All language subtitles for [Waploaded_10863]KissKiss20221080pNFWEB-DLDDP51H264-playWEB-HI

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS ARE FICTIONAL

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PEOPLE
OR EVENTS IS COINCIDENTAL

- [car accelerating]
- [surf music playing]

- [woman] Slow down! You're gonna kill us!
- [horn honks]

- [man] Move it!
- [tires screech]

[man] What if HQ decides
to move me to New York?

I want to go to California!

- You've just gotta grin and bear it.
- Los Angeles! At the office in flip-flops.

- Straight from the beach.
- [tires screech]

Whoa!

Whoa! Slow down! We still have an hour.

- [tires screeching]
- [horns honking]

[surf music continues]

KISS, KISS!

[woman] You see? We're 45 minutes early.

This will be the biggest deal
in company history.

If you manage to close it.

[man] If?

[woman] Well, the guys from Japan
still need to sign it.

[man] It's just a formality.

Once they sign it,
I'll be the king of the world.

You remember my parents
are coming this weekend?

Well, that's perfect.

I'll go party downtown with the boys
and stay out of your hair then.

No, they want to meet you.

- What am I gonna say to them?
- What do you mean?

"It's very nice to meet you.
I'm the one banging your daughter."

Madzia, we've got a good thing going.
The sex is great and all...

[chuckles] But we never promised
each other anything more.

[inhales deeply] Yeah.

- Yeah. That's what...
- Oh, hey, Madzia.

- Hey.
- [Madzia] Hi.

- Welcome, welcome.
- [man] Hi.

So, is that your big
multi-million-dollar idea?

You're really climbing the ladder,
huh, man?

They're gonna make you
global manager in no time.

- I'm not counting my chickens just yet.
- [Madzia] Tomek!

When they appoint you Head of Operations,
you won't forget your friends, will you?

Tomek!

Chill. Everything's under control.
I forgot my phone.

I'll be right back.

[footsteps receding]

[phone ringing]

I'm coming. I'm coming.

[laughing softly] I can't wait as well.

- [rock music plays]
- [woman giggling] Yeah.

Wait, but...

[gasps]

- I'll call you later, okay?
- [chuckles]

- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- Oh no, my oranges!

- I'm terribly sorry.
- The best local ones.

I put them in some Jell-O mix,
and it's delicious.

- Do you ever use Jell-O?
- Of course. All the time.

- Excuse me.
- [woman 2] Sure. No problem.

What?

Oh my God, Kasia, they're here.

- The Japanese?
- Yeah.

Over a half hour ahead of time?

What are you doing? Find Tomek already?

I'll call him.

[door alarm beeps]

- [doors hiss and close]
- [sighs]

[phone ringing]

[ringing stops]

[speaking Japanese]

[speaking Japanese]

Um...

[speaking Japanese]

Ah! [speaking Japanese]

- [chuckles and repeats phrase]
- Ah. [repeats phrase]

We're honored to meet you.
Thank you for the invitation.

- [laughing uneasily]
- [chuckles]

- [Madzia chuckles softly]
- [whimsical music playing]

Beautiful day.

It's just started.

[laughing] Well, I already know
it'll be beautiful.

Hmm, are you a psychic?

Of course. Your hand.

Come on, I'll tell your fortune.

This is the most important day
in your life.

- And it's mine as well.
- [woman] Really?

Well, yeah.
It's no coincidence that we met.

It must be destiny.

In a few minutes
I'm signing the contract of a lifetime.

- Congratulations.
- And I'll grant you three wishes.

- [woman] Oh, so now I have three wishes?
- Yeah.

How about... disappear the way you appeared.

No, come on!
You can't just throw away your wishes.

[woman] In that case I'd like to...

Wait, just let me tell you.
You should wish for a hundred more wishes.

Mm-hmm, and you'll grant them all?

- Yeah.
- [woman] In that case...

- [inhales]
- [door hisses]

- [whispering] I wish you had a ticket.
- What?

[scoffs]

And you.

Ticket, please. Ticket.

[music stops]

[sighs] Um...

How about... water? [laughs uneasily]

Water.

[speaking Japanese]

Uh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll check.

You can keep checking. Hm.

It is surprising how rarely fare dodgers
excuse not having a ticket

using the dichotomy paradox.

Yeah, Zeno of Elea would argue
locomotion is impossible,

ergo the bus isn't moving,
ergo what's to pay for?

[ticket controller 2] Yeah,
which brings us to the problem.

Do you have any ID?

To your health.

[ticket controller 2]
We don't like to resort to using force...

- [phone ringing]
- ...but would you listen to us otherwise?

Gentlemen,
I have a very important meeting.

- I have to take this.
- All right.

I'm sorry.
He fucked up and won't be there.

- That takes care of that.
- Here you go.

- What, are you nuts?
- How so?

- Let me go, you bastard!
- [laughs]

[chuckles, sighs]

- You aren't gonna believe it.
- [Kasia] I won't.

I wouldn't believe it either.

I don't give a shit...

if you were abducted by aliens...

[sighs] ...an elderly nympho, or boy scouts.

I only wish that you were dead.

[chuckles]

But you wouldn't want me
to go work for the competition.

Go ahead.

- They're just waiting, you know.
- Go on then!

Before I tear out your eyeballs!

[sad music playing]

[sighs]

Are you getting in?

Madzia, thanks.

Chillax.

The sooner you move out
of my place the better.

Uh, what about your parents?

Hmm.

[music continues]

[insistent knocking]

[music fades]

[laughs uneasily] Hi.

- What kind of a greeting is that?
- I thought you were dead.

- Your sense of humor's improved.
- We haven't spoken for ages.

All right. Are you going to let me in
or do you want to do this in the hall?

[scoffs]

- Uh, did you come to say goodbye?
- Nice place you got.

- Are you going somewhere?
- [grunts]

No. I just wanted to come see you.

[sighs] Now look at me in the eye
and say that again.

Listen. You won't believe what happened.

- No. I know I won't.
- But you'll be happy.

- Yeah?
- [Tomek] I was fired from my job.

I lost my apartment as well,
my car, and everything else.

But what does that have to do
with me? Go rent a place.

Yeah. I'm completely broke.

Are you serious?
But you've been making so much money!

Do you know much it costs
to live in this city?

Uh, yeah, I do.

I was taking about... [chuckles]

[chuckles] Well, this wasn't it.

So my dirty little hovel,
it's not to your liking, huh, sir?

Then I don't understand
what you're doing here...

[grunts] ...since this is just,
it's just a dingy little flat.

Get out of here.

[laughs] Will you calm down, please?

Chill.

Just for one night. Come on.

[scoffs]

- [Tomek chuckles]
- The sofa.

[footsteps receding]

[Tomek] The sofa's just fine.

[keyboard clicking]

Well? Do you wanna go out?

- [keyboard clicking]
- [scoffs] I... I have a job, okay?

- Come on, work can wait.
- Well, it didn't wait for you, did it?

Come on, you can chill out a little.

Let's go have some fun,
get hammered, and pick up some honeys.

[keyboard clicking]

I just... sorry,
but I don't really feel the need to.

All right.

[inhales] Could I ask you
for a little... a little favor?

[scoffs] I knew it. Give someone an inch,
and they're gonna take a mile.

- [Tomek] It's just a small favor.
- [keys clicking]

I need you to hack into
the city's surveillance system

for footage from outside
the office this morning.

- [keys stop]
- I met a real knock-out there today.

I have no intention of helping you
satisfy your primal urges.

- I'm not hacking into anything.
- Sure, but she really might be the one.

[man] Yeah, sure she is.

- I've only heard that a thousand times.
- [keyboard clicking]

I'm a collector. Women are like flowers.

They only bloom
while under my gaze and tender touch.

Flowers, my friend,

they look so much better
when they're in a big bouquet. [laughs]

But I guess you wouldn't know.
You're into cacti.

So what do you say? Will you do it for me?

Why don't you give it up already?

Why don't you pull
that big stick out of your ass?

- [melancholy music playing]
- [sighs]

[door opens and closes]

[exhales]

[sighs]

I know, Gauss.

We're going to get through it, all right?
He'll be leaving tomorrow.

[exhales]

Hiya, Karol.

[chuckles] You know my talents.

And I've recently become available.

Listen, man,
after that last stunt you pulled,

- you're finished in this industry.
- [shutter clicking]

What happened anyhow?

How'd you screw it up so bad
in the final stretch, dude?

She was some piece of ass, huh?

Didn't I warn you? I told you.

This weakness of yours will be
your downfall. Yeah.

Hey, you got a cigarette, man?

- I don't smoke.
- Well...

I'll take five bucks, then.

Or whatever you got.

Here. Take it.

- Really?
- Cheers.

Yeah. [laughs]

Hey. Hey, thank you, sir!

