All language subtitles for derwq

- [indistinct chatter]
- [buzzer sounds]

[man over P.A.] 2820 and 1611,
you have visitors.

2820 and 1611.

All right, time's up. Let's go.

Really? You started without me?

- Take them. They're stale.
- Hey,

to me, they're like
the black and whites

from William Greenberg.

So, what's new?
Who's shanking who?

Please, the only battles in here

are over sections
of the Financial Times.

- Yeah.
- My kingdom for a fistfight.

- What's that?
- The headshots you asked for.

- Oh, you remembered.
- Imogene remembered.

I didn't personalize them,
but if you give me names,

- I'm happy to.
- Oh.

Oh? What's with the "oh"?

- You got any older ones?
- Older ones?

Yeah, like, from the USO?

The panty pose? You're kidding.

I think that'll
be better for what

the guys are gonna use 'em for.

They're gonna jerk off to them?

They ain't casting
the spring musical.

- And they can't
jerk off to this?
- They can.

Of course they can.
I look fucking amazing.

Hey, buddy,
this doing anything for you?

- Midge.
- Fine. Give me those back.

I'll have Imogene dig up
the USO shots,

and I'll bring them
next month, okay?

Thank you for your service.

I'm a little nervous now
about showing you

this next picture.

Aw, little Rose on the kibbutz.

Wearing vertical
and horizontal stripes.

My mother is rolling over
in her grave.

Tell her she'll meet
her grandfather

in four to six months,
with good behavior.

Just what every little girl
wants to hear.

- Hey, question.
- Yeah?

- Why do you keep coming here?
- For the pat-downs.

You shouldn't
be able to come here.

You should be out on the road.

I need to buy new luggage first.

You should be performing.

- I am.
- You're selling wigs.

I'm selling high-quality dreams.

Of having more hair.

I'm diversifying.

Aren't you always
telling me to do that?

I thought you'd be pleased.
Do you know how much I'm making

- on this wig line?
- Susie...

- Don't.
- She would hate this.

I don't really care
what Susie would think.

- Look, I'm just saying...
- And I'm just saying

I can take care of myself.

You don't have to always
be looking out for me.

I like looking out for you.

And look where that got you.

[Joel] Holy shit.

- [bell tolling]
- Here's another one.

This place is really
crawling with them.

Temples, you get
one Star of David.

Somehow, it still gets
the point across.

- Don't worry, we'll just
rip her right out of there.
- [Reverend Mother] What?

[Joel] And it'll be done

with the utmost respect
and care, Reverend Mother.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

You got rebar in here,
Reverend Mother?

- In all these columns?
- [Reverend Mother] What's
rebar?

You gonna help me
out here or what?

There it is.
St. Xavier's School for Boys.

I got nuns staring daggers.

I went in a boy,
came out a broken soul.

And look at you now,
turning it into a supper club

and about to make
a mountain of cash.

That's my kind of broken soul.

The rulers were always new.
Where did the old ones go?

- Look at the ceiling.
- [scoffs]

That's what the Reverend Mother
said whenever she smacked me.

Great ceiling.

- This was your idea.
- I know.

And it was a great idea.
This room, with a stage?

And they've already got
a kitchen and a parking lot,

so people can drive in
from Jersey.

- I know.
- A parking lot, Arch.

- I know.
- We've been looking for a place
like this for months.

- I know!
- But if you're gonna have
a nervous breakdown

- every time you come here...
- No, I won't.

I'm fine. Honest. Run.

Because we'd have to
start all over.

Places like this
are few and far between.

You sure you don't want
to take me out to that place

you scoped out
in the East Village?

- You were so excited about it.
- Nope. It's jinxed.

The minute I stepped in
and spotted Susie's two goons

from that
waste management show...

- I remember this cabinet.
- I don't like those guys.

I used to hide in this cabinet.

If they're around Susie,
then they're around Midge.

I don't want 'em around Midge.

I wonder if I could still fit.

- Archie, stop.
- You stop.

You've been obsessing
over those guys for weeks.

Because they're
fucking mobsters.

Have you talked
to Midge about them?

No. I'm trying
not to be the bad guy

every time I talk to her.

But you're driving
yourself crazy. Talk to her.

She'll appreciate your concern.

- Would you...
- Aah!
- Archie.

I'm sorry, Reverend Mother.

I see you still haven't learned
to straighten your tie.

Would you both like
to stay for tea?

Well, Reverend Mother,

that's a very kind offer,
but we have to get going.

You can take the tea away,
Sister Clementine.

- They won't be staying.
- [Sister Clementine] Oh,
you heard

I'm a disaster with a teapot?

Uh, no. [chuckles]

- Clementine, was it?
- [chuckles]

Are you flirting with a nun?

She's flirting with me.

Nuns don't flirt.

Do you like honey in your tea?

- Holy shit, she is.
- You know,

however you like to make it
is how I like to take it.

Oh, my God.

You know, we're gonna turn this
into a supper club,

so don't go giving up fun
for Lent.

I do like music and dancing.

Father, forgive me.

[Maggie] You tell her it's

Susie Myerson
and Associates calling.

Who am I?
Why, are you gonna propose?

Just give her the message.

S-O-N. Myerson. Nothing fancy.

And she has the number.
Yes, okay, goodbye.

Excuse me, can I just
drop this off for Ms. Myerson?

- Bin.
- Do you ever look through this?

- It's full.
- Yes, dear.

We look through the bin.
That's our job.

[chuckles] There's dust on them.

Then yours
will really stand out.

Thank you for your materials.

We look forward
to reviewing them. Good morning.

I'm calling from Susie Myerson
and Associates for Ms. Dyer.

Sure, I'll hold.
Excuse me, I need you

to wait in line outside
with everyone else.

Five minutes, I swear.
I'm the next Mort Sahl.

In the line, Mort. Okay,
could I leave a message, then?

Is that her in there?
Hey, Ms. Myerson.

Shelly Liebenthal.
I got a tight five.

Dinah, please. We got to close
this fucking door

so these losers can't see me.

They're not losers,
they're potential clients.

- She's smaller than I pictured.
- [Susie] Alfie.

You're killing me, you know
that? You're killing me.

You sound upset.

- [Susie] You bought
a fucking llama.
- And?

- Why?
- Why does
anyone buy a llama?

For my act, of course.

