All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm S09E03 A Disturbance In The Kitchen 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb (1)_track3_[und]

( theme music playing )

- ( chatter )
- Larry: Where's our food?

It's-- the service
of this place,
it's horrible.

- Taking a year.
- I know.

- What the hell?
- I know.

I confirmed it,
by the way.

Cheryl and Ted
are a thing.

They went
to Hawaii together.

- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Jeez.
- So, this is really hard
to look at.

Yeah, well,
how do you think I feel?

- You think I enjoy it?
- Okay.

I never should've
done that show.

That "Kimmel" show.

God damn it.

Hi, I'm the manager.

There's been a delay
in your meals.

I'm very sorry.

There's been
a disturbance
in the kitchen.

But we're taking
care of it.
Thanks.

Well, what kind
of disturbance?

A general disturbance.

( laughing )
What's a general
disturbance?

Well, let's just say
it was a minor hiccup.

Well, was it a hiccup
or a disturbance?

It's such
a small disturbance,

it might be either one.

What, it's like--
was the chef angry

or did somebody drop
some pots and pans?

- What happened?
- Let's just say
the disturbance happened.

Okay, that's a fact,

- and we're taking
care of it, okay?
- ( laughs )

Are you listening
to this?

- Wait a second.
- I am.

How come you won't tell me
what the disturbance was?

Oh, well, that's
a very good question,

- and I'm on top of it.
- Well, thank you.

I'm glad you thought
it was a good question

because it was
a really atrocious answer.

- Well, I beg to differ.
- Let me ask you
this question.

How in God's name
did you get this job?

- I am great at dealing with
these disturbances. Yes.
- Yes, really?

I'm asking that
because you come off
as quite a goofball.

I'm gonna take that
as a compliment.

It's not.

Delicious meal,
by the way.

Did I mention that?
Oh, gosh, I'm jealous.

Is there any question
that you will answer?

Because you haven't
answered one question yet.

For example,
what color is your tie?

- Let me just say this.
- Uh-huh.

- I am wearing a tie.
- Yes, you are.

- What color is it?
- I believe the tie
is self-evident.

- So, the color is there.
- ( hand thuds )

- Okay.
- Okay, great.

- All right.
- Thank you.

( scoffs )

What the hell was that?

Why wouldn't he tell me
what it was?

- What's the big secret?
- I don't know.

- I'm going
to the bathroom.
- All right.

( music playing )

- Excuse me.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

The restroom's down
the hallway.

- Are you the chef?
- Yes. Yes, I am.

Oh, okay--
( stutters )

I was sitting
at my table,

the manager
came over to us

and said the food
was gonna be delayed

because
there was a disturbance
in the kitchen.

Oh, yes, I'm sorry
about that, sir.

There was
a small disturbance
in the kitchen,

but if you go have a seat,
we'll get your food
right out to you.

Yeah, I know, thanks.

That's okay.
I mean, everything's fine.

I was just wondering,

you know,
what the disturbance was.

Regular
kitchen disturbance.

They happen all the time.
Nothing to worry about.

You mean somebody
dropped pots and pans
or something?

- Is that what happened?
- It's not that big
of a deal, sir.

It was a minor disturbance
that we have since
taken care of.

- Minor?
- It was perfectly minor.

If it was, then my food
would not have been delayed
by 15 minutes.

- A slight delay in your food.
- It was more than
a slight delay.

- Sir. Sir.
- Tell the truth
about the disturbance.

It wasn't minor,
it was major.

What is this,
an investigation?

This is a kitchen, sir.

I'm just trying
to get some food
to some hungry people.

That's all I wanna do.
And then I wanna go home.

- Are you a married man?
- Yes.

- Do you have children?
- Yes.

All right, so you're
having a wonderful afternoon
with the wife and kids,

you go out
to the post office
to get the mail.

You come back,
you hear a big crash,
you open the door,

and your kids
are sprawled out,
unconscious on the floor.

You say to your wife,
"What happened?"

And she goes,
"Oh, there was
a disturbance."

And you go, "What was
the disturbance?"

She goes, "No,
I don't wanna tell you."
How would you feel?

- I would want to know
what the disturbance was.
- That's exactly right!

That's a very specific
situation, sir!

You'd want to know
what the disturbance was,
just like me!

