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♪ She was unemployed, unhappy
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00:00:04,344 --> 00:00:05,896
♪ She had no cash
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00:00:05,896 --> 00:00:08,724
♪ Pretending to be classy,
but just poor white trash ♪
4
00:00:08,724 --> 00:00:10,206
♪ The tragic but true fact is
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00:00:10,206 --> 00:00:14,517
♪ A bitter aging actress's agent
just recently dropped her ♪
6
00:00:14,517 --> 00:00:17,137
♪ Sitting on her ass
drinking cheap boxed wine ♪
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00:00:17,137 --> 00:00:19,965
♪ Until she took a bogus
glass while at home online ♪
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00:00:19,965 --> 00:00:22,862
♪ Finished fast, came in
last, barely passed. ♪
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00:00:22,862 --> 00:00:26,137
♪ Now the calls
herself a doctor ♪
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00:00:26,137 --> 00:00:29,275
♪ Who woulda guessed that
this phony would treat ♪
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00:00:29,275 --> 00:00:32,931
♪ The craziest of
the showbiz elite ♪
12
00:00:32,931 --> 00:00:36,068
♪ And now the only thing
more distant and more scary ♪
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00:00:36,068 --> 00:00:37,551
♪ Is your slutty
blonde assistant ♪
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00:00:37,551 --> 00:00:39,241
♪ That dumb whore, Sherry
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00:00:39,241 --> 00:00:41,896
♪ You don't wanna be
on her client list ♪
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♪ It's Doctor Jackie
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00:00:44,793 --> 00:00:48,862
♪ The unlicensed
psychotherapist ♪
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Don't worry,
life will get better.
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00:01:00,172 --> 00:01:03,517
Right now, you
work for a monster,
20
00:01:03,517 --> 00:01:07,137
but just remember you're
skinny and pretty.
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Skinny and pretty.
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00:01:08,965 --> 00:01:11,896
Did I mention young?
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00:01:11,896 --> 00:01:13,103
Good afternoon.
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00:01:13,103 --> 00:01:14,862
- It's morning.
- Good morning.
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Good morning.
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00:01:16,068 --> 00:01:18,310
I'm so sorry I'm late,
but I was binge watching
27
00:01:18,310 --> 00:01:20,931
the first season of
Small Wonder last night
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00:01:20,931 --> 00:01:23,068
and I overslept this morning.
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00:01:23,068 --> 00:01:24,758
What's Small Wonder?
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What is Small Wonder?!
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Only the most genius sitcom
in the history of television.
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It's about this little girl
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named Vicky who just
happens to be a robot
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00:01:35,172 --> 00:01:39,862
and it perfectly captures the
fatalistic fatality of life.
35
00:01:39,862 --> 00:01:42,310
You know, I think
I might be a robot.
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You're not.
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How do you know?
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I know.
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00:01:45,310 --> 00:01:46,586
Are you sure?
40
00:01:46,586 --> 00:01:49,310
Robots are smart, Sherry.
41
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:51,586
So tell me, what do we
have on the books today?
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00:01:51,586 --> 00:01:54,206
Well, it was supposed to
be that two person session
43
00:01:54,206 --> 00:01:57,482
with Bob the Drag Queen
and Monet X Change, but...
44
00:01:57,482 --> 00:01:59,896
Now Sherry, you know
I don't like buts.
45
00:01:59,896 --> 00:02:03,586
What about Canadian Prime
Minister, Justin Trudeau's butt?
46
00:02:03,586 --> 00:02:04,827
Remember when you told me
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00:02:04,827 --> 00:02:06,344
you didn't know if
you would rather
48
00:02:06,344 --> 00:02:09,379
choke to death on
his fat uncut cock
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00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:13,379
or suffocate between the
cheeks of his amazing ass?
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00:02:14,793 --> 00:02:18,862
I am never going to
happy hour with you again.
51
00:02:18,862 --> 00:02:21,103
Now about that but.
52
00:02:21,103 --> 00:02:22,965
Well, it turns out
that Bob and Monet
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00:02:22,965 --> 00:02:25,655
hate each other so
much they can't even
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be in the same room together.
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- What?
- Yeah.
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00:02:28,827 --> 00:02:30,482
Monet is in your office now.
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00:02:30,482 --> 00:02:33,344
And Bob is gonna call in on
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00:02:33,344 --> 00:02:35,655
video conference call.
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00:02:36,827 --> 00:02:39,379
Okay. So Monet's
in there right now?
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00:02:39,379 --> 00:02:40,620
Yeah.
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00:02:40,620 --> 00:02:42,103
Is she upset that
I'm running late?
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00:02:42,103 --> 00:02:44,793
No, not at all, she said she
would just make some Cameos.
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00:02:44,793 --> 00:02:48,000
What's a Cameo?
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00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,482
A Cam--
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00:02:49,482 --> 00:02:52,413
A Cameo is a fabulous
way to get a personalized
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00:02:52,413 --> 00:02:54,551
video message for any occasion
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00:02:54,551 --> 00:02:57,206
from your favorite
D-list celebrity.
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00:02:57,206 --> 00:03:00,034
Oh yes, Sherry.
I remember now.
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00:03:00,034 --> 00:03:03,344
A Cameo is the perfect
custom way to celebrate
70
00:03:03,344 --> 00:03:06,793
birthdays, anniversaries, graduations,
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00:03:06,793 --> 00:03:09,206
weddings, divorces,
or just give someone
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00:03:09,206 --> 00:03:13,551
a much needed pep talk or
tell them to fuck off and die.