- Her name is Catherine,
by the way.
- [llama grunts]

- I don't care.
- Well, she does.

I am looking at a $2,000
room service bill.

I know you don't eat, so I'm
gonna assume this is Catherine.

I always remind her
the salad is entr e sized,

but she just won't listen.

And the shitting.
It's got to stop.

I sincerely hope
you're talking about her now.

The Orpheum's pissed.
They sent a bill.

They're gonna have to change
the carpet.

Oh, dear.
I'll speak to Catherine.

Just get her a crate, huh?

And if you see her start
to squat, abracadabra,

make it disappear.

- [llama grunts]
- She's feeling judged.

Goodbye.

Just rent a llama.

Hey, Dinah, we got her yet?

Still leaving messages.

- Keep trying. Maggie!
- [Maggie] Nothing.

Don't look so worried, huh?
You'll get wrinkles.

It's been a week.
Why haven't we heard?

This is how it goes
with these Hollywood fucks.

This part--
this is my part, Susie.

I can feel it. I've never wanted
anything more in my life.

Believe me, I know.

You haven't shut up
about it for two months.

You're driving me crazy.

[exhales] They must've hated me.

You wouldn't have gotten three
callbacks if they hated you.

"Her name was Diana,
but I knew her as DiDi."

Do not do the scene for me
again. I will kill you

- if you do that scene
for me again.
- [sighs]

- [Maggie] Susie, I got her!
- Maggie's got her!

See? We got her.

You go. You stay, you stay,

- you stay, you go, you go.
- [man] What?

Do me a favor,
find out if the voice is real.

Helen. Susie Myerson.

Thanks so much
for getting back to us.

I've owed money to people
who call me less than you do.

[chuckles] What a nice
personal anecdote.

I am calling about my client,
James Howard.

James is terrific.
A genuine talent.

- I adore James.
- I appreciate the love,

but how about an answer?

Soon as I have one.

Helen, is he still
in the running or not?

- He is.
- Mm. And how many others
is he running with?

You know I can't tell you that.

You like hearing your phone
ring all day, Helen?

Jesus. If managing
doesn't work out,

you got a real future
as a union boss.

- It's between him
and one other.
- Who is it? Dick Gregory?

- It's Dick Gregory, right?
- Look, Ms. Myerson,
if it were up to me...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I-It's not up to you?

Who's it up to?

The producer, David Weston.

So, what I'm hearing
is you have no power here?

Well, that's not exactly...

It's all about
this David Weston?

I'm very important
in an advi...

Goodbye.

David Weston.

What the hell?

I don't know. She just
walked in and fell asleep.

- Miriam?
- Hi. I'm ready.

When's the last time you slept?

On the walk over.

You know, you don't
have to work all day,

then do a gig
every night, right?

Every night. Got to stay sharp.

You've got a day job.

Here, open a vein,

- pour this in.
- What'd she say?

She loves you, you're
in the running, but it's not

her decision,
it's the producer's.

So, what should I do?

I'm not good at waiting
around like this. I...

Find a club, tell a joke,

and don't come back here
until I call you.

Hey! Don't you have work?

[gasps] Is it morning or night?

- Still morning.
- I got to get to work.

- Where am I tonight, Dinah?
- Refer to the board, Midge.

Which one am I?

Look for your initials.
We've been through this.

Yes, but there are two "M-M's."

You are little "m-m."
Morty Minsk is the big "M-M."

Why aren't I the big "M-M"?
I was here before Morty.

I figured you'd want
to be more petite.

Well, I do appreciate
that, Dinah,

but can you also make your
big M's and your little m's

look a little more different?

The other night I showed up
for Morty's spot

at The Bitter End,
and let me tell you,

none of us liked that jazz set.

How about you just
write "Midge"?

I can't fit five letters.

That would be too squished.
What about two little hearts?

[yawns] Oh, that would be cute.

Will you just get your
two little hearts out of here

- and go focus on your day job.
- [groans]

Is it morning or night?

Battle station, girls,

because we have a new target:
David Weston.

Steak dinner to the first one
who gets him on the phone.

On it.

Could I get a baked potato?

A steak dinner comes
with a baked potato, Maggie.

Just the baked potato.
I don't need the steak.

So don't eat the steak.

Can't I just order the potato?
It seems like a waste of cow.

You know what? Dinner's off.

Just find David Weston.

Okay, Midge, take your pick.

The solar system
that's missing Earth

or the volcano I dropped

coming out of the subway
just now. Sorry.

I don't know. They both
look like a "B," "B-plus."

This is Ethan
we're talking about here.

Hm...

That's a solid "D-plus"
right there.

- Sold.
- [coughs]

- So nice of you to join us.
- Ooh.

Didn't realize Johnnie Walker
made an aftershave.

Don't shout. Everything hurts.

- Where were you last night?
- Down at 15th Street.

I did a 7:00 set for the
doorman and the waitress.

- Yeesh.
- [Mel] Yeesh, indeed.

Until last night,
I'd never been heckled

by the sound of a napkin
being folded.

Oh, Midge, Reuben Salazar

went on after me
and did your garter belt joke.

Fucking Reuben.
Why steal that joke?

- It doesn't even work
for a guy.
- He did a voice.

I want to punch him in the face.

Now, now, don't go doing that.
Let us punch him in the face.

You fold up all five fingers,
right? That's a fist?

Gordon wants to talk
about the monologue.

- We haven't written it yet.
- He has ideas. Chop, chop.

Ay yi yi.

They're big fans of the show.

- So was Ed Gein.
- Oh, come on, Gordy.

He was. He sent letters
from the madhouse.

They were deeply upsetting,

but not nearly
as upsetting as this.

- Who's Ed Gein?
- They based Psycho on him.

He wore people's skin.

Oh, my goodness.

[Adam] Nice to know
he's tuning in.

Does that count
as two Nielsen views?

Did stuff with the bones, too.
Made necklaces.

I don't want to know
what he made purses from.

Let's table this, guys,
and get to the monologue.

Our topics lately--
the whole feel--

- it's-it's off.
- [Alvin] Any specifics, boss?

We're coming down awfully hard
on Debbie Reynolds lately.

Mel? Anything you want
to add to that?

- Left that wide open for you.
- Rain check.

Hedy's feeling there's a little
too much women-bashing going on,

so let's rethink this.

Oh, maybe we can finally
get Debbie on the show.