There's no children here!

- ( stuttering )
- You're acting like a child.

You're the child who's
keeping a little secret.

- Yes.
- You got a little secret.

- No, no, I'm the parent.
- Oh!

I'm the parent
who has to worry
about all the things.

- I gotta worry about
getting the food...
- No.

...preparing the food,
and then giving it to you--

No, you're the little baby
who won't tell Daddy
what happened.

- Please leave, sir.
- With pleasure.

All right, fine.

I'm coming!
Bye.

- We gotta go.
- What?

Yeah, Susie's little sister
didn't come home last night.

- Little sister?
- You know, she's part of that

big sister, little sister
mentoring program.

- Oh.
- The girl's
staying with us,

and she didn't
come home last night.

- Can I help you
with anything?
- No, we're good.

- We're leaving.
- That whole disturbance
thing threw us for a loop.

Well, yeah,
I'm taking care of it.

We're too disturbed
to eat right now.

Wow, look at this thing.

New Tesla.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

- Whose is it?
- Ted.

Holy cow.

She didn't come home.
I don't know where
the hell she is.

I've called everybody.
What can I do?

- Oh, finally.
Jeff, she's not back!
- I know, I'm sorry.

- Come here, I wanna
show you the tapes.
- Hi, Ted Danson.

Yeah, it's me, asshole.

Okay?
It's my fatwa disguise.

- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- ( laughs )
- He was at the hotel.

I'm sorry,
were you just at a hotel
in the Marina, following us?

- You were
following us, weren't you?
- I was not following you.

I was in the hotel.
That's where I was hiding.

Why didn't you say hi?

I was going to,
but I had to talk
to the hotel manager

about the pickle jar.

- The pickle jar?
- The pickle jar.

Yeah, everybody wants
to open a pickle jar.

- Don't you wanna
open a pickle jar?
- Cheryl: Okay.

- Could you get me some
sparkling water, please?
- Yes.

Oh, and T, can you get
a lemon with that, please?

T? Oh, "T"?

- What is that?
It's unseemly.
- It's short for Ted.

You never gave me
any little nicknames.

Could've called me L.
You didn't call me L.

You didn't call me D.

You could've
called me "Elvid."

- I'm sorry, "Elvid"?
- Yeah, "Elvid."

- As a term of endearment?
- Yeah.

Like, "Let's spoon,
Elvid"?

- Yeah, "Elvid."
- Okay.

You know what?
Enough with this bullshit,
all right?

Enough with the nicknames.
Nobody gives a shit.

We're looking
for my little sister.
We have to find her.

She's 15.
How do you know
she's gone?

She's probably
at her boyfriend's house.

Susie:
She doesn't have
a boyfriend.

This kid, Larry, oh!
She is so talented.

- You think Sammi
was talented at her age?
- No, I don't.

Oh, stop it!
Look at this.

Look at this tape.
Look at that dancing.

- ( music playing )
- Huh? Is that amaz--
look at her, oh.

Larry:
Got attitude.

It's wonderful.
Okay, I've seen plenty.

Thank you, I got it.

I get it.
I got it.

What do you get?
You don't get shit.

- I got it.
- All right,
we gotta find the kid!

- What, do you want me to watch
the whole dance recital?
- Yes, I do, all right?

- We're gonna form
a search party and find her.
- A search party?

What are we,
in Tulsa, Oklahoma,
in 1870?

Find her!
Let's go.

- Everybody, split up.
- Yes.

Cheryl:
Let's go.
Split up.

I thought
you were okay
with this.

- What's going on, man?
- Hey, do me a favor.

- Yeah.
- Can I look for the kid
in your Tesla?

I'd like to drive it.

- All right, okay.
- Thanks, T.

( music playing )

Come on.

( horn honking )

( sighs )

- What?
- ( car door closes )

- What?
- I don't appreciate
that beep, sir.

Oh, well, you know,
the light had turned green

and I gave you time.

You must've drifted off
or something.

- No, I didn't drift.
- Were you daydreaming?

No, I was doing
important police business.

Well, with all due respect,
a green light is not the time

to be doing
police business.

Sir, I don't appreciate

the aggressiveness
of the beep.

Oh, yeah, well,
you know what?

This is my friend's car
and I'm not really attuned

to the subtleties
of the horn yet.