Ah, thank you!

["How Can I Love You"
by Ashley Thomas playing in the club]

Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Uh. [chuckles]

Midas?

Dude! [laughs]
It's been too long.

[Midas] Don Tomas.

- Hey.
- How's it going?

Ah, when it rains, it pours.

Terrible.

Would you have a job for me
by any chance?

Look, I don't shoot anymore.

Well, not in Poland. Too crowded here.

- I'm moving to Hollywood.
- That's big.

Uh, two vodkas, if you please, sir.

- Make that four.
- Or maybe eight of them?

[chuckles]

[grunts softly]

It's actually a wedding.

You, King Midas,
stooping so low for a gig like that?

You know, I had an accident.
I got a DUI, which means that...

Right, Hollywood isn't gonna call now.

- That's the thing.
- [glasses clink]

- All right.
- [Tomek] Hmm.

Look, they offered me a deal.
If I film this wedding,

they'll give me back my passport.

So, what am I supposed to do?

Listen, I will film the wedding
using a couple of cameras,

maybe a crane,
a drone, an articulated arm.

Tarantino style.
And you can do the making of,

some talking heads and whatnot,
behind the scenes stuff.

Nah, I don't know
if it's my kind of thing.

Come on, let's do it, Tomek.

You'll make a lot of money,
meet a lot of influential people.

- So, whose wedding is it?
- [Midas clears throat]

Whoa-ho!

Minister Kosecki. What do you know.

He's a... big deal.

This is the guy
who's running the whole show.

- So he's the guy?
- Of course not. It's his son.

- And this is the honorable Mrs. Minister.
- [Tomek] I've seen her somewhere before.

She was an actress when she was younger,
but she was pretty terrible.

She caught on quick
and married a politician.

Here's to her health. [clears throat]

- [woman laughing]
- Well, that's great. Thank you very much.

Thanks.

["Libiamo ne' lieti calici"
from La Traviata playing]

[man humming "Libiamo ne' lieti calici"]

[humming continues]

[humming intermittently]

[music stops]

- [humming stops]
- [footsteps tapping]

[humming]

["Libiamo ne' lieti calici" resumes]

[music continues]

- [woman] Here you are.
- [man] Thank you again.

- [woman] Good luck.
- [man] Thanks a lot.

- [footsteps approaching]
- [woman hums "Libiamo ne' lieti calici"]

[sneezes loudly]

[clears throat, sniffs]

- [sniffs, exhales]
- [woman continues humming]

[exhales]

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

[chuckles] I've got the plant
that you ordered.

From Bolivia.

Blossfildia liliputana?

[gasps] It's so... pretty, isn't it?

[woman] I know, right?

- And yet it's so small.
- [man chuckles]

It's going to need a lot of light
and tenderness.

I... [chuckles nervously]
I'll take care of it.

And keep it away from drafts too.

O... Of course. Yeah.

Yes, and thanks for the advice.
[softly] Yeah.

And how is Stefan Banach doing?

And um, and the other one,
with its prickles like the spiral of Fi...

- Filius Fibonacci.
- Filius Fibonacci!

- Perfectly! And uh...
- Yeah?

Möbius sprouted like a lateral...
a... a lateral shoot.

That's incredible. That means
it wants you to reproduce right now.

- That's...
- Uh, proliferously, of course.

I mean... [giggles]

Yes, of course.
[inhales tremulously, sneezes]

Oh! [chuckles] God bless you.

- Thanks. I'm sorry.
- [chuckles] No.

I can help out with that
if you would like.

- Help out?
- Uh, with the reproduction, I mean.

[inhales sharply] You need to grab it
by the stem firmly, and...

- [gasps]
- ...tear it off.

[exhales] Oh, tear it off.

Well, I... I...

[man gasps]

Uh...

- [man sneezes]
- [footsteps receding rapidly]

[pot clatters]

170...

I mean 17.

No, 28.

- [pot clatters]
- [chuckles]

- [sneezes]
- [laughing] I don't believe it.

I can't believe you fell in love
with a flower girl.

What's so funny about that?

- The fact that you're allergic to flowers.
- But I'm not allergic to cacti.

[laughs loudly]

Nah, it'll never work.

I know about this stuff.

Unless I help you.
But you have to help me.

Hacking is an actual crime, you know.
Besides, I can't tolerate parasites.

Fine. I'll pay you rent for the right
to sleep on your broken sofa.

- I thought you didn't have any money.
- I don't, but I have a gig.

And it's a gig for two.

I don't understand why I should help you.
I don't even like you, man.

- 'Cause you'll make some cash.
- [scoffs]

And I, as your brother and your friend,
I'm gonna help you score that chick.

- I'll show you what to do.
- Her name is Klara.

And I don't want any advice from you,
you pathetic Casanova.

[footsteps receding]

- [laughs]
- [alarm beeps]

[Tomek] Oh!

There. There you go. Get lost.

[sighs]

All right.

Before I go, let me give you
one more piece of advice for free.

When you make your move,
you should make it on neutral ground.

Neutral ground?

Outside the store.

- No, no, I told you...
- Let's practice together!

You gotta keep asking her questions.

- 'Cause women really love when we do that.
- About what?

Anything.

Okay, you be Klara, and I'll be you.

Hello there, Klara.

What's up, girl. How you doin'?

I'm so sorry
for running out on you last time

and forgetting to pay for the cactus.

[gasps]

- [laughs]
- Oh! [groans]

[sighs deeply]

Hello.

[sensually] Hello there. [chuckles]

- [grunts]
- That must've hurt. [chuckles]

I... I'm all right, miss.

I... I'm sorry that earlier...

- I... I forgot to pay you.
- No! No, it's all right. It's cool.

Well, I just wanted to... to tell you that...
Well, I've been thinking...

What about?

It's just that I wanted to...

No, well, um...
I was actually thinking that...

What is it you've been thinking?

That maybe we could together...
I mean, you and I could just go out and...

Yeah.

If you want.

I'm going to the bank now.
Would you want to me walk me there?

[nervously] Mm-hmm.

[hesitates] How is the new purchase doing?

- [hesitates] Leibniz?
- Interesting name. [laughs]

- [laughing] Sure.
- Is he named after the mathematician?

Yeah.

[chuckles nervously] Uh... Um...

I put him next to Skłodowska. [laughs]

A... And did you know
you can graft them together?

Graft them together?

N... No. How?

Well, you just make a hole in Skłodowska,
then stick your little Leibniz in there.

- [chuckles]
- Oh, uh, using what?

I mean, we could do it together
in the flower shop, if you want to.

- I would love to.
- Maybe we should be less... formal.

- My name is Klara.
- Yes, I mean, my name is Janek.

Okay.

- [kissing]
- [Klara chuckles nervously]

- It's three times. [laughs]
- [chuckles]

Uh, maybe we could go somewhere?

- You mean out together somewhere?
- Mm-hmm.

- Like where?
- Well...

- Everywhere.
- [chuckles]

Out for coffee or food somewhere.

[softly] Sorry.

- Uh, to a movie or the park or...
- That's not the best idea.

I... I know that seems, um,

a... a little fast,
but I... I've never really felt...

Uh, no, it's not about you.

- It's about me. Um...
- Ah.

- I'm just not the right girl for you.
- I... I get it. Yeah.

And I'm very sorry.

I promise I won't be bothering you,
well, anymore.

[rhythmic music playing]

AMBER PALACE

It's only a week until the wedding.

I'm totally against any changes.

But my brother and I
are just filming the making of.

And the actual video
will be filmed by Midas.

Midas. Whatever he touches just...
I'll have words with him.

Please don't do that. Please.
It's all my fault.

You need to fight for your own happiness.

Like in the cult film,
Fight for Your Happiness.

You've seen Fight for Your Happiness?

- It's my favorite film.
- But that was ages ago.

I know all of your films by heart.

All of them?

Both, right?

And your role
in Melons and Felons was just...

Polish cinema has never seen
another star with sex appeal like yours.

You just have to act again.

For all of us.

For your country who loves you.

[inhales]

And the camera,
it will love me too, right?

Without a doubt.

They used to say
I could work in Hollywood. [chuckles]

But not anymore.

You still look fantastic.

You look incredible.

You look amazing!

[gasps] Finally, someone who gets it.

Tomasz? Was that your name?

- Yes.
- Call me... Patsy.

Now, please sign this.

And I welcome you both aboard!

Uh, what is this?

A non-disclosure agreement.

What you're going to see here
is absolutely top secret.

If you whisper a word to anyone...

My husband, you know who he is?

- Hmm.
- Exactly.

Well, when he throws someone in jail,
I'm totally sorry for them.

All right then.

And you? Are you mute? [chuckles]
Why aren't you talking?

Nah, he's just a bit slow.
You don't have to worry about him.