I'm sorry.
Why are you in here, Mike?

- What?
- You're never
in these meetings.

I've been in these meetings
for the last five years, George.

George, don't abuse Mike when
the person you're mad at is me.

You? Why would I ever
be mad at you?

George is absolutely furious
with me

'cause I don't want to say the
words "Diddy Doo Diaper Cream"

- on the show, or anywhere.
- [laughter]

I shouldn't have
even said it just now.

Okay, but you can't do a show

without sponsors,
not last time I checked.

We have sponsors.
Great sponsors.

Chevy's a sponsor. I can talk
all night about Chevy.

Well, Diddy Doo outbid Chevy.

They're hungry.
They want to make a mark.

They can make their mark
on someone else's show.

You wanted to revamp the set.

This'll pay for it,
and then some.

Then I'll keep the set.
It's been a lucky set.

Coming down hard
on Debbie Reynolds?

Who are we,
her new husband's bookie?

- Good to have you back, Mel.
- [George] Diddy Doo

is a popular product
and it's a demographic

we're trying to reach.

Babies? We want babies
to watch the show?

Not babies, their mothers.

I've used Diddy Doo,
for what it's worth.

I mean, not on me

personally, but...
Am I the only one?

Well, cute jar, smells good,
but, weirdly, it gave me a rash.

[laughter]

I can't help but harken
back to our radio days, Georgie,

when you got us sponsored
by that weed killer

- Not the weed killer.
- that wound up killing

not weeds
but a dozen senior citizens.

Fourteen. I read about it.

- Beats Ed Gein.
- Maybe they were
using it wrong.

A lot of empty houses
at bingo that week.

Should we get back
to the monologue?

Just meet the reps.

They're coming to the show
tomorrow night.

They're very excited.

Plus, they're throwing
a little soiree after,

a cruise on the Hudson,
all in your honor.

Yeah, I'm not going to that.

It will be very noticeable

if you don't come.

You didn't think it would be
a good idea to check

with your star
before committing him

to a boat ride
with the diaper rash gang?

I'm sorry, Gordon, I...

You didn't think to call?
We share a wall, George.

You didn't want to do
your special knock?

I should've checked with you.
I realize that now.

- So, this is on you.
- I just didn't think
you'd respond this way.

You didn't think I'd maybe
not want to humiliate myself

on national television?

- You used to trust me.
- You used to listen to me.

- Because the network said...
- Fuck the network!

Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to get back

to things that we are actually
gonna do on the show.

I'm sorry, Gordon.

- My apologies.
- Thank you.

Now, seriously, how are we gonna
kick things off tonight?

Well, clearly,
you're coming out in a diaper.

[laughter]

- [Gordon] I say
let's get political again.
- [knock on door]

I'm busy.

Listen, George,
I-I just wanted to say...

I'm sorry, is this you
and David Ben-Gurion?

Yes.

But he's smiling.

[George] He's actually
deeply funny.

There something
I can help you with?

Yes.

I shouldn't have opened
my big fat mouth in there.

It didn't help.

I'll say.

I'm sorry.

Well, I appreciate
you saying that.

And if there's anything
I can do to make it up to you,

I am at your disposal.

How on earth could you help me?

Well, that party tomorrow,
on the boat--

- I could be your pinch hitter.
- A pinch hitter for whom?

For Gordon. Sounds like
you need a little entertainment,

and I'm a comic. I'm also a mom,

and I've got
a million diaper jokes.

I'm good with diapers, ergo
I'm good with diaper people.

That's not a bad idea.

Show them we got a girl writer
who likes the product.

What time do we set sail?

7:30. Don't mention your rash.

My lips are sealed.

- It is gone, isn't it?
- The rash?

Yes, all clear.

- Good.
- Want to check?

No, thank you. Now get out.

What are you gonna wear?

- Out.
- Okay.

[Shirley] Almost done.

Don't fidget.

You don't have to do this,
Mrs. Weissman.

Of course I do. Your earlobes
look positively naked.

- It's obscene.
- But you've already...

- Hey, I'm sewing here.
- Sorry.

I think these will do
quite nicely.

They were my
Grandmother Lehman's.

An awful woman
with exquisite taste.

- Oh, Mrs. Weissman...
- Oh, there goes
the seam, Zelda.

- Sorry. You've already
done so much.
- [sighs]

You let me have my special day
here, in this house,

with all my memories
and cleaning products.

Well, I certainly was not
gonna let you get married

at city hall. That's a place
for third weddings,

when everyone's given up on you.

There.

It wouldn't make it
through the hora,

but coming down the hallway
should be fine.

I found it.

- Oh, Miriam, put that away.
- [Midge] Shirley, look.

Oh.

- There she is,
on her wedding day.
- [gasps]

Not a white rose left
on the Eastern Seaboard.

My God, Rose. Were you
even thinner than you are now?

I was, yes.

And that dress, those shoes.

Oh, they were beautiful shoes.

Your mother has perfect feet
for shoes.

- [fabric tears]
- Oops.

- Zelda.
- I had to move
to see the picture.

Help me help you. If you want
to wear an heirloom

made of cotton candy, fine,
but do as I tell you,

or you'll be taking your vows
in your underwear.

I used to stare at this album
all the time growing up.

Mama, you look so pretty.

I do, don't I?

And Papa looks so scared.

He does, doesn't he?

That's because he knew
what was coming.

What? Mortgages?

No, the wedding night.

Oh, Shirley, please.

[Shirley] No, everyone thinks

it's the ladies who are scared,

but we have mothers,
best friends,

rabbis, school nurses,

magazines scaring
the shit out of us

the minute we get
our first period.

We're ready. The men, however...

I really don't want
to talk about this.

- Joel was ready.
- Am I invisible? Silent?

Do words come out of my mouth
and disappear into the ether?

I'm just saying,
that boat landed at Normandy,

and he stormed the beach.

That's my Joely.

Miriam, this is nightclub talk.

I am not listening to this.

- Twice.
- Oh, my God.

Plus, you two had been
doing it in your bedroom

for two years prior.

Mama, you look so pretty.

Here comes

the bride.
Get up, get up, get up.

[♪ Chopin: "Prelude in D Flat
Major, Op. 28, No. 15"]

If I could've had
ten minutes with his pants,

he'd look so much better.

I should've given him a suit.

- We did all we could do.
We have to let it go.
- [Piotr] Be seated.

