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SMALL TOWN KILLERS

Well...

So, all you think about is sex?

His head is bursting with sex thoughts.

Gritt, let's let lb answer for himself.
I think lb is able to.

Well, answer for yourself, lb. Tell
Aniannani that your head is full of sex.

No, no, I do sometimes have
other thoughts in my head.

If I ask him to water the plants,
he gets a hard-on.

- Oh?
- He can't even reach the window sill.

Oh my.

It's only because
I think she's so gorgeous.

Well, that's great, Gritt.
Isn't it?

You have a man who wants you.
I'm sure many women would envy you that.

Sure, but does everything have
to be about sex all the time?

The public domain is crammed with sex.

- You can't even open a magazine.
- No...

If I go online to find a good offer,
I get a picture of a wiener.

Yuckie.

And if you can't even
go to your own house -

- and lie down in your own bed without
being confronted with sex there, too...

Where the devil will it end?

Hi there, you hot piece of ass.

Hi.

So, who are you then?

Oh, I'm just Ingrid's ass.

Oh, I see.

How would you like me to grope you?

Well, go ahead.

Stop talking to my butt as if
it's a pet. You'll confuse Little Per.

You're making me nervous.
It's sick, Edward.

Why do you have to rehearse
that fancy-pants dance every night?

Fancy-pants dance?
Salsa is an art form.

But then again, your head isn't filled
with art but stone wool, more like it.

When was the last time we fucked?
When was it?

- Do you know your Danish history?
- Sure. I live with the Grauballe Man.

- That bog body gets more sex than me.
- Call lb.

- I'm not in the mood for sex with lb.
- Don't you have to go to work?

You and lb and your wieners.

Maybe they'll let you
have a go after work.

Don't be embarrassed about being a man.

But I think about sex all the time.

It's because you never get laid.

If you did, you wouldn't
think about it all the time.

It's like breathing.

If you were sitting in a submarine
running out of oxygen -

- you'd think about breathing
all the time.

Women don't understand
that sex is our way of breathing.

Our dick is kinda like our third lung.

Gritt still wants to have kids,
but I'm not keen on it.

Of course not. They climb into bed
and lie in the crack.

Kids are crap.
There's no upside to it. None at all.

There's nothing doing with Ingrid.
She doesn't want to have sex.

Even if I promise
it'll only take 15 seconds.

So, problems at home?

The bricks are on back order,
Mrs. Hansen. It's a load of bull.

But aren't bricks always available?

Bricks aren't just bricks,
as I've told you once before.

- I just need a new wall.
- Right, and Rome was built in a day.

I clean forgot.
Thanks for reminding me, Mrs. Hansen.

Thanks a lot.

There are two kinds of customers.

With one kind,
you're only in it for the cool cash.

With the other kind, like you,
you put your heart into it.

- And finish the job!
- Yes, absolutely.

Van Gogh didn't paint for the money.
He painted with his heart.

Are you quite sure
you've got time for this?

Hey, there's our radio and stuff.

We wouldn't leave our radio and stuff
here if we weren't working here.

lb has been on the phone all morning
about those bricks.

We almost gave up on you,
but then, your radio and stuff are here.

- Honestly, have you got time for this?
- No...

- Look, Steen.
- Henrik.

There are two kinds of customers. With
one kind, you're in it for the cash.

- With the other, you put this into it.
- Your heart.

That's what you said a month ago.

I thought you wanted the bill dealt with
under the table.

Didn't they want the bill dealt with
under the table? I thought so.

But, Steen,
we'll do it by the book. No worries.

It's gonna cost you, but if you want
to upgrade to Business Class -

- we'll do it. We can upgrade Steen
and Pernille to Business Class, right?

Sure. You get to sit up front with
champagne and silverware everywhere.

No, no, that's not
what we want, right, Henrik?

No, no.

- We'll just wait.
- Or we can wait. Whatever you want.

We've filled the book for the next six
months. How many jobs are undeclared?

Just about half a million kroner.

Ingrid is faking it the other way round.

- The few times I get to sneak it in.
- The other way round?

She pretends not to come, but she does.
I can tell that she's coming, lb.

She stuffs her hand in her mouth
and thinks I don't notice.

But she's coming alright.
She's coming hard.

- But why does she do that?
- So I won't see I give her pleasure.

Oh no, Heinz.

Hey there, Laurel and Hardy.
Hans and Fritz.

Or what are the names of
the two guys from Dumb and Dumber?

- Harry and Lloyd.
- Exactly. How's life, Harry and Lloyd?

Careful or you might shoot yourself
in the thigh with that thing.

This thing...
is a Korth Combat.357 Magnum.

It goes by another name, too.
"Responsibility".

The responsibility for making sure
citizens can sleep at night.

- Do you tuck in?
- Terrorists don't sleep at night.

Some people have to be vigilant, 24-7.

You may very well ask:
What's gonna happen in Nibe?

We go to work, watch X Factor, drive
scummy cars and eat humid sandwiches.

Peace and quiet everywhere.

But that's just
what they want us to believe.

Nibe doesn't even show up
on Google Earth.

It's one big grey pixel. The little
yellow man can't move an inch.

Anyway, what would the terrorists
blow up? The local bus stop?

- What do you need all those radios for?
- You can learn a lot from the radio.

I just checked up on your tax returns.

Your little juggernaut of a company
sure rakes in money.

- 125,000 kroner a year.
- That much?

Not bad.

You're frigging pathetic.