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00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:18,000
Order your Jackie
Beat Cameo today!
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00:03:22,931 --> 00:03:25,827
Order your Sherry
Vine Cameo today.
75
00:03:25,827 --> 00:03:27,862
What?
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00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,620
Order your Jackie
Beat Cameo today.
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Yeah.
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So, it's your girl Monet.
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Baby, I love you so much
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00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:43,689
and happy, happy
birthday, darling.
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00:03:43,689 --> 00:03:44,655
Muah!
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00:03:44,655 --> 00:03:46,827
Ugh, God.
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00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:48,000
Are you done?
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00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,620
Oh, I didn't know
you were ready.
85
00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:52,206
I am ready and Bob is actually
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00:03:52,206 --> 00:03:54,551
calling in and ready.
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00:03:54,551 --> 00:03:55,379
Wait--
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00:03:55,379 --> 00:03:56,655
Hey, Dr. Jackie.
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00:03:56,655 --> 00:03:58,137
Um, thank you for
taking my call.
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00:03:58,137 --> 00:04:01,068
And um, honestly, I really
wish I could have been there,
91
00:04:01,068 --> 00:04:02,655
but it's actually gotten to
a point where I feel like
92
00:04:02,655 --> 00:04:05,620
I can't even be in the
same room as Monet anymore.
93
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:08,068
It's just gotten so, so toxic.
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00:04:08,068 --> 00:04:09,241
I mean, she's so lazy.
95
00:04:09,241 --> 00:04:10,482
Like for example, look!
96
00:04:10,482 --> 00:04:12,482
We were supposed to
both do your show.
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00:04:12,482 --> 00:04:13,413
Queen.
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00:04:13,413 --> 00:04:15,862
This session...
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00:04:15,862 --> 00:04:18,206
This session in drag!
100
00:04:18,206 --> 00:04:21,482
And she couldn't even
be bothered to get
in drag for this.
101
00:04:21,482 --> 00:04:25,034
So, Dr. Jackie, please,
can you just fix her?
102
00:04:25,034 --> 00:04:26,689
For me?
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00:04:26,689 --> 00:04:29,620
For my job, for our podcast.
104
00:04:30,827 --> 00:04:31,827
Thank you.
105
00:04:31,827 --> 00:04:33,965
Okay, uh...
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00:04:33,965 --> 00:04:35,827
Well, I guess it's
just you and me.
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00:04:35,827 --> 00:04:37,206
Do you see that?
108
00:04:37,206 --> 00:04:39,413
I did. It's a lot.
109
00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:42,586
Let me break it down for you,
Dr. Jackie, in the real way.
110
00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:44,137
So Bob and I, we obviously have
111
00:04:44,137 --> 00:04:46,275
our podcast together,
Sibling Rivalry.
112
00:04:46,275 --> 00:04:48,206
Um, you know, first
it started out
113
00:04:48,206 --> 00:04:50,275
out of joy and the
rivalry was fun, right?
114
00:04:50,275 --> 00:04:51,103
It was cute. It was--
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That's a cute name.
116
00:04:52,482 --> 00:04:54,000
It was chic!
117
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,896
But now the rivalry is real
and Bob has become irate.
118
00:04:57,896 --> 00:04:59,689
He has become irrational.
119
00:04:59,689 --> 00:05:01,206
And honestly, I just
can't stand him.
120
00:05:01,206 --> 00:05:02,758
And we were once sisters.
121
00:05:02,758 --> 00:05:05,482
We were once friends, but
now he's my mortal enemy.
122
00:05:05,482 --> 00:05:06,965
I hate him.
123
00:05:06,965 --> 00:05:08,137
So it sounds
like it started out
124
00:05:08,137 --> 00:05:10,482
as a real cute name,
Sibling Rivalry,
125
00:05:10,482 --> 00:05:11,586
Yeah.
- and then it was almost like
126
00:05:11,586 --> 00:05:13,275
a self-fulfilling prophecy.
127
00:05:13,275 --> 00:05:14,103
Yeah.
128
00:05:14,103 --> 00:05:15,344
This reminds me of...
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00:05:15,344 --> 00:05:16,689
I have this one neighbor
who's really annoying
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00:05:16,689 --> 00:05:18,000
and she's always
trying to talk to me
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and I pretend to be deaf.
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00:05:19,931 --> 00:05:22,034
And then I went to the
doctor and it turns out
133
00:05:22,034 --> 00:05:25,034
I have lost 20% of my
hearing in one of my ears.
134
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:26,241
Oh my God.
135
00:05:26,241 --> 00:05:27,241
So it's like careful
what you wish for.
136
00:05:27,241 --> 00:05:28,517
Yeah.
- Right?
137
00:05:28,517 --> 00:05:30,000
Yeah. Yeah.
For sure, definitely.
138
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,137
Ugh. Should have called
the show Best Friends.
139
00:05:32,137 --> 00:05:33,689
No, I don't even
want that, Dr. Jackie.
140
00:05:33,689 --> 00:05:34,896
- Oh.
- I don't want to have
141
00:05:34,896 --> 00:05:36,758
anything to do with
Bob ever again.
142
00:05:36,758 --> 00:05:38,620
That's... that's a lot.
143
00:05:38,620 --> 00:05:41,137
Now, I understand that
this podcast of yours
144
00:05:41,137 --> 00:05:43,448
is very, very popular.
145
00:05:43,448 --> 00:05:44,689
I get recognized everywhere.
146
00:05:44,689 --> 00:05:46,344
I can't, I can't
go to Whole Foods.