- How much longer
is he gonna play?
- Hard to say.

Is this a wedding or a recital?

This is Chopin, people.

It's one of his most famous
works. It tells a story.

You don't just stop.

Chopin will forgive you, Papa.
Wrap it up.

[plays "Shave and a Haircut,
Two Bits"]

Happy?

[Piotr] Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

to join together
this man and this woman

in holy matrimony...

Do you remember the day
Zelda arrived at our door?

- No.
- [Piotr] ...signifying
unto us the mystical

union that betwixt Christ
and his Church...

Well, we know what side he's on.

Therefore, if any man present

can show just cause

why they may not be
lawfully joined together,

let him now speak, or else,

- hereafter, hold his peace.
- Mm.

- [whispers indistinctly]
- [Piotr] And now, Zelda

and Janusz have each written
their own vows.

Zelda?

Slowly, Zelda, slowly.

Janusz,

I love you.

I love everything about you.

I love that you are on time.

I love that you
hang pictures straight

and always without measuring,
perfectly centered.

I love that you
don't lose money.

I love that you never stain
a wooden spoon.

I love that you lift
with your legs.

And I love...

that I am your wife.

[Piotr] Now, Janusz.

Mine has been
a life of hardship.

Cold winters.
Many nights, no sleep.

My family lived day to day,

but I was good with tools.

I could fix what was broken,

and that was to be my life,
I thought.

And then I meet you, Zelda.

I did not know I was broken

until you were the one
to have fixed me.

- [crying] Oh, Jesus.
- Moishe.

[crying] He's killing me, Shirl.

[Janusz] I will be providing
for you. You will be

wanting for nothing.

- [Moishe blows nose loudly]
- Now, you will finally

get to enjoy life,

without burden, never having
to work another single day

for as long as you live.

What did he say?

I'm not quite sure.
His accent is so thick.

Did he say she would
never work again?

- I don't know.
- Miriam,

what did he say?

[whispers] What? Papa, stop. I'm
trying to listen to the vows.

Rose, is she quitting?

What is wrong with you people?

And I am your Janusz
until we die,

together,

- peacefully, let's hope.
- [both chuckle]

Abe, are we losing Zelda?

"Never having to work
another day"

is pretty cut-and-dry.
We're work.

- Shh.
- We're not just work,
we're family.

This is how she tells us?

Hey! There's a man
speaking Polish up here.

And what did he mean,
"without burden"?

Have we been a burden
to Zelda all these years?

Mama, Papa, knock it off.

I don't know why you're being
so calm right now.

Because our Zelda's
getting married.

Apparently our Zelda
thinks we're a burden,

that includes you.

What? No, it doesn't.

Most of her day is spent
taking care of your children.

Yes, she loves them.
They're like family.

Are you sure about that?

My children are not the burden.

He was talking about you guys.

Either way, you're losing

your childcare.

Oh.

Did that sound like
Zelda was quitting to you?

I couldn't tell you
what's what anymore,

- everything's in Polish.
- If she quits, we're screwed.

- Who's gonna watch the kids?
- Oh, God.

Zelda brings them
by the club after school

when I can't pick them up.
This is not good.

Excuse me, guys, Father Piotr,

but is it too late
to make an objection?

- I'm sorry?
- Oy gevalt.

Well, not an objection, per se.

A r-request for
clarification, really.

I'm just wondering,

when you say the bride
will "finally enjoy" her life,

uh, when exactly
will she start enjoying it?

Are we thinking end of the year?

Through the summer?

We have that cocktail party
in May for my clients.

Uh, could the bride
start to enjoy her life

after the cocktail party?

Oh, a-and would the bride
still be able to pick Ethan up

from school Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays,

or was that part
of the burden, too?

Pipe down, all of you.

You're making Jews
look loud and obnoxious!

[fabric tears]

Damn it!

As Janusz and Zelda
have consented

to holy wedlock before God,

I pronounce that they be

man and wife together.

In the name of the Father,
of the Son,

and of the Holy Ghost.

Amen.

- [chuckles]
- [applause]

This reminds me of our wedding.

Your mother had her head
up my skirt

the entire night.

[chuckles]

Just called down to see
if little Katrina in 3B

- is still looking to babysit.
- And?

Turns out she now has two
littler Katrinas of her own

and needs a babysitter.

Wasn't she 12, like, a year ago?

Hope not.

Vodka? It's ceremonial.

Sure.

To our kids figuring out
how to raise themselves.

To Zelda finding love.

- Ooh, much better.
- [chuckles softly]

That's good. [clears throat]

Hey, want to add a day care
to the Button Club?

- Maybe at the new club.
- Oh, yeah.

How was Our Mother of Holy Hell?

We're gonna buy it.

- That's great.
- [chuckles]

I'm really happy for you.

[Zelda] You just find
the dirty spot

on the carpet,
and you push forward,

then you pull back.

You push forward,
then pull back.

- For how long?
- Till the dirt is gone.

- How will I know?
- Rose, stop monopolizing her.

Now, Zelda,
can you please explain

- the exact mechanicals
of the suction function?
- No!

- [Abe] And what do we do
when it's full--
- Midge...

- buy a new one?
- You empty it, Mr. Weissman.
- Joel.

When you did that trade show
a couple months ago,

there were two guys.
They were talking to Susie.

- Frank and Nicky?
- Sure. They're friends
of Susie's?

Friends? Well...

'Cause they seem like thugs.

No. Well, yes.

They're friendly thugs.

What the hell
are friendly thugs?

I don't know.
Thugs who say hi to the mailman.

You don't need to worry
about Frank and Nicky.

I think I do.

No, look, yes,

they are not men
who punch a clock for a living.

They punch the guy
who punches the clock.

But they are friends
of Susie's. Yes.

- Sort of.
- Friends?

Well, they weren't
always friends.

They actually
kidnapped her once.

- Uh-huh.
- Mm. They were supposed to

rough her up or kill her

or dump her body in the
East River, but they didn't.

Wow, a happy ending.
Guess I was worried for nothing.

You do not need
to worry about it.

I'm in the club business.

My father's
in the garment industry.

I know these kind of guys.

I'm in the club business,
too, Joel.

Well, if you think this isn't
gonna bite you in the ass...

I'm a big girl, with a big a...
You know what I mean.

I don't want you
mixed up with them.

- I'm not.
- But Susie is.

