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1
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_
2
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Are you... sure this is okay?
3
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Should we be doing this?
4
00:00:13,059 --> 00:00:14,892
It's just Dave.
5
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Yeah. Okay.
6
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Do it.
7
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You can go under the bra.
8
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Elz, I felt them up
9
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at the exact same time.
10
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Oh, my God,
11
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the breast meat is
the best kind of meat.
12
00:00:39,942 --> 00:00:41,842
It's amazing. It's so soft.
13
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It's just... it's awesome.
14
00:00:43,415 --> 00:00:45,915
- You felt them both up?
- And then Kayla said...
15
00:00:45,917 --> 00:00:47,684
Now we want to feel you up.
16
00:00:47,686 --> 00:00:49,723
There's no way you
let them touch your dick.
17
00:00:49,725 --> 00:00:51,958
Actually, uh, uh...
18
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,397
I have AIDS.
19
00:00:55,364 --> 00:00:56,920
Wait. What?!
20
00:00:56,922 --> 00:00:59,300
David, hang up the phone
and come to our room right now.
21
00:00:59,302 --> 00:01:01,568
- Mom?
- I've been listening the whole time!
22
00:01:01,570 --> 00:01:02,636
Right now!
23
00:01:02,638 --> 00:01:04,404
They were doing what?
24
00:01:04,406 --> 00:01:07,907
He was in a threesome with
Kayla Waters and Mallory Parker.
25
00:01:07,909 --> 00:01:10,236
A-A threesome? You're having sex?!
26
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:11,645
Well, he felt them up.
27
00:01:11,647 --> 00:01:13,914
They're sitting around
playing grab-ass every day.
28
00:01:13,916 --> 00:01:15,482
W-Wait a minute. What does that mean?
29
00:01:15,484 --> 00:01:16,984
He-he felt their breasts?
30
00:01:16,986 --> 00:01:18,818
Did they touch your penis?
31
00:01:18,820 --> 00:01:21,654
This friend group is way
too fast for you, David.
32
00:01:21,656 --> 00:01:23,221
What does it even matter?!
33
00:01:23,223 --> 00:01:25,993
My dick is too messed up
to show a girl anyways!
34
00:01:25,995 --> 00:01:27,994
What do you even mean by that, David?
35
00:01:27,996 --> 00:01:28,996
You...
36
00:01:28,998 --> 00:01:30,997
Like... from the surgeries?
37
00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:32,500
Yes!
38
00:01:32,502 --> 00:01:34,576
Oh. I didn't know
39
00:01:34,578 --> 00:01:37,321
this was still an issue for you, honey.
40
00:01:37,323 --> 00:01:39,200
I mean, beyond cosmetically,
41
00:01:39,202 --> 00:01:41,137
is there a functionality problem,
42
00:01:41,139 --> 00:01:43,776
- or is it...
- Functionality is not the issue, Don.
43
00:01:43,778 --> 00:01:46,823
It's the scarring, the
mislocated pee hole,
44
00:01:46,825 --> 00:01:48,172
the second pee hole.
45
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:49,529
Well, the second pee hole,
46
00:01:49,531 --> 00:01:51,586
there's an easy fix
to that, as I recall.
47
00:01:51,588 --> 00:01:52,952
There's another procedure.
48
00:01:52,954 --> 00:01:55,022
I'm not wearing a diaper for a year!
49
00:01:55,024 --> 00:01:57,624
He doesn't want to
wear a diaper! He's fine
50
00:01:57,626 --> 00:02:00,101
just plugging up the second hole
with his finger when he pees.
51
00:02:00,103 --> 00:02:02,152
- We already decided that, Don.
- Okay.
52
00:02:02,154 --> 00:02:05,154
How can I ever use it
with a girl? It's scarred.
53
00:02:05,156 --> 00:02:07,554
It leaks. It's small. It's...
54
00:02:07,556 --> 00:02:10,704
Well, size doesn't matter, sweetheart.
55
00:02:10,706 --> 00:02:13,474
That's a myth. Your
father has a small penis.
56
00:02:13,476 --> 00:02:15,041
It's average.
57
00:02:15,043 --> 00:02:16,877
It is.
58
00:02:16,879 --> 00:02:18,381
In America.
59
00:02:26,956 --> 00:02:29,390
I disagree. No.
60
00:02:29,392 --> 00:02:31,891
No, I-I told you, I
loved A Star Is Born.
61
00:02:31,893 --> 00:02:33,893
I think it's a fantastic film.
62
00:03:05,026 --> 00:03:07,427
Oh, you look so hard.
63
00:03:07,429 --> 00:03:08,862
Yeah.
64
00:03:52,263 --> 00:03:54,020
All right, man, I'm going to the studio.
65
00:03:54,022 --> 00:03:55,809
- Have a very productive day.
- I love you.
66
00:03:55,811 --> 00:03:57,547
I love you.
67
00:03:59,004 --> 00:04:00,814
♪ I ate her ass ♪
68
00:04:00,816 --> 00:04:02,148
♪ She came, I gasped... ♪
69
00:04:02,150 --> 00:04:03,651
Another.
70
00:04:03,653 --> 00:04:05,485
Run it back, yep.
71
00:04:05,487 --> 00:04:06,987
♪ I ate her ass ♪
72
00:04:06,989 --> 00:04:08,511
♪ She came... ♪
73
00:04:08,513 --> 00:04:09,549
No?
74
00:04:10,901 --> 00:04:12,593
- It's been too long.
- How you been?
75
00:04:12,595 --> 00:04:15,162
- Look at you, you sweet baby face.
- Well, I try.
76
00:04:15,164 --> 00:04:16,997
I can't hear you.
77
00:04:16,999 --> 00:04:18,999
- Oh. Press the button.
- Oh.
78
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:21,102
Hi! Surprise.
79
00:04:21,104 --> 00:04:23,271
Hello. What a... Yeah, what a surprise.
80
00:04:23,273 --> 00:04:25,508
Is that a buffalo chicken
cheesesteak from Frank's?
81
00:04:25,510 --> 00:04:29,409
- Yes. Good eye.
- Good idea, my cherub.
82
00:04:29,411 --> 00:04:31,278
You're an angel sent from...
83
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:32,946
the Euphrates.
84
00:04:32,948 --> 00:04:35,576
That's in Iraq, but thank you.
85
00:04:35,578 --> 00:04:38,250
- There's nothing wrong with Iraq.
- I'm gonna set it over here.
86
00:04:38,252 --> 00:04:39,462
How's your day going? Good?
87
00:04:39,464 --> 00:04:42,638
So good. Ooh, you sound... really cool.
88
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,525
Do I? Uh. Uh.
89
00:04:44,527 --> 00:04:46,127
Uh-ooh! Yeah.
90
00:04:46,129 --> 00:04:48,504
Let's not act like it's you
doing it yourself, though.