147
00:05:46,344 --> 00:05:48,241
I can't go to TJ's.
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00:05:48,241 --> 00:05:49,931
I can't go to the
glory hole, Dr. Jackie,
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00:05:49,931 --> 00:05:52,482
and not be recognized
in drag, out of drag.
150
00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:54,517
So that's why today I wanted
to not even do the drag thing,
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00:05:54,517 --> 00:05:58,034
so I can just feel a little
more protected, you know?
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00:05:58,034 --> 00:05:59,068
Right.
Yeah.
153
00:05:59,068 --> 00:06:00,758
So you're that famous, huh?
154
00:06:00,758 --> 00:06:01,586
Everywhere.
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00:06:03,103 --> 00:06:05,896
If it makes you feel any
better, I've never heard of you.
156
00:06:05,896 --> 00:06:09,724
And if I saw you out and
about at Whole Foods or...
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00:06:09,724 --> 00:06:10,655
The glory hole?
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00:06:10,655 --> 00:06:11,620
I've never been there.
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00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:13,103
What is that? A club?
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00:06:13,103 --> 00:06:15,482
Yeah. It's like little
gay angels come into clubs
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00:06:15,482 --> 00:06:17,137
and they make these
little circular
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00:06:17,137 --> 00:06:18,379
- Sweetie...
- worshiping holes.
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00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,896
I'm kidding.
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00:06:19,896 --> 00:06:21,965
It's a hole in a wall that
you stick your dick through
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00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:26,620
and then a stranger
moistens it with their mouth
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00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,793
until you get so excited,
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00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,206
fluid comes out of it.
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00:06:31,206 --> 00:06:32,448
I want you to
be more inclusive.
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00:06:32,448 --> 00:06:33,793
People stick their
asses there too.
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00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:35,310
Not just their
dicks, Dr. Jackie.
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00:06:35,310 --> 00:06:36,517
Are you serious?
Yes.
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00:06:36,517 --> 00:06:37,931
Now I'm really
learning something.
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00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:39,310
Yeah. It's incredible.
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00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:41,620
You can put your butt
up against a glory hole?
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00:06:41,620 --> 00:06:42,827
I mean, if
you had the right butt.
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00:06:42,827 --> 00:06:44,482
I mean, I have a
lot of surface area,
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00:06:44,482 --> 00:06:46,000
so I require a bigger hole.
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00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,517
Right.
- Yeah.
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00:06:47,517 --> 00:06:49,517
To me, it'd be difficult
if you had a bubble butt.
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00:06:49,517 --> 00:06:50,862
You'd have to back up Yeah.
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00:06:50,862 --> 00:06:52,344
onto the glory hole. Yeah.
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00:06:52,344 --> 00:06:55,413
And then, you know,
not to be judgemental,
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00:06:55,413 --> 00:06:58,103
but the other gentleman,
on the other side
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00:06:58,103 --> 00:07:00,000
of the wall would have to be
185
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,517
very well endowed. Yeah.
186
00:07:01,517 --> 00:07:03,000
Cause you're
already, you know...
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00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,965
I mean, well, when you go
to glory holes in Compton,
188
00:07:04,965 --> 00:07:05,896
that's not a problem.
189
00:07:05,896 --> 00:07:07,482
Okay, that's a stereotype
190
00:07:07,482 --> 00:07:09,517
and even though
it's a positive one,
191
00:07:09,517 --> 00:07:11,310
I don't want to go there, okay?
192
00:07:11,310 --> 00:07:13,344
So listen, let's deal with
193
00:07:13,344 --> 00:07:14,827
your problem at hand.
194
00:07:14,827 --> 00:07:17,620
Enough glory holes and I
never thought I'd say that.
195
00:07:19,965 --> 00:07:22,862
So like I said, if it, if
it puts your mind at ease,
196
00:07:22,862 --> 00:07:24,862
I have no idea who you are
197
00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:26,000
and I would never bother you
198
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,448
on the street if I saw...
199
00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:30,275
Wait a minute. I
do recognize you.
200
00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:34,655
You're on that HBO show
where you help people,
201
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:37,586
with the, uh, Shangela
and the big girl.
202
00:07:37,586 --> 00:07:39,413
No.
Big fat girl.
203
00:07:39,413 --> 00:07:41,241
- That's Bob.
- Oh, that's Bob.
204
00:07:41,241 --> 00:07:46,000
The person who just refused
to be a part of this process.
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00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,379
That's Bob?
- Yes.
206
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:51,413
Well, you must admit
you do... look similar.
207
00:07:51,413 --> 00:07:52,793
Because we're both...
208
00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:54,793
Bald?
209
00:07:54,793 --> 00:07:56,689
Drag Queens. Bald drag Queens.
210
00:07:56,689 --> 00:07:57,620
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
211
00:07:57,620 --> 00:07:59,310
Ha, trust me if I was on HBO,
212
00:07:59,310 --> 00:08:00,655
I would've canceled being
on this fuckin' show,
213
00:08:00,655 --> 00:08:01,586
just like Bob did.
214
00:08:03,068 --> 00:08:03,896
Ouch.
215
00:08:06,103 --> 00:08:07,517
At least she called in.
216
00:08:07,517 --> 00:08:09,758
You know, it is
very warm in here.
217
00:08:09,758 --> 00:08:11,931
You know what, it's because
we're on the third floor
218
00:08:11,931 --> 00:08:14,034
and there's no circulation
219
00:08:14,034 --> 00:08:15,482
and I can't open that window,
220
00:08:15,482 --> 00:08:18,379
because one of my
patients recently...
