All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm S09E06 The Accidental Text on Purpose 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb (1)_track3_[eng]

( theme music playing )

No hanky-panky,
Mr. Beshraavi,

from man or bird.

Believe him, Nejim.
He means it.

He said
he'd kill me.

( zipping luggage )

( door opens )

( rustling )

Pollack:
Get him, Mustafa.

Hey, hold that door!
Hold that door!

- ( chatter over PA )
- Flight 3-- what?
Hold the door!

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- That's my flight
to Los Angeles!

- I'm so sorry.
You just missed it.
- I'm on that flight.

- Look, I made
the plane, I'm here!
- You were so close...

- What?!
- ...but unfortunately,
the door is locked and closed.

- You're not
letting me on the plane?
- I know it's frustrating,

but once the door closes,
that's it.

Federal regulations.

I got caught up watching
this movie in the hotel,

"Arabesque,"
with Sophia Loren
and Gregory Peck.

- Mm-hmm.
- Please let me in here.

It's so ridiculous.
There's the plane
right there.

But, really, it's as if
the plane's not there.

Wha-- are you
a magician?

- No, but the door is locked.
- I see the plane.

If you're doing a trick,
it's not a good trick.

I'm trying my best
to accommodate you.

It doesn't seem like it.
You're not golden-ruling it.

You're not doing unto others
as you would have others
do unto you.

Unfortunately,
the golden rule is not
a federal regulation.

Golden rule
trumps everything.

Golden rule's on top,
federal law is second.

Good news--
we do have one seat left

on the next
available flight.

- First class?
- No, but it's an aisle seat,

which is kind of
a miracle.

So you do have
a little time

to enjoy our
amazing mall here.

- We have
a Wetzel's Pretzels...
- A Wetzel's Pretzels.

- I can't wait to chomp into one
of those Wetzel's Pretzels.
- They're delicious.

- Good afternoon.
Welcome aboard.
- Hi.

11C-- straight down
and on the right, sir.

Are there any
first-class seats open?

No, it's a full
flight, sir.

Look, there's
an empty seat over here.

Straight down,
right-hand side.

- Hello.
- If somebody
doesn't show up, though,

you let me know, okay?

And, you know,
we can work something out.

I can pay you
separately, perhaps.

Attendant: Go to your seat,
please, sir.
Thank you.

Hey, what are you doing?
I just opened this up for me.

- What are you doing?
- That's my spot right there.

I don't care.
That doesn't mean anything.

This is filled up.
I'm using this.

I don't know
what to tell you, buddy.

It's the Wild West,
okay, so.

( grunting )

( sighs )

Larry.

- Nathan Winocur.
- Hey, Doctor.

- Friend of Marty's.
- Yeah.

- Good to see ya.
- Nice to see you.

Ocean View, right?

That's right.
We should play a round.

- We should play.
- Let's do that.
I'll talk to Marty.

- And I'll get Jeff.
You know Jeff?
- I love Jeff.

- That's a great foursome.
- Yeah, it's a good foursome.

- Nathan: Great.
- Uh, I think I'm there.

Okay, that's me.
Thank you.

Attendant: Sir, sir, I'm sorry.
This is for first-class
passengers.

- I know, but I-- I...
- Your ticket's for 11C, sir.

I know, but nobody's
sitting there.

Could you give me, like,
a personal upgrade,

and I can
upgrade you, and...

- Sir.
- No? Okay.

( sighs )

Sir, can I ask you
a really big favor?

I have
a medical condition

where I have to--
my bladder's really
overactive.

I have a bladder
condition,

and I have
to get up a lot.

Is there any way
I could sit in the aisle

and you would want
to switch to the middle?

I can't switch seats
with you.

I mean, I got the--
I can't sit in the middle.

It's claustro--
claustrophobic in there.

It's okay.
I just have to ask
because I'm up so often.

- I'm sorry.
- I'll die in the middle.

It's so painful, too.

Just wanna see where
the bathrooms are so I know,

- 'cause it's gonna be a run.
- ( sighs ) Okay, fine.

Really?

You are such a gentleman.
Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Heh-hey,
my lucky day.

( scoffs )
Yeah, mine, too.

( man coughing )

I'm just looking
for the little thing.

- Nathan: Gotta buckle up.
- ( sighs ) Jesus Christ.

Nathan:
Give it here.

Oh, come on.

( coughing )

Can I grab one
of your Kleenex, please?

Oh.

I just got-- I think
it's just allergies.

( sniffles )

( blows nose )

Oh, man.

( coughing )

No. No.

No.

Attendant:
Sir, if I could just
have you open your eyes

- so I can see your pupils.
- ( man groans )

If you could just try
and relax a little bit.

