just...
observing, that's all.

You know, I was late
and they had the belt
in them from yesterday,

so I picked them up
'cause I was in a hurry.

They're not dirty
or anything.

Then by all means,
wear them again.

You're an outfit tracker,
Murray.

Nobody likes
an outfit tracker.

I don't know why
a casual observation

has made you
so uncomfortable.

I just feel like
I'm living in some kind
of clothing police state,

like it's 1984.

Big Murray's watching me.

Big Murray's
not watching you.

No, Big Murray
is watching.

Big Murray has
other things to do.

Apparently, Big Murray
has nothing else to do
but outfit track.

I'm not judging you,

I'm just noticing
that you wore the same pants.

Okay, Big Murray.

- Robes, robes, robes...
- Hey, L.D., psyched about
the paintball.

- Thank you so much.
- Oh, my pleasure!
Of course!

You are the kindest.
Thank you so much.

Oh, you're so welcome!

- Hey.
- What's up?

I have great news.
We got a signer.

For-- for deaf people?

Yeah, yeah,
for deaf people.

And anyone who enjoys ASL.

I mean, she's basically
on the side

and she signs
throughout the performance.

- It's awesome.
- Do deaf people
go to musicals?

- Yeah.
- Why don't we just have

one performance a month
for all deaf people?

And we don't
have to be distracted
by a signer onstage.

You want to segregate
the deaf?

No, I don't want
to segregate them.

Yeah, separate,
but equal.

Special, but equal.

She's gonna be incredible.
You'll see.

It's really inclusive.
Hey, let me ask you something.

Do you like this robe?

I-- yeah, it's nice.
I like it.

That's what I thought.
We need to see more robes.

You're gonna have
to go shopping again.

Thank you.

Okay, you're driving
this poor guy nuts, okay?

- That's the gig.
- He's gonna quit.

No, he's gonna get
in the weeds with us.

He's gonna emerge
with the perfect robe.

Okay, well,
I'm telling you,

he's one foot
out the door right now.

Well, as long as he's
one foot out the door
finding the right robe,

I don't give a fuck.

- Woman: Hi!
- Hi!

- Lin! Hi!
- Oh, my God,
you made it!

- So good to see you.
- Hi, Ernst. Great to see you.
How are you?

Larry, this is my cousin
Valentina and her husband Ernst.

Hey,
nice to meet you.

- Valentina? Hi.
- Hi. Yeah.

- Hello.
- Hello. Hi.

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you as well.

So, is this the wardrobe area?
Tell me about this place.

Yes, this is the wardrobe area.
This is where all the costumes
in the show are.

And we're just getting
everything, uh--

I'm Gregory Michael David.
I'm the costume designer.

- Hi. Valentina.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- This is your fiefdom.
- Yes, yes!

This is the workshop,
so, yeah, feel free
to look around.

Yeah, just seems like fun
to have people try on
your creations.

Greg: Yes. If you
wanna try anything on,
please let me know.

Yes.
Do you have things
in turquoise?

- I could pull
some stuff for you, yeah.
- I would love that.

He seems
very competent.

Yeah. We're a robe away,
but he's doing great.

I get it.

How long you two
been married?

- Um... a few years.
- Yeah.

Kids?

- Mmm, no.
- No.

- We're not
gonna have kids.
- No. Cats.

- Why don't you guys
go upstairs...
- Okay.

...and I'll give
you guys a tour as soon
as I get upstairs.

They've got the directions
to your place.

Yeah, yeah,
just go over anytime,
make yourself at home,

and stay as long
as you like, actually.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

All right.
I see where you got
your tepid "thank yous" from.

That was worse
than your "thank you."

That seemed like
a perfectly appropriate
"thank you" to me.

- Oh, did it? Really?
- Yeah.

What is it
with you Mirandas?

You're missing
some kind of...

"thank you" gene
or something.

( laughs )
I think we all said it.

Yeah. Okay.

- Okay, I'll see you upstairs.
- See you upstairs.

Yeah.
Let's find a Dumpster
for this bullshit.

Hey, those are from
a rental house, Lin.

Cody: Okay, everybody,
we're at places, please,
for "Salman, Get Out."

Full tech and music.

- Is our signer here?
- Yes, right here.

Come on up here, please.