221
00:08:18,379 --> 00:08:19,310
Seriously?
222
00:08:20,793 --> 00:08:22,655
Do you mind if
I just go online
223
00:08:22,655 --> 00:08:24,931
and order a fan for this room
224
00:08:24,931 --> 00:08:26,862
really quickly, before I forget?
225
00:08:26,862 --> 00:08:28,862
- Whatever.
- Um...
226
00:08:28,862 --> 00:08:30,482
It is really stuffy in here,
227
00:08:30,482 --> 00:08:32,793
so I need a giant one.
228
00:08:32,793 --> 00:08:34,931
I don't know how to...
what should I search?
229
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:37,448
I'm just gonna do just
for fans, big ones.
230
00:08:37,448 --> 00:08:38,551
No! No.
231
00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:40,310
Okay.
232
00:08:40,310 --> 00:08:43,620
I would pay $10
a month for that.
233
00:08:43,620 --> 00:08:45,586
I mean, that's like
a dollar an inch.
234
00:08:45,586 --> 00:08:46,413
Girl.
235
00:08:46,413 --> 00:08:47,517
I'll order it later.
236
00:08:48,724 --> 00:08:50,793
Can we please get
on with my session?
237
00:08:52,034 --> 00:08:53,896
Of course, Bob
238
00:08:53,896 --> 00:08:54,758
I'm Monet.
239
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,103
So, what really sparked
all of this and why I'm...
240
00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,000
why we were both
supposed to be here,
241
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,517
but I'm here, 'cause I'm
dedicated and I, you know,
242
00:09:03,517 --> 00:09:05,034
respect your craft
and what you do.
243
00:09:05,034 --> 00:09:06,586
- Hmmm.
- And you're, you know,
244
00:09:06,586 --> 00:09:08,482
you're moderately decently
semi good at what you do.
245
00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:10,517
I want to get your
honest opinion.
246
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:11,724
Thank you?
247
00:09:11,724 --> 00:09:13,517
So here's how it
happened, Dr. Jackie.
248
00:09:13,517 --> 00:09:15,620
We were at the studio,
filming the podcast,
249
00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:17,310
like we always been done doing,
250
00:09:17,310 --> 00:09:18,620
- Mm-hmm.
- And he pulled up something
251
00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:20,758
on his phone to show
me and I, admittedly,
252
00:09:20,758 --> 00:09:23,793
I accidentally swiped right
when I shouldn't have.
253
00:09:23,793 --> 00:09:25,068
And...
254
00:09:25,068 --> 00:09:26,344
He blew up.
255
00:09:26,344 --> 00:09:28,862
You saw something you
weren't supposed to see.
256
00:09:28,862 --> 00:09:30,068
On his phone?
257
00:09:30,068 --> 00:09:31,827
- On his phone, yes.
- A private photo?
258
00:09:31,827 --> 00:09:33,793
- Private photo of--
- An adult photo?
259
00:09:33,793 --> 00:09:35,724
An adult photo, Dr. Jackie.
260
00:09:35,724 --> 00:09:38,965
And he grabbed his
phone and then I
261
00:09:38,965 --> 00:09:41,551
knocked his favorite coffee
cup over and I broke it.
262
00:09:41,551 --> 00:09:42,551
Okay.
263
00:09:42,551 --> 00:09:44,000
Actually, you know what?
264
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,482
I didn't even, I don't need
to explain this to you.
265
00:09:45,482 --> 00:09:46,965
The whole video is online
if you want to see it,
266
00:09:46,965 --> 00:09:49,241
'cause we have like almost a
million subscribers on YouTube.
267
00:09:49,241 --> 00:09:50,482
Wait a minute.
268
00:09:50,482 --> 00:09:53,103
You accidentally broke
his favorite coffee cup
269
00:09:53,103 --> 00:09:54,931
Yeah!
- and he overreacted?
270
00:09:54,931 --> 00:09:56,103
Yeah. He blew up.
271
00:09:56,103 --> 00:09:57,344
He got so angry.
272
00:09:57,344 --> 00:09:58,965
So enraged, filled with rage.
273
00:09:58,965 --> 00:10:00,620
- And you say it's online.
- It's online.
274
00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:01,551
All right, let me look it up.
275
00:10:01,551 --> 00:10:02,827
Let me see what's going on here.
276
00:10:02,827 --> 00:10:04,137
I mean, I wish he was here.
277
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:05,000
- I wish he was too.
- I could get
278
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,241
his side of the story.
279
00:10:06,241 --> 00:10:07,482
You know what I, you,
you don't want him here.
280
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,413
He smells. That's
another thing, too.
281
00:10:09,413 --> 00:10:12,000
The smell is bad.
It was terrible.
282
00:10:13,344 --> 00:10:15,241
Okay, I don't know
how to look stuff up.
283
00:10:15,241 --> 00:10:17,448
I'm so bad at this, uh...
284
00:10:17,448 --> 00:10:19,758
So it was you two
285
00:10:19,758 --> 00:10:21,379
fighting over a cup?
286
00:10:21,379 --> 00:10:22,758
Yes.
- I'm just gonna put
287
00:10:22,758 --> 00:10:24,137
two girls one cup.
288
00:10:24,137 --> 00:10:25,000
You know what?
289
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:25,931
Yeah. Do that.
290
00:10:25,931 --> 00:10:27,379
Look, yeah, look, look that up.
291
00:10:27,379 --> 00:10:28,551
Oh my God!
292
00:10:28,551 --> 00:10:30,310
Oh! No!
293
00:10:30,310 --> 00:10:32,551
No! Make it stop.