It was merely
just a reminder beep,
a subtle way of telling you,

"Time to go.

Let's get moving.
Move it on."

License and registration,
please.

- I'm gonna write you
a ticket.
- A ticket?

It was a bad decision
on your part to honk
at a police officer.

Oh, what-- why?
Are you above the beep?

Absolutely.
I'm a police officer.
I protect your rights.

My rights to beep.

- That's one of my rights.
- Yeah, but you don't--

Beeping, that's a right.

That's America.
We're allowed to beep.

Yeah? Well, I'm allowed
to write this ticket.

- ( sighs )
- Good. Write it.

You getting smart
with me, boy?

I'm not getting smart.
I am smart, by the way.

- I'm smart.
- Yeah.

And of course I'll be
protesting this ticket.

I hope you enjoy
your day in court.

Here you go.
Have a nice day.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

You made my day.
No one's above the beep.

No one!

( music playing )

( cards shuffling )

( exhales )

- Mm.
- They're not coming.

No.

- They're not coming.
- No.

- ( bottles clinking )
- Not even a text.

You know why?
They're afraid to be
on the text chain.

- Yep.
- 'Cause of the fatwa.

Mm-hmm.

That's fucked up.

They are really showing
their true colors.

They don't have no colors.

They're white.
There's no fucking color.

I should just
have over black friends.

If you want,
I'll go over there
and fuck somebody ass up.

I'll take Swat over there.

I seen Swat kick
a motherfucker one night

and broke
his fucking back
like this.

He turned
that motherfucker
into a human wallet.

What did the guy do?

Motherfucker
started mumbling.

The one thing
you don't wanna do

around Swat is to speak
under your breath.

I can't mumble at all?
I like to mumble.

Don't mumble about him.

Hey, let me
ask you a question.

Have you seen
my sunglasses?

My-- you know,
my Dr. Strangelove
sunglasses?

I know what you're
talking about, but, no,
I haven't seen them.

I've been looking
all over for them.
I love those glasses.

( kitchenware
clattering )

Swat, God damn!

What the fuck's
going on in there, man?

I'm cooking, man.
Nothing going on.
Just cooking.

You're causing
a fucking disturbance.

Yeah, yeah,
you're making
a disturbance.

This ain't no disturbance.
I'm cooking chicken spaghetti.

No, it's not
up to you to say whether
it's a disturbance or not.

We're the ones
being disturbed.
It's our call.

( muttering )
Yeah. No, he wasn't making
a fucking disturbance, was he?

- That's not a disturbance.
- What the fuck you say?

( normal voice )
Oh... no, it's his turn
to deal.

We're playing War.

We're playing cards.

- I just fucking told you,
don't talk under your breath.
- ( phone chiming )

You wanna get fucked up?

Okay, well, this is
the coup de grâce.

They canceled golf
on Saturday.

( sighs )
Oh, man, I can't live
like this anymore.

I just can't.

There's only one man
who could help me.

( music playing )

- Man over intercom: Yes?
- Yeah, it's Larry David.

( gate buzzes )

- Mr. David?
- Yes, sir.

We've been expecting you.
Please come in.

Okay.

And if you'd
follow me.

This way.

Mr. David
is here now, sir.

Oh, Mr. David, come in.
Please have a seat.

Thank you.
Thank you for seeing me,
Mr. Rushdie.

- No, call me Salman.
- It's not "Salmon"?

- "Saul-mahn."
- Salman? There's an accent
on the second syllable.

Exactly.
Now, tell me
why you're here.

Oh, well,
I'm sure you, uh--
you've heard about--

Yeah, I heard
about your problem.

And I thought
if there's anybody

who could understand
what I'm going through,
it's you.

And to tell you the truth,
I'm at my wit's end.

Let me tell you something.
It took me a long time.

It took me
maybe several years

to get to the point
that I'm going to talk
to you about now.

I want to give you
a shortcut,

which is that, yeah,
it is all those things.

It can be scary,
it can be bewildering,
et cetera.

But there are things
that you gain.

There are a lot of women

who are attracted to you
in this condition.

Really? I didn't think
there was any condition

- that they'd be
attracted to me.
- You are a dangerous man.

There are
very beautiful women

who like that.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Even with me
they would like it?