We have a place for you.

That spike mark,
downstage left.

Man:
Places for the top!

- ( Cody whispers ) All right.
- ( clears throat )

- Man: Good morning!
- Woman: Hello, darling.

And breakfast
for our guest.

No granola?

Ah, no. I...

( whispers )
You should be grateful.

Hey, uh, Salman, hey,
you should be grateful.

Lin: I'm grateful.
I'm just a little tired
of muesli.

- You can be grateful
and tired of muesli.
- ( whispers ) Hey.

- Salman, we have to talk.
- What do you want
to talk about?

- We took you into our home.
- ( music begins )

You wouldn't have
made it on your own.

But now it's time
for you to go.

I have to say
I'm a little thrown.

( music continues )

- You're a slob.
- You're a pig.

- You're a lazy lout.
- So what are you saying?

Both:
♪ Salman, get out! ♪

♪ I'm a great guest,
you hardly know I'm there ♪

Woman:
♪ You walk around in a robe
with no underwear ♪

Lin:
♪ If you make me leave,
I'll be dead, no doubt ♪

Man:
♪ Ugh! Close your legs ♪

All:
♪ And, Salman, get out ♪

( music continues )

Woman:
And stay out!

- Don't come back!
- Lose my number!

Go stay with
the ayatollah!

All:
♪ Salman, Salman ♪

♪ Salman, Salman, Salman,
Salman, Salman ♪

♪ Salman, get out! ♪

- ( music ends )
- ( applause )

Cody:
Okay, great!
( clears throat )

Great work, everybody.

It was good.
Too bad you missed it.

- Oh, no, I-- I saw it.
- Yeah.

Lin:
Thank you, Cody.

- Thank you.
- Thanks, guys.

- Tina, you're a star.
Thank you.
- Thank you.

Hey, Larry, can I talk
to you for a sec?

( whispers )
I feel like--

I feel like
the number's not working.

- Oh. You know why
it's not working?
- Why?

'Cause everybody's
looking at her tits,
that's why.

- What?
- Bill didn't see
ten seconds of that number.

He was staring at her
the whole time,

as was every other guy
in the audience.

It's just the reasons
he's getting kicked out
of the house

are so fuckin' petty.

No, I completely
disagree with you.

Look,
he's a terrible houseguest.

His life depends
on his being a good houseguest.

He's a pig!
He doesn't do the dishes!

That's funny!

Maybe we just need
different reasons.

Okay, I'll come up
with some other reasons.

- How's that?
- Okay.

- It's not gonna work anyway.
- Why not?

Because men
will look at tits
over anything.

You could be
in the last inning
of the World Series,

a 3-2 score,
bases loaded,

somebody changes the channel
and there's tits on,

they will not go back
to the World Series.

We're on the verge
of making a great musical,

and you're
scapegoating tits?

- It's the scene.
- No, it's the tits!

- It's the scene.
- Tits!

- Scene! Scene! Scene!
- Tits! Tits! Tits!

Scene,
and she stays.

Sorry.

All right,
insufficient "sorry."

Terrible, awful,
horrible "sorry."

Apparently,
the Miranda "sorrys"

are just as bad
as their "thank yous."

Larry:
You heard me-- 1,200.

1,200 fuckin' dollars
to skip a day on his real job

to come with you guys
paintballing?

- You're a good guy.
- Thank you.

- I respect you for that.
- People don't think
I'm a nice guy.

Basically, you're paying
this motherfucker

to shoot people
with a goddamn paint gun.

See?

You know what
I just realized?

- Mm-hmm?
- I gave this guy 1,200,

but he wasn't gonna
make 1,200.

- That's his gross.
- Mmm!

They're gonna deduct taxes
from what he's getting.

He'd only wind up
with 700 or 750.

The guy just made
$500 off me.

You fucked up.

See, when you give
somebody money,

you gotta
add that shit up
in your brain.

You FICA.
You take the fuckin'
difference out!

- You FICA!
- I'm not FICA!

- ( doorbell rings )
- You "FIC'd" up.

He just made money
on you!

( doorbell rings )

Ah. Hello.

Ernest, Valentina.

- Hi.
- Hello, Larry.

Please, come in.

Yeah.
Well, this is it.

Looks great.

( Leon chuckles )
Oh, man.