- Long, deep breaths.
- Attendant #2 over PA:
Excuse me, everyone.

One of our passengers
has taken ill.

If there's
a doctor onboard,

can you please ring
your call button?

Attendant: Now, sir,
are you currently...

Hey, they're asking
for a doctor.

- Mm-mmm.
- Huh?

You're not gonna
heed the call?

Give it a minute.
He's gonna be fine.

( scoffs )
How do you know?
You don't even know what he has.

You ever been part
of an emergency landing?
Is that what you want, Larry?

To spend the night
in Lubbock, Texas,
at a Days Inn

with a $15 voucher
from Cinnabon?

Think about it.

( scoffs )

Excuse me.

I'd like to use
the bathroom.

( groans )
Okay.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Yeah, don't--
don't move too much.

- Don't get up.
- ( sighs )

Ow!

Ah! Why don't
you move your foot,
for God's sake?!

I'm so glad
I ran into you
on this flight.

I'll call up Marty.
We'll set up a game.

Yeah, yeah,
we'll play.

Oh, you got up.

By the way,
that's the first time that
you got up the entire trip.

That was a total bullshit
story about the bladder.

- I have a medical
condition.
- Medical.

( mocking )
You got a medical
condition.

She's got
a medical condition.

One day, you're--
you're gonna really
have to go to the bathroom,

and no one's
gonna let you.

I had to sit
in the middle

the entire trip
because of you!

Thank you.

Welcome back.

- Thank you.
- ( chuckles )

Nice to be home.
Is that your handiwork?

Fuck, no.
I wouldn't
do that shit.

You know what,
that's not gonna
make me wash a car.

If anything,
I'm not gonna wash it.

- I wouldn't wash it.
- Just to annoy this guy.

I assume it's a guy.
A woman wouldn't do
something like that.

Ladies don't do
that kind of shit.

Ladies bust windows out
and slash tires

and key your car
and shit.

"Wash me."
This is what I'm gonna do.

- ( chuckles )
I like that shit.
- Huh?

You like that?
See the comma after "no"?

- No!
- That's good grammar.

- You wash me!
You wash me!
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- I like that shit.

Hey, did you ever see
this movie "Arabesque"?

Nah. Is that one
of those "Star Trek" movies?

No, no.
It's an old movie
with Sophia Loren.

- She's gorgeous.
- Is she naked in the movie?

No, it was--
it was from the '60s.

Nobody-- nobody
got naked in the '60s.

She's gotta be naked
in something.

Well, if you come
across anything,
let me know.

You know I'ma look.

He refused
to see the person?

He did not
heed the call!

I don't know
what happened
on the plane,

but he's a great guy
to play golf with.

Very surprising.

Do you care
about the character

of people
you play golf with

if they leave you alone
on the course?

No, I'm happy to play
with a reprobate

if he has
a good personality

and I enjoy
playing with him.

I'll play
with reprobates.

- Yeah?
- Oh, really?

- Yes.
- You, Manson,
Ramirez, and Hitler.

- That's a good foursome.
- If they play fast.

- If they play fast.
- I'd rather play with
a fast Manson

than a slow Funkhouser,
I'll tell you that.

- Any day of the week.
- Yeah, you're a little slow.

I line my ball up,
I look, I hit it.

Hey, Lar, did I tell you
that we hired a decorator
for the new house?

I'm going up to meet her
Sunday in San Francisco.

Jeff, you're taking me
to the airport, 1:00.

Don't forget.
Don't make any plans.

- Airport-- oh, God.
- Why does he have to take you
to the airport?

- He's gotta see me off.
- See you off?

You're not going to India.
You're going to San Francisco!

- It's an hour away.
- So what?

See you off?
You'll be back that night.

You know what, Larry,
it's not surprising to me

that you're
the only one of this group
who's here as a single...

- ( chuckles ) Oh, yeah.
- ...with no girlfriend,
no wife.

Maybe if you would've seen
Cheryl off a few more times,

- you'd still be together.
- I don't think so.

- He wants to, trust me.
- No, trust me, he doesn't.

- Jeff, do you want to?
- No.

- Well, you're going to.
- You know why you're
doing this?

- Why, Larry?
- Because you wanna
ruin his day, that's why.

Susie:
Okay, Kreskin.
Could read my mind.

You think you know
what goes on

in the complexities
of my brain

and who I am.

- The complexities
of who you are?
- Mm-hmm.

Who are you?
You're a Jew from the Bronx!

Jeff:
I can't wait
to see her off.

- I really like your friends.
- They're very lovely people.

Okay!