91
00:04:48,506 --> 00:04:50,297
There's, like, mad plug-ins right now,
92
00:04:50,299 --> 00:04:52,031
so he sounds like an actual rapper.
93
00:04:52,033 --> 00:04:54,535
Every rapper has delay and
reverb; it's very standard.
94
00:04:54,537 --> 00:04:55,869
Ooh, I like it.
95
00:04:55,871 --> 00:04:57,804
Well, I couldn't be more appreciative
96
00:04:57,806 --> 00:04:59,540
of that sandwich. I love you.
97
00:04:59,542 --> 00:05:00,973
We have to finish this song.
98
00:05:00,975 --> 00:05:02,817
- Okay.
- Can I FaceTime you in a little bit
99
00:05:02,819 --> 00:05:04,312
- when I get out of here and we can...
- Okay.
100
00:05:04,314 --> 00:05:05,879
Wait, wait, wait.
What's the actual rush?
101
00:05:05,881 --> 00:05:07,980
Dave's making magic. I'm here.
102
00:05:07,982 --> 00:05:09,363
Uh, duh.
103
00:05:09,365 --> 00:05:11,465
Okay.
104
00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:13,467
I'd like to see the magic happen.
105
00:05:13,469 --> 00:05:14,935
If that's...
106
00:05:14,937 --> 00:05:16,804
It's not that magical.
All I'm doing is breathing.
107
00:05:16,806 --> 00:05:18,570
It's not necessarily the
most entertaining moment
108
00:05:18,572 --> 00:05:20,421
- to see me in the studio.
- I...
109
00:05:20,423 --> 00:05:22,977
live for breathing; I love it.
110
00:05:22,979 --> 00:05:26,246
Great, run it back. Let's
do another... breath, please.
111
00:05:26,248 --> 00:05:27,929
♪ It is weird yet lit ♪
112
00:05:27,931 --> 00:05:29,519
♪ What a chain of events ♪
113
00:05:29,521 --> 00:05:30,795
♪ I've been fucking ♪
114
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:32,626
♪ I ate her ass ♪
115
00:05:32,628 --> 00:05:33,899
♪ She came, I gasped ♪
116
00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:36,384
♪ I went... ♪
117
00:05:36,386 --> 00:05:38,344
That was actually a fairly good one.
118
00:05:38,346 --> 00:05:40,441
And make the delay like,
"Ass, ass, ass, ass".
119
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Like, fully wet "ass".
120
00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:43,975
And stack them and...
121
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:46,144
- What do you call it? Uh...
- Moses.
122
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,978
Moses that fuckin' shit.
123
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:51,083
♪ I ate her ass, she came, I gasped... ♪
124
00:05:53,191 --> 00:05:56,118
♪ I went again, won't make my bed ♪
125
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,375
♪ My mom got pissed,
she said, "Don't rap". ♪
126
00:05:59,377 --> 00:06:01,145
- Okay.
- You like that?
127
00:06:01,147 --> 00:06:03,503
Uh... Mm. I like the spirit of it.
128
00:06:03,505 --> 00:06:05,738
In practice... You know, I do just...
129
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,074
I had, like, so many
well-organized things there.
130
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,681
Uh, can I just, like...
131
00:06:09,683 --> 00:06:11,176
'Cause I won't be
able to get past the...
132
00:06:11,178 --> 00:06:13,245
- Okay. I'll meet you on the bed.
- Let me just...
133
00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:15,063
straighten up, tidy up a little bit.
134
00:06:15,065 --> 00:06:17,918
Just a few choice items.
That'd be over here.
135
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,816
Turn the light down, like that.
136
00:06:20,818 --> 00:06:22,172
Okay.
137
00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:25,539
I'm just gonna angle
this lamp like that.
138
00:06:25,541 --> 00:06:28,762
- I know, I'm just in the unbuttoning process.
- Mm-hmm.
139
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:32,031
And we are... getting
real close to blastoff.
140
00:06:32,033 --> 00:06:33,605
Skinny jeans these days, you know?
141
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,938
I'm very thirsty.
142
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:41,440
And I just want to nip
this in the bud before...
143
00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:43,945
we get too far down the rabbit hole.
144
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,550
Ah...
145
00:06:49,552 --> 00:06:50,963
That was important.
146
00:06:50,965 --> 00:06:53,389
- Mm-hmm. You good?
- Where were we?
147
00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:58,324
- I-I can't.
- No, no, no. No, no.
148
00:06:58,326 --> 00:07:00,060
- I can't.
- I'm so close, I'm so close, I'm so close.
149
00:07:00,062 --> 00:07:02,562
I can't hold my weight
up. I can't. I'm... taxed.
150
00:07:02,564 --> 00:07:04,565
Okay, get up, get up. I'll turn around.
151
00:07:04,567 --> 00:07:06,466
Oh, you... Oh.
152
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,401
- Backwards.
- Yeah.
153
00:07:13,208 --> 00:07:15,878
- Eat my ass.
- Huh?
154
00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:24,918
Ooh.
155
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:31,927
Did you say something at the end?
156
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,995
No, I-I... You said something.
157
00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,262
No. It was nothing.
158
00:07:36,264 --> 00:07:38,498
Did you ask me to eat your ass?
159
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,433
Yeah.
160
00:07:40,435 --> 00:07:42,502
- Yeah.
- That's what you said?
161
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:43,939
Yeah.
162
00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:46,505
Were you, were you joking?
163
00:07:46,507 --> 00:07:48,007
No.
164
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,186
- You were being serious?
- Yeah, I wasn't joking.
165
00:07:50,188 --> 00:07:53,250
You were inside of me.
I wasn't making a joke.
166
00:07:53,252 --> 00:07:55,275
You want me to eat your ass?
167
00:07:55,277 --> 00:07:57,736
I did, yeah. Yes.
168
00:07:57,738 --> 00:08:00,761
Al, I would never eat your
ass in a million years.
169
00:08:00,763 --> 00:08:03,488
I'm just being really open
about that. Like, that's...
170
00:08:03,490 --> 00:08:05,298
- Wow.
- And when I say "your",
171
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,766
I do not mean, like, your,
like, asshole is worse
172
00:08:07,768 --> 00:08:09,462
than, like, the typical asshole.
173
00:08:09,464 --> 00:08:11,167
I would never eat
Rachel McAdams's asshole.
174
00:08:11,169 --> 00:08:13,033
- I would never eat... Beyoncé's asshole.
- Okay.
175
00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:15,467
I would eat your ass if you asked.
176
00:08:15,469 --> 00:08:17,448
I would never put you
through that. Are you kidding?
177
00:08:17,450 --> 00:08:20,073
My asshole is one of the most
disgusting places on Earth.
178
00:08:20,075 --> 00:08:22,869
There's always debris
and, like, cake down there.
179
00:08:22,871 --> 00:08:24,628
- You don't want to eat that.