294
00:10:32,551 --> 00:10:34,931
No. Oh my God!
295
00:10:34,931 --> 00:10:36,379
No.
296
00:10:36,379 --> 00:10:37,931
I think there's a pair of
scissors around here somewhere.
297
00:10:37,931 --> 00:10:40,241
Will you please
stab me in the eyes?
298
00:10:40,241 --> 00:10:41,137
In the heart?
299
00:10:41,137 --> 00:10:42,137
Hold me.
300
00:10:43,379 --> 00:10:46,482
Don't hold me. That's
inappropriate, right?
301
00:10:46,482 --> 00:10:48,275
This is all inappropriate.
302
00:10:48,275 --> 00:10:50,000
Okay, I...
303
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,000
Bob... and you're not Bob.
304
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:55,551
I'm, I, I am not
Bob, for the 14th time.
305
00:10:55,551 --> 00:10:58,068
You are Moh-net.
306
00:10:58,068 --> 00:10:59,275
Mmm. Close.
307
00:11:00,103 --> 00:11:00,965
Try again.
308
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,862
Maw-nit?
309
00:11:04,862 --> 00:11:07,068
No, there's an
accent on the E.
310
00:11:08,482 --> 00:11:10,344
Monet.
311
00:11:10,344 --> 00:11:12,241
Yeah. That's me.
312
00:11:12,241 --> 00:11:14,000
- You are Monet
- Mm-hmm.
313
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,275
and you need help. Yes.
314
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,551
And I'm here for you.
315
00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:18,448
Are you?
316
00:11:18,448 --> 00:11:19,413
Yes.
317
00:11:21,275 --> 00:11:24,172
I would like to try
something a little different,
318
00:11:24,172 --> 00:11:25,379
if you're open to it.
319
00:11:25,379 --> 00:11:26,517
Ooh!
320
00:11:26,517 --> 00:11:27,724
Are you gonna
actually pay attention
321
00:11:27,724 --> 00:11:28,896
and gimme some good
fucking advice?
322
00:11:32,896 --> 00:11:34,758
Have you ever been hypnotized?
323
00:11:35,931 --> 00:11:36,965
Don't even think
about it, bitch.
324
00:11:36,965 --> 00:11:38,448
I've seen Get Out.
325
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:41,034
You know what, Monet?
326
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,551
I can see why Bob has
a problem with you.
327
00:11:43,551 --> 00:11:44,827
Yeah.
328
00:11:44,827 --> 00:11:46,586
You are just really
hard to work with.
329
00:11:46,586 --> 00:11:48,620
- Me?
- You're not cooperative.
330
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:51,103
You're just a generally
unpleasant person.
331
00:11:52,068 --> 00:11:53,793
So let me this straight.
332
00:11:53,793 --> 00:11:55,724
You can't remember my name.
333
00:11:55,724 --> 00:11:57,448
You sitting up here
looking at porn
334
00:11:57,448 --> 00:11:58,965
On accident.
335
00:11:58,965 --> 00:12:00,310
And you let it slip
that one of your patients
336
00:12:00,310 --> 00:12:01,689
jumped out of the window.
337
00:12:01,689 --> 00:12:03,000
You know what, Dr. Jackie?
338
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,000
You actually helped
me out a lot today.
339
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,275
Yeah, you did.
340
00:12:06,275 --> 00:12:09,448
'Cause compared to you,
Bob is a fucking saint.
341
00:12:09,448 --> 00:12:11,793
Okay? And on that, I'm out.
342
00:12:11,793 --> 00:12:14,310
But! Before I go?
343
00:12:14,310 --> 00:12:18,344
I'm taking this
and leaving this.
344
00:12:21,344 --> 00:12:23,689
But--
345
00:12:23,689 --> 00:12:26,241
Don't take it
personally, Jackie.
346
00:12:26,241 --> 00:12:30,758
As you learned in school,
hurt people hurt people.
347
00:12:32,206 --> 00:12:33,827
Now what is this?
348
00:12:33,827 --> 00:12:34,931
Serve.
349
00:12:35,931 --> 00:12:38,172
Green apple vodka.
350
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,862
Maw-net X Change.
351
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,517
Let's try it.
352
00:12:47,206 --> 00:12:49,620
Oh, that is good.
353
00:12:49,620 --> 00:12:51,620
I feel like I just had
a serving of fruit.
354
00:12:55,793 --> 00:12:57,137
That kinda looks like...
355
00:12:59,103 --> 00:13:00,448
Oh, that is her.
356
00:13:07,068 --> 00:13:08,517
Hey honey, what's up?
357
00:13:08,517 --> 00:13:11,172
Dr. Jackie. It's
me, Kate Flannery.
358
00:13:11,172 --> 00:13:12,413
Oh, hi Kate.
359
00:13:12,413 --> 00:13:13,655
I--
360
00:13:13,655 --> 00:13:15,172
I'm calling 'cause
I have an emergency.
361
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,551
You're the only person
that can help me.
362
00:13:17,551 --> 00:13:18,931
- Uh-huh, okay.
- I am at a restaurant
363
00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:20,862
and I'm about to
meet a friend of mine
364
00:13:20,862 --> 00:13:22,827
who I haven't seen
in quite some time
365
00:13:22,827 --> 00:13:25,241
and I understand that she's
recently become a vegan.
366
00:13:25,241 --> 00:13:26,724
- Ugh.
- I know.
367
00:13:27,965 --> 00:13:30,034
Well, this is one of
my favorite restaurants
368
00:13:30,034 --> 00:13:32,655
and they have the rib special.