Midge, I know
she's your manager

and she's helped you
with your career, but

I don't know if you've noticed,
she's kind of fucked up.

Everyone's fucked up in comedy.

And if she's in bed
with these guys,

then you're in bed
with these guys.

I'm not in bed with anyone.

I'm sleeping on the floor, pal.

She had you dancing
on a garbage truck for them.

- I didn't dance. I can't dance.
- Midge, come on.

Joel, you're pissing me off.

Sorry. I don't think you know

what you're getting into here.

I know exactly
what I'm getting into.

It was a one-time thing.
After that,

everything's squared away.
Nothing owed.

So, you can just relax
and go back to your

"club manager
person being thing."

- That was terrible.
- Fuck you. How was that?

I don't want anything to happen
to you. Can't you get that

through your thick head
with the 30 layers

of fucking hair spray?

You never used to mind
my hair spray.

Oh, bullshit.
It's like crop-dusting

in the bathroom
when you're done.

Back off, Joel.
I can take care of myself.

Oh, so, what,
I shouldn't give a shit?

- I never said that.
- I shouldn't care about you?

- Of course you should.
- 'Cause too bad, I'm gonna.

I don't care how mad
you get at me,

- I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you.
- Fine.

If anyone so much as touches
a hair on your head--

not that they could with
all that goddamn hair spray--

they would not be dead enough.
Do you understand?

I don't. Can you explain it
again, caveman-style?

A lot of men wash their
hands of their ex-wives,

- you know that?
- I know.

They'd just be like,
"Oh, you're owned

by the mob? Too bad."

Well, they're assholes.

- I'm not washing my hands.
- I know,

'cause you're not an asshole.

- [Rose] Abe?
- [Abe] Zelda.

[Zelda] Mr. Weissman, I told you
not to run the toaster

and vacuum at the same time.

[Abe] So, my whole life
has to change?

So...

Yeah.

I have to go tell jokes
about diapers on a boat.

That sounds made up.

To be continued?

Apparently so.

[sighs]

[sucks teeth]

[sighs]

- Okay, just let him know
that Dinah
- Okay, just tell him that

- from Susie Myerson
and Associates called again.
- Susie Myerson called again,

- and she expects
a call back soon.
- Thank you so much.

- [sighs]
- Any luck?

None. I went to Sardi's,
where he'd just had lunch.

He'd eaten everything
but the bacon, egg and avocado

from his Cobb salad
and, honestly,

why get a Cobb salad then?

But the waiter
told me he mentioned

he was heading to his barber,

so I go down to Astor Place.

You know how many guys
named David

were having
their hair cut in there?

They all looked alike, too.

I had to get a straight razor
shave to fit in.

Felt really fucking good.
I recommend it.

That's how I did. How about you?

- I've left 52 messages.
- Did you pretend

to be Eartha Kitt?
You do a great Eartha Kitt.

[imitating Eartha Kitt]
Three hours ago, yes.

Mm. What about your IRS lady?

[regular voice] I did her, too,
and now

I have to have lunch
with his accountant.

Dinah, I just heard.
He left for the day.

[both] Motherfucker!

[groans]

That's it.

- Where are you going?
- Back out.

Gonna show off my shave.

- [phone rings]
- Hello?

Yes, this is the
Internal Revenue Service.

How may I help you?

[♪ Dorothy Dandridge:
"Stay With It"]

♪ Pray for it ♪

♪ Say hooray for it ♪

♪ But just stay with it... ♪

[indistinct chatter]

So I said, I said, "Dizzy, I
don't know what you're playing,

but I'm in B-flat."
In front of a paying audience.

[laughter]

Oh, yes, yes, Nanette.
Thank you.

I made it myself in the back.

They only put out bourbon
at these things

'cause it's all these guys
drink. It's so boring.

Happy to liven
things up for you.

I saw you at The Wolford,
by the way. You're funny.

Mm. Well, I'm a fan
of your work as well.

Keep these flying and make sure
everybody's nice and drunk.

You got it. [chuckles]

Well, don't you look
pretty as a picture.

You clean up nice
yourself, George.

They're all in very good moods.

And they all have
very young wives.

Those aren't their wives.
You ready to knock 'em dead?

It's that or jump overboard
and swim back to shore.

Yes. I'm ready. Let's go.

You have better jokes
than that, right?

- I do.
- All right.

♪ Hoove your heart right in
and stay with love ♪♪

Good evening and ahoy.

[cheering]

- How are we all doing tonight?
- [cheering]

What a great event, right?

Sailing around the isle
of Manhattan.

The combination
of a swaying boat

and double bourbons.
What could go wrong?

- [laughter]
- I am Mrs. Maisel, one of

The Gordon Ford Show writers,

and I want to thank you
for your interest in our

humble, little,
"number one in the ratings

put that in your pipe
and smoke it, Jack Paar" show.

[cheering]

Wow.

Here I am talking to a boat
full of men about diaper cream.

[laughter]

I wonder if somewhere
on the East River

there's a male comic
talking to a boat

full of women about power tools.

- [laughter]
- Ironic that
Diddy Doo Diaper Cream

was invented by men.
I mean, men are masters

of the universe--
wheel, fire, war, et cetera--

but babies?

Not really their domain, is it?

Every time a man holds a baby
it ends in screaming tears.

And then the baby
gets upset, too.

[laughter]

I appreciate you guys, really.

Th-This boat is full
of the only men in America

who actually care this much
about baby ointment.

But let's be honest,

the biggest reason you care

is that it makes you
a ton of money.

[cheering]

But the second-biggest reason
is your future third wives

are currently in diapers,

and you don't want them
to be uncomfortable.

- [laughter]
- And I think
that's very kind of you.

[laughs] Yes.

- Can I ask you a question?
- [piano player] Yes.

- A question.
- [piano player] Yes.

- A question.
- Yes.

It's something
I can't figure out.

- I hope you won't say no.
- No.

- It's all about my sister.
- What?

- My sister.
- Who?

- My sister.
- Oh.

She's joined a nudist colony.

[laughter]

- So, what I want to know...
- Yes?

♪ What can you get a nudist
for her birthday? ♪

♪ What kind of birthday present
can you buy? ♪

David Weston.

♪ Tell me on the level ♪

♪ Can I send her a muff? ♪

You are a very hard man
to get ahold of.

- Who the hell are you?
- Susie Myerson.