My daughter-in-law has arrived.

I mean my future daughter-in-law,
obviously.

- [phone rings]
- Oh, excuse me. Hello?

[Patsy] Hello?

Hi there.

[groans]

Uh, Ola.

Tomek.

[inhales sharply]

Lovely name.

I guess everything about you is lovely.

- You're getting married?
- That's right.

- Well, my condolences.
- [sighs]

What's that?

What are you doing?

Oh, well, I just saw you on that bus.

What are the odds?
And now you're right here in front of me.

I just wanna see what'll happens. [grunts]

- [Ola] Now you know.
- [Tomek chuckles]

Okay.

I'm very sorry.

Can we just start over?

- You're an idiot.
- Reprobate, miscreant, and scoundrel.

What are you laughing at?

This is exactly
how great love stories begin.

- [huffs]
- [Patsy] Well?

Let's start getting down to work.

Oh, but we are.
We are getting down to work. [laughs]

[melancholy music playing]

[Janek softly] Damn it.

[Janek grunts]

[grunts, sighs]

I'm sorry, but how long are you planning
on feeling sorry for yourself?

Fight for her, man.

- Fight for happiness.
- [scoffs]

- But she rejected me.
- Bullshit. I've seen how she looks at you.

- How?
- The same way you look at her, man.

No, she said herself we're just not right
for each other, and it's not a good idea.

- [Tomek] Listen.
- Hmm.

For such an intelligent guy,
you're as naive as a child.

- [sighs] It's all part of the game.
- Part of what game?

The conquering game.

You get to be manly.
She doesn't have to be easy. You both win.

So the reason Ola slapped you like that
was to conquer you?

- Hmm. [sips] Brilliant deduction.
- [glass clatters]

[scoffs] Except she's getting married.

I can't discriminate
against married women.

- That wouldn't be nice of me.
- [scoffs]

Ola will be mine anyway.

- [laughs] Yeah, you go on dreaming.
- Wanna bet?

That's a bet.

Totally. We need to change the menu.

We've got 30 guests allergic to shellfish,
40 to nuts, 16 to citrus fruits,

and 200 gluten and lactose.
Put some gold flakes in.

No one's allergic to gold.
What about the flatware?

Uh, I have an invoice
for the insurance company right here.

Phew! That's great.

The tableware will be gold as well,
just like Melania,

because everyone says I look like her.
[chuckles]

No, Melania would be lucky
just to wash your dishes.

- You're divine, Patsy.
- [upbeat music playing]

[mockingly] Got it?

- [scoffs]
- [Tomek] You got it?

Attention! What's that supposed to be?

That isn't the right look.

- Where are their wigs?
- They're coming.

- And the tights?
- Uh...

Shoulders down.

Shave.

Smile.

Wait. It's better if they don't smile.

Positions!

[music stops]

Right turn! Start!

- And action!
- [upbeat music resumes]

Move it, move it, gentlemen.
One, two. One, two,

Posture now! Keep your backs straight.

And keep your distance
from everyone else, please.

[Tomek] So is it a costumed wedding then?

Don't be ridiculous.

- This is just rehearsal dinner.
- Uh-huh.

The actual wedding
will be at the Royal Castle.

- Whoa.
- [chuckles]

But that is, of course,
absolutely top secret.

[Tomek] Wow.

Well... [clears throat]

["Spring" by Vivaldi plays]

Our event, uh, echoes the greatness
of the Polish Nobles' Commonwealth.

Kuba Wojewódzki will be hosting
and ensuring the right ambience.

The music will be provided by Ed Sheeran,
together with Beyoncé and Zenek Martyniuk.

Get that out of my face!
At the stroke of midnight... [giggles]

...a spectacular fireworks will light up
the sky all over Warsaw. [chuckles]

Wow.

Our President will be there.

The US President will totally be there.
He's a friend of ours.

Along with members of the government,
VIPs, over a thousand guests.

That's going to cost a fortune.

My husband has access to a dedicated fund
from the Crisis Shield.

Our little prince... [laughs]

...is going to get a wedding
like this country has never seen before.

Mm-hmm. But that's totally, absolutely...

- Top secret.
- Top secret.

So, uh, my son's wedding is on Saturday

and on Sunday, my husband's election.

- [wedding planner] Mm-hmm.
- Pretty clever, modesty apart. [chuckles]

What the fuck!

- Are you out of your mind?!
- What is it?

Councilman Paweł Zgrabny
and Senator Pizana at the same table?

- Ugh!
- I'm so sorry! I'll change it right away.

It's a total bloodbath. Don't film this.
Stop filming! Don't you film this!

What about the balloons?

Where the hell are the balloons?
And... Ugh.

[wedding planner]
The Great Hall has a mural by Bacciarelli.

- It's a masterpiece. And balloons...
- [Patsy] It'll look better with balloons.

- Right, Ola? Aleksandra!
- What? Yes, balloons will be much better.

Kris is calling. Hello, darling?

Yes, I miss you too.
Everything's under control.

[softly] I'm trying,
but she's driving me crazy.

All right. Here it is.

- Visualization.
- See? It's better with balloons.

- Hello? Are you getting this right now?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The release mechanism needs improvement,

but in general,
the balloons look very good.

[playful music playing]

[huffs]

[gasps, huffs]

[gulps]

[gasps, grunts]

[sniffs]

Are you filming?

[Tomek] Yes, I am. Shall we?

- Mm-hmm.
- [Tomek] All right.

Uh, why don't you tell us something
about your future daughter-in-law?

I hope that Aleksandra

is going to be a very good wife to my son.

After all, he chose her himself.

And Krystian has always had great taste,
totally luxurious.

- When he was an altar by, he...
- [phone ringing]

Just hold one second.

Hello?
What do you mean he didn't come?

Hold on. Wait a second.

She didn't say much about you.

- So how about you tell us a little more?
- No.

Come on, please.
Don't make this difficult.

Whatever you want.
About your family, I don't know.

I'm an orphan. My grandma raised me.

- And that's all?
- Yeah.

Well, all right.

How many of your people are you inviting
to this totally great wedding of yours?

[sighs] My grandma and two bridesmaids.

Only three people? Out of a thousand?

[gentle music playing]

[clears throat]
Can you look at the camera?

There!

- [sighs deeply]
- [clears throat]

[Tomek] I'd really like to...
get to know you.

So, tell me about yourself.

I looked for you on social media,
and you're not there.

- [shutter clicks]
- Are you a spy or something?

- [chuckles] I'm a student.
- [shutter clicks]

Okay. Of what?

Romance Studies.

Ooh! What year?

- I'm writing my master's now.
- What about?

About courtly love.

About courtly love?

Courtly love is the archetype
of what we call passionate love,

crazy, against everything and everyone.

But for you, I'm sure it's an abstraction.

And do you really know
what true passion is?

[chuckles]

All right, tell me more.
Recite a fragment of something for me.

"My lords, if you would hear a high tale
of love and death..."

- Oh! Tristan and Isolde.
- Have you read it?

Of course I have.

"...how to their full joy,
but to their sorrow also."

"They loved each other,
and how at last they died..."

- "...of that love..."
- "...together upon one day, she by him..."

- "...and he by her. Amour et mort.”
- "...and he by her. Amour et mort.”

- And what is the supposed to mean?
- It's about love and death.

Okay. Don't you have something to edit?

- Like what?
- Go look over the footage.

- "Amour et mort.” [laughs]
- [Ola] "Amour et mort.”

All right then.
Love and death. What about it?

Love only moves us
when death looms over it.

Love playing with risk, love on the edge,
love that ignores all the rules.

[playful music playing]

Oh!

[grunts] Help me up, you moron.

- [Tomek laughs]
- Well?!

[music continues]

[speaking French]

- [sniffs] Ah.
- [music stops]

What do you mean they ordered first?
They're my flowers.

What do I care about some First Holy Mass?

Whose son?

Ah. I understand.

In a cathedral,
lilies would look much better, right?

The camellias are mine.

And you better bring them over here
right fucking now!

- [sighs]
- [phone beeps]

I'm generally good-natured,
but sometimes I get totally pissed off.

Hey, I know of a great place
to get flowers. Low prices.

[ironically] Low prices.

Aw, what's with you, Aleksandra?
You look totally flushed. Take something.

I don't want you ruining the wedding
because of some...

- [loud clattering]
- ...some virus.

Oh!

- [Tomek] What are you doing?
- Uh, I didn't touch it. Look?

So tell me, is your loving mother-in-law
giving you trouble?

Well, she keeps shouting at everyone,
pushing me around like furniture.

She wanted me to get a nose job, but
she couldn't risk it not healing in time.

- And what does Kris say?
- He's still in Dubai.

[grandmother]
He should be supporting you.

He can see how much his mother cares.
She insisted on paying for everything.