Please do not sit
on the arm of the chair.

Dinner is served.

- Yeah, all right.
- Susie: Yay, yay.

- Jeff: Yeah!
- I like it.

- Did you fucking catch that?
- I caught it!

What the fuck?

Oh, oh, oh.
Honey, you forgot
your drink.

Thanks.

Susie:
Oh, Marilyn,
the table's gorgeous!

- Hey.
- Huh?

You ever called her
honey before?

I doubt it.
No.

How many dates
have you been on?

- Two.
- Pssh!

You just gave
a premature honey.

I gotta tell you
something.

- A premature honey?
- Yeah.

Premature,
too soon for honey.

Honey's way down
the line.

You gotta spend
a weekend together

or something in the country
before you can jump to honey.

I know what
you're trying to do,

you're trying to jump ahead
with the relationship.

But it doesn't work.
You got caught.

- You're blowing this
way out of proportion.
- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- She doesn't care,
Dr. Phil.
- Okay.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

- I think
you made a big mistake.
- Everything is cool, man.

Can I take
a moment, please?

On behalf of my adorable
new girlfriend,

thank you for
a delicious dinner.

- Thank you for coming.
- Cheers.

Richard:
Cheers. Prego.

Marty, cheers.

- Marty: Health, happiness.
- So nice to meet you.

- Thank you for having us.
- Marty: Yes, very nice.

- You can't clink, Larry?
- Why do I have to clink?

Because it's a custom
that people do,

- which is friendly and nice.
- It's a stupid custom.

What does it mean,
the clinking?

- Oh.
- Richard: Cheers.

Mmm.

You know, you pick up
a knife like this,
a steak knife,

you get the urge--
I do-- that I wanna--

I wanna stab--
I wanna stab with it.

- Oh?
- Jeff: Really?

Yeah, 'cause
you pick up a baseball bat,
you wanna swing it.

You pick up a tennis ball,
you wanna throw it.

When you have a--
a knife,

you wanna stab,
do you not?

- Yeah, a little bit.
- Huh? Know what they
should have?

- Richard: What's that?
- A stabbing range.

- Richard: Get out of here.
- Yeah, a stabbing range
where you can stab--

- stab dummies.
- Richard: Wow.

Larry:
You'd feel good.
You'd feel good.

Where would
the stabbing range be?

- In the Valley.
- ( all laughing )

What do you think,
Marilyn?

The knife--
do you feel like
stabbing somebody?

Yeah, I feel like
stabbing someone.

Hmm, interesting.

Richard:
This is fantastic food.

- Thank you.
- It really is.

Woman:
Yeah, I can never
get my potatoes like that.

- Marilyn: Mmm.
- Woman: They're really good.

What is this, tap?

Yes, it is.

Larry:
No filter?

No filter.
Tap water.

Huh, interesting.

Surprised you don't
have a filter.

You have no filter.

- ( chuckles )
Huh, that's-- yeah.
- Isn't it obvious?

- That's true.
- You just say whatever
comes into your mind.

You don't really modulate
your inner feelings
at all, do you?

It's a good thing for me,
but it's a bad thing for water.

Excuse me,
I smell something burning.

- Richard: LD.
- Hmm?

Goldfish
would commit suicide
in this water.

( scoffs ) Yeah!
Wha-- how come you didn't
say that when she was there?

You know, I'm a guest.
I don't know.

You're like Fred MacMurray
in "The Caine Mutiny"

when he and Van Johnson
go to see the admiral,

then Fred MacMurray
gets cold feet and
he backs out.

That's a movie,
this is real life.

In real life,
you're polite
to your hostess.

Of course, you're polite.
And why wouldn't you be?

There's a hostess,
and you have...

- Jeff: That's pretty good.
- ( laughter )

Larry:
Sure, sure,
the water, the water.

By the way,
I'm not the only one
who can't stand it.

Can't stand what?

Well, Marty
likes my water.

( slurping )

- ( muffled ) Very good.
- See?

You're really
the only person

who has a problem
with the water.

You know, it's just water.
What are you so sensitive about?

I want you to go.

( chuckles )
I'm getting kicked out?

- Marilyn: Yeah, I think...
- You're kicking me out?

Yeah, I think
you should leave.

This is unbelievable.
Okay.

Well, it was fun.
We-- we really--

- It was not fun.
- No, it wasn't.

I leave my knife

and I bid you adieu.

( whistling tune )

You guys, look! Ah!

- Boy: Hey, bald fuck!
- Kids: Bald fuck!

Blow me, blow me!

( kids shouting )

Larry:
You wash it!
You wash it!

Blow me,
bald fuck!