- Cake?
180
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:26,152
Yeah. You don't want to
find out what that means.
181
00:08:26,154 --> 00:08:28,883
Okay, well, I only said
it because of your song.
182
00:08:28,885 --> 00:08:31,578
And you were rapping about it,
and I thought you might like it
183
00:08:31,580 --> 00:08:33,665
and I might like it, and it'd be fun
184
00:08:33,667 --> 00:08:35,796
- to do together.
- I totally understand
185
00:08:35,798 --> 00:08:38,058
what's happening now...
you heard it in the song.
186
00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,558
Yeah.
187
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,356
Rap is a very sexually charged genre.
188
00:08:41,358 --> 00:08:42,706
Just 'cause you hear me
say something in a song
189
00:08:42,708 --> 00:08:43,853
does not mean that's what I want to do.
190
00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:45,645
I'm just kind of, like, giving
the people what they want.
191
00:08:45,647 --> 00:08:48,472
Okay, well, what do you want?
What do you want to do?
192
00:08:48,474 --> 00:08:50,666
- About what?
- Sexually.
193
00:08:50,668 --> 00:08:52,176
- Enlighten me.
- Uh, you don't... you know,
194
00:08:52,178 --> 00:08:53,977
I think you... I don't
think that, you know,
195
00:08:53,979 --> 00:08:55,240
I don't think there's
much you don't know.
196
00:08:55,242 --> 00:08:57,242
Like, missionary. I like
when you flip around.
197
00:08:57,244 --> 00:08:59,080
No. I mean, okay, what
do you jerk off to?
198
00:09:00,181 --> 00:09:02,582
Like, regular porn, honestly. Like porn.
199
00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:05,018
- What kind of porn? What do you watch?
- Uh, HD.
200
00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:06,559
- Dave.
- I'm serious. Like, high...
201
00:09:06,561 --> 00:09:08,360
- I'm serious, too.
- High... You'd be shocked
202
00:09:08,362 --> 00:09:10,408
at how many things are, like,
below 720, and you get in there
203
00:09:10,410 --> 00:09:11,594
- and you're handcuffed.
- Okay, but, like,
204
00:09:11,596 --> 00:09:12,878
what's the weird thing that you watch?
205
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,694
- Everybody has, like, a weird thing.
- Uh, I don't know.
206
00:09:14,696 --> 00:09:16,596
- I don't have a weird thing. Like, I...
- Yes, you do.
207
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:19,933
- Come on. Tell me. Tell me.
- Milking porn.
208
00:09:22,371 --> 00:09:25,105
- Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get under you now.
- Okay, I get it.
209
00:09:25,107 --> 00:09:27,606
So there's a big board
with a hole in it,
210
00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:30,043
and the penis goes in the hole.
211
00:09:30,045 --> 00:09:31,133
Yeah.
212
00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:33,894
And then, I would go under it,
213
00:09:33,896 --> 00:09:35,624
and that's the milking,
214
00:09:35,626 --> 00:09:37,741
is the jerking off. Or would you want...
215
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:38,902
- Do you want me to blow you?
- No, no, no.
216
00:09:38,904 --> 00:09:40,220
- I could blow... Like...
- No, no...
217
00:09:40,222 --> 00:09:42,455
I don't want you to do any
of this to me. That's...
218
00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,695
You asked me the weirdest thing
I've ever jerked off to; like,
219
00:09:44,697 --> 00:09:46,058
this is what popped into my head.
220
00:09:46,060 --> 00:09:47,738
This is not me saying,
"Let's go do this".
221
00:09:47,740 --> 00:09:49,395
Okay. I'm not, like,
222
00:09:49,397 --> 00:09:51,231
- judging you or...
- Yeah. What?
223
00:09:51,233 --> 00:09:54,634
- What?
- No, I know. Good.
224
00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:57,303
- Is that... Are we good?
- Y-Yeah. Yeah.
225
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:58,971
You're... Uh, yeah.
226
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,139
- Okay.
- Milking.
227
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:02,141
Milking. Let's go to bed.
228
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,476
- Okay.
- Good night.
229
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,481
Good night.
230
00:10:08,550 --> 00:10:10,583
I love you.
231
00:10:10,585 --> 00:10:12,587
I love you as well.
232
00:10:17,662 --> 00:10:20,185
Oh. I keep logging out of my Apple I.D.,
233
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:22,377
and now I'm not gonna be able
to stream this Phish show.
234
00:10:22,379 --> 00:10:24,764
- This is so annoying.
- What's Phish, bro?
235
00:10:24,766 --> 00:10:28,101
- It's a band.
- Oh, that's why Dave's all in a fucking trance.
236
00:10:28,103 --> 00:10:30,503
'Cause he can't stream his Phish.
237
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,651
No, I'm in a trance
because you ruined my life
238
00:10:32,653 --> 00:10:34,274
and you let Ally stay on the session.
239
00:10:34,276 --> 00:10:36,408
She heard the rap I
had about eating ass,
240
00:10:36,410 --> 00:10:37,611
and now she wants me to eat her ass
241
00:10:37,613 --> 00:10:39,178
and do all these crazy sexual things.
242
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,513
- You hear this?
- Yeah. You've ruined my life.
243
00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:41,681
Thank you for allowing that.
244
00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,283
Hold on, bro. You be eating ass?
245
00:10:43,285 --> 00:10:45,464
- No.
- We are just clearing a table,
246
00:10:45,466 --> 00:10:47,287
but we can seat you if
you'll come this way.
247
00:10:47,289 --> 00:10:48,905
Oh, amazing. Thank you so much.
248
00:10:48,907 --> 00:10:51,355
Bro, you're upset with
me because she wants
249
00:10:51,357 --> 00:10:53,073
to have cooler sex with you?
I don't understand that.
250
00:10:53,075 --> 00:10:54,097
Yeah, exactly.
251
00:10:54,099 --> 00:10:55,320
I don't want to have cooler sex.
252
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,422
I like my sex the way
it is where it's plain
253
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,327
and there's zero expectations.
254
00:10:59,329 --> 00:11:01,757
I don't want to have to feel
like, "Oh, this girl needs
255
00:11:01,759 --> 00:11:04,026
- her appetite whet", uh, you know?
- Very smart.
256
00:11:04,028 --> 00:11:06,234
That's how love lasts.
Boring sex. Smart.
257
00:11:06,236 --> 00:11:09,946
Uh, it's 'cause you're
uncomfortable about your...
258
00:11:09,948 --> 00:11:12,588
Yeah, yeah. Duh.
259
00:11:12,590 --> 00:11:14,946
Hold on. Ain't no room for
no inside info at this table.
260
00:11:14,948 --> 00:11:16,548
What's going on? Catch me up to speed.
261
00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:18,353
You can't tell anybody. They're,
like, the only two people
262
00:11:18,355 --> 00:11:20,053
- that know this.