Your wives drive Mercedes
and dance in high heels with Malte -

- while you sit here looking like a
couple of early retirees from Bulgaria.

Dumb and Dumber.
Don't make me laugh.

Your right tail light is out.
Have a nice day.

Come here, my angels.
Come.

We may be in a small town,
but we don't think small -

- because salsa is in-ter-na-tio-nal.

Understand? When we shake
our booties to salsa in Nibe -

- they shake their booties
to salsa in Cuba or Rio -

- in exactly the same way.

We're one big family.
One big pulse -

- beating away inside of us -

- men and women.

We started this class
when fate brought me to Nibe.

And I saw all these withered Danes
under the grey sky.

Then something happened.

Suddenly you grew
into goddamn towering tulips.

Up through the frozen earth,
and you blossomed -

- and tasted
the sweet pain of the salsa.

Desire and sensuality.

And now, dear friends,
it's time to "haul ass", as you say.

- Are you ready to haul ass?
- Yes!

Five, six, seven, eight.

Come to Papa!

Salsa for Papi!

Malte is such a breath of fresh air.

It doesn't matter if you're from
Nibe or Hollywood.

You grow with him.
I feel I've grown.

Malte has helped us grow, hasn't he?

If Malte wasn't gay,
I bet he'd be a fantastic lover.

Hey!

You can be a good lover
even though you're abnormal.

- Got anything against gays?
- Edward's afraid of gays.

I just don't get gay sex.
Two little bald men headbutting away.

- Men have a hole too.
- Made for something else.

Oh, I don't know.
lb often circles around that hole.

- Come on, Gritt!
- Like a hungry cat around a pâté.

But that's one way
to avoid having children.

When Edward and I loved each other,
we talked about children, too -

- but then we got Little Per.

- Little Per is your surrogate child.
- Hell no!

Is it wrong, if your husband's sperm
quality is okay, to look for a donor?

Women should be free to use the sperm
they want. And lb doesn't want kids.

Try talking a bit louder.
Table 5 can't hear you.

- It must be hard with a guy his size.
- For fuck's sake!

I often think about it when I see you
side by side. He's huge and you're tiny.

- How does he...
- Get it in?

- Yes, technically.
- Well, he only manages to peek in.

- Kinda like the Little Match Girl.
- "Hullo!"

In a little turtleneck.

It's all down to position. No guy can
get in from all corners of the world.

And it's down to how wide
the woman can spread her legs.

- What do you mean, Edward?
- Is this wine sour?

It's sour!
Bent, what kind of red wine is this?

It is...

It is...

It is -

- a red wine.

- Well, I can see that. It's red.
- Leave Bent alone.

- Fine, Bent. Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Who the hell hires a spazz as a waiter?
How does he serve soup?

- I'd like to announce to the table...
- Good thing he isn't a brain surgeon.

I have no problem spreading my legs.
I could do the splits until recently.

Gritt's parents thought for a long time
that Gritt would become a model -

- but then she stopped growing
at the age of 12.

Right!

I guess five-foot tall models
aren't in huge demand -

- unless it's for a hobbit movie.

But hey, good for fairy Malte
that he makes you grow and grow -

- and believe that Hollywood
is located in the church -

- every day between 8 and 10 p.m.

- lb, we're done with this shit.
- What do you mean?

Heinz is right.
We are Dumb and Dumber.

But we're still young, lb.
We've got money-

- and we've worked our asses off
ever since we got kicked out of school.

Let's go to Phuket.
We can live like kings there.

We deserve better.

I didn't like the atmosphere in there.
It got a little embarrassing.

Yeah, just a little perhaps.
You're right, lb.

And we won't get any pussy tonight,
anyway.

Precisely.

We lead an empty and pussy-less life.

- Let's get a divorce.
- You mean that?

I sure as hell do!

- Who recommended me to you?
- No one.

You were the cheapest hit
on PriceRunner.

- You want a divorce?
- Yes. It's gone all Bulgarian on us.

- It's gotten boring.
- Any infidelity?

Not unless dancing with a sissy Swede
qualifies as infidelity.

- So is that you?
- Me?

Who dances around
with a sissy Swede?

We're not the ones getting a divorce.
Hell no.

- No, we're married to our wife.
- To the same woman? But you can't!

- No, we've got one each.
- I see.

So you want to divorce your wives
so you two can get married?

No, we just want to divorce them.

We thought we'd save money
if we chipped in.

- Chipped in?
- Yeah, for you.

- Yes, well, the divorce rules...
- Let me just say one thing.

We want to take good care of the girls.
They must never want for anything.

They haven't lifted a finger
in ten years -

- but we won't leave them in the ditch
without a penny.

- I agree.
- The rules are simple.

- You share everything.
- Sure. They should have their share.

When I look at your assets -

- it all looks pretty good.
Two cars...

Houses...

Property valuation, bills -

- and all of that. You have
pretty large pension savings, huh?

And... Oh, not bad.

All in all...

Yes!

- 2.5 for each.
- Thousand?

- But that's not a whole lot.
- Million.

You have a large equity in your houses
seeing as you built them yourselves.

Add to that alimony amounting
to 4-5,000 kroner a month, minimum.

I hope you feel it was worth it.
On the other hand...

... you got the lawyer cheaper.

Well, I have a meeting now.

Feel free to hang around
and recover from the blow.

Kleenex.
Chipped in...!

- Edward...
- I think I'm going to be sick, lb.

We've got the undeclared money.
Nobody knows about that.

Of course!
lb, we've got the undeclared money.

What the hell is going on?