369
00:13:32,655 --> 00:13:35,931
Can I eat ribs in front
of a vegan friend?
370
00:13:35,931 --> 00:13:38,206
You know, vegan's hearts
are in the right place,
371
00:13:38,206 --> 00:13:40,413
but they are so annoying.
372
00:13:40,413 --> 00:13:41,793
Just do what I do.
373
00:13:41,793 --> 00:13:45,137
Lie, order the ribs
and when they come,
374
00:13:45,137 --> 00:13:48,275
just tell her they're
actually vegan ribs.
375
00:13:48,275 --> 00:13:50,241
Just say, you know, that's
why you go to that restaurant.
376
00:13:50,241 --> 00:13:51,931
They have the best
vegan ribs in town
377
00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:54,689
and even, you know,
offer her a bite of it.
378
00:13:54,689 --> 00:13:56,103
You know, I do
that all the time.
379
00:13:56,103 --> 00:13:58,379
Yeah, my vegan friends
are just like, really?
380
00:13:58,379 --> 00:13:59,413
This tastes like meat.
381
00:13:59,413 --> 00:14:01,655
And I'm like...
382
00:14:01,655 --> 00:14:02,931
You know, I mean, listen.
383
00:14:02,931 --> 00:14:05,482
I did something similar
at a party I threw.
384
00:14:05,482 --> 00:14:06,965
A friend of mine
who's been in recovery
385
00:14:06,965 --> 00:14:08,206
for like 16 years said,
386
00:14:08,206 --> 00:14:09,965
"Hey, is there booze
in this punch?"
387
00:14:09,965 --> 00:14:12,241
And I was like, ugh, I
don't want an argument.
388
00:14:12,241 --> 00:14:14,172
"No, there's no
booze in that punch."
389
00:14:14,172 --> 00:14:16,689
Ugh. You know.
390
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,344
What, what could
possibly go wrong?
391
00:14:20,275 --> 00:14:22,931
She did wake up the next day
392
00:14:22,931 --> 00:14:27,655
in her car in the middle
of the LA River, but...
393
00:14:28,551 --> 00:14:30,034
Anyway, enjoy your lunch!
394
00:14:30,034 --> 00:14:31,068
Dr. Jackie.
395
00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:33,793
You're the greatest.
- Mm-hmm!
396
00:14:33,793 --> 00:14:35,103
I don't know what
I'd do without you.
397
00:14:35,103 --> 00:14:37,034
You are my emergency contact.
398
00:14:37,034 --> 00:14:39,172
Thank you, Dr. Jackie.
399
00:14:39,172 --> 00:14:40,724
Don't trust anyone
who doesn't eat meat.
400
00:14:40,724 --> 00:14:41,793
I'll talk to you later!
401
00:14:44,827 --> 00:14:47,103
Good afternoon, Dr. Jackie.
402
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:48,965
Oh, good afternoon.
403
00:14:48,965 --> 00:14:50,413
And who the hell are you?
404
00:14:50,413 --> 00:14:52,724
I'm Sherry's
sister, Calpurnia.
405
00:14:52,724 --> 00:14:55,448
I'm filling in for her
while she's in the hospital.
406
00:14:55,448 --> 00:14:57,655
She's having her left boob
407
00:14:57,655 --> 00:14:59,827
made the same size
as her right boob.
408
00:14:59,827 --> 00:15:00,862
Remember?
409
00:15:00,862 --> 00:15:01,793
Oh, of course.
410
00:15:01,793 --> 00:15:03,586
Well, thank you for being here.
411
00:15:03,586 --> 00:15:05,103
Oh, it's my pleasure.
412
00:15:05,103 --> 00:15:08,689
And your next appointment
should be here any moment.
413
00:15:08,689 --> 00:15:09,517
Great.
414
00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:11,000
Also um...
415
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:15,827
I found to-do list on
Sherry's desk marked 2007.
416
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,724
So I took the liberty of
doing everything on it.
417
00:15:19,724 --> 00:15:21,103
What?
418
00:15:21,103 --> 00:15:24,586
Yes, I reorganized and
alphabetized your patient files.
419
00:15:24,586 --> 00:15:26,551
I completed your annual
420
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:27,965
insurance paperwork,
421
00:15:27,965 --> 00:15:31,793
responded to all your unanswered
emails and phone calls,
422
00:15:31,793 --> 00:15:33,586
refilled the M dispenser,
423
00:15:33,586 --> 00:15:37,000
and I rotated the
tires on your car.
424
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,655
Wow.
425
00:15:38,655 --> 00:15:42,137
Oh, and I'm also
certified in reflexology,
426
00:15:42,137 --> 00:15:45,724
so if you'd like of foot
massage later, just let me know.
427
00:15:45,724 --> 00:15:48,724
I certainly will.
428
00:15:48,724 --> 00:15:52,689
So about this surgery
that Sherry's having,
429
00:15:52,689 --> 00:15:55,379
do you know just
how risky it is?
430
00:15:55,379 --> 00:15:56,758
What do you mean?
431
00:15:56,758 --> 00:15:59,137
Um, what are
the chances of her
432
00:15:59,137 --> 00:16:00,827
dying on the operating table
433
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:03,448
and you becoming my
receptionist full-time?
434
00:16:04,586 --> 00:16:07,413
Oh, well, I'm not
sure about that,
435
00:16:07,413 --> 00:16:09,862
but I would be happy
to look it up online
436
00:16:09,862 --> 00:16:12,827
and get all the pertinent
information and statistics
437
00:16:12,827 --> 00:16:16,103
compiled into a very easy
to read and understand
438
00:16:16,103 --> 00:16:18,758
PowerPoint presentation.