It's not exactly you;

it's the fatwa
wrapped around you.

Like kind of
sexy pixie dust.

- Huh!
- But you have to stop
acting like a wuss.

I mean, look at you.
You look like a person
trying to hide.

- That's exactly right.
- That is not sexy.

Be a man, stop this,
and fatwa sex will follow.

- Fatwa sex?
- The best sex there is.

- Wow!
- Yes.

What about
the fatwa itself?
I don't...

You know, you've survived
many, many years now.

Well, it's, you know--
it's there.

- Yeah.
- But fuck it.

Mm, yeah,
the "fuck it" philosophy.

It's a tough one.
I've tried it with orthotics.

It didn't really work
very well.

No, no, you're-- look,
you're being pathetic.

- Let me help you.
- What?

There. Now, look,
there you are.

You're a man of danger.

The fatwa sex is beginning
to circle around you,

so be a man now.

Let's go out,
get a bite to eat.

Trust me.

Let's eat!

- That's my boy.
- ( exhales )

( music playing )

Salman: Hello.
Table for two, please.

Of course, Mr. Rushdie.
Hello, Mr. David.

( chatter )

( man whispers )
Turn around, turn around.

- Look.
- Oh. It's him.

Oh, my God.

And your server will be
right with you guys.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Okay, so, you see?
It's not so bad.

Yeah, I'm in a restaurant
having-- having lunch.

You're not behind
some stupid mask.

You can go
in a supermarket,
go to a ball game.

- You'll be a person.
- You know what?

I'm feeling
a lot better
about things.

Now, tell me something.

This musical,
it's about me, right?

- Yes.
- So, I mean,
I'm interested.

Who have you got
playing me?

Oh, well, of course,
now, because of this
whole fatwa thing,

it's probably
not gonna happen.

But the guy
I had in mind

was actually
Jason Alexander.

You mean, like,
"George" Jason Alexander?

No, you know,
that was just a character
that he played.

- Ja-- you know--
- There's no remote resemblance.

- ( chuckles )
- I mean, he's short.
He's a lot shorter than me.

He's not--
a lot shorter?
What?

- He's not
that much shorter.
- Inches.

Hmm. Well, who are you
thinking about?

I'm thinking about,
you know, Hugh Jackman.

- That's good.
- ( scoffs ) Hugh Jackman?

- Yeah, he's a triple threat.
- Are you out of your
fucking mind?

He can sing,
he can dance,
he can act.

- Yeah.
- He could totally play me.

I think you're delusional.
Anyway, it's all moot.

What's the difference, you know?
It's not gonna happen.

All right, well,
that's a relief.

It's too bad, too,

because what you said
about fatwa sex?

- Yes.
- Oh, my God.

I would've put that
right in the show.

- That is so perfect.
- But that is not
the only benefit.

For example,
you don't have
to go to anything

you don't want to go to.

- Hmm.
- So, like, your cousin

is giving a reading
of his lousy poetry book,

and you say,
"Sorry, can't make it.

- Fatwa."
- Fatwa.

Somebody calls you,
says, "Can you come
pick me up at the airport?"

You say, "Can't make it.
Fatwa. Can't make it."

This is a fatwa
"Life of Riley."

- Yeah,
with added death threats.
- With the death threats, yeah.

You know what's happening?
I'm feeling, uh, pretty good.

Pretty, pretty good.

Compliments of the lady.

- ( chuckles )
- Oh, my God.

- You know who that is?
- That's Elizabeth Banks,
my friend.

She sent you a drink.

This is what
I'm talking about.

Here it is, right here.

Salman, this is--
this is unbelievable.

So don't talk to me.
What are you talking
to me for?

Go talk to her.

Do this.
Go for it.

- Hello.
- Elizabeth: Hi.

Cheers.
May I join you?

- Woman: Yes.
- Although, I should warn you

that it might be--
it might be a bit dangerous.

- Really? Tell us
all about that.
- Yes.

- Is that Salman Rushdie?
- Yes, that's Salman.

We're the, uh--
we're the fatwa boys.

I just can't believe
you're out and about.

- In broad daylight.
- What am I gonna do,
Elizabeth?

Look, I'm not
gonna walk around
with a mustache and a wig.

- Right?
- Yes, you just
face the world.