Oh my lord!

She's on her knees.

That's fucking disgusting.
It's not fair.

He's not even handsome.

- Please repeat that.
- Well, that's the lie of the land.

We've reached the end-station.
You'll get some hard cash -

- and we'll skip the lawyer crap
that only serves to confuse you.

- Please say it one more time.
- Well, we've reached the end-station.

You'll get some hard cash and we'll skip
the lawyer crap that only confuses you.

- It what?
- Confuses you. All that paperwork...

Do I look like an idiot?
Huh?

We have assets worth
five million kroner.

Add to that maximum alimony,
not to mention all the undeclared money.

- What undeclared money do you mean?
- What undeclared money?

- There isn't any undeclared money.
- It's in the fridge in the cellar.

What cellar?

Well, that...

That's the fridge in the cellar.
You're spying on us?

As you said,
we've reached the end-station -

- so one of us has to get off
and walk back -

- and it's only fair that it's you.
You always wear sensible work shoes.

I'm more of a stiletto girl.

- Piglet.
- Yes?

I know this may come as a shock.

How odd!
Ingrid's getting divorced today, too.

Our money. All our money!

We had it all!

Let's just drop the whole idea
and get a sex life online.

- No!
- Yes!

Sex involves both hands.

Both hands!

Both hands!

If only they'd never existed.

It would be so much easier to get
divorced if they weren't there.

You don't have to give half
of everything to someone -

- if they aren't there. If none of us
existed, we wouldn't have a problem.

- Do you know what you're saying?
- Yes! No...

If they weren't here...

- How about we hire a hitman?
- Yes.

- From the east. From Russia.
- Yes!

They're sick in the head.
And they're broke.

We'll send for one.

Bang bang.

Wham bang thank you ma'am.

Edward...

Yeah, a guy from the East.

Hello.
Hi, Edward. So you're awake?

No, he's been asleep for 48 hours.
Or maybe he's dead. I didn't check.

Are you dead?

- You hired a Russian hitman!
- I was drunk!

So was I, but I didn't hire
a goddamn Russian hitman!

A Russian hitman.
I'm going insane!

Stupid, stupid Edward!

Gritt, I'm sorry!

Stupid, stupid Edward!

Shit! You're gonna have
to call it off. It's as simple as that.

Write and call the whole thing off.

I told you already, I tried.
The link expired.

You pay half, and the link expires.
That's the deal when you hire a hitman.

All that's left is this.
Igor Lad... whatever.

Arrival from Kiev 2:45 p.m.

He's on his way?!

Maybe he won't recognize us.
All he knows is that we live in Nibe -

- and there are lots of people in Nibe.
A whole lot.

There are people living in Nibe
in all kinds of houses.

But he's got the email address
and the name.

He knows exactly where to go.
He's a professional killer, lb.

I've got it. Let's go to the airport
and tell him it's a misunderstanding.

Good idea. We'll give him a decent tip
and say it's all a misunderstanding.

How hard can it be?

- What if 100 dollars isn't enough?
- Hell, it's a year's income in Russia.

- Got the return ticket?
- Yup. Moscow 6:45 p.m.

- Good. And then this never happened.
- It already never happened.

We'll treat him to a steak
and a couple of bottles of Rioja -

- and there you have it.

Oh my...

He sure is drunk.

I'll give him that.
Impressive.

My friends...
My friends.

Hi.

- Is he a friend of yours?
- Nah, we don't really know him.

- Then why are you holding his name?
- Well...

- What's his business here?
- We're builders.

- Igor's here to help us... build.
- Nothing illegal.

But we don't need him after all,
so we've bought him a return ticket.

No way.
He's not flying in that state.

Get him out of here.
Immediately!

We'll take a taxi to the Scandic.
We won't draw attention in a taxi.

We'll get him a room, pour
some coffee on him to sober him up -

- and then we go back here,
he flies back home -

- we go home.
It never happened.

Your friend is okay, right?
He can't puke in my taxi...

I'm gonna get really mad.

He's from Russia.
They hardly ever puke.

Infidel Russian.

Godless pig eater,
drunk, foolish dog!

I curse you to hell -

- and I'm going to take a long,
expensive detour to steal your money!

You damn Taliban bastard.

I curse you and your family
and hope you burn in hell.

You talking to me,
you Russian son of a bitch?

I'm going to pull out your intestines
through your filthy throat -

- and hang you in the nearest tree!

Damn you! I'm going to do that to you,
you filthy shit-for-brains!

Stop... stop.

You son of a bitch! I'm going
to kill you, you crazy bastard!

- Stop the car!
- What stop?! Where stop?!

You crazy Russian!

I'll kill you good! We kicked
your entire family out of your country!

Come here, you..!

I can't deal with all that negative
energy in such a confined space.

So much... hatred
between people, Edward.

We're going to sober him up,
and then we're going home.

Well, let's get... going.

Taliban monkey not so loud anymore.

But you don't worry, you my friends.
Igor kill for free.

Besides, he don't care.
He wasn't happy.

Now, I promise he's much happier now
with his 72 fucking virgins.

Now he's happier.
Now he's with his virgins. I'm sorry.

For fuck's sake.
lb, this isn't happening, is it?

We're going to jail on account of a
drunk Russian that we don't even know.

Edward, we have to take him home with
us. And we can't just leave the body.

- Someone's gonna find him.
- Someone?

That poor immigrant guy and his
immigrant kids who are now fatherless.

Maybe he's a fucking ISIS who whips
his family with the Quran every night.