439
00:16:18,758 --> 00:16:20,482
While massaging my feet?
440
00:16:20,482 --> 00:16:22,724
Of course!
441
00:16:22,724 --> 00:16:27,724
Dear God, please take Sherry
into your loving arms today.
442
00:16:28,689 --> 00:16:29,827
Amen.
443
00:16:31,206 --> 00:16:33,758
Well, if there's nothing
else, I am going to go
444
00:16:33,758 --> 00:16:37,034
steam clean all the furniture
in the waiting room.
445
00:16:39,551 --> 00:16:43,448
Oh, by the way, I do
have to be out by 6:00 PM
446
00:16:43,448 --> 00:16:46,000
to go to my QAnon meeting.
447
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,586
Let me know if
you'd like to come.
448
00:16:47,586 --> 00:16:50,000
We are always looking
for new members.
449
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:57,689
Dear God, please ignore
that last prayer. Amen.
450
00:16:58,862 --> 00:17:00,517
I knew it was too
good to be true.
451
00:17:07,689 --> 00:17:11,206
Oh, I didn't realize I had
a children's session today.
452
00:17:11,206 --> 00:17:13,862
I'll get out the
uh, trauma puppets.
453
00:17:13,862 --> 00:17:15,448
I'm an adult, bitch!
454
00:17:17,034 --> 00:17:18,275
Excuse me?
455
00:17:18,275 --> 00:17:21,551
Ugh, I'm so sorry
for overreacting.
456
00:17:21,551 --> 00:17:22,862
That's why I'm here.
457
00:17:22,862 --> 00:17:25,724
I need help controlling
my short fuse.
458
00:17:25,724 --> 00:17:27,310
Short fuse?
459
00:17:28,586 --> 00:17:30,241
My name is Selene Luna.
460
00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:32,758
I've been in show business
for over two decades
461
00:17:32,758 --> 00:17:36,758
and, as a little person, it
can be really humiliating.
462
00:17:36,758 --> 00:17:39,896
And sometimes when I try
to stand up for myself,
463
00:17:39,896 --> 00:17:41,551
I can go overboard.
464
00:17:41,551 --> 00:17:43,448
That's understandable.
465
00:17:43,448 --> 00:17:45,310
Now you say you've
been humiliated.
466
00:17:45,310 --> 00:17:46,448
How so?
467
00:17:46,448 --> 00:17:49,172
Well I'm constantly
playing elves,
468
00:17:49,172 --> 00:17:52,034
lady leprechauns,
possessed dolls,
469
00:17:52,034 --> 00:17:55,000
foul mouthed little girls,
all just to pay the bills.
470
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,206
Honey, we all do what
we have to do to survive.
471
00:17:58,206 --> 00:18:00,034
I have to sit here
and pretend to listen
472
00:18:00,034 --> 00:18:04,275
while people whine and moan
about their boring lives.
473
00:18:04,275 --> 00:18:06,551
I probably shouldn't
have said that out loud.
474
00:18:06,551 --> 00:18:07,862
Please go on.
475
00:18:07,862 --> 00:18:09,758
Well now I'm a
recurring character
476
00:18:09,758 --> 00:18:13,103
on a very popular TV
show on a big network.
477
00:18:13,103 --> 00:18:15,551
Congratulations!
478
00:18:15,551 --> 00:18:17,620
So what's the problem?
479
00:18:18,551 --> 00:18:20,551
I just wanna be an actress,
480
00:18:20,551 --> 00:18:24,172
but people never let me forget
that I'm a little person.
481
00:18:24,172 --> 00:18:26,448
That's terrible.
482
00:18:26,448 --> 00:18:27,862
Shrimp?
483
00:18:27,862 --> 00:18:29,241
Um, no, thank you.
484
00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:30,689
Shortbread?
485
00:18:30,689 --> 00:18:31,689
Um, no.
486
00:18:32,689 --> 00:18:34,241
Tootsie Roll Midgees?
487
00:18:34,241 --> 00:18:35,758
Excuse me?
488
00:18:35,758 --> 00:18:38,172
What? That's what
they're called.
489
00:18:38,172 --> 00:18:40,241
This is what
I'm talking about.
490
00:18:40,241 --> 00:18:43,000
These jokes are not even
funny. They're just cheap.
491
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,689
So is the Indian
food I had for lunch.
492
00:18:45,689 --> 00:18:46,931
I'm so sorry to do this,
493
00:18:46,931 --> 00:18:48,517
but will you excuse
me for a few minutes?
494
00:18:48,517 --> 00:18:50,620
I've really gotta go
to the ladies room.
495
00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:53,344
What?! Are you serious?
496
00:18:53,344 --> 00:18:54,586
Aw, this stinks?
497
00:18:54,586 --> 00:18:55,827
Yeah, it's gonna
stink even worse
498
00:18:55,827 --> 00:18:58,586
if I don't get to
the restroom in time.
499
00:18:58,586 --> 00:18:59,586
Be right back.
500
00:19:06,517 --> 00:19:07,724
Oh honey, don't mind me.
501
00:19:07,724 --> 00:19:09,551
I'm just here to empty
this waste basket.
502
00:19:09,551 --> 00:19:10,758
Oh, okay.
503
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:13,655
Speaking of which,
you cannot even imagine
504
00:19:13,655 --> 00:19:15,896
what I've found in this
waste paper basket.