Shut up!
Shut up!

Richard:
Oh, you were right, Larry.

I blew it
with Rhonda.

I told you it was
a premature honey.

And she's been cold
ever since.

- Yeah, it was bad.
- I said honey.

- What's the big deal?
- I told them no mushrooms
in this thing.

- I said
no mushrooms, all right?
- I've lost a potential bride,

and you're talking
about salad?

- I blew it.
- You saw-- you saw
a wife there

and you seized on it
with a honey, right?

- That's what you did.
- It was a seize.

- You seized.
- I did seize.

- You did seize.
- So, what do I do?

- I don't know.
- ( phone chimes )

Oh, great.

It's from Rhonda.

"We need to talk."

- Oh.
- I'm through.

You're done.

What ever comes good
after "we need to talk"?

- Nothing.
- You ever hear this?
"We need to talk.

I'm taking you
to Cancun."

- No, that's not happening.
- Is that gonna happen?

- No. No.
- That's not gonna happen.

- What do I do, man?
- Server: Can I get you
a refill?

- Okay.
- What do I do?

I got an idea.
Text her back.

Tell her to come meet you
at the restaurant.

- Why?
- When she comes in,

you start calling
everybody honey.

- I do what?
- Call everybody honey--

the waitresses, the manager,
customers, everyone.

- Why?
- Because--
'cause you're a guy

who just uses
the word honey a lot.

- You mean it's part of
my working vocabulary?
- Yes! Yes!

And what would that
mean to her?

That means that she's just
part of the honey parade.

- So, I just
call everybody honey?
- You call everybody honey.

- I like the honey parade.
- Huh?

- All right,
I'll have her come down.
- Yeah.

Larry:
There, she's coming.
There she is.

- Where?
- There.

- Oh, boy.
- Larry, I didn't know
you were gonna be here.

- Hi!
- Hi.

Hi. Oh,
hold on a second.

Honey, do you mind
if I grab a chair?

- Thank you, honey.
- Oh, no, I don't--
um, thanks.

I just--
I could come back.

I just wanted to have
just, like, a quick
conversation.

I don't wanna interrupt
a whole thing.

No, you're not
interrupting anything.

Excuse me, honey.
Can I get...

- What-- what do you want?
- Oh, I'll just have a coffee.

A black coffee,
honey.

That's all you want?
Are you hungry?

Uh, well,
I wasn't planning
on staying that long,

- but maybe--
maybe I'll get a sand--
- Oh, honey, right here.

- The coffee.
- Oh, thank you so much.

Honey, can you bring
a turkey burger
and some fries?

Thanks, honey.
Hey, hon!

You know, honey,
can we get an extra napkin?

Hey, could I get
some coffee, honey?

- Mm-hmm.
- Honey? Honey?

Thank you, honey.

Could we get
the check, honey?

Thank you,
honey.

- Thank you.
- So, what did you
wanna talk about?

Oh, just I'm free
on Friday night now

and wanted to see
if you wanted to do
something together.

Pick me up at work?
I'll be done around 8:00.

Then we'll have
just one car.

- Uh, yeah.
- Great!

- Where do you work?
- Uh, I work at Neiman Marcus.

- Is that so?
- Yeah.

- Huh.
- I am a sales professional
on the men's floor.

If you ever want any help,
let me know.

Now that
you mention it,

I could actually use
a couple of pairs of pants.

Call me anytime.
Seriously, stop by.

- I'm going to.
- Great, give him my number.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Larry, it's great to see you.
- Good to see you again.

- Vey good to see you, Larry.
- Always a pleasure.

Do you want me to leave
any money for this?

- Are you taking
care of it? Okay.
- It's all right.

- It's all right.
- He's a good guy.

- To us.
- Oh! What do you
wanna do on Friday?

Anything you want,
honey.

( phone chimes )

Oh.

You wanna go
to the Rams game
on Sunday with Rob?

He's got
extra tickets.

I'd love to go
to the Rams game
on Sunday.

- Gotta take Susie
to the airport.
- ( scoffs )

She's ridiculous!

- All right,
I got an idea.
- What?

Accidental text
on purpose.

Please explain.

You're sending
a text to me,

but it goes to her
"by accident."

- Uh-huh.
- And in the text,
you say,

"Hey, LD, I'd love
to go to the game,

but I'm taking Susie
to the airport.

I don't wanna
disappoint her.

We're getting along
so great."

- And it goes to her...
- It goes to her.

- ...but it was meant to you.
- Meant to me!

- Saying how great Susie is...
- How great Susie is.

- ...and how much
I love her.
- Yeah.

You, sir,
are an amazing man.