- Don't tell anybody.
263
00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,553
- I'm not, man.
- I'm serious. I'm...
264
00:11:21,555 --> 00:11:23,056
- He's being dead serious.
- I'm-I'm locked in.
265
00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,204
All right, so I have
birth defects on my penis,
266
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:27,123
- and, like, I had to have surgery on it.
- Ah, I'm cool, bro.
267
00:11:27,125 --> 00:11:29,229
I ain't trying to hear all
that, bro; we about to eat.
268
00:11:29,231 --> 00:11:31,695
- Oh, okay. Well...
- Yeah, it's really gross.
269
00:11:31,697 --> 00:11:33,991
- It's disgusting.
- It's-it's as gross as you think it is.
270
00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:36,068
- Ally doesn't even know about it.
- So your girl
271
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,535
- has never seen your dick?
- Correct.
272
00:11:37,537 --> 00:11:39,404
- That's crazy.
- Yeah. I control the lighting.
273
00:11:39,406 --> 00:11:41,407
- Next subject. Let's keep it rolling.
- What does she want
274
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,576
me to do? Start talking
dirty or something? Like...
275
00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:45,745
Yeah. That's what people do.
They talk dirty during sex.
276
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:46,985
- Out of nowhere?
- Yes.
277
00:11:46,987 --> 00:11:48,081
That's what everybody does.
278
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,082
You're supposed to nibble
on her ear like Mike Tyson.
279
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:51,239
All that type of stuff, bro.
280
00:11:51,241 --> 00:11:52,251
- You supposed to do all of that.
- I can't.
281
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,354
It's so out of character. I
can't all of a sudden just be,
282
00:11:54,356 --> 00:11:56,255
like, a different person.
Like, that's crazy.
283
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,258
- What do you say, Gata?
- I say things like,
284
00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,894
"Baby, your beauty is inspiring.
285
00:11:59,896 --> 00:12:01,361
You're the best thing I've seen all day.
286
00:12:01,363 --> 00:12:03,221
You're a fine display of
greatness at its greatest".
287
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,740
Can I have your phone number, or no?
288
00:12:04,742 --> 00:12:06,098
Uh, I don't have a phone.
289
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,115
Um, I'll be back to take
your order in a moment. Okay?
290
00:12:08,117 --> 00:12:10,102
I'm impressed by the
way you talk to girls.
291
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,856
You have no fear, even
in today's climate,
292
00:12:11,858 --> 00:12:13,273
- of being yourself.
- What?
293
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:15,542
He's talking about the #MeToo movement.
294
00:12:15,544 --> 00:12:17,376
- Oh. I'm with all of that.
- Yeah. Sexual harassment.
295
00:12:17,378 --> 00:12:20,112
- But shit, I got to be me, too.
- Yeah.
296
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,447
All right. Can we get
back to the issue here?
297
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,287
What am I supposed to say
when I fuck my girlfriend?
298
00:12:23,289 --> 00:12:25,284
- Okay. Yeah. Go-go ahead, Elz.
- Am I first?
299
00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:26,619
Spit in her mouth.
300
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,625
- Oh, my God.
- I say, "Open your mouth",
301
00:12:28,627 --> 00:12:30,122
- and I go...
- Yeah.
302
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:31,390
- Yeah.
- She's gonna think I have...
303
00:12:31,392 --> 00:12:32,970
like, I'm having,
like, a brain aneurysm.
304
00:12:32,972 --> 00:12:34,726
- You got to try these things.
- All of this shit
305
00:12:34,728 --> 00:12:36,395
is so ridiculous. I'm not gonna be like,
306
00:12:36,397 --> 00:12:40,022
"Oh, you need this".
307
00:12:40,024 --> 00:12:41,634
- Who the fuck says things like that?
- No. What the fuck are you
308
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,246
- talking about?
- What is this, '70s porno?
309
00:12:43,248 --> 00:12:44,737
- Yeah.
- Okay, great. What do you say, hotshot?
310
00:12:44,739 --> 00:12:46,139
Why are you being so weird
about this? Why don't you
311
00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,572
just, like, watch porn with
her? Everybody does that
312
00:12:47,574 --> 00:12:48,910
- with their girlfriend.
- Yeah, why don't I say,
313
00:12:48,912 --> 00:12:51,144
"Hey, Al. Let me load
up a video of a guy
314
00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:53,356
with an 11 and a half-inch
cock made of meat".
315
00:12:53,358 --> 00:12:54,613
- Yeah.
- "You can compare it
316
00:12:54,615 --> 00:12:56,249
- to my shredded wheat dick..."
- Hold up.
317
00:12:56,251 --> 00:12:58,675
Hold up, man. Where the
fuck is my grill at, man?
318
00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:00,586
I just had it right here
in a black napkin, man.
319
00:13:00,588 --> 00:13:01,654
What the fuck?
320
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:03,112
- What?
- Where the hell is my grill?
321
00:13:03,114 --> 00:13:05,754
- Y'all not paying attention?
- Not to your grill.
322
00:13:05,756 --> 00:13:07,327
I don't give a fuck about your grill.
323
00:13:07,329 --> 00:13:08,660
He was cleaning up the table.
324
00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,371
- Okay, well...
- It's gone, though.
325
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:12,005
Is this, like, a million-dollar grill?
326
00:13:12,007 --> 00:13:14,089
- What's the... ?
- Dude, I paid $300 for it, bro.
327
00:13:14,091 --> 00:13:16,601
All right. Think of it as,
like, one night of Hanukkah.
328
00:13:16,603 --> 00:13:18,770
It's not a huge deal.
Oh, and then there you go.
329
00:13:18,772 --> 00:13:20,505
Just like that. Problem solved.
330
00:13:20,507 --> 00:13:22,508
- Doctor Zhivago.
- My nigga, dude.
331
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:23,842
My nigga.
332
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,678
- The busboy had it.
- Thank you, bro.
333
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,179
I wouldn't expect y'all to relate to it.
334
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,681
- I'm from the trenches, bro.
- What do you mean?
335
00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:29,782
Don't loop me in with
these fucking guys.
336
00:13:29,784 --> 00:13:31,106
I'm from the West Side of Chicago.
337
00:13:31,108 --> 00:13:32,617
Yeah, don't loop me in
with this guy, either.
338
00:13:32,619 --> 00:13:34,226
Look at me. We the same.
339
00:13:34,228 --> 00:13:35,653
This nigga, you know what I'm saying?
340
00:13:35,655 --> 00:13:37,865
Everybody keeps saying, "Ooh,
you're the rich black kid".
341
00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:40,192
No, I'm not the rich black
kid. My parents have money.
342
00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:41,626
But when I left...
343
00:13:41,628 --> 00:13:43,196
- That has nothing to do with me.
- That's the same shit.
344
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,298
I can do something for you, too, man.