But you don't know that!
Prejudice... bah!

Well, Igor, let's go.

- Let's go get a beer at the inn.
- But what if the girls come home?

Gritt said they were sleeping at your
place. It's just you and me tonight.

Are there any real men left?

I really want a child.

I'm going on 40, and my ovaries
are beginning to look like prunes.

Soon I can only have kids
with nuchal folds.

Yuck!

- I thought we were going to my place.
- You never have any wine.

Will we be happy without them?

Oh, come on.
We're gonna have a ball!

You'll meet other men who look you
in the eye instead of ogling your ass.

Who can dance, think and go
to the art museum and watch PBS -

- and who talk about other stuff
than stone wool.

- Is this the reception?
- Is he one of their Poles?

- Where is the mini bar?
- How dare he prance in like that?

They stay in the cellar from time
to time, but they never come upstairs.

Life is nothing without beauty and love.
Love is what makes you happy -

- and if you're not happy,
there is no reason to live.

So when Igor meets two beautiful women,
he sees lots of love -

- and that makes him very happy.

And I do not say that because I'm drunk.

Igor is always drunk
and sees ugly women all the time.

But you are very, very,
very beautiful.

Who says you can leave your cellar?

Who says you can leave your cellar?

You are so hungry woman.

You are like a juicy wet oasis. An oasis
just waiting to feed a thirsty man -

- but you, so beautiful, where is your
thirsty man? No one drinks from you.

And you, beautiful.
Like a painting by Da Vinci.

Please come. Please.

Please!

Where is your man to see
your secret smile, beautiful lips?

I like it very much.
Beautiful.

Thank you.

- Well, Malte, our dance teacher...
- Dance teacher?

He thinks we are very passionate.
He's a Swede.

Gay, of course, and sometimes
he compares us to two tulips.

You tulips? But tulip is nothing
but the stupid vegetable.

You are not vegetables!
You are women made of flesh and blood!

- This is for every virgin I ever loved.
- Oh my.

She feels a little pain
and I see the tear in her eye.

And Igor says:
If she feels a little pain -

- so Igor shall feel a little pain, too.

So I stab myself every time with knife,
very painful.

You know, guys from the Eastern bloc
can be very romantic.

- You can say that again.
- Very.

Can I...

What's this?

- It's also women you...?
- No.

This is all the men I killed.

- What?
- So you really tried to kill somebody?

- Okay.
- How is it?

- To kill somebody?
- Yes.

Oh, it's nothing.

First they breathe,
then they don't breathe.

So, you stay long here in Nibe?

As long as it takes.

- Do you know lb and Edward?
- Yes.

They are my new friends.

- You keep secrets with me?
- Of course.

Wives not make them happy anymore.

What do you precisely mean by that?

Igor help them
not to be unhappy anymore.

How?

I kill them.

You know where I can find them?

Igor?

You need something
stronger than wine, yes.

- You need whisky.
- Okay.

Where am I, by the way?
Is this hotel lobby?

We go and we buy...

... whisky.
Lots of whisky.

And you can stay here in hotel lobby.

- What are we gonna do?
- Get in the car!

You're too drunk to drive.

- I think I've peed my pants.
- Shit, Gritt!

We're married to a couple of killers!

I don't remember
when I last peed my pants.

Fuck!
Ever heard anything that wild?

Maybe it was at camp in '92...

You don't chip in for a hitman.
If anyone's gonna kill me -

- I want my own personal killer.

I peed on my shoes... everywhere.

- And then I saw...
- Have you been drinking?

What the fuck do you think?
Do I seem sober or shitfaced?

Down my legs and into my shoes...

"What is this?
Did you pee your pants?"

I peed my pants.

Damn! It burst.
That's a first.

Get out of the car.

And the bitches can sleep on the couch
in a studio apartment on loser street.

Loser street.

They go see a lawyer only to find out
they're married to two strong women.

Strong women
who knows their rights, Gritt.

- Free women like you and me, Gritt.
- Yeah, we're totally free.

We may very well be from Nibe -

- but Malte says
this might as well be Hollywood -

- and those women over there know how
to squeeze the last cent out of a man.

- The last cunt?
- No, the last cent out of a man.

We'll show them!

We have a future, Gritt.
We can dance our way through life.

- They can only sit on their fat asses.
- Hell, we'll convert Malte.

- Yeah, why not?
- With our gigantic big balls.

We rock!

We'll be lucky to find a drop of blood
in your alcohol. What were you thinking?

- You're looking at a minimum of...
- Where?

- Where are you going?
- Where's the cell, Heinz?

Down the end of the hall, 9 o'clock.

He's been awake.

No man can drink that much.

Why don't we just tell the police?

- The police?
- Yes.

"Why don't we just tell the police?"

- What can the police do?
- They can fix it.

- Fix it? The police?
- Yes.

No, they'll put them away for a couple
of years, and when they're released -

- they'll rob us of everything anyway.

The police!

If they can hire a killer...

... why can't we?

Well, because it's against the law.

- Against the law?
- Yes.

No, it's equality!

It's equality, Gritt. Hey!

We have just as much right
to be bastards as men.

Sure.

- Okay.
- I'll tell you what we're gonna do...

- Sure this is a good idea?
- We have to defend ourselves.

- And Igor? Think she's a match for him?
- Wait and see. This girl is special.

The British have got style. Downton
Abbey, Midsomer Murders and so on.

The British are posh.
Discreet and soundless.

When something is really complicated -

- they just sweep it under the rug.

