All language subtitles for Cheers - 819 - Indoor Fun With Sammy And Robby

(Carla)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Friends, congratulate me.

I've just had my first
3 consecutive hours
of sleep

since i became a father.

Lilith's been makin' you
get up with the baby
at night when it cries, huh?

Well,
being a progressive couple,
we actually take turns,

but last night
as she was gently nudging me

with one of
her serrated elbows,

i fell back
on the old yoga trick

of lowering my heart rate,

holding my breath,

and staring blankly
as though i was dead.

And that worked?

Nope. Didn't buy it
for a minute.

See, i forgot it was she
that taught me that trick
during our honeymoon.

You know, this, uh, gettin' up
in the middle of the night

with the cryin' baby stuff,
that's...

that's the reason
i never had kids.

That's the only reason,
huh, cliff?

Yeah, well, that and the fact
that my mother taught me

to have a healthy respect

for the evils
of overpopulation,

know what i mean?
Hmm.

Yeah, you know, i--i can still
remember her lookin' at me
and sayin',

"for the love of god, cliffie,
let it stop with you."

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like
to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ¶

ok, people,
i've got a special day
planned with robin,

so i'm leaving the bar
in your control.

(Rebecca)
i want everything shipshape.

Carla,
straighten up your apron.

Woody, fix your hair.

Sam, stop fixing your hair.

Robin'll be by shortly,
and he's taking the day off.

Oh, how nice for you.
Oh, good.

Nice?

I don't think you understand
the significance of this.

Men like robin colcord
do not take days off.

He had to shift appointments,
put off deals,

cancel plane flights.

When a man like robin
takes a day off,

it is a major commitment.

While for me,
it's a way of life.

So, i guess
this is some kind of honor,

him hangin' out with you
instead of his other babe.

You know the chick
from the french consulate.

That chick is in paris
being debriefed.

Oh, i thought robin
was in charge of that.

You know, i am really
not jealous of her.

I don't care, i am winning.

It is obvious he prefers me.

And he's never taken
a whole day off

[in french accent]
with jeanne marie.

Well, maybe she has

[in french accent]
a real job.

So, what do you
plan on doing?

Oh, nothing special.
We're just gonna

play it by ear,
go with the flow.

Hey, miss howe,

i finished ironing
your wardrobe for the day.

Why didn't you tell me
the iron has a spray setting?

I got all dried out
spittin' on your clothes.

Thank you, woody.

So, what's all this?

Today, robin and i
are gonna live out
every fantasy i've ever had,

and i want to be
properly attired.

So, this is for the beach,
walking hand in hand,

picnic in the park,
paddle boats,

zoo,

seventh row,
phantom of the opera,

and this...

is for the end
of a romantic evening.

You plannin' on locking
your keys in your car,
miss howe?

Yes, woody.

Well, you've gone
to a lot of trouble.

How long have you been
plannin' this?

Since my first day
of puberty.

Ah, pubescence,

(cliff)
an emotional time.

I don't mind saying it,
puberty was one long
nightmare for me.

How's that, cliff?

Ma wouldn't allow it
in the house.

Well,
on the lovely array of images
that brings to mind,

i'm going to adjourn
to the back room.

I'm ready for a game of darts
if anybody's man enough.

Sorry, i'm busy.

[Clearing throat]
uh, i will,
i'll play you for a beer.

Oh, want to make
a little wager, huh?

No, no, if you, uh,
buy me a beer, i'll play you.

Sam? Set up my friend norm,
here.

Hello, rebecca.

Hi, sweet baby.

Mmm!

Are you ready for the most
relaxing, exciting day
of your life?

I most certainly am.
I just have to make
one phone call first.

Wait? It isn't
business, is it?

On my day off?

[Scoffing]
certainly not.

Ah, yes. This is, uh, colcord.

Give me 5,000 shares
of metronix international.

Robin?

Oh, yes. Well, i'll call you
later, aunt beryl.

God bless.

So, uh, what would you
like to do today?

Ok, i'd like to go
to the beach, then i'd like
to go paddle-boating,

to the zoo--
oh, yes. Your, um,

first day of puberty dream.
It had slipped my mind.

Well, let's be off, eh?
Ok, i'll get ready.

Oh, i have to get into
my beachcombing outfit.

Oh, and here's yours.

Right here.

And--and here,

is a little terry-cloth cap
for you to wear.

No.

Fine.

Hey, mr. Colcord,
i think it's great

that you're takin'
a day off.

You know, back in hanover,
we used to always
take sundays off.

Yeah,
me and the family used to
dress in our best clothes

and sit in the parlor,
and read from the good book.

Then afterward,
me and my brother would
go out to the barn

and read from a bad book.