Absolutely!

Hello, ladies,
I'm the manager.

I really apologize
about your lunch being late.

There was a disturbance
in the kitchen.

- Ah. What kind of disturbance?
- He's not gonna tell you.

- I am about to tell her.
- Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Yes, we have
a very big kitchen,

and we're moving
forward now,

and we're going to get
your meal right away.

- Can't wait.
- He hasn't told you one thing
about the disturbance, has he?

He hasn't--
you didn't tell her
about the disturbance,

- just like last time.
- Manager: I believe I did.

I've ticked
all the boxes...

- You didn't tick one box.
- ...of the disturbance.

You didn't tick a box.
The boxes are empty.

I beg to differ.

Let's get on
to that delicious lunch.

- ( overlapping voices )
- All right, thank you.

- Thank you.
Thank you.
- It's okay.

I wanna know
everything there is to know
about Larry David.

- To the fatwa boys.
- To the fatwa boys.

( music playing )

He completely
changed my outlook
on this whole thing.

At the end
of the conversation,

he got up,
he ripped off my wig,

and said, "Come on,
we're going out to lunch."

- Unbelievable!
- Welcome. Welcome back.

- Look at you,
you're back to normal.
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- I like
the other look better.

- Ooh, you know what?
She's better every day.
- ( laughs )

Pretty good.
Anyway, Elizabeth Banks
sent a drink to my table.

Oh, my God,
I love her.

- Oh, she's fantastic.
- She's fantastic.

- I know.
I went over to her table.
- Oh, bullshit.

We had
a lovely conversation,
and I saw her last night.

- She's not
interested in you, Larry.
- ( guffaws ) She's swooning.

- Susie: She's swooning?
- She's swooning over me.

- You're delusional.
- Do you know why?

- Because I'm dangerous,
Susie.
- Yeah.

What the hell are you
doing here, anyway?

I think I might've left
my sunglasses here.

You know,
the Dr. Strangelove glasses?

Yeah, would you mind
looking for them?

Yeah, I would mind
looking for them.

I'm busy looking
for a little girl.

All right, well,
when you're outside,

you look for Katie,
and when you're inside,

eh... you look
for the sunglasses.

You could do both.
It's like Jeff's Cubs hat.

Have you found
your Cubs hat?

No, I have not.

I'm sure if you ran across
Jeff's Cubs hat,

you would call it
to his attention.

Same thing
with the sunglasses.

- That's all I'm asking.
- Excuse me.

- I don't give a shit
about Jeff's Cubs hat...
- That's all.

...about your
Dr. Strangelove glasses.

I care about this kid,
my little sister.

Just keep it
in the back of your mind.

Look, I've got Katie
in the back of my mind.

I've got
the sunglasses up front,
Katie's in the back.

- Susie:
That's so wrong, Larry.
- But it's always in the back.

Katie should
be in the front
for both of you.

She's not
an inanimate object.

Okay, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do for you.

I'm gonna move Katie
all the way up
to the front.

I'm gonna give her
equal footing with
the sunglasses.

Both in front of my mind.

Where's my Cubs hat
in this scenario?

I can't handle
three in the front.

It's too much.
It's overload.

I'll move Katie
back two paces.

I'm gonna move
your Cubs hat
to the front.

That works perfect.

You two have
no compassion,

have no caring
about another human being.

There's some
partial truth to that.

- Yeah.
- It's an illness,
for sure.

I don't know why I have it,
but I-- I definitely do.

- ( doorbell rings )
- Maybe that's her.

- This is fucking nuts.
- Oh, Ted!

- ( overlapping chatter )
- She's still gone.

- No, she's still gone.
- You're living the life now.

-Jeff: Oh, my God, I love her.
- Bless your heart.

- You poor thing.
- Larry: By the way,

that car of yours
got me a ticket.

- How?
- I was at a stoplight
and I beeped a cop.

What's that have to do
with my car?

Because your horn cannot hit
the subtle notes required
in the art of beeping.

- A beep's a beep.
- A beep is not a beep.

I'm telling you,
that horn is gonna get you
in a lot of trouble.

Mark my words.

So, how much
is a beep ticket?

$275.

Wow. Are you
gonna pay it?

No. I'm fighting it.