- I need to go pee again.
- And I'm thirsty.

- Shouldn't she have landed by now?
- I need some wine.

Excuse me.
Where do you come from?

Oh, I'm sorry, young man.

I didn't think that
you'd be taking any interest -

- in a silly old woman like me.
I'm flattered, dear.

It's check-up day today,
so pure routine.

I understand, dear.

Now, what am I smuggling into this
lovely little country of yours today?

Hard drugs, endangered species
or lethal weapons?

- Can I check your bag?
- You most certainly may.

Good God!

Ingrid, I don't like this.

No, but let's go to the summerhouse
and get acquainted, okay?

Sure she's not crazy? I think
she's straight out of a horror movie.

No, she's just an oddball.

You can't get enough of oddballs.
They're just barmy.

Mrs. Nipplesworthy, we are going now
to a very nice and cozy place.

- Is there anything you need?
- Liver.

- Liver?
- Liver?

Raw liver.

With a nice bottle of Chianti.

Ladies... ladies!

I'm only messing with you.

So you want me to erase his memory?

Not all of it.
Just the last couple of days maybe.

- What is this all about?
- We'll give you 5,000 kroner.

It's purely business. We brought him in
from the East to help us -

- but he drinks too much.
He's Russian and more or less useless.

Still, we felt bad
having dragged him all the way here -

- only to fire him on the spot.

So we thought it would be better
if he'd never had that experience.

You're so full of crap.

- 20,000.
- Done deal!

- Wait outside.
- Deal.

lb... Where are you going?

Poul?

Poul!

What the hell are you doing?

- Where did you find her again?
- She had a website.

- A website?
- Yeah, to do with euthanasia.

- Euthanasia?
- Yeah.

She worked at a home for many years -

- and was unjustly convicted of having
helped a lot of miserable old -

- really broken old people,
who were dying anyway.

She's dedicated her life to helping
people, who need to die, to die.

And she also helps out
if you need help -

- to make other people,
who need to die, die.

People, who want to die...
but perhaps don't know it yet.

What home did she work at?

- I think it was Broadmoor Home...
- Home for what?

Broadmoor Mental Institution is -

- a well-reputed home
for psychopaths, sweethearts.

Okay.

- You worked there as a nurse, or...?
- Yes, of course.

Yes, of course I was a nurse.

"Now you travel back in your life, Igor.
Now you let yourself fall -

- and see the job you should do."

Igor says this is nuts,
but stupid woman says:

"Yes, you see the job
you should do for lb and Edward."

"No, no," I say. "I don't see any job."

"Oh yes," she says. "You will."

And then she hypnotize.

And then Igor sees all Igor's jobs!
They come to me, everyone of them!

The Taliban swine, the three
horny midgets, the six Chinamen -

- the stupid journalist,
who didn't like my friend Putin -

- the woman with the big dick etc. etc.
So now she starts screaming.

So Igor wake up.
"Why do you scream, stupid woman?"

- So she screams: "Police! Police!"
- Yes, we heard. We heard.

- She never should have locked the door.
- I asked her: "Why do you scream?"

"Please stop screaming, you ugly woman
with ugly glasses. Please stop...!"

Did you really have to...

You know, Igor help.
Igor put her out of her misery.

I could see she was not happy.

Always look for the positive,
my mom always said.

Like when my budgie died.

"See, lb. The good thing
about the budgie dying is -

- that you can get a stuffed budgie now.
Not many people have that."

Maybe all these horrific experiences
are good for us.

I mean, right now we're parked right
in the middle of nature.

Look! A live lark.
It gives you food for thought -

- that in the middle of all this mess
there's still stuff to rejoice in.

Hell, lb, you're going crazy.
Pull yourself together, lb.

No... I didn't mean it like that.

I miss my budgie.

And here comes Heinz.

Well...

So, what's up, Dumb and Dumber?

- Yeah, what's up, Heinz?
- Drunk bitches.

Moonlighting.
What's next?

Now that your missus
has lost her license -

- her Mercedes is just collecting dust
in the garage.

- What do you want, Heinz?
- Why, I want a Mercedes.

- If you can moonlight, so can I.
- Why?

Why?

It's up to you whether I should drive
toward you with the tax man -

- or drive off in a Mercedes.

- Who's that guy?
- Just a friend of ours.

- Yeah, he's just a friend.
- Oh. Does he have a work permit?

Hey there.

I'd like to see your passport,
papers and work permit.

Right away.

- Hello.
- Heinz, he doesn't speak Danish.

- Heinz, you'd better not.
- Frigging Poles.

Don't piss him off.
Igor's from Russia, not Poland.

So what's he gonna do?
Blow on me?

Hey, buster.

Let me see your papers,
passport and work permit.

It's a bad idea, Heinz.
You are a human being after all.

- What?
- You've got a heart, too.

- Haven't you got a wife and kids?
- Not on your life!

- A dad or a mom?
- What the fuck are you talking about?

All the people who love you
and who you love and go on picnics with.

No, all that family crap just isn't me.

So the day you pass away,
no one will mourn you -

- with a cake buffet
and cousins singing country songs?

You're losing it big time.
What the hell are you guys up to?

- Is this your friend?
- No.

I actually feel a bit sad for him,
because you know -

- Heinz is not very happy.

- lb!
- Not happy?

Not happy at all, Igor.

No love, no family-

- and not very happy.

lb, what the fuck are you up to?

- You bet your ass I'm not very happy.
- Damn.

Look, tell me what's going on.
Out of the way, buddy.