- Wait, but I bought the dress.
- [chuckles]

Let's have another drink.

The only thing I fought for were the vows.

It will be quiet, modest, normal.

Ola, dear, what on earth is the matter?

[sighs]

You should be positively buzzing
with joy right now.

- [chuckles]
- And you look so worried.

You look miserable.

- That's what love does to some people.
- What nonsense.

- [iron hissing]
- When I was getting married...

Grandma, actually, your marriage
was not a model relationship.

- Which one? With Stefan?
- [chuckles]

We were crazy for each other.

I don't want to hear about that.

We only got out of bed
when we were weak with hunger.

The rest of the time we were busy buzzing.

[Ola huffs]

But the most important thing

is just that he's someone
who can make you truly happy.

I am happy. Kris fulfills my every wish.

Is it buzzing?

- What?
- You know.

Does your body buzz when you're with him?

[laughs]

Dude, this whole courtly love thing
is actually pretty cool.

They kept getting into love triangles.

The Lady cheats on her Lord
with a sexy knight.

Now that's the kind of thing
I like to hear. [laughs]

- Why didn't we learn thins in school?
- You know what?

You have a very... [sighs]
...one-track mind.

You simplify everything. [panting]

Listen, I know you don't need my advice,
but... maybe a little?

[panting] Ah.

Hmm.

["Say You Will" by Stephan Sechi playing]
♪ Let's get together, just you and I ♪

♪ We could have a good time ♪

♪ So don't be shy... ♪

- That's good, for Halloween.
- ♪ Come on, honey ♪

♪ Just say you will ♪

♪ I know a little place ♪

♪ Where we could be ♪

♪ Kissin' and huggin'... ♪

- ♪ Just you and me... ♪
- Nah.

♪ Come on now, honey ♪

- ♪ And say you will... ♪
- Ah.

Listen, that acually look pretty good.

- Just don't slouch.
- Oh.

Posture projects your attitude.

[sighs] Hold on. What attitude?

Be relaxed, self-confident.

She needs to know
you're dealing the cards.

[scoffs] I... I'm not dealing any cards.

Ugh. You know, sometimes I really think
there's something wrong with you.

Body language,
use it to send vibes, signals.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Chicks dig it.

- Yeah.
- [exhales]

I'm proud of you.

Now you can pick them up by the bunch.

I told you. I don't want
to pick up bunches of anything

'cause I love Clara,
and I don't want to cheat on her.

[huffs] I don't want you to cheat on her.

I just want you
to make her a little jealous.

It's a powerful aphrodisiac,
I'm telling you.

Appreciate it. It's priceless knowledge,
and you get it for free.

How many times have I told you?
I don't want any of your moronic advice.

[Janek sighs]

Well? Just spit it out then.

[exhales deeply]

- Thanks, all right?
- Say it again.

- [loudly] Thank you.
- One more time.

GREEN STEM

- Good morning.
- Sorry, but I have to go out for a...

Hello there.

Oh, it's you.

Uh, I mean it's you, sir.

Well, yeah.

You... you... you look somehow... different?

Oh, it's just a little metamorphosis.

[chuckles] You look so Hollywood.

Like Brad Pitt or Leonardo, or something.

- Are you teasing me? Are you...
- Uh...

- Really?
- No! I would never make fun of you, sir.

I'm sorry about last time.

Well, we could always be friends, or...

Start over?

- Janek.
- Klara.

- [giggles]
- Janek.

Uh, what do you think about...
about what's going on in the world?

About what?

The whole global situation.

Like in Africa or in the Middle East?

Um, I guess in general?

I'm generally worried about...

- A... about what?
- [giggles]

- Well, in general.
- Ah.

Um, and in detail?

In detail?

Well, about the climate crisis,
the economic crisis,

the destruction of tropical rain forests...

- Ah.
- ...terrorism, the pandemic,

um, all the children starving in Africa...

Uh... A-and in Ethiopia?

Well, yes, of course.

You can't have all the world's problems
on your shoulders.

- Or can you?
- [woman shrieking]

Is that you, honey-bunny?
Where were you?

Wow, you look so handsome, so elegant.

- I've missed you so much. [smooching]
- But...

- What are you doing, ma'am?
- What, don't you recognize me?

No. Please leave me alone.
You're a lunatic!

Hello, hello, excuse me. Uh...

- Is this guy bothering you, ma'am?
- What?

- She's the one bothering me.
- No.

Calm down. Calm down!

Should we calm him down for you?

It's just our little lovers' spat.
Right, honey-bunny?

- Who are you?
- [giggles]

Get out.

Get out!

What's up?

You hired that crazy woman
to embarrass and humiliate me.

But...

What is this is about?

Klara.

She...

She... She took off.

- She was crying.
- She was crying?

- I think so.
- That's good.

- That means to her, you're important.
- Well, to me, you're just an asshole.

Chill out.

- Everything is going to plan then.
- Oh yeah? What plan?

Since time immemorial,
lovers have conquered obstacles,

haven't they?

Hamlet and Ophelia, Romeo and Juliet...

To get your happy ending,
you've gotta use your noodle.

Wh... What happy ending?
They all die, you dolt!

[pants]

- Just trust me.
- [groans]

["Serenade No. 13 in G Major
'A Little Night Music'" playing]

- Ha. This is my design. Do you like it?
- Yeah?

Nice.

- [Ola] I have to go home.
- [Patsy] Out of the question.

I really do.

Aleksandra, am I asking too much of you?

I just want... [sighs]

I expect a little more support from you.

- That's all.
- I didn't want a wedding like this.

- I wanted a modest...
- Modest?

What will people say? And the opposition?

That my husband doesn't adhere
to the most important values?

Every girl dreams of a fairy-tale wedding.

- Would you let me explain?
- [Patsy] I'm talking now!

And you, try not to forget
that you're joining our family.

That's our family.

Our position has certain obligations.
My husband is about to become president.

- That's great. Excuse me. Excuse me!
- [scoffs]

Why are you just standing there?
Bring her back now!

And why are you standing there?
Are you recording the cake?

All right, let's start from scratch.

[Tomek] Hold on.

[panting] You can't drive
in this condition. Let me drive you.

[camera shutter clicking]

- [Ola] How is your contract of a lifetime?
- [Tomek] Ah, they weren't worth it.

You know,
I got through your Tristan and Isolde.

- Got through it?
- Yeah.

- Any thoughts?
- Well, it's an interesting story.

She gets forcibly engaged to that king,
falls in with Tristan,

and they're together
for the rest of their lives.

I know it by heart.
I don't need your cliff notes.

Any opinions of your own?

- Well, you were really screwed over.
- [Ola laughs]

- And by you, I mean women.
- Mm-hmm.

Forced into marriage
against your will for financial reasons.

You think a little orphan girl
snagged a Prince Charming?

- Fell for his money and status?
- No, I'm just offering to be your Tristan.

In case you have a dragon
you need to hunt.

Thanks, no need. [chuckles]

That's pretty convenient.

Eh? [chuckles] You get married,
consummate with your husband,

and then... sleep with whoever you want.

You're unbelievable.

- That's how the book goes.
- All right, stop digging your own grave.

[sighs]

[panting] Grandma, are you all right?

Bronek called to say
you weren't answering your phone.

Bronek?

He's hysterical.

Stubborn like an ox,
and he won't see a doctor.

I just broke up with him. [gasps]

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- This is Tomek. He's filming a making of.
- Wh... What does that mean?

- Uh, it's a film about the film.
- Ah.

Thanks. You can go now.

Ola, dear. Why don't you make some tea.

And you, sonny,
get the cake and some plates.

- [sighs]
- [chair squeaks]

- [teapot clatters]
- [water running]

- That's when the mother-in-law...
- [phone vibrating]

...said that if they skimp on the wedding,
it would totally ruin their prestige.

- [laughing]
- [laughing] Totally. Let them fall.

[Tomek laughing]

- [phone vibrating]
- [Grandma] Such a nice boy.

- Hmm?
- Do you see any faults in yourself?

- Mm-hmm.
- Too bad you've gotta go, Tomek.

- It was a pleasure.
- [with mouth full] A lot of 'em. [laughs]

Gluttony, lack of manners. [chuckles]
Excuse me.

[Grandma laughs]

Laziness, thoughtlessness, unreliability,

impulsiveness, weakness
for the fairer sex, unstable emotions.

- [Grandma laughing]
- I could go through the whole alphabet.

It's unbelievable.

He's the spitting image
of your late grandfather.

- That rascal.
- But I believe in love.

- What do you mean?
- Grandma, don't listen to him.

I believe love can change a person.

[gentle music playing]

That when we love,

we become better.

And the world around us
becomes better too.

You should write that down.

Poetry.

[Tomek chuckles softly]

[Grandma] One more piece?