505
00:19:15,896 --> 00:19:18,137
Soil, pantyhose,
506
00:19:18,137 --> 00:19:21,000
Japanese squid porn,
507
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,413
used syringes.
508
00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:28,241
Now I'm not suggesting that
that skank is shootin' smack.
509
00:19:28,241 --> 00:19:30,172
And as we both know,
she's far too fat
510
00:19:30,172 --> 00:19:31,931
for that to be making any sense.
511
00:19:31,931 --> 00:19:33,827
And it certainly isn't any
512
00:19:33,827 --> 00:19:37,689
do-it-yourself Botox, because
that bitch has more crows feet
513
00:19:37,689 --> 00:19:39,896
on her face than Tippi Hedren.
514
00:19:39,896 --> 00:19:42,413
But I'm telling you, I know,
like I know, like I know,
515
00:19:42,413 --> 00:19:44,241
she's mainlining something.
516
00:19:44,241 --> 00:19:45,655
You should be careful.
517
00:19:45,655 --> 00:19:47,310
She'll be back any moment now.
518
00:19:47,310 --> 00:19:48,965
Oh honey, she's
shitting her brains out.
519
00:19:48,965 --> 00:19:50,206
We got plenty of time.
520
00:19:50,206 --> 00:19:51,551
So tell me what's
going on with you.
521
00:19:51,551 --> 00:19:53,103
What's wrong?
522
00:19:53,103 --> 00:19:55,517
Oh my God. Who is that?!
523
00:19:55,517 --> 00:19:58,103
Oh, that's Dr. Jackie's son.
524
00:19:58,103 --> 00:20:00,896
How you doing Bat Wing?
525
00:20:00,896 --> 00:20:03,000
Don't worry about
him. He's harmless.
526
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,896
Actually, being
Dr. Jackie's son,
527
00:20:04,896 --> 00:20:06,862
I'm surprised that
he's only addicted
528
00:20:06,862 --> 00:20:10,034
to black lipstick and
not black tar heroin.
529
00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:12,931
So tell me, baby girl,
why are you care?
530
00:20:13,758 --> 00:20:15,689
Sorry. That's personal
531
00:20:15,689 --> 00:20:16,965
Honey, honey, honey.
532
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:19,344
You're paying $300
an hour to someone
533
00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:22,206
who is 10 times
crazier than you are
534
00:20:22,206 --> 00:20:24,000
when all you really need
535
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,586
is a common sense tia
like me to talk to.
536
00:20:27,586 --> 00:20:29,655
Well, honestly?
537
00:20:29,655 --> 00:20:32,931
I'm just sick of people
being disrespectful
538
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:34,620
and condescending to me
539
00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:36,655
just because I'm
a little person.
540
00:20:36,655 --> 00:20:38,137
You...
541
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:39,655
are magic.
542
00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:44,620
You are a unicorn in
God's cigar box of rocks.
543
00:20:45,793 --> 00:20:48,620
You, my child are a
mother fucking diamond.
544
00:20:49,551 --> 00:20:51,034
So you listen to me.
545
00:20:51,034 --> 00:20:55,000
Anytime anybody gives you
any grief, you remember this.
546
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,000
You tell them to
fuck right on off.
547
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,034
Thank you so much, um...
548
00:21:02,034 --> 00:21:05,000
Muffy. And don't mention it.
549
00:21:06,758 --> 00:21:10,517
Well, I guess I better run,
go put on a hazmat suit.
550
00:21:10,517 --> 00:21:12,551
Time to give that
bathroom a good scrubbing
551
00:21:12,551 --> 00:21:15,620
now that old Jumbo is finished
spraying her enclosure.
552
00:21:16,586 --> 00:21:17,517
Ew.
553
00:21:17,517 --> 00:21:18,862
Oh, and one more thing,
554
00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:20,379
and you didn't hear
this from me...
555
00:21:20,379 --> 00:21:21,586
Mm-hmm?
556
00:21:21,586 --> 00:21:23,034
Despite the fact
that she claims to be
557
00:21:23,034 --> 00:21:27,000
a world famous sex
therapist, that bitch?
558
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,000
She can't fuck.
559
00:21:32,896 --> 00:21:34,758
Oh, I'm back.
560
00:21:34,758 --> 00:21:37,655
I'm so sorry, honey.
Now, where were we?
561
00:21:37,655 --> 00:21:40,137
I feel great. I
had a breakthrough.
562
00:21:40,137 --> 00:21:42,000
I now feel fully equipped
563
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,103
to deal with the
assholes of the world.
564
00:21:45,310 --> 00:21:48,586
Well, great. I,
you're welcome.
565
00:21:48,586 --> 00:21:50,413
I mean, it's what
I do, you know?
566
00:21:50,413 --> 00:21:52,793
So I mean, I can't
really take credit.
567
00:21:52,793 --> 00:21:56,000
It's just God
working through me.
568
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,517
Now, I want you to
569
00:21:57,517 --> 00:22:00,172
go out there and I want you
to knock him dead little lady.
570
00:22:00,172 --> 00:22:01,448
Huh?
571
00:22:01,448 --> 00:22:06,000
And if you ever feel
depressed or small,
572
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,137
I want you to just be grateful
573
00:22:08,137 --> 00:22:10,896
that you're not in a tree
somewhere making cookies
574
00:22:10,896 --> 00:22:12,413
or working at the North Pole
575
00:22:12,413 --> 00:22:15,620
or in a dinner theater
production of the Wizard of Oz.
576
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:22,000
Fuck off, fatty!
577
00:22:29,793 --> 00:22:31,241
Fatty?
38534
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