You're digging a hole in the middle
of nowhere. What's going on?

What is this?

No!

It's... No, never mind the time!

You're under arrest
and you have the right to one...

He doesn't speak Danish, Heinz.

You have the right to maintain silence,
and according to law you can just...

Okay.

We have more drink?

Well, lb.
This is the end of the road.

Heinz is going to get help.
It's all over -

- and I will accept my punishment.

- It'll ease my gut and my mind...
- Car keys... where are the keys?

We'll get everything out in the open.
Don't worry, I'll take the rap.

No need for both of us to spend 12 years
in the can getting buggered by goons.

Don't get all worked up.
Igor's got a handle on it.

Let's just be happy
that it can't possibly get any worse.

- He missed.
- You're way too negative.

No, we won't get away with this.
I've seen it too many times on TV, lb.

A man walks his dog, and the dog comes
back with a big bone wearing a sock.

Next thing you know,
you're the star of a lame crime docu.

We have to find a better place
where they won't be found.

How slowly would you like it to happen?

How slow?

Now, this will leave them bleeding
for several hours -

- before their eyes pop out
of their heads.

It's quite painful, it must be said.

Meanwhile, now this one...

I call this Autumn Leaves.

This will prolong the process
even further still -

- causing to lose their hair and teeth
over a period of several weeks -

- before finally their skin peels off
like leaves in autumn.

Yes... yes.

Anything tickle your fancy, ladies?

First and foremost -

- I personally don't think
their eyes should pop out.

I think this eye-popping-out thing
sounds a little too much.

What do you think, Ingrid?
Do you think their eyes should...

No, no.

No, personally,
I don't like the eye thing -

- and also I don't know
about the Autumn Leaves.

So difficult to decide.
Right, Gritt?

Yes, it's very difficult.
So many things to choose among.

Maybe it's all a little bit
too dramatic.

Perhaps we could find something
a little more simple.

- More Scandinavian style?
- Yes, more Scandinavian maybe.

You mean dull and dark?

Perhaps we could concentrate on Igor.

And perhaps just give lb and Edward -

- perhaps just a little warning?

A little warning?

Maybe just... I dunno...

Maybe just a little
unexpected diarrhea maybe.

- Diarrhea?
- Just a little pooh-pooh in the pants.

Pooh-pooh!
That would be hysterical.

You asked me to come here.

I packed my things. I put a great deal
of effort into my preparations.

Because that is what we British
stand for. Discipline. Honor.

And last, but not least, the renouncing
of the revolting human body.

And what do I mean by that? Well,
the British do not like the human body.

We live with it, it's true. Because we
have no option. We are forced to do so.

And that is precisely why
I am skilled at what I do.

I am an expert at helping people
vacate their bodies.

That is my calling.
That is my life's work.

I am here to save us all
from our human bodies!

- She's utterly crazy.
- No, we're utterly nuts.

- What the hell are we doing?
- Let's keep a cool head now.

Why the hell didn't we buy more?

I can't think without Chardonnay.
I'm going out for more.

- Are you leaving me alone with that?
- Everything's going to be okay.

I just need some wine.

What a surprise.

- When do you expect to finish it?
- We found a pile of bricks.

And more are on the way from...

From Krakow.

- Isn't it quite wide?
- What do you mean, Mrs. Hansen?

It's almost a meter wide.

Yes, it's a solid wall
that no one can ever tear down again -

- so that they'd find something
or someone inside it.

- Not that there'd be that in a wall.
- Mrs. Hansen.

Thanks, lb.

- Can we have a cup of coffee?
- You bet.

There!

Well, well...

Maybe we should wall him up, too?

I don't think Igor's very happy.

No, it must be hard to sleep with
so many dead people on your conscience.

Tell you what, lb.

- I'm going to tell it to him straight.
- No. Are you crazy?

- I'll keep a civil tone.
- He's gonna kill us. You can't!

Igor... Igor.

It's all a big misunderstanding.
You don't need to kill our wives.

It was just me and lb...
a little crazy one night.

- It's not because we don't like you.
- No, absolutely not.

We like you a lot.
You have a great charisma and...

We also want you to know that we
think you are a very, very good killer.

Oh, absolutely.

Truth is, Igor, we don't want you
to kill anyone anymore.

- You are getting soft.
- Look, Igor.

You don't have to kill your wife
or your husband -

- because you don't make love anymore.

Actually, it's very normal in this
country that you stop having sex -

- when you get married.

Then what do they do?

They... they take care of the dog -

- or the kids.

You know, jog together and go
to Silvan Saturday morning -

- and buy a have grill, for example.

- Have grill?
- You know, cozy time with have grill.

- No.
- No?

You are my friends. I don't want you
to live unhappy lousy lives -

- with your frigid wives.

But wives love us again.
They're not frigid anymore, nope.

Okay.
If they really love you again -

- I want to hear it
from their own mouths.

Not from you two soft chicken.

Of course, Igor.
You're absolutely right.

Of course you should hear it from their
mouths, and you should meet them -

- and you should talk to them. Then they
will tell you how much they love us.

And then you can go home.

- Okay.
- But we'll never talk them into that!

lb, I've got a plan.

How terrible.
The girls haven't said a word.

Both of you at the same time?

Where is God in all this?
Is it work-related?

- I'm sure it is.
- All the stuff you inhale.

I haven't got any wigs for men,
but I can cut these in shape.

You haven't lost your hair yet.

The chemo will make it
come off in giant tufts.

Try them on.

- Hi, lb.
- Bent.