- I'll take it if you're not gonna eat it.
- [cutlery clinks]

[Tomek, with mouth full] Mmm. Delicious!

- [phone vibrating]
- Oh geez, I'm sorry!

- Hello?
- [Janek] Where are you right now?

Patsy is apoplectic.

A rascal,
but you can tell that he likes you, dear.

[plates clink]

- What are you talking about?
- About the way he looks at you.

- What way?
- What else? Things are buzzing!

Grandma!

It's true!

Buzzing. Buzzing.

- [gentle music continues]
- [sighs softly]

[Klara screams]

- Thief!
- Stay there! [panting]

- [straining]
- [bird flaps wings]

Boo! [laughing]

- It's you?
- Who else?

- How could you do that?
- [laughs]

How could you, huh?

Destiny needs a little help.

- You're a thief.
- Well then, snitch on me.

- Why didn't you warn me first?
- I wanted you to look natural.

And you did. Here you go.

You...

- What's going on here?
- It's him!

What? Gentlemen, what are you...
[grunts] It wasn't me!

Yeah, very good! That's right.

Gentlemen, it's not him!

- No, no, no! It's not him!
- Take this... What?

- I'm telling you, it's not him!
- [Janek groaning]

- It's not him.
- Ah.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

[grunts]

- [huffs]
- Does it hurt?

Not at all. [straining]

[breathing deeply]

[romantic music playing]

May I?

I really like you a lot, Klara.

I like you too.

But that's why we can't.

Why not?

Yeah. I don't want you on my conscience.

But what are you...

There's some kind of curse over me.

Every guy that I...

[exhales] One died
in a motorbike accident,

another disappeared
in a trekking trip in Asia.

The third one had a great business
that suddenly went bankrupt.

That's why I dress like this,
in these rags, these jumpsuits,

so people don't see me
because I'm afraid that if...

[both moaning]

All right.

- I don't want to rush into things.
- I understand.

All right, the asymptote can wait.

It can wait.

And we can do it whenever you're ready.

Thank you.

You are so...

So...

- You're like a lion.
- Wait! I... Oh!

- Oh!
- No, no, no, stop whining.

[dreamy French song playing]

[music stops]

[Tomek laughing louder]

- Ah!
- I forgot my key.

- [chuckles]
- I can see you're in a good mood.

- Oh, well... [chuckles]
- No, I don't believe it. [laughs]

- Mm-hmm.
- Seriously?

Did you manage
to get your stem in her flower bud?

You're just pathetic.

But I was right.
Your shared trauma brought you together.

- But it was completely staged.
- But you didn't know that.

Well, now I know. And...

I'm done. I'm done filming.

Thanks to me, you got your flower
in just a few days.

- And you want to abandon me?
- Ola is too nice for you, man.

And you're just trying to ruin her life
for fun, but I won't let you.

We had a deal. You promised to help me.

- Because I wanted you to leave.
- No, you can't abandon me.

Look who's talking?

The runaway king.

- [scoffs] What are you talking about?
- You know perfectly well.

- [sad music playing]
- Where were you when mom died?

I was studying.

Studying?

You call that studying?

Parties, chicks,
that's all you cared about.

That's not true.

- You can't abandon me.
- Actually I can.

No!

- Yes.
- No, man!

- Yes!
- No!

- [both grunting]
- [sinister music playing]

[metal door unlocks]

[music fades]

[metal door closes]

Do you know who I am?

Smyra.

Don Smyra.

Th... Th... The greatest Polish...

Polish gangster.

It's bull crap.

Georgie.

Georgie here is... [chuckles]
...a terrible criminal,

- but his cooking is five-star.
- [scissors clank]

Please, have a seat.
Georgie, what did you make for us?

Oh, a classic, Mr. Smyra.

Homard grillé au béarnais

Lobster, a delicious breakfast.

Grab yourself a claw.

And bon appetit.

Now to the point.

I was supposed to get out on parole.
And I would have,

if not for Kosecki, who's targeting me
with a new investigation.

That's interesting,
but what does it have to do with us?

Although I'm sitting here,
I have eyes and ears everywhere.

So...

What do you see?

- I see you.
- Me?

A cheap Casanova.

And what you're up to.

- And what am I up to?
- No good!

If Kosecki Junior doesn't get married
tomorrow, then I...

Then you're screwed.

Then I'm screwed.

And then that would make you what?

Screwed also?

Screwed also,
worse than a turkey at Thanksgiving.

First thing I'll do
is hurt your loved ones.

- Yeah, but we don't have family.
- And the flower girl?

[gasps] I mean, she just sells cacti and...

Hold on. Just a moment,
one moment. Hold on.

I don't understand.
One more time from the beginning.

What does Kosecki
never stop talking about?

The death penalty.
He's obsessed with that shit.

The death penalty is the second
most important to... family.

If I'm family,
he'll have to kill the investigation.

Get it?

Ola is my flesh and blood.

[Janek] What?
So Kosecki didn't check her out?

He tried to.

But I erased any records long ago.

So then, Ola
and Kosecki Junior's wedding is a setup?

Do you take me for an asshole
who would use his kid?

No, not at all.

So no more making-of?

Quite the opposite.

You'll finish your gig, of course.

I can't wait
to have such a wonderful souvenir.

Now, dig right in. Come on.

- Ah!
- Ow!

- [groans]
- [pants]

How many girls have you dumped?

Hmm, a few.

But I'm sure they're much happier now,
believe me.

Why do you ask?

Because for the first time in my life,
I wish I were like you.

A heartless Casanova.

- Hey, babe.
- Hi.

Whassup?

- [exhales]
- [Klara] Hmm.

Coming in?

[exhales]

Nah.

[exhales] I've gotta go.
I've got a date with a chick.

I mean, sorry it didn't work out.

Are you high right now?

What? Huh?

N... No, but I plan to be.

It's not about you.
Please don't make that face.

It's me. I need more space and...

Well, you... you know, we... we had some fun,
coco-jumbo and all that.

[sighs] We never promised anything, yeah?

Please, just don't start crying,
all right?

Co... Coco-jumbo and all that?

- I don't get it.
- [groans]

Yesterday you said you liked me,
and today...

And today is today. That's life, babe.

Everything's got an end, right?

So, well...

See you.

[footsteps receding rapidly]

[car stops]

[handbrake creaks]

[car door closes]

- [clears throat]
- [Tomek] Okay...

If you'll just sign right here,
we can get started.

What is that?

It's an annex.
The final cut belongs to us.

Right.

May I ask you, Kris,
to clap for the microphone,

so we can sync the audio?

- Me?
- Yeah.

[groans]

One moment. Right here.Here.

[clap]

Oh sorry, one more time.

- [clap]
- [laughs softly]

Okay.

- When did you get together?
- Over a year.

One year, two months,
five days, and... eight hours.

It was love at first sight.

Oh incredible. I thought things like that
only happen in movies.

Well, as you can see,
life writes the best stories.

[Tomek] Uh, okay,
and where did you meet?

- At a wedding.
- [chuckles]

Ola's friend and my friend,
it was their wedding, you know?

It was a sign.

Uh, what sign?

From above.
We were simply destined for each other.

[Tomek] Wow. that is incredibly romantic.

And what was it like
from your perspective, Ola?

Same feeling.

You're such a lucky guy, Kris.
You never had any competition.

And what do you think
about the institution of marriage?

Well, that's pretty obvious.

Marriage is a religiously consecrated bond
between two people,

which confirms their love
through a sacrament.

And what about you?

- A romantic journey into the unknown.
- Oh!

A journey. Very well put.

- Like Columbus' journey.
- [Ola] Exactly.

Yes. You're Columbus, and I'm America,
which you're trying to plunder. [chuckles]

- I'm sorry. That's not what...
- [chuckles]

Is... Is it just me
or are these questions stupid?

- Uh, the viewers would like to know.
- Excuse me, what viewers?

Well, how about... their children.

They'll want to see
how their parents got it all started.

Which reminds me, uh...

Children, I assume
you're gonna wanna have them, right?

Uh, you're having unprotected sex, right?

You're being vulgar.
I don't appreciate it.

- Let's end this circus. Let's finish.
- All right.

- Do you mind one last question?
- No.

We know how your relationship began,
but where was the first time for you?

- Sex before marriage is a sin.
- Yeah.

So, you haven't done it? [laughs]

No, we haven't.

- Are we done?
- Yeah! [chuckles]

[Patsy] The Minister is here.

Great. [chuckles]

[camera shutter clicking]

Welcome back, sir.

Uh, your speech, sir.

- For the Floor?
- No, this one is for Kris's wedding.

Darling, these are the filmmakers.

Take that away. Take that...

[Tomek] Just one quick question.

What are your hopes
for the marriage of your firstborn son?