345
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,533
I can fix that streaming issue
you having to watch Phish.
346
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:48,867
- Can you seriously do that?
- Dude,
347
00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:50,470
I'm like a black Neil deGrasse Tyson.
348
00:13:50,472 --> 00:13:52,716
- He is black.
- I know.
349
00:13:52,718 --> 00:13:54,041
- Hey.
- Oh.
350
00:13:54,043 --> 00:13:55,778
How do I fuck my girlfriend?
351
00:13:59,429 --> 00:14:01,847
It was just, like, such a shock
352
00:14:01,849 --> 00:14:05,313
to hear him talk so
explicitly in his music.
353
00:14:05,315 --> 00:14:07,149
Like, real Dave...
354
00:14:07,151 --> 00:14:08,650
- Oh, throw that away.
- Yeah.
355
00:14:08,652 --> 00:14:12,233
Real Dave would never talk
like that. Like, it was
356
00:14:12,235 --> 00:14:15,460
so manly and, like, aggressive and hot.
357
00:14:15,462 --> 00:14:16,805
- And, like...
- That's good.
358
00:14:16,807 --> 00:14:18,907
- Right? Yeah. And I was like, fuck it.
- Yeah.
359
00:14:18,909 --> 00:14:20,808
I'll just fucking ask.
360
00:14:20,810 --> 00:14:24,812
And then now it's the
most uncomfortable dyna...
361
00:14:24,814 --> 00:14:27,315
It's insane how uncomfortable it is now.
362
00:14:27,317 --> 00:14:29,480
I love getting my ass eaten.
363
00:14:29,482 --> 00:14:31,773
My last boyfriend liked
that more than fucking me.
364
00:14:31,775 --> 00:14:33,488
Just lived down there.
365
00:14:33,490 --> 00:14:35,489
That sounds so tight.
366
00:14:35,491 --> 00:14:38,315
And it sucks because it has been great.
367
00:14:38,317 --> 00:14:39,994
Like, I really have figured out
368
00:14:39,996 --> 00:14:42,659
how to make myself come
really consistently,
369
00:14:42,661 --> 00:14:44,832
which never happened with Rob.
370
00:14:44,834 --> 00:14:46,167
I fucking hated Rob.
371
00:14:46,169 --> 00:14:48,487
Wait. What do you mean,
make yourself come?
372
00:14:48,489 --> 00:14:50,004
Dave doesn't make you come?
373
00:14:50,006 --> 00:14:51,505
No, Dave...
374
00:14:51,507 --> 00:14:55,509
It's-it's Dave's penis inside of me.
375
00:14:55,511 --> 00:14:57,845
Well, what is the sex like?
Do y'all fuck in silence?
376
00:14:57,847 --> 00:15:00,347
No. There's passion and...
377
00:15:00,349 --> 00:15:02,116
moaning.
378
00:15:02,118 --> 00:15:04,185
- He moans.
- Moans?
379
00:15:04,187 --> 00:15:06,020
So, y-you just lay there,
380
00:15:06,022 --> 00:15:09,064
and he's silently humping
you and moaning?
381
00:15:09,066 --> 00:15:10,191
Do you make eye contact?
382
00:15:10,193 --> 00:15:11,860
No.
383
00:15:11,862 --> 00:15:15,529
I close my eyes to-to focus.
384
00:15:15,531 --> 00:15:17,633
- To escape reality?
- No!
385
00:15:17,635 --> 00:15:19,533
I'm not... I'm saying I am, like...
386
00:15:19,535 --> 00:15:23,047
you know, focusing on picturing Dave.
387
00:15:23,049 --> 00:15:26,565
Just, like, a different version of Dave.
388
00:15:26,567 --> 00:15:27,756
You're a teacher, Al.
389
00:15:27,758 --> 00:15:29,377
You were made for this moment, you know?
390
00:15:29,379 --> 00:15:32,645
You just got to, like... unlock him.
391
00:15:32,647 --> 00:15:35,652
You know what I mean? Just unlock him.
392
00:15:36,916 --> 00:15:38,972
Yeah, we used to have a Regal.
393
00:15:38,974 --> 00:15:40,656
And my dad likes the
sauce, so he got drunk
394
00:15:40,658 --> 00:15:42,990
and smashed it against the
tree. Then we had a Cutlass.
395
00:15:42,992 --> 00:15:44,729
That was my favorite family car.
396
00:15:44,731 --> 00:15:46,609
- Damn, y'all had the Cutty? For real?
- Mm-hmm.
397
00:15:46,611 --> 00:15:48,163
- Them motherfuckers is hard, bro.
- Yeah, they're...
398
00:15:48,165 --> 00:15:49,621
What's up, bitch-ass nigga?
399
00:15:49,623 --> 00:15:51,822
- What's up with you, bro?
- Do you see what time it is, nigga?
400
00:15:51,824 --> 00:15:52,946
Fuck all that talking.
401
00:15:52,948 --> 00:15:54,068
- What's happening, nigga?
- Step up, then.
402
00:15:54,070 --> 00:15:55,904
I'm right here. You're
doing all that woofing, bro.
403
00:15:55,906 --> 00:15:57,201
- All that barking and shit.
- Step up then, nigga.
404
00:15:57,203 --> 00:15:58,796
- Nigga, what's up, bro?
- Bitch ass.
405
00:15:58,798 --> 00:16:00,321
Hey! I'm calling the cops.
406
00:16:00,323 --> 00:16:01,612
For what?
407
00:16:01,614 --> 00:16:03,121
- Man, you lucky he gonna call the police.
- For what?
408
00:16:03,123 --> 00:16:04,165
- Take it outside!
- Nigga, he ain't about to do nothing.
409
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:06,236
He just talking, man. You
know where I'll be at, bro.
410
00:16:06,238 --> 00:16:07,515
- Pop out, my nigga.
- I'm-a see both y'all.
411
00:16:07,517 --> 00:16:09,959
You and Ed Sheeran's bitch ass.
412
00:16:09,961 --> 00:16:11,687
- I'm-a take one of these.
- Hey, you got to pay for that.
413
00:16:11,689 --> 00:16:13,737
- Put it on that bitch-ass nigga's tab.
- Oh, for real?
414
00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:15,190
Oh, yeah, put it on my tab
415
00:16:15,192 --> 00:16:17,191
'cause you ain't got no money, though.
416
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:19,094
Damn, they got Orange Vanilla Coke
417
00:16:19,096 --> 00:16:21,930
in this motherfucker? That's crazy.
418
00:16:21,932 --> 00:16:23,304
This is crazy.
419
00:16:23,306 --> 00:16:24,599
Where do you think
they import this from?
420
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:27,034
This shit look just like
your fucking hair, bro.
421
00:16:27,036 --> 00:16:28,704
That's crazy.
422
00:16:28,706 --> 00:16:30,538
Hey, don't worry about that, bro.