( music playing )

Larry:
I mean, Your Honor,

I don't even know
why I'm here.

There should
be no such thing
as a ticket for this.

It's our
inalienable right
to beep.

Without the freedom
to beep,

we are no better
than the beasts
in the field.

And I'm not talking
about the common chicken.

I'm talking
about the mighty oxen
and the donkey...

- Donkey.
- ...with his floppy ears,

...his pea-brain
and his stolid,
slack-jawed gaze.

A revolting creature,
if there ever was one...

- O-okay. Okay, all right.
- ...who walked the earth!

That's enough
of that talk about donkeys
and field chickens.

I've got more
about the donkeys--

That's enough.

All right,
so, Officer Jenkins,

you have been
in this courtroom
many times.

How many of those cases
has been because

someone has beeped you?

Never, Your Honor.

- Not once.
- A feather in my cap.

I'm a first
to beep a cop.

I'm a pioneer,
Your Honor.

In the mold
of a Rosa Parks.

- Wow. Huh.
- In the mold
of a Jackie Robinson.

Judge:
Mm-hmm. Anyone else
you're in the mold of?

Maybe a Martin Luther King
or a Malcolm X?

Harriet Tubman?

Yes, Harriet Tubman.

Although I'm not quite sure
what she did,

I have a feeling she was
in the pioneer family.

All right,
so do you think that--

I'm sorry, could you
just take a step back?

- You're in the well right now.
- Oh, am I in the well?

- Yeah, that would be
called a well.
- Oh, sorry.

Somebody could've told me
about the well, frankly.

I was talking
to you outside.

You never
mentioned anything.
Wouldn't have killed you.

I think we need
to get back to you
beeping right now.

Your Honor,
may I offer you
a cough drop?

You know, you're a judge,
you're talking a lot,

there are people here
all the time.

You get a sore throat.
Take it.

- Take the cough drop.
- I don't need any.

- Take it for later.
- Yeah, all right.

- Okay? Yeah.
- Thank you for your--

- your warm pocket candy.
- You'll thank me.

- Yeah.
- You'll be sucking
on that thing, going--

( smacks lips )
"Boy, that guy
in court today

really had something
with that cough drop."

The chances of me
putting that in my mouth
are very slim.

Well, if you're
not gonna suck on it,
you might as well return it.

What's the point of taking
a cough drop if you're not
gonna suck on it?

- 'Cause I'll use it.
- That may be the first thing
that we've agreed on today.

Now take your unsucked candy
and get back to your desk.

Okay, let the record show
I had a good time
in the well.

- Judge: Hmm.
- That's all I'm gonna
say about it.

Love the well.

- I'm so glad I came.
- Yeah, yeah, me, too.

- Yeah, I'm really glad, too.
- This is not going the way
you wanted it.

Your Honor, are you
listening to what this man
is saying over here?

Huh? Did you listen
to one word-- yoo-hoo.

Mr. David,
did you just--

did you just yoo-hoo me?

I did.
I yoo-hooed you.

You weren't
paying attention,
so I yoo-hooed.

Right, so you decided
it was okay to yoo-hoo.

Oh, you can't
yoo-hoo a judge?

You most certainly cannot
yoo-hoo a judge.

I'm affirming
the citation.

Very well.
I will pay your citation.

But I cannot leave
this courtroom

without telling you
that a grave injustice
has been done here,

for I'm not
doing this for me;

I did it for you
and you and you.

- Judge: Bailiff.
- And all of you.

For we are not donkeys.

Or in Brooklyn,
we would say--

we would say "dunkeys"
for some reason.
"Dunkeys."

( music playing )

( groans )
Hey, come on, buddy.

- ( loud honk )
- Oh, jeez, that is--
that is loud.

Oh, no.
No, no, come on.

No, no, I-- I'm sorry.

- Sorry.
- Roll down the window.

That was just
a reminder beep.

( knocking )

That was just
a reminder beep.
I'm sorry.

Reminder beep?
Reminder for what?

Well, but the light
had changed and--

No, no, that was
an aggressive fucking beep.

It's a new car
and I'm not used

to the subtleties
of the beeps.

No, I don't give a shit.
Come here. Get out here.

Wait, wait, wait!
It's me, Ted Danson.

"Becker," "Cheers,"
anything? Jesus.