Marriage.

First of all,
we should define what exactly it is.

It's a religiously consecrated bond
between two people who love each other.

And of course,
it's the foundation of any family.

Uh, and family is a sacred repository...

- You've got some kind of fluff here.
- [Patsy] Yeah. I noticed that earlier.

- Take care of it.
- [Patsy] All right.

- You could see that.
- [Patsy] It's fine. Calm down.

[Tomek] I'm sorry, Minister.

Marriage is the foundation family,
and family is a repository

of the greatest values and traditions
that our ancestors fought for,

so we could live free and procreate

for the ultimate benefit
of our most dearly beloved homeland.

That's why
my presidential administration will...

be focused on... family values.

All right then... [clears throat]

We'll be welcoming distinguished guests
at exactly 5 p.m.

Thank you for honoring us
with, um, your presence.

Keep moving. Keep moving.

Merci de nous honorer de votre présence.

Grazie per onorarci con la tua presenza.

- Signora, tutto perfetto!
- Good, keep talking. Let's move on. Hey.

All right. Okay. Everyone sits down now.

The time is now,
wait, let's see, 6.03 p.m.

Time for the bridegroom's father's speech.

[wedding planner] One sentence,
I think is very important...

All right, all right.
I'm sure it'll be beautiful and moving.

Everyone is totally crying now.

- We're crying. That's right.
- [guests crying]

Keep crying!

- Did I say something funny?
- No.

- So, what's so funny to you?
- Nothing.

Lately, you've been acting...
pretty distracted, you know.

I'm sorry. [chuckles]

All right, the minister has finished.

And now, eh...

Applause, applause.

- [scattered applauding]
- Is that what you call applause?

- Standing ovation.
- [wedding planner] More!

- [applauding intensifies]
- Applause! Stand up! Stand up!

- Kosecki!
- [guests chanting] Kosecki for President!

For President! For President!

Kosecki! Kosecki!

For President! For President! Kosecki!

- [chanting and applauding fade]
- Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

I promise you I will stand guard
and protect our true Polish families.

We will not let our enemies
undermine Poland

or our traditional family values.

Don't make a fool of yourself.
It's a rehearsal.

- What?
- It's just a rehearsal.

- Oh.
- Where are you going?

Um, we're about to practice
some wedding games now. [chuckles]

- I have a government meeting to get to.
- Fuck the government!

When people see online you're one of them,
your polls are totally going up.

If you think so, sweetheart.

Oh, don't mess with my hair.

["Infernal Galop" playing]

[music stops]

[scattered laughing]

[music resumes]

No! Stop, stop, stop, stop!
This just isn't right.

- What are you going on about?
- We're in here, in our grand Polish home.

We're not going to dance to foreign music.

- ["King Wladyslaw Jagiello" playing]
- Ah! There we go!

[music stops]

[guests laughing]

[music resumes]

[music stops]

[guests laughing softly]

[music resumes]

[music stops]

- [guests laughing]
- [Patsy] Kosecki for president!

He did it again.

He's fighting
like it's the presidential chair.

[guests chanting] ...for President!
Kosecki for President!

- [sad music playing]
- [dog barking in distance]

One, two. [clears throat]

Now, the most beautiful moment
of the entire evening.

I present to you the newlyweds,
Krystian and Aleksandra.

Um, Krystian isn't here. Sorry.

He's out multiplying the GDP. [chuckles]

- Tomasz, could you take his place?
- Me?

- [Patsy] If you wouldn't mind.
- Uh, I'm sure I won't be as good as he is.

I know. Of course not,
but it's only a rehearsal.

- [sighs]
- All right.

Hold this.

- What now?
- Nothing. Stand there.

[waltz playing]

Oh, you asked for it. [laughs]

- Do you have to suck up to her so much?
- What? Are you jealous?

- Are you enjoying it?
- What?

Being such an asshole.

[laughs] Being an asshole is my specialty.

[Ola] What are you... Stop it.

["Kiss Me Baby" by Jonathan Boyle
and Warren Attwell playing]

♪ Now I'm all shook up
Like I've never known... ♪

Oh, come on, let's warm up
for your bachelorette party.

♪ ...trip to Paris ♪

♪ The kind of heart
That can't take much hidin' ♪

♪ Kiss me baby
Set my soul on fire ♪

♪ Kiss me baby, ooh ♪

♪ Kiss me baby
Set my soul on fire ♪

♪ Kiss me baby, ooh ♪

♪ Kiss me baby, mmm ♪

♪ I'm feelin' lonely
Just feelin' inspired ♪

♪ Kiss me baby
Set my soul on fire ♪

- ♪ No, but you got the moves ♪
- [Ola laughing]

♪ So excited when you got the groove... ♪

What is this?

Stop that now!
Turn it off! Turn it off right now!

- [music stops]
- Enough of that!

It's totally break time.

You haven't seen anything.

No one saw anything, okay?

- Forget about it immediately.
- [footsteps receding]

- [panting]
- [panting]

[phone beeping]

[chuckles]

Your mother-in-law is stalking me.

Well, I guess i just lost my job.

[Ola chuckles softly]

[footsteps receding]

What are you drinking?

Nothing, thanks.

I still need to edit the footage.

Could you help me undo my dress first?

I need to lay down.

I don't want to wrinkle it.

Maybe I should call someone.

- To unzip a dress? [chuckles]
- [laughs uneasily]

- Oh, all right.
- [zipper unzips]

Thank you.

You see? I don't bite.

Where are you going?

Uh, well, you said you were tired.
I don't want to bother you.

- Could I ask you for one more thing?
- What is it?

Massage my neck.

I'm feeling so tense.

Uh, yeah, I'm not a masseur though.

All right. What's the issue?

I'm only asking a tiny favor.

Oh, all right.

You don't think I'm trying
to have my way with you?

[Tomek] Well, no.

I would never do that to my husband.

He would probably have you castrated.

And that's just for starters.

Mmm.

You know what?

You really missed your calling.

Could you make me one more drink?

Oh fuck.

Oh, woah.

Patsy, what are you doing?

You said you dreamed about it
since you were a child.

- Well, yeah.
- Were you lying?

- No.
- Just to get the gig?

- No.
- Of course you didn't.

- Don't you want me?
- Yeah.

- I see it in your eyes.
- Of course.

Afraid you won't keep up?

[chuckles] No.

I promise I'll be understanding.

And what about your husband?
He'll castrate me.

He doesn't give a damn.

He only gets hard
thinking about being president.

- [sighs]
- [moans]

The Divine Patsy is going to make
all of your wildest dreams come true.

I'm going to show you some things, baby,
that you never would have imagined.

Ooh. [giggles]

[phone ringing]

[groans]

[huffs]

Yes, Mr. Chairman?

That's no problem at all, sir.

I don't give a shit
about those legal scholars.

We can find dirt on anyone.

At your service, Mr. Chairman.

Moron.

- Wait. Me first.
- [squeals]

[Tomek groans]

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- I will ignite your desire.

Where are you going?

Where are you going, baby?

I'm going to...
I'm going to ignite your passion.

Now where is that...

Uh...

Uh...

Ah.

My wife, where is she?

- Hmm...
- The apartment?

- You don't speak our language?
- [chuckles]

- Fucking immigrants.
- [sneezes]

[chuckles]

[alarm buzzing]

I'm on fire.

- Am I on fire?
- Yes, you are.

There's a fire!

[funk music playing]

- [music continues]
- [laughing]

- [Kris] No! Gentlemen, no!
- [man 1] Come on, man!

- [all] Cheers!
- [indistinct chattering, laughing]

Let's have another one here.
Come on, drink, drink, drink!

All right. Whoo!

[all] Kris's health. Kris's health!
Here, here, here.

- [Janek] All right. Get ready.
- [man 1] Come on.

[man 2] To Kris!

Kiss her! Kiss her! Kiss her!

Come on, let's have a dance!

[man 2] Yeah!
Hey man, where are you going?

- Toast, toast.
- To Ola's health!

Yes! Here's to Oli. [laughs]

Listen, I've been thinking
that we have to get her something old.

- It brings good luck.
- [woman 2] Definitely!

- A necklace.
- [woman 1] Necklace...

- Will a necklace work with her dress?
- [woman 2] Yes. Or maybe a ring. [laughs]

- And what about...
- [woman 1] Let's go with the necklace.

- It'll go well with it.
- [phone ringing]

- Oh!
- Speak of the devil.

Just don't spill the beans.

[woman 1] Hey, girl!

[Ola] Hi. Um, start without me.

I'm sorry. My grandma got sick,
but you have fun. Everything's paid for.

- [woman 1] Ola, what happened?
- [Ola] Nothing.

[hang up dial tone]

[woman 1] Oh!

- [Kris] Why did you come here?
- [Patsy] Go back to your guests.