I loved sundays.

Well,
i whupped 'em both.

Oh, yeah, frasier.
You definitely threw the one

that came closest
to the dartboard.

Now,
what is that unusual taste?

Ah, yes! Sour grapes.

So, does anybody else wish to

snatch the laurels of victory
from my brow?

Well, something's gotta
cover that beach
you call a forehead.

Mr. Colcord.

You english guys,
you--you play darts a lot,
don't you?

Oh, yes, we english do nothing
but sit around in pubs,

sipping thick, warm ale,
throwing darts incessantly,

dropping our h's,
and singing
god save the queen,

that's all we do in england.

Well, that film strip
they showed in junior high

was right on the money.

No, i'm sorry i snapped.

It's, um,
not because of you people.

It's this business of, um,
sitting around all day,

doing nothing.

Gets on my nerves, you know.

Or, um,

maybe it is you people.

So, darts.
Who shall i thrash first?

Well,
i'll play you for a beer.

Oh, a little wager.

Mmm, not exactly.

[Inaudible]

that guy is
so damn arrogant.

Yup. He likes his beer, too.

No,
i was talkin' about robin.

Yeah, but you must admit,

mr. Peterson
can cop an attitude.

You know, i--i--i hope
normie just knocks him down
a peg or 2.

Yeah, well, we all know
that norm isn't the best
darts player in the bar.

And we all know who is,
don't we, sammy?

Come on!
No, no,
i don't want to play him.

I mean, it's one thing
when you play friends,

that's kind of fun,
you know?

But when you start playin'
people you don't like,

other things kinda enter in.

You start thinkin' about
those times

that he screwed you out
of all that money,

or how he, uh,
beat you to rebecca

after you worked on her
for all those years,

and how he always makes you
kinda feel

like a stupid,
know-nothing jerk

with lousy clothes
and a stupid job.

You know somethin',
i'm gonna kick
that guy's royal butt!

[All cheering]
(man)
hey! Way to go, robin!

You know, it just isn't fair.

I came in to-- i wanted to be
one of the guys.

All i'm doin' is
sittin' on my duff, watchin'
other people do things.

Welcome to normworld.

Keep your hands inside the car
at all times.

Hi, darling.
Ready to go to the beach?

I've been to the beach,
thank you.

Well,
why didn't you ask me to go?

I did, i came in here
and screamed your name out
at least a half a dozen times.

I thought
you were cheering me on.

You mean you had to go
to the beach all by yourself?

No, i went with woody.

I did all those stupid things
that i dreamed of doing.

We walked on the shore,

and we fed the seagulls,
and we skipped stones.

I buried woody up to his neck
in the sand, and...

oh, my god. Woody!

All right, last shot!
Sammy needs a bull's-eye
to win.

All right. You mean
one of these here?

[All cheering]

sammy wins!

Are you sure about the score?

Absolutely.
I kept score with peanuts.

This is you. This is sam.
Norm?

That's right. Uh, 250 to 249.

You know, if you hurry,
i think you can catch up
with rebecca there.

Do you fancy
another game, sam?

Oh, no, come on. It's over.

Let's just
walk away from this,

a winner and a loser.

Say, boys,
who was the winner again?

(All)
sammy! Sammy! Sammy!

Well, if not darts,
what about a--

a friendly game of pool, eh?

No, no, i never like
to nail a guy twice
in one afternoon.

You haven't lived.

Well,
perhaps i could make the...

i could make the prospect
a little more enticing

if we threw in a wager, huh?

Shall we say... um, here,
uh, one u.S. Dollar?

[All murmuring]
(norm)
whoa!

Big spender, eh?

One lousy buck?

Well, you see, sam,

a real sportsman
wouldn't consider it
a lousy buck,

but a trophy.

Something to be held
over the head
of the vanquished.

A symbol of victory.

All right. Lag for break.

Although i can't understand
why anyone would get
that excited about

winning a dollar.

¶ Nah, nah, nah, nah

(all)
¶ nah, nah, nah, nah

¶ hey, hey, hey

¶ goodbye

¶ nah, nah, nah, nah

¶ nah, nah, nah, nah

¶ hey, hey, hey

[whooping]
¶ goodbye

oh, don't feel bad, robin.

You'd have beat him
if you'd called
that last shot.

You mean the one
that ricocheted off
that mailman's head?

Yep. Now, if you'd said:

"8-ball off of cliffie's
temple,"

then maybe this portrait
of george washington
might be yours.

Uh, by the way, boys,
which president was he again?

Number one!
Number one!
Number one!

Hey, cliffie!

Hey,
how you feel, cliff?

Oh, fine, fine. Just a little
crack in the head.
All right.