Hi, Edward.

What's up?
How come you look like that?

- lb and Edward have got cancer.
- Yeah, we're gonna be bald as eggs.

Skinheads.

You... you...

You just ought to...

... ought to go to...

Bent thinks you should take up salsa.

Salsa, Bent.
Hell, that's just what we need -

- with a body full of cancer.
For fuck's sake!

- Thank you, Bent.
- You're welcome, my friend.

- Why do we always make fun of Bent?
- Because we always have.

Not before the accident.
We used to look up to him.

He was the best footballer on the team.

And then the ball rolled out in front
of the car on the highway.

He was gone for six months and when
he returned, he'd turned into a spazz.

- I told you, kids are a load of crap.
- But why do we make fun of him?

He never should have chased
that ball on to the goddamn highway.

Because we're afraid
of Spazzy Bent, Edward.

We're afraid of kids. We're afraid
they'll run out in front of the cars.

- Yeah right.
- But he's happy.

- He dances and he's got a sex life.
- And that's strange.

And what have we got?

You want me to throw myself in front
of a car to get laid? That's stupid.

You're not making any goddamn sense.

Gritt, what are you doing?

I can't take it anymore.

I've had it!
No more perverted psychos.

Are you going to dump her in there?

We're going to do like the British.
Sweep it under the rug. Gone!

I want to be normal, Ingrid.

I miss lb and his potbelly.

I don't want to go looking for men
who watch PBS -

- because I know that lb loves me -

- and you're crazy if you can't see
that we've just got our lines crossed.

We used to be happy.
Why can't we be happy again?

I can't take you seriously
if I have to look down on you.

Give me the shovel, quick!

You fucking bitches!

- Hello.
- Igor, this is Edward.

Can you see the house behind you?

It's my house. Gritt and Ingrid are
both waiting for you inside, okay?

- Okay, I kill them?
- No, no!

No, no, Igor. No kill.
They're happy now, very much.

You wanted to hear it
from themselves, right?

Hi, you must be Igor.
I'm Ingrid.

I'm very happy I'm not frigid.
Come in.

Igor, please sit down and have a drink.

I'm Gritt, and I'm very happy
and not frigid.

We are sorry that it's so dark -

- but we forgot
to pay the electricity bill.

lb and Edward told us
about the little mistake.

If you ask me, I don't think
you should kill us. Right, Ingrid?

You see, Igor, we love our husbands
very, very, very much -

- but sometimes marriage gets
a little bit tired, you know?

It's a bit like tide water.
Sometimes the water is high -

- and sometimes it's low.

And for the last day,
the water has been very, very, very low.

- I hate water.
- Yes, of course you hate water.

Who doesn't?
Don't you hate water, Ingrid?

Hate water! I hate water.

But you see, Igor...

Women have so many feelings.
Their heart is so big -

- and sometimes it's like
there's a storm inside. A storm, Igor.

- Shit, lb!
- I remember my first date.

I was only 15,
and Sofus his name was.

I had a good eye to him.
He was in my parallel class.

And after many, many, many months -

- finally he asked if I would walk out
and eat pizza with him.

lb, what the hell are you doing?

I was so nervous and also hungry,
so of course I said yes.

When he kissed me outside
Pizzeria Milano...

... I swear my knees were like rubber
and my heart missed a slag.

You probably are the two ugliest
trannies I have ever laid my eyes on.

I think I am gonna be sick.

- I agree.
- What are you saying?

I am saying you both look like retired
Ukrainian hookers in a car crash.

I'm glad the lights are out.

- How dare you talk to women like that?
- How dare I?

- lb, goddammit.
- You are very ugly.

- Fuck you!
- Please don't.

No!

What the hell got into you, lb?
What the hell got into you, man?!

I won't have him talk
to Gritt like that.

- You're not Gritt, you're lb!
- Where am I? Is my hair okay?

You're not Gritt, you're lb.
You're a man!

It was the woman inside me, Edward.
She came thundering out.

Suddenly I felt breasts,
ovaries and everything.

Suddenly I'd like to have kids.

Give it to me. Give it to me.
Give it to me!

lb, stop looking at me like that.

We have to get outta here!
We must find the girls.

We have to put an end to this!

- Pick up the goddamn phone, Ingrid.
- Ingrid speaking.

- Hi, Ingrid, it's me.
- Hi, Edward.

Look, we have to meet right away!

- Don't you boss me around.
- Oh, I didn't mean to boss you around.

You bet you didn't.
You sound so grumpy.

- No, I'm just a bit stressed out.
- You sound grumpy.

I know I'm grumpy.
We've been over it like 4,000 times.

- But it doesn't sink in, does it?
- We have to meet right away.

Let's meet at the inn, then.

No, we can't meet there.

- What's up?
- Be there.

- We'll meet there. No problem.
- Just be there.

Goddamn it, lb,
We're meeting at the inn.

I couldn't... shit.

Let me out! Fucking bitches!

- What the hell...?
- What the hell happened to you?

- Look, we can't talk here.
- This is a fine place to talk.

You can't hurt us here, you see.

Well, what happened to your killer?

Yes...

- You know?
- We know everything.

As a matter of fact,
we've got Heinz on the phone.

We told him we felt threatened -

- so he's ready to move out
if you try anything.

- Oh, Heinz?
- Right, Gritt?

Why are you looking like that?

Maybe you'd like to explain -

- what the hell is going on
in your sick heads. A hitman?!

This whole mess with the divorce
and the money just really got to us -

- and then we did a stupid thing.