I represent James Howard.
You know, that terrific comic

with the startling dramatic
ability you've had audition

for your war picture,
what is it, four times now?

You can't be serious.

Why order a Cobb salad
if you don't like bacon or eggs?

How do you know
I like Cobb salad?

You don't like Cobb salad
is my point.

I-I think you should leave.

This is not the place
for this conversation.

I agree. It's 180
fucking degrees in here,

and the acoustics are terrible.

You can call my office during
business hours and make...

I have been calling your office
during business hours, David,

nonstop for two days straight.

You don't take my calls,
you won't call me back.

What are we, married?
All I need is an answer,

so I can get this kid
off my back.

He's driving me
up a goddamn wall.

I will pay you five bucks
for that water.

It's free over there.
There's a jug.

I will die if I move.
Give me that water.

Ah. Okay. So, what's it
gonna be, yes or no?

- Huh?
- You think I'm giving you

an answer here and now?

- Just pick one.
- He was very good
and I'm still debating.

David, seriously, listen.

I don't give a shit. Actually,
I'd prefer it to be no.

This kid is a great comic,

and, frankly,
I make so much more money

off of him
if he goes out on tour.

I mean, he goes out for a year,
boom, that's my next car,

and he comes back a giant star,

and then I can get him
a world tour.

Oh, I'll have to move to the
country, I'll have so many cars.

I'll park 'em
all over the place,

and then I'll just
drive one car to another

all day long.

[sighs] If he were
to come work for you,

you'd pay him nothing,
and I would have to take that

'cause he wants to do this
ridiculous movie so badly.

He's never wanted
anything more in his life.

He won't shut up about it.

Frankly, I don't know why.
I read the script.

It's terrible. It's a terrible,
terrible script.

Now, hold on a second.

It's a brilliant script.

The man who wrote it
was nominated for an Oscar.

Did he win? Didn't think so.

I'm just telling you,
it's got act three problems,

but, you know, you go ahead

and do what you're gonna do.
I don't care.

"I don't care"?
That's what you told him?

- [Susie] Yep.
- And that it was
a terrible script?

- That's right.
- After you cornered him
at a gay bathhouse?

Look, I had a hunch
where he hung out,

but I didn't want to go there.
He forced my hand.

What was it like? The bathhouse?

[groans] So many dicks.

- Just as I pictured.
- [Susie sighs]

Stop looking at me that way.

You begged him
not to hire your client.

That's the opposite of what
you're supposed to do.

Look, it was my last play.
He said he liked James

but he's also looking
at Dick Gregory,

James Earl Jones.

That's stiff competition,
so I had to do something.

[chuckles] Stiff.

[Susie and Dinah] Go home,
Maggie.

All right.

[sighs] I had to force my way
out of the place, too.

Of all the times to form
a nude conga line.

So, what now?

Mm. We wait.

Then we throw up.
And then we wait.

I signed a really good
cabaret singer, though.

That's something.

Mm. James will be thrilled
to hear that.

- [men laughing]
- [George] So, boys,

how about our
secret weapon here?

- Can I spot talent or what?
- Hysterical.

Who knew our diaper cream
was so funny?

Well, anything involving a tush
is generally comedy gold.

- [laughs]
- Do you perform
like this often?

Every night,
as a matter of fact.

You know, George,
she should be on the show.

I've never thought of that.

- She could be our spokesperson.
- Intriguing.

Uh, fellas.

She could be our funny
Diddy Doo Doll.

- Changing a baby.
- In a bikini.

[Tom] Yes, because motherhood
can be sexy.

- [Ed chuckles]
- Okay. Well, it's been
lovely speaking

with you, gentlemen. George,

- I'll see you at the office.
- All right.

I love this idea.

This is the best idea
I've ever heard.

[Darren laughs] Come on.

[Nanette] I got to
get back to work.

[Darren] Five minutes.
One dance.

- There's no music.
- I'll hum a little something.
[chuckles]

- [Nanette] Please, let me go.
- [Darren] But you're too cute.

- Oy, buddy!
- Yeah?

Why don't you let the nice lady
finish her shift?

We're just having a chat.

Well, I don't know
what your mama taught you,

but you don't need to use
your hands to chat.

Oh, it was nothing.

It's not nice to touch things
that aren't yours, right?

Ooh. Italian?

Very funny. Give me my coat.

Oh, am I touching something
that you don't want touched?

- That's enough.
- Do you not like that?

You've made your point,
now give it back.

Is it expensive?
Looks expensive.

- Give it back.
- Does it look good on me?

I just want to see. Oh.

- Oh.
- [jacket splashes]

Huh.

You didn't have your keys
in there, did you?

- [boat horn honks]
- Well, that took a turn.

How embarrassing.

[woman] Well, she's
not laughing now.

[elevator bell dings]

[grunts]

Hello there. Susie Myerson,
of Susie Myerson and Associates.

I represent... this woman.

Susie, this is Alan Young
from NBC Legal,

Barbara Stern,
head of Public Relations

and George Toledano,
our executive producer.

Susie is Midge's manager.

- You didn't call a lawyer?
- I don't have a lawyer.

I, have, uh, my card here.

Jesus, mildew grows fast.

Might want to let these dry out
before you put 'em away.

This isn't a friendly
"get to know you," miss.

Gordon will be here momentarily.

- Have a seat.
- Thank you.

- [elevator bell dings]
- [chuckles]

What happened? Why are you wet?
What's with the coat?

Long story.
I may have fucked up.

Well, well, well.
Emergency meetings, my favorite.

Normally, I'd be furious about

being called in
from a night out,

but tonight's thing
was for an animal rescue

that Hedy loves that I do not,

so you're actually rescuing me.

Wow. This ought to be good.

[George] It's not. There was
an incident on the boat.

- What boat?
- The boat.

The function with the company.

I'm sorry, the boat thing
still happened?

It was already paid for.

- And you were on the boat?
- She was.

- [Gordon] Why were you
on the boat?
- I wanted to help.

- Have maritime skills, do you?
- I was the entertainment.

- You entertained sponsors?
- Yes, to help out George.

So, not only did the boat party
that I said no to still happen,

but this is who you sent up
in lieu of me?

A staff writer that gets
one joke in every four weeks?

What, was Trudy busy?

Hey, the gig was good.
The reps loved it.

And her joke average is way up.