Larry:
Oh, this is Leon.

He lives in my guesthouse.

- Hello, Leon.
- Leon: I like that look.

- Yeah, I like that jacket.
- Thank you very much.

My mother gave it to me.

- Your mother gave you
the jacket?
- Yes.

It was hers.

- Larry: Really?
- Mm-hmm.

They make that bag for men?

Yes, this bag is made
for men, women,

anybody who enjoys
carrying things around.

- You two are married?
- Yeah. Yes.

- So you got on one knee
and asked her to marry you?
- Ernst: No, no, no.

It was during
the intermission
of "Swan Lake."

I just looked to her and said,
"Will you marry me?"

Larry:
Okay, that's a ballet,
all right? You got it?

- Last one.
- No, no! No last one.

Did you get on top of her
on the honeymoon night?

Shut the fuck up.
Get out of here.

I'm just asking questions.

Don't ask any more
questions, okay?
Shut up.

Um, you guys interested
in a house tour?

- S-Sure.
- Okay.

Will you be
joining us, Leon?

Yeah.

Cool.

Is that good?

Dining room,
kitchen's that way.

By the way,
make yourself at home.

You know, feel free
to use the refrigerator.

You've got
refrigerator privileges.
How's that?

- Cool.
- Thank you.

Before I forget,
this little gadget, okay?

Watch this.

You want the curtains down,
you press that button,

now you stop it,
and now they go up.

Isn't that great?
I love this thing.

Love it.

I don't see why
I would ever need that.

No, no!
Look, look! See?

Here, look.

Voila!

You're showing us
the same function?

Yeah, I guess.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Um... oh.

Bedrooms are upstairs,

and, uh, there are
two guest rooms if you'd like.

Whoo!

Why would we need
two bedrooms?

No, no-- no reason.
Uh...

No reason?

We are husband and wife.

We sleep in one bedroom.

No, but I know a lot of people
who sleep in separate bedrooms.

Couples.
Yeah.

- Really? Like who?
- Mmm.

You want names?
Okay, I'll give you names.

Um, Pete Rose,
Tony Perez,

Johnny Bench,
uh, George Foster,

Dave Concepción.

You-- you've named
six old baseball players

who are married but sleep
in separate bedrooms?

Yeah.

Even the Hit King?

Yeah.
Hit King especially.

Well, we sleep
in a bedroom together.

- Yeah.
- You know what, um...

Let's forget about it.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry,
was that an apology?

No good?

There wasn't really
any emotion to it.

Yeah. Your eyes
were bouncing around
like a cat with strings.

- Valentina: Yeah.
- Well, I'm really sorry
if my apology was--

was not sufficient.

You've just apologized
for your apology?

- Yes!
- That was better
than the first apology.

Why don't you
just use that apology?

You know what, Larry,
we're gonna go upstairs

to, uh, the one
guest bedroom.

Perfectly acceptable.

You got yourself
in some shit this time.

They're a couple
of freaks, man.

Susie:
Could you believe
this kitchen?

- And you know
what a great cook I am.
- Yeah.

The meals I make here--
right, Jeff?

- Yeah.
- It must have cost millions
upon millions of dollars.

Well, it's big,
but it's intimate.

We sit by the fire.

- It's cozy, it's warm.
- Larry: Cozy?

This is cozy?

This is the best party house.
Right, Jeff?

- Yeah.
- So, did you figure it out
about Saturday?

Yeah, yeah, I got
the whole thing
figured out.

I'm gonna go to paintball,
then I'm gonna go
to the wedding.

Because Sammi,
when I mentioned that
you had some problems

and conflict,
you should have seen
the look on her face.

Susie, let me
tell you something, okay?

I've known Sammi
since she was born.

And one of the great joys
in my life has--

has been watching her
blossom into this beautiful,
sophisticated young lady.

Mm-hmm.

I won't miss
her wedding.
No way.

Oh, Lar, that's so sweet.
Are you serious?

- No.
- All right,
just fuckin' be there, okay?

- Okay.
- Don't disappoint me.

- No, I won't.
- So, uh...

Victor's parents
are coming tonight,
Lisa and Paul.

And they're deaf,
you know.

Oh. What is that, mold?

Susie:
It's not fucking mold!
It's cheese!