423
00:16:30,540 --> 00:16:33,108
How much you want for this, papi?
424
00:16:34,944 --> 00:16:38,113
Aw, man. All we got is Stella,
Gata. You good with that?
425
00:16:38,115 --> 00:16:40,114
Yeah, I'm good. But is it rosé, though?
426
00:16:40,116 --> 00:16:42,450
No, it's... it's beer.
427
00:16:42,452 --> 00:16:45,976
Oh, that's cool, bro. I was
just expecting the finer things.
428
00:16:45,978 --> 00:16:49,281
Hey, what was up with that
guy from the convenience store?
429
00:16:49,283 --> 00:16:52,126
Oh, you worried about that
old poo-butt-ass nigga, bro?
430
00:16:52,128 --> 00:16:53,461
Yeah, well, what-whatever, man.
431
00:16:53,463 --> 00:16:55,830
I-I got shook, I'm not gonna lie.
432
00:16:55,832 --> 00:16:58,466
You-you handled it so well, man.
I'm-I'm trying to be like that.
433
00:16:58,468 --> 00:17:00,402
You know, more Zen. You were so calm.
434
00:17:00,404 --> 00:17:02,136
Can you, like, see what's
up with the remote, though?
435
00:17:02,138 --> 00:17:03,570
'Cause I'm trying to watch this shit
436
00:17:03,572 --> 00:17:06,141
- you over here all excited about.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
437
00:17:07,644 --> 00:17:09,411
Oh, shit, Gata!
438
00:17:09,413 --> 00:17:11,579
What the fuck? You're the man.
439
00:17:11,581 --> 00:17:12,646
How did you do that?
440
00:17:12,648 --> 00:17:14,149
I used to work for Geek Squad.
441
00:17:14,151 --> 00:17:16,416
That's Phish. Let's
have some Phish, baby.
442
00:17:16,418 --> 00:17:18,586
- Yeah. You like this? Is this good?
- Hell yeah.
443
00:17:18,588 --> 00:17:20,154
You get high, right?
444
00:17:20,156 --> 00:17:21,245
Come on, man.
445
00:17:21,247 --> 00:17:23,091
Pass that bud, please.
446
00:17:23,093 --> 00:17:25,093
The bud is right here.
447
00:17:25,095 --> 00:17:28,095
This is the vampire bud.
448
00:17:29,432 --> 00:17:30,664
Have you biting people.
449
00:17:30,666 --> 00:17:32,166
Smell that.
450
00:17:32,168 --> 00:17:35,604
- Oh, this is some bomb bomb.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
451
00:17:35,606 --> 00:17:37,337
But when they gonna
stop warming up, though?
452
00:17:37,339 --> 00:17:39,007
Oh, no. This is the whole show.
453
00:17:39,009 --> 00:17:41,009
This is what they do
the whole time, man.
454
00:17:41,011 --> 00:17:43,111
Feel that. Feel that.
455
00:17:43,113 --> 00:17:45,345
Feel that, dude.
456
00:17:51,587 --> 00:17:52,686
Please.
457
00:17:52,688 --> 00:17:54,691
What?
458
00:17:56,593 --> 00:17:58,459
- I said please.
- Okay.
459
00:17:58,461 --> 00:18:00,194
- You like that?
- Yeah.
460
00:18:00,196 --> 00:18:03,030
Yeah. What do you, what
do you like specifically?
461
00:18:03,032 --> 00:18:05,133
Uh, uh...
462
00:18:05,135 --> 00:18:07,035
Your feminine energy.
463
00:18:07,037 --> 00:18:08,202
Yeah.
464
00:18:08,204 --> 00:18:09,537
Do you like how that feels?
465
00:18:09,539 --> 00:18:11,306
Yeah. It feels...
466
00:18:11,308 --> 00:18:13,040
just ideal.
467
00:18:13,042 --> 00:18:14,374
You're so hard.
468
00:18:14,376 --> 00:18:15,810
- I'm as hard as I can be. I'm fully...
- Mm-hmm.
469
00:18:15,812 --> 00:18:17,045
- I'm boned.
- Uh-huh.
470
00:18:17,047 --> 00:18:19,150
I'm fully hard.
471
00:18:20,282 --> 00:18:22,383
Yeah.
472
00:18:22,385 --> 00:18:23,550
Yeah. Yeah.
473
00:18:23,552 --> 00:18:26,386
Your pussy is premium.
474
00:18:26,388 --> 00:18:29,223
Prime-time.
475
00:18:29,225 --> 00:18:30,391
What do you want?
476
00:18:30,393 --> 00:18:31,726
Uh, what do I want?
477
00:18:31,728 --> 00:18:33,327
Yeah. What do you want,
Dave? Tell me what you want.
478
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,052
- I want every fucking nook.
- Okay.
479
00:18:35,054 --> 00:18:38,066
- I want the whole kit and caboodle...
- Uh-huh. It's yours.
480
00:18:38,068 --> 00:18:39,334
- Give me the full pussy.
- Uh-huh.
481
00:18:39,336 --> 00:18:40,401
- Give me your full pussy right now.
- It's yours.
482
00:18:40,403 --> 00:18:41,741
- Give me the puss.
- Where do you want to come?
483
00:18:41,743 --> 00:18:43,671
Uh... There. Within you.
484
00:18:43,673 --> 00:18:45,702
I mean, you can feel
how soaked I am, right?
485
00:18:45,704 --> 00:18:47,407
- Uh-huh.
- With gush.
486
00:18:47,409 --> 00:18:48,675
Oh, my God.
487
00:18:48,677 --> 00:18:50,077
- Are you gonna cream?
- Mm-hmm.
488
00:18:50,079 --> 00:18:51,246
- You're gonna come?
- Mm-hmm.
489
00:18:51,248 --> 00:18:52,347
Cream.
490
00:18:52,349 --> 00:18:54,182
- Come.
- Okay.
491
00:18:54,184 --> 00:18:56,084
- Precum. Please come.
- You want me to come?
492
00:18:56,086 --> 00:18:57,418
- Give me everything. Give me everything.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
493
00:18:57,420 --> 00:18:58,752
- Come. Come. Yeah, come.
- Okay, baby. Okay.
494
00:18:58,754 --> 00:19:00,958
- Come. Do it. Come. Come.
- Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.
495
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,091
I'm coming.
496
00:19:08,431 --> 00:19:10,265
Oh, my God.
497
00:19:12,869 --> 00:19:14,768
That was...
498
00:19:14,770 --> 00:19:17,438
great.
499
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,106
Amen, brother.
500
00:19:20,443 --> 00:19:22,210
Did you come?
501
00:19:22,212 --> 00:19:23,611
Yeah.
502
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,163
Dave?
503
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,647
Occupied!
504
00:20:09,649 --> 00:20:11,439
- I got to pee.