It's very human -

- to mess up and live to regret it.

Maybe it's subconscious.
You do something against your will.

You want to do something -

- but you don't want to after all.

We know what subconscious means.

We'd never kill you
on account of alimony.

Nobody deserves to die. Not you either.

- Do you want me to call the police?
- Mind your own business, will you?

- Aren't they threatening to kill you?
- Do we look dead? No, right?

- Ingrid, you'd better keep it down.
- You don't discuss killing your wife.

- We're discussing them considering it.
- Well, you don't consider it either.

So none of you have ever had
forbidden thoughts?

If only you could blow the head off the
guy who cuts you off at the crossing -

- or the guy blocking the escalator.

Or your husband who always forgets your
anniversary and gives you a blender.

Or when you're busy and stuck
in the line at the supermarket-

- I'm just saying, that makes
some of us think certain thoughts.

- But not you.
- That blender works like a dream.

No, you're so polite and you've
got your head so far up your ass -

- you can look out through your throat.

Don't drink any more!

- She's here.
- Get out!

- It's flat! They're all flat!
- Run!

- They're all flat.
- Taxi! Taxi!

Go!

I don't think
you look very happy tonight.

What is wrong with you people?

You have no problems.
You have no problems.

My mother and father in Murmansk
far away, they have problems.

They live together for 50 years.
They are married for 50 years -

- but they still kiss.

They have problems, they fight.
She hit him, he fall, she pick him up.

But they love each other, they kiss
each other, they fuck each other.

She's very, very big woman,
and he has a very, very small dick.

But you know, a little tiny fuck
is always better than no fuck.

And you have everything. You have
woman, man, car, house, money.

You have everything,
but you have no fuck!

Edward... Edward?
What are you doing, Edward?

Sit.
Sit down, Edward.

I really like you guys, but it just
makes me so sad when I see sad people.

Hello, Igor?
You're alright, you're okay.

You talk about being happy
all the time -

- but are you happy, Igor?
Where is love in your life?

I think you just kill people
because they're like you. Unhappy.

You really think this is some kind
of stupid movie moment?

Yes, Igor. This is where
the good guy talks to the bad guy -

- and he makes him realize
that he's totally wrong.

I haven't seen that work in a movie.

Then you haven't seen many, many movies.

- There's many, many, many movies...
- Name one.

Okay, Igor, then try this one.

Have you ever given it a thought
that maybe people are unhappy-

- just before you're going to kill them,
because you are going to kill them?

Maybe that makes them
just a tiny little bit unhappy.

Think that might just play a tiny little
fucking role, huh, you stupid Russian?

Okay, Edward, now you tell me -

- or I will kill you.

When was the last time
you made your woman happy?

There's never any time! She's going to
her goddamn salsa lessons all the time.

Oh, cut it out!

- Now we have a little time.
- What?

So try to make her happy, Edward.

- Well, what do you want me to say?
- Christ, you're romantic!

- Say something to her.
- Sure.

Sure...

Ingrid, I think you're hot.

And I think
it's a waste of tits and ass...

- Holy crap!
- At least pretend I'm making you happy!

He doesn't understand Danish.
Or would you rather die?

Edward, try to talk about her eyes.

Yes, well... Your eyes are so...

Sure, your eyes are...

... round and blue.

Grey, green, no, brown.

- They're blue-grey, you idiot!
- Shit!

Ingrid, you're always on my mind.
You're with me all the time.

And it's not your ass I see, but your
eyes, because they're really special -

- your eyes are.
Both deep and... naughty.

You have very intense eyes.

I don't understand
why you're with a grump like me.

But then you aren't anymore.

All I know is
that for the rest of my life -

- I'll remember those eyes.

But then that's only
a couple of minutes.

I'm sorry, darling.

Oh, Edward,
I don't want anybody else than you.

If only you were someone else.

That was beautiful.

Edward, you make us happy.

Igor?

Cyanide... 30 seconds.
And nothing...

Haven't tasted such shitty vodka
since I was eight.

No!

No!

The word salsa!

Some say it comes from the sound
the Cuban musicians made -

- while they played.

Others claim it's because
salsa is a blend of many styles.

Like the salsa sauce.
A little bit of everything.

A little soft, a little sweet,
a little spicy.

Like life itself.
We love, we hate.

We fight -

- and we kiss.

Shit, I hate this.
It just isn't me at all.

It's a load of bull.
These clothes are too tight.

They're not intended to be worn.
They make you look stupid.

It's not me at all.

- Well, Gritt and I are off now.
- Already?

Gritt's ovaries hurt.

You're brave.
What about nuchal folds?

With or without nuchal folds.
Ovulation in an hour.

So, you finally finished
the Great Wall of China, huh?

No need for sarcasm.

- How are things with the girls at home?
- Just fine, Mrs. Hansen.

It sure sounds like
you're boring in bed.

- But, Mrs. Hansen...
- Time for a screwdriver!

Oh dear.
Give me a hand, will you?

As for your women...

Men don't understand
it's all about the clitoris.

Most can't even find it.

And not only my late Poul,
but all my lovers.

Couldn't find it.

Searched for it like
it was the Higgs Boson in Switzerland.

They kept licking away
in all the wrong places.

No, I won't climax
if you put my big toe in your mouth!

How about I show you how it's done?

We could all go lie on the sofa.

My crawl space could do
with a nice makeover.

Let's just settle the bill later,
Mrs. Hansen.

Subtitles: Helle Schou Kristiansen
Dansk Video Tekst