Yeah, all good gigs end with
emergency meetings right after.

The gig's not
what's in question.

Why don't you stop being coy,

young lady, and tell Gordon
exactly why we're here?

Well...

I was arrested
by the coast guard.

[Susie] They can arrest people?

Are we free anywhere
in this country?

You really should have
gone with Trudy.

It wasn't my fault.

There was a guy getting way
too friendly with a waitress

who wasn't appreciating it,
so I cut in to save her

and things just got
a little out of hand.

That's not what I heard.
He said nothing happened.

He was merely talking to the
girl when this one came over,

assaulted him,

and threw his jacket
in the goddamn river.

It's a jacket. He's probably got
a closet full of 'em.

Who was this asshole?

He was one of the reps
from Diddy Doo.

Diddy Doo? The diaper cream?
[chuckles]

They're gonna sponsor the show?

That, George. That's why.

Look, people, this
isn't that big a problem.

I mean, what are we
looking at here,

a slap on the wrist,
a dry cleaning bill?

The charges include
aggravated assault

and disorderly conduct.

Wait, they're charging her

for assaulting a guy who was

assaulting somebody else first?

- There's more.
- More?

The boat was far enough out
from Manhattan that,

technically, we were on
a stretch of water

that's considered international.

What?

So, France may have to weigh in.

France? Like France-France?

- That's idiotic.
- There's more.

- The "more" guy.
- [George] Continue.

Since the guy's wallet
was in his jacket

and there was money
in his wallet and on a boat,

money is considered treasure...

I technically committed
an act of piracy.

Fuck me. You're a pirate?

[Gordon and Mike laughing]

Oh, my God.

This is so much funnier
than saving otters.

Don't you laugh.
And why are you here?

Just really fucking lucky,
I guess.

The press was in attendance,
photographs taken

and Barbara's already received
several calls for comment.

- And whose fault
is that, George?
- Hers!

- No, it's yours.
- Mine?

You went through with this thing
after I said no.

Barbara, you're PR. You
should've thought this through.

I was following George's orders.

Really? Do we use
that excuse anymore?

- Gordon, we're not...
- No, I've been here
long enough.

My car is waiting.

George? Not a good week
for us, old friend.

You'll fix all this
with legal and PR?

Isn't she fired?

No. But I'd hide my wenches
and booty from her.

- Alan?
- We'll get the charges
dropped, Gordon.

Good. And, Barbara,

let the press run whatever
they're gonna run tomorrow.

Let the world know that I've got
a pirate on my staff.

This isn't over.

It is.

[grunts]

[sighs]

Did you see George's face?

I wasn't this happy
when my kids were born.

- [elevator bell dings]
- You're a sick fuck, Mike.

Yeah, okay.

I think I'll go home and have
dinner with my wife for once.

- [Susie] It's 10:30.
- It's New York City, Susie.

Don't be so suburban.

They told me I could keep the
coat. I didn't steal the coat.

So it's a win-win. Come on,
I'll split a cab with you.

Where's your ship docked,
east or west side?

- Don't make me laugh.
- Argh.

- [phone rings]
- Susie Myerson and Associates.
Not him.

- Hang up.
- Tell me what he said
one more time.

He said you were great
and he said that he loved you.

- He said that?
- Yes, he said that.

- So, why hasn't he called?
- He's going to.

- [phone rings]
- Susie Myerson and Associates.

- Not him.
- Hang up.

He's gonna call. Trust me.

I got to go walk around
the block.

No, no, don't go, James.
I got a good feeling about this.

Good feeling? That's enough
to get me on the subway

if I find a dime and a nickel.

- [phone rings]
- [Maggie] Susie Myerson
and Associates.

- Is it him?
- [Maggie] No.

Hang up.

Do you think we should cancel
the tour

- till we find out?
- No.

- Why not?
- 'Cause there is no tour.
I made that up.

Oh, my God.

"Her name was Diana,
but I knew her as DiDi."

Are you doing the scene
to yourself again?

Stop doing the scene. Stop it.

- [phone rings]
- Susie Myerson and Associates.

Yes, sir. Please hold.
David Weston

- is on line one.
- David Weston is on line one.

David Weston is on line...
[exclaims]

Tell him I'll call him back.

What?! Susie...

[chuckles]

Do it, Ruttles.

Mr. Weston, she's on
another call right now.

Sounds like
she's gonna be a while,

but she will call you back.

Yes, sir, I promise.

- Bye, now.
- [phone thuds in cradle]

[chuckles]

Susie, can I ask you
one question?

Shoot.

What are you gonna wear

when I take you to the Oscars?

- Oh, I'll be ready for you.
- [chuckles]

Hey, why don't you
do that scene for me?

Really?

Yeah. Let's see what
all the fuss is about.

"Her name was Diana,

but I knew her as DiDi.

She was my babysitter.

I wanted to marry her,

she wanted me to do
my math homework.

The only reason I-I became..."

[man 1] You hear about
this Susie Myerson?

She got her comic cast
in Weston's new picture.

[man 2] He never hires unknowns.

[man 1] I heard she got
a face-to-face with him,

on his turf.

[man 3] How'd she get
close to him?

[man 1] She surprised him.

I heard she took anatomy,

then posed as his cardiologist.

I heard she marched right into
his daughter's wedding.

Popped up in the back seat
of his car.

Jumped out of the cake
at his birthday party.

In the confessional booth
at St. Patrick's.

Side by side
at the Four Seasons.

Got to his housekeeper
and told her he was her cousin.

Booked an adjoining room
at the Beverly Hilton,

marched right through
the shared door.

Took LSD with him
and Timothy Leary.

[man 10] Swam up to him
in Palm Springs.

[overlapping chatter]

[man] Holy shit.

And will you be needing
a shirt as well, madame?

Give me the whole
shebang, Jeeves.

Mrs. Maisel. Please.

- Oh, me?
- Mm-hmm.

- You sure?
- You say everything I think.

A terrifying connection.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Pardon me, miss, but could I
get your autograph as well?

Well, as I live and breathe.

I didn't know you came downtown.

I try not to, but they sell
the best smack

on that corner right over there.

- Ah.
- Great set, by the way.

You saw my set?

I did. Bought a ticket
and everything.

They made you buy a ticket?

Ah, I haven't paid for a
ticket in ten years,

but I would have, which I think
counts for something.

Oh, well, still, thanks.