- Cheese? Look at it.
- It's cheese.

- ( doorbell rings )
- Oh, there's the Chesnicks.

Wait till you meet them.

They are just
such sweet people.

( piano music playing )

By the way,
this house...
oh, my God.

- It's wrong.
- Yeah. Unbelievable
how life works, isn't it?

Just to get laid.
I'm an idiot.

- Oh.
- Susie: All right.

- Larry: Okay. Yeah.
- Jeff: Oh, hi!

- ( shouting )
How you doing, Victor?
- I'm good, man.

- How you doing?
- Good.

Hey, I want to introduce
my mom and my dad,

Lisa and Paul.

How do you do?
Hello.

Hi. Larry.
Larry.

Larry.

Larry:
Rhymes with "Harry."

- Hi, babe.
- What's going on?

- Ask them how they met.
- Yeah.

How did you two meet?

Were you fixed up
because you're deaf?

Ugh, stupid
fucking question.

No, I'm not
asking them that.

- I think it's a good question.
- It's a good question.

I'd be curious, too.
I never asked it.

Ah. Bathroom?
Around that way.

Yeah, there.

I'm hungry.

- Yeah?
- Hungry. Let's eat.

- No. We can't eat yet.
- Why?

- Everybody's not here.
- Who are we waiting for?

- Funkhouser.
- Who else?

What? Again?

He's a guest.
We're waiting
for him to eat.

We're not gonna eat
before Funkhouser
gets here.

- This is your policy?
- Yes, it's my policy.

Yeah, "hold your horses."

- "Hold your horses"?
- Yeah.

This is-- this is
"Hold your horses"?

That's a bad sign.

"Hold your horses" is,
"Whoa, pull back!

Hold your horses!"

- Susie: Is that it?
( laughs )
- Yeah.

Mine's better than yours.

This? No.

That's "hold your horses."
Yeah. Thank you.

I'll bet I could come up
with some good signs

that would improve
sign language.

How about "dog"?

Susie:
Yeah. Yeah.

- No.
- Jeff: What would you do?

( panting )

"Dog."

- ( laughing )
- I can improve
the whole language.

( Susie laughs )

- Bullshit.
- Oh. ( laughing )

- All right, you know what?
- Larry: No.

I have people
I want you to meet.

Come with me.
Enough of your nonsense.

Hey, did I tell you

that Lin hired a signer
for the show?

And she's got
big, big boobs!

Very buxomy,
you know?

- They're gonna take away
from the show.
- Huge!

So distracting.
She's, like, big!

- Jeff: Really?
- Yeah.

I can't wait.

The interpreter

at our show...

A show-- ho ho!
It's a musical.

Musical.
♪ Hey! Hello! ♪

You know,
she has a big...

big bosom.

Yeah, the interpreter.
Yeah.

Not that big. Yeah.
About-- yeah, there.

- ( door closes )
- Jeff: He likes the bosom.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I can't begin
to apologize enough.

I know I'm late,
and I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!
I'm so-- who's this?

- That's Paul.
- I'm sorry.

- Larry: Hey, it's okay.
- I'm so sorry!

- It's a tremendous apology.
- I know, it's horrible!

What can I say
to make it-- make it good?

You don't have to say anything.
It's a fantastic apology.

One of the best apologies
I've ever heard!

Gave me the chills,
that apology.

Oh, my God!
I feel like getting
down on my knees.

I don't know
what else to do!

I wish that
could be broadcast
on national television

so people could
hear what an apology's
supposed to sound like!

- That's why you're my friend.
- Thank you.

What a fantastic
fucking apology that was!

- Okay, thank you for--
thank you so much.
- That was so great.

- Thank you very much.
- That was great.

Thank you.
I feel better.

All right, okay.
Everybody's here.

- Let's eat!
- Let's eat!
Beautiful!

- Let's do it.
- Come on, everybody.
Let's go!

( Larry claps hands )
Dinner!

- Susie: Larry,
I want you here.
- Sure.

- Susie: There.
- Got it.

( chatter continues )

Larry:
Okay, let's try
this rewrite.

...darling.

- Woman: Hello, darling.
- Man: Good morning.

- Woman: Yes.
- Hey, same pants
as yesterday.

What's this?
What, are you tracking
my outfits now?