So, uh...
oh, who won the game?

Sammy.

Ah, did you? That's great.
That's great.

Carla, how about a beer here,
huh? Thanks.

So, uh, who won the game?

Sammy did.
Yeah.

No kiddin'?
Gee, that's great, sam.

How about a beer there,
carla, huh?

Uh, cliff,

what do you say
we trot on down

to the old emergency
room just for fun, huh?

Yeah, yeah.
Sure thing, frase.

So, who won that game?

So, do you fancy
another game, sam?

Whoo, boy, robin,
you are a glutton.

Well, it's not often
i meet someone who can
offer me such a challenge.

I must confess,

i rarely lose.

Really?
Well, you're a natural at it.

[Guffawing]
hey!

Yes, you're very kind.

It's not surprising
you beat me
at these physical games.

I mean,
all they depended upon

were simple hand-to-eye
coordination,

animal cunning.

I mean,
these are the only things
you're adroit at.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

No one calls me a droit.

(All)
sammy!

Sammy!

Sammy!

No, but, how do you think
you would fare

in a game whose outcome

rested purely on intelligence,

acumen,

cognitive reasoning?

Ok.

Carla, break out the yahtzee.

No. I--i was referring

to the age-old game of chess.

Or don't you indulge
in such sport

in this cultural wasteland?

[All protesting]
hey, hey!

Wait a minute.

Are you talkin' about
my country?

No, i'm talkin' about
this bar.

Oh? Well, you don't know
the half of it.

Yeah, all right. Ok.

I'll-- i'll play you
a little game of chess.

But let's not, uh,
go for this weenie dollar bet,
here.

I'll tell you what.

Double or nothin'.

Well, what d'you say--
what do you say we make it

something worth our while?

Both of us, eh?
Um, a week's pay.

My salary

against your salary.

Uh, that's not exactly fair,
now.

You--you don't make tips.

[All laughing]

and what do you say, sam?

All right. Sure.

Fine.

Right. I'm going back
to my penthouse,

and i'll get my chess set.

And i'll see you
in an hour, sam.

I'll be here.

Boy, sammy, i am impressed.

I mean, you have put a lot
on the line.

You have any idea
how much that guy takes home
in a week?

I tell ya, that's enough money
for me to buy back this bar.

Yes!
We are home free.

All right, sammy.

All i gotta do is learn how
to play chess in an hour.

Uh, you know, what the heck.
It's gotta be easier
than yahtzee.

Oh, here's where
everybody is.

Frasier, how's cliff?

Oh, he's fine, fine.

He'll be all right,
i think.

They wanna keep him under
observation for a while

until he's completely normal.

Gee, i never got
to say goodbye.

So, uh, what is
all this, anyway?

Oh, you're gonna love this.

[Chuckling]
see, sammy and robin

are playin' chess
for one week's wages, right?

We got this
computer chess game

so that sammy can beat robin.

And norm is gonna feed him
all the right moves
over this headset.

Well, i hate to spoil your fun
with a moral voice,

but, uh, isn't that
what we used to call cheating?

I mean, isn't that just like
stealing robin's money?

No, frasier, i'm not
doin' this for the money.

I just wanna
get the satisfaction

of seein' his expression
when he gives me the check.

And once it's in my hand,
oh.

I will rip it up
and throw it in his face.

Maybe.

So, where did you get
all this expensive listening
equipment, anyway?

Oh, this is pete's stuff.
He uses this stuff
all the time.

Pete, are--are you
a surveillance expert?

No. My wife sleeps around
a lot.

All right!
Bird for 3!

Sam, are you going to
play chess or listen
to your basketball game?

I can do both.

King's rook

to queen one.

Ok.

King's rook to queen one.

Well, in that case, uh,

my horsey guy takes
your little pointy-headed guy.

You know,

you're a--
you're a fascinating opponent,

obviously unskilled
in the finer points
of the game.

You have
an instinctive raw talent
that pulls you through

and makes me want
to squash you like a bug.

Queen takes bishop. Check.

All right! Jump ball!

Oh, god! I wish you could
hear this game, you guys.
Sam? Sam. Here.

Sam? I checked. I checked.
Yeah? Oh.

Sorry. Check.
All right, uh...

well, in that case, um,

my castle takes your queen.

Get out of that,
rich boy.

(Rebecca)
well.

Robin.

Woody and i
have been to the beach,

we have been to the zoo,

we went paddle-boating,

we saw phantom.

Oh, it was wonderful.
Thank you for asking.

Woody was a model escort,

except for one little annoying
habit of constantly asking me,

"is this part scary?
Is this part scary?"

It was.
Thank you for asking.

I am going to go freshen up,

and then we are going
to a late supper.