- Let's not talk about it.
- [Kris] Mom, I really like her.

Oh son, it's too late
for us to back out now.

No! I can't do this to her.
Why don't you understand that?

Don't be such a sissy!
And don't forget how high the stakes are.

In three days
your father is going to be president.

Oh, there you are! Come in.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah.

'Cause Ola called...

It's Ola who's not doing very well.

Her bachelorette party is beginning
right now, but she's here.

She's all alone.

Please help her.

Help her.

I'm going to Bronek's.

Go. Go.

Talk to her.

Bye.

Now, go on!

Oh Jesus Christ, go talk to her!

[romantic song playing]
♪ The man who stole my heart... ♪

Are you crying?

- I'm not crying.
- [glass clatters]

And I didn't invite you.

- Why are you marrying this guy?
- Because!

Because he makes me feel safe,
and he accepts me for who I am.

- Is that all?
- Is that not enough?

Well... [laughs]
You forgot the most important part.

That you love him.

Well, I think that's obvious.

Go away.

And so?

Is that it?

There you go. Everything's gotta end.

So that's the end
of our great, red-hot romance?

- What were you even thinking, huh?
- [chuckles]

That you'd leave that asshole
and fall in love with me.

No.

Go away now.

♪ The man who stole my heart ♪

♪ Is the man I'll always love ♪

♪ He's the one I'm thinking of ♪

♪ So completely... ♪

[indistinct chattering, laughing]

♪ I'm lying to myself ♪

♪ To think that I could steal his heart ♪

♪ I can't believe ♪

♪ It means nothing to him ♪

♪ The man who stole my heart ♪

♪ Is the man I'll always love ♪

♪ He's the one I'm thinking of ♪

♪ So completely ♪

♪ The man who stole my heart ♪

♪ Is the man I'll always love ♪

♪ He's the one I'm dreaming of ♪

♪ Completely ♪

♪ So completely ♪

[scoffs]

- [door closes downstairs]
- [keys jingling]

- [man sighs]
- [footsteps approaching]

[gentle music playing]

The Argentinian rebutia that you ordered.

[chuckles uneasily]

Thanks.

[music continues]

Do you live with someone?

Eh, with my brother.

- I didn't know you had a brother.
- It's almost like I don't.

- We were never very compatible.
- I don't believe it.

No, really.
We're totally different people.

I don't believe what you told me
last time I saw you.

I just...

I want to understand,
so please tell me the truth this time.

I... I've been ordained to priesthood.

- Oh, well, that's not a big deal.
- No!

I mean, it's impossible and dishonest.

I guess so.

- I better go now.
- Can I walk you home?

- I don't want you to.
- But...

[sighs]

[door opens, closes]

Ordained to priesthood?

You...

Hey, sweetheart. Where you going?

- [Klara] Uh...
- Little girl like you shouldn't be alone.

Hey, don't tell me you're afraid of us.
Take a look. We're nice guys.

- Leave me alone!
- How about a little ménage à trois?

[Klara] I'll show you a ménage à trois,
you sex pervert!

Hey! Leave her alone,
unless you want to deal with me, huh?

[grunts, screams]

- [Janek groaning]
- [shouting] Help us!

- [Janek grunts]
- [Karla] Help!

Let's go.

- [Janek groaning]
- [crying] Are you okay? God!

[Janek groaning]

- Does it hurt? Oh my God, you scared me.
- And who are you, miss?

- It's me, Klara. Don't you recognize me?
- [laughs]

I do. [strainin]

And where are those guys?

Running away as quickly as they can.

Oh no, that... that means
I didn't finish kicking their butts.

But you know,
my entire life flashed before my eyes.

Flashed before your eyes? You're not okay.

No, it happens. It's called dilation,
you know, the bending of time and space.

- The theory of relativity covers all of...
- I don't understand anything.

What's important is
that I understood something.

[man] What's going on here?

Is that them?

- Uh...
- Sex in public?

- Uh...
- There's a law against it.

Oh... we know you.

We know you.

Oh.

It's them again.

- Nah.
- Nah.

["Overcome" by Dire Pitan playing]
♪ I've got something to tell you now... ♪

- [kissing loudly]
- [giggling]

♪ Prison of my memory... ♪

- We're totally screwed.
- [chuckles]

- Kosecki is going to kill us.
- Yeah...

♪ I've overcome... ♪

Not to mention your father.

- How do you know about that?
- ♪ I've overcome... ♪

Listen...

I haven't seen him in 12 years.
We moved apartments three times.

- I don't want anything to do with him.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey. Relax

I believe you.

Listen to me.

Pack your things.
I'll be back in three hours.

- Then we'll get the hell out of here.
- They'll get us anyway.

- Nah.
- [chuckles]

I won't let anyone harm you.

♪ I've overcome ♪

♪ I've overcome ♪

♪ Oh, I've overcome ♪

- ♪ I've overcome... ♪
- [Grandma] Oh!

[chuckles]

♪ I'm getting stronger... ♪

[chuckles] Good morning.

Good morning.

♪ 'Cause you are stronger... ♪

Excuse me, I gotta go.

♪ Yes, I'm stronger ♪

♪ So much stronger ♪

♪ 'Cause you are stronger ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

- [grunts]
- [sinister music playing]

- Hmm.
- [trunk closes]

Ah. Ah.

I'm sorry. Uh... [laughs]

Wh... What's so funny? Hmm?

Nothing. [laughs]

What?

Well, you've got a shiner.

But it looks good on you.

I'm so sorry I... [gasps]

I... [gasps, grunts]

It was my first time.
I've never been... Oh!

- Hold on!
- In a fight before. [gasps]

- And you were trying to protect me?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my chivalrous knight.

- [kissing]
- [phone vibrating]

- [phone vibrating]
- [suspenseful music playing]

[Tomek groans]

No need to be afraid.

You'll be free after the wedding.

Looking at you, I see myself.

Yeah?

- So, what do we have in common then?
- [man] A lot more than you think.

Back in the day, I looked... different.

I had a great job.

I had a great marriage.

Until my Zuzia started sleeping
with her boss.

I kicked her out and started drinking.

I was planning on killing
the both of them.

But then the more I wanted
the more I drank,

and before long, I lost my grip.

- What happened then?
- [man] Time passed.

Then I just lived like a bum.

Nine years at rock bottom.

And then one day
my buddy took me to a job,

renovating a house.

I go with him and who do I see?

Zuzia.

My Zuzia.

She looked more beautiful than ever.

- I thought my heart would break.
- Did she see you?

Who notices a worker in their home?

I only talked to her husband,
so... [inhales sharply]

It was the same fucker
that she had cheated on me with.

So, what?

You get your revenge?

Actually, no.

Well, I cried for a while.

I could see that she was...

flourishing.

With children, a lovely house,
she was comfortable.

I felt such...

gratitude

to that asshole,
that he... he didn't ruin her.

[sighs deeply]

Is there a moral to this story?

Leave her alone.

Why?

Because I checked you out.
You're a horndog and a brokeass.

- What could you give her?
- True love.

True love?
You have no idea what true love is.

Love isn't about banging.

It's not taking. It's giving.

I go back there sometimes.

I sit in my car and watch Zuzia

and cry, out of love and immense joy,

that I didn't fuck it up for her.

- [metal door slams]
- [grunts, groans]

[man coughing]

JAIL

[doorbell chiming]

PRESIDENT OF A BRIGHTER TOMORROW

[door unlocking]

- Good morning.
- Hello.

I'll marry him.

I promise.

You're so beautiful.

I begot an angel.

- Spitting image of your mom.
- How can you even mention her?

You ruined her life. Mine as well.

You're ashamed of me,
and you're right to be.

Sadly, that was my job.

You were a great dad
in between your secret missions.

Though I never believed
in any secret missions.

And when I was 11,
you disappeared for good.

But I always watched over you.

How so?

Remember that brawler from downstairs
who ended up in the hospital?

That asshole from Komorów
who stalked you?

Or the professor
who wouldn't give you a passing grade

in culture studies
unless you were nice to him. You remember?

I never asked you for anything,
but now I'm asking you for one thing.

Let Tomek go.

[footsteps receding]

- [man] Don't move.
- [Janek grunts]

I... I've got a proposition for Mr. Smyra.

[groaning]

Ow!

- [groans]
- You stay right here.

- You too.
- [Janek groans]

[indistinct music plays on device]

- What did you give him?
- You'll see in a minute.

Uh, one moment. It's not my phone.

[silence]

- Your eye?
- I fell off a horse, man.

[Tomek] What horse?

A white one. I charged
in my shining armor to rescue Klara.

[chuckles]

[indistinct music playing on phone]

Unbelievable.

I'm sorry, man.

For what?

For dragging you into this.

And for not helping you with mom.