- Hi, Lar.
- Oh, hello.

- Oh.
- This is my friend,
Elizabeth.

- Elizabeth: Hi!
- Hello, Elizabeth.

- Elizabeth Banks.
- Larry: Yes!

- Hi.
- This is Susie Greene.

Hi. Oh, what a beautiful
house this is.

Hi, Jeff.
This is Elizabeth Banks.

- So nice to meet you.
- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- The man behind the man.

- I get it.
- Why don't you
come inside, all right?

Okay, okay.
We'll go inside.

- Thank you, Elizabeth.
- You know, we were just
in the neighborhood

having a little drive.

I heard about
your little sister.

- Susie: Yeah.
Oh, you did? Yeah.
- It's terrible.

I lost a cat once,
so I know how you're feeling.

With all due respect,
losing a cat

is nothing like
losing a child.

Well,
with all due respect,

I mean, that cat
was my child.

And this girl,
I mean, it sounds like
you kind of barely know her.

I would say
I know her quite well.

She's an underprivileged child
we took into our home,

and she feels like
our own little girl.

Well, Mr. Noodle
was a stray as well,

who I brought in
off the street,

and literally
slept on my bosom
for 17 years.

Mr. Noodle slept
on your bosom?

- Yeah, he did.
- Yeah.

- He was a stray?
- I know how much
you miss this girl.

It's-- it's a loss,
for sure.

- It's a huge loss,
and she's a human being.
- Elizabeth: Yeah.

- Flesh and blood.
- Not your flesh and blood.

- Not my flesh and blood,
but I don't discriminate.
- No. Someone else's.

I'm happy to tweet
a recent photo of her.

I do have
a lot of followers.

I have a video
of her dancing.

She's a very
talented dancer.

Oh, we should put that
on my social channels
or something.

I saw her dance.
She's not-- she's not
much of a dancer.

Oh, what the fuck
do you know, Larry?

- I saw the tape.
- You know talent?
You know dancing?

I saw the tape of the dancing.
I don't wanna get into it.

What was the last
dance program you ever saw?

Did you go
to Martha Graham? No.

Yeah, because I don't like
to go out of my way
to be bored.

I could show Elizabeth
right now

a video of her dancing,
which is magnificent.

I'll watch that video
and you can watch

a video of Mr. Noodle
chasing a string.

- All right, enough!
- It is the cutest thing
you ever saw.

This is
a underprivileged child...

- Elizabeth: Oh.
- ...who came into our world.

Look, I just wanna
be helpful, you know?

Elvid told me
about the situation and--

- Who?
- Oh, El--

- She calls me Elvid.
- It's my little--

Why the fuck do you
call him "Elvid"?

- It's my little nickname.
- ( stutters ) Nickname.

You know?
I like to have--
he calls me Lizzie,

- I call him Elvid.
- Oh, Jesus.

- ( Elizabeth laughs )
- ( car approaching )

Oh, wait a minute.

A cop car
just pulled up, Jeff.

What is that?

- ( car door beeping )
- Susie: Oh, my God, Jeff!

- My little sister!
- I'm really sorry.

- Susie: Oh, my God!
( screams )
- My glasses!

My glasses!

( music playing )

I'm so happy
to have you back.

Where'd you find her,
Officer?

- She was at her boyfriend's.
- No, she wasn't.

She doesn't have
a boyfriend.

- Come on. You come in.
We'll discuss it.
- All right.

- Bite to eat?
- Love it. Starving.

- Let's do it.
- Great.

Larry:
That's Jeff's Cubs hat.

You gotta call
the fire department.

( laughs )
The fire department?

That's very dangerous,
Elvid.

I got this, Lizzie.

Wow, Elvid.

Is there nothing
you're afraid of?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yes!
- ( both screaming )

( gasps )

Oh.

- ( whispers ) Let's get
the fuck out of here.
- Okay.

( music playing )

You have an--
an idea for an app?

It's a fantastic idea.

Say I invite you over
for dinner one night.

Okay, I like
where this is going.

( laughs )
And I'm cooking--

- I've never done this
in my life, by the way...
- And then? ( laughs )

...but I'm-- it's just
all hypothetical.

- I like it.
- So, now when dinner's over,

- okay, and there's a big pile
of dishes in the kitchen.
- Yes. Sure.