Oh, uh, actually, miss howe,
i'm not really hungry.

I was talking to robin.

Oh, yeah.

Dream on.

Norm, how many times
have i told you

i don't want you in here
trying to erase your bar tab?

Oh, come on.

Come on, you think
i would do something
as deceitful as that?

I'm only trying to help sammy
cheat at chess.

That's terrible.

Can you step on it?

Robin and i
can still make that supper.

I'm tryin', i'm tryin',

but, i tell ya,
my bar tab's eatin' up

most of the memory
on this computer.

(Sam)
...pointy-headed guy, here.
Hey, hey. Sammy's talkin'.

Yeah, yeah,
it was very clever of you

to have moved
your pointy-headed thing

to the white square

second from the bottom
on the far right.

All right, sam.
Ok, here we go.

[Bleeping]

holy cow. It went blank.

Pardon me?

What?

I said, "pardon me."

I burped.

No, you didn't.

Well, you couldn't hear me,
but i did,

and i'm sorry.

Oh.

Well, then, gesundheit.

I didn't sneeze.

Well, perhaps you will
one day, and i won't hear it.

I can't get the board back.
He's on his own.

Oh, poor sammy.

Oh, come on, guys,
we've seen sammy

in situations like this
hundreds of times.

You know,
the--the game's on the line,

the best hitter's comin' up
to the plate,

men on second and third.

And who do they call in?

"Mayday" malone
with his slider of death.

And what would he do?

Well, he'd usually give up
a 3-run homer.

It was sam's teammates
who called it
"the slider of death."

So, they had a man on first

and a man on second.

Who do they call in
but old "mayday" malone

with his slider of death.

Why did they call it that?

None of your business.

That's very nice,
but your time
is running out, sam.

Move or forfeit.

Ah...

all right, fine, there.

That's either the stupidest
move in the world, or...

that 's very clever, sam.

What will you do
when i move my bishop

to king knight 5?

I don't know.

Oh, is this, uh,
horsey guy mine?

Yes.

Well, ahem,

gonna move that here,

and that's...checkmate.

What?

Well, yeah.
Yeah, i win.
That's checkmate.

[Laughing]
yeah.

Yeah. You shouldn't have moved
your cardinal, bub.

Bishop! It's called a bishop!

And i only moved him
because your last move
was so incredibly stupid,

that i thought you were
up to something clever.

Yeah. Well,
sometimes incredibly stupid
is clever enough for me.

Why did you do that?
Up to then, you were playing

a classic alekhine's defense,

and i was matching you
every step of the way.

Why in the world
did you make that stupid move?

Wait, wait.

Which one of you told him

to make that stupid move?

You knew?
What do you think i am,
an idiot?

What gave me away?

Well, for starters,

the basketball game
which you were supposed to be
listening to

was on the television set
behind you,

and it had been over
for about an hour.

Boy, those english guys
are clever.

No wonder we lost that war.

No.

We didn't lose the war.
We won it.

Oh, right. Then how come
we speak english?

Hey, man, come on,
you know,

just don't be a droit.

All right, all right. If you
knew this game was fixed,

then how come
you went along with it?

Are you joking?

That was the only thing
about the game that held any
challenge for me, samuel.

Ok, so you knew it was fixed
and yet you went ahead
and played.

I say that i won,
fair and square.

You owe me.
One week's salary.
Come on, bud.

And don't, uh, leave out
any of those little zeros,
there.

Oh, right you are, sam.

Um, i must preface this
by saying that, um,

in order to keep
my tax bracket low,
i am a corporation.

And the nominal salary
i pay myself

as president
of that corporation

is $1 a year,

which means that, uh,
my weekly salary
after taxes is...

one penny.

(Rebecca)
well, well.

One penny.

Sam,

you used all this electronic
paraphernalia to cheat,

and what did it get you?

One penny.

And you, robin.

You take the one day off
that you've had in years,

and what do you do with it?

You spend the whole day
fighting over...

one penny.

And what about me?

You take the one day

that i have always
dreamed about,

and you turn it
into the most depressing,

pathetic day of my life.

Oh, woody, i'm sorry.
I had fun with you!

Look what you did!

You know,
you're right, rebecca.

I've been acting like a fool.

You see, for one moment,
i actually lost control

of that competitive edge

which built my empire.

Yeah. I apologize.

And what did you learn, sam?

Well, i learned that it's not
that much fun to play games

if all you're worried about
is winning or losing.

I'm sorry that we ruined
your day like that.

I guess i said a lot of
childish things, there, robin.

I'm sorry, um,

you're a good sport.

[Clears throat]
let's just call it even,
shall we?

1, 2, 3, 4,
i declare a thumb war.