- Uh...
505
00:20:11,441 --> 00:20:13,929
Okay, well, I'm pooping!
Can I have a second?
506
00:20:13,931 --> 00:20:15,865
I can hear you walking around.
507
00:20:15,867 --> 00:20:18,333
Yeah. I stand when I wipe.
508
00:20:18,335 --> 00:20:20,668
- Okay. Please hurry. I got to go.
- Uh...
509
00:20:20,670 --> 00:20:23,170
Okay, what about... Mike's not home.
510
00:20:23,172 --> 00:20:24,595
Can you... Just go in the sink.
511
00:20:24,597 --> 00:20:26,841
I'm not gonna pee in the sink.
512
00:20:26,843 --> 00:20:28,442
Can you be quick? I have to go.
513
00:20:28,444 --> 00:20:29,944
All right, well...
514
00:20:29,946 --> 00:20:32,067
Okay, just hurry up.
Please, please, please,
515
00:20:32,069 --> 00:20:34,182
please, please, please. Are you okay?
516
00:20:34,184 --> 00:20:35,849
Yes, I'm just wiping!
517
00:20:35,851 --> 00:20:38,132
- Will you hurry up? I really have to go.
- I'm finishing!
518
00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:43,191
- Go. Geez Louise.
- Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you,
519
00:20:43,193 --> 00:20:44,358
- thank you, thank you.
- Uh, I don't know.
520
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,794
Must've tracked this in here.
521
00:20:49,531 --> 00:20:52,299
Very strong pee... I can
tell it was, in fact, urgent.
522
00:20:52,301 --> 00:20:55,013
I know. I wasn't, like...
Jesus Christ! What the fuck
523
00:20:55,015 --> 00:20:56,917
is that?
524
00:20:58,540 --> 00:20:59,974
Dave, what is that?
525
00:20:59,976 --> 00:21:01,709
What-what is that?
526
00:21:01,711 --> 00:21:04,211
It is...
527
00:21:04,213 --> 00:21:06,213
called a Fuck Me Silly 3.
528
00:21:06,215 --> 00:21:07,481
Oh, my God.
529
00:21:07,483 --> 00:21:09,483
Oh, my God, please take it out.
530
00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:11,219
- Take it out?
- Please take it out.
531
00:21:11,221 --> 00:21:13,232
A Fuck Me Silly, Da...
532
00:21:13,234 --> 00:21:14,912
Oh, my God. Why is it so heavy?
533
00:21:14,914 --> 00:21:16,302
Where is the other half?
534
00:21:16,304 --> 00:21:17,724
Oh, my God!
535
00:21:17,726 --> 00:21:20,327
Dave, do you fuck this?
536
00:21:20,329 --> 00:21:22,286
You know, you just
asked me three questions.
537
00:21:22,288 --> 00:21:23,397
Why is it so heavy?
538
00:21:23,399 --> 00:21:25,566
I assume, uh, to simulate humanity.
539
00:21:25,568 --> 00:21:27,001
- Oh, my God.
- Top half?
540
00:21:27,003 --> 00:21:29,294
I don't know anything about that. And...
541
00:21:29,296 --> 00:21:31,623
We just had great sex. What are you...
542
00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,407
- doing?
- You say we have great sex.
543
00:21:33,409 --> 00:21:35,433
To me, that sex was, like, unbearable!
544
00:21:35,435 --> 00:21:37,154
- It was, like, warfare. Yeah, I was,
- Unbearable?!
545
00:21:37,156 --> 00:21:38,531
like, surviving and advancing.
546
00:21:38,533 --> 00:21:39,847
I felt like I was just surviving.
547
00:21:39,849 --> 00:21:42,249
I hate talking about how,
like, wet your pussy is
548
00:21:42,251 --> 00:21:43,821
- or how hard my dick is.
- Okay,
549
00:21:43,823 --> 00:21:45,131
so you don't like talking dirty,
550
00:21:45,133 --> 00:21:48,022
- but you like fucking Jell-O with feet?
- Yeah.
551
00:21:48,024 --> 00:21:50,195
Maybe I like doing it 'cause
it doesn't ask anything of me
552
00:21:50,197 --> 00:21:51,759
and it has no expectations.
I don't have to, like,
553
00:21:51,761 --> 00:21:54,261
choke it or yell at it as I fuck it.
554
00:21:54,263 --> 00:21:56,080
- I can just be in and out and do my business.
- I didn't ask you
555
00:21:56,082 --> 00:21:57,466
to do any of those things, right?
556
00:21:57,468 --> 00:21:59,433
I just asked you to be open
557
00:21:59,435 --> 00:22:00,934
and, like, try something new.
558
00:22:00,936 --> 00:22:02,603
And I asked you,
559
00:22:02,605 --> 00:22:05,272
"What's the weirdest
thing you jerked off to?"
560
00:22:05,274 --> 00:22:09,711
And this fucking A.I. bullshit
didn't occur to you, Dave?
561
00:22:09,713 --> 00:22:11,635
Well, it's not A.I.
562
00:22:11,637 --> 00:22:13,546
And I don't, like,
look at it and jerk off.
563
00:22:13,548 --> 00:22:15,049
I don't jerk off to it. I didn't lie.
564
00:22:15,051 --> 00:22:16,550
Right. You make love to it.
565
00:22:16,552 --> 00:22:18,286
- That's what I should've asked.
- I don't make love.
566
00:22:18,288 --> 00:22:20,013
- It's platonic. It's...
- Cool.
567
00:22:20,015 --> 00:22:22,205
So, sex with your human girlfriend
568
00:22:22,207 --> 00:22:24,558
is unbearable warfare,
569
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,393
and you can't even
tolerate having, like,
570
00:22:26,395 --> 00:22:28,896
a conversation with me about sex?
571
00:22:28,898 --> 00:22:31,931
And I-I feel like I'm trying
to figure out what you want,
572
00:22:31,933 --> 00:22:33,300
and you're just not
telling me the truth.
573
00:22:33,302 --> 00:22:35,267
Like, what am I missing here, okay?
574
00:22:35,269 --> 00:22:36,636
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
575
00:22:36,638 --> 00:22:39,475
I was born with a fucked-up dick!
576
00:22:40,476 --> 00:22:43,810
Dave, your penis is normal.
577
00:22:43,812 --> 00:22:46,748
Uh, you've... you have
never seen my dick.
578
00:22:46,750 --> 00:22:49,650
Yes, I have.
579
00:22:49,652 --> 00:22:51,318
I know you think you
ha... Um, honestly, like,
580
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:52,921
it's my life's work to
make sure you don't see it.
581
00:22:52,923 --> 00:22:55,375
Like, I spend every moment
plotting the lighting
582
00:22:55,377 --> 00:22:56,655
and the angles. If you've seen it,
583
00:22:56,657 --> 00:22:58,179
- what does my dick look like?