Lin:
Just an observation.

Huh. You know, for a guy
with so many other concerns,

my trousers should be
at the bottom of your list.

- Woman: Yes.
- Lin: Well, as long as
we're talking about it,

am I crazy,
or have you worn them
three days in a row?

- Oh, come on.
- Hey, do me a favor,
all right?

Stop the tracking.
No one likes to be tracked!

Woman:
Yes. How would you like it
if we tracked you?

Do it.
I'm in hiding
with four outfits.

You'll never see me
doubling up.

You know why?
I rotate.

All you gotta do
is rotate, baby.

( laughing )

- ( music playing )
- ( chatter, laughter )

What the hell
is going on up there?

( sniffs )
What is that?
What is that, incense?

Yeah,
that's incense, brother.
( sniffs )

You don't burn incense
in someone else's house.

It's like cooking fish
or smoking a cigar.
It's a violation.

- ( clamor continues )
- What the hell are they doing?

( door knocker knocks )

Hi. Is Ernst here?

And Valentina.

- Upstairs.
- Great.

Ooh, lovely home.

Yeah.
Yeah, really nice.

Thanks for
your hospitality.

( woman giggling )

- Ernst: Hell-o.
- Woman: Hi.

- ( music blaring )
- ( chatter, laughter )

They're swinging!
They're swinging!

( woman squealing )

( gears rattling )

- ( remote clatters )
- Leon: Whoo! ( laughs )

You're a funny guy,
man.

You got all
this sexual shit
going on,

I'm in the guesthouse chilling,
you don't tell me about it?

- How many people were here?
- 15, at least.

Well, why'd
you let it go on?

I thought
you were in on it!
I didn't know!

Have you lost your mind?

You think I knew
what was going on here?

I thought
maybe you were--
were sleepfuckin'.

- I don't know.
- Sleepfuckin'?

Yeah. You know,
subconsciously,

your brain is fuckin',
but your conscious mind--

I don't think
I was sleepfuckin'.

I have a hard
enough time wakefuckin'.
How am I gonna sleepfuck?

- Cousins are gone?
- Everybody left.

All right, look,
I got paintball today.

We gotta get this place
cleaned up.

I can't deal
with this today.

Okay, I'll do it.

They ransacked
the fridge and broke
the goddamn Jacuzzi, too.

- Bastards.
- What are you doing?

Last time I wore these pants,
F. Murray outfit tracked me.

I can't wear them
around him anymore.
My favorite pants.

- That's crazy, man.
- I'm so pissed.

Just wear those.

- These?
- Those are nice.

Fine.

Jesus,
I'm so goddamn late.

( chatter, laughter )

Josh, I love you.
You're gonna get
fuckin' shellacked

if you're dancing
out there.

We're out here
playing paintball, man!

I go for the big dog.

( laughs )

I actually
upgraded mine.

Are you guys
getting bitten up?

- Hey. This is amazing.
- Larry: Hey!

Yeah, uh, first of all,
so glad to see you here.

You did it.
You did this.

I did, but something
did occur to me, though,

um, however.

Uh, if you had taken
that commercial,

the gross
would have been 1,200,

but the net
would have been,
like, 700.

Maybe 750.

Yeah,
something like that.

( scoffs )

I'm actually...

kind of losing money
on this deal.

'Cause if you were
only gonna make $700,

and I gave you 1,200,

you know, it kind of feels
like you owe me... 500.

Am I wrong?

- Larry, you gave me
this gift.
- Yes.

- I called you a prince.
- I am a prince.

Now you're asking me
for a portion of the gift back.

You're making
a profit off this!

I'm gonna call you
a prick.

With all due respect,
you are the prick.

For accepting your gift?

It shouldn't
be a gift, though.
I'm not giving you a gift.

- Wait, hang on, hang on.
- I'm not FICA.

I paid you the gross,

and I should have
paid you the net.

Why do you keep hiking
your britches up?

Because I couldn't
wear the same pants
two days in a row

because I got
an outfit tracker here,

so I had to take these pants,
and they're too big on me,

and I didn't have time
to put a belt on!

I'm not giving you
the money back.

Have fun today, Larry.

I'm not the bad guy here!

I'm-- I'm losing...
uh...

I-- I'm not the bad guy.