[sad music playing]

- Forget about it. You were studying.
- Nah.

- I was scared.
- [Janek] Of what?

Watching her fade away.

It was annoying
that you were the apple of her eye.

Get out of here.

Mr. Smyra has given you his blessing.

[upbeat music playing]

[Janek] Slow down.

No! Can you slow down?

- How did you track me down?
- I hacked your GPS.

[breaks screech]

[Tomek] You won't even jaywalk
at a red light.

- [breaks screech]
- [Janek] Yeah, but you're my brother.

Plus, we had a bet.

- You won.
- [Tomek] And I'm a total asshole.

I don't even deserve Ola.

[Janek] Yes, that's actually true,
but they deserve her even less.

I've got the proof on my phone.

[anchorwoman] The Royal Castle in Warsaw,
the old cradle of the Piast dynasty,

destroyed multiple times by invaders
from what is today the European Union...

OUR COUNTRY TV

SWEDISH DELUGE
WE WON'T FORGET THE HARM

Today Poland will bear witness
to joyous modern history.

This is the family
of a true Polish patriot,

Minister Kosecki.

You can't see her right now.
It's very bad luck.

- [Kris] Mom.
- Let's go inside.

Don't "mom" me. Just go inside.

Ignacy.

- What's going on?
- [hyperventilating]

Please don't panic. All right?
Just breathe in deeply, all right?

And out. Breathe in and out.

- Ola, are you not sure?
- [breathing heavily]

Grandma.

[Grandma] Come on, come on, come on.

[funk music playing]

[Janek] Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
Watch out! Watch out!

[breaks screech]

DETOUR

There! There, there. Thanks.

[breaks screeching]

- Move faster, ladies.
- [grunts]

We are totally behind schedule.

- Did something happen?
- No, I just...

- Have you changed your mind?
- [Ola] No, I have to tell you something.

- You don't have to.
- No, but we have to.

We have to trust each other, right?
We can't have any secrets from each other.

- Everybody has them.
- You're keeping secrets?

- Of course.
- Great.

- What's going on?
- I can't move!

Oh! That's a bad omen! It's bad luck!

- You want a punch in the nose?
- Sneakers!

Yes! Borrowed clothing is good luck.

That should counteract the bad luck.
Move it! Move it!

- Got a signal?
- I do, but they're not picking up.

[Tomek] Well, just keep calling.
Come on, call!

[Janek] I am calling.

- Still no answer.
- [Tomek] Well, call back again.

[Janek] I am calling, I am.
Can't you see that?

Maybe it's started already?

[Tomek] Over my dead body!

This wedding, taking place

on the symbolic date
of the Baptism of Poland

and the last pilgrimage
for the Polish pope to his homeland,

will be visited
by the most important state figures.

The Chairman of the leading party
will be there with his cat, Bishops,

and wealthy CEOs
of various state-owned companies.

The bride and groom will also be there.

[engine hiccuping, dying down]

[huffs]

What? What, you wanna give up?

Are you giving up right now?

You can't! You're Tristan,
and you're wearing the shining armor.

Can't you see my Bucephalus
just kicked the bucket?

- Is that gonna stop you?
- [upbeat music playing]

We are joined here at the studio
by Sister Salomea,

a consultant
on traditional Polish weddings.

- Sister, God bless you.
- [chuckles]

Um, during this wedding of the year,
as they're calling this party

thrown by Minister Kosecki,

Beyonce is going to be singing in English
the Pope's favorite song.

Sister, tell me,
do you think this is appropriate?

Shouldn't they have someone
who is singing

such an important Polish song
sing it in the original Polish?

- This is not the right time.
- What?

- You need to give it a rest.
- ["Mendelssohn's Wedding March" playing]

Not now!

[buzzing]

- [buzzing intensifying]
- [music continues]

Throwing a private party
in the Royal Castle, is that appropriate?

It's not appropriate.

It's making a mockery
of the Polish people.

Dear viewers, the arrogance
of this government knows no bounds.

[buzzing intensifying]

Get rid of the drone. [chuckles]

Sir... [panting]
...how much for that piece of junk?

- What's your offer?
- [groans]

- Uh, a hundred?
- [laughing]

- Not enough.
- It's not even worth half that much.

Market rule. Supply is subject to demand.

- All right, two hundred.
- [man] Not enough.

Here. This is all I've got.

Hmm. Yeah. There.

[upbeat music playing]

- Yeah.
- [grunts]

GROCERY STORE

What the fuck?

- Where is my bike?
- There.

[music stops]

- Hail Mary...
- [bells ringing]

- [speakers squeal]
- Ah!

[priest] ...llelujah!

Praise the Lord and rejoice in him.

[bells ringing]

For on this day

the Lord will join
two young people together forever.

[upbeat music playing]

[growls]

[grunts]

[choir singing] If I speak in the tongues
of men and of angels

But do not have love

I am only a resounding gong

Or a clanging cymbal

- Will you take me to the other shore?
- Of course.

- Ah, that's great.
- At 3 p.m.

At 3 p.m. it'll all be over.

Damn, my...

The girl I fell in love with
is getting married.

That'll work.

- [boat engine starts]
- [boat horn honks]

[choir singing] Know that love is
patient, love is merciful...

This whirlpool, can you see it?
Two lovers drowned over there, for love.

- And, uh, you see that tree over there?
- It's beautiful.

That's where the miller's daughter
and the carpenter's son hanged themselves.

Also for love.

And there,
that's where a guy hanged himself

after trying to drag a girl away
from the altar.

Super.

I don't know if I'd call it super, but uh...

[bells ringing]

Repeat the following vows after me.

I, Bronisław.

Repeat after me.

I, Bronisław.

I, Krystian.

- Krystian?
- Krystian.

Well, then repeat.

You, Krystian.

I, Krystian...

Agree to take...

- [whispering] Aleksandra.
- Aleksandra, as my wife.

...agree to take you,
Aleksandra, as my wife.

- And I vow...
- [whispering] To love you.

To love you, cherish you,
and be faithful to you.

And I vow to love you, cherish you,
and be faithful to you.

[priest] Now you repeat.

Hey, buddy! Buddy!

What a moron.

Uh, I, Aleksandra,

take you, Tomasz, uh...

as my wedded husband...

[priest] Well, Hallelujah.

- Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah.

[upbeat music playing]

- [music continues]
- Do you enter into holy matrimony

out of your own free will?

[shouts] No!

[music continues]

Now you two can go ahead and...

[mimics smooching]

And Hallelujah.

[music continues]

- [shouts] No!
- [music stops]

[panting]

You should just tell her the truth.

I think I'm gonna sit down.

He doesn't love you.

[music building up]

I'm sorry.

[upbeat music playing]

- No!
- [priest] Oh my God!

- [Grandma grunting]
- [man] Hallelujah!

Hey! Watch where you're driving, moron!

[Tomek] Hey!

Let's go!

- [music fades]
- [club music playing on phone]

I'm sending it.

[music stops]

[phone chimes]

[club music playing on video]

[phone beeps]

Where'd you get that from?

So you knew?

You knew from the start.

- [Tomek] Of course you did.
- [sighs]

How could you make him do it?

How could you have done it to both of 'em?
What kind of people are you?

- What do you want?
- [Tomek] Three things.

First of all, there was no wedding.

The wedding's already over.

All it takes is for the priest
to not hand over the certifying documents.

- Ugh. [chuckles]
- [dog barking]

That's fine.

That frump never really deserved Kris
anyway.

Second of all, you let Smyra go.

Who is Smyra?

Ask your husband.

Also, Kosecki withdraws
from tomorrow's election.

Are you high or something?

But the...

the results are out.

He won. IIt's over now.

- Oh, well...
- [chuckles]

The people will just have to figure out
a way to get themselves over it.

[Patsy] And the reception?

What about all the stuff
I totally had planned for them?

[sighs] It's not fair!

[band playing gentle tune]

[music fades]

["Chodź, pomaluj mój świat"
performed by Iwanek, Fidecka playing]

- Yes!
- [laughs]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes!

- Yes, yes, yes. Yes.
- [chuckles]

- Klara...
- [softly] Oh...

Yes. Yes!

Ow!

Please, repeat after me.

I, Kris...

I, Kris...

...take you, Adrian, as my wedded husband.

[Kris] ...as my wedded husband.

[celebrant] You may now kiss your husband.

[cheering, applauding]

[song continues]

All right. [sniffs, exhales]

Category "Weird Polish Wedding Films,"

the Oscar for Best Direction
goes to Kiss, Kiss.

That's me.

What are you doing, man?
Why are you pointing at me?

He's the one who wrecked my car.

Catch the bandit, man!

What are you looking at?

[man] What?

["Chodź, pomaluj mój świat"
performed by Iwanek, Fidecka playing]