- It looks
584
00:22:58,181 --> 00:23:00,760
like a fucking dick, Dave.
585
00:23:00,762 --> 00:23:03,332
Now I know you haven't seen it.
586
00:23:04,334 --> 00:23:05,999
- You're leaving?
- Yes.
587
00:23:06,001 --> 00:23:07,668
We're talking in circles,
588
00:23:07,670 --> 00:23:10,007
and you clearly don't want to talk.
589
00:23:11,340 --> 00:23:13,673
I was born with a tangled urethra.
590
00:23:13,675 --> 00:23:16,921
So, when I came out,
they did surgery on me.
591
00:23:16,923 --> 00:23:18,512
Okay? There's scarring down there.
592
00:23:18,514 --> 00:23:20,681
I also have a birth
defect called hypospadias
593
00:23:20,683 --> 00:23:22,094
that one in 300 guys have,
594
00:23:22,096 --> 00:23:24,451
where the pee hole isn't
in the center of the head.
595
00:23:24,453 --> 00:23:27,014
It's, like... For me, it's on
the underneath part of my head.
596
00:23:27,016 --> 00:23:29,790
There were also these
small black dots on my dick
597
00:23:29,792 --> 00:23:31,358
that looked like poppy seeds.
598
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:33,220
I got 'em removed,
'cause it was humiliating.
599
00:23:33,222 --> 00:23:35,462
And one of the poppy
seeds got removed too far
600
00:23:35,464 --> 00:23:37,709
on the underside of my
shaft, so now, when I pee,
601
00:23:37,711 --> 00:23:40,535
it's out of two different
holes, like a Super Soaker.
602
00:23:40,537 --> 00:23:42,702
That's why I pee sitting down.
If I didn't pee sitting down,
603
00:23:42,704 --> 00:23:44,704
I would just piss all over my own body.
604
00:23:44,706 --> 00:23:46,473
And when I'm in public
and I'm at a urinal,
605
00:23:46,475 --> 00:23:48,041
I clog the second hole with my finger.
606
00:23:48,043 --> 00:23:51,378
There's just a lot of stuff.
607
00:23:51,380 --> 00:23:54,882
Why is this the first
time I'm hearing about it?
608
00:23:54,884 --> 00:23:56,651
I don't know, Al. There
was never a great time
609
00:23:56,653 --> 00:23:58,553
to pull you aside and say, "Hey, my dick
610
00:23:58,555 --> 00:24:01,058
looks like an old pile of worms".
611
00:24:02,825 --> 00:24:06,059
Don't leave.
612
00:24:06,061 --> 00:24:07,798
Show me.
613
00:24:08,712 --> 00:24:10,470
No.
614
00:24:10,472 --> 00:24:13,098
I love you. I know it'll
make me feel better.
615
00:24:13,100 --> 00:24:15,428
I think it'll make you feel better.
616
00:24:15,430 --> 00:24:17,837
Al, first off, I'm soft as a mouse.
617
00:24:17,839 --> 00:24:19,239
I'm not gonna show you this vers...
618
00:24:21,411 --> 00:24:23,743
That was easy.
619
00:24:23,745 --> 00:24:25,579
Yeah.
620
00:24:25,581 --> 00:24:27,083
Trust me.
621
00:24:37,414 --> 00:24:39,370
Okay. Cool.
622
00:24:39,372 --> 00:24:42,197
That's a stand-up boner.
623
00:24:42,199 --> 00:24:44,699
- I love you.
- I love you.
624
00:24:44,701 --> 00:24:46,701
I love it.
625
00:24:46,703 --> 00:24:47,934
Great.
626
00:24:47,936 --> 00:24:49,939
Good night.
627
00:25:00,782 --> 00:25:02,115
Increasing cloudiness tomorrow.
628
00:25:02,117 --> 00:25:04,951
Sticky and humid with a high of 96.
629
00:25:04,953 --> 00:25:07,622
With the winds out of the
east at 14 miles per hour,
630
00:25:07,624 --> 00:25:10,790
- it's currently 75 degrees...
- _
631
00:25:16,965 --> 00:25:19,634
What on earth is going on?
632
00:25:19,636 --> 00:25:23,069
Surprise!
633
00:25:23,071 --> 00:25:27,190
It's your very own milking table.
634
00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:28,523
How did you...
635
00:25:28,525 --> 00:25:31,527
Just get on the table,
put your dick in the hole
636
00:25:31,529 --> 00:25:34,529
and I'm gonna milk the cream out of you.
637
00:25:34,531 --> 00:25:36,632
This is unbelievable.
Did you, like, hire, like,
638
00:25:36,634 --> 00:25:39,105
- a TaskRabbit to do this?
- Okay, so I've been thinking about it.
639
00:25:39,107 --> 00:25:42,204
I think that you jerk
off to milking table porn
640
00:25:42,206 --> 00:25:45,540
because it's just the dick and the girl.
641
00:25:45,542 --> 00:25:47,210
Right? So it's your biggest insecurity.
642
00:25:47,212 --> 00:25:48,376
It's your biggest fear.
643
00:25:48,378 --> 00:25:51,379
Which means it's your ultimate fantasy.
644
00:25:51,381 --> 00:25:53,148
Oh, my God.
645
00:25:53,150 --> 00:25:54,317
Yeah.
646
00:25:54,319 --> 00:25:56,653
And, last night, we
did what I wanted to do.
647
00:25:56,655 --> 00:25:59,089
So, tonight, we could
do what you want to do.
648
00:25:59,091 --> 00:26:00,824
And, tomorrow, we could do what we want.
649
00:26:00,826 --> 00:26:03,629
And that's intimacy, right?
650
00:26:04,635 --> 00:26:06,158
- Mm.
- I love you so much.
651
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,497
- I love you.
- Not only are you gonna milk me,
652
00:26:08,499 --> 00:26:09,888
I'm gonna milk you.
653
00:26:09,890 --> 00:26:12,167
Mandatory strip right now.
I'm eating your asshole.
654
00:26:12,169 --> 00:26:13,837
- Do it right now. Take off your clothes.
- Really?
655
00:26:13,839 --> 00:26:16,241
- Mandatory strip. That's right. Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
656
00:26:18,142 --> 00:26:20,043
Get up there right now.
I'm gonna milk your asshole.
657
00:26:20,045 --> 00:26:23,412
I feel like, f-for me, it's not milking.
658
00:26:23,414 --> 00:26:25,881
It-It's more like a
gerbil and its bottle.
659
00:26:25,883 --> 00:26:27,339
Whatever it is, let's do it.
660
00:26:27,341 --> 00:26:29,409
- I'm ready to ride the momentum.
- Okay.
661
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,109
Yo.
662
00:26:54,444 --> 00:26:57,849
I'm just... I'm just
gonna park on the street.
663
00:27:53,915 --> 00:27:56,915
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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