So, you hungry?
Can I buy you dinner?

Sure. Why not.

There's a great place
just up the block.

I have never seen you
out of a suit.

And I was expecting you
to be in full pirate regalia.

It's my parrot's night off.

This isn't quite where
I imagined taking you.

No? Too snobby?

Too sticky.
Can they at least turn off

a couple
of the fluorescent lights?

Don't worry,
one'll burn out in a second.

Lill, a chocolate donut
and a coffee

- will save my life.
- Coming up.

Hey, Officer Peluso.

Hey, Midge Maisel.
I'll be damned.

Nice to see you.
Gordon, this is Officer Peluso.

He's arrested me a couple times.

- Really?
- Mm.

- Well, it's nice to meet you.
- Hey, you're the TV guy.

- That's me.
- I almost didn't recognize you
without your suit.

- So, how are you doing?
- I'm a pirate.

Terrific.

- Ah, thanks, honey.
- [chuckles]

Nice meeting you out of uniform.
And you, be good.

- You know I won't.
- [chuckles]

How many times
have you been arrested?

A lady never tells.

So, let's get down
to brass tacks here.

- You want?
- Sure.

Our second date should be
someplace nicer than this.

- This is not a date.
- Oh, you're telling me.
There's a guy actively dying

in the corner over there.

Okay then, a better first date.

I'm not going
on a date with you.

Fine. We'll just start
sleeping together. Personally,

I'll miss the romance, but, you
know, I'll take what I can get.

- Gordon. Gordon.
- Just once then.

We'll do it up nice.
Penthouse at the Carlyle,

champagne, robes and slippers
for after, or during,

whatever the lady wishes.

A kiss? One...

really terrific kiss?

Come on, you got to at least let
me redeem myself on that front.

I'm a much better kisser
off the ice.

I'm sure you are, but...

- But...
- [sighs]

Gordon, if we started a thing...

Whoa. No one mentioned
"a thing."

Let me tell you
what would happen.

- Someone would find out...
- No one would find out.

Someone would find out.

Go on.

Then everyone would find out.

And nothing
would change for you,

but everything
would change for me.

No, it wouldn't.
I wouldn't let it.

There'd be snickers

and sideways glances

and whispers when
I'm in the ladies' room.

You can use my bathroom.
It's a much better bathroom.

I've got hand towels
with my name on them.

And then, suddenly,
I'm just "Gordon's girl."

Not the girl who scored all
those great jokes on your show,

not the only woman writer on the
number-one show in the country,

just "Gordon's girl."

It's got a nice ring to it,
though, the alliteration.

All the work I did
to prove myself,

gone in a single stroke.

Now, I must interject here.

It absolutely will not
be a single stroke.

I go to the gym
for exactly that reason.

But if I'm being honest,
the reason that,

in spite
of your wit and charm...

And face, don't forget the face.

The reason I cannot
sleep with you is

if I'm sleeping with you
and I get on the show...

- You're not getting
on the show.
- Let me finish.

If I'm sleeping with you
and I get on the show...

You're never
getting on the show.

See, you keep harping
on the wrong thing here.

Zip it.

If I'm sleeping with you,
when I get on the show...

I'll never really know if
I got on because I deserved it

or if I got on because
I'm sleeping with you.

I've got a great house
in Nantucket.

I've got bicycles.
One of them has a basket.

You look like
a basket girl to me.

[Ella Fitzgerald: "I'm Beginning
to See the Light"]

Had to give it one last shot.

Can we at least have a dance?

♪ But now that the stars
are in your eyes ♪

♪ I'm beginning
to see the light...

Come on.

♪ I never went in
for afterglow ♪

♪ Or candlelight
on the mistletoe...

[chuckles]

♪ But now when you turn
the lamp down low ♪

♪ I'm beginning
to see the light ♪

♪ Used to ramble
through the park ♪

♪ Shadowboxing in the dark ♪

♪ Then you came
and caused a spark ♪

♪ That's a four-alarm fire now ♪

♪ I never made love
by lantern-shine ♪

♪ I never saw rainbows
in my wine ♪

♪ But now that your lips
are burning mine ♪

♪ I'm beginning
to see the light ♪

♪ Now that your lips
are burning mine ♪

♪ I'm beginning ♪

♪ To see the light ♪♪

[Tim Curry:
"A Professional Pirate"]

♪ When I was just a lad ♪

♪ Looking for my true vocation ♪

♪ My father said, "Now, son ♪

♪ This choice
deserves deliberation ♪

♪ Though you could be a doctor ♪

♪ Or perhaps a financier ♪

♪ My boy, why not consider
a more challenging career?" ♪

♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪

- ♪ You'll cruise
to foreign shores ♪
- ♪ [laughs] ♪

- ♪ Sing it, lads ♪
- ♪ And you'll keep your mind ♪

- ♪ And body sound ♪
- ♪ Show 'em
you've been practicing ♪

♪ By working out of doors ♪

♪ True friendship
and adventure ♪

♪ Are what we can't
live without ♪

♪ And when you're
a professional pirate ♪

♪ That's what the job's about ♪

♪ Upstage, lads ♪

♪ This is my only number ♪

♪ Now, take Sir Francis Drake ♪

♪ The Spanish all despise him ♪

♪ But to the British ♪

♪ He's a hero,
and they idolize him ♪

♪ It's how you look
at buccaneers ♪

♪ That makes them bad or good ♪

♪ And I see us as members
of a noble brotherhood ♪

- ♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪
- ♪ Oh, I love it ♪

- ♪ We're honorable men ♪
- ♪ 'Tis poetry in motion ♪

♪ And before we lose
our tempers we will ♪

♪ Always count to ten ♪

♪ On occasion,
there may be someone ♪

♪ You have to execute ♪

♪ But when you're
a professional pirate ♪

♪ You don't have to
wear a suit ♪

♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪

♪ It's one for all for one ♪

♪ And we'll share
and share alike with you ♪

♪ And love you like a son ♪

♪ We're gentlemen of fortune ♪

♪ And that's what
we're bound to be ♪

♪ And when you're
a professional pirate ♪

♪ You'll be honest,
brave, and free ♪

♪ The soul of decency ♪

♪ You'll be loyal
and fair and on the square ♪

♪ And most importantly ♪

♪ When you're
a professional pirate ♪

♪ You're always in the ♪

♪ Best of company! ♪