- I am texting Susie right now.
- Oh, here they are.

- Larry, Jeff.
- Hello.

- Thanks for letting me
join you guys.
- Sure.

- Yeah.
- You should see
this guy on the range.

- What's your handicap?
- 10.

- What are you?
- 15.

We should
make it interesting,
play for some cheddar.

- Sure.
- Yeah? 200?

- Okay, you're on.
- Great.

I pick up a knife,
I have an urge to stab.

But it's a stupid thing
to say at a dinner table.

And then you made
such a deal over
the goddamn filter.

- Terrible water.
- But you didn't have
to say anything about it.

How could you not comment
on water that's so bad?

Okay, I've done
everything I can
to get her back.

I sent her flowers-- boom--
shredded on my doorstep.

I mean,
I don't know
what to do.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Both:
Oh!

- Accidental text on purpose!
- Accidental text.
Oh, my God.

- Tell him.
- Okay, here's what you do.

You send me a text,

but you accidentally
send it to her on purpose.

And in the text,
you say something like,

"Hey, Larry,
you were an asshole
the other night.

There's nothing
wrong with her water.
It's perfectly okay."

Say anything you want.
Curse me, anything.
I don't care.

Okay, I've never
said this to you before.

- Yeah.
- You're brilliant.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Right, right?!

I invented this.
I invented this.

Jeff:
He already
did it for me.

"Dear Larry..."

- I can say
anything I want!
- Anything!

"Larry, you were
so out of line

the other night about
the water."

- Yes!
- "If Marilyn didn't
throw you out, I would've."

- Marty: Perfect!
- ( text whooshes )

Damn it!

He's had
some bad luck today.

Jeff:
All right,
there we go.

- Larry: Oh, that's nice.
- Marty: Here it comes.

- Jeff: All right.
- Hey, where do you lie?

Uh, four.

- ( phone chimes )
- Marty: Look!

She texted me
right back.

"I love you.

I know this is
not meant for me.

What a great man
to stick up for me
like that."

- Unbelievable.
- Thank you.

- Unbelievable.
- Huh?

- Brilliant!
- Get the flag, Jeff?

Yep.

Well, you're
playing great today.

No, I'm having
a bad day.

Beautiful.

- Oh!
- Beautiful!

Oh!

- Is that a birdie?
- Beautiful.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, guys, I hate to do this.

I got a medical emergency.
I gotta get to Cedars.

- We only have three more holes.
- No, we got a medical
emergency here.

Wait, wait.
What are you talking about?

You owe me $200.
Pay up.

It's an emergency.
I'm a doctor.

You weren't a doctor
on the plane.

I gotta go.
A patient needs me.

Oh, boy,
you're down three
with three to play.

Oh, so when you're losing money,
you heed the call, is that it?

You know what that is?

Selective heeding,
that's what that is!

You didn't get
any text anyway.

It was all bullshit!

- Enigma?
- What the fuck?!

- Whoa! Oh!
- ( thuds )

- Jesus Christ!
- God!

- Crazy!
- ( huffs )

It's just perfume.

...out of nowhere,
right in my face,
spritzing me.

- They're the worst.
- Come on, what is that?
What a violation.

You know what,
they'll usually
go away, though,

if you just
wave them away.

- Did you wave her away?
- Sort of, yeah.

Here, do you like
this color?

- Yeah, yeah,
that's good.
- Yeah.

- All right,
let's try these.
- Okay.

By the way, I wanted
to let you know

I was very impressed
that you said something
about the water the other day.

Well, thank you
for saying so.

It's hard to, you know,
get in front of a group

and-- and say
what everyone's thinking
when it's uncomfortable.

You know,
I had no problem.

Now, I got you
32 and 30.

- Okay.
- What do you
wanna start with?

- Eh, 32.
- All right.

- Here's the 32.
- These look very nice, yeah.

All right.

Oh, okay.

( music playing )

Leon:
Yeah, he's
in the kitchen.

- Look who's here.
- Hey.

Oh, for God's sake.

Look at this.

My lace just broke.

You-- and you know what,
there's no extra laces
in the house.

Do you have extra laces
in your house?

No, nobody does.

I don't know why people
don't stock up on them.

- They stock up
on canned food.
- Hey, we got a problem.

Marilyn told me
she saw you in Neiman Marcus

- push the spritz girl.
- Of course I did.

What do you mean
of course you did?

I got attacked
and I pushed.

You don't push
a spritzer lady!

You're out
of your fucking mind!

It's a violation!
You don't just go up to people

and spritz them
in the face like that.

It's a violation.

We have a very big
problem now.

Marilyn is not
happy with you.

You know what
I gotta do now?