- Hey, Lar.
- Hey, Carly.

- How you doing?
- Good.

Larry, could I have
a word with you, please?

If it isn't Big Murray. Hey.
You know what, Big Murray?

'Cause of you, I couldn't wear
my favorite gray corduroys,

and now I'm wearing pants
that are way too big for me.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about--
that scene in the kitchen.

Funny, huh?

Well, it was
a little insulting to me.

Why?
Nobody knows you're the one
who outfit tracked me.

Oh, you make me
very uncomfortable.

- You know, you're judging me.
- I wasn't judging you.

It felt like
it was a thin disguise
for insulting me.

No. I would insult you
right to your face,
Big Murray.

That's what I would think,
that you should insult me
to my face,

but the problem is,
now I feel like

I'm being tracked
because of what you did.

I can't get up
in the morning anymore
without thinking,

"Oh, gotta be careful.
Big Larry's watching you."

Big Larry is not tracking
Big Murray.

Big Larry
is tracking Big Murray.

Big Larry has
better things to do
than track Big Murray.

Then why are you
writing it all down?

Hey, Larry, can I talk
to you a second?

- Excuse me, Murray.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Be careful what you say
around this guy, huh?

He's a Murray tracker!

There's your outfit tracker,
right there.

Hey, what's this I hear about
you asking Cody Gutcher
for his money back?

Yeah, I asked Cody Gutcher
for my money back, yeah.

But not all of it.
Just the money he owed me.

Cody Gutcher is one
of the best company managers
in the fuckin' country!

We almost lost him
to "Spring Awakening,"
and we have him!

I don't give a shit
if Cody Gutcher goes
to "Spring Awakening!"

I'm nice enough
to give him $1,200,

and he steals 450 of it!

You're nice enough
to do the gesture.
Finish the gesture.

I did finish the gesture,
then I was expecting
a gesture from him!

No. "Here's a gesture.
Where's my gesture back,
motherfucker?!"

That's your version
of a gesture?

You got something
off your chest.
Are you happy?

- Yeah.
- I got something
on my chest, okay?

- Go for it.
- Valentina Miranda
and her husband Ernst,

who I was generous enough
to let stay in my house--

Yeah, and I said,
"Thank you."

- They're swingers.
- Yeah, I know.

You know they're swingers,
you don't tell me?!

I told you they were
an interesting couple.

"Interesting"
is not "swinging!"

I was there
when you met them.

You said,
"Make yourself at home.
Stay as long as you want."

- So they entertained.
- Entertained?!
That's playing mah-jongg!

This was like
a Roman orgy,
like Caligula!

- You know what you do
in someone else's house?
- What?

You tiptoe.

You say please,
you say thank you,
you clean up.

"May I use
your refrigerator?"

Guests tiptoe!
That's what you do!

Oh, no, I wanna
have fun at the fuckin'
Larry David house.

Tiptoe and play mah-jongg,
that's your idea
of fuckin' fun.

You should've seen.
They trashed the whole house!

And you know what else?
They broke my curtain remote!

- What the fuck's
a curtain remote?
- A curtain remote?

It opens and closes,
opens and closes
the curtains!

Who needs
a curtain remote?

You fuckin' do this!
That's how you open a curtain!

You've obviously never
used a curtain remote.

Who would need one?
It's a curtain!

It's a good thing!
It's a fun thing!

If you ever did it,
you wouldn't even
think about it!

Well, I'm never
coming to your house,

'cause I don't want
to tiptoe around

and maybe get
refrigerator privileges!

You gesture-rescinding
motherfucker!

- ( laughter )
- That's right.
That's right.

At least I don't have cousins
who are sex degenerates!

( laughter, murmuring )

- What'd you say
about my family?
- You Mirandas!

You don't give
proper "thank yous,"

you don't give
proper "sorrys,"

and you're a bunch
of sex perverts!

All: Oh!
( murmuring )

You've besmirched
the honor of my family,

and I demand satisfaction.

Satisfaction...
you shall have.

( all murmuring )

Cody:
It's a duel.

These proceedings shall fall
under the auspices

of the Code Duello--
Irish version.

I'm given to understand
that one of the gentlemen

has perceived a slight
and demands satisfaction.

That's correct.