We don't wanna
deal with that,
right?

Wait till tomorrow.
We've got other things to do.

No, we don't even need
to wait till tomorrow.

- Why?
- I pick up the phone,

I open up the app,
five minutes later,

there's people
doing the dishes.

Excuse me, I'm looking
for a suspect.

He vandalized
police property.
Larry David.

Hi, I'm the restaurant
manager.

How may I help you?

Yes, I'm looking
for Larry David.

- Ah, yes, Larry David.
- Yeah, I'm looking for him.

He's one of our
more engaging customers.

- They'll be driving all over
the city just like Uber...
- Okay. Right.

...and then they'll get
their-- their dish call.

I just don't understand
how you and I are getting
it on after dinner

if there's a rando stranger
in the house doing the dishes.

Oh, my God.

- ( whispers ) It's that cop.
Come, come-- come on!
- Okay, okay.

You're not answering
any of my questions.

Well, I just
wanna tell you,

I'm here to support
the men in blue 110%.

Okay, uh, we need a plan.
We gotta come up
with a plan.

- What's the story?
What do we say?
- Um, okay, here it is.

We went across the street
to buy some lemonade

from these Girl Scouts.

One of the Girl Scouts
is Asian.

It's good to be specific
when you lie.

It's the cornerstone
of a good lie.

- Okay.
- Okay?

And the lemonade
was delicious.

- Yes. I can taste it.
- Delicious lemonade.

Yes, and all of a sudden,
a gust of Santa Ana wind
comes along

and knocks
the rake off the roof
onto the hood of the car.

- Yes. Okay, I can--
- Got it?

I got it.
Yes, of course.
Are you kidding?

I did Shakespeare.
I can handle this.

( gasps, clears throat )

- Is there a problem?
- Yeah, there's a problem.

You vandalized my car.

- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.

Officer, we were standing
across the street

from your vehicle,

buying some lemonade
from a-- a stand.

- It's like a, you know,
the wooden-- with a sign--
- Lemonade stand?

The lemonade stand.

They were the little ones,
the Brownies,

one of whom was Indian.

And we decided
that we actually
wanted Arnold Parkers,

- and so--
- Palmers.

- I don't think so.
- Palmer.

- Arnold Palmer.
- Well, let's leave
that detail for another day.

- At any rate, he went
into the house to...
- He?

...retrieve the--
yes, there was a man.

An Irishman
who went into the house.

He said--
( Irish accent )
"I'll go get you--

ye the iced tea
for the Arnold Parker."

And so,
while we were waiting

for the Arnolds Palm--
whatever it is.

- Palmer!
- Anyway, a gust
of wind came.

- It blew a rake off
of the, um-- the roof!
- The roof!

- Off the roof
of the house onto the car.
- I was handling it.

Anyway, it blew the rake
off of the roof...

and that's how your car
was damaged.

All right,
you're coming with me.

It landed
on your vehicle.

Great!
Great performance!

- You're an actress?
- You know what?

That's the worst performance
I've ever seen in my life!

- You!
- Elizabeth: It was
a bad script, Larry.

- You wrote me a bad script!
- Oh, oh, a gust of wind.

I do better with
a little more preparation.

You should arrest her
for bad acting.

Look, I need a rehearsal.
I'm not a one-take wonder.

- Larry: Give me a break.
- Fuck you, Elvid.

Hello?
What the fuck?!

- ( chatter )
- Hi. I'm the manager.

- Sorry, there has been
a delay in your meal.
- What's taking so long?

Well, there's
been a disturbance
in the kitchen.

( theme music playing )

I think this is a breakthrough.

No, it's not a breakthrough.

I'm gonna write down
"breakthrough."

Writing down "breakthrough"
is just a waste of
everybody's time.

-"Break..."
-That whole pad,

-you might as well throw it--
it does nothing, that pad.
-"...through."

Are you vying for the title
of the most pretentious
man in the world?

-This?
-Yes.

I've had this for decades.

It looks like, uh,

the Little Drummer Boy's
funeral.

This what he's wearing
in the casket.

(SOBBING)

Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on.
That's way too loud.

-(SOBBING)
-MAN: And one day...

-Just whimper. Can you whimper?
-(WHIMPERING)