I gotta go through
and rewind--

Let's hold on
to that thought
for a minute, okay?

I think
I could fix this.

Will you listen
to me, please?

- You wet the end...
- I don't care about that.

...and you just do this.

Marilyn said to me

I have to make
a choice.

It's either Larry David
or Marilyn.

She gave you
an ultimatum?

An ultimatum.

- Who'd you pick?
- I took Marilyn.

I would've made
the same decision.

Let's face it,
at this point in our lives,

it's-- it's not so easy
to find people to
have sex with us.

Leon:
Hey, vagina always wins.

I lost a brother
to a vagina.

He's quite a feminist,
isn't he?

Vagina got his ass.

Goodbye.

So, if I run into you,
are you gonna talk to me

or is this--
this is the last words
we're ever gonna exchange?

I can't talk to you anymore.
I'm gonna miss you.

So, when I see you
at the club dinner
tomorrow night,

- no communication
there whatsoever?
- She said to me,

"If you communicate
with him, I'm gone."

Oh, hey, LD,
that Sophia Loren.
( kisses )

- Whoo!
- You saw her movie?

Mm-hmm.
"Marriage Italian Style."

- Three times.
- I told you, right?

- Gorgeous.
- Gorgeous.
Fuckin' beautiful.

Yeah. Oh, jeez.

Ugh, my pants
are ready.

Now I gotta go see
that Rhonda.

- Something up
with that girl.
- Mm-hmm.

This woman likes me.
Lewis's date.

- How do you know?
- Well, she was quite taken

with my water stance
the other night

and she wouldn't get out
of the dressing room

- when I--
when I was changing.
- She likes you.

Yeah, and I gotta
go back there tomorrow
to pick up my pants.

- You gonna hit it?
- No, I'm a loyal friend.

When women give me
an ultimatum,

"Who are you gonna choose,
me or your friend?"

I say, "I'm gonna
choose my friend."

- That's it.
- Why do you
have to do this?

You dumped me.
You chose somebody over me.

- I didn't dump anyone.
- Okay.

I'm trying to say goodbye
and end this.

Okay, goodbye.

See ya.
See ya, Leon.

- All right, get out.
- Don't keep talking.

- You're standing there.
- I'm leaving.

- Okay, well, go.
- Okay, I'm gonna leave.

- I'm waiting.
- We're not playing last word.

- No.
- One, two, three.

- Bye.
- Bye.

( sighs )

- One, two, three.
- Both: Bye...

- "Ay."
- No, don't do that.

Both:
Goodbye.

( clatters )

- Hey, Larry.
- Hey.

I got your pants.
You're all paid for.

Oh, great, great.

All right,
now we just try them on.

- Come on.
- Oh, um,

I-- I don't need
to try them on.

- I can just, you know.
- Larry, you gotta try them on.

They got shortened.
We gotta see if they're--

That's not necessary.
I'll just take them.

It's just gonna take a minute.
We'll be good.

I actually
changed my mind about--
I didn't want the pants.

These pants look
amazing on you.

- Come on.
- It's not really necessary.

- I don't need
to try on the pants--
- Larry, you're trying on pants.

Right.

I think these
lay great.

- Do you like that break
on your sneaker?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- ( phone chimes )
- I think that looks good.

I think it's pretty--
oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.

We have a new tailor.
He does amazing work.

( music playing )

Rhonda:
I think that looks
pretty good.

Yeah, yeah.

And the hem
is right.

I think
that looks good.

( gasps )

Oh, my God!

- Oh!
- Larry!

- Oh! Oh, I'm-- no!
- Oh!

( stammering )
No! That's not from you.

That-- that's from
Sophia Loren.

Why was it in my face?

Because it was an accident!
It was an accidental erection.

- What?
- It was an accident.

No, an accident
is tripping on a step,

and then also
the Titanic going down.

Yeah, but just the way
the Titanic went down,
this thing went up.

It's the same--
it's the same thing.
They're both accidents.

So, you're saying your penis
is like the Titanic?

In a manner of speaking, yes.
I think they're-- they're
comparable.

This is-- this is
really unprofessional.

- I'm very
uncomfortable right now.
- Oh, this is unprofessional?

You think I'm comfortable
when you're standing in
the dressing room

when I'm changing
my pants?

It's called
a concierge service.

I've never heard of that
before in my life.

I'd like you
to leave, Larry.

- I'll go, yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay. May--
may I have my pants?

Here.

You know, I gotta say,
the waist is a little big.

Get out.

I'll wear them with a belt.
I'll put a belt on.

- ( TV playing )
- What's the score?

14-7.