Cody:
This is your final chance
to offer an apology,

thereby saving face.

No apology
is forthcoming.

Very well.
We shall proceed.

Gentlemen,
choose your weapon.

Will anyone present
stand as the second
to the offended party?

I will.

Will anyone present
stand forth

as the second
to the transgressor?

I will.

Swell.

If the principals
would please hand
their weapons

to their seconds

to be inspected and loaded
with one projectile.

- I don't know
how to do this.
- What?

Why'd you volunteer
for second if you don't
know what you're doing?

I'm from Newport Beach.
I've never loaded a gun before.

Give me the paintball.

- That's it.
There's nothing to it.
- Sorry.

Very well.
Please stand
back-to-back.

Gentlemen, on my count,

you will proceed
to walk ten paces,

at which point
you will turn,

aim your weapons,
and fire.

And ten, nine...

( march playing )

...eight, seven...

...six, five,

four, three,

two, one!

- ( pistol fires )
- ( Lin gasps )

- Cody: Lin!
- Woman: Oh, my God!
It's in his mouth!

- Man: Come on, Larry.
- It was-- it was an accident!

I was gonna fire
in the air!

( muffled )
Aaron Burr!

- Aaron Burr!
- Larry: I'm not Aaron Burr!

- Man: No, no, no!
- Cody: Lin!

( march playing )

( whispers )
Where the fuck is he?
He says he was gonna be here!

- I don't know.
- I'm gonna fucking kill him.

Family, friends,
and loved ones,

we are gathered here today
to celebrate

one of life's
greatest moments--

the joining of two lives
in this union we call marriage.

Victor and Sammi
have asked you today

to be here
to bear witness

and to offer
your love and support

as they embark
on this next chapter
of their lives.

Victor, we would be remiss
if we didn't thank you
for your service.

Now, please take
each other's hands
for your vows.

- Victor, do you take Sammi
to be your wife?
- Victor: I do.

Officiant:
Do you commit yourself
to her happiness

and self-fulfillment
as a person?

I-- I do.
I do.

- Do you promise to love--
- All right, enough, enough.
Excuse me, miss.

- Out. You gotta go.
- What? What?

Get the hell
outta here.

- And cover up!
- What?

Susie:
Sorry, everybody.

It had to be done.
We'll just continue.

C-Continue.
Continue.

( siren wailing )

Larry:
I'm not Burr.
I'm not Burr.

I was gonna fire
in the air!

You shot
right at me, Larry.

No, it's Murray's fault,

because he was
outfit tracking me

and I had to put on
a different pair of pants,

and they were
too big for me
and they fell.

- ( coughs )
- Anyway, I'm so sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

Really... truly sorry.

- That's a pretty good apology.
- Really?

- It's commensurate
with the offense.
- Yes?

Do you wanna apologize
for falling asleep
during "Hamilton"?

- Oh!
- My wife told me you were
practically on her shoulder.

Okay, what happened was,

I had a pain pill
in my pocket that
Jeff gave me,

because I injured my shoulder
wrestling with you.

So in a way,
you're a little--

I'm at fault
for you sleeping
through my show?

I did see part of the show.

I have to say, I loved it.
It was terrific.

- Thank you.
- ♪ My name is
Alexander Hamilton... ♪

I didn't see the end
of the first act.

♪ And there's
a million things
I haven't-- ♪

- That's the very first song.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna go back.
- Okay.

Any chance
you could, uh...

I have to see what they say,
if they have tickets.

- Two tickets. What's the--
- I don't run the ticket office,
Larry David.

Make a phone call.
What do you mean?
You wrote the show.

Oh, my God.
( coughing )

Hey, hey,
you're spitting on me!

- Cover your mouth
when you cough.
- Man, fuck you.

Oh, my God.

I gotta get to
Jeff's daughter's wedding!

- I'm late!
- What?

Yes, yeah,
I'm speaking there! Hey!

- Driver.
- Hey, what the--

Can we make a quick stop?
It's just at that light.

It's about a half a mile
and you go up the hill.

And you can drop me off.
It's two minutes.

No. This is not
no fuckin' Uber.

We gotta get this man
to the hospital.
He's injured.

It's gonna be
a lot worse for me.
You don't know this woman.

Fuck that woman!
And fuck her wedding.
Get in the back.

- Okay.
- Fuck!

Somebody strap him in!

- ( sighs )
- ( Lin coughing )

Oh, yeah.
Wait a second.

Wait a second,
Charlie.

Who are you calling, Larry?

- This woman I met in a bar.
- ( touch-tones beeping )

You're trying to get laid
on the way to the hospital?

Hey, Marie.
It's Larry David.

Remember, I met you
in the bar

and you came and sat
at the table with us?

Hey, I got a job for you.

( music playing )

Jeffrey, where's Larry?
He's still not here?

- I don't know.
- But we have to start
the speeches.

Well, start
the speeches!

Get the fuck
outta my face!

Go away!
Do the-- the patrons.

- Jeff: What are you doing?
- Susie: Go do your job
somewhere. Go!

Jeff, can you
call him again?

I'm not trying him again.
I called him, he didn't answer.

Marie:
I'm here. Hi.
Sorry I'm late.

Oh, I'm Marie
from the restaurant.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- What are you doing here?

Hi. Larry couldn't
be here...

- ( sighs )
- ...but he asked me
to stand in.

And don't worry,
I have his speech.

( Susie groans )

( glass clinking )

"Hi. I'm Larry David."

Oh, no.

Her name's Marie.
Larry rents her.

"And I just want to say
how thrilled I am
to be here today,

and I am especially honored
to have been asked

to speak
at this blessed event.

I have known Sammi...

for her entire life,
and frankly, I don't even think
she likes me very much.

( chuckling )
But I'm pretty sure I feel
that way about everybody.

Sammi, I wish I had
advice to offer you

on how to have
a successful marriage,

but I'll just offer you
two words:

- separate bathrooms."
- Separate bathrooms.

Okay, that's fine.
Thank you very much.

- So, Sammi and--
what's your name again, sir?
- Thank you very much.

- Victor.
- Marie: Oh, Victor!

You need to be
going right now.
Thank you.

- I'm sorry, everyone--
- Susie, can I, for my reel,
get a copy of that?

Yeah, good-bye.

Enjoy--
uh, enjoy

the rest
of the... party.

I talked
to Lin's doctors.

They said he'll be fine
in about six months.

But he's moving on
to other projects.

He's done.
"Fatwa!" is over.

Our investments are gone.

Lewis lost money,
Danson lost money.

I lost a ton, okay?

I told all these ladies
I was a big-time Broadway
producer.

Now I ain't shit.

So how much
did we lose,
Jeffrey?

We lost a lot of money.

We're-- we're gonna
have to sell the house.

We are not selling
that fuckin' house.

Didn't you wear
that sweater yesterday?

What did you say?

What the fuck
did you just say?

Well, don't get
so excited.
It was--

Yeah, I wore this sweater
yesterday.

So what?
What, are you
outfit tracking me?

I'm not outfit tracking you.
I asked you a simple question.

Sure sounds like
you're outfit tracking.
So what?

I didn't work out in it.
I wasn't on the subway.
I didn't go in public toilets.

The sweater's clean.
You can wear a sweater
two days in a row.

It's not a shirt.
I don't wear a shirt
two days in a row.

- It's just a sweater.
- What are you,
a fuckin' lunatic?

You're an outfit tracker
and I don't like it!

You can wear
the same sweater
two days in a-- oh!

Here's your fruit salad
and your veggie burger.

Oh, veggie burger.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Thank you.

Hello?

Where's my food?

Aw. We'll start.

Mmm.
This is fantastic!

Mmm!

Great!

♪ For a spoonful
of sugar ♪

♪ Helps the medicine
go down ♪

♪ The medicine
go down ♪

♪ The medicine go down ♪

- ♪ For a spoonful of sugar... ♪
- Man: Hey! Hey!

I know who you are.

Yeah.
You're Larry David.

- No, no, no--
- ( speaking Farsi )

The fatwa's--
the fatwa's over!

- They called the fatwa off!
- I don't believe you!

You're a liar!
You're a blasphemer!

- No! No!
Didn't they tell you?
- ( Farsi continues )

No! No, it's true!
They called it off!

No! No!

- They-- they called it off!
- Stop! Stop!

No! No!

Larry David,
I am gonna kill you!

Larry:
It's over!

( theme music playing )