( phone chimes )

( scoffs )
This Dr. Winocur
I was telling you about?

So, get a load of this.

"Hi, Mrs. Downing,
it's Dr. Winocur.

Even though I had to cut
my round of golf short,

I'm glad I saw you
the other day.

Be sure to take
all the medicine
as I prescribed it."

- Another accidental...
- Both: Text on purpose.

- Wow. Unbelievable.
- Unbelievable.

This is some doctor.

They should take
this guy's license away.

He was on a plane,
there was an emergency,
he didn't help out.

Person fucking choking,
having pains in their chest,
you get the fuck up.

- You've sworn
to a Hippocratic Oath.
- Sworn to it. Get the fuck up.

Unless they got diarrhea
or some shit like that.

If they announced that,
"Hey, we've got a passenger
who has diarrhea

and it's uncontrollable
and it's all over
the fucking place,"

I can see the person
sitting there and,
"Actually, fuck that.

I don't feel like dealing
with diarrhea right now."

( music playing )

Marty:
I think you're gonna
have a good time.

Marilyn:
I hope so.
( laughs )

Marty:
I like that outfit you wore.
I really do.

There's Larry.

Just go inside. Ignore him.
Do not give him attention.

Ignore him?
That's a 14-foot-long cock.

( piano music playing )

- Richard: Hey, pervert.
- Hey.

So you get an erection
in the dressing room
with Rhonda.

- How lovely.
- No, Leon sent me a video
of an old Sophia Loren movie

from the '60s,
and that's what caused it.

Rhonda had nothing
to do with it.

- Leon sent you a movie--
- Yes, yeah.

You know how
these things happen.

- They-- they just occur.
- Oh, they just occur?

Just like you drew a giant cock
on the side of your car.

He drew a penis
on my car?

- Fuckin' A...
- My God!

...it's 12 feet long.

- This guy's unbelievable.
- Who? What guy?

I don't know.
I'm having a fight
with this guy.

He's drawing stuff
on my car, messages.

He's telling me
to wash it, and--

Oh, I don't know what
you're fucking talking about.

- Now he drew a penis--
- What, did you co-write
"Alice in Wonderland"?

- You're a fucking nutcase.
- Oh, you think I'm making
that up?

You think I go around
drawing penises on my car?

- I'd have to be in Bellevue.
- She gave me an ultimatum.

It's either you
or her.

Funkhouser's girlfriend
did the same thing.

I know. Everybody
has heard about it,
believe me.

Who'd you choose?

- I chose her.
- Huh.

So, listen,
just stay away
from my girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

Oh, dear.
Premature girlfriend.

- Oh, no,
I know-- no, no, no.
- Listen, Richard,

you know what,
I think we're just looking
for other things right now.

I call everybody girlfriend.
It's a thing of mine.

Hi, girlfriend.
Girlfriend, hi.

Honey!
Honey, come on.

- Please, come on.
- Oh, this is nice.

Oh, well, well.

- Look who's here.
- Nathan: Hey, Larry.

- You remember Bebe.
- Hi.

- Oh, my, hi.
Who could forget Bebe?
- Good to see you.

We hit it off
at baggage claim.

You hit it off
at baggage claim.

- What a beautiful story.
- Nathan: Yeah.

By the way, I got that,
uh, "accidental text"
you sent me.

I didn't
send you a text.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I think you know you did.

- Oh, I sent one
to Laura Downing.
- Oh, yeah.

- Larry David.
- David. The Ds.

- Yeah, yeah.
- They're very close, they...

Yeah, it was
an accident, Larry.
Trust me, please.

- And, Bebe...
- Mm-hmm.

I would be remiss
if I didn't inquire
about your condition.

You know, every day
is a struggle.

- Mmm.
- But today, I'm doing good,
thank you.

Good to hear.

Are you sure that was
an accidental text?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Are you sure you have
a bladder condition?

- Yeah, I'm sure.
- ( scoffs )

( music playing )

Okay.

- Come on, Bebe.
- Yeah.

- ( glass clinking )
- Man: Welcome, everyone.

Thank you for
coming to celebrate

Tip McDougal's
25 years on the links.

- ( applause )
- We're gonna start
in just a couple minutes,

so, uh, you know,
have a drink,

relax, make yourself
comfortable.

We'll be back
in just a couple.

- Hey, everyone.
- Hey!

So, what the fuck
with the penis on your car?

I don't know.
I think somebody
on my block drew it.

- Jeff: Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- That is so inappropriate.
- Oh, God.

Susie:
Hi, Richie.

- Hey.
- How you doing?

- Where's Rhonda?
- She left.

Huh. You did
the premature girlfriend.

You can't say
"girlfriend"

until you've
dated somebody
12, 15 times.

Yeah. Marilyn, am I right?
It's gotta be...

Yeah, yeah. Ah.

Hey, Funk Man, would you, uh--
would you mind passing
the bread this way?

Would you mind asking Marty
to pass the bread?

Marty, please
pass me the bread.
I'm famished.

Marilyn,
just for tonight,

would-- could you
give him an exemption

from the no-talking rule
that you've imposed?

- No.
- Just for tonight
so we can all have some fun.

- No.
- We're at
the same table--

Exemption denied.

Okay.

Hey, this
is fun, huh?

I'm having
the time of my life.

( muffled )
This is really a blast.

Too bad we're gonna
have to leave early.

I gotta pack.
San Francisco.

And Jeff's driving me
to the airport, you know.

- ( sighs )
- Think I was gonna buy
that bullshit accidental text?

( mocking )
"Oh, I love my wife so much

and-- and I'll miss
the football game."

You think I bought that
"accidental text on purpose"?

What-- what is
an accidental text
on purpose?

You send
somebody a text,

pretending it to be
to somebody else

so they think they're
reading a private text.

But, really,
what they're trying to do

is give you
the information

that they want to
manipulate you with.

- It's bullshit.
- Huh.

Did you send me
an accidental text
on purpose?

Oh...

You did.
That was a bullshit text.

Marty:
I-- I don't
remember that.

Do you like
my water?

I-- you know,
I really don't--
I don't remember doing that.

Do you like my water?

I can't stand
your water.

I can't--
I don't even know
what to say.

It's like I took a straw
and put it in a frog's ass.

It makes me sick!

I wanna barf
every time I get near it.

I can't stand the smell,
I can't stand the color,

and I cannot
stand the taste.

I can't take it
anymore!

You know what,
talk to him all you want.

Wow, you're the only guy
at this table

that could hold on
to a woman.

- ( glass clinking )
- ( chuckles )

- ( applause )
- Thank you, everyone,
for coming tonight

to honor Tip McDougal
and his lovely wife, Nancy.

( chuckles )
We're losing a beloved member
of the Ocean View family.

- All: Aw.
- Tip, we'll miss you.

But in retirement,
maybe Tip will finally
be able to play some golf.

- ( laughter )
- We had so many
great times with Tip

and some rough ones, too.

But he was mostly
on the fairway.

I remember one time
on the 18th hole,
he had knocked...

Larry, I hate
to even bother you with this,
but I'm on in two minutes.

This guy just took my joke.
Can you help me out?

What are you talking about?
This is a comedy emergency.

- I'm off duty.
- Why won't you help me?

You didn't heed
the call on the plane.

You welched
on a $200 bet.

You sent me
an accidental text
on purpose.

I invented
the accidental text, okay?

Yeah, go back to your table.
Get out. Go back.

And, you...

You've been
drinking water all night,

haven't made one trip
to the bathroom.

Not one trip.
I've been clocking you.

Sir. Sir!
I have a condition.

Yeah, you have
a condition, all right.

You're a psychopath
who uses a weak bladder
to take advantage of people.

But first,
the funniest doc
on the links,

- Dr. Nathan Winocur.
- ( cheering, applause )

Man:
Come on up here.

You're gonna love
this guy.

( music playing )

Larry.

Hey.
It's Dave.

- Oh! Hey.
- Three houses down.

- How are you?
- Yeah, yeah, good, good.

It's really good
to see you here, Larry.

Yeah, good--
good to see you.

Yeah.
I love the car wash.

- Oh, my God, yeah.
- Right?

It's just endlessly
fascinating, you know?

It comes down
on a conveyer,

the brushes,
the water.

- You feel like
you wanna go through it.
- That's right.

- You know?
- That's exactly right.

I look at a dirty car,
Larry, and I feel sorry
for it.

It's almost like
it's screaming out,

"Wash me!

Wash me."

- Good to see you, Larry.
- Yeah.

( theme music playing )

Namaste means "the light within
me greets the light within you."

There is no light within me.
That's the only problem there.

♪ (ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Kinda took a gamble
picking you up...

-with that one-star rating.
-I'm not one-star. I'm a five.

Uber says you're a one, buddy.

-What?
-Yeah.

-One-star Larry is really...
-LARRY DAVID: Ah, okay.

-...really not a popular guy.
-Yeah, all right. Okay.

I have a friend who asked
as a favor

-if I could set her up with you.
-She good looking?

-Bridgette? Beautiful.
-Really?

Not only is she
a beautiful woman....

but more important...

-Inner beauty.
-That I'm not interested in.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